Grief Debate

Grief and Death

18th century

Public interest in grief was limited; fear of death of self

Widely held belief in existence of a concerned God and an afterlife; fear and anxiety about death, but death was generally accepted as a commonplace, albeit harsh, relity to be followed by entrance into heaven (note: the notion of heaven remained ill-defined at this time); death was not denied

Great deal of death, especially of children: in a healthy town in MA, between 1640 and 1749 (the pre-Revolutionary colonial period) 1 of 4 children would die before reaching the age of 10; that meant a couple would lose 2-3 children out of nearly 9 that would be born of the marriage; during this time, most people would experience in their lifetime the loss of a close friend or relative

Death took place in the home, with loved ones present, including children, to witness final moments; ideally, dying person “presided” over the event with full understanding of what was to come

People lives in small communities where mutual dependency was the norm, thus death was experienced as a community loss; the community rallied to assist the bereaved family; tasks to be accomplished (which are now done by the funeral industry) – pre-burial: attending to the body (washing, dressing, laying out); constructing a coffin; bearing the body to the burial site; digging a grave; covering the grave; physical location of body (grave) was unimportant - the dead would not care!; clergy were not terribly involved in these activities (reaction against Catholicism) but the death triggered significant social interaction and even some festivities

Impact of death passed quickly as widows and widowers tended to remarry in less than a year – raises the question of whether grieving was fairly brief

Victorian era

Victorian emotional culture generally:

1) Need for intensity of emotion

2) Need for control of emotion

i.e., the capacity for deep feeling along with the capacity to direct that feeling to appropriate targets

public/private emotional divisions crucial to Victorian culture – burden on men was greater because they had to develop two emotional faces – one domestic and the other economic and political, allowing to men more emotional range; e.g. songs about grief often used examples of wm’s death, which emphasized male role in grief and reminded audience of female frailty

General causes of Victorian emotional culture:

· Amplified currents already in American culture for previous 100 years, especially with regard to changing role of family

· Emotional culture impacted public institutions, affected individual experience, and colored the way middle-class Americans reacted to the emotions of others

· Esp where love and grief were concerned: Emotional rules encouraged high peaks and considerable duration; emphasis on importance of family members and friends, generated a sense of social similarity across gender lines

1) Impact of industrialization and urbanization:

· capitalism led to formation of class and emotional expression and restraint provided a basis for middle class to distinguish itself from working class

· By 1830s, impact of commercializing economy, which enhanced special emotional role of family – absence of father/husband from home required emotional style that separated public from private and standards that were intensified in order to protect the established value of family life – family seen as an emotional haven

· By late 1840s, industrialization also required new emotional motivations for competitive work – Victorian standards were meant to enshrine family while providing spur to achievement in public life (for men)

· Industrialization and urbanization made class boundaries more vivid, and middle class prided itself on its restraints and subtleties (courage, channeled anger, although class differentiation began in late 18th c among upper-class

· Victorian culture also served gender purposes: emotional args helped justify confining wm to home, which became a necessity as the location of men’s work shifted to outside the home; men welcomed emotional badges (such as channeled anger and courage, because these bolstered male qualities at a time when industrialization created masculine insecurities; emotional masculinity complemented men’s increasing role as economic provider

2) Shifts in emotional culture led to more and similar shifts in emotional culture – e.g., intense love leads to more intense grief

3) Changing conceptions of the body:

· 17th to 18th c, emotions were linked to bodily fluids and functions – traditional view that connected emotion and physical sensation;

· 18th c: this idea began to give way to a more mechanistic view of the body, and in this mechanism, emotions were harder to pin down; emotions came to be discussed as independent entities (things)

· 19th c.: new basis for emotional intensity outside of the body

4) Changes in religious culture intertwined w changes in religious culture:

· Changes in mainstream Protestantism supported Victorian optimism about the consequences for intense emotion – the belief in a benign God led solace in times of grief as heaven was seen as a place to reunite with loved ones

· Changes is commitment to religiosity: as fewer Americans were religiously active and religious dogma lost some of its fervor (because to some degree of the rise of science, urbanization, industrialization), emotional intensity could be sought as a substitute for religious experience (recall that romantic love was seen as spiritual

Were Victorians ready to accept the emotional intensity of others, even while they sought to describe their own emotions in culturally appropriate terms? Yes, Victorians expected to deal with intense emotional expressions from others so long as the settings were appropriate – as long as there was suitable restraint

19th c: Culture of Death in Victorian times

Most studies have focused on middle and upper-middle class experience with death and grief; death is more public in Victorian era and becomes more of a private experience during and after WWI

Historical study of death in 19th and early 20th c has concentrated in growth of rural cemetery movement in early 19th c, the ostentatious memorial as a signifier of social status, and the growth of elaborate funeral customs

Advances in medicine were influential in changing attitudes towards death and dying but religion and demography may have been principal engines of change

In 19th c. two changes occurred from 18th c:

1. Greater role given to death in the living world

2. More genteel perspective towards dying and the dead

Why these changes?

· A French philosopher/historian Phillipe Aires, has theorized (across western cultures) that death began to be seen in a romantic way, where, although not desirable, it was morbidly beautiful and fascinating; even that death became eroticized (how French!)

· Another explanation by a historian named Cyclone Covey: loss of a colonial world view (that had persisted for 150 years), that life was a pilgrimage through the wilderness of this world to an ultimate home in the next - thus life was unimportant except as a preparation for reaching the eternal “home” and death was seen as an escape from the sadness of life; Covey claimed that this world view was gone by the Revolutionary period (1750) – with life no longer being endured, there grew suspicion that there was no everlasting life, but rather everlasting death, thus death became a taboo subject;

The work of both historians has been challenged as more work has been done on death and grieving, particularly in the U.S.:

· most research of 19th c demonstrates that death did not become a taboo subject and in fact death (along with love and success) was one of the major obsessions in popular culture

· the pilgrimage philosophy persisted until at least the CW

Thus, the significant change in how death is viewed probably began in the mid-19th c (and the onset of the Victorian period) - death was seen within the context of a growing attachment to life and an uncertainty over whether there was an existence after death – thus, the dead should not be allowed to truly die, they must be kept in some form in the living world

Death became less and less acceptable, not only for self but others close to us; it was domesticated and beautified

Notion of the good death:

· Death in 19th c encompassed the evangelical model of the “good death” – characterized by persistent faith, humility, and submission to the will of God; prolonged and agonizing deaths were seen as good deaths because they emphasized that suffering with fortitude was a virtue and gave unbelievers time to repent

· Bad death: sudden deaths, suicides, deaths of unbelievers; these deaths exacerbated grief of the religious bereaved

Attitudes about death were class-bound, particularly in England; most research has focused on elite, but what about working-class culture of death? Three issues:

1. Respectability (including beautification)

2. Fear of pauper burial

3. Fear of dissection

Respectable burial meant avoiding the pauper grave – it signified poverty, suggested insufficient grief, and condemned the death to obscurity/anonymity

These concerns led to relative extravagance on the part of families when burying their dead; strategies to avoid pauper’s grave: pawn possessions, buy burial insurance, have a pauper corpse exhumed in order to be reburied in a private plot

How did this emphasis on respectability get manifested?

· Mourning jewelry: transformation of mourning rings (worn in colonial period) from harsh depictions of death to more sentimental depictions

· Funeral eulogies: transformed from an obsession with harsh detail of death and sermons of judgment to a less straightforward addressing of death and more sentimentality

· Gravestone language: went from “here lies” or “here lies buried” to the more abstract “in memory of” to “sacred to the memory of,” which indicates an interest in keeping the dead as part of the living world

How would dead be kept alive?

· Rural cemetery movement: began in 1830s; burial site given new significance; living sought to keep dead alive by making the burial site an attractive popular location; initial motivation for establishment of cemeteries was to maintain public health as old graveyards from 18th c were deteriorating, crowded, offensive quagmires; but new motivation was to create a beautiful rustic environment without the gloom of death; dead would now receive appropriate respect in serene burial site and living would use these sites as parks; at first nature was emphasized but this gave way to elaborate man-made structures and statues

· Preserving and presenting the dead:

· Burial containers: moved from rough-hewn coffins (shape) to the casket (shape) which was durable and ornate – movement from merely encasing the body to presenting the dead, like a jewel box (coffin hoisted on shoulders, casket had handles for carrying)

· Embalming: as population dispersed, body had to be kept preserved for longer periods so that mourners could have time to gather for the funeral, and CW presented problem of returning corpses home, thus embalming became popular after the CW; Aries notes that this obsession w embalming is peculiarly American and is a form of death denial

· Communing w dead: Spiritualism was one avenue, which reached a peak in the 1850s and then peaked again in the 1870s, after the CW; see video

· Funeral rites: complex system, practice of mourning, mourning paraphernalia (jewelry, clothing) – all this allowed for formal display of grief

Some comparative differences:

· In U.S., the emphasis was on beauty and expressiveness, in Britain mourning was more gloomy and formal

· In rural areas, there remained a larger community role and mourning was more simple

Conclusion:

· All this meant that the body constituted an assurance that the deceased would not really die for a long time to come

· death and the dead gained an increasingly substantial place in the lives of the living

Grief in Victorian era:

Fear of death of self gives way to fear of death of others

Particular cause: continuing high child mortality rate while birth rate was declining, in a culture that now saw children as more precious and child mortality as less inevitable

Victorian emotional intensity showed clearly in embrace of grief; frequently discussed; depth of grief followed directly from the Victorian emphasis on intense romantic love – even temporary absence of a loved one was experienced as a sort of death

Grief was a vital part of Victorian emotional life:

· Many conventions were developed to allow open expression of grief – this indulgence was novel; could have a bittersweet quality – immensely sad but also a welcome part of a full emotional experience; in its intensity, it deviated from other emotions where control was more of a factor

· Included in life of children: presented to them in a benign but sorrowful context; often the dominant theme was the reunion of loved ones after death in heaven; tragic death scenes were commonplace in stories for children and outpouring of emotion was presented as valid and ultimately healthy; grief linked to hope and love with emphasis on protective angels and familial reunions in heaven; stories of death disengaged from fear and starkness of death disappeared

· Same themes showed up on popular songs; comparison: 18th c. songs about death were set in a pastoral world (incl shepherds) and written in 3rd person, while Victorian grief songs were personal and immediate; death and its aftermath became a field for emotional exploration: deathbed scenes, emotional ties between dead and living, idea of ultimate reunion in heaven, emotion-laden visits to cemetery; lots of songs about dying girls, particularly during CW era

Themes of grief formed an important part of Victorian culture, making sorrow of bereavement seem natural, even desirable; like love, grief could soar; grief embraced openly and w almost endless fascination

Grief in the public sphere:

Death had rituals involving family and community participation in the act of dying whenever possible; rituals after death changed in 19th c to accommodate heightened emotion

Victorian funeral procedures: intended to remove fear of death and allow open expression of grief through ritual

Markers: increasing use of cosmetics on corpses, rule of professional undertakers and embalmers who took over handling of body – their job was to direct emotions away from decaying flesh towards bittersweet grief; practice of wearing mourning clothing spread (see video); funerals became more elaborate; cemeteries and tombstones became more ornate and evocative - Gravestones depicted death as sleep, or going home, in order to see death as something less than final; Child death: huge funeral monuments combined with haunting epitaphs to convey sorry and love that sent child to heaven

Question: did the paraphernalia of middle-class Victorian funerals express growing wealth and status rivalry or real grief? Both.

More private side of grief:

Victorians expressed grief in letters, diaries, as well as rituals – expected, articulated, and felt a sharpness; intensity resulted from love attachments but also grief was expected and when it wasn’t presence, the survivor felt guilt; Death of children produced overwhelming emotion; men as well as women expressed grief

Diaries: In a carryover from the 18th c, diaries might dwell on the transience of life and uncertainties of God’s judgmt but in general there was a sense of an obligation to record grief and the intensity of grief as a direct reaction to love rather than to fears of death;

Intensity of grief could vary with the kind of death:

· Deaths that were lingering, thus providing the chance to prepare, sometimes caused less grief – these were seen as “good deaths” and had a bittersweet overtone

· Unexpected death of child was experienced as sheer pain, without the bittersweet overtone

· Overall, effort to see beauty in death, emphasis on sharing grief among friends, consolation of a better life in heaven, sense of Christian resignation, references to “happier world” beyond, interest in seeing beauty in the dead body, hopes for reunion

Reacting to the grief of others:

Purpose: Grief may have initially been designed as a way to restore the lost loved one, but ultimately it serves the function of encouraging emotional support from others to ease the griever through the loss – grief builds compensatory relationships; but this purpose is served only if others are willing to accept the grief signal

Grief was an accepted emotion, and its function of building supporting relationships to cushion loss seems to have worked; adults drew close on death of a child; grieving diarists commented on the sympathy of friends and importance of shared ritual

Etiquette books: in first half of 19th c, some urged ignoring signs of mourning if dealing with acquaintances – noted that there might be emotional intensity but counseled an aloof reaction to it; more common – acknowledged the validity of the emotion and need for supportive friends and relatives, emphasized appropriate rituals for expressing grief and channeling reactions to it, recommended that people of good breeding were obliged to call on bereaved family and take cues from family’s own tone

While there was an acknowledgement that grief could go on too long, overall there was an emphasis on the benefits of the emotional sharing, rather than on the dangers of excess; Victorian culture may have encouraged acknowledgment of grief over an unusually (by today’s standards) long span; letters and diaries exhibited an assumption that family and friends were there to help each other articulate and cope with grief; along with religion, this support made grief endurable

Class-based views of grief:

Grief became more commercialized and based in consumerism in the Victorian period – upper and middle class people were able to take advantage of this consumerism

Did the lower classes experience grief? Did they have the luxury of experiencing “pure grief”? one might argue that the loss of a loved one was so intertwined with material deprivations in life that the death only intensified the misery of the poor’s existence

Viewing working class rituals as sites for creation and expression of grief and readjustment:

· Act of washing and laying out a corpse (increasingly done by professionals for middle and upper classes) can be seen as a final gesture of intimacy and affection, and allowed the bereaved to renegotiate the boundaries between them and the dead;

· Making donations for flowers and other shared costs and social functions cements a sense of social inclusion

· Alternative places for verbal and symbolic expressions of grief other than cemeteries – visual images of dead, material mementos

20th century death

Another major shift – separate the dead from the living by minimizing the social impact of death on the community, abandoning efforts to maintain a relationship with the dead and dying, death becomes a taboo subject

Forces behind this change:

1. Urbanization

· The home became far less important as a site of death: more difficult for people to die there and to hold ritual responses to death there

· Problem w using home as a site of death gave rise to a bureaucratic solution: death would occur at hospitals, body would be prepared/disposed of by an undertaker; Result: direct exposure to death was minimized, social impact of death was reduced – sufferings of the dying did not impinge on mainstream life

· Urbanization destroyed the close-knit community where death was felt by all, thus decline in community support for the bereaved

· Geographic mobility (esp. post WWII) diminished emotional involvement for relatives

2. Advances in medical science

· Now where and when a person died could be controlled, esp. post WWII, and hospital replaces home as the normal setting for death; and people are more likely to be elderly when they die

· Effect on the dying:

· Traditional significance of the moment of death is destroyed

· Dying did not preside over their deaths –

· harder to ascertain if an illness would prove to be terminal, prior to death the person may be unconscious

· decisions regarding death are made by doctors

· Death often occurs as a result of chronic illness, where efficient control requires hospital care

· Death occurs as a technical phenomenon produced by a cessation of medical care, a decision often made by doctors

· Effect on the social order of life:

· Because it is elderly who are dying, impact on community is reduced

· Family and social bonds have already loosened: Elderly don’t have dependent children, have disengaged from society by retiring, society has become youth-oriented and people enter adulthood without death touching friends or family

3. Decrease in religious belief/religiosity and increasing sense of living for today

· Death becomes a taboo topic and open mourning is denigrated; if there is no believe in an afterlife, natural death and physical decomposition of the body become horrible to contemplate or discuss (suggested experiment: ask grandparent and parent about what they would want for death, body disposal, funeral; see if they are even willing to have the discussion)

· Death, dying and the world of death have become dissociated from life

· Deritualization of death:

· decline in mourning that begins with disappearance of ritual and progresses to prohibition of all expressions of grief; because mourning rituals indicated the nature of the relationship to the deceased, a decline in that relationship meant a decline in the mourning rituals

· Effect of WWI: WWI constituted a break for England but didn’t play as large a role in the U.S although the war dead did force consideration of the desirability of large-scale social mourning; changes in U.S. probably occurred more in the 1920s

· 1920s: general loosening of tradition and social restraint weakened mourning customs, growing sense of “fun-morality” – the ethical duty to have fun (to prove you are psychologically well adjusted) and not harsh the mellow of others; result: public and private mourning were at odds with this focus on a good time

· 1950s-60s:

· Growing criticism of the American way of death:

· High interest in The American Way of Death and The High Cost of Dying, both published in the early 1960s: but don’t take this as a change in death being a taboo subject – more likely it continued and deepened the dissociation of the living from the dead

· Decline in interest of funeral as ritual:

· funeral costs became part of the argument in favor of cremation (this begins in the 1890s)

· death coming later in life means that children have already formed their own families and homes and thus there is already an emotional distance between survivors and dying

· deaths become “low-grief” affairs such that survivors require only a minimal acknowledgement of the passing, making the funeral ritual seem inappropriate and an unwarranted expense

· cemetery management:

· grounds: early in 20th c, cemetery grounds begin to be tended by cemetery workers, thus reducing the need for graveside visits

· burial plot itself: depersonalized, traditional headstones give way to ground-level plaques and plaques are becoming standardized, epitaphs seen as old-fashioned and abandoned by 1930s; the depersonalization made on-going rel’ship w dead more difficult

20th c. grief

Transformation of grief in the 20th c has yet to be explicitly studied – historical process by which rich Victorian grief culture yielded to colder reactions of 20th c has not been examined

Overview:

· increasing distaste for death;

· desire to isolate it in alienating hospital environments;

· increasing preference for cremation, which hindered traditional memorials and rituals

· decline of formal periods and markings of grief has resulted in lack of adequate outlets for mourning

Experience of grief and attitudes towards grief changed dramatically in 20th c.: regarded as unpleasant and its potentially consuming qualities became disapproved of; its capacity to take a person out of normal reality in reaction to loss became menacing – result was a concern about and then neglect of grief

How did this transformation occur?

1st phase: revisionist debate about the meaning of death and grief, and appropriate expression of grief; began in 1890 through WWI

2nd phase: ignoring death and grief, or increase in socialization advice regarding grief; began after 1920

1st phase: evidenced by opinion articles in middle class magazines that actually began in the Victorian era; what accounted for this early start?

1. Death rates began to drop rapidly from 1880s to 1920s, esp among children

2. Discussions of Victorian ideas arose from war between science and religion and death was one of the areas where enlightened modern opinion made it easy to attack old religious beliefs; thus the chronology of attack on grief was different from other 20th c attacks on Victorian emotion

How did the debate manifest itself?

Began with a careful look at Victorian values that defended the importance of grief – but if you have to say it, there must be something going on – the discussion had a defensive cast

Sources of the debate:

One source:

· if death involved quick union with God and only brief separation from loved ones on earth, why bother to grieve at all and why dread death?

· Shouldn’t joy predominate? Assertions of perpetual happiness

Second source:

· with more people dying in old age, and old age brings disabilities, then death could and should be calmly greeted – death is a pleasant release from decrepitude

· under this view, one should not fear one’s own death and grief at the passing of an older relative did not make much sense

Third source:

· popular science countered the traditional belief that death involved pain and suggested that most deaths were actually pleasant; death (esp in old age) involved going to sleep; thus, because death was losing its terrors and because beliefs in personal immortality were fading, death of another could/should cause relief more than grief to the survivors;

· More generally, people should get used to the hard facts of science and quite emoting so much, esp about something that is inevitable and tranquil – death and grief were outdated religious motivations

· Interesting side effects of emphasis on science: commentors noted that increase in suicide evidenced that deat was losing its emotional charge; euthanasia followed from understanding death as painless

· Conclusion: as death became more scientific, the emotional overtones of death lost justification, and thys the need for pronounced grief was obviated

Fourth source:

· themes in writings of the time that critiques expensive funeral practices and problems w professional morticians who were out to make a buck – saw mourning rituals as exploitative ceremonies that played on grief

· emphasis now on minimization and low cost

· corollary: sensible people would not let themselves be so overcome by emotion as to fall prey to the greedy

Fifth source:

· a new theme: “be glad to live, and gladly die”

· evidence:

· Some writings noted the rise of death-defying behavior (esp auto racing and flying); thrill seeking transcended caution and death receded to background

· Those encountering sudden death of an acquaintance should handle the situation coolly

· Even among religious writers, Victorian attitudes about death were now seen as morbit and funeral practices were considered in bad taste; grief as heartbreak was considered an old idea

20th c commentators’ view of grief: with focus on science, grief now seen as serving no function:

· the attempt to maintain contact with the dead was foolish at best (waste of time) and unhealthy at worst (evidence of loss of control of rationality); grief seen as embarrassing and something to grow out of during adulthood

· Short period of grieving is ok, but prolonged grief (Victorian wallowing) is a problem to be solved by resort to psycho-therapeutics and medical attention to address physical manifestations; even religion could be used to pull people out of their grief

· Funerals should be joyful

· Problem of grief became gendered – women seen as worst offenders

· WWI provided additional opportunity for comment on grief:

· The massive slaughter of this war might have prompted a return to Victorian notions of the comfort and bonding qualities of grief but rather it served as another sign of grief’s misplaced and offensive qualities

· Death was now seen as an inevitable result of war, so grief and fear of death must be put aside in the interest of carrying on, with death being seen as routine and unemotional

· War should be seen as an opportunity to effect a permanent transformation in grieving and mourning practices

2nd phase:

Long debate over how to end Victorian approaches to grief closed out in the 1920s and the issue of death and its emotional environment faded from view

Yet there were on-going results of that 1st phase debate:

1. Silence surrounding death and grief:

· Did talk of death became a modern taboo?

· Into later 1950s, discussions of death and grief seemed out of bounds

· occasional commentary reminded middle-class audience of what the acceptable emotional rules were

· Even Christian writers agreed that grief was simply painful and something to be escaped as soon as possible

· Or, did the silence mean that now everyone knew the new rules and they didn’t have to be discussed?

· Even WWII did not effect a reconsideration:

· even less commentary than during WWI, another sign that the subject of death was being avoided more fully and that cultural rules about constraining grief had circulated more widely

· Few articles targeted to war widows and other bereaved women confirmed stiff upper-lip tone: Grief should not be indulged but instead these women should plunge into war work or volunteerism to distract themselves

2. The need to reduce grief translated into the dominance of therapeutic emphases

· Mental health depended on breaking bonds and avoiding dependency, and grief contradicted both goals, so it was attacked

· During 1920s, most therapists dealing with grief moved towards a “modernist approach”

· Later modernists downplayed grief even further, viewing it as a form of separation anxiety – an inappropriate or dysfunctional attempt to restore connection with the dead

· Therapeutic goal was to sever the bonds with the deceased

· notion of “grief work” developed:

· 1960s: terms developed for excessive grief: “mummification,” “despair,” “chronic grief syndrome”

· by 1970s, even older widows were counseled to end their grieving and develop new identities and interests

· idea that grief flowed from love was attacked and instead psychologists argued that spousal grief developed from a love-hate relationship which was based on a sense of guilt for the hate

3. Parents were advised to remove intense grief from childhood

· 2 factors regarding children enhanced aversion to Victorian expressions and ideas about grief:

1. Rapid decline in child mortality, which made it easier to dissociate childhood from concerns with death

2. Rising anxiety about children’s fears

· Removal of death from family context (people no longer dying at home) and decline in adult mourning made it easier to shield children from death; assumption that family unity in grief had become irrelevant

· Grief became another problem in the emotional raising of children

· Parents were provided with variety of advice to deal with children’s grief:

· Help children ignore death by showing little grief themselves and abandoning mourning

· how to deal with children’s irrational fears of being buried alive

· cautioned against relying on Victorian euphemism about death as sleep, angels, reunions in heaven, exposing children to funerals, as this would increase fears of children

· giving scientific information about death to older children would allow them to avoid the intense emotion of grieving

· Parents welcomed the opportunity to avoid dealing with children’s griefs or fears

· Death scenes began to decline in children’s stories

Late 20th-21st c:

Are things changing? Is the subject of death receiving its just due and have we entered a new shift where death is reintegrated into American life?

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