1000 word : Reflection: Professional, Therapy/Counseling

Studia Universitatis Babeş-Bolyai, Theologia Reformata Transylvanica, 62/2 (2017)

DOI: 10.24193/subbtref.62.2.12 Published Online: 2017-12-20 Published Print: - -

Marius Vasile Govor:1

The Main Needs of the Christian Family in the Contemporary Western Society

Abstract

The current article aims to draw our attention to the fact that the Christian modern family from western countries is experiencing turning points, and these events bring their consequences not on the family only, but on the society as well. Family and society influence reciprocally, and within the current social and political frame- work, family has the power to do something to get rid of this crisis in which it has entered since the confusion between the symptoms of its decay and its authentic needs. Therefore, the power hunger, strong desire for welfare, redefinition of the family concept, child protection services and other similar issues represent the grievous side of the contemporary society and prove once again that the real needs of the family are from the spiritual zone among the most important ones are: faith in God, obeying and fulfilling the Bible, being involved in a local church’s life, un- derstanding the marriage covenant, spiritual guidance, prayer and genuine worship before God. As soon as the family has a clear understanding of its real needs, it will be able to find fulfillment and happiness it deserves and dreams of, and society will be revitalized and consolidated by these families.

Keywords: Christian family, family and church, the challenges of the family, the future of the Christian family.

The Christian family in the Romanian and Western contemporary societies faces problems, with which it cannot cope. The enemies of the institution of family are mul- tiplying and are becoming more and more powerful, as if trying to destroy this institution that was created by God before any other institution that exists under the sun. Although it has been constantly attacked across the ages, the family has resisted all the vicissitudes of history and will remain in the world for as long as there are people on earth. Despite the fact that it seems weak and helpless, the family does not have God only as an initiator

1 Doktorandus, BBTE Kolozsvár, Ekumené Teológiai Doktori Iskola, [email protected].

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but also as a supporter, and, therefore, has resisted and will continue to endure through the difficult times of history.

Andreas Köstenberger shows that since creation, it has been clearly demonstrated that heterosexuality, and not homosexuality, is God's model for man and woman. Kös- tenberger states that sexes were created as unity in diversity, having complementary and reproductive roles, things that cannot be achieved through same-sex relationships.2 Di- vorce, adultery, homosexuality, and other issues that the family is faced with today are not diseases, but only the symptoms of the decline of the contemporary society.3

The family is the place where the next generation receives the most important lessons for life, and that is why the environment of the family in which a child grows up, who, in less than thirty years will become a parent as well, and will start to prepare for life the next generation, is extremely important.

The psychologist, educator and author, John Yzaguirre said that „family life has changed dramatically in the last decades...”4 Family life has not changed in the United States alone, but in all the regions of the world where industrialization, technological evolution and freedom of expression have made unprecedented progress as it was never seen before in history. Yzaguirre points out that this change has not been done for improvement, but for decay, by increasing society's acceptance of alternatives to the life of the traditional family, by increasing tolerance to cohabitation without the marriage covenant, and by increasing the number of single-parent families. He continues by saying that statistics show that in recent decades family happiness is declining, marital interaction is shrinking, while family stress and conflict are on the rise.5

The modern family is struggling with problems that are trying to destroy it from within. The most common problems in families are as follows:

(a) Feelings of dissatisfaction, envy and bitterness The material abundance and the plethora of things that our modern family now has

should bring gratitude and fulfillment to spouses and children. However, things are to- tally different: dissatisfaction seems to have overwhelmed both children and adults. Parents and children want much more than what they have: they crave bigger and more expensive homes, better paid jobs, higher salaries, better cars, and so many other things that are not part of the daily needs of people but of the category called whims, caprices and luxury.

2 CAMPBELL, Ken M., editor, Marriage and Family în the Biblical World, Downers Grove, Inter- Varsity Press, 2003, p. 283. 3 Carle C. ZIMMERMAN, Family and Civilization, Wilmington, Delaware, 2008, p. 256. 4 Harry BOHAN, ed., Family Life Today: The Greatest Revolution?, Dublin, Veritas Publications, 2009, p. 73. 5 Ibid.

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The welfare of the neighbor is a reason for jealousy for the modern Christian, and the misfortune of someone we know is too often a source of joy even for the closest people. Today, people envy and hate each other more than ever, yet, wearing a mask of hypocrisy that allows them to meet and talk to each other without communicating important things.

(b) Addictions, pornography and depression The most common addictions in communist Romania were alcohol and tobacco ad-

dictions, and after 1990 our country has become both a transit point and a place of con- sumption for the drugs that exist on the international market. Drug addiction is not only a problem for the individual but also a family problem: it destroys family relationships and can lead to a family financial crisis.

It is estimated that almost a quarter of the adult population in the European Union, more than 80 million adults, have used illegal drugs at some point in their lives. The most commonly used drug is cannabis, while the estimations of other drugs consumption during lifetime are lower for cocaine, amphetamines and MDMA. 6

The fight against drugs and crime is well known throughout the world, and although huge efforts are being made in this area, the results are not the expected ones, if we take into account that worldwide, in 2013, 246 million people aged between 15 and 64 have consumed at least one illegal drug.7

The pornographic industry has made a huge leap in recent years and it is a powerful family foe. Accompanied by depression, it brings even more damage, especially to the fa- mily, but to the whole society as well.

The stake is huge. Internet pornography has higher revenues that Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and Netflix together. In 2006, revenue from internet pornography reached $ 97 billion. Internet sex (cybersex) produces addiction, just like cocaine, and can cause erectile dysfunction.8

6 Retrieved at http://insp.gov.ro/sites/cnepss/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Analiza-de-situ- atie-droguri-2016.pdf, [22nd August, 2017]. 7 Ibid. 8 Retrieved at http://medlive.hotnews.ro/noul-drog-al-secolului-21-pornografia-pe-internet.html, [22nd August, 2017].

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According to TopTenReviews, addiction to internet pornography seems to be stronger than drug use. Every second, more than three thousand dollars are spent on internet por- nography, and every thirty-nine minutes a new pornographic movie is created in the Uni- ted States.9 The research that Dr. Kevin B. Skinner made with the help of 400 people who voluntarily participated in this experiment shows that people who regularly view pornography experience more depression than others.10 The fact is that not only viewers can have pornographic experiences on the Internet, but this possibility has also been cre- ated for those

about 285 million blind people all around the world... In order to help them find their sexual inspiration, Porhub launched the „video descriptions” category where actors with professional voices describe what is happening in the scene... Many of the explicitly titled videos already attracted more than 20.000 views.11

Alongside other addictions that people are enslaved by, pornography is certainly a challenge for the young and the elderly, for men and women, and always remains one of the mill stones that pull the family down.

State intervention in limiting these industries is often almost inexistent, as it is beli- eved that these industries bring substantial revenues to the state budget. A study in France in 1950 showed that although the state treasury collected 53 billion francs from the alcohol industry, the state's spending because of alcoholism was about 132 billion francs, and losses due to low productivity at work due to alcohol use were estimated at about 325 billion francs a year.12 Both the state and the family have to pay enormous sums, which they sometimes cannot afford, to save the lives of those who have been caught up in the net of addiction, pornography and depression.

(c) Child protection by the state While in poor countries of the world, children are starving under the powerless eyes

of parents and state authorities, civilized countries are struggling with another family issue: state child protection. Child protection by the state was probably a good idea and a good project when „The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child was adopted by the United Nations General Assembly on 20 November 1989. So far, the Convention was

9 Ibid. 10 Retrieved at https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201111/can-por- nography-trigger-depression, [22nd August, 2017]. 11 Retrieved at https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2016/jun/15/pornhub-launches-porn-blind- described-video?utm_source=email+marketing+Mailigen&utm_campaign=News+6.17.16&utm_ medium=email, [22nd August, 2017]. 12 S. I. MCMILLEN, M. D., Boli Evitabile, 1988, p. 28.

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adopted by 194 of countries.”13 But the time we live today demonstrates that this well- developed project fights more against the family than for the interests of the family. The abovementioned document states that the fundamental rights of the child covered by the Convention are: the right to life, the right to a name and to a nationality, the right to education, the right to freely express their ideas, the right to health care, the right to be protected against any form of violence, abuse or neglect, the right to play and free time. However, the Child Protection Service, called in Norwegian Barnevernet14, is the institution that has caused great problems for many families, not only to Romanian families settled in Norway. We have observed some information about this institution that shows that their decisions have been at least questionable over time.

The opportunity for Barnevernet’s decisions has been criticized over time, ... es- pecially for the period from 1945 to 1980. About 4.000 children formerly raised in this system have claimed compensation for negligence or abuse while they lived in Barnevernet’s care, 2.637 of them receiving compensations estimated between about 10.800 and 81.000 euros, the total amount... approximately 140 million euros (by 2010).15

Probably the most famous family battling Barnevernet was the Bodnariu family, from which the Norwegian state abducted five children, despite the fact that these children were very loved and very well cared for in this respectable family of Romanian origin.

Anti-Barnevernet protests have been held in Oslo and in over 50 other cities last month. Marius and Ruth Bodnariu, who belong to Norway's Pentecostal Movement, are accused of having used corporal punishment against their children. However, their children were taken because of „Christian radicalism and indoctrination”, which led to protests from Christian all around the world. It is not always easy to make the difference between fact and fiction.16

All Christian churches in Romania and around the world have gathered together to support the Bodnariu family against the unimaginable abuse of a respectable Western institution called Barnevernet. God gave victory to the cause of the Bodnariu family, and all five of their children were given back. After receiving back their children, they were

13 Retrieved at http://www.salvaticopiii.ro/?id2=000200000000, [24th August, 2017]. 14 Retrieved at https://ro.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnevernet, [24th August, 2017]. 15 Ibid. 16 Retrieved at https://www.thelocal.no/20160503/barnevernet-norway-child-welfare-state-kid- napping-foreign-parents, [24th August, 2017].

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prosecuted by the Norwegian state, and they were forced to leave Norway and settle in Romania, in Bucharest, within their family in Romania.17

The contemporary Christian family is threatened with the kidnapping of their child- ren by the state, and their placement in some homosexual and lesbian families, which is in contradiction with the basic teachings of any Christian family and Christian society. This threat causes the family to weaken from within, the relationships between children and their parents are becoming hostile, and the repercussions are disastrous, especially for the next generation.

(d) Redefining family and sexual identity The family crisis is a profound one. The question that puzzles the contemporary so-

ciety today is a simple one, but its answer is a very complex one: What is marriage and family? The confusion about the nature and significance of marriage and family that exists today in the world is enormous and has consequences both in society and in the church, , but especially on the family, thus, the number of people living together without being married is growing in most countries.18

Modernism and postmodernism teach that the family must be redefined, and Judeo- Christian values have no relevance to a world in full economic growth and great achieve- ments in the scientific field. Therefore, the Netherlands was the first country to accept homosexual marriages and the adoption of children by these families in April 2001.19 In nineteen states of the world, homosexual marriages are accepted, and in some states these marriages take place in Christian churches.

Transgenderism, or sex change, is gaining more and more terrain in the UK, where such an operation costs £ 34,000 and is paid out of public money. Thomas Beatie is the first man of this category to become pregnant and give birth.20

Regarding sexual identity, there are people who want to change not only their sex but also their species, and this is called trans-speciesism. These people claim to have been born in a wrong, human body, though they are animals seeking their

17 Retrieved at http://www.cuvantul-ortodox.ro/recomandari/tag/marius-si-ruth-bodnariu/, [24th August, 2017]. 18 Don S. BROWNING, Equality and the Family, A Fundamental, Practical Theology of Chil- dren, Mothers and Fathers in Modern Societies, Michigan/ Cambridge, William B. Eerdmans, 2007, p. 208–209. 19 Retrieved at http://www.mediafax.ro/externe/casatoria-intre-persoane-de-acelasi-sex-recu- noscuta-in-18-tari-din-lume-14926840, [25th August, 2017]. 20 Retrieved at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3716301/March-Male-Mums-Women-hav- ing-sex-changes-NHS-receiving-free-IVF-three-men-born-female-brink-having-babies.html, [21st September, 2016].

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identity.21 The author of this article talks about people who have written books about their experiences.

British Thomas Thwaites published Goat Man – How I Took a Holiday from Being Human. His book describes his personal efforts to discover his true animal identity. He first thought that he was an elephant, but he changed his mind. He discovered his true identity, he says, visiting a witch in Copenhagen who convinced him that he was a goat, or, in other words, a male goat.22

This redefinition of family and sexual identity does not only mean, from a biblical point of view, a very serious deviation from the commands God has given in His Word, the Bible. The Christian world should be aware of these deviations from sound teaching, and appreciate such a practice as a sin before God.

Besides the family problems mentioned above, we can also mention: divorce, young people’s fear of marriage, elderly people’s fear of the future, family poverty, and the abun- dance of wealth in some families, unbelief, physical exhaustion, domestic violence, and others.

The solutions proposed by the society and the contemporary specialists are no longer viable in the field of family life because these „behavioral experts have lost their trust in Judeo-Christian ethics and have not taken into account the wisdom of this invaluable tradition!”23 There are family counsellors and therapists who, although they are not mod- els of family life, are allowed to give advice for improving family life, which will surely lead to failure. The idea suggested by the world we live in is that the family needs: more money, more material things, more entertainment, more education, more holidays, better paid jobs, healthier bodies, exercise in sport centers, healthier and more expensive food, and other solutions that are only related to the body or the occult religions.

The true needs of the family, however, are related to the spiritual aspect and the Judeo-Christian values. The modern family has all the chances of living happily at a time like this, provided that they know and fulfil their true needs, which are not of a physical nature but of a psychological and spiritual nature.

I would like to present the main needs of the Christian family in the modern society, and how these needs can be met. The Christian family certainly has a lot of material needs, starting with everyday food and ending with life assurance; however, these needs are largely met, and yet, happiness and gratitude are lacking in families.

21 Retrieved at https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=fegd6ntlm7gug#8742074676, [21st September, 2016]. 22 Ibid. 23 James DOBSON, Armonia în Familie, Timișoara, Noua Speranță, 1994, p. 155.

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1. The need for faith in God Family life must be centered on the belief that God „created us with certain intent.

He does nothing arbitrary. He planned something important for us. He has carefully chosen everything we are, the uniqueness and structure of our personality.”24

Faith in God brings much peace, balance, stability and blessing in the family. People who truly believe in God are more optimistic, more honest in their relations with peers and family, more concerned with spiritual values, and more responsible for family, church, and society. The contemporary generation is not aware of the need for faith in God, but is focused on the accumulation of material goods, the acquisition of academic titles and social positions, with the false conviction that inner peace and joy come from these things.

Cardinal Sean Brady, Archbishop of Armagh, received a letter from a seventy years old woman, named Clara, before making a visit to the area where she was born. Here are some of the words of this letter sent to the bishop:

We grew up without knowing what money look like and without hunger; but we had a family life, we always said our prayers and we had time to talk to our neighbors. Today we have so much money that people do not have time for any- thing, not even for God. People do not speak about the Ten Commandments anymore... What use do money and big houses bring? These things only last for a while... Bring back family life, family prayer and the reading of the Bible.25

This elderly woman demonstrates in her words that the primordial need of people is the need for faith in God, faith that brings fulfillment into family life.

Instead of turning their eyes to God, Who is the source of all blessings in family life, the modern family is taught to consume more and more time and energy to learn new techniques to become more effective sexual partners. Josh McDowell points out that when these techniques prove unsatisfactory, if the family would spend the same amount of resources for devotion and family responsibility, they could bring the intimacy and the joy that the two spouses long for into the bosom of the family.26 He also says that his personal relationship with Jesus Christ helped him become a better lover, a better hus- band and a better friend for Dottie, his wife.27

24 Michael DIETERICH, Esența Consilierii, 10 principii pentru o consiliere și psihoterapie holis- tică, Oradea, Societatea Biblică din România, 2010, p. 141. 25 Harry BOHAN, ed., Family Life Today: The Greatest Revolution?, Dublin, Veritas Publications, 2009, p. 16–17. 26 Josh MCDOWELL, Secretul artei de a iubi, Cluj Napoca, Aqua Forte, 2005, p. 11. 27 Ibid., p. 115.

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2. The need to read and fulfill the Bible The modern family has lost its frame of absolute values and moral standards. Parents

and children need absolute truths and lasting principles to lead their lives and these are found in the Word of God, the Bible. That is why, the Western society, built over the years on the values of the Word of God, should return quickly to reading and fulfilling the Bible in both personal and family life. Benjamin Wadsworth wrote that we should not even let one day pass without reading the Word of God.28

The human substitutes for the Bible, along with the counsel of the unworthy and sinful spiritual counselors, do not have the necessary power to restore the individual's harmony with himself, with his fellow men, with God, and with the whole world.29 The health of an individual and a family can only come from the proper principles of life that we find in the Bible. Abandoning the Bible and its teachings brought nothing good either to the individual, to the family or to society. Without the Bible, society and family strug- gle in a moral crisis that cannot be solved with laws and human commandments, no mat- ter how well intended are the people who give them.

3. The need for fellowship with the local church The family is not only the basic cell of society but also of the church. We cannot talk

about healthy churches without talking about healthy families. In fact, the health of the families and of the members of the church provides the general state of health to the church, and the church owes its responsibility to the spiritual state of its members. The Christian family needs the right relationship with the local church they are part of, and receives spiritual assistance from the church. The family needs to get involved in the works and projects of the local church: church services, church choir, church orchestra, missionary and evangelistic ministry, relief work for the sick and in need, and other mi- nistries that the church is involved in. The involvement in the church will bring the Chris- tian family a lot of spiritual health and material blessing.

The church is also called the great family of God. Gary L. McIntosh said that there are four generations living at the same time who make up the church, and each generation has its own troubles, values and needs. The four generations living together in the same church are: young people, that is those under the age of twenty; adults, that is people between twenty to forty years old; mature, that is, those who are between almost forty years old to nearly sixty years old; and the seniors, who are almost sixty years old and

28 Leland, RYKEN, Sfinți în lume, Puritanii în adevărata lor lumină, Oradea, Reformatio, 2004, p. 85. 29 Jay E. ADAMS, A Theology of Christian Counseling, Michigan, Zondervan, 1979, p. 35.

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older.30 The Christian family needs to be part of a local church, and, thus, be spiritually assisted according to the specific needs that each member of the family has.

4. The need to understand the power of the marriage covenant The young people and the families of our generation need a clear understanding of

what marriage, or the union between a man and a woman means. They need to be taught the truth according to which marriage is a covenant, not just a civil contract, as stated by the world we live in. Today,

... Social relationships are characterized more by contract than covenant, more by law than grace, more by constraint than empowerment, and more by aliena- tion than familiarity. In this regard, it should be pointed out that the family is the cornerstone of moral order in society. Therefore, any moral crisis that we experience in society can be very well attributed to the fall of the family.31

David P. Gushee presents seven characteristics of marriage, which show that it is a covenant and not just a civil contract between husband and wife. If the people of our time would take these things into account, their families would become more and more a cor- ner of heaven and less a place of suffering, both for spouses and their children who are part of the family.

First of all, marriage is a covenant, according to Gushee, because it is a voluntary agreement between two people, not coercion. Secondly, marriage is a covenant because it makes the relationship between a man and a woman public, and then submits this relati- onship to objective standards that the two spouses have to attain. Thirdly, marriage is a covenant because it obliges the two spouses to be faithful, responsible and committed to their family life. Fourthly, marriage is a covenant because it involves external signs of oaths made public between the two, such as the public exchange of wedding rings and vows. Fifth, marriage is a covenant because it is made for all life, and can only be broken in special situations. Sixth, marriage is a covenant because God is taken both as a witness and as a guarantor of the promises made by the bride and groom on the day of marriage. Seventh, marriage is a covenant because the observance of the promises made on the oc- casion of marriage entails great blessings, and their violation brings divine punishment and judgment.32

30 Gary L. MCINTOSH, One Church, Four Generations/ Understanding and Reaching All Ages in Your Church, Michigan, Baker Books, 2002, p. 15. 31 Jack O. BALSWICK and Judith K. BALSWICK, The Family, A christian perspective on the contem- porary home, Grand Rapids, Baker Academic, 2014, p. 369–370. 32 David P. GUSHEE, Getting Marriage Right. Realistic Counsel for Saving & Strengthening Re- lationships, Michigan, Baker Books, 2004, p. 136–138.

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Linda J. Waite points out that research among men and women shows that both married men and married women live longer and are healthier than men and women who choose not to marry, or remain divorced or widowed from their youth.33

5. The need for spiritual counseling There are relatively few Christian families today who are aware of the need for a

spiritual counselor. The first counselors of a Christian family should be the parents of the two spouses, from which the young couple should ask for advice and counseling when they get stuck. If things are not solved in the family, then the first person to whom spo- uses should resort is the church pastor or one of the church ministers, who, when he feels unable to help such a family, will suggest another spiritual counselor who is able to help them in their problem.34

Pastor Daniel Brânzei draws attention to the fact that there are also „dangerous con- fidentialities”, or people we should never advise with.

Even if you have problems in your family, avoid sharing them with a person of the opposite sex outside of the family. I had the opportunity to listen to the testi- mony of a young woman who had become the target of the confidentiality of an office colleague who had problems with his wife. Very quickly – even faster than usual, since the man was a serious person and he actually suffered – relations of affection and mutual understanding were established between the two confidants. There was only one step from such a situation to sin.35

Many divorces and major misunderstandings in families could be avoided by calling to a spiritual counselor. Christian families need to be taught that after the first night they go to bed arrogant and unyielding, the two spouses urgently need spiritual counseling because they have violated the verses in Ephesians 4:26–7 which say: „Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Spiritual counseling should be understood not as a failure of a Christian family but as a help that God puts at the disposal of the Christian family who is in difficult times.

The Christian psychiatrist, Frank B. Minirth, states that Christian counseling is uni- que and special because it is based not only on the will of man to be responsible but also

33 John WALL et al., ed., Marriage, Health and the Professions: If marriage is good for you, what does this mean for law, medicine, ministry, therapy and business?, Michigan, William B. Eerdmans, 2002, p. 13–15. 34 Tim and Beverly LAHAYE, The Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual Love, Michigan, Grand Rapids, 1976, p. 245. 35 Daniel BRÂNZEI, Ghidul Familiei Creştine, Multimedea SRL, p. 56.

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on the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in the believers and gives them the ability to overcome the problems that they are facing.36

6. The need for prayer The family needs much prayer, because situations in the family are solved not only

with human power, but also with divine help. At a time like the one in which we live, Josh McDowell's advice, although not in fashion, can bring a lot of reviving to family life:

Pray for the wisdom of being a husband that is pleasing to God and a spiritual guide, one who brings the thirst for God in the soul of your wife. Pray for the wisdom of being a wife that is pleasing to God and a support that will make your husband present himself as longing for justice in his own life. Pray that God will make you the right person for the other.37

Because „prayer means bringing God back into the world...”38, the solution to all kind of family crises is prayer; only the involvement of God can bring balance in the life of the contemporary Christian family. Edward M. Bounds said beautifully:

Prayer is broad in its influence and global in its effects. It affects all people, wher- ever they are, and affects them in all areas of life. It touches the temporal interests of people and their eternity. It clings to God and moves Him to interfere with the problems that are on earth. It makes angels work for people in this life. It con- straints and overcomes the power of the devil...39

To reinvigorate our personal life, our family life and the society in which we live, the modern Christian family is called to invest more and more time in prayer.

7. The need for genuine worship before God Every contemporary Christian family should understand the role of worship in both

personal and family life. The husband and wife should understand that „just as a man does not divide his wife with another, so the Lord does not tolerate His people to worship

36 Ed WHEAT, Viața de Dragoste pentru fiecare cuplu căsătorit, Societatea Misionară Română, 1987, p. 205. 37 Josh MCDOWELL, Secretul artei de a iubi, Cluj-Napoca, Aqua Forte, 2005, p. 213. 38 Samuel E. BALENTINE, Prayer in the Hebrew Bible, The drama of divine-human dialogue, Min- neapolis, Augsburg Fortress, 1993, p. 284–285. 39 E. M. BOUNDS, The essentials of prayer, Michigan, Baker Book House, 1982, p. 121.

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other gods.”40 The life of strong families is characterized by proper worship before God, worship that brings about the right decisions in everyday life.

The contemporary family which solves the problem of worship before God will be able to solve all other problems and have a life of gratitude and great spiritual abundance.

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