Family Therapy paper
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GottmanMethodCouplesTherapy-1.pptxJohn Gottman
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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30 years of research on couples
University of Washington
In-Class Journal
What do you consider to be the strengths of GMCT? Weaknesses? Blind spots?
Overall reactions to GMCT?
What did you find particularly helpful about the reading that increased your understanding of couples and couples therapy?
Anything you disliked?
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Based on Gottman’s research on married couples, primarily, over a 30-year period
No current empirical studies on the effectiveness of this clinical approach
“Research Informed” Approach
His research is primarily based on observational data (i.e., filming and coding couples interactions, gathering data on physiological arousal, and partners’ perceptions).
The data produced information about the relationship elements that predict the longitudinal course of relationships
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Gottman on GMCT
“My views on what works well in marriages are based solely on what “real people” do to have stable and satisfying marriages, whatever their socioeconomic, ethnic, and racial attributes…….I have often described my goal as fostering the “good enough” marriage.”
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In-Class Journal
In thinking about a “good enough” relationship being happy, healthy, stable and fulfilling, vs. settling, vs. having unrealistic expectations that will never get met…
How do you know if you have unrealistic expectations for yourself or your relationships?
How do you know if you are complacent/not trying hard enough to better yourself or your relationships?
Gottman on GMCT
“I suggest that enabling couples to repair their own interaction is the central goal of marital therapy, and that we should terminate marital therapy not when the marriage is a great marriage, but when the couple is capable of repair without us.”
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Conflict and Couples
Couple relationships are the merging of two individuals who bring their own culture, ideas, and personality traits, strengths, needs and values.
Problems are an inevitable part of a relationship.
When choosing a long term partner you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years. (Dan Wile)
Relationships are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.
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Two Types of Conflict
Solvable Problems (31%)
Problems and conflicts that can be resolved.
Tend to be less intense because the focus is on a particular situation or dilemma, not on unmet needs or dreams.
Perpetual Problems (69%)
Will always be part of the couple’s life together to varying degrees, in some form or another.
Often involves unmet needs or dreams.
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In-Class Journal
What are 2 examples of solvable problems in a relationship of yours? (doesn’t have to be romantic, but it can be)
What are 2 examples of perpetual problems in a relationship of yours?
Signs of Emotional Gridlock
Conflict makes partners feel rejected.
Despite discussions, no headway is made.
Entrenchment in positions and unwillingness to budge, which results in becoming more and more polarized.
After discussions, the participants feel more frustrated and hurt.
Conversations are devoid of humor, amusement or affection.
Partner is portrayed by the other as evil or vile.
Disengagement from each other emotionally.
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Keys to Overcoming Gridlock
To move from gridlock to discussion.
To develop a mindset that perpetual problems are like an ongoing medical condition that you have to learn to live with.
To understand the underlying cause of conflict. Discover the often hidden meaning, hopes, and needs.
To develop respect for each other’s hopes, aspirations, and needs and understand that one of the functions of couple relationships is to help each other grow and achieve these dreams.
Keep love for each other paramount. To make sure that each partner understands that they come first in the other’s heart.
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How He Predicts Divorce
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Not because they argue, rather how they argue
Harsh Start Up, Horsemen, Flooding, body language, Failed repair attempts, bad memories,
96% of the time just in the first three minutes of the conversation
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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First Sign: Harsh Start Up
Harsh Start-Ups
Beginning a discussion with criticism (e.g., blaming) or contempt (e.g., sarcasm).
Examples:
“I hate the holidays, your shopping always drives us into debt.”
“I’m sick of going out with your friends all the time.”
“How the heck should I know? And why do I always have to cook.”
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Second Sign: Four Horsemen
Four Horsemen
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
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Horseman #1: Criticism
Complaints about a person are common.
Complaint: Addresses a specific action and usually begins with the word “I”.
“We don’t go out as much as I’d like to.”
Criticism: More global and often attacks the person’s character. Usually begins with the word “You”
“You never take me anywhere.”
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Criticism vs. Complaint
Criticism: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen again. You promised me you wouldn’t. I just can’t trust you, can I?
Complaint: It upset me when I came home and there were dirty dishes in the sink. This morning we agreed that you would wash them.
Criticism: I hate that you’re the type of person who never thinks to call and tell me you’ll be late coming home. You always leave me hanging. You care more about your friends than you do about our marriage.
Complaint: I expected you to come home right after work. When you didn’t, it made me feel like you care more about going out with your friends than spending time with me.
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Horseman #2-Contempt
Distinguished from criticism by the intention to insult and to psychologically abuse your partner. Conveys disgust.
Common Signs:
Insults and Name Calling
Hostile Humor
Mockery
Body Language
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Horseman #3-Defensiveness
Fundamentally, an attempt to protect yourself.
Rarely has the desired effect because it is really a way of blaming the partner or avoiding responsibility.
Signs of Defensiveness:
Denying responsibility
Making excuses
Disagreeing with Negative Mind reading
Cross complaining
Yes-Butting
Repeating yourself
Whining
Body language
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Horseman #4-Stonewalling
Disengaging from the conversation and/or the relationship by leaving emotionally, verbally, and/or physically.
Usually arrives later in the course of a relationship than the other three horsemen.
It is more common for men to stonewall than women.
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In-Class Journal
Come up with an example of each of the 4 horsemen
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Third Sign: Flooding
Flooding
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Stonewalling is a protection from flooding
Emotional flooding “shell shock”
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Fourth Sign: Body Language
Physiological Responses
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Heart rate increases (some as high as 165 bpm)
Secretion of adrenaline
Increase in blood pressure
“fight or flight” system
These lead to divorce because discussions can not be productive when partners are physiologically aroused
Can no longer “respond” to your partner
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
Repair Attempts & Accepting Influence
Repair Attempts: A repair includes any effort (statement or action) to de-escalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter.
Can be an apology, a smile, use of humor, etc.
Two parameters: 1) a threshold of negativity at which repair attempts kick in, and 2) effectiveness of the repair
Accepting Influence: Being open to persuasion from one another, to compromise, etc.
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Solving Solvable Problems
Soften Your Start-Up
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other (danger of flooding)
Compromise
Be tolerant of each other’s faults
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Bids for Connection
Bid: A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”
A response to a bid is just that—a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection.
Bids and responses to bids are the primary components of emotional communication.
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Positive responses to a bid typically lead to continued interaction. A negative response to a bid typically shuts down emotional communication, all bids cease.
What happens when we fail to respond positively to one another’s bids? Such failures are rarely malicious or mean spirited. More often we’re simply unaware of or insensitive to others’ bids for our attention. Still, when such mindlessness becomes habitual, the results can be devastating.
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
Bad Memories
Gottman's Couples Therapy
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Typically show through during relationship history
Relationship histories that are negative (even recalling the wedding day) provide an environment for the four hoursemen
Cant recall mutual activities
Attribute ulterior motives to behaviors
How He Predicts Divorce
Harsh Start Up
The Four Horsemen
Flooding
Body Language
Failed Repair Attempts
Bad Memories
Activity
Take a Break First?
The Sound Relationship House
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Theory that guides assessment and interventions-Level I video 1
First 3 levels build friendship
Remember what we said about perpetual problems is that they’re often based in personality differences or lifestyle differences – characteristic that are never going to change about your partner. What set of problems do you want to inherit for the rest of your life?
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Sound Relationship House: Essential Elements
The foundation is composed of friendship and its ability to create three levels of positive affect in non-conflict contexts.
Cognitive room (Love Maps)
Knowing one’s partner’s psychological world, and being known and feeling known.
Fondness and Admiration System
Reflects the amount and accessibility of respect and affection partners feel for, and are willing to express to one another.
Turning toward versus turning away
Reflects emotional connection and distance in the relationship.
Components of friendship lead to Positive Sentiment Override if they are working well or Negative Sentiment Override if they are not.
Sentiment override determines success of repair attempts during conflict discussions.
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Sound Relationship House: Essential Elements (Cont.)
Conflict and its regulation (not resolution) form the next level. Three parts to this level:
Solving solvable problems with some basic skills
Establish dialogue, not gridlock with perpetual problems
Physiological soothing (mostly self-soothing)
The final level has to do with creating a shared meaning system. This consists of
Meshing individual life dreams
Meshing rituals of connection, goals, roles, myths, narratives, and metaphors.
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In-Class Journal
Think of a relationship in your own life, or you can make one up. Write about each of the elements of the Sound Relationship House for this relationship.
What do each of these levels consist of for you in this relationship?
What do you want more of in your relationship house?
What do you want less of in your relationship house?
Seven Goals of Couples Therapy
Move the couple from gridlock to dialogue on one major problem.
Have the couple be able to repair a fight without the therapist.
Establish six social skills
Label & replace the Four Horsemen
Soften Start-Up
Accept Influence
Do Physiological Soothing
Make Effective Repair Attempts
Compromise
Build friendship as a base for effective repair.
Process failed bids for connection.
Set up meaningful rituals of emotional connection.
Fade therapist, prevent relapse, schedule follow up and booster sessions.
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Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Goals of Therapy & Intervention Approaches
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Three Domains for Therapeutic Goals
Constructive Conflict
Friendship/
Intimacy/Positive Affect
Shared Meaning
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Three Goals of GMCT
Modify Conflict: The couple will create constructive ways of managing conflict that create intimacy and understanding from conflict.
Enhance Friendship: The couple will build their friendship, intimacy, and positive affect systems
(Ex. play, humor, affection, courtship, romance, passion, sexual intimacy, adventure).
Create Shared Meaning: The couple will build and maintain a system of shared meaning.
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Goal #1: Modify Conflict
Conflict Goal #1: Understand the Partner’s Point of View
Rapoport Intervention
Postpone persuasion until both people can state partner’s position to partner’s satisfaction
What’s This? Mode vs. What the Heck is This? Mode
Speaker’s job—No blaming, state feeling and positive need
Listener’s job—Take notes, summarize and validate speaker’s position, ask questions
Conflict Blueprint
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You try!
Goal #1: Modify Conflict Cont.
Conflict Goal #2: Eliminate the 4 Horsemen and Replace them with their Antidotes
Criticism: Teach softened start-up
Defensiveness: Teach taking responsibility
Contempt: Build culture of appreciation
Stonewalling: Self-soothing
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Goal #1: Modify Conflict Cont.
Conflict Goal #3: Move from Gridlock to Dialogue on a Perpetual Issue
The Dreams Within Conflict Intervention
Getting at the underlying dream or meaning behind position on the issue
Speaker—State position without blame, with depth
Listener—Ask questions about history, meaning, and dream within partner’s position (Don’t try to solve the issue).
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Goal #1: Modify Conflict Cont.
Conflict Goal # 4: Develop Six Skills
Soften Start-Up
Psychoeducation & Coaching
Accept Influence
Coaching/Listening-Understanding
Make Effective Repairs During Conflict
Psychoeducation/Coaching—Building Repair Repertoire
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Conflict Goal # 4: Develop Six Skills
De-escalate
Anatomy of a Fight, Video play-back, Internal Working Models
Compromise
Two-oval Method
Do Physiological Soothing of Self and Partner
Psychoeducation/Coaching—DPA & Flooding, Time outs, Relaxation, Visualization
Goal #1: Modify Conflict Cont.
Conflict Goal #5: Process Fights & Regrettable Incidents
Aftermath of a Fight
Two subjective realities, both right
Feelings list
Validate each other’s realities
Admitting mode
Triggers
How to make it better next time
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Goal #1: Modify Conflict Additional Interventions
Regulation of Conflict
Solving What is Solvable
Softened Start-Up Exercises: Rules
Practicing Repairs in a Non-Gridlocked Conversation
Psychoeducation about DPA, Introducing the “Withdrawal Ritual”, A Conversation about Flooding
Imaging Exercise paired with 4-Steps in Self-Soothing
Compromise Conversation
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Goal #1: Modify Conflict Additional Interventions
Regulation of Conflict Continued
Living with Perpetual Problems
Recognizing Strengths Conversation
Imagining Others’ Dreams Exercises
Dreams within Conflict Conversation
Honoring One Another’s Dream Exercise
Defining the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on.
Define areas of greater flexibility that are not so “hot” emotionally.
Come up with a temporary compromise and plan.
Fears of Accepting Influence Conversation
Goal #2: Enhance Friendship/Intimacy
F & I Goal #1: Build Love Maps
Gottman Love Map Exercise
Build knowledge of partner’s internal world
Card Deck or Handout
Guess right answer to each question
If wrong, partner makes gentle correction
Ask open-ended questions
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Goal #2: Enhance Friendship/Intimacy
F & I Goal #2: Turn Towards
The Stress-Reducing Conversation
Issue external to the relationship
Don’t try to solve the problem
Take turns listening and being supportive
Validate emotions even if disagree with position
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Goal #2: Enhance Friendship/Intimacy Misc. Interventions
Enhancing the Friendship
Love Maps
Love Map Game
Interview Partner about Everyday Life
Most Important Recent & Upcoming Event
Life to be Like in 5 Years (or the immediate future)
Changes in their Personal Lives
Injury & Healing Discussion
Triumphs & Strivings Discussion
Mission & Legacy Discussion
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Goal #2: Enhance Friendship/Intimacy Misc. Interventions Cont.
Enhancing the Friendship (Cont)
Turning Toward vs. Turning Away
Gottman Areas of Strength Checklist Exercise (p. 373)
Stress Reducing Conversation
Gottman Turning Toward During Everyday Events Checklist (p. 370-372)
Physiological Soothing: Relaxation Exercise (Table 7.10, p. 216-217) & Tips to Soothe Your Partner Discussion
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Goal #3: Create Shared Meaning
SM Goal #1: Build Rituals of Connection
Rituals are times you can count on connecting
Formal and informal rituals made meaningful and intentional
Discuss details of preferred ways to connect
Include family histories related to specific rituals
Examples of types of rituals include:
Leave Taking, Reunions, Mealtimes, Eating Out, After-meal (or after kid bedtime) Coffee or Tea, The reunion stress-reducing conversation, Bedtimes, Morning Rituals, Dates & Getaways, When One Person is Sick, Celebrations of a Triumph, Rituals surrounding setbacks, bad luck, failures, fatigue, Rituals surrounding entertaining, Rituals surrounding keeping in touch with kin and friends, Rituals surrounding initiating and refusing love making and talking about lovemaking, Vacations
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Goal #3: Create Shared Meaning
SM Goal #2: Create Shared Purpose in the Couple Building a Life Together
Making shared meaning system intentional
Discuss beliefs, values, missions, legacies, roles, and goals
Validate one another
Plan how to honor each other
Family Rituals Exercise
Family Roles Exercise
Family Goals Exercise
Family Symbols Exercise
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