Order 1252114: Styles of Love, Unconscious Choices, Failed Love and Divorce, Whom we love ~ Object Stories

c-- THE GAME STORY

The game story goes back at least to Ovid, who described love as

ludic, or gamelike. 1 This view of love is also captured in John Lee's

notion of the gamelike, or ludic, lover2

What distinguishes the game story from other gamelike stories or

stories about love being fun is that in this story the game is what is

called "zero-sum": There is a winfier and a loser, and as one indi- vidual comes closer to winning, the other comes closer to losing. 3

Thus, the game story involves a kind of competition, although one

of the partners may be unaware that the competition is taking place.

Often, multiple individuals are involved in the game, but only one

partner may be aware of this fact, or both partners may be aware, but with respect to different players. They may both be playing the

same game without either partner realizing it. One of the most well-known expressions of the game story in

film can be found in the movie Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where

Ric:hard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor have constructed an elaborate

game in which each is continually trying to undercut the other. But

each is also dependent on the other to play the game and to follow

the rules. When the rules change, it spells disaster for the relation-

ship. Burton and Taylor suck another young couple into their game,

destroying that couple along with themselves.

Games do not have to be as destructive as the Taylor-Burton

game, but their competitive nature is at odds with the way we typ-

ical!y define close relationships. Judson Mills d M f: hav d · · · hed an argaret Clark ~· . e . lStmgUis between communal relationships-in wh,·ch ther ~. IS a gtve-and-take where no "records" are kept-and h e ~~;.:~ lationsh· · h' h exc ange re- .

Ips, m w lC there is a fairly careful tit-for-tat with both ~·.· partners In the relationship keeping track of h . . : , , ceivin h ' G . w 0 IS giving and re- t(

g w at. arne stones are about exchange not I ~· lationships. ' communa re- ['

;::=~=------------~ Diagnosing the Game Story f 1 I believe Jove is like a g . . I 2 I b ,. d . . arne, sometJmes you win, sometimes you Jose. ..,.

e Jeve ating IS much like a . 3 I lik t I k . game, you play your part and hope to win

e o oo at re!atJonships as a ga I · and . me; my ass may be somebody else's gain f:. Vice versa. ' •f

4 I view my relationships as gam Th . f the ~citement of the game. es. e uncertarnty of winning or losing is part of J"

5 I bel1eve partners in a re/ationshi rk l minimizincr losses and max· .. par~ ' e opponents in a game; each side aims at ~

<=> rm1zrng garns. 1

6 When a romantic partner breaks up with me, I feel like I have lost . l 7 When ram w"th . m a game.

I a partner m a relationship I find myself th" k" . is winning and who is losing. ' m mg m terms of who

8 l believe relationships are a game much l'k h J e any ot er.

fill and Stephen

gl Jill ~d Stephen belong to the same health club. Occasionally they an~e T Irtatwusly at each other, but they have yet to exchange a

Wor . oday, however, Stephen notices that Jill has left her b m the we1ght ro d · . gym ag

om, an , seizmg the opportunity he . k . chases after h J'll ' plc s lt up and

er. ' acts surprised and grateful when h h d h the bag alth h h h d e an s er

, oug s e a intended to leave it behind k . th Stephen had been e ein h , nowmg at had left it. y g er and would almost certainly see that she

They have a light conversation, and it is obvious from th e outset

that neither wants to sound too interested in the other. As an aside,

Jill mentions how much fun she's been having in the yoga class that

the health club offers. Stephen responds by telling her that he has

always considered going to one of these classes (which, of course, he

hasn't really considered) but that he has never gotten around to it.

Jill tells him that a class is starting up in five minutes and that he

should come along. He readily agrees, although he is careful not to

seem too excited.

After the class ends, Stephen casually asks Jill for her phone num-

ber. She gives it to him, and they go their separate ways. That night

Stephen sits by the phone, wondering whether to call Jill. He decides

it would be best to wait a day, just to keep her guessing. When he

finally calls her, she tells him that she is busy and that she'll call him

back when she gets a chance. In reality, Jill isn't busy at all, but she

doesn't want Stephen to think that she's just sitting by the phone,

waiting for him to call.

Eventually Stephen and Jill start spending time with one another;

however, just as it was in the health club and on the phone, each of

them treats the other as a friendly competitor in a game, rather than

as a partner in a budding relationship. It is as if they both want to feel that they are somehow winning the game at the e;.xpense of the

other. For instance, Jill always tries to make it seem as though Ste-

phen wants her more than she wants him. She waits for him to

make a sexual pass at her; then, even though she wants to reciprocate

his movements, she backs off, teasing him with a sly laugh.

Stephen, the more competitive of the two, turns everything into

a literal contest. While hanging out at a bar the other night, he set

up a game whereby the winner would be the one who was ap-

proached by the largest number of people. He and Jill separated

themselves by a distance long enough to ensure that others would

not think they were together, yet short enough to be able to keep

tabs on one another. At first this little ·contest was quite exciting; at

the very least it was a change of pace from the standard bar outing.

However, when they decided to tally up the score, there was a minor

discrepancy between the number of people that Stephen believed had

approached him, and the number Jill had observed approaching him.

Jill eventually wanted to drop the subject, but Stephen continued to

insist that he was right.

For the most part, Stephen and Jill enjoy the little games in their

relationship. Without these games, their rime together wouldn't be

as enjoyable. Both regard the games as fun and exciting. Stephen

likes it when Jill teases him. He finds that it makes him even more

attracted to her. And Jill likes all the contests that Stephen sets up

for them. She not only enjoys it when she beats him; she also derives

pleasure from watching him gloat after he wins.

Occasionally, however, Jill and Stephen's competitiveness gets in

the way of their becoming more intimate. Stephen will not be com-

pletely open with Jill about his innermost feelings, because he fears

that she will regard such an act as a sign that he wants her more

than she wants him, and that she will then move on to someone else

whom she sees as being harder to get. Jill, too, will not be completely

open with Stephen, because she senses this dilemma of his, and

doesn't want to relinquish what she considers to be an aspect of the

relationship in which she feels she is winning.

Wes and Gina

W es thought that Gina would give him at least one point. They

have been playing racquetball for almost forty-five minutes, and Wes

is getting dizzy from futilely trying to catch up with the little blue

ball that has been bouncing off just about everything in the court

except his paddle. Gina is relentless in her attempt to keep him from

scoring any points. Finally he hits a good shot, but instead of con-

gratulating him, she contends that he hit her previous shot on the

second bounce and therefore should lose the point. Wes is convinced

that he hit the shot on the first bounce, but at the moment he thinks

that whether or not he did is completely irrelevant. After all, he just

made his first good shot of the day; she should be happy for him.

W es gets upset and walks off the court. He gathers his things and goes out to Gina's car, where he sits on the hood and waits for her

to come out and apologize.

Wes and Gina have been going out for six months, and t..f:tere are

I f f

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times when Wes thinks that Gina sees the two of them as being

involved in a competition rather than a relationship. She is deter-

mined to be the best at everything-not just at racquetball and other

naturally competitive ventures, but at things as seemingly uncom-

petitive as taking down phone messages. W es sees Gina as someone

who could turn this seemingly mindless task into a challenge of who

can take down the better, more comprehensive messages.

Gina also turns the romantic aspects of their relationship into a

competition. One of her favorite things to do is to play a kissing

game with W es; the two of them sit so that there are just a few

inches between their lips, and the winner is the one who resists the

temptation to kiss the other the longest. Gina has never lost this

game, as Wes always succumbs to his desire to kiss her; after all, he

knows that if he does not kiss her, they will sit there all day, because

Gina would never give Wes the satisfaction of winning. For the most part, Wes does not mind Gina's competitiveness. It

rurns a lot of seemingly unexciting tasks-taking phone messages,

to continue with that example-into fun activities. In addition, Wes finds that Gina's gamelike approach to the relationship is a refreshing

change of pace from the extremely serious relatio;>ships in which he

is usually involved. Occasionally, however, Wes believes that Gma

regards the relationship as nothing more than a game; even. worse,

he sometimes thinks that her feelings for him are not so different

from her feelings for any one of her many racquetball opponents.

On those occasions, he wonders if the only pleasure she gets from

the relationship is in beating him at something. . Gina finally comes out to the car, where Wes is still thinkmg

about how appropriate her vanity license plate-IWIN2-is. She

flashes a smile of embarrassment as she puts a hand on his knee. She

apologizes to him for her behavior and compliments him on his

terrific shot. He shakes his head and asks her why she couldn't have

said that sooner, rather than destroy his one moment of glory. She

responds by telling him that he knows how competitive she can get,

and how he has seen it get the best of her before. He nods and

smiles, realizing that this is why he is still going out with her. Mter

all, if it really were the case that Gina thought of him as no more

than an opponent in a competition, he probably would have stopped seeing her a long time ago.

Modes of Thought and Behavior

In a game story, an individual thinks of a relationship in terms

of winning and losing. Gamesters tend to be competitive, and this

competitiveness can come out in a sport, as in the case of Gina and

Wes's racquetball game, or in the relationship itself, as in the cases both of Jill and Stephen and of Gina and W es.

Games can take a number of different forms. For one thing, they

can be inwardly directed, as with Jill and Stephen and with Gina and Wes. In inwardly directed games, the partners concentrate on

each other as game players, and both partners are typically aware

that games are being played. In outwardly directed games, third

parties (and possibly fourth and fifth parties) can also become in-

volved. In such games-illustrated by Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?-the game is more complex, more intricate, and potentially more destructive, because typically only some of the players are fully aware that a game is being played.

Games can easily become destructive and be inherently unfair

when not everyone knows that a game is being played or, if they do

know, what the rules are. The partner who does not know the rules

or even that he or she is part of a game is at a major competitive

disadvantage and can easily be taken advantage of. If and when the

game is discovered, the relationship may be quickly shattered.

Games can also differ in their intensity. They can range from

rather minor diversions involving lighthearted humor, to serious and

elaborate games where the boundaries between reality and fantasy

begin to blur. These games often involve a triangulation of three people in a relationship.

Another dimension along which games differ is whether the com-

petitors ~re real or fantasy individuals. Couples sometimes invent false players and competitors who may, for example, be competing

for the affection of one or both partners. The other partner may

therefore find himself or herself competing against someone who

does not exist. One partner may invent a person or the suggestion

of a person, who is presented as real, in order to pique the other

partner's interest or jealousy. The game mentality can be turned into another and usually more

constructive form when the couple perceive themselves as being on

the same side of a game that they are playing with others. For ex-

ample, in doubles tennis, a couple may compete against another cou-

ple, trying together to win against the outsiders. In other forms of

games, however, the outsiders may not realize they are being drawn

into a game or, having realized it, may not wish to play.

Complementary Roles: Winner and Loser

Because games typically involve two people playing against each

other, there is likely to be a winner and a loser. In lighthearted

games, neither partner takes seriously who wins or loses. In more

serious games, however, the stakes can be increased, so that partners

are competing as fiercely as they might in tournament tennis. Such

competitive relationships tend to be at risk because they can be so

stressful, and because one individual may truly feel like a loser (and

be perceived in that way by the other individual). When partners play on the same team (as in the doubles tennis

analogy), they may perceive themselves both as potential winners.

Their goal, though, is to turn some other individual or individuals

into losers, so that the problems that are associated with the game

story still arise-they are just displaced outside the relationship.

Advantages and Disadvantages

Gamelike relationships have a sense of excitement, rapid change,

and sometimes fun. They may also represent a recognition that life

should not be taken all too seriously. At the same time, a game that

starts out as being not so serious can become serious and disruptive

to the relationship, especially if one or the other partner becomes

obsessed with winning. A danger in such relationships is that the

game will begin to take over the relationship, and that what comes

to be taken seriously is not the intimacy that can be established, but

rather the sense of competition. Unless both partners enjoy, or at

least can tolerate, such a sense of competition, the relationship is

likely to be at risk.