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Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 2

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Updated: October 2, 2015

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know:

 Four reasons for poor performance.

 The importance of embracing the differences in people.

 Steps for progressive discipline.

 About sexual harassment in the workplace.

 The relationship between boundaries and difficult behavior.

 16 Powerful Assertive Confrontation and Discipline Techniques for Leaders.

 When to dismiss employees.

 How to dismiss employees.

 How the public sector and unions can differ from the private sector.

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Dif- ficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.

—Connie Podesta

nter-team relationships are extremely important and will affect the quality, professionalism,

and effectiveness of your company. Healthy relationships require healthy people. As the leader

of your team, you set the bar as to how the rest of your team will interact with each other.

They will follow your example—good or bad. By embracing the leadership techniques and people skills

contained in this course, you will set a healthy standard for your employees to follow.

However, problems with employees will arise from time to time even with the best of leaders.

These problems may be between employees, related to performance, or both. When problems do

arise, you as the manager are the one who will need to deal with them. This segment discusses many

advanced coaching and discipline techniques that will help you to deal assertively with problem em-

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

ployees. As you study these techniques, try to visualize how you might use them with your own em-

ployees. You may not be placed in a position to use them all, but you should familiarize yourself with

them because they can be used in a number of life situations. You can also use this segment as a

reference in the future should you encounter employee problems.

In addition to this segment, the Addendum on the course page is provided as a reference for

handling several specific difficult behaviors including complainers, gossips, aggressive employees,

excuse-makers, negative employees, and those who make snide remarks. Specific language for you

to use in handling these poor behaviors is also featured.

REASONS FOR POOR PERFORMANCE

Poor team member performance usually results from one (or more) of four primary reasons:

1. They Don’t Know How to Do the Job (Knowledge). The solution is to train/coach the

employee. This reason is, of course, especially true among new employees.

2. They Can’t Do the Job (Aptitude). The employee simply doesn’t have the aptitude for the

job or specific job tasks. Another area of potential aptitude issues stems from a lack of

emotional maturity of the employee. Some adults just haven’t sufficiently developed emo-

tionally to deal effectively with others. With some of these types of people, training and

coaching just don’t seem to do much good because their issues run too deep. Therefore,

an aptitude problem may involve an employee simply being incapable of getting along with

other employees.

It is important to note that an aptitude issue cannot be fixed with training or coaching.

It really just boils down to the fact that the employee simply cannot do the job. The only

two fixes available for aptitude issues (depending on the nature) are: 1. Put the employee

in a job or position that he or she can do, or, 2. Dismiss the employee from the team.

3. They Are Not Allowed to Do the Job (Excessive Interferences). This issue can happen

when a manager is over-controlling and micro-manages the employee to the point of the

employee not being able to perform. The solution is to train your people, communicate

outcomes and boundaries, and then let them do their job without getting in the way.

4. They Won’t Do the Job (Attitude). This issue directly involves an attitude problem with

the employee and can manifest in a number of ways including snide remarks, refusal to

follow policies and procedures, consistently missing deadlines, etc. If an employee exhibits

this kind of attitude, first find out what is behind their behavior, if possible, and then coach

him or her for resolution. If the employee doesn’t change, then the only solution is dismissal

from the team. If you keep an employee with a bad or negative attitude on the team for

very long, it will adversely affect the rest of the team. Therefore, deal with attitude issues

promptly.

IT TAKES EVERY KIND OF PEOPLE

While doing a leadership seminar on how to deal with difficult and challenging employees in At-

lanta, Georgia in the spring of 2005, “Judy” approached me privately afterward to discuss her chal-

lenging people. “I have four (subordinate) team leads who cannot get along with each other. They

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

seem to bicker and fight over trivial and insignificant matters. What would you suggest I do to coach

them past this problem?”

Personality conflicts are common to just about any organization. I’ve trained and coached many

people in the area of dealing with difficult people. Whenever others ask me how to deal with it, I

reflect on my own experience.

When I was a young lad of 19 years old, I met a man at my church and, right away, I simply did not

like him. I can’t tell you why. He did not do or say anything wrong or improper. I just didn’t like him.

Now, this was a new experience for me, for even at that young age I wasn’t in the habit of judging

people at face value. But with him, I apparently did, and herein lies the lesson I learned. After talking

with and getting to know him, I found out something very interesting about him: He was a nice guy

and I liked him! There was nothing to substantiate my initial feelings and I knew him for over 15 years

afterward. I’ve thought about this experience many times since, and whenever I have a weird feeling

about someone that I’ve met for the first time, I try to get to know him or her better. As a result,

the feeling usually passes into the nothingness that it came from. And if it doesn’t, then the person

usually gives me a reason why. Either way, I don’t know for sure until I get to know them.

When dealing with employees who can’t get along, I believe that if they would just get to know

each other as human beings, they might just find they have more in common than they realize. This

means that the “good reasons” they had for bickering and infighting begin to evaporate.

So, how do you get employees to know one another better? One method is to give your employees

an opportunity to get to know each other beyond the job. This can include get-togethers and picnics,

to name a couple. Just giving your employees the opportunity to socialize may resolve personality

differences, at least to the point where your employees can work together.

Another method is to train your employees regarding the differences in people as well as in com-

mon human behaviors by using a behavioral profile, such as the IMHS Behavioral Profile offered in

Course G140: Metaphysical Psychology. Judy, mentioned above, used this method with good results.

About a month after my seminar in Atlanta, Judy emailed me to tell me that her four team leads had

taken the IMHS Behavioral Profile. She wrote,

They benefited by learning some differences between each other, and they realized

they could find a better way to communicate, without offense, just by being more

familiar with each other’s behavior patterns. All four Leads seemed to open their minds

up and question their own behavior. I could actually see the lights turn on above their

heads. I now intend to take more time to allow open discussion about the results of

the profiles.

As I’ve stated more than once, I hold that if you want better employees, teach them people skills.

Teach employees how they are individually different, and that it’s okay to be different. This is known

as Diversity Training in the business world. Wouldn’t it be great if educators taught our children this

kind of thing in school? Then maybe, just maybe, there would be less cruelty shown among school

children who grow up to become adults.

Once you train your employees on their differences, continue to remind and coach them regularly

until the new behaviors really take root and blossom. If you want to take it to another level, assign

one person to do the profile on another person anonymously. Do this only after everyone is familiar

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

with the profile and make it a fun learning experience. It will demonstrate that others usually see us

differently than we see ourselves.

It pays to embrace the differences in people because, from a physical standpoint, there is only

one moment in which people are truly all the same: Death. If employees can’t get along after trying

the above suggestions, then you will have to take it to the next level; and that is to determine the

cause of the issue and eliminate it. This could mean dismissing the responsible employee(s) from the

team.

DEALING WITH BEHAVIORAL ISSUES

Regardless of the type of organization, behavioral issues will come up from time to time whenever

you have people working together. These unacceptable behaviors include complaining, employee

disputes, gossiping, aggressive behavior, negativity, excuse making, snide remarks, and even sexual

harassment1 (again, see the Segment 2 Addendum for specific ways of handling most of these difficult

behaviors). The higher the quality of individuals you hire, the fewer problems you’ll have. This is why

it is so important to do your homework up front when hiring employees because you’ll save yourself

time and grief later.

Bear in mind that every minute you have to deal with poor behavior and performance issues with

an employee is one minute stolen from more productive activities. Moreover, unresolved and contin-

uing behavioral issues adversely affect the entire team.

Conceptually, dealing with these problems is rather simple. My attitude is this: I understand there

will be team member issues occasionally—this is human nature—and as long as the employee is willing

to resolve the issue, I have no problem coaching him or her to that end. However, if I have to essen-

tially fight the person to make him or her understand the gravity of the situation, or if I have to

regularly deal with this same person over and over because of his or her behavior, I will dismiss the

employee and move forward without ever looking back.

Again, it’s simple. If an employee wants to bicker or fight or be negative or be whatever, I will

endeavor to coach that person to resolution. If that person refuses to make positive changes, that’s

fine; it’s his or her choice. However, if the employee chooses not to resolve it and wants to continue

with the poor behavior, then we part company. I will not try to control the person nor convince the

employee against his or her will. I will just respectfully cut him or her loose and move forward. I

simply do not have time to invest in futile high-school-type antics that only serve to waste my time,

adversely affect the team, and to distract us from our goals.

Progressive Discipline

“Progressive discipline” is a system used to deal with under-performing or misbehaving employees.

While your company likely has its own system, Progressive discipline generally consists of four steps:

1. Verbal warning; 2. Written notification (warning); 3. Suspension; and 4. Termination. The goal of

such a system is to try to resolve employee issues in an effort to keep them on the job. It also is set

up to ensure the concept of Just Cause. Just Cause reassures everyone that you are fair and will not

dismiss anyone without a just and solid basis. It also removes the foundation of any accusations

1 Sexual harassment policies and laws can vary according to country. For this reason, a discussion of sexual harassment is beyond the scope

of this course. Please consult your company’s policies, HR department, or legal counsel for specific information.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

launched by dismissed employees who may say you dismissed them unjustifiably, although this is

generally not an issue.

By the way, a better alternative to suspension is a “decision-making day of leave.” In this case,

the employee gets a day off to decide whether he or she wants to resign or correct the behavior by

outlining a plan for improvement. Some companies even pay the employee for this day off in an effort

to show good faith. If the employee returns and resigns, a problem is solved. If the employee returns

and wants to stay on, but doesn’t have a written plan, he or she is terminated (for insubordination).

If the employee returns with a plan, then you work with the employee but also make the employee

aware that there will be no second chances.

When taking an employee through progressive discipline, make sure that you tell the employee

exactly where he or she stands. For example, make sure the employee knows which step he or she is

on, and make sure he or she knows that the fourth step means dismissal. Additionally, ensure that

you have outlined exactly what the employee needs to do in order to correct the situation. Don’t

leave him or her hanging and not knowing what you expect. After giving an employee a warning, be

sure to document the incident for your own records and to use as a memory aid if necessary.

Generally speaking, don’t implement progressive discipline with minor issues that can be corrected

with a kind word or focused coaching. Progressive discipline is set aside for more serious violations

or when the minor issues become a pattern that isn’t corrected. In other words, only use progressive

discipline for infractions that could lead to dismissal according to your company’s policies. All em-

ployees should be familiar with how your system works.

Sexual Harassment

The definition of sexual harassment according to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Com-

mission (EEOC)1 is:

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical con-

duct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment when this conduct explicitly or im-

plicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's

work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.

Sexual harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including but not limited

to the following:

 The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does

not have to be of the opposite sex.

 The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, an agent of the employer, a super-

visor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.

 The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone af-

fected by the offensive conduct.

 Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge

of the victim.

 The harasser's conduct must be unwelcome.

1 http://www.eeoc.gov/types/sexual_harassment.html.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

A fact sheet put out by the U.S. Department of Transportation defines sexual harass-

ment further1 as [sic]:

 unfulfilled threats to impose a sexual quid pro quo [getting something for

something].

 discussing sexual activities;

 telling off-color jokes;

 unnecessary touching;

 commenting on physical attributes;

 displaying sexually suggestive pictures;

 using demeaning or inappropriate terms, such as "Babe";

 using indecent gestures;

 sabotaging the victim’s work;

 engaging in hostile physical conduct;

 granting job favors to those who participate in consensual sexual activity;

 using crude and offensive language

These statements should give you a broader understanding of what might constitute sexual har-

assment so that you can safeguard your team. It is important to note that sexual harassment is not

limited to opposite sexes. It can be same sex as well. Another key point is that sexual harassment is

not behavior based on mutual attraction, friendship, and/or respect. In other words, giving a team

member a hug is not a problem. However, if that hug is excessive and includes body rubbing and

inappropriate touching, it could constitute sexual harassment. Make sure you are familiar with your

company’s sexual harassment policy.

BEHAVIORAL ISSUES AND BOUNDARIES

All behavioral issues and infractions including sexual harassment can be summed up with two

words: boundary violation. If more people would simply respect the boundaries of others, we wouldn’t

have serious relationship problems, petty squabbles, and behavioral issues—not to mention crime and

war.

Course G90: Relationships and Healthy Boundaries discussed boundaries at length, but the subject

is also directly relevant to behavioral issues. Therefore, a portion of the information from the Course

G90 is repeated here with an emphasis on unacceptable behavior.

My definition of a “boundary violation” is: Any attempt to control, change, undermine, or de-

mean another person. It is not difficult to see how behavioral issues such as yelling, gossiping, and

negativity fit this description. As a manager, you will occasionally need to address attempted bound-

ary violations on the part of employees in an appropriate manner. Before you can develop an assertive

script to handle the boundary violation, you must be able to answer these questions:

1 http://www.dotcr.ost.dot.gov/Documents/complaint/Preventing_Sexual_Harassment.htm.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

1. What specific behavioral issue (boundary violation) are you addressing?

2. How did you feel or what did you think when the attempted boundary violation occurred?

Why?

3. What outcome do you desire?

4. What are you willing to do to get what you want? You must be at least willing to speak up

for yourself.

5. When, where and how should you deliver your message? For example, addressing a behav-

ioral issue immediately may not be in everyone’s best interests if other people are present.

On the other hand, you may have little choice. At the very least, address the issue with

the employee privately and strive to do so promptly.

6. What are the risks of saying nothing? It would be absolute denial to think that employees

are unaware of behavioral issues present in someone. If you say nothing to the responsible

party, the morale on your team will suffer greatly, and if you continue to look the other

way, your team will fall apart in due time.

With these questions in mind, use the following model to formulate your response to personal or

minor boundary violations:

“When you ____, I feel ____ [because ____]. Can I ask you to [not to] ____ again in the

future?” The last question is closed-ended and intended to solicit a yes or no response. If

the answer is no, then ask an open-ended question such as, “Why not?” to encourage

further dialog.

Here are some examples:

 “When you’re late, I feel frustrated because it puts the whole team behind. Can I ask you

to be on time in the future?”

 “When you take my things without asking, I feel disrespected. Can I ask you to check with

me before you use my things in the future?”

 “When you call me names, I feel hurt, angry, and verbally abused. Can I ask you to not

call me names again in the future?”

 “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and embarrassed. Can I ask you to not yell at me again?”

For more serious issues involving policies or boundary violations, you might need to be more direct:

1. “When you ____, I feel/understand/wonder/think ____ . Can I ask why/your position on

this?” The last question is open-ended and intended to draw the person into a positive

discussion with a focus on possible resolution.

2. Stated differently, you could say, “I couldn’t help but notice/overhear ____. Can you fill

me in on the details of why?”

3. Again, a different variation that might be used when an issue is obvious and has just oc-

curred might be, “Can I ask what that was about?”

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

You will also need to determine what action(s) will be taken if the behavior continues. If the

employee is unwilling to resolve it, then you must know your next step (discussed below). Likewise,

if the behavior continues, your next step is to take the person through your steps of progressive

discipline.

Here are some examples:

 “When you don’t reply to my calls or emails in a timely fashion, I have to wonder how

serious and committed you are to this team. Can I ask your position on this?”

 “I couldn’t help but overhear you yelling at [employee name]. Can I ask why?”

 “I understand you made sexual advances toward [employee name]. Is this true?”

The above formats basically follow an action/consequence line of thinking: “If you do that, I will

do this. If you continue to do that, then I will do this.” This method is a softer and non-confrontational

approach that will often prove more effective in dealing with minor or major issues.

Understand that these are examples; you are free to fine tune them to your style, but don’t change

their essence. Also understand that your voice tone should be calm and deliberate when using these

examples and your body language should be open.

16 POWERFUL ASSERTIVE CONFRONTATION AND DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES FOR LEADERS

In the Addendum for this segment, I discuss methods for handling specific unacceptable behaviors.

These methods are based on 16 techniques and principles that come from my own experience and

research in dealing with assertive conflict resolution and discipline. These principles also have appli-

cations outside of discipline or confrontation. The 16 techniques below include new information as

well as summarize some of the things we discussed in previous segments. This section should serve

as a reference guide to use when you have to deal with unacceptable behavior.

1. RESPOND, DON’T REACT (DON’T CATCH THE BALL)

Is there a difference between “responding” and “reacting?” Yes, “responding” is a rational or

logical approach, and “reacting” is an emotional approach.

I often illustrate the difference between responding and reacting in my seminars by playing

catch with a very soft, sponge-like ball (see video in Course G90: Relationships and Healthy Bound-

aries). When someone is angry or yells at us, or when an employee does something you’ve told

them not to do and a mistake results, we often “catch the ball” by taking ownership of it. We will

then often “react” by figuratively hurling the ball back at them.

But the real question is, barring any physical harm, do you ever have to “catch the ball?” No,

you don’t. When something comes at you out of the blue, take control of your natural instincts

and don’t catch it. Take your power back. Don’t catch the ball. Why not catch the ball? Simple,

because you don’t have to!

This doesn’t mean that you won’t deal with the situation; it just means that you won’t react to

it. You can then handle the situation on your own terms and at the most appropriate time. Establish

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

self-control before hand by not allowing the other person to determine how you will behave. Re-

spond logically and without emotion. Calmly control yourself, endeavor to manage the situation,

and positively influence the other person.

As you do, maintain appropriate direct eye contact. Also do not discuss matters when either

you or the other person is emotionally charged (angry or crying). Allow for a cool down period if

necessary.

Don’t get caught up in who is right or who is to blame. It is not about who is right; it is not

about who is to blame. It is about resolution of the issue. Be willing to yield if appropriate. If it is

a matter of preference, then yield. If it is a matter of principle, policy, or law, then stand firm.

We all have a limited amount of emotional resources available at any given time. Be extremely

choosy as to whom and what will get your precious energy. Most matters including difficult people

are simply not worth the energy expenditure.

Many leaders allow their employees to vent frustrations in a healthy way. Remember, your

employees will vent to someone! Make that person you! Make it safe.

2. DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL OR CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON

Can you control other people? No! Can you change others? No! You cannot control or change

another person (it’s hard enough to change ourselves); furthermore, it is immoral to try. Can you

have a positive influence or impact on others? Yes, you can.

A sure-fire recipe for disaster in any relationship is one person trying to change or control the

other. Listen carefully: If you are at this time subtly or not so subtly trying to change someone

close to you into a better, more improved version of themselves, it is not a question of “if,” but a

question of “when” your relationship will fail.

If you approach your leadership from the standpoint that you can control or change others, you

will fail. You don’t like it when someone tries to change or control you, so don’t do it to others.

It is that simple.

Case Study: Lonnie is a good employee and is always on time for work. However,

one day, he is late. I don’t even say anything. The second day, Lonnie is late again.

So I say, “Hey Lonnie, I couldn’t help but notice you have been late the past couple

of days. Is everything okay?” He says that it was traffic problems. So I tell him no

problem and drop it.

On the third day, Lonnie is late again. I ask him about it, and he gives me some

mundane reason why he was late. I suspect that he is giving me an excuse, but have

no choice other than to take his word for it at this point. So I say, “I understand.

Lonnie, let me reiterate how important it is that you get to work on time. I depend

on you and need you here. Can I count on you being on time from now on?” He says

yes. I continue, “I appreciate that and I appreciate the good work you do for the

team. Thanks.”

On the fourth day, Lonnie is late again. I work with Lonnie, trying to coach him into

improvement, but he doesn’t respond and continues to be late. Something is up

with him, but he won’t talk about it, which is his prerogative. I am left with no

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

choice but to take him through the steps of progressive discipline (verbal warning,

written warning, decision-making day of leave, termination). I ultimately have to

let Lonnie go.

So, did I control Lonnie? No. Did I change Lonnie? No. Was I trying to have a positive impact on

Lonnie? Yes. Does Lonnie have to arrive to work on time? NO! Why? Lonnie is an adult, he lives in

a free country, and he has the human right of Free Will to arrive whenever he wants to. However,

if he wants to be on my team, he has to arrive to work on time.

Do you see the difference? When you try to “make” people do things, it invariably fails. You

simply cannot “make” people do anything, but you can strive to be a positive influence.

Most people try to control other people, even in little ways. Have you ever said something like:

“Are you sure you should eat that piece of cake, Honey?” If you want the freedom to be who you

are, you must allow others the same freedom.

When it comes to employees, you have to hold them to accountability, of course. However, you

are only asking them to honor a commitment that they made, such as the commitment to arrive

to work on time as in Lonnie’s example.

Release your need to control or change other people. Once you do, you will feel far less stress

and people will want to follow your leadership.

3. EMPATHIZE WITH THE HUMAN CONDITION [DON’T BE A BREAKER OF SPIRITS]

I know something about you that you don’t know that I know. Intrigued? I know that sometimes

you feel up, and sometimes you feel down. I know that sometimes you think things just can’t go

wrong; other times, you feel they just won’t go right. I know that sometimes you feel confident

and self-assured; and sometimes you feel scared and all alone. Sometimes you feel excited and

ecstatic; other times, with a tear streaming down your cheek, you feel cut to the heart over some

matter and you don’t know what to do.

Am I right? Of course. How do I know this? Because we’re all human. There are things that drive

your behavior, such as past triumphs and defeats. There is a reason why you behave as you do.

This is true of every one of us.

Generally speaking, everyone is doing the best that they can with the knowledge and experience

they have at the moment. Armed with this understanding, leaders empathize and/or sympathize

with the plight of others. Therefore, they care enough to resolve the situation always keeping in

mind that a primary function of a leader is to succeed by helping employees succeed. Leaders

remain “Gentle-But-Firm,” while maintaining a healthy respect for the human condition.

Be careful that you don’t inadvertently “break their spirit” with a harsh, unkind approach in-

cluding your words.

4. HOLD PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN HIGH REGARD

We must all accept personal responsibility for our own behavior, actions, and mistakes. Personal

Responsibility is the foundation cornerstone of dealing effectively with difficult people. Therefore,

we must also require employees to take personal responsibility for their behavior, actions, and

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

mistakes. An old management principle states: “What management permits, management con-

dones.” This means that we give our blessing to the things that we allow. In other words, we

enable and become an unwitting party to any unacceptable behavior that an employee might ex-

hibit as long as we allow it to continue.

I’ve already shared my Now or Later Rule with you a couple of times in this and other courses.

This principle cost me over $100,000 to learn, as well as immeasurable personal pain. Here is my

“Now or Later Rule again: “If you have a problem, you have a choice: You can either take care of

the problem now, or suffer longer and STILL take care of the problem later. But either way, you

WILL take care of it eventually or die from the pain (depending on the problem).”

This rule means that we must handle unacceptable behavior promptly. Promptly does not nec-

essarily mean instantly. It means at the soonest appropriate time. You may want to allow a cool

down period for the employee as well as some time to collect your own thoughts and decide on an

appropriate response.

If you are someone who avoids confrontation, you are not alone. But as a manager, you also

know that it is your responsibility to deal with difficult employees. One mindset that helped me

deal to effectively and promptly with difficult employees is to understand the reality behind any

inaction. When you do not handle a difficult employee because you don’t want the confrontation,

you are actually denying that person his or her human rights. How so? Because you are preventing

him or her from learning a life-lesson that they are morally entitled to learn by virtue of their

humanity. Never prevent others from learning life-lessons that is their right to learn. If the em-

ployee accepts your coaching, then great. If they don’t, then at the very least, you have not

deprived them of their opportunity to learn. Opportunities will continue to present themselves

until the employee does learn the lesson or until you dismiss him or her from the team.

5. USE WIN-WIN WORDS, VOICE TONE, AND BODY LANGUAGE

An English proverb says, “Use soft words and hard arguments.” This is assertiveness at its best.

Assertive leaders don’t say things in such a way that it puts another person on the defensive.

Assertive people may get frustrated; they may get angry. The difference between assertiveness

and aggressiveness is that assertive people may think it, they may feel it, but then they put it

through their “Nice Filter” and say it. Aggressive people just blurt it out without considering its

impact.

Body language is also important here and includes the following:

 Don’t invade another person’s personal space. Keep your distance at arm’s length;

 Don’t cross your arms; leave them at your sides, or in an “at-ease” position behind

your back;

 Match the other person’s eye level, e.g., if he/she is sitting, then you sit; if stand-

ing, then you stand;

 Watch facial expressions, e.g., don’t roll your eyes.

Make sure that your body language, voice tone, and words are congruent (in harmony), so you

don’t inadvertently send conflicting messages. Make sure the manner in which you frame your

words is Win-Win.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

6. BREAK THROUGH THE BARRIERS

In coaching a difficult employee, always endeavor to answer the “why?” question. Why are

they acting this way? What is the payoff they hope to gain by behaving in this way? Is their behavior

unusual for them? If so, break through the barriers to understand and resolve. As you do, keep

the following in mind:

 Endeavor to speak to his or her communication style. Learn the different communication

and behavioral styles of your team (see the IMHS Behavioral Profile in Course G140: Met-

aphysical Psychology). When coaching a difficult person, knowing his or her dominant style

will help you to know how to approach that person. For example, if the person is analytical

in nature, he or she may be rather reserved and quiet. You will need to give this type of

person time to process what you are saying. Be patient.

 Look beyond the face you see; search to identify any “positive intent” behind an angry

person’s outburst or mistake. This is an effective means of de-escalating a tense situa-

tion. For example, Hank, who has a temper, is upset and yelling at you about how another

team member is not doing what he needs so he can perform his job. Ask yourself, “What

is Hank really upset about?” He is upset because he wants to do a good job, but is not

getting the cooperation that he needs to do so. You could say, “Hank, I know you are

frustrated because you are not getting the cooperation you need to do your work. Let’s

see what we can do to get you the help you need.” You have not reacted to his outburst

and you have also identified what is fueling his frustration. This kind of looking-beyond-

the-face-you-see response to identify positive intent can help Hank to calm down and

move him into handling future situations properly.

 Really listen objectively and patiently to understand what he or she is truly saying,

and/or NOT saying. Use your powers of discernment to get a deeper understanding of the

behavior and situation. Listen.

 Remember, “Empathy absorbs tension.” This expression comes from the book, Verbal

Judo by Dr. George Thompson,1 a highly recommended book on effective communication

and gentle persuasion. By respecting the human condition and remaining empathetic, you

can remove the barriers that can come between them and you.

7. USE THE ART OF DEDUCTIVE QUESTIONING

“Deductive” means a conclusion forced by reason. Deductive Questions are short, pointed,

probing, and logical questions asked in a thoughtful and deliberate manner designed to draw the

employee out.

The idea behind Deductive Questions is to involve the person in resolving the situation by asking

questions—not by stating demands. The person who asks the questions is in control of the conver-

sation. By asking logical questions, you can figuratively “paint them into a corner” (logically speak-

ing) so that the employee is forced by reason to see your reasonable and rational conclusion. One

useful technique in this regard is to ask logical questions that result in “yes” answers. By so doing,

1 www.verbaljudo.com

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

you establish a logical foundation upon which to build your argument. If done properly, the em-

ployee will not be able to refute your argument. Also, don’t be shy about asking difficult questions

assertively and tactfully.

Getting the employee’s input is based on the concept of human nature that “If you say it, then

it’s suspect. If they say it, then it’s true.” For example, if the employee brings you an idea that

you know will cost money to implement and you just blurt out, “We don’t have the money for

that!” it can appear to the employee that you are not interested in his or her idea or are just

blowing them off. If you use the Art of Deductive Questioning, you could handle it differently, for

example:

Employee: “I have an idea that could help us become more efficient in…” [the employee

then explains the idea]

You: “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. Let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment.

To implement your idea, it will require some money. Where will we get the money from?”

Employee: “We could take it from the budget.”

You: “And if we don’t have any money in the budget, then where would we get it?”

Employee: “Are you saying that we don’t have the money?”

You: “I’m afraid not at this time. But we’ll hold on to your idea and perhaps we can im-

plement it down the road a bit. I really appreciate you giving some thought to this and I

hope you will continue. You’ve had some great ideas so far, and I’m all for implementing

any idea that we can to help things run better. Thanks again.” [Of course, you could also

explore other solutions if appropriate.]

By using questions, you honor the person by requesting his or her input. Another way of asking

for input might be, “If you were me, what would you do to resolve this?”

Another technique is the “Broken Record.” This simply means that after you have gotten the

employee’s agreement with your line of reasoning, you bring the conversation around by repeating

your original request.

Effective leaders and coaches don’t settle for a “band-aid” resolution. They endeavor to get to

the core of the issue by asking “Why?” repeatedly in various forms until true resolution is obtained.

8. ALWAYS SHUT UP AFTER ASKING A QUESTION

One of the greatest shows of honor and respect is to shut up while another person is talking.

Therefore, do not chronically interrupt people nor finish their sentences for them. This helps you

to maintain control of a potentially difficult situation and it lets the other person express him or

herself.

Even if the person appears to clam up, use the power of silence—always wait for the person to

speak before you speak. If the person doesn’t respond, wait at least 15 seconds and then repeat

the question. Also remember that analytical type people require mental “processing” time in order

to give you a thoughtful answer. They can appear to clam up, but in reality, they are just thinking

about an answer.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

Remember to reframe and repeat their words back to ensure a correct understanding if neces-

sary.

Handling interruptions from the employee: If the employee constantly interrupts you while you

are speaking, simply stop speaking and listen. Once he or she has finished, simply say, “Now as I

was saying…” and then continue where you left off ignoring what he or she just said. Some people

use interruptions as a way to confuse, distract, and dodge what you are saying, which is a control

tactic. I always let the employee interrupt me two times and each time I will redirect him or her

back to what I was saying. If they interrupt me a third time, I will interrupt them and ask them to

hear me out. For example, if the employee interrupts you a third time, you could say, “Excuse

me… excuse me…” this will usually stop them. Then say, “It’s my turn to speak. I’ve honored you

by patiently listening to you. Now can I ask for the same honor in return?” Then shut up. Once they

agree, continue, “Okay, as I was saying…”

9. TAKE THE PERSON AT FACE VALUE (HIS/HER WORD) UNTIL HE/SHE GIVES YOU A REASON NOT

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to, providing

the situation warrants it. An old adage comes to mind in this case: “Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.” For example, if an employee gives me a reason for something and

he or she has never lied to me before, I’ll believe them provided the facts do not indicate other-

wise. In other words, in a situation that boils down to someone’s word, I will give him or her the

benefit of the doubt as long as they do not have a history of lying.

 Using the Example of Lonnie from Technique 2 above: Lonnie has always been

on time to work, but is late two days in a row. As mentioned above, the first time,

I don’t say anything—stuff happens. The second time, I might say: “Hey Lonnie, I

couldn’t help but notice you’ve been late the last couple of days… is everything

okay?” Lonnie tells me that traffic was the problem. Since I have no reason to doubt

him, I take him at his word.

The third time, Lonnie is late again. When I inquire he tells me that “his alarm

clock didn’t go off.” Now, I realize that this could be true, but it sounds fishy. In

this case I might say, “Lonnie, that almost sounds like an excuse. Is it?” Notice that

I called him on it indirectly, but softened my words. From this point forward, Lon-

nie has stretched his credibility and will have to regain it over time by being truth-

ful. By calling him on it, I get the issues out on the table so they can be resolved.

Give people the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to, provided the situation

doesn’t argue otherwise.

10. HAVE AN OBJECTIVE; KNOW THE TWO POSSIBLE DIRECTIONS DISCIPLINE CAN GO

The objective of any confrontation is to resolve it in a win-win manner. Therefore, you must

strive to logically and verbally move the employee forward toward resolution, which can go two

primary ways:

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

1. THE EMPLOYEE IS WILLING TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION: If so, then resolve the situation.

That means you train, coach, and work with the employee to help him or her to get back on

track. A willing attitude is worth its weight in gold.

2. THE EMPLOYEE IS UNWILLING TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION: If so, then manage him/her

out of the company with “Just Cause.”

• “Managing them out” means to do the right thing, i.e., follow your policy for dismiss-

ing employees.

• Fall back on your policies and the employee’s Job Description so that you act with

“Just Cause.”

• It is entirely possible for an employee's actions to belie his/her words. They may say

they are willing, but refuse to make reasonable and measurable progress.

This may sound like a harsh approach, but it really isn’t. Remember, you cannot control another

person and you shouldn’t try. We all must accept personal responsibility for our actions and a

difficult or underperforming employee is no exception. Employees have the human right of Free

Will to do whatever they choose. If what they choose is against the company’s policies and they

refuse to change, then they

must be managed out with

Just Cause to protect the in-

tegrity of the team’s stand-

ards as well as to be fair to

those employees who are

doing what is asked.

Use the Employee Ac-

countability Flow Chart to

visualize the accountability

process. Discipline is con-

ceptually quite simple; ei-

ther the employee is willing

to work it out or he or she

isn’t. If the employee is not

willing to resolve the issue,

manage him or her out. Just

make sure the problem is

not with you as the manager.

11. WHEN DEALING WITH UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, REMEMBER THESE TWO RULES:

1. Call him or her on it assertively—do not let it go.

2. Put the “Burden of Proof” back on him or her by using the Art of Deductive Questioning (see

Technique number 7). This means that you always “put the ball back in their court” by asking

deductive questions.

• Help him or her see things from your perspective with deductive questions.

Yes

1. Expectations are found in your policy man- ual and the employee’s job description.

2. The employee saying he/she is willing to re- solve the matter but not making progress is equivalent to “not willing.”

3. “Manage Out” means to do the right thing; take him/her through your progressive steps of discipline and then replace him/her with someone who is willing.

Employee Accountability Flow Chart

The Manager is the Problem

Yes Is the Employee Meeting

Standards/Expectations? 1

Coach and/or Train

the Employee

Manage the Employee Out

With Just Cause 3

Is the Employee Willing to

Resolve the Matter? 2

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

• Allow him or her to self-correct and save face if possible. Leaders strive to employ the

skillful use of questions that allows employees to save face and self-correct.

A manager must not let difficult and/or underperforming behavior continue unaddressed or it

will not stop. It is that simple. By allowing difficult employees to in effect “rule the roost,” a

manager’s authority is undermined and he or she loses respect and trust from everyone else.

12. GET A COMMITMENT TO RESOLVE (NEVER FAIL TO GAIN COMMITMENT)

A crucial part of resolving conflicts is to gain commitment, that is, hold the employee to ac-

countability. “Paint the difficult person into a corner” (logically speaking) with the use of Deduc-

tive Questions and gaining commitment. The discussion is not over until a commitment is gained,

one way or the other (yes or no). Following are some softened ways to gain commitment:

• Ask, “Can I count on you to…”

• Ask, “Is there any way we can resolve this today?”

• If he or she says, “I’ll try,” then you say, “I appreciate your willingness to try; how-

ever, what I really need is a firm commitment. Can I get that from you?” When someone

says, “I’ll try,” they are not committing, they are seeking an out.

• If his or her commitment is less than sincere, continue probing until all issues are

resolved by saying, “You don’t seem to be completely satisfied with this outcome. Am

I reading you correctly?”

• Continue probing to gain “Buy-In” if possible.

13. FOLLOW UP

After a reasonable and appropriate time has passed, check in with the employee as necessary

to confirm progress and/or to see if any other issues need to be discussed. The idea is to ensure

that the matter has been resolved. Sometimes, the difficult employee may indicate that he or

she will change only to continue harboring the same attitude that caused the unacceptable be-

havior in the first place. Remember, “A person convinced against his or her will is of the same

opinion still.” Not following up can lead to escalated problems from issues simmering just beneath

the surface.

14. KNOW YOUR COMPANY’S POLICIES, PROTOCOLS, AND SHARED VALUES

Know and use your company’s steps for progressive discipline (discussed above). To protect

the integrity of you, your organization, and the employee, always approach discipline with a “Just

Cause” mindset. Always back up your discipline with established policies in which the employee

has read and signed off. By so doing, you show fairness and also give the employee a reasonable

opportunity to comply.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

15. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

In the previous segment, an easy method for making your documenting tasks simple was dis-

cussed: “We met…; We discussed…; We agreed.” Remember to document both good and poor

behavior/performance in non-emotional terms; state only facts. Do not use “value-judgments”

such as, “Lonnie is too lazy to come to work on time.” Remember, “If it’s not written down, it

didn’t happen.” Documenting employee behavior is a good way to remember events especially if

the difficult behavior follows a pattern that erupts infrequently over time.

16. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Would you like to be able to think on your feet better? Then practice, practice, practice! Re-

hearse what you will say, and how you will say it before administering discipline or performing

coaching. Do this by role-playing what you will say in private. Actually say what you want to say

out loud, and try different variations regarding word choice and voice tone. If you simply think it

over mentally without practicing it out loud, it won’t come out right when you are in the moment.

If you feel you could have handled an incident better, rerun the incident in your mind several

times while you role-play and replace the incorrect actual version with an improved new version

based on the foregoing techniques.

Verbally role-play your side of the incident privately until it becomes a natural part of who you

are. Assertiveness is not a hat you wear; it is not a coat you put on. It comes from who you are.

Make assertiveness a part of you.

DISMISSING EMPLOYEES

Occasionally you will be faced with the prospect of letting an employee go. This is not usually an

easy task, but sometimes it needs to be done. There is any one of a number of reasons why you may

choose to dismiss someone as determined by your company’s policies.

Some of the typical reasons why employees might be dismissed include (but are not limited to):

1. Criminal activity;

2. Alcohol or drug abuse, on or off duty;

3. Threatening another employee or customer;

4. Sexual harassment, or harassment of any kind;

5. Lying;

6. Bringing firearms to work (if firearms are not required for the job);

7. Sharing or divulging confidential or proprietary company information or trade secrets;

8. Lack of dependability/reliability, e.g., not showing up for work;

9. Misrepresenting the company, e.g., poor public conduct with notoriety (such as in the me-

dia);

10. Failing to follow the company’s policies;

11. Failing to meet expectations as outlined in the Job Description;

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

12. Not contributing to the team in a meaningful way or failing to carry their own weight (con-

sistently taking more than they give);

13. Not being a team player, i.e., complaining, criticizing things or others, making decisions

without authority, being negative, competitive, combative, high maintenance, etc.;

These items above have evolved over time and exist for a specific reason. You will need to deter-

mine your own specific reasons, even adding to the list if necessary. Several of the items on the list

above represent immediately actionable events for most companies, meaning, the employee will be

dismissed immediately without going through the process of progressive discipline.

When dismissing an employee, do so for a specific and objective reason(s) supported by company

policy. You cannot dismiss an employee for a “bad attitude” because it is too subjective. Fortunately,

“bad attitudes” usually manifest into policy violations for which you can discipline or dismiss.

If an employee violates company policies or his or her job description, you will need to talk with

him or her in an effort to resolve it using your steps of progressive discipline. If the employee contin-

ues to violate company policies, you will need to dismiss him or her from the team.

As stated several times, my personal motto for dealing with people is to give them the benefit of

the doubt until there is a reason not to. Therefore, I will work with people provided that they have

a willing and solution-oriented attitude. If they become excessively defensive and unwilling to resolve

the issue, I part company.

When to Dismiss an Employee

Many managers don’t dismiss employees when they should for a variety of reasons, one of the

biggest being that firing someone is not easy for most managers. Another reason is that the manager

isn’t always sure if the employee should be dismissed. However, knowing when it’s time to dismiss

an employee is conceptually rather simple. If the violation doesn’t warrant immediate dismissal, use

the Two Most Important Relationship Questions to determine if the relationship is over (see the

worksheet in the Segment 1 section on the course page). To reiterate, any time an employee subtracts

more from the relationship (or team) than he or she adds and is not willing to change, the relationship

is over; it’s time to dismiss him or her. The key phrase is, “not willing to change.”

To put it another way, if the employee is simply beginning to fail, coach him or her in an effort to

help. If the employee responds favorably to your efforts, all is saved. If the employee does not re-

spond favorably, then after an honest and fair effort by you to help, you let the employee go.

For immediately actionable violations, the decision to dismiss has already been made by virtue of

your policies. Do not violate your own policies by failing to dismiss a violating employee or you will

send the wrong message to your team, i.e., that “it’s okay to violate the company’s policies because

you probably won’t get dismissed anyway.”

Once you have decided to dismiss an employee, act promptly. Promptly means at the soonest

appropriate time. If you continue to hold on to someone who is either underperforming or otherwise

causing problems, your team’s morale will suffer; attitudes will begin to take a negative turn. In

essence, an ignored problem in one employee quickly replicates itself into many problems in many

employees. If you allow negativity to take root, you will very likely end up cleaning house and starting

over again, and if so, hopefully you will be much wiser and willing to act decisively when necessary.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

How to Dismiss an Employee

The precise manner in which you actually dismiss an employee will vary according to the situation,

the violations involved, and your company policies. Sometimes, the situation can resolve itself by the

employee simply quitting. However, you will usually need to let the employee know he or she has

been terminated. Please note that you have already done everything you could to coach, train, or

help the employee, but without success. Therefore, the only option at this point is to dismiss.

Please consult with your HR department for your company’s specific firing protocols. If you do not

have an HR department, then following are a couple of variations to give you a starting point. Feel

free to modify or adjust them according to your style and the situation.

Progressive Discipline Dismissals. You’ve taken the employee through your steps of progressive

discipline but without success. The vocal delivery for this model should generally be warm and

kind. Here’s what you might say:

[Employee Name], we’ve been working on [issue] for awhile now and I just don’t see

any real improvement. I’m afraid that the time has come to part ways. I do want you

to know that I truly appreciate your contributions in the past and wish you my very

best for the future.

Dismissals for Immediately Actionable Events. These are events that require a prompt dismissal

according to your policies. These are not violations that can be handled with progressive discipline.

The vocal delivery for this model should generally be calm but direct. Here’s what you might say:

[Employee Name], I’m calling/contacting you regarding the [recent incident]. As you

know, company policy requires that employment be revoked in such situations, and

this is what I’m doing, effective immediately. I thank you for your service to the com-

pany and wish you my best for the future.

Again, the above examples are strictly templates to get you started. Use your own good judgment

as to what you will say specifically. For example, if the employee didn’t really contribute to the team

in a meaningful way, then you wouldn’t necessarily say that you appreciate his or her contributions

or service to the team.

Another consideration is that the employee might possess team property that needs to be returned.

Depending on the gravity of the situation, you may want to get the property back before you dismiss

the employee.

Is it better to dismiss the employee in person, on the phone, or by email? It depends on the situa-

tion but you will usually do so in person if at all possible. Use your own good judgment.

When dismissing the employee, keep the conversation brief and to the point. Do not argue, vent,

or allow the person to suck you into an argument or detailed discussion (which they will often do).

This is the secret of delivering an effective and non-negotiable notice of dismissal (or presenting any

other kind of non-negotiable decision). But what about explanations? As the old saying goes, “Expla-

nations rarely explain.” If you’ve done your job by coaching and training the employee without suc-

cess, that is explanation enough. Furthermore, the employee already knows the process because

they’ve read and signed off on the company’s policies and their job description; therefore, no further

explanation is generally necessary or advised. Similar to delivering an application rejection, less is

more. Consult your HR department for further information and to avoid any potential legal issues.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

What do you say if the employee tries to engage you in a lengthy conversation or argument? Simple:

let him or her finish their sentence ignoring whatever they just said and say:

[Employee name], I’m afraid there is nothing further to discuss. You already knew

where this would go. The decision is made. I wish you my best. [Then shut up and just

look at him or her]

Notice the short, clipped sentences in the example above. This is what I call the “Brick Wall”

response. Whatever the person says bounces off of you like a stone thrown at a brick wall. You then

simply repeat the decision without emotion and conclude the conversation. If the person continues

to try to argue, you simply say, “I wish you my best.” Then shut up and just look at him or her until

they leave. If on the phone, say goodbye and hang up.

Once you have dismissed your employee, there are a few additional things to take care of imme-

diately:

 Retrieve any equipment or items belonging to the company still in the person’s possession;

 Take the person off your website (if applicable);

 Delete the former employee’s email address (if applicable);

 Remove access to private areas of the company’s website (if applicable);

 Any other areas that require attention.

You will also need to inform your other employees of the person’s dismissal. The best way to do

this is to just let them know that “so-and-so is no longer an employee. We wish him/her the best.”

It doesn’t serve anyone’s interest to put energy into gossiping or talking badly of the former employee

plus you will avoid potential legal issues such as accusations of slander by the former employee if

they should hear what was said.

THE PUBLIC SECTOR AND UNIONS

I will not mince words when I say that if you are a manager in the public sector (state, local, or

federal government) or are subject to a collective bargaining agreement from a union, your job of

dealing with difficult employees can be drastically more complicated. Sometimes, it can literally take

years to dismiss an employee who desperately needs to go. This scenario has happened many times

and can lead to frustration for the manager and serious morale problems for the team.

I sincerely wish I had the magic bullet to fix this type of situation, but, alas, I don’t, nor do I know

of anyone who does as the problem lies within the culture of the public sector and unions, which is

obviously beyond your control. I do believe that if you employ the assertive leadership techniques in

this course as well as show honor and respect to your employees, you will greatly minimize potential

problems. Many of the negative stories I’ve heard from my seminar attendees and students have

happened as a result of incompetent management and leadership—regardless of whether it was in

the private or public sector, or a union environment.

If you find yourself in such a situation, you have three choices (the 3 L’s): 1. Live with it; 2. Lobby

for change; or 3. Leave. The only advice I can offer—for whatever it is worth—is to do the best you

can with what you have to work with.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

This segment contains a wealth (and perhaps overwhelming) amount of information designed to

enhance your communication skills, especially in dealing with difficult people. I recommend reading

it several times and working on applicable points one at a time until you have them mastered. You

should also use this segment along with the Segment 2 Addendum a reference when and if dealing

with difficult employees.