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Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 2 Addendum

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know About:

 Disputes between members.

 Coaching gossips.

 Coaching complainers.

 Coaching passive-aggressive remarks (snipers).

 Coaching bullies and aggressive members.

 Coaching excuse-makers.

 Coaching negative members.

 Coaching former coworkers who you now manage.

 Coaching older-than-you employees.

he following techniques cover several common forms of unacceptable behavior. Use them as

a guide for dealing with employee behavioral issues. You may rarely or never encounter all

of these traits; but they also illustrate principles that can be used with other difficult behav-

iors not addressed here.

Remember, these are just examples. Glean the principles from each example so you can get a feel

for the overall approach. These examples are based the 16 Powerful Assertive Confrontation and

Discipline Techniques for Leaders discussed in the Segment 2 study material.

DISPUTES BETWEEN EMPLOYEES

Occasionally, two or more employees may fight over some matter, and hopefully, they are mature

enough to work it out. If not, you may have to get involved, but be careful; disputes between em-

ployees ideally should be handled by them alone. They are adults and should handle their own issues.

However, if you do have to get involved, use discretion about taking sides. Also be careful that one

of the employees doesn’t try to play both sides against the middle by manipulating the situation so

that it appears the argument is between you and the other employees. Encourage both employees to

work things out to a happy end. It is, in fact, their responsibility to do so. If one employees is clearly

in the wrong and is not willing to resolve the matter, dismiss him or her if it is justified by policy.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

COACHING GOSSIPS

I suppose that gossiping is one of those negative aspects of human nature that may take centuries

to weed out of the species completely—if it can be done at all. To gain perspective, there is not a

human being alive who has not engaged in gossip at some point in their lives. However, some people

seem to have a real knack for it.

While gossiping may fulfill the unhealthy human desire for secrets and exclusivity, the downside

is that gossip hurts and demeans others, including the one doing the gossiping. It is a form of nega-

tivity that sucks the life and energy out of a team as well. If not dealt with and curtailed promptly,

gossip can grow into malicious backbiting that can result in a hostile team environment. Leaders must

deal with gossips in a manner that not only develops the person, but stops the negativity. Following

are some steps to take:

 Include a prohibition on gossip in your policies.

 If you have a particular employee who engages in gossip, coach that person during your

regular coaching and feedback sessions. This is a form of preventive maintenance.

 If you happen to hear gossip first hand, ask the gossip, “Can I quote you on that to the

person you are talking about?” The member will undoubtedly say, “No!” You then say,

“Then I wonder if you will help me. I know that if this was about you or me, neither one of

us would like it. Can I ask you to help by not spreading it?” The person may say, “Oh, I was

just telling you!” You are probably thinking, “Yeah right!” but say, “Good. Then I can count

on you to keep it private?” The person will probably agree.

 If gossip is rampant on your team, you need to get your team together and say the follow-

ing:

“Guys & Gals, we have a challenge that I’d like to get your help with. It seems

that gossip and rumors are floating around, and they are sucking the life out of us

as a team. Now, if the gossip is about you, I’m sure you are not real happy about

it. And if it’s not about you, then wait a week; it will be.

“Here is what I’m asking—and I will need everyone’s verbal commitment on this:

If it is not positive; if it is not up building; if it is not encouraging; and if you cannot

take it back to the person and tell them to their face, then don’t spread it.”

[Looking at each team member individually and ask each one,] “Can I get your

commitment?”

[Wait for a “yes.” Then go to the next team member and ask for their commit-

ment; then the next, and so on until everyone has given their verbal commitment.

Afterward, thank the group for their help in overturning the tide of gossip.]

COACHING COMPLAINERS

Occasionally, we all face chronic complainers and whiners. The kind of complainer I’m describing

is not the employee who comes to you with a legitimate complaint seeking a proactive solution. I’m

talking about employees who complain just to complain. Sometimes, these employees complain about

things even you don’t like, but are beyond your control.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

The best way to deal with a complainer is to ask him or her for potential solutions. Here is a two-

step technique I learned along the way to deal with complainers that serves two purposes: 1. Gets

them to stop complaining, and 2. Develops them. Notice that I use the “broken record” technique as

well as my own technique on calling them on it and then putting the ball back in their court with the

use of questions.

Again, the following steps and techniques are used only for a chronic complainer with a history of

complaining. It is also important to note that complainers rarely have solutions, and they often com-

plain about things which are difficult, if not impossible, to resolve easily.

STEP 1

After hearing the complaint, you simply say, “I can see this is important to you, so here is what I

would like… I’d like three potential solutions by the end of the day. Okay?”

Now, many of these complainers will then “complain” about your request. Following are some

typical responses and how you might handle them.

Complainer: “But it’s your job to come up with solutions!”

You: “You are absolutely correct. However, it is also my job to get input from you. That’s

why I’d like three potential solutions on my desk by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “That’s okay, it’s not that important. Never mind.”

You: “It was obviously important enough for you to bring it to me, so I’d still like three

potential solutions by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “I don’t have time… I have other things to do.”

You: “I know your time is valuable, but I also know this is important to you. That’s why I

still like three potential solutions by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “No, I’m not going to do it.”

You: “No? [Pause for any response] Do you realize this is tantamount to insubordination,

and I’ve gotta’ ask, are you sure you want to walk down that path?” (You’re giving him or

her a way to self-correct and save face. If they agree, then go to Step 2. If they don’t

agree, then proceed).

Complainer: “No, I’m not doing it.”

You: “All right. I’ll be in touch.” (Then you write him or her up, or take whatever action is

next. This stance is based on my technique number 10 of always knowing where to go with

discipline. Either the employee is willing to resolve it or not. If he or she is willing, then

resolve it. If not, then manage him or her out with Just Cause).

STEP 2

Three possible scenarios exist for Step 2.

SCENARIO 1: The employee gets back to you in the designated time frame, but has no

solutions (I expect this). After hearing this, say:

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

“I understand. Do you see how difficult it can be to come up with solutions to tough

problems especially when they are beyond our control? In the future, if you have a

complaint, I am here to listen. However along with that complaint, I need at least

one potential solution. Can I count on that from now on?”

SCENARIO 2: The member has solutions, but the solutions are either wacky or just won’t

work. After hearing their first potential solution, say:

“All right, let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment.” Then you do just that,

asking him or her questions that lead them to the conclusion that it won’t work out.

Important: make sure that you have an open mind and are not just pooh-poohing their

idea. After hearing their potential solution(s), then say the following:

“Do you see how difficult it can be to come up with solutions to tough problems

especially when they are beyond our control? In the future, if you have a complaint,

I am here to listen. However along with that complaint, I need at least one potential

solution. Can I count on that from now on?”

SCENARIO 3: The member has a solution that will work. After hearing their solution, say:

“Good idea! I don’t see any reason why we can’t implement it right away. By the

way, in the future, if you have a complaint, I am here to listen. However along with

that complaint, I need at least one potential solution. Can I get that from now on?”

COACHING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE REMARKS (SNIPERS)

“I was proud of myself for losing some weight after my pregnancy recently,” Julie told my seminar

group, “and so I went out and bought a new dress as a reward to myself. The next day, I proudly wore

my new dress to work and when I arrived, Lynn, my subordinate said, ‘Hey, nice dress… it doesn’t

make you look fat at all.’ With one careless comment, the good feelings I had about myself evapo-

rated.”

Most of us have our own stories about others heartlessly making comments or jokes at our expense,

or giving us backhanded compliments. There is no question that some people are masters at belittling

others with words. People like this are passive-aggressive in nature, and are often referred to as

“snipers” because they take pot-shots at others from an “undisclosed location,” so to speak. They

are bullies who hide behind a pretense as they strike out. Snipers are also master manipulators in

that they try to manipulate others with ambiguous words.

As in Julie’s case, these remarks can hit us like a bomb dropped out of the blue. These disparaging

remarks are designed to hit us where it counts. Snipers have an almost psychic ability to push buttons,

and when they do, it can rip into our spirit and tender sensitivities. Snipers endeavor to make others

feel bad about themselves, which is one of the cruelest of human behaviors. A belittling remark is

not merely an insult; it is an act of treachery that slashes the spirit and saddens the soul. And the

damage is not just with the victim, for the remarks of a belittler are the reflections of a poisoned

soul.

Sometimes, these attacks are simply thoughtless remarks—we all put our foot in our mouth on

occasion. This section is not aimed at people who occasionally do this. Snipers are different. Their

attacks are deliberate and are spoken in such a way that takes us off guard and leaves us unsure of

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

whether it was an attack at all. At times, these remarks are spoken in a joking manner; other times

the attackers are so good at it that we don’t even know if we’ve been offended.

So, how do you respond to a sniper? How do you coach a member who belittles others with words?

First, start with my two rules for dealing with any challenging behavior:

1. Call them on it assertively;

2. Put the ball back in their court. The thing that snipers fear most is exposure. So what do you

do? Expose them.

Consider Julie’s story from above. In addition to her employee’s attempt at belittling her, the

employee was also trying to “bait” Julie into reacting. Here is one way Julie could have handled the

situation:

Lynn: “Hey, nice dress… it doesn’t make you look fat at all.”

Julie: “Are you saying that I’m fat?” [Julie is calling her on it and putting the ball back

into Lynn’s court]

Lynn: “No, no, I’m saying you don’t look fat.”

Julie: “Are you saying that I look fat in other dresses?”

Lynn: “No, no… you’re so sensitive! You need to lighten up!”

Julie: “You know, you might be right. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll lighten up if you’ll

stop making snide remarks. Fair enough?”

In this example, Julie called Lynn on her snide remark using a calm tone, and then put the ball

back in Lynn’s court. Lynn then had to get herself out of it, which she was unable to do. I call this

“painting them into a corner with logic.”

How do you deal with snipers when you are unsure whether it was intentional or not? Do the same

thing: Call them on it, and then put the ball back in their court. Some possible ways include asking:

• “Can I ask what you meant by that remark?”

• “What are you really trying to say?”

• In extreme cases, you might ask calmly, “I’m sorry… did you just offend me?” This response

takes the sniper off guard. Regardless of what the sniper says next, you then follow it up

with one of the other two responses above.

Once you have called the sniper on it and put the ball back in his or her court, you can

tactfully say, “Can I ask you to not say things like this in the future?”

What about when a sniper strikes during a team meeting? Whether you are conducting the meeting

or not, how you respond depends on several factors.

• How serious was the attack? If it was just a mild passing remark, then you should confront

the sniper privately after the meeting. Simply ask the sniper what he or she meant by the

remark, and then ask him or her to be a little more careful in the future.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

• Did others notice? If so and if it was a mild attack, you can simply acknowledge the sniper

and say, “Okay, we’ll discuss that later,” and then continue with your meeting. This lets

others know that you intend to address the matter.

• Was it an obvious attack? Have you already spoken to the sniper privately on a previous

occasion? Then you may need to pause the meeting and say to the sniper, “Can I ask what

you meant by that remark?” This exposes the sniper for what they are. You may feel that

this will embarrass the sniper, but so what? The sniper is the one who raised the issue, not

you. The sniper must be held responsible for his or her belittling words. If this is embar-

rassing to them, then so be it.

In the spring of 2005, one of my seminar attendees said that her department had a saying:

“Freedom of choice; freedom of speech; no freedom from the consequences.” People must be

accountable for their words. For example, when going through airport security, what would the

security personnel do if a passenger jokingly said, “Hey, be careful of that loaded nine millimeter

Glock in my suitcase… I sure wouldn’t want it to go off accidentally!” Wouldn’t the security people

take the words literally? You bet they would! And security would detain the person until they could

figure out whether he was a terrorist or just stupid! We must take responsibility for our actions

and words, and we must hold the sniper accountable as well.

Other examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

 A person saying something under his or her breath. When another person asks what he

or she said, the person says, “Oh, nothing.”

 A person calls you on the phone, says something nasty, and then hangs up.

 You ask an employee to do something, he or she agrees, and then walks away mumbling

under his or her breath.

 A person sends you a nasty email, and then blocks your emails from going through to

him or her.

 A person posts a nasty comment in a forum, then leaves the forum so you can’t reply.

 Someone who smiles and appears to like and accept you to your face, but talks nega-

tively about you or stabs you in the back when you’re not around. Gossip is passive-

aggressive behavior.

Anytime another person attacks you verbally, but doesn’t give you an opportunity to respond is

passive-aggressive behavior.

The bottom-line in dealing with snipers is to call them on it and then put the ball back in their

court.

COACHING BULLIES AND AGGRESSIVE EMPLOYEES

If you’ve ever had to stand up to a bully, then what I say here will be nothing new to you. However,

sometimes we need reminders. Just a side note here: The information that follows addresses aggres-

sive behavior as found in your everyday bully. I am not addressing predators, psychopaths, or socio-

paths (these are a completely different discussion).

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

We often think of the male gender as playing the bully role, but interestingly, according to re-

search in 2007 by WorkplaceBullying.org and Zogby International:1

• 60% of bullies in the workplace are men, 40% are women.

• 57% of the targets are women, 43% are men.

• Women bully other women in 71% of the cases.

• Men bully women in 47% of cases.

This same research showed that the most common types of aggressive behavior by bullies include

(respondents could choose more than one):2

• Verbal abuse: 53% (shouting, swearing, name calling, malicious sarcasm, threats to safety,

etc.).

• Behaviors/actions: 53% (public or private that were threatening, intimidating, humiliating,

hostile, offensive, inappropriately cruel conduct, etc.).

• Abuse of authority: 47% (underserved evaluations, denial of advancement, stealing credit,

tarnished reputation, arbitrary instructions, unsafe assignments, etc.).

• Interference with work performance: 45% (sabotage, undermining, ensuring failure,

etc.).

• Destruction of workplace relationships: 30% (among co-workers, bosses, or customers).

• Other: 5%.

Not surprisingly, the same research mentioned above showed that 72% of bullies are bosses. This

means that you as a manager must exercise caution so that you do not wittingly or unwittingly abuse

your authority by bullying your employees.

Regardless of gender, bullies are aggressive people who test boundaries constantly, decides who

is a likely target, and then walks on the person with impunity. A bully who walks all over a target will

conclude that it was the target’s fault because that person let the bully walk all over them. Bullies

shift the blame and shirk personal responsibility.

From my experience in life with bullies, there is only one real way to deal with them: Stand up for

yourself in an appropriate manner. This takes courage, but there is simply no other way. Unfortu-

nately, two-thirds of targets in the workplace do not effectively stand up for themselves. 40% of

targets quit their jobs, 24% are fired.3

When a target stands up to a bully, the bully almost invariably does two things in the following

order:

1. The bully lays it on a little thicker in order to subdue the target. In other words, the bully

will figuratively “puff up his/her chest” and become more aggressive in order to scare the

target back into submission. This is almost always a bluff. The target must not become

1 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbygender.html. 2 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbytactics.html. 3 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbystop.html.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

intimidated at this point, or all is lost. When the bully sees that the target is not backing

down, the bully will then:

2. Back down. Bullies are cowards, and their aggressive behavior usually stems from a deep

and conflicted feeling of inferiority. They have to be aggressive in order to convince them-

selves that they are worthwhile human beings.

Here are six tips for dealing with bullies:

1. Your behavior must tell the bully that you are no longer willing to be walked on. Therefore,

you must act from a position of strength and confidence.

2. Bullies have a sixth sense regarding potential targets and are able to zero in on a likely

candidate quickly. How do they know? The two biggest factors are body language and being

reserved in demeanor. If you are not expressive in your body language and if you are quiet-

natured or shy, you will likely be deemed an easy target by a bully. If this describes you,

then you need to work on yourself and become more balanced in your communication

abilities, confidence, and people skills.

3. Bullies only understand one language: Directness. Don’t beat around the bush, but do not

speak aggressively back to the bully. Be assertive; use clipped sentences that are “short

and sweet.” Don’t be tactless, but don’t be sweetie-sweetie either.

4. Always look the bully in the eye while speaking directly.

5. Watch your body language. Hold your hands at your sides or in an “at ease” position with

your hands clasp behind your back. Do not fold your arms in front of you as this sends the

message that you are defensive.

6. Stand your ground. Do not physically step back (if standing) when addressing a bully. This

will be interpreted as you backing down by the bully.

Here are a couple of methods of dealing with an aggressive employee who is yelling at you:

1. Listen patiently while looking him or her in the eye. When the employee is finished

yelling, ask, “Is there anything else?” Then let him or her “spew forth” again if

they wish. Ask the employee the same question again, “Is there anything else?”

Once the employee is through yelling, the next step is to remove the bully from

the area in an effort to let him or her cool down.

While looking the person directly in the eye, say something like the following in a

direct manner, “I’ll meet you in the conference room (or another private and neu-

tral location) in 15 minutes to discuss this. I’ll see you then.” Then you walk away.

If the person tries to engage you while you walk away, you stop, turn toward him

or her deliberately, and say directly and firmly, “Discussing this now is not an op-

tion. We’ll discuss this in 15 minutes in the conference room. Be there.” Then you

turn and leave.

If he or she tries to engage you again, you could say, “15 minutes. Conference

room. Go there now and wait for me.” This should usually get them moving. If they

do not, then the situation has grown worse. You may have to exercise other options

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

especially if the member continues aggressive behavior. Other options include call-

ing other nearby members into the area or calling the police. Use your own good

judgment.

2. Another method is to wait for the bully to finish his or her rant and then say, “You

could be right. Can we discuss it?” Then tell the member you will meet him or her

in the conference room (or any private and neutral place) in 15 minutes (or any

time frame you choose). Obviously, the reason to wait is to give the bully a chance

to cool down and to give you time to collect your thoughts.

Aggressive people (bullies) create a hostile team environment. If you have an aggressive person on

your team, it is likely that this person is bullying other team members (if not you too). You must act

to coach or get rid of such a person. Obviously, this type of situation may not happen very often or

even at all. Nevertheless, you need to know how to stand up for yourself appropriately.

But what if your boss is the bully? This only makes the situation more intense. Unfortunately, there

are bosses who have not learned leadership skills and will yell at members—sometimes around others—

which is embarrassing and demeaning. How can you handle a situation like this? Here is one method

that you can adapt:

• After your bully manager finishes yelling, acknowledge what he or she said. If you

made a mistake, take responsibility for it. Then say, “By the way, when you yell at

me, I feel _________ (frustrated, embarrassed, hurt, etc.). Can I ask you to not yell

at me again in the future?” (This is based on the “I” statement model in the study

material).

If the manager tries to save face by saying something like, “That’s just who I am…

take it or leave it,” Just ignore what he or she said and repeat your question, “I

understand, but can I ask you to not yell at me again?”

Whatever he or she says next will probably be another attempt at saving face. Let

it go. The interesting thing is that the bully will probably not yell at you again. Enter

the paradox: Bullies do not respect wimps; a bully will not respect you until you

stand up for yourself!

If the situation goes from bad to worse, you may have to quit or take other legal

action. Always notify HR of any serious situation.

BLUNT NOTE TO AGGRESSIVE MANAGERS

If you are an aggressive manager, then you are likely creating a hostile team environment, which

exposes you to potential civil litigation. If this describes you, then you need to Stop it! Now! Nobody

likes to work for a tyrant or an ass. If you think that your way is the only way, then you are only

fooling yourself. If you think that you must “push” your people to get the work done, then you are

missing the whole point of LEADership. Leaders lead, they don’t push. That’s why they are called

leaders and not pushers.

I’ve known managers who believed that they had to push their members to get things done. (Inci-

dentally, this attitude is common among ex-military or paramilitary people.) Some have told me that

their employees like it this way. I promise you that these employees have a completely different

story to tell. Bullies are masters at fooling themselves. It’s called “denial.” If any of this applies to

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

you, then I encourage you to work on yourself and grow as a Leader, not a Pusher. The world is full

of dictators. Don’t add to their ranks.

COACHING EXCUSE-MAKERS

We’ve all heard them before, “I don’t have time! It’s not my job! I didn’t have what I needed to

get the job done! I had too many interruptions to get it done! Sally didn’t do her part so I couldn’t

do mine” and on and on.

Needless to say, excuse-makers can be very frustrating to a manager. Excuses are time stealers on

several levels. First, the assigned task doesn’t get done, and now you, the manager, have to deal

with the excuse-maker as to why he or she didn’t get it done, which takes time. Some hard-core

argumentative members will also engage you in a discussion designed to dodge and distract you from

the main issue, which steals yet more of your time and patience. Then, you still have to get the task

completed. In the end, more resources are wasted when excuse-makers reign free than if they would

just get the job done as assigned.

Excuse-making is the epitome of shirking personal responsibility. Some excuse-makers simply lack

organizing and prioritizing skills. Some are simply poor planners, or are careless with their time. Still

others use excuses as a means of getting out of doing something they should do. But in every case,

personal responsibility has been avoided.

In dealing with excuses, here is my rule: When you hear what sounds like an excuse, mentally ask

yourself, “Is it true?” If it is valid and true, then it is not an excuse; it’s a reason why. In this case,

problem-solve and coach the member to prevent it from happening in the future.

If it is not true, then it’s a bona-fide excuse. In this case, use the Art of Deductive Questioning to

get to the core issue. As stated above, Deductive Questions are simply short, open-ended, and logical

questions designed to “put the ball back in the excuse-maker’s court” and paint him or her into a

corner, logically speaking. In other words, if you ask the right logical questions, the excuse-maker is

forced into being unable to justify the excuse logically, which then gives you an opportunity to coach

them into improvement.

Sometimes, it’s hard to know whether the employee is just putting you off or not. One way to tell

is if the employee has established a pattern of not doing what he or she should, and then offering

excuses when you inquire as to why.

In the end, you have to decide whether this type of employee actually adds more to the relation-

ship than he or she takes. If you have to constantly baby-sit, it may not be worth keep him or her on

the team. Benjamin Franklin said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything

else.” He was right.

Segment 2 Supplemental Audio: Dealing with Difficult Behavior

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please listen to the audio above on

the Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This audio is part of

the course.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

COACHING NEGATIVE EMPLOYEES

The primary way to coach negative employees is to apply the two rules for any unacceptable

behavior: 1. Call them on it; 2. Put the ball back in their court with the use of deductive questions.

For example, you present a new idea to your team, and “Fred,” who has been with the team the

longest, responds negatively. Here’s how you might handle it:

Fred: “That will never work!”

You: “Why won’t it work?”

Fred: “We tried it before and it didn’t work.”

You: “Why didn’t it work?”

Fred: “I don’t know, it just didn’t work.”

You: “Really, why didn’t it work?”

Fred: “It didn’t work because our employees didn’t like it.”

You: “Why didn’t our employees like it?”

Fred: “No one told them about it.”

You: “So if we informed our employees about how they will benefit, do you think it

might work?”

Fred: “I guess so.”

Nay sayers very often don’t have substance to back up their negative words and by you continually

putting it back on them, you force them to “put up or shut up,” as the expression goes. This approach

also gives you an out, should the nay sayer actually have a point. By consistently questioning him or

her, you get to the bottom of the issue. Either the negative person is correct or they are not. If they

are correct, then you’ve learned something. If they are not correct, then they’ve learned something

(or should).

Using the foregoing example, you now would coach Fred on being more positive in the future.

Notice the conversational style, as well as softened words and phrases (italicized) that tend to not

raise Fred’s defenses:

You: “Fred, sometimes, it almost seems like you respond negatively to an idea before

you’ve had a chance to think it through. Have you noticed that?”

Fred: “Only those ideas that won’t work!”

You: “But you’ve now agreed that this idea will work, and yet you responded nega-

tively to it in the beginning. How come?”

Fred: “I don’t know.”

You: “Fred, is there any way I can ask you to take a deeper look at new ideas and

issues before you respond? And before responding negatively, can I ask you to first look

for the positives?”

Fred: “I’ll try.”

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

You: “I appreciate your willingness to try, however, what I’m really looking for here

is a firm commitment. Can I get that?”

Fred: “Yes.”

You: Thank you. I appreciate it.

By calling employees on negative behavior and holding them accountable with the use of questions,

you force them to acknowledge their negativity. Also, your efforts to coach are not over until you get

a firm commitment. With your consistent efforts over time, the negative employee should begin to

see things more positively. However, don’t expect negative behavior to change overnight.

As previously discussed, make sure your own actions are not causing negativity to take root in your

team. Communicate regularly with your members. Listen to them. Be predictable and consistent in

your own demeanor and behavior. Don’t be moody. Make sure that you as a manager are not part of

the problem either wittingly or unwittingly. Your own positive attitude will set an example for your

members to follow. Be aware of the things you say, and how you say them. Make sure that you are a

positive person to begin with.

Segment 2 Supplemental Audio: The Tiny Seeds of Negativity

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please listen to the audio above on

the Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This audio is part of

the course.

COACHING FORMER COWORKERS WHO YOU NOW MANAGE

Occasionally, newly promoted managers must deal with jealousy issues that arise from coworkers

who feel that they should have been promoted instead. Often the result is a show of disrespect by

the employee. In the same fashion as the behaviors above, you will need to confront the employee

in an appropriate manner and work to resolve the issue.

Following is an example of how you might approach this delicate situation:

YOU: Tammy, since I was promoted, it almost seems like something has changed between us.

Have you noticed that?

TAMMY: I don’t know what you’re talking about [spoken sarcastically].

YOU: That’s what I mean [referring to her response]. If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost say

you resent me becoming the manager. Is that true?

TAMMY: I should have been promoted instead of you. I’ve been here longer and deserve it more.

YOU: Why do you think I was promoted and you weren’t?

TAMMY: They obviously like you better.

YOU: It’s not a matter of them liking me better; it’s a matter of qualifications and experience.

Even though you’ve been here longer than me, I’ve had management experience with my pre-

vious company. I believe that is why I was chosen this time. Are you interested in this position

if it ever becomes available?

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

TAMMY: Yes I am.

YOU: Are you willing to put forth the effort for management training?

TAMMY: Yes.

YOU: Then I will work with you toward this goal. You understand that I’m not in a position to

promise anything, but I am willing to help you if you can get past your resentment. Can you?

TAMMY: Yes.

YOU: Great! Viewing situations such as this one properly is the first step. Can I count on you

showing due respect to me as well?

TAMMY: Yes and I apologize for my behavior.

YOU: I appreciate that.

The foregoing was only one of many possible outcomes, and I chose a positive version. Notice the

number of questions the manager asked and his or her calm, conversational style in this example. As

with any difficult and sensitive behavioral issue, the idea is to open a dialogue by calling the employee

on the matter, listening to what he or she says, and then striving to reason with him or her in an

effort to resolve the situation. Be sure to compliment the employee sincerely where you can.

COACHING OLDER-THAN-YOU EMPLOYEES

Newly promoted or hired managers may also have to deal with issues arising from older-than-them

employees who don’t like to be managed by a younger person. Like the example above, this can result

in a lack of respect shown toward the manager.

Handle the matter by asking the employee how he or she feels about you as a manager. This will

open up a dialogue. Using relevant techniques from the examples above, strive to understand why

the employee feels this way about you. In reality, it probably has nothing to do with you personally.

It probably has to do with the employee feeling inadequate or jealous over the fact that they haven’t

progressed to management and you have. If this is the case, uncover it with questions and see if the

employee has management aspirations. If so, work with him or her to take advantage of any upcoming

management opportunities.

If the foregoing is not the reason for the employee’s lack of respect, find out what is and endeavor

to resolve it in an appropriate manner using questions and a conversational style. Compliment the

employee where you can and emphasize the importance of the role he or she plays on the team.