1

Need to Fix

一，Every paragraphs has Grammar mistakes. (too long sentences can’t understand what you were trying to say.

二，Don’t use “ you” in your essay. There are many “this” in the essay. Most of them are very confusing. What does “this” represent? Reader can’t understand what “this” is. Every sentence relates to “this” need to be fixed.

三，Compress the high school experience in several large paragraphs. Many of the text are four or five lines, and can be appropriately changed to eight or nine lines. (Integrate the content experience, the text is too messy. Some high school experiences and ideas need to be compressed. Write the main, do not talk in general, but to concise. For finger pain, you can expand it, I see that the text of the left hand writing is not very real, I write with the right hand. But the finger pain can be written here, because The nerve compression of the cervical spine seems to be because after the cervical spine is compressed here, it will affect the spinal cord, and then it will randomly compress other nerves, and then the swelling of the fingers will occur. In this part, my professor hope that I expand it and write.

四，Using more Academic Vocabularies. For instance, using another word instead of "aggressive"

五，Context connection,(between with paragraphs, beginning and end). The first ending paragraph doesn't relate to ethonography. The teacher said that I would delete it, so I deleted the long one about ethonography and changed the beginning. On the other hand, the conclusion at the end has nothing to do with the article itself, delete it, and then add a conclusion that fits the entire article after the content I supplemented. Do not write useless things in this conclusion. The content at the beginning and end are useless and useless. They didn't play a good role in the essay. Therefore, you have to rewrite them.

六.Missing two important point in your essay

3.Move beyond yourself: Though this assignment is, at its core, a self-reflection, you should aim to produce writing that is both accessible and appealing beyond you and those who know and care about you. How does what you’re talking about connect to a broader audience?

4.Have an underlying significance: In your concluding paragraph or concluding section, you should strive to reach a broad audience most explicitly. Why does what you’re saying matter? What do you hope readers walk away with? How should your readers think about the world differently as a result of your paper?

I have already added these two myself because you didn't write them, but they account for 60% of the importance of this assignment. These two questions must go through.

七。The bold black part was added and rewritten by me. If there is a syntax error, please modify it, but do not delete it, because I added about four parts, all of which must be written in the job requirements, but you didn't write. The parts are underlined must be deleted. Then I wrote the grammar and the underlined grammar problem. My classmates couldn’t understand the content. They said many grammar errors in this essay. Express the meaning of Chinese in English. After that, I couldn’t read every paragraph. I couldn’t draw any mistakes later because there are too many mistakes.