Paper Correction and revision part 2

Peterson ENGL 235

Final Report Peer Review Sheet Purpose: This assignment will allow you to pass along helpful feedback to a peer that will aid in their report revision. At the same time, it will also give you the opportunity to consider your own draft and possible revision choices heading into the final. Finally, this assignment will also prepare you to meet each of the class learning outcomes:

• Locate, evaluate, and integrate credible research into a written document for a specific purpose and work-world audience;

• Apply appropriate formatting and visual aids for a specific purpose and work-world audience;

• Edit for accuracy, brevity, clarity, to write an ethical document with a specific purpose and work-world audience;

• Contribute successfully to a group in the creation of work-world documents. Instructions: Read over your classmates’ report in detail after considering the following questions. Then go back and supply your responses (writing on this document in a different font is best – simply save and upload as an attachment to your reply post on the discussion forum). Be constructive in your criticism, but remember that “Good job!” is not helpful feedback! Technical Writing Quality How well does this report achieve the following:

meets purpose of assignment? effectively engages a professional audience? employs varied sentence structures for style and college-level reader interest? exhibits a precise and sophisticated vocabulary?

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Peterson ENGL 235

all sentences are factual, active, clear, concise, and specific? Comments: Some of your sentences are confusing to read. Their main idea somewhat gets across, but I’m left doing double-takes and making sure I’ve read clearly, which distracts from the overall flow of the piece. I think some of your sentences and phrases are confusing because they could be said in fewer words. As you revise, I would challenge yourself to condense your ideas and uncomplicate them as much as possible. It’s tempting to use more words than necessary because of the potentially intimidating minimum word count requirement for this assignment, but those extra words come at the cost of clarity. I would cut out anything unnecessary and worry about meeting the length requirement later. An example of what I would cut out or alter: “advancements and innovations regarding the respective subject.” “The implementation and the operation of the image recognition theory and other related forms of artificial intelligence are witnessed and realized from the perspectives witnessed during the actuation and the particular implementation of the image recognition procedures.” What? I’m having to think way too hard to put this together, and it is still unclear. “The numerical values in the representation stand for the different characteristics and aspects in the image. The different numerical expressions help to distinguish between various components and aspects of the image.” First, this is the same thing said twice. Second, what are examples of different characteristics or “aspects”? (Contrast between pixels, edges, color, etc.) “Aspects” is vague. What does a python have to do with image recognition? “Most of the phones are unlocked with the use of image recognition since this method is more effective as it is rare to find another person with the same features.” Firstly, I don’t believe that “most of the phones” are unlocked this way; the majority of my family’s phones aren’t, so I need more convincing. Secondly, how rare is it? This seems like an easy statistic to find and cite, and an easy win for your report that can be used to argue that an investment in image recognition is an investment in security. “[…] image recognition has a very high rate of accuracy.” How high is “very high”? Give me a statistic that you’ve found in your research. If it’s not as simple as one number, give me multiple metrics and explain why they are useful for evaluating the efficacy of an artificially intelligent system.

remains focused on the central research question(s) throughout in an immediately recognizable way?

shows mastery of the narrowed topic and articulates its complexities? presents a logical progression of ideas based on the topic? maintains focus within each paragraph? uses highly effective subheadings?

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Peterson ENGL 235

provides clear and directive topic sentences and sophisticated transitions within and between paragraphs?

includes logical paragraph breaks? Comments: There are some parts that could be split further into multiple paragraphs, but generally I think you did a good job of separating ideas between paragraphs. The same goes for logical paragraph breaks. I didn’t give you a check for “shows mastery of the narrowed topic and articulates its complexities” simply for the opening section, “Operation of image recognition.” I think this section could be simplified a lot. The reader doesn’t need to know exactly how these systems work, but they should come away with a high level understanding, and I felt that that high-level understanding was a bit too difficult to get to than it should have been. I’m already familiar with computer vision, and this section was confusing and hard for me to read.

does not display any serious patterns of error? maintains a consistent point of view and appropriate verb tense? contains very few mistakes of syntax, grammar, and punctuation, and none that interfere

with meaning? Comments: My reasoning for these check boxes is apparent in my other comments.

Formatting and Visuals Use How well does this report achieve the following:

correctly uses MLA, APA, or IEEE standards for page layout?

design choices in page layout enhance reader understanding?

all visuals are accompanied by MLA, APA, or IEEE formatted captions?

all visuals are clearly linked to the text?

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Peterson ENGL 235

Comments: I recommend altering your report to have the clearly separated sections of Introduction, Data Collected, and Conclusion, as defined in the instructions for the report assignment. Each of these sections should start on their own page so that it is markedly clear where the y begin. Your pages are numbered with lower-case Roman numerals, but this should only be reserved for the front-material; the Introduction section should start on page 1. Research Use How well does this report achieve the following:

thoroughly supports and develops the topic using relevant, credible, and richly varied sources?

synthesizes relevant source support through effective interpretation and analysis?

consistently uses an appropriate balance of analysis, summary, paraphrase, and quotation?

considers and convincingly responds to varying claims?

consistently introduces source material with varied and effective signal phrasing?

maintains strict ethical standards and avoids plagiarism through correct and precise paraphrasing, use of quotation marks, in-text citations and an MLA Works Cited, APA, or IEEE References page? Comments: Your report doesn’t seem to rely much on information from source material. Either this is the case, or you are doing a lot of paraphrasing which is not clearly indicated as paraphrasing. References are mostly mentioned in passing rather than focused on for analysis of findings. Overall Impressions How persuasive did you find the recommendations made by this report? I do not find the recommendations persuasive. In fact, the conclusion does not make an explicit recommendation. Note at least 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses below: Weaknesses

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Peterson ENGL 235

- Word choice and phrasing seems to lack purpose at times and speaks negatively to your credibility, as if you are pretending to know what you’re talking about (whether or not you actually are). This mostly has to do with overcomplication.

- Overreliance on words such as “various” (appears 30 times), “particular” (appears 14 times), and “aspects” (appears 17 times). Overall use is not as much of a problem as repeated, consecutive use. There are many instances in which the use of these words does not convey additional meaning and distracts from the underlying point.

- Many instances of invalid word choice and grammar. With the right settings enabled, Microsoft Word and Google Docs should be identifying nearly all of these for you.

Strengths

- Your care for the subject matter comes across and aids in your pathos (emotional appeal, as minimal as it may be in technical writing) and ethos (credibility).

- Your “Future of image recognition” section is especially exciting. I think this section should be much longer and split into multiple sections where you explore applications in different industries. At the highest level, I think this is the most important thing you could do to improve your report (fluff removal and simplification being close seconds). But, this is just my opinion.

- Social awareness. You analyze image recognition from multiple perspectives.