draft

finaldraftfeedbackreport.pdf

final draft by Olayemi Olatunji

Submission date: 15-Jul-2021 05:09PM (UTC-0400) Submission ID: 1620083047 File name: var_www_moodle_temp_turnitintool_1461558366.final_draft.docx (28.12K) Word count: 1135 Character count: 6440

Hello note! Page header: review MLA style

Heading/Head Format: Needs Attn.

Introduction: Hook

Edit sentence clarity

THESIS: Research Paper

Subheadings: don't need

Citing TSs

Cite all source

Point needs clarity

Paragraph Structure

Thoughtful con

Unity & Foc

Transitions

Point: Needed

Cohesion: fails to develop th

Essay form, not lists or outlines

Global Organization

TS: Good!

Quotations: inc

Good concrete de

Citing entire paragraphs--don't

Conclusion for research essay

WC page: Check for precision

9% SIMILARITY INDEX

5% INTERNET SOURCES

8% PUBLICATIONS

7% STUDENT PAPERS

1 3%

2 2%

3 2% 4 1%

final draft ORIGINALITY REPORT

PRIMARY SOURCES

S. Shitharth, Gouse Baig Mohammad, Kadiyala Ramana, Vidhyacharan Bhaskar. "Prediction of COVID-19 Wide Spread in India using Time Series Forecasting Techniques", Research Square Platform LLC, 2021 Publication

A. Varshney, N. Garg, K. S. Nagla, T. S. Nair, S. K. Jaiswal, S. Yadav, D. K. Aswal. "Challenges in Sensors Technology for Industry 4.0 for Futuristic Metrological Applications", MAPAN, 2021 Publication

Submitted to Bridgepoint Education Student Paper

Saif ur Rehman, Mubashir Khaliq, Syed Ibrahim Imtiaz, Aamir Rasool et al. "DIDDOS: An approach for detection and identification of Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) cyberattacks using Gated Recurrent Units (GRU)", Future Generation Computer Systems, 2021 Publication

5 1%

Exclude quotes Off

Exclude bibliography Off

Exclude matches Off

Eric Tutu Tchao, David Ato Quansah, Griffith Klogo, Francis Boafo-Effah, Seth Kotei, Clement Nartey, Willie K. Ofosu. "On Cloud- Based Systems and Distributed Platforms for Smart Grid Integration: Challenges and Prospects for Ghana's Grid Network", Scientific African, 2021 Publication

FINAL GRADE

66/100 final draft GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi Olayemi: Your paper contains interesting content about cloud topic, and I enjoyed learning about it.

However, it would have benefited from more revision. For more specific feedback about both strengths and weaknesses in your work, please review my in-text comments, keeping in mind that I marked only a few areas for demonstration. Apply to all areas of your paper during a revision.

All the best,

PAGE 1

Hello note!

Hello there! I'm looking forward to reading your submission and offering you helpful feedback.

Regarding my feedback, please keep in mind that I mark only a few areas here and there about the standard aspects/conventions of this particular assignment and of academic writing in general. I do not mark every instance of every error or weakness.

Therefore, when revising, you will want to apply what you learn from one comment to the entire assignment submission, as well as whatever new things you might catch as you reread your own work.

Best regards,

Maria S.

Page header: review MLA style | Format

Review the MLA guide for an MLA-style name/page header: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_styl

Heading/Head Format: Needs Attn. | Format

Please review the MLA guide and instructions to create proper paper headings and running heads. Here is one resource to consult: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_sty

Introduction: Hook | Body/Support Grab the reader's attention with a "hook": a compelling and relevant quotation, statistic, fact, image, or statement. Check out this link: http://www.time4writing.com/learning-how-to- write/starting-with-a-hook/

Edit sentence clarity | Style/Lang.

Edit for clearer, stronger sentence structure. Review the 4 sentence types.

THESIS: Research Paper | Intro/Thesis The thesis for this assignment needs to state a claim (as a opposed to a mere purpose, fact or observation) and provides reasons. Check the sample thesis statements on the paper instructions sheet for a better understanding of how this can be revised.

Subheadings: don't need | Format

In short papers, you do not need subheadings.

Citing TSs | Body/Support

Topic sentences should be your own writing and thought, so they should not need to be cited. Use research to support your ideas lower in the paragraph.

Cite all source material in-text | Sources

Remember, cite with in-text citations ALL source material whether quoted, summarized, or paraphrased.

Point needs clarity | Body/Support

A point could be clearer here. Though this content is interesting, the reader isn't clear what point you want to develop and convey. Remember standard body paragraph structure looks like this: Topic sentence (stating the main idea of the para.) + Concrete support (examples,

http://www.time4writing.com/learning-how-to-write/starting-with-a-hook/

description, quotations, research material, etc.) + Summary Sentence (warps up the point) = a focused 5-7-sentence body paragraph.

PAGE 2

Paragraph Structure | Body/Support Paragraph structure in the body of a paper goes like this: topic sentence + concrete support + summary sentence. Here is a helpful link: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/

Thoughtful content; need clearer point | Body/Support

This content is thoughtful, but it needs to develop a clearer main idea and that develops the thesis.

Unity & Focus | Body/Support Revise body paragraphs for unity and focus: 1 main idea per paragraph.

Transitions | Body/Support Strive for moving the reader smoothly from one sentence to the next with the insertion of transitional expressions: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/574/01/

Point: Needed | Body/Support Strive to develop a clear main point in each body paragraph. This one could be stronger.

Cohesion: fails to develop thesis | Body/Support

This material doesn't speak to/develop the thesis. Every body paragraph should develop a main idea that develops the idea(s) stated in the thesis.

Essay form, not lists or outlines | Format

This assignment is an academic essay, which means that it needs to be presented in essay format: paragraphing. Bulleted or other kinds of outlines do not constitute essays.

Global Organization | Body/Support

Revise your draft for global organization: move the reader forward logically and smoothly from one main idea to the next, one per para.

PAGE 3

TS: Good! | Body/Support Good topic sentence here that states the main idea of its paragraph!

Quotations: incorporate some | Sources

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/574/01/

Remember to use the occasional full or partial quotation as support in each paragraph when using any kind of source material. Not only are you required to demonstrate quoting skills, .but also quotes add interest, depth, and credibility to any essay.

Good concrete details! | Body/Support

Good concrete details here!

Citing entire paragraphs--don't | Sources

You don't want to use sources so that you are citing an entire paragraph. Research should be supporting your points, not writing them for you.

PAGE 4

Conclusion for research essay | Conclusion

If you revise this paper so that it develops clear points that develop a clear main claim, you will also probably want to take another look at this conclusion.

PAGE 5

WC page: Check for precision | Sources

Check this content against the MLA guide for works cited pages. Errors exist, and a wc page needs to be precise.

RUBRIC: E1SLV7RESFINAL

INTRO/THESIS (20%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

BODY/SUPPORT (20%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

CONCLUSION (20%)

3.30 / 5

3 / 5

Background/History Define the problem/purpose for writing Consideration of the audience. Thesis Statement

Lacks an identifiable or acceptable thesis. Limited or no awareness of audience and purpose. Readers cannot discern the essay’s central idea.

Thesis is vague or unclear. Background details are a seemingly random collection of information, unclear, or not related to the topic. Limited audience awareness.

Introduction states the thesis or main point of the essay, but it may not adequately explain the background of the problem/point. The problem is stated, but lacks sufficient detail and/or explanation. Audience awareness may or may not be evident.

Introductory paragraph contains some background information and states the problem/point, but does not explain using sufficient details. Audience awareness is evident. The first paragraph states a debatable thesis statement.

Well-developed/exemplary introductory paragraph. Contains detailed background information, a clear explanation or definition of the problem/point with consideration given to the writer’s choice of audience, and a strong, debatable thesis statement.

3 / 5

Body Paragraphs Coherence/Organization Quality of Research or External Sources

Less than three main points, with poor or no development of ideas. Organization greatly hinders the argument. Research is inadequate. Ideas may not be original, as too much matter may be borrowed.

Less than three main points, with poor development of ideas. The organization of the shared ideas deters from the writer’s point. Research is minimally or dysfunctionally conducted and what is noted, appears to hinder the validity of the argument.

Three or more main points are discernible, but all three lack development. The argument is lacking a thoughtful organization of the main points. Conducted research does not serve as an asset to the overall argument.

Three or more main points are present but may lack detail and development in one or two. An organization of the main points is evident. Conducted research advances the conversation.

Three or more main points are well-developed with supporting details. The organization of the main points enhances the argument. Conducted research thoughtfully advances the conversation.

3 / 5

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

SOURCES (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

STYLE/LANG. (10%)

Summary of main points of argument/essay Restatement of thesis.

The conclusion is either inadequate or missing. The point of the essay is not clearly noted in the conclusion.

Conclusion is apparent but does not adequately summarize the main points. The argument, in fact, is weakened through the inadequacy of the conclusion.

Conclusion summarizes main topics, but is repetitive–lacking strength and possibly deterring from the overall argument.

Conclusion summarizes main topics. Some concluding ideas may lack strength or development.

Conclusion thoughtfully summarizes the main topic(s) without repeating previous sentences; the writer clearly and logically accentuates the point of the essay or the thesis.

3 / 5

Integration of Sources/Works Cited 10% Integration and MLA Formatting This paper requires at least 4 sources.

Argument lacks a documentation of sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. A lack of clear formatting throughout the essay substantially weakens the writer’s argument.

Argument lacks sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. Format is incorrect throughout the essay and occasionally distracts the reader’s ability to follow the author’s argument. In general, the “Works Cited” page may or may not exist.

Source material is used, but integration may be awkward–taking away from the strength of the overall argument. Most sources are accurately documented, but many are not in the desired format. The “Works Cited” page needs attention, as it lacks formatting and/or sufficient information–-or it features too much information.

Source material is used. All sources are documented, but some flaws in formatting or integration exist; however, the flaws do not deter from the writer’s intent or overall argument. A “Works Cited” page is included but may have some formatting issues.

Source material is smoothly integrated into the text using purposeful transitions. Sources are appropriately documented according to MLA guidelines. A “Works Cited” page includes all cited sources and is thoughtfully cited using MLA guidelines.

4 / 5

Sentence Structure (Grammar) Word Choice/Vocabulary (redundancy, repetition, awkwardness)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

PUNCT./CAP. (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

FORMAT (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

The writer has given very little or no apparent consideration to language and style. Word choice is sloppy and/or incorrect.

The writer’s use of language and style diminishes the nature and strength of the essay. Writer’s language/style choices make the essay less cohesive and/or difficult to understand.

The writer’s use of language and style, at times, deters form the overall argument. The writer’s word choice and style sometimes detracts from the overall message.

The writer’s use of language and style helps convey the author’s point(s). The writer almost always uses language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.

The writer’s use of language and style accentuates the nature of the essay. Writer wields language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.

5 / 5

Comma errors, comma splices, apostrophe errors, capitalization errors, semicolon errors, colon errors, typos/misspellings

Contains more than 6 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. The errors help to significantly deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains many (more than 4) different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors are repeated throughout. The errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains more than 3 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. At times, the errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains 1-2 types of punctuation/capitalization errors, which may be repeated throughout the essay. The errors do not deter from the writer’s overall argument, but they serve as a distraction.

Contains either no punctuation/capitalization errors, or no more than 2 different errors with no repetition, and/or the errors do not deter from the writer’s argument.

3 / 5

Attention to Directions/ Format of Essay Heading Original Title 1” Margins Double-Spaced Thesis or main point is underlined. Minimum word count: 800 words

Doesn’t meet formatting and/or word count requirements, and as a result, the writing is difficult to read or unreadable.

Meets very few formatting requirements, and those missing deter from the readability of the writing.

Meets some formatting requirements: the lack of appropriate formatting may lead to a lack of readability or to a distraction while reading.

4 (4)

5 (5)

Meets most formatting requirements; the formatting does not discourage readability.

Meets all of the suggested essay formatting requirements; formatting enhances the readability of the writing.