Research

feedbackreport.pdf

Draft of the Research Paper by Olayemi Olatunji

Submission date: 09-Jul-2021 12:12PM (UTC-0400) Submission ID: 1617578491 File name: var_www_moodle_temp_turnitintool_1770758000.Draft_Research.docx (20.89K) Word count: 1383 Character count: 7454

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8% SIMILARITY INDEX

4% INTERNET SOURCES

7% PUBLICATIONS

6% STUDENT PAPERS

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2 2%

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Draft of the Research Paper ORIGINALITY REPORT

PRIMARY SOURCES

S. Shitharth, Gouse Baig Mohammad, Kadiyala Ramana, Vidhyacharan Bhaskar. "Prediction of COVID-19 Wide Spread in India using Time Series Forecasting Techniques", Research Square Platform LLC, 2021 Publication

A. Varshney, N. Garg, K. S. Nagla, T. S. Nair, S. K. Jaiswal, S. Yadav, D. K. Aswal. "Challenges in Sensors Technology for Industry 4.0 for Futuristic Metrological Applications", MAPAN, 2021 Publication

Submitted to Bridgepoint Education Student Paper

Saif ur Rehman, Mubashir Khaliq, Syed Ibrahim Imtiaz, Aamir Rasool et al. "DIDDOS: An approach for detection and identification of Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) cyberattacks using Gated Recurrent Units (GRU)", Future Generation Computer Systems, 2021 Publication

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Exclude quotes Off

Exclude bibliography Off

Exclude matches Off

Submitted to Charter School Of Wilmington Student Paper

Shikha Mittal, Dr. Paramjeet Singh,, Dr. Rahul Malhotra. "Empirical Study of Research Issues and Challenges in Cloud Computing for E- Health Systems- A Review", International Journal of Research in Advent Technology, 2019 Publication

FINAL GRADE

9/20 Draft of the Research Paper GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Olayemi,

Cloud computing has really taken off. One thing you need to do in your opening paragraph is to use a definition from an authoritative source which definies what cloud computing is.

One of the requirements of the assignment is to underline the thesis statement. While you have not done so, nevertheless it is easy to discern which sentence is supposed to function in this capacity. The problem is that the thesis you have right now is merely informative. It must be argumentative. You must make an arguable claim which you set out to prove with at least three supporting details.

The paper is hard to understand. It has super long and needlessly wordy sentences that end up distracting the reader. He/she has to go back and reread the sentences again and again to understand what you are trying to so. Do not make your sentences so long that readers cannot understand your points. The keyd to good writing are brevity, conciseness, and clarity. Just try reading your sentences out loud. They should not be longer than three lines.

The biggest problem with the essay is the language. It is extremely repetitve and needlessly wordy. It is hard to get to the meat of the message because of how long the sentences are. I think in some places, you are trying to sound educated and sophisticated, but it backfires, because the reader gets lost wading through the unnecessary words and loses the meaning. of the sentence. Brevity is key. Getting straight to the point is so much

better. Your goal needs to be clarity first followed by conciseness.

The final paragraph does not sound properly wrapped up. It is important to include a couple of sentences at the end which draw the whole composition together to a close.

The biggest thing you have to work on is writing plain, clear, and to the point sentences. It is hard to understand your paper's points when they are bogged down by unnecessary wordiness. Stop with the big, flowery phrases.

BJP

PAGE 1

Comment 1

Hello, Olayemi. Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, your assignment still includes a number of notes and/or comments from a tutor or from previous feedback. Please consider making the revisions suggested, then delete the comments and submit the assignment again. You will receive an email from our Academics team that will include your original submission and your current submission will be cleared from the submission inbox. Please resubmit your completed assignment at your earliest convenience. Thank you!

Comment 2 | Format

Make sure to underline the thesis statement.

Comment 3

This is an example of a comment already left by someone else such as a tutor or previous feedback provider.

Comment 4 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 5 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 6 | Punct./Cap.

Omit this comma.

Comment 7 | Punct./Cap.

Leave in lowercase.

Comment 8 | Punct./Cap.

Omit this period.

Comment 9 | Intro/Thesis

This appears to be the thesis. Your thesis as it is now is merely informative It is supposed to make an arguable claim which you prove with three supporting details. Your instructions state:

You will need a good, comprehensive thesis statement that states your claim (what will you prove? Keep in mind that the purpose of this assignment is to support a claim, which means you must do more than merely inform the reader. You must take a stance on your topic and make/support claims that go beyond mere facts) and at least three supporting details (how will you prove your point?).

PAGE 2

Comment 10 | Style/Lang.

This is way too long. This sentence is five lines of text, and in that length, you use the word "often" four times! Only use the word once in the sentence. This sentence should be broken into at least two separate sentences. Just try reading this entire sentence out loud, Olayemi, without any pauses. The reader cannot follow what you are trying to say because the sentence is so long it is overwhelming.

Comment 11 | Style/Lang.

Redundant: Use the word "often" only once in a sentence.

Comment 12 | Style/Lang.

This sentence is too wordy.

Comment 13 | Style/Lang.

Redundant: Avoid using the same word twice in a sentence.

Comment 14 | Style/Lang.

You are overusing the word "often." It is used four times in the previous sentence, and now in this sentence you use it yet again.

Comment 15 | Punct./Cap.

Missing comma

Comment 16 | Style/Lang.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 17 | Style/Lang.

This wording is confusing. There is a word or there may be multiple words here that are missing: The given scientific ______________________

Comment 18 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 19 | Style/Lang.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 20

Olayemi, this is way too long. It is needlessly wordy and it should be made into at least two or three separate sentences. These points are not articulated clearly and concisely, and as a result, the reader has a hard time understanding.

Comment 21 | Style/Lang.

Awkward and confusing "ubitquitous" is an adjective. It must be accompanied by a noun.

PAGE 3

Comment 22 | Style/Lang.

Olayemi, these sentences are too long. They are needlessly wordy and the make the reader have to go back and reread them to understand them. You need to be writing clear, concise sentences.

Comment 23 | Style/Lang.

This is needlessly wordy and repetitive.

Comment 24 | Punct./Cap.

All of these words should be in lowercase.

Comment 25 | Punct./Cap.

All of these words are supposed to be in lowercase.

Comment 26 | Style/Lang.

Redundant: Refrain from using the same words you have already used in the sentence.

Comment 27 | Style/Lang.

Stop using such long-winded sentences. Brevity, clarity, and conciseness are key. When you write needlessly wordy sentences, it is hard to follow your meaning.

PAGE 4

Comment 28 | Style/Lang.

This is confusing. It is missing a word or two: the enhancing of secure ________________

Secure is an adjective that must accompany a noun.

Comment 29 | Style/Lang.

Needlessly wordy: Just say by its nature

Comment 30 | Style/Lang.

This wording does not make sense.

Comment 31 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 32 | Style/Lang.

This wording does not make sense.

Comment 33 | Style/Lang.

Vary your vocabulary. You already started a sentence this way in this paragraph. Do not do two sentences this way

Comment 34 | Style/Lang.

This is another needlessly wordy sentence. Do not use issue and issues in the same sentence.

Comment 35 | Style/Lang.

Redundant: You have used the same words three times in one sentence. Your sentences are too wordy and ne

Comment 36 | Style/Lang.

Stop using the same wording twice in one sentence.

Comment 37 | Style/Lang.

Redundant: You have used this same wording four times in two sentences. Olayemi, read your paper out loud or better yet, have someone read it out loud to you so you can hear how repetitive your wording is. Use the phrase "the identified " once. Then find other wording.

Comment 38 | Style/Lang.

This is needlessly wordy and hard to follow because sentence is long. Take out at least a quarter of the words in this sentence. Make it to the point.

PAGE 5

Comment 39 | Style/Lang.

This wordy and unnecessary. Take out at least a quarter of the words. They make composition weaker, not stronger. Conciseness is key. Here is another "the identified." It is not needed.

Comment 40 | Style/Lang.

Take out these "the identified." Olayemi, you have used "the identified" six times in five lines. It should be used once in five lines.

Comment 41 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 42 | Style/Lang.

Take this out. You already said "type of technology". Do not put "kind of technology in the same sentence. Olayemi, read your paper out loud. It has so many repetitive phrases. You need to eliminate these redundant words.

Comment 43 | Style/Lang.

Olayemi,

This is saying the same thing over and over. Say regulations and leave out rules. They mean the same thing and if weakens your argument.

Comment 44 | Style/Lang.

Take this out. You already said issues. Do not use the same word twice in one sentence.

Comment 45 | Style/Lang.

Take this sentence out. You have already said it and you used security associated issues in the previous sentence. Olayemi, go through your entire paper. Read it paragraph by paragraph. When you have used a phrase, maike sure you do not use that same phrase in the paragraph again. Make sure there are no sentences where you use the same word twice.

Comment 46 | Style/Lang.

This does not make sense.

Comment 47 | Style/Lang.

Scientific is an adjective, It needs a noun following it.

in the given scientific _______________

Comment 48 | Punct./Cap.

Leave this word in lowercase.

Comment 49 | Style/Lang.

Just say something like

The aim of studying cloud computing is to explore . . .

Do you see how much clearer and stronger that concise statement is? It does not sound better to use unnecessary big words; it actually weakens the paper.

Comment 50 | Style/Lang.

This sentence is very wordy. Take out at least a third of it.

Comment 51 | Style/Lang.

Take this sentence out. You do not need it and it is redundant.

Comment 52 | Conclusion

Get rid of all of this and just state :

There are a variety of benefits of using cloud computing:

List the benefits straight out. Do not try to use flowery complicated phrase. Just state in as few words as possible what tthey are:

Comment 53 | Conclusion

Take all of this out. Just say:There are a number of security concerns with cloud computing:

Comment 54 | Conclusion

The final paragraph does not sound complete. It sounds like you stopped mid-thought. You need to add a couple of sentences that provide a sense of closure to the composition as a whole.

PAGE 6

Comment 55 | Sources

In MLA formatting all significant words in titles are capitalized. This holds for all of your sources. Make sure that you capitalize all significant words in article titles and periodical titles on this page.

Comment 56 | Punct./Cap.

Capitalize periodicals.

Comment 57 | Sources

In MLA formatting, give the first author by last name, then first name (not initials). After the first author, use the abbreviation et al.

Comment 58 | Punct./Cap.

Italicize the conference title.

Comment 59 | Sources

Give the author's first name (not merely initial.)

Comment 60 | Punct./Cap.

Italicize the conference title.

Comment 61 | Punct./Cap.

Capitalize and italicize journal titles.

RUBRIC: E1SLV7RESDRAFT

INTRO/THESIS (20%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

BODY/SUPPORT (20%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

CONCLUSION (20%)

2.20 / 5

2 / 5

Background/History Define the problem/purpose for writing Consideration of the audience. Thesis Statement

Lacks an identifiable or acceptable thesis. Limited or no awareness of audience and purpose. Readers cannot discern the essay’s central idea.

Thesis is vague or unclear. Background details are a seemingly random collection of information, unclear, or not related to the topic. Limited audience awareness.

Introduction states the thesis or main point of the essay, but it may not adequately explain the background of the problem/point. The problem is stated, but lacks sufficient detail and/or explanation. Audience awareness may or may not be evident.

Introductory paragraph contains some background information and states the problem/point, but does not explain using sufficient details. Audience awareness is evident. The first paragraph states a debatable thesis statement.

Well-developed/exemplary introductory paragraph. Contains detailed background information, a clear explanation or definition of the problem/point with consideration given to the writer’s choice of audience, and a strong, debatable thesis statement.

3 / 5

Body Paragraphs Coherence/Organization Quality of Research or External Sources

Less than three main points, with poor or no development of ideas. Organization greatly hinders the argument. Research is inadequate. Ideas may not be original, as too much matter may be borrowed.

Less than three main points, with poor development of ideas. The organization of the shared ideas deters from the writer’s point. Research is minimally or dysfunctionally conducted and what is noted, appears to hinder the validity of the argument.

Three or more main points are discernible, but all three lack development. The argument is lacking a thoughtful organization of the main points. Conducted research does not serve as an asset to the overall argument.

Three or more main points are present but may lack detail and development in one or two. An organization of the main points is evident. Conducted research advances the conversation.

Three or more main points are well-developed with supporting details. The organization of the main points enhances the argument. Conducted research thoughtfully advances the conversation.

3 / 5

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

SOURCES (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

STYLE/LANG. (10%)

Summary of main points of argument/essay Restatement of thesis.

The conclusion is either inadequate or missing. The point of the essay is not clearly noted in the conclusion.

Conclusion is apparent but does not adequately summarize the main points. The argument, in fact, is weakened through the inadequacy of the conclusion.

Conclusion summarizes main topics, but is repetitive–lacking strength and possibly deterring from the overall argument.

Conclusion summarizes main topics. Some concluding ideas may lack strength or development.

Conclusion thoughtfully summarizes the main topic(s) without repeating previous sentences; the writer clearly and logically accentuates the point of the essay or the thesis.

0 / 5

Integration of Sources/Works Cited 10% Integration and MLA Formatting This paper requires at least 4 sources.

Argument lacks a documentation of sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. A lack of clear formatting throughout the essay substantially weakens the writer’s argument.

Argument lacks sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. Format is incorrect throughout the essay and occasionally distracts the reader’s ability to follow the author’s argument. In general, the “Works Cited” page may or may not exist.

Source material is used, but integration may be awkward–taking away from the strength of the overall argument. Most sources are accurately documented, but many are not in the desired format. The “Works Cited” page needs attention, as it lacks formatting and/or sufficient information–-or it features too much information.

Source material is used. All sources are documented, but some flaws in formatting or integration exist; however, the flaws do not deter from the writer’s intent or overall argument. A “Works Cited” page is included but may have some formatting issues.

Source material is smoothly integrated into the text using purposeful transitions. Sources are appropriately documented according to MLA guidelines. A “Works Cited” page includes all cited sources and is thoughtfully cited using MLA guidelines.

0 / 5

Sentence Structure (Grammar) Word Choice/Vocabulary (redundancy, repetition, awkwardness)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

PUNCT./CAP. (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

4 (4)

5 (5)

FORMAT (10%)

0-1 (0)

2 (2)

3 (3)

The writer has given very little or no apparent consideration to language and style. Word choice is sloppy and/or incorrect.

The writer’s use of language and style diminishes the nature and strength of the essay. Writer’s language/style choices make the essay less cohesive and/or difficult to understand.

The writer’s use of language and style, at times, deters form the overall argument. The writer’s word choice and style sometimes detracts from the overall message.

The writer’s use of language and style helps convey the author’s point(s). The writer almost always uses language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.

The writer’s use of language and style accentuates the nature of the essay. Writer wields language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.

2 / 5

Comma errors, comma splices, apostrophe errors, capitalization errors, semicolon errors, colon errors, typos/misspellings

Contains more than 6 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. The errors help to significantly deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains many (more than 4) different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors are repeated throughout. The errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains more than 3 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. At times, the errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.

Contains 1-2 types of punctuation/capitalization errors, which may be repeated throughout the essay. The errors do not deter from the writer’s overall argument, but they serve as a distraction.

Contains either no punctuation/capitalization errors, or no more than 2 different errors with no repetition, and/or the errors do not deter from the writer’s argument.

4 / 5

Attention to Directions/ Format of Essay Heading Original Title 1” Margins Double-Spaced Thesis or main point is underlined. Minimum word count: 800 words

Doesn’t meet formatting and/or word count requirements, and as a result, the writing is difficult to read or unreadable.

Meets very few formatting requirements, and those missing deter from the readability of the writing.

Meets some formatting requirements: the lack of appropriate formatting may lead to a lack of readability or to a distraction while reading.

4 (4)

5 (5)

Meets most formatting requirements; the formatting does not discourage readability.

Meets all of the suggested essay formatting requirements; formatting enhances the readability of the writing.