Group and Family Dynamics

MCGOLDRICK: Hi. I'm Monica McGoldrick. When I work with families, I try to place their problems,

whether individual, couple, or child-focused, into a broader context that includes extended family,

community, gender, class, race, and cultural background. I do this because I believe that we are all

connected to all that came before and to all that will come after. It is when these connections are

severed, whether through death, divorce, or estrangement, that a part of us also dies, and that

deadness can seep into all of our relationships, affecting people long after the loss has occurred.

Problems often evolve in a family because of their inability to adapt to or mourn their losses.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: This program presents a family in which the intergenerational ghosts of

loss are hiding behind the symptoms of the present. Kathleen Rogers, the second wife of David Rogers

(not their real names) made the initial appointment for her family. The guidance counselor of her

stepdaughter, Michelle, had referred them to me because Michelle had been cutting school and

generally acting remote and upset.

MCGOLDRICK: Hi. You must be Michelle.

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Hi. So, we spoke on the phone. Uh, what I'd like to do is hear a little

from each of you what you see as the problem, and then I'm going to ask you some questions. We'll try

to put it in some context, if that's okay. So whoever wants to go first?

DAVID: I guess I'll begin. Well, I think you know that you were recommended to us by Michelle's

guidance counselor. She's been having some difficulty at school. There have been several incidents this

year. The last one was her getting caught cutting classes. Additionally, we're very concerned about the

group of kids that she's been hanging out with. They're sort of a fast crowd. We're never quite sure

where she is, and so forth. Also, she seems to have this big chip on her shoulder. A lot of anger and

hostility, and we're really not sure how to deal with it. And that's principally it.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay. So Kathleen, what's your view?

KATHLEEN: Well, I agree. I mean, there's just a lot of tension in the household and it's not very pleasant

to live like that, and. I mean, I've tried to help her deal with her anger.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Something about this family's presentation seems very flat. I'll take the

guidance counselor's referral as an indication there's something wrong, but so far, all I've heard is a

description of a typical teenager.

MCGOLDRICK: What's your sense of what she's maybe angry about?

KATHLEEN: Well, I don't know.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay. So, what's your view, Michelle? Would you agree that there's a lot of tension in the

family?

MICHELLE: I guess so.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah. Are there some things about what's happening at home that are upsetting you?

Want to talk about it?

MICHELLE: No.

MCGOLDRICK: How about school? You're okay with school? The way things are going?

MICHELLE: School's fine. School's great.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah, yeah. So is there anything that you think would be good for us to change about the

way things are going, from your point of view?

MICHELLE: I wouldn't be so angry if they weren't so--

MCGOLDRICK: So what?

MICHELLE: So wrapped up in their own, like, little world. Everything has to be just so. Everything is, "The

baby this," or "The baby that," "The baby needs this."

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-hmm. And how old is the baby?

KATHLEEN: She just turned two last month.

MCGOLDRICK: She just turned two. I see. You're saying, what, that the family revolves around the baby?

MICHELLE: Seems so.

MCGOLDRICK: I see. So have things changed since the baby came, since the baby's been born?

MICHELLE: Yeah. It's like that's the only child in the house.

MCGOLDRICK: Well, you know what, maybe what would be good, if it's okay with you, is, let me get a

little background, and ask a little bit, so I kind of know who's who.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I like to do a genogram very early in the first session so that as I listen to

details of the presenting problem, I have a context in which to put them.

MCGOLDRICK: Now, you were married before?

DAVID: That's right.

MCGOLDRICK: And you have an older brother. Is that right?

DAVID: Julian.

MCGOLDRICK: And how old is he?

DAVID: 21. MCGOLDRICK: He's 21. And, Michelle, you're 15? What's your birth date, exactly?

MICHELLE: November 5, 1979. MCGOLDRICK: Okay. And your first wife's name?

DAVID: Diane.

MCGOLDRICK: Diane. She died when? How long was it?

DAVID: She died August 15, 1991. MCGOLDRICK: I'll come back to her. But let me understand, now. The

two of you were married when?

KATHLEEN: June 10, 1992. MCGOLDRICK: Okay. And you, together, have a daughter?

KATHLEEN: Jade.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay. And she was born when?

DAVID: Excuse me, just a second. Is this really necessary for us to go into all these dates? Uh, I mean, it

seems like we're here because of Michelle's problem, and I'm just wondering whether we're, you know,

whether we can use time a little better.

MCGOLDRICK: Right. Well, I'll tell you. From my perspective, you never know what part of the history

may turn out to be relevant to the presenting problem. But very specifically, what your daughter said

was that she's been upset since Jade was born. Now that may, you know, I don't know exactly what that

means. But surely, the specific time when she was born would make some difference in that you must

have had to a lot of family rearranging around her birth, no? Okay. And Julian, by the way, where is he?

DAVID: He's at Colorado College.

MCGOLDRICK: And he's what year? He's been away for how long?

DAVID: He's 21. MCGOLDRICK: He's 21. But how many years has he been away from--

MICHELLE: He's a junior.

MCGOLDRICK: He's a junior. Now, let me get a little bit about your background. How many were in your

family that you grew up in?

DAVID: Just me, my mother and father.

MCGOLDRICK: I see. You had no brothers or sisters?

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. They didn't want to have any other children? Do you know anything about that?

DAVID: Well, uh, there was actually a child born before me, about two years before me.

MCGOLDRICK: Really.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Asking why a person was an only child can sometimes uncover important

family history.

MCGOLDRICK: It was a son or a daughter?

DAVID: A son. And he was born with only a partially formed stomach, and so he couldn't take in

nutrients, and, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: What was his name?

DAVID: David.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: The fact that he was given the same name as his dead brother suggested

that he may have been a replacement child for his parents.

MCGOLDRICK: Did that ever seem kind of, I don't know, spooky or something, to have the same name as

your brother?

DAVID: Not really. Why?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Although David makes light of this, I wonder if it intensified his role as an

only child.

MCGOLDRICK: Now, is your father alive?

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: When did he die?

DAVID: He died December 30, 1977. MCGOLDRICK: What did he do for work?

DAVID: Banker.

MCGOLDRICK: I see. And how did he die?

DAVID: Well, uh, complications due to liver disease.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. Was he a drinker?

DAVID: Well, uh, he certainly wasn't an alcoholic, but he enjoyed drinking.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Asking about the cause of death, especially if it was premature, can

sometimes reveal problems, such as alcoholism or suicide.

DAVID: He could drink quite a bit at a party, but, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: I know this is sort of hard to talk about, sometimes, different things in your family, but

did anybody else ever think that he had an alcohol problem?

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: No.

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: Not your mother, for example?

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: Really.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Although David rejects the suggestion of alcoholism, I'm not totally

convinced. I may revisit this question once we've established a greater level of trust.

MCGOLDRICK: Now, is your mother alive?

DAVID: No.

MCGOLDRICK: When did she die?

DAVID: She died in '87. MCGOLDRICK: And how old was she?

DAVID: She was. I think she was 65. MCGOLDRICK: What was her name?

DAVID: Edith.

MCGOLDRICK: Edith. So, they never had any other children, your parents? There were no miscarriages

or anything?

DAVID: Yeah, there were a couple, I think, in my early childhood. MCGOLDRICK: Really. DAVID: Um, mid-

'50s, '54, '55, something like that. I guess they wanted one more child, and it didn't happen.

MCGOLDRICK: I see.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I ask about miscarriages and stillbirths because these losses are often

glossed over with little resolution, and can be more important than anyone realizes.

MCGOLDRICK: So now, can we talk a little bit about your family?

KATHLEEN: Um, sure. Yes.

MCGOLDRICK: I appreciate that you may not know exactly where I'm going with this, but to me it's really

important to kind of get a sense of who people are and where they're coming from. So how many are in

your family?

KATHLEEN: There's myself, and I have a half-brother named Matthew. My parents are divorced.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: In contrast to David's rather flat description of his family, Kathleen was

actively uncomfortable talking about her working class, Irish-German background. The first in her family

to attend college, she quit after her second year when her father died unexpectedly. She has very little

contact with her mother, stepfather, and half-brother, who moved to Florida shortly after the second

marriage.

MCGOLDRICK: What's your family background, ethnically?

DAVID: Ethnically? Uh, I don't know. I don't have an ethnic background. Uh, I'm, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: Where did your ancestors come from? Do you know?

DAVID: England.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I believe strongly that people's cultural background plays a profound role

in how they see the world and how they define their problems. I try always to help them locate

themselves in this context, since our society tries so hard to pretend that culture, like race, gender,

class, and sexual orientation, doesn't matter, when in fact these dimensions structure our very

existence.

DAVID: I'm a WASP. I'm white bread with the crust removed, you know?

MCGOLDRICK: And where'd you grow up?

DAVID: Westport, Connecticut.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. Were you pretty close to your parents?

DAVID: Reasonably so.

MCGOLDRICK: Who were you closer to?

DAVID: My mother, I guess.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. How would you describe your childhood, in a word?

DAVID: Well, I'd just describe it as a pretty happy upper-middle-class, you know, family.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah, um-hmm, okay.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: David seems to have little sense of himself as an emotional being. I

wonder if this is just a result of his upper-middle-class WASP background, or if something else is

inhibiting him.

MCGOLDRICK: So, is Matthew married?

KATHLEEN: No.

MCGOLDRICK: Does he have any kids?

KATHLEEN: Yes.

MCGOLDRICK: How many kids?

KATHLEEN: One.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. And how old?

KATHLEEN: Uh, I think he's three.

MCGOLDRICK: And where does he live?

KATHLEEN: Uh, he lives in Florida.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. What's his name?

KATHLEEN: Ethan, I think.

MCGOLDRICK: You're not in touch with him?

KATHLEEN: No.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Cutoffs such as this usually indicate something seriously amiss in the

family process. I'll explore this later with Kathleen, hoping to encourage her to reconnect.

MCGOLDRICK: Let me go back a little bit now and ask about [to Michelle] your mother. Now, her name

was--

DAVID: Diane.

MCGOLDRICK: Diane. And you mentioned before she died in August--

DAVID: Of '91. MCGOLDRICK: Of '91. Now, tell me a little bit about her background. What was her--

DAVID: She grew up in Puerto Rico.

MCGOLDRICK: So. You look like you like that. Do you?

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: You think of yourself as part Puerto Rican?

MICHELLE: Absolutely.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah?

MICHELLE: I am, aren't I?

MCGOLDRICK: You sure are. But that's important to you, that part of your identity?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-huh.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: This was the first sign of life in this session, and I went right toward it. I

was also very interested in the Puerto Rican connection, since this choice of a wife seemed so out of

character for David.

MCGOLDRICK: Have you ever been to Puerto Rico?

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Really. Tell me about that.

MICHELLE: I went a couple of times during the summer.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. Your whole family went, or what?

MICHELLE: No, just me.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. How did that happen?

MICHELLE: Well the first time was to visit family and stuff, and after that my mom got sick and my

parents didn't think that it was the best idea for me to stick around, so they sent me down there.

MCGOLDRICK: And how old were you when your mother got sick?

MICHELLE: Ten, eleven.

MCGOLDRICK: So, you said you had family down there. Who's down there?

MICHELLE: My grandmother was down there. I used to go visit and stay with her. But I also have cousins

and aunts and uncles.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. What's your grandmother's name?

MICHELLE: Aba.

MCGOLDRICK: Aba.

MICHELLE: Well, that's what I called her, anyway.

DAVID: Carmen.

MCGOLDRICK: Carmen.

DAVID: Her name is Carmen.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay. So she's still in Puerto Rico?

MICHELLE: Yeah, but buried.

MCGOLDRICK: You mean she died?

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Really. How long ago?

MICHELLE: Three months ago. February 15th. MCGOLDRICK: Were you close to her?

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Really. How did she die?

MICHELLE: She just died.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. How old was she?

MICHELLE: I don't know.

DAVID: She had been sick for many years. She had Alzheimer's disease. She was in a home--

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: No matter how many genograms I do, I'm still amazed at the hidden

family issues this technique reveals.

MCGOLDRICK: But when you were younger, during the time your mother was ill, you were very close to

her?

MICHELLE: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: What was your wife's illness?

DAVID: Well, she had a kind of leukemia.

MCGOLDRICK: I see.

DAVID: And so, in the beginning, there was a lot of chemotherapy.

MCGOLDRICK: Really.

DAVID: And, uh, during that period of time, the first year of her illness, she, uh, she would have periods

where she was sort of okay.

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-hmm. DAVID: But the second year, um, it got very bad.

MCGOLDRICK: So you felt maybe it would be easier if Michelle were--

DAVID: Away from it.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: David seemed to be going along with this painful discussion of his wife's

death, so I was unprepared for his reaction to what I thought was a rather innocuous question about

Michelle's grandmother.

MCGOLDRICK: So it sounds like you were very close to your grandmother. Were you?

DAVID: Uh, excuse me, Monica. Uh, I really have to ask the question again where this is leading. I mean,

we've really wasted most of this session going back on this ancient history, and what I'm really afraid of

is that we're not going to focus on the problem that we came in here to address, which is Michelle's

misbehavior. And I'm very concerned that she's going to take this as a cue that this is some sort of an

excuse.

MCGOLDRICK: Was there something about that that got, I don't know--

DAVID: No, it's just that, you know, she really wasn't very close to her grandmother--that's the point of

fact--and I just am afraid that if we just keep harping on this stuff here, we're not going to deal with

what's going on with Michelle at school.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm, um-hmm. DAVID: Now, I really feel like, if we're going to go on with this, I need

to know how long this is going to take. I mean, I'm a lawyer and I work with contracts. And we have to

tell clients, we have to tell them, you know, how long something is going to take and what it's going to

cost.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. Well, in some ways this is a little bit different situation, you know. It's very

hard, until I get a sense of what the story is, to know how to, exactly, help you to figure--

DAVID: Can you give us a ballpark figure?

MCGOLDRICK: Sure, sure, sure. And I feel very strongly about being accountable to you, so I, you know,

you're going to have to feel okay with the process. In a general way, that's going to take us a few

sessions. You know, what I would say is if, after we've met three or four times, you feel as you do now,

that this is, you know, what does this have to do with anything, then I would say, let's really talk about it.

But until we get a sense of what the history is, and how that may relate to whatever is happening right

now, both in your family and for her at school, I kind of need to get oriented to this.

DAVID: All right, well, I think we have to think about it.

KATHLEEN: Dear, I think we should do it, all right?

DAVID: Well, let's give it another try.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay.

KATHLEEN: All right.

MCGOLDRICK: But keep letting me know if this is not, you know. Now, how are you with this idea? What

do you think about coming here?

MICHELLE: Beats being grounded.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: In the first session, we dealt primarily with the new nuclear family and the

previous nuclear family, as well as with all three families of origin. We'll focus on specific relationships as

therapy continues. My hypothesis at this point is that David never really mourned the loss of his first

wife, and rushed into a second marriage. I suspect that Michelle has not gotten over her mother's death,

and does not feel a part of the new family. Perhaps that pain is resurfacing for her, triggered by her

grandmother's death. I also suspect that Kathleen has helped David in the cover up of his losses, a

typical female task of protecting the husband and children. The first challenge here is to get David and

Michelle to mourn Diane. I'm also concerned that Kathleen's role as caretaker will put her at risk for

depression down the road.

MCGOLDRICK: So, how are things?

DAVID: Uh, Monica, I've been thinking a lot about last week, and, um, I still feel that it's important that

we focus on the present and not so much on the past.

MCGOLDRICK: Um.

DAVID: Um, I mean, we spent a good deal of the session last week, as an example, talking about

Michelle's grandmother, who Michelle saw for all of about four months total in her entire life, and I

really think we need to focus on the present and Michelle's behavior, which is continuing to be very

difficult.

MCGOLDRICK: I have to tell you that, from my perspective, the past really influences the present in such

important ways that we cannot not deal with that.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I haven't been able to forge a connection with David yet, so I don't have a

strong enough footing to confront his resistance. Instead, I'll go with his concerns and look for ways to

connect them with the family history that seems to be the cause of their current distress.

MCGOLDRICK: But I'll tell you what. Let's start with what's happening now, that, you know, obviously

there's something that you wanted me to understand that you think I don't yet understand. So why

don't you tell me what that is.

KATHLEEN: Well, the. May I start?

DAVID: Go ahead, go ahead.

KATHLEEN: Thank you, dear. Well, this past week Michelle has been listening to this new rap music that

goes thug, thug, or something, and it pounds continually. I think it's these kids that she's hanging out

with that are--

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Note how Kathleen jumps in to protect David from having to express his

feelings. It may be that he's so disconnected from the family that he doesn't really know what the

trouble is.

DAVID: Kathleen really gets the brunt of it because, you know, I'm at work all day and I come home late

and I hear these tales. And it's, it's.

MCGOLDRICK: Well I'm not really clear. What is it, exactly, that bothers you? The music bothers you, and

what they wear bothers you.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: There's something here that just doesn't wash. When parents make

superficial criticisms of their children's friends, I often find it's a code for class or culture.

KATHLEEN: They're from an area that I think is really bad for Michelle to go down to.

DAVID: You just feel--

KATHLEEN: I don't feel. I'm sorry.

DAVID: Go ahead.

KATHLEEN: I just don't feel that she's safe with these kids.

MCGOLDRICK: Now, is it. I know you're relatively new to the situation, but is it your sense that Michelle

has changed the friends she hangs out with? That she used to have a different group of friends?

MICHELLE: No, they're black and Puerto Rican kids. That's what they don't like.

DAVID: No, that's not it at all.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

DAVID: It's their behavior. It's got nothing to do with their color or race or anything.

MICHELLE: Okay.

KATHLEEN: Michelle, I grew up with blacks and Puerto Ricans. I'm used to them. No, it's not what they

are, it's what they are doing that we're upset about.

DAVID: I mean, these kids--

KATHLEEN: And we're concerned.

MCGOLDRICK: Tell me a little bit about your friends, what they're like.

MICHELLE: I met them at this summer theater group that I was in last year, and they're all, they're all

into this, you know, really cool stuff.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. Like what?

MICHELLE: Carlos writes poetry, writes some good stuff, too. It's really, really deep. And Serena's in this

Latin folk band, and they mix a lot of different kinds of music styles in it.

MCGOLDRICK: Do you kind of feel connected to them in some way because it's like part of your heritage

we were talking about last time?

MICHELLE: Yeah, they know where I'm coming from, you know? They're my people.

MCGOLDRICK: And what do you think about your father and Kathleen's concerns about that? That, um, I

mean, obviously they care about you and they care where you're going. And it sounds like they're really

worried about your connection to these friends. Should they be?

MICHELLE: Concerned? I would think that they would want me to be happy. Hanging out with them

makes me happy.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I'm reframing the parents' criticism as concern to see if Michelle sees any

validity at all in their comments.

KATHLEEN: I don't care if you hang out with them, but I'm not happy that Serena just got a tattoo, and

that you think that's very cool.

MICHELLE: It's one of those ones that washes off in two weeks.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Adolescents generally don't reveal

themselves in front of their parents, so I met with Michelle alone to get to know her better.

MCGOLDRICK: I thought it'd be a good idea for us to get to talk alone a little bit, because I'm not really

sure what's happening here with your parents. I talked to your guidance counselor, and she says, you

know, she's known you, she thinks you're basically a terrific kid, but you've really been different the past

couple of months. So she was sort of worried about it. That's what she said why she referred you, and I

don't know what you think about that. I mean, do you think she should be worried?

MICHELLE: I mean, I'm not really. I'm not really doing anything, you know, major. Yeah, I cut a couple of

classes here and there, and yeah, you know--

MCGOLDRICK: But from what she told me, it's different. Because she said, you know, you've always

been a good student, uh. You've been really hassling some of your teachers, cutting in ways that you

never did before, and her sense is something's happening. Your parents' fantasies are obviously going

wild. I think it comes from really caring about you, so you need to know that.

MICHELLE: I mean, I know that a major thing that we're in conflict with is that they don't like the friends

that I've, you know, that I've been hanging out with lately. But, you know, they think that. they just

assume that just because, you know, they're black and they're Puerto Rican that they're, you know, that

they're doing all these things, like, that, you know, that that's all that we see in the media and TV and

stuff, and it's not like that, you know? They're really cool kids and, you know, there are just so many

things that I can do with them that, you know, none of my other friends in the past ever really could

understand or could. I feel like I can relate to some of them in ways that I was never able to relate with

anybody else.

MCGOLDRICK: So you feel like you share interests, like you were talking about Carlos and writing poems,

and--

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: and your other friend.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: Serena.

MICHELLE: Serena.

MCGOLDRICK: So why do your parents, do you think, think that these kids are going nowhere? Do they

know these kids?

MICHELLE: No. They haven't even given them a chance.

MCGOLDRICK: Really.

MICHELLE: They're just going to listen to what, you know, other parents are saying, or whatever, just

because they're not from the same neighborhood. Right away that means that there's something wrong

with them.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. But, I mean, you can understand yourself that, because you must see it with

other kids, that it's easy to get in with the wrong crowd. It's easy to get into a situation where peer

pressure can become a real problem.

MICHELLE: Yeah, but that's not me. That's not me.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay, well, I'm just asking, because I don't know you, you know.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Her reaction here seems pretty genuine. I don't think that her new friends

are the problem.

MCGOLDRICK: And, because it sounds like there has been a recent change, and that's what I'm trying to

figure out, is what happened recently? I mean, I know last time you were saying that, at home, the focus

seems to be on the baby. But the baby's two. I mean, that's not that recent. What do you think is

upsetting your parents so much now?

MICHELLE: Just that I'm hanging out with Puerto Rican kids.

MCGOLDRICK: Why? Why is that so upsetting to them?

MICHELLE: I don't know why it's so upsetting to them, but you saw yourself. I mean, when my father was

talking about my grandmother, it was like she was a non-person. MCGOLDRICK: He doesn't know how

connected you were to her?

MICHELLE: What did it sound like?

MCGOLDRICK: No, I mean, that's true, but. I don't know. I couldn't really tell what that was about. Have

you ever talked to him about what that means to you?

MICHELLE: No. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't get it.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. Do you miss your mother?

MICHELLE: Do I miss my mother? Yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: Was there something that was triggered when your grandmother died?

MICHELLE: My father, like, wants to ignore that it even, like, had any relevance in my life.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. MICHELLE: But. I was with my grandmother when I found out about my

mother dying.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. MICHELLE: She was the one that was there for me, not my father. And it

should have been him.

MCGOLDRICK: Have you ever talked to him about that?

MICHELLE: He wouldn't. No.

MCGOLDRICK: He wouldn't what?

MICHELLE: It's like he's not there.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay, but maybe that's the issue. I mean, maybe, you know, maybe you and he just need

to get connected in a way that has really been missing for you. I don't know, that's what it sounds like.

That he doesn't know where you've been at.

MICHELLE: He doesn't even take the time to try to find out, either. So how can he know?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: This is a real break. So far, I haven't seen anyway to get David to deal with

his grief. Michelle needs to confront him about his being shut down with her. If David sees that this is

hurting their relationship, it may motivate him to face up to his own unresolved mourning.

MCGOLDRICK: I think maybe we need to talk about this, and that some of his resistance about the

relevance of your history, you can tell him about. I mean, I can't. you know. He's not going to hear it

from me, but he's going to hear it from you, and he's going to know that that's what's relevant. Because

that's history that you and he share, you know?

MICHELLE: But he doesn't ever want to talk about it.

MCGOLDRICK: Well, you know, maybe it's time to talk about it.

MICHELLE: You heard him when he was here. He said why are we even talking about stuff that has to do

with the past?

MCGOLDRICK: Okay, but you can help him to understand that, and I'll help you.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Because of the uneven power relationship between Michelle and her

father, I wanted to make it very clear that I would lend my support to her attempt to discuss their

shared history. While we were alone, I also checked about her use of drugs and alcohol, and felt

reasonably confident that this was not a problem. I then met with David and Kathleen to give them my

assessment of Michelle.

MCGOLDRICK: It's clear to me that she feels not as well connected to you, that she cannot really talk to

you, that she has not talked to you. She said that she's never been able to talk to you about her

mother's death. When you say to me, "Let's forget the history, we've got to deal with this present

problem," the sense I have is that the present problem is related to the history, and the fact that you

and she cannot share the history matters. And I think we need to just talk to her about it.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: This is David and Michelle's history, before Kathleen's time. I want her to

stay out of the discussion, but I want her to be present for two reasons: it's history she should know

about, and I don't want her to feel excluded from the therapy.

MCGOLDRICK: I think this relates to a history that's before your time, you know? If you were God, I don't

think you could get it right with Michelle until she feels better connected to her father, and better able

to deal with the loss of her mother. So I think that some of what you're very irritated about with her in

terms--I mean, some of it is just being a teenager, let's face it--but some of it is that she is struggling to

put together a history that was before your time, you know? And I think she needs to work it out with

her father, and that it's not, it's not your problem. You know what I mean?

KATHLEEN: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Do you remember how you first found out that she was ill?

MICHELLE: She called me and Julian into her bedroom and--

MCGOLDRICK: Your father wasn't there?

MICHELLE: No. He was working.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. And what did she say?

MICHELLE: She just said that she was, she said, "Mommy's sick," and not to worry, that everything was

going to be fine, but, um, if she wasn't able to do some of the things that she, you know, sometime in

the near future, that--

MCGOLDRICK: Have you ever talked to your father about this?

DAVID: You know, I was concerned about, uh, you know, upsetting them too much. I thought that it

might actually be counterproductive in terms of Diane's wellbeing.

MCGOLDRICK: Hmm. Um, before, you made reference to how hard it was. She had a lot of pain in the

last period?

DAVID: She lost a great deal of weight and, um. Do we really have to talk about this?

MCGOLDRICK: You know, I think it matters a lot for you and your daughter to share. I know that it's

hard.

DAVID: She lost a great deal of weight, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: Are you okay with that? Do you see why it matters for her?

DAVID: She, uh. In the end she was in the hospital for about three months, total, and, um, she, um,

gradually became weaker and, um, of course, she was, she was connected up to an IV most of the time.

MCGOLDRICK: Now you said before, Michelle, that you had actually been with your grandmother at the

time your mother actually died. How did that happen?

MICHELLE: Well, they sent me to Puerto Rico, so I was down there when I found out that she died.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. How long had you been there?

MICHELLE: I was. at that point I was probably there already for almost two months, a month and a half.

MCGOLDRICK: Do you remember when you found out that she had died?

MICHELLE: Like it was yesterday.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. What do you remember?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I often find that asking a client to recall specific details of a painful event

elicits a more genuine emotional response.

MICHELLE: I was in Aba's kitchen and I was cutting up the peppers for the sofrito, because she was going

to make some rice and beans, and the phone rang in the living room. But I could see, I could see her. It's

like the kitchen [gesturing], and then there was the living room, and I think I almost knew even when the

phone rang, but she picked up the phone, and she stood there, and she just, she dropped the phone and

she started screaming, "Oh my god, oh my god! Not my baby! Not my baby!" And I knew.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I find it's very important to give people the time to work through

moments like this.

MCGOLDRICK: And then what? Did you and you grandmother come up together for the funeral, or how

did that happen?

MICHELLE: I stayed down there.

MCGOLDRICK: What do you mean you stayed down there?

MICHELLE: My father called me later on that day and said, um, "You might as well just stay the month

and wait until your flight at the end of the month to come home."

DAVID: See, I thought that, um, I gave some thought to whether she should come back for the funeral,

and for awhile I thought that would be a good idea, but then, after thinking about it some more, I

thought, well, she's going to be hanging around a funeral home for a few hours, and, uh, going through

all that--

MCGOLDRICK: Can I interrupt you? Can I ask you, what are you feeling now about this?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I didn't want David to distance himself from these feelings, so I tried to

bring him back into the moment. His response came as a complete surprise.

DAVID: I really had no idea, Michelle, that you felt so strongly.

MICHELLE: She was my mother!

DAVID: Not about your mother, of course, but the whole thing with your grandmother. I had somehow

put that behind me, and it seems so long ago, and I feel very guilty that I didn't tell you about your

grandmother's death.

MCGOLDRICK: What do you mean?

DAVID: Well, I just. Frankly, I just didn't think it was important at the time.

MCGOLDRICK: I don't know what you're referring. You didn't know your grandmother died?

MICHELLE: Well, I sort of found out.

MCGOLDRICK: What do you mean?

DAVID: Well, there was this phone message, apparently, that Alicia, my wife's sister, called from Puerto

Rico telling us about Carmen's death, and, uh--

MICHELLE: And I came home from school and heard it.

MCGOLDRICK: Now this is just recently, right? This is just a few months ago.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah?

MICHELLE: I came home from school. I heard it.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah?

MICHELLE: And I just, I went to my room, and then Kathleen came home later on, and she played the

messages, and I heard her play the messages, and, um, I expected that afterward she was going to, you

know, come say something to me, or come to my room.

DAVID: It wasn't her fault. She talked to me about it.

MICHELLE: And nothing. Nobody said nothin'.

MCGOLDRICK: So, so when did you talk about it?

MICHELLE: We didn't.

DAVID: Well, I was so busy that week, and I just thought about Carmen as someone that Michelle had

very little, you know, connection with anymore. We don't talk about Carmen. And, uh, I remembered it

later in the week. And we did talk briefly about it then.

MICHELLE: We talked about it? You said, "Oh, by the way, remember Carmen from Puerto Rico? Well,

she died."

DAVID: I understand.

MICHELLE: We really talked about it. I said, yeah, thanks for telling me.

MCGOLDRICK: So the two of you have really never talked about any of this, it sounds like.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I was impressed, and I have to say astonished, at how much David

seemed to be connecting with his daughter and her emotional experience. You can never be too sure

you know how another person will react. I would have thought it would have taken a lot more for David

to open up like that.

MCGOLDRICK: I mean, you know, this is making me think that maybe some of what's gotten you upset,

Michelle, the past few months, is really that Carmen's death just kind of brought this whole thing back,

and that maybe the lack of connection between the two of you has just, you know, it has just gotten too

big. And that you really, I mean, she really needs you, obviously. And maybe some, some of what you've

said about your Puerto Rican friends is a part of, you know, something very natural, really: that you

didn't get to have your mother as long as you needed her. And so, it's part of finding out who you are,

you know? What did your mother do? I mean, did she work or something?

MICHELLE: She used to write plays.

DAVID: Actually, uh, Diane and I met, uh, when I was in graduate school. I was a bit of a rebel in those

days and, uh, she was in a writing program at Columbia, and, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: Really?

DAVID: Yeah, and she wrote this political piece that I got involved in.

MCGOLDRICK: No kidding.

DAVID: I did a couple of plays back then.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. You don't seem like the type, if you don't mind my saying so.

MICHELLE: You were in plays, Dad?

DAVID: Yeah, I did a couple of plays.

MICHELLE: Go figure.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: When people disconnect because of the pain of their losses, they often

bury important parts of themselves, as well.

MCGOLDRICK: Well, you know, I think this is really important, that there's a lot that matters to share,

you know? That we all carry our history with us, you know? And that probably there is a lot of what you

know about Diane that matters. Now let me ask you something. I'm very conscious that Julian is not

here, you know? And, of course, he's a part of this history, too. When. is there some possibility that we

could get him in, too?

DAVID: I don't think that's possible. He's in Colorado, so--

MCGOLDRICK: See, to me, this is the same point. Just as she needs you to be her father, maybe this is

important for him, too. She needs her brother, and he needs to be a part of this. You know, it was his

mother, too.

DAVID: I suppose. That's a very expensive weekend.

MCGOLDRICK: But it's a very valuable family, isn't it? A part of you knows this is really crucial, but I still

think it really matters, you know?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Focusing on David and Michelle's shared memories of Diane would, of

course, disrupt the new family balance, and it was predictable that Kathleen would react. Although I

tried to prepare her for this, she still came in very agitated the next week.

MCGOLDRICK: So what's happening here?

KATHLEEN: Well, I'll tell you what's happening here. This one, two nights ago, traipsed in at 3:00 in the

morning. She was supposed to stay and baby sit for me while I go shopping. She bolts out of the door

and runs down the street. I have to stay because I've got Jade in my hands. I can't reach her.

MICHELLE: You're kidding, right?

KATHLEEN: Wait a second. She never even calls to let me know. I'm up all night worrying about her, not

knowing where the hell she is. He comes in, he just sits there and says, "Well, we'll just wait, see what

happens." I'm thinking, what is wrong?

DAVID: I didn't just sit there.

KATHLEEN: Oh, you didn't? Well what did you do? Did you try--

DAVID: I told her that we were going to talk about it with her the next day.

KATHLEEN: We were going to talk about it like it was like something, like she went out to have a cup of

tea!

DAVID: I wasn't going to have a long, drawn out conversation at 3:00 in the morning.

MICHELLE: I went to--

KATHLEEN: She's 15 years old!

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I think Michelle's staying out until three a.m., and David's withdrawing,

are reactions to last week's session. But not surprisingly, it's Kathleen who acts as the lightning rod.

MICHELLE: Why were you asking me to baby sit for Jade?

KATHLEEN: Excuse me, I'm sorry, that concert is not as important as this family, and even though I am

not part of the original family, I seem to be the only one that's taking that as the priority instead of the

two of you, who have your brother coming in.

MICHELLE: How is babysitting for Jade more the pri--

KATHLEEN: Because I was going shopping to get ready for Julian.

DAVID: Michelle, you acted very irresponsibly, all right?

KATHLEEN: Oh, David, you sound like a priest.

DAVID: Oh come on, come on.

MCGOLDRICK: I know you're upset, I know you're upset, and I know you've been trying to solve this. We

talked about it since before you guys came here.

MICHELLE: She's like this all the time.

KATHLEEN: You know, excuse me. Why do I feel all of a sudden that I am being picked on? I am the

mother, now, in charge. I mean, the other mother is gone.

MCGOLDRICK: You know, you know why, I think? You know what I--

MICHELLE: You're not my mother, okay?

KATHLEEN: Excuse me, I'm not your mother, but I'm your stepmother.

MCGOLDRICK: Excuse me a sec. Kathleen, you know what I think? I think you've been trying to solve a

problem that you can't solve, which is, you're the one who's on the line, because you're the one there.

You know? It's like, you're in the role of mother, and mothers are expected to take care of their children.

But as we discussed before, you're not the mother, you don't have the leverage here, and you can't do

it.

KATHLEEN: But you're not getting David to do anything about it.

DAVID: I'm doing the ab--

KATHLEEN: Things are getting worse. They're not getting better.

DAVID: I am doing the absolute best I can right now, all right?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: My priority here was to get David to make a firm commitment to his

parenting responsibilities. But first I wanted to talk with Michelle to make sure that her staying out late

wasn't a sign of more serious trouble. After seeing her alone for a few minutes, I met with David and

Kathleen.

MCGOLDRICK: Listen, I think we need to get this whole situation into some kind of perspective, you

know? If you think about Michelle in terms of what's happening, she really is a good kid, you know?

There is a lot to worry about, and she's like, terrific, actually.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: When I'm trying to get a parent to change behavior toward a child, I don't

want the child present because I don't want the parent to lose face.

MCGOLDRICK: Let me just finish my thought here. For her to stay out until 3:00 by herself is serious,

because whatever kind of a good kid she is, it's dangerous. So believe me, I'm not saying, "Hey, yo! Let

her decide her own curfew. That's fine." I'm not saying that at all. She needs to know from you that you

really mean it. That you're going to know when she doesn't come in at 11:00 at night. That you really

mean it when you say, "Call,"--no ifs, ands, or buts--and that there really are consequences. She loves

you. She needs you. And I don't think you really get that. And honestly, that's why I think you're flipping

out about this, because I think emotionally you're much more in touch with the real dangers, with

what's really going on with teenagers, with what's really going on around, and that you're the one who's

going to be able to reassure her, not me, by making sure you really follow through.

DAVID: You know, I think I understand you, but I just feel like I can only do this within limits. I mean, I

feel in some ways that I'm being drawn and quartered, because I have a very, very stressful job right

now and, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: But you can't just do it to a certain extent. Because Kathleen is right, she could be lost if

you do not connect with her. She could well get lost. She's not lost now; she's terrific. I'm saying this

because I'm trying to really get through to you, but I don't think you understand this. The fact that she

connected with me as well as she has in so few sessions is remarkable. She is really seeking to be

connected, but you've got to take the opportunity. She really needs you. She needs you to do more than

just, sort of, when you're around, sort of say half-heartedly, you're grounded, or something.

DAVID: I'm under a lot of pressure too, you know. You know, when you think about what's happened

over the last four years, you're talking about the death of a wife, you're talking about remarrying. We've

just had another child.

MCGOLDRICK: But what are you saying, really? Where are you going to go? You know, she's 15. At 18,

she's going to be gone. You have three years, and she's going to be gone. You can either do it or not do

it. Those are the only two options that I can see.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Some therapists would take exception to my urging David like this, but

I've found that many clients are receptive to this kind of direct verbal intervention.

DAVID: Well, all I can say is, I can try to do it to the best of my ability. That's all I can say.

MCGOLDRICK: You know, work is a good excuse, and it's also, frankly, an excuse that a lot of men use to

avoid very painful things that men in our society are not socialized to be able to deal with easily. You can

use that. I'm urging you to think about doing it a different way. And I think you can do it. I was actually

very struck at how emotionally present you were last week. That you, I mean, when you were able to

recognize what not dealing with Carmen meant for your daughter, I mean, I was really astonished,

actually, at your being able to be that in touch with her emotionally to realize that. But it matters.

DAVID: It was very upsetting to me because I thought we were making some progress.

MCGOLDRICK: What I actually think happened this week--which, it's very common to have, you know,

people begin to move with something that's important, and then they get scared and back off--what I

think happened is for what reasons, I'm not sure, something triggered Michelle to do something which it

is worse than any of the acting out we've talked about before. I suspect it's in reaction to what

happened here last week: that she somehow got scared. Now what reason, I don't exactly know, but I

think it's very much in relation to what we were talking about: that she really needs to deal with who

her mother was for her, that a lot of who she is is tied up with all of that history that she's got to be able

to deal with.

MCGOLDRICK: Can we talk about the period when your mother was ill?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Julian came from Colorado for the next session. He was understandably

uncomfortable, especially when talking about his mother's death.

JULIAN: I knew she was really sick, very, very sick, kind of in and out of the hospital.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. JULIAN: And so, like, we were alone a lot of the time, I mean...

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. JULIAN: You know?

MCGOLDRICK: Do you remember when she died?

JULIAN: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: Where were you? How did you find out?

JULIAN: Um, this is, our. the lady who sort of took care of the house and everything. Jackie.

MCGOLDRICK: So your father called her or something?

JULIAN: I guess. Yeah.

DAVID: I called Jackie, and she was at the house, and I told her to tell Julian, and that I would be home as

soon as possible.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. And do you remember what happened when you saw Julian?

DAVID: I don't, uh, I don't remember that.

MCGOLDRICK: You said before, Julian, that you've never discussed a lot of this with him and you don't

know what his feelings were. Are there things you'd like to know that you'd like to ask him about? Julian:

Yeah, yeah, I think it's, uh. I just want to know, you know, you never, there was never. you never

communicated anything to us. I mean, it's like, even when we were kids, I mean, I know you were there,

but I never felt like you really were there.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Bringing young adult children who have left home into therapy can be

very powerful, giving them a safe place to express difficult feelings.

JULIAN: You know, I mean, I love you because you're my father, you know? And sometimes I just think, I

don't know, did you really. I mean, I know you loved us, but. like, were we a burden to you? Did we--

DAVID: No.

JULIAN: Did we. what. you know, am I. do I make you proud of who I am? Do I, you know, I mean,

sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore. I mean, I know you loved Mom, but, god, you

remarried so quickly. I mean, it's all of these things. I just don't understand it. You know, it's like, I want

to come home, but I don't want to come home. I don't feel comfortable in my own house. I don't know, I

don't.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Note how effectively these thoughts, coming from Julian, get through

David's defenses. I could work with David for weeks without eliciting such a deep response.

JULIAN: I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, but--

MCGOLDRICK: Try to express it.

DAVID: Of course I love you. I feel. I feel like you're talking about someone else. I hear what you say, and

some of it must be true, but I feel like you're talking about someone else. Of course I love you both.

JULIAN: I didn't mean that. I mean, I know you love us, but, I mean.[to Michelle] I don't know. What do

you think?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: For the rest of the session, David and his children shared memories of

Diane and of her death.

MCGOLDRICK: I mean, I think that's one of the worst things you could ever go through is to lose your

spouse and have young children.

DAVID: It's certainly the worst thing I ever had to go through.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Shared rituals can help reinforce family connectedness. This was

especially important in this case because Michelle hadn't even been at her mother's funeral.

MCGOLDRICK: But you know what I'm thinking, that you never talked about this. I mean, we're saying

that you've never shared it. But also, the fact that Michelle wasn't even here when you had the funeral.

Maybe, even though that's that many years ago, it would help if you would take your children to the

grave now.

DAVID: Um, do you think that would be helpful? Julian: Well, yeah.

MCGOLDRICK: You know what, David? I don't think. I think he's been left too responsible here, that

maybe it's not for him to have to decide if it would be helpful. Maybe it's for you to decide if it would be

helpful. You know what I mean? Because he was the kid. I'm not. I'm saying this because I think they

need you to be their father more than you realize.

DAVID: Right, right. Uh, so, tomorrow? Okay? Julian: Yeah.

DAVID: All right?

JULIAN: Is that all right?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: It wasn't surprising that things kept coming up all weekend that

prevented the visit to Diane's grave, but they did finally manage the trip just before Julian left.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: It had a considerable impact on both father and daughter. Michelle was

more connected to her parents, and she even joked with Kathleen. David was quite moved by the

experience, and he also remarked on how shutdown he felt, and expressed a desire to be more open for

the sake of his children.

MCGOLDRICK: Tell me something. I've several times wondered: How did your family feel when you got

together with Diane? I can't imagine they were too enthusiastic.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I decided to meet with David and Kathleen alone, to work on David's

emotional distance.

DAVID: What do you mean?

MCGOLDRICK: I mean, you know, you've described yourself as coming from this sort of somewhat upper

class, old New England.

DAVID: WASPy.

MCGOLDRICK: WASPy family. I can't imagine they would be too enthusiastic about your marrying

somebody who was Puerto Rican. Was that an issue?

DAVID: Well, um, what you have to understand about my parents is that they were very polite people.

MCGOLDRICK: Yes?

DAVID: And they did not, uh--

MCGOLDRICK: David, we're trying to go a little underneath that--

DAVID: Okay.

MCGOLDRICK: --the politeness. We know they were polite. You're polite.

DAVID: Right. Well, there was a problem.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: At this point, I felt I had enough bond with David to push him a little,

especially since he's asking me to help him penetrate his defenses.

MCGOLDRICK: So let's talk about it. How did they react?

DAVID: Well, they really didn't approve of Diane.

MCGOLDRICK: Really. How did the wedding go?

DAVID: Well, I have very mixed feelings about the wedding, because it wasn't exactly the wedding that

she had in mind.

MCGOLDRICK: Oh, really?

DAVID: I really, uh, I never had thought much about exactly how I wanted to get married, but she really

sort of wanted the traditional, you know, wedding with the big white gown and the church and, you

know, the whole nine yards. And her mother couldn't have afforded that, and my parents weren't, you

know, particularly forthcoming with support, and they--

MCGOLDRICK: So you didn't do that?

DAVID: No. What we did is we did sort of a Justice of the Peace thing, and we had a nice little dinner

afterward, and it was just us and four of our friends.

MCGOLDRICK: Really.

DAVID: Um-hmm. MCGOLDRICK: So your parents really disapproved?

DAVID: Right. Again, it was nothing stated overtly. There were no confrontations. They never actually

pointblank said, "We don't want you to marry this woman." But there was no support.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Note how utterly understated David is here. He describes his parents as

polite and says they weren't particularly forthcoming with support, when the truth is they didn't even

attend their only child's wedding.

MCGOLDRICK: But, let me push another side of this. Because we've talked about the kind of sense of

deadness that sometimes comes through with you. I mean, Kathleen's complained about it a good deal.

Julian talked about it and Michelle talked about it, and I've told you that I sometimes experience it. That,

you know, you're polite, you do the right thing, but it's sort of like hey, is anybody home, really? You

know?

DAVID: Right, right.

MCGOLDRICK: And the way you've talked about your family seems similar, you know. I mean, from the

first time we talked about Diane, I could picture her. It's like, the juice was there, you know; that she

came alive.

DAVID: Right.

MCGOLDRICK: But in the several conversations we've had about your mother and your father, I never

really can picture them.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: It's a sign of real progress that David is able to hear these things from me,

but he's so passive and shut down about his history that I'm not able to get any traction with him.

MCGOLDRICK: And, I mean, maybe some part of your attraction to Diane was an attraction to--

DAVID: Right. I'm not sure how to answer that. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I just, uh, I remember my

childhood as a, as a, you know, a happy, pleasant childhood. I was very well provided for.

MCGOLDRICK: You know, that's what you always say, and everything. I mean, it's really, it's like, as many

times as we've been over this--

DAVID: Well, that's what I remember.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Perhaps we both left awkwardly here because of the uselessness of my

confrontation. I was seeking a way to get past his pat answers. Perhaps a better way would have been to

join with him and say something like, "Can we together look behind that happy childhood?"

DAVID: You know, I don't, uh. It's hard for me to remember. I mean, I, I.

MCGOLDRICK: Who's around now that you could ask? You don't. no, let's see. You're--

KATHLEEN: Your aunt. Your aunt.

MCGOLDRICK: Oh yeah, your mother's--

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: When a person is stuck like this, I find it useful to get new information

from other family members instead of just pressing him to try to push his way through his block.

KATHLEEN: --every year for you.

MCGOLDRICK: This is Aunt Nell?

DAVID: Well I don't know about that. See, I haven't seen her for many years. In fact, I think the last time

I saw her was at my mother's funeral.

MCGOLDRICK: Really?

DAVID: And we just, you know. I mean, we were never really close. Uh.

MCGOLDRICK: But I mean, come on now. She was your mother's twin sister.

DAVID: I know, but I'm not sure that they were close. I just don't remember that. I certainly wasn't close

to her, and I just think that at this late date it just would be pressing the issue to make contact with her.

MCGOLDRICK: Really? See, here's the thing. You've made good efforts. But still I get the feeling that

there's a kind of "stuckness" about this, that. I mean, I think men in our society are raised, in a way, to

be, to a certain degree, shut down. So I think it's also a gender issue. But beyond that, 'cause I think

you're very well intentioned, that you have been trying here, there's something that's keeping you from

getting in touch with yourself.

DAVID: The thing is, Monica, I have no idea of her state-of-mind at all, so I don't know if she wants me

there. I don't know whether she's even mentally all there at this point.

MCGOLDRICK: Well, you know, I don't know either. And that's possible that she'll just act like, you know,

sort of, who are you and why did you come? But I kind of doubt that, you know? And I even think it's

very possible that it's maybe just a hole in her heart that she doesn't have any contact with you. Because

she has no children other than you, you know?

MCGOLDRICK: I mean, it's possible, if you try, to talk to her.

DAVID: Right. Well, I'll call and see what happens.

MCGOLDRICK: Okay. Great.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Although he said he'd call, I had my doubts, and weeks went by with no

movement. When Kathleen began to express frustration about David's resistance, I shifted our focus to

the cutoff relationships in her own family, with her mother, brother, and stepfather, and she began to

work on them. While the spotlight was on Kathleen, David quietly went to see his Aunt Nell.

MCGOLDRICK: So, it took you three months, but you finally got to see Aunt Nell, eh?

DAVID: Yes, I finally saw her, and it was absolutely amazing.

MCGOLDRICK: Really?

DAVID: Yeah, I came back with this photo album--family photo album--

MCGOLDRICK: Really?

DAVID: --and also my mother's diaries we found, and I've got to tell you--

MCGOLDRICK: Oh my god. No kidding.

DAVID: And I've got to tell you, it was--

MCGOLDRICK: You knew about that?

DAVID: --it was not easy getting these things.

MCGOLDRICK: Did you know your mother--

DAVID: Yeah, I knew she had them.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: After experiencing David's flatness for so long, it was wonderful to see

him so energized.

DAVID: You know, she would smile, she would just sort of shrug her shoulders, and then she'd just offer

me some more iced tea. But the thing is, you know, like every other member of my family, she is very

polite, so she really couldn't refuse me when I asked, you know, to see these diaries and the photo

album. So, anyway, I got them.

MCGOLDRICK: Hmm. Wow. So what's in them?

DAVID: Well, the thing that's really amazing is--and it took a little bit of detective work, see, because my

mother's writing style is very indirect, you know; she sort of beats around the bush. And so, really, I sort

of perceived this more from indirection, from what she didn't say, than what she said. But it appeared to

me that my mother actually had an affair--

MCGOLDRICK: Wow.

DAVID: --with my father's best friend. See, my parents had these two friends, Bob and Sara, and, uh,

they were like, you know, they did everything together. They practically went out every Saturday night

to the club. They were members of this golf club. They golfed together. We went on a couple vacations

together. They had a son who was about my age. We were very close, too. Anyway, we did all these

things together, and in these diaries, up until, I don't know, I can't remember, June, July of like 1956,

over and over again there are things in the diary about, you know, Bob and Sara. We did this with Bob

and Sara, that with Bob and Sara, and so forth. Then all of a sudden it sort of just stops, but at the same

time, what I saw in the diary were these mysterious entries where my mother would say things like, "I

met 'B' today," uh, "I shouldn't be doing this with 'B'," and so forth, and at first I was kind of mystified,

and then it hit me. I remembered that when I was a kid, around the time. You know, I was going over to

their son's house all the time. We played together all the time. And all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to go

over there, and he wasn't allowed to come to our place. And my parents, like, they never mentioned

him ever again. And it was such a strange thing, you know, as a kid to experience this because I thought

there is something strange going on here but I don't know what it is. Nobody's talking.

MCGOLDRICK: Wow. Didn't you say that your mother had a couple of miscarriages just around that. I

mean, didn't you say that was around that same. You were eight or nine?

DAVID: What, you think there was a connection?

MCGOLDRICK: I don't know, uh. But it is a common thing for people to have affairs and to fall in love in

the wake of a loss, you know. That maybe it sort of reminds you that you're alive? I mean, I don't know,

but the timing seems striking to me. I don't know, what do you think?

DAVID: I think it's possible. I don't know. I just don't know. But the thing I kept going back to is I never

really had much feeling for my father, and, you know, he was kind of. well, he was this cold guy. And

actually I had two simultaneous feelings: On the one hand I felt kind of, um, I actually felt sort of like

compassion for myself as a little boy, you know what I mean? I mean, can you imagine living in a house

where no one is expressing their feelings or anything like that? Huh. The other thing.

MCGOLDRICK: What were you going to say?

DAVID: Well in a funny way, you know, I feel sorry for him now because I think that this, you know. He

did not have a lot of friends, I'll tell you. He had, uh. Well, as a matter of fact, Bob may have been his

only real friend, and all of a sudden he's having an affair with my mother, and I think that must have

been really hard for my father. And in a way it sort of explains how he drank himself to death, which,

you know, is the other thing. I think you may have been right. He may have been an alcoholic.

MCGOLDRICK: What do you think about that?

DAVID: Well, it's very sad, firstly. And I just want to make sure that that doesn't happen. I mean, I'm not

going to become an alcoholic, but I want to make sure that, when my kids look back on me, you know, I

want to make sure it's not, first of all, through many, many more years of therapy, and that they can

look at me, you know, and not think, "Gee, what a sad figure," you know, "my father was."

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: Four sessions later, the family and I felt that things were going well for all

of them, and that we would stop meeting for awhile. I suggested that we review the therapy to date,

and then look toward the future.

DAVID: I think for me, uh, the hardest problem was to see that the difficulties that we were having, and

what brought us to you in the first place, were not all of Michelle's making, but that to a very large

degree, they were my problems.

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-hmm. DAVID: And, uh, obviously I didn't see that at all when I came in here. So, that's

what I'd say.

MCGOLDRICK: Hmm. Not an easy thing for a man, especially, to say.

DAVID: No. Not easy to admit.

MICHELLE: Way to go, Dad.

MCGOLDRICK: No, I see that as a great strength to be able, also, to acknowledge your vulnerabilities,

you know? That's good. [to Kathleen] How about you?

KATHLEEN: Well, I was just sitting here thinking back that there was a time when I actually think I hated

you. I hated you too, and you too. I think I was just going to take Jade and maybe leave.

DAVID: Huh.

MCGOLDRICK: The moment I thought you probably hated me the most was the day when I told you that,

if it was okay with you, I wanted to meet with Julian, Michelle, and David without you. Was I right?

KATHLEEN: Yeah, that was terrible.

MCGOLDRICK: How about you?

MICHELLE: How about me? Um, the hardest thing?

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. MICHELLE: I just, you know, talking about. talking about my mom's death.

Talking about my grandmother's death, because, you know, it was kind of hard. It still is.

MCGOLDRICK: Um-hmm. And that's because it's hard. It is hard, you know? So now, what about things

down the road, because, you know, therapy is just, hopefully, a very small part of a very large story, your

set of stories. What may happen that, where you might get stuck that you need to be prepared for?

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: I think it's a good idea to help people anticipate problems down the road

so that they're not caught off guard if things do go wrong.

MICHELLE: --homework assignment, and I know for me, when school's out, I'll say yeah, we'll have a..

the English teacher will give us a summer reading lesson, and I'll say, "Yeah, I'll read them all." But if

there's no teacher there to say, "Read your books," I'll start page one, some good TV show will come up,

and then I'll put it down.

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm. MICHELLE: So maybe I'm kind of afraid that something like that will

happen, too, you know?

MCGOLDRICK: Uh-hmm. Well, now supposing that happens? Would you feel okay about saying, "Okay,

let's go back and see Monica?"

MICHELLE: I think so.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah? That's good.

KATHLEEN: Oh, Monica, by the way, I forgot to tell you: We're going to Florida!

MCGOLDRICK: Oh, you're kidding!

KATHLEEN: Yes, the whole family is going, and we're going to see Matthew, and we're going to see

Ethan.

MCGOLDRICK: Whoa, that's great! That was on my wish list for you. I was going to just tell you now my

wish list, though my wish list is that you would go from Florida over to Puerto Rico-- David and

KATHLEEN: Oh.

MCGOLDRICK: --and check out that part of the heritage.

DAVID: I think we could do that.

MCGOLDRICK: Yeah?

KATHLEEN: That would be great.

MCGOLDRICK: And secondly, that you would find a way to include your Aunt Nell so that your kids can

meet her and hear her stories and see who she is, and they can know her.

DAVID: Right. Well that I don't think we can do. No, I'm kidding. [laughter]

MCGOLDRICK: I knew you wouldn't be that easy. And then that you [Michelle] will become a playwright

and live out your mother's dream.

DAVID: Ah--

MCGOLDRICK: And that your mother's spirit is watching us. She's been watching over this whole

therapy.

MICHELLE: And how about I'm going to NYU? I'm going to NYU.

MCGOLDRICK: And that's good, too. That's good too.

KATHLEEN: And I'm looking at you wearing a dress.

MCGOLDRICK COMMENTARY: When I met with the family six months later, it was clear that they were

continuing the work they had done in therapy. Their trip to Puerto Rico and Florida had been very

meaningful for all of them, especially Kathleen, who had found with her brother a special affinity that

she never realized she was missing or was possible between the two of them. Michelle was continuing

to do well in school, David was continuing to participate in setting limits on her, even though Kathleen

felt he could do a better job at that. Interestingly, Kathleen seems to be beginning to find her own voice.

She's been thinking about taking a real estate course, and not surprisingly, David is less than enthusiastic

about this. I kind of jokingly suggested at some point they may want to come in and discuss that,

especially so that David could get a booster shot about that, because I think that's going to be a really

hard time for him. I think that kind of serious renegotiation of the gender balance of marriage is a very

hard time for all couples. What I do think is that the work that they've done in therapy--to really think

who they are and what their connections to their pasts mean to them--is going to make it easier,

because it's that getting in touch with the connectedness, to the losses, to those who've come before,

that really make us able to love each other. All of these connections are sacred, and it's really that which

gets us through life.