Extended Definition - Final Draft (ENGL1013 Eng. Comp)

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General Comment: You have some good information to work with in your draft. You just need to make revisions to improve organization/structure and present the topic in a more clearly organized way. The main issue that needs to be addressed relates to how you are presenting the research and crediting sources with in-text citations. Instead of throwing all the research in at the end, work it in throughout the paper and credit sources with in-text citations throughout the body. This will necessitate that you revise the conclusion to more effectively bring the paper to a close (see comments below). Also, avoid making the topic personal since the definition should be based on research not personal experience/narrative writing. I also noted proofreading/editing needs along with formatting issues relating to your in-text citations, works cited page entries, and the images. Content/Development Feedback: *Since this is a research paper/definition based on research, try to remove yourself from the paper in the first paragraph. You can refer to childhood poverty families with examples based on research instead of personal examples. Making it personal makes the paper too narrative. Also, in the introduction, you do not have to refer to the two images directly. Incorporate them into the paper where they best fit visually so that they make sense without referring to them directly. Also, if you want to use two different images, do not put them side-by-side. Position them in separate places within the paper. *Beginning of 2nd paragraph 2nd sentence reword for clarity/conciseness. Example: This means that they.... *Instead of working in your research into the paper throughout the body, you tried to throw it all in at the end. The research should be discussed/included within the body paragraphs so that the topic is supported throughout by research information. The conclusion needs to be revised so that it is more of a conclusion and the research is presented throughout the paper in a more balanced way to support your main points. *I believe the above issue is why you do not have any in-text citations crediting sources for research until the last paragraph. It seems that you are discussing research to a certain extent, though, so you need to add in-text citations wherever you refer to research information whether summarized, paraphrased, or quoted. Once you revise the conclusion and distribute the research in a more balanced way, hopefully, the in-text citations will also be more effectively incorporated. *Related to the previous point, the final paragraph needs to be broken into two paragraphs to improve organization/structure by having a clear conclusion separate from the research, OR perhaps the research portions will be repositioned into other paragraphs. Either way, the conclusion needs to be more clearly set apart from the research/body. Grammar/Mechanics Feedback: *Add comma for introductory phrase in 1st paragraph 2nd sentence: In most cases, poverty... Also, in same sentence, put commas around "precisely money" because it is an inserted phrase: ...possessions, precisely money, because... *Last sentence 2nd paragraph change into to in. *In 1st sentence 3rd paragraph, using both also and another is redundant. Delete one. *Proofread throughout for sentence structure and clarity/conciseness and other minor errors. Formatting Feedback: *In-text citations should be the first part of the way the works cited entry is formatted in the works cited page. In your works cited page, you just listed the URL's/links. These are not MLA formatted citations that include the source information. You need to refer to MLA resources in Canvas to format your citations correctly. It will also help if you look at the sample papers in Canvas to visualize how a works cited page should look and be formatted. *The alt text included for the images should not just be the links to the images. You should describe the image in a sentence in the alt text. *Missing header at right margin with last name and page number.