final draft

Areas to build on strengths: 1) In your support of Amber’s courage for overcoming this incident maybe provide some in text quotes from her character development 2) Maybe elaborate some more on what consent can mean to different people and why it is important 3) Also provide more information on how Amber’s oppression that she faces as a woman in a situation like this Areas of improvement: 1) To use stronger evidence pulled from source material as to why Tom’s traits show how impulsive he is with women (lines from the character dialogue) 2) Organization in essay structure: intro, body paragraphs and transitions between paragraphs regarding the theme/topic. 3) At the end of your paper discuss if you have biased opinions that affect your decision on why Tom is responsible for sexual assault Opposing viewpoint to consider: How Tom’s race and gender affect these allegations being made against him and how it can be life altering. Amber is not a perfect human either and there are some instances where she is just as guilty as Tom

Connie Diep , Feb 7 at 1:53pm

Hi Maston, I think you have a very strong stance on where you stand on in this situation. That is good because it allows for you to make a good argument for it. However, there are some statements you've made that counters your own claims, as highlighted in the in-line comments. You've made good strong claims, however a way to better support those claims, you'll need to provide strong factual evidence from the book in order to create a more persuasive argument. There seems to be a pattern of redundance throughout the essay. As a reader I would often get confused because I had just read a very similar line. This made me thought maybe I'm reading the same line again? So I'd go back and forth which threw me off the flow and lost track of the argument being made. You've made very strong and compelling claims/statements, so if you could find evidence to back them up, your argument would be hard to refute. If I had to choose a main point of your to argue, it would be your claim that Amber was sexually assaulted because Tom never received any consent. I don't think this is true because I think that Amber has given consent. Her verbal consent might not be as clear but her actions says it all. She has done numerous things that gives off signs of her wanting Tom. Things such as taking her shirt off, getting him drunk so he wouldn't leave the party, and her grabbing his hand and guiding him out to go somewhere. That aside, you have good points, you just need to better support your points. Also, keep in mind that rephrasing some of your sentences so that it wouldn't come off as repetitive would help the reader follow along easier.