Two essays peer reviews

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Parenting:Not a Battle of the Sexes

I’m sure it comes as no surprise when I say our society views men as a whole as the less of the two options of parents when comparing quality of parenting. For many years men have been the ones that are supposed to go out and work to “bring home the bacon” and the women have been expected to stay home, clean the house and tend to the children (and all the duties that comes with them). As things developed in the world women needed to go to work to help with war efforts and then they wanted to go to work even after that time was over. With women working it we could assume that the home life responsibilities would be then shared but that’s where we would be wrong. Men continued to work and while they did have their home chores and “honey-do lists” they still were not expected to tend to the children. Many children thought of their father as the disciplinary force and he only stepped in when you were too out of line. This may all see very out of date, and I agree, it is; but this way of life still has a lasting effect on who we are and how our family dynamic plays out to this day.

Growing up I lived that very picture I painted just above, my father, a farmer and truck driver worked long hours 6 days a week. My mother, a manager at a factory worked a routine 40-50-hour week Monday through Friday, she also was raised in a similar fashion to how I was raised -- thus we see how these family dynamics trickle down and only change slowly, very slowly. I remember my mother being the one that would have to leave work to come pick us kids up if we were sent home from school sick, she was the one that arranged and made sure we made it to the dentist’s office, and even the chef of the house were just a few hats she wore daily. I guess the best title in addition to mom would be the personal coordinator to 6 children if you will. I say all of these things to make sure you know just how much I saw my mother and other mothers do and also to point out that this is not an essay on me trying to bring mothers down in order to build fathers up. I have a great deal of respect for women and all they can do but I feel that a key instinct in men gets pushed aside (and often times ignored all together) and that is the desire to be a good father and a nurturing one at that.

All too often men are looked at as macho and if they share any feelings other than rage, anger, or competitiveness they are seen as weak. Now I know you’re probably thinking, Erik, its 2019 no one feels that way anymore, but I beg to differ. I also feel that it’s the reverse situation with women, if they are angry, or competitive they are perceived as emotional or pushy. But the other side of those stereotypes is that women are seen as nurturing and the best care-givers, and frequently denied roles that society has deemed masculine. This is also why nursing careers for example have a female population of 91% and only 9% male. Now you can hopefully see the picture I’m painting here; Men and women have been labeled and placed in boxes for many years but what about the men and women who are LGBT? What box are we supposed to go in as parents? Should we even be allowed to become parents if we aren’t in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex? You see, it’s never as simple as just two categories and that’s what I hope to prove to you with this essay.

As much as I’d love to jump right in to talking about LGBT parents I think its best we first address the differences in men and women as parents. Some studies are harder to find than others but there is quite a bit of research on single-parents both men and women. I find these studies to be helpful in differentiating men and women as parents based on education, income and age. These are the standards at which we decide how well someone may live and make responsible decisions. For example, studies show that the higher your education the less likely you are to commit a felony. According to the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) article Five Facts About Single Fathers, “Single fathers are slightly more likely to have at least a bachelor’s degree than single mothers (23% vs. 18%) and to have graduated high school.” Another article from the same source titled How Education Influences Our Experience of Parenting, “better-educated parents feel the least stress. By all three measures (time strain, autonomy and juggling responsibilities), the least-educated parents struggle the most.” But researchers Nomaguchi and Brown found that these less educated mothers “gain more life meaning from their children.” We have addressed education, now to address age and income.

According to the article from above, Five Facts About Single Fathers from IFS, “the median- adjusted annual income for a single dad with two children is $40,000, compared to $26,000 for a single mom with two children.” Also “the share of children living in poverty is about twice as high among those living with single mothers as those living with single fathers.” I feel this has large in part to do with the education differences in single fathers and single mothers but also the wage gap as well. Further research showed that the median age for single parents (both mothers and fathers) was 30-39 with very little percentage difference between the two. These numbers prove that single mothers and single fathers differ in education levels and income levels but are typically in the same age range. To me that says that we have a socioeconomic issue (wage gap and access to higher education) than it does about parenting abilities in either gender. If this is truly the case then why is there still a stigma on men as adequate parents? Why is it so hard to become a parent if you are gay/lesbian and if you are able to why do individuals question your ability to be successful? I have found a few studies with more information on gay/lesbian parents, the ways they become parents and the different effects the children have had.

In a study done in Italy where lesbian mothers, gay fathers and heterosexual parents were given surveys along with their children and teachers. One finding reported that “lesbian mothers are just as likely to have good mental health and positive relationships with their children as are heterosexual mothers, and that their children are no more likely to show emotional and behavioral difficulties, or poor performance at school … than are children with heterosexual parents.” I could leave it at that, but I feel the judgement on gay and lesbian parents goes deeper than how do the children act in public because they have two moms or two dads. Critics want to know if the children will be sad without a mother in a home with two fathers or lost without a father in a home of two moms. They want to make sure that long term if the children are raised in a home where they don’t know how they were conceived or who carried them in their belly, etc. This same study researched these concerned and came up with interesting results in all areas.

When it came to gay men as parents the study made note that “gay fathers hold a multi-minority status as both gay in the heterosexual parenting community and as fathers in the gay community. This makes their parenthood more challenging than that of lesbian mothers and leaves them more susceptible to greater negative societal attitudes.” This to me – as a gay man- isn’t a surprise because gay men have been judged for being gay for a long time and that judgement wasn’t going to ignore or turn a blind eye to us being parents. Judgement is most likely a large reason becoming a father in the gay community isn’t a more common occurrence. While same-sex parents are used to being judged or starred at in public, children (no matter their parents sexual orientation) are not as capable to ignore these impolite gestures or remarks. According to the study “children with same-sex parents are more likely to display difficulties in psychological development due to perceived stigma toward their parents and because parental competencies are likely also affected by stigmatization, this scenario is expected.” If that is not a call to action, I don’t know what it will take for individuals to be more kind. Stigmatization is not the only way that children are made to feel uncomfortable, it could be the unknown (egg donor, sperm donor, or even the surrogate), the local and federal laws or just feeling like they aren’t connected to one parent as much as the other.

“The frequency and pathways by which gay men are becoming fathers is changing, but barriers and stigma remain. Structural stigma reflected in state laws and the beliefs of religious communities affect gay fathers’ experiences in multiple social contexts” as said in a journal posted by The American Academy of Pediatrics in February of 2019. The study gathered data via survey and received 732 complete responses from 47 states. Numbers from their data include: “In total, 732 fathers reported on 1316 children, with an average age of 13.4 years (916 were less than 18 years old). With an anonymous survey, we cannot know whether respondents were partners or reporting on the same children. The majority (81.3%) of respondents were white and non-Hispanic; 64.2% had earned a bachelor’s degree or higher. Household income ranged from less than $25 thousand to more than $200 thousand. Over 80% had a male partner, and only 2.5% had a female partner.” I included these numbers to inform my readers about who the study covered to verify the statistics given were almost completely from gay men. That study also included “gay men report suspicion and criticism for their decision to be parents from gay friends who have not chosen parenthood, barriers in the adoption process, and isolation in their parental role” and that “Gay fathers have to contend with the still-prevalent belief that children need a mother to thrive and stereotypes associated with gay men as frivolous, unstable, and unfit parents.” I know I’m stating what I’ve said before, but these quotes are from a study and not just my own personal feelings. In the next study I found parents were interviewed along with their children of various ages between the ages of 6-12 years old.

In this is study published by Oxford in December of 2017, 24 families (two fathers) were interviewed. The families were chosen because they had in one way or another interacted with gestational surrogacy. This meant that they had a surrogate and an egg as well. According to this study --and I’m sure many others-- “One of the main concerns regarding gay father surrogacy families pertains to the surrogate–child relationship, as it is assumed that the child may view the surrogate as a mother and suffer when there is no relationship—or one that is limited by physical distance.” The Italian study seeks to find out just how this works and how the children feel if and when they know about how they were conceptualized. I find this study’s location to be intriguing as surrogacy is illegal in Italy and participants that want to use surrogacy, must travel to another county such as the U.S.. The study shows that 97.5% of the surrogates were not previously known while the remaining 2.5% was the non-genetic father’s sister; 67.5% used and agency, 30% used online advertisement(blogs, Facebook, etc.), and the remaining 2.5% was the gamily member mentioned previously; None of the egg donors were previously known with 72.5% having an open-identity status(willing to meet) and 27.5% had little to no chance of meeting or contact. Now that we know statistically how the families came about a few of their preferences let’s get into if they really stayed in contact or if they never met. One father stated “Probably three years ago […] She and her husband came to our house in [place name] to know the child. He was almost 5, he was old enough to be able to interact a bit with them” when referring to if the child had met the surrogate since being born, accounting for 75% of the families interviewed.

When asked about how or if they had disclosed the process to their child or children the fathers had a couple different answers with the majority (85%) having already started the process. 79% of the fathers have explained to their children that they were carried in [insert surrogate name]’s belly and that she “helped them”. Which goes hand in hand with 85.3% of dads explaining that “two dads need help to have a baby”. The most controversial question to me from the study was if they plan to share whose sperm was used, 35% said they were unsure/if the child asks they will talk about it. To me that may cause an issue but maybe that’s just the way it needs to be, if he or she doesn’t care then does it really matter to tell them? Next the article addresses the children and asks a series of questions like: if they remember being told, to which 77.4% remembered and 22.6% did not; how they responded to being told, where majority positive or had limited interest in the conversation. Majority (67.7%) of the kids stated that they only discuss their situation with friends when asked about it, as opposed to the 25.8% that never talk about it with their friends (reasons not mentioned). When asked about their current feelings 61.3% had limited interest. One 11-year-old boy even stated rather positively “I’m a special boy […] I’ve two daddies, and I came out from the belly of [surrogate’s] name who is not my mum. Everyone comes out from his mother’s belly, but not me. That’s incredible!” Now if that’s not an incredible example of how great kids can be because of having same sex parents I don’t know what is.

The last questions the kids were asked were feelings based and if they had any questions about how the process worked. Th first question was how they felt about their surrogate and egg donor, majority (71%) replied with some version of gratitude toward their surrogate while only 40% mentioned any gratitude for their egg donor (remember moat don’t have a relationship with her). 17 of the children mentioned, when asked how they define their surrogate, as auntie or family friend that’s 54.5% of the children asked. While majority of the children did ask questions about the surrogates life only few asked about the egg donors life, 51.6% vs. 20%. Lastly when asked about the motive of the egg donor and surrogate, the children mostly felt the same about both saying that 61.3% of surrogates and 68% of egg donors just wanted to help create a family.

The feeling of being inadequate for any goal based on judgement, stigma and barriers placed in front of you is often heart breaking. Let alone the dream of becoming a parent or trying to be the best parent you can be. The effects on children, as we read before, can be minor or insignificant at best or even detrimental at worst. I’m not sure why individuals feel the need to discourage others becoming or as parents already, simply because they are gay or lesbian, when all they want is to leave a positive legacy behind. My hope it that we can all look at this world a little more like the children from the last study did. The majority of these children were informed about how they were brought into this world (knowing they would figure it out later, what parent wouldn’t explain it early?) yet very few-2 to be exact and only towards the egg donor- showed any anger. My point with all of the information and statistics shared is to help those who aren’t sold on the idea of men or gay men in particular becoming parents to rethink your reasoning. It’s clear that men have the ability to provide financially for children, the want to be a parent and teach them life skills, but mostly the love and desire to help make them the people our nation needs for the next generation to succeed. So, my call to action for you is to work together or help any and all parents, it’s not our responsibility to say who should and should not be a parent. If you see an individual struggling with a child at the store give them a smile or other kind gesture to let them know you see it’s not easy but remind them that they aren’t being judged no matter their gender or perceived sexual orientation. None of us are getting out of this life alive so, why not work together to make our time here more enjoyable?!

Work Cited

Carone, et al. “Surrogacy Families Headed by Gay Men: Relationships with Surrogates and Egg Donors, Fathers' Decisions over Disclosure and Children's Views on Their Surrogacy Origins.” OUP Academic, Oxford University Press, 11 Dec. 2017, academic.oup.com/humrep/article/33/2/248/4719466.

Carone, Nicola, et al. Italian Gay Father Families Formed by Surrogacy: Parenting, Stigmatization, and Children’s Psychological Adjustment. US : American Psychological Association, 24 Apr. 2018, dx.doi.org.ccsf.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/dev0000571 .

ElHage, Alysse. “Five Facts About Today's Single Fathers.” Institute for Family Studies, 5 Dec. 2017, ifstudies.org/blog/five-facts-about-todays-single-fathers.

Livingston, Gretchen. “The Rise of Single Fathers.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, 2 July 2013, www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/07/02/the-rise-of-single-fathers/.

Perrin, Ellen, et al. “Barriers and Stigma Experienced by Gay Fathers and Their Children.” American Academy of Pediatrics News and Journals Gateway, Feb. 2019, pediatrics-aappublications-org.ccsf.idm.oclc.org/content/143/2/e20180683.

Sutherland, Anna. “How Education Influences Our Experience of Parenting.” Institute for Family Studies, 5 Jan. 2016, ifstudies.org/blog/how-education-influences-our-experience-of-parenting.

U.S., Census Bureau. “Male Nursing Statistics.” Fastaff Travel Nursing, 9 Feb. 2016, www.fastaff.com/blog/male-nursing-statistics.