Revised Essay 2 Draft base on my professor comment.

Deng 1

Rui Deng

Professor Bowe

English 1005B, Section 15

2/18/2021

My Community, My Memory

What does your community mean to you? Have you ever thought about this question?

For me, my community means so much that I can flashback my whole memory. Ever since I

grew up in China, Canton that's my first community. After that, I moved to the United States

When I was 15 years old. My first community is a big, fancy city that stands in the southern part

of China. I have spent almost 16 years living there with my parents. The reason I pick my

hometown as my community is because it shapes my personality. People in my community

shape my personality the most.

Back when I was still in Canton, my parents asked me if I could go to America. The first

thought thru my head was "no," not because I do not like America, and I can not leave my

community. I still remember the alley that I lived in when I was a little boy. My grandma would

wash vegetables outside the house and have a small chair sitting next to the door. Grandpa

watches TV while I do my homework on the dining table; my older cousin came downstairs and

helped me with my elementary school homework. They would tell me to wash my hands before

the meal. Grandma often makes some healthy Chinese soup while my cousin teaches me my

homework. I spend most of my little boy's time with my grandparents and my cousin because my

parents work out of town. Those are the essential memories for my community and me. Those

tiny, unforgettable memories shape my personality profoundly and teach me how to be a better

boy.

Commented [BME1]: Watch paragraph settings- delete extra spaces after paragraphs (put to 0 pt).

Deleted: Cal State LA¶ English 1005B¶

Commented [BME2]: Great title!

Commented [BME3]: Nice hook too!

Commented [BME4]: Let’s watch this phrasing since these two terms don’t normally go together. “Flashback to specific memories” or “remember everything” could work! [diction/ style] When I studied French, if I wasn’t sure of phrasing I would google it in “quotes.” If the phrase was used a lot then I knew it was a common usage, but if I didn’t find it a lot I would try another combination of words instead.

Commented [BME5]: Great background for the hypothetical reader about your community! Since you are no longer there, though, let’s use the simple past tense to talk about it (I spent). [verb tense/ grammar]

Commented [BME6]: Hint at thesis 1—no clear Thesis 1 yet.

Commented [BME7]: Informal [style]

Deleted: the

Commented [BME8]: Since vegetable are a non-count noun, no “the” is needed before them. I have a worksheet about this if you’d like to see more about it, just let me know! [style/grammar]

Commented [BME9]: Verb tense [vt]- let’s watch in this story too

Commented [BME10]: Thesis 1, good! Can you add in paragraphs to show how you are a better person because of this experience to help prove this claim? Let’s add details and “little stories,” like you do in this paragraph, to prove this claim! [develop/ logos]

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"My soul is in the streets of Buenos Aires" this phase sentence comes from Jorge Luis

Borges' poem. It refers to my community as my soul is in the street of Canton. The street that I

live in Canton is called QiXing Street. I live in the middle of the street, and it has plenty of old

houses sit next to and next. People in this street know each other for a long time. They often talk

about daily updates such as how much the price for the supermarket. You will feel like the whole

street represents a group of spirit and shows everyone's personality. As my personality also refers

to how my soul is.

If I choose to stay in my community for the rest of my life, will my identity be different?

I always think about this question while I am in Los Angeles. My parents tell me they want me to

have a better education, so that is why they chose to take me here. However, if I stay there, can I

benefit my family or myself? "I can say I am mad, and I hate everything, but nothing changes

until I change myself. So no matter how much bullshit we've been through as a community, I'm

strong enough to say 'fuck that' and acknowledge myself and my own struggle" (cite). It is a

conversation while they asked Kendrick Lamar from Three Articles and Their Neighborhoods.

Although my community is not that challenging as Kendrick Lamar's, I realize you have to

strong enough to face every situation to have the power to challenge more in the future. Kendrick

Lamar uses his music to write about his neighborhood youth life and try to change his

community's challenging situation. However, I hope to gain more knowledge outside of my

small warm community and benefit my street and my family in the future.

After all those memories and connections with my community, I am aware that my

community shapes my identity. My community of people shapes me a lot, and it shapes me to

have a satisfactory manner. Grandparents teach me well with their regular daily pieces of stuff,

and it means more than just family for me. They are the cultures that I should keep up with and

Commented [BME11]: Can you develop a small quote sandwich here so readers can understand this quote? See the quote sandwich worksheet on our Week 5-1 module to help with this! [develop/ logos]

Commented [BME12]: Since this paragraph describes the area you lived in physically, it seems like more background information to show readers what Canton is like. Could background information be more helpful to readers earlier in the paper? [organization]

Deleted: .

Commented [BME13]: Great quote and connection! Can you reorganize it into a quote sandwich with a top bun first so readers can understand the quote? [organization/ logos]

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pass more forward in the future. I feel that my community of people and cultures defines me, and

I hope I could consist of it and expand those nice and kind spirits to my spouse in the future.

Overall, people in each of their communities could shape their identities differently. You

could realize even my community is nothing special, but somehow it shapes me into a unique

person. Every person should have their unique identity even though they live in the same

community. "We've been in Compton before," rapper Eminem, who's collaborated and toured

with Lamar, told the New York Times. "But the way that Kendrick did it was so different. ... The

album is crafted from front to back, the way each song ties into each other — to me that's

genius." (Three Articles and Their Neighborhoods) When they asked rapper Eminem, he

admitted even they have been thru the same community with Kendrick Lamar, but Lamar still

has the best performance on his music. It does not matter what community you live in, but the

most important thing is how you can absorb from your community and contribute to your

community in the future.

Rui, I’m glad you found the topic interesting! So far this is an interesting read for readers too!

There’s a lot of great background and information about your community, and you have some great quotes to connect to from this unit!

Let’s watch Thesis 1 and 2, as noted in the comments. Rather than the general idea for Thesis 1 at the beginning, let’s make a specific Thesis 1 that includes the later ideas about your identity (see the note at the bottom of page 1). Then, let’s add in more details, examples, and “little stories” (see the Developing an Essay handout for examples of these on the Helpful Information module) in body paragraphs to prove this claim! Let’s also watch Thesis 2 a bit since the community is Canton and it changes to a slightly different idea there.

Aside from the thesis, let’s watch organization at times and add in full quote sandwiches for sources including Always Running since that is required. As for grammar, that’s looking great! I added some notes about large grammar areas to watch out for and we can discuss grammar as well as these other ideas during office hours together! Stay in touch if you’d like help revising and let’s add to what’s here and connect it back to the specific thesis!

Commented [BME14]: Ahh, this clarifies the Thesis 1 you had earlier. Instead of the general thesis earlier, could it be helpful to add this at the end of the introduction to help readers understand the ideas in the body paragraphs more? [organization] Let’s also watch the parts of identity- earlier it is they “made you a better boy” and here it’s “shapes me to have a satisfactory manner” because they are teaching “the cultures that I should keep up with and pass more forward in the future.” Let’s try to connect these ideas together into one overall Thesis 1 statement that the body paragraphs will show. They connect! Let’s just make that clearer to readers who might think they’re different. [thesis]

Commented [BME15]: Thesis 2- Let’s watch this since Canton is the community mentioned earlier [tehsis]

Commented [BME16]: This is a great quote! Since it is a new idea from one of our readings, though, let’s make it a quote sandwich so readers can get it. And, since we don’t want new ideas in the conclusion, let’s put this in a body paragraph instead [organization]

Commented [BME17]: Really effective concluding ideas that connect well to readers! See the conclusion workshop on our Helpful Information module if you’d like more concluding ideas, though! [organization]

Formatted: Line spacing: single

Deng 4

References

The Streets Poem by Luis J. Rodriguez

Three Articles and Their Neighborhoods Kendrick Lamar The Story Behind How Kendrick

Lamar Became the King of West Coast Rap By Tom Barnes May 27, 2015 Source:

https://mic.com/articles/119372/the-story-behind-how-kendrick-lamar-became-the-king-of-west-coast-

rap#.JAizuYOHs

Commented [BME18]: We will make a Works Cited page later in the semester using MLA format!