Review and Feedback

Peterson ENGL 235

Final Report Peer Review Sheet Technical Writing Quality How well does this report achieve the following:

✓ meets purpose of assignment? effectively engages a professional audience? employs varied sentence structures for style and college-level reader interest? exhibits a precise and sophisticated vocabulary? all sentences are factual, active, clear, concise, and specific? Comments: Your report definitely meets the purpose of the assignment. You picked an interesting topic and argued for why Initech should invest in that technology. However, your

writing needs some editing before I think you should turn it in. This is why I don’t check the last

four boxes. First, you should proof read your report. I found more than a couple misused words

and spelling mistakes, which is a big deal for a professional audience. Second, you should vary

your transition words, I noticed that you used ‘moreover’ a lot. Lastly, some of your sentences,

while factual, are worded in a confusing way. I would recommend reading them out loud to

yourself and/or someone else if you can’t figure it out in your head, it will help wonders. ✓remains focused on the central research question(s) throughout in an immediately recognizable way? ✓shows mastery of the narrowed topic and articulates its complexities? ✓presents a logical progression of ideas based on the topic? ✓maintains focus within each paragraph? uses highly effective subheadings? provides clear and directive topic sentences and sophisticated transitions within and between paragraphs? ✓includes logical paragraph breaks? Comments: Your report stays on topic and has clearly defined sections and breaks. I can see that you understand the topic well and have a lot to say, which is good. To improve, though, you

should consider different transitions and subheadings. Some of your transitions don’t make sense,

it feels like the topic sentence is about something entirely different than the paragraph. Similarly,

your subheadings don’t always match up with the content either.

does not display any serious patterns of error? ✓maintains a consistent point of view and appropriate verb tense? contains very few mistakes of syntax, grammar, and punctuation, and none that interfere with meaning?

Comments: One of the biggest issues with your report is grammar, syntax, and punctuation. You do maintain a consistent point of view, but many of the mistakes either completely change the

meaning of a sentence or distract the reader. Again, you should read your report carefully to spot

the mistakes and fix them before you submit your final paper.

Formatting and Visuals Use How well does this report achieve the following:

Peterson ENGL 235

✓correctly uses MLA, APA, or IEEE standards for page layout? design choices in page layout enhance reader understanding? all visuals are accompanied by MLA, APA, or IEEE formatted captions? ✓all visuals are clearly linked to the text? Comments: Your visuals are good, and you have a clear link to the text. However, you don’t use any kind of MLA, APA, or IEEE captions. You have “figure 1,” but no source. Also, you need 1 more visual you created yourself. From the rubric, there is a required 4 visuals, two of which need to be original, and the other two can be copy-pasted. Lastly, you do have the correct formatting in your front and end matter, and correct headers, so good job.

Research Use How well does this report achieve the following: thoroughly supports and develops the topic using relevant, credible, and richly varied sources? synthesizes relevant source support through effective interpretation and analysis? consistently uses an appropriate balance of analysis, summary, paraphrase, and quotation? considers and convincingly responds to varying claims? consistently introduces source material with varied and effective signal phrasing? ✓maintains strict ethical standards and avoids plagiarism through correct and precise paraphrasing, use of quotation marks, in-text citations and an MLA Works Cited, APA, or IEEE References page? Comments: Even though it may be difficult to find research in the VR industry, your paper would really benefit from it. First, the source you have now is questionable, because you don’t

explain why it’s important. You have a graph, which shows that 78% of women feel VR motion

sickness, compared to 33% in men. This is a great statistic, but why is it important? Is it a

downside? Right now, that statistic is pretty huge, and as a reader, it seems like a flaw, something

that would make me not want to invest. Can you connect it to other research? For example, you

could pair it to some research on gender in gaming, and argue that, since more males are

interested in gaming than females, it’s not a big deal. That would add credibility to your report,

substance, and improve your argument. Another thing, you don’t explain the research. I’m left

with many questions: Who did this study? Why? What university? Did they find anything else?

There’s many other questions that need to be answered when you bring up a study, and it only

takes a paragraph answer them.

Overall Impressions How persuasive did you find the recommendations made by this report?

• Right now, on a scale of 1-10, it’s around a 5, but it has a potential to be a 9 or

Peterson ENGL 235

10 I think. Solely from personal knowledge, I know that VR is in many ways the next step for gaming and even entertainment, so there are tons of arguments and recommendations you can make, it’s really an open field. With that being said, I think your recommendations didn’t summarize the importance and magnitude of VR. Your argument is mostly just Facebook investing, which is a good start, but you should add more. You even say, “This is a good opportunity for investment considering the advantages.” What advantages?! This is exactly where you talk about the advantages to VR, and why it’s such an amazing opportunity. Your recommendation is only a couple sentences, you should elaborate and make it a long paragraph, or a couple short paragraphs.

Note at least 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses below:

• Strengths o Interesting Topic o Knowledgeable about topic o Spot-on formatting

• Weaknesses o Many grammatical errors and sentences that don’t make sense o Research is weak and feels irrelevant o No in-text citations