Braving Wilderness Replies

 In order to advance how we engage in potential or real conflict situations, we should try on the other party’s point of view, invent win-win agreements, and insist on using objective criteria. Lederach points out that conflict is “normal in human relationships, and conflict is a motor of change” (Lederach 4). This distinction is important to note because too often, we tend to use the terms “conflict resolution” or “conflict management” (Lederach 4). These terms give conflict a negative connotation, and when we view conflict with negativity it leads to frustration and resentment. Lederach is pointing out that conflict is part of the process of growth and brings progress rather than stunting progress. If we agreed all the time, we would never find new ways or better methods. 

   For instance, if my brother chooses to argue with me regarding our plans for the day, it may come across with negativity. In the past he has asked, “why don’t we just do [this] instead?” He definitely has a little teenage attitude when he asks the question this way, but I try to remember that he may actually have a point. I try to step into his shoes and try on his point of view. What I usually find is that his attitude has nothing to do with the day’s plans, but more to do with some other frustration that he is projecting into whatever the current situation is. I can then choose to argue with him which will result in more irritation between us, or I can remember that he is my brother and I love him and want to make him happy. I then find a solution that works for both of us, or a win-win agreement. If that still doesn’t work, then I apply to logical, objective criteria. I can tell him, “I’m sorry that we don’t have time for this Jamie, but if you want to do this tomorrow, then we absolutely can and we can do [x,y, and z] today.” In this way, he understands that I am not just telling him “no” to be bossy or mean, but I have a reason and I really do want him to be happy with what I can give at the time. 

   This example is important to me because my closest familial relationship lies between my brother and I. We have a sense of belonging that I will protect, and throughout the years I have noticed that this method of engaging in conflict works particularly well when we’re having a little sibling quarrel. In “Belonging, Courage, & Constructive Conversation, Brene Brown asks, “what does true belonging mean?...What does it mean to belong?” (“Belonging”). Sometimes, people are afraid to disagree because they believe that with dissension comes a parting of the ways. However, Brown argues that “True belonging is a spiritual practice [...] it’s about the ability to find the sacredness in both being a part of something, but also the courage to stand alone” (“Belonging”).

For me personally and as discussed in my Conflict Assessment Brief, I can at times be avoidant when I am dreading dealing with a conflict. However, Brown argues that “Action is the ultimate arbiter of your success” (“Living a Courageous Life”). It is important for me to remember that if I do not engage in conflict, then the other party may think that I don’t care or want to hear them out. In the past when dealing with little brothers, I have just not had the energy to get involved in a discussion about why they are feeling frustrated. With a few years or experience to look back on now, I realize that it probably appeared to them that I didn’t care to hear them out. It is furthermore against God’s wishes to pay little or no attention to your siblings. He says in Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and reconcile to them; then come and offer your gift” (Holy Bible).

   Perhaps the most admirable action to take when dealing with conflict is being able to bounce back up when you have made a mistake, and having the courage to admit that you were wrong. Brene Brown says, “because we don’t teach people how to rise, they never take the leap” (“Living a Courageous Life”).  People don’t know how to get back up after failure and disappointment. She responds, “I have a lot of bounce [...] I’m willing to take chances because I’m very secure in my ability to get back up.” What is more, we do not respect people for merely being right, but we also respect each other’s resilience.

   Lastly, the importance of vulnerability in dealing with conflict engagement is a key component of successful communication; we must learn how to pick ourselves up after failure. The first important step is vulnerability which is also uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. In school, we don’t teach courage skills in school. She defines courage as the “willingness to put yourself out there when you don’t know how it’s going to go” (Living a Courageous Life”). This personalized view on vulnerability is relevant because authors from European Journal of Social Work also agree that personal vulnerability affects how a group functions. The journal specifies, “instead of vulnerable groups or individuals we should focus on vulnerable life situations” (“The Contested Concept of Vulnerability-A Literature Review”). When you are vulnerable and honest with other involved parties, they are more apt to trust you. Brene Brown describes this as  “breathing trust”, or learning how to trust appropriately. To conclude, being vulnerable and courageous directly affects how we engage in appropriate action to engage in potential or real conflict situations.

 

References

Fisher, Roger, et al. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In. Media Production Services Unit, Manitoba Education, 2013.

Holy Bible: King James Version. Christian Art Publishers, 2017.

Lederach, John Paul. The Little Book of Conflict Transformation. Good Books, 2003. 

Virokannas, Elina, et al. The Contested Concept of Vulnerability – A Literature Review.