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Creating worldly success is meaningless if I am unhappy. That means I must accept responsibility for creating the quality of not only my

outcomes but also my inner experiences.

I create my own happiness and peace of mind.

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Successful Students . . . Struggling Students . . . ▶ demonstrate emotional intelligence, using feelings as a compass for staying on course to their goals and dreams.

▶ allow themselves to be hijacked by emotions, making unwise choices that get them off course.

▶ effectively reduce stress, managing and soothing emotions of upset such as anger, fear, and sadness.

▶ take no responsibility for managing their emotions, instead acting irrationally on impulses of the moment.

▶ create happiness, feeling fully and positively engaged in college and the rest of their lives.

▶ frequently experience negative emotions such as boredom and unhappiness.

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When Professor Bishop returned midterm exams, he said, “In 20 years of teaching math, I’ve never seen such low scores. Can anyone tell me what the prob- lem is?” He ran a hand through his graying hair and waited. No one spoke. “Don’t you people even care how you do?” Students fiddled with their test papers. They looked out of the window. No one spoke.

Finally, Professor Bishop said, “Okay, Scott, we’ll start with you. What’s going on? You got a 35 on the test. Did you even study?”

Scott, age 18, mumbled, “Yeah, I studied. But I just don’t understand math.”

Other students in the class nodded their heads. One student muttered, “Amen, brother.”

Professor Bishop looked around the classroom. “How about you, Elena? You didn’t even show up for the test.”

Elena, age 31, sighed. “I’m sorry, but I have a lot of other things besides this class to worry about. My job keeps changing my schedule, I broke a tooth last week, my roommate won’t pay me the money she owes me, my car broke down, and I haven’t been able to find my math book for three weeks. I think my boyfriend hid it. If one more thing goes wrong in my life, I’m going to scream!”

Professor Bishop shook his head slowly back and forth. “Well, that’s quite a story. What about the rest of you?” Silence reigned for a full minute.

Suddenly Michael, age 23, stood up and snarled, “You’re a damn joke, man. You can’t teach, and you want to blame the problem on us. Well, I’ve had it. I’m dropping this stupid course. Then I’m filing a grievance. You better start looking for a new job!” He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

“Okay, I can see this isn’t going anywhere pro- ductive,” Professor Bishop said. “I want you all to go home and think about why you’re doing so poorly. And don’t come back until you’re prepared to answer that question honestly.” He picked up his books and left the room. Elena checked her watch and then dashed out of the room. She still had time to catch her favorite reality show in the student lounge.

An hour later, Michael was sitting alone in the cafeteria when his classmates Scott and Kia, age 20, joined him. Scott said, “Geez, Michael, you really

went off on Bishop! You’re not really going to drop his class, are you?”

“Already did!” Michael snapped as his class- mates sat down. “I went right from class to the reg- istrar’s office. I’m outta there!”

I might as well drop the class myself, Kia thought. Ever since she was denied entrance to the nursing program, she’d been too depressed to do her homework. Familiar tears blurred her vision.

Scott said, “I don’t know what it is about math. I study for hours, but when I get to the test, I get so freaked it’s like I never studied at all. My mind just goes blank.” Thinking about math, Scott started crav- ing something to eat.

“Where do you file a grievance against a profes- sor around here, anyway?” Michael asked.

“I have no idea,” Scott said. “What?” Kia answered. She hadn’t heard a

word that Michael or Scott had said. All she could think about was how her whole life was ruined because she would never be a nurse.

Michael stood and stomped off to file a griev- ance. Scott went to buy some French fries. Kia put her head down on the cafeteria table and tried to swallow the burning sensation in her throat.

CasE stuDy In CrItICal thInkIng After Math

Listed below are the five characters in this story. Rank them in order of their emotional intelligence. Give a different score to each character. Be pre- pared to explain your choices.

Most emotionally intelligent

Least emotionally

intelligent 1 3 52 4

___ Professor Bishop ___ Elena ___ Kia

___ Scott ___ Michael

DIvIng DEEpEr

Imagine that you have been asked to mentor the person whom you scored a 1 (least emotionally intel- ligent). Other than recommending a counselor, how would you suggest that this person handle his or her upset in a more emotionally intelligent manner?

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understanding Emotional Intelligence What is emotional intelligence? How can

you experience the full range of natural human emotions and still stay

on course to a rich, fulfilling life?

focuS queStionS

During final exam period one semester, I heard a shriek from the nursing education office. Seconds later, a student charged out of the office, scream- ing, scattering papers in the air, and stumbling down the hall. A cluster of concerned classmates caught up to her and desperately tried to offer comfort. “It’s all right. You can take the exam again next semester. It’s okay. Really.” She leaned against the wall, eyes closed. She slid down the wall until she sat in a limp heap, surrounded by sympathetic voices. Later, I heard that she dropped out of school.

At the end of another semester, I had the unpleasant task of telling one of my hardest working students that she had failed the writing proficiency exams. Her mother had died during the semester, so I was particularly worried about how she would handle more bad news. We had a conference, and upon telling her the news, I began consoling her. For about a minute, she listened quietly and then said, “You’re taking my failure pretty hard. Do you need a hug?” Before I could respond, she plucked me out of my chair and gave me a hug. “Don’t worry,” she said, patting my back “I’ll pass next semester,” and sure enough, she did.

For most of us, life presents a rough road now and then. We fail a col- lege course. The job we want goes to someone else. The person we love doesn’t return our affections. Our health gives way to sickness. How we handle these distressing experiences is critical to the outcomes and experi- ences of our lives.

Success depends on much more than a high IQ and academic success. Karen Arnold and Terry Denny at the University of Illinois studied 81 vale- dictorians and salutatorians. They found that 10 years after graduation, only 25 percent of these academic stars were at the highest level of their professions when compared with others their age. Actually, many were doing poorly. What seems to be missing for them is emotional intelligence.

An experiment during the 1960s shows just how important emotional con- trol is to success. Four-year-old children at a preschool were told they could have one marshmallow immediately. Or if they could wait for about 20 minutes, they could have two. More than a dozen years later, experimenters examined the differences in the lives of the one-marshmallow (emotionally impulsive) children and the two-marshmallow (emotionally intelligent) children. The adolescents who as children were able to delay gratification scored an average of 210 points higher on their SATs (Scholastic Aptitude Tests). Additionally, the two-marshmallow teenagers had borne fewer children while unmarried

I know it is hard to accept, but an upset in your life is beneficial, in that it tells you that you are off course in some way and you need to find your way back to your particular path of clarity once again.

Susan Jeffers

In the realm of emotions, many people are functioning at a kindergarten level. There is no need for self- blame. After all, in your formal education, how many courses did you take in dealing with feelings?

Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

Try Exercise 28-2 on page 198 of the Facilitator’s Manual for practice raising awareness of emotions.

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and had experienced fewer problems with the law. Clearly, the ability to endure some emotional discomfort in the present in exchange for greater rewards in the future is a key to success.

FouR CoMPonEntS oF EMotionaL intELLiGEnCE As a relatively new field of study, emotional intelligence is still being defined. However, Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence, identi- fies four components that contribute to emotional effectiveness. The first two qualities are personal and have to do with recognizing and effectively managing one’s own emotions. The second two are social and have to do with recognizing and effectively managing emotions in others.

1. EMotionaL SELF-aWaREnESS: Knowing your feelings in the moment. Self-awareness of one’s own feelings as they occur is the founda- tion of emotional intelligence and is fundamental to effective decision mak- ing. Thus, people who are keenly aware of their changing moods are better pilots of their lives. For example, emotional self-awareness helps you deal effectively with feeling overwhelmed instead of using television (or some other distraction) as a temporary escape.

2. EMotionaL SELF-ManaGEMEnt: Managing strong feelings. Emotional self-management enables people to make wise choices despite the pull of powerful emotions. People who excel at this skill avoid making critical decisions during times of high drama. Instead they wait until their inner storm has calmed and then make considered choices that contribute to their desired outcomes and experiences. For example, emotional self- management helps you resist dropping an important class simply because you got angry at the teacher. It also helps you make a choice that offers delayed benefits (e.g., writing a term paper) in place of a choice that prom- ises instant gratification (e.g., attending a party).

3. SoCiaL aWaREnESS: Empathizing accurately with other people’s emotions. Empathy is the fundamental “people skill.” Those with empa- thy and compassion are more attuned to the subtle social signals that reveal what others need or want. For example, social awareness helps you notice and offer comfort when someone is consumed by anxiety or sadness.

4. RELationSHiP ManaGEMEnt: Handling emotions in relation- ships with skill and harmony. The art of relationships depends, in large part, upon the skill of managing emotions in others. People who excel at skills such as listening, resolving conflicts, cooperating, and articulating the pulse of a group do well at anything that relies on interacting smoothly with others. For example, relationship man- agement helps a person resist saying something that might publicly embarrass someone else.

Every great, successful person I know shares the capacity to remain centered, clear and powerful in the midst of emotional “storms.”

Anthony Robbins

Academic intelligence has little to do with emotional life. The brightest among us can founder on the shoals of unbridled passions and unruly impulses; people with high IQs can be stunningly poor pilots of their private lives.

Daniel Goleman

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KnoWinG YouR oWn EMotionS The foundation of emotional intelligence is a keen awareness of our own emo- tions as they rise and fall. None of the other abilities can exist without this one. Here are some steps toward becoming more attuned to your own emotions.

Build a Vocabulary of Feelings Learn the names of emotions you might experience. There are hundreds. How many can you name beyond anger, fear, sadness, and happiness?

Be Mindful of Emotions as they are Happening Learn to identify and express emotions in the moment. Be aware of the subtle- ties of emotion, learning to make fine distinctions between feelings that are similar, such as sadness and depression.

understand What is Causing Your Emotion Look behind the emotion. See when anger is caused by hurt feelings. Notice when anxiety is caused by irrational thoughts. Realize when sadness is caused by disappointments. Identify when happiness is caused by immediate gratifica- tion that gets you off course from your long-term goals.

Recognize the Difference Between a Feeling and Resulting actions Feeling an emotion is one thing; acting on the emotion is quite another. Emo- tions and behaviors are separate experiences—one internal, one external. Note when you tend to confuse the two, as a student did who said, “My teacher made me so angry I had to drop the class.” You can be angry with a teacher and still remain enrolled in a class that is important to your goals and dreams. A fun- damental principle of emotional intelligence is Never make an important deci- sion while experiencing strong emotions.

You will never reach your full potential without emotional intelligence. No matter how academically bright you may be, emotional illiteracy will limit your achievements. Developing emotional wisdom will fuel your motivation, help you successfully negotiate emotional storms (yours and others’), and enhance your chances of creating your greatest goals and dreams.

A common confusion generated by the English language is our use of the word “feel” without actually expressing a feeling. For example in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words “I feel” could be more accurately replaced with “I think.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg

In the midst of great joy do not promise to give a man anything; in the midst of great anger do not answer a man’s letter.

chinese proverb

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For awareness of conscious emotions, see Exercise 28-1 on page 197 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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in this activity, you will explore your ability to understand your own emotions and recognize them as they are occurring. this ability is the foundation for all other emotional intelligence skills.

1 Write about an experience when you felt one of the following emotions: FRuStRation or anGER, FEaR or anXiEtY, SaDnESS or unHaPPinESS. Describe fully the cause (what happened) and your emotional reaction. Because emotions are difficult to describe, you may want to try a comparison like this: Anger spread through me like fire in a pile of dry hay. . . . or I trembled in fear as though I was the next person to stand before a firing squad, or For two days, unhappiness wrapped me in a profound darkness. Of course, create your own comparison. Your journal entry might begin, Last week was one of the most frustrating times of my entire life. It all began when . . . Most important, be aware of any emotions that you may feel as you are writing.

2 Write about an experience when you felt HaPPinESS or JoY. Once again, describe fully the cause (what happened) and your emotional reaction. A possible comparison: Joy bubbled like champagne, and I laughed uncontrollably. Most important, be aware of any emotions that you may feel as you are writing.

3 Write about any emotional changes you experienced as you described each of these two emotions. What did you learn or relearn about how you can affect your emotions? If you weren’t aware of any changes in your present emotions as you described past emotions, see if you can explain why. Were you not experi- encing any emotions at all? Or could you have been unaware of the emotions you were feeling?

journal Entry 28

It made me feel better sometimes to get something down on paper just like I felt it. It brought a kind of relief to be able to describe my pain. It was like, if I could describe it, it lost some of its power over me. I jotted down innermost thoughts I couldn’t verbalize to anyone else, recorded what I saw around me, and expressed feelings inspired by things I read.

nathan Mccall

When i started college, i had been in an abusive relationship for almost three years. I was ter- rified to leave this man (I’ll call him Henry) because we have a child together and he had con- vinced me that I had no worth as a human being without him. At 6’4”, Henry is a foot taller and

weighs twice as much as I do. He would punch or kick me until I was in so much pain I couldn’t go to my classes. When I did go, I’d often leave early because he became convinced I was cheat- ing on him and I didn’t want to give him another reason to beat me. I have a fair amount of

academic ability and I did well in high school, but I started allow- ing my emotions to overrun my intelligence. It was like I had a bunch of emotions in a bowl and I’d just pull one out at random when something happened. One day when my mother expressed concern about my bruises, I got furious at her. But instead of get- ting angry at Henry for beating me, I’d feel afraid, confused, and depressed. Rather than stepping back and thinking logically about

one StuDent’S StoRy LinDSEY BECK, Three Rivers Community College, Connecticut

Photo: Courtesy of Lindsey Beck

Understanding Emotional Intelligence 223

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what was going on, I allowed my emotions to control me.

Studying became my escape. In my freshman year experi- ence course, I loved expressing myself in my journals. In Chap- ter 8, I started writing about my emotions, and for the first time in years, I wasn’t ashamed of my feelings. I decided to be totally honest, and I wrote down exactly what was going on and how I really felt about it (not how Henry told me I felt about it). Writing the journals really made me look at myself and ask, What am I doing in this relationship? When I read about

all of the positive ways I could manage my emotions, I started looking at things as though I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I got stronger every day, and then one day I made the deci- sion to leave Henry.

I’ve always done well at writ- ing papers, studying, and taking tests, but I’ve never really taken responsibility for my emotions before. I learned that I need to get my emotional life under con- trol if I want the rest of my life to work. I now realize that how I feel at one moment isn’t necessar- ily how I’ll feel 10 minutes later. Emotions change. Why let things

control me that are so tempo- rary? By growing emotionally, I’m able to control my emotions instead of letting them control me. I am finally starting to pic- ture a positive life for myself without Henry, and I am grow- ing more confident every day. My dream is to earn a degree in microbiology and make a differ- ence by working for the World Health Organization. Enrolling in this course was the best life decision I will probably ever make. If I hadn’t, 10 years from now, I might not have wanted to change my life. However, I have been able to do that, and now I have my whole life ahead of me.

Photo: Courtesy of Lindsey Beck.

one StuDent’S StoRy continued

reducing stress How can you soothe stressful feelings that

make life unpleasant and threaten to get you off course?

focuS queStionS

Changes and challenges are inevitable in our lives; thus, so is the potential for stress. Maybe you waited until the last minute to print your essay for English class and the printer was out of ink. Stress. Or you bounced a $6 check and the bank charged you a $25 penalty. Stress! Or you’ve got a test coming up in his- tory and you’re two chapters behind in your reading. STRESS!

Even life’s pleasant events, like a new relationship or a weekend trip, can bring on a positive form of stress called eustress. If we’re not careful, stress of one kind or another can bump us off course.

WHat iS StRESS? The American Medical Association defines stress as any interference that disturbs a person’s mental or physical well-being. However, most of us know stress simply as the “wear and tear” that our minds and bodies experience as we attempt to cope with the challenges of life. The body’s response to a stressor is much the same today as it was for our ancestors thousands of years ago. As soon as we perceive a threat, our brains release the stress hormones cortisol and

The process of living is the process of reacting to stress.

Stanley J. Sarnoff, M.D.

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epinephrine (also known as adrenaline), and instantly our bodies respond with an increase in heart rate, metabolism, breathing, muscle tension, and blood pressure. We’re ready for “fight or flight.”

To our ancestors, this stress response literally meant the difference between life and death. After they’d survived a threat (a saber-toothed tiger, perhaps), the stress hormones were gone from their bodies within minutes. In modern life, however, much of our stress comes from worrying about past events, ago- nizing about present challenges, and fretting about future changes. Instead of stress hormones being active in our bodies for only minutes, they may persist for months or even years. For many of us, then, stress is a constant and toxic companion.

WHat HaPPEnS WHEn StRESS PERSiStS? Ongoing stress is bad news for our health, damaging almost every bodily sys- tem. It inhibits digestion, reproduction, growth, tissue repair, and the responses of our immune system. As just one example of the impact of long-term stress on our health, Carnegie Mellon University researchers exposed 400 volunteers to cold viruses and found that people with high stress in their lives were twice as likely to develop colds as those with low stress.

In fact, the National Institute for Mental Health estimates that 70 to 80 percent of all doctor visits are for stress-related illnesses. Physical symptoms of stress can be as varied as high blood pressure, muscle tension, headaches, backaches, indigestion, irritable bowel, ulcers, chronic constipation or diarrhea, muscle spasms, herpes sores, tics, tremors, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, insomnia, physical weakness, and emotional upsets.

Important to college students is the discovery that stress has a negative impact on memory. It also hinders other mental skills such as creativity, con- centration, and attention to details. When you’re feeling stressed, you can’t do your best academic work, let alone enjoy doing it. So, when you feel stressed, what are your choices?

unHEaLtHY StRESS REDuCtion When stressed, people in a Victim mindset seek to escape the discomfort as fast as possible. To do so, they often make unwise choices: drinking alcohol to excess, going numb for hours in front of a television or computer, working obsessively, fighting, taking anesthetizing drugs, going on shopping binges, eat- ing too much or too little, smoking excessively, gulping caffeine, or gambling more than they can afford to lose. When confronted with the damage of their self-sabotaging behavior, they typically blame, complain, and make excuses. Stress made me do it!

Like the impulsive children in the marshmallow experiment, Victims seek instant gratification. They give little thought to the impact of these choices on their futures. By making one impulsive and ill-considered choice after another, Victims move further and further off course.

Every stress leaves an indelible scar, and the organism pays for its survival after a stressful situation by becoming a little older.

Hans Selye, M.D.

Of all the drugs and the compulsive behaviors that I have seen in the past twenty-five years, be it cocaine, heroin, alcohol, nicotine, gambling, sexual addiction, or food addiction, all have one common thread. That is the covering up, or the masking, or the unwillingness on the part of the human being to confront and be with his or her human feelings.

Richard Miller, M.D.

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HEaLtHY StRESS REDuCtion People in a Creator mindset find better ways to reduce stress. They realize that managing emotions intelligently means making wise choices that release the grip of stress, not just mask it. Effective at identifying their distressing feelings early, Creators take positive actions to avoid being hijacked by emotional upset. Here’s a menu of healthy and effective strategies for managing four of the most common symptoms of stress.

A special note to the highly stressed: Your Inner Defender may take one look at the list of strategies that follows and say something like, “I can’t deal with this right now. It’s just going to make me even more stressed out!” If that’s

really the case, consider making an appointment at your campus counseling office to get some caring, professional help for your stress.

To reduce your stress on your own, here’s a simple, two-step plan. First, read the following sec- tion that addresses your most pressing symptoms of stress: feeling overwhelmed, angry, anxious, or sad. In that section, pick one stress reduction strategy and make a 32-Day Commitment (see the “Developing Self-Discipline” section of Chapter 4) to do it. In little more than a month, you’ll likely feel less stressed. Better yet, you’ll have proven that you, and not stress, are in charge of your life.

Feeling overwhelmed Feeling overwhelmed is probably the most common stressor for college stu- dents. Its message, if heeded, is valuable: Your life has gotten too complicated, your commitments too many. Feeling overwhelmed warns us that we’ve lost control of our lives. Creators may notice a tightness or pain in their jaws, shoulders, or lower backs. Or lack of sleep. Or they may notice themselves thinking, “If one more thing goes wrong, I’m going to scream!” Or, maybe they do scream! With this awareness, Creators understand it’s time to take action. Many positive strategies exist for rescuing your life from the distress of feeling overwhelmed.

Choose new Behaviors. Here are some actions you can take when you feel that your life is stretched a mile wide and an inch thin. As you’ll see, many of them are variations of self-management strategies you learned in Chapter 4:

● Separate from an external stressor. Perhaps the external stressor is a neigh- bor’s loud music or a demanding job. You can choose to study in the library where it’s quiet or find a new job with fewer demands.

● List and prioritize everything you need to do. Using a Next Actions List (see “Creating a Leak-Proof Self-Management System” section of Chapter 4), record all of your incomplete tasks according to life roles.

When you take full responsibility here and now for all of your feelings and for everything that happens to you, you never again blame the people and situations in the world outside of you for any unhappy feelings that you have.

Ken Keyes

Victim Creator

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Exercise 29-2 on page 200 of the Facilitator’s Manual for an activity on completion.

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Assign priorities to each task: A = Important & Urgent actions; B = Important & Not Urgent actions; C = All Unimportant actions.

● Delete Cs. Identify where you are wasting time and cross them off your list. ● Delegate As and Bs. Where possible, get another person to complete

some of your important tasks. Ask a friend to pick up your dry clean- ing. Pay someone to clean your apartment. This choice frees up time to do the tasks that only you can do, like your math homework.

● Complete remaining As and Bs yourself. Start with your A priorities, such as a looming term paper or a broken refrigerator. Handle them immediately: Visit the library and take out three books to begin researching your term paper topic. Call an appliance repair shop and schedule a service call. Spend time doing only A and B priorities and watch your overwhelm subside.

● Discover time-savers. Consciously make better use of your time. For example, keep an errand list so you can do them all in one trip. Or study flashcards during the hour between classes.

● Eliminate time-wasters. Identify and eliminate Quadrants III and IV activ- ities. For example, reduce the time you spend on Facebook. Cut down on watching television. Stop playing video games.

● Say “no.” Admit that your plate is full, and politely refuse requests that add to your commitments. If you do agree to take on something new, say “no” to something already on your plate. If saying “no” is difficult for you, do role-plays with a friend to practice. Or put it in writing. (Find more tips on this in the “Saying No” section of Chapter 5.)

● Keep your finances organized. A survey of 11,000 adults by Prevention magazine revealed that their number one source of stress is worry over personal finances. So curtail unnecessary spending, pay bills when due, balance your checkbook. Use the money-management strategies in Chapter 1 for stress relief as well as debt relief.

● Exercise. Aerobic exercise increases the blood levels of endorphins, and these hormones block pain, create a feeling of euphoria (the exercise high), and reduce stress. One caution: Consult your doctor before dra- matically changing your level of exercise.

● Get enough sleep. If sleep is a problem, don’t eat after 7 p.m. and go to bed by 10 p.m. If thoughts keep running through your mind, write them down. Breathe deeply and relax. Clear your mind. If sleep eludes you, con- sider seeing a doctor. You can’t learn effectively when deprived of sleep.

Choose new thoughts. Because we create the inner experience of feeling overwhelmed in our mind, we can un-create it. Here’s how:

● Elevate. See each problem in the bigger picture of your whole life. Notice how little importance it really has. From this new perspective, ask, “Will this problem really matter one year from now?” Often the answer is “no.”

I like what exercise does for my mind. If I’ve had a bad day, if I’m feeling stressed out, if I’m feeling overwhelmed — it takes it all away.

Kelly Ripa

Much of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they’ve started.

David Allen

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● Trust a positive outcome. How many times have you been upset by some- thing that later turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because it’s pos- sible, expect the blessing.

● Take a mental vacation. Picture a place you love (e.g., a white-sand beach, mountain retreat, or forest path) and spend a few minutes visiting it in your mind. Enjoy the peace and rejuvenation of this mini-vacation.

Feeling angry Healthy anger declares a threat or injustice against us or someone or some- thing we care about. Perceiving this violation, the brain signals the body to release catecholamines (hormones) that fuel both our strength and our will to fight. Creators become conscious of oncoming anger through changes such as flushed skin, tensed muscles, and increased pulse rates.

With this awareness, Creators can pause and wisely choose what to do next, rather than lashing out impulsively. Emotions don’t ask rational questions, so we must. For example, Creators ask, Will I benefit from releasing my anger, or will it cost me dearly?

When you perceive a true injustice, use the energy produced by your anger to right the wrong. However, to avoid being hijacked by anger and doing some- thing you will regret later, here are some effective strategies:

Choose new Behaviors. Allow the tidal wave of anger-producing hormones about 20 minutes to recede. Here’s how:

● Separate. Go off by yourself, allowing enough time to regain your ability to make rational, positive choices.

● Exercise. Moving vigorously assists in reducing anger-fueling hormones in your body.

● Relax. Slowing down also aids in calming your body, returning control of your decisions to you (as long as you don’t spend this time obsessively thinking about the event that angered you).

● Journal. Write about your feelings in detail. Rant and rave to your journal. Explore the cause and effect of your anger. Take responsibility for any part you play in creating the anger. Honest expression of emotions can help the dark storm pass and rational thoughts return.

● Channel your anger into positive actions. That’s what Candy Lightner did when a drunk driver—a repeat offender—killed her 13-year-old daugh- ter, Cari, as she walked through their neighborhood. Lightner turned her anger into action and created Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Now a nationwide organization, MADD strives to end drunk driving and provide support for its victims. After your anger has sub- sided, the Wise Choice Process can help you decide on positive actions that you might take.

The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason.

Marya Mannes

I promised myself on the day of Cari’s death that I would fight to make this needless homicide count for something positive in the years ahead.

candy Lightner

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Choose new thoughts. Because thoughts stir emotional responses, revising our anger-producing thoughts can calm us. Here’s how:

● Reframe. Look at the problem from a different perspective. Search for a benign explanation for the anger-causing event. If you realize you were wronged unknowingly, unintentionally, or even necessarily, you can often see the other person’s behavior in a less hostile way.

● Distract yourself. Consciously shift your attention to something pleasant, stopping the avalanche of angry thoughts. Involve yourself with uplift- ing conversations, movies, books, music, video games, puzzles, or similar diversions.

● Forgive. Take offending people off the hook for whatever they did, no matter how offensive. Don’t concern yourself with whether they deserve forgiveness; the question is whether you deserve the emotional relief of forgiveness. The reason for forgiveness is primarily to improve your life, not theirs. We close the case to free ourselves of the daily self-infliction of poisonous judgments. Of course, forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget and allow them to misuse us again.

● Identify the hurt. Anger is often built upon hurt: Someone doesn’t meet me when she said she would. Below my anger, I’m hurt that she seems to care about me so little. Shift attention from anger to the deeper hurt. Consider expressing the hurt in writing.

Feeling anxious Healthy anxiety delivers a message that we may be in danger. Our brain then releases hormones that fuel our energy to flee. Many Victims, though, exagger- ate dangers, and their healthy concern is replaced by paralyzing anxiety or even terror about what could go wrong.

Creators become conscious of oncoming anxiety through their bodies’ clear signals, including shallow breathing, increased pulse rate, and “butterflies” in the stomach. With this awareness, Creators can pause and wisely choose what to do next rather than fleeing impulsively from or worrying constantly about a nonthreatening person or situation.

One of the areas where emotions hinder academic performance is test anxiety. Unless you minimize this distress, you will be unable to demonstrate effectively what you know. Many colleges offer workshops or courses that offer instruction in anxiety-reducing strategies. Here are some wise choices to avoid being hijacked by anxiety, especially anxiety generated by a test.

Choose new Behaviors. As with anger, help the anxiety-producing chemi- cals to recede. Here’s how:

● Prepare thoroughly. If your anxiety relates to an upcoming performance (e.g., test or job interview), prepare thoroughly and then prepare some more. Confidence gained through extensive preparation diminishes

Living life as an art requires a readiness to forgive.

Maya Angelou

Anxiety … sabotages academic performance of all kinds: 126 different studies of more than 36,000 people found that the more prone to worries a person is, the poorer their academic performance, no matter how measured—grades on tests, grade-point average, or achievement tests.

Daniel Goleman

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anxiety. Using your CORE Learning System—explained in the “Toolbox for Active Learners”—is a great way to increase your realistic expectations for success on any test.

● Relax. Slowing down helps you reclaim mastery of your thoughts and emotions (but don’t spend this time obsessing about the cause of your anxiety).

● Breathe deeply. Anxiety and fear constrict. Keep oxygen flowing through your body to reverse their physiological impact. Find demonstrations of this kind of breathing by doing a search on YouTube.com for “Diaphragmatic Breathing” or “Belly Breathing.”

● Bring a piece of home to tests. For example, bring a picture of your family. ● Request accommodations. Visit your college’s disability services to see

about making special arrangements, such as a longer time to take tests. Special arrangements usually require a note from a medical professional.

Choose new thoughts. Changing our thoughts can soothe irrational anxiet- ies. Here’s how:

● Detach. Once you have prepared fully for an upcoming challenge (such as a test), there’s no more you can do. Worrying won’t help. So do everything you can to ready yourself for the challenge; then trust the outcome to take care of itself.

● Reframe. Ask yourself, “If the worst happens, can I live with it?” If you fail a test, for example, you won’t like it, but could you live with it? Of course you could! (If not, consider seeking help to regain a healthy perspective.)

● Visualize success. Create a mental movie of yourself achieving your ideal outcomes. Play the movie over and over until the picture of success becomes stronger than your fear. For more on how to visualize effectively, see “Committing to Your Goals and Dreams” in Chapter 3.

● Assume the best. Victims often create anxiety through negative assump- tions. Suppose your professor says, “I want to talk to you in my office.” Resist assuming the conversation concerns something bad. In fact, if you’re going to assume, why not assume it’s something wonderful?

● Face the fear. Do what you fear, in spite of the fear. Most often you will learn that your fear was just a False Expectation Appearing Real.

● Say your affirmation. When anxiety-producing thoughts creep into your mind, replace them with the positive words of your affirmation.

Feeling Sad Sadness is the natural response to the loss of someone or something dear. Fully grieving our loss is essential, for only in this way do we both honor and resolve our loss. Sadness and feeling “down” are also understandable reactions to the

If your images are positive, they will support you and cheer you on when you get discouraged. Negative pictures rattle around inside of you, affecting you without your knowing it.

Virginia Satir

Try Exercise 29-3 on page 200 of the Facilitator’s Manual to explore the power of happy music.

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academic and social pressures that college students may experience, especially in their first year. Unhealthy sadness, however, becomes a lingering, helpless feeling that numbs us. If you feel gripped by such a depression, see a counselor at your college. Help is available!

For bouts with short-term sadness, however, there are numerous ways to bounce back on your own. First, recognize your body’s clear signals: low energy, constant fatigue, and lack of a positive will to perform meaningful tasks. With this awareness, take steps to regain a positive experience of college and life. Here are some healthy options for doing so:

Choose new Behaviors. Help your body produce natural, mood-elevating hormones. Here’s how:

● Do something (anything!) toward your goals. Get moving and produce a result, no matter how small. Accomplishment combats the blues.

● Exercise. Moving vigorously helps your body produce endorphins, caus- ing a natural high that brightens your mood.

● Listen to uplifting music. Put on a song that picks up your spirits. Avoid sad songs about lost love and misery.

● Laugh. Like exercise, laughter is physiologically incompatible with mel- ancholy. So rent a funny movie, go to a comedy club, read joke books or cartoons, or visit your funniest friend.

● Breathe deeply. Like fear, sadness constricts. Keep breathing deeply to offset the physiological impact of sadness.

● Help others in need. Assisting people less fortunate is uplifting. You expe- rience both the joy of lightening their burden and the reminder that, despite your situation, you still have much to be grateful for.

● Journal. Writing about your feelings can help you come to terms with them more quickly and effectively. Often our emotions on paper seem much less distressing than those roaming unexamined in our minds and hearts.

● Socialize with friends and loved ones. Isolation usually intensifies gloomi- ness. Socializing re-engages you with people who matter and helps you gain a healthier perspective on your situation.

Choose new thoughts. As with other distressing emotions, changing our thoughts soothes sadness. Here’s how:

● Dispute pessimistic beliefs. Dark thoughts thrive on pessimism. So chal- lenge negative beliefs that make your present situation seem perma- nent, pervasive, or personal. Think, instead, how life will improve over time, how the problem is limited to only one part of your life, and how the cause is not a personal flaw in you, but something you can remedy with an action.

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.

Walter Anderson

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James

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● Distract yourself. As with anger, consciously replacing gloomy thoughts with pleasant ones will help stop the distress. So involve yourself with engaging activities that will take your thoughts on a pleasant diversion.

● Focus on the positive. Identify your blessings and successes. Think of all the things for which you are grateful, perhaps even making a list. Appreciate what you do have instead of regretting what you don’t.

● Find the opportunity in the problem. At the very least, learn the lesson life has brought you and move on. At best, turn your loss into a gain.

● Remind yourself, “This, too, shall pass.” A year from now, you’ll be in an entirely different place in your life, and this emotional upset will be only a memory.

● Identify others who have much more to be sad or depressed about. Realize by this comparison how fortunate you actually are, changing your focus from your loss to all that you still have.

CHooSE YouR attituDE When dealing with stress, the critical issue is, Do you manage your emotions or do they manage you? If you have made an honest effort to manage your emo- tions and they have defied you still, you may want to seek the help of a coun- selor or therapist. In some cases, persistent emotional distress is the result of a chemical imbalance that can be treated with prescription drugs. But if it’s inspiration you seek, consider Viktor E. Frankl, a psychiatrist imprisoned in the Nazi concentration camps during World War II. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl relates how he and other prisoners rose above their dreadful conditions to create a positive inner experience.

In one example, Frankl tells of a particularly bleak day when he was falling into a deep despair. With terrible sores on his feet, he was forced to march many miles in bitter cold weather to a work site, and there, freezing and weak from starvation, he endured constant brutality from the guards. Frankl describes how he “forced” his thoughts to turn to another subject. In his mind he imag- ined himself “standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room.” Before him sat an audience enthralled to hear him lecture on the psy- chology of the concentration camp. “By this method,” Frankl says, “I succeeded somehow in rising above the situation, above the sufferings of the moment, and I observed them as if they were already of the past.”

From his experiences and his observations, Frankl concluded that every- thing can be taken from us but one thing: “the last of the human freedoms— to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Creators claim the power to choose their outcomes whenever possible and to choose their inner experiences always. If Victor Frankl could overcome the stress of his inhumane imprisonment in a concentration camp, surely we can find the strength to overcome the stresses of our ordinary lives.

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances.

Martha Washington

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

William James

Use Exercise 29-1 on page 199 of the Facilitator’s Manual to explore changes in consciousness.

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in this activity, you will practice identifying positive methods for reduc- ing the stress in your life.

1 Write about a recent time when you felt overwhelmed, angry, sad, or anxious. Choose an experience different from the one you described in Journal Entry 28. Fully describe the situation that caused your emotional response; then describe the distressing feelings you experienced; finally, explain what you did (if any- thing) to manage your emotions in a positive way.

2 identify two or more strategies that you could use in the future when you experience this emotion. Explain each strategy in a sepa- rate paragraph, and remember the power of the 4Es—examples, experiences, explanation, and evidence—to improve the quality of your writing. When you’re done, notice if simply writing about your stressors and ways to manage them may have reduced your level of stress. It did for students in a study at Southern Methodist University.

journal Entry 29

Emotion comes directly from what we think: Think “I am in danger” and you feel anxiety. Think “I am being trespassed against” and you feel anger. Think “Loss” and you feel sadness.

Martin Seligman

i don’t consider myself some- one who lives in fear, and very few things in life intimidate me. However, the one fear that I could never overcome was my dread of public speaking. When I had to give a speech or read an essay aloud in junior high or high school, I would develop a shaky voice, get sweaty palms, and turn completely red. When I got to college, I took a fundamentals of speech class in which much of our grade depended on two speeches that we had to give using a PowerPoint presentation. My first speech didn’t go very well. I hadn’t really learned to use PowerPoint, and the slides didn’t seem to fit what I was talking about. I began to feel insecure, and I started going all over the place. My teacher said the speech was okay, but I wasn’t happy with it, especially because my goal is

to work in public relations, where I’ll need to be able to speak to groups with confidence.

I was taking SLS 1125, Student Support Seminar, at the same time, and I discovered many help- ful hints in On Course to over- come my fears. The first thing I did for my next speech was to make sure I was thoroughly pre- pared. This time I wrote out my whole speech first and then put my key points on index cards. I learned how to work PowerPoint and made sure all of the slides went with what I was talking about. I practiced giving my speech a number of times, with my dog as my audience. Another student in my class gave a great speech on the history of watches, and I visualized myself doing some of the things she had done, like using my hands effectively, looking relaxed, smiling, and

being more natural and friendly. I also did some relaxing and deep breathing, and that helped take my mind off my concerns. I used to worry that people would think I didn’t know what I was talking about, but I changed these wor- ries by picturing my audience as friends who want to know what I have to say. When I actu- ally gave my speech, I picked out individual students and talked to each of them one at a time. These techniques helped me believe in myself more and not be so self-conscious in front of an audi- ence, and in the end I passed the course with a B.

But just as important, in On Course I learned, “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” I took ownership of the fact that if I want to be successful in a public relations career, I have to face and over- come my fears of giving presen- tations. I think I’m well on my way to achieving this goal.

one StuDent’S StoRy JaiME SanMiGuEL, Miami Dade College, Florida

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Increasing happiness In 1999, scientific researchers started paying more attention to happiness.

For starters, the first positive psychology summit took place that year in Lincoln, Nebraska. Previously, most psychologists had viewed their role as help- ing people become less miserable. At the positive psychology summit, psychol- ogists asked, “How can we apply science to help people become more happy?”

Since then, many millions of dollars have been spent on scientific research to answer this important question. In 2002, the first international conference on positive psychology was held to share what the research had found. Since then, dozens of similar conferences have been held around the world.

Meanwhile, happiness courses began popping up on college campuses. In 2006, Harvard University offered a course called “Positive Psychology 1504.” An enrollment of 854 students made it Harvard’s most popular course. Many other colleges now offer courses in positive psychology. Some offer master’s or doctoral degrees in this emerging field as well. Recently a partnership of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.I.T.) and Harvard University offered a free online course called “The Science of Happiness.” Nearly 75,000 people worldwide enrolled, including your author.

The take-away from all of this attention on happiness seems obvious. Peo- ple want to be happier. And we want to know how.

The reason to increase happiness may seem obvious: “Happy feels better than unhappy.” But research has revealed many other benefits as well. When compared to unhappy people, happy people on average are more productive, likeable, active, friendly, helpful, resilient, and creative. Happy people tend to be healthier, have better relationships, earn higher salaries, and even live longer.

One study of happiness, for example, focused on autobiographical essays written by Catholic nuns in the 1930s and 1940s. Their average age at that time was 22. In 2001, scientists analyzed these essays for expressions of positive emo- tions. Then they looked to see what happened to the nuns in their study, many of whom have passed away. The findings? Happier nuns outlived less-happy nuns by an average of 10 years. Not only did they live longer, happier nuns were far less afflicted by Alzheimer’s disease. So it appears that positive emotions contribute to both longevity and brain health.

LiMitS on HaPPinESS Research, sadly, has uncovered some bad news about efforts to increase hap- piness. It turns out we have limited control over our level of happiness. The major reason is heredity. It seems we’re born with a happiness set point that’s controlled by our genes. By studying identical twins—especially those raised apart—psychologists estimate that about 50 percent of our happiness is genetic. Just as we inherit height from our parents, we also inherit a happiness set point. And no one has figured out how to change the set point for happiness (or height, for that matter).

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

from the united States Declaration

of independence

I am more concerned with the Gross National Happiness of my country, than with the Gross National Product.

Jigme Singye Wangchuck, King of Bhutan

To better understand the power of random acts of kindness, try Exercise 30-6 on page 207 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

For an activity tied to scientific research, see Exercise 30-1 on page 201 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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What about the impact of life circumstances on happiness? you might ask. Surely happiness is raised or lowered by circumstances such as money, health, climate, physical appearance, ethnicity, gender, age, intelligence, and education. Actually, not so much. Research suggests that circumstances like these contrib- ute only about 10 percent to our level of happiness. Sure, we get a burst of hap- piness when something good happens—like getting an A on a test or receiving a huge raise at work. But then something called hedonic adaptation takes over. Here’s how it works: After something good happens, we quickly become used to it and slide back down to our happiness set point. In other words, when the new good thing becomes the old good thing, the thrill is gone. If you’ve ever had “too much of a good thing,” you’ve experienced hedonic adaptation.

Here’s an example of hedonic adaptation. Maybe you’ve thought, “If only I could win the lottery, then I’d be happy!” Psychologist Philip Brickman and his colleagues decided to find out if that’s true. They asked winners of the Illinois State Lottery to rate their happiness. Then they asked non-winners to do the same. As you might expect, the happiness of lottery winners spiked right after their good fortune. About a year later, however, most of the winners were no hap- pier than the non-winners. It turns out that once we can take care of basic needs, more money doesn’t mean more happiness. That rascal hedonic adaptation tugs us back down to our set point. Think about all of the things you were once thrilled about…but now don’t seem so great. That’s the effect of hedonic adaptation.

Let’s recap what we know so far. About 50 percent of our happiness is deter- mined by a genetically fixed set point. And about 10 percent of our happiness is affected by our circumstances, but usually for only a short time. What about the other 40 percent? Here’s where scientific research offers good news. It turns out there are many choices we can make to increase our happiness.

In fact, a number of the choices already discussed in On Course are strongly correlated with increasing happiness—for example, pursuing important goals, exercising , and developing positive relationships. Let’s look at some other choices that increase happiness.

SaVoRinG PLEaSuRES Pleasures increase happiness. You could experience pleasure by eating a delicious meal, dancing to great music, watching a child play with a kitten, receiving a full- body massage, or smelling cinnamon buns right from the oven. One of my plea- sures is picking fresh, ripe tomatoes from my garden and adding them to a salad for dinner. Most pleasant experiences, however, fade quickly. Fortunately, there’s a way to deepen and prolong pleasure. It’s called savoring. When we savor an experience, our Inner Guide whispers, “Pay close attention to this…stay with it…stay with it… c’mon, stay with it a little longer.” With savoring, we let a pleasant experience linger in our awareness, spreading like sweet cream poured into rich, dark coffee.

Pleasure not only results from a positive experience in the present. It also occurs when we revisit and savor positive events from the past. For example, a group of severely depressed people was asked to log onto a website each evening.

[W]orking toward a meaningful life goal is one of the most important strategies for becoming lastingly happier.

Sonia Lyubomirsky, psychologist

Explore the importance of play in Exercise 30-3 on page 203 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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There they recorded three good things that had happened that day, no matter how small: “I went for a walk.” Then, to dive a little deeper, they wrote why this good thing happened: “I decided the weather was too nice to stay inside all day.” After 15 days of focusing their attention on and savoring the good things in their lives—no matter how small—94 percent reported improvement in their moods.

Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson reports that savoring pleasures actually changes our brains, making us more able to enjoy future pleasures. Positive experiences increase the release of the hormone dopamine. Dopamine makes you feel good. As you repeatedly create and savor positive experiences, your new neural networks become “stickier” for other positive experiences. The changes in your brain increase your ability to enjoy positive experiences, and enjoying positive experiences makes your brain more receptive to future pleasures.

Hanson suggests helpful strategies to keep hedonic adaptation from ruin- ing this uplifting cycle. First, create a variety of pleasant experiences (not the same one over and over). Second, spread pleasant experience over time (not all at once). And, most of all, fully savor each pleasant experience. Focus your attention on it…and stay with it…and stay with it.

By taking just a few extra seconds to stay with a positive experience—even the comfort of a single breath—you’ll help turn a passing mental state into lasting neural structure.

Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist

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GRatituDE Psychologist Robert Emmons studies the relationship between gratitude and happiness. Gratitude, he says, is “a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.” His research, and the research of others, reveals that peo- ple who count their blessings on a regular basis experience a number of ben- efits. Not only are they happier than people who don’t express gratitude, they also report greater vitality, optimism and satisfaction with life. Additionally, grateful people experience lower levels of stress and depression.

Scientists have experimented with many ways of expressing gratitude. One of the most obvious is to make a gratitude list: “I’m alive”; “I have food to eat”; “I have the opportunity to go to college.” When I do this exercise, I find myself listing things I had never thought to appreciate before. For example, I’m grate- ful to the person who first picked beans off a coffee bush, roasted them, ground them, and poured hot water though them. Not to mention the person who thought of adding sugar and cream.

Another way to generate gratitude is to recall a painful experience from your past, then immediately contrast this past experience with what you are experi- encing now. The key is noticing what you feel grateful for now that the pain is in the past: “I lived through it”; “I learned who my friends really are”; “I’m a much stronger person because of it”; “I’m much more willing to take on challenges.”

You can also experience gratitude by writing a letter of thanks to someone who has been important in your life. This could be a parent, brother, sister, coach, teacher, employer or friend. In specific detail, tell this person why you are grateful to him or her. What did he or she say or do? How did it affect your life? How are you different because of him or her? If possible, deliver the letter in person and read the letter together. In one study, these gratitude visits led to large boosts in happiness that lasted anywhere from a week to a month.

EnGaGEMEnt What these happiness strategies have in common is increasing our awareness of and savoring a positive experience. Ironically, another way to increase hap- piness is becoming so engaged in an activity that we lose awareness of anything beyond what we are doing. It isn’t until later that we realize how enjoyable the experience was. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced “chick-sent-me-hi”) calls such times of complete engage- ment flow states. Flow results from total absorption in an activity. During flow, we have no thoughts or concerns about ourselves. Time is distorted, often passing very quickly. We are totally present in the moment.

What if you could experience flow in your college courses? Creators do all they can to maximize that possi- bility, and how you choose your courses and your instruc- tors is a good first step. Victims typically create their

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

Buddha

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Exercise 30-2 on page 202 of the Facilitator’s Manual explores the concept of flow.

For reflections on instructors who have created flow, try Exercise 30-5 on page 204 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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course schedule based on convenience: Give me a class at noon because I don’t like to get up early.

Creators have a very different approach. They realize that it’s worth a sacri- fice to get a course with an outstanding instructor, one who creates flow in the classroom. As you plan your schedule for next semester, ask other students to recommend instructors who . . .

● demonstrate a deep knowledge of their subject, ● show great enthusiasm for the value of their subject, ● set challenging but reasonable learning objectives for their students, ● offer engaging learning experiences that appeal to diverse learning prefer-

ences, and ● provide a combination of academic and emotional support that gives their

students high expectations of success.

Imagine taking courses with instructors who are knowledgeable, enthusiastic, challenging, engaging, and supportive! These are the instructors who are going to create flow in their classrooms, help you achieve academic success, and inspire you to be a lifelong learner. And if you find a course in which you experience flow, you might very well have found your major…and maybe even your ideal career.

ContRiBution Let’s consider one more way to increase your happiness. Start by imagining that scientists are monitoring your brain activity. They give you some money and a choice: You can keep the money or donate it to charity. Which choice do you think will create the greatest activity in your brain’s reward center? If you said “donate the money to charity,” you’re right. Showing kindness to others increases positive emotions.

In a study at the University of California—Riverside, people were asked to perform acts of kindness. They chose such things as doing extra household chores, helping someone carry something, or making breakfast for a special friend. Not only did the participants’ happiness go up immediately, the effects were still there a month later. As you might expect, participants who varied their acts of kindness and spread them out over time created even better results than those who did the same thing many times within a short period of time.

So, what kindness could you do today? It could be small (holding a door for someone). Or it could be big (offering to tutor someone who is struggling in a subject you’ve mastered). Or huge (taking actions to reduce world hunger). As many who help worthy causes will attest, they receive more than they give.

StRaWBERRY MoMEntS Many of the scientific discoveries about happiness are illustrated by a parable I heard years ago. A man is walking on a narrow, rocky path on the side of a steep mountain when he encounters a hungry tiger. Terrified, the man grabs a vine and dangles over the edge of the cliff. He looks down and sees a second

Nothing brings me more happiness than trying to help the most vulnerable people in society. It is a goal and an essential part of my life—a kind of destiny. Whoever is in distress can call on me. I will come running wherever they are.

Princess Diana

Being able to enter flow is emotional intelligence at its best; flow represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing emotions in the services of performance and learning.

Daniel Goleman

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tiger waiting below. Then he feels a vibration in the vine, looks up, and sees a mouse chewing on the vine. As his distress increases, he notices a strawberry plant growing in a crevice on the side of the mountain. Holding the vine with one hand, the man reaches out and plucks a plump, red strawberry. He places it in his mouth and savors how delicious it tastes.

Life is full of difficulties, obstacles, challenges, and pain. At times, life seems to be one problem after another. We wonder, when will all of these problems end? And yet, among the problems is a strawberry—if we’ll notice it. Maybe the strawberry is creating and savoring a momentary pleasure. Maybe the straw- berry is feeling gratitude for what we have rather than distress for what we don’t. Maybe the strawberry is engaging in flow. Maybe the strawberry is show- ing kindness to someone who is also facing one problem after another. The new science of positive psychology is discovering evidence that we can improve our happiness. To do so, we need to find our strawberries.

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Benjamin franklin

in this activity, you’ll experiment with one of two strategies intended to increase happiness. the first was briefly described in the preceding text; the second is new. assignments similar to both of these have been employed with encouraging results in positive psychology classes at colleges such as the university of Michigan and the university of Pennsylvania.

1 Complete one of the following:

A. Gratitude Letter: Write a letter to someone who has been an important and positive influence in your life. Pick someone to whom you have never fully expressed your gratitude. In the letter, explain specifically and completely what this person did that you appreciate…and how the kindness has positively affected your life. (If you choose to share your letter with the person at a later time, consider getting together in a quiet set- ting and reading the letter aloud. If a face-to-face meeting isn’t possible, you could mail the letter and call later to discuss it.)

B. Me at My Best: Describe in detail a time when you success- fully faced a difficult situation, one about which you feel proud of the way you handled it. Be sure to discuss fully: 1) what the difficult situation was; 2) how you handled it; 3) what your handling of this situation shows about your inner strengths and character. While modesty can be a virtue, please don’t let it distort the truth of what you did. Be honest about how you behaved and the inner qualities you demon- strated during a situation in which you were at your best.

2 Read over what you wrote in Step 1, and take a few moments to savor what you did and what it says about your inner strengths and character. then, honestly describe whether or not writing Step 1 of this journal entry lifted your spirits and improved your

Don’t wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.

Alice Walker

journal Entry 30

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positive feelings. Explain your reaction as best you can. Remem- ber, activities such as these work for some people but not for oth- ers, so you can be truthful about your own unique reaction.

Consider illustrating this journal entry with drawings, stickers, photos or other images.

continuedjournal Entry 30

EmotIonal IntEllIgEnCE

During nearly twenty years working as a consulting psychologist to dozens of companies and public agencies, I have seen how the lack of emotional intelligence

undermines both an individual’s and a company’s growth and success, and

conversely how the use of emotional intelligence leads to productive outcomes at both the individual and the organizational levels.

Hende Weisnger, Emotional Intelligence at Work

Imagine this: The local store manager of a large retail chain sends a one-line email to her department heads: “Quarterly sales figures on my desk by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow!” The head of the menswear department reads the email, feels insulted by the demanding tone, and fires back an angry email response: “I’ve been working here a hell of a lot longer than you have, and I don’t appreciate your nasty reminders about when sales reports are due. You might try treating people more like colleagues and less like servants awaiting your every command.” On an impulse, he copies his response to the company president and the five vice presidents at the store’s national headquarters.

How much lost time and productivity do you think will result from this exchange of two emails? How much damage will be done to the employees’ professional relationship and their ability to work well together in the future? How might their repu- tations and careers suffer when others hear rumors of this incident?

Now consider how different this event might have been if the head of the menswear department had followed a fundamental principle of emotional intel- ligence: Never make an important decision while in the grip of strong emotions. Suppose he had read the store manager’s email, taken a deep breath, and read it again. Feeling angry at what appeared to be the man- ager’s dictatorial tone, what if he had waited about 30 minutes before responding? During that time, maybe he would have done some deep breathing. Maybe he would have recalled that the store manager has been very respectful of him since she took over the store six months before. Having calmed his initial upset, suppose he now went to the store manager’s office and asked for a brief meeting. “You know,” he says to her in this revised scene, “I just read your email about turning in the third-quarter sales figures, and I got that you’re angry or upset. Is there something we need to talk about?” “What? Oh no,” she responds, “there’s no problem. I meant to send you a reminder last week, but I’m so far behind in my paperwork that I forgot. When I remembered this morning, I wrote the email while I was doing five other things. Sorry if it sounded like I was upset with you. On the contrary, I think you’re doing a terrific job!”

Another name for emotional intelligence in the workplace is “professionalism.” Professionals are aware of their own emotions, and they’ve developed methods for managing them. They’re also good at perceiving emotions in others, and they know how to communicate effectively, building alliances rather than destroying them. Notice that in the

at Work

To explore how play can help at work, see Exercise 30-4 on page 204 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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revised scene just described, the department head doesn’t reply to his manager with another email. He communi- cates with her in person. And he does so only after getting his emotions under control. Choices like these make all the difference when it comes to building a reputation as a business professional. And

that reputation can be destroyed with one careless tantrum—or, in the digital age, with one reckless email, text message, tweet, or Facebook post.

Your emotional intelligence begins to impact your work life as soon as you consider a career path. If you choose work for which you have no passion or emotional commitment, you’re starting your career with a huge handicap. Unmotivated by the outcomes or experiences of your work, you’ll likely cut corners, doing less than is necessary to propel your career to success. By contrast, when you match your interests and talents to your career choice, you’ll find work stimulating and success more likely. As Shoshana Zuboff, a psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Business School put it, “We only will know what to do by realizing what feels right to us.”

Emotional intelligence continues to support your success during your job search. Chances are, every applicant invited for an interview has the training to do the job. So, what will distinguish you from the crowd? One answer lies in what employ- ers are looking for beyond job skills. A 1997 survey of major corporations by the American Society for Training and Development discovered that four out of five companies seek emotional intelligence as one of the qualities they look for in new employ- ees. Realizing this, you’ll know to communicate not only your academic and job-related skills, but your emotional intelligence competencies as well.

Employers have good reason to seek employees with emotional intelligence. In his book Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman writes, “We now have twenty-five years’ worth of empirical

studies that tell us with a previously unknown pre- cision just how much emotional intelligence mat- ters for success.” Goleman presents his analysis of what 121 companies reported as the necessary competencies for success in 181 different career positions. He found that two out of three of the abilities considered essential for effective job per- formance are emotional competencies. Put another way, according to employers themselves, emotional competence matters twice as much as other factors in job effectiveness.

You might think that the soft skills associated with emotional intelligence would be less important for those employed in highly technical and intellec- tual fields such as engineering, computer science, law, or medicine. Paradoxically, the exact opposite is true. Because academic success and high intelligence are required of all who enter these careers, virtually everyone in these careers is “book smart.” However, not everyone is emotionally intelligent. In these pro- fessions, there is more variation in the “soft” domain than there is in education and IQ. Therefore, if you’re at the top end of the emotional intelligence scale, you have a great advantage over your emotionally illiter- ate colleagues. As Goleman puts it, “‘Soft’ skills mat- ter even more for success in ‘hard’ fields.”

Although emotional intelligence is important in entry-level positions, as one moves up the ladder into leadership positions, it becomes essential. According to Goleman, employers report emotional intelligence as making up 80 to 100 percent of the skills necessary to be an outstanding leader. As just one example of its importance, leaders need to be able to spot and resolve conflicts that happen in their workforce. Oth- erwise such upsets can get an individual, group, divi- sion, or even the whole company off course.

Doug Lennick, executive vice president at American Express Financial Advisors, sums up the case for emotional intelligence in the workplace: “The aptitudes you need to succeed start with intel- lectual horsepower—but people need emotional competence, too, to get the full potential of their talents. The reason we don’t get people’s full poten- tial is emotional incompetence.”

sEEkIng CrEators

Candidates must demonstrate emotional intelligence, including the ability to manage emotions in themselves and others.

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MEIT (Mobile Emotional Intelligence Test) evaluates how effective you are at recognizing other people’s emotions. The app presents you with a number of human faces, asking you to correctly label the emotion each is expressing. Other tests quiz you on the best ways to deal with different emotional situations. Your goal is to exceed 90 points (the average U.S. score is presently 89). (Android, iOS)

Awareness is an app designed by a psycho- therapist that randomly “intercepts” your daily routine with a gentle gong sound. You’re asked to record what you’re doing and feeling at that moment. The app then guides you in a brief meditative exercise to bring your awareness to the present moment. The daily, weekly, and monthly reports help you discover patterns so you can change unwanted habits and lead a more peaceful life. (Android, iOS)

Gratitude Journal asks you to write down things for which you are grateful. You can set a timer that will remind you to add to your grow- ing list of things for which you give thanks. For many people, reviewing such a list is uplifting. (Android, iOS)

Track Your Happiness begins with a one-time questionnaire. Then you decide when and how often you’d like to be contacted. On your chosen schedule, you’ll receive an email or text and be asked to report what you are doing and how you are feeling. You’ll receive periodic reports that identify the factors that increase your hap- piness. (iOS)

MindShift, created especially for teens and young adults, can help you deal with anxiety. The app helps you learn to relax, develop more supportive ways of thinking, and iden- tify specific actions to reduce anxiety. The app offer strategies for dealing with test anxiety, social anxiety, and performance anxiety, among other distressing feelings. (Android, iOS)

Happify offers activities and games that are based on the scientific study of happiness. These activities help you strengthen five key happiness skills: Savoring, Gratitude, Aspira- tions, Giving, and Empathizing. The site says it tracks user data and finds that 86 percent of frequent users get happier within two months. (Web, Android, iOS)

Note: All of the above are free, but some may offer upgraded features for a fee.

tECh tIps: Emotional Intelligence

Develop self-acceptance Why is high self-esteem so important to suc-

cess? What can you do to raise your self-esteem?

focuS queStion

Roland was in his 40s when he enrolled in my English 101 class. He made insightful contributions to class discussions, so I was perplexed when the first two writing assignments passed without an essay from Roland. Both times,

BeLieVinG in youRSeLf

Use Exercise 31-2 on page 208 of the Facilitator’s Manual to help students appreciate their own positive characteristics.

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he apologized profusely, promising to complete them soon. He didn’t want to make excuses, he said, but he was stretched to his limit: He worked at night, and during the day he took care of his two young sons while his wife worked. “Don’t worry, though,” he assured me, “I’ll have an essay to you by Monday. I’m going to be the first person in my family to get a college degree. Nothing’s going to stop me.”

But Monday came, and Roland was absent. On a hunch, I looked up his academic record and found that he had taken English 101 twice before. I con- tacted his previous instructors. Both of them said that Roland had made many promises but had never turned in an assignment.

I called Roland, and we made an appointment to talk. He didn’t show up. During the next class, I invited Roland into the hall while the class was working on a writing assignment.

“Sorry I missed our conference,” Roland said. “I meant to call, but things have been piling up.”

“Roland, I talked to your other instructors, and I know you never wrote anything for them. I’d love to help you, but you need to take an action. You need to write an essay.” Roland nodded silently. “I believe you can do it. But I don’t know if you believe you can do it. It’s decision time. What do you say?”

“I’ll have an essay to you by Friday.” I looked him in the eye. “Promise,” he said. I knew that what Roland actually did, not what he promised, would reveal

his deepest core beliefs about himself.

SELF-EStEEM anD CoRE BELiEFS So it is with us all. Our core beliefs—true or false, real or imagined—form the inner compass that guides our choices.

At the heart of our core beliefs is the statement I AM ___. How we com- plete that sentence in the quiet of our souls has a profound effect on the quality of our lives.

High self-esteem is the fuel that can propel us into the cycle of success. Do we approve of ourselves as we are, accepting our personal weaknesses along with our strengths? Do we believe ourselves capable, admirable, lovable, and fully worthy of the best life has to offer? If so, our beliefs will make it possible for us to choose wisely and stay on course to a rich, full life.

For example, imagine two students: one with high self-esteem, the other with low self-esteem. Picture them just after they get very disappointing test scores. What do they do next? The student with low self-esteem will likely choose options that protect his fragile self-image, options such as dropping the course rather than chancing failure. The student with high self-esteem, on the other hand, will likely choose options that move her toward success, options such as persisting in the course and getting additional help to be successful. Two students, same situation. One focuses on weaknesses. One focuses on

The foundation of anyone’s ability to cope successfully is high self-esteem. If you don’t already have it, you can always develop it.

Virginia Satir

Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves.

nathaniel Branden

Exercise 31-3 on page 209 of the Facilitator’s Manual helps students understand positive perceptions others have of them.

For boosting students’ self- worth, see Exercise 31-5 on page 212 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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strengths. The result: two different choices and two very different outcomes.

The good news is that self-esteem is learned, so anyone can learn to raise his or her self-esteem.

KnoW anD aCCEPt YouRSELF People with high self-esteem know that no one is perfect, and they accept themselves with both their strengths and weaknesses. To paraphrase philosopher Reinhold Niebuhr, successful people accept the things they cannot change, have the courage to change the things they can change, and possess the wisdom to know the difference.

Successful people have the courage to take an honest self-inventory, as you began doing with the self-assessment in Chapter 1. They acknowl- edge their strengths without false humility, and they admit their weaknesses without stubborn denial. They tell the truth about themselves and take action to improve what they can.

Fortunately for Roland, he decided to do just that. On the Friday after our talk, he turned in his English 101 essay. His writ- ing showed great promise, and I told him so. I also told him I appreciated that he had let go of the excuse that he was too busy to do his assignments. From then on, Roland handed in his essays on time. He met with me in conferences. He visited the writing lab, and he did grammar exercises to improve his editing skills. He easily passed the course.

A few years later, Roland called me. He had transferred to a four-year university and was graduating with a 3.8 average. He was continuing on to graduate school to study urban planning. What he most wanted me to know was that one of his instructors had asked permission to use one of his essays as a model of excellent writing. “You know,” Roland said, “I’d still be avoid- ing writing if I hadn’t accepted two things about myself: I was a little bit lazy and I was a whole lot scared. Once I admitted those things about myself, I started changing.”

Each of us has a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses. When struggling people become aware of a weakness, they typically blame the prob- lem on others or they beat themselves up for not being perfect. Successful people, however, usually make a different choice: They acknowledge the weak- ness, accept it without self-judgment, and, when possible, take action to create positive changes. As always, the choices we make determine both where we are headed and the quality of the journey. Developing self-acceptance helps us to make those choices wisely.

Self-esteem is more than merely recognizing one’s positive qualities. It is an attitude of acceptance and non-judgment toward self and others.

Matthew McKay & Patrick fanning

Si dn

ey H

ar ris

/S ci

en ce

Ca rto

on sP

lu s.

co m

Use Exercise 31-4 on page 210 of the Facilitator’s Manual to give students practice at accepting themselves.

To give students tools for appreciating themselves, try Exercise 31-1 on page 208 of the Facilitator’s Manual.

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in this activity, you will explore your strengths and weaknesses and the reputation you have with yourself. this exploration of your self-esteem will allow you to continue revising any limiting beliefs you may hold about yourself. By doing so, you will take an important step toward your success.

1 in your journal, write a list of 10 or more of your personal strengths. For example, mentally: I’m good at math; physically: I’m very athletic; emotionally: I seldom let anger control me; socially: I’m a good friend; and others: I’m almost always on time.

2 Write a list of 10 or more of your personal weaknesses. For example, mentally: I’m a slow reader; physically: I’m out of shape; emotion- ally: I’m easily hurt by criticism; socially: I don’t listen very well; and others: I’m a terrible procrastinator.

3 using the information in Steps 1 and 2, write about the present state of your self-esteem. What was your self-esteem score when you took the self-assessment in Chapter 1? What do you think your score will be when you take it again in Chapter 9? If you think your two scores will be different, to what do you attribute the difference? Are you satisfied with where you think your self- esteem is today? If not, what can you do to improve it?

to create an outstanding journal, remember to use the five suggestions in the section ‘Write a Great Life’ in Chapter 1. Especially remember to dive deep!

journal Entry 31

When i started back to college, i was 41 years old. I was on a “wing and a prayer.” I didn’t know if I had it in me to be suc- cessful in school, with all the responsibilities I had in my life. I didn’t know if I was smart enough or even had the abilities to work on a college level after so many years. But what I did know was that I wanted to suc- ceed. I would do my best. I had managed well in every other

facet of my life, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could get a good education and set a good example for my children.

So, there I was in Success Seminar class, reading On Course. I read the “One Stu- dent’s Stories” and began tak- ing a personal inventory of my own life. Some of the journal entries I wrote left me mentally exhausted, because our instruc- tor was always asking us to “dig

deeper,” and deeper I would go. I would write about subjects that I had left firmly in my past, re-open them, and give myself the opportunity to see them in a whole new light. Eventually, I was able to look at the “hor- rible” mistakes I had made in my life as lessons instead of fail- ures. I could lay down negative thoughts that I harbored about myself and begin to see the ways I had grown as a human being. I began taking steps unknowingly to practice self- love and acceptance. I learned so much about myself and got

one StuDent’S StoRy WYnDa aLLiSon PauLEttE, National Park Community College, Arkansas

Photo: Courtesy of Wynda Allison Paulette

We cannot change anything unless we accept it.

carl Jung

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so much out of the class that when the end of the semester came, and we were required to turn in our notebooks, I wrote this poem/story to include for my instructor. It only took a few minutes to write but summed up my journey quite well.

the Friend I once had a person in my life who

I professed to care about; but the truth is, I didn’t like Her much at all.

My friends would say how pretty and smart She was; I would silently disagree.

I made decisions that would hurt Her . . . choices that would inconvenience Her and take Her off track.

I never worried about Her wellbe- ing. In my eyes, She didn’t deserve my love.

I single handedly set that poor girl back 20 years, with all the unnecessary problems I put in Her path.

I silently watched Her go through bad relationships, unpro- ductive friendships, and

unnecessary hardships without bothering to intercede.

I saw Her sink farther and farther from Her dreams, and thought She got what She deserved.

I judged Her so harshly, dis- respected Her, and felt no remorse. . . .

UNTIL- One day I looked at that person,

REALLY took the time to see Her and started to see the good in Her. . . .

I began to respect Her for the grace with which She handled even the hardest of times . . . and for the optimistic way She viewed the world.

I began to see Her worth shine from within brighter than a whole vault full of gold.

I saw a beauty within Her so great that it made me weep.

I began to encourage Her every day, and assure Her that Her dreams could be realized and that She could accomplish anything She set Her brilliant mind to do.

I fell in love with Her for the first time. I began to admire and respect Her.

I regretted the horrible times I had put Her through: the setbacks, the wrongs. . . .

But now, looking back, I real- ize that woman I now love would not be the person She is

If She had not traveled the dark paths I led Her through. . . .

. . . Nor would She appreciate the sunshine nearly as much.

For within Her is a well-seasoned, understanding, empathetic, responsible, caring human being.

That woman is ME.

My story is still ongoing. There will always be struggles; nothing will ever be “laid at my feet.” But I also learned through all the hard work I put into Success Seminar, and all of the valuable lessons and information that I was able to reap from the text and the exer- cises, that life is full of possibility. There are no dead-end roads, only new routes to forge through and lessons to learn. Most of all, we have to learn to love and believe in ourselves.

Photo: Courtesy of Wynda Allison Paulette.

one StuDent’S StoRy continued

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