Psychology 4-MAT : Hart Review Assignment

Dobson

Chapter Five

Opening the Cage Door

When married persons find themselves hurtling relentlessly toward a divorce, they sometimes turn to marriage counselors, ministers, psychologists, and psychiatrists to stem the tide. The counsel they are subsequently given often involves changes in the way the two partners relate to one another from day to day. It may be proposed that they reserve an evening each week as “date night,” or that they alter their sex habits or workaholic lifestyles. Such advice can be helpful in reestablishing communication and understanding between two wounded and disappointed people, but it may be inadequate to save a dying marriage. Why? Because the counsel is directed at surface issues.

In most troubled marriages, a basic problem lies ominously below these relatively minor irritants. It involves the way one party has begun to perceive the other, as we have described. When expressed in materialistic terms, it is the value ascribed to one human being by another. That perceived worth is incorporated in the word respect and it is absolutely basic to all human relationships.

The way we behave from day to day is largely a function of how we respect or disrespect the people around us. The way employees perform is a product of how they respect the boss. The way children behave is an outgrowth of their respect for their parents. The way nations coexist is directly attributable to their respect for one another. And certainly, the way husbands and wives relate is a function of their mutual respect and admiration. That’s why marital discord almost always emanates from seething disrespect somewhere in the relationship! That is the bottom line of romantic confrontation.

What I’ve been trying to describe are those gradual changes in perception—that subtle deterioration in attitude that precedes marital conflict. A starry-eyed young man and woman agree to wed because they hold one another in awe, in deepest respect. And if they choose to remain for a lifetime, it will be because that positive attitude has been maintained, or in its absence, from the sheer power of commitment. Either way, the quality of their relationship will be a direct product of their mutual respect through the years.

Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for the dying marriages we have examined, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. Can there be any doubt that Linda’s husband thoroughly disrespects his wife? Of all forms of disdain that one individual can show for another, there is none more profound than blatant infidelity. That is the pits in human affairs. And though Faye and Nancy are not yet victims of unfaithfulness, they share the same basic problem. Their husbands feel trapped in suffocating relationships with women they clearly disrespect.

We return now to the question with which we began: What can be done to preserve these three marriages and the millions of others they represent? The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing, and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.

To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I’m sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm, encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Can you imagine what would have occurred if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, “I think I’ll die if you don’t marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please, please! Oh, please don’t turn me down,” etc.

That approach to a potential marriage partner is about as disastrous as it would be for a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, “Oh, please buy this car! I need the money so badly, and I’ve only had two sales so far today. If you turn me down, I think I’ll go straight out and kill myself!”

This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is linkage in it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to “sell himself” to the other. But like the car dealer, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely he is to devote his entire being to someone he doesn’t love, simply for benevolent reasons. None of us is that unselfish. We are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime with whom to invest everything we possess, and few of us are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.

Let’s apply this concept to married life. If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They are only increasing the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the right time affords itself:

John, I’ve been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn’t face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can’t be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I’m reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage and, obviously, I have to let you go. I’m aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1972 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far, and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love, and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead.

Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can’t believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn’t necessary to fight off her advances—her grasping hands—anymore.

“But there must be a catch,” he thinks. “It’s too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she’ll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She’s really weak, you know, and she’ll crack under pressure.”

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious—that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: he will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.

If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique, and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously “grabby” lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:

1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.

2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After having wondered for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this mess?” he now asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!

Let me illustrate the effect of this second consequence in another way. Have you ever had something strike you funny at a formal banquet or church service or funeral, where it would have been humiliating to laugh out loud? Just the fact that you couldn’t snicker made you jerk and snort to hold in the belly laugh. This happened to me in a college chapel service many years ago. I was in a mischievous mood, and I put a small ball of aluminum foil on my knee. I intended to fire it twenty rows or more toward the front. Instead, I flipped it straight into the ear of a shy student sitting directly in front of me. He rose about six inches from his seat, and then settled down without ever looking back. His ear immediately began to glow and pulsate to the rhythm of his heart, which struck me funny. In fact, my roommate and I became hysterical, despite the seriousness of the service. He leaned to his left and covered his mouth, and I tilted to the right. We crowded extraneous thoughts through our heads in a desperate attempt to gain control. But just when we thought the crisis had passed, we would notice again the red spot spreading down the lad’s neck in the direction of his shoulder. By this time one half of his head was crimson and the other white. That’s all it took for the snorting and snuffing to begin again. It was awful. People all around us were disgusted with our irreverence, and who knows what the guy with the throbbing ear was thinking. But I’ll tell you honestly, it was impossible to stop laughing.

Finally, the speaker finished his heavy message, and the benediction was said. Everyone stood and the victim took his ear and walked out without making a comment. The pressure was over, and it was acceptable to laugh at last. But suddenly, there was nothing funny. The very fact that we could guffaw if we wished to removed the need even to smile. This is the way we humans are constructed. And that’s the way claustrophobic lovers feel when they are suddenly released. They often lose their need to escape.

3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he feels better—somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself and receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he has a plan—a program—a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that he felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.

By this point in our discussion, some of my readers are undoubtedly beginning to ask a question that means more to me than any other aspect of the work we are doing: Is the advice offered herein consistent with Scripture? It is certainly different from what many Christian leaders would recommend.

If I felt that my recommendations contradicted biblical teachings I would never utter them again. God’s Word is the standard for all human behavior and values. And in this context, there are specific passages that support the psychological conclusions I have drawn. The most relevant is found in 1 Corinthians 7:12–15. Note especially the portion I have italicized.

“If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”

Those seem like very straightforward instructions to me. The apostle Paul was talking to men and women who were married to unbelievers—some of whom who were undoubtedly involved in bad marriages. He was telling them unequivocally that divorce was not an option. Period. They were instructed to remain faithful and try to win their un-Christian spouses to the Lord. Good counsel! But Paul was also sensitive to those who had no choice in the matter. Like Linda and Faye, they were unable to hold their partners at home. In those instances they were advised to let the partners go. There is no blame in accepting a fate beyond their control. And just as I have indicated, this acceptance of the inevitable will result in “peace.” Here we see the marvelous wisdom of the Creator as expressed through His servant in interpersonal and psychological dimensions.

Chapter Six

The Tougher Questions

We have dealt with the matter of letting go of a disenchanted lover. But in real-life situations, marital problems often involve complications and entanglements that make our task more difficult. Let’s return, for example, to those men and women who know their spouses are being unfaithful. What should be the attitude of Linda and the other hurting people whose partners are fooling around? Whereas their infidelity would likely have been hidden a century ago, today it may be blatantly admitted and defended by the guilty. A popular song from the 1970s illustrates this justification of evil.

TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS7

There are times when a woman has to say what’s on her mind,

Even though she knows how much it’s gonna hurt.

Before I say another word, let me tell you, I love you.

Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can.

There’s been another man that I’ve needed and I’ve loved.

But that doesn’t mean I love you less. [Oh, really?]

And he knows he can’t possess me and he knows he never will.

There’s just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill.

Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool.

Lovin’ both of you is breaking all the rules.

You mustn’t think you failed me just because there’s someone else.

You were the first real love I ever had and all the things I ever said,

I swear they still are true. [How about the marriage vows?]

For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.

Couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away.

But with everything I feel inside, I’m askin’ you to stay.

Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool.

Lovin’ both of you is breaking all the rules.

Isn’t that sweet? This little darlin’ is sleeping with two men and one of them is not her husband. That’s bad enough. Then she has the utter audacity to tell the man she married that her affair will be continuing. He has two choices in the matter: live with it or shove off. He wasn’t even asked for his opinion. She was determined to have her cake and ice cream too, or if her husband preferred, she’d settle for ice cream—with the other lover.

How about it, now? What would your answer be to this proposition? The question is highly relevant to our discussion. Linda’s husband has confronted her with the same dilemma. She wrote, “He is confused and doesn’t know which one of us he wants. He doesn’t want to lose me and says he still loves me and our three kids, but he can’t give her up either.”

There is no shortage of husbands and wives who are torn between two (or more) lovers. I could fill the balance of this book with letters and living illustrations of men and women like Linda whose mates are openly engaged in sexual escapades. They, like the writer of the following letter, ask the same question: “What do I do now?”

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I heard your radio program today when you urged frustrated people not to get a divorce. It seemed like you were talking directly to me. But if I’m not going to get a divorce, then what can I do? Every day is worse than the one before and my husband and I are farther apart. I am more depressed than I’ve ever been.

My husband and I are thirty-four years old and we have four children. Chuck no longer cares about the things he used to love. He used to sing in the choir in church and work on a camper he was building for the family. Now he seems to be looking for a whole new way of life, spending his time dancing in bars and clubs. He is involved with other women, spending money we can’t afford, but nothing satisfies him for long. Tell me, what would you do if you were me?

My husband says I’m too old-fashioned, too moral. But I’m trying to live a Christian life. He says he would rather die than be a Christian. He makes me feel so dirty!

How do I continue this? I ask you. How?

A friend in Christ,

Mabel

Let’s turn to the Christian literature to find answers to Mabel’s question. Listed below are five suggestions which were paraphrased from actual books offering counsel to female victims of infidelity. This passive approach has been the “party line” for several decades, not only in books but also in the advice offered by Christian counselors, pastors, relatives, and friends. Let me ask you to put yourself in Mabel’s situation as you read these recommendations.

1. After you learn of your husband’s infidelity, go to him and tell him again how much you love him. Tell him you don’t intend to let him go, and indeed, that you plan to fight for him. Your persistence will tell him that there might be a chance that you will shape up.

2. Tell your husband that you understand what he’s done, and indicate that you realize you have given him some reason to fool around. Do not label his behavior sinful or immoral.

3. Ask God to reveal your specific failures that have led to your husband’s unfaithfulness. When the answer comes, take this list of shortcomings to your husband and review it with him. Tell him specifically how you think you may have contributed to his need to find another lover and ask for his forgiveness.

4. Don’t expect quick improvement in your relationship with your husband. Your marriage has taken years to get into the mess it’s in, and it may take as long to recover. In the meantime, don’t ask your husband to stop seeing the other lover.

5. Continue treating your husband as the man of the house. Remind him he is still your husband and the father of your children. If he is not living at home, encourage him to eat his meals with you and the children anytime he wants to. Let him know you are ready to meet his sexual needs whenever he comes over.

Certainly, what is recommended here seems like the loving, nonjudgmental thing to do, and in fact, I agree that these suggestions will be entirely appropriate after a reconciliation has occurred. There will be a time for total forgiveness, no mention of the past, admission of personal flaws, and shared responsibility for the problems that developed. Love demands nothing less. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that there are occasions when “unconditional acceptance,” as described above, can be successful in winning back a wayward spouse. I have seen women who permitted their husbands to abuse them, betray them, deprive them, and insult them, yet who returned such love and kindness that the marriage was saved. It does occur. The personality and temperament of the abusing partner is the critical factor here, of course.

Nevertheless, I must report the facts as I see them. A passive approach often leads to the dissolution of the relationship. It is especially destructive in marriages where the unfaithful partner is desperate to escape from the wife he thoroughly disrespects, yet who won’t let him go and instead announces her intention of fighting for him (see item 1 above) no matter what he does to gain his freedom.

Let me make one more attempt to explain why appeasement, even in the name of Christianity, can prove fatal to a marriage. Just as toddlers and teenagers will challenge the authority of their parents precisely for the purpose of testing their confidence and courage, a husband or wife will sometimes do the same. They, like children, want to feel the security of loving discipline which says, “Go this far and no farther.” There is safety in defined limits for human beings of all ages.

In other books I have described what happens when a parent collapses in response to consistent challenges from a child. Respect is lost when the question is asked, “How tough are you?” and the answer comes back, “I’m made of Jell-O!” Not only does the child begin to feel that the parent is unworthy of his respect, but he senses a lack of love in the relationship, too. Genuine love demands toughness in moments of crisis. It’s true for grown-ups, too.

As indicated above, adults will occasionally challenge one another for the same reasons they challenged their parents as children. Unconsciously, perhaps, they are asking the question, “How much courage do you have, and do you love me enough to stop me from doing this foolish thing?” What they need in that moment is loving discipline that forces them to choose between good and bad alternatives. What they don’t need, contrary to the suggestions offered above, is permissiveness, understanding, excuses, removal of guilt, and buckets of tender loving care. To dole out that kind of smother-love at such a time is to reinforce irresponsibility and generate disrespect. It deprives the marriage of mutual accountability!

Let’s look at a couple of specific examples. Suppose a teenager comes home, stoned on amphetamines. He sits in his room for days at a time, popping pills while he deteriorates physically and emotionally. So what should his parents do? Does the adolescent need understanding and rationalization and never a word about his problem? Should his parents tell him how they’ve caused his addiction by their many failures? Is it best that they prop up his life and purchase his narcotics for him? Certainly not. Love must be tough! If they cannot reason with him and encourage him to get help, they should force the issue to a crisis that will save him from himself. By whatever method, including painful confrontation, they must break the cycle of behavior that is destroying their son and get him to seek professional help.

How about the example of a wife whose husband is an alcoholic? Should she “cover” for his drunken condition, lying to his boss and concealing the problem from the neighbors? No, that is the worst course of action for a victim of alcoholism. The best approach is to force a crisis that will bring the matter to a head. Then it can be treated and resolved. (We will discuss this matter in greater detail in subsequent chapters.)

Perhaps my point has been made. Infidelity is an addiction that can destroy a life as quickly as drugs or alcohol. Once a man or woman is hooked on the thrills of sexual conquest, he or she becomes intoxicated with its lust for pleasure. This person needs every available reason to go straight—to clean up his life. He certainly does not need a spouse who says dreamily, “I understand why you need the other woman, David. My goodness! I am so riddled with flaws that it’s no wonder you went looking for someone else. You should see the list of my own stupidities that I’m keeping. Let me propose a course of action: You just go on with your other friendships for a few years while I work on myself, and maybe you’ll eventually feel like being a husband again. Spend our money foolishly if you wish, and I’ll get along somehow. Maybe I can take in ironing or do some babysitting. In the meantime, drop over and I’ll meet your needs anytime you wish. Bring your dirty clothes and a big appetite, too. The kids and I will try to keep the conversation from getting too heavy for you because we sure wouldn’t want you to get the notion that you’re doing something wrong. And David, why don’t you bring your ladyfriend with you the next time you come. I’ll bet she’s a sweetheart.”

That approach is like buying booze for the drunk and drugs for the junkie. It is weak love! It is disastrous!

I hope I’ve made the case for the use of loving toughness in response to blatant rebellion and sin. But the question remains, how is that discipline implemented? Does the offended party scream and cry and throw things? Does he or she run to the nearest telephone to call the attorney? Is it time to play dirty, spreading gossip that will embarrass and hurt the rascal? No! No! No! Those approaches may be tough, but they aren’t loving!

I’ll offer an alternative in the next chapter.

Chapter Seven

The Valley of the Shadow

Anyone who has tried to diet or stop smoking or maintain an exercise program for more than two weeks knows just how difficult it is to eliminate well-entrenched patterns of behavior. We can fight our persistent old habits tooth and nail, but they’re always lurking out there somewhere, threatening to return and subject us again to their servitude. Many of these behavioral characteristics were cut during childhood in channels that run deep and wide. To change our ways of responding now, as adults, requires us to dam up the river, dig new basins, and reroute the flow. It may be the most difficult thing a person is ever asked to do.

That is what the adulterer or the alcoholic or the child abuser is facing. When approached rationally, he will tell us that he dislikes what he has become and wishes he could change. But the old patterns persist, leading him to do tomorrow what he did yesterday. His promises and his declarations are not worth the gunpowder required to blow them up.

How, then, can we help turn him around? What can Linda do to make her husband abandon his female toys? She has tried nagging and begging and being sweet and being angry, but nothing has worked. What now?

Well, if Linda were sitting in my office, I would first suggest that we make her marital problems a matter of concerted prayer.

Any personal crisis should begin at that point, especially when it involves something so important as the stability of a family. Let me make it clear that the advice offered in this book or any other (except the Bible) is mere human wisdom, and is woefully inadequate without the direct leadership of the Holy Spirit. In almost every troubled marriage, there is a spiritual dimension that cannot be brushed aside by the application of psychological principles alone, regardless of how brilliant they sound.

Furthermore, in talking to hundreds of Christians who have seen their families torn apart, I have heard one comment with overwhelming consistency: “I would never have made it without the Lord!” They have then told me how the presence of Jesus Christ was never more real and compassionate than during the worst of the storm, when the winds of tragedy howled around them. It is my privilege, therefore, to direct Linda and all the multitudes who suffer into this harbor of God’s infinite love. I have seen Him turn disaster into triumph, healing wounds and repairing hopelessly shattered relationships.

But it is also true that God often uses pain and crisis to bring a sinful person to his senses. There is something about great stress that takes us back in the direction of responsibility. Remember that the rebellious prodigal son decided to go home to Daddy only when his money ran out and he was eating with the pigs. A daily serving of slop does tend to make one hunger for the fatted calf. In the context of the present discussion, there is a place for a deliberately conceived confrontation in a troubled marriage that may take it literally to the door of death.

For purposes of illustration, let me return to Linda’s situation. At the appropriate moment and armed with the prayer I have described, I would urge her to precipitate a crisis of major proportions. She must give Paul a reason for wanting to reroute his river. He is unlikely to make the investment of energy and self-control to accomplish that task until he absolutely must. It is only when he becomes miserable that he will accept the responsibility for change. It is only when he sees everything of value to him—his home, his children, his wife, his reputation—begin to slip away that his choices will become clear. It is only when the well runs dry that Paul will begin to miss the water.

You see, Linda’s husband needs her to be tough—but loving—at this moment, perhaps more than any other time in his life. He is wavering between responsibility and irresponsibility, admitting that he’s confused as to which path he should pursue. He needs a strong excuse to do the right thing, and he almost seems to be asking Linda to give him that motivation. As long as he is permitted to be “torn between two lovers,” he can postpone a commitment and play one “wife” against the other. That shatters everyone involved.

Unfortunately, Linda is overdue in providing the motivation that Paul needs. It should have come like a clap of thunder the first time he fooled around. I stated earlier that it is not too late for her marriage to be saved, but I can’t be certain of that fact. Linda’s power to draw Paul back has been depleted by the missed opportunities she has squandered. Let me explain why. Whenever sexual indiscretion is occurring, a marital relationship necessarily deteriorates with the passage of time. It is inevitable! Therefore, the influence that a husband or wife holds with which to pull the partner back from the brink is rapidly seeping away. That’s why in instances of infidelity, it is necessary to fire your biggest guns as early in the affair as possible.

What I’m saying is that an early blowout is better than a slow leak! The chances of saving a marriage will never again be as great as they are after the first indiscretion. Remember that Linda’s husband gradually fell in love with the other woman. That slowly developing love would not have been possible if Linda had said to him on the occasion of his third trip to the divorcée’s house: “Paul, you are putting a severe strain on our marriage and I strongly suggest that you hear what I’m saying. If you persist in visiting this girl, you will come home and find me and the kids gone.” If he paid no heed, she should deliver on the promise.

I can hear someone saying, “I thought you didn’t recommend divorce.” I don’t, and I’m not. The choice will rest with the unfaithful partner. But it must be clear to him that he cannot have it both ways. It simply won’t work. And, in fact, the best thing that can happen to a tomcat who prowls around at night is to come home after his first escapade to face reality. Right then, in the aftermath of his foolishness, he needs to feel the full impact of his sin. He should sit in an empty bedroom thinking, “What have I done? What in the world have I gone and done? I have violated the trust of this beautiful woman who has borne my children, devoted herself to my happiness, cared for me when I was ill, and loved me more than I ever deserved. And, in return, what does she get but a selfish cad who would sneak around behind her back and sleep with someone else? Will she ever forgive me? Will my children forgive me? Will God forgive me? Can I ever forgive myself?”

It would be naïve, of course, to assume that this contrite repentance is so easily achieved. It may be months before an affair is discovered, and even when loving toughness is applied, the confrontation between husband and wife is rarely a simple encounter. Games of bluff are played, skirmishes are fought, battles are won and lost. It can be a bloody engagement, even within the context of love. That is why I recommend that the victim—the one who is trying desperately to hold things together—never head for such a crisis without the guidance of a Christian professional who can help steer the course. Whenever I am assisting a vulnerable man or woman through these turbulent waters, I make myself available by phone both night and day to encourage them and help manage the conflict. I also request the prayerful support of every believer who knows and loves the family that is under fire.

Even in these difficult relationships where the fury of hell itself is unleashed on the more responsible partner, there are rewards for hanging tough. Remember that the basic marital problem usually involves matters of respect, which are often generated during instances of confrontation. I can’t explain why this is true of human nature, but I know that it is. I learned that lesson when I was in high school.

I had just moved to a small Texas city in my junior year of high school and attended a football game the first Friday night. Since I knew no one, I sat among unfamiliar students in the stadium. I must have looked like an easy mark to an eleventh-grader named Ellis, who sat behind me and repeatedly hit me on the head with his rolled-up program. After two or three verbal exchanges between us, I turned around and jumped on his belly. I pounded him on the head and shoulders while he flailed at my body. It was a typical high school free-for-all with very little damage done to either of us. But believe it or not, that was the prelude to a deep and lasting friendship between Ellis and me. It was based on mutual respect. I overheard him telling another student in the hall later that year, “I wouldn’t mess with Dobson. He doesn’t look like a fighter, but he’s tough as nails.” My other bosom buddy from the same era was a 180-pound senior named Harlan with whom I slugged it out one Saturday morning. That fight ended in a bloody draw, but again, it precipitated genuine admiration between Harlan and me.

Applying this concept to romantic affairs now, the same characteristic is often evident. How frequently it happens that a dating couple will become engaged or will rush toward marriage shortly after recovering from the worst fight in their history together. I am not recommending that Linda, Faye, Nancy, Mabel, and the others try to bowl their husbands over with anger or hit them with frying pans. I am saying that by having the courage to stand up for themselves, they may regenerate a portion of the respect they have lost.

Finally, let’s return to the problem of the “trapped” syndrome. The person who is feeling smothered can find instant relief if you, his partner, will implement the advice I have given. By making it clear that there are limits to what you can tolerate, you are showing self-respect and confidence. Strangely, that often draws the partner toward you. Some especially immature people absolutely have to feel there is a challenge in the relationship to be satisfied with it. Such individuals might even need to hear the door starting to close on the marriage before wanting to hustle back inside.

“Ridiculous!” you say. Of course it is. We only have one life to live so why spend it testing our loved ones and measuring the limits of their endurance? I don’t know. But that’s the way we are made. Why else will a toddler or a five-year-old or a teenager deliberately disobey his parents for no other reason than to determine how far Mom and Dad can be pushed? That same urge to test the limits causes students to harass teachers, employees to challenge bosses, privates to disobey sergeants, and so on. And regrettably, it leads some husbands and wives to test the ones they love, too. What is required in each instance is discipline and self-respect by the one on trial.

Now that I’ve presented the rationale for a period of confrontation in response to infidelity or other instances of blatant disrespect, I must hasten to explain what I mean by a crisis. I mentioned the possibility that Linda might separate from Paul to emphasize the seriousness of their situation. That is one way to heat things up, certainly, but moving out is not a step to take lightly. It may be the only method of getting a person’s attention, but that is a decision requiring great individual wisdom and caution and prayer. The crisis of which I speak may or may not involve separation, but definitely encompasses much more.

The precipitated crisis, first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands, and whimpering like an abused puppy, you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, “I believe in me. I’m no longer afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I’m not talking about. I’ve had my day of sorrow, and I’m through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in the path.”

Not that you should say these things with words, of course.

In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It’s your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information. Remember the words of Nancy in her letter: “I long to get inside [my husband’s] head and find out how he feels, but he simply won’t talk about personal things.” That is typical.

I’m recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully, too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with him hiding his cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than he should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan. Under no circumstances should this book be shared or discussed. And certainly, never make such statements as, “I cried all night last night, Mindy. Oh, can’t you see how much I need you!” Crunch goes the sound of the cage door coming back down. Crack goes the sound of respect starting to splinter again. Slam goes the sound of the door on Mindy’s way out.

It is also important during this time of crisis not to do the predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. He knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. He has memorized all your little “prerecorded” phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don’t offer him suggestions when you would typically do so. Don’t make those inane remarks he’s heard for twenty years. Don’t be so predictable! Your purpose, you see, is to convince this man or woman that events are swirling out of control and may take him in directions he has not anticipated. The old rules don’t apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the “challenge” is gone. It’s become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down.

And by all means, unless there is business to be conducted, don’t telephone a spouse who has separated. But if a call is necessary, state your reason for phoning after a few words of small talk and then get on with the matter at hand. When your business is finished, politely terminate the call and hang up. Do not, I repeat, do not get dragged into the usual verbal brawls. You don’t want to appear to be an uptight crybaby merely covered by a thin veneer of poise. If you explode as you did in the past, it will be evident that you are, as he suspected, the weak old pushover he has come to disrespect. There may be a moment for anger if he insults you, but in that case keep your response crisp, controlled, and confident.

An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces the tears and self-pity of earlier days. Curiosity infects the aloof party, and he begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, he’s coming your way. He’s saying, “You seem different tonight,” and, “I hope you’re beginning to get over our problems.” He’s baiting you to find out what’s going on inside. It is uncomfortable for him to observe that changes are occurring which he neither controls nor understands. Tell him nothing. He needs to wonder.

Throughout these changes, you must be careful not to behave in unloving ways. Remember that with God’s help, you are attempting to build new bridges to this disrespectful, trapped partner. Don’t burn them before they reach the other shore. Don’t call him names, except to label his harmful behavior for what it is. Don’t try to hurt him with gossip or even embarrassing truth. Don’t telephone his family and try to undermine his position with them. Don’t inflame hatred in the children of your union. And don’t forget that your purpose is to be tough, yes, but loving as well.

Though it may be obvious, perhaps I should take just a moment to explain why these changes in manner and response are so necessary. Some may think I’m recommending silly little cat-and-mouse games to people who are engaged in life-and-death struggles. Isn’t it a bit childish, they may say, to pretend to be confident when you’re dying inside? Not so. These are the conclusions I’ve drawn from a lifetime of counseling experience.

The partner who is threatening to leave or chase another lover is rarely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s doing the right thing. He’s equipped with a God-given conscience, after all, that is hammering him with guilt. You can be quite certain of that. He may appear resolute and determined, but we must assume that a tug-of-war is going on inside. He feels terrible about hurting his kids, for one thing. Furthermore, a spark of love may exist for you as the woman of his youth, glowing somewhere beneath his cold exterior. While his manner is saying, “I don’t care anymore,” he may be engaged in these kinds of secret conversations in his mind: “Have I hurt the best friend I ever had? Maybe I should call off this whole affair. But I sure don’t want my relationship with Sue to go back to what it used to be. I do think I could love her again.” Round and round go the pros and cons.

We can assume that some degree of self-doubt exists in a majority of husbands and wives who are threatening to leave. It certainly appears to be characteristic of Linda’s husband, Paul (see pp. 19–20). He just can’t decide which woman he wants. We know, therefore, that Linda is still in the running, and that’s good news. But how can she protect and encourage the tiny spark that smolders in his heart? Clearly, she must not smother it! She should give it plenty of room to breathe, hoping it will grow into a small flame. That is accomplished by calling off the offensive. Instead of pressuring Paul to act a certain way and to come home, Linda needs to make him wonder if he could get her back. Freedom, you see, is the fuel of romantic fire!

Now we come to the most important part of the crisis experience. I’m referring to a face-to-face encounter which must certainly occur soon. In fact, there will be several critical exchanges when you will be called upon to state your case. Don’t blunder into those conversations unprepared. Carefully organize your thoughts and rehearse what you plan to convey. Talk this over with your counselor-advisor, seeking his perspectives on the issues. The central theme of the encounter should not focus on what you hope your partner will do, but on your own conclusions. If I were Linda, for example, I would say something like this:

It’s a curious thing, Paul, how a person loses all perspective when he’s so close to a problem. It becomes difficult to see the issues clearly, and that has definitely happened to me in recent months. But in the past few weeks I’ve been able to pull back from our difficulties, and I now see everything in an entirely new light. It is incredible just how foolish I have been since you decided to leave. I have tolerated your unfaithfulness for almost a year and was even so naïve as to permit Susan to come into our bedroom. I can’t believe now that I did that. I guess I just loved you so much that I was willing to do anything you demanded, just to keep you from leaving me.

But I’ll tell you, Paul, those days are over! If you want to go, you can certainly do so. In fact, that may be for the best. I doubt if I can ever trust you again or feel for you as I once did. I wasn’t a perfect wife, to be sure, but no other man has touched me since I pledged myself to you. But you violated my trust—not once but repeatedly for all these months. I’m no longer special to you—I’m just one of a crowd. I can’t live with that. I’d rather face life alone than as a member of your harem. If Susan is the one you want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. I’m still not sure how something so wonderful became so dirty and distorted, but that is between you and the Lord. We both have to answer to Him in our own way, and my conscience is clear.

So where do we go from here, Paul? I’ve been doing some intensive thinking, and believe you should pack up and leave. It just won’t work for you to hopscotch between Susan and me, sleeping with us both and trying to make it all seem so normal. You say you aren’t sure which one you want? Well, that isn’t very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but now that could be gone with the toss of a coin. What we both need is some time apart. I think you should find another place to stay, perhaps with Susan if you wish. If in the future you decide you want to be my husband, then we’ll talk about it. I make no promises, however. I’m doing everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself any more pain. It’s not going to be easy. You were my only love—the only one I ever wanted. But that was then and this is now. God bless you, Paul. The kids and I will miss you.

Can there be any doubt that Paul would be shocked by this candid approach? For over a year, he’s been trying to get this nagging woman off his back. She has called him on the phone and begged him to come over—and inevitably, ended each conversation in tears. He has done everything to escape from Linda’s cage, including insulting her, making ridiculous sexual demands, and threatening a divorce. But nothing has worked. He wonders, “How in the world can the ol’ lady keep her self-respect? I treat her like a dog, and she just keeps coming back!” Linda is obviously desperate.

Then, without warning, her entire demeanor begins to change. The next time they are together, Linda seems more confident, more in control. She asks for nothing and even appears rather bored with the conversation. “What’s going on?” Paul wonders. “Has she found another man? Is some dude moving in on my territory? Is he going to be sleeping in my bed and expecting my kids to call him Dad? Hold on a minute! Am I about to lose something very important to me?”

Two weeks later, Linda delivers the speech I suggested. She feels uncomfortable trying to say it face-to-face, so she sits down and expresses her thoughts in writing. (This is recommended since words can be chosen more carefully without counterarguments and interruptions; also, a letter becomes a permanent document to be read and reread in the days ahead.)

Paul finds the envelope in his mailbox that evening when he gets home from work. “Here we go again,” he sighs. “I’ll bet Linda is begging me not to see Susan anymore.” Instead, she has granted him freedom to leave and even urged him to do so. His cage door springs open, and his wife suddenly takes on an aura of self-respect and dignity. For a certain percentage of people like Linda and Paul, that is the beginning of the healing process.

Chapter Eight

Three Women Who Tried It

I wish that it might be possible for you, the reader, to get behind my eyes and perceive our subject as I see it. If only you could know intimately the brokenhearted husbands and wives I have counseled who floundered on a policy of appeasement and panic, and then with God’s help, discovered the principles of self-respect and romantic freedom. But more important, I wish I could convey the broader applicability of these concepts to those with healthy marriages, to dating teenagers and unmarried adults, to employers and parents and governments. Respect, the critical ingredient in human affairs, is generated by quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy. It is assassinated by hand-wringing, groveling in the dirt, and pleas for mercy.

Given the limitations of language in attempting to convey these concepts, it seems advantageous to let my friends tell their own stories. In this chapter are letters from three women who have been where Roger, Linda, Faye, and Nancy are today.8 They wrote to me in response to a series of radio programs devoted to the topic of this book. I think you will find their experience to be inspirational and enlightening.

We’ll begin with an anonymous letter from a very intelligent lady who knows the meaning of pain.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

After listening to your radio series, Love Must Be Tough, I would like to tell you my own story. It is difficult to discuss the facts, even today, because my husband was a prominent minister serving a large congregation before he fell into sin.

It all started when a man from our church appeared at my front door, asking if he could talk to me. He brought with him a letter which proved unmistakably that my husband was involved with another woman. I never dreamed that anything was going on, and my shock was overwhelming. The man told me the full details, and after leaving, proceeded to tell the rest of the world. He reproduced the documents and circulated them throughout our church and all over town.

Dr. Dobson, never in my life have I felt so all alone as when this affair became public knowledge. I was treated like a “leper” by members of our congregation. My husband was immediately forced to resign, requiring us to move out of the parsonage. Suddenly, we had no home, no job, no money, and very few friends. We had given our lives to helping other people, but no one was there when we were down. I can’t describe the anger and scorn that was hurled at us. We were subjected to physical threats, harassment by mail and by phone, damage to our property, incredible gossip, and false accusations. It was an awful time of our lives.

Not only had I lost everything overnight, but my marriage was about gone, too. Before moving, I went into my bedroom and fell on my face before God, asking Him to take over. He was the only one I could talk to. A person simply does not discuss such matters with those who don’t understand. Finally, the Lord directed me to a wise counselor who sat and listened to my story. I told him of my great guilt for the role I played in our problems and how terrible I felt. I’ll never forget his reply.

He told me not to take the blame for my husband’s affair, and that nothing I had done could justify his infidelity. He advised me to stand up and be firm with him, even though it would be difficult. It was, he said, the only way to save our marriage. We agreed that divorce was not the answer, even though I had scriptural grounds to leave him. I decided to pay the price to confront my husband.

A few months later the crisis came. I gave Milan an ultimatum—either go with the other woman or stay with me. He could not have both of us any longer. I put my hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye and said, “You know you are to blame for what has happened to us. You committed adultery, I didn’t.” I told him if he loved the other woman more than me, then he should leave. I would accept it. I reminded him that he had a soul and would someday answer to God.

Milan not only broke off the affair, but he later thanked me for having the courage to stick it out with him through this difficult time. It was not easy but we worked it out and our family survived.

Since then, God has blessed us tremendously. The Lord helped me forgive Milan, reminding me that He had also forgiven so many of my sins. We are now back in the ministry in Oregon, and my husband is more effective for God than he has ever been. Our three children have adjusted well. I shielded them from hate for the church or disrespect for their father. They love their dad so much.

Yes, Dr. Dobson, Love must be tough! Had I given up and taken the easy way out, our story would not have had such a happy ending. It took hard work, struggle, and prayer, but the Lord put our home back together. At first I thought I would never be able to smile again, but He has removed the clouds and brought us sunshine once more.

I know it isn’t proper not to sign one’s name, but under the circumstances, I feel it is better to remain anonymous. I would love to meet you and Shirley, sometime.

Isn’t that an inspirational letter? It should be obvious why I wanted to share it in this context. Unfortunately, adultery among the clergy is becoming increasingly common. Ministers are usually busy men in high-pressure positions that limit the amount of time they can spend with their families. When that strain at home is combined with the natural access ministers have to admiring women, the temptations for indiscretion are apparent. The same condition prevails in my profession, as well. One study revealed that 25 percent of female students in secular schools of psychology have slept with their major professors during their graduate training. What an incredible commentary that is on the moral state of the so-called “helping sciences”! Let’s turn now to another letter that came in response to the same series of broadcasts. It is representative of hundreds that were received.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I listened to your radio program last week and was so glad to hear you tell a person how to handle adultery by a spouse. I went through this during the past two years. My first counselor told me to be kind, loving, etc., and to win him back by my pleasantness. It didn’t work. Things got worse until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

That’s when I went to another counselor and also sought the advice of my pastor. They both advised me to be strong, as you suggested. It was so different and seemed unscriptural, yet the Lord used them to teach me how to cope with the situation. Gradually, I felt better about myself, and my self-respect returned. Then the Lord brought my husband back. It has been almost a year now since we started over and things are going well.

I want to encourage you to keep up the advice that love must be tough. It is hard to let go—especially when you are so confused and hurt. But it was only when I did turn loose that the Lord worked more in my husband’s life.

If you ever print that series of messages, send me a copy please.

In Christ,

Lonna

Admittedly, these letters sound like phony Cinderella stories designed to support my particular biases. However, they represent real letters on file from living, breathing people who exist somewhere out there in the American culture. (I have changed some of the details to conceal the identities of the writers and to eliminate irrelevant comments.) The majority of the responses I received to the Love Must Be Tough broadcasts were like the ones I have shared—strong testimonials for the advice I’ve offered. Not every marriage was saved, of course. I am certainly no magician and the application of toughness does not remove the free will of a wayward spouse. But even when divorce was reported by those who wrote, the advantages of quiet self-respect as opposed to unbridled panic were usually apparent.

Finally, let’s look at a letter from a woman who saw herself in the examples I gave. Her husband is holding her by force, and she is disrespecting him in return. I found this response interesting from one who represents the other side of the coin.

Dear Friend,

I listened in amazement to your radio program, Love Must Be Tough, and saw my own marriage in your discussion. I have known it was troubled but didn’t understand why. Now it is clear.

You see, I have had many of the disrespectful attitudes toward my husband that you described (did you read my mind?). I have been embarrassed by him in public because he is not a good conversationalist and because he seems so dumb (although he is not). I was actually ashamed to be with him!

On the other hand, you described my husband correctly, too. He has had a stranglehold of control over me, resenting any friendships or commitments I’ve had outside the home.

I can see now that we were responding to each other’s attitudes without a word being spoken about either. I was feeling stifled and he was feeling rejected.

Although I have not sought an extramarital affair, I can see now that I have been a prime candidate for one. I don’t want that for myself or my family! Mixed in with my feelings is the low self-esteem you talked about, too.

We have a Christian counseling center here in St. Louis which I have consulted in the past. A counselor there told me some of the same things you said on the radio, but I was not ready to hear them. Now I am. I believe God used your comments to open my eyes to our problems so that He can heal them.

I thank God for the power and strength of your ministry and the way He is using it to speak to my needs. Facing oneself is not easy, but the growth that results is exciting. How many times that old adage, “Ignorance is bliss,” has been shown to be so much nonsense in my life.

Love,

Charlotte

For all those readers who could not write positive and hopeful letters like those I’ve shared, I trust that God will use these pages to encourage you and begin the healing process. The Lord is, after all, in the business of performing miracles.

Chapter Nine

Questions and Answers

It is never possible to cover all aspects of a topic so complex as the emotional interplay between human beings. Something important is certain to be left out of the text. In those instances, I have found it useful to toss in a section devoted to questions and answers. That permits me to gather up loose ends and elaborate on areas of confusion.

The following questions are obviously written for this purpose, therefore, but they represent actual inquiries I’ve heard from hundreds of people with a need to know.

Q. My wife has been involved in an affair with her boss for six months. I’ve known about it from the beginning but just haven’t been able to confront her. Melanie acts like she doesn’t love me anyway. If I give her an ultimatum I could lose her completely. Can you assure me that that won’t happen? Have you ever offered the love must be tough advice and had it backfire, ending in divorce?

A. Yes, I have, and I certainly understand your caution. I wish I could guarantee how Melanie will react to a firmer approach. Unfortunately, life offers few certainties, even when all the probabilities point in one direction. Sometimes well-conditioned athletes drop dead from heart attacks. Some outstanding parents raise children who rebel and become drug addicts. Some of the most intelligent, cautious businessmen foolishly bankrupt themselves. Life is like that. Things happen every day that shouldn’t have occurred. Nevertheless, we should go with the best information available to us. I read a sign on a wall this week that said, “The fastest horses don’t always win, but you should still bet on them.” Even as a nongambler, that makes sense to me.

Having offered that explanation, let me say that there is nothing risky about treating oneself with greater respect, exhibiting confidence and poise, pulling backward and releasing the door on the romantic trap. The positive benefits of that approach are often immediate and dramatic. Loving self-respect virtually never fails to have a salutary effect on a drifting lover, unless there is not the tiniest spark left to fan. Thus, in instances when opening the cage door results in a spouse’s sudden departure, the relationship was in the coffin already. I’m reminded of the old proverb that says, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” There is great truth in that adage, and it applies to your relationship with your wife.

Now, obviously, it is risky to precipitate a period of crisis. When explosive individuals are involved in midlife turmoil or a passionate fling with a new lover, great acts and wisdom are required to know when and how to respond. That’s why Christian professional counsel is vital before, during, and after the confrontation. It would be unthinkable of me to recommend that victims of affairs indiscriminately pose ultimatums with twenty-four-hour deadlines, or that they push an independent partner into a corner. Great caution is needed in such delicate conflicts, and certainly, no move should be made without much prayer and supplication before the Lord.

In short, I suggest that you seek the assistance of a competent counselor who can help you deal with the problem of Melanie’s affair.

Q. If you were the counselor who was helping someone manage a crisis situation like the one described above, you would obviously be making recommendations that could kill the marriage. Doesn’t that make you nervous? Have you ever regretted taking a family in this direction?

A. To answer that question, you need to understand how I see my situation. My role is similar to that of a surgeon who tells a patient that he needs a coronary artery bypass operation. The man sits in his doctor’s office, hearing the probabilities of success and failure. “If you undergo this operation,” the doctor says, “you’ll have—we’ll say—a 3 percent chance of not surviving the surgery.” Wow! Three out of every hundred people who submit to the knife will die on the table! Why would anyone run that risk voluntarily? Because the chances of death are far greater without the surgery.

The love must be tough confrontations and ultimatum are like that. They may result in the sudden demise of a relationship. But, without the crisis, there is a much higher probability of a lingering death. Instead of bringing the matter to a head while there is a chance for healing, the alternative is to stand by while the marriage dies with a whimper. I’d rather take my chances today, before further damage is done. As I said, a blowout is better than a slow leak.

Q. My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is just like Linda’s; he’s running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?

A. It’s difficult to say without knowing the details, but I can tell you this. I’ve seen dozens of families who were in your fix but are now happy and whole. I taught a Sunday school class for young married couples for a number of years, and right there under my nose in a conservative church, infidelity was a surprisingly common event. There was one period of time during which I dealt with nineteen different couples where extramarital affairs had either occurred or were seriously threatening. These families are still known to me, and nine of them are apparently happily married today. Though this percentage may seem low, remember that these were families on the verge of divorce that have now survived ten years or longer. Loving toughness played a role in their recovery, although their commitment to the Christian faith was the significant factor. So yes, hope springs eternal, as well it should.

Let me give you one final word of encouragement. Nothing can seem so fixed but change so rapidly as human emotions. When it comes to romantic endeavors, feelings can turn upside down in a day or two. I’ve seen husbands or wives who expressed hatred for their spouses, saying, “I never want to see you again,” only to fall weeping in the other person’s arms some hours later.

Hang tough. God isn’t through with you and your husband yet.

Q. You’ve referred to the case of Linda and Paul repeatedly throughout the book. Tell me what you would recommend to her if Paul came back asking her to forgive him and take him back. Should she just throw her arms open and pretend the affair never happened?

A. Well, she should certainly take him back. That’s the point of everything I’ve written. But her power to negotiate needed changes will never be greater than in that moment, and she should not deal it away too quickly. I would suggest that she get Paul’s written commitment to participate in counseling immediately, not even waiting two or three weeks to get started. Old patterns will persist if serious effort is not made to change them. This family also has some deep wounds to work through and they’re not likely to complete that healing process on their own. Linda must make it clear that never again—and I mean never—will she tolerate sexual unfaithfulness. Paul needs this motivation to go straight. He must know, and believe, that one more romp with another lover and the sky will surely fall. Linda must convince him that she means business. If he wavers, even slightly, she should give him another month or two to sit somewhere wishing he could come home. Better that they continue at the door of matrimonial death now than to go through the misery of infidelity again in a few years. Finally, Linda should insist on some major spiritual commitments within the family. This couple is going to need the healing powers of God and His grace if they are to rebuild what sin has eroded.

Then when Linda gets Paul home again, she should work like never before to make the man happy.

Q. How difficult is it for people to implement the advice you are offering? I’m referring to the wounded and broken person who sees everything slipping away. Isn’t it really tough for that man or woman to square up his or her shoulders and face the possibility of losing the one he/she loves?

A. Sure, it’s hard. Some people have told me flatly that they couldn’t do it. Others never quite comprehend what I’ve said. But to those who make even a small step in the direction of confidence, the rewards are instantaneous. For the person who has cried for days and lost a lot of weight and chewed the fingernails off both hands, you can’t imagine what a relief it is to gain some self-respect again. Then when his partner also shows a measure of respect for the first time in months, the effect is exhilarating. As a bystander, I love it too!

Q. Several months ago my husband announced that he was divorcing me for another woman. Since then he has been seeing her regularly, but he hasn’t left home and seems to be in a state of confusion. He’s lost fifteen pounds and just looks terrible. What do you think is going on in his mind? He won’t talk to me about his feelings, and he becomes angry when I ask him questions.

A. It is likely that your husband is experiencing intense guilt and conflict that often accompanies a selfish and sinful act such as infidelity. God has placed a little voice in the human soul that screams bloody murder at such moments, although some of us have learned to stuff a fist in its mouth. Even when we ignore its condemnation, the conscience is a formidable opponent of irresponsibility, and it will not permit gross violations of moral laws without a struggle. It is not uncommon for a person in this situation to experience a kind of internal war that can only be resolved in one of three ways: (1) the conscience wins and the person returns to the morally upright life; (2) the person rationalizes so effectively that his behavior begins to seem pure and holy; or (3) the conscience wins but the person persists in doing what he wants to do anyway.

People in this third category, which may include your husband, can be some of the most miserable men and women on the face of the earth. Their behavior has contradicted their personal code of ethics and all attempts to reconcile the two have been futile. Stated another way, these individuals are in a dogfight with their consciences, and the fur is flying in all directions. Not only psychological disorders but physical illness can result from such disharmony! A person who is going through this internal conflict often experiences depression, weight loss, sleepless nights, nail biting, etc. The ordeal is extremely uncomfortable to the sensitive individual.

If we are right about your husband’s frame of mind, you can expect him to commit himself very quickly either to you or the other woman. It is simply too painful to remain in suspended animation between good and evil. I would advise you to seek professional counsel as to whether this is the proper moment to require your husband to make his choice. With the few facts I’ve been given, I would lean in that direction.

Q. It has always been my understanding that marriage was supposed to be based on unconditional love. That is, the commitment to one another should be independent of behavior, no matter how offensive or unfaithful. But your concept of accountability in marriage seems to be saying, “I will love you as long as you do what I want.”

A. You’ve misunderstood my point. The limitations of language make it very difficult to explain this concept adequately, but let me try again. I certainly believe in the validity of unconditional love, and in fact, the mutual accountability I have recommended is an expression of that love! For example, if a husband (or wife) is behaving in ways that will harm himself, his children, his marriage, and the family of the “other woman,” then confrontation with him becomes an act of love. The easiest response by the innocent partner would be to look the other way and pretend she doesn’t notice. But from my perspective, that is tantamount to a parent’s refusing to confront a fourteen-year-old who comes home drunk at 4:00 A.M. The mother or father has an obligation to create a crisis in response to destructive behavior. I’m trying to say that unconditional love is not synonymous with permissiveness, passivity, and weakness. Sometimes it requires toughness and discipline and accountability.

Q. When my wife left me for another man, I felt like the whole thing was my fault. I still feel that way. I had never even looked at another woman, yet here I am taking the blame for her affair. Rationally, I know I’m very unfair to myself, but I can’t help it. Or can I?

A. It is the typical reaction of a victim, like yourself, to take the full responsibility for the behavior of an unfaithful spouse. I dealt with this situation in a prior book and feel it might be helpful to quote from that source here:

It has always been surprising for me to observe how often the wounded marriage partner—the person who was clearly the victim of the other’s irresponsibility—is the one who suffers the greatest pangs of guilt and feelings of inferiority. How strange that the one who tried to hold things together in the face of obvious rejection often finds herself wondering, “How did I fail him?—I just wasn’t woman enough to hold my man . . . I am ‘nothing’ or he wouldn’t have left . . . If only I had been more exciting as a sexual partner . . . I drove him to it . . . I wasn’t pretty enough . . . I didn’t deserve him in the first place.”

The blame for marital disintegration is seldom the fault of the husband or wife alone. It takes two to tangle, as they say, and there is always some measure of shared blame for a divorce. However, when one marriage partner makes up his mind to behave irresponsibly, to become involved extramaritally, or to run from his family commitments and obligations, he usually seeks to justify his behavior by magnifying the failures of his spouse. “You didn’t meet my needs, so I had to satisfy them somewhere else,” is the familiar accusation. By increasing the guilt of his partner in this way, he reduces his own culpability. For a husband or wife with low self-esteem, these charges and recriminations are accepted as fact when hurled his way. “Yes, it was my fault. I drove you to it!” Thus, the victim assumes the full responsibility for his partner’s irresponsibility, and self-worth shatters.

I would not recommend that you sit around hating the memory of your husband. Bitterness and resentment are emotional cancers that rot us from within. However, I would encourage you to examine the facts carefully. Answers to these questions should be sought: “Despite my human frailties, did I value my marriage and try to preserve it? Did my husband decide to destroy it and then seek justification for his actions? Was I given a fair chance to resolve the areas of greatest irritation? Could I have held him, even if I had made all the changes he wanted? Is it reasonable that I should hate myself for this thing that has happened?”

You should know that social rejection breeds feelings of inferiority and self-pity in enormous proportions. And rejection by the one you love, particularly, is the most powerful destroyer of self-esteem in the entire realm of human experience. You might begin to see yourself as a victim of this process, rather than a worthless failure at the game of love.9

Q. My wife tried to make me feel guilty when she left. She angrily blamed me for the divorce, despite my desperate attempts to hold things together. In her mind, I failed so miserably as a husband that she was forced to run around with her boss! Are you saying that this transfer of responsibility is typical when one spouse has been unfaithful?

A. Yes, it often happens. Guilt is a very painful emotion, and the person who is willfully tearing up a home in pursuit of a new lover is in an uncomfortable position. He or she feels condemnation from four primary sources—from the rejected husband or wife, from the children, from friends and associates, and from God. In order to justify his behavior, he energetically constructs a verbal defense around those who would testify against him in a court of moral law. His purpose, of course, is to make adultery seem reasonable and downright godly. That takes some creativity!

Ask any victim of an affair; he or she has probably heard a specialized version of the following rationalizations:

1. To resolve marital guilt . . . “I know that what I’m doing is difficult for you now, but someday you will understand that it is for the best. I never really loved you even when we were young. In fact, we should never have gotten married in the first place. Furthermore, this divorce is really your fault. You drove me to it by _______________ [insert grievances here, such as frigidity, in-law problems, nagging, overwork, or all the foregoing].”

This message has a transparent purpose. The first sentence marvelously purifies the motives of the unfaithful spouse. It says, in effect, “I’m really doing this for your good.” The second sentence is also a beauty. It is designed to serve as an “annulment” to the marriage instead of a cruel abandonment of a loved one. By saying that they should never have gotten married, their union becomes an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship which God Himself ordained and cemented. (Henry VIII used this approach to eject his first wife, Catherine of Aragon.) Then by putting the remaining responsibility on the other party, what was left of the blame is successfully transferred from the guilty to the innocent. So much for wedding vows. Now let’s deal with the children.

2. To resolve parental guilt . . . “This will be hard on the kids for a while, but they’ll be better off in the long run. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we’ve been doing. Besides, I will spend just as much time with them after things settle down as I do now.”

Zap! Zap! Guilt over the children is also tucked away. Would you believe that Dad’s escapade with another woman or Mom’s flight with Don Juan is actually a constructive thing? Never mind what the children see and comprehend with their big, beautiful eyes. Pay no heed to the conclusions they draw about why Mommy or Daddy left, and why he or she doesn’t love them anymore, and why God let it happen, and why the divorce may have been their fault, and why life is so painful and scary. Try to ignore the fact that everything stable has just come unstitched in the lives of some very impressionable and sensitive kids. Don’t think about it, and maybe your rapidly beating heart will return to normal again. Guilt over the children can be the toughest to rationalize, but fortunately, hundreds of books and tapes are available today that will help you silence your writhing conscience.

3. To resolve social guilt . . . “I’m sure our friends won’t understand at first, and I can hardly wait to hear what your mother will have to say. But it’s like I told the pastor last week, our divorce is really no one’s fault. We’ve just outgrown each other. People change as the years go by, and relationships have to change to accommodate them.” (If a woman is speaking she may say: “Besides, I am entitled to do what’s best for me once in a while. I’ve given my entire life to everyone else—now it’s time for me to think of myself. It’s only fair that I fit into the picture at some point, and this is it. Anyway, what’s right for me will prove best for you and the children, too.”)

This line of reasoning has been provided for women in recent decades almost word for word by the more radical elements of the feminist movement. It is only one of many rationalizations by which selfishness can be purified and made to appear altruistic. Three down and one to go.

4. To resolve divine guilt . . . “I’ve prayed about this decision, and I am now certain that God approves of what I’ve chosen to do.”

There it is, folks, in living color—the ultimate rationalization. If the Creator in His infinite wisdom has taken the matter under advisement and judged the divorce to be in the best interest of everyone, who can argue that point further? The conversation is over. Sin has been sanctified. Guilt is expunged. Self-respect is restored . . . and, alas, evil has prevailed. Having settled the “big four,” every moral and spiritual obstacle is removed. The stage is set for separation and/or divorce.

Q. I know now that my husband is a “womanizer”—a guy who can’t resist anything in a skirt. Will he always be like this? Can I change him?

A. It is difficult, if not impossible, to change anyone. It certainly cannot be accomplished by nagging and complaining and chastising. That only causes a person to dig in his heels and fight to the finish. What you can do is what I’ve suggested in this book: make it clear to your husband that he can’t have you and a harem too, and that he must make a choice between his lust and his love. Unfortunately, merely putting these alternatives before him verbally will not force him to select one over the other. He would rather have both toys. That’s why there will probably come a time for loving toughness when you back your words by firmness and definitive action. Remember in that difficult hour that God can change your husband, and that the crisis may be a divine vehicle to bring him to his senses.

Q. You implied earlier that the love must be tough philosophy has broad applicability. I understand its role in reconstructing a bad marriage. How would it function in a good relationship?

A. The best way of keeping a marriage healthy is to maintain a system of mutual accountability, within the context of love. Speaking personally, the secret of my beautiful relationship with Shirley for the past forty-plus years has involved a careful protection of the “line of respect” between us. This is a difficult concept to convey, and its function is different from one personality to another. Perhaps by explaining how it operates between Shirley and me, I can help the reader adapt the principle to his own circumstances.

Suppose I work in my office two hours longer than usual on a particular night, knowing Shirley is preparing a special candlelight dinner. The phone sits there on my desk, but I lack the concern to make a brief call to explain. As the evening wears on, Shirley wraps the cold food in foil and puts it in the refrigerator. Then suppose when I finally get home, I do not apologize. Instead, I sit down with a newspaper and abruptly tell Shirley to get my dinner ready. You can bet there’ll be a few minutes of fireworks in the Dobson household. Shirley will rightfully interpret my behavior as insulting and will move to defend the “line of respect” between us. We will talk it out, and next time I’ll be more considerate.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose Shirley knows I need the car at 2 P.M. for some important purpose, but she deliberately keeps me waiting. Perhaps she sits in a restaurant with a lady friend, drinking coffee and talking. Meanwhile, I’m pacing the floor at home wondering where she is. It is very likely that my lovely wife will hear about my dissatisfaction when she gets home. The “line of respect” has been violated, even though the offense was minor.

This is what I mean by mutual accountability. Such minor conflict in a marriage plays a positive role in establishing what is and is not acceptable behavior. Some instances of disrespect are petty, like the two examples I gave, but when they are permitted to pass unnoticed, two things happen. First, the offender is unaware that he has stepped over the line and is likely to repeat the indiscretion later. In fact, he may go farther into the other person’s territory the next time. Second, the person who felt insulted then internalizes the small irritation rather than spilling it out. As the interpretation of disrespect grows and the corresponding agitation accumulates in a storage tank, the stage is set for an eventual explosion, rather than a series of minor ventilations.

What I’m saying is that some things are worth fighting over, and at the top of the list is the “line of respect.” Most of my conflicts with Shirley have occurred over some behavior that one of us interpreted as unhealthy to the relationship. Shirley may say to me, in effect, “Jim, what you did was selfish, and I can’t let it pass.” She is careful not to insult me in the confrontation, keeping her criticism focused on the behavior to which she objected.

A workable system of checks and balances of this nature helps a couple keep their marriage on course for a marathon rather than a sprint. And I can assure you, Shirley and I are going for the distance!

Q. That philosophy contradicts what I have been taught by Christian leaders who say as believers, “We have no rights.” If I understand what they say, I should not even notice instances of disrespect because I have no rights to be defended. Do you disagree?

A. Perhaps. That “no rights” philosophy would be unbeatable if both partners were totally mature, unselfish, and loving. Unfortunately, we are all riddled with imperfection and self-serving desires. Therefore, we need reinforcement and accountability in order to do what is right. When only one member of the family buys the “no rights” concept and tries to implement it, a marriage can be blown apart. Why? Because the nonparticipating spouse begins to crawl all over the “line of respect.” He gets the lion’s share of everything—money, sex, power, fun and games, etc. Knowing the partner’s spiritual obligation, he feels entitled by divine decree to do as he pleases.

The Christian spouse who is clinging desperately to this theological understanding is not made of steel. Nor is he blind. He sees instance after instance of disrespect and does his best to ignore them. But they go straight into a memory bank, whether he wishes to store them or not. That’s the way he’s made. Then one day when his resistance is down, perhaps when he is exhausted, or, in a woman’s case, during the pressures of premenstrual tension, a hydrogen bomb can be detonated that may blow off the head of her startled husband. A “no rights” position would have carried that person through a short race; unfortunately, life is so daily, and the runner weakened on heartbreak hill.

I must hasten to offer an important disclaimer. Any recommendation can be carried to extremes, including defense of the “line of respect.” There are millions of women, especially, who need nothing less than an excuse to harangue their spouses over perceived violations of one sort or another. They do that better than anything else in life. Their poor husbands live with a constant barrage of complaints and criticisms, knowing they can do nothing right. Then here comes Dobson advising, “Hold ’em accountable, ladies!”

That’s not what I intended to say. Remember that 1 Corinthians 13:5 (KJV) tells us love “is not easily provoked.” That tolerance is certainly evident in good marriages. Husbands and wives must overlook a multitude of flaws in one another and not howl over the speck in a partner’s eye when the accuser has a log sticking out of his own. Prolonged anger can kill a marriage—especially when it reflects perceived wrongs from the past that have never been forgiven.

Thus, the love must be tough concept does not suggest that people become touchy and picky; it does hold that genuine instances of disrespect should be acknowledged and handled within the context of love. And certainly, when major violations occur that threaten the relationship, such as Linda’s husband running to see a sexy divorcée night after night, they should be met head-on. By confronting him when he got home, she would not have been fighting for her “rights” at all; she would have been defending her marriage! We’ve seen what happens when that defense is lacking.

Q. To be certain that I understand what you mean by the “line of respect” principle, could you discuss it further? Do you deal with this idea often in your marriage counseling?

A. In virtually every troubled family I see, the “line of respect” has crumbled. Sometimes the wife is trampling on the husband’s territory; sometimes he is all over hers. Either way, within five minutes in my office it is apparent that there is an absence of fair play by one of two partners. Here’s an extreme example as described in a letter from a woman whose line is now in shambles.

My husband and I have three children, and I am with them day and night because I can’t drive. My husband doesn’t want me to go anywhere, anyway. He is very domineering. He dishes out the money and decides how every dollar will be spent.

This past week was terrible. Mike wouldn’t let the kids sing or talk in the car. He orders all of us to bed at a certain time and controls all TV and radio stations. I like to hear you on Christian radio, but he won’t let me listen when he’s home. He will change stations and then go downstairs. I sometimes tape your program secretly and play it after Mike is gone. Mike’s grandmother lives with us, too, and she thinks he is being mean to the whole family.

I would never get to go anywhere if it wasn’t for good neighbors who take me to church functions. I just feel like I have no freedom at all and my nerves are beginning to act up. The kids are afraid of Mike too.

Anything you can do to help me would be greatly appreciated.

Fortunately, most cases are not as devoid of respect as this one, but it illustrates the problem. If I were working with this woman, my objective would be to teach her how to hold her own with her husband without blowing her marriage off the face of the earth. It would be a delicate task.

Q. I have a male physician friend who can’t seem to resist the charms of his female patients. His marriage is in serious difficulty, even though I know he loves his wife. Would you explain the psychological dynamics in this kind of problem, and tell me what I should say to help my friend?

A. A similar question was addressed some years ago in an issue of the Christian Medical Society Journal where reference was made to an excellent article by Dr. Merville Vincent entitled “The Physician’s Own Well-Being.”10 Dr. Vincent discussed twelve hazardous assumptions that can ruin a physician’s career. One of those assumptions, quoted below, is the belief by the male doctor that he is God’s gift to women.

Some patients fall in love with their doctor. The scenario often goes something like this. The patient is a young lady with a minor illness and is unhappily married or divorced. She comes to her physician not only with her specific complaints, but at a time when she is feeling frightened and helpless. In his office, the doctor seems strong, confident, calm, and caring. He knows what to do and does it. He helps her with her presenting problem. She then is relieved and gains strength from his confidence. She begins to think, “Isn’t he wonderful, he’d be so nice to have around the house.” Meanwhile, back in the doctor’s home, his wife is also thinking, “He’d be so nice to have around the house” or less kindly, “If patients could only see him like I do.”

Next our patient communicates to the doctor that he’s wonderful. He immediately agrees and, after careful thought, concludes that she is a genius and wishes his wife was smart this way also. He says to himself “excellent judge of men, that girl.”

The problem is he mistakes her needs for his assets. Typically, the situation involves two people with unmet needs. The physician at risk is one whose needs to be cared for are not being met at home. Sometimes this has been due to his business; sometimes because he denied any such needs. Often his wife is tired of giving of herself with little apparent attempt by her husband to meet her various needs for a husband and father of her children. She is now putting demands on her husband to do something at home. She is tired of feeling she is nothing but his housekeeper and sexual partner. He often responds to these demands by feeling unappreciated and nothing but the breadwinner. At such a time, he is a sitting duck for a relationship with a young lady with needs that also make her vulnerable. The affair at first not only boosts sagging self-esteem for both, but seems to offer the doctor a relationship in which he may receive much more admiration than he gets at home and with much less responsibility. She, who has no right to this man, can be warm and accepting at first. Meanwhile, his wife, who feels she has a right to him, is becoming more angry and frustrated about his absence from the house. Later the young lady begins to feel jealous. Now our emotionally and physically depleted doctor feels he has two demanding women and still no one to look after him.

How may such a predicament be prevented? First, realize it happens, and it starts primarily because of the role of the two people in the situation. Realize it begins because of her needs, not your assets. Realize that when you meet dependent needs with an erotic response, you become part of the problem, not part of the solution. The best prevention is to be sure that your own needs to be cared for (dependent needs) are being met. These are best met in a marriage where there is reciprocity of mutual need-meeting. Perhaps the early warning signal is when you begin to feel that your patients appreciate you and love you more than your wife and family do. The next step may be to spend even more time with patients and less with your spouse.

Q. My husband is a very attractive man, and he’s the president of his own company at a young age. I know that women are out to get him, especially some divorced secretaries who constantly flirt with him. I’m raising these kids here at home, and I have to admit that I worry about holding Dwight. I believe he’s been faithful to me, but I wonder if he will always turn down the opportunities around him? I mean, he comes home, and tells me what these women do and say, and I can’t believe it! They practically proposition him. What can I do to hang on to my husband?

A. A generation or two ago, your question would have seemed unnecessarily anxious and even a bit silly. But it makes plenty of sense today—the world has changed that much. There has always been hanky-panky going on, but never has it been so blatant and never have males and females been so bold in their pursuit of one another. More to the point of your concern, it is no longer considered taboo for an available woman to consciously lure a married man—even one with several children at home. He’s fair game to anyone who can entice him away from his family. A woman told me recently that her nice-looking husband reports that girls deliberately brush against him in the subway and make risqué comments. Men are just as audacious in their pursuit of women, whether those women are married or not. Thus, the concern expressed in your question has a basis in reality.

Nevertheless, the solution is not to “hang on to” Dwight. You must not build a cage around him in an attempt to reduce your anxieties. That would only add unnecessary stresses to your relationship. Dwight must stay with you of his own free will—the same reason for which he married you in the first place. Love must be free, even in a world of sexual intrigue and disloyalty.

Perhaps it would be helpful for me to offer a couple of perspectives that may not have occurred to you. First, Dwight is primarily responsible for the insecurity you feel, one way or the other. He could allay your fears if he wished. It’s a fairly simple task for a man to let his wife know he is committed to her for life. Instead, Dwight is regularly telling you about the sexy women who hang on to him and beg for his favors. That’s the source of your butterflies. Indeed, most instances of “competition anxiety” among homemakers can be attributed to husbands like Dwight who subtly create insecurities in their wives.

Why would a man do such a thing? What can be gained by dangling a partner in suspense over something so basic as a marital commitment? Well, the male ego enjoys being desired by women—lots of women. That’s why a married man will flirt with female employees, even when he has no intention of being unfaithful. Furthermore, he will tell his wife about these admirers in order to gain “power” in their relationship. Whether consciously or not, he is saying by these disclosures, “You’d better treat me right because there are plenty of other women out there just waiting to get their hands on me.”

At some point in your conversation with Dwight, these dynamics should be discussed. I’m not suggesting that you hammer him with accusations or complaints, but an opportunity may come to verbalize your feelings and put the matter of competition in proper perspective. The healthiest families are those that can discuss this kind of sensitive subject in an atmosphere of openness and acceptance.

Before that conversation ensues, however, I think you should look at a related issue. The way you stated your question implies that your own self-esteem is none too high. Why do I get the feeling that you see yourself as a lowly homemaker in a world of women lawyers and athletes and congresswomen? Do you feel inferior to women in the business world? Is it possible that you feel fortunate to have “captured” your good-looking, successful man and wonder how long the illusion will last? If these are secret weaknesses in your self-concept, they will be reflected in your relationship with your husband. He will sense your fearfulness—your unhealthy dependence—your “unworthiness” of his love. You must believe that you bring as much to the family as your husband does and that, not only are you fortunate to be married to Dwight, but he’s a pretty lucky guy, too.

All right, now it’s final examination time. You have sat in my course on love must be tough for an entire semester, and the time has come to demonstrate what you’ve learned. Provided below is a test—a prototype letter drawn from thousands I receive. Read it and answer the questions that follow as you think I would, and then express your own views on the issues.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I hope you can take a few minutes and try to help me. I feel really desperate, and I’m praying that you have some answer for me.

My husband and I were married very young, and after about four years he started running around. That lasted for a couple of years before he became a Christian. Then for six years things were fine. He is an insurance salesman and did quite well financially. But then he had an affair with a woman in our church. It only lasted a short time—and the other members did not find out about it. We moved to another town to get away from her. From then on, it was one woman after another, ending with my next-door neighbor. He moved in and out of the house on four occasions. He settled back in last September and hasn’t left since, although the affair with my neighbor didn’t end. We have been trying to get our marriage back together since then, but I’m finding it’s getting harder instead of easier for me. My mind is in a turmoil.

I cannot accept it when he says to me, “I love you.” (He does not know any of these feelings and does not seem willing to discuss anything either.) I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. For years, my great fear has been, “When will it happen again?” And very soon, it does. Would I be better off with him or without him? The other woman is the total opposite of me spiritually. She and her three children have now moved in my house to stay, which I sometimes find unbearable. (This other woman’s husband divorced her.)

Dr. Dobson, my mind is so full of questions, and I guess one of the main problems is, “What are his true feelings for this woman?” Sometimes he just sits so quietly, and of course, I think his mind is on her. He’s thirty-eight now, and if I truly believed his problems were the “change of life,” I could probably handle it better. But I see it more as a lifelong pattern.

Sex is super important to my husband, I think to a fault. He tells me he has “no complaints” where I’m concerned. One remark he made once was, “I always come back to you; that should tell you something.”

He will not allow me to work (I may look at someone else), and he does not believe in counseling and would be furious if he knew I was writing to you.

I’m so torn I don’t know what to do. Our whole family has been devastated by this, and I feel like Satan has made a real bid for all of us.

What should I do to straighten out my marriage?

Mary

FINAL EXAMINATION

1. List the mistakes Mary has made; underline the first and most serious one.

2. What is her husband probably thinking now?

3. How does he see his wife?

4. Mary’s husband said, “I always come back to you; that should tell you something.” What does it tell her?

5. Mary is not permitted to work for fear she will find another man. What does this say about the power she possesses with her husband?

6. Will her husband continue to cheat?

7. Why do you suppose Mary has permitted her husband to behave as he wished?

8. Can this marriage be saved?

9. What would you advise Mary to do?

DOBSON’S ANSWERS

1. Mary made seven mistakes by my count:

a. She apparently failed to create a crisis when her husband’s first act of infidelity occurred, permitting it to continue for two years.

b. She cooperated in the concealment of his second affair with a church member. If he had repented, it would have been best to keep the affair a secret. In the absence of that contrition, perhaps the pastor should have been approached.

c. She permitted him to move in and out of the house like a yo-yo, allowing him to return without any commitment to be faithful. Indeed, his affair with a neighbor continued without interruption.

d. She concealed her own feelings about his phony concept of love. Neither did she tell him about her great fears of his continued unfaithfulness. Why? Because she was appeasing her husband. He might have left if she dared to complain. This woman could easily be the “saint” we read about earlier in the song “She’s Got to Be a Saint.”

e. Alas, she allowed the other woman and her three children to move into her house permanently!

f. She continued to meet her husband’s sexual needs as though nothing had happened. He was joyfully jumping from one bed to the other, apparently.

g. She permitted this unfaithful, disrespectful man to continue as her leader (“He will not allow me to work”). She should have been preparing herself for economic survival if he decided to abandon her.

By the foregoing measures, Mary demonstrated weak love. What she desperately needed was loving toughness!

2. He’s trying to decide whether or not to leave his wife.

3. He sees her as a good woman, but as a pathetic pushover who will let him escape with murder. He disrespects her profoundly.

4. It tells her (1) that he still cares for her, in a manner of speaking, and (2) that he disrespects her. His statement puts him in the position of a master tossing a bone to a grateful dog. She should tell him, “Who needs it?”

5. This statement is the most important line in the letter. If I were counseling Mary, I would build an entire strategy on the implications of those words. What it says, in effect, is that this man cares enough about Mary to be jealous of her. He doesn’t want anyone else to even know her! This should give her the confidence to call his bluff and lay the relationship on the line. I believe he would yield in a crisis.

6. Yes, unless Mary takes his toys away.

7. She is terrified—of loneliness, rejection, divorce, financial ruin, single parenthood, embarrassment, physical violence, and the unknown. She also suffers from massive low self-esteem which keeps her immobilized.

8. More than likely, it can be saved. Much depends on Mary’s courage.

9. Mary should ask her loose lover to leave and take his girlfriend (and her three kids) with him. Let him play with his harem until he’s sick of life on the road. She should get a job and prepare for a long winter. When (and if) he comes home with a desire to reconcile, I would advise them to completely reconstruct their relationship with the help of a Christian counselor. And of course, Mary should pray without ceasing.