Psychology The Child's Will and Spirit Assignment

The New Strong-Willed Child

James C. Dobson

Dobson, J. C. (2014). The New Strong-Willed Child. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781414356044

Chapter FOUR

SHAPING THE WILL

THE YOUNG MOTHER of a defiant three-year-old girl once approached me in Kansas City to thank me for my books and tapes. She told me that a few months earlier her little daughter had become increasingly defiant and had managed to buffalo her frustrated mom and dad. They knew she was manipulating them but couldn’t seem to regain control. Then one day they were in a bookstore and happened upon a copy of my first book, Dare to Discipline (now revised and called The New Dare to Discipline).1 They bought a copy and learned that it is appropriate, from my perspective, to spank a child under certain well-defined circumstances. My recommendations made sense to these harassed parents, who promptly used that technique the next time their daughter gave them reason to do so. But the little girl was just bright enough to figure out where they had picked up the new idea. When the mother awoke the next morning, she found her copy of Dare to Discipline floating in the toilet! That darling little girl had done her best to send my book off to the sewer where it belonged. I suppose that is the strongest editorial comment I’ve received on any of my writings!

This incident with the toddler was not an isolated case. Another child selected my book from an entire shelf of possibilities and threw it into the fireplace. I could easily become paranoid about these hostilities. Dr. Benjamin Spock, the late pediatrician who wrote the widely acclaimed Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, was loved by millions of children who grew up under his influence.2 But I have apparently been resented by two generations of kids who wanted to catch me in a blind alley on some cloudy night.

I continue to receive the most delightful mail from children and their parents about the subject of discipline. A college student approached me with a smile and handed me a poem written just for me. It read: “Roses are red, Violets are blue. When I was a kid, I got spanked ’cause of you.” Sorry about that, sir!

A mother wrote to tell me that she took her daughter to the doctor for her routine childhood inoculations. The youngster came home that evening and told her father, “I just got my shots for mumps, measles, and rebellion.” Don’t you wish there was an injection for that type of behavior? I would have had my adolescents given a big dose at least once a week.

A little eight-year-old girl mailed me this note:

Dear Dobinson

You are a mean and curle thing. You and your dumb sayings won’t take you to Heaven.

Kristy P.

P.S. Kids don’t like wippens.

It is obvious that children are aware of the contest of wills between generations, which can become something of a game. Lisa Whelchel, former child actress on the television sitcom The Facts of Life, described a funny encounter with her four-year-old boy, Tucker. She related the story in her excellent book, Creative Correction. Lisa and her husband were going out to dinner and left the children with a babysitter. As they were standing at the door, she said to her son, “I really want you to do your best to obey the babysitter tonight.”

Tucker immediately replied, “Well, Mom, I just don’t know if I can do that.”

“Why not?” she asked.

With a straight face, he answered, “There’s so much foolishness built up in my heart, I don’t think there is any room for goodness and wisdom.”

“Well,” Lisa said, “maybe we need to step into the bathroom and drive that foolishness out.”

With that, Tucker replied, “W-wait a minute. I feel the foolishness going away all by itself—the goodness is coming in right now!”3

Lisa’s encounter with her son did not represent a serious challenge to her authority and should have been (and, in fact, was) responded to with a smile. But when a real donnybrook occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the parents to “win.” Why? A child who behaves in ways that are disrespectful or harmful to himself or others often has a hidden motive. Whether he recognizes it or not, he is usually seeking to verify the existence and stability of the boundaries. This testing has much the same function as a police officer in years past who turned doorknobs at places of business after dark. Though he tried to open the doors, he hoped they were locked and secure. Likewise, a child who defies the leadership of his parents is reassured when they remain confident and firm under fire. It creates a sense of security for a kid who lives in a structured environment in which the rights of other people (and his own) are protected by well-defined limits.

With that said, let’s hurry along now to the how-tos of shaping a child’s will. I’ve boiled this complex topic down to six straightforward guidelines that I hope will be helpful, the first of which is most important and will be dealt with in greater detail.

FIRST: BEGIN TEACHING RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY

WHILE CHILDREN ARE VERY YOUNG

The most urgent advice I can give to the parents of an assertive, independent child is to establish their positions as strong but loving leaders when Junior and Missy are in the preschool years. This is the first step toward helping them learn to control their powerful impulses. Alas, there is no time to lose. As we have seen, a naturally defiant youngster is in a high-risk category for antisocial behavior later in life. She is more likely to challenge her teachers in school and question the values she has been taught. Her temperament leads her to oppose anyone who tries to tell her what to do. Fortunately, this outcome is not inevitable, because the complexities of the human personality make it impossible to predict behavior with complete accuracy. But the probabilities lie in that direction. Thus, I will repeat my most urgent advice to parents: that they begin shaping the will of the particularly aggressive child very early in life. (Notice that I did not say to crush his will or to destroy it or to snuff it out, but to rein it in for his own good.) But how is that accomplished?

Well, first let me tell you how not to approach that objective. Harshness, gruffness, and sternness are not effective in shaping a child’s will. Likewise, constant whacking and threatening and criticizing are destructive and counterproductive. A parent who is mean and angry most of the time is creating resentment that will be stored and come roaring into the relationship during adolescence or beyond. Therefore, every opportunity should be taken to keep the tenor of the home pleasant, fun, and accepting. At the same time, however, parents should display confident firmness in their demeanor. You, Mom and Dad, are the boss. You are in charge. If you believe it, the tougher child will accept it also. Unfortunately, many mothers today are tentative and insecure in approaching their young children. If you watch them with their little boys and girls in supermarkets or airports, you will see these frustrated and angry moms who are totally confused about how to handle a given misbehavior. Temper tantrums throw them for a loop, as though they never expected them. Actually, they have been coming on for some time.

A pediatrician friend told me about a telephone call he received from the anxious mother of a six-month-old baby.

“I think he has a fever,” she said nervously.

“Well,” the doctor replied, “did you take his temperature?”

“No,” she said. “He won’t let me insert the thermometer.”

There is trouble ahead for this shaky mother. There is even more danger for her son in the days ahead. He will quickly sense her insecurity and step into the power vacuum she has created. From there, it will be a wild ride all the way through adolescence.

Here are some nuts-and-bolts suggestions for avoiding the trouble I have described. Once a child understands who is in charge, he can be held accountable for behaving in a respectful manner. That sounds easy, but it can be very difficult. In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly choose to disobey. Like a military general before a battle, he will calculate the potential risk, marshal his forces, and attack the enemy with guns blazing. When that nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to display confidence and decisiveness. The child has made it clear that he’s looking for a fight, and his parents would be wise not to disappoint him! Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a mother or father to equivocate during that struggle. When parents consistently lose those battles, resorting to tears and screaming and other signs of frustration, some dramatic changes take place in the way they are seen by their children. Instead of being secure and confident leaders, they become spineless jellyfish who are unworthy of respect or allegiance.

Susanna Wesley, mother of eighteenth-century evangelists John and Charles Wesley, reportedly bore nineteen children. Toward the end of her life, John asked her to describe in writing her philosophy of mothering for him. Copies of her reply are still in existence today. As you will see from the excerpts that follow, her beliefs reflect a traditional understanding of child rearing. She wrote:

In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done is to conquer the will, and bring them into an obedient temper. To inform the understanding is a work of time, and must with children proceed by slow degrees as they are able to bear it; but the subjecting of the will is a thing which must be done at once, and the sooner the better!

For by neglecting timely correction, they will contract a stubbornness and obstinacy which is hardly ever after conquered, and never without using such severity as would be painful to me as to the children. In the esteem of the world, those who withhold timely correction would pass for kind and indulgent parents, whom I call cruel parents, who permit their children to get habits which they know must afterward be broken. Nay, some are so stupidly fond as in sport to teach their children to do things which in the after while, they must severely beat them for doing.

Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered; and this will be no hard matter to do, if it be not grown headstrong by too much indulgence. And, if the will of a child is totally subdued, and if it be brought to revere and stand in awe of the parents, then a great many childish follies and inadvertencies may be passed by. Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no willful transgressions ought ever to be forgiven children without chastisement, more or less as the nature and circumstances of the offense shall require.

I cannot dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children insures their after wretchedness and faithlessness. Whatever checks and mortifies, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident if we further consider that Christianity is nothing less than doing the will of God, and not our own; that the one grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness being this self-will. No indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial unprofitable.4

Does that sound harsh by our modern standards? Perhaps. While I would have balanced the approach with greater compassion and gentleness, I believe that Mrs. Wesley’s basic understanding was correct. If the strong-willed child is allowed by indulgence to develop “habits” of defiance and disrespect during his or her early childhood, those characteristics will not only cause problems for the parents, but will ultimately handicap the child whose rampaging will was never brought under self-control.

Does this mean that Mom or Dad should be snapping orders all day long, disregarding the feelings and wishes of the child? Certainly not! I would not want to be treated that way, and you wouldn’t either. Most of the time, you can talk things through and come to a mutual understanding. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with negotiating and compromising when disagreements occur between generations. Six-year-old Lance may voluntarily rest or nap in the afternoon so that he can watch a late evening children’s program on television. Mom may offer to drive her ten-year-old daughter to soccer practice, provided she agrees to straighten and clean her room. There are countless situations such as these during childhood when a “no-win, no-lose” agreement can be reached without imposing constant demands and threats on a youngster. These mutually agreed-upon conclusions will not undermine parental leadership and won’t reinforce a spirit of rebellion, even in a tough-minded child.

On the other hand, there is a time to speak in that tone of voice that says, kindly but firmly, “Please do it now, because I said so.” One can’t always negotiate with a child or give repetitive explanations and requests for cooperation. Every command doesn’t have to end with a question mark, as in, “Would you like to go take your bath now?” Sometimes you simply have to step in and be the boss. As we saw in the last chapter, it is this expression of authority that many modern parental advisers resist tooth and nail. They never want moms and dads to sound as though they are in charge. Some even refer to that style of management as “power games.” One writer of books for parents expressed his permissive philosophy this way:

The stubborn persistence of the idea that parents must and should use authority in dealing with children has, in my opinion, prevented for centuries any significant change or improvement in the way children are raised by parents and treated by adults. Children resent those who have power over them. In short, children want to limit their behavior themselves, if it becomes apparent to them that their behavior must be limited or modified. Children, like adults, prefer to be their own authority over their behavior.5

I couldn’t disagree more. God has installed parents as leaders for a finite period of time. When they are afraid or unwilling to fulfill that responsibility, the strong-willed child is positively driven to step to the front and begin running things. As we have seen, it is his passion to take charge anyway. If you as a mom or dad won’t be the boss, I guarantee that your tough-as-nails kid will grab that role. That is the beginning of sorrows for both generations.

The New Testament, which the Scripture tells us is “God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3:16), speaks eloquently to this point. We read in 1 Timothy 3:4-5, “He [speaking of the father] must have proper authority in his own household, and be able to control and command the respect of his children” (Phillips). Colossians 3:20 expresses this divine principle to the younger generation: “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord” (KJV). I find no place in the Bible where our little ones are designated as codiscussants at a conference table, deciding what they will and will not accept from the older generation. Power games, indeed.

Why is parental authority so vigorously supported throughout the Bible? Is it simply catering to the whims of oppressive, power-hungry adults, as some would have us believe? No, the leadership of parents plays a significant role in the development of a child! By yielding to the loving authority (leadership) of his parents, a child learns to submit to other forms of authority that will confront him later in his life. Without respect for leadership, there is anarchy, chaos, and confusion for everyone concerned.

There is an even more important reason for the preservation of authority in the home. Children who are acquainted with it learn to yield to the benevolent leadership of God Himself. It is a fact that a child identifies his parents with God in the early days, whether the adults want that role or not. Specifically, most children see God the way they perceive their earthly fathers (and, to a lesser degree, their mothers). This fact was illustrated in our home when our son, Ryan, was just two years old. Since his babyhood, he had seen his sister, mother, and father say grace before eating our meals, because we always thank God for our food in that way. But because of his age, the little toddler had never been asked to lead the prayer. On one occasion when I was out of town, Shirley put the lunch on the table and spontaneously turned to Ryan, saying, “Would you like to pray for our food today?” Her request apparently startled him and he glanced around nervously, then clasped his little hands together and said, “I love you, Daddy. Amen.”

When I returned home and heard about Ryan’s prayer, it was immediately apparent that my son had actually confused me with God. And I’ll confess, I wished he hadn’t! I appreciated the thought, but I was uncomfortable with its implications. It was too big a job for an ordinary dad to handle. There were times when I’m sure I disappointed our children—times when I was too tired to be what they needed from me—times when my human frailties were all too apparent. The older they became, the greater the gap between who I was and who they had thought I was—especially during the storms of adolescence. No, I didn’t want to represent God to my son and daughter. But whether I liked it or not, they thought of me in those terms, and your younger children probably see you that way too!

In short, the Creator has given parents the awesome responsibility of representing Him to their children. As such, they should reflect two aspects of divine nature to the next generation. First, our heavenly Father is a God of unlimited love, and our children must become acquainted with His mercy and tenderness through our own love toward them. But make no mistake about it: our Lord is also the possessor of majestic authority! The universe is ordered by a sovereign God who requires obedience from His children and has warned that “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). To show our little ones love without authority is as serious a distortion of God’s nature as to reveal an iron-fisted authority without love.

From this perspective, then, a child who has only “negotiated” with his parents and teachers during times of intense conflict has probably not learned to submit to the authority of the Almighty. If this youngster is allowed to behave disrespectfully to Mom and Dad, sassing them and disobeying their specific orders, then it is most unlikely that he will turn his face up to God about twenty years later and say humbly, “Here am I, Lord; send me!” To repeat, a child learns to yield to the authority of God by first learning to submit to (rather than bargain with) the leadership of his parents.

But what did the apostle Paul mean in his first letter to Timothy where he referred to parents having the “proper authority”? Was he giving them the right to browbeat their children, disregarding their feelings and instilling fear and anxiety in them? No. There is a wonderful balance taught by Paul in this letter and in Ephesians 6:4. It reads, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

We’ll move more quickly now through the five other general guidelines for shaping the will of a child.

SECOND: DEFINE THE BOUNDARIES BEFORE

THEY ARE ENFORCED

Preceding any disciplinary event is the necessity of establishing reasonable expectations and boundaries for the child. She should know what is and is not acceptable behavior before she is held responsible for it. This precondition will eliminate the sense of injustice that a youngster feels when she is punished or scolded for violating a vague or unidentified rule.

THIRD: DISTINGUISH BETWEEN WILLFUL DEFIANCE

AND CHILDISH IRRESPONSIBILITY

Let’s return briefly to the letter written by Susanna Wesley, who recommended that a mother or father overlook “childish follies and inadvertencies” but never ignore “willful transgressions.” What did she mean? She was referring to the distinction between what I would call childish irresponsibility and “willful defiance.” There is a world of difference between the two. Understanding the distinction will be useful in knowing how to interpret the meaning of a behavior and how to respond to it appropriately. Let me explain.

Suppose little David is acting silly in the living room and falls into a table, breaking several expensive china cups and other trinkets. Or suppose Ashley loses her bicycle or leaves her mother’s coffeepot out in the rain. Perhaps four-year-old Brooke reaches for something on her brother’s plate and catches his glass of milk with her elbow, baptizing the baby and making a frightful mess on the floor. As frustrating as these occurrences are, they represent acts of childish irresponsibility that have little meaning in the long-term scheme of things. As we all know, children will regularly spill things, lose things, break things, forget things, and mess up things. That’s the way kids are made. These behaviors represent the mechanism by which children are protected from adult-level cares and burdens. When accidents happen, patience and tolerance are the order of the day. If the foolishness was particularly pronounced for the age and maturity of the individual, Mom or Dad might want to have the youngster help with the cleanup or even work to pay for the loss. Otherwise, I think the event should be ignored. It goes with the territory, as they say.

There is another category of behavior, however, that is strikingly different. It occurs when a child defies the authority of the parent in a blatant manner. She may shout “I will not!” or “You shut up!” or “You can’t make me.” It may happen when Junior grabs a handful of candy bars at the checkout and refuses to give them back, or when he throws a violent temper tantrum in order to get his way. These behaviors represent a willful, haughty spirit and a determination to disobey. Something very different is going on in those moments. You have drawn a line in the dirt, and the child has deliberately flopped his bony little toe across it. You’re both asking, Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? If you do not conclusively answer these questions for your strong.willed children, your child will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again and again. That’s why you must be prepared to respond immediately to this kind of stiff-necked rebellion. It is what Susanna Wesley meant when she wrote, “Some [misbehavior] should be overlooked and taken no notice of [referring to childish irresponsibility], and others mildly reproved. But no willful transgressions ought ever to be forgiven children without chastisement, more or less as the nature and circumstances of the offense shall require.” Susanna arrived at this understanding 250 years before I came along. She learned it from the nineteen kids who called her Mama.

Brace yourself now, because I’m about to recommend something to you that will be controversial in some circles. You may not even agree with it, but hear me out. On those occasions when you find yourself and your strong-willed child in one of those classic battles of the will, it is not the time to discuss the virtues of obedience. You shouldn’t send Jack or Jane to his or her room to pout. Time-out doesn’t work very well and time-in is a total failure. Bribery is out of the question. Crying and begging for mercy are disastrous. Waiting until tired ol’ Dad comes home to handle matters at the end of the day will be equally unproductive. None of these touchy-feely responses and delaying maneuvers are going to succeed. It all comes down to this: When you have been challenged, it is time for you to take charge—to defend your right to lead. When mothers and fathers fail to be the boss in a moment like that, they create for themselves and their families a potential lifetime of heartache. Or as Susanna Wesley said, “No indulgence of [willful defiance] can be trivial, no denial unprofitable.” Therefore, I believe a mild and appropriate spanking is the discipline of choice for a hot-tempered child between twenty months and ten years of age. I will talk at greater length in chapter 8 about corporal punishment, its advantages, its limitations, and the dangers of its misuse.

FOURTH: REASSURE AND TEACH

AFTER THE CONFRONTATION IS OVER

After a time of conflict during which the parent has demonstrated his right to lead (particularly if it resulted in tears for the child), the youngster between two and seven (or older) will probably want to be loved and reassured. By all means, open your arms and let him come! Hold him close and tell him of your love. Rock him gently and let him know again why he was punished and how he can avoid the trouble next time. This is a teachable moment, when the objective of your discipline can be explained. Such a conversation is difficult or impossible to achieve when a rebellious, stiff-necked little child is clenching her fist and taking you on. But after a confrontation has occurred—especially if it involved tears—the child usually wants to hug you and get reassurance that you really care for her. By all means, open your arms and let her snuggle to your breast. And for the Christian family, it is extremely important to pray with the child at that time, admitting to God that we have all sinned and no one is perfect. Divine forgiveness is a marvelous experience, even for a very young child.

FIFTH: AVOID IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS

Be absolutely sure that your child is capable of delivering what you require. Never punish him for wetting the bed involuntarily or for not becoming potty trained by one year of age or for doing poorly in school when he is incapable of academic success. These impossible demands put the child in an irresolvable conflict: there is no way out. That condition brings unnecessary risks to the human emotional apparatus. Besides that, it is simply unjust.

SIXTH: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE!

A relationship that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one, even though some parental mistakes and errors are inevitable.

These six steps should, in my view, form the foundation for healthy parent-child relationships. There is one more ingredient that will round out the picture. We will read about it in the next chapter.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: You said we need to interpret the intent of children so that we can know how to discipline properly. What if I’m not sure? What if my child behaves in ways that may or may not be willfully defiant? How can I tell the difference?

A: That question has been asked of me dozens of times. A mother will say, “I think Garrett was being disrespectful when I told him to take his bath, but I’m not sure what he was thinking.”

There is a very straightforward solution to this parental dilemma: Use the next occasion for the purpose of clarifying. Say to your son, “Garrett, your answer to me just now sounded disrespectful. I’m not sure how you intended it. But just so we understand each other, don’t talk to me like that again.” If it occurs again, you’ll know it was deliberate. Most confusion over how to discipline results from parents’ failure to define the limits properly. If you’re hazy on what is acceptable and unacceptable, then your child will be doubly confused.

Most children will accept the boundaries if they understand them and are sure you mean business when you set them up.

Q: If you had to choose between a very authoritarian style of parenting and one that is permissive and lax, which would you prefer? Which is healthier for kids?

A: Both extremes leave their characteristic scars on children, and I would be hard-pressed to say which is more damaging. At the oppressive end of the continuum, a child suffers the humiliation of total domination. The atmosphere is icy and rigid, and he lives in constant fear. He is unable to make his own decisions, and his personality is squelched beneath the hobnailed boot of parental authority. Lasting characteristics of dependency, deep-seated anger, and serious adolescent rebellion often result from this domination.

But the opposite extreme is also damaging to kids. In the absence of adult leadership, the child is her own master from earliest babyhood. She thinks the world revolves around her heady empire, and she often has utter contempt and disrespect for those closest to her. Anarchy and chaos reign in her home. Her mother is often the most frazzled and frustrated woman on the block. It would be worth the hardship and embarrassment she endures if her passivity produced healthy, secure children. It typically does not.

The healthiest approach to child rearing is found in the safety of the middle ground between disciplinary extremes. I attempted to illustrate that reasonable parenting style on the cover of my first book, Dare to Discipline, which included this little diagram:

Children tend to thrive best in an environment where these two ingredients, love and control, are present in balanced proportions. When the scale tips in either direction, problems usually begin to develop at home.

Unfortunately, parenting styles in a culture tend to sweep back and forth like a pendulum from one extreme to the other.

Q: I could use some advice about a minor problem we’re having. Tim, my six-year-old, loves to use silly names whenever he speaks to my husband and me. For example, this past week it’s been “you big hot dog.” Nearly every time he sees me now he says, “Hi, hot dog.” Before that it was “dummy,” then “moose” (after he studied M for moose in school). I know it’s silly and it’s not a huge problem, but it gets so annoying after such a long time. He’s been doing this for a year now. How can we get him to talk to us with more respect, calling us Mom or Dad, instead of hot dog and moose? Thank you for any advice you can offer.

A: What we have here is a rather classic power game, much like those we have discussed before. And contrary to what you said, it is not so insignificant. Under other circumstances, it would be a minor matter for a child to call his parents a playful name. That is not the point here. Rather, strong-willed Tim is continuing to do something that he knows is irritating to you and your husband, yet you are unable to stop him. That is the issue. He has been using humor as a tactic of defiance for a full year. It is time for you to sit down and have a quiet little talk with young Timothy. Tell him that he is being disrespectful and that the next time he calls either you or his father a name of any kind, he will be punished. You must then be prepared to deliver on the promise, because he will continue to challenge you until it ceases to be fun. That’s the way he is made. If that response never comes, his insults will probably become more pronounced, ending in adolescent nightmares. Appeasement for a strong-willed child is an invitation to warfare.

Never forget this fact: The classic strong-willed child craves power from the time he’s a toddler and even earlier. Since Mom is the nearest adult who is holding the reins, he will hack away at her until she lets him drive his own buggy. I remember a mother telling me of a confrontation with her tough-minded four-year-old daughter. The child was demanding her own way and the mother was struggling to hold her own.

“Jenny,” said the mother, “you are just going to have to do what I tell you to do. I am your boss. The Lord has given me the responsibility for leading you, and that’s what I intend to do!”

Jenny thought that over for a minute and then asked, “How long does it have to be that way?”

Doesn’t that illustrate the point beautifully? Already at four years of age, this child was anticipating a day of freedom when no one could tell her what to do. There was something deep within her spirit that longed for control. Watch for the same phenomenon in your child. If he’s a toughie, it will show up soon.

Q: Isn’t a mother manipulating the child by using rewards and punishment to get him to do what she wants?

A: No more than a factory supervisor manipulates his employees by docking their pay if they arrive late. No more than a police officer manipulates a speeding driver by giving him a traffic ticket. No more than an insurance company manipulates that same driver by increasing his premium. No more than the IRS manipulates a taxpayer who files his return one day late by charging a penalty for his tardiness. The word manipulation implies a sinister or selfish motive of the one in charge. I don’t agree.

Q: You have described the nature of willfully defiant behavior and how parents should handle it. But does all unpleasant behavior result from rebellion and disobedience?

A: No. Defiance can be very different in origin from the “challenge” response I’ve been describing. A child’s negativism may be caused by frustration, disappointment, fatigue, illness, or rejection and therefore must be interpreted as a warning signal to be heeded. Perhaps the toughest task in parenthood is to recognize the difference between these behavioral messages. A child’s resistant behavior always contains a message to his parents, which they must decode before responding.

For example, a disobedient youngster may be saying, I feel unloved now that I’m stuck with that screaming baby brother. Mom used to care for me; now nobody wants me. I hate everybody. When this kind of message underlies the defiance, the parents should move quickly to pacify its cause. The art of good parenthood, then, revolves around the interpretation of behavior.

Q: I’m never completely certain how to react to the behavior of my children. Can you give some specific examples of misbehaviors that should be punished, as well as others that can be ignored or handled differently?

A: Let me list a few examples at various age levels, asking that you decide how you would handle each matter before reading my suggestions. (Most of these items represent actual situations posed to me by parents.)

Example: I get very upset because my two-year-old boy will not sit still and be quiet in church. He knows he’s not supposed to be noisy, but he hits his toys on the pew and sometimes talks out loud. Should I spank him for being disruptive?

My reply: The mother who wrote this question revealed a rather poor understanding of toddlers. Most two-year-olds can no more fold their hands and sit quietly in church than they can swim the Atlantic Ocean. They squirm and churn and burn every second of their waking hours. No, this child should not be punished. He should be left in the nursery where he can shake the foundations without disturbing the worshippers.

Example: My four-year-old son came into the house and told me he had seen a lion in the backyard. He was not trying to be funny. He really tried to convince me that this lie was true and became quite upset when I didn’t believe him. I want him to be an honest and truthful person. Should I have spanked him?

My reply: Definitely not. There is a very thin line between fantasy and reality in the mind of preschool children, and they often confuse the two. I remember, for example, the time I took my son to Disneyland when he was three years of age. He was absolutely terrified by the wolf who stalked around with the three pigs. Ryan took one look at those sharp, jagged teeth and screamed in terror. I have a priceless video of him scrambling for the safety of his mother’s arms. After we returned home, I told Ryan there was a “very nice man” inside the wolf suit who wouldn’t hurt anyone. My son was so relieved by that news that he needed to hear it repeatedly.

He would say, “Dad?”

“What, Ryan?”

“Tell me ’bout that nice man!”

You see, Ryan was not able to distinguish between the fantasy character and a genuine threat to his health and safety. I would guess that the lion story related in the question above was a product of the same kind of confusion. The child may well have believed that a lion was in the backyard. This mother would have been wise to play along with the game while making it perfectly clear that she didn’t believe the story. She could have said, “Oh, my goodness! A lion in the backyard. I sure hope he is a friendly old cat. Now, Jonathan, please wash your hands and come eat lunch.”

Example: John is in the second grade and is playing around in school. Last month his teacher sent home a note telling us of his misbehavior, and he threw it away. We discovered at open house the following week that he had lied to us and destroyed the note. What would you have done?

My reply: That was a deliberate act of disobedience. After investigating the facts, I probably would have given John a spanking for his misbehavior in school and for being untruthful to his parents. I would then talk to his teacher about why he was cavorting in school and consider why he was afraid to bring home the note.

Chapter FIVE

PROTECTING THE SPIRIT

I MUST OFFER a very important clarification and precaution at this point related to the task of shaping the will of strong-willed children. The reader might conclude from what I have written that I think of “little people” as the villains and their parents as the inevitable good guys. Of course that is not true. Children, including those who regularly challenge authority, are delightful little creatures who need buckets of love and understanding every day of their life. Furthermore, it is vitally important to establish a balanced environment for them, wherein discipline and occasional punishment are matched by patience and respect and affection. The “slap ’em across the mouth” approach to child management, even for a kid who is determined to break all the rules, is a disaster. It wounds not only the body but inflicts permanent damage on the spirit as well.

Our objective, then, is not simply to shape the will, but to do so without breaking the spirit. To understand this dual objective of parenting, we need to clarify the distinction between the will and the spirit. The will, as we have seen, represents one’s deeply ingrained desire to have his or her way. The intensity of this passion for independence varies from person to person, but it exists to one degree or another in almost all human beings. It may not show up in very compliant individuals until the twenties, thirties, or even beyond, but the telltale signs are there, nonetheless, waiting to be expressed when the circumstances are right. The eating disorder anorexia, for example, is believed to be related to this muted self-will that eventually asserts itself over the issue of food. At least in this arena, the “good little girl,” and relatively fewer “nice little boys,” can gain a measure of control over his or her circumstances in adolescence or young adulthood, despite agonizing pleas and warnings of parents, doctors, and friends.

The self-will of a very independent child, by contrast, may be fully operational at birth. It is remarkable how early it can make its presence known. Studies of the neonatal period indicate that at two or three days of age, an infant is capable of manipulating parents to get what he wants and needs. In 1999, psychologist Amanda Woodward, a professor at the University of Chicago, released a study concluding that long before the child can talk, he or she is able to size up adults and learn how to interact with them to his or her advantage.1 This finding would not be surprising to the parents of strong-willed infants who have walked the floor in the wee small hours, listening to their tiny baby making his wishes abundantly clear.

A year or two later, some toddlers can become so angry that they are capable of holding their breath until they lose consciousness. Anyone who has ever witnessed this full measure of rage has been shocked by its power. It can also be quite audacious. The mother of one headstrong three-year-old told me her daughter refused to obey a direct command because, as she put it, “You’re just a mommy, you know!” Another toddler screamed every time her mother grabbed her hand to guide her through a parking lot. She would yell at the top of her lungs: “Let go! You’re hurting me!” The embarrassed mother, who was just trying to ensure her child’s safety, would then have to deal with the hostile looks of other shoppers who thought she was abusing her child.

Truly, willfulness is a fascinating component of the human personality. It is not fragile or wobbly. It can and must be molded, shaped, and brought under the authority of parental leadership. Haven’t you read news stories describing suicidal adults who stood on ledges or bridges, threatening to jump? Some of them have defied the combined forces of the Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps, which sought desperately to save their lives. Even though these people had been emotionally sandbagged by life, their determination to control their own destiny remained intact and functional. My point is that parents will not harm a child by taking steps to gain control of a child’s rebellious nature, even though it sometimes involves confrontation, sternness, warnings, and, when appropriate, reasonable punishment. Only by accepting the inevitable challenges to parental authority and then by “winning” at those critical moments can parents teach a headstrong boy or girl civilized behavior. And only then will that child be given the ability to control his or her own impulses in the years to come.

Now that we’ve discussed the necessity of shaping the will during early childhood, let’s consider the other parental obligation that must be given emphasis. Whereas the will is made of titanium and steel, the human spirit is a million times more delicate. It reflects the self-concept or the sense of worthiness that a child feels. It is the most fragile characteristic in human nature and is especially vulnerable to rejection, ridicule, and failure. It must be handled with great care.

How, then, are we to shape the will while preserving the spirit? It is accomplished by establishing reasonable boundaries in advance and then enforcing them with love, while avoiding any implications that a child is unwanted, unnecessary, foolish, ugly, dumb, burdensome, embarrassing, or a terrible mistake. Any accusation or reckless comment that assaults the worth of a child, such as “You are so stupid!” can do lifelong damage. Other damaging remarks include “Why can’t you make decent grades in school like your sister?” “You have been a pain in the neck ever since the day you were born!” “I told your mother it was stupid to have another child,” “There are times when I would like to put you up for adoption,” and “How could anyone love a fat slob like you?” Would parents actually say such hurtful things to a child? Unfortunately, they can, and they do. We are all capable of hurling harsh words at a child or teenager when we are intensely angry or frustrated. Once such mean, cutting words have left our lips, even though we may be repentant a few hours later, they have a way of burning their way into a child’s soul where they may remain alive and virulent for the next fifty years.

This topic is so vitally important that I made it a centerpiece of my book Bringing Up Boys. Let me quote from a portion of that discussion, which should be especially relevant for parents who are dealing with a sometimes irritating strong-willed child.

[Words] are so easy to utter, often tumbling out without much reason or forethought. Those who hurl criticism or hostility at others may not even mean or believe what they have said. Their comments may reflect momentary jealousy, resentment, depression, fatigue, or revenge. Regardless of the intent, harsh words sting like killer bees. Almost all of us, including you and me, have lived through moments when a parent, a teacher, a friend, a colleague, a husband, or a wife said something that cut to the quick. That hurt is now sealed forever in the memory bank. That is an amazing property of the spoken word. Even though a person forgets most of his or her day-by-day experiences, a particularly painful comment may be remembered for decades. By contrast, the individual who did the damage may have no memory of the encounter a few days later.

[Senator] Hillary Rodham Clinton told a story about her father, who never affirmed her as a child. When she was in high school, she brought home a straight-A report card. She showed it to her dad, hoping for a word of commendation. Instead, he said, “Well, you must be attending an easy school.” Thirty-five years later the remark still burns in Mrs. Clinton’s mind. His thoughtless response may have represented nothing more than a casual quip, but it created a point of pain that has endured to this day.2

If you doubt the power of words, remember what John the disciple wrote under divine inspiration. He said, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). John was describing Jesus, the Son of God, who was identified personally with words. That makes the case about words as well as it will ever be demonstrated. Matthew, Mark, and Luke each record a related prophetic statement made by Jesus that confirms the eternal nature of His teachings. He said, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away” (Matthew 24:35). We remember what He said to this hour, more than two thousand years later. Clearly, words matter.

There is additional wisdom about the impact of words written in the book of James. The passage reads:

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:3-6)

Have you ever set yourself on fire with sparks spraying from your tongue? More important, have you ever set a child’s spirit on fire with anger? All of us have made that costly mistake. We knew we had blundered the moment the comment flew out of our mouth, but it was too late. If we tried for a hundred years, we couldn’t take back a single remark. The first year Shirley and I were married, she became very angry with me about something that neither of us can recall. In the frustration of the moment she said, “If this is marriage, I don’t want any part of it.” She didn’t mean it and regretted her words almost immediately. An hour later we had reconciled and forgiven each other, but Shirley’s statement could not be taken back. We’ve laughed about it through the years and the issue is inconsequential today. Still, there is nothing either of us can do to erase the utterance of the moment.

Words are not only remembered for a lifetime, but if not forgiven, they endure beyond the chilly waters of death. We read in Matthew 12:36: “I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.” Thank God, those of us who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ are promised that our sins—and our harsh words—will be remembered against us no more and will be removed “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12). Apart from that atonement, however, our words will follow us forever.

I didn’t intend to preach a sermon here, because I am not a minister or a theologian. But I find great inspiration for all family relationships within the great wisdom of the Scriptures. And so it is with the impact of what we say. The scary thing for us parents is that we never know when the mental videotape is running during our interactions with children and teens. A comment that means little to us at the time may stick and be repeated long after we are dead and gone. By contrast, the warm and affirming things we say about our sons and daughters may be a source of satisfaction for decades. Again, it is all in the power of words.

Here’s something else to remember. The circumstances that precipitate a hurtful comment for a child or teen are irrelevant to their impact. Let me explain. Even though a child pushes you to the limit, frustrating and angering you to the point of exasperation, you will nevertheless pay a price for overreacting. Let’s suppose you lose your poise and shout, “I can’t stand you! I wish you belonged to someone else.” Or “I can’t believe you failed another test. How could a son of mine be so stupid!” Even if every normal parent would also have been agitated in the same situation, your child will not focus on his misbehavior or failure in the future. He is likely to forget what he did to cause your outburst. But he will recall the day you said you didn’t want him or that he was stupid. It isn’t fair, but neither is life.

I know I’m stirring a measure of guilt into the mix with these comments. (My words are powerful too, aren’t they?) My purpose, however, is not to hurt you but to make you mindful that everything you say has lasting meaning for a child. He may forgive you later for “setting the fire,” but how much better it would have been to have stayed cool. You can learn to do that with prayer and practice.

It will also help to understand that we are most likely to say something hurtful when we are viscerally angry—when we are so perturbed that we aren’t thinking rationally. The reason is because of the powerful biochemical reaction going on inside. The human body is equipped with an automatic defense system called the fight-or-flight mechanism, which prepares the entire organism for action. When we’re upset or frightened, adrenaline is pumped into the bloodstream, setting off a series of physiological responses within the body. In a matter of seconds, the individual is transformed from a quiet condition to an “alarm reaction” state. The result is a red-faced father or mother who shouts things he or she had no intention of saying.

These biochemical changes are involuntary, operating quite apart from conscious choice. What is voluntary, however, is our reaction to them. We can learn to take a step back in a moment of excitation. We can choose to hold our tongue and remove ourselves from a provoking situation. As you have heard, it is wise to count to ten (or five hundred) before responding. It is extremely important to do this when we’re dealing with children who anger us. We can control the impulse to lash out verbally or physically and avoid doing what we will certainly regret when the passion has cooled.

What should we do when we have lost control and said something that has deeply wounded a child? We should begin to repair the damage as quickly as possible. I have many fanatic golfing friends who have tried in vain to teach me their crazy game. They never give up even though it is a lost cause. One of them told me that I should immediately replace the divot after digging yet another hole with my club. He said that the quicker I could get that tuft of grass back in place, the faster its roots would reconnect. My friend was talking about golf, but I was thinking about people. When you have hurt someone, whether a child, a spouse, or a colleague, you must dress the wound before infection sets in. Apologize, if appropriate. Talk it out. Seek to reconcile. The longer the “divot” bakes in the sun, the smaller its chances for recovery will be. Isn’t that a wonderful thought? Of course, the apostle Paul beat us to it. He wrote almost two thousand years ago, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). That Scripture has often been applied to husbands and wives, but I think it is just as valid with children.3

One more time: The goal in dealing with a difficult child is to shape the will without breaking the spirit. Hitting both targets is sometimes easier said than done. Perhaps it will help to share a letter from a mother who was having a terrible time with her son Jake. Her description of this child and her responses to him illustrate precisely how not to deal with a difficult boy or girl. (Note: The details of this letter have been changed slightly to conceal the identity of the writer.)

Dear Dr. Dobson:

More than anything else in this world, I want to have a happy family. We have two girls, ages three and five, and a boy who is ten. They don’t get along at all. The boy and his father don’t get along either. And I find myself screaming at the kids and sitting on my son to keep him from hitting and kicking his sisters.

His teacher of the past year thought he needed to learn better ways of getting along with his classmates. He had some problems on the playground and had a horrible time on the school bus. And he didn’t seem to be able to walk from the bus stop to our house without getting in a fight or throwing rocks at somebody. So I usually pick him up and bring him home myself.

He is very bright but writes poorly and hates to do it. He is impulsive and quick-tempered (we all are now). He is tall and strong. Our pediatrician says he has “everything going for him.” But Jake seldom finds anything constructive to do. He likes to watch television, play in the water, and dig in the dirt.

We are very upset about his diet but haven’t been able to do anything about it. He drinks milk and eats Jell-O and crackers and toast. In the past he ate lots of hot dogs and bologna, but not much lately. He also craves chocolate and bubble gum. We have a grandma nearby who sees that he gets lots of it. She also feeds him baby food. We haven’t been able to do anything about that, either.

Jake’s teachers, the neighbor children, and his sisters complain about his swearing and name-calling. This is really an unfortunate situation because we’re always thinking of him in a bad light. But hardly a day goes by when something isn’t upset or broken. He’s been breaking windows since he was a toddler. One day in June he came home early from school and found the house locked, so he threw a rock through his bedroom window, broke it, and crawled in. Another day recently he tried the glass cutter on our bedroom mirror. He spends a great deal of time at the grandma’s who caters to him. We feel she is a bad influence, but so are we when we’re constantly upset and screaming.

Anyhow, we have what seems to be a hopeless situation. He is growing bigger and stronger but not any wiser. So what do we do or where do we go?

My husband says he refuses to take Jake anywhere ever again until he matures and “acts like a civilized human being.” He has threatened to put him in a foster home. I couldn’t send him to a foster home. He needs people who know what to do with him. Please help us if you can.

Mrs. T.

P.S. Our children are adopted and there isn’t much of anything left in our marriage.

This was a very sad plea for help, because the writer was undoubtedly sincere when she wrote, “more than anything else in this world, I want to have a happy family.” From the tone of her letter, however, it was unlikely that she ever realized that greatest longing. In fact, that specific need for peaceful coexistence and harmony apparently led to many of her problems with Jake. She lacked the courage to do battle with him. It’s possible that he suffered from ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder), which I will discuss in an upcoming chapter. However, for the sake of our discussion here, let’s look at the two very serious mistakes this mom made with her son.

First, Mr. and Mrs. T. failed to shape Jake’s will, although he was begging for their intervention. It is an unsettling thing to be your own boss at ten years of age—unable to find even one adult who is strong enough to earn your respect. Why else would Jake have broken every rule and attacked every symbol of authority? He waged war on his teacher at school, but she was also baffled by his challenge. All she knew to do was call his trembling mother and report, “Jake needs to learn better ways of getting along with his classmates.” (That was a kind way of putting it. I’m sure there were more caustic things the teacher could have said about this boy’s classroom behavior!)

Jake was a brat on the school bus, he fought with his classmates on the way home, he broke windows and cut mirrors, he used the foulest language, and he tormented his sisters. He ate junk food and refused to complete his academic assignments or accept any form of responsibility. Can there be any doubt that Jake was screaming, “Look! I’m doing it all wrong! Doesn’t anyone love me enough to care? Can’t anyone help me? I hate the world and the world hates me!”

Mrs. T. and her husband were totally perplexed and frustrated. She responded by “screaming at the kids” and “sitting on [her] son” when he misbehaved. No one knew what to do with him. Even Grandma was a bad influence. Mom resorted to anger and high-pitched weeping and wailing. There is no more ineffective approach to child management than volcanic displays of anger, as we will see in the following chapter.

In short, Mrs. T. and her husband had totally abdicated their responsibility to provide leadership for their family. Note how many times she said, in essence, we are powerless to act. These parents were distressed over Jake’s poor diet but wrote that they “haven’t been able to do anything about it.” Jake’s grandmother fed him junk food and bubble gum, but they weren’t able to do anything about that either. Likewise, they couldn’t stop him from swearing or tormenting his sisters or breaking windows or throwing rocks at his peers. One has to ask “Why not?” Why was the family ship so difficult to steer? Why did it end up dashed to pieces on the rocks? The problem was that the ship and the crew had no captain! They drifted aimlessly in the absence of a leader—a decision maker who could guide them to safe waters.

The T. family not only failed to shape Jake’s rampaging will, they also assaulted his wounded spirit with every conflict. Not only did they scream and cry and wring their hands in despair, but they demeaned his sense of personal worth and dignity. Can’t you hear his angry father shouting, “Why don’t you grow up and act like a civilized human being? Well, I’ll tell you something! I’m through with you, boy! I’ll never take you anywhere again or even let anyone know that you are my son. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure you are going to be my son for very long. If you keep acting like a lawless thug we’re going to throw you out of the family—we’re going to put you into a foster home. Then we’ll see how you like it!” And with each accusation, Jake’s self-esteem moved down another notch. But did these personal assaults make him sweeter and more cooperative? Of course not! He just became meaner and more bitter and more convinced of his own worthlessness. You see, Jake’s spirit had been crushed, but his will still raged at hurricane velocity. And sadly, he then turned his self-hatred on his peers and family.

If circumstances had permitted (in other words, if I had been married to someone else), it would have been my pleasure to have had Jake in our home for a period of time. I don’t believe it was too late to save him, and I would have felt challenged by the opportunity to try. How would I have approached this defiant youngster? By giving him the following message as soon as his suitcase was unpacked: “Jake, there are several things I want to talk over with you, now that you’re a member of the family. First, you’ll soon learn how much we love you in this house. I’m glad you’re here, and I hope these will be the happiest days of your life. And you should know that I care about your feelings and problems and concerns. We invited you here because we wanted you to come, and you will receive the same love and respect that is given to our own children. If you have something on your mind, you can come right out and say it. I won’t get angry or make you regret expressing yourself. Neither my wife nor I will ever intentionally do anything to hurt you or treat you unkindly. You’ll see that these are not just empty promises that you’re hearing. This is the way people act when they care about each other, and we already care about you.

“But, Jake, there are some other things you need to understand. There are going to be some definite rules and acceptable ways of behaving in this home, and you are going to have to live within them, just as our other children do. I will have them written for you by tomorrow morning. You will carry your share of responsibilities and jobs, and your schoolwork will be given high priority each evening. And you need to understand, Jake, that my most important job as your guardian is to see that you behave in ways that are healthy to yourself and others. It may take you a week or two to adjust to this new situation, but you’re going to make it and I’m going to be here to see that you do. And when you refuse to obey, I will punish you immediately. In fact, I’m going to be right on your neck until you figure out that you can’t beat the system. I have many ways to make you miserable, and I’m prepared to use them when necessary. This will help you change some of the destructive ways you’ve been acting in recent years. But even when I must discipline you, know that I will love you as much as I do right now. Nothing will change that.”

The first time Jake disobeyed what he knew to be my definite instructions, I would have reacted decisively. There would have been no screaming or derogatory accusations, although he would quickly discover that I meant what I said. The following morning we would have discussed the issue rationally, reassuring him of our continuing love, and then started over.

Even the most delinquent children typically respond well to this pairing of love and consistent discipline! And it is a prescription for use in your own home too. I strongly suggest that you give it a go.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: My husband and I are divorced, so I have to handle all the discipline of the children myself. How does this change the recommendations you’ve made about discipline in the home?

A: Not at all. The principles of good discipline remain the same, regardless of the family setting. The procedures do become somewhat harder for one parent to implement since he or she has no additional support when the children become testy. Single mothers and fathers have to play both roles, which is not easily done. Nevertheless, children do not make allowances for difficult circumstances. As in any family, parents must earn their respect or they will not receive it.

Q: What do you think of the phrase “Children should be seen and not heard”?

A: That statement reveals a profound ignorance of children and their needs. I can’t imagine how any loving adult could raise a vulnerable little boy or girl by that philosophy.

Q: Would you go so far as to apologize to a child if you felt you had been in the wrong?

A: I certainly would—and indeed, I have. A number of years ago I was burdened with pressing responsibilities that fatigued me and made me irritable. One particular evening I was especially grouchy and short-tempered with my ten-year-old daughter. I knew I was not being fair but was simply too tired to correct my manner. Through the course of the evening, I blamed Danae for things that were not her fault and upset her needlessly several times. After going to bed, I felt bad about the way I had behaved, and I decided to apologize the next morning. After a good night of sleep and a tasty breakfast, I felt much more optimistic about life. I approached my daughter before she left for school and said, “Danae, I’m sure you know that daddies are not perfect human beings. We get tired and irritable just like other people, and there are times when we are not proud of the way we behave. I know I wasn’t fair with you last night. I was terribly grouchy, and I want you to forgive me.”

Danae put her arms around me and shocked me down to my toes. She said, “I knew you were going to have to apologize, Daddy, and it’s okay; I forgive you.”

Can there be any doubt that children are often more aware of the struggles between generations than their busy, harassed parents are?

Chapter SIX

THE MOST COMMON MISTAKE

IN OUR DISCUSSION of Jake and his family, I said that trying to control children by displays of anger and verbal outbursts is the most ineffective approach to management. It not only doesn’t work, but it actually makes things worse. Researchers at the University of Washington, Dr. Susan Spieker and colleagues, found that parents who attempt to control their children by yelling and insulting them are likely to cause even more disruptive and defiant behavior.1 It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you yell at your kids, they will yell back at you—and more! Furthermore, there is an interactive effect. As the child becomes more rebellious, the parent becomes even angrier.

Unfortunately, when frustrated most adults fall into precisely that pattern of parenting. Educators often make the same mistake. I once heard a teacher say on national television, “I like being a professional educator, but I hate the daily task of teaching. My children are so unruly that I have to stay mad at them all the time just to control the classroom.” How utterly demoralizing to be required to be mean and bad-tempered day in and day out to keep kids from going wild. Yet many teachers (and parents) know of no other way to make them obey. Believe me, it is exhausting and counterproductive! Let’s look at why anger doesn’t work.

Consider your own motivational system. Suppose you are driving home from work one afternoon, exceeding the speed limit by forty miles per hour. A police officer is standing on the corner, but there isn’t much he can do in response. He has no car, no motorcycle, no badge, no gun, and no authority to write tickets. All he can do is scream insults at you and shake his fist as you pass. Would that cause you to slow down? Of course not! You might smile and wave as you hurry by. The officer’s anger only emphasizes his impotence.

On the other hand, imagine yourself tearing through a school zone one morning on the way to the office. You suddenly look in the rearview mirror and see a black-and-white squad car bearing down on you from behind. Eight red lights are flashing and the siren is screaming. The officer uses his loudspeaker to tell you to pull over to the curb. When you have stopped, he opens his door and approaches your window. He is six foot nine, has a voice like the Lone Ranger’s, and wears a big gun on his hip. His badge is gleaming in the light. He is carrying a little leather-bound book of citations that you have seen before—last month. The officer speaks politely but firmly, “Sir, I have you on radar traveling sixty-five miles per hour in a twenty-mile-per-hour zone. May I see your driver’s license, please?” The officer doesn’t scream, cry, or criticize you. He doesn’t have to. You become putty behind the wheel. You fumble nervously to locate the small plastic card in your wallet (the one with the picture you hate). Your hands get sweaty and your mouth is dry as a bone. Your heart pounds like crazy in your throat. Why are you so breathless? It is because the course of action that the police officer is about to take is notoriously unpleasant. It will dramatically affect your future driving habits or, if you do not change, even cause you to do a lot of walking in the days ahead.

Six weeks later you go before a judge to learn your fate. He is wearing a black robe and sits high above the courtroom. Again, you are a nervous wreck. Not because the judge yells at you or calls you names—but because he has the power to make your day a little more unpleasant.

Neither the police officer nor the judge need to rely on anger to influence your behavior. They have far more effective methods of getting your attention. Their serenity and confidence are part of the aura of authority that creates respect. But what if they fail to understand that and begin to cry and complain? What if one of them says, “I don’t know why you won’t drive right. We’ve told you over and over that you can’t break the law like this. You just continue to disobey no matter what we do.” Then getting red-faced, he adds, “Well, I’ll tell you this, young man, we’re not going to take this anymore. Do you hear? Believe me, you’re going to regret this . . . ”

I’m sure you get the point. Anger does not influence behavior unless it implies that something irritating is about to happen. By contrast, disciplinary action does cause behavior to change. Not only does anger not work, I am convinced that it produces a destructive kind of disrespect in the minds of our children. They perceive that our frustration is caused by our inability to control the situation. We represent justice to them, yet we’re on the verge of tears as we flail the air with our hands and shout empty threats and warnings.

I am not recommending that parents and teachers conceal their legitimate emotions from their children. I am not suggesting that we be like bland and unresponsive robots that hold everything inside. There are times when our boys and girls become insulting or disobedient to us, and revealing our displeasure is entirely appropriate. In fact, it should be expressed at a time like that, or else we will appear phony and wimpy. But it should never become a tool to get children to behave when we have run out of options and ideas. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations.

Let me give you another illustration that may be helpful. It will represent any one of 20 million homes on a typical evening. Henry is in the second grade and a constant whirlwind of activity. He has been wiggling and giggling since he got up that morning, but incredibly, he still has excess energy that needs to be burned. His mom is not in the same condition. She has been on her feet since staggering out of bed at 5:30 A.M. She fixed breakfast for the family, cleaned up the mess, got Dad off to work, sent Henry to school, and if she is employed, dropped off the younger kids at a day care center and rushed off to work. Or if she is a stay-at-home mom, she settled into a long day of trying to keep the preschoolers from killing each other. By late afternoon, she has put in nine hours of work without a rest. (Toddlers don’t take breaks, unless they are nappers, so why should their mothers?)

Despite Mom’s fatigue, she can hardly call it a day. Dad comes home from work and tries to help, but he is tired too. Mom still has at least six hours of work left to do, including grocery shopping, cooking dinner, giving baths to the little ones, changing their diapers, tucking them into bed, and helping Henry with his homework. I get depressed just thinking about such weary moms still working as the day draws to a close.

Henry is not so sympathetic, however, and arrives home from school in a decidedly mischievous mood. He can’t find anything interesting to do, so he begins to irritate his uptight mother. He teases his little sister to the point of tears, pulls the cat’s tail, and spills the dog’s water. Mom is nagging by this time, but Henry acts like he doesn’t notice. Then he goes to the toy closet and begins tossing out games and boxes of plastic toys and dumping out enough building blocks to construct a small city. Mom knows that someone is going to have to clean up all that mess, and she has a vague notion about who will get that assignment. The intensity of her voice is rising again. She orders him to the bathroom to wash his hands in preparation for dinner. Henry is gone for fifteen minutes. When he returns, his hands are still dirty. Mom’s pulse is pounding through her arteries by this time and there is a definite migraine sensation above her left eye. Does this sound familiar?

Finally, Henry’s bedtime arrives. But he does not want to go to bed, and he knows it will take his harassed mother at least thirty minutes to get him there. Henry does not do anything against his wishes unless his mother becomes very angry and blows up at him. Henry is sitting on the floor, playing with his games. Mom looks at her watch and says, “Henry, it’s nearly eight o’clock [a thirty-minute exaggeration], so gather up your toys and go take your bath.” Now Henry and Mom both know that she didn’t mean for him to immediately take a bath. She merely wanted him to start thinking about taking his bath. She would have fainted dead away if he had responded to her empty command.

Approximately ten minutes later, Mom speaks again. “Now, Henry, it’s getting later and you have school tomorrow; I want those toys picked up and then I want you in that tub!” She still does not expect Henry to obey, and he knows it. Her real message is, “We’re getting closer, Hank.” Henry shuffles around and stacks a box or two to demonstrate that he heard her. Then he settles down for a few more minutes of play. Six minutes pass and Mom issues another command, this time with more passion and threat in her voice, “Now listen, young man, I told you to get a move on, and I meant it!” To Henry, this means he must get his toys picked up and m-e-a-n-d-e-r toward the bathroom door. If his mother rapidly pursues him, then he must carry out the assignment posthaste. However, if Mom’s mind wanders before she performs the last step of this ritual, or if the phone miraculously rings, Henry is free to enjoy a few minutes’ reprieve.

You see, Henry and his mother are involved in a familiar one-act play. They both know the rules and the role being enacted by the opposite actor. The entire scene is preprogrammed, scripted, and computerized. It’s a virtual replay of a scenario that occurs night after night. Whenever Mom wants Henry to do something he dislikes, she progresses through graduated steps of phony anger, beginning with calmness and ending with a red flush and threats. Henry does not have to move until she reaches her flash point, which signals that she is ready to do something about it. How foolish this game is. Since Mom controls Henry with empty threats, she must stay half-irritated all the time. Her relationship with her children is contaminated, and she ends each day with a pulsing headache. She can never count on instant obedience, because it takes her at least twenty or thirty minutes to work up a believable degree of anger.

How much better it is to use action to achieve the desired behavior and avoid the emotional outburst. Hundreds of approaches will bring a desired response: some involve minor pain; others offer a reward to a less naughty child.

When a parent’s calm request for obedience is ignored by a child, Mom or Dad should have some means of making their youngster want to cooperate. For those who can think of no such device, I will suggest one: There is a muscle lying snugly against the base of the neck. Anatomy books list it as the trapezius muscle, and when firmly squeezed, it sends little messengers to the brain saying, “This hurts: Avoid recurrence at all costs.” The pain is only temporary; it can cause no damage the way I am suggesting its use. But it is an amazingly effective and practical recourse for parents when their youngster ignores a direct command to move.

Let’s return to the bedtime scene with Henry and suggest how it could have been replayed more effectively. To begin, his mother should have forewarned him that he had fifteen more minutes to play. No one, child or adult, likes a sudden interruption of his activity. It then would have been wise to set the alarm clock or the stove buzzer. When the fifteen minutes passed and the buzzer sounded, Mom should have quietly told Henry to go take his bath. If he didn’t move immediately, she could have taken Henry’s face in her hands, looked him straight in the eye and said with conviction but not with frustration, “Do it NOW. Do you understand?” If the lad believes in his heart of hearts that she is prepared to punish him for delaying, no punishment will be necessary. If Henry learns that this procedure or some other unpleasantness is invariably visited upon him in such a moment, he will move before the consequences ensue. Authority, you see, is a subtle thing. It is conveyed mostly by confidence and determination, and sometimes a little bluster.

As for the use of punishment, I know that some readers could argue that the deliberate, premeditated application of minor pain to a small child is a harsh and unloving thing to do. To others, it will seem like pure barbarism. I obviously disagree. Given a choice between a harassed, screaming, threatening mother who blows up several times a day and a mom who has a reasonable, controlled response to disobedience, I would certainly recommend the latter. In the long run, the quieter home is better for Henry, too, because of the avoidance of strife between generations.

On the other hand, when a youngster discovers there is no threat behind the millions of words he hears, he stops listening to them. The only messages he responds to are those reaching a peak of emotion, which means much screaming and yelling. The child is pulling in the opposite direction, fraying Mom’s nerves and straining the parent-child relationship. In the absence of action early in the conflict, the parent usually ends up punishing anyway. The consequences are also more likely to be severe, because by then the adult is irritated and out of control. And instead of the discipline being administered in a calm and judicious manner, the parent has become unnerved and frustrated, swinging wildly at the belligerent child. There is no reason for a fight to have occurred. The situation could have ended very differently if Mom had exhibited an attitude of confident authority.

Let’s go back to Henry and his mother. Speaking softly, almost pleasantly, Mom says, “You know what happens when you don’t mind me; now I don’t see any reason why I should have to make you uncomfortable just to get your cooperation tonight, but if you insist, I’ll play the game with you. When the buzzer sounds you let me know what the decision is.”

The child then has the choice to make, and the advantages to him of obeying his mother’s wishes are clear. She need not scream. She need not threaten to shorten his life. She need not become upset. She is in command. Of course, Mother will have to prove two or three times that she will apply the pain or other punishment if necessary. Occasionally throughout the coming months, Henry will check to see if she is still at the helm. That question is easily answered.

Understanding the interaction between Henry and his mother can be very helpful to parents who have become screamers and don’t know why. Let’s look at their relationship during that difficult evening as diagrammed in figure 3. Note that Henry’s mother greets him at the front door after school, which represents a low point of irritation. From that time forward, however, her emotion builds and intensifies until it reaches a moment of explosion at the end of the day.

By her ultimate display of anger at bedtime, Mom makes it clear to Henry that she is through warning and is now ready to take definite action. You see, most parents (even those who are very permissive) have a point on the scale beyond which they will not be pushed; inevitable punishment looms immediately across that line. The amazing thing about children is that they know precisely where their parents typically draw the line. We adults reveal our particular points of action to them in at least six or eight subtle ways: Only at those moments do we use their middle names (“Jessica Emily Smith, get in that tub!”). Our speech becomes more staccato and abrupt (“Young! Lady! I! Told! You! . . . ”). Our faces turn red (an important clue), we jump from our chair, and the child knows it is time to cooperate. It’s all a game.

The other interesting thing about children is that, having identified the circumstances that immediately precede disciplinary action, they will take their parents directly to that barrier and bump it repeatedly but will seldom go beyond it deliberately. Once or twice Henry will ignore his mother’s emotional fireworks, just to see if she has the courage to deliver on her promise. When that question has been answered, he will do what she demands in the nick of time to avoid punishment.

Now this brings us to the punch line of this important discussion. I must admit that what I am about to write is difficult to express and may not be fully understood by my readers. It may, however, be of value to parents who want to stop fighting with their children.

I have said that parental anger often signals to a child that the parents have reached their action line. Therefore, children obey, albeit reluctantly, only when Mom and Dad get mad, indicating that they will now resort to punishment. On the other hand, the parents observe that the child’s surrender occurs simultaneously with their anger and inaccurately conclude that their emotional explosion is what forced the youngster to yield. Thus, their anger seems necessary for control in the future. They have grossly misunderstood the situation.

Returning one more time to the story of Henry, remember that his mother tells him repeatedly to take his bath. Only when she blows up does he get in the tub, leading her to believe that her anger produced his obedience. She is wrong! It was not her anger that sent Henry to the tub—it was the action he believed to be imminent. Her anger was nothing more than a tip-off that Mom was frustrated enough to spank his bottom. Henry cares about that!

I have written this entire chapter in order to convey this one message: You don’t need anger to control children. You do need strategic action. Furthermore, you can apply the action anywhere on the time line that is convenient, and children will live contentedly within that boundary. In fact, the closer the action moves to the front of the conflict, the less punishment is required and the less often it is necessary. A squeeze of the trapezius muscle is not a sufficient deterrent at the end of a two-hour struggle, whereas it is more than adequate when the conflict is minimal. (Incidentally, I do not recommend that mothers weighing fewer than 120 pounds squeeze the shoulder muscles of their big teenagers. There are definite risks involved in that procedure. The general rule to follow is, if you can’t reach it, don’t squeeze it.)

The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, who wrote the perennial best seller, Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, was severely criticized for his laissez-faire approach to child rearing.2 He was blamed for weakening parental authority and producing an entire generation of disrespectful and unruly children. To the man on the street, Dr. Spock became a symbol of permissiveness and overindulgence in parent-child relationships. It was a bum rap. I had lunch with him one day after we had been guests on a national television show and found our views to be surprisingly similar on most things not political.

Perhaps in response to the criticism that he experienced, Dr. Spock published a clarifying article entitled “How Not to Bring Up a Bratty Child.” In it he wrote, “Parental submissiveness doesn’t avoid unpleasantness; it makes it inevitable.” A child’s defiance, he said, “makes the parent increasingly more resentful, until it finally explodes in a display of anger.”3 He continued, “The way to get a child to do what must be done, or stop doing what should not be done, is to be clear and definite each time. . . . Parental firmness also makes for a happier child.”4 Finally, right before his death at ninety-three years of age, the old pediatrician was quoted as saying, “It’s fine for parents to respect their children, but they often forget to ask for respect back.”5

Dr. Spock was absolutely right. If you don’t take a stand with your child early, she is compelled by her nature to push you further. Terrible battles are inevitable, especially during the adolescent years. The hesitant and guilt-ridden parent who is most anxious to avoid confrontation often finds himself or herself screaming and threatening throughout the day, and ultimately thrashing the child. Indeed, physical abuse may be the end result. However, if Mom and Dad have the courage and conviction to provide firm leadership from the earliest days of childhood, administering it in a context of genuine love, both generations will enjoy an atmosphere of harmony and respect. That is precisely what I have been trying to teach for over thirty years!

Contained in this simple explanation is an understanding of children that some adults comprehend intuitively, and which others never quite grasp. The concept involves the delicate balance between love and control, recognizing that implementing a reasonable and consistent action line does not assault self-worth; instead, it represents a source of security for an immature child.

I have had many mothers say to me over the years: “I don’t understand my kids. They will do exactly what their father demands, but they won’t mind me at all.” There may be several reasons for this differential. First, fathers can be much more intimidating than mothers just by their “presence.” The fact is that dads are often much bigger physically and have a deeper voice that has a way of encouraging a child to respond more quickly to their discipline. Second, children often look to their father for approval, and when he expresses his disappointment to them, they take it more to heart. Finally, and most pertinent here, because mothers usually spend more time with their children, they often get worn down and stop following through with discipline. When that’s the case, children are bright enough to notice that Dad draws his action line earlier than Mom—and they’ll behave accordingly.

There’s another factor: Children often understand these forces better than their parents, who are bogged down with adult responsibilities and worries. That is why so many kids are able to win the contest of wills; they devote their primary effort to the game, while we grown-ups play only when we must. One father overheard his five-year-old daughter, Laura, say to her little sister, who was doing something wrong, “Mmmmm, I’m going to tell Mommy on you. No! I’ll tell Daddy. He’s worse!” Laura had evaluated the disciplinary measures of her two parents and concluded that one was more effective than the other.

This same child was observed by her father to have become especially disobedient and defiant. She was irritating other family members and looking for ways to avoid minding her parents. Her dad decided not to confront her directly about this change in behavior, but to punish her consistently for every offense until she settled down. For three or four days, he let Laura get away with nothing. She was spanked, stood in the corner, and sent to her bedroom. At the conclusion of the fourth day, she was sitting on the bed with her father and younger sister. Without provocation, Laura pulled the hair of the toddler, who was looking at a book. Her dad promptly took action and disciplined her. Laura did not cry, but sat in silence for a moment or two, and then said, “Hurrummph! All of my tricks are not working!”

If you think back to your own childhood years, you may remember similar events in which the disciplinary techniques of adults were consciously analyzed and their weaknesses probed. When I was a child, I once spent the night with a rambunctious friend who seemed to know every move his parents were going to make. Earl was like a military general who had deciphered the enemy code, permitting him to outmaneuver his opponents at every turn. After we were tucked into our own twin beds that night, he gave me an astounding description of his father’s temper.

Earl said, “When my dad gets angry, he uses some really bad words that will amaze you.” (He listed three or four startling examples.) I replied, “I don’t believe it!” Mr. Walker was a very tall, reserved, Christian man who seemed to have it all together. I just couldn’t conceive of him saying the words Earl had quoted.

“Want me to prove it to you?” said Earl mischievously. “All we have to do is keep on laughing and talking instead of going to sleep. My dad will come and tell us to be quiet over and over, and he’ll get madder and madder every time he has to settle us down. Then you’ll hear the cuss words. Just wait and see.”

I was a bit dubious about the plan, but I did want to see the dignified Mr. Walker at his profane best. So Earl and I kept his poor father running back and forth like a yo-yo for over an hour. And as predicted, he became more intense and hostile each time he returned to our bedroom. I was getting very nervous and would have called off the demonstration, but Earl had been through it all before. He kept telling me, “It won’t be long now.”

Finally, about midnight, it happened. Mr. Walker’s patience expired. He came thundering down the hall toward our room, shaking the entire house as his feet pounded the floor. He burst through the bedroom door and leaped on Earl’s bed, flailing away at the boy, who was safely buried beneath three or four layers of blankets. Then from his lips came a stream of words that had seldom reached my tender ears. I was shocked, but Earl was delighted.

Even when his father was whacking the covers with his hand and screaming profanities, Earl raised up and shouted to me, “Did ya hear ’im? Huh? Didn’t I tell ya? I told ya he would say it!” It’s a wonder that Mr. Walker didn’t kill his son at that moment!

I lay awake that night thinking about the episode and made up my mind never to let a child manipulate me like that when I grew up. Don’t you see how important disciplinary techniques are to a child’s respect for his parents? When a forty-five-pound bundle of trouble can deliberately reduce his powerful mother and father to a trembling, snarling mass of frustration, then something changes in the relationship. Something precious is lost. The child develops an attitude of contempt that is certain to erupt during the stormy adolescent years to come. I sincerely wish every adult understood that simple characteristic of human nature.

I’ve met a few wily grown-ups who had a great ability to lead kids. One of them lived near us in Arcadia, California. He owned and operated Bud Lyndon’s Swim School and had a remarkable comprehension of the principles of discipline. I enjoyed sitting poolside just to watch the man work. However, there are few child developmentalists who could explain why he was so successful with the little swimmers in his pool. He was not soft and delicate in his manner; in fact, he tended to be somewhat gruff. When the kids got out of line, he splashed water in their faces and said sternly, “Who told you to move? Stay where I put you until I ask you to swim!” He called the boys “men of tomorrow” and other pet names. His class was regimented, and every minute was utilized purposefully. But would you believe it, the children loved Bud Lyndon. Why? Because they knew he loved them. Within his gruff manner was a message of affection that might escape the adult observer. Mr. Lyndon never embarrassed a child intentionally, and he covered for the youngster who swam poorly. He delicately balanced his authority with a subtle affection that attracted children like the pied piper. Mr. Bud Lyndon understood the meaning of discipline with love.

When I was in ninth grade I had an athletic coach who affected me in the same way. He was the master of the moment, and no one dared challenge his authority. I would have fought wild lions before tackling Mr. Ayers. Yes, I feared him. We all did. But he never abused his power. He treated me courteously and respectfully at a time when I needed all the dignity I could get. Combined with his acceptance of the individual was an obvious self-confidence and ability to lead a pack of adolescent wolves who had devoured less capable teachers. And that’s why my ninth-grade gym coach had a greater influence on me than any other person during my fifteenth year. Mr. Craig Ayers understood discipline with love.

Not all parents can be like Mr. Lyndon or Mr. Ayers, and I would not suggest that they try. Nor would it be wise for a parent at home to display the same gruffness that is appropriate on the athletic field or at the pool. Parents must fit their disciplinary approach to their own personality patterns and the responses that feel natural. However, the overriding principle remains the same for men and women, mothers and fathers, coaches and teachers, pediatricians and psychologists: It involves discipline with love, a reasonable introduction to responsibility and self-control, parental leadership with a minimum of anger, respect for the dignity and worth of the child, realistic boundaries that are enforced with confident firmness, and a judicious use of rewards and punishments to those who challenge and resist. It is a system that bears the approval of the Creator Himself.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: It’s easy for you to tell me not to get angry at my children, but there are times when they just make me furious. For example, I have a horrible time getting my ten-year-old daughter ready for school in the morning. She will get up when I insist, but she dawdles and plays as soon as I leave the room. I have to goad and push and warn her every few minutes or she will be late. So I get more and more angry and usually end up screaming insults at her. I know this is not the best way to handle her, but she makes me so mad! Tell me how I can get her moving without this emotion every day.

A: You are playing right into your daughter’s hands by assuming the responsibility for getting her ready every morning. A ten-year-old should definitely be able to handle that task on her own, but your anger is not likely to bring about her independence. Let me offer a possible solution that has been helpful to others. It will focus on a child named Debbie.

Debbie’s morning time problem related primarily to her compulsivity about her room. She would not leave for school unless her bed was made perfectly and every trinket was in its proper place. This was not something her mother taught her; Debbie was always very meticulous about her possessions. (I should add that her brother never had this problem.) Debbie could have easily finished those tasks on time if she was motivated to do so, but she was never in a particular hurry. So Mom began to fall into the same habit you described—warning, threatening, pushing, shoving, and ultimately becoming angry as the clock moved toward the deadline.

Debbie’s mother and I discussed the problem and agreed that there had to be a better method of getting through the morning. I subsequently created a system that we called “checkpoints.” It worked like this: Debbie was instructed to get out of bed before 6:30 each morning. It was her responsibility to set her alarm and get herself up. As soon as she got up, she immediately went to the kitchen, where a chart was taped to the refrigerator door. She then circled “yes” or “no” for the first checkpoint (getting up by 6:30) for that day. Even one minute late was considered a missed item. It couldn’t have been more simple. She either did or did not get up by 6:30.

The second checkpoint occurred at 7:10. By that time, Debbie was required to have her room straightened to her own satisfaction, be dressed, have her teeth brushed and hair combed, and so forth, and be ready to practice the piano. Forty minutes was ample time for these tasks, which could actually be done in ten to fifteen minutes if she wanted to hurry. Thus, the only way she could miss the second checkpoint was to ignore it deliberately.

Now, what meaning did the checkpoints have? Did failure to meet them bring anger and wrath and gnashing of teeth? Of course not. The consequences were straightforward and fair. If Debbie missed one checkpoint, she was required to go to bed thirty minutes earlier than usual that evening. If she missed two, she hit her pillow an hour before her assigned hour. She was permitted to read during that time in bed, but she could not watch television or talk on the telephone. This procedure took all the morning pressure off of the mother and placed it on Debbie’s shoulders, where it belonged. There were occasions when Mom would get up just in time to fix breakfast, only to find Debbie sitting soberly at the piano, clothed and ready for the day.

This system of discipline can serve as a model for parents whose children have similar behavioral problems. It was not oppressive; in fact, Debbie seemed to enjoy having a target to shoot for. The limits of acceptable performance were defined beyond question. The responsibility was clearly placed on the child. Consequences of noncompliance were fair and easily administered. And this system required no adult anger or foot stomping.

You can adapt this concept in order to resolve the thorny conflicts in your home too. The only limit lies in the creativity and imagination of the parent.

Q: Sometimes my husband and I disagree on our discipline and argue in front of our children about what is best. Do you think this is damaging?

A: Yes, I do. You and your husband should present a united front, especially when children are watching. If you disagree on an issue, it can be discussed later in private. Unless the two of you can come to a consensus, your children will begin to perceive that standards of right and wrong are arbitrary. They will also make end runs around the tougher parent to get the answer they want. There are even more serious consequences for boys and girls when parents are radically different in their approach.

Here’s the point of danger: Some of the most hostile, aggressive teenagers I’ve seen come from family constellations where the parents have leaned in opposite directions in their discipline. Suppose the father is unloving and disinterested in the welfare of his kids. His approach is harsh and physical. He comes home tired and may knock them around if they get in his way. The mother is permissive by nature. She worries every day about the lack of love in the father-child relationships. Eventually she sets out to compensate for it. When Dad sends their son to bed without his dinner, Mom slips him milk and cookies. When he says no to a particular request, she finds a way to say yes. She lets the kids get away with murder because it is not in her spirit to confront them.

What happens under these circumstances is that the authority figures in the family contradict each other and cancel each other out. Consequently, the child is caught in the middle and often grows up hating both. It doesn’t always work that way, but the probability for trouble is high. The middle ground between extremes of love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children.

Q: I see now that I’ve been doing many things wrong with my children. Can I undo the harm?

A: I doubt it is too late to do things right, although your ability to influence your children lessens with the passage of time. Fortunately we are permitted to make many mistakes with our kids. They are resilient, and they usually survive our errors in judgment. It’s a good thing they do, because none of us can be a perfect parent. Besides, it’s not the occasional mistakes that hurt a child—it is the consistent influence of destructive conditions throughout childhood that does the damage.

Q: My six-year-old has suddenly become mouthy and disrespectful at home. She told me to “buzz off” when I asked her to take out the trash, and she calls me names when she gets angry. I feel it is important to permit this emotional outlet, so I haven’t tried to suppress it. Do you agree?

A: I’m afraid I don’t. Your daughter is aware of her sudden defiance, and she’s waiting to see how far you will let her go. If you don’t discourage disrespectful behavior now, you can expect some wild experiences during the adolescent years to come.

With regard to your concern about emotional ventilation, you are right that your daughter needs to express her anger. She should be free to say almost anything to you provided it is said in a respectful manner. It is acceptable to say, “I think you love my brother more than me” or “You weren’t fair with me, Mommy.” There is a thin line between what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior at this point. The child’s expression of strong frustration, even resentment and anger, should be encouraged if it exists. You certainly don’t want her to bottle it inside. On the other hand, you should not permit your daughter to resort to name-calling and open rebellion. “Mom, you hurt my feelings in front of my friends” is an acceptable statement. “You stupid idiot, why didn’t you shut up when my friends were here?!” is absolutely unacceptable.

If your daughter approaches you respectfully, as described in the first statement, it would be wise for you to sit down and try to understand the child’s viewpoint. Be big enough to apologize if you have wronged her in some way. If you feel you are in the right, however, calmly explain why you acted as you did and tell your daughter how she can avoid a collision next time. It is possible to ventilate feelings without sacrificing parental respect, and the child should be taught how to do it. This communication tool will be very useful later in life, especially in marriage.