Resilience in Kids Following Divorce

Chapter 14-17 Dobson

Dobson, J. C. (2010). Love Must Be Tough. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781414355771

Fourteen

Angry Women and Passive Men

There is another classic pattern of marital disharmony occurring so commonly today that I feel I should devote an entire chapter to its cause and effect. Many of you will find yourselves described on the next few pages. Others will recognize parents, friends, or perhaps that divorced couple that used to live next door.

The problem has its origins in childhood, long before a young man and woman stand at the altar to say, “I do.” For her part, the girl is taught subtly by her culture that marriage is a lifelong romantic experience; that loving husbands are entirely responsible for the happiness of their wives; that a good relationship between a man and woman should be sufficient to meet all needs and desires; and that any sadness or depression that a woman might encounter is her husband’s fault. At least, he has the power to eradicate it if he cares enough. In other words, many American women come into marriage with unrealistically romantic expectations which are certain to be dashed. Not only does this orientation set up a bride for disappointment and agitation in the future, it also places enormous pressure on her husband to deliver the impossible.

Unfortunately, the man of the house was taught some misconceptions in his formative years, too. He learned, perhaps from his father, that his only responsibility is to provide materially for his family. He must enter a business or profession and succeed at all costs, climbing the ladder of success and achieving an ever-increasing standard of living as proof of manhood. It never occurs to him that he is supposed to “carry” his wife emotionally. For Pete’s sake! If he pays his family’s bills and is a loyal husband, what more could any woman ask for? He simply doesn’t understand what she wants.

Inevitably, these differing assumptions collide head-on during the early years of marriage. Young John is out there competing like crazy in the marketplace, thinking his successes are automatically appreciated by the lady at home. To his shock, she not only fails to notice, but even seems to resent the work that takes him from her. “I’m doing it for you, babe!” he says. Diane isn’t convinced.

What gradually develops from that misunderstanding is a deep, abiding anger on Diane’s part, and a bewildered disgust from John. This pattern has been responsible for a million divorces in the past decade. The wife is convinced that her low self-esteem and her unhappiness are the result of her husband’s romantic failures. With every year that passes, she becomes more bitter and hostile at him for giving so little of himself to his family. She attacks him viciously for what she considers to be his deliberate insults, and bludgeons him for refusing to change.

John, on the other hand, does not have it within him to satisfy her needs. He didn’t see it modeled by his father, and his masculine, competitive temperament is not given to romantic endeavors. Besides, his work takes every ounce of energy in his body. It is a total impasse. There seems to be no way around it.

In the early years, John tries to accommodate Diane occasionally. At other times, he becomes angry and they slug it out in a verbal brawl. The following morning, he feels terrible about those fights. Gradually, his personality begins to change. He hates conflict with his wife and withdraws as a means of avoidance. What he needs most from his home (like the majority of men) is tranquility. Thus, he finds ways of escaping. He reads the paper, watches television, works in his shop, goes fishing, cuts the grass, plays golf, works at his desk, goes to a ball game—anything to stay out of the way of his hostile wife. Does this pacify her? Hardly! It is even more infuriating to have one’s anger ignored.

Here she is, screaming for attention and venting her hostility for his husbandly failures. And what does he do in return? He hides. He becomes more silent. He runs. The cycle has become a vicious one. The more anger she displays for his uninvolvement, the more detached he becomes. This inflames his wife with even greater hostility. She has said everything there is to say and it produced no response. Now she feels powerless and disrespected. Every morning he goes off to work where he can socialize with his friends, but she is stuck in this state of emotional deprivation.

When a relationship has deteriorated to this point, the wife often resorts to some very unfortunate tactics. She begins to look for ways to hurt her husband in return. She embarrasses him by telling his business associates what a cad he is at home. She refuses to attend office functions or provide any other support for his occupation. She tells stories about him to their church associates. She shuts him down sexually and undermines his relationship with the children. To be sure, she can be a formidable opponent in the art of infighting. No one on the face of the earth could hurt John more deeply than his own wife.

Let me make it clear that I’m not condemning this woman out of hand. She has a good case against her husband. He doesn’t meet her needs properly and he’s an inveterate workaholic. To that extent, the man is guilty as charged. I attempted to express this feminine perspective in my book What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, because I believe it is valid.

But every story has two sides, and John’s version should also be told. His wife is wrong to believe that her contentment is exclusively his burden. No one should be expected to carry another person emotionally. Only Diane can make herself happy! She has no right to lay that total load on John. A good marriage is one in which the dominant needs are met within the relationship, but where each spouse develops individual identity, interests, and friendships. This may be the most delicate tightrope act in marriage. Extreme independence is as destructive to a relationship as total dependence.

To summarize my concern, American women tend to be more unrealistic about marriage than their sisters around the world. Movies and television have made them feel that romantic excitement is not only a birthright, but the most important aspect of marriage. When this “feeling” component of the relationship is missing, the family is doomed. It’ll just have to be scrapped. Not even the welfare of the children is important enough to preserve the marriage, and that is tragic.

Let me speak directly and boldly to the women who have seen themselves in this chapter. With all due respect, my most difficult task may be to help you recognize yourselves as part of the problem. The angry women I’ve counseled in the past have been so consumed by their husbands’ disrespect and failures that they couldn’t acknowledge their role in his inability to respond. But certainly, they had helped to make him what he was.

Look at it this way. Verbal bludgeoning never made anyone more loving or sensitive. You simply can’t tear a guy to pieces and then expect him to meet your emotional needs. He’s not made that way. Rather than attacking an unresponsive man and driving him away, there is a method of drawing him in your direction. It is accomplished by taking the pressure off him—by pulling backward a bit—by avoiding the worn-out accusations and complaints—by appearing to need him less—by showing appreciation for what he does right and for being fun to be with. Happiness is a marvelous magnet to the human personality.

Sometimes it is necessary to interject a challenge into the relationship in order to motivate a disengaged spouse. According to the love must be tough philosophy, a demeanor of self-confidence, mysterious quietness, and independence is far more effective in getting attention than a frontal assault.

I remember counseling a bright young lady whom I’ll call Janet. She came to me because she seemed to be losing the affection of her husband. Frank appeared bored when he was at home, and he refused to take her out with him. On weekends, he went sailing with his friends despite the bitter protests of his wife. She had begged for his attention for months, but the slippage continued.

I hypothesized that Janet was invading Frank’s territory and needed to recapture the challenge that made him want to marry her. Thus, I suggested that she retreat into her own world—stop “reaching” for him when he was at home—schedule some personal activities independently of his availability, etc. Simultaneously, I urged her to give him vague explanations about why her personality had changed. She was instructed not to display anger or discontent, allowing Frank to draw his own conclusions about what she was thinking. My purpose was to change his frame of reference. Instead of his thinking, “How can I escape from this woman who is driving me crazy?” I wanted him to wonder, “What’s going on? Am I losing Janet? Have I pushed her too far? Has she found someone else?”

The results were dramatic. About a week after the change of manner was instituted, Janet and Frank were at home together one evening. After several hours of uninspired conversation and yawns, Janet told her husband that she was rather tired and wanted to go to bed. She said good night matter-of-factly and went to her bedroom. About thirty minutes later, Frank threw open the door and turned on the light. He proceeded to make passionate love to her, later saying that he couldn’t stand the barrier that had come between them. It was precisely that barrier which Janet had complained about for months. Her approach had been so overbearing that she was driving him away from her. When she changed her direction, Frank also threw his truck in reverse. It often happens that way.

Having raised the subject of sex, let me ask you an interesting question. Which marriage is likely to enjoy the greatest physical attraction, the steady-as-a-rock relationship or the one that runs hot and cold? Surprisingly, it is the one that varies from time to time. The highest voltage does not occur in the static marriage that is characterized by overfamiliarity, overexposure, and demystification. According to Kinsey researchers, the healthiest relationship is one that “breathes”—one that drifts from a time of closeness and tenderness to a more distant posture. That sets up another exciting reunion as the cycle continues. Couples that work or play together day after day are at a disadvantage compared to husbands and wives whose lifestyle takes them apart briefly and then brings them back together.

Do you see the relevance to our discussion? Those individuals who constantly hover over their partners, drawing their complete reason for existence from that one person, actually handicap the relationship. They interfere with the natural “breathing” that proves to be so healthy over the years.

I’ll conclude with an enlightening interview with my good friend Jean Lush, respected marriage, family, and child counselor. She spoke these words on our Focus on the Family radio program.

LUSH: Over-closeness can cause a marriage to become very dry. When a couple becomes tied to one another in this way, when they feed off each other exclusively, they lose some of the magic. You see, I feel a woman should preserve what I call the “mystique” that is uniquely hers. There should always be a bit of “mystery” in her personality.

DOBSON: Do you think it is possible for a husband and wife to destroy this sense of mystery by overcommunicating?

LUSH: I certainly do. I have counseled couples that complained about not loving each other anymore, even though they communicated beautifully. When they told me how they communicated, I then understood why love had died. They had destroyed the mystique and left only the bare ugliness. That’s why I hate to see absolute honesty in marriage.

DOBSON: Explain what you mean by that.

LUSH: Well, let’s consider what happens to a woman throughout the menstrual cycle. She can have some pretty depressing days, especially during the premenstrual stage. Speaking personally, I had a very biting, vicious tongue at that time, and that is not unusual. Now, if a woman believes she has a right—even an obligation—to be totally honest even when she knows her perception is distorted, she can say some horrid things that she doesn’t really mean. That can be very hard on a marriage. It is simply not healthy to dump all the ugliness on your partner. We need to exercise some discipline in what we say to one another.

DOBSON: When you say you are opposed to total honesty in a marriage, you’re not suggesting that husbands and wives be dishonest with one another, are you?

LUSH: No. But I am saying we don’t have to verbalize every thought that comes in our heads. Love is a delicate flower that must be nurtured. It doesn’t like heat, and it doesn’t like cold. Remember that husbands and wives live in fleshly bodies; we are not saints, and too much ugly reality can take the edge off our affection for one another.

DOBSON: You also worry about women who lean too heavily on their husbands in their thirties, expecting them to carry them emotionally—

LUSH: I know of no better way to set up a midlife crisis ten years later than for a woman to demand more of her husband than he can give in his thirties.

I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Fifteen

Loving Toughness for Singles

An entire book could be written on the love must be tough principles as related to unmarried men and women. The problem, quite frankly, is that many singles want so desperately to be married that they violate the laws of freedom and respect in romantic relationships. That is like turning a firehose on a flickering flame. All that remains is black smoke and ashes.

I heard of one young man who was determined to win the affection of a girl who refused to even see him. He decided that the way to her heart was through the mail, so he began writing her a love letter every day. When she did not respond, he increased his output to three notes every twenty-four hours. In all, he wrote her more than seven hundred letters, and she married the postman.

That is the way the system works. Romantic love is one of those rare human endeavors that succeeds best when it requires the least effort. Those who work the hardest at it are the most likely to fail. And speaking of people who try harder, no one beats a dude named Keith Ruff whose story was told in the Los Angeles Times, February 21, 1982, by Betty Cuniberti. The headline read, “Man Spends $20,000 Trying to Win Hand of Girl Who Can Say No.”

A love-struck man holed up in a $200-a-day Washington hotel has spent, at latest estimate, close to $20,000 demonstrating to his beloved that he won’t take “no” for an answer to his marriage proposal.

On bended knee on Christmas Day, 35-year-old Keith Ruff, once a stockbroker in Beverly Hills, proposed marriage to 20-year-old Karine Bolstein, a cocktail waitress at a Washington restaurant. He met her in a shoe store last summer. The pair had gone out a few times over a two-month period before the proposal.

To his proposal, she looked down and said, “No.”

Since then, Ruff has remained in Washington and demonstrated his wish that she reconsider by sending her everything but a partridge in a pear tree.

That may be next.

He is, he thinks, “close to spending all of my money. I’m not an Arab sheik.”

Shower of Gifts

The tokens of his affection include:

—A Learjet, placed on standby at the airport, “in case she wanted to ride around.”

—Between 3,000 and 5,000 flowers.

—A limousine equipped with a bar and television, parked outside her door.

—A gold ring.

—$200 worth of champagne.

—Catered lobster dinners.

—Musicians to serenade her.

—A clown to amuse her younger brother.

—A man dressed as Prince Charming, bearing a glass slipper.

—Cookies, candy, and perfume.

—Sandwich-sign wearers walking around her home and the restaurant where Bolstein works, conveying the message “Mr. Dennis Keith Ruff LOVES Ms. Karine Bolstein.”

—Balloons, which she promptly popped. “What else would she do?” said the undaunted Ruff. “The house was so full of flowers there was no room to walk around.”

—For her father, a basket of nuts and $300 worth of cigars “to pass out to his friends at the Labor Department. It may sound goofy, but I like him.”

—For her mother, flowers at the French Embassy, where she works. “I don’t think her mother likes me. She called the police,” Ruff said. “But I’ll keep sending gifts to her also. How could anyone be so mad?”

—For both her parents, a stepladder, “so they might look at the relationship from a different angle.”

Unsurprisingly, Ruff said he has “a very, very strange monetary situation.”

He has not worked in some time, describing himself as being of independent means.

“I don’t care how many job offers I get. I’m not interested in any of them,” Ruff said. “I’d rather think about her than sit at a job.”

He said he will spend his last dime and will beg for money if he has to, that he will “keep on trying for 10 years, 20 years. I’ll ask her to marry me 50,000 times.”

Nothing Stops Him

“It doesn’t matter how many times she says no. I will do everything in my power that’s not absurd or against a reasonable law. I wouldn’t stop if she became a nun.

“I’ve never felt this way before!”

Bolstein, meanwhile, said she is flattered, but too young to get married. She also said the house looks like a funeral parlor.

Ruff said, “I don’t want to force her to love me, but I can’t stop.

“Maybe this makes her nervous, but at least she gets to smile along with being nervous. Anybody would like it somewhat.”

Ruff said many people he talks to are skeptical.

“People would say my love is strange,” he said, “but our whole society is falling apart because of the way people love. What is dating? Some guy putting his paws all over you?

“My friends in L.A. know how many women I’ve gone out with. I didn’t like being a womanizer. I believe in the old values. I found the woman I love.”

Ruff said he spends a lot of time in his hotel room planning what to do next and occasionally crying. Bolstein, meanwhile, has been getting asked for her autograph where she works and has had a drink there named after her, a concoction of gin, vodka and rum entitled She Won’t.

Ruff said Bolstein called him once. “But I hung up on her. I didn’t like what she said.

“Reality, to me, is disturbing,” Ruff said. “I’d rather close my eyes and see her face.

“Fantasy is where I’m living. I’m living with hope.

“And some very big bills.”16

There are several things ol’ Ruff needs to know about women, assuming Miss Bolstein hasn’t gotten the message across by now. He could cry in his hotel room for the next fifty years without generating the tiniest bit of sympathy from her. And that jet airplane doesn’t mean a hill of beans to her either. Very few women are attracted to sniveling men who crawl, who bribe, who whine, and make donkeys of themselves in view of the whole world. Tell me, who wants to marry an unambitious weirdo who grovels in the dirt like a whipped puppy? Good-bye, romance! Hello, poorhouse.

On a much smaller scale, of course, the same mistake is made by singles in other places. They reveal their hopes and dreams too early in the game and scare the socks off potential lovers. Divorcées fall into the same trap—especially single women who need a man to support them and their children. Male candidates for that assignment are rarities and are sometimes recruited like All-American athletes. I’ve seen no better illustration than the following item, also appearing in the Los Angeles Times. It was submitted to Virginia Doody Klein for use in her column “Living with Divorce”:

Q. I am a recently divorced, professional man with an unusual problem. I hope you can help me. A woman I dated once called me before I even had a chance to make a second date with her and wanted to know why I hadn’t called her again. After our second date she began to call almost daily with offers for dinner, something funny she’d read and thought I’d enjoy, etc. The crazy part is that this same routine has started with another woman I’m just beginning to ask out. If such behavior is typical, maybe I should have stayed married! How do I extricate myself from this frenzied dating and have a nice, quiet social life?17

Isn’t it obvious what is occurring here? The women being dated by this “professional man” are chasing him like a hound after a rabbit. And predictably, his natural impulse is to run. If they are interested in pulling him toward them, they simply must not invade his territory. Instead, they should maintain a sense of decorum in their responses to him.

I attempted to explain the “how to” of this recommendation during the mid-seventies when I was writing What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. The concepts I was formulating then have withstood intensive scrutiny since that time and provide the foundation for the book you are reading. This is what I wrote:

It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. No toy is ever as much fun to play with as it appeared to a wide-eyed child in a store. Seldom does an expensive automobile provide the satisfaction anticipated by the man who dreamed of its ownership. This principle is even more dramatically accurate in romantic affairs, particularly with reference to men. Let’s look at the extreme case of a Don Juan, the perpetual lover who buzzes from one feminine flower to another.

His heart throbs and pants after the elusive princess who drops her glass slipper as she flees. Every ounce of energy is focused on her capture. However, the intensity of his desire is dependent on her unavailability. The moment his passionate dreams materialize, he begins to ask himself, “Is this what I really want?” Farther down the line as the relationship progresses toward the routine circumstances of everyday life, he is attracted by new princesses and begins to wonder how he can escape the older model.

Now, I would not imply that all men, or even the majority of them, are as exploitative and impermanent as the gadabout I described. But to a lesser degree, most men and women are impelled by the same urges. How many times have I seen a bored, tired relationship become a torrent of desire and longing the moment one partner rejects the other and walks out. After years of apathy, the “dumpee” suddenly burns with romantic desire and desperate hope.

This principle hits even closer to home for me at this moment. Right now, as I am writing these words, I am sitting in the waiting room of a large hospital while my wife is undergoing major abdominal surgery. I am writing to ease my tension and anxiety. While I have always been close to Shirley, my appreciation and tender love for her are maximal this morning. Less than five minutes ago, a surgeon emerged from the operating room with a grim face, informing the man near me that his wife is consumed with cancer. He spoke in unguarded terms of the unfavorable pathological report and the malignant infestation. I will be speaking to Shirley’s surgeon within the hour and my vulnerability is keenly felt. While my love for my wife has never flagged through our fourteen years together, it has rarely been as intense as in this moment of threat. You see, not only are our emotions affected by the challenge of pursuit, but also by the possibility of irrevocable loss. (The surgeon arrived as I was writing the sentence above, saying my wife came through the operation with no complications, and the pathologist recognized no abnormal tissue. I am indeed a grateful man! My deepest sympathy is with the less fortunate family whose tragedy I witnessed today.)

A better example of fickle emotions is illustrated by my early relationship with Shirley. When we first met, she was a lowly sophomore in college and I was a lofty senior. I viewed myself as a big man on campus, and my relationship with this young coed mattered little to me. She, in turn, had been very successful with boys, and was greatly challenged by the independence I demonstrated. She wanted to win me primarily because she wasn’t sure she could, but her enthusiasm inhibited my own interest in return. After graduation, we had one of those lengthy conversations well known to lovers the world over, when I said I wanted her to date other fellows while I was in the Army because I didn’t plan to get married soon. I’ll never forget her reaction. I expected Shirley to cry and hold on to me. Instead, she said, “I’ve been thinking the same thoughts, and I would like to date other guys. Why don’t we just go our separate ways for now?” Her answer rocked me. For the first time in our relationship, she was moving away from me. What I didn’t know was that Shirley stoically closed her front door and then cried all night.

I went away to the Army and returned to the University of Southern California for my graduate training. By this time, Shirley was an exalted senior and I was a collegiate has-been. She was homecoming queen, senior class president, a member of Who’s Who in American Colleges and Universities, and one of the most popular girls in her class. And as might be expected, she suddenly looked very attractive to me. I began to call several times a day, complain about who she was spending her time with, and try to find ways to please my dream girl. However, the moment Shirley saw my enthusiasm and anxiety, her affection began to die. Gone was the challenge which had attracted her two years before. Instead, I had become just another fellow pounding on her door and asking for favors.

One day after a particularly uninspiring date, I sat down at a desk and spent two solid hours thinking about what was happening. And during the course of the introspection, I realized the mistake I was making. A light flashed in my head and I grabbed a pen and wrote ten changes I was going to make in our relationship. First, I was determined to demonstrate self-respect and dignity, even if I lost the one I now loved so deeply. Second, I decided to convey this attitude every time I got the chance: “I am going somewhere in life, and I’m anxious to get there. I love you and hope you choose to go with me. If you do, I’ll give myself to you and try to make you happy. However, if you choose not to make the journey with me, then I can’t force my will on you. The decision is yours and I’ll accept it.” There were other elements to my new manner, but they all centered on self-confidence and independence.

The first night that I applied the new formula was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. The girl who is now my wife saw me starting to slip away on that evening, and she reacted with alarm. We were riding in silence in my car, and Shirley asked me to pull over to the curb and stop. When I did she put her arms around my neck and said, “I’m afraid I’m losing you and I don’t know why. Do you still love me?” I noticed by the reflected light of the moon that she had tears in her eyes. She obviously didn’t hear my thumping heart as I made a little speech about my solitary journey in life. You see, I had reestablished the challenge for Shirley, and she responded beautifully.

The psychological force which produced our see-saw relationship is an important one, since it is almost universal in human nature. Forgive the redundancy, but I must restate the principle: we crave that which we can’t attain, but we disrespect that which we can’t escape. This axiom is particularly relevant in romantic matters, and has probably influenced your love life, too.18

Given that background, let me get very specific with those of you who are single but wish not to be. (No insult is intended to those who are single by design and wish to remain unmarried. That is a legitimate choice which should be respected by friends and family, alike.) The following sixteen suggestions will help you conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.

1. Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase “too hot not to cool down” has validity. Take it one step at a time.

2. Don’t discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal “valleys” occur. And they will occur.

3. Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.

4. Don’t call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.

5. Don’t be too quick to reveal your desire to get married—or that you think you’ve just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you’ll throw him or her into panic.

6. Most important. Relationships are constantly being “tested” by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is, “How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?” An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know, “How free am I to leave if I want to?” It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure, and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

7. Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he/she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, as Shirley did with me, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

8. Do not expect anyone to meet all your emotional needs. Maintain interests and activities outside that romantic relationship, even after marriage.

9. Guard against selfishness in your love affair. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. I once broke up with a girl because she let me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her lunch, etc. I wanted to do these things, but expected her to reciprocate in some way. She didn’t.

10. Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. Believe me, a bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.

11. Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.

12. Be careful to defend the “line of respect,” even during a dating relationship. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don’t preserve this delicate line when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.

13. Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or handsomeness! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make the same demands of you. Don’t let love escape you because of the false values of your culture. In the same vein, be careful not to compare yourself with others—which is the root of all inferiority.

14. If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don’t begin believing “no one would ever want me.” That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!

15. Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to “check your assumptions” with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge toward matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences in expectation between them. For example:

a. Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?

b. Where will you live?

c. Will the wife work? How soon? How about after children are born?

d. Who will lead in the relationship? What does that really mean?

e. How will you relate to your in-laws?

f. How will money be spent?

g. Where will you attend church?

These and dozens of other “assumptions” should be discussed item by item, perhaps with the help of a premarital counselor. Many future struggles can be avoided by coming to terms with potential areas of disagreement. If the differences are great enough, it is even possible that the marriage should never occur.

16. Finally, sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline. Though it’s an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect “easy” women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It’s pronounced “NO!”

These sixteen suggestions are not guaranteed to win the hand of a lover, of course, but they will certainly beat the approach of Mr. Keith Ruff. And you’ll save $20,000 in the process!

Sixteen

Components of a Good Marriage

Perhaps we have said enough about deteriorating human relationships and why homes are falling apart today. I have devoted the large measure of fifteen chapters to the concept of loving toughness and how it can draw families back together, even when they have been on the brink of disintegration. But there are limitations to this approach, directly related to the inherent strength of the foundation upon which the troubled marriage was built. For the injured partner to show self-respect and poise in a period of crisis will bring about no more than a temporary respite unless there is a foundation of authentic love upon which to rebuild.

It is appropriate, therefore, that we turn our attention now to the foundation itself. What are the mysterious ingredients that almost all good marriages have in common? What accounts for the marvelous blending of personalities when two separate and distinct individuals establish a young family and then live together in love and in harmony for the next fifty or sixty years? Is anything of significance known about these long-term marriages that will help others achieve stability in a world of impermanence?

Fortunately, Dr. Desmond Morris has provided an intelligent answer to those questions in his book Intimate Behavior. It was brought to my attention by Dr. Donald Joy, who interpreted the findings for our radio listeners. Dr. Joy said research now verifies that the healthiest marriages are those where a proper “bonding” has occurred between a husband and wife. Bonding refers to the emotional covenant that links a man and woman together for life and makes them intensely valuable to one another. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other person on the face of the earth. It is God’s gift of companionship to those who have experienced it.

But how does this bonding occur, and why is it missing in so many relationships? According to Drs. Joy and Morris, bonding is most likely to develop among those who have moved systematically and slowly through twelve steps during their courtship and early marriage. These stages, described below,19 represent a progression of physical intimacy from which a permanent commitment often evolves.

1. Eye to body. A glance reveals much about a person—sex, size, shape, age, personality, and status. The importance people place on these criteria determines whether or not they will be attracted to each other.

2. Eye to eye. When the man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, their most natural reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted.

3. Voice to voice. Their initial conversations are trivial and include questions like, “What is your name?” or “What do you do for a living?” During this long stage the two people learn much about each other’s opinions, pastimes, activities, habits, hobbies, likes and dislikes. If they’re compatible, they become friends.

4. Hand to hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually on nonromantic occasions such as when the man helps the woman descend a high step or aids her across an obstacle. At this point, either of the individuals can withdraw from the relationship without rejecting the other. However, if continued, hand-to-hand contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple’s romantic attachment to each other.

5. Hand to shoulder. This affectionate embrace is still noncommittal. It is a “buddy” type position in which the man and woman are side by side. They are more concerned with the world in front of them than they are with each other. The hand-to-shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than a close friendship, but probably not real love.

6. Hand to waist. Because this is something two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic. They are close enough to be sharing secrets or intimate language with each other. Yet, as they walk side by side with hand to waist, they are still facing forward.

7. Face to face. This level of contact involves gazing into one another’s eyes, hugging, and kissing. If none of the previous steps were skipped, the man and woman will have developed a special code from experience that enables them to engage in deep communication with very few words. At this point, sexual desire becomes an important factor in the relationship.

8. Hand to head. This is an extension of the previous stage. The man and woman tend to cradle or stroke each other’s head while kissing or talking. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless they are either romantically involved or unless they are family members. It is a designation of emotional closeness.

9–12. The final steps. The last four levels of involvement are distinctly sexual and private. They are (9) hand to body, (10) mouth to breast, (11) touching below the waist, and (12) intercourse. Obviously, the final acts of physical contact should be reserved for the marital relationship, since they are progressively sexual and intensely personal.

What Joy and Morris are saying is that intimacy must proceed slowly if a male-female relationship is to achieve its full potential. When two people love each other deeply and are committed for life, they have usually developed a great volume of understandings between them that would be considered insignificant to anyone else. They share countless private memories unknown to the rest of the world. That is, in large measure, where their sense of specialness to one another originates. Furthermore, the critical factor is that they have taken these steps in sequence. When later stages are reached prematurely, such as when couples kiss passionately on the first date or have sexual intercourse before marriage, something precious is lost from the relationship. Instead, their courtship should be nurtured through leisurely walks and talks and “lovers’ secrets” that lay the foundation for mutual intimacy. Now we can see how the present environment of sexual permissiveness and lust serves to weaken the institution of marriage and undermine the stability of the family.

At the risk of trivializing a beautiful concept, let me share the words of an old song that illustrates this shared intimacy. Though the lyrics were apparently intended to be humorous, they speak clearly about the voice-to-voice stage of courtship from which bonded relationships develop.20

I’m the official historian on Shirley Jean Berrell,

I’ve known her since Lord only knows and I won’t tell;

I caught her the first time she stumbled and fell,

And Shirley, she knows me just as well.

I can tell you her birthday and her daddy’s middle name,

The uncles on her momma’s side and ones they don’t claim;

What she’s got for Christmas since nineteen fifty-two,

And that’s only the beginning of the things I could tell you.

I can tell you her fav’rite song and where she’d like to park,

And why to this very day she’s scared of the dark;

How she got her nickname and that scar behind her knee,

If there’s anything you need to know ’bout Shirley, just ask me.

I know where she’s ticklish and her every little quirk,

The funnies she don’t read, and her number at work;

I know what she stands for and what she won’t allow,

The only thing that I don’t know is where she is right now.

Ole Shirley, she knows me just as well.

It would appear that Shirley Jean Berrell and her singing boyfriend are well on their way toward a bonded relationship. I hope they will be happy together.

Before we tuck away this understanding of bonded commitments, let me emphasize that this concept applies not only to courtship experiences. The most successful marriages are those wherein husbands and wives journey through the twelve steps regularly in their daily lives. Touching and talking and holding hands and gazing into one another’s eyes and building memories are as important to partners in their midlife years as to rambunctious twenty-year-olds. Indeed, the best way to invigorate a tired sex life is to walk through the twelve steps of courtship, regularly and with gusto! Conversely, when sexual intercourse is experienced without the stages of intimacy that should have preceded it in prior days, the woman is likely to feel used and abused.

For couples that have found it difficult to maintain the kind of intimacy and closeness I have described, I would like to offer the strongest endorsement for a program called Marriage Encounter. While not intended for marriages in serious jeopardy, this program is the best I’ve seen for improving the quality of communication within the family. The principles on which it is based are valid and effective.

Shirley and I had heard about Marriage Encounter for years but had never found time to participate. Finally, at the urging of a pediatrician friend, we decided to experience ME for ourselves. Frankly, I attended for professional reasons, not expecting to get anything relevant to my wife and me. If there is anything I felt Shirley and I didn’t need it was help in communicating. I have rarely been so wrong.

The beauty of Marriage Encounter is that it has the ability to float to wherever the need is greatest. In our case, the need had little to do with communication in the classic sense. Instead, we discovered a secret source of tension that Shirley had not verbalized and I didn’t know existed. It had to do with the recent deaths of eight senior members of our small family, six of whom were males. My wife had watched as the survivors struggled to cope with life alone and the awesome implications of sudden widowhood. Because Shirley and I were in our midforties, she was quietly worrying about the possibility of losing me—and was wanting to know where we were going from here. My loving wife was also saying to herself, “I know Jim needed me when we were younger and he was struggling to establish himself professionally. But do I still have a prominent place in his heart?”

One simply does not sit down to discuss such delicate matters, voice to voice, in the rush and hubbub of everyday life. They are held inside until (and if) an opportunity to express them is provided. For Shirley and me, that occurred throughout the Marriage Encounter program. In the early part of the weekend, we worked through the possibility of my death; then on the final morning, the issue of my continued love for her was laid to rest.

Shirley was alone in our hotel room, expressing her private concern in a written statement to me. And by divine leadership I’m sure, I was in another room addressing the same issue, even though we had not discussed it. When we came together and renewed our commitment for the future, whatever it might hold, Shirley and I experienced one of the most emotional moments of our lives. It was a highlight of our years together, and neither of us will ever forget it.

Although it will require me to share an intensely personal statement between my wife and me, I would like to conclude with a portion of the letter I wrote to her on that memorable morning. I will skip the more intimate details, quoting only the memories that “bonded” me to my bride.

Who else shares the memory of my youth during which the foundations of love were laid? I ask you, who else could occupy the place that is reserved for the only woman who was there when I graduated from college and went to the Army and returned as a student at USC and bought my first decent car (and promptly wrecked it) and picked out an inexpensive wedding ring with you (and paid for it with Savings Bonds), and we prayed and thanked God for what we had. Then we said the wedding vows and my dad prayed, “Lord, you gave us Jimmy and Shirley as infants to love and cherish and raise for a season, and tonight, we give them back to you after our labor of love—not as two separate individuals, but as one!” And everyone cried. Then we left for the honeymoon and spent all our money and came home to an apartment full of rice and a bell on the bed, and we had only just begun. You taught the second grade and I taught (and fell in love with) a bunch of sixth graders, and especially a kid named Norbert, and I earned a master’s degree and passed the comprehensive exams for a doctorate. And we bought our first little home and remodeled it and I dug up all the grass and buried it in a ten-foot hole which later sank and looked like two graves in the front yard—and while spreading the dirt to make a new lawn, I accidentally “planted” eight million ash seeds from our tree and discovered two weeks later that we had a forest growing between our house and the street. Then alas, you delivered our very own baby, and we loved her half to death and named her Danae Ann and built a room on our little bungalow and gradually filled it with furniture. Then I joined the staff of Childrens Hospital, and I did well there, but still didn’t have enough money to pay our USC tuition and other expenses, so we sold (and ate) a Volkswagen. Then I earned a Ph.D. and we cried and thanked God for what we had. In 1970, we brought home a little boy and named him James Ryan and loved him half to death and didn’t sleep for six months. And I labored over a manuscript titled “Dare To” something or other and then reeled backward under a flood of favorable responses and a few not-so-favorable responses and received a small royalty check and thought it was a fortune and I joined the faculty at USC School of Medicine and did well there. Soon I found myself pacing the halls of Huntington Memorial Hospital as a team of grim-faced neurologists examined your nervous system for evidence of a hypothalamic tumor and I prayed and begged God to let me complete my life with my best friend, and He finally said, “Yes—for now,” and we cried and thanked Him for what we had. And we bought a new house and promptly tore it to shreds and went skiing in Vail, Colorado, and tore your leg to shreds, and I called your mom to report the accident, and she tore me to shreds and our toddler, Ryan, tore the whole town of Arcadia to shreds. And the construction on the house seemed to go on forever and you stood in the shattered living room and cried every Saturday night because so little had been accomplished. Then during the worst of the mess, one hundred friends gave us a surprise housewarming and they slopped through the debris and mud and sawdust and cereal bowls and sandwich parts—and the next morning you groaned and asked, “Did it really happen?” And I published a new book called Hide or Seek (What?) and everyone called it Hide and Seek, and the publisher sent us to Hawaii and we stood on the balcony overlooking the bay and thanked God for what we had. And I published What Wives Wish and people liked it and the honors rolled in and the speaking requests arrived by the hundreds. Then you underwent risky surgery and I said, “Lord, not now!” And the doctor said, “No cancer!” and we cried and thanked God for what we had. Then I started a radio program and took a leave of absence from Childrens Hospital and opened a little office in Arcadia called Focus on the Family, which a three-year-old radio listener later called “Poke Us in the Family,” and we got more visible. Then we went to Kansas City for a family vacation and my dad prayed on the last day and said, “Lord, we know it can’t always be the wonderful way it is now, but we thank you for the love we enjoy today.” A month later he experienced his heart attack and in December I said good-bye to my gentle friend and you put your arm around me and said, “I’m hurting with you!” and I cried and said “I love you!” And we invited my mother to spend six weeks with us during her recuperation period and the three of us endured the loneliest Christmas of our lives as the empty chair and missing place setting reminded us of his red sweater and dominoes and apples and a stack of sophisticated books and a little dog named Benji who always sat on his lap. But life went on. My mother staggered to get herself back together and couldn’t and lost fifteen pounds and moved to California and still ached for her missing friend. And more books were written and more honors arrived and we became better known and our influence spread and we thanked God for what we had. And our daughter went into adolescence and this great authority on children knew he was inadequate and found himself asking God to help him with the awesome task of parenting, and He did and we thanked Him for sharing His wisdom with us. And then a little dog named Siggie who was sort of a dachshund grew old and toothless and we had to let the vet do his thing, and a fifteen-year love affair between man and dog ended with a whimper. But a pup named Mindy showed up at the front door and life went on. Then a series of films were produced in San Antonio, Texas, and our world turned upside down as we were thrust into the fishbowl and “Poke Us in the Family” expanded in new directions and life got busier and more hectic and time became more precious, and then someone invited us to a Marriage Encounter weekend where I sit at this moment.

So I ask you! Who’s gonna take your place in my life? You have become me and I have become you. We are inseparable. I’ve now spent 46 percent of my life with you, and I can’t even remember much of the first 54! Not one of the experiences I’ve listed can be comprehended by anyone but the woman who lived through them with me. Those days are gone, but their aroma lingers on in our minds. And with every event during these twenty-one years, our lives have become more intertwined—blending eventually into this incredible affection that I bear for you today.

Is it any wonder that I can read your face like a book when we are in a crowd? The slightest narrowing of your eyes speaks volumes to me about the thoughts that are running through your conscious experience. As you open Christmas presents, I know instantly if you like the color or style of the gift, because your feelings cannot be hidden from me.

I love you, S.M.D. (remember the monogrammed shirt)? I love the girl who believed in me before I believed in myself. I love the girl who never complained about huge school bills and books and hot apartments and rented junky furniture and no vacations and humble little Volkswagens. You have been with me—encouraging me, loving me, and supporting me since August 27, 1960. And the status you have given me in our home is beyond what I have deserved.

So why do I want to go on living? It’s because I have you to take that journey with. Otherwise, why make the trip? The half-life that lies ahead promises to be tougher than the years behind us. It is in the nature of things that my mom will someday join my father and then she will be laid to rest beside him in Olathe, Kansas, overlooking a wind-swept hill from whence he walked with Benji and recorded a cassette tape for me describing the beauty of that spot. Then we’ll have to say good-bye to your mom and dad. Gone will be the table games we played and the Ping-Pong and lawn darts and Joe’s laughter and Alma’s wonderful ham dinners and her underlined birthday cards and the little yellow house in Long Beach. Everything within me screams “No!” But my dad’s final prayer is still valid—“We know it can’t always be the way it is now.” When that time comes, our childhoods will then be severed—cut off by the passing of the beloved parents who bore us.

What then, my sweet wife? To whom will I turn for solace and comfort? To whom can I say, “I’m hurting!” and know that I am understood in more than an abstract manner? To whom can I turn when the summer leaves begin to change colors and fall to the ground? How much I have enjoyed the springtime and the warmth of the summer sun. The flowers and the green grass and the blue sky and the dear streams have been savored to their fullest. But alas, autumn is coming. Even now, I can feel a little nip in the air—and I try not to look at a distant, lone cloud that passes near the horizon. I must face the fact that winter lies ahead—with its ice and sleet and snow to pierce us through. But in this instance, winter will not be followed by springtime, except in the glory of the life to come. With whom, then, will I spend that final season of my life?

None but you, Shirls. The only joy of the future will be in experiencing it as we have the past twenty-one years—hand in hand with the one I love . . . a young miss named Shirley Deere, who gave me everything she had—including her heart.

Thank you, babe, for making this journey with me. Let’s finish it—together!

Your Jim

That is known as marital bonding!

Seventeen

With More Love to the Victims

I began this book with an expression of love and empathy for the men and women who have gone through severe family crises and personal suffering. I would like to conclude my comments by speaking directly to those same individuals who desperately need the advice I’ve offered. I know this has not been an easy book for you to read. Frankly, I found it difficult to write. I have taken no pleasure in describing the sordid details of infidelity, child and wife abuse, homosexuality, alcoholism, marital conflict, and divorce. But this is reality! One in five couples ages forty-five to sixty-four have experienced extramarital affairs during their marriage.21 That translates into millions of people who have experienced the same emotional trauma that you’ve encountered. And that’s why I wrote this book. I hoped to provide some practical tools and philosophies with which to draw your partner back in the direction of commitment and responsibility. I pray that will happen!

But now I must offer one final word of advice, equal in importance to anything I have written. Surprisingly, my greatest concern is reserved for those families that have pulled themselves back from the brink of divorce with God’s help and seem to be on the road to recovery. At that moment of celebration, a new peril often emerges that can be more deadly than the first. Just when the battle appears to have been won, everything can be lost for reasons that did not exist in the beginning. That’s why I urge you to read this final chapter carefully and heed its warning.

In order to explain, let’s return to the plight of Linda, whose husband is involved with another woman. As you recall, she has suffered untold agonies over Paul’s blatant infidelity and rejection, being wounded almost to the point of death. Indeed, suicide has undoubtedly been her option many times in the early hours of the morning or on a lonely afternoon.

But then a quiet transformation begins to occur. Let’s suppose Linda stumbles across the principles of loving toughness and gradually learns to set her husband free. She realizes for the first time that the guilt she feels is not entirely valid, and the dynamics of their conflict come into clearer focus. Her self-esteem slowly returns, and the long bleak winter starts to thaw.

You can’t imagine how good it feels for her to escape the pain of the past! Relief, blessed relief, occurs after months of unrelenting depression and sorrow. But beware! Therein lies the danger! It is very easy in that moment for Linda to forget her original desire to draw Paul back to her, permanently sealing him out of her heart. When the selfishness of what he has done is fully realized, her depression can turn to anger or profound apathy. She could also fear that once Paul has returned and the crisis is over, her original problems will recur and life will be no different from their darkest hours. For these and other reasons, Linda may no longer want Paul back when she finally learns she can have him. It often happens just that way! When it does, the unfaithful spouse sometimes goes through the same agonies that besieged his wife a few months earlier. The entire relationship can turn upside down.

To all those who find yourselves in Linda’s situation today, I urge you to remain open to the will of the Lord, even though it means loving and forgiving the one who caused so much grief! I know it is easier to talk about forgiveness than to exercise it, especially when the hurt was inflicted by a marital partner. Nevertheless, that is what we as Christians are required to do in time. There is no place for hatred in the heart of one who has himself been forgiven of so many sins.

I must stress this point. The toughness I have recommended in response to irresponsibility can be destructive and vicious unless it is characterized by genuine love and compassion. Our purpose must never be to hurt or punish the other person, even when retribution is deserved by him or her. Vengeance is the exclusive prerogative of the Lord (Romans 12:19). Furthermore, resentment is a dangerous emotion. It can be a malignancy that consumes the spirit and warps the mind, leaving us bitter and disappointed with life. I’ll say it again: no matter how badly we have been mistreated or how selfish our partners have seemed, we are called upon to release them from accountability. That is the meaning of true forgiveness. According to psychologist Archibald Hart, “Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.”

Some of the most dramatic moments in my counseling experience have involved outright forgiveness by one spouse for the devastating wrongs of the other. I’ll never forget the day Janelle walked into my office. She brought an air of depression and sadness with her as she sat head downward in a chair. Her husband, Lonny, had asked for my help after Janelle attempted suicide in the middle of the night. He had gotten up at 3:00 A.M. to go to the bathroom and found her in the process of taking her life. If he had not awakened, she would have been gone.

Lonny had no idea why Janelle attempted to kill herself or why she was so depressed. She wouldn’t tell him. He knew she was dealing with something awesome, but he could not make her reveal it. Even after the suicide episode, she held everything inside, moping around the house in depression. Finally, she agreed to talk to me, and Lonny brought her to my office.

Lonny sat outside while Janelle and I talked. At first she threw a smoke screen around her emotions, but eventually the story broke. She was deeply involved in an affair with a business acquaintance and the guilt was tearing her to pieces.

I said, “Janelle, you know that the only way you will ever settle this matter is to confess the affair to Lonny. You can’t keep this enormous secret between you forever. It will be a barrier that will destroy what’s left of your marriage. I think you should tell Lonny the truth and seek his help in ending the affair.”

She looked at me sadly and said, “I know that’s right, but I can’t tell him! I’ve tried and I just can’t do it!”

I said, “Do you want me to do it?”

Janelle nodded through the tears, and I said, “Go to the waiting room and ask Lonny to come in. You stay there and I’ll call for you in about an hour.”

Lonny arrived with an anxious look on his face. He was worried about his wife, yet he had no idea what to expect. That was, I believe, one of the toughest assignments I’ve ever had—to tell a loving, faithful husband that he had been betrayed by his wife. As might be expected, the news hit him like a blow from a hammer. His anger and anguish were intertwined with compassion and remorse. We continued talking for a while, and then I invited Janelle back into my office.

These two wounded people sat in depression as I attempted to ease communication between them. But the atmosphere was extremely heavy. Finally, I prayed and asked them to leave and come back at 10:00 A.M. the next day.

Janelle and Lonny had a bad night. They didn’t fight, but they were both so hurt and disturbed that they couldn’t sleep. Nor could they talk to one another. They arrived back in my office the next morning in the same state in which they had left. I talked to them about forgiveness, about divine healing of memories, and about their present situation. I don’t know how it happened even today, but a spirit of love began to permeate that office. We prayed together and suddenly, Janelle and Lonny fell into each other’s arms, weeping and asking for forgiveness and granting that forgiveness. It was an unbelievable moment of joy for all three of us, and it happened because a man who had been deceived and betrayed was willing to say, “I hold nothing against you!”

Though this kind of forgiveness is difficult to either give or receive, I can assure you that divorce is even more difficult. It leaves scars on its victims that will last a lifetime. This is why God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He knows the devastation that it inflicts, not only on adults, but even more severely on young children! That is, of course, the soft spot in my heart. I have a special tenderness for kids who hurt, especially those who ache for the arms of a departed parent. It is an everyday occurrence among children in the United States. Over half of the boys and girls under eighteen years of age have one or both parents missing. Within three years of the divorce, half of the fathers never see their children. One of those kids, Lisa Castro, a friend of my daughter, wrote the following poem and addressed it to her father. She said,

Father, I wonder . . .

Did you want to leave us?

I’ve always wondered why.

Did you ever wonder how it could have been?

Did it ever make you cry?

I sit at home and think of you—and how our lives could be.

I’ve always wished, so very much, that you were here with me.

I feel like a part of me has somehow never grown.

Do you ever think of me? My father? My own?

I don’t know the circumstance which caused Lisa’s father to leave, but often the motive for family disintegration is nothing more substantial than unbridled selfishness. In those instances, I must ask what sexual thrills—what romantic extravaganzas, what conflict—could justify the pain of a child like Lisa? It will be remembered for a lifetime! Comedian Jonathan Winters referred to his parents’ divorce forty years earlier when he said, “All of my humor is a response to sorrow!”

Divorce is also devastating to parents who want to be with the children they lost in a custody hearing. That is Martin’s situation, as he described it in an emotional letter to me:

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I watched your film on the subject of fathering last night. Those around me were in tears when it was over and I could not find the strength to leave. You see, I am the father of a three-year-old son named Bradley. Two years ago his mother decided to divorce me and she got a court order to force me out of the house. A staff psychologist testified that I would make a better parent than my wife, but she got custody of the child and the judge gave her almost everything we had. The one thing I wanted—the one thing I really cared about—was little Bradley. He needed me!

Bradley was still in diapers when my wife and I separated and the only words he could say were, “My daddy!” But he knew what they meant. When I would come for my visitation day, he would cling to me saying those words. He would sleep for three hours within a few minutes after I picked him up. Then when I returned him to his mother, Bradley would stretch his arms toward me screaming, “My daddy! My daddy!”

I have cherished my times with Bradley these past two years. He and I watch television together, and he lies on my stomach and goes to sleep. Sometimes he sits on the floor beside me and puts his little legs on top of me because Daddy puts his feet on the couch. I taught Bradley to brush his teeth and how to use the potty chair. If he’s had a bad dream he will tell me about it. In earlier days when his mother washed his hair, Bradley would scream. But now I tell him what I expect and assure him that I will not get soap in his eyes, and he doesn’t cry. He trusts me. I feel so close to my son. If I go to the garage and do some work, Bradley goes with me. Daddy is so proud to have his little boy with him that he doesn’t even care when his son dumps nails all over the floor. I taught him to pray.

Now that Bradley is three and a half, he can express his feelings to me. Yesterday he asked if I had to take him back to be with his mommy. When I told him, “Not right now, Son, but yes, this is the day,” he started crying. He said, “Daddy, I really miss you.” Yes, I cried then, too. And I am crying now.

Bradley’s mother tells him I am no good and he should forget me. She criticizes the meals I fix and tries to convince him that I can’t cook. She curses me and calls me names in Bradley’s presence. These are minor offenses compared to other things she has done. But the most painful thing to me is that my child has a daddy to teach him only four days a month. Four lousy, stinking, rotten days! How can I mold his developing personality and teach him my values in four short days?

Bradley, I love you. My prayers for you and those like you never cease. I’ll take my four days with you now and pray for the time I can see you more.

You can understand, Dr. Dobson, why I was screaming inside when I saw your movie tonight. I wanted you to keep saying it. Tell the people what they are doing to their kids! Show them how to resolve their differences. Save the families.

It doesn’t seem quite right for a 6’2’’, 205-pound black belt in karate to cry, but that’s all I seem to do anymore.

Thanks for your time,

Martin

It almost seems as though Singer Tom T. Hall had a father like Martin in mind when he wrote the lyrics to his song, “I Left You Some Kisses on the Door.”

Your mom says I can’t see you; the judge says that it’s right.

We can’t be together, ’cause me and Mommy fight.

But you’re my little girl and Daddy loves you more and more.

And I left you some kisses on the door.

I came by to see you but Mommy just said no.

I knocked but Mommy saw me as she peeked through the hole.

I only want to hold you, honey; Mommy thinks it’s war.

But I left you some kisses on the door.

You know your Daddy worries, honey, but it’s not Mama’s fault.

You do what your mommy says; you know she’s the boss.

No matter what I gave you, Mommy thought you needed more,

But I left you some kisses on the door.

Hey, you’re my little angel, babe, and it don’t make much sense

To only get to watch you play through that old schoolyard fence.

Someday you’ll come to me, sweetheart, that’s all I’m waiting for,

’Cause I left you some kisses on the door.22

Come on, America. Enough is enough! We’ve had our dance with divorce, and we have a million broken homes to show for it. We’ve tried the me-philosophy and the new morality and unbridled hedonism. They didn’t work. Now it’s time to get back to some old-fashioned values, like commitment and sacrifice and responsibility and purity and love and a life of righteousness and self-control. Not only will our children benefit from our self-discipline and perseverance, but we adults will live in a less neurotic world, too!

But I can hear someone saying, “Okay, so divorce is not the answer. I have done everything I can to forgive my mate, but I still don’t think I can ever feel affectionate toward this person who deliberately broke my heart.” Let me assure you that romantic love and tenderness can be nurtured back to health, even when the relationship seems beyond the grave. I’ve seen the Author of Love “restore the years the locusts have eaten” for those who have tried to obey Him. I’ll conclude with a letter from Jacque, who has been where you, the reader, may be today.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I was married to a nonbeliever for fourteen years in what proved to be a living hell on earth. There’s no way I can describe how terrible Brent treated me during that time. I considered running away or anything that might help me cope. It seemed that my prayers and my church work were useless in bringing me peace of mind. Gradually, I gave in to the advances of another church member.

He was also unhappily married and, inevitably, we became deeply involved in an affair.

This man’s wife then died of heart disease, and I intended to divorce my husband to marry him. But when Brent saw that he was losing me with no hope of reconciliation, he quietly gave up all the terrible treatment of me and became kind almost overnight. He even changed occupations to give him more time at home.

That put me in a very difficult situation. I loved the other man and felt I couldn’t live without him, and yet I knew it was wrong to divorce my husband. By an act of sheer faith, I broke off the relationship with the other man and did what I believed to be right in the eyes of God. For three years, I did not feel anything for my husband. I claimed the Scriptures and believed that if I would do what they said, the Lord would give me what I had never had. I admit that I went through a terrible struggle with my emotions at this time.

During the last two years, however, God has poured out a blessing on us that you can’t believe! I am so committed to my husband that I find myself loving the man that I hated for fourteen years. God has given me this intense affection for him. Now, something else has happened. Our children have grown so close to us and love each other as never before. We love to look in the Scriptures for things to obey and then we make a commitment to do what we’ve read. First it included a daily study of the Word and now it involves church work—together. We are a witness to all those who see this incredible change in our family.

I said all that to say this. It is worth everything to follow God’s will, even when it contradicts our desires. Oh, there’s always the temptation to chuck it from time to time. But I’d rather spend five minutes in real fellowship with the Lord than a lifetime in fun and games. I can truly say, it works!

Thank you,

Jacque

It will work in your family, too. Thanks for reading my book. I pray that the Lord will bless your home with love and warmth and every good thing.