Psychology Structured Interview Assignment

Chapter Ten

Victims of Affairs: A Dialogue

Since our purpose herein is to discover the fundamental causes of marital erosion and divorce, it seems appropriate that we continue to look closely at families that have experienced this tragedy. If a medical scientist wishes to understand the effects of typhus or emphysema or ulcers, he carefully examines patients who are afflicted with those diseases. Accordingly, we must focus our attention on marriages that have been invaded by the “bacteria” of interpersonal conflict—the most infectious disease of our time.

Toward that end, I invited four intelligent, highly verbal people into our Focus on the Family radio studio to talk about their experiences with infidelity. Each in his or her own way is a victim of an affair, having been betrayed by an unfaithful spouse. What follows in this chapter are portions of the transcript from that intense two-hour conversation involving three women and a man (comments have been edited for clarity and grammatical accuracy). Their stories are symbolic of millions in the Western world today and will serve to illustrate the principles I’ve tried to address.

May I suggest as you read these personal accounts that you attempt to correlate the details with our discussion to this point? Our purpose is not to embarrass the anonymous participants, of course, who have graciously given me permission to present their cases. Rather, we want to learn from them. Therefore, I hope you will look for common mistakes and errors in judgment, especially in the early stages of infidelity. Watch for panic and appeasement as the participants weave their way through their stories. Ask yourself if long-suffering and tolerance were successful in healing relationships. And finally, postulate your recommendations for those who are currently enduring a trial by fire. I will provide a commentary on the discussions in the following chapter.11

DOBSON: I’d like to begin by paying special tribute to the four of you who’ve joined us in the studio today. It won’t be easy to talk about the breakup of your families, but we can profit from what you learned as victims of infidelity. It goes without saying that this topic is a heavy one. Only this morning I heard about a woman whose husband left her. She cried almost incessantly for twelve months, and last Thursday, her thirteen-year-old daughter tried to commit suicide. That is where infidelity sometimes leads. But then, who would know that better than the four of you?

Let me begin by introducing you to our radio listeners. You’ve asked that I not use your real names, so we’ll call you Sue, Jean, Mary Ann, and Mike. And I’m going to ask you, Mary Ann, to begin by telling us your story.

MARY ANN: All right. Shortly after George and I were married, we lived at the beach, and I taught school. My husband was unemployed and had too much free time on his hands. He obviously had a lot of female friends I didn’t know, because in the evening he would get phone calls from these other women. I would ask him about the callers, but he would never respond. Of course, I was feeling so much pain because we were married but not living in a marital relationship. We were living as roommates, due to, I’m sure, the guilt he had over his affairs.

DOBSON: How long had you been married?

MARY ANN: We had been married for about six months when this began. Our divorce occurred after three and one-half years. It was very painful.

DOBSON: Do I understand that you tolerated what you knew to be blatant infidelity for that period of time?

MARY ANN: I knew it in my heart but—

DOBSON: You didn’t really want to know it.

MARY ANN: Yes, right, exactly. I made a decision to say, “No, it’s not really happening.”

DOBSON: Was your husband unemployed by choice?

MARY ANN: It was by choice. The beach was too alluring. And the beautiful girls out there were, I’m sure, even more alluring to him.

DOBSON: Just how obvious was the infidelity? Did he ever bring women home with him?

MARY ANN: No, he didn’t. He was very discreet. It was just that he didn’t want to touch me or have anything to do with me. That was very painful. When your husband shows no interest, you feel like you have no worth and that you’re very unattractive.

DOBSON: Did you and your husband share the same values before you were married? Did you think he was a Christian?

MARY ANN: My former husband and I dated eight years before we married!

DOBSON: Eight years!

MARY ANN: Yes. My parents had been divorced, and I wanted to make sure that I was not getting into a bad marriage.

DOBSON: And you still got a surprise?

MARY ANN: I was—

DOBSON: Blind?

MARY ANN: Very blind, I guess. You know, I really believed that he loved the Lord. Now I know that he was living a double life during all those years we dated. But I had no knowledge of it. He was the first person who really loved me, I thought. I didn’t get love from my home. I was twenty-four years old and I was educated and had my profession, so I really felt like I knew what I was doing. I really thought I knew this person. But, a month after we were married, it all came apart. The difficult thing, of course, is to try to go back and relive that decision. We had met at a Christian college, and I believed in him. He believed in himself. There certainly wasn’t any suggestion of danger then, nor did anyone else perceive it. Then when the affairs began, I would go back in my dreams at night, what little I could sleep, and reexamine my decision to marry. I was committed to God; I wasn’t out of fellowship with Him. Despite my caution, I made an enormous mistake.

DOBSON: Sue, I understand you thought you married a Christian, too?

SUE: Oh, I would have staked my life on it. And in fact, I did. We had been married, let’s see, probably fifteen years before I ever knew he was playing around. At that time he was an administrator in a Christian college where I was teaching. He was also chairman of a moral action committee in our church, which is very ironic. When I learned he was involved in an affair, I could say nothing to anyone because our pastor, our college president, his colleagues . . . were all my friends, too. I just couldn’t ruin his reputation with them. It was a terrible time.

DOBSON: How long were the affairs going on before you knew?

SUE: I’m not sure. I was very spaced out until I finally faced reality. After that, the affairs were continuous until finally the marriage was dissolved. That was a period of six years.

DOBSON: Like Mary Ann, you knowingly tolerated your husband’s infidelity for six years?

SUE: Yes. As a Christian I just committed myself more strongly to the marriage; I was determined that if there were any way to make it work, with God’s help, I was going to do that.

DOBSON: But you lost it anyway?

SUE: Yes.

DOBSON: Looking back on the experience, would there have been any way to have saved your home?

SUE: I don’t think so. And, of course, by being patient I was able to give my children their father for six more years. They loved him best of anyone in the world and still have a good image of him. I wouldn’t change that.

DOBSON: Mike, tell me your story.

MIKE: Well, I had a very successful marriage until my wife had a severe accident and a concussion which left her totally incapable of functioning from January to the end of that school year. She was a teacher, and during that lengthy period of time where she could not function, I took over most of the responsibilities of the home. The next year the doctors felt that for her own self-image, she needed to return to teaching, which she really wanted to do. But she was not emotionally or physically ready. She needed somebody to lean on. That somebody happened to teach next door. Their friendship just evolved from there.

DOBSON: Could you see it coming?

MIKE: At first I couldn’t, but during the next two years, I sensed that she was drawing away from me. When we would try to talk about it, we just went around in circles and never seemed to come to a conclusion. I couldn’t figure out what I was dealing with. I had trusted her implicitly for seventeen years. We had had a happy marriage and to even imagine that she was unfaithful was unthinkable.

SUE: It’s almost impossible to believe you’ve been betrayed when you’ve committed your life to another person.

DOBSON: Especially in the Christian context.

MARY ANN: Absolutely.

DOBSON: You all were involved in churchgoing families—

SUE: Yes. In fact, the worst part of the experience for me was the loss of my spiritual leader. I could handle the rejection and the treachery better than I could deal with the implications of James’s sin.

DOBSON: Jean, let’s hear your story.

JEAN: I identify with what Sue just said. That loss of the person that I looked up to spiritually was the hardest part for me, too. My husband was a career churchman, so I not only lost my mate and the father of my children, but I felt like I lost my spiritual leader.

DOBSON: That’s interesting. Both you and Sue experienced the same thing.

JEAN: Oh, it was my whole lifestyle. Divorce is different than just losing a person; you lose your way of life.

DOBSON: How did it happen to you, Jean?

JEAN: Well, I feel like the senior member here. We lost our marriage after thirty-two years, which is really a tragedy. In fact, that’s why I’m here today. If you go through a tragedy, you ought to be able to use it to help someone else, and I hope my story will do that. The reason I was so attracted to Maury (and, in fact, I still am) was that he was the most moral, sincere kind of boy that I had ever dated. We married when we were both nineteen, and we had children right away. He had his first affair, a short little one, when we had two children. I was very upset about it, naturally. I confronted him, and we decided to treat this like modern people would do. So the four of us, two husbands and two wives, sat down and talked about it. Maury was terribly sorry about the whole thing. He really was. It was not the kind of thing that a man with his background would want to do. And so, all was forgiven and the matter ended. He also had another little encounter, just a little kind of an evening thing, at a party one night, but that blew over, too. Right after that, Maury began his career, and we went along as a very normal, happy family. Then about ten or fifteen years ago, I guess, I found out that he was involved in an affair with someone else. I was ill at the time, and Maury is a very sensitive man. He said he was lonely and needed another woman to do what I couldn’t do for him at the time.

DOBSON: Did you buy that?

JEAN: At the time I did. Yes and no. I wanted to believe him because he really was such a good man. But his extramarital activity continued. He had a long-term affair where he saw a woman regularly for nearly two years. It was not a sexual affair. But it was just as painful to me.

DOBSON: An emotional affair?

JEAN: That’s right. I felt a greater sense of disloyalty over that, picturing him sharing himself, than I would have if he had been sleeping with her. He had other affairs as the years went by—some occasionally with women of the street. I’m not sure you would call that kind of thing an affair.

DOBSON: You knew about each involvement?

JEAN: Yes. Sometimes a long period of time would go by before I found out. But I always found out.

DOBSON: Mary Ann, didn’t you tell me earlier that God revealed your husband’s infidelity to you?

MARY ANN: Yes, he did. I had attended a Christian seminar, and on the way home, I experienced a horrible grip of fear. I just knew I was going to go home and find my husband in bed with another girl. Then I said to myself, “Mary Ann! What in the world is wrong with you? That’s ridiculous!”

DOBSON: You had never caught him before?

MARY ANN: No. That’s why I condemned myself. Nevertheless, I confronted my husband when I got home. He became very angry and made me feel like I was really off the wall. But he was involved at the time, and it was God’s way of preparing me for what was to come. The Lord is so gentle in the way He deals with His children.

DOBSON: Looking back on the first revelation, the moment when each of you first became aware that you had serious problems on your hands, how wisely do you feel you handled the situation? Was there anything you could have done that would have helped? Is there anything you’d do differently if you had those years to live over?

MARY ANN: What I did wrong was that I didn’t pray about the very thing I wanted so desperately. I reacted with anger. Instead of saying, “Lord, show me what kind of wife George needs,” I was always so spiritually dogmatic that my husband had to be the way he was. You know it takes two to make a marriage work, and some of my actions didn’t help accomplish that. My husband probably ran from the very thing I wanted him to do because I was so strong.

DOBSON: How is that?

MARY ANN: I was a very self-righteous Christian at that point, who loved the Lord with all her heart, soul, strength, and mind.

DOBSON: How can you blame yourself for that, Mary Ann?

MARY ANN: Well, nothing is wrong with that, but I handled it wrong. I would say to him, “Please read the Bible to me.” You know, sometimes I’d be into the Word of God, and really wanting to seek after Truth, and he’d try to distract me. I remember making a comment I’ll never forget. It’s the worst thing a woman can do. I said, “You’re a tool of Satan!” It was horrible. So there were many things I did wrong that God has revealed to me over the years. I thank the Lord that He only revealed them to me very gradually.

SUE: The main mistake I made was becoming very cold, sexually. My husband was so cruel and rough, and I had gotten to where I just couldn’t respond. But the moment his infidelity was revealed, I was able to be warm and loving again. I asked his forgiveness immediately. That was my first response when I got the news. I think that’s why I became suicidal. I felt so guilty; I knew I had caused the affairs. But then when I did everything I could to make up for those mistakes and the infidelity continued, then I didn’t feel as guilty. But that first year after learning about his unfaithfulness was awful. I cried every day for twelve months. I’m sure I was a wonderful blessing to my husband during that time. By then we had five little children, and it was so hard to manage the home and be a professional person as he wanted me to be. I wish I could have stopped crying, but I didn’t know what else to do. And there was no one in our environment to whom I could turn. The church counselors were his friends. There was no one. I couldn’t talk to his parents or mine. It was terrible.

DOBSON: Sue, that says so much about your character . . . about who you are. Your primary concern was for his reputation, even when your own pain took you to the threshold of suicide. You had every right to seek counsel from someone!

SUE: Yes, but I was afraid that whoever I talked to would come back to the school and then his reputation would be ruined.

DOBSON: Well, that shows the extent of your courage. But I would not have advised it.

SUE: I did call his mother a few times that spring, but my husband said, “Don’t you ever talk to Mom about this again.” So I honored his orders. I said I would not.

DOBSON: Jean, what mistakes did you make during the time of crisis?

JEAN: I was angry and my ego was hurt and I handled it terribly. There were many confrontations and demands that the affairs stop. But it was all wrong. After Maury and I became Christians (we were baptized holding hands), our marriage stabilized and there was a long period of time, maybe fifteen years or so, before there was any other instance of infidelity. I always thought it would never happen again, you know, because he was so sorry. We would talk about his unfaithfulness, and he would be so sorry. Usually, he would only get in trouble during times when his career was at a really low point. I felt I understood why he did it. I didn’t like it, but I understood him; I concluded that he was a man who wasn’t very verbal, and he couldn’t talk about the pain he felt about his career and where he fit into the world.

SUE: My ex-husband had that problem too.

JEAN: So I felt that he went and looked for another woman to kind of give him a little boost.

SUE: That’s exactly my experience too. My husband could be open with me when he was emotionally up, but in those low times he needed to go find someone else to get high with, I think, because he was so nonverbal and it was very hard for him to open up.

DOBSON: Mike, looking back on your trials, what mistakes did you make?

MIKE: Well, finally when I found out about the affair, it did not come as a surprise. I confronted my wife and she denied it. Then I got in touch with the wife of the man that she was involved with, and it was confirmed.

DOBSON: How did you react?

MIKE: I waited six days before confronting her. Then I said that I knew what she had told me the previous week had not been true.

DOBSON: Why did you wait so long to confront her?

MIKE: A friend advised me not to react the night I got the news. He told me to think it over and seek God’s guidance about how I should deal with the problem. It’s probably the best advice I got. I’m convinced that that is the best thing I could have done because I got myself ready to accept and face whatever I needed to deal with, realizing I loved her. But my mistake was in not recognizing sooner what was going on. When I would say, “I love you,” and I did not get a loving response back, that should have been my clue. I should have asked her if she loved me.

DOBSON: If she wouldn’t admit her involvement when she was knee-deep in an affair, would she have confessed no matter what you said or did?

MIKE: At one point she might have. I remember I told her I loved her, and she looked at me and said, “Mike, you have a very confused wife.” I dropped the subject. I felt like she didn’t want to talk about it, but I should have pursued it with her.

JEAN: It is hard to know what would be helpful.

MIKE: That’s it. You question everything.

Note the next comment. It is significant to our discussion.

SUE: Another mistake I made was in not knowing how to confront. I now think I understand what might have been a better approach. My sister went through a similar experience. Neither she nor her husband was a Christian. She had been very soft-spoken and passive, but she became stronger overnight. She asked her husband to move out and get an apartment, which he did. Within a year he decided his family was most important and he came home. I looked at that and wished I could have found a biblical basis to do something similar.

DOBSON: Sue, I have seen that happen more times than I can count, where loving toughness and confrontation brought responsibility in marriage in the same way that they do between a parent and a child or in any other relationship in life. There is a place in marriage for one partner to say to the other, “Rick, I love you. We married one another of our own free will; no one forced us to become husband and wife. We dedicated ourselves to one another exclusively, and it must continue to be that way. If you can’t be faithful to me for life, then I’d rather separate right now. I cannot be one of many lovers. It must be all or nothing. If you choose to leave me I will be severely hurt, because my love for you is very deep. Let me say it one more time so you will understand exactly how I feel. I want you as my husband more than anything in the world, and if you can pledge yourself to me for the rest of our lives together, I’ll do my best to forgive and forget. But if not, then there’s no better time than right now for you to leave with one of your girlfriends.” Do you understand the wisdom of a firm stance like that? Does it make sense to you?

JEAN: Oh, yes, I understand it now. At one point toward the latter years of our marriage, Maury got involved with yet another woman that he didn’t tell me about. She called our home and I found out they were meeting. I was a stronger person at that time than I was when I was younger, and I said to Maury, “All right, I will give you a divorce, and you can pursue the relationship.” He said, “No, I don’t want you to divorce me; I just want some freedom to see where this relationship is going.” I said, “No, that won’t work. If you go with this woman, I will divorce you.” He said, “I don’t want that,” and he cut off the relationship.

DOBSON: That is precisely my point. If when you were younger, you had been able to apply that kind of toughness after the first act of unfaithfulness, instead of years later when the damage had been done, you might have saved your marriage.

MIKE: Later on I realized that I should have been tougher. But I struggled with guilt for a long time. My father-in-law is a minister and I love him very dearly, but he contributed to my self-condemnation. He wanted so badly to see the marriage continue because of his own pain. He wrote to me listing all the Scriptures that said divorce was wrong. I agreed, but I had no choice in the matter! I eventually saw that it wasn’t my fault.

SUE: Oh, I felt so guilty, too. I felt that maybe it was all my fault, and if I had been a better wife, he wouldn’t have looked somewhere else. If I had been more understanding, if I had been more perceptive—all of these things. So I forgave him time after time. I have to say I still feel married; I feel like a married single. I don’t know whether time will dispel that or not.

DOBSON: Did all of you deal with bitterness?

MARY ANN: Oh, definitely.

SUE: I was bitter initially, but I forgave immediately. Then James got involved again. So I thought, okay, if I am like Christ and absolutely sacrificial in my love, perhaps that will be attractive to him. But it wasn’t. I mean I can say I was absolutely sacrificial for six years!

DOBSON: Let me ask an important question. It has been my observation in dealing with people who have been through what you have experienced that the unfaithful partner typically tries to expunge his guilt by refusing the blame. He tells his spouse that their marriage should never have occurred . . . that he didn’t love her even in the beginning . . . that the divorce is really an act of kindness . . . that it wouldn’t have happened if his spouse hadn’t caused the problems . . . that their breakup is actually in the best interest of the kids . . . and that God Himself has approved of the divorce. Did your partners give you these phony messages?

SUE: Oh, all of them, especially the one about God’s approval. My ex-husband’s present wife, the one with whom he had an affair, is also a Christian college teacher. I felt the Lord wanted me to go to her and ask her forgiveness for my bad attitude. She had been my friend for twenty years, and it was extremely difficult to approach her, but I did and I told her I had forgiven her for what had happened. She then told me that she and my ex-husband had prayed about their marriage and received assurance from God that it was right.

DOBSON: That is the ultimate rationalization. It makes blatant sin sound sanctified, but only for a time. A day of accountability is coming.

SUE: Yes, I suggested to my friend that she look a little closer at what the Scripture says about keeping the marriage bed undefiled, and other passages. She said, “Oh, no, I don’t believe in reading the Bible too closely because it is subject to so many interpretations.”

JEAN: The real crusher is when your unfaithful husband says, “But I really love you, I really do. This affair is something that has happened outside of our relationship. It is irrelevant. We still love one another and shouldn’t let this problem affect us.” You feel at times like you are almost going insane because these contradictory messages are given back-to-back.

SUE: That is what caused me to have a serious breakdown.

DOBSON: You said you were suicidal, Sue. Were you, Mary Ann?

MARY ANN: Yes, I was.

DOBSON: Did anybody else think of suicide?

MIKE: Yes.

SUE: I had been a Christian since I was a preschooler, but I still was suicidal when all of this happened. My husband said, “You think God is so great; why isn’t He helping you?” I had sense enough to say that I knew He would if I could let Him, but I was hurting so badly I couldn’t stop shouting. I later read a book by C. S. Lewis called A Grief Observed, and he experienced the same inability to accept God’s grace when he went through the death of his wife. That really ministered to me. A number of books have helped me.

JEAN: Can I tell you something wonderful that happened to me? During my period of suicidal tendencies, my older daughter died from a terminal illness. She left a supply of her medication, and I looked at those pills and knew there were enough to take my life. I was at the end of my rope, and I was counting the pills when the phone rang. It was a friend who offered to come over. I didn’t want to see him and said I wouldn’t let him in. He asked what he could do for me, and I said, “Nothing, there is no reason to go any further.” He talked to me and prayed with me, but you know, I was so distressed that I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t even hear the Scripture he read. After I hung up the phone, he began calling different people, some who knew me and some who didn’t.

Those people called me all night long. They either prayed with me or just talked with me every hour. That’s how I got through the night. . . .

MIKE: That is wonderful!

JEAN: It was at the same time the worst and best night of my life.

DOBSON: In listening to the four of you share your individual pain, I am impressed again by the willingness of loving people to blame themselves for things they couldn’t help. Each of you did the best you could to cope with irresponsibility and unfaithfulness in your spouses. Even though you made mistakes and were imperfect marriage partners, you were the ones who did everything you could to hold things together. Nevertheless, you blamed yourselves, felt incredible guilt, suffered low self-esteem, and even wanted to die for your failures. Doesn’t that seem a bit unfair to yourselves?

SUE: Yes, but that’s the way I felt. I had to work through it.

JEAN: Yes!

MIKE: I definitely felt like that. Another thing that makes you feel so terrible is that you are alone, but your unfaithful spouse is in the arms of another lover. You walk into the church you have attended for years with her, and you sit in the pew where the two of you used to worship. The building begins to close in on you, even though you are surrounded by people. You feel a kind of panic sweeping over you.

DOBSON: Mike, did you deal with bitterness?

MIKE: Oh, yes! I didn’t realize just how bitter I was. That’s why I couldn’t talk to my boys about what was going on. They had never heard their mom or me fight, and they didn’t know until the night before she left that she was leaving. Now I know why I couldn’t sit down and explain everything to them. I would have conveyed my bitterness to them. Then after my wife had been gone for about four months, I knew it was time to tell the boys the whole story. I was afraid someone at church would tell them if I didn’t. It needed to come from me.

DOBSON: How did they take it?

MIKE: Well, it was more difficult for the younger one. He had always turned to his mother. In fact, he had really been her favorite.

DOBSON: Did it make him bitter?

MIKE: Very bitter. It was extremely difficult to deal with. He did not know how to handle it. He went through one very, very bad year in school. But he has come to me since then and said, “I am sorry that the divorce took place, but at least it helped me get to know you.” And I am glad for that.

DOBSON: Did he cry himself to sleep in the early days?

MIKE: Yes.

DOBSON: Did he bite his nails? Did he wake up in the middle of the night? Did he have an upset stomach? Did he have headaches? What were the other symptoms?

MIKE: There were headaches; there were days when he didn’t feel like going to school; there were attendance problems. There were other stresses we all had to deal with. Finally, we talked one night and I said, “Guys, I think right now we need to recognize that we are all going through some terrible times, and so when we are down, let’s just be honest and say, ‘Hey, today I am in the pits. Don’t bug me; just leave me alone. I really need your support today.’” The three of us learned to do this. It was amazing how, when we began to pull together, God helped us love one another and survive the crisis.

SUE: It has been eight years for my children, and my boy was a special problem. He ran away from home and got into the gay scene. It was terrible for a time. But now he’s married and has two little kids. But all our children went through some depression. One of our girls had epileptic seizures until we found out it was caused by depression, and then she was able to control it. All of them are still suffering from some of these things.

DOBSON: Mary Ann, you didn’t have children when all this took place, did you?

MARY ANN: No. I was married at twenty-four, but I chose not to be a mother. I never wanted to have children. I love kids, but some of my background from my own family had frightened me. Now I have two little girls with my second husband, and I love them to pieces.

DOBSON: Jean, how did your five children make it?

JEAN: My oldest daughter died just before we separated.

DOBSON: So you went through the divorce and the death at almost the same time. How did you handle that?

JEAN: I think I handled the death fine. That may sound strange, but it is a wonderful memory. My daughter had cancer of the brain, but she went into remission during the summer months—as though God gave us an unexpected gift. My husband and I were very close during that time. We supported each other well against death; we just couldn’t face life . . . .

DOBSON: What happened after your daughter’s death?

JEAN: He filed for divorce. Once she was gone, there was very little to hold us together.

DOBSON: What was the effect of the divorce on the rest of your kids?

JEAN: There have been lasting effects. I have a son, a fine young man who was engaged to be married to a lovely girl this past year. But three days before the wedding, they canceled their plans. They were both scared. They both came from divorced families. They love each other and are still very close; in fact, they are still engaged to be married. But they are afraid to take that step. And, of course, my other teenage son just could not handle the divorce at all. He is still having counseling and—

DOBSON: Is he bitter at his father?

JEAN: No, he is not bitter. All of my children were very protective of their father. Their father was a very fragile man, and they didn’t know about any of the uglier part of our marriage. They just knew that we didn’t get along and that we led rather separate lives toward the end. I think I made a big mistake, I have to say, in a moment of bitterness and certainly in poor judgment. I told the whole story about the affair to my oldest daughter who is twenty-eight. It only made her angry at me.

DOBSON: At you?

JEAN: At me. She did not want to hear that. She didn’t want her boat rocked, you know, and it has taken us a long time to mend.

SUE: My son blamed me at first, but he sees now that it wasn’t my fault. The girls were very shocked, but they supported me.

MARY ANN: I was the child of a broken marriage where infidelity had occurred. My mother tried to get my support by putting my father down and telling me some truths that were too painful for me to receive. I immediately went to my father’s side.

JEAN: It is awful to place immature children in that vise!

SUE: That’s why I always sought ways to honor their father and tried to figure out ways to do that. I admit it was difficult at times.

MIKE: My younger son finally said, “You know, if Mom is going to get back into the proper relationship with God, it may only come through my brother or me.”

SUE: Yes, my girls have said the same thing.

DOBSON: Each of you has talked about feeling bitterness, guilt, low self-esteem, and other negative emotions. It is surprising, though, that very little has been said about anger. Mary Ann, did you harbor a great deal of hostility over your husband’s unfaithfulness?

MARY ANN: Well, as a Christian I didn’t feel that anger was right, so I wanted to suppress it as long as I possibly could until my husband finally asked me to leave. And I said, “God, could this really be Your will, having him ask me to leave again?” I mean, I’m a glutton for punishment, obviously, but I wanted to know for sure.

DOBSON: Now let’s get it straight. Your husband was having multiple affairs with his beach friends. He was unemployed, not even looking for a job. You were paying the bills and bailing him out of jail and getting calls from his girlfriends. Yet he asked you to get out!

MARY ANN: That’s right. When he asked me to leave the first time, I remember just running out of the house in tears. I had no place to go. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I was extremely angry at God. I’ll never forget shaking my fist at Him and saying, “God! You said in Your Word that You would work all things together for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose, and I love You! But this is not good in my life and I can’t stand it!”

DOBSON: And so your anger was directed not at your husband but at God?

MARY ANN: That’s right. I realize now when I look back that most of us have to deal with anger in some way. I did it in my closet, so to speak.

DOBSON: You didn’t tell anybody?

MARY ANN: No one. Not even my parents.

DOBSON: How do you think God received your anger at that time?

MARY ANN: Very lovingly. He wrapped His arms around me and let me cry and express my anger like a child.

DOBSON: I’m sure He did, Mary Ann. He saw you as a frightened little girl who’d been terribly hurt. You thought you had found a man to love you and go through life with, but suddenly you were thrown out into the night with no place to go and no one even to talk to. The loving God we serve must have felt immeasurable compassion and tenderness toward you at that moment.

MARY ANN: I know He did. The verse that He gave me was in Psalm 30:5. “Weeping comes in the evening but joy comes in the morning.” I would have never known the extent of God’s love if I had not gone through this trial.

DOBSON: As a matter of fact, you told me God wrote you a love letter at that time.

MARY ANN: Yes, He directed me to a second passage in Isaiah 54 that became His love letter to me. I was angry at God, not only because of the pain He permitted me to experience, but because I was embarrassed in front of my students. They knew I was a Christian, and yet I had to admit to them that I had gotten a divorce. I wanted to run—to escape to Australia or somewhere. Then the Lord assured me that it was His reputation at stake, and He would take care of it. He then gave me this beautiful passage of Scripture.

“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

     Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

     and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your husband—

     the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

     he is called the God of all the earth.

The LORD will call you back

     as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

     a wife who married young,

     only to be rejected,” says your God.

“For a brief moment I abandoned you,

     but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

In a surge of anger

I hid my face from you for a moment,

     but with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,”

     says the LORD your Redeemer.

ISAIAH 54:4–8

That Scripture was so relevant to my need that it could easily have begun with the words, “Dear Mary Ann.” I was that young and rejected wife who felt forsaken by God. But He gathered me and embraced me in His everlasting love.

DOBSON: That is beautiful, Mary Ann. Do you still believe all things work together for good to them that love God?

MARY ANN: Oh, yes!

DOBSON: Even for those whose spouses get into affairs?

MARY ANN: You know, I can say this honestly. If I had to do it over again I’d do it the same way, because I love who I am today. When I was rejected and left alone, I was able to love myself for the very first time because I knew I was loved by God.

SUE: I had a pastor say to me, “How can you stand all of this?” And I said, “Because I really like myself. I know what I am in God’s sight.” And that was the thing that sustained me!

JEAN: No one wants to suffer and have her foundations crumble, but God made me strong through these things. He held me and let me grow in strength, and you know, I’ve lost a child—had a lot of tragedy in our family. I’ve had a breakdown, I’ve had a divorce, I’ve had a suicidal child, but God has been there as my rock.

SUE: That’s exactly the way I feel. It’s been eight years and I still have to lean on the Lord. All I can say is, “I am content in my circumstances this day.” I had a friend who said, “But I don’t have the gift of celibacy.” I just laughed. To someone who’s been married twenty years, that was hilarious. Who does have the gift of celibacy? But God is giving me the grace to cope with single parenting and all the other stresses. You know, I wasn’t cut out for this role. I’m not a good president; I’m a good vice president, a helper. But my family is doing fine and I’m in one piece. I don’t understand the tragedy in my life, but I’m stronger than I would have been without it.

MIKE: I went through a divorce the same year I was demoted in my work. I had been a counselor in a junior high school for fifteen years. Then my job was eliminated at the end of that term, and I was sent back to the classroom. That was embarrassing. Suddenly, every prop that we call “success” was literally knocked out from under me, and my trust for the first time had to be totally on the Lord. I had trusted Him before, but now I was powerless to do anything else. Like the rest of you, I became a very strong person during this time of challenge. I continue to be amazed at how much God loves us and seeks us out wherever we are.

JEAN: You know, my children are proud of me, too. All of my married life I was a homemaker. I never felt I had a choice to have a career. I was a wife and a mother and that was my role in life. When the divorce occurred, I had never worked a day outside the home. I didn’t have any skills or any great talent. I didn’t have a college education! But I took hold and God kept saying, “You can do it! You can do it!” It looked impossible. I didn’t know how to get a job or how to support myself. I didn’t even know how to balance the checkbook. But God was there, and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. He let me be a bigger person than I used to be.

DOBSON: I’m sure the four of you realize you are talking to many people by means of radio today who are going through the agony you experienced in the past. Someone is listening who has recently discovered that a beloved husband or wife is involved in an affair. That person feels like life is over, but what you’re saying is, “You can make it, and even though it feels like God is unconcerned, He really does care!”

JEAN: That’s why I accepted your invitation to be here today. I wanted to help someone who is suffering the way I did.

DOBSON: You have all done that during these broadcasts, and I’ve learned to love each of you through our conversations. On behalf of our listeners, I thank you for opening these old wounds and letting us feel your pain. Your faith and courage have been an inspiration to us all.

Chapter Eleven

Discussion of the Dialogue

I’m sure the reader was impressed, as was I, by the ability of Mary Ann, Sue, Jean, and Mike to articulate their experiences and feelings. I respect each of them highly and have profited from their insights and observations. Nevertheless, it is surprising to me that these four intelligent people still have very little comprehension of the forces that destroyed their marriages (although I have seen the same “blindness” in many others who have faced similar circumstances).

A key ingredient in the erosion of their homes was a kind of marital permissiveness which proved to be fatal. Upon learning that their spouses were involved in affairs, their instinctive reaction was to understand, to explain, to forgive, or to ignore the adultery occurring under their noses. These good people were motivated by committed love in its purest form, and I admire them for their compassion under the most awful pressure. Nevertheless, they each found “excuses” for the unfaithfulness of their partners, which permitted the disloyal behavior to continue unchecked.

Mary Ann felt she was too righteous, saying, “I was so spiritually dogmatic that my husband had to be the way he was.” Sue blamed James’s infidelity on her own sexual unresponsiveness. (May I ask, who wouldn’t be cooled off by his “cruel and rough” treatment?) Jean attributed one of Maury’s affairs to her illness. Mike thought his wife’s car wreck was the key factor. Then they agreed that business reverses, low self-esteem, and communicative problems were instrumental. Perhaps they are right—perhaps there were mitigating circumstances in each case. But no one labeled the behavior for what it was: selfishness and sin!

Therein lies a fundamental problem. These loving, gracious people inadvertently shielded their wayward spouses from the consequences of infidelity. If there is anything that an adulterer does not need, it is a guilt-ridden mate who understands his indiscretion and assumes the blame for it. Such a person needs to be called to accountability, not excused by rationalization! That’s why being married to a tolerant, compassionate husband or wife who instantly forgives and forgets can give a philanderer a one-way ticket to hell! And I mean that literally.

I want to be careful not to imply condemnation and criticism of the four members of our discussion group. They are admirable people who are made out of better stuff than I am. I sat in awe as I observed the tenacity with which they faced their problems. I ached for each of them as they groped to explain what had gone wrong, and how the blame somehow always managed to bounce back in their faces. But I disagreed with many of their conclusions, and in fact, believe their early tolerance played a role in the divorces that subsequently occurred.

Not only did these four victims (they dislike that name, but I don’t know how else to label them) fail to confront their spouses with loving toughness, but they also shielded them from emotional pain. That is unfortunate. Just as a rebellious preschooler can profit from a well-timed spanking, the psychological consequences of sinful behavior should be experienced by the guilty. There’s nothing quite like a dose of reality to awaken a dreamer from his fantasies. Nevertheless, the four philanderers were protected from those important consequences.

Remember that each of the victims diligently concealed the truth to preserve his or her partner’s reputation. Though each case must be considered individually, especially where children are concerned, the degree of secrecy maintained in those instances seems unwarranted to me. It was almost masochistic of Sue and Mary Ann to tell no one, not a living soul, about the agony they were suffering in silence. Mike and Jean guarded their secrets as well. All four of them were taken to the brink of suicide.

Because of this concealment, other natural consequences of infidelity were avoided. The adulterer was under no gentle pressure from fellow Christians who would have reinforced responsible behavior; none of the offenders had to justify his conduct to his older children; none was asked to move into new and inconvenient living quarters; none, apparently, was denied sexual privileges from the rejected spouse (Sue even became warmer at the time of disclosure and immediately asked for forgiveness); none had to pay a marriage counselor; none had to support a lawyer (or two of them); none faced the financial pressures of maintaining two residences; and, alas, none had to look himself in the mirror each morning and ask, “Why does everyone seem to think it’s my fault?”

Under the circumstances, we should not be surprised that the affairs involving the three husbands continued through the years. (Mike’s wife was in a different situation, but she still needed discovery and confrontation.) It should have been expected. The lure of infidelity is an addiction to an individual who has a chink in his moral armor. While some people are chemically dependent on alcohol or heroin or cocaine, this kind of infidel is hooked on illicit sex. Psychologically, he needs the thrill of the chase, the clandestine meetings, the forbidden fruit, the flattery, the sexual conquest, the proof of manhood or womanhood, and in some cases, the discovery. And like the drug abuser, he is constantly attempting to reform. He promises with sincerity never again to yield to his habit. But unless his entire social milieu acts to support that commitment, he is likely to forget it. In the case of the husbands of our three female guests, they were cradled in a forgiving and protective environment that encouraged and supported their folly. What they needed were wives who were committed to the concept that love must be tough.

There are other lessons to be learned from the experiences of the dialogue participants. Let’s return to a question-and-answer format which will permit us to tease out those kernels of understanding.

Q. How can you say that the four victims of affairs failed to confront their unfaithful partners, when it is obvious from the dialogue that they had some incredible battles? Mary Ann described those conflicts as “horrible.” Jean said she handled them “terribly,” making many demands that Maury stop his infidelity. Isn’t that what you mean by confronting the problem?

A. Unfortunately, it is not. Simply becoming angry and throwing temper tantrums is no more effective with a spouse than it is with a rebellious teenager. Screaming and accusing and berating are rarely successful in changing the behavior of human beings of any age. What is required is a course of action—an ultimatum that demands a specific response and results in a consequence. That is what didn’t occur in the four homes we’ve heard described. None of the victims recognized the difference between expressions of anger and loving toughness. It is a common misunderstanding.

Q. I’m interested in Sue’s comment that by tolerating her husband’s infidelity, she permitted her children to have their father for six more years. At face value, that would imply that a victim of an affair should hold it all inside for the sake of the kids. This is different from your advice, of course. But what would you say to Sue? She did give her children their father for six more valuable years.

A. Again, I want to be gentle to Sue whom I admire greatly. Nevertheless, I feel her perspective was shortsighted. In the process of giving her children their father for a while longer, she also gave them a severely depressed, suicidal mother, and eventually, a family breakup. Her children continue to suffer today, as she indicated. Perhaps—perhaps if she had been tougher when the first affair occurred, she might have given the children their father for a lifetime. We’ll never know, of course, but it could have happened.

Q. Sue also said she would have separated from her unfaithful husband if she could have found a biblical basis to do so. Since you have recommended separation in response to some instances of infidelity, I wonder what scriptural support you have for that position.

A. At the end of this chapter I have provided a theological understanding of divorce and remarriage, as quoted from the writings of Dr. Chuck Swindoll. He refers to a passage in Matthew wherein Jesus made an exception to the permanence of the marital bond in instances of infidelity: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery” (19:9, RSV). I will leave it to Dr. Swindoll to explain that understanding. For our purposes here, let’s accept it as stated, that is, divorce is permissible (but not mandatory) in instances of continued, unrepented, flagrant infidelity. If that is true, then a separation that is intended not to kill the marriage but to rescue it must also be lawful. If a person has biblical grounds for divorce, he certainly would not be judged guilty for attempting to salvage the relationship through a painful process of separation. In this context, I believe that living apart for a period of time can clear the air for some families and permit the healing process to begin, especially where one partner is desperately in need of accountability. On the other hand, separation can destroy a marriage if done for the wrong reasons and in the wrong spirit.

Q. What about separation for reasons other than infidelity?

A. Again, I find no biblical prohibition against couples living apart for a time, if their purpose is not to seek divorce and remarriage. As implied above, husbands and wives often trample on one another’s nerves and desperately need some time alone to reorient their outlook. From my point of view, the rightness or wrongness of their separation depends entirely on intent, which only God can judge. For example, a wife whose alcoholic husband needs to experience life without the support of his family may find temporary separation to be the only method of forcing him to seek professional help. This crisis of loneliness may be the last hope to jar the man to his senses, and his wife could be doing a loving thing by making him more miserable! If this is the desire that motivates the more responsible partner to separate, then I find no scriptural condemnation of it. But please be warned! This understanding can also provide an open door to rationalization for those who are unhappy in marriage and are seeking an easy way out. I am certainly not sanctioning that maneuver.

Q. Since almost every couple fights from time to time, what distinguishes a healthy marriage in conflict from one that is in serious trouble? I’m asking how a husband and wife can know when their interpersonal struggles are within normal limits and when they are symptoms of more ominous problems.

A. It is true that conflict occurs in virtually all marriages. That is how resentment and frustration are ventilated. The difference between stable families and those in serious trouble reflects what the battles accomplish. In healthy relationships, a period of confrontation ends in forgiveness—in drawing together—in deeper respect and understanding—and sometimes in sexual satisfaction. But in unstable marriages a period of conflict produces greater pain and anger that persists until the next fight. When that occurs, one unresolved issue is compounded by another and another. That accumulation of resentment is an ominous circumstance in any marriage. Isn’t this why the apostle Paul admonished us not to let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:26)?

Q. Is it harder for a man or for a woman to recover from an affair by a spouse?

A. I have not observed any appreciable difference between the sexes at the time of disclosure. Both husbands and wives suffer incalculable anguish when a mate is unfaithful. Men do seem to have a cultural advantage after the crisis is over, however. Their work is a better diversion and their economic consequences are less severe. They also find it easier to find someone new, as a rule. But no one wins in illicit affairs of the heart.

Q. You referred above to a kind of “blindness” that occurs when a victim of an affair denies the truth. Mary Ann said she didn’t notice her husband’s infidelity because she didn’t want to see it. I think I did the same thing when my husband was fooling around with my best friend. The affair went on for two years before I could acknowledge it to myself. But why would I deny the truth? Why do victims “choose” to be blind?

A. The psychological process is called denial, and it is designed to protect the mind from an unacceptable thought or reality. You see, once a person admits to himself that his beloved spouse has been unfaithful, then he is obligated to deal with that circumstance. The extremely painful experiences of grief, anxiety, and insomnia become inevitable once the truth has been faced. Furthermore, the injured person fears that a confrontation with the unfaithful partner might drive him into the arms of the new lover. Given these concerns, the unconscious mind apparently chooses not to notice the affair in the hope that it will blow over and be forgotten. Obviously, there is ample motivation for a vulnerable person to deny what his eyes tell him.

When the evidence of unfaithfulness becomes overwhelming, a man or woman will sometimes “ask” the guilty spouse to assist with the denial. This is done by making accusations in the hope of being proven wrong. For example, a wife will say, “Are you and Donna seeing one another?”

“No, I’ve told you a thousand times that nothing is going on,” he lies.

“But where were you until 2:00 A.M. last night?”

“I had car trouble. Now will you get off my back?”

This wife knows her husband’s story is phony, but she continually asks him to lie to her. And interestingly, she does not feel obligated to “blow the whistle” on him until he admits his involvement . . . which may never happen. These tacit agreements help her maintain the illusion that “all is well.”

Denial has many applications and uses in human experience. It will permit a woman to ignore a suspicious lump in her breast, or the drugs in her son’s bedroom, or the debt that the family is accumulating. Through this process the mind is protected for a time, but it often permits even greater disasters to gain a foothold in our lives.

Q. How should a person respond to someone who is in denial? I have a very good friend whose wife is cheating on him, but he chooses not to see it. Should I make him face reality?

A. I am uncomfortable in giving a blanket answer to that question, in view of all the thousands of specific situations to which it could be applied. There are times when denial is the only link to sanity or stability, and that must be preserved. On other occasions, it can be a loving thing to break the bubble of illusion. Either way, it is risky to awaken a dreamer, as Jean discovered when she tried to inform her daughter of her father’s misbehavior. The girl couldn’t accept what she was hearing. If the need for denial is intense, the individual will often lash out at the one who threatens its validity.

Q. What surprises me most about the dialogue we’ve heard is that all four of the unfaithful spouses called themselves Christians. In fact, Jean’s husband was a career churchman and a teacher in a Christian college, and Sue’s husband was chairman of a “moral action committee.” These were seasoned believers—not merely babes in Christ. How could they cheat on their spouses? What goes on in the mind of someone who violates his own standard of morality in so blatant a manner?

A. Like you, I’m amazed at the audacity of those who pursue affairs while calling themselves Christians. You talk about moral gymnastics! Such people can cite the Seventh Commandment by heart (“Thou shalt not commit adultery”), and they fully understand God’s promise to punish sinful behavior, yet somehow they expect to break His laws with impunity! Not only is their behavior forbidden by God, but it’s also in violation of every moral code in the civilized world. If that isn’t heavy enough, an unfaithful spouse has to deal with the responsibility for crushing his or her wife or husband, and for warping the children of their union—those innocent and unsuspecting kids who are about to be shredded by one parent’s selfishness and shame. All told, it’s enough to cool off some of the most passionate playboys and playgirls. In fact, millions have come right to the door of an affair, and having seen what lies just over the threshold, have retreated to the arms of a relieved spouse.

Q. It would appear to me that more Christians are involved in divorces now than ever before, and that disturbs me. Some are saying that the Bible has been misunderstood on this subject and that there is justification for the dissolution of marriage within Scripture. Do you agree with these reinterpretations?

A. Like you, I am aware of a loosening attitude toward divorce and remarriage within Christian circles and by religious leaders. There has always been pressure on those in positions of authority to “modernize” the Bible and make it seem to endorse the behaviors that make us feel guilty. But any attempt to tamper with eternal truths makes me very uneasy. For example, a recent publication by an evangelical theologian completely reversed the meaning of Jesus’ teachings by providing readers with a complicated mumbo jumbo about context and background. Lo and behold, it turns out that Jesus didn’t mean it when He said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). This statement would have been much easier to explain away if Jesus hadn’t been so explicit in His response!

Returning to your question, I do not want to sound uncharitable or dogmatic in response to the views of fellow Christians. But I admit I am concerned by what appears to be an effort to squeeze the Bible into a twenty-first-century mold. It just won’t fit!

Q. What, then, is your theological position on the subject of divorce? Is remarriage ever permissible for Christians?

A. Although it is evident that I have very strong personal convictions on that subject, I recognize my inadequacies to answer your question as a biblical authority. I am not a theologian and I prefer to quote a writer who is. Therefore, I have chosen to respond to your question by quoting what my good friend Dr. Chuck Swindoll had to say in his book Strike the Original Match. I agree with the explanation he has offered therein. For purposes of brevity, I have omitted sections of his discussion and urge the reader to consult Dr. Swindoll’s book for further extrapolation and biblical support.

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE: A CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT

I’m convinced that there is no way any group of Christians picked at random would ever come to unanimity on the subject [of divorce and remarriage]. I’ll go further. I don’t believe a busload of American evangelical theologians would be in unanimous agreement on divorce and remarriage even if they toured the United States an entire summer! It’s a controversial issue, for sure. Therefore, no matter what I may conclude, I am confident some very reliable, competent, and equally sincere people will disagree. So save your cards and letters!

The question everyone wants answered is this: When is divorce permissible? Because of limited time and space, I will spare you a lot of verbiage and supportive quotations. Suffice it to say, I will answer the question with remarriage in mind. In other words, my answers assume that we are really asking, “Are there any biblical grounds for remarriage?”

I believe there are. I have searched the Scriptures, read everything I can get my hands on, and discussed this issue with my wife, my friends, fellow staff, church board members, pastors, many theological professors, and other serious students of the Bible. I have talked with numerous divorced people, single persons, married couples, publishers, authors on the subject, and authorities in the field—both Christian and non-Christian. Here are my conclusions, simplified for the sake of clarity.

I believe the Christian has biblical grounds for remarriage when the divorce transpired under one of the three situations described as follows:

1. When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation.

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 we read these words: “Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”

I take this literally. I even take it to the extreme! I think “new” means “new” . . . so when God promises the believing sinner that he is “a new creature,” then I take that to mean exactly that. A brand-new, fresh creation. Unlike before. When God promises the passing away of “old things,” it surely includes divorce prior to salvation. After all, being alienated from God and at enmity with Him, how could any unbeliever possibly know His will regarding the choice of a lifetime mate? Having thought through this very carefully, I believe it falls within the context of God’s superabundant grace to wipe our slate clean when we turn, by faith, to Christ the Lord.

When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation, I believe God grants His “new creation” the freedom to remarry.

2. When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner.

Much has been written on this particular issue, I realize. I repeat, I have read everything I can get my hands on, so I do not write these words hurriedly or superficially. I am fully aware of the difficulties connected with determining who is really the guilty party when it comes to sexual promiscuity. I also acknowledge the subjectivity involved in identifying “sexual immorality.” Such matters must be carefully determined, usually with the help of a qualified counselor who can provide objectivity and wisdom in matters this serious. Each case must be considered independently.

Nevertheless, we cannot ignore or deny what Christ said in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

All sorts of interpretations have been suggested to explain what our Lord was saying. Frankly, having examined every one of the suggestions and theories (some of them are incredibly forced and complicated), I return to the verse and accept it at face value.

Throughout my Christian life I have operated under a very simple—yet reliable—principle of interpretation: If the normal sense makes good sense, seek no other sense. Let’s do that here.

When a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct with another person and is unwilling to remain faithful to the innocent partner, the option is there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry.

Before moving on to the third reason, let me ask you to reread that last sentence. I want to amplify it for a few moments. Two thoughts need to be emphasized. First, this is not simply a case of quickie sex on the sly—a one-time-only experience. This is porneia. I take this to mean an immorality that suggests a sustained unwillingness to remain faithful. I hesitate to use the term lest I be misinterpreted—but I think of the idea of an immoral lifestyle, an obvious determination to practice a promiscuous relationship outside the bonds of marriage.

Second, the faithful mate has the option to leave . . . but such is not mandatory. I have seen numerous marriages rebuilt rather than ended because the faithful partner had no inner peace pursuing a divorce. How much better to look for ways to make the marriage work rather than anxiously anticipate evidence that is needed to break off the relationship. But there are occasions when every attempt has been made to keep the marriage together . . . but sustained sexual infidelity won’t allow it. It is in such cases our Lord grants freedom from that miserable and unbearable bond.

3. When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner.

You probably don’t need to be told that all sorts of suggestions have been made by sincere and qualified students of Scripture to explain what constitutes desertion . . . and to spell out what “not under bondage” really means. Because I promised to spare you numerous quotations and tedious pages of verbiage, I’ll not attempt to represent all the opinions that range from unbelievably conservative to downright crazy (in my opinion!). But perhaps a word of caution is needed.

When we read of the departure of the unbelieving partner, obviously Paul is not referring to a temporary, quick decision to chuck it all and bail out . . . only to return in a little while. No, leaving means leaving. Permanence is definitely in mind. It implies a determined and willful decision that results in leaving the relationship with no desire to return, no interest in cultivating that home, no plan to bear the responsibilities, and no commitment to the vows once taken. That’s “leaving.” And the one being left has little doubt in such cases. The marriage is over. Finished. Ended.

A SUMMARY AND A WARNING

I agree with John R. W. Stott: [Divorce was] a divine concession to human weaknesses.12 No Christian should aggressively seek the dissolution of his or her marriage bond. Some of the very best things God has to teach His children are learned while working through marital difficulties.

Endless stories could be told of how God honored the perseverance of abused and ignored partners as they refused to give up.

But in certain extreme cases, against the wishes and efforts of the committed mate, the marriage bond is destroyed beyond any human ability to restore it. Scripture teaches that God’s “divine concession to human weakness” is occasionally justified, allowing the Christian divorced person the right and freedom to remarry in the Lord.

Before closing the chapter, a warning must be sounded. Being human and sinful and weak, we are all equipped with a remarkable ability to rationalize. Unless we consciously guard against it, when we experience marital difficulties, we’ll begin to search for a way out instead of a way through. Given sufficient time in the crucible, divorce will seem our only option, our long-awaited and much-deserved utopia. And we will begin to push in that direction, at times ignoring the inner voice of God’s Spirit and at other times violating the written principles of God’s Word. Either is a grievous act.

I warn all of us against such thought and actions. To carry out that carnal procedure is to short-circuit the better plan God has arranged for His people and, worse than that, is to twist the glorious grace of God into a guilt-relieving excuse for giving us what we have devised instead of accepting what He has designed.

Where God permits divorce and remarriage, humbly let us accept it without fear or guilt. Let us not call “unclean” what He now calls clean. But neither let us put words in His mouth and make Him say what He, in fact, has not said. No matter how miserable we may be.

There is something much worse than living with a mate in disharmony. It’s living with God in disobedience.13

Chapter Twelve

Anatomy of Adultery

Because the previous chapters, and perhaps the entire book, have left the impression that infidelity is typically committed by self-centered males who betray their devoted wives, I feel I should present the other side of that coin. At least one secular poll reportedly found that among those under twenty-nine years of age, “significantly more married women are having affairs than married men.” The same study also indicated that teenage girls lose their virginity earlier than boys, on the average. I have no way of assessing the accuracy of those conclusions, but I do know that sexual experimentation among women is becoming increasingly common today. It is apparent in the world around us.

Shirley and I used to enjoy jogging in the park near our home during early morning hours. Every day we noticed two cars parked side by side in a remote section of the lot, with one car empty and two people sitting close together in the other. The windows were always very steamy. It didn’t take a detective to figure out what was going on. We surmised that these secret lovers had made their spouses think they were at work instead of kissing and cuddling in the park. Somewhere near my home are two unidentified families, and perhaps two sets of children, that unknowingly await the tragic moment of disclosure.

It has been my observation that when wives engage in extramarital sexual activity, a unique pattern of circumstances often precedes it. Women are much less likely to be involved in the multiple, casual relationships that characterized the men described in chapter 10. Instead, unfaithful women often take the pathway pursued by Mike’s wife. A vulnerable lady may find herself involved in an entanglement which she neither sought nor expected. It just seemed to “happen” when she and another needy person were thrown together at the right (or wrong) time. Yet the consequences of unexpected disloyalty are just as deadly as infidelity in the first degree.

To brace my female readers against this deceptive sin, and to help their husbands avoid the precipitating circumstances, let me describe what I have called an “anatomy of adultery.” It reflects the most common pathway to female indiscretion (though not the only one), and it can be divided into eleven distinct stages or steps. I wrote it after counseling yet another family in the throes of divorce.

ANATOMY OF ADULTERY

Stage One

Wife’s Perspective: The wife is in a state of emotional need. She is lonely, suffers from low self-esteem, and has had difficulty making female friends. She reaches for the romantic involvement of her husband but he fails to notice. She resorts to nagging and complaining, which puts a greater wedge between them.

Husband’s Perspective: The husband has made business commitments that he must meet. He’s in a highly competitive and satisfying position, and his emotional energies are drained by the time he comes home. He loves his wife but doesn’t have much time to “carry her,” psychologically.

Stage Two

Wife’s Perspective: She experiences greater frustration and depression, which gradually give way to anger. She begins to “bludgeon” her bewildered husband for his failures in the home.

Husband’s Perspective: He makes some feeble attempts to relate to his wife, especially after emotional explosions have occurred between them. But this leopard finds it difficult to change his spots. He is still overcommitted at work, whether he likes it or not, and he constantly falls back into familiar patterns.

Stage Three

Wife’s Perspective: This needy woman is now in a dangerous position. She is vulnerable to any attractive, available man who comes into her life. Inevitably, it seems, such an encounter occurs. A casual introduction to a flirtatious man sets the wheels in motion, and he quickly becomes the object of her fantasies, hopes, and dreams. He appears to be so compassionate compared to her husband, so much more dignified, so much more in touch with her feelings, so much more worthy of respect. Nothing illicit has occurred at this point, but she’s spending a great deal of time thinking about an affair with this specific man. The Bible says, “As a man (or woman) thinketh in his heart, so is he!” Alas, this woman is becoming an adulteress in her mind.

Husband’s Perspective: The husband continues in ignorance of what his wife is experiencing. His mind is elsewhere. He wishes she would be happier because he does love her and the kids, but he has no idea how her unhappiness relates to him.

Stage Four

Wife’s Perspective: An extramarital relationship gradually begins to heat up. It’s no sudden romp in the grass. Rather, the affair grows slowly, an escalating friendship. She feels guilty, of course, but the excitement is incredible. Anyway, her husband doesn’t seem to care. Finally it happens; a sexual experience occurs.

Husband’s Perspective: The man of the house is still not aware of any unfaithfulness. He may notice some coolness and a lessened demand for his attention, but his suspicions are not aroused. Her hostility to him may increase during this time, but he has already become accustomed to that attitude in her.

Stage Five

Wife’s Perspective: More illicit sexual activity now transpires, with all the guilt, fear, and raw passions that accompany this way of life. Her spiritual life rapidly deteriorates as she lies and rationalizes and lives a double standard. It is a tough assignment to play-act the role of a faithful wife when she’s giving her all to someone else. Bible reading and church attendance become less frequent or even nonexistent. She loses all sexual interest in her husband.

Husband’s Perspective: The man may now begin to worry about the deteriorating relationship for the first time. He doesn’t yet have much evidence on which to base his suspicions, but he knows intuitively that something has changed. His reaction is still one of confusion at this stage.

Stage Six

Wife’s Perspective: For the wife, the affair continues hot and heavy. Every minute that can be spent with her new lover is grabbed.

Husband’s Perspective: Somehow discovery occurs, usually by “accident.” Perhaps a tiny lie is betrayed, or an anonymous phone call is received. His first reaction is one of utter shock! He can’t believe what has happened. He confronts his wife in one of the most emotional and unpleasant encounters in their lives. It will be remembered forever.

Stage Seven

Wife’s Perspective: Her feelings of guilt and embarrassment are concealed behind rationalizations and recriminations against her husband. She is going to admit nothing that she doesn’t have to disclose. Depending on the quality of her husband’s evidence, she may continue to lie and deny at this stage. On the other hand, some women will break emotionally, weeping profusely and begging for forgiveness. Either way, this stage is characterized by wildly fluctuating emotions from day to day.

Husband’s Perspective: For the first time, enormous pain is felt by the husband. Whereas he could hardly give his wife the time of day a few weeks before, his unfaithful partner suddenly becomes the only important thing in his life. This guy who would rather go to a football game with his male friends than be with his wife—the man who hid behind the newspaper every night after work—now finds himself pleading for her favors. He crawls. He cries. He bargains. I’ve known men in this fix who called me from a phone booth near a freeway where they had been driving eighty miles an hour, looking for a place to crash their cars. A pitiful sight!

Stage Eight

Wife’s Perspective: We come now to a critical juncture. When confronted by the spiritual implications of their behavior, some women decide not to sacrifice their families, but to reconcile with their husbands. Others are determined to have their own way and go with the new lover, who is infinitely more exciting and alluring. Such a woman may pity her mate and desire not to hurt him, but she finds him boring and disdainful.

Husband’s Perspective: The pain experienced by the husband is intensified. He had never known such stress in his entire life. Jealousy burns through his mind as he imagines what his wife and her lover have done together. At alternating times he feels rage, guilt, remorse, love, hate, despair, etc. He makes all the mistakes described in the early chapters of this book, including appeasement, entrapment, panic, threats of violence, and self-debasement. Now he is dealing with the low self-esteem which his wife experienced some years ago.

Note: Since the classic pattern can go in several directions at this point depending on the reaction of the woman, we will follow the one where her affair continues.

Stage Nine

Wife’s Perspective: It has been said, “A woman wants a man she can look up to, but one who won’t look down on her.” It is true. Women need to hold their husbands in a certain awe, or at least in modest respect, if their relationship is to be healthy. The apostle Paul instructed men to love their wives, but he told women to respect their husbands. Those are the conditions needed respectively shown by each sex. Nevertheless, this woman begins to experience a tug-of-war in her mind. The welfare of her children weighs heavily in her thoughts, and she knows they are hurting. She sees the flaws and faults of her new lover for the first time, and the romantic dream fades just a bit. Sex with him is still exciting, but it no longer thrills her as it did. All the ugly realities of divorce stare her in the face. Is that what she wants? Still, she remembers her prior state of loneliness and low self-esteem. “I can’t go back to that!” she says to herself. It is this motivation, more than any other, that may push her over the edge.

Husband’s Perspective: The agitation of stage 8 continues unabated, especially as the husband contemplates the details of what his wife and her lover are experiencing together. He doesn’t think he can stand it, and that sense of panic is evident in everything he does. His work suffers and his face reveals the strain he is under. Unfortunately, the behavior now being shown by the rejected lover serves to assassinate respect and put a severe strain on a relationship already stretched to the breaking point.

Stage Ten

Wife’s Perspective: The decision to divorce is made; lawyers are consulted; papers are filed; hearings are held; and property is divided. The children are caught between the parents and become the object of struggle and contest. A bloody custody battle is fought with numerous casualties on both sides. Harsh words are exchanged. Tears are shed. Then they are dried; life goes on: people learn to cope. But every now and then, just before the woman goes to sleep at night or perhaps in a moment of quietness, she asks herself, “What have I done?”

Husband’s Perspective: The human mind cannot tolerate agitated depression and grief indefinitely. The healthy personality will act to protect itself in time, throwing off the despair and groping for stability. One method by which this is accomplished is by turning pain into anger. Thus, the husband may harbor a deep but quiet hostility toward his wife—the one who shattered his home, took half his money, and hurt his kids. He no longer accepts the blame for what has happened, feeling instead that he was betrayed. He would not take his wife back now under any circumstances. He begins to brace himself for whatever may come.

Stage Eleven

Wife’s Perspective: As events unfold, she weds her new lover and life is exciting for a time. But eventually, it becomes more like her first marriage. The great thrill is gone, the relationship having been “too hot not to cool down.” Daily living is routine once more. The dating and laughter and the walks and talks give way to doing laundry and fixing meals and going to work. The marriage may be successful or it may not. The probabilities of another divorce are higher than for first marriages, perhaps because both partners have demonstrated a willingness to fool around with married lovers! If there is no divorce, the new husband and wife plod on through the years, moving inexorably toward the Great Day of Accountability when their lives will be laid bare before their Maker. These two people have convinced themselves they did the right thing—except . . . when they think of the children . . . they feel guilty.

Husband’s Perspective: The man gradually works his way through bitterness to a state of apathy. Life returns to normal except that his wife is gone. He will probably remarry, since divorced men are in much greater demand than divorced women in our society. He again loses himself in work and slams the door to the past. Except . . . when he thinks of the kids . . . he feels guilty.

But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

JAMES 1:14–15, KJV

I know I’ve painted a very dark picture on my canvas, but it represents reality as I perceive it. Adultery is not pleasant either to read or to write about, but I feel that someone must describe the sordid side of this sin. Night after night on television we see beautiful people jumping into bed with strangers and it all looks so exciting. Popular magazines tell us that sex, lots of sex with a variety of partners, is not only healthy but everyone is doing it. Ridiculous books like Open Marriage make extramarital affairs sound like a tonic guaranteed to revitalize tired relationships. Alas, at times it seems like the entire world of entertainment is organized for the sole purpose of propagating that one enormous lie, and no one is effectively refuting it.

What I am about to write will sound phony but, so help me, it is true. I have secluded myself with my family to write this book, and few others know I am in this city. Nevertheless, my telephone rang immediately after I completed the paragraph above. The caller was a distressed woman asking for consultation regarding her marital problems. She told me that her husband (who claims to be a Christian believer) ran off with a young girl and is now living with her in a nearby city. There it is again—another outbreak of the epidemic that sweeps the Western world. That’s why I’ve felt compelled to write this difficult book. Infidelity and marital conflict are cancers that gnaw on the soul of mankind, twisting and warping innocent family members who can only stand and watch.

But let the record show that the guilty suffer severely, too. God has not forbidden indiscriminate sexuality just to deprive us of fun. In His ultimate wisdom, He has attempted to protect us from the devastation of sin. Herpes and syphilis and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) and gonorrhea are not the only consequences of unbridled passion. The greater pain is experienced in the soul of mankind. Consider the following letter from Florence.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

We heard your radio program during which you discussed the consequences of adultery. This has happened in our family, and we would like to share our story with you.

My husband has been unfaithful to me through the years, even though I had never known or wanted any other man. Finally, his loose attitude toward the marriage began to affect my commitment, and I got entangled in an affair. It lasted for nine months before my husband found out about my involvement. He has been devastated ever since.

Bill is experiencing such guilt and anger toward himself now, because he feels that this would never have happened if he had not been unfaithful. He says he has lost something more precious than gold when he lost this part of me. His emotions do strange things. First, he is deeply angry at me for doing this to him; then he’s mad because I told him about it. His anger and hate then turn onto the other man—sometimes to the point of his wanting to do something destructive to him. At other times he goes through the mental torture of imagining what “took place” between me and the other man. This angry stage occurs about one-third of the time. Another third is spent weeping and hating himself, and a final third in loving me so much that nothing matters so long as we are together.

We’ve spent endless hours in prayer that God would take the anger and pain away, or help us cope with it. All we want now is to be happy and make up for what we’ve done to each other. We feel a greater love for one another than ever before, and we want to serve the Lord throughout our remaining years together. But Bill and I need for this torment to go away! Can you help us?

Florence

Bill has discovered one of the eternal principles on which the universe is founded: we are all governed by a moral code that cannot be violated without inevitable consequences. It has been true throughout human history. In fact, Bill’s remorse reminds me of the turmoil King David experienced from a similar sin more than three thousand years ago. As you will recall, David had fallen into an adulterous relationship with Bathsheba while her husband was away at war. God was very angry at the king for this sinful act and vowed that his punishment would involve rebellion and sexual indiscretion within his own family.

That curse was manifested in the life of David’s son, Absalom, who tried to overthrow the king. As a deliberate insult, the defiant young man had sexual intercourse publicly with his father’s wives. Civil war resulted and Absalom was executed after his hair was caught in the thistles of a tree.

When David learned of the death of his son, he knew that his own sin with Bathsheba had led to this tragic climax. His agony is described in one of the most pathetic scenes of the Bible: “And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33, KJV).

What a tragic moment, as David paced the floor in guilt and regret. Adultery always produces this kind of devastation—both for the innocent spouse and for the guilty, to say nothing of the young “Absaloms” in the family. It is an inevitable law of God! Solomon, another of David’s sons, said it best:

Can a man scoop fire into his lap

     without his clothes being burned?

Can a man walk on hot coals

     without his feet being scorched?

So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife;

     no one who touches her will go unpunished.

Men do not despise a thief if he steals

     to satisfy his hunger when he is starving.

Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold,

     though it costs him all the wealth of his house.

But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment;

     whoever does so destroys himself.

Blows and disgrace are his lot,

     and his shame will never be wiped away.

PROVERBS 6:27–33

Why have I bothered to repeat what every Christian must surely know—that sexual promiscuity is forbidden by God and is destructive to marriage? I suppose these words serve to express my own frustration at the permissiveness of the age, when we have become so blasé concerning evil in all its varieties. This disease of sin is more deadly, more virulent, than any illness known to mankind, yet the family is gripped by its fever. At a moment when the Christian church is desperately needed to call the nation to repentance, so much of its emphasis is placed on the supposed benefits of Christian “enlistment”—health, wealth, and business wisdom. “Something good is going to happen to you today,” we sing. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I sit in churches and listen to this positive rhetoric that tickles our ears, while all around me are people who have been in my office at one time or another. Every form of rebellion against God is represented behind their glassy eyes, while the disease that afflicts mankind goes undiagnosed and undetected. I thank God for ministers who still have the courage to call sin by its name and to urge their congregations toward repentance and obedience to the Lord of Hosts.

I am also thankful that no sin is beyond the forgiveness of God. Even the most selfish, evil sinner on the face of the earth can obtain total cleansing at the Cross. All that is required is for him to repent of his sins and believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is then baptized into the fellowship of believers. Henceforth, he is promised that his misdeeds will be separated as far as the east is from the west, and remembered against him no more throughout eternity. That is the greatest proposition ever offered in the long history of mankind.

Chapter Thirteen

Loving Toughness in Other Settings

Now that I’ve told you more than you ever wanted to know about adultery, it is time to apply the love must be tough philosophy to other difficult family problems. As indicated, this approach to interpersonal relationships is certainly not confined to illicit love affairs or even to the framework of marriage. It has its place wherever two or more people come into contact with one another. Let’s take a brief look, then, at some of the thorny situations that confront today’s families in the context of our theme, again referring to letters received in response to the Focus on the Family radio series.

1. THE WIFE OF A VIOLENT SPOUSE

Dear Dr. Dobson:

This is an extremely difficult letter to write, but I must have help. My husband and I have been married for twelve years, and throughout most of this time, he has had a secret problem. Only I know that he has a violent temper that is absolutely terrifying to me. He is a leader in our church and is a very prominent lawyer in our city. Everyone respects him highly. But when he is at home, he is a different person.

At least once or twice a month he explodes over something the kids or I have done to irritate him, and he becomes furious. He yells, throws things, threatens me, and makes an awful scene. If I say the wrong thing or if I say anything, he beats me with his fists.

Last week he loosened three of my teeth and cut the inside of my lip. I really thought he was going to kill me! This happened because I failed to do some errands he asked me to get done. What bothers me is that the beatings are becoming more frequent and more violent as time goes by.

After each fight is over, my husband refuses to take any blame for what happened. He steadfastly insists that I am at fault for deliberately provoking him. He interprets everything as a personal insult. The only way I can keep him calm is to do everything he asks and to hold inside every thought that might make him angry.

I don’t know what to do. I really do love my husband. He’s a fine man when he isn’t mad about something. He never shows this side of himself in public, even when he is frustrated. No one has any idea he is a wife abuser. I haven’t told anyone, and my husband would blow straight up if I asked him to go with me for counseling. No telling what he’d do if he knew I was consulting you!

So what can I do? I don’t believe in divorce. I am trying to be gentle and cautious at all times, but inevitably I step on his toes and he explodes again. I’m so tired of being beaten and then having to stay home for days to hide my bruises.

How do I deal with this situation?

Laura

The problem of wife abuse is reaching epidemic proportions in today’s families. The violence that is characteristic of the culture around us is being translated into husband-wife relationships and to parent-child interactions. Entire volumes have been addressed to this problem, and I am not likely to add to that understanding in the time and space allotted here. I can, however, offer Laura a condensed answer which would be the basis for our work if I were counseling her personally.

As I see it, Laura only has four alternatives in response to her circumstance. They are:

1. Remain silent at home, walk on cracked eggs, and be the eternal conciliator. She is taking this approach now, but it is not succeeding. No matter how passive she becomes, she will eventually trigger the anger of her uptight husband. Furthermore, she’ll pay a terrible price emotionally for living on a powder keg year in and year out. For the long term, this is not the answer.

2. Divorce her husband. As a Christian, I agree with Laura that divorce is not the solution to this problem. Our purpose should be to change her husband’s behavior, not kill the marriage.

3. Proceed with an “emotional divorce,” remaining married but keeping herself detached and independent from her husband. This form of “emotional isolation” will shield Laura from psychological pain, but it will make for a terrible relationship. I don’t favor it.

4. The love-must-be-tough response. This is risky and psychologically expensive, but it is my choice and my recommendation. In essence, Laura is being emotionally blackmailed by her husband. He is saying by his behavior, “Do what I wish or I’ll beat you.” She must break out of that tyranny while she’s still young enough to cope with the consequences. This might be accomplished by forcing the matter to a crisis. Change of behavior does not occur when waters are smooth, as we have seen; it sometimes happens after a storm. I would suggest that Laura choose the most absurd demand her husband makes, and then refuse to consent to it. Let him rage if he must rage. She should prearrange a place to go and ask friends or relatives to step in for assistance at that critical moment. Separate living quarters may be necessary until her husband settles down. He should be made to think that he has lost his wife over this issue, and in fact, I would recommend that she not return until there is reason to believe that he is willing to change. If that takes a year, so be it. When (and if) her husband acknowledges that he has a severe problem and promises to deal with it if she’ll come home, a period of negotiations should follow. One of the conditions for reconciliation is competent Christian counseling for the psychological problem that is now apparent to everyone but the husband. By all means, Laura will need the support of Christian friends and counselors, especially during the time of crisis. And it goes without saying that the entire matter must be bathed in prayer from the beginning. I can offer no guarantees that this advice will resolve Laura’s problem with her violent husband. But I believe it represents the best possibility for success. Let me ask those of you who disagree, what would you advise? Counselors suggesting that this frightened woman remain passive and submissive despite the abuse should have to look into Laura’s eyes and tell her that in person. I don’t believe anyone should be required to live in that kind of terror, and in fact, to do so is to tolerate a behavior which could eventually prove fatal to the marriage anyway.

Related Question

Q. Are you suggesting that any woman who is being beaten should take the same course of action? My husband has only hit me once in a big fight we had. Should I separate from him?

A. I am not offering blanket advice to every wife who has had a violent encounter with her husband. As in your case, a man can become so enraged that he does something he is immediately sorry for and would never do again. That is very different from the repetitive, pathological situation Laura is in. Let me offer another word of caution which is likely to be misunderstood by those who want to misunderstand. It deals with a very volatile subject that angels would fear to touch, but I feel it must be addressed. I have seen marital relationships where the woman deliberately “baited” her husband until he hit her. This is not true in most cases of domestic violence, but it does occur. Why, one may ask, would any woman want to be hit? Because females are just as capable of hatred and anger as males, and a woman can devastate a man by enticing him to strike her. It is a potent weapon. Once he has lost control and lashed out at his tormentor, she then sports undeniable evidence of his cruelty. She can show her wounds to her friends who gasp at the viciousness of that man. She can press charges against him in some cases and have him thrown in jail. She can embarrass him at his work or in the church. In short, by taking a beating, she instantly achieves a moral advantage in the eyes of neighbors, friends, and the law. It may even help her justify a divorce, or if one comes, to gain custody of her children. Remember what the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor did to American morale and unity? It solidified our forces and gave us a cause worth fighting for. There are those who believe President Roosevelt ignored warnings of the Pearl Harbor invasion for the precise purpose of unifying our resolve against a rising Japanese imperialism. In that same spirit, I have seen women belittle and berate their husbands until they set them aflame with rage. Some wives are more verbal than their husbands and can win a war of words any day of the week. Finally, the men reach a point of such frustration that they explode, doing precisely what their wives were begging them to do in the first place.

I remember one woman who came to church with a huge black eye contributed by her husband. She walked to the front of the auditorium before a crowd of five hundred people and made a routine announcement about an upcoming event. Everyone in attendance was thinking about her eye and the cad who did this to her. That was precisely what she wanted. I happened to know that her noncommunicative husband had been verbally antagonized by his wife until he finally gave her the prize she sought. Then she brought it to church to show it off. It does happen.

It is obvious why this analysis is inflammatory to women like Laura who are victims in the true sense of the word. They may think I am suggesting that they are responsible for their husbands’ violence. Not so! But domestic violence has more than one source of motivation, and that fact should be admitted.

2. THE HUSBAND OR WIFE OF A CHILD ABUSER

My friend Paul Powers was one of the most pathetic victims of child abuse I’ve ever known. Both his mother and father were alcoholics who produced or adopted twelve children, despite their inability to care for them. When Paul was seven years old, his mother came home from a party in a drunken stupor and collapsed before she reached the front door. The children found her the next morning lying in the snow. She contracted pneumonia and grew gravely ill. Two weeks later when Paul came home from school, his mother called him to her bedside and reached out to take his hand, but died before she could convey her thoughts. Seeing that she was gone, the child ran sobbing to his drunken father who pushed him away and began beating him with his fists. The man screamed, “Shut up! Boys don’t cry like babies!” Paul’s nose and two ribs were broken, and his teeth were knocked out. Even today, he bears a two-inch scar on the inside of his lower lip from the beating his father gave him that day. Paul didn’t cry again until he was twenty-two years old.

That was typical of Paul’s developmental years. Especially after the death of his mother, he and his siblings were subjected to cruel and vicious beatings on a regular basis. The father’s abuse was reported to local authorities on numerous occasions, and each time a social worker visited the home. As soon as she had left, Paul and several of his brothers were taken to the basement, stripped, and beaten until they could not get up from the floor.

It is not surprising that Paul and every one of his eleven siblings have spent time in prison. At twelve years of age, Paul committed his first murder in a robbery attempt. He shot a female carnival worker who refused to give him her money. The judge asked Paul’s father what he wanted done with the boy and he said, “Send him to hell!” Paul was confined in prison for this and related crimes and was filled with hatred and bitterness. But there in prison five years later, the most significant event in Paul’s life occurred. He was seventeen years of age when he saw a Billy Graham film and began to be acquainted with the Lord Jesus Christ! Sometime later he repented of his sins and was marvelously converted. Can you imagine what it must have been like for this young man who had never known love, who had experienced nothing but pain and suffering and sorrow, to be made clean and to know he was loved by the Creator Himself? His entire life was changed on that incredible day.

Paul was eventually released from prison, married a Christian woman, and became the father of a little girl. He felt God wanted him to distribute Christian films, since he had found the Lord through this medium. But times were rough. Paul and his wife were struggling to survive financially in their little ministry. It was Christmastime, and they lacked money even for groceries.

By contacting churches that had shown his films, Paul managed to collect a few dollars that were owed to him. His wife took eight dollars to the grocery store to buy food, and when she returned, he was furious to learn that she had foolishly spent one dollar for wrapping paper and tape. While Paul and his wife argued with one another, their three-year-old daughter was quietly rummaging through the sack of groceries. When she found the wrapping paper, she took it into the living room and used it to cover a shoe box.

Paul finally realized the child was gone and went looking for her. He found her sitting on the floor with the box covered by crooked paper and half a roll of tape. When Paul saw that the child had wasted the valuable materials, his temper blew again. He resorted to the behavior he had seen as a child, grabbing the toddler by one arm and flailing her violently. Then he sent her sobbing to her room, literally terrorized. He cannot talk about the event today without crying.

The next day when gifts were exchanged, the little girl ran behind the tree and retrieved her gold box. She handed it to Paul and said, “Daddy, this is for you!” He was embarrassed that he had spanked her unmercifully for something she perceived as a gift. He slowly began unwrapping the paper and lifted the lid to find the box completely empty.

Paul’s anger flared once more and he said, “What have you done? There’s nothing in this box. Why did you give me an empty box? When you give someone a present you’re supposed to put a gift inside it!”

The three-year-old looked up at her father innocently and said, “Oh, no, Daddy. The box is not empty! It is full of love and kisses for you. I stood there and blew kisses in there for my daddy, and I put love in there too. And it is for you!”

Paul was broken. He wrapped his arms around his little girl and begged her to forgive him. Then he got on his knees before the Lord, repenting and pleading for God to purge the violent temper he had learned as a child. Never again did this remarkable man abuse any of his sons or daughters. He kept that gold box beside his bed for years, and whenever he would be hurt or discouraged, he would reach into the box and lift out an imaginary kiss from his child. Then he would place it on his cheek and say, “Thank you, Lord.”

I must share a more recent chapter in Paul’s story which also moved me to tears. Paul and his father had gone their separate ways in 1956 and rarely saw each other in the two decades that followed. All of Paul’s attempts to make contact had been rejected. Then one day, Paul received a call from his father, who was at the Union Train Station in their town, asking if Paul could come see him. He said he would be there for only one hour. Paul and his wife jumped into the car and drove through rush hour traffic to get to the station on time. They arrived just three minutes before the train was to leave. Paul climbed aboard the train, wondering what he would say to the old man. They had been mortal enemies when they last parted company. Paul searched frantically for his father, and when they saw each other, they paused and then embraced affectionately. For the first time in his life, this seventy-nine-year-old man told his boy that he loved him. The conductor then shouted, “All aboard!” and Paul had to hurry from the train. They had only time enough to agree that they would meet soon in a nearby city.

Paul got off the train in a state of shock. His father had never hugged him in his life, and in fact, had seemed totally incapable of love. “But more than that,” Paul told his wife, “there was a different look about him! I saw it in his eyes. He was not the same man! I can’t explain it, but that man is different!” He anticipated the time when they could talk leisurely and heal the wounds they had inflicted on one another in earlier years.

Unfortunately, the rendezvous was never held because the old man suffered a heart attack and died the following Monday. As with his mother so many years before, Paul was deprived of his father’s last words. But a local pastor filled in the details at the funeral. Paul’s father had indeed experienced an encounter with Jesus Christ, and had become a born-again Christian in the closing months of his life. In fact, his train journey had been a last desperate attempt to reach out to several of his children and reestablish relationships that had been ruptured for years.

I have shared Paul’s story in this context for two reasons. First, because it touched me deeply and will, I know, be inspirational to others. Languishing in prison for the crime of murder, aware that no one had ever loved or needed him in his life, this young man came face-to-face with the compassion of God! Instead of being condemned for his sins and crimes, he was given an unconditional pardon and the record was obliterated. That is thrilling to me because I also experienced that incredible forgiveness!

But Paul’s background will also help us understand the problem of child abuse. His case is characteristic of the majority of offenders today who also experienced abusive childhoods. We parents develop our child-rearing styles primarily from watching our own mothers and fathers who served as role models. Even when we disliked what they did to us, we were influenced by the standard they set. “This is how the job is done,” they seemed to say. Thus, when we are grown and have children of our own, our tendency during times of frustration and stress is to imitate what we learned at home. More than 60 percent of abusive parents were themselves abused as children; that’s why they need our love and understanding, not our condemnation.

Even though we understand its cause, child abuse cannot be tolerated. Its effect on a developing youngster can be devastating. That’s why I recommend loving toughness when one parent observes consistent violence being inflicted on a boy or girl by the spouse. Of course, I could list an entire page of qualifiers behind that statement. What one permissive parent may interpret as child abuse may be, in fact, good discipline by the other spouse. The ideal approach is for mothers and fathers who disagree on techniques of discipline to discuss the matter with a wise, neutral counselor who can mediate the conflict.

But let’s be realistic. There are hundreds of thousands of homes today where one parent is aware of injustice and cruelty on the part of the other. Perhaps the father overreacts in response to routine childishness, beating the kids in anger or vindictiveness. Or maybe a mother is thrashing a colicky infant or punishing an older child too severely. What is a concerned parent to do under those circumstances? If he goes to the authorities, he threatens to destroy his home and incur the wrath of his spouse. Furthermore, the family’s reputation in the community will be tarnished and their friendships undermined. Often, the price is too great and the mother or father chooses not to pay it. Therefore, their little children suffer the brunt of this injustice without advocacy.

Worse yet, I have become aware in recent years that many mothers knowingly permit their husbands to abuse their daughters sexually for the same reasons! I have seen numerous situations where a little girl was expected to relieve the sexual pressure on her mother by satisfying the father’s passions. Unbelievable, you say! Hardly! It is estimated that 20 to 25 percent of all females in this country were sexually abused as children, most of them in their own homes. I have talked to these individuals after they’ve grown to be women. Virtually every one of them bears scars that will never be healed. They feel utter disgust and revulsion, not for their fathers, but for themselves! “I feel so dirty!” is the typical comment. It is as though they have taken the entire blame for the exploitation they suffered.

Mothers and fathers, if this is going on in your home, you simply must come to the rescue of your child! You can’t deny it another day. Nothing can make it right. Even at the risk of damaging or destroying your marriage, that little girl or boy who is being subjected to sexual exploitation or physical violence must be protected. Every child deserves a chance to grow up with a healthy mind and body. I urge you to seek professional help, today. If you don’t know who to consult, talk to your pediatrician or call the toll-free Childhelp hotline to talk anonymously to a counselor. They will direct you to a local agency that can help you. Their number is 1-800-4achild (1-800-422-4453). If all else fails and the abuse continues, get the child out of the house in which it is occurring. That is loving toughness under fire! Then let the Lord lead as you seek to reconcile and heal your marriage.

Finally, if you are the abuser, don’t wait another day to seek professional consultation. Most cities have organizations that help parents with this problem. Sure, it will be painful to admit that you have hurt your children, but if you’ll act now, there may still be time for your son or daughter to recover and live a normal life during the critical developmental years. You will never regret dealing with this terrible problem before it is too late. Don’t be like Paul Powers’s father who was in his final days on earth before showing love to his son. The same Lord who touched his life wants to do a miracle in yours, too.

3. WIFE IN FINANCIAL STRESS

Q. What do you say to the woman who tolerates infidelity in her husband because she has no financial resources? What if she is afraid to confront him because he could leave her in poverty?

A. I have no simple answers for that lady. Life can place us between rocks and hard places where problems seem almost unsolvable! Such is the plight of mothers raising children with little or no financial help from their ex-husbands. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in the year 2000 the median income of a single mother with at least one child under eighteen was $21,520, compared to $62,934 for a married couple with a child under eighteen.14 Many divorced mothers do not receive the court-ordered amount of child support from their ex-husbands. In a society that is regulated to death with laws and ordinances for virtually every human activity, it does seem that we could do more to put the squeeze on men who won’t care for their kids. Even in the administration of justice, you see, love must be tough.

Millions of divorced men do pay child support, of course, and many exceed the minimum amount established by the courts. Let me share an encouraging letter I received recently from a mother who faced the problem described in the question above, but overcame it with prayer.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I have appreciated your broadcasts this week on the subject love must be tough.

I am going through the very situation you talked about, an unfaithful husband after fifteen years of what I thought was a good marriage. Yes, I experienced all the emotions you mentioned plus one that I think many women face. My problem was financial insecurity.

You see, I never had worked outside the home, and I was scared about how I would manage to pay the bills. It costs so much to keep kids in clothes and all the other needs today. My husband works for a Ford dealership and he’s made a decent living, but we’ve never been able to save any money.

My husband was unfaithful and I was miserable, but because of this fear, I never confronted him with it. Finally I just confessed this fear to the Lord and told Him I was depending upon Him for my finances and security. Praise the Lord, He worked it out beautifully!

I told my husband to either straighten up or leave. Well, he left, but he decided to continue with the same financial arrangements as before. Sure it hurts, but not like before when I knew he was with someone else and playing games with my emotions.

Since I confronted him with this, I have evidently taken the fun out of his relationship with this woman. I honestly believe he enjoyed the secretiveness of playing around. He treats me better now than he has for years.

The Bible says that God will make even our enemies to be at peace with us when we obey Him. This has certainly been true in my case.

Your advice is correct. The only thing I would add is for the person to ask God to give him the courage and strength to carry it out. I put up with infidelity for nine years because I didn’t have that confidence.

God bless you,

Marvella

Thank you, Marvella. Your advice is correct, also.

4. HUSBAND OF A “NEW WOMAN”

Since the so-called “women’s movement” has been a major force in Western thought for nearly five decades, it is now possible to evaluate its effect on the self-concept of women and on their marriages. Despite many concerns I have expressed in the past, the picture definitely has its positive elements. There is no doubt in my mind that the movement has brought greater respect and dignity for females, especially in the business world.

Prior to 1965, it was not uncommon for an attractive young woman in the workforce to be treated like a piece of flesh, a toy to be used by men. Sexual innuendoes spoken about her and within her hearing were almost expected as proof of male virility. That disrespect, and other forms of it, still occur in everyday life, but it is less common today, and women know that they are entitled to better treatment. In this and many related ways, the elevated self-concept of women has been a healthy phenomenon in our culture.

But there have been casualties, too, especially when the philosophy of radical feminism is adopted uncritically by former traditionalists. I’m referring to the role reversal and change in lifestyle that often occurs when a loving wife and mother suddenly becomes a “new woman.” You’ve seen it happen—probably within your circle of friends. One day she is raising a family, maintaining a home, doing her best to live on a budget, undergirding her husband in his career, helping out at the church or the PTA or the hospital, and trying to serve God to the best of her ability. Then overnight, or so it would seem, she makes a ninety-degree turn and becomes somebody else.

Her new attitude can best be described as deeply angry. She is tired of being abused and taken for granted and disrespected. From now on, you’d better believe, she is not going to be pushed by anyone. Her new system of values has been programmed for her by feminist organizations and publications, almost as though a computer software package were downloaded into her brain. From that day forward, her primary concern is herself! The children will make it fine, she feels, with far less mothering. Her own career becomes all-consuming to her, and if it conflicts with her husband’s work, then he’ll just have to compromise. She bristles when her new beliefs are challenged or contradicted. These very words I’m writing, in fact, would make her furious. Her attitude toward God is likely to be revised, too. If He’s not an antifeminist, then in her opinion, most of His people are. She just may throw overboard everything she believed before her rebirth as a “new woman.”

The saddest chapter in the life of the new woman occurs when she runs—runs from her children—runs to establish a new identity—runs to the arms of another man. I remember one young woman whom I had watched with interest during her childhood and adolescence. I saw her as a high school homecoming queen, as a college coed, as a bride, and then as a mother. But the babies came too fast for her. She couldn’t handle the stresses of raising toddlers and changing diapers and wiping runny noses. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when she told me, “They’re driving me crazy!” But I underestimated her frustration until the day she disappeared. She left behind three beautiful kids and a bewildered, wounded husband. Her behavior changed, her faith evaporated, her morals crumbled, and her former loves perished. And five people in that little family will never be the same.

What should the husband of a “new woman” do? How can he deal with her anger and spiritual rebellion? Again, at the risk of providing simplistic answers to extremely complex questions, let me list some approaches that have succeeded with others:

1. First, this hostile woman may have (and most certainly does have) some legitimate complaints that should be addressed. The loving part of our prescription (love must be tough) dictates that these irritants be given a full hearing. There will undoubtedly be places for compromise and compassion and concern. It is even possible that a man who is willing to listen to his wife may prevent the “new woman” transformation from occurring.

2. Once the storm begins to howl, it resembles the turmoil of adolescence. By that I mean that the great anger of those years will not continue at the same level of intensity forever but will dissipate in time. Until then, the purpose of the more responsible party is to get through the crisis without killing relationships and crushing families.

3. The particularly hostile “new woman” needs space during her discontent, and it should be given to her. If she would separate from her family, let her go. If she doesn’t call, leave her to her solitude. Let her feel that she is free, in the spirit I have described. Open the door to her domestic cage, but make her do the flying. As a responsible and faithful husband in this context, I would not voluntarily leave the family to accommodate her. If she obtains a court order to force my departure, then the responsibility rests on her shoulders.

4. At some point, especially if infidelity is involved, it will be appropriate to apply the principles of loving toughness described herein. Great wisdom and tact are required to know how and when to say, “That’s enough; now make your choice. I’ll accept either decision.”

5. Pray consistently and seek the best counsel available.

5. WIFE OF A HOMOSEXUAL

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I am plagued by a problem with a thousand things that worry me. It scares me half to death. My husband and I have been married for twelve years, and I’ve known for the past eight that he is a practicing homosexual. We have one little girl but she was kind of a miracle. We rarely have sexual relations. He has no interest in me, he says.

Warren told me he’s known he was gay since he was nineteen years old and now he’s thirty-eight. He was raised in an alcoholic’s home, and I guess his childhood was pretty rough. I didn’t know about his problem before I married him or else I never would have. Now it is terrible living with him. I never know when he’s out with a guy. He works as a dancer here in Vegas, and he gets off at 2:00 A.M. But he doesn’t come home until dawn. Whenever I ask where he went after work he gives me some phony story.

I am not a nagging wife, but I’ve about reached my limit. I usually find out later that Warren has lied to me, and he’s been out with a man again. I believe that’s all he cares about. A counselor told me that homosexuals are very self-centered people who think mainly of themselves. Even in their sexual activities, their main purpose is to please themselves. I can see that in our intimate times together, too.

I’ll tell you what really scares me now. I’m starting to really not care for him anymore. Even when I learn he’s made love to a guy, I just feel nothing. It happens so often that I have come to expect it. What I really want now is a divorce, and I want to know if I have a right to get one on scriptural grounds. I’ve heard so many answers to that question from Christians I’ve talked to, but in watching your films, I thought you seemed like the kind of person who understands different situations and how to handle them.

I just don’t know which way to turn. I want the kind of family that God describes in the Bible. I don’t think my husband has a right to continue in the gay life and then stay married to me. Does he? Thank you for helping me.

Vickie

My heart goes out to you, Vickie. If there is anything more painful than knowing your mate has had an affair, it is the awareness that your spouse is involved in a gay lifestyle. I don’t blame you for feeling betrayed by the man who promised to “love and cherish” you for life.

As to whether you have scriptural grounds for a divorce, I believe you do. Keep in mind that I am not a theologian, and there are great differences of opinion on the interpretation of Scripture. You’ve already heard those conflicting viewpoints from your Christian counselors. But I see no differences between heterosexual unfaithfulness and the homosexual variety. They both are condemned in the Bible and should be considered in the same classification, morally. It is difficult to miss the intent of inspired writers who described a time when men would “burn with lust” for one another. Homosexuality is always included in lists of the most heinous sins, as seen in the following Scriptures.

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9–10)

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. (Romans 1:26–27)

God in His wisdom would not have condemned this perversion if it had represented just another lifestyle chosen by gays. (A further discussion appears in the next section.)

On the other hand, Vickie, I can’t say that God wants you to divorce your husband. He loves Warren as much as He does you and me, and He would much rather help him turn from his sin. He would also like to heal your marriage if you and Warren will permit Him to do so. We must always distinguish between the sin—any sin—which God hates, and the sinner, whom He loves!

My advice to you, therefore, is that you apply the recommendations offered throughout this book. Prayerfully establish a point of crisis with Warren, and force him to choose between good and evil—between committed love and a life of homosexuality. If he wants to preserve his relationship with you, then he will need competent counseling to cope with his problem. And contrary to what you’ve heard, homosexuality can be treated successfully when the individual desperately wants to change. It isn’t easy to conquer, but the majority of gays can become comfortable and reasonably satisfied in an exclusively heterosexual world.

I pray that Warren will be one of those fortunate people, with the help of God.

Caution: Sensitive Information Follows

I permitted a friend to read a preliminary draft of this book, and he said he felt my discussion of homosexuality was inadequate. He asked me to describe the gay lifestyle for those who are not informed. Reluctantly, I agreed to do so.

If you have a weak stomach or don’t wish to know the more unpleasant facts about homosexuality, I encourage you to skip the remainder of this section. The description I’m about to write will be very disturbing to most of my readers. My purpose is not to shock, but to dispel a carefully constructed myth. I repeat—don’t read if you don’t want to know!

Gay propaganda would have us see homosexuality as just another lifestyle being very similar to that of heterosexuals. They picture two young men or women holding hands and strolling serenely through the park, as though their perversion were merely another expression of human love. Unfortunately, the actual gay experience is another matter! It can be incredibly sordid and perverse in its most extreme context.

It is apparent from the discussions in the recent spate of articles, interviews, and books on the subject that homosexuality has become a major health hazard in the Western world. Whereas heterosexuals typically engage each other one-on-one, many homosexuals (but not all) prefer a group experience. Their orgies occur in “gay baths,” among other places, made legal by antisodomy laws struck down by the courts in recent years. There are between two hundred and four hundred of these so-called bathhouses in existence in the U.S. today. (The success of these businesses has been severely affected by the AIDS phenomenon, but they are still in operation at the date of this writing.)

If you were to follow a gay man into such an establishment, this is what you would typically observe: For the next hour and a half, that individual would have oral-anal contact with ten to thirty partners, ingesting small amounts of fecal matter from each one; he would have oral-genital sex with five to ten more; he would be penetrated orally by five to ten men and would be the object of oral-genital contact by the same number. These men would all swallow fecal matter from one another, passed around from anus to genitalia to mouth to anus, etc. This is not exaggeration or overstatement. According to the second Kinsey Survey conducted in San Francisco, 83 percent of homosexuals report they practice oral-anal sex. The Gay Report, written for and by homosexuals, places the incidence at 89 percent. Likewise, 23 percent admit they routinely urinate on one another during their sexual encounters. There are other activities and characteristics of this “alternate lifestyle” that I would not even write in a frank discussion of this nature! That is the gay experience when expressed at its worst. The accuracy of this description was reviewed and verified by my friend Dr. Donald Tweedie, a Christian psychotherapist who has specialized for twenty-five years in the treatment of homosexual patients. Not all gays and lesbians participate in bathhouse behavior, of course, but according to Dr. Tweedie, even those who claim to be committed to monogamous relationships are often promiscuous. In other words, homosexual encounters with multiple partners are common, even for those who reject the orgiastic activities I have described. Is it any wonder that so many homosexuals have hepatitis and other diseases?

I have chosen to offer this graphic description of homosexuality, not only to set the record straight, but to explain my understanding of the biblical perspective on this lifestyle. It seems unreasonable to think that God, in His infinite wisdom, would forbid premarital or extramarital sex between a man and woman, but then wink approvingly at homosexual orgies and perversions. What nonsense! To the churches that have whitewashed the gay experience and absolved it of divine sanction, I can only say I’m glad I won’t be the one to explain that stance on the Great Judgment Day!

I’ll conclude this statement by repeating what I said earlier concerning the homosexual himself as opposed to his problem:

I believe our obligation is to despise the sin but love the sinner. Many men and women who experience homosexual passions have not sought their way of life; it occurred for reasons which they can neither recall nor explain. Some were victims of early traumatic sexual encounters by adults who exploited them. I remember one homosexual teenager whose drunken father forced him to sleep with his mother after a wild New Year’s Eve party. His disgust for heterosexual sex was easy to trace. Such individuals need acceptance and love from the Christian community, as they seek to redirect their impulses.15

6. HUSBAND OR WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC

A government survey form was reportedly sent to the president of a small company and asked, “How many employees do you have, broken down by sex?” He replied, “None that I know of. Our big problem here is alcohol.”

Since we are dealing in rapid succession with the most difficult marital crises facing us today, we must not fail to address the pervasive problem of alcoholism. One out of every three Americans is a close family member of an alcoholic, and the incidence seems to be rising. It is not a white man’s disease or a black man’s problem or an American Indian weakness. It is a human condition, affecting all races, nationalities, and both sexes. The French, who pride themselves in their low rate of alcoholism, have a higher incidence of cirrhosis of the liver than any country in the world. Mother Russia has 25 million alcoholics among its citizens. Problem drinkers can be found among Protestants, Catholics, and Jews. Some are down-and-outers, sprawled on skid-row streets; others have been at the pinnacle of public popularity and power, such as Betty Ford, Sid Caesar, Senators Wilbur Mills and Harold Hughes. We rub elbows every day with people whose lives are dominated by the bottle, the flask, and the glass.

The saddest dimension of alcoholism is its effects on innocent family members, especially children who are too young to understand what is happening to their parents. The National Institute on Alcohol and Alcohol Abuse estimates that half of the problem drinkers in this country are women, many being “closet alcoholics” who successfully hide their addiction behind the doors of their homes. But they can’t hide it from their kids. I shudder to contemplate how many toddlers will wander aimlessly through their homes today wondering why Mommy ”sleeps” so long on the floor. How many kids like little Paul Powers will be unjustly punished or made to go hungry or otherwise abused by a parent who is too drunk to care? It is difficult to overestimate the effect of alcoholism on the stability of today’s families.

In view of the vastness of this problem, I felt it should be given more than cursory attention here. Thus, I invited four authorities to my office to give us an up-to-date look at alcoholism and current methods of treatment. Included were a physician and a marriage, family, and child therapist with twenty-five years of counseling experience, whose own father committed suicide during one of his drunken binges. Also with me were “Bob,” a recovered alcoholic, and his wife “Pauline,” who preferred that we withhold their real names.

I did not ask these four individuals for a detailed analysis of the problem; we already know how serious it is. Rather, I wanted them to provide us with practical suggestions as to how family members can recognize the disease and then how they can help. The answers they gave were most encouraging and enlightening.

The physician was asked whether alcoholism can be treated successfully, today. Is it a hopeless condition, or is there a way out for the victim and his family? This was his reply:

I specialized in the field of internal medicine for many years, but found it to be depressing work. I could help my patients with chronic lung disease and severe diabetes and heart disease, but in reality, my efforts were just a delaying action. Over time, the conditions worsened and the diseases progressed. I made my rounds in intensive care each day and watched people losing their battle for life, whereas my alcoholic patients were getting well. That’s why I deal almost exclusively with alcoholics now and find it to be extremely rewarding work. I see people who come in with more horrible problems than you can imagine, but they get into a recovery program, and in a few months, the difference is like going from night to day. So yes, not only is alcoholism treatable, but the medical community does better with this disorder than any other chronic disease. Alcoholics emerge from treatment programs more functionally integrated, more capable, and more effective than before they “caught” the disease.

That was the theme of the entire discussion: there is hope for the alcoholic! But before treatment can occur, the problem has to be identified and acknowledged. My guest was then asked to describe the early characteristics of the disease for family members who need to be able to recognize the symptoms. He said:

The first red flag is a “tolerance” to alcohol. The person finds he has to drink more to achieve the same result. He calls this being able to “hold his liquor”—a status symbol around the world. In reality, it is a danger signal indicating that a chemical adjustment has been made. Secondly, the person reaches a place where he doesn’t want to talk about his drinking anymore. He knows he is consuming more alcohol than other people and he wants to avoid all reference to it. This begins a process of denial that may be with him for years to come. Thirdly, the person begins to experience blackouts. By that I mean that he has brief periods of amnesia that lengthen as time goes by. What is happening is that the brain’s recording cells aren’t remembering what is being said and done. Furthermore, it’s a low dose phenomenon: It happens after one or two drinks. I’m not referring to the process of becoming stone drunk from the anesthetic effect of great quantities of alcohol. Instead, the person thinks back on the previous night and says, “Gee! I can’t remember a doggone thing after the second drink.” It’s a scary experience. Fourth, the person begins to notice that he can’t consistently predict how much he’s going to drink once he starts. To me, this is the key feature of alcoholism and constitutes the definition of the disease. It occurs when an individual is constantly drinking more than he intended because he can’t help it. He sits down to have a beer and wakes up the next afternoon. It may be hard for people to believe, but alcoholics don’t intend to get drunk. They merely want to have a drink or two. That’s why they can swear they’ll never get drunk again, and mean it. They have no intention of breaking that promise. Nevertheless, they sit down to have a drink with a friend and bingo, it’s morning.

At this point in our discussion, we heard from Pauline who shared her personal experience:

I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience—having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through—really done with binging. He’d say, “I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!” Then in a day or two he was dead-drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower, but you can’t conquer a physiological problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.

We asked Bob to express what he was feeling during this time of repeated failure. He said he was confused by his inability to overcome his habit.

I thought the problem might be vodka, so I switched to scotch, and then bourbon. Then I tried meditation. Nothing worked. I tried a dozen approaches to control my drinking, but I always went back to it. Then I tried covering it up. I carried a bottle of Binaca in my pocket and always had a green tongue. I drank for six months without Pauline ever knowing it. Every Saturday morning she would wash her hair and then sit under a noisy dryer for a half hour. I could hardly wait for her to get preoccupied because I had a fifth of vodka in the cupboard. I would race in and get a can of Fresca from the refrigerator, pour half of it down the drain, and fill the other half with my vodka. Then I’d drink it in front of the television set with a halo around my head. You really have to be calculating to hide a drinking problem from those you live with. This went on for months. You see, I was addicted to a drug and was completely unaware of it.

I’m sure this pattern sounds familiar to many of my readers who live with an alcoholic. The critical question is, what can they do to help? Let’s begin by describing the harmful approaches to avoid, and then we’ll consider the recommendations of our panel.

1. Do not nag, complain, scream, cry, beg, plead, embarrass, label, or berate the victim. He has a disease which he can’t control. It is not within his power to overcome it alone.

2. Do not keep the alcoholic’s life together by lying to his boss, covering for his irresponsibilities, bailing him out of jail, and paying his bills. Such a rescuer is called an enabler, and he may actually prolong and worsen the problem.

3. Though opinions differ, most authorities do not look on alcoholism as a character weakness or a moral problem. It was a moral problem during earlier days when the person chose to drink excessively. But later, it was not his desire to hurt his family, stay in a drunken stupor, waste his money, etc. The alcoholic has long since lost his capacity for voluntary action.

4. Do not perpetuate the alcoholic’s problem for your own selfish reasons. It is not uncommon for family members to resist any treatment for what may be unconscious motives. For example, a woman whose husband is usually drunk has power over her family. She is the unrivaled boss—the one who controls the money and makes all the family’s decisions. As her alcoholic husband begins to recover, she may realize she is losing that power and move to sabotage his rehabilitation. Guard against these subtle forces that may undermine recovery in your homes.

We come now to the most important part of our discussion. What can family members do to help themselves and their addicted loved ones? First, it is virtually impossible to resolve this problem without outside help. In a very real sense, the entire family shares the sickness of the alcoholic. They are affected by rage, depression, disillusionment, despair, financial fear, denial, low self-esteem, and myriad other emotions that accompany this illness. They are wounded in spirit and need the loving concern of those who have been there. As Jerry Butler said, “If the alcoholic does manage to recover, he is almost certain to regress unless his family has been treated, too.”

But where can that outside assistance be found? Our panel was unanimous in their recommendations of Al-Anon, a support program for the families of alcoholics. Pauline credits them with saving her family and perhaps her life. She said, “After refusing to attend for a year I went to Al-Anon in desperation and finally began to get the answers I needed. I’ll never forget the first night. They gave no sympathy and no advice. They just shared their experience, their strength, and their hope. I latched onto it with everything I had, and within a few weeks, things began to change for me. Al-Anon directed me toward God and helped me get my eyes off myself and on Him. Then they taught me how to deal with Bob.”

I asked Bob what changes he began to notice at home and he was emphatic in his reply.

If you really want to mess up an alcoholic’s drinking fun, just get his spouse involved in Al-Anon. Pauline changed her approach in three ways and it bugged me like crazy: (1) Whereas she previously poured my booze down the drain, she stopped doing that or anything else to keep me from drinking. I really wondered if she loved me anymore. (2) On Mondays, I would ask her to call the office and tell them that I had the flu. She had always done that for me. But after going to Al-Anon, she would simply smile and say, “No, you’ll have to do that yourself.” (3) She seemed to be calmer, more in control. Before, I would come home from drinking with the guys and look for an excuse to leave again. All I had to do was pick a fight with Pauline and then say, “All right, if that’s the way you’re gonna act, I’ll just take off.” Now, she gets in this Al-Anon thing and instead of trying to hold me at home, she smiles and says, “So long. I’m going to a meeting.”

Getting help for the family is only the first step in recovery, of course. The second stage is tougher. How on earth can husbands or wives of problem drinkers get them to Alcoholics Anonymous or to a similar treatment program? That person is steeped in denial and his thought processes are blurred by booze. You simply can’t expect him to make a rational decision, even to save his life. Begging him to cooperate is equally nonproductive. Are we blocked, therefore? Do we come down to the old, insurmountable barrier that has stood for centuries—the unwillingness of the alcoholic to seek help? No, not according to our panel.

Jerry Butler made it clear that there is a way around the resistance of the drinker. In fact, if you wait until he admits his need for help, he’ll be dead first. Thousands die every year while denying they have a problem. That’s why Al-Anon teaches family members how to confront in love. They learn how to remove the support systems that prop up the disease and permit it to thrive. They are shown how and when to impose ultimatums that force the alcoholic to admit his need for help. And sometimes, they recommend separation until the victim is so miserable that his denial will no longer hold up. In essence, Al-Anon teaches its own version of the love must be tough philosophy to family members who must implement it.

I asked Bob if he was forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous—the program that put him on the road to recovery. He said,

Let me put it this way. No one goes to AA just because they’ve got nothing better to do that evening. Everyone there has been forced to attend initially. You just don’t say, “On Monday night we watched a football game and on Tuesday we went to the movies. So what do you do on Wednesday? How about going over to an AA meeting?” It doesn’t work that way. Yes, I was forced—forced by my own misery. Pauline allowed me to be miserable for my own good. It was loving duress that moved me to attend.

Though it may sound easy to achieve, the loving confrontation that brought Bob to his senses was a delicate maneuver. I must reemphasize that families should not attempt to implement it on their own initiative. Without the training and assistance of professional support groups, that encounter could degenerate into a hateful, vindictive, name-calling battle that would serve only to solidify the drinker’s position. My purpose, therefore, has been to introduce my readers to the philosophy of loving toughness as applied to alcoholism, and to direct them to the organizations that will fill in the details.

Al-Anon Family Groups and Alcoholics Anonymous are both listed in local phone books. Also to be found there is the number of the Council on Alcoholism, which can provide further guidance. Finally, there are neighborhood or regional alcoholism programs provided by hospitals, governmental agencies, and private organizations. They can help you. Most will not assault your faith as a Christian, and in fact, may well strengthen your dependence on God.

If you or a family member is struggling with the disease of alcoholism, you do not have to fight it alone. Call for help today.

7. DAUGHTER OF AN ALCOHOLIC

Dear Dr. Dobson:

Hi. My name is Karen and I am fourteen years old. I really enjoy your radio programs. I thought it was sad when you talked about your father. My dad and I don’t get along so well. He used to be a policeman but not anymore. He lost his job because he is an alcoholic. He’s been to doctors and he’s so far gone he can’t be helped.

Dad always gets drunk and takes out his problems on the rest of the family. He’s always sitting in taverns, somewhere. Living with an alcoholic is like living in hell. One night I was talking to a friend next door on the telephone and my dad heard me. He had come home drunk as usual. He came to my door, threw it open, and yelled, “If you don’t get off that phone I’m going to kill you.” I knew he meant it.

I hung up the phone and sneaked out the back door. I went to a friend’s house and spent the night there. Then I came home and crawled in a window at 6:00 A.M. so no one would notice I was gone. I was really scared.

I hate living with an alcoholic. I get very angry at my dad. I’ve had to put up with his drinking since I was born. I always have problems at home. Please help me!

Karen

I feel your pain, Karen, and I have some advice that will help you. First, your father is not too far gone. He can still be helped. There are no hopeless alcoholics—just alcoholics without hope. I’m sure your dad hates what he has become even more than you do, but he doesn’t know how to overcome the disease he has.

Believe it or not, you can help him. Listed in your phone book is an organization called Alateen. It is for young people whose parents are afflicted with alcoholism. You can go there without your parents’ permission or knowledge, and it’s absolutely free. You will meet friends your age there who have the same problem you face. You will also meet grown-ups who’ll show you how to handle it. I hope you’ll give Alateen a call.

God loves you, Karen. I trust that He will help you get through this difficult time of your life, and then you’ll learn how wonderful a family can be when drinking does not occur. Until then, keep your faith. Thanks for writing me.