Jane: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Marie. I understand from your caseworker that you’re feeling challenged and discouraged in your relationship with your husband Bill.
Marie: Yes. For the past few months I’ve noticed his memory getting worse and he’s starting to say and do the wrong things. He was always so meticulous and detail-oriented, and now I’m fighting with him about whether or not he flushed the toilet! I’m getting angry with him because he’s asking the same thing over and over, and I’ll tell him that he asked me the question already, and then he gets mad at me. It’s a cycle and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated.
Jane: I can understand that this change in his personality must be hard for you to accept. Moreover, it can be challenging when you’re constantly repeating yourself. I specialize in Cognitive-Behavioral therapy, which helps people to understand how their feelings affect their behaviors, which affect their actions. With some simple and gradual changes, I’d like to see your feelings of discouragement lessen. We’re going to start with having you identify the thoughts that come when you’re feeling frustrated and work together to change your thought pattern, which will help to change your responses to Bill when he’s struggling.
Marie: I’m not good with therapy and I haven’t ever dealt with this before, but if it helps me to be less angry with Bill then I think we can try it.
Jane: Our first step is to realize that the changes in you are going to be gradual, but you’ll be in control of your feelings. And I can imagine that you’re feeling like you have no control over your life when Bill’s Alzheimer’s is a big focus in your world.
Marie: Exactly! I feel like I have no control over anything, and to top it off I yell at my husband for hiding my keys in the fridge.
Jane. Let’s start with you imagining Bill asking where his mom is. How do you feel?
Marie: Mad. And sad, and disappointed. But angry that he doesn’t know that she died 35 years ago.
Jane: So when these mad feelings creep in, I want you to repeat something. I want you to say “It’s the disease; it’s not Bill. It’s the disease; It’s not Bill”. This is going to be your patience mantra. That means that when you feel these angry feelings coming on because he’s asked you a question for the 5th time or something that you know he should know, you’ll say this phrase as a reminder to take a deep breath and remember why he’s asking you this in the first place.
Marie: Am I saying this out loud?
Jane: No, you just repeat it inside your head. Or if Bill is in another room, you can say it quietly. This step is key in realizing that you’re angry and it’s an opportunity to take a minute to think of why you’re angry and how to best respond considering his disease.
Marie. Ok, I think I can do that.
Jane: It’s a small first step, but once you’re able to identify that feeling, you become the one in control of your feelings, not Bill. Your anger at him is a response to how you’re feeling, and if you can control your response, you can lessen your anger. Does this make sense?
Marie: Yes, and it will feel nice to have a moment of feeling like I’m in control of my life, if even for just a moment.
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