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Emotional Messages CHAPTER SEVEN

Chapter Topics Principles of Emotions and Emotional Messages

Obstacles to Communicating Emotions

Emotional Competence

Learning Objectives 7.1 Describe the principles of emotions and emotional

expression.

7.2 Identify the major obstacles that could prevent the effective communication of emotions.

7.3 Summarize the guidelines for emotional competence in expressing and responding to emotions.

The range of emotions is infinite. Learn the strategies for expressing and responding to emotions for greater interpersonal effectiveness.

Can you choose the emotions you feel? Or do outside circumstances make you feel different emotions? It’s a difficult question and theorists

do not agree about whether you can choose the emotions

you feel. Some argue that you can; others argue that you cannot.

You are, however, in control of whether you commu- nicate your emotions and you’re in control of the ways

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in which you express your emotions. Whether you choose to express your emo- tions depends on your own attitudes about emotional expression. You may wish to explore your attitudes about expressing feelings by responding to the following questions.

We are all slaves to our emotions. Some of us express them openly while some others keep them under control. Understanding our attitudes toward emotional expression is the first step toward a deeper understanding of this topic.

Consider these two scenarios:

Scenario A: Your friend Naomi wears her heart on her sleeve. When she was happily married, she posted daily updates on her love life on social media and gushed about her husband every time you met her. When she got divorced, she was inconsolable and cried on who- ever’s shoulder she could find. She shared her pain with friends, relatives, colleagues, and even acquaintances.

Scenario B: Another friend Alice, though a very warm person, is reserved by nature and it has always been difficult to know how she really feels. She was calm when she got married and the same when she got divorced. All attempts by you to help her failed because she doesn’t share her feelings with you or anyone else.

Reflect on these two scenarios and answer the following questions.

• Who according to you is the stronger of the two friends? Why? • Who do you think will survive the pain and bounce back to normalcy faster? Why? • Which of the two scenarios do you relate to? What would be your typical behavior in the

circumstances mentioned? • Can you guess their personality types?

This will open your mind to your own attitude toward emotional expression and the myths surrounding it.

If you decide to communicate your feelings, you need to make several decisions. For example, you have to choose how to do so—face-to-face, letter, social media post, phone, e-mail, text message, or office memo. And you have to choose the specific emo- tions you will and will not reveal. Finally, you have to choose the words and nonverbals you’d use in expressing your emotions.

Some of the more difficult interpersonal communication situations are those that involve emotions, which we can define simply as strong feelings. This chapter addresses this crucial topic; it offers insight into the nature of emotions and emotional expression, discusses some of the obstacles to communicating emotions, and presents suggestions for communicating emotions and for responding to the emotions of others.

A useful backdrop to this discussion is to identify some of the reasons you com- municate emotions—whether happy news (getting a large bonus or finding the love of your life) or sad news (the death of a loved one or getting fired). Here are just three (Rime, 2007; Dean, 2011b):

• You want/need to vent. You want catharsis, to reveal your feelings.

• You want/need attention, support, or advice. You want/need people to pay atten- tion to you, to offer you consolation, or to give you suggestions for what you should do now.

• You want/need to bond—to strengthen your relationship—and so you might share similar emotional experiences to show your understanding and empathy.

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Principles of Emotions and Emotional Messages 7.1 Describe the principles of emotions and emotional expression.

Communicating emotions, or feelings, is difficult. It’s difficult because your thinking often gets confused when you’re intensely emotional. It’s also difficult because you probably weren’t taught how to communicate emotions—and you probably have few effective models to imitate.

Communicating emotions is also important. Feelings constitute a great part of your meanings. If you leave your feelings out, or if you express them inadequately, you fail to communicate as well as you might. For example, consider what your communica- tions would be like if you left out your feelings when talking about failing a recent test, winning the lottery, becoming a parent, getting engaged, driving a car for the first time, becoming a citizen, or being promoted to supervisor. Emotional expression is so much a part of communication that even in the cryptic e-mail message style, emoticons are becoming more popular.

So important is emotional communication that it is at the heart of what is now called emotional intelligence or social intelligence (Goleman, 1995a). One very impor- tant aspect of emotional intelligence is that it enables you to distinguish between those emotions that are relevant to your choices and those emotions that are irrelevant and thereby improve your decision making (Yip & Côté, 2013; Dean, 2013). This chapter is, in fact, a primer of emotional intelligence.

The inability to engage in emotional commu- nication—as sender and as receiver—is part of the learning disability known as dyssemia, a condition in which individuals are unable to read appropri- ately the nonverbal messages of others or to com- municate their own meanings nonverbally (Duke & Nowicki, 2005). Persons suffering from dys- semia, for example, look uninterested, fail to return smiles, and use facial expressions that are inappro- priate to the situation and the interaction. As you can imagine, people who are poor senders and receivers of emotional messages likely have prob- lems in developing and maintaining relationships. When interacting with such people, you’re likely to feel uncomfortable because of their inappropriate emotional communication ( Goleman, 1995a).

VIEWPOINTS Emotions and Decision Making

It’s been shown that without emotions, decision making is impaired and often rendered impossible (Damasio, 2005).What other situations would be negatively affected by the lack of emotion?

Before reading about the principles for emotional expression and responding, consider the following five emotional statements. Are they effective expressions of emotions? Are they ineffective? Why? After reading this chapter, review these statements again but this time try to rephrase them into more effective emotional expressions.

1. You hurt me when you ignore me. Don’t ever do that again.

2. I’ll never forgive you. The hatred and resentment will never leave me.

3. Look. I really can’t bear to hear about your problems of deciding whom to date tomor- row and whom to date the next day and the next. Give me a break. It’s boring. Boring.

4. You did that just to upset me. You enjoy seeing me get upset, don’t you?

5. Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. Don’t you dare insult me with that attitude of yours.

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Let’s look first at several general principles of emotions and emotional expression. These principles will establish a foundation for our consideration of the skills of emo- tional competence and are previewed in Figure 7.1.

Emotions Occur in Stages Although there are conflicting theories about emotions, all agree that emotions occur in stages. Consider how you would describe what happens when you experience emo- tional arousal. Most people would identify these stages: (1) An event occurs. (2) You experience an emotion such as surprise, joy, or anger. (3) You respond physiologically; your heart beats faster, your face flushes, and so on. The process would go like this:

Figure 7.1 The Principles of Emotions and Emotional Expression

Principles of Emotions and

Emotional Expression

Emotions occur in stages

Emotions may be primary or blended

Emotions involve body and mind

Emotional expression uses

multiple channels

Emotional expression is governed by display rules

Emotions can be used strategically

Emotions have consequences

Emotions may be adaptive and maladaptive

Emotions are contagious

A An event occurs

You experience an emotion

You respond physiologically

Psychologist William James and physiologist Carl Lange offered a different expla- nation to the previous “commonsense” theory. Their theory places the physiological arousal before the experience of the emotion. The sequence of events according to the James–Lange theory is: (1) An event occurs. (2) You respond physiologically. (3) You experience an emotion; for example, you feel joy or sadness. This process would look like this:

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According to a third explanation, the cognitive labeling theory, you interpret the physiological arousal and, on the basis of this, experience the emotions of joy, sadness, or whatever (Reisenzein, 1983; Schachter, 1971). The sequence goes like this: (1) An event occurs. (2) You respond physiologically. (3) You interpret this arousal—that is, you decide what emotion you’re experiencing. (4) You experience the emotion. Your interpretation of your arousal depends on the situation you’re in. For example, if you experience an increased pulse rate after someone you’ve been admiring smiles at you, you may interpret this as joy. If three suspicious-looking strangers approach you on a dark street, however, you may interpret that same increased heartbeat as fear. It’s only after you make the interpretation that you experience the emotion, for example, the joy or the fear. This process looks like this:

B An event occurs

You respond physiologically

You experience an emotion––for

example, joy or sadness

C An event occurs

You respond physiologically

You interpret this arousal

You identify the

emotion you’re feeling

Our major concern in interpersonal communication is with the next step of the process. Each of these diagrams needs another stage, the stage of expression, the stage at which you make a choice about what to do and what to say.

Emotions May Be Primary or Blended How would you feel in each of the following situations?

• You won the lottery.

• You got the job you applied for.

• Your best friend just died.

• Your parents tell you they’re getting divorced.

You would obviously feel very differently in each of these situations. In fact, each feeling is unique and unrepeatable. Yet amid all these differences, there are some similarities. For example, most peo- ple would agree that the first two sets of feelings are more similar to each other than they are to the last two. Similarly, the last two are more similar to each other than they are to the first two.

To capture the similarities and differences among emotions, one researcher identifies the basic or primary emotions (Havlena, Holbrook, & Lehmann, 1989; Plutchik, 1980): joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation (Figure 7.2). This model of emotions is especially useful for viewing the broad scale of emotions,

VIEWPOINTS The Emotional Self

One implication of the cognitive labeling theory of emotions is that you and only you can make yourself feel angry or sad or anxious. This view is often phrased popularly as “Other people can hurt you physically, but only you can hurt yourself emotionally.” Do you agree with this? What evidence can you advance to support or refute this position?

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their relationships to each other, and their varied combinations. View it as a wheel spread out.

In this model, there are also blends. These blended emotions are combinations of the primary emotions. These are noted outside the emotion wheel. For example, accord- ing to this model, love is a blend of joy and trust. Remorse is a blend of disgust and sadness. Similar but milder emotions appear in lighter shades (for example, serenity is a milder joy) and stronger emotions appear in darker shades (for example, terror is a stronger fear).

Emotions Involve Both Body and Mind Emotion involves both the body and the mind; when you experience emotion, you experience it both physically and mentally. Bodily reactions (such as blushing when you’re embarrassed) and mental evaluations and interpretations (as in estimating the likelihood of getting a yes response when you propose) interact.

Bodily reactions are the most obvious aspect of our emotional experience because we can observe them easily. Such reactions span a wide range and include, for example, the blush of embarrassment, the sweating palms that accompany nervousness, and the gestures (such as playing with your hair or touching your face) that go with discomfort. When you judge people’s emotions, you probably look to these nonverbal behaviors. You conclude that Ramon is happy to see you because of his smile and his open body posture. You conclude that Lisa is nervous from her damp hands, vocal hesitations, and awkward movements.

The mental or cognitive part of emotional experience involves the evaluations and inter- pretations you make on the basis of what you

Figure 7.2 A Model of the Emotions

Emotions that are close to each other on this wheel are also close to each other in meaning. For example, joy and anticipation are more closely related than are joy and sadness or trust and disgust. Emotions that are opposite each other on the wheel are also opposite each other in their meaning. For example, joy is the opposite of sadness; anger is the opposite of fear. Do you agree with the basic assumptions of this model?

Reprinted with permission from Annette deFerrari Design.

joy

trust

acceptance

serenity

interest

annoyance

boredom

pensiveness

distraction

apprehensionterror

ecstasy

vigilance

rage

loathing

grief

amazement

admiration

anticipation

anger fear

disgust

sadness

surprise

aggressiveness awecontempt

submissio

n

r em

or se

lo ve

optim ism

disapproval

VIEWPOINTS Emotional Isolation

Emotional isolation refers to the situation in which a person has no intimate with whom to share emotions. Even though the person may have a wide network of associates, there is no one person to relate to on an intimate level. In what ways might people seek to prevent or lessen emotional isolation?

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experience. For example, leading psychotherapist Albert Ellis (1988; Ellis & Harper, 1975), whose insights are used throughout this chapter, claims that your evaluations of what happens have a greater influence on your feelings than what actually happens. Let us say, for example, that your best friend, Sally, ignores you in the college cafeteria. The emotions you feel depend on what you think this behavior means. You may feel pity if you figure that Sally is depressed because her father died. You may feel anger if you believe that Sally is simply rude and insensitive and snubbed you on purpose. Or you may feel sadness if you believe that Sally is no longer interested in being friends with you.

Emotional Expression Uses Multiple Channels As with most meanings, emotions are encoded both verbally and nonverbally. Your words, the emphasis you give them, and the gestures and facial expressions that accom- pany them all help to communicate your feelings. Conversely, you decode the emotional

Culture influences the willingness and likelihood that its members will engage in fun activities. Some cultures emphasize the experience and expression of enjoyment (and its accompanying positive emotions) in the present, and some teach their members to delay such experi- ences and accompanying emotions. This is seen clearly in the distinction between indulgent and restraint cultures. Indulgent cultures are those that emphasize having fun and gratifying your desires without undue delay, whereas cultures high in restraint resist such gratification and, instead, focus on planning and saving for the future.

THE CULTURAL MAP Indulgent and Restraint Orientation

Citizens of indulgent cultures emphasize gratification of desires and are among the happiest cultures. They see themselves as having

control over their lives and ample leisure time. These cultures also stress the importance of friendships and close relationships.

Citizens of restraint cultures curb personal gratification and are less happy than indulgent cultures. They see themselves as having little

control over their lives and little leisure time. Friendships and close relationships are less important.

Would you guess that indulgent and restraint individuals have the same number of Facebook friends? The same number of close friends? How might their Twitter behaviors differ? Would their Pinterest boards or Instagram photos be different?

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messages of others on the basis of their verbal and nonverbal cues. And, of course, emotions, like all messages, are most effectively communicated when verbal and nonverbal messages reinforce and complement each other.

This principle has special implications for communication that’s exclusively text-based. When we express emotions in a face-to-face situation, we express the emotions with our words but also with our facial expressions, our body posture and ges- tures, our eye movements, our touching, and even the distance we maintain from others. In text-based messages, these cues are unavailable and so substitutes need to be found. There are two major substitutes. The first is to use words that describe the nonverbals that you would normally express. And so you’d talk about your smiling as you looked at the photo, your rapid heart- beat when the message came in, your scratching your head over the puzzle, and so on. That is, your words would depict your nonverbals.

The other substitute is the emoticon or the emoji. These emotional symbols can, in many cases, very effectively substi- tute for the nonverbals that normally occur during face-to-face interaction.

Emotional Expression Is Governed by Display Rules Display rules govern what is and what is not socially acceptable in emotional com- munication. These rules vary from one culture to another as well as between men and women. Even within U.S. culture, there are differences. For example, in one study, Americans classified themselves into four categories: Caucasian, African American, Asian, and Hispanic/Latino. Just to make the point that different cultures teach differ- ent rules for the display of emotions, here are a few of the study’s findings (Matsumoto, 1994, 2009): (1) Caucasians found the expression of contempt more appropriate than did Asians; (2) African Americans and Hispanics felt that showing disgust was less appropriate than did Caucasians; (3) Hispanics rated public displays of emotion as less appropriate than did Caucasians; and (4) Caucasians rated the expression of fear as more appropriate than did Hispanics.

Gender display rules permit women to talk more about feelings and emotions and to display more emotional expression than they do for men (Barbato & Perse, 1992). Women also express themselves facially more than men. Even junior and senior high school students show this gender difference. Women are permitted to express “soft” emotions and to cry (in some situations but definitely not in others) while men may be criticized for doing similarly. Women are also more likely to express socially acceptable emotions than are men (Brody, 1985). For example, women smile significantly more than men. In fact, women smile even when smiling is not appropriate—for example, when reprimanding a subordinate. Men, on the other hand, are more likely than women to express anger and aggression (DePaulo, 1992; Fischer, 1993; Wade & Tavris, 2007). Similarly, women are more effective at communicating happiness, and men are more effective at communicating anger (Coats & Feldman, 1996). Women also cry more than men (Metts & Planalp, 2002). These differences are in large part due to the display rules that women and men learned as they were growing up. But, display rules change and, in the case of gender especially, are changing very rapidly; what seems logical today may not seem so tomorrow (Gamble & Gamble, 2014).

Closely related to the concept of display rules is that of emotional labor which refers to the effort it takes to manage your emotional expression. Commonly applied to the workplace and to face-to-face communication, emotional labor refers to the

Your firm organized a contest in which all execu- tives had to present a proposal to help put your company on the fast track to growth. The prize is an all-expenses-paid holiday for two to an exotic desti- nation. Your managing director calls you to her office and informs you that you have won. You are ecstatic. How do you react?

a. Give her a hug.

b. Dance a victory jig right in front of her.

c. Grin from ear to ear and thank her.

d. Control your emotions and formally shake her hand.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Responding Emotionally (or Not)

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management of emotions between, say, customers and complaint department personnel or between a server and a diner (Hochschild, 1983).

Visualize yourself as a flight attendant dealing with passengers. Your smile, focused eye contact, and pleasant facial expression, all required by the airline, are examples of emotional labor. You have to work to express these emotions and also to con- ceal your voice of frustration, your expression of annoyance, and your scowling facial expression to hide the emotions you’re feeling. Emotional labor is certainly not limited to the workplace; it’s relevant to any and all interpersonal interactions whether face-to-face or online, whether verbal or nonverbal. In many (some might replace “many” with “all”) of your interpersonal interactions, you manage your emotional expression so as to, for example, communicate a favorable image (you hide emotions to appear in control), to protect the feelings of another person (you give a thumbs-up to a friend’s totally inane photo), and to comply with what is expected of you (you smile at the unreasonable customer).

The amount of emotional labor that you’ll have to expend to manage your emotions would depend on, for example, the strength of your emotions. If, for example, you are feeling extremely annoyed but have to act pleasantly, it’s going to be more difficult than if you are only mildly annoyed; strong emotions are more difficult to manage than weak emotions. The amount of labor will also depend on the display rules operating in the specific communicaton situation; some situations (whether workplace, family, friends, or strangers) are more accepting of the expression of negative emotions than are others. And, these display rules will be different for men and women, especially in a business setting. In many businesses, strong emotions—even negative ones—are more readily acceptable for men than for women. Crying, however, will be less acceptable for men than for women. These display rules are changing rapidly; in most cases, the changes are in the direction of increased sex-equality for emotional display.

Emotions Can Be Used Strategically Although you may at first think of emotional expression as honest reflections of what a person is feeling, emotions can be and often are used strategically. In strategic emotionality, emotions (for example, crying, ranting, screaming, and threatening to commit self-harm) are used for one’s personal ends. Such emotions can take a variety of forms and serve a variety of purposes. But the basic idea behind strategic emotionality is to control the situation or the other person. For example, in a conflict situation, emo- tions are often used to win. If someone cries enough and loud enough, the other person may just give in. It works for the baby who wants to be picked up, and it often works for the adult and enables the person to win the fight. This strategy is more likely to be used by members of individualist cultures that emphasize the winning of a conflict rather than compromise or negotiation (which would be more likely in collectivist cultures).

One frequent emotional strategy is emotional blackmail where there is a clear threat if the other person doesn’t comply: If you don’t do as I say, you’ll never see the kids again. If you see that person again, I’ll kill myself. Sometimes, the threat is never really stated but somehow you know that if your romantic breakup is not friendly, your social media contacts will all hear about it.

This strategy, which is essentially one of manipulation, often creates resentment and perhaps a desire to retaliate—neither of which is good for a relationship. Another

VIEWPOINT Emotional Labor

In dealing with emotional management, people employ one of two basic strategies (Hochschild, 1983). One strategy, called surface acting, is to control your outward display of emotions but continue to experience them internally. The other strategy, called deep acting, involves changing your feelings so that they are consistent with the emotional expressions that you’re required to display. What do you see as the advantages and disadvantages of each of theses strategies?

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negative outcome of this strategy is that the other person can never be sure how accurately his or her partner’s emotional displays reflect the partner’s true feelings, and this is likely to create communication prob- lems whenever emotions are involved. The effect of this lack of transpar- ency—of not knowing if one’s partner is trying to manipulate or if she or he is expressing strong and honest feelings—is likely to be greatest in intimate relationships, where these expressions are likely to have long- term effects.

Earlier we considered the fundamental attribution error in which too much emphasis is placed on internal factors (for example, personality) and too little emphasis is placed on external factors (for example, the workload) in explaining a person’s behavior. This is exactly what happens when the emotional behavior of men and women is “explained.” Specifi- cally, a woman’s anger was most often attributed to her personality (she’s unstable or out of control), whereas a man’s anger was more often attrib- uted to external factors (the report was inadequate or the work was late). As you can imagine, women’s anger was seen as unjustified, whereas men’s anger was judged justifiable (Kreamer, 2011).

Emotions Have Consequences Like all communications, emotions and emotional expression have con- sequences and affect your relationships in important ways. By revealing your emotions, you may create close bonds with others. At the same time, you may also scare people with too much and too intimate disclosure.

Revealing your emotions communicates important information about who you are and how you feel about those with whom you are communicating. If you talk about your loneliness, then you’re revealing important information about yourself and also expressing a confidence in the person with whom you’re talking. It also tells people what’s really important to you. Do realize that in revealing strongly felt emotions, you may be exposing vulnerabilities or weaknesses that conceivably could be used against you.

Emotions and emotional expression also affect your work life and, in fact, organiza- tions are devoting energy to dealing with workers’ emotion, trying to turn the negative into the positive. Among the most significant negative emotions experienced at work are frustration over feeling stuck in a rut; worry and anxiety over job security; anger over the actions or decisions of others; dislike of others you work with and for; and disappointment over your position, accomplishments, and prospects (Fisher, 1998). As you can see, all of these are unproductive from the point of view of management as well as for the individual.

Emotions May Be Adaptive and Maladaptive Emotions are often adaptive; that is, they can help you adjust appropriately to situa- tions. For example, if you feel anxious about not doing well on an exam, it may lead you to study harder. If you fear losing your partner, you may behave more supportively and lovingly. If you’re worried that someone might not like you, your worry may motivate you to be especially nice to the person. If you feel suspicious of someone following you down a dark street, you may take safety precautions. All of these situations are examples of emotions aiding you in accomplishing useful goals.

At other times, however, emotions may be maladaptive and may get in the way of your accomplishing your goals. For example, you may be so anxious about a test that you stop thinking and do more poorly than you would have if you walked in totally cold. Or you may fear losing your partner and, as a result, may become suspicious and accusatory, making your relationship even less likely to survive. In extreme cases,

VIEWPOINTS Crying On The Job

When workers cry on the job, the most frequent reason—for both men and women—is that stress from home spread into the workplace (Kreamer, 2011). What other reasons might account for crying (or wanting to cry) on the job? Will these reasons be different for men and women? How do you evaluate the crying of your male and female coworkers?

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emotional upset may lead to inflicting harm on oneself (as in cutting) or even commit- ting suicide. And, of course, computer programs are currently being designed to inves- tigate the ways and means to detect extreme emotional distress from the words people use in their social media communication. Certain words seem to suggest an intent to commit suicide, for example (Innis, 2013).

Another way in which emotions may create problems is in a tendency that some the- orists have cleverly called catastrophizing (or awfulizing): taking a problem—even a minor one—and making it into a catastrophe. For example, you may feel that “If I don’t do well on this test, I’ll never get into law school” or “If this relationship doesn’t work, I’m doomed.” As you convince yourself of these impending catastrophes, your emotional responses can easily get out of hand (Bach & Wyden, 1968; Willson & Branch, 2006).

The important point is that emotions can work for you or against you. And the same is true of emotional communication. Some of it is good and is likely to lead to positive outcomes (a more secure relationship or a more positive interaction, say). But some of it is bad and may aggravate a conflict, alienate friends, or lessen your relation- ship satisfaction. Or emotional communication may simply be thought inappropriate and thus give others a bad impression.

Emotions Are Contagious Emotional messages are often contagious (Cappella & Schreiber, 2006). If you’ve ever watched an infant and mother interacting, you can readily see how quickly the infant mimics the emotional expressions of the mother. If the mother smiles, the infant smiles; if the mother frowns, the infant frowns. As children get older, they begin to pick up subtler expressions of emotions. For example, children quickly identify and often mimic a parent’s anxiety or fear. Among college roommates, the depression of one roommate spread to the other over a period of just three weeks (Joiner, 1994). In short, in emotional contagion, emo- tions pass from one person to another. Women, research shows, are especially prone to this process (Cappella & Schreiber, 2006; Doherty, Orimoto, Singelis, Hatfield, & Hebb, 1995).

In conversation and in small groups, the strong emotions of one person can eas- ily prove contagious to others present; this can be productive when the emotions are productive, or it can be unproductive when the emotions are unproductive. Emotional

Appeals to motives are commonplace. For example, if you want a friend to take a vacation with you, you’re likely to appeal to motives such as the friend’s desire for fun and excitement, and perhaps to the friend’s hopes of meeting his or her true love. If you look at the advertisements for cruises and vacation packages, you’ll see appeals to very similar motives. Fear appeals also are common: persons who want to censor the Internet may appeal to your fear of children’s accessing pornographic materials; those who want to restrict media portrayals of violence may appeal to your fear of increased violence in your community. Advertis- ers appeal to your vanity and your desire for increased sexual attractiveness in selling you cosmetics and expensive clothing.

There can be no doubt that such motivational appeals are effective. But are they ethical?

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Motivational Appeals

Ethical Choice Point Suppose you wanted to dissuade your teenage children from engaging in sexual relationships. What would be some ethical ways of using motivational appeals? For example, would it be ethical to use emotional appeals to fear—to scare them so that they’d avoid such relationships? Would it be ethical to bribe them with money? Would it be ethical to threaten them with punishment?

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contagion applies to both happiness and depression; interacting with happy people is likely to increase your own happiness, and interacting with depressed peo- ple is likely to increase your own level of depression (Hamilton, 2011). Emotional contagion has even been proposed as a skill for both socializing and seduction (Amante, 2013).

One view of this process goes like this (Figure 7.3):

1. You perceive an emotional expression of another.

2. You mimic this emotional expression, perhaps unconsciously.

3. The feedback you get from expressing the emotion creates in you a replication of the other person’s feelings.

Emotional contagion also occurs in online interactions (Jain, 2010). For example, you are more likely (52 percent more likely) to experience loneliness if you have a direct network connection (say, with a best friend) who is also lonely. If the connection is between you and a friend of a friend of a friend, your likelihood of experiencing loneli- ness is only 15 percent more.

You see another variant of intentional emotional contagion in attempts at persua- sion that utilize emotional appeals. One popular appeal, which organizations use fre- quently in fund-raising for needy children, is to the emotion of pity. By showing you images of hungry and destitute children, these fund-raisers hope to get you to experi- ence so much pity that you’ll help finance their efforts. Similarly, people who beg for money often emphasize their difficulties in an effort to evoke pity and donations.

Emotional contagion also seems the goal of certain organizational display rules. For example, a company may require (or at least expect) that the sales force cheer enthu- siastically as each new product is unveiled. This cheering is extremely useful and is likely to make the sales representatives more enthusiastic about and more emotionally committed to the product than if they didn’t engage in this cheering.

Another popular appeal is to guilt. If someone does something for you, he or she may try to make you feel guilty unless you do something in return. Or someone may present him- or herself as in desperate need of money and make you feel guilty for having what you have and not sharing it. Sometimes people encourage others to feel guilty to make them more easily manipulated. If you can make a person feel guilty for having a great deal of money while others have little, you are on the road to persuading the person to give some of that money away.

Table 7.1 summarizes the principles of emotions and emotional communication. With these principles of emotions and emotional expression as a foundation, we can now look at some of the obstacles to effective emotional expression.

Figure 7.3 Emotional Contagion

This figure depicts the process of emotional contagion as explained in the text. Another view of emotional contagion, however, holds that the process is under more conscious control. That is, you look at others who are expressing emotions to see how you should be feeling—you take nonverbal cues from those you observe—and then feel the feeling you believe you should be feeling. Which view seems more satisfying?

VIEWPOINTS Positive And Negative Affect

People react positively to the positive expressions of others and negatively to negative expressions (Monahan, 1998; Sommers, 1984). But it’s not always easy to determine how others will perceive an emotion; for example, jealousy, although a negative emotion, may be perceived positively, as a sign that you really care (Metts & Planalp, 2002). What rule(s) do you follow in deciding whether to express your positive and your negative emotions?

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Obstacles to Communicating Emotions 7.2 Identify the major obstacles that could prevent the effective communication of

emotions.

The expression of feelings is part of most meaningful relationships. Yet it’s often very difficult. Four major obstacles stand in the way of effective emotional communication: (1) personality factors, (2) inadequate interpersonal skills, (3) society’s rules and cus- toms, and (4) fear. Let’s look more closely at each of these barriers.

Personality Factors Your personality influences the emotions you feel, the extent to which you feel them, and, perhaps most important for our purposes, the ways in which you express or con- ceal these emotions and the way you respond to the emotions of others. And, in some case, personality factors can set up obstacles for both expressing and responding to the emotions of others.

Extroverted people, for example, experience more positive emotions and are more competent in expressing the emotions than are those who are more introverted. Those who have neurotic tendencies are more likely to experience more negative emotions. Similarly, those who score high on openness to varied experiences, agreeableness, and conscientiousness (in addition to extroversion) are more effective in expressing and in responding to the emotions of others (Nawi, Redzuan, & Hamsan, 2012).

Another important factor is the degree to which you experience communication apprehension. Some people have little apprehension about communicating, say, in pub- lic speaking while others have a great deal. The same is true when it comes to emotions. Some people have little apprehension or anxiety about expressing their emotions while others experience a great deal of apprehension and anxiety.

Inadequate Interpersonal Skills Perhaps the most important obstacle to effective emotional communication is lack of interpersonal skills. Many people simply don’t know how to express their feelings. Some people, for example, can express anger only through violence or avoidance. Oth- ers can deal with anger only by blaming and accusing others. And many people cannot express love. They literally cannot say, “I love you.”

Expressing negative feelings is doubly difficult. Many of us suppress or fail to com- municate negative feelings for fear of offending the other person or making matters worse. But failing to express negative feelings will probably not help the relationship, especially if these feelings are concealed frequently and over a long time.

Both communicating your emotions and responding appropriately to the emotional expressions of others are as important as they are difficult (Burleson, 2003). And to

Principle Comments

Emotions occur in stages. Different theories have been offered to explain the stages.

Emotions may be primary or blended. Primary emotions are joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipa- tion; blended emotions are combinations of these.

Emotions involve both body and mind. You not only feel emotions bodily but you also think about them.

Emotional expression uses multiple channels. Verbal and nonverbal channels all come into play here.

Emotional expression is governed by display rules. Cultures prescribe rules for the expression of emotions.

Emotions can be used strategically. Like any form of communication, emotional expression can be used strategically.

Emotions have consequences. Emotions and emotional expression, like any message, has consequences.

Emotions may be adaptive and maladaptive. Not all emotions are good; not all emotions are bad.

Emotions are contagious. Emotions spread easily.

Table 7.1 In a Nutshell Principles of Emotions and Emotional Expression

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complicate matters further, emotional expression can be good and also bad, as noted in the self-test earlier in this chapter. On the one hand, expressing emotions can be cathar- tic to you. And, if appropriate communication is used, emotional expression, even of negative emotions, may actually benefit a relationship (Bloch, 2013). Expressing emo- tions can also help you air dissatisfactions and perhaps reduce or even eliminate them. Through emotional expression, you can come to understand each other better, which may lead to a closer and more meaningful relationship.

On the other hand, expressing emotions may cause relationship difficulties. For example, expressing your dislike of a colleague’s customary way of answering the phone may generate hostility; expressing jealousy when your partner spends time with friends may cause your partner to fear being controlled and losing autonomy.

Societal and Cultural Customs If you grew up in the United States, you probably learned that many people frown on emotional expression. This attitude is especially prevalent in men and has been aptly called the “cowboy syndrome,” after a pattern of behavior seen in old Westerns on film and television (Balswick & Peck, 1971). The cowboy syndrome characterizes the closed and unexpressive male. This man is strong but silent. He never feels any of the softer emotions (such as compassion, love, or contentment). He would never ever cry, experi- ence fear, or feel sorry for himself.

Unfortunately, many men grow up trying to live up to this unrealistic image. It’s a syndrome that prevents open and honest expression. Boys are taught early in life not to cry and not to be “babies” if hurt. All of this is not to suggest that men should com- municate their emotions more openly. Unfortunately, there are many who will nega- tively evaluate men who express emotions openly and often; such men may be judged ineffective, insecure, or unmanly. In fact, some research shows that the reason men are reluctant to provide sensitive emotional support—to the degree that women do, for example—is that men don’t want their behavior to be seen as feminine (Burleson, Holmstrom, & Gilstrap, 2005).

Nor are women exempt from restraints on emotional expression. At one time, our society permitted and encouraged women to express emotions openly. The tide now is turning, especially for women in executive and managerial positions. Today the executive woman is being forced into the same cowboy syndrome. She is not allowed to cry or to show any of the once acceptable “soft” emotions. She is especially denied these feelings while she is on the job. As noted earlier, gender display rules are chang- ing rapidly.

And, of course, organizations have their own cultural norms for the expression of emotions. For example, in many organizations, employees are expected to pretend to be

cheerful even when they are not and generally to display some emotions and to hide others. Differ- ences between the emotions you feel and the emo- tions you express can create emotional dissonance, which in turn can lead to stress (Remland, 2006).

For both men and women, the best advice (as with any of the characteristics of communication effectiveness discussed in this text) is to express your emotions selectively. Carefully weigh the arguments for and against expressing your emo- tions. Consider the situation, the people you’re with, the emotions themselves, and all of the ele- ments that make up the communication act. And, most important, consider your choices for commu- nicating emotions—not only what you’ll say but also how you’ll say it.

VIEWPOINTS Expressiveness

Marie and Dave have been married for several years. Marie is extremely expressive, yelling one minute, crying the next. By comparison, Dave is nonexpressive. This difference is now causing problems. Dave feels Marie reacts impulsively without thinking her feelings through; Marie feels Dave is unwilling to share his emotional life with her. What skills do Marie and Dave need to learn?

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Fear A variety of types of fear stand in the way of emotional expression. This is true for both men and women but more so for men, who have greater difficulty expressing emotions (Zakowski et al., 2003). Emotional expression exposes a part of you that makes you vulner- able to attack. For example, if you express your love for another person, you risk being rejected. When you expose a weakness, you can more easily be hurt by uncaring or insensitive others. Of course, you may also fear hurting someone else by, say, voicing your feelings about past loves. Or you may be angry and want to say something but fear that you might hurt the person and then feel guilty yourself.

In addition, you may avoid revealing your emotions for fear of causing a conflict. Expressing your dislike for Pat’s friends, for example, may create difficulties for the two of you, and you may not be willing to risk the argument and its aftermath. Because of fears such as these, you may deny to others and perhaps even to yourself that you have certain feelings. In fact, this kind of denial is the way many people were taught to deal with emotions.

As you can appreciate, fear can be adaptive; it may lead you to avoid saying things you may be sorry for later. It may lead you

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Flexibility: The Ability to Change Communication Patterns to Suit the Situation

• See uniqueness. Realize that no two situations or people are exactly alike; consider what is different about this situa- tion or person and take these differences into consideration as you construct your messages.

• See the context. Recognize that communication always takes place in a context; discover what that unique context is and ask yourself how it might influence your messages. Communicating bad news during a joyous celebration, for example, needs to be handled quite differently from commu- nicating good news.

• See change. Become aware of the constant change in people and in things. Everything is in a state of flux. Even if the way you communicated last month was effective, that doesn’t mean it will be effective today or tomorrow. Realize too that sudden changes (the death of a lover or a serious illness) influence what are and what are not appropriate messages.

• See choices. Appreciate the fact that every situation offers you different options for communicating. Consider these options and try to predict the effects each option might have.

Working with Flexibility Try applying the suggestions offered here to increase your flexibility in any of the following situations: (1) you’re assisting a teacher in a ninth-grade class known for being especially difficult, (2) you’re leading a work team designed to find ways to increase worker morale, or (3) you’re responding to some negative comments on your Facebook wall.

Before reading about flexibility, consider the extent to which you hold beliefs such as those in the list.

• People should be spontaneous in conversation.

• People who are angry should say nothing rather than say something they will be sorry for later.

• People should listen supportively.

• People in a long-term relationship should be totally honest.

Although each of these statements seems reasonable, a simple “sometimes” should preface each of them (Hart, Carlson, & Eadie, 1980; Martin & Rubin, 1994). For example, although you might want to be spontaneous with a group of friends, you might want more rehearsed responses when inter- viewing for a job. Flexibility, then, is a quality of interpersonal effectiveness that enables you to interact in different ways depending on the situation.

As you can appreciate, flexibility is especially important when communicating your feelings, be they positive or neg- ative, because it’s in times of emotional arousal that you’re likely to forget the varied choices you have available. And, of course, this is exactly the time when you need to consider your choices. The greater your flexibility, the more likely you’ll be to see the varied choices you do have for communicating in any situation.

Communicating with Flexibility Here are a few ways to cultivate interpersonal flexibility.

A colleague at work has revealed to other workers personal information about your relationship problems that you confided in him and him alone. You’re steam- ing as you pass a group of colleagues commenting on these relationship problems. What might be an effec- tive way of dealing with this situation?

a. Say nothing now, but talk later to the one who betrayed you in private.

b. Confront the group, saying, for example, “Yes, I did XYZ, but I told Chris in confidence; it wasn’t something I was comfortable with everyone knowing.”

c. “Well, that’s what happens when you trust someone with personal information and are betrayed.”

d. “Watch out; you’re next on the betrayal list.”

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Responding to Betrayal

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to consider more carefully whether you should express yourself and how you might do it. But when it debilitates you and contradicts what logic and reason might tell you, then the fear becomes maladaptive.

Table 7.2 summarizes these varied obstacles to effective emotional communication.

Emotional Competence 7.3 Summarize the guidelines for emotional competence in expressing and

responding to emotions.

Much as emotions are part of your psychological life, emotional expression is part of your interpersonal life; it is not something you could avoid even if you wanted to. In specific cases, you may decide to hide your emotions and not express them, but in other cases, you’ll want to express your emotions and this calls for what we might call emotional com- petence, the skills for expressing your emotions and responding to the emotions of others.

Before expressing or responding to emotions, however, you’ll want to increase your self-awareness about your feelings (Stein & Book, 2011; Joseph, 2013). Ask yourself a few pertinent questions:

• “What am I feeling, and what made me feel this way?” That is, understand your emotions. Think about your emotions as objectively as possible. Identify, in terms as specific as possible, the antecedent conditions that may be influencing your feel- ings. Try to answer the question, “Why am I feeling this way?” or “What happened to lead me to feel as I do?”

• “What exactly do I want to communicate?” Consider also whether your emotional expression will be a truthful expression of your feelings. When emotional expres- sions are faked—when, for example, you smile though feeling angry or say, “I for- give you” when you don’t—you may actually be creating emotional and physical stress (Grandey, 2000). Remember, too, the irreversibility of communication; once you communicate something, you cannot take it back.

• “What are my communication choices?” Evaluate your communication options in terms of both effectiveness (what will work best and help you achieve your goal) and ethics (what is right or morally justified).

With this increased understanding let’s consider the two essential parts of emo- tional communication: emotional expression and emotional responding.

Emotional Expression Here are a few guidelines for this special type of communication and a special case illustration to clarify the role of emotional expression.

Guidelines for Emotional Expression Although each situation is different, the fol- lowing guidelines should prove useful in most cases.

Obstacles Reasons

Personality Your degree of extroversion and apprehension, for example, will often pose an obstacle.

Inadequate Interpersonal Skills The lack of skills creates doubt about how to express emotions.

Social and Cultural Customs Societies and cultures have different rules and customs for display- ing emotions.

Fear Fear of causing a conflict or of losing control can inhibit emotional expression.

Table 7.2 In a Nutshell Obstacles to Emotional Expression

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• Be specific. Consider, for example, the frequently heard, “I feel bad.” Does it mean, “I feel guilty” (because I lied to my best friend)? “I feel lonely” (because I haven’t had a date in the last two months)? “I feel depressed” (because I failed that last exam)? Specificity helps. Describe also the intensity with which you feel the emo- tion: “I feel so angry I’m thinking of quitting the job.” “I feel so hurt I want to cry.” Also describe any mixed feelings you might have. Very often feelings are a mixture of several emotions, sometimes even of conflicting emotions. Learn the vocabulary (as well as the usefulness of smiley faces and emoticons) to describe your emotions and feelings in specific and concrete terms.

• Describe the reasons you’re feeling as you are. “I’m feeling guilty because I was unfaithful.” “I feel lonely; I haven’t had a date for the last two months.” “I’m really depressed from failing that last exam.” If your feelings were influenced by some- thing the person you’re talking to did or said, describe this also. For example, “I felt so angry when you said you wouldn’t help me.” “I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the party.”

• Address mixed feelings. If you have mixed feelings—and you really want the other person to understand you—then address these mixed or conflicting feelings. “I want so much to stay with Pat and yet I fear I’m losing my identity.” Or “I feel anger and hatred, but at the same time I feel guilty for what I did.”

• In expressing feelings—inwardly or outwardly—try to anchor your emotions in the present. Coupled with specific description and the identification of the rea- sons for your feelings, such statements might look like this: “I feel like a failure right now; I’ve erased this computer file three times today.” “I felt foolish when I couldn’t think of that formula.” “I feel stupid when you point out my grammati- cal errors.”

• Ask for what you want. Depending on the emotions you’re feeling, you may want the listener to assume a certain role or just listen or offer advice. Let the listener know what you want. Use I-messages to describe what, if anything, you want the listener to do: “I’m feeling sorry for myself right now; just give me some space. I’ll give you a call in a few days.” Or, more directly: “I’d prefer to be alone right now.” Or “I need advice.” Or “I just need someone to listen to me.”

• Respect emotional boundaries. Each person has a different level of tolerance for communication about emotions or communication that’s emotional. Be especially alert to nonverbal cues that signal that boundaries are near to being broken. It’s often useful simply to ask, “Would you rather change the subject?” At the same time, realize that you also have a certain tolerance for revealing your own feelings as well as for listening to and responding to the emotions of others.

• Own your feelings; take personal responsibility for your feelings. Consider the fol- lowing statements: “You make me angry.” “You make me feel like a loser.” “You make me feel stupid.” “You make me feel like I don’t belong here.” In each of these statements, the speaker blames the other person for the way he or she is feeling. Of course, you know, on more sober reflection, that no one can make you feel anything. Others may do things or say things to you, but it is you who interpret them and give them meaning. That is, you develop feelings as a result of the interaction between what people say and your own interpretations.

Table 7.3 presents a list of terms for describing your emotions verbally. As you can appreciate, the more accurate you are in describing your emotions, the better the chances are that you’ll be understood as you want to be and the better the chances are that others will be able to respond appropriately. The table is based on the eight primary emotions identified by Plutchik and referred to in Figure 7.2. Notice that the terms included for each basic emotion provide you with lots of choices for expressing the intensity level you’re feeling. For example, if you’re extremely fearful, then terror or

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dread might be appropriate, but if your fear is mild, then perhaps apprehension or concern might be a more appropriate term.

Owning feelings means acknowledging that your feelings are your feelings. The best way to own your statements is to use I-messages. With I-messages, the statement “you make me angry” and “you make me feel like a loser” would look more like these: “I get angry when you come home late without calling” and “I begin to think of myself as a loser when you criticize me in front of my friends.” Or, “I feel so stupid when you use medical terms that I don’t understand” and “When you ignore me in public, I feel like I don’t belong here.”

As you can see, I-messages differ greatly from you-messages in several important ways:

• Description versus evaluation I-messages describe your feelings, whereas you- messages evaluate (negatively) another’s behavior.

• Acknowledgment of responsibility versus blaming others I-messages acknowledge responsibility for your feelings, whereas you-messages shift the responsibility to someone else, usually in a blaming kind of way.

• Preserving versus attacking positive and negative face I-messages preserve both positive and negative face, whereas you-messages attack the person for some wrongdoing (thus attacking positive face and the person’s self-image) and also imply that this person needs to do something about it (thus attacking negative face and the person’s autonomy). I-messages don’t attack the person or demand that the person change his or her behavior.

• Openness versus withdrawal I-messages encourage openness, whereas you- messages encourage defensiveness and a withdrawal from interpersonal interaction. No one wants to be attacked, and withdrawal is a common response.

Table 7.4 provides a comparison of effective and ineffective emotional expression.

Handling Anger: A Special Case Illustration As a kind of summary of the guidelines for expressing your emotions, this section looks at anger. Anger is one of the eight basic emotions identified in Plutchik’s model (Figure 7.2). It’s also an emotion that can create considerable problems if not managed properly.

Basic Emotion Synonyms Antonyms

Joy Happiness, bliss, cheer, contentment, delight, ecstasy, enchantment, enjoyment, felicity, rapture, gratification, pleasure, satisfaction, well-being

Anger, depression, gloom, misery, pain, sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, woe, grief, upset

Trust Confidence, belief, hope, assurance, faith, reliance, certainty, credence, certitude, conviction

Distrust, disbelief, mistrust, uncertainty

Fear Anxiety, apprehension, awe, concern, consternation, dread, fright, misgiving, phobia, trepidation, worry, qualm, terror

Courage, fearlessness, heroism, unconcern, bravery

Surprise Amazement, astonishment, awe, bewilderment, eye-opener, incredulity, jolt, revelation, shock, unexpectedness, wonder, startle, catch off-guard, unforeseen

Expectation, assurance, confidence, intention, likelihood, possibility, prediction, surmise

Sadness Dejection, depression, distress, grief, loneliness, melancholy, misery, sorrow, unhappiness

Happiness, gladness, joy, cheer, delight, enjoyment, pleasure, euphoria, gaiety

Disgust Abhorrence, aversion, loathing, repugnance, repulsion, revulsion, sickness, nausea, offensiveness

Admiration, desire, esteem, fondness, liking, love, reverence, respect

Anger Acrimony, annoyance, bitterness, displeasure, exasperation, fury, ire, irritation, outrage, rage, resentment, umbrage, wrath, hostility

Calmness, contentment, enjoyment, peace, joy, pleasantness

Anticipation Contemplation, prospect, forward-looking, expectancy, hope, foresight, expectation, foreboding, forecast, forethought

Unreadiness, doubt, uncertainty, ambiguity, disinterest

Table 7.3 Verbal Expressions of Emotion

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Anger varies from mild annoyance to intense rage; increases in pulse rate and blood pressure usually accompany these feelings. Of all the emotions, anger is the one most likely to go viral on the Internet (Fan, Zhao, Chen, & Xu, 2013; Popkin, 2013).

Anger is not always necessarily bad. In fact, anger may help you protect yourself, energizing you to fight or flee. Often, however, anger does prove destructive—as when, for example, you allow it to obscure reality or to become an obsession.

Anger doesn’t just happen; you make it happen by your interpretation of events. Yet life events can contribute mightily. There are the road repairs that force you to detour so you wind up late for an important appointment. There are the moths that attack your favorite sweater. There’s the water leak that ruins your carpet. People, too, can contribute to your anger: the driver who tailgates, the clerk who overcharges you, the supervisor who ignores your contributions to the company. But it is you who inter- pret these events and people in ways that stimulate you to anger.

Writing over 100 years ago, Charles Darwin observed in his The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals (1872), “The free expression by outside signs of an emo- tion intensifies it . . . the repression, as far as this is possible, of all outside signs softens our emotions. He who gives way to violent gestures will increase his rage.” Popular psychology ignored Darwin’s implied admonition in the 1960s and 1970s, when the suggested prescription for dealing with anger was to “let it all hang out” and “tell it like it is.” Express your anger, many people advised, or risk its being bottled up and eventually exploding. This idea, called the ventilation hypothesis, holds that express- ing emotions allows you to ventilate your negative feelings and that this has a beneficial effect on your physical health, your mental well-being, and even your interpersonal relationships (Kennedy-Moore & Watson, 1999; Spett, 2004).

Later thinking has returned to Darwin, however, and suggests that venting anger may not be the best strategy (Tavris, 1989). Expressing anger doesn’t get rid of it but makes it grow: angry expression increases anger, which promotes more angry expression, which increases anger, and on and on. Some support for this idea that expressing emotions makes them stronger comes from a study that compared (a) participants who felt emotions such as happiness and anger with (b) participants who both felt and expressed these emotions. The results of the study indicated that people who felt and expressed the emotions became emotionally aroused faster than did those who only felt the emotion (Hess, Kappas, McHugo, et al., 1992). And, of course, this spiral of anger can make conflicts all the more serious and all the more difficult to manage.

Anger communication is not angry communication. In fact, it might be argued that the communication of anger ought to be especially calm and dispassionate. Here, then,

Ineffective Emotional Expression Effective Emotional Expression

General; talks about emotions and feelings in general terms and without specifics.

Specific; talks about emotions with specific terms and with specific examples and behavioral references.

Ignores reasons; mindlessly accepts emotions without trying to discover their causes.

Describes reasons; seeks to understand the causes of emotions.

Ignores mixed feelings; is more strategic than open. Addresses mixed feelings; is honest and open.

Past focused; concentrates on past feelings (perhaps as a way to avoid focusing on present feelings).

Present focused; concentrates on the here and now, on current feelings.

Expect mindreading; and then get angry when you’re not read correctly.

Asks for what you want, but respects the other’s need for positive and negative face.

Ignores or fails to see boundary signals. Respects boundaries and doesn’t burden those who may not be ready to hear these feelings.

Lacks ownership; attributes feelings to others—“You made me angry,” “you hurt me,” “you don’t love me.”

Owns one’s feelings and their expressions, for example, “I feel angry,” “I’m hurt,” “I don’t feel loved.”

Table 7.4 Effective and Ineffective Emotional Expression

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are a few suggestions for communicating your anger in a nonangry way (DeVito, 2003b):

• Get ready to communicate calmly and logically. Relax. Breathe deeply. Think pleasant thoughts. Tell yourself to “take it easy,” “think rationally,” and “calm down.” Get rid of any unrealistic ideas you may have that might contribute to your anger. For example, ask yourself if this person’s revealing something about your past to a third party is really all that serious or was it really intended to hurt you.

• Examine your communication choices. In most situations, you’ll have a range of choices. There are lots of different ways to express yourself, so don’t jump to the first possibility that comes to mind. Assess your options for the form of the communication—should you communicate face-to-face? By e-mail? By telephone? Simi- larly, assess your options for the timing of your communication, for the specific words and gestures you might use, for the physical setting, and so on.

• Consider the advantages of delaying the expression of anger. For example, consider writing the e-mail but sending it to yourself, at least until the next morning. Then the options of revising it or not sending it at all will still be open to you.

• Remember that different cultures have different display rules— norms for what is and what is not appropriate to display. Assess the culture you’re in as well as the cultures of the other people involved, especially these cultures’ display rules for communicat- ing anger.

• Apply the relevant skills of interpersonal communication. For example, be specific, use I-messages, avoid allness, avoid polarized terms, and in general communicate with all the competence you can muster.

• Recall the irreversibility of communication. Once you say something, you’ll not be able to erase or delete it from the mind of the other person.

These suggestions are not going to solve the problems of road rage, gang warfare, or domestic violence. Yet they may help—a bit—in reducing some of the negative con- sequences of anger and perhaps even some of the anger itself.

A somewhat different view of emotional competence would be emotional happi- ness; after all, if you’re emotionally competent, it should contribute to your individual happiness, a topic addressed in Table 7.5. The table offers a few “dos” (but with quali- fications) for achieving emotional satisfaction, contentment, and happiness.

Do But

Think positively. Don’t be a Pollyanna; don’t gloss over problems.

Associate with positive people. Don’t avoid others because they have different ideas or back- grounds; you’ll miss out on a lot.

Do what you enjoy. Don’t forget your responsibilities or ignore obligations.

Talk about your feelings. Don’t substitute talk for action or talk too much.

Imagine yourself positively. Don’t become egotistical; after all, we all have faults and these need to be addressed if we’re to improve.

Think logically; keep emotions in perspective.

Don’t ignore the crucial role that emotions and emotional expression often play in interpersonal communication.

Table 7.5 Emotional Happiness

VIEWPOINTS Displaying Strong Emotions

Some societies permit and even expect men (but not women) to show strong emotions such as anger. What has your culture taught you about the expression of anger and particularly about gender differences in the expression of anger?

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Emotional Responding Expressing your feelings is only half of the process of emotional communication; the other half is listening and responding to the feelings of others. As with emotional expres- sion, we first consider some general guidelines and then offer a specific case illustration.

Guidelines for Emotional Responding Like emotional expression, each situation call- ing for emotional responding will be different from every other situation. Nevertheless, a few general principles should prove useful most of the time and in most situations.

• Look at nonverbal cues to understand the individual’s feelings. For example, overly long pauses, frequent hesitations, eye contact avoidance, or excessive fidgeting may be a sign of discomfort that might be wise to talk about. Similarly, look for incon- sistent messages, as when someone says, “Everything is okay” while expressing facial sadness; these are often clues to mixed feelings. But be sure to use any verbal or nonverbal cues as hypotheses, never as conclusions. Check your perceptions before acting on them. Treat inferences as inferences and not as facts.

• Look for cues about what the person wants you to do. Sometimes all the person wants is for someone to listen. Don’t equate (as the stereotypical male supposedly does) “responding to another’s feelings” with “solving the other person’s prob- lems.” Instead, provide a supportive atmosphere that encourages the person to express his or her feelings.

• Use active listening techniques. These will encourage the person to talk should he or she wish to. Paraphrase the speaker. Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings. Ask questions as appropriate.

• Empathize. See the situation from the point of view of the speaker. Don’t evaluate the other person’s feelings. For example, comments such as, “Don’t cry; it wasn’t worth it” or “You’ll get promoted next year” can easily be interpreted to mean, “Your feelings are wrong or inappropriate.”

• Focus on the other person. Interjecting your own similar past situations is often useful for showing your understanding, but it may create problems if it refocuses the conversation away from the other person. Show interest by encouraging the person to explore his or her feelings. Use simple encouragers like “I see” or “I understand.” Or ask questions to let the speaker know that you’re listening and that you’re interested.

• Remember the irreversibility of communication. Whether expressing emotion or responding to the emotions of others, it’s useful to recall the irreversibility of commu- nication. You won’t be able to take back an insensitive or disconfirming response. Responses to another’s emotional expressions are likely to have considerable impact, so be especially mindful to avoid inappropriate responding.

Communicating with the Grief-Stricken: A Special Case Illustration Communicating with people who are experi- encing grief, a common but difficult type of communication interaction, requires special care (Zunin & Zunin, 1991). Con- sideration of this topic will also offer a useful recap of some of the principles of responding to the emotions of others.

A person may experience grief because of illness or death, the loss of a job or highly valued relationship (such as a friend- ship or romantic breakup), the loss of certain physical or men- tal abilities, the loss of material possessions (a house fire or stock losses), or the loss of some ability (for example, the loss of the ability to have children or to play the piano). Each situation seems to call for a somewhat different set of dos and don’ts.

VIEWPOINTS Responding To Grief

Can you recall a situation in which you interacted with someone who was experiencing grief, but for some reason you didn’t communicate very effectively? Did you violate any of the suggestions identified here? What would you do differently if this situation occurred today?

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When people experience grief, they normally go through five stages, identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) in On Death and Dying. This five-stage model is not necessarily followed by everyone, nor does everyone go through the five stages in neat order—there can be overlap in the stages. One stage doesn’t necessarily end before the next stage occurs. Kubler-Ross developed this model from her work with cancer patients who were confronting their own impend- ing deaths. But it has been applied more widely to anyone experienc- ing grief, whether because of one’s own illness, because of the illness or death of a loved one, or to relationship breakups—to the loss of an important friendship or romantic partner (Kromberg, 2013).

Stage 1 Denial When someone close to you dies or is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, a first reaction is often to deny what happened. Maybe there was a mistake in the diagnosis; maybe there is still hope.

Stage 2 Anger As the denial fades, you confront reality and become angry. The object of your anger varies—perhaps you become angry at the person who died for leaving you alone—an irrational belief but a common one nev- ertheless. Or you might direct your anger at the doctor or hospital for not detecting the illness at a stage when it could have been cured.

Stage 3 Bargaining For religious people, this stage often takes the form of making a deal with God—perhaps to stop drinking, perhaps to be more generous toward the poor, perhaps to contribute money for some religious purpose. Almost invariably it is a promise to be a better person and to do good works.

Stage 4 Depression Perhaps the stage you think about most often when you think of grief is depression—for the loss or impending loss of someone you love. Or you might feel sorry that you didn’t spend more time with this person or didn’t do what you could have to make the person’s life a better one.

Stage 5 Acceptance At this stage you come to terms with your loss. You accept its inevitability and eventuality. This is not a stage of happiness or joy, just accep- tance of reality.

Consider, for example, the following expression of sympathy:

I just heard that Harry died—I mean—passed away. Excuse me. I’m so sorry. We all are. I know exactly how you feel. But, you know, it’s for the best. I mean the man was suffering. I remember seeing him last month; he could hardly stand up, he was so weak. And he looked so sad, so lonely, so depressed. He must have been in constant pain. It’s better this way; believe me. He’s at peace now. And you’ll get over it. You’ll see. Time heals all wounds. It was the same way with me and you know how close we were. I mean we were devoted to each other. Everyone said we were the closest pair they ever saw. And I got over it. So, how about we’ll go to dinner tonight? We’ll talk about old times. Come on. Come on. Don’t be a spoilsport. I really need to get out. I’ve been in the house all week and you know what a drag that can be. So, do it for me; come to dinner. I won’t take no for an answer; I’ll pick you up at seven.

Obviously, this is not the way to talk to the grief-stricken. In fact, this paragraph was written to illustrate several popular mistakes that the following guidelines address. After you read these guidelines, you may wish to return to this “expression of sympa- thy,” reanalyze it, and rework it into an effective expression of sympathy.

• Confirm the other person and the person’s emotions. A simple, “You must be wor- ried about finding another position” or “You must be feeling very alone right now”

Your cousin has spent five traumatic years looking after his mother, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s. He is grief stricken when she passes away. What might you say to console him?

a. Tell him that he is finally free from a big responsibility and can now do what he wants in life.

b. Hug him and share his sorrow.

c. Sit by his side.

d. Help him with the funeral arrangements.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Communicating with the Grief Stricken

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confirms the person’s feelings. This type of expressive support lessens feelings of grief (Reed, 1993).

• Choose the appropriate channel of communication. Today, it’s very easy to send a note of sympathy on Facebook or through email but, although quick and easy, this may not be the appropriate means of communication (Feiler, 2016). It really depends on the unique situation and especially on your relationship with the per- son. The closer you are to the grieving individual, the more intimate the form of communication should be. So, if you’re close, a phone call or a face-to-face visit, for example, might be more appropriate than a simple post.

• Give the person permission to grieve. Let the person know that it’s acceptable and okay with you if he or she grieves in the ways that feel most comfortable—for example, crying or talking about old times. Don’t try to change the subject or interject too often. As long as the person is talking and seems to be feeling better for it, be supportive.

• Avoid trying to focus on the bright side. Avoid expressions such as, “You’re lucky you have some vision left” or “It’s better this way; Pat was suffering so much.” These expressions may easily be seen as telling people that their feelings should be redirected, that they should be feeling something different.

• Encourage the person to express feelings and talk about the loss. Most people will welcome this opportunity. On the other hand, don’t try to force people to talk about experiences or feelings they may not be willing to share.

• Be especially sensitive to leave-taking cues. Behaviors such as fidgeting or looking at a clock and statements such as “It’s getting late” or “We can discuss this later” are hints that the other person is ready to end the conversation. Don’t overstay your welcome.

• Let the person know you care and are available. Saying you’re sorry is a simple but effective way to let the person know you care. Express your empathy; let the grief-stricken person know that you can feel (to some extent) what he or she is going through. But don’t assume that your feelings, however empathic you are, are the same in depth or in kind. At the same time, let the person know that you are available—“If you ever want to talk, I’m here” or “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

Even when you follow the principles and do everything according to the book, you may find that your comments are not appreciated or are not at all effective in helping the person feel any better. Use these cues to help you readjust your messages.

Table 7.6 provides a brief summary of the two competencies and their respective strategies.

Competencies Strategies

Expressing • Be specific.

• Describe why you feel as you do.

• Address any mixed feelings.

• Focus on the present.

• Ask for what you want.

• Respect emotional boundaries.

• Own your feelings.

Responding • Pay attention to nonverbal cues.

• Seek cues about what the person wants.

• Listen actively.

• Empathize.

• Focus on the other person.

• Remember the irreversibility of communication.

Table 7.6 In a Nutshell Emotional Competence

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Key Terms

Summary

This chapter explored the nature and principles of emotions in interpersonal communication, the obstacles to meaningful emotional communication, and some guidelines that will help you com- municate your feelings and respond to the feelings of others more effectively.

Principles of Emotions and Emotional Messages 7.1 Describe the principles of emotions and emotional

expression.

1. Emotions occur in stages.

2. Emotions may be primary or blends. The primary emotions, according to Robert Plutchik, are joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipa- tion. Other emotions, such as love, awe, contempt, and aggressiveness, are blends of primary emotions.

3. Emotions consist of both a physical part (our physi- ological reactions) and a cognitive part (our interpre- tations of our feelings).

4. Emotions use multiple communication channels.

5. Emotional expression depends greatly on the display rules the individual is expected to follow.

6. Emotions may be used strategically.

7. Emotions and their expressions have consequences.

8. Emotions may be adaptive or maladaptive.

9. Emotions are often contagious.

Obstacles to Communicating Emotions 7.2 Identify the major obstacles that could prevent the

effective communication of emotions.

10. Personality factors such as introversion and apprehension may prevent meaningful emotional communication.

11. Societal and cultural customs may have taught you that emotional expression is inappropriate.

12. Fear of exposing weaknesses or causing a conflict may inhibit your emotional expression.

13. Inadequate interpersonal skills may make you feel unsure or hesitant, so you might withdraw.

Emotional Competence 7.3 Summarize the guidelines for emotional competence

in expressing and responding to emotions.

14. Understand what you are feeling and what made you feel this way.

15. Formulate a communication goal; what exactly do you want to accomplish when expressing emotions?

16. Identify your communication choices and evaluate them.

17. Describe your feelings as specifically as possible, identify the reasons for your feelings, address mixed feelings, anchor your feelings and their expression in the present time, ask for what you want, respect emotional boundaries, and own your feelings.

18. Look for cues to understand the person’s feelings. Listen for what is said and not said; look at the non- verbals, especially those that don’t match the verbals.

19. Look for cues about what the person wants you to do. Don’t assume the person wants you to solve his or her problem.

20. Use active listening techniques. Paraphrase, express understanding, and ask questions as appropriate.

21. Empathize. See the situation from the other person’s perspective. Ask yourself what the other person may be feeling.

22. Focus on the other person. Avoid interpreting the situation from your own experiences.

23. Remember the irreversibility of communication. Once said, messages can’t be erased, mentally or emotionally.

anger communication anger blended emotions cognitive labeling theory display rules emotional appeals emotional blackmail

emotional communication emotional contagion emotional labor emotions flexibility gender display rules I-messages

James–Lange theory owning feelings primary emotions strategic emotionality ventilation hypothesis

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Conversational Messages CHAPTER EIGHT

Chapter Topics Principles of Conversation

Conversational Disclosure

Everyday Conversations

Learning Objectives 8.1 Describe the major principles of conversation.

8.2 Define self-disclosure, its potential rewards and dangers, and the guidelines for disclosing, responding to disclosures, and resisting the pressure to disclose.

8.3 Identify the guidelines for small talk; making introductions, excuses, and apologies; asking a favor; and giving and receiving compliments and advice.

Conversations vary greatly in purpose and form. Understanding the different types of conversations will make for more satisfying interactions.

Conversation is an essential part of interpersonal communication and may be defined simply as infor- mal social interaction (McLaughlin, 1984). Examin-

ing conversation provides an excellent opportunity to look at verbal and nonverbal messages as they’re used in day-to-day

communications, and thus serves as a useful culmination for this second part of the text.

This chapter explains the principles of conversation, the nature of self-disclosure (one of the most important forms of conversation), and some of your everyday conversational

219

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situations (such as small talk and apologizing). Guidelines are offered throughout the chapter for making conversation more satisfying and more effective.

Principles of Conversation 8.1 Describe the major principles of conversation.

Although conversation is an everyday process and one you seldom think about, it is, like most forms of communication, governed by several principles (Figure 8.1).

The Principle of Process It’s convenient to divide the process of conversation into chunks or stages and to view each stage as requiring a choice about what you’ll say and how you’ll say it. Here the sequence is divided into five steps: opening, feedforward, business, feedback, and clos- ing (see Figure 8.2). These stages and the way people follow them vary depending on the personalities of the communicators, their culture, the context in which the conver- sation occurs, the purpose of the conversation, whether it’s face-to-face or computer mediated, and the entire host of factors considered throughout this text.

When reading about the process of conversation, keep in mind that not everyone speaks with the fluency and ease that many textbooks often assume. Speech and lan- guage disorders, for example, can seriously disrupt the conversation process when some elementary guidelines aren’t followed. Keep in mind that speech and language disor- ders vary widely in type and severity and include, for example, indistinct articulation, fluency problems (such as stuttering), and difficulty in finding the right word (aphasia).

Table 8.1 offers some suggestions for making such conversations run more smoothly.

Opening The first step is to open the conversation, usually with some kind of greeting: A “Hi, how are you?” or “Hello, this is Joe” or a comment on Facebook. The greeting is a good example of phatic communication: it’s a message that establishes a connection between two people and opens up the channels for more meaningful interaction. When you send a friend a virtual gift of strawberry cheesecake, you’re creating an opportu- nity for communication; you’re saying that you’re thinking of the person and want

Figure 8.1 The Principles of Conversation

In conversation

you generally

Follow a process

Cooperate

Act politely Use dialogue rather than monologue

Exchange speaking/listening

turns

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to communicate. A simple tweet or post likewise can serve as a conversation opener. Openings, of course, may be nonverbal as well as verbal. A smile or smiley face, kiss, or handshake may be as clear an opening as “Hello.” Greetings are so common that they often go unnoticed. But when they’re omitted—as when the doctor begins the conversa- tion by saying, “What’s wrong?”—you may feel uncomfortable and thrown off guard.

Feedforward At the second step, you usually provide some kind of feedforward or preview, which gives the other person a general idea of the conversation’s focus: “I’ve got to tell you about Jack,” “Did you hear what happened in class yesterday?” or “We need to talk about our vacation plans.” Feedforward also may identify the tone of the conversation (“I’m really depressed and need to talk with you”) or the time required (“This will just take a minute”) (Frentz, 1976; Reardon, 1987). Often the feedforward is combined with the opening, as when you see someone on campus, for example, and say, “Hey, listen to this” or when, in a work situation, someone says, “Well, folks, let’s get the meeting going.”

If you’re the person without a speech or language disorder:

Generally Specifically

Avoid finishing another’s sentences. Finishing the person’s sentences may communicate the idea that you’re impatient and don’t want to spend the extra time necessary to interact effectively.

Avoid giving directions to the person with a speech disorder.

Saying “slow down” or “relax” will often seem insulting and will make further communication more difficult.

Maintain eye contact. Show interest and at the same time avoid showing any signs of impatience or embarrassment.

Ask for clarification as needed. If you don’t understand what the person said, ask him or her to repeat it. Don’t pretend that you understand when you don’t.

Don’t treat people who have language problems like children.

A person with aphasia, say, who has difficulty with names or nouns generally, is in no way childlike. Similarly, a person who stutters is not a slow thinker; in fact, stutterers differ from nonstutterers only in their oral fluency.

If you’re the person with a speech or language disorder:

Generally Specifically

Let the other person know what your special needs are.

If you stutter, you might tell others that you have difficulty with certain sounds and so they need to be patient.

Demonstrate your own comfort. Show that you have a positive attitude toward the interpersonal situation. If you appear comfortable and positive, others will also.

Be patient. For example, have patience with those who try to finish your sentences; they’re likely just trying to be helpful.

SOURCES: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of sources, including the websites of the National Stuttering Association, the National Aphasia Association, the United States Department of Labor, and the American Speech and Hearing Association, all accessed March 7, 2017.

Table 8.1 Interpersonal Communication for People with and without Speech and Language Disorders

Figure 8.2 A Functional Five-Stage Model of Conversation

This model of the stages of conversation is best seen as a way of talking about conversation and not as a hard-and-fast depiction of stages all conversations follow. As you review the model, consider how accurately it depicts conversation as you experience it. Can you develop a more accurate and more revealing model?

Opening Closing

Feedforward

Business

Feedback

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Business The third step is the business, the substance or focus of the conversation. The term business is used to emphasize that most conversations are goal-directed. That is, you converse to fulfill one or several of the general purposes of interpersonal communication: to learn, relate, influence, play, or help. The term is also sufficiently general to incorporate all kinds of interactions. The business is con- ducted through an exchange of speaker and listener roles. Brief, rather than long, speaking turns characterize most satisfying conver- sations. In the business stage, you talk about Jack, what happened in class, or your vacation plans. This is obviously the longest part of the conversation and the reason for the opening and the feedforward.

Feedback The fourth step is feedback, the reverse of the second step. Here you reflect on the conversation to signal that, as far as you’re concerned, the business is completed: “So you want to send Jack a get-well card?” “Wasn’t that the craziest class you ever heard of?” or “I’ll call for reservations.” The other half of the feedback equation is the person receiving the feedback (Robbins & Hunsa- ker, 2006). When you are the recipient of feedback, be sure to show your interest in feedback. This is vital information that will help you improve whatever you’re doing. Encourage the feedback giver. Be open to hearing this feedback. Don’t argue; don’t be defensive.

Closing The fifth and last step, the opposite of the first step, is the closing, the goodbye, which often reveals how satisfied the persons were with the conversation: “I hope you’ll call soon” or “Don’t call us; we’ll call you.” The closing also may be used to schedule future

conversations: “Give me a call tomorrow night” or “Let’s meet for lunch at twelve.” When closings are indefinite or vague, conversation often becomes awkward; you’re not quite sure if you should say goodbye or if you should wait for something else to be said.

The Principle of Cooperation During conversation, you probably follow the principle of cooperation; you and the other person implicitly agree to cooperate in trying to understand what each is saying (Grice, 1975; Lindblom, 2001). You cooperate largely by using four conversational maxims— principles that speakers and listeners in the United States and in many other cultures follow in conversation. Although the names for these maxims may be new, the principles themselves will be easily recognized from your own experiences (see Figure 8.3).

The Maxim of Quantity Be as informative as necessary to communicate the intended meaning. Thus, in keeping with the quantity maxim, include information that makes the meaning clear but omit what does not; give neither too little nor too much infor- mation. You see people violate this maxim when they try to relate an incident and digress to give unnecessary information. You find yourself thinking or saying, “Get to the point; so what happened?” This maxim is also violated when necessary information is omitted. In this situation, you find yourself constantly interrupting to ask questions: “Where were they?” “When did this happen?” “Who else was there?”

The Maxim of Quality Say what you know or assume to be true, and do not say what you know to be false. When you’re in conversation, you assume that the other person’s information is true—at least as far as he or she knows. When you speak with people who frequently violate the quality maxim by lying, exaggerating, or minimizing major problems, you come to distrust what such individuals are saying and wonder what is true and what is fabricated.

VIEWPOINTS The Meanings Of Greetings

Greetings (whether face-to-face or computer-mediated) are a kind of feedforward and serve various functions. What functions did your last three greetings serve?

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The Maxim of Relation Talk about what is relevant to the conversation. Thus, the relation maxim states that, if you’re talking about Pat and Chris and say, for example, “Money causes all sorts of relationship problems,” it’s assumed by others that your comment is somehow related to Pat and Chris. This principle is frequently violated by speakers who digress widely or frequently interject irrelevant comments, causing you to wonder how these comments are related to what you’re discussing.

The Maxim of Manner Be clear, avoid ambiguities, be relatively brief, and organize your thoughts into a meaningful sequence. Thus, in accordance with the manner maxim, use terms that the listener understands and clarify terms that you suspect the listener will not understand. When talking with a child, for example, simplify your vocabulary. Similarly, adjust your manner of speaking on the basis of the information you and the listener share. When talking to a close friend, for example, you can refer to mutual acquaintances and to experiences you’ve had together. When talking to a stranger, how- ever, you’ll either omit such references or explain them.

The four maxims just discussed aptly describe most conversations as they take place in much of the United States. Recognize, however, that maxims will vary from one culture to another. Here are two maxims appropriate in cultures other than that of the United States but are also appropriate to some degree throughout the United States:

• In Japanese conversations and group discussions, a maxim of preserving peaceful relationships with others may be observed (Midooka, 1990). For exam- ple, it would be considered inappropriate to argue and to demonstrate that another person is wrong. It would be inappropriate to contribute to another per- son’s embarrassment or loss of face.

• The maxim of self-denigration, observed in the con- versations of Chinese speakers, may require that you avoid taking credit for some accomplishment or make less of some ability or talent you have (Gu, 1990). To put yourself down in this way is a form of politeness that seeks to elevate the person to whom you’re speaking.

Figure 8.3 The Maxims Of Cooperation

Cooperation

Quantity

Quality

Relation

Manner

VIEWPOINTS Cultural Maxims

The maxims of peaceful relationships and self-denigration, though especially prominent in conversations among Japanese and Chinese, are used in many other cultures. Can you identify situations where these maxims would be used regardless of the specific culture of the individuals?

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The Principle of Politeness Conversation is expected (at least in many cases) to follow the principle of politeness (previewed briefly in Figure 8.4).

Six maxims of politeness have been identified by linguist Geoffrey Leech (1983) and seem to encompass a great deal of what we commonly think of as conversational polite- ness. Before reading about these maxims, examine your politeness tendencies by indi- cating how closely each of the statements below describes your typical communication behavior. Avoid giving responses that you feel might be considered “socially acceptable”; instead, give responses that accurately represent your typical communication behavior.

Figure 8.4 The Maxims of Politeness

Politeness

Tact

Generosity

Approbation

Modesty

Agreement

Sympathy

Polite conversations go a long way in forming warm relationships with the people we interact with. Examine your politeness tendencies by responding with true (T) or false (F) to the fol- lowing statements.

____ 1. I manage to say no politely so that the other person is not offended.

____ 2. I often go out of my way to help others.

____ 3. I compliment people when I meet them.

____ 4. I am happy to share the credits of my achievements with others.

____ 5. I go along with the choice of my friends if it doesn’t trouble me too much.

____ 6. I am empathetic in my conversations and provide comfort through my words.

If you answered true (T) in most instances, it is indicative of high levels of politeness. Think of some of your interpersonal interactions. Are there any that you regret? Why? What would you have done differently if given another chance?

• The maxim of tact (Statement 1 in the self-test) helps to maintain the other’s autonomy or negative face. Tact in your conversation would mean that you do not impose on others or challenge their right to do as they wish. For example, if you wanted to ask someone a favor, using the maxim of tact, you might say something

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like, “I know you’re very busy, but . . .” or “I don’t mean to impose, but . . .” Not using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, “You have to lend me your car this weekend” or “I’m going to use your ATM card.”

• The maxim of generosity (Statement 2) helps to confirm the other person’s impor- tance, the importance of the person’s time, insight, or talent, for example. Using the maxim of generosity, you might say, “I’ll walk the dog; I see you’re busy.” In violating the maxim, you might say, “I’m really busy. Why don’t you walk the dog? You’re not doing anything important.”

• The maxim of approbation (Statement 3) refers to praising someone or compliment- ing the person in some way (for example, “I was really moved by your poem”) and minimizing any expression of criticism or disapproval (for example, “For a first effort, that poem wasn’t half bad”).

• The maxim of modesty (Statement 4) minimizes any praise or compliments you might receive. At the same time, you might praise and compliment the other person. For example, using this maxim, you might say something like, “Well, thank you, but I couldn’t have done this without your input; that was the crucial element.” Violating this maxim, you might say, “Yes, thank you, it was one of my best efforts, I have to admit.”

• The maxim of agreement (Statement 5) refers to your seeking out areas of agreement and expressing them (“That color you selected was just right; it makes the room exciting”) and at the same time avoiding and not expressing (or at least minimiz- ing) disagreements (“It’s an interesting choice, very different”). In violation of this maxim, you might say “That color—how can you stand it?”

• The maxim of sympathy (Statement 6) refers to the expression of understanding, sympathy, empathy, supportiveness, and the like, for the other person. Using this maxim, you might say, “I understand your feelings; I’m so sorry.” If you violated this maxim you might say, for example, “You’re making a fuss over nothing” or “You get upset over the least little thing; what is it this time?”

The Principle of Dialogue Often the term dialogue is used as a synonym for conversation. But, it’s more than simple conversation; it’s conversation in which there is genuine two-way interaction (Buber, 1958; McNamee & Gergen, 1999; Yau-fair Ho, Chan, Peng, & Ng, 2001). It’s useful to distinguish the ideal dialogic (two-way) communicator from the opposite, the totally monologic (one-way) communicator.

In dialogue, each person is both speaker and listener, sender and receiver. It’s a type of conversation in which there is deep concern for the other person and for the relationship between the two. The objective of dialogue is mutual understanding, sup- portiveness, and empathy. There is respect for the other person, not because of what this person can do or give but simply because this person is a human being and therefore deserves to be treated honestly and sincerely.

Monologue is the opposite side; it’s communication in which one person speaks and the other listens—there’s no real interaction between participants. The monologic communicator is focused only on his or her own goals and has no real concern for the listener’s feelings or attitudes; this speaker is interested in the other person only insofar as that person can serve his or her purposes.

To increase dialogue and decrease monologue, try the following:

• Demonstrate respect for the other person. Allow that person the right to make his or her own choices without coercion, without the threat of punishment, and with- out fear or social pressure. A dialogic communicator believes that other people can make decisions that are right for them and implicitly or explicitly lets them know that whatever choices they make, they will still be respected as people.

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• Avoid negative criticism (“I didn’t like that explanation”) and negative judgments (“You’re not a very good listener, are you?”). Instead, practice using positive criti- cism (“I like those first two explanations best; they were really well reasoned”).

• Keep the channels of communication open by displaying a willingness to listen. Give cues (nonverbal nods, brief verbal expressions of agreement, paraphrasing) that tell the speaker you’re listening.

• Acknowledge the presence and importance of the other person. Ask for suggestions, opinions, and clarification. This will ensure that you understand what the other person is saying from that person’s point of view and also signals a real interest in the person.

• Avoid manipulating the conversation to get the person to say something positive about you or to force the other person to think, believe, or behave in any particular way.

The Principle of Turn Taking The defining feature of conversation is that the speaker and listener exchange roles throughout the interaction. You accomplish this through a wide variety of verbal and nonverbal cues that signal conversational turns—the changing (or maintaining) of the speaker or listener role during the conversation. In hearing people, turn taking is regu- lated by both audio and visual signals. Among blind speakers, turn taking is governed in larger part by audio signals and often touch. Among deaf speakers, turn-taking signals are largely visual and also may involve touch (Coates & Sutton-Spence, 2001). Combining the insights of a variety of communication researchers (Burgoon, Guer- rero, & Floyd, 2010; Duncan, 1972; Pearson & Spitzberg, 1990), let’s look more closely at conversational turns in terms of cues that speakers use and cues that listeners use.

Speaker Cues As a speaker, you regulate conversation through two major types of cues: turn maintaining and turn yielding. Turn-maintaining cues are designed to help you maintain the speaker’s role. You can do this with a variety of cues, for example, by audibly inhaling to show that you have more to say, continuing a gesture or gestures to show that you have not completed the thought, avoiding eye contact with the listener so there’s no indication that you’re passing the speaking turn to him or her, sustaining your intonation pattern to indicate that you intend to say more, or vocalizing pauses (“er,” “um”) to prevent the listener from speaking and to show that you’re still talking (Burgoon, Buller, & Woodall, 1996; Duncan, 1972). In most cases, speakers are expected to maintain relatively brief speaking turns and to turn over the speaking role willingly to the listener (when so signalled by the listener).

With turn-yielding cues, you tell the listener that you’re finished and wish to exchange the role of speaker for that of listener. These cues tell the listener (some- times a specific listener) to take over the role of speaker. For example, at the end of a statement you might add some paralinguistic cue such as “eh?” that asks one of the listeners to assume the role of speaker. You can also indicate that you’ve finished speaking by dropping your intonation, by prolonged silence, by making direct eye contact with a listener, by asking some general question, or by nodding in the direc- tion of a particular listener.

In much the same way that you expect a speaker to yield the role of speaker, you also expect the listener to assume the speaking role willingly. Those who don’t may be regarded as reticent or unwilling to involve themselves and take equal responsibility for the conversation. For example, in an analysis of turn-taking violations in the conversa- tions of married people, the most common violation found was that of no response. Forty-five percent of the 540 violations identified involved a lack of response to an invitation to assume the speaker role. Of these “no response” violations, 68 percent were committed by men and 32 percent by women. Other turn-taking violations include interruptions, delayed responses, and inappropriately brief responses. From this, it’s

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been argued that by means of these violations, all of which are committed more fre- quently by men, men often silence women in marital interactions (DeFrancisco, 1991).

Listener Cues As a listener, you can regulate the conversation by using a variety of cues. Turn-requesting cues let the speaker know that you’d like to take a turn as speaker. Some- times you can do this by simply saying, “I’d like to say something,” but often you do it more subtly through some vocalized “er” or “um” that tells the mindful speaker that you’d now like to speak. This request to speak is also often made with facial and mouth gestures. You can, for example, indicate a desire to speak by opening your eyes and mouth widely as if to say something, by beginning to gesture with your hand, or by leaning forward.

You can also indicate your reluctance to assume the role of speaker by using turn- denying cues. For example, intoning a slurred “I don’t know” or a brief grunt signals you have nothing to say. Other ways to refuse a turn are to avoid eye contact with the speaker who wishes you to take on the role of speaker or to engage in some behavior that is incompatible with speaking—for example, coughing or blowing your nose.

Back-Channeling Cues Back-channeling cues are used to communicate various types of information back to the speaker without your assuming the role of speaker. Some researchers call these acknowledgment tokens—brief utterances such as “mm-hm,” “uh-huh,” and “yeah,” the three most often used such tokens—that tell the speaker you’re listening (Drummond & Hopper, 1993; Schegloff, 1982). Others call them over- laps to distinguish them from those interruptions that are aimed at taking over the speaker’s turn (Tannen, 1994b). Back-channeling cues are generally supportive and confirming and show that you’re listening and are involved in the interaction (Kennedy & Camden, 1988).

You can communicate a variety of messages with these back-channeling cues (over- laps, acknowledgment tokens); here are four of the most important messages (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010; Pearson & Spitzberg, 1990).

• To indicate agreement or disagreement. Smiles, nods of approval, brief comments such as “right” and “of course,” or a vocalization like “uh-huh” signal agreement. Frowning, shaking your head, or making comments such as “no” or “never” signal disagreement.

• To indicate degree of involvement. An attentive posture, forward leaning, and focused eye contact tell the speaker that you’re involved in the conversation. An inattentive posture, backward leaning, and avoidance of eye contact communicate a lack of involvement.

• To pace the speaker. You ask the speaker to slow down by raising your hand near your ear and leaning forward or to speed up by repeatedly nodding your head. Or you may cue the speaker verbally by asking the speaker to slow down or to speed up.

• To ask for clarification. Puzzled facial expressions, perhaps coupled with a forward lean, or direct interjection of “who?” “when?” or “where?” signal your need for clarification.

Interruptions In contrast to back-channeling cues, interrup- tions are attempts to take over the role of the speaker. These are not supportive and are often disconfirming. Interruptions are often interpreted as attempts to change the topic to a subject that the interrupter knows more about or to emphasize the person’s authority. Interruptions are seen as attempts to assert power and to maintain control. Superiors (bosses and supervisors) and those in positions of authority (police officers and interviewers), research finds, interrupt those in inferior positions more than the other way around (Ashcraft, 1998; Carroll, 1994). In fact, it would probably

Your neighbor meets your mother and praises your helpful and sweet nature. Your mother also joins in and soon both are discussing you and recounting your thoughtful gestures, much to your embarrass- ment. How do you make them stop?

a. Laugh and say, “Okay, so I will win the congeniality award, now let’s move on!”

b. Smile and say, “That’s very kind of you, now let’s talk about something else.”

c. Signal your mother to stop praising you.

d. Interrupt them and change the subject of discussion.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Modesty in Conversations

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strike you as strange to see a worker repeatedly inter- rupting a supervisor or a student repeatedly interrupt- ing a professor.

Another and even-more-often-studied aspect of interruption is that of gender difference. The popular belief is that men interrupt more than women. This belief, research finds, is basically accurate. Men inter- rupt both women and other men more than women do. For example, one analysis of 43 published studies on interruptions and gender differences showed that men interrupted significantly more than women (Anderson, 1998). In addition, the more male-like the person’s gen- der identity—regardless of the person’s biological sex— the more likely it is that the person will interrupt (Drass, 1986). Fathers, one research study shows, interrupt their

children more than mothers do (Greif, 1980). These gender differences, however, are small. More important than gender in determining who interrupts is the specific type of situation; some contexts (for example, task-oriented situations) may call for more interruptions, whereas others (such as relationship discussions) may call for more back- channeling cues (Anderson, 1998).

The various turn-taking cues and how they correspond to the conversational wants of speaker and listener are illustated in Figure 8.5.

Figure 8.5 Turn Taking and Conversational Wants

Each quadrant represents a different type of turn taking:

• Quadrant 1: the speaker wishes to continue speaking, using turn-maintaining cues.

• Quadrant 2: the speaker wishes to listen, using turn-yielding cues.

• Quadrant 3: the listener wishes to speak, using turn-requesting cues. Interruptions also appear in quadrant 3, though they’re not so much cues that request a turn as takeovers of the speaker’s position.

• Quadrant 4: the listener wishes to continue listening, using turn-denying cues. Back-channeling cues also appear in quadrant 4 because they are cues that listeners use while they continue to listen.

To Speak To Listen Conversational Wants

Speaker

Listener

1 Turn-maintaining

cues

2 Turn-yielding

cues

3 Turn-requesting

cues

4 Turn-denying

cues

General Principle Principle in Conversation

The principle of process Conversation can be viewed as consisting of five stages: opening, feedforward, business, feedback, and closing.

The principle of cooperation Conversation relies on the maxims of quantity, quality, relation, and manner.

The principle of politeness Conversations generally follow the maxims of tact, generosity, approbation, modesty, agreement, and sympathy.

The principle of dialogue Conversation relies on each person listening and responding as well as speaking.

The principle of turn taking Conversation works best when messages are relatively short and easily exchanged.

Table 8.2 In a Nutshell A Summary of the Principles of Conversation

VIEWPOINTS Interruptions

From your own interactions and observations, how would you describe conversational interruptions? For example, who interrupts whom? When are interruptions most likely to occur? Under what circumstances are interruptions appropriate? Inappropriate?

A summary of these principles of conversation appears in Table 8.2.

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Conversational Disclosure 8.2 Define self-disclosure, its potential rewards and dangers, and the guidelines for

disclosing, responding to disclosures, and resisting the pressure to disclose.

One of the most important forms of interpersonal communication that you can engage in is talking about yourself, or self-disclosure.

Revealing Yourself Self-disclosure means communicating information about yourself to another person. Although the term is often limited to revealing information that you normally keep hid- den, it can also refer to information that you would share with just about anyone: your likes and comments (as you do on Facebook); your brief tweets that say something about what you like or don’t like; what you’re thinking about; or your preferences for foods, books, or music; and what you reveal when you post a photo on Pinterest or Instagram (Greene, Derlega, & Mathews, 2006). It may involve information about (1) your values, beliefs, and desires (“I believe in reincarnation”); (2) your behavior (“I shoplifted but was never caught”); or (3) your self-qualities or characteristics (“I’m dyslexic”). Overt and carefully planned statements about yourself as well as slips of the tongue would be clas- sified as self-disclosing communications. Similarly, you could self-disclose nonverbally by, for example, wearing gang colors; a wedding ring; a shirt with slogans that reveal your political or social concerns, such as “Pro-Choice” or “Go Green”; or photos on Facebook. Self-disclosure also may involve your reactions to the feelings of others, for example, when you tell your friend that you’re sorry she was fired.

Self-disclosure involves at least one other individual; it cannot be an intra personal communication act. To qualify as self-disclosure, the information must be received and understood by another person. In some cases, the disclosure would be received by hundreds or thousands on your Twitter, Facebook, or LinkedIn networks.

Self-disclosure can vary from the relatively insignificant (“I’m a Leo” or “I enjoy the soaps”) to the highly revealing and deeply personal (“I’m currently in an abusive relationship” or “I was born a man”).

Self-disclosure occurs in all forms of communication, not just interpersonal. It fre- quently occurs in small-group settings, in public speeches, on television talk shows such as Maury and Jerry Springer, and even on Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel and such shows as The Bachelor or The Bachelorette and Big Brother. And self-disclosure can occur not only in face-to-face settings but also online. On social network sites such as Twitter or Face- book, for example, a great deal of self-disclosure goes on, as it does when people reveal themselves in personal e-mails, newsgroups, and blog posts. In fact, research finds that reciprocal self-disclosure occurs more quickly and at higher levels online than it does in face-to-face interactions (Joinson, 2001; Levine, 2000).

Some researchers have pointed to a disinhibition effect that occurs in online communication. We seem less inhibited in communicating in e-mail or in social media, for example, than we do face-to-face. Among the reasons for this seems to be the fact that, in online communication, there is a certain degree of anonymity and invisibility (Suler, 2004). Other research, how- ever, finds less support for the importance of anonymity. In an examination of blog posts, those posts that were accompanied by a photograph of the author (making it onymous rather than anonymous) actually disclosed more than those posts that did not so identify the author (Hollenbaugh & Everett, 2013).

You probably self-disclose for a variety of reasons. Per- haps you feel the need for catharsis—a need to get rid of feelings of guilt or to confess some wrongdoing. You may

VIEWPOINTS Disinhibition

In light of the contradictory research findings on online disinhibition, examine your own tendencies when you post on a blog, comment on Facebook, or tweet. Are you more or less likely to disclose online than in face-to-face encounters? What factors influence the likelihood of your disclosing in online versus face-to- face encounters? Does your relative anonymity in online communication lead you to self-disclose differently than you do in face-to-face interactions?

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also disclose to help the listener, for example, to show the listener how you dealt with an addiction or succeeded in getting a promotion. Of course, you may self-disclose to encourage relationship growth, or to maintain or repair a relationship, or even as a strategy for ending a relationship.

Although self-disclosure may occur as a single message—for example, you tell a stranger on a train that you’re thinking about getting a divorce—it’s best viewed as a devel- oping process in which information is exchanged between people over the period of their relationship (Spencer, 1993, 1994). In fact, the website for the University of California, Long Beach (http://web.csulb.edu/colleges/chhs/safe-zone/coming-out/), in their discussion of coming out as a GLBTQ person—an especially important kind of self- disclosure—note the developmental nature of coming out; it’s a process rather than an event.

If you view it as a developing process, you can then appreciate how self-disclosure changes as the relationship changes; for example, as a relationship progresses from initial contact through involvement to intimacy, the self-disclosures increase. If the rela- tionship deteriorates and perhaps dissolves, the disclosures decrease. Self-disclosure will also vary depending on the type of relationship you have with the person or per- sons to whom you’ll disclose. You’ll disclose differently, for example, depending on whether the other person is your friend, lover, parent, child, or counselor.

Thinking about your willingness to disclose the following types of information—and you can easily add other things about yourself that you would and would not disclose—should get you started examining your own self-disclosing behavior.

• Your happiest moments in life • Your unhappiest moments in life • Your personality characteristics that you do not like • Your most embarrassing moment • Your major weaknesses • Your prejudices • Your net worth • Your sexual fantasies • Your greatest fears • Your ideal relationship partner

The remaining discussion of this important concept will be more meaningful if you first consider your own willingness to self-disclose. Consider the following disclosures and think about whether you’d disclose, to whom you’d disclose, and under what circumstances you might disclose?

Influences on Self-Disclosure Many factors influence whether or not you disclose, what you disclose, and to whom you disclose. Among the most important factors are who you are, your culture, your gender, who your listeners are, and what your topic is.

• You: Highly sociable and extroverted people self-disclose more than those who are less sociable and more introverted. People who are apprehensive about talking in general also self-disclose less than do those who are more comfortable in communi- cating. Competent people and those with high self-esteem engage in self-disclosure more than less competent people and those with low self-esteem (Dolgin, Meyer, & Schwartz, 1991; McCroskey & Wheeless, 1976).

• Your culture: Different cultures view self-disclosure differently. People in the United States, for example, disclose more than do those in Great Britain, Germany, Japan, or Puerto Rico (Gudykunst, 1983). Americans also reported greater self-disclosure when communicating with other Americans than when communicating intercul- turally (Allen, Long, O’Mara, & Judd, 2003). In Japan, it’s considered undesirable

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for colleagues to reveal personal information, whereas in much of the United States, it’s expected (Barnlund, 1989; Hall & Hall, 1987).

• Your gender: Research supports the popular belief that women disclose more than men (Stewart, Cooper, & Stewart, 2003). Women disclose more than men about their previous romantic relationships, their feelings about their closest same-sex friends, their greatest fears, and what they don’t like about their partners (Sprecher, 1987). A notable exception occurs in initial encounters. Here men will disclose more inti- mately than women, perhaps “in order to control the relationship’s development” (Derlega, Winstead, Wong, & Hunter, 1985).

• Your listeners: Because you disclose on the basis of the support you receive, you disclose to people you like (Collins & Miller, 1994; Derlega, Winstead, Greene, Serovich, & Elwood, 2004) and to people you trust and love (Wheeless & Grotz, 1977; Sprecher & Hendrick, 2004). You also come to like those to whom you disclose (Berg & Archer, 1983). You’re more likely to disclose to people who are close to you in age (Parker & Parrott, 1995). You are also more likely to disclose when the other person has disclosed, a pattern referred to as reciprocity; you give back what you get. If someone reveals a past indiscretion to you, for example, you’d be more likely to reciprocate with revealing one of your own.

• Your topic: You’re more likely to self-disclose about some topics than others; for example, you’re more likely to disclose information about your job or hobbies than about your sex life or financial situation (Jourard, 1968, 1971). You’re also more likely to disclose favorable than unfavorable information. Generally, the more per- sonal and negative the topic, the less likely you’ll be to self-disclose.

• Your media: The medium or channel through which you communicate also influ- ences your disclosures. Some people disclose more in face-to-face situations, while others disclose more in, say, e-mail or snail mail or perhaps by phone. Many people seem to disclose a great deal—some would say that they overshare—on social media (Grant, 2013). Social media seems to have created a culture where sharing (and over- sharing) are normal and in some cases expected. The permanency and the public nature of these messages do not seem to provide a deterrent to such disclosures.

Rewards and Dangers of Self-Disclosure Research shows that self-disclosure has both significant rewards and dangers. In mak- ing choices about whether or not to disclose, consider both.

Rewards of Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure may help increase self-knowledge, com- munication and relationship effectiveness, physiological well-being, and likeability.

Self-disclosure helps you gain greater self-knowledge: a new perspective on yourself, a deeper understanding of your own behavior. Through self-disclosure, you may bring to consciousness a great deal that you might otherwise keep from conscious analysis. Even self-acceptance is difficult without self-disclosure. You accept yourself largely through the eyes of others. Through self-disclosure and subsequent support, you’ll see the posi- tive responses to you; you’ll see, for example, that others appreciate your sense of humor or ability to tell a good story or the values you espouse. And through these positive responses, you’ll likely strengthen your positive self-concept.

Because you understand the messages of another person largely to the extent that you understand the person, self-disclosure is an essential condition for communica- tion and relationship effectiveness. Self-disclosure helps you achieve a closer relation- ship with the person to whom you self-disclose and increases relationship satisfaction (Meeks, Hendrick, & Hendrick, 1998; Schmidt & Cornelius, 1987; Sprecher, 1987). Within a sexual relationship, self-disclosure increases sexual rewards and general relationship satisfaction; after all, it’s largely through self-disclosure that you learn what another person likes and dislikes. These two benefits increase sexual satisfaction (Byers & Dem- mons, 1999). Self-disclosure has also been studied as it relates to psychological abuse;

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research indicates that persons who engage in in-depth self- disclosure seem to experience less psychological abuse (Shir- ley, Powers, & Sawyer, 2007). The reason for this finding may be that people in abusive relationships tend to disclose less for fear that such disclosures will provide “reasons” for the abuse. Or it may be that freedom to disclose comes from a nonabusive, supportive, confirming relationship.

Related to this increase in communication and relationship effectiveness is the possibility (some would say probability) that in the absence of disclosure, people (even your romantic partner or best friend) may wonder about this or that and con- struct explanations that are worse than the secret (Isay, 2014). And, romantic partners and best friends, especially, will snoop to discover information that you’ve kept hidden. According to

some research, approximately 44 percent of couples have at least one partner who snoops and 37 percent of the couples snooped on each other (Helsper & Whitty, 2010). In another study, over 60 percent of college students admitted to using Facebook to keep tabs on romantic partners and others (Stern & Willis, 2007). Snooping is so prevalent that dating websites such as eHarmony provide advice on whether or not to snoop.

Self-disclosure seems to have a positive effect on physiological health. People who self-disclose are less vulnerable to illnesses (Pennebacker, 1991). Health benefits also result from disclosing in e-mails (Sheese, Brown, & Graziano, 2004). For example, bereavement over the death of someone very close is linked to physical illness for those who bear this alone and in silence. But it’s unrelated to any physical problems for those who share their grief with others.

In addition to these advantages, research finds that people who disclose intimacies of their lives are liked more than those who do not engage in such disclosure (Dean, 2007). Conversely, you come to like those to whom you disclose. So, disclosure seems to contribute to an increase in mutual liking (Collins & Miller, 1994). And, as you’d expect, online daters who engage in positive self-disclosure are more successful than those who do not (Gibbs, Ellison, & Heino, 2006).

Dangers of Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure comes with considerable potential per- sonal, relational, and professional risks.

• Personal risks If you self-disclose aspects of your life that vary greatly from the values of those to whom you disclose, you incur personal risks; you may experi- ence rejection from even your closest friends and family members. Men and women who disclose that they have cheated on their relationship partner, have stolen, or are suffering from protracted depression, for example, may find their friends and family no longer wanting to be quite as close as before. Girls (but not boys) who emphasize their attractiveness and who post lots of party pictures on Facebook run the risk of being labeled negatively (Bailey, Steeves, Burkell, & Regan, 2013). GLBTQ people who come out may not have predicted the degree of homophobia, even in family members and best friends. And, in some countries, even today, such disclosures can result in imprisonment or even death.

• Relational risks Even in close and long-lasting relationships, self-disclosure can pose relational risks (Bochner, 1984). Total self-disclosure may prove threatening to a relationship by causing a decrease in mutual attraction, trust, or any of the bonds holding the individuals together. Self-disclosures concerning infidelity, romantic fantasies, past indiscretions or crimes, lies, or hidden weaknesses and fears could easily have such negative effects.

• Professional risks Revealing political views or attitudes toward different religious or racial groups may open you to professional risks and create problems on the job,

VIEWPOINTS Self-Disclosing

Self-disclosure sometimes occurs more in temporary than in permanent relationships—for example, between strangers on a train or plane, a kind of “in-flight intimacy” (McGill, 1985). In this situation, two people set up an intimate self-disclosing relationship during a brief travel period, but they don’t pursue it beyond that point. In a similar way, you might set up a relationship with one or several people on the Internet and engage in significant disclosure. Perhaps knowing that you’ll never see these other people and that they will never know where you live or work or what you look like makes it easier. Do you engage in such disclosure? If so, why?

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as may disclosing any health problems, such as being HIV positive (Fesko, 2001). Disclosures that go against organizational norms—for example, the disclosures are too personal or not job-related—carry additional risks (Rosh & Offermann, 2013). Teachers, for example, who disclose former or current drug use or cohabitation with students may find themselves denied tenure, teaching at undesirable hours, arrested, and/or victims of “budget cuts.”

In making your choice between disclosing and not disclosing, keep in mind—in addition to the advantages and dangers already noted—the irreversible nature of com- munication. Regardless of how many times you may try to qualify something or take it back, once you have disclosed, you cannot undisclose. Nor can you erase the conclu- sions and inferences listeners have made on the basis of your disclosures.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure Because self-disclosure is so important and so delicate a matter, guidelines are offered here for (1) deciding whether and how to self-disclose, (2) responding to the disclosures of others, and (3) resisting pressures to self-disclose.

Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures The following guidelines will help you ask yourself the right questions before you make a choice that must ultimately be your own.

• Disclose out of appropriate motivation. Self-disclosure should be motivated by a concern for the relationship, for the others involved, and for yourself. Avoid disclosing to hurt the listener; for example, people who tell their parents that they hindered their emotional development may be disclosing out of a desire to hurt and punish rather than a desire to improve the relationship.

• Disclose in the appropriate context. Before making any significant self-disclosure, ask whether this is the right time and place. Could a better time and place be arranged? Ask, too, whether this self- disclosure is appropriate to the relationship. Generally, the more intimate the disclosures, the closer the relationship should be. It’s probably best to resist intimate disclosures (especially negative ones) with nonintimates, with casual acquaintances, or in the early stages of a relationship. And, of course, ask yourself whether the forum for the disclosures is appropriate. Some disclosures may best be made in private with one person, while others can be broadcast on television or on any one of the social network sites. Social networks such as Twitter and Facebook have recognized this and instituted privacy controls, enabling you to monitor who can receive your posts (that is, disclosures) and who will be blocked.

• Disclose gradually. During your disclosures, give the other per- son a chance to reciprocate with his or her own disclosures. If reciprocal disclosures are not made, reassess your own self-dis- closures. It may be a signal that for this person, at this time, and in this context, your disclosures are not welcome or appropriate. Disclosing gradually will also enable you to gauge reactions, enabling you to stop disclosing if the reactions are not what you wanted or expected.

• Disclose without imposing burdens on yourself or others. Care- fully weigh the potential problems that you may incur as a result of your disclosure. Can you afford to lose your job if you disclose your arrest record? Is it wise to swear your in-laws to secrecy about your disclosures of infidelity?

VIEWPOINTS Revealing Yourself

Especially in the competitive context of work (or even solving crimes like Daredevil, pictured here), the more that others know about you, the more they’ll be able to use against you. This simple fact has prompted power-watchers to advise you not to reveal too much about yourself; others should never be able to predict what you will do or what you’re thinking (Korda, 1975). Do you agree with this advice? Why?

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Guidelines for Facilitating and Responding to Self-Disclosures When someone discloses to you, it’s usually a sign of trust and affection. In serving this most important receiver function, keep the following guidelines in mind. These guidelines will also help you facilitate the disclosures of another person.

• Practice the skills of effective and active listening. The skills of effective listening are especially important when you are lis- tening to self-disclosures: listen actively, listen for different lev- els of meaning, listen with empathy, and listen with an open mind. Express an understanding of the speaker’s feelings to allow the speaker the opportunity to see them more objectively and through the eyes of another. Ask questions to ensure your own understanding and to signal your interest and attention.

• Support and reinforce the discloser. Express support for the person during and after the disclosures. Concentrate on under- standing and empathizing with (rather than evaluating) the discloser. Make your supportiveness clear to the discloser through your verbal and nonverbal responses: maintain eye contact, lean toward the speaker, ask relevant questions, and echo the speaker’s thoughts and feelings.

• Be willing to reciprocate. When you make relevant and appropriate disclosures of your own in response to the other person’s disclosures, you’re demonstrating your understanding of the other’s meanings and at the same time showing a willingness to communicate on this meaningful level.

• Keep the disclosures confidential. When a person discloses to you, it’s because she or he wants you to know the feelings and thoughts that are communicated. If you reveal these disclosures to others, negative outcomes are inevitable and your relationship is almost sure to suffer. And be sure not to use the disclosures against the person. Many self-disclosures expose some kind of vulnerability or weakness. If you later turn around and use disclosures against the person who made them, you betray the confidence and trust invested in you. Regardless of how angry you may get, resist the temptation to use disclosures as weapons.

Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self- Disclose You may, on occasion, find your- self in a position where a friend, colleague, or romantic partner pressures you to self- disclose. In such situations, you may wish to weigh the pros and cons of self-disclosure and then make your decision about whether and what you’ll disclose. Do realize that one of the consequences of the Internet and social media generally is that it’s very dif- ficult to keep lots of information hidden. And, although you may resist, say, revealing your age in your office, it can probably be found online easily. You may not want to reveal how much your house is worth but readily available real estate websites provide very accurate estimates. Nevertheless, there are occasions when you do not want to disclose and you’re still being pressured, and you need to say something. Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t be pushed. Although there may be certain legal or ethical reasons for disclos- ing, generally, if you don’t want to disclose, you don’t have to. Don’t be pushed into disclosing because others are doing it or because you’re asked to.

• Be assertive in your refusal to disclose. Say, very directly, “I’d rather not talk about that now” or “Now is not the time for this type of discussion.”

• Delay a decision. If you don’t want to say no directly but still don’t want to dis- close, delay the decision. Say something like, “That’s pretty personal; let me think about that before I make a fool of myself” or “This isn’t really a good time (or place) to talk about this; I’ll get back to you and we’ll talk.”

You’ve dated someone three or four times, and each time you’re pressured to self-disclose past experi- ences and personal information you’re simply not ready to talk about—at least, not at this early stage of the relationship. What can you say to resist this pres- sure to self-disclose?

a. Ignore the request and change the subject.

b. Make a joke of it; for example, say “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

c. Reveal your feelings about not disclosing at this stage in the relationship.

d. Give in and disclose.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Refusing to Self-Disclose

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• Be indirect and move to another topic. Avoid the question and change the subject. This is a polite way of saying, “I’m not talking about it,” and may be the preferred choice in certain situations. Most often people will get the hint and understand your refusal to disclose.

A summary of these guidelines is presented in Table 8.3.

Gossip is social talk that involves making evaluations about persons who are not present during the conversation; it generally occurs when two people talk about a third party (Eder & Enke, 1991; Wert & Salovey, 2004). And sometimes it occurs when someone reveals a private disclosure. A large part of your conversation at work and in social situations is spent gossiping (Carey, 2005; Lachnit, 2001; Waddington, 2004). In fact, one study estimates that approximately two-thirds of people’s conversation time is devoted to social topics, and that most of these topics can be considered gossip (Dunbar, 2004). Gossiping seems universal among all cultures (Laing, 1993); among some it’s a commonly accepted ritual (Hall, 1993). And, of course, gossip occupies a large part of Internet communication, as demonstrated by the growing popularity of websites such as Juicy Campus (www.JuicyCampus.com), which links a variety of college campuses (Morgan, 2008).

As you might expect, gossiping often has ethical implications, and in many instances gossip is con- sidered unethical. Such instances generally identified as unethical are (Bok, 1983):

• when gossip is used to hurt another person unfairly, for example, spreading gossip about an office romance or an instructor’s past indiscretions.

• when you know that what you’re saying is not true, for example, lying to make another person look bad.

• when no one has the right to such personal information, for example, revealing the income of neighbors to others or revealing a fellow student’s poor grades to other students.

• when you have promised secrecy, for example, revealing something that you promised not to repeat to others.

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

The Ethics of Gossip

Ethical Choice Point Your best friend’s romantic partner has come on to you on several occasions. What is your ethical obligation to your friend? If you decide that it would be ethical to tell your friend, would it also be ethical to tell other mutual friends? At what point does revealing this become unethical gossip?

Self Disclosure Disclosure Strategies

Self-disclosing to another • Consider the motivation, the appropriateness, and the specific disclosures of the other person.

• Consider the possible burdens that self-disclosure might entail.

Facilitating and responding to the disclosures of others

• Practice the skills of effective and active listening.

• Support and reinforce the discloser.

• Be willing to reciprocate.

• Keep the disclosures confidential.

• Don’t use the disclosures against the person.

Resisting pressure to self-disclose

• Don’t be pushed.

• Be indirect and move to another topic.

• Be assertive in your refusal to disclose.

Table 8.3 In a Nutshell Guidelines and Strategies for Self-Disclosure

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Everyday Conversations 8.3 Identify the guidelines for small talk; making introductions, excuses, and

apologies; asking a favor; and giving and receiving compliments and advice.

In this section we discuss a variety of everyday conversation situations: making small talk, making introductions, making excuses, apologizing, asking for a favor, and giving and receiving compliments and advice.

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Expressiveness: Communication of Genuine Involvement

• Smile. Your smile is probably your most expressive feature and it will likely be much appreciated.

• Communicate expressiveness in ways that are culturally sensitive. Some cultures (Italian, for example) encourage expressiveness and teach children to be expres- sive. Other cultures (Japanese and Thai, for example) encourage a more reserved response style (Matsumoto, 1996). Some cultures (Arab and many Asian cultures, for example) consider expressiveness by women in business settings to be inappropriate (Lustig, Koester, & Halualani, 2018; Axtell, 2007; Hall & Hall, 1987).

Working with Expressiveness Think about the people you know who are extremely popular (online and offline) and those who are significantly less popular. It’s likely that one way the groups differ is in expressiveness. As you read about expressiveness, con- sider your own degree of expressiveness in various different situations, for example, in the classroom, face-to-face with a group of close friends or work colleagues, or with your social media friends and how this relates to interpersonal popularity.

Expressiveness is the skill of communicating genuine involve- ment in the conversation; it entails, for example, taking responsi- bility for your thoughts and feelings, encouraging expressiveness or openness in others, and providing appropriate feedback. These are the qualities that make a conversation exciting and satisfying. Expressiveness includes both verbal and nonverbal messages, and often involves revealing your emotions and your normally hid- den self—bringing in a variety of interpersonal skills noted earlier.

Communicating with Expressiveness Here are a few suggestions for communicating expressiveness.

• Vary your vocal rate, pitch, volume, and rhythm. This helps you convey involvement and interest. Vary your lan- guage; avoid clichés and trite expressions, which signal a lack of originality and personal involvement.

• Use appropriate gestures. Especially helpful are gestures that focus on the other person rather than yourself. Maintain eye contact and lean toward the person; at the same time, avoid self-touching gestures or directing your eyes to others in the room.

• Give verbal and nonverbal feedback. This helps show that you’re listening. Such feedback promotes relationship satisfaction.

Before reading about this ever-present form of conversation, respond to the following situa- tions to examine your small talk behavior by indicating what you would be most likely to do.

____ 1. On an elevator with three or four strangers, I’d be most likely to

a. avoid interacting.

b. respond to another but not initiate interaction.

c. be the first to talk.

____ 2. When I’m talking with someone and I meet a friend who doesn’t know the person I’m with, I’d be most apt to

a. avoid introducing them.

b. wait until they introduce each other.

c. introduce them to each other.

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Making Small Talk Small talk is pervasive; all of us engage in small talk. Sometimes, you use small talk as a preface to big talk. For example, before a conference with your boss or even an employment interview, you’re likely to engage in some preliminary small talk. How are you doing? I’m pleased this weather has finally cleared up. That’s a great looking jacket. The purpose here is to ease into the major topic or the big talk.

Sometimes, small talk is a politeness strategy and a bit more extensive way of say- ing hello as you pass someone in the hallway or a neighbor you meet at the post office. And, so you might say, “Good seeing you, Jack. You’re ready for the big meeting?” or “See you in Geology at 1.”

Sometimes your relationship with another person revolves totally around small talk, perhaps with your barber or hair dresser, a colleague at work, your next-door neighbor, or a student you sit next to in class. In these relationships neither person makes an effort to deepen the relationship, and it remains on a small talk level.

The Topics and Contexts of Small Talk The topics of small talk have one important characteristic: the topic must be noncontroversial in the sense that it must not be something that you and the other person are likely to disagree on. If a topic is likely to arouse deep emotions or different points of view, then it is probably not a small talk topic.

Most often the topics are relatively innocuous. The weather is perhaps the most popular small talk topic. “Trivial” news, for example, news about sports (although criticizing the other person’s favorite team would not be considered noncontroversial by many), and movie or television stars are also popular small talk topics. Current affairs—as long as there is agreement—might also be used in small talk (“Did you see the headline in the news? Horrible, isn’t it?”). Sometimes small talk grows out of the context; for example, waiting on line for tickets may prompt a comment to the person next to you about your feet hurting or if they know how long it will be until the tickets go on sale.

____ 3. At a party with people I’ve never met before, I’d be most likely to

a. wait for someone to talk to me.

b. nonverbally indicate that I am receptive to someone interacting with me.

c. initiate interaction with others nonverbally and verbally.

____ 4. When confronted with someone who doesn’t want to end the conversation, I’d be most apt to

a. just stick it out and listen.

b. tune out the person and hope time goes by quickly.

c. end it firmly myself.

____ 5. When the other person monologues, I’d be most apt to

a. listen politely.

b. try to change the focus.

c. exit as quickly as possible.

The a responses are unassertive, the b responses are indirect (not totally unassertive but not assertive either), and the c responses are direct and assertive. Very likely, if you answered with 4 or 5 c responses, you’re comfortable and satisfied with your small talk experiences. Lots of a responses indicate some level of dissatisfaction and discomfort with the experience of small talk. If you had lots of b responses, then you probably experience both satisfaction and dissatisfaction with small talk. If your small talk experiences are not satisfying to you, read on. The entire body of interpersonal skills will prove relevant here, as will a number of suggestions unique to small talk.

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Small talk is usually short in duration, a fac- tor that helps make this talk noncontroversial. Because of the context in which small talk occurs— waiting on line to get into a movie or for a store to open—it allows for only a brief interaction.

Another popular occasion, which contradicts this short-duration characteristic, is sitting next to someone on a long plane or train ride. Here, the small talk—assuming you keep it to small talk— can last for many hours. Sometimes, this situation produces a kind of “in-flight intimacy” in which you engage in significant self-disclosure, revealing secrets you normally keep hidden, largely because you know you’ll never see this person again.

Even though small talk is noncontrover- sial and brief, it serves important purposes. One obvious purpose is to pass the time more

pleasantly than you might in silence. Another purpose is that it demonstrates that the normal rules of politeness are operating. In the United States, for example, you would be expected to smile and at least say hello to people on an elevator in your apartment building and perhaps at your place of work. It also demonstrates to others that all is well with you.

Guidelines for Effective Small Talk Although “small,” this talk still requires the application of the interpersonal communication skills for “big” talk. Keep in mind, as already noted, that the best topics are noncontroversial and that most small talk is rela- tively brief. Here are a few additional guidelines for more effective small talk:

• Be positive. No one likes a negative doomsayer.

• Be sensitive to leave-taking cues. Small talk is necessarily brief, but at times one person may want it to be a preliminary to the big talk and another person may see it as the sum of the interaction.

• Stress similarities rather than differences; this is a good way to ensure that this small talk is noncontroversial.

• Answer questions with enough elaboration to give the other person information that can then be used to interact with you. Let’s say someone sees a book you’re carrying and says, “I see you’re taking interpersonal communication.” If you say, simply yes, you’ve not given the other person anything to talk with you about. Instead, if you say, “Yes, it’s a great course; I think I’m going to major in communication,” then you have given the other person information that can be addressed. The more elaborate answer also signals your willingness to engage in small talk. Of course, if you do not want to interact, then a simple one-word response will help you achieve your goal.

Making Introductions Making introductions of yourself or of others often creates difficulties which are com- pounded by the simple fact that all situations are unique. Nevertheless, a few general suggestions for making these introductions easier and more comfortable may be offered.

Introducing Yourself Here are a few suggestions that will help you introduce yourself to others whether you’re at a club, in the college cafeteria, or at a party. It’s important to remember that first impressions are long lasting and highly resistant to change. When you introduce yourself to someone you’re giving them a first impression that will influ- ence your future interactions. So, although it is in many ways impersonal and brief, it’s tremendously important.

VIEWPOINTS Gender Stereotypes

One of the stereotypes about gender differences in communication and widely reported in popular writing about gender is that women talk more than men. But one study of 396 college students found that women and men talk about the same number of words per day, about 16,000; more precisely, women spoke an average of 16,215 words while men spoke an average of 15,669 words, a difference that was statistically insignificant (Mehl, Vazire, Ramirez- Esparza, Slatcher, & Pennebaker, 2007). Do your own experiences support the stereotype or do they support these research findings?

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Your first step is to make eye contact and smile so that the person notices. If the other person avoids making eye contact, then this person may not be open to meeting you. If the other person returns eye contact and perhaps a smile, it’s likely that he or she is open to meeting you.

After this nonverbal contact, you can make verbal contact simply by saying hello and your first and last name (leave out any middle initials or name). In some situations—espe- cially business situations—you might want to add your connection with the company or with the event, for example, “Hi, I’m Joe DeVito from the communication department.”

In some situations, this would be followed by a handshake (see Table 8.4). In the United States, the handshake is the most essential gesture of the introduction and gener- ally follows rather specific rules. In other cultures, different rules operate. For example, in Muslim cultures, people of the same sex hug, but people of the opposite sex do not. In Latin America, South America, and the Mediterranean, people are more likely to hug (and perhaps kiss on the cheek) than are Northern Europeans, Asians, and many from the United States. Given the great Hispanic influence on the United States today, it’s probable that the hug-kiss will grow in general popularity. Asians are more reluctant to extend their hands and more often bow, with lower bows required when people of lower status meet someone of higher status.

At the same time that you shake hands, the other person will likely respond simi- larly, “I’m Carol Taylor from computer science.” At this point, you would probably then talk about the event that you’re both attending. If this is a potentially romantic situation, then this might be followed by a compliment, nothing too personal at this point, for example, “I saw you and thought there’s a friendly face and someone I can relate to.”

Throughout this brief introduction, continue to give your full attention to the other person. Be ready to listen more than speak and be ready to use all the other interper- sonal skills discussed throughout this text.

Introducing Another Person The other half of making introductions is to introduce one person to another. Let’s say you’re with Jack and bump into Jill who stops to talk. Because they don’t know each other, it’s your job to introduce them. Generally, it’s best to do this simply but with enough detail to provide a context for further interaction. It might go something like this:

Jill Williams, this is Jack Smith, who works with me at XYZ as marketing man- ager. I went to college with Jill and, if I’m not mistaken, she has just returned from Hawaii.

With this introduction, Jack and Jill can say something to each other based on the infor- mation provided in this brief (32-word) introduction. They can talk about working at XYZ, what it’s like being a marketing manager, what Jill majored in, what Hawaii is like,

Dos Don’ts

Make eye contact at the beginning and maintain it throughout the handshake.

Look away from the person or down at the floor or at your shaking hand.

Smile and otherwise signal positiveness. Appear static or negative. You shake hands not just with your hands but with your whole body.

Extend your entire right hand. Extend just your fingers or your left hand.

Grasp the other person’s hand firmly but without discomforting pressure.

Grasp the other person’s fingers as if you really don’t want to shake hands but you’re making a gesture to be polite.

Pump three times for about 3 to 4 seconds.

Give the person a “dead fish.” Be careful that the other person’s pumping doesn’t lead you to withdraw your own pumping.

Release grasp while still maintaining eye contact.

Hold grasp for an overly long time or release too early.

Table 8.4 Six Steps to an Effective Handshake

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what Jill did in Hawaii, and so on. If you simply said, “Jill, this is Jack” there would be almost nothing for Jack and Jill to talk about.

Also, if you know that the two people have something in common, you might men- tion this—for example, Jack is also a native New Yorker or Jill is also a marathon runner. This will help to ease the communication between Jack and Jill, and is likely to make the interaction more meaningful and satisfying. If you’re unsure about what to reveal in your introduction, it’s best to leave it out. The safest policy is to include only obvi- ously public information. Avoid repeating things either of the individuals might have disclosed to you in confidence or that might be kept hidden from outsiders. Introducing Jack as “soon to be single” may reveal more than Jack would like.

When one of the people being introduced has a right hand that is disabled in some way, the general rule is that if one person shakes hands with other people in the group, he or she should also shake hands with the person who has a disability. The person with a disabled right hand is free to use the left hand in most cultures, although in some cultures the left hand is considered unclean.

As you can imagine, cultural differences may create intercultural difficulties and misunderstandings. For example, if you shake hands in a culture that hugs and kisses, you may appear standoffish. If you hug and kiss in a culture that is used to shaking hands, you may seem presumptuous and overly friendly.

Generally, a man is introduced to a woman rather than the woman to the man. Simi- larly, the lower ranking person—say, in a business organization, in the military, or in a police department—is introduced to the higher-ranking person. When the people are of opposite sex, rank trumps gender—the lower ranking person, regardless of gender, is introduced to the one of higher rank.

The best advice is to watch what the people of the culture you’re in do and try to do likewise. At the same time, don’t get upset if members of other cultures unknowingly “violate” your own culture’s rituals. After all, one ritual is no more inherently logical or correct than any other.

Making Excuses Excuses are explanations that are designed to reduce any negative reactions to what you’ve said or done; the objective is to maintain your positive image (Snyder, 1984; Snyder, Higgins, & Stucky, 1983). Excuses are especially appropriate when you say or are accused of saying something that runs counter to what is expected, sanctioned, or considered “right” by the people with whom you’re in conversation. Ideally, you hope, the excuse will lessen the negative impact of your message.

The major motives for excuse making seem to be to maintain your self-esteem and to project a positive image of yourself to others. Excuses also represent an effort to reduce stress: you may feel that if you can offer an excuse—especially a good one that is accepted by those around you—it will reduce the negative reaction and the subsequent stress that accompanies a poor performance.

Excuses also may enable you to maintain effective interpersonal relationships after some negative behavior. For example, after criticizing a friend’s behavior and observ- ing his or her negative reaction to your criticism, you might offer an excuse such as, “I’m really exhausted. I’m just not thinking straight.” Excuses enable you to place your messages—even your possible failures—in a more favorable light.

Types of Excuses Different researchers have classified excuses into various categories (Cody & Dunn, 2007; Scott & Lyman, 1968). One of the best typologies classifies excuses into three main types (Snyder, 1984):

• I didn’t do it. Here you deny that you have done what you’re being accused of. You may then bring up an alibi to prove you couldn’t have done it, or perhaps you may accuse another person of doing what you’re being blamed for (“I never said that” or “I wasn’t even near the place when it happened”).

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• It wasn’t so bad. Here you admit to doing it but claim the offense was not really so bad or perhaps that there was justification for the behavior (“I only padded the expense account, and even then only modestly” or “Sure, I hit him, but he was asking for it”).

• Yes, but. Here you claim that extenuating circumstances accounted for the behavior, for example, that you weren’t in control of yourself at the time or that you didn’t intend to do what you did (“I was too upset to think” or “I never intended to hurt him; I was actually trying to help”).

Good and Bad Excuses The most important question for most people is what makes a good excuse and what makes a bad excuse (Slade, 1995; Snyder, 1984). Good excuse makers use excuses in moderation; bad excuse makers rely on excuses too often. Good excuse makers accept responsibility for their failures and avoid blaming others, while bad excuse makers won’t acknowledge their mistakes and are quick to pass the blame. Excuse makers who accept responsibility will be perceived as more credible, competent, and likeable than those who deny responsibility (Dunn & Cody, 2000).

What makes one excuse effective and another ineffective varies from one culture to another and depends on factors already discussed, such as the culture’s individualism– collectivism, its power distance, the values it places on assertiveness, and various other cultural tendencies (Tata, 2000). At least in the United States, however, researchers seem to agree that the best excuses in interpersonal communication contain four or five ele- ments (Coleman, 2002; Slade, 1995):

1. You demonstrate that you understand the problem and that your partner’s feelings are legitimate and justified. Avoid minimizing the issue or your partner’s feelings (“It was only $100; you’re overreacting,” “I was only two hours late,” or “It was only one time”).

2. You acknowledge your responsibility. If you did something wrong, avoid qualify- ing your responsibility (“I’m sorry if I did anything wrong”) or expressing a lack of sincerity (“Okay, I’m sorry; it’s obviously my fault—again”). On the other hand, if you can demonstrate that you had no control over what happened and therefore cannot be held responsible, your excuse is likely to be highly persuasive (Heath, Stone, Darley, & Grannemann, 2003).

3. You acknowledge your own displeasure at what you did; you make it clear that you’re not happy with yourself for your actions.

4. You make it clear that your misdeed will never happen again.

5. Some researchers include a fifth step, which is actually an apology. Here you would express your sorrow or regret and perhaps ask forgiveness for what you did.

Apologizing An apology is an expression of regret or sorrow for having said or done something that you shouldn’t have. Often the apology is blended with the excuse—“I didn’t realize how fast I was driving” (the excuse); “I’m really sorry” (the apology). The most basic of all apologies is simply, “I’m sorry.” In popular usage, the apology includes some admission of wrongdoing on the part of the person making the apology. Sometimes the wrongdoing is acknowledged explicitly (“I’m sorry I lied”) and sometimes only by implication (“I’m sorry you’re so upset”). In many cases, the apology also includes a request for forgiveness and some assurance that the behavior won’t be repeated (“Please forgive my lateness; it won’t happen again”).

According to the Harvard Business School Working Knowledge website (http://hbswk.hbs.edu/archive/3481.html), apologies are useful for two main rea- sons: (1) to help repair relationships and (2) to repair the reputation of the wrongdoer. If you do something wrong in your relationship, for example, an apology will help you

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repair the relationship with your partner and per- haps reduce the level of conflict. At the same time, however, realize that other people know about your behavior and an apology will help improve their image of you.

An effective apology, like an effective excuse, must be crafted for the specific situation. Effective apologies to a long-time lover, to a parent, or to a new supervisor are likely to be very different because the individuals and your relationships are different. Similarly, apologies vary greatly from one culture to another (Jandt, 2017). Therefore, the first rule of an effective apology is to take into consider- ation the uniqueness of the situation—the people, context, cultural rules, relationship, specific wrong- doing—for which you might want to apologize.

Some Dos for Effective Apologies Here are some general guidelines for effective apologies. As with all communication guidelines, these need to be adjusted to the unique situation.

• Admit wrongdoing. Admit wrongdoing if indeed wrongdoing occurred. Accept responsibility. Own your own actions; don’t try to pass them off as the work of someone else. Instead of “Smith drives so slow; it’s a wonder I’m only 30 minutes late,” say “I should have taken traffic into consideration.” This admission of wrong- doing, research finds, is the most important component of an effective apology (Lewick, Polin, & Lount, 2016).

• Be apologetic. Say (and mean) “I’m sorry” or “What I did was wrong.”

• Be specific. State in specific rather than general terms what you’ve done. Instead of “I’m sorry for what I did,” say “I’m sorry for getting drunk at the party and flirting with everyone.”

• Express your understanding. Express understanding of how the other person feels, and acknowledge the legitimacy of these feelings. For example, “You have every right to be angry; I should have called.”

• Express your regret. Express your regret that this has created a problem for the other person: “I’m sorry I made you miss your appointment.”

• Offer to correct your behavior. Offer to correct the problem (whenever this is pos- sible), “I’m sorry I didn’t clean up the mess I made; I’ll do it now.”

• Give reassurance. Give assurance that this will not happen again. Say, quite sim- ply, “It won’t happen again” or better and more specifically, “I won’t be late again.”

Some Don’ts for Effective Apologies At the same time that you follow the sugges- tions for crafting an effective apology, try to avoid these common don’ts:

• Don’t apologize needlessly. Don’t apologize when it isn’t necessary.

• Don’t try to justify your behavior. Avoid trying to justify your behavior by mentioning that everyone does it, for example, “Everyone leaves work early on Friday.”

• Don’t minimize your role. Avoid minimizing your wrongdoing by saying that the other person has done something equally wrong. “So I play poker; you play the lottery.”

• Don’t accuse others. Don’t accuse the other person of contributing to the problem. “I should have known you’re overly anxious about receiving the figures exactly at 9 a.m.”

VIEWPOINTS Apologizing

Research finds that women report apologizing more than do men (Schumann & Ross, 2010). Additional research finds that apologies by men are more effective than apologies by women (Walfisch, Van Dijk, & Kark, 2013). One reason for these differences seems to be that men feel that fewer things require an apology than do women and so apologize less. Therefore, when men do apologize, it’s more effective because it happens less often. What other possible explanations might you advance for these gender differences?

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• Don’t minimize other’s feelings. Avoid minimizing the hurt that this may have caused. Avoid comments such as “So the figures arrived a little late. What’s the big deal?”

• Don’t include excuses with the apology. Avoid combinations such as “I’m sorry the figures are late, but I had so much other work to do.” An excuse often negates the apology by saying, in effect, “I’m really not sorry because there was good reason for what I did, but I’m saying ‘I’m sorry’ to cover all my bases and to make this uncomfortable situation go away.”

• Don’t apologize via e-mail. Generally, it’s preferable to use a more personal mode of communication—face-to-face or phone, for example. It’s more difficult, but it’s more effective. (This rule applies unless the wrongdoing was originally committed in e-mail or if e-mail is your only or main form of communication).

Asking for a Favor One of the most difficult of all conversational tasks is to ask someone for a favor. Of course, it depends on the favor and on the relationship you have with the person from whom you want the favor. If it’s a close friend and the favor is relatively easy to per- form, there is little difficulty and little conversational awkwardness. If the favor is to

Apologies are admissions of responsibility for something you did and generally a request to be forgiven. The frequency with which people apologize, however, can depend on their culture.

THE CULTURAL MAP Apologies

These countries are among the most strongly affiliated with individualism, making apologies less important. High individualist cultures do

not concern themselves with ill-feeling among the group as often as high collectivist cultures.

These countries are among the most strongly a�liated with collectivism, making apologies especially important in their emphasis on

peaceful relationships, cohesiveness, and getting along with others.

How would you describe the last few apologies you heard or used yourself? Were they successful? If so, what made the apologies effective or ineffective? Were they culturally influenced?

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a superior, say a work supervisor, and the favor would be difficult or time-consuming to perform, there would be much difficulty and much conversational awkwardness. Asking a total stranger poses still other problems.

Yet, despite these many differences, some general suggestions may be offered. So, how do you ask for a favor? Here are a few steps (also see Table 8.5).

• Select an appropriate communication context. Consider the time, place, and medium of communication—at the very least. Is this the appropriate time? Is this the appropriate place? Is this the most appropriate channel (email, Facebook, phone call, face to face)? Each has advantages and disadvantages.

• Give appropriate feedforward. Tell the person you need to ask for a favor. Avoid overly long feedforwards where you talk all around the intended favor but take too long to get to the point. Don’t procrastinate.

• Ask for the favor. Be honest about what you’re asking. Avoid the annoying ploy of asking for a small favor and then when that is granted ask for something more: for example, asking for a loan of $20, getting it, and then before you leave, asking if another $20 would be possible. This may actually be effective in getting you $40— perhaps even more effective than asking for the $40 right at the start. Yet, it seems a bit sneaky and underhanded and is not likely to work a second time.

Some writers would argue that somewhere along the process of asking for a favor, you compliment the potential favor-giver. Again, this is likely to prove effective. People respond very favorably to flattery, even when that flattery is perceived to be strategi- cally motivated—in this case to get the favor. And yet, this strategy too seems a bit less than totally ethical. A related strategy is to touch the person gently on the arm. This gesture is also a compliment but one that communicates a closeness, a connection.

Give some reason for why you need the favor. This strategy works; people are more apt to comply with a request if they are given some reason for it. Studies have even shown that they will comply if the request is prefaced by a reason that doesn’t make sense. For example, in one study a confederate of the researcher broke into a line of people who were waiting to photocopy various items. The confederate was offered less resistance when the request was phrased something like: Can I get ahead; I have to photocopy something than when no reason was offered—even, as in this case, when the reason wasn’t really a reason.

Provide an easy exit; make it easy for the person to refuse. This suggestion is the polite way to go. It enables the person to save what is called negative face—the need to be autonomous, to have the right to do as one wishes, to not be forced into anything. However, it may well be ineffective. In fact, it’s likely to hinder your getting the favor. Yet, it seems the ethical way to go.

The other half of this equation is responding to the response, also an often-difficult task. If the request is refused, accept the refusal graciously or as graciously as you can. In some cases, repeating your urgent need for this request may actually prove effective. Often, however, it damages the relationship—making one person feel guilty and the other rejected.

If the favor is granted, express thanks both verbally and nonverbally. Say some- thing like “I really appreciate this” or simply “thank you,” Smile, allow your face to

Conversation stage For example:

Opening; you establish contact by phone, social media, face to face.

Hi, Pat, this is Chris. Hello, Pat. How you doing?

Feedforward; you state the need. I need to ask a favor.

Business; you explain the reason for the favor. You see, I lost at the tables, yada, yada, yada

Feedback, being especially careful to preserve the other’s negative face so offer an out

If you can’t do this, I totally understand.

Closing Can you help me out?

Table 8.5 Asking for a Favor

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express your satisfaction, and perhaps shake hands, hug, or kiss—depending on the request and your relationship.

In addition to expressing thanks you might also explain how this is going to help you. Something simple is best: This will save me paying a large penalty or Now I’ll be able to buy that program I need.

If appropriate—as in the loan of money—a promise to pay it back should accom- pany the acceptance. It should also accompany the request, of course. If the favor is not one that involves a clear repayment, then it may help to offer to do the same on another occasion or in some way show that you are prepared and willing to reciprocate.

Express thanks again.

Complimenting A compliment is a message of praise, flattery, or congratulations. The compliment func- tions like a kind of interpersonal glue; it’s a way of relating to another person with positiveness and immediacy. It’s also a conversation starter, “I like your watch; may I ask where you got it?”

Another important purpose of compliments is to influence the other person. An obvious case is when you give a person a compliment in expectation that you will also be compli- mented in turn. But compliments have also been shown to influence other types of behav- iors. For example, when food servers complimented diners on their menu selections, they earned higher tips than when they didn’t express such simple compliments (Seiter & Weger, 2010). In another study, young women who were complimented on their physical appear- ance complied with a young man’s request to have a drink with him significantly more often than those who were not so complimented (Guéguen, Fischer-Lokou, & Lamy, 2013).

Compliments can be unqualified or qualified. The unqualified compliment is a message that is purely positive. “Your paper was just great, an A.” The qualified mes- sage is not entirely positive: “Your paper was great, an A; if not for a few problems, it would have been an A+.” You might also give a qualified compliment by qualifying your own competence; for example, “That song you wrote sounded great, but I really don’t know anything about music.”

A backhanded compliment is really not a compliment at all; it’s usually an insult masquerading as a compliment. For example, you might give a backhanded compli- ment if you say, “That sweater takes away from your pale complexion; it makes you look less washed out” (it compliments the color of the sweater but criticizes the person’s complexion), or “Looks like you’ve finally lost a few pounds; am I right?” (It compli- ments a slimmer appearance but points out that the person is overweight.) Compli- ments are sometimes difficult to give and even more difficult to respond to without discomfort or embarrassment. Fortunately, there are easy-to-follow guidelines.

Giving a Compliment As with all of these every- day conversations, compliments need to be tailored to the specific situation. Nevertheless, here are a few suggestions for giving a compliment that should prove effective in a wide variety of circumstances:

• Be real and honest. Say what you mean and refrain from giving compliments you don’t believe in. They’ll likely sound insincere.

• Compliment in moderation. A compliment that is too extreme (say, for example, “That’s the best decorated apartment I’ve ever seen in my life”) may be viewed as dishonest. Simi- larly, don’t compliment at every possible occa- sion; if you do, your compliments will seem too easy to win and not really meaningful.

VIEWPOINTS Complimenting

Some interpersonal watchers recommend that you compliment people for their accomplishments rather than for who they are or for things over which they have no control. For example, you would compliment people for their clear reports, their poetry, their problem solving, and their tact, but not for being attractive or having green eyes. What do you think of this advice?

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• Be totally complimentary. Avoid qualifying your compliments. If you hear yourself giving a compliment and then adding a “but” or a “however,” stop and rethink what you are going to say. Many people will remember the qualification rather than the compliment, and the qualified compliment will instead feel like a criticism.

• Be specific. Direct your compliment at something specific rather than some- thing general. Instead of saying, “I liked your speech” you might say “I liked your speech—the introduction gained my attention immediately and you held it throughout.” Avoid ambiguous comments that may be taken the wrong way (Whitbourne, 2013b).

• Be personal. Personalize the compliment by referring to your own feelings—“Your song really moved me; it made me recall so many good times”—but not personal about the other person—“Your hair looks so natural; is that a weave or a tou- pee?” At the same time, avoid any compliment that can be misinterpreted as overly sexual. Depending on your relationship with the person, you might use her or his name; people like to hear their name spoken and doubly so when it’s associated with a compliment.

• Compliment accomplishments. Some interpersonal watchers recommend that you compliment people for their accomplishments rather than for who they are or for things over which they have no control. So, for example, you would compliment people for their clear reports, their poetry, their problem solving, their tact, and so on, and you would not compliment someone for being attractive or having beautiful green eyes.

Receiving a Compliment In receiving a compliment, people generally take either one of two options: denial or acceptance. Many people deny the compliment (“It’s nice of you to say, but I know I was terrible”), minimize it (“It isn’t like I wrote the great American novel; it was just an article that no one will read”), change the subject (“So, where should we go for dinner?”), or say nothing. Each of these responses denies the legitimacy of the compliment. Accepting the compliment seems the much better alterna- tive. An acceptance might consist simply of (1) a smile with eye contact (avoid looking at the floor); (2) a simple “thank you”; and (3) if appropriate, a personal reflection where you explain (very briefly) the meaning of the compliment and why it’s important to you (for example, “I really appreciate your comments; I worked really hard on the project and it’s great to hear it was effective”).

Advising Advice is best viewed as a process of giving another person a suggestion for thinking or behaving, usually to effect a change. In many cases, it will take the form of a suggestion to solve a problem. For example, you might advise a friend to change his or her way of looking at a broken love affair, a financial situation, or a career path. Or you might advise someone to do something such as start dating again, invest in certain stocks, or go back to school to complete a degree. Sometimes, the advice serves to encourage the person to stick with what she or he is currently thinking or doing—for example, to stay with Pat despite the difficulties, to hold the stocks the person already has, or to continue on his or her current career path.

One of the most important types of advice is what we might call meta-advice, advice about advice. At least three types of meta-advice can be identified:

• To explore options and choices. This type of meta-advice focuses on helping the person explore the available options. For example, if a friend asks what he or she should do about never having a date, you might help your friend explore the avail- able options (such as dating websites, speed dating, or singles groups) and the advantages and disadvantages of each.

• To seek expert advice. If confronted with a request for advice about a subject you know little about, the best advice is often to seek advice from someone who is an

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expert in the field. When a friend asks what to do about a persistent cough, the best advice seems to be the meta-advice to “talk to your doctor.”

• To delay a decision. If asked for advice about a decision that doesn’t have to be made immediately, one form of meta-advice would be to delay the decision while additional information is collected. For example, if your advice seeker has two weeks to decide on a whether or not to take a job with XYZ Company, meta-advice would suggest that the decision be delayed while the company is researched more thoroughly.

Meta-advice is one of the safest types of advice to give. When you meta-advise to explore options more thoroughly, you’re not so much giving advice as helping the advice seeker to collect the information needed to make his or her own decision.

Giving Advice The following are some suggestions for giving advice effectively:

• Listen. This is the first rule for advice giving. Listen to the person’s thoughts and feelings to discern what he or she really wants. The person who says, for example, “I just don’t know what to do” may be requesting support and active listening rather than advice. The person may simply want to vent in the presence of a friend. The person who says, “What do you think I can do to make the room look better?” might be looking for praise. Rather than advice about what to change, this person may want the response to be, “It’s perfect as it is. I wouldn’t touch a thing.” If you’re in doubt about what the person is seeking, ask.

• Empathize. Try to feel what the other person is feeling. Perhaps you might recall similar situations you were in or similar emotions you experienced. Think about the importance of the issue to the person and, in general, try to put yourself in his or her position.

• Be tentative. If you give advice, give it with the qualifications it requires. The advice seeker has a right to know how sure (or unsure) you are of the advice or what evidence (or lack of evidence) you have that the advice will work.

• Offer options. When appropriate, offer several options and give the pros and cons of each: “If you do X, then A and B are likely to follow.” Even better, allow the advice seeker to identify the possible consequences of each option.

• Ensure understanding. Often people seeking advice are emotionally upset and may not remember everything in the conversation. Seek feedback after giving advice by saying, for example, “Does that make sense?” or “Is my suggestion workable?”

• Keep the interaction confidential. People often seek advice about very personal matters. It’s best to keep such conver- sations confidential, even if you’re not explicitly asked to do so.

• Avoid should statements. People seeking advice still ulti- mately have to make their own decisions. It’s better to say, “You might do X” or “You could do Y” rather than “You should do Z.” Avoid demanding—or even implying—that the person has to follow your advice. This attacks the person’s negative face, his or her need for autonomy.

Receiving Advice Here are a few suggestions for receiving advice:

• If you ask for advice, then accept what the person says. You owe it to the advice giver to listen to and consider the advice, even if you decide not to follow it.

While walking with your sister to the grocery store, you bump into your colleague. You would like to introduce them but you can’t remember your colleague’s name. How do you deal with this?

a. Skip the introduction and start talking normally.

b. Introduce only your sister to your colleague and not vice versa.

c. Introduce your colleague by saying, “She works at my firm.”

d. Apologize for not remembering her name and then make formal introductions.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Dealing with Awkwardness

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• Resist the temptation to retaliate or criticize the advice giver, even if you didn’t ask for advice. Instead of responding with “Well, your hair doesn’t look that great either,” consider if the advice has any merit. If you decide to reject the advice, ask yourself why someone would think you were in need of such advice in the first place.

• Interact with the advice. Talk about it with the advice giver. A process of asking and answering questions is likely to produce added insight into the problem.

• Express your appreciation for the advice. It’s often difficult to give advice. Showing the advice giver some gratitude in return is a good idea.

Responding to Advice Responding appropriately to advice is often a difficult process. Here are some suggestions for making receiving advice more effective:

• Thank the person for the advice. After all, it’s not easy offering advice. This will also ensure that the person will not be reluctant to offer advice in the future.

• Let the other person know that you are thoughtfully considering their advice. Be careful not to indicate that you’re rejecting the advice without due consideration.

• Use your active listening skills: paraphrase what the speaker has said, express understanding for what the speaker said, and ask questions (non-defensively) if there is anything you don’t understand.

• Remember that you don’t have to follow the advice, you just need to let the other person know that you appreciate the proposed help.

In each of these everyday conversations, you have choices in terms of what you say and in terms of how you respond. Consider these choices mindfully, taking into consideration the variety of influencing factors discussed throughout this text and their potential advantages and disadvantages. Once you lay out your choices in this way, you’ll be more likely to select effective ones.

Table 8.6 offers a brief summary of the types of everyday conversations.

Everyday Conversations Effectiveness Characteristics

Making small talk Small talk about noncontroversial topics and be brief.

Making introductions When introducing yourself, make eye contact and smile. When intro- ducing others, the lower rank is introduced to the higher rank, the man to the woman.

Making excuses Demonstrate understanding, responsibility, personal displeasure, and a commitment to it not happening again.

Apologizing Be apologetic (really) and specific, express understanding and a com- mitment to it not happening again, omit excuses, and express the apology through the appropriate channel.

Asking a favor Select the right channel, give appropriate feedforward, ask for the favor.

Complimenting Be honest, compliment in moderation, avoid qualifying compliments, be specific and personal.

Advising Listen, empathize, be tentative, ensure understanding, maintain confi- dentiality, and avoid should.

Table 8.6 In a Nutshell Effective Everyday Conversations

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9. In self-disclosing, consider your motivation, the appropriateness of the disclosure to the person and context, the emergence (or absence) of reciprocal dis- closure from the other person, and the possible bur- dens that the self-disclosure might impose on others and on yourself.

10. In responding to the disclosures of others, listen effectively, support and reinforce the discloser, keep disclosures confidential, and don’t use disclosures as weapons.

11. In some situations, you’ll want to resist self-disclos- ing by being determined not to be pushed into it, being assertive and direct, or being indirect.

Everyday Conversations 8.3 Identify the guidelines for small talk; making

introductions, excuses, and apologies; asking a favor; and giving and receiving compliments and advice.

12. Small talk is pervasive, noncontroversial, and often serves as a polite way of introducing one’s self or a topic.

13. In introducing people, the lower-ranking individual is introduced to the higher ranking.

14. Excuses are explanations designed to lessen any negative implications of a message.

15. Apologies are expressions of regret or sorrow for having done what you did or for what happened.

16. Asking for a favor involves selecting the right chan- nel, giving appropriate feedforward, and asking.

17. A compliment is a message of praise, flattery, or con- gratulations and often enables you to interact with positiveness and immediacy.

18. Advice—telling another person what he or she should do—can be specific or general (meta-advice).

Principles of Conversation 8.1 Describe the major principles of conversation.

1. The principle of process emphasizes that conversation is a process rather than an act; it’s a process with an opening, feedforward, business, feedback, and closing.

2. The principle of cooperation emphasizes that con- versation proceeds with the assumption that each person is cooperating in the process.

3. The principle of politeness is designed to emphasize that there is a politeness dimension to conversation; some, probably most, are polite; others not so much.

4. The principle of dialogue emphasizes that conversa- tion involves two involved people.

5. The principle of turn taking points to the most obvi- ous aspect of conversation, namely, that it’s essentially a process of exchanging speaking and listening turns.

Conversational Disclosure 8.2 Define self-disclosure, its potential rewards and

dangers, and the guidelines for disclosing, responding to disclosures, and resisting the pressure to disclose.

6. Self-disclosure is revealing information about your- self to others—usually information that is normally hidden.

7. Self-disclosure is influenced by a variety of factors: who you are, your culture, your gender, your listen- ers, and your topic and channel.

8. Among the rewards of self-disclosure are self- knowl- edge, ability to cope, communication effectiveness, meaningfulness of relationships, and physiological health. Among the dangers are personal risks, rela- tional risks, professional risks, and the fact that com- munication is irreversible; once something is said, you can’t take it back.

This chapter reviewed the principles of conversation, the nature of conversational disclosure, and some everyday conversations such as small talk, introducing people, making excuses, apolo- gizing, asking for a favor, giving and receiving compliments, and giving and receiving advice.

Summary

advice apology back-channeling cues backhanded compliment compliment conversation conversational maxims conversational turns cooperation

dialogue disinhibition effect excuse expressiveness gossip interruptions manner maxim meta-advice monologue

phatic communication politeness quality maxim quantity maxim reciprocity relation maxim self-disclosure small talk

Key Terms

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