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Perception of the Self and Others

CHAPTER THREE

Learning Objectives 3.1 Define self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem, and

identify the suggestions for increasing awareness and esteem.

3.2 Explain the five stages of perception and how they influence how you receive messages.

3.3 Define the major impression formation processes and the ways to increase accuracy in perception.

3.4 Explain the impression management strategies that may help you to be liked, to be believed, to excuse failure, to secure help, to hide faults, to be followed, and to confirm your self-image.

Chapter Topics The Self in Interpersonal Communication

Perception in Interpersonal Communication

Impression Formation

Impression Management: Goals and Strategies

Accurate perception is often difficult. Learning the strategies for increasing accuracy will help.

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This chapter discusses two interrelated topics—the self (including self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem) and the nature of perception. Then these con- cepts are applied by looking at the ways in which you form impressions of others

and how you manage the impressions of yourself that you convey to others.

The Self in Interpersonal Communication 3.1 Define self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem and identify the

suggestions for increasing awareness and esteem.

Let’s begin this discussion by focusing on several fundamental aspects of the self: self- concept (the way you see yourself), self-awareness (your insight into and knowledge about yourself), and self-esteem (the value you place on yourself). In these discus- sions, you’ll see how these dimensions influence and are influenced by the way you communicate.

Self-Concept You no doubt have an image of who you are; this is your self-concept. It consists of your feelings and thoughts about your strengths and weaknesses, your abilities and limita- tions, and your aspirations and worldview (Black, 1999). Your self-concept develops from at least four sources: (1) the image of you that others have and that they reveal to you, (2) the comparisons you make between yourself and others, (3) the teachings of your culture, and (4) the way you interpret and evaluate your own thoughts and behaviors (previewed in Figure 3.1).

Figure 3.1 The Sources of Self-Concept

This diagram depicts the four sources of self-concept, the four contributors to how you see yourself: (1) others’ images of you; (2) social comparisons; (3) cultural teachings; and (4) your own observations, interpretations, and evaluations. As you read about self-concept, consider the influence of each factor throughout your life. Are the influences of each factor likely to change with age? For example, do the same factors influence you in the same way they did when you were a preteen? Which will likely influence you the most 25 or 30 years from now?

Self-concept

Social comparisons

Cultural teachings

Self- evaluations

Others’ images

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Others’ Images According to Charles Horton Cooley’s (1922) concept of the looking- glass self, when you want to discover, say, how friendly or how assertive you are, you look at the image of yourself that others reveal to you through the way they treat you and react to you (Hensley, 1996). You look especially to those who are most significant in your life. As a child, for example, you look to your parents and then to your teachers. As an adult, you may look to your friends, romantic partners, and colleagues at work. If these important others think highly of you, you’ll see this positive image of yourself reflected in their behaviors; if they think little of you, you’ll see a more negative image.

Social Comparisons Another way you develop self-concept is by comparing yourself with others, most often with your peers (Festinger, 1954). For example, after an exam, you probably want to know how you performed relative to the other students in your class. This gives you a clearer idea of how effectively you performed. If you play on a baseball team, it’s important to know your batting average in comparison with the batting averages of others on the team. You gain a different perspective when you see yourself in comparison to your peers. And social networks have provided a great opportunity to engage in comparisons. This seems especially true for women, who, research finds, use social media sites to compare themselves to others. Men, on the other hand, use social media more to look at the profiles of others and to search for additional friends (Haferkamp, Eimler, Papadakis, & Kruck, 2012).

For good or ill, social media have provided you with the tools (all very easy to use) to compare yourself to others and thus to estimate your individual worth or make you feel better about yourself. Here are a half dozen ways social media enable you to find out where you stand.

• Search engine reports Type in your name on Google, Bing, or Yahoo!, for example, and you’ll see the number of websites on which your name (and similarly named others) appears. Type in a colleague’s name and you get his or her “score,” which, you’re no doubt hoping, is lower than yours.

• Network spread Your number of friends on Facebook or your contacts on LinkedIn or Plaxo is in some ways a measure of your potential influence, a practice that seems to encourage friend-collecting behavior. Look at a friend’s profile and you have your comparison. And you can easily find websites that will surf the Internet to help you contact more social network friends. Recently, for example, the State Department spent some $630,000 to attract friends and followers to its Facebook and Twitter accounts (McKelway, 2013).

• Online influence Network sites such as Klout and Peer Index provide you with a score (from 0 to 100) of your online influence. Your Klout score, for example, is a combination of your “true reach”—the number of people you influence, “amplification”—the degree to which you influence them, and “network”—the influence of your network. Postrank Analytics, on the other hand, provides you with a measure of engagement—the degree to which people interact with, pay attention to, read, or comment on what you write.

• Twitter activities The number of times you tweet might be one point of com- parison but more important is the number of times you are tweeted about or your tweets are repeated (retweets). Twitalyzer can provide you with a three-part score (an impact score, a Klout score, and a Peer Index score) and can also enable you to search the “twitter elite” for the world as well as for any specific area (you can search by zip code). Assuming your Twitter score is what you’d like it to be, a single click enables you to post this score on your own Twitter page.

• Blog presence Your blog presence is readily available from your “stats” tab, where you can see how many people visited your blog since inception or over the past year, month, week, or day. And you’ll also see a map of the world indicating where people who are visiting your blog come from.

• References to written works Google Scholar, for example, enables you to see how many other writers have cited your works (and how many cited the works of the

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person you’re comparing) and the works in which you were cited. And, of course, Amazon and other online book dealers provide rank- ings of your books along with a star system based on reviewers’ comments.

Cultural Teachings Through your par- ents, teachers, and the media, your culture instills in you a variety of beliefs, values, and attitudes—about success (how you define it and how you should achieve it); about your religion, race, or nationality; and about the ethical principles you should follow in busi- ness and in your personal life. These teach- ings provide benchmarks against which you can measure yourself. For example, achiev- ing what your culture defines as success con-

tributes to a positive self-concept. A perceived failure to achieve what your culture promotes (for example, not being in a permanent relationship by the time you’re 30) may contribute to a negative self-concept.

Self-Evaluations Much in the way others form images of you based on what you do, you also react to your own behavior; you interpret and evaluate it. These interpretations and evaluations help to form your self-concept. For example, let us say that you believe lying is wrong. If you lie, you will evaluate this behavior in terms of your internalized beliefs about lying. You’ll thus react negatively to your own behavior. You may, for exam- ple, experience guilt if your behavior contradicts your beliefs. In contrast, let’s say that you tutor another student and help him or her pass a course. You will probably evaluate this behavior positively; you will feel good about this behavior and, as a result, about yourself.

Self-Awareness Your self-awareness represents the extent to which you know yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses, your thoughts and feelings, and your personality tendencies. Understanding how your self-concept develops is one way to increase your self- awareness: The more you understand about why you view yourself as you do, the more you will understand who you are. Additional insight is gained by looking at self-awareness through the Johari model of the self, or your four selves (Luft, 1984).

Your Four Selves Self-awareness is neatly explained by the model of the four selves— the Johari window. This model, presented in Figure 3.2, has four basic areas, or quad- rants, each of which represents a somewhat different self: the open self, the blind self, the hidden self, and the unknown self. The Johari model emphasizes that the several aspects of the self are not separate pieces but are interactive parts of a whole. Each part is dependent on each other part. Like that of interpersonal communication, this model of the self is transactional. Each person’s Johari window is different, and each indi- vidual’s window varies from one time to another and from one interpersonal situation to another. Figure 3.3, for example, illustrates two possible configurations.

• The open self represents all the information about you—behaviors, attitudes, feelings, desires, motivations, and ideas—that you and others know. The type of information included here might range from your name, skin color, and sex to your age, political and religious affiliations, and financial situation. Your open self varies in size depend- ing on the situation you’re in and the person with whom you’re interacting. Some people, for example, make you feel comfortable and supported; to them, you open yourself wide, but to others you may prefer to leave most of yourself closed.

VIEWPOINTS Social Comparisons

Consider the ways in which you engage in social comparisons. Do you engage more in downward social comparison (comparing yourself to those you know are inferior to you in some way) or in upward social comparison (comparing yourself to those who you think are better than you)? How do you feel about yourself when making these two very different comparisons?

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• The blind self represents all the things about you that others know but of which you’re ignorant. These may include relatively insignificant habits like saying “You know,” gestures like rubbing your nose when you get angry, or traits such as a dis- tinct body odor; they may also include details as significant as defense mechanisms, fight strategies, or repressed experiences.

• The hidden self contains all that you know of yourself that you keep secret. In any interaction, this area includes everything you don’t want to reveal, whether it’s relevant or irrelevant to the conversation. At the extremes of the hidden-self spec- trum, we have the overdisclosers and the underdisclosers. The overdisclosers tell all. They tell you their marital difficulties, their children’s problems, their financial status, and just about everything else. The underdisclosers tell nothing. They talk about you but not about themselves.

• The unknown self represents truths about yourself that neither you nor others know. Sometimes this unknown self is revealed through temporary changes brought about by special experimental conditions such as hypnosis or sensory deprivation. Some- times this area is revealed by certain projective tests or dreams. Mostly, however, it’s revealed by the fact that you’re constantly learning things about yourself that you didn’t know before (things that were previously in the unknown self)—for example, that you become defensive when someone asks you a question or voices disagree- ment, or that you compliment others in the hope of being complimented back.

Growing in Self-Awareness Here are five ways you can increase your self-awareness:

• Ask yourself about yourself. One way to ask yourself about yourself is to take an infor- mal “Who Am I?” test (Bugental & Zelen, 1950; Grace & Cramer, 2003). Title a piece of paper “Who Am I?” and write 10, 15, or 20 times “I am . . .” Then complete each of the sentences. Try not to give only positive or socially acceptable responses; just respond with what comes to mind first. Take another piece of paper and divide it into two col- umns; label one column “Strengths” and the other column “Weaknesses.” Fill in each column as quickly as possible. Using these first two tests as a base, take a third piece of paper, title it “Self-Improvement Goals,” and complete the statement “I want to improve my . . .” as many times as you can in five minutes. Because you’re constantly changing, these self-perceptions and goals also change, so update them frequently.

Figure 3.2 The Johari Window

Visualize this model as representative of yourself. The entire model is of constant size, but each section can vary from very small to very large. As one section becomes smaller, one or more of the others grows larger. Similarly, as one section grows, one or more of the others must get smaller. For example, if you reveal a secret and thereby enlarge your open self, this shrinks your hidden self. This disclosure may in turn lead to a decrease in the size of your blind self (if your disclosure influences other people to reveal what they know about you but that you have not known). How would you draw your Johari window to show yourself when interacting with your parents? With your friends on Facebook or another social media site? With your college instructors? The name Johari, by the way, comes from the first names of the two people who developed the model, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.

SOURCE: Group Processes: An Introduction to Group Dynamics, 3d ed. by Joseph Luft, 1984, p. 60. Reprinted by permission of Mayfield Publishing Company, Mountain View, CA.

Known to Self Not Known to Self

K n

o w

n t

o O

th er

s N

o t

K n

o w

n to

O th

er s

Open Self Blind Self Information about yourself that you and others know

Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Hidden Self Unknown Self

Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

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• Listen to others. You can learn a lot about yourself by seeing yourself as others do. In most interpersonal interactions—whether they be face-to-face or online, people com- ment on you in some way—on what you do, what you say, how you look. Sometimes these comments are explicit; most often they’re found in the way others look at you, in what they talk about, in what they tweet, in the pictures they post, in their interest in what you say or post. Pay close attention to this verbal and nonverbal information.

• Actively seek information about yourself. Actively seek out information to reduce your blind self. You need not be so obvious as to say, “Tell me about myself” or “What do you think of me?” But you can use everyday situations to gain self-information: “Do you think I was assertive enough when asking for the raise?” Or “Would I be thought too forward if I invited myself for dinner?” Do not, of course, seek this infor- mation constantly; your friends would quickly find others with whom to interact.

• See your different selves. Each person with whom you have an interpersonal rela- tionship views you differently; to each, you’re a somewhat different person. Yet you are really all of these selves, and your self-concept is influenced by each of these views as they are reflected back to you in everyday interpersonal interactions. For starters, visualize how you’re seen by your mother, your father, your teachers, your best friend, the stranger you sat next to on the bus, your employer, your neighbor’s child. The experience will give you new and valuable perspectives on yourself.

• Increase your open self. When you reveal yourself to others and increase your open self, you also reveal yourself to yourself. At the very least, you bring into clearer focus what you may have buried within. As you discuss yourself, you may see con- nections that you had previously missed, and with the aid of feedback from others you may gain still more insight. Also, by increasing the open self, you increase the likelihood that a meaningful and intimate dialogue will develop, which will enable you to get to know yourself better.

Self-Esteem Self-esteem is a measure of how valuable you think you are. If you have high self- esteem, you think highly of yourself; if you have low self-esteem, you tend to view yourself negatively. Self-esteem includes cognitive or thinking, affective or emotional, and behavioral components (Reasoner, 2010).

• Cognitive self-esteem refers to your thinking about your strengths and weak- nesses, about who you are versus who you’d like to be. What is your ideal self? How close are you to achieving this ideal self?

Figure 3.3 Johari Windows of Different Structures

Notice that as one self grows, one or more of the other selves shrink. Assume that these models depict the self-awareness and self-disclosure of two different people. How would you describe the type of communication (especially self-disclosure) that might characterize each of these two people?

Unknown Self Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

Unknown Self Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

Open Self Information about yourself that you and others know

Blind Self Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Hidden Self Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

Blind Self Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Open Self Information about yourself that you and others know

Hidden Self Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

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• Affective self-esteem refers to your feelings about yourself in light of your analysis of your strengths and weaknesses. For example, do you feel pleased with yourself? Does your analysis lead you to feel dissatisfied and perhaps depressed?

• Behavioral self-esteem refers to verbal and nonverbal behaviors such as your dis- closures, your assertiveness, your conflict strategies, your gestures. Do you assert yourself in group situations? Do you allow others to take advantage of you? Are you confident enough to disclose who you really are?

Self-esteem plays a major role in the way we see ourselves vis-à-vis the world, and helps determine our confidence, happiness, and satisfaction with our lives. Before we delve further into this subject, here’s a quick quiz to help gauge your level of self-esteem. Respond with T for true if the statement describes you at least some significant part of the time, or F for false if the statement describes you rarely or never.

____ 1. I think that I will be successful only when I achieve all my dreams.

____ 2. I think I need to do a lot more to start looking good.

____ 3. I feel overwhelmed when I am around smart and successful people.

____ 4. I go along with the choices of my friends, as I am unsure if mine are right.

____ 5. I often apologize even though I know I am not wrong.

____ 6. I feel dejected when I am not appreciated for something I have done well or I am criticized for an error.

True responses to most of these statements generally suggest that you do not fully appreciate yourself. False responses to most of these statements indicate that you are likely to have a positive self-esteem. The following discussion elaborates on these statements/beliefs and illustrates why each of them creates problems for the development of healthy self-esteem.

The basic idea behind self-esteem is that when you feel good about yourself—about who you are and what you’re capable of doing—you will perform better. When you think you’re a success, you’re more likely to act like you’re a success. Conversely, when you think you’re a failure, you’re more likely to act like you’re a failure. When you reach for the phone to ask the most popular student in the school for a date and you visualize yourself being successful and effective, you’re more likely to give a good impression. If, on the other hand, you think you’re going to forget what you want to say or stutter or say something totally stupid, you’re less likely to be successful.

Low self-esteem is learned (Lancer, 2013). Somewhere, somehow you learned that your feelings are not justified or that you aren’t capable of doing this or that. And because it’s learned behavior, it’s possible to change this, although it’s not an easy pro- cess (Gross, 2006). Here are six suggestions for increasing self-esteem that parallel the questions in the self-test (also see Figure 3.4).

Attack Self-Destructive Beliefs Challenge self-destructive beliefs—ideas you have about yourself that are unproductive or that make it more difficult for you to achieve your goals (Einhorn, 2006; Butler, 1981; Gross, 2006). Often, these self-destructive beliefs tell you that you should be able to achieve unrealistic goals. Here, for example, are some beliefs that are likely to prove self-destructive:

• I should be liked by everyone.

• I should be successful in everything I do.

• I should always win.

• I should be totally in control of my life.

• I should always be productive.

These beliefs set unrealistically high standards, and therefore almost always end in failure. As a result, you may develop a negative self-image, seeing yourself as

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someone who constantly fails. So replace these self-destructive beliefs with more productive ones, such as these:

• It would be nice to be loved by everyone, but it isn’t necessary to my happiness.

• It’s nice to be successful but impossible to be successful at everything.

• It would be nice if I always won but no one can always win. And I don’t have to win all the time to be happy. I can deal with losing.

• I can’t possibly control everything that has an impact on my life. Only some things are under my control.

• There is a limit on what one person can do; it’s okay if I do what I can do and don’t do the rest.

Seek out Nourishing People Psychologist Carl Rogers (1970) drew a distinction between noxious and nourishing people. Noxious people criticize and find fault with just about everything. Nourishing people, on the other hand, are positive and opti- mistic. Most important, they reward us, they stroke us, they make us feel good about ourselves. To enhance your self-esteem, seek out these people. At the same time, avoid noxious people—those who make you feel negatively about yourself. Seek to become more nourishing yourself so that you can build up others’ self-esteem.

Identification with people similar to yourself also seems to increase self-esteem. For example, deaf people who identified with the larger deaf community had greater self-esteem than those who didn’t so identify (Jambor & Elliott, 2005). Similarly, iden- tification with your cultural group also seems helpful in fostering positive self-esteem (McDonald, McCabe, Yeh, Lau, Garland, & Hough, 2005).

Beware the Impostor Phenomenon The impostor phenomenon refers to the ten- dency to disregard outward signs of success and to consider yourself an “impostor,” a fake, a fraud, one who doesn’t really deserve to be considered successful (Cuddy, 2015; Clance, 1985; Harvey & Katz, 1985). Even though others may believe you are a success, you “know” that they are wrong. As you might expect, this tendency is more likely in new situations—a new job, say. One of the dangers of this belief is that it may prevent you from seeking advancement in your profession, believing you

Figure 3.4 Climbing to Higher Self-Esteem

Attack self-destructive beliefs

Beware the impostor phenomenon

Seek out nourishing others

Work on projects that result in success

Remind yourself of your successes

Secure affirmation

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

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won’t be up to the task. Becoming aware that such beliefs are not uncommon and that they are not necessarily permanent should help relieve some of these misperceptions. Another useful aid is to develop a relationship with an honest and knowledgeable mentor who will not only teach you the ropes but will let you know that you are successful. At the same time, be careful of the Lake Wobegon effect—a concept taken from Garrison Keillor’s novel, Lake Wobegon, in which everyone in the town was above average; it refers to the tendency to see ourselves as better, more competent, and more intelligent than our peers without any real evidence or reason.

Work on Projects that will Result in Success Some people want to fail (or so it seems). Often, they select projects that result in failure simply because these projects are impossible to complete. Avoid this trap and select projects that result in success. Each suc- cess helps to build your self-esteem. Each success, too, will make the next success a little easier. If a project does fail, recognize that this does not mean that you’re a failure. Everyone fails somewhere along the line. Failure is something that happens to you; it’s not something you’ve cre- ated, and it’s not something inside you. Failing once does not mean that you will fail the next time. Learn to put failure in perspective.

Remind Yourself of Your Successes Some people have a tendency to focus on and to exaggerate their failures, their missed opportunities, their social mistakes. However, others witnessing these failures give them much less importance (Savitsky, Epley, & Gilovich, 2001). If your objective is to correct what you did wrong or to identify the skills that you need to correct these failures, then focusing on failures can have some positive value. But if you focus only on failure without forming any plans for correc- tion, then you’re probably just making life more difficult for yourself and limiting your self-esteem. To counteract the tendency to recall failures, remind yourself of your suc- cesses. Recall these successes both intellectually and emotionally. Realize why they were successes, and relive the emotional experience when you sank that winning basketball, or aced that test, or helped that friend overcome personal problems. And while you’re at it, recall your positive qualities.

Secure Affirmation An affirmation is simply a statement asserting that something is true. In discussions of self-concept and self-awareness, the word affirmation is used to refer to positive statements about yourself, statements asserting that something good or positive is true of you. It’s frequently rec- ommended that you remind yourself of your suc- cesses with affirmations—that you focus on your good deeds; on your positive qualities, strengths, and virtues; and on your productive and mean- ingful relationships with friends, loved ones, and relatives (Aronson, Cohen, & Nail, 1998; Aronson, Wilson, Akert, & Sommers, 2016).

One useful way to look at self-affirmation is in terms of “I am,” “I can,” and “I will” statements (www.coping.org).

• “I am” statements focus on your self-image— on how you see yourself—and might include, for example, “I am a worthy person,” “I am responsible,” “I am capable of loving,” and “I am a good team player.”

VIEWPOINTS Self-Esteem and Facebook

The difference between those with high and those with low self-esteem is even shown in how they post on social media (Nie & Sundar, 2013). Those with high self-esteem post information about their family, work, and education. Those with low self-esteem do this less and spend much of their social media time monitoring their wall and deleting any posts or photos that may reflect on them negatively. How do you see the relationship between self-esteem and posting to social media?

You studied in your country’s top management insti- tute, got married, had twins, and decided to be a stay-at-home parent. At a college reunion, you see that all of your classmates have achieved professional success. How do you speak about yourself?

a. As a proud parent of beautiful twins.

b. As the spouse of a successful professional.

c. As a person who missed the boat to success and is now stuck at home.

d. You avoid talking about yourself.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Self-Esteem

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• “I can” statements focus on your abilities and might include, for example, “I can accept my past but also let it go,” “I can learn to be a more responsive partner,” “I can assert myself when appropriate,” and “I can control my anger.”

• “I will” statements focus on useful and appropriate goals you want to achieve and might include, for example, “I will get over my guilty feelings,” “I will study more effectively,” “I will act more supportively,” and “I will not take on more responsibility than I can handle.”

The idea behind this advice is that the way you talk to yourself influences what you think of your- self. If you affirm yourself—if you tell yourself that you’re a friendly person, that you can be a leader,

that you will succeed on the next test—you will soon come to feel more positively about yourself. Before reading on, reflect on your nine statements. How did writing these and thinking about them make you feel?

Some researchers, however, argue that such affirmations—although extremely popular in self-help books—may not be very helpful. These critics contend that if you have low self-esteem, you’re not going to believe your self-affirmations because you don’t have a high opinion of yourself to begin with (Paul, 2001). According to this view, the alternative to self-affirmation is securing affirmation from others. You do this by, for example, becoming more interpersonally competent and interacting with more posi- tive people. In this way, you’d get more positive feedback from others—which, these researchers argue, is more helpful than self-talk in raising self-esteem.

Table 3.1 summarizes these basic concepts of the self that are at the heart of all interpersonal communication.

VIEWPOINTS The Gift Economy

In one experiment, three types of “invitations” to use a flower delivery service were offered: Group 1 users were offered $10 to invite friends to use the service; Group 2 users were offered the chance to give a $10 discount to someone they invited, but they received no money themselves; and Group 3 users and invitees were each offered $5. Which group of users do you think sent their friends more invitations? The answer is that Groups 2 and 3 generated more “sends” than did Group 1 (Aral, 2013). The researcher notes that this conforms to the notion of a gift economy, where being generous increases one’s status. Have you seen examples of this gift economy in your own social media experiences? How does this gift economy relate to self-esteem?

Definition

Self-concept the image you have of who you are, derived from others’ images of you, social comparisons, cultural teachings, and self-evaluations

Self-awareness the extent to which you know yourself and the information in your open, blind, hid- den, and unknown self

Self-esteem the extent to which you value yourself which can be increased through, for exam- ple, attacking self-destructive beliefs, being aware of the impostor phenomenon, seeking out nourishing others, working on successful projects, reminding yourself of your successes, and securing affirmation

Table 3.1 In a Nutshell The Self Concept

Perception in Interpersonal Communication 3.2 Explain the five stages of perception and how they influence how you receive

messages.

Perception is the process by which you become aware of objects, events, and espe- cially people through your senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Perception is an active, not a passive, process. Your perceptions result both from what exists in the outside world and from your own experiences, desires, needs and wants, loves, and hatreds. Among the reasons perception is so important in interpersonal communication is that it influences your communication choices. The messages you send and listen to

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depend on how you see the world, on how you evaluate specific situations, and on what you think of yourself and of the people with whom you interact.

Interpersonal perception is a continuous series of processes that blend into one another. For convenience of discussion, we can separate interpersonal perception into five stages: (1) You sense, you pick up some kind of stimulation; (2) you organize the stimuli in some way; (3) you interpret and evaluate what you perceive; (4) you store it in memory; and (5) you retrieve it when needed (Figure 3.5).

Stage One: Stimulation At this first stage of perception, your sense organs are stimulated—you hear a new song, see a friend, smell someone’s perfume, taste an orange, receive an instant mes- sage, feel another’s sweaty palm. Change and newness seem to be particularly stimulat- ing and often get your attention. This is one of the reasons that changing your profile photo gets you more attention; you “look new” (Roper, 2014). Contrast also seems to prove especially stimulating and attention-getting; if there are six or seven similar items and one different, you’re likely to focus on the different one.

It’s especially important to understand that at this first stage you perceive selec- tively; you engage in what is called selective perception, a general term that includes selective attention and selective exposure:

• In selective attention, you attend to those things that you anticipate will fulfill your needs or will prove enjoyable. For example, when daydreaming in class, you don’t hear what the instructor is saying until your name is called. Your selective attention mechanism then focuses your senses on your name. As you can appreciate from searching the web and especially social media sites, selective attention is made more difficult by the enormity of information available on every computer screen and the varied ways in which it comes at you, for example, with pop-up images and videos and advertisements you’re forced to listen to.

• Through selective exposure, you expose yourself to people or messages that confirm your existing beliefs, contribute to your objectives, or prove satisfying in some way. For example, after you buy a car, you’re more apt to read and listen to advertisements for the car you just bought because these messages tell you that you made the right decision. At the same time, you are likely to avoid advertisements for the cars that you considered but eventually rejected because these messages would tell you that you made the wrong decision.

Stage Two: Organization At the second stage, you organize the information your senses pick up. Three interest- ing ways in which people organize their perceptions are by rules, by schemata, and by scripts. Let’s look at each briefly.

Organization by Rules In the organization of perceptions by rules, one frequently used is the rule of proximity or physical closeness: Things that are physically close to each other are

Figure 3.5 The Stages of Perception

Perception occurs in stages. Understanding how perception works will help you make your own perceptions (of yourself and of others) more accurate.

Stage one Stimulation

Stage two Organization

Stage three Interpretation– evaluation

Stage four Memory

Stage five Recall

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perceived as a unit. Thus, using this rule, you tend to perceive people who are often together, or messages spoken one immediately after the other, as units, as belonging together.

Another is the rule of similarity: Things that are physically similar (they look alike) are perceived as belonging together and forming a unit. This principle of similarity may lead you to see people who dress alike as belonging together. Similarly, you may assume that people who work at the same jobs, who are of the same religion, who live in the same building, or who talk with the same accent belong together.

The rule of contrast is the opposite of similarity: When items (people or messages, for example) are very different from each other, you conclude that they don’t belong together; they’re too different from each other to be part of the same unit. If you’re the only one who shows up at an informal gathering dressed unlike anyone else in the group, you’ll be seen as not belonging to the group because you contrast too much with the other people present.

Organization by Schemata Another way you organize material is by creating schemata, mental templates that help you organize the millions of items of information you come into contact with every day (as well as those you already have in memory). Schemata, the plural of schema (though schemas is used in many texts), may thus be viewed as general ideas about people (e.g., about Pat and Chris, Japanese people, Bap- tists, Texans), about yourself (your qualities, abilities, liabilities), or about social roles (the characteristics of a police officer, professor, multibillionaire CEO).

You develop schemata from your own experience—actual as well as via televi- sion, reading, the Internet, and hearsay. You might have a schema for college athletes, for example, and this might include an image of college athletes as strong, ambitious, academically weak, and egocentric.

Organization by Scripts A script is really a type of schema, but because it’s a differ- ent type, it’s given a different name. A script is an organized body of information about some action, event, or procedure. It’s a general idea of how some event should play out or unfold; it’s the rules governing events and their sequence. For example, you prob- ably have a script for eating in a restaurant, with the actions organized into a pattern something like this: Enter, take a seat, review the menu, order from the menu, eat your food, ask for the bill, leave a tip, pay the bill, and exit the restaurant. Similarly, you probably have scripts for how you do laundry, how an interview is to be conducted, the stages you go through in introducing someone to someone else, and the way you ask for a date.

As you can appreciate, rules, schemata, and scripts are useful shortcuts to sim- plify your understanding, remembering, and recalling information about people and events. They also enable you to generalize, make connections, and otherwise profit from previously acquired knowledge. If you didn’t have these shortcuts, you’d have to treat every person or action differently from each other person or action. This would make every experience a new one, totally unrelated to anything you already know. As you’ll see in the next stage, however, these shortcuts may mislead you; they may contribute to your remembering things that are consistent with your schemata (even if they didn’t occur) and to your distorting or forgetting information that is inconsistent.

Stage Three: Interpretation–Evaluation The interpretation–evaluation step in perception (a combined term because the two processes cannot be separated) is greatly influenced by your experiences; needs; wants; values; beliefs about the way things are or should be; expectations; physical and emo- tional state; and so on. Your interpretation–evaluation is influenced by your rules, sche- mata, and scripts as well as by your gender; for example, women have been found to view others more positively than men (Winquist, Mohr, & Kenny, 1998).

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For example, on meeting a new person who is introduced to you as Ben Williams, a college football player, you’re likely to apply your schema for athletes to this person and view him as strong, ambitious, academically weak, and egocentric. You will, in other words, see this person through the filter of your schema and evaluate him according to your schema for college athletes. Similarly, when viewing someone performing some series of actions (say, eating in a restaurant), you apply your script to this event and view the event through the script. You will interpret the actions of the diner as appropri- ate or inappropriate depending on your script for this behavior and the ways in which the diner performed the sequence of actions.

Judgments about members of other cultures are often ethnocentric. Because your schemata and scripts are created on the basis of your own cultural beliefs and experi- ences, you can easily (but inappropriately) apply these to members of other cultures. And so it’s easy to infer that when members of other cultures do things that conform to your own scripts, they’re right; and when they do things that contradict your scripts, they’re wrong—a classic example of ethnocentric thinking. This tendency can easily contribute to intercultural misunderstandings.

Stage Four: Memory Your perceptions and their interpretations–evaluations are put into memory; they’re stored so that you may retrieve them at some later time. So, for example, you have in memory your schema for college athletes and the fact that Ben Williams is a football player. Ben Williams is then stored in memory with “cognitive tags” that tell you that he’s strong, ambitious, academically weak, and egocentric. Despite the fact that you’ve not witnessed Ben’s strength or ambitions and have no idea of his academic record or his psychological profile, you still may store your memory of Ben along with the quali- ties that make up your schema for “college athletes.”

Now let’s say that at different times you hear that Ben failed Spanish I, normally an A or B course at your school; that Ben got an A in chemistry, normally a tough course; and that Ben is transferring to Harvard as a theoretical physics major. Schemata act as filters or gatekeepers; they allow certain information to get stored in relatively objec- tive form, much as you heard or read it, and may distort other information or prevent it from getting stored. As a result, these three pieces of information about Ben may get stored very differently in your memory.

For example, you may readily store the information that Ben failed Spanish because it’s consistent with your schema; it fits neatly into the template you have of college athletes. Information that’s consistent with your schema—as in this example—strengthens your schema and makes it more resistant to change (Aronson, Wilson, Akert, & Sommers, 2016). Depending on the strength of your schema, you may also store in memory (even though you didn’t hear it) that Ben did poorly in other courses as well. The information that Ben got an A in chemistry, because it contradicts your schema (it just doesn’t seem right), may easily be distorted or lost. The information that Ben is transferring to Harvard, however, is a bit different. This information is also inconsistent with your schema, but it is so drastically incon- sistent that you begin to look at this mindfully and may even begin to question your schema or perhaps view Ben as an exception to the general rule. In either case, you’re going to etch Ben’s transferring to Harvard very clearly in your mind.

Stage Five: Recall The recall stage of perception involves accessing the information you have stored in memory. Let’s say that at some later date you

Tom, a new student in your class, is shabbily dressed, unkempt, and wears clothes that are clearly hand-me- downs. You start telling him about cheap stores in your area only to find out that he is from a wealthy family. How do you handle the situation?

a. Explain that most students are on a tight budget so you felt the need to guide him accordingly.

b. Make plans to visit expensive retail outlets.

c. Comment on his clothing and say, “I never would have guessed!”

d. Ask him why he dresses the way he does.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Reversing a First Impression

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want to retrieve your information about Ben because he’s the topic of discussion among you and a few friends. But your memory isn’t reproductive; you don’t simply reproduce what you’ve heard or seen. Rather, you reconstruct what you’ve heard or seen into a whole that is meaningful to you—depending in great part on your schemata and scripts. It’s this reconstruction that you store in memory. When you want to retrieve this infor- mation, you may recall it with a variety of inaccuracies:

• You’re likely to recall information that is consistent with your schema; in fact, you may not even be recalling the specific information (say, about Ben) but may actually just be recalling your schema (which contains information about college athletes and, because of this, also about Ben).

• You may fail to recall information that is inconsistent with your schema; you have no place to put that information, so you easily lose it or forget it.

• You may recall information that drastically contradicts your schema because it forces you to think about (and perhaps rethink) your schema and its accuracy; it may even force you to revise your schema for college athletes in general.

Table 3.2 summarizes these five stages of interpersonal perception.

Stage Action

Stimulation your sense organs pick up some signal

Organization you put these signals into some kind of organized pattern, by rules, schemata, or scripts

Interpretation–evaluation you give these signals some kind of meaning

Memory you store this meaning for later retrieval

Recall you access this information that you’ve stored in memory

Table 3.2 In a Nutshell The Stages of Perception

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Other-Orientation: A Focus on the Other Person and that Person’s Perspective

• Acknowledge the other person. Recognize the impor- tance of the other person. Ask for suggestions, opinions, and clarification. This ensures that you understand what the other person is saying from that person’s point of view.

• Focus your messages on the other person. Use open- ended questions to involve the other person in the interac- tion (as opposed to questions that merely ask for a yes or no answer), and make statements that directly address the person. Use focused eye contact and appropriate facial expressions; smile, nod, and lean toward the other person.

• Grant permission. Let the other person know that it’s okay to express (or not to express) her or his feelings. A sim- ple statement such as “I know how difficult it is to talk about feelings” opens up the topic of feelings and gives the other person permission either to pursue such a discussion or to say nothing.

Working with Other-Orientation How you would rate your general other-orientation? Can you identify situations in which you are especially likely to forget other-orientation? In what ways might you become more other-oriented?

Other-orientation is a quality of interpersonal effectiveness that highlights the focus on the other person rather than on the self (Spitzberg & Hecht, 1984; Dindia & Timmerman, 2003). The more you focus on the other person, the more accurately you’re likely to understand this person and the more effectively you’ll be able to adapt your own messages to them. Other-ori- entation involves communicating attentiveness to and interest in the other person and in what the person says.

Communicating with Other-Orientation You’ll recognize the following behaviors in those with whom you enjoy talking. As you read these suggestions, you’ll note that these are also likely to serve the impression formation function of being liked.

• Show consideration. Demonstrate respect; for example, ask if it’s all right to tell your troubles to someone before doing so, or ask if your phone call comes at a good time.

• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings as legiti- mate. Expressions such as “You’re right” or “I can under- stand why you’re so angry” help focus the interaction on the other person and confirm that you’re listening.

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Impression Formation 3.3 Define the major impression formation processes and the ways to increase

accuracy in perception.

Impression formation (sometimes referred to as person perception) consists of a variety of processes that you go through in forming an impression of another person. Each of these perception processes has pitfalls and potential dangers.

Before reading about these processes that you use in perceiving other people, examine your perception strategies by responding to the following statements with T if the statement is usually or generally true (accurate in describing your behavior), or with F if the statement is usually or generally false (inaccurate in describing your behavior).

____ 1. I make predictions about people’s behaviors that generally prove to be true.

____ 2. When I know some things about another person, I can pretty easily fill in what I don’t know.

____ 3. Generally, my expectations are borne out by what I actually see; that is, my later perceptions usually match my initial expectations.

____ 4. I base most of my impressions of people on the first few minutes of our meeting.

____ 5. I generally find that people I like possess positive characteristics and people I don’t like possess negative characteristics.

____ 6. I generally take credit for the positive things that happen and deny responsibility for the negative things.

____ 7. I generally attribute people’s attitudes and behaviors to their most obvious physical or psychological characteristic.

____ 8. When making judgments about others, I emphasize looking to their personality rather than to the circumstances or context.

These questions were designed to raise questions to be considered in this chapter. All the statements refer to perceptual processes that many people use but that often get people into trouble because they lead us to form inaccurate impressions. The questions refer to sev- eral processes to be discussed below: the self-fulfilling prophecy (statement 1), personality theory (2), perceptual accentuation (3), primacy–recency (4), and consistency (5). Statements 6, 7, and 8 refer to the barriers we encounter as we attempt to determine motives for other people and even our own behaviors: self-serving bias, overattribution, and the fundamental attribution error.

As you read this chapter, think about these processes and consider how you might use them more accurately and not allow them to get in the way of accurate and reason- able people perception. At the same time, recognize that situations vary widely and that strategies for clearer perception will prove useful most of the time but not all of the time.

Impression Formation Processes The way in which you perceive another person, and ultimately come to some kind of evaluation or interpretation of this person, is not a simple logical sequence. Instead, your perceptions seem to be influenced by a variety of processes. Here we consider some of the more significant: the self-fulfilling prophecy, personality theory, perceptual accentuation, primacy–recency, consistency, and attribution of control.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy A self-fulfilling prophecy (identified in statement 1 in the previous self-test) is a prediction that comes true because you act on it as if it were true. Put differently, a self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when you act on your schema as if it were true and in doing so make it true. Self-fulfilling prophecies occur in

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widely different situations such as parent–child relation- ships, educational settings, and business (Merton, 1957; Rosenthal, 2002; Madon, Guyll, & Spoth, 2004; Tierney & Farmer, 2004). There are four basic steps in the self- fulfilling prophecy:

1. You make a prediction or formulate a belief about a person or a situation. For example, you predict that Pat is friendly in interpersonal encounters.

2. You act toward that person or situation as if that pre- diction or belief were true. For example, you act as if Pat were a friendly person.

3. Because you act as if the belief were true, it becomes true. For example, because of the way you act toward Pat, Pat becomes comfortable and friendly.

4. You observe your effect on the person or the resulting situation, and what you see strengthens your beliefs. For example, you observe Pat’s friendliness and this reinforces your belief that Pat is in fact friendly.

The self-fulfilling prophecy can also be seen when you make predictions about yourself and fulfill them. For example, suppose you enter a group situation convinced that the other members will dislike you. Almost invariably you’ll be proved right; the other members will appear to you to dislike you. What you may be doing is acting in a way that encourages the group to respond to you negatively. In this way, you fulfill your prophecies about yourself.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can short-circuit critical thinking and influence others’ behavior (or your own) so that it conforms to your prophecies. As a result, you may see what you predicted rather than what is really there (for example, you may perceive your- self as a failure because you have predicted it rather than because of any actual failures).

A widely-known example of the self-fulfilling prophecy is the Pygmalion effect (Rosenthal & Jacobson, 1992). In a classic research study, experimenters told teach- ers that certain pupils were expected to do exceptionally well—that they were late bloomers. And although the experimenters selected the “late bloomers” at random, the students who were labeled “late bloomers” performed at higher levels than their classmates. These students became what their teachers thought they were. The Pygma- lion effect has also been studied in varied contexts such as the courtroom, the clinic, the work cubicle, management and leadership practices, athletic coaching, and stepfamilies (Eden, 1992; Solomon et al., 1996; Einstein, 1995; McNatt, 2001; Rosenthal, 2002).

Personality Theory Each person has a personality theory that says which characteris- tics of an individual go with other characteristics (statement 2 in the self-test). Most often these theories are subconscious or implicit, but they can be brought to consciousness.

VIEWPOINTS The Pygmalion Effect

Findings such as those on the Pygmalion effect have led one researcher to suggest that companies apply these insights to improve worker productivity—by creating in supervisors positive attitudes about employees and by helping employees to feel that their supervisors and the organization as a whole value them highly (McNatt, 2001). In what ways might this Pygmalion effect be applied at your own workplace?

Consider, for example, the following brief statements. Note the word in parentheses that you think best completes each sentence.

• Emma is energetic, eager, and (intelligent, unintelligent). • Daniel is bold, defiant, and (extroverted, introverted). • Sophie is bright, lively, and (thin, heavy). • Nicholas is attractive, intelligent, and (likeable, unlikeable). • Isabella is cheerful, positive, and (outgoing, shy). • William is handsome, tall, and (friendly, unfriendly).

What makes some of these choices seem right and others wrong is your personality theory, the system of rules that tells you which characteristics go together. Your theory may, for example, have told you that a person who is energetic and eager is also intelligent, not unintelligent—although there is no logical reason why an unintelligent person could not be energetic and eager.

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Another type of personality theory that many hold is that you are what your friends are. It’s a simple theory based on the assumption that friends are generally similar to each other. If your friends are cool, so must you be. If your friends are dull (as demon- strated in their photos and in their posts), you’ll be seen as dull too. Social media users, for example, are seen to be more attractive when they have attractive friends than when their friends are less attractive (Walther et al., 2008).

The widely-documented halo effect is a function of personality theory (Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972; Riggio, 1987; Gunaydin, Selcuk, & Zayas, 2017; Dean, 2016a). If you believe a person has some positive qualities, you’re likely to infer that she or he also possesses other positive qualities. There is also a reverse halo effect (or “horns” effect): If you know a person possesses several negative qualities, you’re more likely to infer that the person also has other negative qualities. For example, you’re more likely to perceive attractive people as more generous, sensitive, trust- worthy, and interesting than those less attractive. And the reverse halo effect leads you to perceive those who are unattractive as mean, dishonest, antisocial, and sneaky (Katz, 2003).

The ambiguity of the message tends to increase your reliance on your personality theory in making judgments. This is especially important in online communication, which is often more ambiguous than face-to-face communication. When you read or view something on some social media site that is ambiguous, you’ll resolve the ambigu- ity according to your personality theory. For example, you know that Joe is an honest and positive person who always sees the best in people; when you read an ambiguous comment from Joe, you’ll resolve it so that Joe retains your image of him as an honest and positive person.

In using personality theories, apply them carefully and critically to avoid perceiv- ing qualities in an individual that your theory tells you should be present but aren’t, or seeing qualities that are not there (Plaks, Grant, & Dweck, 2005).

Perceptual Accentuation When poor and rich children were shown pictures of coins and later asked to estimate their size, the poor children’s size estimates were much greater than the rich children’s. Similarly, hungry people need fewer visual cues to perceive food objects and food terms than do people who are not hungry. This process, called perceptual accentuation, leads you to see what you expect or want to see (state- ment 3 in the self-test). You see people you like as better looking and smarter than those you don’t like. You magnify or accentuate what will satisfy your needs and desires: The thirsty person sees a mirage of water; the sexually deprived person sees a mirage of sexual satisfaction.

Perceptual accentuation can lead you to perceive what you need or want to perceive rather than what is really there and can lead you to fail to perceive what you don’t want to perceive. For example, you may not perceive signs of impending relationship problems because you’re only seeing what you want to see. Another interesting distortion created by perceptual accentuation is that you may perceive certain behaviors as indicative that someone likes you simply because you want to be liked. For example, you view general politeness and friendly behavior used as a persuasive strategy (say, by a salesperson) as an indication that the person genuinely likes you.

Primacy–Recency Assume for a moment that you’re enrolled in a course in which half the classes are extremely dull and half are extremely exciting. At the end of the semester, you evaluate the course and the instructor. Will your evaluation be more favorable if the dull classes occurred in the first half of the semester and the exciting classes in the second? Or will it be more favorable if the order is reversed? If what comes first exerts the most influence, you have a primacy effect (statement 4 in the self-test). If what comes last (or most recently) exerts the most influence, you have a recency effect.

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In the classic study on the effects of primacy–recency in interpersonal perception, college students perceived a person who was described as “intelligent, industrious, impulsive, critical, stubborn, and envious” more positively than a person described as “envious, stubborn, critical, impulsive, industrious, and intelligent” (Asch, 1946). Notice that the descriptions are identical; only the order was changed. Clearly, we have a tendency to use early information to get a general idea about a person and to use later information to make this impression more specific. The initial information helps us form a schema for the person. Once that schema is formed, we’re likely to resist information that contradicts it.

One interesting practical implication of primacy–recency is that the first impres- sion you make is likely to be the most important—and is likely to be made very quickly (Sunnafrank & Ramirez, 2004; Willis & Todorov, 2006). When you form an initial impression based on a photograph, that initial impression will influence impressions you form even after meeting face-to-face—a factor to keep in mind when posting photos on dating sites (Gunaydin, Selcuk, & Zayas, 2017). A violation of trust, for example, that occurs early in a relationship can do permanent damage to a relationship even after you’ve tried to make amends (Lount, Zhong, Sivanathan, & Murnighan, 2008). The reason is that the schema that others form of you functions as a filter to admit or block additional information about you. If the initial impression or schema is positive, others are likely to (1) remember additional positive information readily because it confirms this original positive image or schema, (2) forget or distort nega- tive information easily because it contradicts this original positive schema, and (3) interpret ambiguous information as positive. You win in all three ways—if the initial impression is positive.

Consistency The tendency to maintain balance among perceptions or attitudes is called consistency (statement 5 in the self-test). People expect certain things to go together and other things not to go together.

On a purely intuitive basis, for example, respond to the following sentences by noting your expected response:

1. I expect a person I like to (like, dislike) me.

2. I expect a person I dislike to (like, dislike) me.

3. I expect my friend to (like, dislike) my friend.

4. I expect my friend to (like, dislike) my enemy.

5. I expect my enemy to (like, dislike) my friend.

6. I expect my enemy to (like, dislike) my enemy.

According to most consistency theories, your expectations would be as follows: You would expect a person you liked to like you (1) and a person you disliked to dislike you (2). You would expect a friend to like a friend (3) and to dislike an enemy (4). You would expect your enemy to dislike your friend (5) and to like your other enemy (6). All these expectations are intuitively satisfying.

You would also expect someone you liked to possess characteristics you liked or admired and would expect your enemies not to possess characteristics you liked or admired. Conversely, you would expect people you liked to lack unpleasant character- istics and those you disliked to possess unpleasant characteristics.

Uncritically assuming that an individual is consistent can lead you to ignore or distort perceptions that are inconsistent with your picture of the whole person. For example, you may misinterpret Karla’s unhappiness because your image of Karla is “happy, controlled, and contented.”

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Attribution of Control Still another way in which you form impressions is through the attribution of control. For example, suppose you invite your friend Desmond to dinner for 7:00 p.m. and he arrives at 9:00. Consider how you would respond to each of these reasons:

Reason 1: “I just couldn’t tear myself away from the beach. I really wanted to get a great tan.”

Reason 2: “I was driving here when I saw some young kids mugging an old couple. I broke it up and took the couple home. They were so frightened that I had to stay with them until their children arrived. Their phone was out of order and my cell battery died, so I had no way of calling to tell you I’d be late.”

Reason 3: “I got in a car accident and was taken to the hospital.”

Depending on the reason, you would probably attribute very different motives to Des- mond’s behavior. With reasons 1 and 2, you’d conclude that Desmond was in control of his behavior (the reasons were internal). With reason 3, you’d conclude that he was not in control of his behavior (the reason was external and not under Desmond’s con- trol). You would probably respond negatively to reason 1 (Desmond was selfish and inconsiderate) and positively to reason 2 (Desmond was a Good Samaritan). Because Desmond was not in control of his behavior in reason 3, you would probably not attri- bute either positive or negative motivation to his behavior. Instead, you would probably feel sorry that he got into an accident.

You probably make similar judgments based on control in numerous situations. Consider, for example, how you would respond to the following situations:

• Doris fails her history midterm exam.

• Sidney’s car is repossessed because he failed to keep up the payments.

• Margie has developed high blood pressure and is complaining that she feels awful.

• Thomas’ wife has just filed for divorce and he is feeling depressed.

You would most likely be sympathetic to each of these people if you felt that he or she was not in control of what happened; for example, if the examination was unfair, if Sidney lost his job because of employee discrimination, if Margie’s blood pressure was caused by some inherited physiological problem, and if Thomas’ wife wanted to leave him for a wealthy drug dealer. On the other hand, you probably would not be sympa- thetic if you felt that these people were in control of what happened; for example, if Doris partied instead of studying, if Sidney gambled his payments away, if Margie ate nothing but salty junk food and refused to exercise, and if Thomas had been repeatedly unfaithful and his wife finally gave up trying to reform him.

In perceiving, and especially in evaluating, other people’s behavior, you frequently ask if they were in control of the behavior. Generally, research shows that if you feel a person was in control of negative behaviors, you’ll come to dislike him or her. If you believe the person was not in control of negative behaviors, you’ll come to feel sorry for and not blame the person.

In your attribution of control—or in attributing motives on the basis of any other reasons (for example, hearsay or observations of the person’s behavior) beware of several potential errors: (1) the self-serving bias, (2) overattribution, and (3) the fundamental attribution error.

1. You exhibit the self-serving bias when you take credit for the positive and deny responsibility for the negative (statement 6 in the self-test). For example, you’re more likely to attribute your positive outcomes (say, you get an A on an exam) to

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internal and controllable factors—to your personality, intelligence, or hard work. And you’re more likely to attribute your negative outcomes (say, you get a D) to external and uncontrollable factors—to the exam’s being exceptionally difficult or to your roommate’s party the night before (Bernstein, Stephan, & Davis, 1979; Duval & Silva, 2002).

2. Overattribution is the tendency to single out one or two obvious characteristics of a person and attribute everything that person does to this one or these two char- acteristics (statement 7 in the self-test). For example, if a person is blind or was born into great wealth, there’s often a tendency to attribute everything that person does to such factors. And so you might say, “Alex overeats because he’s blind,” or “ Lillian is irresponsible because she has never had to work for her money.” To avoid overattribution, recognize that most behaviors and personality characteristics result from lots of factors. You almost always make a mistake when you select one factor and attribute everything to it.

3. The fundamental attribution error occurs when you assess someone’s behavior but overvalue the contribution of internal factors (for example, a person’s person- ality) and undervalue the influence of external factors (for example, the context or situation the person is in). This fundamental attribution error (statement 8 in the self-test) leads you to conclude that people do what they do because that’s the kind of people they are, not because of the situation they’re in. When Pat is late for an appointment, for example, you’re more likely to conclude that Pat is inconsiderate or irresponsible than to attribute the lateness to a bus breakdown or a traffic accident.

Increasing Accuracy in Impression Formation Successful interpersonal communication depends largely on the accuracy of the impres- sions you form of others and that others form of you. So, your objective needs to be to eliminate or reduce the barriers to accurate perception and to use some effective tools to increase accuracy.

Avoid Processing Errors Recall that each of the six perceptual processes discussed above can lead you to make inaccurate perceptions. So, remember:

• The self-fulfilling prophecy may lead you to influence what you see.

• Personality theories are not always accurate.

• Perceptual accentuation may create inaccurate perceptions by leading you to see what you want to see instead of what is really there.

• Primacy–recency may lead you to give undue emphasis to what comes first even when more important information is added later.

• Consistency may lead you to see what is consistent instead of the inconsistencies that really exist.

• In attributing control, be aware of the self-serving bias, overattribution, and the fun- damental attribution error.

Analyze Impressions Subject your perceptions to logical analysis, to critical thinking. Here are two suggestions:

• Recognize your own role in perception. Your emotional and physiological state influences the meaning you give to your perceptions. A movie may seem hys- terically funny when you’re in a good mood but just plain stupid when you’re in a bad mood. Understand your own biases; for example, do you tend to per- ceive only the positive in people you like and only the negative in people you don’t like?

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• Avoid early conclusions. On the basis of your observations of behaviors, formu- late hypotheses to test against additional information and evidence; avoid drawing conclusions that you then look to confirm. Look for a variety of cues pointing in the same direction. The more cues point to the same conclusion, the more likely your conclusion is correct. Be especially alert to contradictory cues that seem to refute your initial hypotheses. At the same time, seek validation from others. Do others see things in the same way you do? If not, ask yourself if your perceptions may be distorted in some way.

Check Perceptions Perception checking is another way to reduce uncertainty and to make your perceptions more accurate. The goal of perception checking is to further explore the thoughts and feelings of the other person, not to prove that your initial perception is correct. With this simple technique, you lessen your chances of misinter- preting another’s feelings. At the same time, you give the other person an opportunity to elaborate on his or her thoughts and feelings. In its most basic form, perception checking consists of two steps:

1. Describe what you see or hear, recognizing that descriptions are not really objective but are heavily influenced by who you are, your emotional state, and so on. At the same time, you may wish to describe what you think is happening. Try to do this as descriptively as you can, without evaluating what is happening. Sometimes you may wish to offer several possibilities.

• You’ve called me from work a lot this week. You seem concerned that every- thing is all right at home.

• You’ve not wanted to talk with me all week. You say that my work is fine, but you don’t seem to want to give me the same responsibilities that other research assistants have.

2. Seek confirmation. Ask the other person if your description is accurate. Avoid mind reading; that is, don’t try to read the thoughts and feelings of another person just from observing his or her behaviors. Regardless of how many behaviors you observe and how carefully you examine them, you can only guess what is going on in someone’s mind. A person’s motives are not open to outside inspection; you can only make assumptions based on overt behaviors. So be careful that your request for confirmation does not sound as though you already know the answer. Avoid phrasing your questions defensively; for example, “You really don’t want to go out, do you? I knew you didn’t when you turned on that lousy television.” Instead, ask for confirmation in as supportive a way as possible:

• Would you rather watch TV?

• Are you worried about me or the kids?

• Are you displeased with my work? Is there anything I can do to improve my job performance?

Reduce Uncertainty Every interpersonal situation has some degree of uncertainty. A variety of strategies can help reduce uncertainty (Berger & Bradac, 1982; Gudykunst, 1993; Brashers, 2007).

• Observe other people. Observing another person while he or she is engaged in an active task, preferably interacting with others in an informal social situation, often reveals a great deal about the person because people are less apt to monitor their behaviors and are more likely to reveal their true selves in informal situations.

• Prepare for different situations. You can sometimes manipulate situations to observe the person in more specific and revealing contexts. Employment inter- views, theatrical auditions, and student teaching are good examples of situations arranged to provide an accurate view of the person in action.

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• Learn about different online groups before you engage. When you log on to a social media site and lurk, reading the exchanges between the other group members before saying anything yourself, you’re learning about the people in the group and about the group itself, thus reducing uncertainty. When uncertainty is reduced, you’re more likely to make contributions that are appropriate to the group and less likely to vio- late the group’s norms.

• Gather information by talking to others. Learn about a person through asking oth- ers. You might inquire of a colleague if a third person finds you interesting and might like to have dinner with you.

• Interact with the individual. For example, you can ask questions: “Do you enjoy sports?” “What did you think of that computer science course?” “What would you do if you got fired?” You also gain knowledge of another by revealing informa- tion about yourself, which encourages the other person to also talk about him- or herself.

Beware the Just-World Hypothesis Many people believe that the world is just: Good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people (Aron- son, Wilson, Akert, & Sommers, 2016; Hunt, 2000). Put differently, you get what you deserve! Even when you mindfully dismiss this assumption, you may use it mindlessly when perceiving and evaluating other people. Consider a particularly vivid example: In certain cultures (for example, in Bangladesh, Iran, or Yemen), if a woman is raped, she is considered by many in that culture (certainly not all) to have disgraced her family and to be deserving of severe punishment—in many cases, even death. And although you may claim that this is unfair, much research shows that even in the United States many people do, in fact, blame the victim for being raped, especially if the victim is male (Adams-Price, Dalton, & Sumrall, 2004; Anderson, 2004). The belief that the world is just distorts your perception by leading you to deemphasize the influence of situational factors and to overemphasize the influence of internal factors in your attempts to explain the behaviors of other people or even your own behaviors.

Increase Cultural Sensitivity Cultural sensitivity—recognizing and being sensitive to cultural differences—helps increase your accuracy in perception. For example, Russian or Chinese artists such as ballet dancers often applaud their audience by clapping. Americans seeing this may easily interpret this as egotistical. Simi- larly, a German man enters a restaurant before the woman in order to see if the place is respectable enough for the woman to enter. This simple custom can easily be interpreted as rude when viewed by people from cultures in which it’s considered courteous for the woman to enter first (Axtell, 2007).

Within every cultural group are wide and important differ- ences. As all Americans are not alike, neither are all Indonesians, Greeks, or Mexicans. When you make assumptions that all people of a certain culture are alike, you’re thinking in stereotypes. Rec- ognizing differences between another culture and your own, and among members of the same culture, helps you perceive situations more accurately.

Cultural sensitivity helps counteract the difficulty most peo- ple have in understanding the nonverbal messages of people from other cultures. For example, it’s easier to interpret the facial expres- sions of members of your own culture than those of members of

You’ve been dating someone casually over the last few months and want to take this to the next level. But you first want to find out if your partner feels the same way. You don’t want to be embarrassed by a refusal. What are some of the things you can do to reduce this relationship uncertainty?

a. Ask a mutual friend.

b. Come right out and ask directly.

c. Talk about other people who have made a commitment and watch the reactions.

d. Wait until your partner signals a desire to move the relationship forward.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Relationship Uncertainty

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Ambiguity tolerance refers to the degree to which members of a culture are accepting of uncertainty; high-ambiguity tolerant cultures are comfortable with not knowing exactly what will happen next, whereas low-ambiguity tolerant cultures resist uncertainty and, in many cases, are stressed out by it.

THE CULTURAL MAP Ambiguity Tolerance

In these high-ambiguity tolerant cultures (generally, the top 10 countries are highlighted in these cultural maps), uncertainty is consid- ered normal and expected. High ambiguity tolerant people are comfortable in uncertain situations and with unfamiliar tasks and assignments. They are also tolerant of ethnic di�erences and diversity and are generally positive to foreigners.

In these low-ambiguity tolerant cultures, members try to avoid uncertainty, because uncertainty is typically uncomfortable and anxiety provoking for them. Members of these cultures are also more prejudiced toward other ethnic groups and would not be welcoming to immigrants.

How do you feel when an instructor gives an ambiguous assignment? Do you see the lack of specific direction as stressful or as an opportunity to get creative and think of different ways you might approach the assignment?

other cultures (Weathers, Frank, & Spell, 2002). This “in-group advantage” assists your perceptional accuracy for members of your own culture but often hinders your accuracy for members of other cultures (Elfenbein & Ambady, 2002).

The suggestions for improving intercultural communication offered in popular and academic discussions are applicable to increasing your cultural sensitivity in perception. For example, educate yourself, reduce uncertainty, recognize differences (between yourself and people from other cultures, among members of other cultures, and between your meanings and the meanings that people from other cultures may have), confront your stereotypes, and adjust your communication.

A summary of impression formation processes, the cautions to be observed, and some suggestions for increasing perceptual accuracy are presented in Table 3.3. Ste- reotyping, discussed in Chapter 2, is included in this table because it is also one of the processes used in impression formation.

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Impression Management: Goals and Strategies 3.4 Explain the impression management strategies that may help you to be liked,

to be believed, to excuse failure, to secure help, to hide faults, to be followed, and to confirm your self-image.

Impression management (some writers use the term self-presentation or identity manage- ment) has to do with the processes you go through to communicate the image of yourself that you want others to have of you. The impression you make on others is largely the result of the messages you communicate. In the same way that you form impressions of others largely on the basis of how they communicate, verbally and nonverbally, you also convey an impression of yourself through what you say (your verbal messages), the photos you post, and how you act and dress, as well as how you decorate your office or apartment (your nonverbal messages). Communication messages, however, are not the only means for impression formation and management. For example, you also com- municate your self-image by the people with whom you associate (and judge others the

same way); if you associate with A-list people, then surely you must be A-list yourself, the theory goes. Also, as illustrated in the discussion of stereotypes, you may form an impression of someone on the basis of that person’s age, gender, or ethnic origin. Or you may rely on what others have said about the person and form impressions that are consistent with these comments. And, of course, others may do the same in forming impressions of you.

Part of the art and skill of interpersonal com- munication is to understand and be able to man- age the impressions you give to others; mastering the art of impression management enables you to present yourself as you want others to see you— at least to some extent. Social media has made impression management a lot easier than it would

VIEWPOINTS Impression Accuracy

What one suggestion for increasing accuracy in impression formation do you wish others would follow more often when they make judgments about you?

Table 3.3 In a Nutshell Impression Formation

Impression Formation Processes Cautions to Observe Increasing Accuracy in Perception

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: you act on your predictions as if they were true, and they become true.

Beware of your predictions that come true; you may be influencing them in that direction.

• Avoid processing errors.

• Analyze impressions.

• Check perceptions.

• Reduce uncertainty.

• Beware the just-world hypothesis.

• Increase cultural sensitivity.

Personality Theory: you expect certain qualities to go with other qualities.

Personalities are much too complex to predict one qual- ity easily on the basis of others; beware of always finding fault with those you dislike or good with those you like.

Perceptual Accentuation: you see what you want to or need to see

Try seeing what you don’t want to see (as a counter- balance measure).

Primacy–Recency: you are most influenced by what occurs first and by what occurs last.

Basing your impressions on the basis of early or late information may bias your perceptions.

Consistency: you assume that people are consistent; if you see them as “good people,” then the things they do are likely to be seen as good.

People are not always consistent; don’t expect them to be.

Attribution of Control: you evaluate what a person did on the basis of the control you perceive this per- son to have had on his or her behavior.

Beware of the self-serving bias, overattribution, and the fundamental attribution error.

Stereotyping: you form an impression of someone based on a racial, religious, or other stereotype.

Beware of stereotypes; often they were learned without conscious awareness and are often misleading.

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Figure 3.6 Impression Management Goals

To be liked

To confirm self-image

To be influential

To hide faults

To secure help

To excuse failure

To be believed

Some impression

management goals

be in only face-to-face encounters. You have more control over the information that you send out in your posts and in your photos than you do when presenting yourself in a face-to-face situation (Dean, 2007; Gibbs, Ellison, & Heino, 2006; DeVito, 2012).

The strategies you use to achieve this desired impression depend on your specific goal. Here is an interpersonal typology of seven major communication goals and strat- egies of impression management (previewed in Figure 3.6). As you read about these goals and strategies, and about how these strategies can backfire, consider your own attempts to communicate the “right” impression to others and what you do (that is, the strategies you use) to achieve this unique kind of communication. Consider, for example, how you might use these strategies in writing your online profile for, say, eHarmony or OK Cupid or for one of the many apps such as How About We, Hinge, or Tinder (also see Table 3.4, which identifies some popular profile writing suggestions).

To Be Liked: Affinity-Seeking and Politeness Strategies If you want to be liked—say, you’re new at school or on the job and you want to be well liked, to be included in the activities of other students or work associates, and to be thought of highly by these other people—you’ll likely use these two sets of strategies: affinity-seeking strategies and politeness strategies.

Affinity-Seeking Strategies As you can see from examining the list of affinity- seeking strategies that follows, the use of these techniques is likely to increase your chances of being liked (Bell & Daly, 1984). Such strategies are especially important in initial interactions, and their use by teachers has even been found to increase student motivation (Martin & Rubin, 1998; Myers & Zhong, 2004; Wrench, McCroskey, & Rich- mond, 2008).

• Be of help to the other person.

• Present yourself as comfortable and relaxed when with another person.

• Follow the cultural rules for polite, cooperative conversation with others.

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• Appear active, enthusiastic, and dynamic.

• Stimulate and encourage others to talk about themselves; reinforce disclosures and contributions of others.

• Listen to other people attentively and actively.

• Appear optimistic and positive rather than pessimistic and negative.

• Communicate warmth and empathy to others.

• Demonstrate that you share significant attitudes and values with others.

• Communicate supportiveness.

And, of course, plain old flattery goes a long way toward making you liked. Flattery has also been found to increase your chances for success in a job interview, increase the tip a customer is likely to leave, and even increase your perceived credibility (Varma, Toh, & Pichler, 2006; Seiter, 2007; Vonk, 2002).

Politeness Strategies We can view politeness strategies, which are often used to make ourselves appear likeable, in terms of negative and positive types (Goffman, 1967; Brown & Levinson, 1987; Holmes 1995; Goldsmith, 2007). Both types of politeness are responsive to two needs that we each have:

1. Positive face—the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favor- ably, and

2. Negative face—the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish.

Guideline To Explain

Say something meaningful. Depending on the site, this might include your education and career, your entrepreneurial spirit, or your athleticism. Stress your uniqueness.

Post a flattering photo, the most important part of your dating profile.

Select a photo that’s appealing, colorful, and recent. Don’t Photoshop, especially if you plan a face-to-face meeting. Some social media watch- ers suggest a full body shot. Avoid photos that can call up stereotypes, for example, the man with the muscle car or the woman with the cat. Selfies are generally okay for women—both straight and lesbian—but popular men used them significantly less often (Roper, 2014).

Be positive, friendly, open, optimistic, active, and truthful. These characteristics are universally appreciated. We want friends who are positive and friendly, and others do as well. We also prefer those who like active sports such as surfing, skiing, and biking more than spectator sports such as basketball and baseball (Roper, 2014).

Be honest about what you want and don’t want—what you must have.

Honesty helps focus your search and others’ search for you.

Avoid information that is too personal or that you don’t want to share with everyone.

People can easily get scared off, feeling this is too early for intimate disclosures.

Avoid unappealing details especially in your profile but generally at the start of relationships.

Details are best appreciated (and tolerated) after getting to know someone.

Secure feedback and listen to it. Before posting, get some feedback. Send it to a trusted friend in e-mail and ask for honest feedback.

Avoid turnoff terms, those that bring negative thoughts to mind. Some examples are prison, death, illness, debts, and vulgar or gross terms.

Avoid badmouthing past relationships or jobs. Some fear this negativity will one day be directed at them, which is likely to turn people off.

Rewrite and edit. And be brief. Don’t try to write your profile in one shot. Instead, write and rewrite and edit your profile, then copy and paste it into the site.

Examine other profiles. Read a variety of profiles and identify the characteristics that you could adapt to your own unique profile.

Start from the general to the specific. Give the reader an overview and then begin to fill in the relevant details.

SOURCE: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of websites, such as those of eHarmony and Ask, and from research: Alpert (2013) and Conniff & Nicks (2014).

Table 3.4 12 Guidelines for Writing Your Online Profile

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Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face; impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face (for example, you criticize someone) or negative face (for example, you make demands on someone).

To help another person maintain positive face, speak respectfully to and about the person, give the person your full attention, say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short, treat the person as you want to be treated. In this way, you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness such as “thank you” and “please.” It is attacks on positive face—sometimes called face-threatening acts (FTAs)—that the term dissing is meant to capture. Introduced in the 1980s in rap music, the term refers to a form of impoliteness in which you criticize, act rudely, insult, put down, offend, or disrespect another person verbally and/or nonverbally. It attacks a person’s positive face needs, the need to be approved of, to be respected.

To help another person maintain negative face, respect the person’s right to be autonomous; thus, request rather than demand that he or she does something; say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window!” You might also give the person the option of saying no when you make a request; say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school?” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way, you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness.

Of course, we do this almost automatically, and asking for a favor without any consideration for the person’s negative face needs would seem totally insensitive. In most situations, however, this type of attack on negative face often appears in more subtle forms. For example, your mother saying “Are you going to wear that?”—to use Deborah Tannen’s (2006) example—attacks negative face by criticizing or challenging your autonomy. This comment also attacks positive face by questioning your ability to dress properly.

Like all the strategies discussed here, politeness, too, may have negative conse- quences. Overpoliteness, for example, is likely to be seen as phony and is likely to be resented. Overpoliteness may also be resented if it’s seen as a persuasive strategy.

To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies Let’s say you’re a politician and you want people to vote for you or to support a par- ticular proposal you’re advancing. In this case, you’ll probably use credibility strat- egies—a concept that goes back some 2300 years, to the ancient Greek and Roman rhetoricians. Credibility strategies are supported by contemporary research; they seek to establish your competence, character, and charisma. For example, to establish your competence, you may mention your great educational background or the courses you took that qualify you as an expert. To establish that you’re of good character, you may mention how fair and honest you are or speak of your concern for enduring values or your concern for others. And to establish your charisma—your take-charge, positive personality—you may demonstrate enthusiasm, be emphatic, or focus on the positive while minimizing the negative.

Of course, if you stress your competence, character, and charisma too much, you risk being perceived as too eager—as someone who is afraid of being exposed as lack- ing the very qualities that you seek to present to others. For example, people who are truly competent generally need say little directly about their own competence; their knowledgeable, insightful, and logical messages reveal their competence.

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To Excuse Failure: Self-Handicapping Strategies If you were about to tackle a difficult task and were concerned that you might fail, you might use what are called self-handicapping strategies (Koklitz & Arkin, 1982). In the more extreme type of self-handicapping strategy, you actually set up barriers or obstacles to make the task impossible so that when you fail, you won’t be blamed or thought ineffective—after all, the task was impossible. Let’s say that you aren’t pre- pared for your interpersonal communication exam and you feel you’re going to fail. Using this extreme type of self-handicapping strategy, you might go out and party the night before so that when you do poorly on the exam, you can blame it on the all-night party rather than on your intelligence or knowledge. The less extreme type involves manufacturing excuses for failure and having them ready if you do fail. “The exam was unfair” is one popular excuse. Or you might blame a long period without a date on your being too intelligent or too shy or too poor, or blame a poorly cooked dinner on your defective stove.

Using self-handicapping strategies too often may lead people to see you as incom- petent or foolish—after all, partying late into the night before an exam for which you are already unprepared doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. This type of behavior can reflect negatively on your overall competence.

To Secure Help: Self- Deprecating Strategies If you want to be taken care of and protected or simply want someone to come to your aid, you might use self-deprecating strategies. Confes- sions of incompetence and inability often bring assistance from others. And so you might say, “I just can’t fix that drain and it drives me crazy; I just don’t know anything about plumbing,” with the hope that the other person will offer help.

But be careful: using self-deprecating strategies may convince people that you are in fact as incom- petent as you say you are. Or people may see you as

VIEWPOINT Self-Deprecating Humor

Self-deprecating humor has been found to increase attractiveness of high-status men and women but not for lower-status individuals. It has also been found to be used more by men than by women (Greengross & Miller, 2008). Do you find these findings intuitively satisfying? What explanation might you offer to account for these findings?

Impression-management strategies may also be used unethically. For example, people may use affinity-seek- ing strategies to get you to like them so that they can extract favors from you. Politicians frequently portray themselves as credible (when they are not) in order to win votes. The same could be said of the stereotypical used-car salesperson or insurance agent trying to make a sale. Some people use self-handicapping strate- gies or self-deprecating strategies to get you to see their behavior from a perspective that benefits them rather than you. Self-monitoring strategies are often deceptive and are designed to present a more polished image than the one you might see without this self-monitoring. And, of course, influence strategies have been used throughout history in deception as well as in truth. Even image-confirming strategies can be used to deceive, as when people exaggerate their positive qualities (or make them up) and hide their negative ones.

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

The Ethics of Impression Management

Ethical Choice Point You’re interviewing for a job you really want and you need to be perceived as credible and likeable. What are your ethical choices for presenting yourself as both credible and likeable?

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You are new in college and want very badly to fit in with the cool crowd. What do you do?

a. Start dressing and behaving like them.

b. Be pliant and agreeable to all that they say, whether you agree with it or not.

c. Find every opportunity to be around them.

d. Wait for them to approach you.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Affinity Seeking Strategies

someone who doesn’t want to do something and so confesses incom- petence to get others to do it for you. This is not likely to get you help in the long run.

To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies Much impression management is devoted not merely to present- ing a positive image but to suppressing the negative via self- monitoring strategies. Here you carefully monitor (self-censor) what you say or do. You avoid your normal slang to make your colleagues think more highly of you; you avoid chewing gum so you don’t look juvenile or unprofessional. While you readily disclose favorable parts of your experience, you actively hide the unfavorable parts. And, of course, you can self-monitor nonver- bally, as you might when you fake a smile, a technique many have mastered (Dean, 2010b).

But if you self-monitor too often or too obviously, you risk being seen as unwilling to reveal your true self, perhaps because you don’t trust others enough to feel comfortable disclosing your weaknesses as well as your strengths. In more extreme cases, you may be seen as dishonest or as trying to fool other people.

To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies In many instances, you’ll want to get people to see you as a leader, as someone to be followed in thought and perhaps in behavior. Here you can use a variety of influencing strategies. Perhaps the most common influencing strategies are those of persuasion and persuasive communication. Here is just a small sample:

• Use logic. Use facts, evidence, and argument to support whatever you want oth- ers to do. When people are persuaded by logic, they are more likely to remain persuaded over time and are more likely to resist attempts at counter-persuasion that may come up in the future (Petty & Wegener, 1998).

• Stress similarity. Identify with the other person. Demonstrate that you and the other person share important attitudes, beliefs, and values. Be aware, however, that insincere or dishonest identification is likely to backfire and create problems. So avoid even implying similarities between yourself and others that don’t exist.

• Stress agreement. If you can secure an initial yes response, you’ll improve your chances of influencing others on related matters (Goldstein, Martin, & Cialdini, 2008). Agreement encourages agreement.

• Provide positive social proof. Demonstrate that others are doing what you want your listener to do, and he or she will be more likely to follow (Cialdini, 2013; Surowiecki, 2005). This herd instinct is a powerful impulse.

Influencing strategies, too, can easily backfire. If your influence attempts fail—for whatever reason—you will lose general influence. That is, if you try but fail to influence someone, you’ll be seen to have less power than before you tried the failed influence attempt. And, of course, if you’re perceived as trying to influence others for self-gain, your persuasive attempts are likely to be rejected, and perhaps seen as self-serving and be resented.

To Confirm Self-Image: Image-Confirming Strategies Sometimes you communicate to confirm your self-image. For example, if you see your- self as the life of the party, you’ll tell jokes and try to amuse people. In doing so you’d be using image-confirming strategies. Your behaviors confirm your own self-image.

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By engaging in image-confirming behaviors, you also let others know that this is who you are and this is how you want to be seen. At the same time that you reveal aspects of yourself that confirm your desired image, you probably suppress revealing aspects of yourself that would disconfirm this image.

If you use image-confirming strategies too frequently, however, you risk being seen as “too perfect to be for real.” If you try to project an all-positive image, it’s likely to turn people off—people want to see their friends and associates as having some faults, some imperfections. Also recognize that image-confirming strategies invariably involve you talking about yourself; with that comes the risk of appearing self-absorbed.

Knowledge of these impression-management strategies and the ways in which they are effective and ineffective gives you a greater number of choices for achieving widely diverse goals such as being liked, being believed, excusing failure, securing help, hiding faults, being followed, and confirming your self-image.

A summary of the strategies of impression management appears in Table 3.5.

Strategies Goal to Achieve

Affinity-seeking and politeness strategies

to be liked, to be thought of highly, to be seen in the right light

Credibility strategies to be seen as competent, of good character, and dynamic

Self-handicapping strategies to excuse actual or possible future failure

Self-deprecating strategies to secure help by making yourself seem unable to do the task

Self-monitoring strategies to hide faults, to emphasize the positive and minimize the negative

Influencing strategies to be persuasive, to be in control, to be followed, to be the leader

Image-confirming strategies to seek reassurance of one’s self-image; to be recognized for who you are

Table 3.5 In a Nutshell Impression-Management Strategies

VIEWPOINTS Accents

There is some evidence that we attribute less credibility to people who have accents than we do to people who don’t (Lev-Ari & Keysar, 2010). Does your experience support this finding? Can you think of exceptions? For example, might the chef who speaks with a French accent (assuming you hold French cooking in high esteem) be seen as having more credibility than one without such an accent?

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allows you to conclude that certain characteristics go with certain other characteristics; perceptual accen- tuation may lead you to perceive what you expect to perceive instead of what is really there; primacy– recency may influence you to give extra importance to what occurs first (a primacy effect) and may lead you to see what conforms to this judgment and to dis- tort or otherwise misperceive what contradicts it; the tendency to seek and expect consistency may influ- ence you to see what is consistent and not to see what is inconsistent; and attributions, through which you try to understand the behaviors of others, are made in part on the basis of your judgment of control. (And, stereotyping, discussed in Chapter 2, provides often inaccurate shortcuts to impression formation.)

9. Among the major errors of attribution are the self- serving bias, overattribution, and the fundamental attribution error.

10. To increase your accuracy in impression formation, avoid common processing errors, analyze your impressions and recognize your role in perception, check your impressions, reduce uncertainty; and become culturally sensitive by recognizing the dif- ferences between you and others and also the differ- ences among people from other cultures.

Impression Management: Goals and Strategies 3.4 Explain the impression management strategies that

may help you to be liked, to be believed, to excuse failure, to secure help, to hide faults, to be followed, and to confirm your self-image.

11. Among the goals and strategies of impression man- agement are to be liked (affinity-seeking and polite- ness strategies), to be believed (credibility strategies that establish your competence, character, and cha- risma), to excuse failure (self-handicapping strate- gies), to secure help (self-deprecating strategies), to hide faults (self-monitoring strategies), to be fol- lowed (influencing strategies), and to confirm your self-image (image-confirming strategies).

12. Each of these impression-management strategies can backfire and give others negative impressions. Also, each of these strategies may be used to reveal your true self or to present a false self and deceive others in the process.

The Self in Interpersonal Communication 3.1 Define self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem

and identify the suggestions for increasing awareness and esteem.

1. Self-concept is the image you have of who you are. Sources of self-concept include others’ images of you, social comparisons, cultural teachings, and your own interpretations and evaluations.

2. Self-awareness is your knowledge of yourself—the extent to which you know who you are. A useful way of looking at self-awareness is through the Johari window, which consists of four parts. The open self holds information known to the self and others; the blind self holds information known only to others; the hidden self holds information known only to the self; and the unknown self holds information known to neither the self nor others.

3. To increase self-awareness, ask yourself about your- self, listen to others, actively seek information about yourself, see your different selves, and increase your open self.

4. Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself—your perceived self-worth.

5. To increase self-esteem, try attacking your self-destruc- tive beliefs, seeking affirmation, seeking out nourishing people, and working on projects that result in success.

Perception in Interpersonal Communication 3.2 Explain the five stages of perception and how they

influence how you receive messages.

6. Perception is the process by which you become aware of objects and events in the external world.

7. Perception occurs in five stages: (1) stimulation, (2) organization, (3) interpretation–evaluation, (4) mem- ory, and (5) recall.

Impression Formation 3.3 Define the major impression formation processes and

the ways to increase accuracy in perception.

8. Seven important processes influence the way you form impressions: Self-fulfilling prophecies may influence the behaviors of others; personality theory

This chapter looked at the ways in which you perceive yourself and other people and how you manage the perception of yourself that you communicate to others.

Summary

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affinity-seeking strategies affirmation attribution of control blind self consistency credibility cultural sensitivity fundamental attribution error halo effect hidden self image-confirming strategies impostor phenomenon impression formation impression management influencing strategies interpretation–evaluation negative face

open self other-orientation overattribution perception perception checking perceptual accentuation personality theory politeness strategies positive face primacy effect primacy–recency Pygmalion effect recall recency effect reverse halo effect (“horns” effect) rule of contrast rule of proximity

rule of similarity schema schemata script selective attention selective exposure selective perception self-awareness self-concept self-deprecating strategies self-destructive beliefs self-esteem self-fulfilling prophecy self-handicapping strategies self-monitoring strategies self-serving bias unknown self

Key Terms

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PART TWO

INTERPERSONAL MESSAGES

Verbal Messages CHAPTER FOUR

Chapter Topics Principles of Verbal Messages

Confirmation and Disconfirmation

Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively

Learning Objectives 4.1 Paraphrase the principles of verbal messages.

4.2 Distinguish between confirmation and disconfirmation; define racism, ageism, heterosexism, and sexism; and provide examples of appropriate cultural identifiers.

4.3 Explain the guidelines for avoiding the major misuses of verbal language: intensional orientation, allness, fact– inference confusion, indiscrimination, polarization, and static evaluation.

Verbal messages come in different forms. Using the right forms in the right situations can make a big difference.

As you communicate, you use two major signal systems—the verbal and the nonverbal. Verbal messages are those sent with words. The word ver-

bal refers to words, not to orality; verbal messages consist

of both oral and written words. Verbal messages do not include laughter; vocalized pauses you make when you speak, such as “er,” “um,” and “ah”; or responses you make to others that are oral but don’t involve words, such

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as “ha-ha,” “aha,” and “ugh!” These sounds are considered nonverbal—as are, of course, facial expressions, eye movements, gestures, and so on. This chapter focuses on verbal messages; the next focuses on nonverbal messages.

Principles of Verbal Messages 4.1 Paraphrase the principles of verbal messages.

To clarify the nature of verbal messages and the meanings they create in the minds of listeners, let’s examine some specific principles: (1) messages are packaged, (2) mean- ings are in people, (3) meanings are denotative and connotative, (4) messages vary in abstraction, (5) messages vary in politeness, (6) messages can be onymous or anony- mous, (7) messages can deceive, and (8) messages vary in assertiveness. Throughout this discussion you’ll find lots of useful suggestions for more effective interpersonal communication.

Messages Are Packaged Both verbal and nonverbal signals occur simultaneously. Usually, verbal and nonver- bal behaviors reinforce or support each other. For example, you don’t usually express fear with words while the rest of your body relaxes. You don’t normally express anger verbally while your face smiles. Your entire being works as a whole—verbally and non- verbally—to express your thoughts and feelings. This blending of verbal and nonverbal signals seems also to help you think and remember (Iverson & Goldin-Meadow, 1999). Social networking sites enable you to package your messages with simple clicks of the mouse—combining photos and videos with your verbal posts. Even in the text-only Twitter, you can post the URLs to photos, videos, and sites (for example a blog post or a website) where you elaborate on your 140-character tweet.

You often fail to notice this “packaging” in others’ messages because it seems so natural. But when the nonverbal messages of someone’s posture or face contradict what is said verbally, you take special notice. For example, the person who says, “I’m so glad to see you,” but avoids direct eye contact and looks around to see who else is present is sending contradictory messages. You also see contradictory or mixed messages when couples say they love each other but seem to go out of their way to hurt each other non- verbally—for example, being late for important dates, flirting with others, or avoiding touching each other.

An awareness of the packaged nature of commu- nication thus suggests a warning against the too-easy interpretation of another’s meaning, especially as revealed in nonverbal behaviors. Before you identify or guess the meaning of any bit of behavior, look at the entire package or cluster of which it is a part, the way in which the cluster is a response to its context, and the role of the specific nonverbal behavior within that clus- ter. That attractive person winking in your direction may be giving you the come-on—but don’t rule out the possibility of ill-fitting contact lenses.

Message Meanings Are in People Meaning depends not only on the packaging of mes- sages (the combined verbal and nonverbal elements) but also on the interaction of these messages and the

VIEWPOINTS Changing Communication Patterns

When asked what they would like to change about the communication patterns of the opposite sex, men said they wanted women to be more direct, and women said they wanted men to stop interrupting and offering advice (Noble, 1994). What one change would you like to see in the communication system of the opposite sex? Of your own sex?

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receiver’s own thoughts and feelings. You don’t “receive” meaning; you create mean- ing. You construct meaning out of the messages you receive combined with your own social and cultural perspectives (beliefs, attitudes, and values, for example) (Berger & Luckmann, 1980; Delia, 1977; Delia, O’Keefe, & O’Keefe, 1982). Words don’t mean; people mean.

For example, if you wanted to know the meaning of the word love, you’d prob- ably turn to a dictionary. There you’d find such definitions as “attraction for another person” and “deep affection for another.” But where would you turn if you wanted to know what Pedro means when he says, “I’m in love”? Of course, you’d turn to Pedro to discover his meaning. It’s in this sense that meanings are not in words but in people. Consequently, to uncover meaning, you need to look into people and not merely into words.

Also recognize that as you change, you also change the meanings you create. That is, although the message sent may not have changed, the meanings you created from it yesterday and the meanings you create today may be quite different. Yesterday, when a special someone said, “I love you,” you created certain meanings. But today, when you learn that the same “I love you” was said to three other people, or when you fall in love with someone else, you drastically change the meanings you draw from those three words.

Because meanings are in people—and each person is unique and different from every other person—no word or message will mean the same thing to two different people. And this is why, for example, the same message (for example, “Will you get me a cup of coffee,” may be perceived as controlling by one person and as a simple request by another. As you can appreciate, this type of misunderstanding can easily lead to interpersonal conflict if you fail to recognize that the meaning is not in the words; it’s in the person. As a result, check your perceptions of another’s meanings by asking questions, echoing what you perceive to be the other person’s feelings or thoughts, and seeking elaboration and clarification.

Meanings Are Denotative and Connotative Consider a word such as death. To a doctor, this word may mean the moment at which the heart stops beating. This is denotative meaning—a rather objective description of an event. To a mother whose son has just died, however, the word means much more. It recalls the son’s youth, his ambitions, his family, his illness, and so on. To her, the word is emotional, subjective, and highly personal. These emotional, subjec- tive, and personal associations are the word’s connotative meaning. The denotation of a word is its objective definition; the connotation is its subjective or emotional meaning. Take another example: compare the term migrant (to designate Mexicans coming into the United States to better their economic condition) with the term settlers (to designate Europeans who came to the United States for the same rea- son) (Koppelman, 2005). Although both terms describe essentially the same activity (and are essentially the same denotatively), one is often negatively evaluated and the other is more often positively valued, and so these terms differ widely in their connotations.

Now consider a simple nod of the head in answer to the question, “Do you agree?” This gesture is largely denotative and simply says yes. But what about a wink, a smile, or an overly rapid speech rate? These nonverbal expressions are more connotative; they express your feelings rather than objective information. The denotative mean- ing of a message is universal; most people would agree with the denotative meanings and would give similar definitions. Connotative meanings, however, are extremely personal, and few people would agree on the precise connotative meaning of a word or nonverbal behavior.

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Snarl words and purr words may further clarify the distinction between denotative and connotative meaning (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1989; Hoffmann, 2005). Snarl words are highly negative (“She’s an idiot,” “He’s a pig,” “They’re a bunch of losers”). Sexist, racist, and heterosexist language and hate speech provide lots of other examples. Purr words are highly positive (“She’s a real sweetheart,” “He’s a dream,” “They’re the greatest”). Although they may sometimes seem to have denotative meaning and refer to the “real world,” snarl and purr words are actually connotative in meaning. They don’t describe people or events; rather, they reveal the speaker’s feelings about these people or events.

Similarly, the meaning of a given signal depends on the other behavior it accompa- nies or is close to in time. Pounding a fist on the table during a speech in support of a politician means something quite different from that same gesture in response to news of a friend’s death. Divorced from the context, both the denotative and the connota- tive meanings of messages can be hard to determine. Of course, even if you know the context in detail, you still may not be able to decipher the meaning of the message as the speaker intended. But understanding the context helps and also raises the chances of our understanding the speaker’s message accurately.

Understanding the distinction between denotation and connotation should encour- age you to clarify connotative meanings (or ask for clarification) when you anticipate potential misunderstandings; misunderstandings are almost always centered on con- notative differences.

Messages Vary in Abstraction Messages vary greatly in abstraction, the degree to which they are general or specific. Figure 4.1 illustrates that messages and individual words exist on different levels of abstraction.

At the top of the list is the general or abstract term entertainment. Note that entertain- ment includes all the items on the list plus various others—television, novels, drama, comics, and so on. Film is more specific and concrete. It includes all of the items below it as well as various other items, such as Indian film or Russian film. It excludes, how- ever, all entertainment that is not film. American film is again more specific and excludes all films that aren’t American. Classic American film further limits American film to a relatively small group of highly acclaimed films. Classic American Western film is still more specific, limiting film to those that are classic, American, and Western. And Shane specifies concretely the one item to which reference is made.

The more general term—in this case, entertainment—conjures up many different images. One person may focus on television, another on music, another on comic books,

Figure 4.1 The Abstraction Ladder

Try creating an abstraction ladder of four or five levels for an abstract term such as food, building, asset, or any other abstract term. What do you see as the major differences between the most abstract and the most concrete terms?

Entertainment

Film

American Film

Classic American Film

Classic American Western Film

Shane

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and still another on radio. To some, the word film may bring to mind the early silent films. To others, it brings to mind high-tech special effects. To still others, it recalls Disney’s animated cartoons. Shane guides the listener still further—in this case to one film. But note that even though Shane identifies one film, different listeners are likely to focus on different aspects of the film: perhaps its character development, perhaps its love story, perhaps its financial success.

Effective verbal messages include words at many levels of abstraction. At times, an abstract, general term may suit your needs best; at other times, a more concrete, specific term may serve better. Generally, however, the specific term will prove the better choice. As you get more specific—less abstract—you guide the images that will come into your listeners’ minds more effectively. In much the same way that you use specific terms to direct your face-to-face listeners’ attention to exactly what you want them to focus on, you also use specific terms to direct an Internet search engine to narrow its focus to just those items you want to access (ideally).

Messages Vary in Politeness One of the best ways to look at politeness (consideration, respect, etc.) in interpersonal communication is in terms of both positive and negative politeness. Both of these forms of politeness are responsive to two needs that each person has: (1) the need to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably (that is, to maintain positive face) and (2) the need to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish (that is, to maintain negative face). Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, involves behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face.

Politeness is considered a desirable trait across most cultures (Brown & Levinson, 1987). Cultures differ, however, in how they define politeness. For example, among English speakers, politeness involves showing consideration for others and present- ing yourself with confidence and polish. For Japanese speakers, it involves showing respect, especially for those in higher-status positions, and presenting yourself with modesty (Haugh, 2004). Cultures also vary in how important they consider politeness as compared with, say, openness or honesty. And, of course, cultures differ in the rules for expressing politeness or impoliteness and in the punishments for violating the accepted rules (Mao, 1994; Strecker, 1993). For example, members of Asian cultures, especially those of China and Japan, are often singled out because they emphasize politeness and mete out harsher social punishments for violations than would people in the United States or Western Europe (Fraser, 1990).

In the business world, politeness is recognized as an important part of interpersonal interactions. In one study, some 80 percent of employees surveyed believed that they did not get respect at work, and 20 percent felt they were victims of weekly incivility (Tsiantar, 2005). In another study, workers were 33 percent less creative when they were exposed to impolite/uncivil behavior and four times less helpful to others (Lapowsky, 2014). Rudeness in the workplace, it’s been argued, reduces performance effectiveness, hurts creativity, and leads to increased worker turnover—all of which is costly for the organization.

Of course, culture is not the only factor influencing politeness. Your personal- ity and your professional training influence your degree of politeness and how you express politeness (Edstrom, 2004). And the context of communication influences politeness; formal situations in which there is considerable power difference call for greater politeness than informal circumstances in which the power differences are minimal (Mullany, 2004).

Politeness and Directness Messages that support or attack face needs (the latter are called face-threatening acts [FTAs]) are often discussed in terms of direct and indirect language. Directness is usually less polite and may infringe on a person’s need to main- tain negative face—“Write me the recommendation.” “Lend me $100.” Indirectness

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allows the person to maintain autonomy (negative face) and provides an acceptable way for the person to refuse your request. “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation?” “Do you happen to have a spare $100 that I might borrow?”

Indirect messages also allow you to express a desire or preference without insult- ing or offending anyone; they allow you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, “I’m bored with this group,” you say, “It’s getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow,” or you look at your watch and pretend to be surprised by the time. Instead of saying, “This food tastes like cardboard,” you say, “I just started my diet” or “I just ate.”

Women are more polite in their speech and use more indirect statements when making requests than do men. This difference seems to have both positive and nega- tive implications. Indirect statements, in being more polite, are generally perceived positively, yet they may also be perceived negatively if they are seen as being weaker and less authoritative than more direct statements. Partly for cultural reasons, indirect statements also may be seen as manipulative or underhanded, whereas direct state- ments may be seen as straightforward and honest.

Context refers to the extent to which information is made explicit or left implicit (because it’s known from past experiences or just assumed). In low-context cultures information is made explicit (as in contracts and signed agreements); the communication is direct. In high-context cultures, much of the information is in the context or in what each person already knows from previous experiences; the communication is often indirect.

THE CULTURAL MAP High- and Low-Context Cultures

Using the concepts of high and low context, how would you compare your posts on Facebook or Twitter to writing an email to your instructor?

China

Australia

Japan

Greece

Arab countries

Turkey

Netherlands

Sweden

Canada

Germany

Switzerland

Latin America

United States

Korea

In high context cultures such as these, much meaning is encoded through facial, eye, and other nonverbal movements. The context is more important than the actual words.

In low-context cultures such as these, meaning is encoded largely in verbal form; little is left to chance. The words are more important than the context.

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Politeness in Inclusion and Exclusion Another perspective on politeness can be seen in messages of inclusion and exclusion. Inclusive messages include all people present, acknowledge the relevance of others, and are normally considered polite. Exclusive messages shut out specific people or entire cultural groups and are normally considered impolite.

You see messages of exclusion in the use of in-group language in the presence of an out-group member. When doctors get together and discuss medicine, there’s no problem. But when they get together with someone who isn’t a doctor, they often fail to adjust to this new person. Instead, they may continue with discussions of procedures, symptoms, medications, and so on, exclud- ing others present. Excluding talk also occurs when people of the same nationality get together within a larger, more heterogeneous group and use the language of their nationality. Similarly, references to experiences not shared by all (experiences such as having children, exotic vacations, and people we know) can serve to include some and exclude others. The use of these terms and experiences can exclude outsiders from full participation in the communication act (Sizemore, 2004).

Politeness Online The Internet has very specific rules for politeness, called netiquette or, in the case of Twitter, twittiquette. Much as the rules of etiquette provide guidance in communicating in face-to-face social situations, the rules of netiquette and twittiquette provide guidance for communicating politely online (McFedries, 2010). These rules not only make online communication more pleasant and easier but also improve your personal efficiency. Here are some key guidelines:

• Familiarize yourself with the site before contributing. Before asking questions about the system, read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs).

• Be brief. Communicate only the information that is needed; communicate clearly, briefly, and in an organized way.

• Be gentle. Refuse a request for friendship gently or ignore it.

• Don’t shout. WRITING IN CAPS IS PERCEIVED AS SHOUTING.

• Be discreet. Don’t use social networking information outside the network.

• Don’t spam or flame. Don’t send unsolicited mail, repeatedly send the same mail, or post the same message (or irrelevant messages) to lots of newsgroups. Don’t make personal attacks on other users.

• Avoid offensive language. Refrain from expressions that would be considered offen- sive to others, such as sexist or racist terms.

• Be considerate. Avoid asking to be friends with someone you suspect may have reason for not wanting to admit you.

• Don’t advertise. Don’t market a product, yourself, or your services on Twitter; it’s permissible on Facebook but do it discreetly.

• Don’t plagiarize. Give credit to others for the ideas you post and certainly any direct quotations.

• Don’t brag. The norm for social networking is modesty, at least as most social net- workers think about it.

Messages Can Be Onymous or Anonymous Some messages are onymous or “signed”; that is, the author of the message is clearly identified, as it is in your textbooks, news-related editorials, feature articles, and, of course, when you communicate face-to-face and, usually, by phone or chat. In many

VIEWPOINTS Directness

How would you describe the level of directness you use when talking face-to-face versus the level you use in social networking? If you notice differences, what are they (specifically) and to what do you attribute these differences?

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cases, you have the opportunity to respond directly to the speaker/writer and voice your opinions, for example, your agreement or disagreement. Other messages are anony- mous: the author is not identified. For example, on faculty evaluation questionnaires and on RateMyProfessor.com, the ratings and the comments are published anonymously.

The Internet has made anonymity extremely easy and there are currently a variety of websites that offer to send your e-mails to your boss, your ex-partner, your secret crush, your noisy neighbors, or your inadequate lawyer—all anonymously. Thus, your message gets sent but you are not identified with it. For good or ill, you don’t have to deal with the consequences of your message.

One obvious advantage of anonymity is that it allows people to voice opinions that may be unpopular and may thus encourage greater honesty. In the case of RateMyPro- fessor.com, for example, anonymity ensures that the student writing negative comments about an instructor will not be penalized. An anonymous e-mail to a sexual partner informing him or her about your having an STD and suggesting testing and treatment might never get said in a face-to-face or phone conversation. The presumption is that anonymity encourages honesty and openness.

Anonymity also enables people to disclose their inner feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams with a depth of feeling that they may be otherwise reluctant to do. A variety of websites that enable you to maintain anonymity are available for these purposes. And in these cases, not only are you anonymous but the people who read your messages are also anonymous, a situation that is likely to encourage a greater willingness to make disclosures and to make disclosures that are at a deeper level than people would otherwise employ.

An obvious disadvantage is that anonymity might encourage people to go to extremes—to voice opinions that are outrageous—because there are no consequences to the message. This in turn can easily spark unproductive and unnecessary conflict. With anonymous messages, you can’t evaluate the credibility of the source. Advice on depression, for example, may come from someone who knows nothing about depres- sion and may make useless recommendations.

Messages Can Deceive It comes as no surprise that some messages are truthful and some are deceptive. Although we operate in interpersonal communication on the assumption that people tell the truth, some people do lie. High school students, for example, reported lying about four times in the last 24 hours (Levine, Serota, Carey, & Messer, 2013). College students seem to lie less, about twice per day (DePaulo, et al, 2003). Other research puts the fig-

ure a bit lower, from .6 to 1.6 lies per day (George & Robb, 2008). In fact, many view lying as common, whether in politics, business, or interpersonal relationships (Amble, 2005; Knapp, 2008). Lying also begets lying; when one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying increases (Tyler, Feldman, & Reichert, 2006). Further- more, people like people who tell the truth more than they like people who lie. So lying needs to be given some attention in any consideration of interpersonal communication.

Lying refers to the act of (1) sending messages (2) with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false. (1) Lying involves sending some kind of verbal and/or nonverbal message (and remember the absence of facial expres- sion or the absence of verbal comment also communicates); it also requires reception by another person. (2) The message must be sent to deceive intentionally. If you give false information to someone but you believe it to be true, then you haven’t lied. You do lie when you send information that you believe to be untrue and you intend to mislead the other person.

Your college professor instructs the class to submit the assignment by the end of the day tomorrow. When will you submit it?

a. I will hand it over at the end of the professor’s class.

b. I will submit it at the time the college closes.

c. I will e-mail it to the professor just before midnight.

d. You will take no chances and will submit it first thing in the morning.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Meanings can be Denotative and Connotative

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As with other interpersonal topics, cultural differences exist with lying—in the way lying is defined and in the way lying is treated. For example, as children get older, Chinese and Taiwanese (but not Canadians) see lying about the good deeds that they do as positive (as we would expect for cultures that emphasize modesty), but taking credit for these same good deeds is seen negatively (Lee et al., 2002).

Some cultures consider lying to be more important than others—in one study, for example, European Americans considered lies less negatively than did Ecuadorians. Both, however, felt that lying to an out-group member was more acceptable than lying to an in-group member (Mealy, Stephan, & Urrutia, 2007).

Types of Lies Lies vary greatly in type; each lie seems a bit different from every other lie (Bhattacharjee, 2017). Here we discuss one useful system that classifies lies into four types (McGinley, 2000).

Prosocial Deception: To Achieve Some Good These lies are designed to benefit the per- son lied to or lied about. For example, praising a person’s effort to give him or her more confidence or to tell someone they look great to simply make them feel good would be examples of prosocial lies. Many of these lies are taught by the culture (Talwar, Murphy, & Lee, 2007). For example, adults might teach children about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy on the theory that these beliefs somehow benefit the child.

Lies have ethical implications. In fact, one of the earliest cultural rules children are taught is that lying is wrong. At the same time, children also learn that in some cases lying is effective—in gaining some reward or in avoiding some punishment.

Some prosocial, self-enhancement, and selfish-deception lies are considered ethical (for example, pub- licly agreeing with someone you really disagree with to enable the person to save face, saying that someone will get well despite medical evidence to the contrary, or simply bragging about your accomplishments). Some lies are considered not only ethical but required (for example, lying to protect someone from harm or telling the proud parents that their child is beautiful). Other lies (largely those in the antisocial category) are considered unethical (for example, lying to defraud investors or to accuse someone falsely).

However, a large group of lies are not that easy to classify as ethical or unethical, as you’ll see in the Ethical Choice Points.

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Lying

Ethical Choice Points • Is it ethical to lie to get what you deserve but can’t get any other way? For example, would you lie to get a

well-earned promotion or raise? Would it matter if you hurt a colleague’s chances of advancement in the process?

• Is it ethical to lie to your relationship partner to avoid a conflict and perhaps splitting up? In this situation, would it be ethical to lie if the issue was a minor one (you were late for an appointment because you wanted to see the end of the football game) or a major one (say, continued infidelity)?

• Is it ethical to lie to get yourself out of an unpleasant situation? For example, would you lie to get out of an unwanted date, an extra office chore, or a boring conversation?

• Is it ethical to lie about the reasons for breaking up a relationship to make it easier for you and the other person? For example, would you conceal that you’ve fallen in love with another person (or that you’re simply bored with the relationship or that the physical attraction is gone) in your breakup speech?

• Is it ethical to exaggerate the consequences of an act in order to discourage it? For example, would you lie about the bad effects of marijuana in order to prevent your children or your students from using it?

• Is it ethical to lie about yourself in order to appear more appealing—for example, saying you were younger or richer or more honest than you really are? For example, would you lie in your profile on Facebook or Google+ or on a dating website to increase your chances of meeting someone really special?

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Some prosocial lies are expected and not to lie would be considered impolite. For example, it would be impolite to tell parents that their child is ugly (even if you firmly believe that the child is ugly). The only polite course is to lie. Still another type of proso- cial lie is when you lie to someone who would harm others: you would lie to an enemy or to someone intending to hurt another person. These lies too would be expected and not to lie would likely brand you as contributing to any harm done as a result of your telling the truth. Children learn prosocial lying early in life and it remains the major type of lie children (and likely adults as well) tell (McGinley, 2000).

Self-Enhancement Deception: To Make Yourself Look Good Not all self-enhancement involves deception. For example, impression-management strategies may be used sim- ply to highlight what is already true about you and that others may not see at first glance. And so, you might mention your accomplishments to establish your credibil- ity. If these accomplishments are true, then this impression-management effort is not deception.

At the same time, however, each of the impression-management strategies may also involve self-enhancement deception. For example, you might mention your good grades but omit the poorer ones; you might recount your generous acts and omit any selfish ones; or you might embellish your competence, lie about your financial situation, or present yourself as a lot more successful than you really are. And, of course, some simply lie in the attempt to enhance the self. For example, in a study of online Taiwanese teen daters, some 70 percent admitted to lying (Huang & Yang, 2013).

Selfish Deception: To Protect Yourself These lies are designed to protect yourself. Sometimes it’s something as simple as not answering the phone because you are busy. In this case, no one really gets hurt. But some selfish deception strategies may involve hurting others. For example, you might imply that you did most of the work for the report—protecting yourself but also hurting the reputation of your colleague. Or you might conceal certain facts to protect yourself—previous failed relationships, an unsa- vory family history, or being fired. Hiding an extra-relational affair is perhaps the classic example of selfish deception.

Sometimes selfish deception is designed to protect the relationship and so, for example, you might lie about a one-time infidelity to protect yourself (and perhaps your partner as well) but also to protect and maintain the relationship.

Antisocial Deception: To Harm Someone These lies are designed to hurt another person. Such lies might include spreading false rumors about someone you dislike or falsely accusing an opposing candidate of some wrongdoing (something you see regularly in political debates). Fighting parents may falsely accuse each other of

a variety of wrongdoing to gain the affection and loyalty of a child. Falsely accusing another person of a wrong you did yourself would be perhaps the clearest example of antisocial deception.

Messages Vary in Assertiveness

If you disagree with other people in a group, do you speak your mind? Do you allow others to take advantage of you because you’re reluc- tant to say what you want? Do you feel uncom- fortable when you have to state your opinion in a group? Questions such as these speak to your degree of assertiveness.

VIEWPOINTS Lying Reasons

Most often people lie to gain some benefit or reward (for example, to increase closeness in a desirable relationship, to protect their self- esteem, or to obtain money) or to avoid punishment. In an analysis of 322 lies, researchers found that 75.8 percent benefited the liar, 21.7 percent benefited the person who was told the lie, and 2.5 percent benefited a third party (Camden, Motley, & Wilson, 1984). Do you think you’d find similar percentages if this study were done today? How would the figures for face-to-face lies differ from the figures for lying in social media?

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Assertive people operate with an “I win, you win” philosophy; they assume that both parties can gain something from an interpersonal interaction, even from a confrontation. Assertive people are more positive and score lower on measures of hopelessness than do nonassertive people (Velting, 1999). Assertive people are willing to assert their rights. Unlike their aggressive counterparts, however, they don’t hurt others in the process. Assertive people speak their minds and welcome others to do likewise.

Do realize that, as with many other aspects of communication, there are wide cul- tural differences when it comes to assertiveness. For example, the values of assertive- ness are more likely to be extolled in individualist cultures than in collectivist cultures. Assertiveness is valued more by those cultures that stress competition, individual suc- cess, and independence. It is valued much less by those cultures that stress coopera- tion, group success, and the interdependence of all members on one another. American students, for example, are found to be significantly more assertive than Japanese or Korean students (Thompson, Klopf, & Ishii, 1991; Thompson & Klopf, 1991). Thus, for some situations, assertiveness may be an effective strategy in one culture but may create problems in another. Assertiveness with an elder in many Asian and Hispanic cultures may be seen as insulting and disrespectful.

Most people are nonassertive in certain situations; if you’re one of these people and if you wish to increase your assertiveness, consider the suggestions in the following subsections (Bower & Bower, 2005; Windy & Constantinou, 2005). (If you are always nonassertive and are unhappy about this, then you may need to work with a therapist to change your behavior.)

Analyze Assertive Communications The first step in increasing your assertiveness skills is to understand the nature of assertive communications. Observe and analyze the messages of others. Learn to distinguish the differences among assertive, aggressive, and nonassertive messages. Focus on what makes one behavior assertive and another behavior nonassertive or aggressive. After you’ve gained some skills in observing the behaviors of others, turn your analysis to yourself. Analyze situations in which you’re normally assertive and situations in which you’re more likely to act nonassertively or aggressively. What characterizes these situations? What do the situations in which you’re normally assertive have in common? How do you speak? How do you com- municate nonverbally?

Assertive communication helps you state your point of view with clarity and confidence, without being aggressive. Before reading further about this aspect of communication, respond to the following statements by indicating how true each of them is about your communication assertiveness. Respond instinctively rather than in the way you feel you should respond. Use the following scale: 5 = always; 4 = usually; 3 = sometimes; 2 = rarely; 1 = never.

____ 1. Do you protest when you see someone breaking a queue you’re in?

____ 2. Do you express your view when you disagree with the teacher during a class discussion?

____ 3. Do you see yourself convey your displeasure at your boss who invariably starts long discussions with you every evening just as you are ready to leave for home?

____ 4. Do you ask to see a supervisor when you find the sales person unhelpful and rude?

____ 5. Do you object when the person seated next to you in a movie theater speaks loudly on the mobile phone?

The above statements are indicative of assertive communication. If you scored about 20 points or more, then it indicates a high level of assertiveness. Low scores, in the range of 5 to 15, indicate a low level of assertiveness. The discussion in this section clarifies the nature of assertive communication and offers guidelines for increasing your own assertiveness and, at the same time, reducing any aggressive tendencies when appropriate.

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Rehearse Assertive Communications One way to rehearse assertiveness is to use desensitization tech- niques (Dwyer, 2005; Wolpe, 1958). Select a situation in which you’re normally nonassertive. Build a hierarchy that begins with a relatively nonthreatening message and ends with the desired communication. For example, let’s say that you have difficulty voicing your opinion to your supervisor at work. The desired behavior then is to tell your supervisor your opinions. To desensitize yourself, construct a hierarchy of visualized situations leading up to this desired behavior. Such a hierarchy might begin with visualizing yourself talking with your boss. Visualize this scenario until you can do it without any anxiety or discomfort. Once you have mastered this visualization, visualize a step closer to your goal, such

as walking into your boss’s office. Again, do this until your visualization creates no dis- comfort. Continue with these successive visualizations until you can visualize yourself telling your boss your opinion. As with the other visualizations, do this until you can do it while totally relaxed. This is the mental rehearsal. You might add a vocal dimension to this by actually acting out (with voice and gesture) telling your boss your opinion. Again, do this until you experience no difficulty or discomfort. Next, try doing this in front of a trusted and supportive friend or group of friends. Ideally this interaction will provide you with useful feedback. After this rehearsal, you’re probably ready for the next step.

Communicate Assertively This step is naturally the most difficult but obviously the most important. Here’s a generally effective pattern to follow in communicating assertively:

1. Describe the problem. Don’t evaluate or judge it. “We’re all working on this adver- tising project together. You’re missing half our meetings, and you still haven’t pro- duced your first report.”

2. State how this problem affects you. Tell the person how you feel. “My job depends on the success of this project, and I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do extra work to make up for what you’re not doing.”

3. Propose solutions that are workable. Propose solutions that allow the person to save face. Describe or visualize the situation if your solution were put into effect. “If you can get your report to the group by Tuesday, we’ll still be able to meet our deadline. I could give you a call on Monday to remind you.”

4. Confirm understanding. “It’s clear that we can’t produce this project if you’re not going to pull your own weight. Will you have the report to us by Tuesday?”

Keep in mind that assertiveness is not always the most desirable response. Assertive people are assertive when they want to be, but they can be nonassertive if the situation calls for it. For example, you might wish to be nonassertive in a situation in which assertiveness might emotionally hurt the other person. Let’s say that an older relative wishes you to do something for her or him. You could assert your rights and say no, but in doing so you would probably hurt this person; it might be better simply to do as asked. Of course, limits should be observed. You should be careful in such a situation that you’re not hurt instead.

A note of caution should be added to this discussion. It’s easy to visualize a situ- ation in which, for example, people are talking behind you in a movie and, with your newfound enthusiasm for assertiveness, you tell them to be quiet. It’s also easy to see yourself getting smashed in the teeth as a result. In applying the principles of assertive communication, be careful that you don’t go beyond what you can handle effectively.

Table 4.1 provides a summary of the principles of verbal messages and some impli- cations for speaking and listening more effectively.

VIEWPOINTS Assertiveness and Leadership

There is some evidence that the extremes of assertiveness—being too assertive or not assertive enough—are seen as weaknesses in organizational leadership (Santora, 2007). How would you describe an effective leader’s level of assertiveness? How does this compare with your own level of assertiveness?

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Principle Verbal Message Strategies

Messages are packaged. Look for the combination of verbal and nonverbal messages working together or against each other.

Message meanings are in people. Look not only to the words used but to the person using the words.

Meanings are both denotative and connotative. Look at both the objective meaning and the subjective meaning expressed.

Messages vary in abstraction. Use both general and specific terms.

Messages vary in politeness. Use messages that reflect positively on others and allow them to be autonomous.

Messages can be onymous or anonymous. Use ownership of a message as one factor in evaluating messages.

Messages can deceive. Acting with a truth bias is usually appropriate, but realize that in some situations, messages may be false and may be purposely designed to mislead you.

Meanings vary in assertiveness. Acting assertively is most often the preferred mode of communication, but attitudes toward assertiveness vary greatly with culture.

Table 4.1 In a Nutshell Principles of Verbal Messages

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Metacommunication: The Ability to Talk about Your Talk

me to our friends” or “I think we should talk about the way we talk about sex.”

And, of course, you can also use nonverbal messages to metacommunicate. You can wink at someone to indicate that you’re only kidding or roll your eyes after saying “Yeah, that was great,” with your eye movement contradicting the literal meaning of the verbal message.

Communicating with Metacommunication Here are a few suggestions for increasing your metacommunica- tion effectiveness:

• Explain the feelings that go with your thoughts. For exam- ple, if your comments are, say, harsher than usual, you might note that you are angry or frightened.

• Give clear feedforward to help the other person get a general picture of the messages that will follow.

• Paraphrase your own complex messages to clarify your meaning even further. Similarly, check on your understand- ing of another’s message by paraphrasing what you think the other person means.

• Ask for clarification if you have doubts about another’s meaning.

Working With Metacommunication As you continue reading this chapter, think about the role of metacommunication in your everyday communication. In what ways do you normally metacommunicate? Are these generally productive? What kinds of metacommunication messages do you wish other people would use more often?

Metacommunication refers to communication about com- munication. Messages may refer to the objects and events in the world (in what is called object language) but also to itself—you can talk about your talk, write about your writing, and this is metacommunication. (The prefix meta- can mean a variety of things, but as used in communication, philoso- phy, and psychology, its meaning is best translated as about. Thus, metacommunication is communication about commu- nication, metalanguage is language about language, and a metamessage is a message about a message.)

Actually, you use this distinction every day, perhaps with- out realizing it. For example, when you send someone an e-mail with a seemingly sarcastic comment and then put a smiley face at the end, the smiley face communicates about your communication; it says something like this: “This mes- sage is not to be taken literally; I’m trying to be humorous.” The smiley face is a metamessage; it’s a message about a message. When you say, in preface to some comment, “I’m not sure about this, but . . . ,” you’re communicating a mes- sage about a message; you’re commenting on the message you’re about to send and asking that it be understood with the qualification that you may be wrong. When you conclude a comment with “I’m only kidding,” you’re metacommunicating; you’re communicating about your communication. In relation- ship communication, you often talk in metalanguage and say things like, “You’re too critical” or “I love when you tell me how much I mean to you.”

Metalanguage is especially important when you want to clarify the communication patterns between yourself and another person: “I’d like to talk about the way you talk about

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Confirmation and Disconfirmation 4.2 Distinguish between confirmation and disconfirmation; define racism, ageism,

heterosexism, and sexism; and provide examples of appropriate cultural identifiers.

The language behaviors known as confirmation and disconfirmation have to do with the extent to which you acknowledge another person. Consider this situation: You’ve been living with someone for the last six months and you arrive home late one night. Your partner, Pat, is angry and complains about your being so late. Of the following responses, which are you most likely to give?

1. Stop screaming. I’m not interested in what you’re babbling about. I’ll do what I want, when I want. I’m going to bed.

2. What are you so angry about? Didn’t you get in three hours late last Thursday when you went to that office party? So knock it off.

3. You have a right to be angry. I should have called to tell you I was going to be late, but I got involved in a serious debate at work and I couldn’t leave until it was resolved.

In response 1, you dismiss Pat’s anger and even indicate dismissal of Pat as a person. In response 2, you reject the validity of Pat’s reasons for being angry, although you do not dismiss either Pat’s feelings of anger or of Pat as a person. In response 3, you acknowl- edge Pat’s anger and the reasons for being angry. In addition, you provide some kind of explanation and, in doing so, show that both Pat’s feelings and Pat as a person are important and that Pat has the right to know what happened. The first response is an example of disconfirmation, the second of rejection, and the third of confirmation.

Psychologist William James once observed that “no more fiendish punishment could be devised, even were such a thing physically possible, than that one should be turned loose in society and remain absolutely unnoticed by all the members thereof.” In this often-quoted observation, James identifies the essence of disconfirmation (Veenen- dall & Feinstein, 1995; Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967).

Disconfirmation is a communication pattern in which you ignore a person’s pres- ence as well as that person’s communications. You say, in effect, that the person and what she or he has to say aren’t worth serious attention. Disconfirming responses often lead to loss of self-esteem (Sommer, Williams, Ciarocco, & Baumeister, 2001).

Note that disconfirmation is not the same as rejection. In rejection, you disagree with the person; you indicate your unwillingness to accept something the other person says or does. In disconfirming someone, however, you deny that person’s significance;

you claim that what this person says or does simply does not count.

Confirmation is the opposite of disconfir- mation. In confirmation, you not only acknowl- edge the presence of the other person but also indicate your acceptance of this person, of this person’s definition of self, and of your relation- ship as defined or viewed by this other per- son. Confirming responses often lead to gains in self-esteem and have been shown to reduce student apprehension in the classroom and indi- rectly to increase motivation and learning (Ellis, 2004). You can communicate both confirmation and disconfirmation in a wide variety of ways; Table 4.2 identifies some specific confirming and disconfirming differences. As you review this table, try to imagine a specific illustration for

VIEWPOINTS Hate Speech

Hate speech is speech that is hostile, offensive, degrading, or intimidating to a particular group of people because of their race, nationality, age, affectional orientation, or sex. How do you respond when you hear other students using hate speech?

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each of the ways of communicating disconfirmation and confirmation (Galvin, Braith- waite, & Bylund, 2015; Pearson, 1993).

You can gain insight into a wide variety of offensive language practices by view- ing them as types of disconfirmation—as language that alienates and separates. We’ll explore this important principle by looking at racism, ageism, heterosexism, and sexism.

Racism Racist language is language that denigrates an ethnic or racial group; it is language that expresses racist attitudes. It also, however, contributes to the development of racist attitudes in those who use or hear the language. Even when racism is subtle, uninten- tional, or even unconscious, its effects are systematically damaging (Dovidio, Gaertner, Kawakami, & Hodson, 2002).

Racism exists on both individual and institutional levels—distinctions made by educational researchers and used throughout this discussion (Koppelman, 2005). Indi- vidual racism involves the negative attitudes and beliefs that people hold about specific races. The assumption that certain races are intellectually inferior to others or that cer- tain races are incapable of certain achievements are clear examples of individual racism. Prejudice against groups such as American Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Arabs have been with us throughout history and is still a part of many people’s lives. Such racism is seen in the negative terms people use to refer to members of other races and to disparage their customs and accomplishments.

Institutionalized racism is seen in patterns—such as de facto school segregation, companies’ reluctance to hire members of minority groups, and banks’ unwillingness to extend mortgages and business loans to members of some races or tendency to charge higher interest rates.

Examine your own language for:

• Derogatory terms for members of a particular race.

• Maintaining stereotypes and interacting with members of other races based on those stereotypes.

• Including reference to race when it’s irrelevant, as in “the [racial name] surgeon” or “the [racial name] athlete.”

• Attributing an individual’s economic or social problems to the individual’s race rather than to, say, institutionalized racism or general economic problems that affect everyone.

Disconfirmation Confirmation

Ignores the presence or contributions of the other person; expresses indifference to what the other person says.

Acknowledges the presence and the contributions of the other person by either supporting or taking issue with what he or she says.

Makes no nonverbal contact; avoids direct eye contact; avoids touching and general nonverbal closeness.

Makes nonverbal contact by maintaining direct eye contact and, when appropriate, touching, hugging, kissing, and otherwise demon- strating acknowledgment of the other.

Monologues; engages in communication in which one person speaks and one person listens; there is no real interaction; there is no real con- cern or respect for each other.

Dialogues; communication in which both persons are speakers and listeners; both are involved; both are concerned with and have respect for each other.

Jumps to interpretation or evaluation rather than working at under- standing what the other person means.

Demonstrates understanding of what the other person says and means and reflects understanding in what the other person says; when in doubt asks questions.

Discourages, interrupts, or otherwise makes it difficult for the other person to express him- or herself.

Encourages the other person to express his or her thoughts and feel- ings by showing interest and asking questions.

Avoids responding or responds tangentially by acknowledging the other person’s comment but shifts the focus of the message in another direction.

Responds directly and exclusively to what the other person says.

Table 4.2 Confirmation and Disconfirmation

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Ageism Although used mainly to refer to prejudice against older people, the word ageism can also refer to prejudice against other age groups. For example, if you describe all teenag- ers as selfish and undependable, you’re discriminating against a group purely because of their age and thus are ageist in your statements. In some cultures—some Asian and some African cultures, for example—the old are revered and respected. Younger people seek them out for advice on economic, ethical, and relationship issues.

Individual ageism is seen in the general disrespect many show toward older people and in negative stereotypes about older people. Institutional ageism is seen in mandatory retirement laws and age restrictions in certain occupations (as opposed to requirements based on demonstrated competence). In a survey by AARP, 48 percent of those age fifty and over said that they experienced or witnessed age discrimination at work (AARP, 2014). In less obvious forms, ageism is seen in the media’s portrayal of old people as incompetent, complaining, and (perhaps most clearly evidenced in both television and films) without romantic feelings. Rarely, for example, does a TV show or film show older people working productively, being cooperative and pleasant, and engaging in romantic and sexual relationships.

Popular language is replete with examples of ageist language; “little old lady,” “old hag,” “old-timer,” “over the hill,” “old coot,” and “old fogy” are a few exam- ples. As with sexism, qualifying a description of someone in terms of his or her age demonstrates ageism. For example, if you refer to “a quick-witted 75-year-old” or “an agile 65-year-old” or “a responsible teenager,” you’re implying that these qualities are unusual in people of these ages and thus need special mention.

You also communicate ageism when you speak to older people in overly simple words or explain things that don’t need explaining. Nonverbally, you demonstrate age- ist communication when, for example, you avoid touching an older person but touch others, when you avoid making direct eye contact with the older person but readily do so with others, or when you speak at an overly high volume (suggesting that all older people have hearing difficulties).

One useful way to avoid ageism is to recognize and avoid the illogical stereotypes that ageist language is based on and examine your own language to see if you do any of the following:

• Talk down to a person because he or she is older. Older people are not mentally slow; most people remain mentally alert well into old age.

• Refresh an older person’s memory each time you see the person. Older people can and do remember things.

• Imply that romantic relationships are no longer important. Older people continue to be interested in relationships.

• Speak at an abnormally high volume. Being older does not mean being hard of hearing or being unable to see; most older people hear and see quite well, some- times with hearing aids or glasses.

• Avoid engaging older people in conversation as you would wish to be engaged. Older people are interested in the world around them.

Even though you want to avoid ageist communication, you may sometimes wish to make adjustments when talking with someone who does have language or com- munication difficulties. The American Speech and Hearing Association website offers several useful suggestions:

• Reduce as much background noise as you can.

• Ease into the conversation by beginning with casual topics and then moving into more familiar topics. Stay with each topic for a while; avoid jumping too quickly from one topic to another.

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• Speak in relatively short sentences and questions.

• Give the person added time to respond. Some older people react more slowly and need extra time.

• Listen actively.

Heterosexism Heterosexism also exists on both an individual and an institutional level. Individual heterosexism consists of attitudes, behaviors, and language that disparage gay men and lesbians and includes the belief that all sexual behavior that is not heterosexual is unnatural and deserving of criticism and condemnation. These beliefs are at the heart of antigay violence and “gay bashing.” Individual heterosexism also includes beliefs such as the notions that gay men or lesbians are more likely to commit crimes than are het- erosexuals (there’s actually no difference) and to molest children than are heterosexuals (actually, child molesters are overwhelmingly heterosexual, married men) (Abel & Har- low, 2001; Koppelman, 2005). It also includes the belief that gay men and lesbians cannot maintain stable relationships or effectively raise children, beliefs that contradict research evidence (Fitzpatrick, Jandt, Myrick, & Edgar, 1994; Johnson & O’Connor, 2002).

Institutional heterosexism is easy to identify. For example, the ban on gay marriage in most states and the fact that at this time only a handful of states allow gay marriage is a good example of institutional heterosexism. Other examples include the Catholic Church’s ban on gay priests and the many laws prohibiting adoption of children by gay men or lesbians. In some cultures (for example, in India, Malaysia, Pakistan, and Singapore), same-sex relations are illegal; penalties range from a misdemeanor charge in Liberia to life in jail in Singapore and death in Pakistan.

Heterosexist language includes derogatory terms used for lesbians and gay men. For example, surveys in the military showed that 80 percent of those surveyed heard “offensive speech, derogatory names, jokes or remarks about gays” and that 85 percent believed that such derogatory speech was “tolerated” (The New York Times, March 25, 2000, p. A12). You also see heterosexism in more subtle forms of language usage, for example, when you qualify a professional—as in “gay athlete” or “lesbian doctor”— and, in effect, say that athletes and doctors are not normally gay or lesbian.

Still another form of heterosexism is the presumption of heterosexuality. Usually, people assume the person they’re talking to or about is heterosexual. And usually they’re correct because most people are heterosexual. At the same time, however, this presumption denies the lesbian or gay identity a certain legitimacy. The practice is very similar to the presumptions of whiteness and maleness that we have made significant inroads in eliminating.

Examine your own language for possible heterosexism and consider, for example, if you do any of the following:

• Use offensive nonverbal mannerisms that parody stereotypes when talking about gay men and lesbians. Do you avoid the “star- tled eye blink” with which some people react to gay couples (Mahaffey, Bryan, & Hutchison, 2005)?

• “Compliment” gay men and lesbians by say- ing that they “don’t look it.” To gay men and lesbians, this is not a compliment. Similarly, expressing disappointment that a person is gay—often thought to be a compliment, as in comments such as “What a waste!”—is not really a compliment.

VIEWPOINTS Gay Homophobes

Anecdotal evidence supports a commonly held idea that those who are most outspokenly homophobic may themselves be gay (and very closeted), based perhaps on the behaviors of people like Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Glenn Murphy Jr., and Dennis Hastert, all of whom were outspoken critics of same-sex rights. Now, however, there is also academic research supporting this connection (Ryan & Ryan, 2012). How do you feel about this?

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• Make the assumption that every gay or lesbian knows what every other gay or les- bian is thinking. It’s very similar to asking a Japanese person why Sony is investing heavily in the United States.

• Stereotype—saying things like “Lesbians are so loyal” or “Gay men are so open with their feelings,” which ignore the reality of wide differences within any group and are potentially insulting to all groups.

• Overattribute—the tendency to attribute just about everything a person does, says, and believes to the fact that the person is gay or lesbian. This tendency helps to activate and perpetuate stereotypes.

• Forget that relationship milestones are important to all people. Ignoring anniversa- ries or birthdays of, say, a relative’s partner is resented by everyone.

• The failure to acknowledge the relationship status of gay and lesbian relatives, for example, not referring to your mother’s brother’s partner as uncle.

As you think about heterosexism, recognize not only that heterosexist language creates barriers to communication but also that its absence fosters more meaning- ful communication: greater comfort, an increased willingness to disclose personal information, and a greater willingness to engage in future interactions (Dorland & Fisher, 2001).

Sexism Individual sexism consists of prejudicial attitudes and beliefs about men or women based on rigid beliefs about gender roles. These might include beliefs such as the idea that women should be caretakers, should be sensitive at all times, and should acqui- esce to a man’s decisions concerning political or financial matters. Sexist attitudes also include the beliefs that men are insensitive, interested only in sex, and incapable of communicating feelings.

Institutional sexism, on the other hand, results from customs and practices that discriminate against people because of their gender. Clear examples in business and industry are the widespread practice of paying women less than men for the same job and the discrimination against women in upper levels of management. Another clear example of institutionalized sexism is the courts’ practice of automatically or nearly automatically granting child custody to the mother rather than to the father.

A subtle form of sexism is seen in the attitudes, concerns, and expectations of parents (Stephens-Davidowitz, 2014). For example, of the Google searches asking whether a child is overweight, there are 17 requests about a girl for every 10 requests about a boy. On the other hand, there are 25 requests about whether a son is gifted for every 10 about a daughter. More Google searches are asked about a boy’s intelligence and leadership abilities, whereas more searches are asked about a girl’s attractiveness.

Parents are apparently more concerned about a girl’s weight than a boy’s, perhaps reinforcing the “girls must be attractive” ste- reotype. Apparently, parents are more concerned about a son being gifted (and ultimately being successful) than a daughter, perhaps reinforcing the stereotype that boys must succeed by their wits.

Of particular interest here is sexist language: language that puts down someone because of his or her gender (a term usually used to refer to language derogatory toward women). The National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) has proposed guidelines for nonsexist (gender-free, gender-neutral, or sex-fair) language. These guidelines concern the use of the generic word man, the use of

A foreign delegation visits your office for a conference on business development. You want to get to the point but find them wasting time on polite conversa- tion. What do you do to tackle this?

a. Accept this as a cultural difference and play along.

b. Politely interrupt them and start the meeting.

c. Show signs of impatience.

d. Gently veer the conversation toward the topic you wish to discuss.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Accepting Cultural Differences

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generic he and his, and sex-role stereotyping (Penfield, 1987). Consider your own commu- nication behavior. Examine your own lan- guage for examples of sexism such as these:

• Use of man generically. Using the term to refer to humanity in general empha- sizes maleness at the expense of female- ness. Gender-neutral terms can easily be substituted. Instead of “mankind,” say “humanity,” “people,” or “human beings.” Similarly, the use of terms such as policeman or fireman that presume male- ness as the norm—and femaleness as a deviation from this norm—are clear and common examples of sexist language.

• Use of he and his as generic. Instead, you can alternate pronouns or restruc- ture your sentences to eliminate any reference to gender. For example, the NCTE Guidelines (Penfield, 1987) suggest that instead of saying, “The average student is worried about his grades,” you say, “The average student is worried about grades.” You can also use the plural form that avoids sex identification and say “Students worry about their grades.”

• Use of sex-role stereotyping. When you make the hypothetical elementary school teacher female and the college professor male, or refer to doctors as male and nurses as female, you’re sex-role stereotyping, as you are when you include the sex of a professional with terms such as “woman doctor” or “male nurse.”

Cultural Identifiers Recognizing that messages vary in cultural sensitivity is a great step toward devel- oping confirming and avoiding disconfirming messages. Perhaps the best way to develop nonracist, nonheterosexist, nonageist, and nonsexist language is to exam- ine the preferred cultural identifiers to use in talking to and about members of different groups. Keep in mind, however, that preferred terms frequently change over time, so keep in touch with the most current preferences. The preferences and many of the specific examples identified here are drawn largely from the findings of the Task Force on Bias-Free Language of the Association of American University Presses (Schwartz, 1995, 2005; Faigley, 2009; the GLAAD Media Reference Guide (2016)); and the numerous educational and governmental websites devoted to bias- free language.

Race and Nationality Generally, most African Americans prefer African American to black (Hecht, Jackson, & Ribeau, 2003), although black is often used with white, as well as in a variety of other contexts (for example, Department of Black and Puerto Rican Stud- ies, the Journal of Black History, and Black History Month). The American Psychologi- cal Association recommends that both terms be capitalized, but the Chicago Manual of Style (the manual used by most newspapers and publishing houses) recommends using lowercase. The terms Negro and colored, although used in the names of some organiza- tions (for example, the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People), are no longer used outside these contexts. People of color—a literary-sounding term appropriate perhaps to public speaking but awkward in most conversations—is preferred to nonwhite, which implies that whiteness is the norm and nonwhiteness is a deviation from that norm.

VIEWPOINTS The Spread of Sexism

Research finds that when a man makes sexist remarks to a particular woman, other women (bystanders who overhear the remarks) also experience reactions such as anxiety, depression, and a general negative attitude toward men (Nauert, 2015). How do you respond when you hear sexist comments?

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White is generally used to refer to those whose roots are in European cultures and usually does not include Hispanics. Analogous to African American (which itself is based on a long tradition of terms such as Irish American and Italian American) is the phrase European American. Few European Americans, however, call themselves that; most prefer their national origins emphasized, as in, for example, German American or Greek American.

Generally, the term Hispanic refers to anyone who identifies as belonging to a Spanish-speaking culture. Latina (female) and Latino (male) refer to persons whose roots are in one of the Latin American countries, such as Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, or Guatemala. Hispanic American refers to U.S. residents whose ancestry is in a Spanish culture; the term includes people from Mexico, the Caribbean, and Central and South America. In emphasizing a Spanish heritage, however, the term is really inaccurate because it leaves out the large numbers of people in the Caribbean and in South America whose origins are African, Native American, French, or Portuguese. Chicana (female) and Chicano (male) refer to persons with roots in Mexico, although it often connotes a nationalist attitude (Jandt, 2004) and is considered offensive by many Mexican Americans. Mexican American is generally preferred.

Inuk (plural Inuit), also spelled with two n’s (Innuk and Innuit), is preferred to Eskimo (the term the U.S. Census Bureau uses), which was applied to the indigenous peoples of Alaska and Canada by Europeans and literally means “raw meat eaters.”

The word Indian technically refers only to someone from India, not to members of other Asian countries or to the indigenous peoples of North America. American Indian or Native American is preferred, even though many Native Americans do refer to them- selves as Indians and Indian people. The word squaw, used to refer to a Native American woman and still used in the names of some places in the United States and in some textbooks, is clearly a term to be avoided; its usage is almost always negative and insult- ing (Koppelman, 2005).

In Canada, indigenous people are called first people or first nations. The term native American (with a lowercase n) is most often used to refer to persons born in the United States. Although technically the term could refer to anyone born in North or South America, people outside the United States generally prefer more specific designations, such as Argentinean, Cuban, or Canadian. The term native describes an indigenous inhab- itant; it is not used to indicate “someone having a less developed culture.”

Muslim (rather than the older Moslem) is the preferred form to refer to a person who adheres to the religious teachings of Islam. Quran (rather than Koran) is the preferred spelling for the scriptures of Islam. Jewish people is often preferred to Jews, and Jewess (a

Jewish female) is considered derogatory. Finally, the term non-Christian is to be avoided: it implies that people who have other beliefs deviate from the norm.

When history was being written from a European perspective, Europe was taken as the focal point and the rest of the world was defined in terms of its location rela- tive to that continent. Thus, Asia became the East or the Orient, and Asians became Orientals—a term that is today considered inappropriate or “Eurocentric.” Thus, people from Asia are Asians, just as people from Africa are Africans and people from Europe are Europeans.

Age Older person is preferred to elder, elderly, senior, or senior citizen (which

VIEWPOINTS Negative Labels

Many people feel that it’s permissible for members of a particular subculture to refer to themselves in terms that, if said by outsiders, would be considered racist, sexist, ageist, or heterosexist. Some researchers suggest that these terms may actually reinforce negative stereotypes that the larger society has already assigned to the group (Guerin, 2003). By using these terms members of the group may come to accept the labels with their negative connotations and thus contribute to their own stereotyping and their own deprecation. Others would argue that, by using such labels, groups weaken the terms’ negative impact. Do you refer to yourself using terms that would be considered offensive or politically incorrect if said by “outsiders”? What effects, if any, do you think such self-talk has?

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technically refers to someone older than 65). Usually, however, terms designating age are unnecessary. Sometimes, of course, you will need to refer to a person’s age group, but most of the time age is irrelevant—in much the same way that racial or affectional orientation terms are usually irrelevant.

Affectional Orientation Generally, gay is the preferred term to refer to a man who has an affectional orientation toward other men, and lesbian is the preferred term for a woman who has an affectional orientation toward other women. (“Lesbian” means “gay woman,” so the term lesbian woman is redundant.) Homosexual refers to both gay men and lesbians, and describes a same-sex sexual orientation but is generally considered derogatory because it implies a total focus on sex; lesbian and gay man are preferred (GLAAD, 2016). The definitions of gay and lesbian go beyond sexual orientation and refer to a self-identification as a gay man or lesbian. Gay as a noun, although widely used, may be offensive in some contexts, as in “We have two gays on the team.” Gay is best used only as an adjective.

Straight meaning heterosexual is generally accepted as in “he’s gay and he’s straight.” The problem with the word straight is that its opposite is not gay but crooked or bent which would be derogatory. But, the jury is out on this one.

Queer is used by many gay and lesbian people but is not thought appropriate by others. Some major newspapers such as the The Washington Post and the The New York Times will not use the term while The Huffington Post has a section called “queer voices” where GLBTQ news and opinions are reported. So, again, there is no universal agree- ment. The best advice to give with this one is, if you’re GLBTQ, use it as you wish; if you’re straight, avoid it.

Because most scientific thinking holds that sexuality is not a matter of choice, the terms sexual orientation and affectional orientation are preferred to sexual preference or sexual status (which is also vague). In the case of same-sex marriages, there are two hus- bands or two wives. In a male-male marriage, each person is referred to as husband and in the case of female-female marriage, each person is referred to as wife. Some same-sex couples prefer the term partner or lover.

Sex and Gender Generally, the term girl should be used only to refer to very young females and is equivalent to boy. In online dating, it is okay for women to refer to them- selves as girls but men need to use the word woman (Roper, 2014). Boy is never used to refer to people in blue-collar positions, as it once was. Lady is negatively evaluated by many because it connotes the stereotype of the prim and proper woman. Woman or young woman is preferred. The term ma’am, originally an honorific used to show respect, is probably best avoided because today it’s often used as a verbal tag to comment (indirectly) on the woman’s age or marital status (Angier, 2010). Transgendered people (people who identify themselves as members of the sex opposite to the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight, male or female) are addressed according to their self-identified sex. Thus, if the person identifies as a woman, then the feminine name and pronouns are used—regardless of the person’s biological sex. If the person identifies as a man, then the masculine name and pronouns are used. Transgender is the opposite of cisgender which refers to people whose self-identification corresponds to the sex assigned at birth.

Transvestites (people who prefer at times to dress in the clothing of the sex other than the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight, male or female) are addressed on the basis of their clothing. If the person is dressed as a woman—regardless of the birth-assigned sex—she is referred to and addressed with feminine pronouns and feminine name. If the person is dressed as a man—regardless of the birth-assigned sex—he is referred to and addressed with masculine pronouns and masculine name.

Table 4.3 provides a brief summary of confirming and disconfirming messages.

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Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively 4.3 Explain the guidelines for avoiding the major misuses of verbal language:

intensional orientation, allness, fact–inference confusion, indiscrimination, polarization, and static evaluation.

Our examination of the principles governing the verbal messages system has suggested a wide variety of ways to use language more effectively. Here are some additional guidelines for making your own verbal messages more effective and a more accurate reflection of the world in which we live. We’ll consider six such guidelines: (1) Exten- sionalize: avoid intensional orientation; (2) see the individual: avoid allness, (3) distin- guish between facts and inferences: avoid fact–inference confusion, (4) discriminate among: avoid indiscrimination, (5) talk about the middle: avoid polarization, and (6) update messages: avoid static evaluation (previewed in Figure 4.2).

Extensionalize: Avoid Intensional Orientation The term intensional orientation refers to a tendency to view people, objects, and events in terms of how they’re talked about or labeled rather than in terms of how they actually exist. Extensional orientation is the opposite: it’s a tendency to look first at

Confirming Messages Disconfirming Messages Those messages that

• accept

• support

• acknowledge the importance and contributions of the other person

Those messages that ignore the presence and the contributions of the other person and that put down others such as

• racism

• heterosexism

• ageism

• sexism

Table 4.3 In a Nutshell Confirmation and Disconfirmation

Figure 4.2 Effective Verbal Messaging

Effective verbal

messaging

Avoid intensional orientation

Avoid allness

Avoid confusing facts and inferences

Avoid indiscrimination

Avoid polarization

Avoid static evaluation

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the actual people, objects, and events and then at the labels—a tendency to be guided by what you see happening rather than by the way something or someone is talked about or labeled.

Intensional orientation occurs when you act as if the words and labels were more important than the things they represent—as if the map were more important than the territory. In its extreme form, intensional orientation is seen in the person who is afraid of dogs and who begins to sweat when shown a picture of a dog or when hearing people talk about dogs. Here the person is responding to a label as if it were the actual thing. In its more common form, intensional orientation occurs when you see people through your schemata instead of on the basis of their specific behaviors. For example, it occurs when you think of a professor as an unworldly egghead before getting to know the specific professor.

The corrective to intensional orientation is to focus first on the object, person, or event and then on the way in which the object, person, or event is talked about. Labels are certainly helpful guides, but don’t allow them to obscure what they’re meant to symbolize.

See the Individual: Avoid Allness The world is infinitely complex, and because of this you can never say all there is to say about anything—at least not logically. This is particularly true when you are dealing with people. You may think you know all there is to know about certain indi- viduals or about why they did what they did, yet clearly you don’t know all. You can never know all the reasons you do something, so there is no way you can know all the reasons your parents, friends, or enemies did something. When you assume you can say all or have said all that can be said, you are into the pattern of illogical thinking called allness.

Suppose, for example, you go on a first date with someone who, at least during the first hour or so, turns out to be less interesting than you would have liked. Because of this initial impression, you may infer that this person is dull, always and everywhere. Yet it could be that this person is simply ill at ease or shy during first meetings. The problem here is that you run the risk of judging a person on the basis of a very short acquaintanceship. Further, if you then define this person as dull, you’re likely to treat the person as dull and fulfill your own prophecy.

Famed British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli once said that “to be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step toward knowledge.” This observation is an excellent example of a nonallness attitude. If you recognize that there is more to learn, more to see, more to hear, you leave yourself open to this additional information, and you’ll be better prepared to assimilate it.

A useful extensional device that can help you avoid allness is to end each statement, sometimes verbally but always mentally, with an “et cetera”—a reminder that there is more to learn, know, and say, that every statement is inevitably incomplete. To be sure, some people overuse the “et cetera.” They use it as a substitute for being specific, which defeats its purpose. It should be used to mentally remind yourself that there is more to know and more to say.

Distinguish between Facts and Inferences: Avoid Fact–Inference Confusion Language enables us to form statements of facts and inferences without making any linguistic distinction between the two. Similarly, when we listen to such statements, we often don’t make a clear distinction between statements of fact and statements of infer- ence. Yet there are great differences between the two. Barriers to clear thinking can be created when inferences are treated as facts—a hazard called fact–inference confusion.

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For example, you can make statements about objects and events that you observe, and you can make statements about objects and events that you have not observed. In form or struc- ture, these statements are similar; they cannot be distinguished from each other by any grammatical analysis. For example, you can say, “She is wearing a blue jacket” as well as “She is harboring an illogical hatred.” If you diagrammed these sentences, they would yield identical structures, and yet you know that they’re different types of statements. In the first sentence, you can observe the jacket and the blue color; the sentence constitutes a factual statement. But how do you observe “illogical hatred”? Obviously, this is not a descriptive statement but an inferential statement, a statement that you make not solely on the basis of what you observe but on the basis of what you observe plus your own conclusions.

There’s no problem with making inferential statements; you must make them if you’re to talk about much that is meaningful. The problem arises when you act as though those inferential state- ments are factual statements.

The differences between factual and inferential statements are highlighted in Table  4.4 and are based on the discussions

of William Haney (1973) and Harry Weinberg (1959). As you go through this table, consider how you would classify such statements as: “God exists,” “Democracy is the best form of government,” and “This paper is white.” Distinguishing between these two types of statements does not imply that one type is better than the other. Both types of statements are useful; both are important. The problem arises when you treat an inferential statement as if it were fact. Phrase your inferential statements as tentative. Recognize that such statements may be wrong. Leave open the possibility of other alternatives.

Inferential Statements Factual Statements

May be made at any time May be made only after observation

Go beyond what has been observed Are limited to what has been observed

May be made by anyone May be made only by the observer

May be about any time—past, present, or future May be about only the past or the present

Involve varying degrees of probability Approach certainty

Are not subject to verifiable standards Are subject to verifiable, scientific standards

Table 4.4 Differences between Factual and Inferential Statements

You may wish to test your ability to distinguish facts from inferences by carefully reading the following account, modeled on a report developed by William Haney (1973), and the obser- vations based on it. Indicate whether you think the observations are true, false, or doubtful on the basis of the information presented in the report. Circle T if the observation is definitely true, F if the observation is definitely false, and ? if the observation may be either true or false. Judge each observation in order. Don’t reread the observations after you have indicated your judgment, and don’t change any of your answers.

A world-renowned scientist had just printed out the final results to the experiment, and turned out the lights in the lab, when a broad figure appeared and demanded the printout. The researcher opened the drawer. Everything in the drawer was picked up. The individual ran down the hall. The chief medical officer was notified immediately.

1. The thief was tall and broad.

2. The researcher turned off the lights.

3. A broad figure demanded the printout.

4. The printout was picked up by someone.

Your mother is attending a high-profile party for which she has purchased a new dress. She puts it on and asks you if you like her dress. You think that it is too loud and does not suit the occasion. How will you let her know?

a. Tell her what you think and ask her to change into something else.

b. Tell her that you like the dress.

c. Tell her, “You look great no matter what you wear.”

d. Evade the question and comment on your mother’s jewelry instead.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Prosocial Deception

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Discriminate Among: Avoid Indiscrimination Nature seems to abhor sameness at least as much as vacuums because nowhere in the universe can you find identical entities. Everything is unique. Language, however, pro- vides common nouns—such as teacher, student, friend, enemy, war, politician, liberal, and the like—that may lead you to focus on similarities. Such nouns can lead you to group together all teachers, all students, and all friends and perhaps divert attention from the uniqueness of each individual, object, and event.

The misevaluation known as indiscrimination—a form of stereotyping—occurs when you focus on classes of individuals, objects, or events and fail to see that each is unique and needs to be looked at individually. Indiscrimination can be seen in state- ments such as these:

• He’s just like the rest of them: lazy, stupid, a real slob.

• I really don’t want another ethnic on the board of directors. One is enough for me.

• Read a romance novel? I read one when I was 16. That was enough to convince me.

A useful antidote to indiscrimination is the extensional device called the index, a mental subscript that identifies each individual in a group as an individual, even though all members of the group may be covered by the same label. For example, when you think and talk of an individual politician as just a “politician,” you may fail to see the uniqueness in this politician and the differences between this particular politician and other politicians. However, when you think with the index—when you think not of politician but of politician1 or politician2 or politician3—you’re less likely to fall into the trap of indiscrimination and more likely to focus on the differences among politicians. The same is true with members of cultural, national, or religious groups; when you think of Iraqi1 and Iraqi2, you’ll be reminded that not all Iraqis are the same. The more you discriminate among individuals covered by the same label, the less likely you are to discriminate against any group.

Talk about the Middle: Avoid Polarization Polarization, often referred to as the fallacy of either/or, is the tendency to look at the world and to describe it in terms of extremes—good or bad, positive or negative, healthy or sick, brilliant or stupid, rich or poor, and so on. Polarized statements come in many forms; for example:

• After listening to the evidence, I’m still not clear who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.

• Well, are you for us or against us?

• College had better get me a good job. Otherwise, this has been a big waste of time.

5. The printout was picked up by the thief.

6. A tall figure appeared after the researcher turned off the lights in the lab.

7. The man who opened the drawer was the researcher.

8. The broad figure ran down the hall.

9. The drawer was never actually opened.

10. Three persons are referred to in this story.

For each statement, ask yourself, “How can I be absolutely certain that the statement is true or false?” You should find that only statement 3 can be clearly identified as true and only statement 9 as false; the remaining eight statements should be marked “?.” This brief experience was designed to trap you into making inferences and thinking of them as facts. Statement 3 is true (it’s in the report) and statement 9 is false (the drawer was opened). But all other statements are inferences and should have been marked “?”. Review the remaining eight statements to see why you cannot be certain that any of them are either true or false.

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In some cases, of course, it’s legitimate to talk in terms of two values. For example, either this thing you’re holding is a book or it isn’t. Clearly, the classes “book” and “not-book” include all possibilities. There is no problem with this kind of statement. Similarly, you may say that a student either will pass this course or will not, as these two categories include all the possibilities.

You create problems, however, when you use this either/or form in situations in which it’s inappropriate; for example, “The supervisor is either for us or against us.” The two choices simply don’t include all possibilities: The supervisor may be for us in some things and against us in others, or he or she may be neutral. Right now there is a tendency to group people into pro- and antiwar, for example—and into similar pro- and anti- categories on abortion, taxes, and just about every important political or social issue. Similarly, you see examples of polarization in opinions about the Middle East, with some people entirely and totally supportive of one side and others entirely and totally supportive of the other side. But clearly these extremes do not include all possibilities, and polarized thinking actually prevents us from entertaining the vast middle ground that exists on all such issues.

Update Messages: Avoid Static Evaluation Language changes very slowly, especially when compared to the rapid pace at which people and things change. When you retain an evaluation of a person, despite the inevitable changes in the person, you’re engaging in static evaluation.

Alfred Korzybski (1933) used an interesting illustration in this connection: In a tank there is a large fish and many small fish that are its natural food source. Given freedom in the tank, the large fish will eat the small fish. After some time, the tank is partitioned, with the large fish on one side and the small fish on the other, divided only by glass. For

Most people exist somewhere between the extremes of good and bad, healthy and sick, brilliant and stupid, rich and poor. Yet there seems to be a strong tendency to view only the extremes and to categorize people, objects, and events in terms of these polar opposites.

You can easily demonstrate this tendency by filling in the opposites for each of the fol- lowing words:

Opposite

tall ____:____:____:____:____:____:____ _________

heavy ____:____:____:____:____:____:____ _________

strong ____:____:____:____:____:____:____ _________

happy ____:____:____:____:____:____:____ _________

legal ____:____:____:____:____:____:____ _________

Filling in the opposites should have been relatively easy and quick. The words should also have been fairly short. Further, if various different people supplied the opposites, there would be a high degree of agreement among them. Now try to fill in the middle positions with words meaning, for example, “midway between tall and short,” “midway between heavy and light,” and so on. Do this before reading any further.

These midway responses (compared to the opposites) were probably more difficult to think of and took you more time. The responses should also have been long words or phrases of several words. And different people would probably agree less on these midway responses than on the opposites.

This exercise clearly illustrates the ease with which we can think and talk in opposites and the difficulty we have in thinking and talking about the middle. But recognize that the vast majority of cases exist between extremes. Don’t allow the ready availability of extreme terms to obscure the reality of what lies in between (Read, 2004).

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a time, the large fish will try to eat the small fish but will fail; each time it tries, it will knock into the glass partition. After some time it will learn that trying to eat the small fish means difficulty, and it will no longer go after them. Now, however, the partition is removed, and the small fish swim all around the big fish. But the big fish does not eat them and in fact will die of starvation while its natural food swims all around. The large fish has learned a pattern of behavior, and even though the actual territory has changed, the map remains static.

While you would probably agree that everything is in a constant state of flux, the relevant question is whether you act as if you know this. Do you act in accordance with the notion of change instead of just accepting it intellectually? Do you treat your little sister as if she were 10 years old, or do you treat her like the 20-year-old woman she has become? Your evaluations of yourself and others need to keep pace with the rapidly changing real world. Otherwise you’ll be left with attitudes and beliefs—static evaluations—about a world that no longer exists.

To guard against static evaluation, use an extensional device called the date: men- tally date your statements and especially your evaluations. Remember that Gerry Smith2015 is not Gerry Smith2019; academic abilities2015 are not academic abilities2019. T. S. Eliot, in The Cocktail Party, said that “what we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then . . . at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.”

These six guidelines, which are summarized in Table 4.5, will not solve all problems in verbal communication—but they will help you to align your language more accu- rately with the real world, the world of words and not words; infinite complexity; facts and inferences; sameness and difference; extremes and middle ground; and, perhaps most important, constant change.

Effective Ineffective

Extensionalize: distinguish between the way people, objects, and events are talked about and what exists in real- ity; the word is not the thing.

Intensionalize: treat words and things as the same; respond to things as they are talked about rather than as they exist.

Avoid allness: no one can know or say all about anything; always assume there is more to be said, more to learn.

Commit allness: assume you know everything that needs to be known or that all that can be said has been said.

Distinguish between facts and inferences and respond to them differently.

Confuse facts and inferences: respond to inferences as if they were facts.

Discriminate among items covered by the same label. Indiscriminately treat all items (people, objects, and events) covered by the same label similarly.

Talk about the middle, where the vast majority of cases exist.

Polarize: view and talk about only the extremes; ignore the middle.

Recognize change: regularly update your messages, mean- ings, evaluations, and beliefs.

Statically evaluate: fail to recognize the inevitable change in things and people.

Table 4.5 In a Nutshell Essential Verbal Message Guidelines

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Summary

This chapter introduced the verbal message system and identified some basic principles concerning how the verbal message system works and how it can be used more effectively.

Principles of Verbal Messages 4.1 Paraphrase the principles of verbal messages.

1. Messages are packaged; verbal and nonverbal signals interact to produce one (ideally) unified message. Six major ways nonverbal messages can interact with verbal messages are to (1) accent, or emphasize a verbal message; (2) complement, or add nuances of meaning; (3) contradict, or deny the verbal message; (4) control, or manage the flow of communication; (5) repeat, or restate the message; and (6) substitute, or take the place of a verbal message.

2. Message meanings are in people—in people’s thoughts and feelings, not just in their words.

3. Meanings are both denotative and connotative. Denotation is the dictionary meaning of a word or sentence. Connotation is the personal meaning of a word or sentence. Denotative meaning is relatively objective; connotative meaning is highly subjective.

4. Messages vary in abstraction; they vary from very specific and concrete to highly abstract and general.

5. Messages vary in politeness—from rude to extremely polite—and may be viewed in terms of maintaining positive and negative face. Variations in what is con- sidered polite among cultures are often great.

6. Messages can be onymous, in which the sender is identified, or anonymous, in which the sender is unidentified.

7. Messages can deceive; some messages are lies.

8. Messages vary in assertiveness. Standing up for one’s own rights without infringing on the rights of others is the goal of most assertive communication.

Confirmation and Disconfirmation 4.2 Distinguish between confirmation and disconfirmation;

define racism, ageism, heterosexism, and sexism; and provide examples of appropriate cultural identifiers.

9. Disconfirmation is communication that ignores another, that denies the other person’s definition of self. Confirmation expresses acknowledgment and

acceptance of others and avoids racist, ageist, hetero- sexist, and sexist expressions that are disconfirming.

10. Appropriate cultural identifiers are essential for effective interpersonal communication.

Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively 4.3 Explain the guidelines for avoiding the major

misuses of verbal language: intensional orientation, allness, fact–inference confusion, indiscrimination, polarization, and static evaluation.

11. Extensionalize: the word is not the thing. Avoid intensional orientation, the tendency to view the world in the way it’s talked about or labeled. Instead, respond to things first; look for the labels second.

12. See the individual; avoid allness, our tendency to describe the world in extreme terms that imply we know all or are saying all there is to say. To combat allness, remind yourself that you can never know all or say all about anything; use a mental and some- times verbal “et cetera.”

13. Distinguish between facts and inferences, and act dif- ferently depending on whether the message is factual or inferential.

14. Discriminate among. Avoid indiscrimination, the ten- dency to group unique individuals or items because they’re covered by the same term or label. To combat indiscrimination, recognize uniqueness, and mentally index each individual in a group (teacher1, teacher2).

15. Talk with middle terms; avoid polarization, the ten- dency to describe the world in terms of extremes or polar opposites. To combat polarization, use middle terms and qualifiers.

16. Update messages regularly; nothing is static. Avoid static evaluation, the tendency to describe the world in static terms, denying constant change. To com- bat static evaluation, recognize the inevitability of change; date statements and evaluations, realiz- ing, for example, that Gerry Smith2013 is not Gerry Smith2020.

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abstraction ageism ageist language allness anonymous messages assertiveness cisgender confirmation connotation cultural identifiers

denotation disconfirmation extensional orientation fact–inference confusion heterosexist language indiscrimination intensional orientation lying metacommunication negative face

onymous messages polarization politeness positive face racist language rejection sexist language static evaluation transgender verbal messages

Key Terms

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Agood way to begin the study of nonverbal commu- nication, which we define simply as communica- tion without words, is to consider your own beliefs

about nonverbal communication. Which of the following statements do you believe are true?

1. Nonverbal communication conveys more meaning than verbal communication.

2. Understanding nonverbal communication will enable you to tell what people are thinking, “to read a person like a book.”

Nonverbal Messages

Chapter Topics Principles of Nonverbal Communication

Channels of Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal Communication Competence

Learning Objectives 5.1 Explain the principles of nonverbal messages.

5.2 Explain the channels through which nonverbal messages are sent and received.

5.3 Identify the competencies for effectively encoding and decoding nonverbal messages.

CHAPTER FIVE

Nonverbal messages come in different forms. Learn to use and respond to them for greater interpersonal effectiveness.

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3. Studying nonverbal communication will enable you to detect lying.

4. Unlike verbal communication, the meanings of nonverbal signals are universal throughout the world.

5. When verbal and nonverbal messages contradict each other, it’s wise to believe the nonverbal.

Actually, all of these statements are popular myths about nonverbal communi- cation. Briefly, (1) in some instances, nonverbal messages may communicate more meaning than verbal messages, but, in most cases, it depends on the situation. You won’t get very far discussing complex theories and historical events nonverbally, for example. (2) This is an impossible task; you may get ideas about what someone is thinking, but you really can’t be certain on the basis of nonverbal behaviors alone. (3) Lie detection is a far more difficult process than any chapter or even series of courses could accomplish. (4) Although some nonverbal behaviors may be universal in meaning, many signals communicate very different meanings in different cultures. (5) People can be deceptive verbally as well as nonverbally; it’s best to look at the entire group of signals before making a judgment, but even then it won’t be an easy or sure thing.

Studying nonverbal communication and developing your nonverbal competence will yield a variety of benefits.

• It improves your understanding of people, those from your own culture as well as those from cultures very different from your own. Increased accuracy in under- standing others will yield obvious benefits in social and workplace situations— from understanding the coy smile of a romantic interest to the meaning of a supervisor’s gestures.

• It increases your effectiveness in a variety of interpersonal situations, including close relationships, workplace relationships, teacher–student relationships, inter- cultural communication, courtroom communication, politics, and health care (DeVito, 2014; Knapp, 2008; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012; Riggio & Feldman, 2005).

• It increases your own perceived attractiveness; the greater your ability to send and receive nonverbal signals, the higher your popularity and psychosocial well-being are likely to be (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).

• It enables you to make a more effective self-presentation. For example, when you meet someone for the first time—at least in face-to-face meetings—you form impres- sions of the person largely on the basis of his or her nonverbal messages. Being able to more effectively understand and manage your nonverbal messages will enable you to present yourself in the way you want to be perceived.

You communicate nonverbally when you gesture, smile or frown, widen your eyes, move your chair closer to someone, wear jewelry, touch someone, raise your vocal vol- ume, or even when you say nothing. The crucial aspect of nonverbal communication is that the message you send is in some way received by one or more other people. If you gesture while alone in your room and no one is there to see you, then, most theorists would argue, communication has not taken place. The same, of course, is true of verbal messages: if you recite a speech and no one hears it, then interpersonal communication has not taken place.

Principles of Nonverbal Communication 5.1 Explain the principles of nonverbal messages.

Perhaps the best way to begin the study of nonverbal communication is to examine several principles that, as you’ll see, also identify the varied functions that nonverbal

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messages serve (Afifi, 2007; Burgoon & Bacue, 2003; Burgoon & Hoobler, 2002; DeVito, 2014). These will also demonstrate the power of nonverbal communication. Figure 5.1 provides a preview of these principles.

Nonverbal Messages Interact with Verbal Messages Verbal and nonverbal messages interact with each other in six major ways: to accent, to complement, to contradict, to control, to repeat, and to substitute for each other.

• Accent Nonverbal communication is often used to accent or emphasize some part of the verbal message. You might, for example, raise your voice to underscore a particular word or phrase, bang your fist on the desk to stress your commitment, or look longingly into someone’s eyes when saying, “I love you.”

• Complement Nonverbal communication may be used to complement, to add nuances of meaning not communicated by your verbal message. Thus, you might smile when telling a story (to suggest that you find it humorous) or frown and shake your head when recounting someone’s deceit (to suggest your disapproval).

• Contradict You may deliberately contradict your verbal messages with nonver- bal movements, for example, by crossing your fingers or winking to indicate that you’re lying.

• Control Nonverbal movements may be used to control, or to indicate your desire to control, the flow of verbal messages, as when you purse your lips, lean for- ward, or make hand movements to indicate that you want to speak. You might also put up your hand or vocalize your pauses (for example, with “um”) to indicate that you have not finished and aren’t ready to relinquish the floor to the next speaker.

Figure 5.1 The Power of Nonverbal Messages

The power of

nonverbal messages

Interacting with verbal

messages

Influencing and

deceiving

Expressing emotions

Managing impressions

Forming relationships

Structuring conversation

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• Repeat You can repeat or restate the verbal message nonverbally. You can, for example, follow your verbal “Is that all right?” with raised eyebrows and a ques- tioning look, or you can motion with your head or hand to repeat your verbal “Let’s go.”

• Substitute You may also use nonverbal communication to substitute for verbal mes- sages. You can, for example, signal “okay” with a hand gesture. You can nod your head to indicate yes or shake your head to indicate no.

When you communicate electronically, of course, your message is communicated by means of typed letters without facial expressions or gestures that normally accom- pany face-to-face communication and without the changes in rate and volume that are part of normal telephone communication. To compensate for this lack of nonver- bal behavior, the emoticon or smiley, and their more sophisticated counterparts, the emoji, were created. Originally—and it’s still widely in use—an emoticon or smiley was a symbol typed with regular computer keys. And so :-) represented a smile and ;-) represented a wink. Even here there was cultural variation. For example, because it’s considered impolite for a Japanese woman to show her teeth when she smiles, the Japa- nese emoticon for a woman’s smile is ( ¿ . ¿ ), where the dot signifies a closed mouth. A man’s smile is written ( ¿ @ ¿ ), signifying a more open mouth smile. Now, emoticons and emoji are more often inserted into written messages from pull down menus and, of course, are provided as comment options on social media.

Nonverbal Messages Help Manage Impressions It is largely through the nonverbal communications of others that you form impressions of them. Based on a person’s body size, skin color, and dress, as well as on the way the person smiles, maintains eye contact, and expresses him- or herself facially, you form impressions—you judge who the person is and what the person is like.

And, at the same time that you form impressions of others, you are also manag- ing the impressions they form of you, using different strategies to achieve different impressions. Of course, many of these strategies involve nonverbal messages. For example:

• To be liked, you might smile, pat another on the back, and shake hands warmly. See Table 5.1 for some additional ways in which nonverbal communication may make you seem more attractive and more likeable (Andersen, 2004; Riggio & Feldman, 2005).

• To be believed, you might use focused eye contact, a firm stance, and open gestures.

• To excuse failure, you might look sad, cover your face with your hands, and shake your head.

• To secure help, by indicating helplessness, you might use open hand gestures, a puzzled look, and inept movements.

• To hide faults, you might avoid self-touching.

• To be followed, you might dress the part of a leader or display your diploma or awards where others can see them.

• To confirm your self-image and to communicate it to others, you might dress in certain ways or decorate your apartment with items that reflect your personality.

Nonverbal Messages Help Form Relationships Much of your relationship life is lived nonverbally. You communicate affection, support, and love, in part at least, nonverbally (Floyd & Mikkelson, 2005). At the same time, you also communicate displeasure, anger, and animosity through nonverbal signals.

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You also use nonverbal signals to communicate the nature of your relationship to another person, and you and that person communicate nonverbally with each other. These signals that communicate your relationship status are known as tie signs: they indi- cate the ways in which your relationship is tied together (Afifi & Johnson, 2005; Goffman, 1967; Knapp, Hall, & Horgan, 2014.). Tie signs are also used to confirm the level of the relationship; for example, you might hold hands to see if this is responded to positively. Of course, tie signs are often used to let others know that the two of you are tied together.

Tie signs vary in intimacy and may extend from the relatively informal handshake through more intimate forms—such as hand-holding and arm linking—to very intimate contact—such as full mouth kissing (Andersen, 2004).

You also use nonverbal signals to commu- nicate your relationship dominance and status (Dunbar & Burgoon, 2005; Knapp, Hall, & Horgan, 2014). The large corner office with the huge desk communicates high status, just as the basement cubicle communicates low status.

Nonverbal Messages Structure Conversation When you’re in conversation, you give and receive cues—signals that you’re ready to speak, to listen, to comment on what the speaker just said. These cues regulate and structure the interaction. These turn-taking cues may be verbal (as when you say, “What do you think?” and thereby give the speak- ing turn over to the listener). Most often, how- ever, they’re nonverbal; a nod of the head in the

Attractive Unattractive

Gesture to show liveliness and animation in ways that are appropriate to the situation and to the message.

Gesture for the sake of gesturing or gesture in ways that may prove offensive to members of other cultures.

Nod and lean forward to signal that you’re listen- ing and are interested.

Go on automatic pilot, nodding without any con- nection to what is said, or lean so far forward that you intrude on the other’s space.

Smile and facially show your interest, attention, and positivity.

Overdo it; inappropriate smiling is likely to be per- ceived negatively.

Make eye contact in moderation. Stare, ogle, glare, or otherwise make the person feel that he or she is under scrutiny.

Touch in moderation when appropriate. When in doubt, avoid touching another.

Touch excessively or too intimately.

Use vocal variation in rate, rhythm, pitch, and vol- ume to communicate your animation and involve- ment in what you’re saying.

Fall into a pattern in which, for example, your voice goes up and down without any relationship to what you’re saying.

Use appropriate facial reactions, posture, and back-channeling cues to show that you’re listening.

Listen motionlessly or in ways that suggest you’re listening only halfheartedly.

Stand reasonably close to show connectedness. Invade the other person’s comfort zone.

Present a pleasant smell—and be careful to cam- ouflage the onions, garlic, or smoke that you’re so used to you can’t smell.

Overdo the cologne or perfume.

Dress appropriately to the situation. Wear clothing that’s uncomfortable or that calls attention to itself.

Table 5.1 Ten Nonverbal Messages and Attractiveness

VIEWPOINTS Greetings

The social or cheek kiss is fast replacing the handshake in the workplace, perhaps because of the Latin influence or perhaps because of growing informality in the business world (Olson, 2006). But because the practice is in transition, it’s often difficult to know how to greet people. What nonverbal signals would you look for in deciding whether someone expects you to extend a hand or pucker your lips?

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direction of someone else, for example, signals that you’re ready to give up your speaking turn and want this other person to say something. You also show that you’re listening and that you want the conversation to continue (or that you’re not listening and want the conversation to end) largely through nonverbal signals of pos- ture and eye contact (or the lack thereof).

Nonverbal Messages Can Influence and Deceive You can influence others not only through what you say but also through your nonverbal signals. A focused glance that says you’re committed; gestures that further explain what you’re saying; appropriate dress that says, “I’ll easily fit in with this organiza- tion”—these are just a few examples of ways in which you can exert nonverbal influence.

Gesturing even seems to help learning and memory (Dean, 2010c). For example, children increase their learning when they gesture (Stevanoni & Salmon, 2005) and, among adults, those who gestured while solving a problem were quicker to solve the prob- lem the second time (Beilock & Goldin-Meadow, 2010). Apparently, gesturing helps reinforce the message or activity in one’s memory.

And with the ability to influence, of course, comes the ability to deceive—to mis- lead another person into thinking something is true when it’s false or that something is false when it’s true. One common example of nonverbal deception is using your eyes and facial expressions to communicate a liking for other people when you’re really interested only in gaining their support in some endeavor. Not surprisingly, you also use nonverbal signals to detect deception in others. For example, you may well suspect a person of lying if he or she avoids eye contact, fidgets, and conveys inconsistent verbal and nonverbal messages.

Research shows that it’s very difficult to detect when a person is lying or tell- ing the truth. The hundreds of research studies conducted on this topic find that, in most instances, people judge lying accurately in less than 60 percent of the cases, only slightly better than chance (Knapp, 2008). And these percentages are even lower when you try to detect lying in a person from a culture very different from your own (Sab- ourin, 2007).

Some evidence shows that lie detection is even less accurate in long-standing rela- tionships, where it is expected that each person will tell the truth (Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2007). One of the most important reasons for this is the truth bias: you assume that the person is telling the truth. There are also situations where there is a deception bias. For example, in prison, where lying is so prevalent and where lie detection is a crucial survival skill, prisoners and prison guards often operate with a lie bias and assume that what the speaker is saying is a lie (Knapp, 2008).

With these cautions in mind, and from a combination of research studies, the fol- lowing behaviors were found to accompany lying most often (Andersen, 2004; Burgoon, 2005; DePaulo et al., 2003; Knapp, 2008; Leathers & Eaves, 2008):

• Liars hold back. They speak more slowly, take longer to respond to questions, and generally give less information and elaboration.

• Liars leak. Slight facial and eye movements may reveal the person’s real feelings, a process referred to as leakage. Often this is the result of what has come to be called “duping delight”—the pleasure you get when you feel you’re putting over a lie.

• Liars make less sense. Liars’ messages contain more discrepancies, more inconsistencies.

Sally smiles almost all the time. Even when she criti- cizes or reprimands a subordinate, she ends with a smile, and this dilutes the strength of her message. As Sally’s supervisor, you need her to realize what she’s doing and to change her nonverbals. What are some of the things you can say to Sally that will not offend her but at the same time get her to realize that her nonverbals are not consistent with her verbal message?

a. Give Sally a book on nonverbal communication.

b. Tell Sally directly.

c. Catch her smiling and then call it to her attention.

d. Say nothing.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Smiling to Bad Effect

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• Liars give a more negative impression. Generally, liars are seen as less willing to be cooperative, smile less than truth-tellers, and are more defensive.

• Liars are tense. The tension may be revealed by their higher-pitched voices and their excessive body movements.

• Liars exhibit greater pupil dilation, more eye blinks, and more gaze aversion.

• Liars speak with a higher vocal pitch. Their voices often sound as if they were under stress.

• Liars make more errors and use more hesitations in their speech. They pause more and for longer periods of time.

• Liars make more hand, leg, and foot movements.

• Liars engage in more self-touching movements. For example, liars touch their face or hair more and touch more objects, for example, playing with a coffee cup or pen.

Nonverbal Messages Are Crucial for Expressing Emotions Although people often explain and reveal emotions verbally, nonverbal signals com- municate a great part of your emotional experience. For example, you reveal your level of happiness or sadness or confusion largely through facial expressions. Of course, you also reveal your feelings by posture (for example, whether tense or relaxed), ges- tures, eye movements, and even the dilation of your pupils. Nonverbal messages often help people communicate unpleasant messages that they might feel uncomfortable putting into words (Infante, Rancer, & Avtgis, 2010). For example, you might avoid eye contact and maintain large distances between yourself and someone with whom you didn’t want to interact or with whom you want to decrease the intensity of your relationship.

You also use nonverbal messages to hide your emotions. You might, for example, smile even though you feel sad to avoid dampening the party spirit. Or you might laugh at someone’s joke even though you think it is silly.

At the same time that you express emotions nonverbally, you also use nonverbal cues to decode or decipher the emotions of others. Of course, emotions are internal and a person can use emotional expression to deceive, so you can only make inferences about another’s emotional state. Not surprisingly, scientists working in a field called affective computing are developing programs that decode a person’s emotions by ana- lyzing voices, facial movements, and style of walking (Savage, 2013).

Table 5.2 summarizes these several principles of nonverbal communication.

Principles Examples

Nonverbal messages interact with verbal messages.

To accent, complement, contradict, control, repeat, substitute.

Nonverbal messages help you manage the impressions you want to give.

To be believed, to excuse failure, to secure help, to hide faults, to be followed, to confirm self-image.

Nonverbal messages help form relationships.

To help develop and maintain (and even dissolve) relationships.

Nonverbal messages structure conversations.

To signal speaking and listening turns.

Nonverbal messages can influence and deceive.

To strengthen or change attitudes, beliefs, and values.

Messages are crucial for expressing emotions.

To communicate varied emotions and their strength.

Table 5.2 In a Nutshell The Principles of Nonverbal Communication

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Channels of Nonverbal Communication 5.2 Explain the channels through which nonverbal messages are sent and

received.

Nonverbal communication involves a variety of channels. Here we look at: (1) body messages, (2) facial communication, (3) eye communication, (4) touch communication, (5) paralanguage, (6) silence, (7) spatial messages and territoriality, (8) artifactual com- munication, (9) olfactory messages, and (10) temporal communication. As you’ll see, nonverbal messages are heavily influenced by culture (Matsumoto, 2006; Matsumoto & Yoo, 2005; Matsumoto, Yoo, Hirayama, & Petrova, 2005; Jandt, 2016).

Body Messages In much interpersonal interaction, it’s the person’s body that communicates most imme- diately. Here we look at body gestures and body appearance—two main ways the body communicates.

Body Gestures An especially useful classification in kinesics—or the study of com- munication through body movement—identifies five types: emblems, illustrators, affect displays, regulators, and adaptors (Ekman & Friesen, 1969).

Emblems Emblems are substitutes for words; they’re body movements that have rather specific verbal translations, such as the nonverbal signs for “okay,” “peace,” “come here,” “go away,” “who, me?” “be quiet,” “I’m warning you,” “I’m tired,” and “it’s cold.” Emblems are as arbitrary as any words in any language. Consequently, your present culture’s emblems are not necessarily the same as your culture’s emblems of 300 years ago or the same as the emblems of other cultures. For example, the sign made by forming a circle with the thumb and index finger may mean “nothing” or “zero” in France, “money” in Japan, and something sexual in certain southern European cultures.

Illustrators Illustrators accompany and literally illustrate verbal messages. Illustra- tors make your communications more vivid and help to maintain your listener’s atten- tion. They also help to clarify and intensify your verbal messages. In saying, “Let’s go up,” for example, you probably move your head and perhaps your finger in an upward direction. In describing a circle or a square, you more than likely make circular or square movements with your hands. Research points to another advantage of illustrators: they increase your ability to remember. People who illustrated their verbal messages with gestures remembered some 20 percent more than those who didn’t gesture (Goldin- Meadow, Nusbaum, Kelly, & Wagner, 2001).

We are aware of illustrators only part of the time; at times, they may have to be brought to our attention. Illustrators are more universal than emblems; illustrators are recognized and understood by members of more different cultures than are emblems.

Affect Displays Affect displays are the movements of the face that convey emotional meaning—the expressions that show anger and fear, happiness and surprise, eagerness and fatigue. They’re the facial expressions that give you away when you try to present a false image and that lead people to say, “You look angry. What’s wrong?” We can, how- ever, consciously control affect displays, as actors do when they play a role. Affect displays may be unintentional (as when they give you away) or intentional (as when you want to show anger, love, or surprise). A particular kind of affect display is the poker player’s “tell,” a bit of nonverbal behavior that communicates bluffing; it’s a nonverbal cue that tells others that a player is lying. In much the same way that you may want to conceal certain feelings from friends or relatives, the poker player tries to conceal any such tells.

Regulators Regulators monitor, maintain, or control the speaking of another indi- vidual. When you listen to another, you’re not passive; you nod your head, purse your lips, adjust your eye focus, and make various paralinguistic sounds such as “uh-huh”

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or “tsk.” Regulators are culture-bound: each culture develops its own rules for the regulation of conversation. Regulators also include broad movements such as shaking your head to show disbelief or leaning forward in your chair to show that you want to hear more. Regulators communicate what you expect or want speakers to do as they’re talking, for example, “Keep going,” “Tell me what else happened,” “I don’t believe that. Are you sure?” “Speed up,” and “Slow down.” Speakers often receive these nonverbal signals without being consciously aware of them. Depending on their degree of sen- sitivity, speakers modify their speaking behavior in accordance with these regulators.

Adaptors Adaptors satisfy some need and usually occur without conscious awareness; they’re unintentional movements that usually go unnoticed. Nonverbal researchers identify three types of adaptors based on their focus, direction, or target: self-adaptors, alter-adaptors, and object-adaptors (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).

• Self-adaptors usually satisfy a physical need, generally serving to make you more comfortable; examples include scratching your head to relieve an itch, moistening your lips because they feel dry, or pushing your hair out of your eyes.

• Alter-adaptors are the body movements you make in response to your interactions. Examples include crossing your arms over your chest when someone unpleasant approaches or moving closer to someone you like.

• Object-adaptors are movements that involve your manipulation of some object. Fre- quently observed examples include punching holes in or drawing on a Styrofoam coffee cup, clicking a ballpoint pen, or chewing on a pencil. Object-adaptors are usu- ally signs of negative feelings; for example, you emit more adaptors when feeling hostile than when feeling friendly (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).

Table 5.3 summarizes and provides examples of these five types of movements.

Gestures and Cultures There is much variation in gestures and their meanings among different cultures (Axtell, 2007). Consider a few common gestures that you may often use without thinking but that could easily get you into trouble if you used them in another culture (also see Figure 5.2):

• Folding your arms over your chest would be considered defiant and disrespectful in Fiji.

• Waving your hand would be insulting in Nigeria and Greece.

• Gesturing with the thumb up would be rude in Australia.

• Tapping your two index fingers together would be considered an invitation to sleep together in Egypt.

• Pointing with your index finger would be impolite in many Middle Eastern countries.

Movement and Function Examples

Emblems directly translate words or phrases. “Okay” sign, “Come here” wave, hitchhiker’s sign.

Illustrators accompany and literally “illustrate” verbal messages.

Circular hand movements when talking of a circle, hands far apart when talking of something large.

Affect displays communicate emotional meaning. Expressions of happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust, contempt, and interest.

Regulators monitor, maintain, or control the speaking of another.

Facial expressions and hand gestures indicating “Keep going,” “Slow down,” or “What else happened?”

Adaptors satisfy some need. Scratching head, chewing on pencil, adjusting glasses.

Table 5.3 Five Types of Body Movements

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• Bowing to a lesser degree than your host would be considered a statement of your superiority in Japan.

• Inserting your thumb between your index and middle finger in a clenched fist would be viewed as a wish that evil fall on the person in some African countries.

• Resting your feet on a table or chair would be insulting and disrespectful in some Middle Eastern cultures.

Body Appearance Of course, the body communicates even without movement. For example, others may form impressions of you from your general body build; from your height and weight; and from your skin, eye, and hair color. Assessments of your power, attractiveness, and suitability as a friend or romantic partner are often made on the basis of your body appearance (Sheppard & Strathman, 1989).Your body also reveals your race, through skin color and tone, and also may give clues about your more spe- cific nationality. Your weight in proportion to your height communicates messages to others, as do the length, color, and style of your hair. Your hair, for example, may com- municate a concern for being up-to-date, a desire to shock, or perhaps a lack of concern for appearances. Men with long hair are generally judged as less conservative than men with shorter hair. And, research finds, women perceive men with full beards bet- ter prospects for long-term relationships while stubble seems preferred for short-term relationships (Dixon, Sulikowski, Gouda-Vossos, Rantala, & Brooks, 2016; Dean, 2016a).

Your general attractiveness is also part of body communication. Attractive people have the advantage in just about every activity you can name. They get better grades in school, are more valued as friends and lovers, and are preferred as coworkers (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). Although we normally think that attractiveness is culturally determined—and to some degree it is—research seems to indicate that definitions of attractiveness are becoming universal (Brody, 1994). That is, a person rated as attractive in one culture is likely to be rated as attractive in other cultures—even in cultures whose people are widely different in appearance.

Figure 5.2 Some Cultural Meanings of Gestures

Cultural differences in the meanings of nonverbal gestures are often significant. The over-the-head clasped hands that signify victory to an American may signify friendship to a Russian. To an American, holding up two fingers to make a V signifies victory or peace. To certain South Americans, however, it is an obscene gesture that corresponds to an American’s extended middle finger. This figure highlights some additional nonverbal differences. Can you identify others?

Okay sign France: “You’re a zero”; Japan: “Please give me coins”; Brazil: An obscene gesture; Mediterranean countries: An obscene gesture.

Thumb and forefinger Most countries: Money; France: Something is perfect; Mediterranean: A vulgar gesture.

Thumbs up Australia: “Up yours”; Germany: The number one; Japan: The number five; Saudi Arabia: “I’m winning”; Ghana: An insult; Malaysia: The thumb is used to point rather than the index finger.

Thumbs down Most countries: Something is wrong or bad.

Open palm Greece: An insult dating to ancient times; West Africa: “You have five fathers,” an insult akin to calling someone a bastard.

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Height has been shown to be significant in a wide variety of situations (Keyes, 1980; Knapp, Hall, & Horgan, 2014). For example, when corporate recruiters were shown identical résumés for people some of whom were noted as being 5′5″ and others as being 6′1″—everything else being the same—the taller individual was chosen signifi- cantly more often than were the shorter individuals.

In another study, it was found that the salaries of those between 6′2″ and 6′4″ were more than 12 percent higher than the salaries of those shorter than 6 feet. Tall presidential candidates have a much better record of winning elections than do their shorter opponents.

In an investigation of height and satisfaction, it was found that boys were less sat- isfied with their heights than were girls. Fifty percent of the boys surveyed indicated that they wanted to be taller, 2 percent said they wanted to be shorter, and 48 percent indicated satisfaction. Only 20 percent of the girls indicated that they wanted to be taller, 13 percent said they wanted to be shorter, and 67 percent indicated they were satisfied. Perhaps because of the perceived importance of height, this is one of the things that men lie about in their Internet dating profiles, making themselves appear a bit taller. Women, on the other hand, present themselves as weighing a bit less (Toma, Hancock, & Ellison, 2008; Dean, 2010b).

Facial Communication Throughout your interpersonal interactions, your face communicates—especially sig- naling your emotions. In fact, facial movements alone seem to communicate the degree of pleasantness, agreement, and sympathy a person feels; the rest of the body doesn’t provide any additional information. For other aspects—for example, the intensity with which an emotion is felt—both facial and bodily cues are used (Graham & Argyle, 1975; Graham, Bitti, & Argyle, 1975).

Some nonverbal communication researchers claim that facial movements may communicate at least the following eight emotions: happiness, surprise, fear, anger,

Height is an especially important part of body appearance. Before reading about this, try estimating the heights of the following famous people whom you’ve probably read about or heard about (but probably not seen in person) by circling the guessed height. In each of these examples, one of the heights given is correct.

1. Baby Face Nelson (bank robber and murderer in the 1930s): 5′5″, 5′11″, 6′2″

2. Ludwig Van Beethoven (influential German composer): 5′6″, 6′0″, 6′5″

3. Kim Kardashian (media personality): 5′2″, 5′5″, 5′8″

4. Buckminster Fuller (scientist, credited with inventing the geodesic dome): 5′2″, 5′10″, 6′3″

5. Bruno Mars (singer): 5′5″, 5′8″, 5′10″

6. Mahatma Gandhi (Indian political leader whose civil disobedience led to India’s indepen- dence from British rule): 5′3″, 5′8″, 6′0″

7. Jada Pinkett Smith (actor): 5′0″, 5′6″, 5′9″

8. Joan of Arc (military leader, burned for heresy at age 19, and declared a saint) 4′11″, 5′4″, 5′10″

9. T. E. Lawrence of Arabia (adventurer and British army officer) 5′5″, 6′0″, 6′5″

10. Salma Hayek (actor): 5′2″, 5′5″, 5′8″

This exercise was designed to see if you would overestimate the heights of a number of these people. Fame seems to be associated with height, and so most people would think these people were taller than they really were. The specific heights for all are the shortest heights given above.

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sadness, disgust, contempt, and interest (Ekman, Friesen, & Ellsworth, 1972). Others propose that, in addition, facial movements may communicate bewilderment and determination (Leathers & Eaves, 2008). And, to complicate matters just a bit, biological researchers, from an analysis of the 42 facial muscles and their expressions, argue that there are four basic emotions (anger, fear, happi- ness, and sadness) and that other emotions are combinations of these four (Jack, Garrod, & Schyns, 2014; Dean, 2014a).

Of course, some emotions are easier to commu- nicate and to decode than others. For example, in one study, happiness was judged with an accuracy ranging from 55 percent to 100 percent, surprise from 38 percent to 86 percent, and sadness from 19 percent to 88 percent (Ekman, Friesen, & Ellsworth, 1972). Research finds that women and girls are more accurate judges of facial emotional expression than are men and boys (Argyle, 1988; Hall, 1984).

As you’ve probably experienced, you may interpret the same facial expression dif- ferently depending on the context in which it occurs. For example, in a classic study, when a smiling face was presented looking at a glum face, the smiling face was judged to be vicious and taunting. But when the same smiling face was presented looking at a frowning face, it was judged peaceful and friendly (Cline, 1956).

The Smile The smile is likely to be the first thing you think about when focusing on facial communication. Because it is largely a social behavior, the smile is important in just about any relationship you can imagine. Although you may smile when spotting a cute photo or joke you read even when alone, most smiling occurs in response to social situations. Most often you smile at other people rather than at yourself (Andersen, 2004).

Nonverbal communication researchers distinguish between two kinds of smiles: the real and the fake. The real smile, known as the Duchenne smile, is genuine; it’s an unconscious movement that accurately reflects your feelings at the time. It is a smile that spreads across your face in about one-half second. The fake smile, on the other hand, is conscious. It takes about one-tenth of a second to spread across the face (Dean, 2011b). Distinguishing between these two is crucial in a wide variety of situations. For exam- ple, you distinguish between these smiles when you make judgments about whether someone is genuinely pleased at your good fortune or is really jealous. You distinguish between these smiles when you infer that the person really likes you or is just being polite. In each of these cases, you’re making judgments about whether someone is lying; you’re engaging in deception detection. Not surprisingly, then, Duchenne smiles are responded to positively and fake smiles—especially if they are obvious—are responded to negatively. Computer programs for facial recognition are becoming more and more proficient. For example, one recent study reported in Science Digest.com found that smiles of delight and smiles of aggravation were distinguished by the computer, whereas human observation was unable to detect the difference (Hogue, McDuff, & Picard, 2012).

People who smile are judged to be more likable and more approachable than people who don’t smile or people who pretend to smile (Gladstone & Parker, 2002; Kluger, 2005; Woodzicka & LaFrance, 2005). Profile photos in which the person smiled (and showed teeth) were much more highly valued than any other expressions. Fifty-four percent of the photos judged the hottest showed the person smiling with teeth; the percentage drops to 13 for smiles without teeth (Roper, 2014). And women perceive men who are smiled at by other women as being more attractive than men who are not smiled at. But men—perhaps being more competitive—perceive men whom women

VIEWPOINTS Stereotypes

Do the men and women you know conform to the stereotypes that claim males are more concerned with physicality and females more concerned with personality? How closely do your attitudes and behavior conform to this stereotype?

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smile at as being less attractive than men who are not smiled at (Jones, DeBruine, Little, Burriss, & Feinberg, 2007).

Smiling is usually an expression of enjoyment and pleasure; it’s a happy reaction and seems to be responded to positively in almost all situations. One study, for example, found that participants rated people who smile as more likeable and more approachable than people who don’t smile or who only pretend to smile (Gladstone & Parker, 2002). In another study, men and women signaled that they wanted to hitchhike (this study was done in France, where it’s legal and common to hitchhike) to some 800 motorists. Motorists stopped more often for the smiling women than for those who didn’t smile. Smiling had no effect on whether

motorists would stop for men (Guéguen & Fischer-Lokou, 2004). Smiling female serv- ers earned more tips than those who didn’t smile (Tidd & Lockard, 1978; Dean 2011b). Research also shows that women in a bar or club are seen as more attractive and are approached by men more when they smile. Oddly enough that doesn’t work for men; smiling men are not seen as more attractive (Dean, 2011b; Tracy & Beall, 2011; Walsh & Hewitt, 1985).

Women smile significantly more than men—regardless of whether women are talk- ing with women or men (Hall, 1984; Helgeson, 2009). This is a difference that can even be observed in very young girls and boys.

Facial Management As you learned the nonverbal system of communication, you also learned certain facial management techniques that enable you to communicate your feelings to achieve the effect you want—for example, to hide certain emotions and to emphasize others.

VIEWPOINTS Smiling and Trust

Research finds that people trust those who smile more than they trust those who don’t smile (Mehl, et al. 2007; Dean, 2011b). People who smile are also rated higher on generosity. Are these findings consistent with your own experiences? What reasons can you advance to account for these findings?

Consider your own use of such facial management techniques. As you do so, think about the types of interpersonal situations in which you would use each of these facial management techniques (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989; Metts & Planalp, 2002). Would you:

• intensify to exaggerate your surprise when friends throw you a party to make your friends feel better? Yes/No

• deintensify to cover up your own joy in the presence of a friend who didn’t receive such good news? Yes/No

• neutralize to cover up your sadness to keep from depressing others? Yes/No • mask to express happiness in order to cover up your disappointment at not receiving the

gift you expected? Yes/No • simulate to express an emotion you don’t feel? Yes/No

These facial management techniques help you display emotions in socially acceptable ways. For example, when someone gets bad news in which you may secretly take plea- sure, the display rule dictates that you frown and otherwise signal your sorrow nonverbally. If you place first in a race and your best friend barely finishes, the display rule requires that you minimize your expression of pleasure in winning and avoid any signs of gloating. If you violate these display rules, you’ll be judged as insensitive. Although facial management tech- niques may be deceptive, they’re also expected—and, in fact, required—by the rules of polite interaction.

Facial Feedback The facial feedback hypothesis holds that your facial expressions influence your physiological arousal (Lanzetta, Cartwright-Smith, & Kleck, 1976; Zuck- erman, Klorman, Larrance, & Spiegel, 1981). For example, in one study, participants

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held a pen in their teeth simulating a sad expression and then rated a series of photo- graphs. Results showed that mimicking sad expressions actually increased the degree of sadness the subjects reported feeling when viewing the photographs (Larsen, Kasimatis, & Frey, 1992).

Generally, research finds that facial expressions can produce or heighten feelings of sadness, fear, disgust, and anger. But this effect does not occur with all emotions; smiling, for example, won’t make you feel happier. And if you’re feeling sad, smiling is not likely to replace your sadness with happiness. A reasonable conclusion seems to be that your facial expressions can influence some feelings but not all of them (Burgoon & Bacue, 2003).

Culture and Facial Communication The wide variations in facial communication that we observe in different cultures seem to reflect which reactions are publicly permissible rather than a fundamental difference in the way emotions are facially expressed. In one study, for example, Japanese and American students watched a film of a surgical opera- tion (Ekman, 1985). The students were video-recorded both during an interview about the film and alone while watching the film. When alone, the students showed very similar reactions, but in the interview, the American students displayed facial expres- sions indicating displeasure, whereas the Japanese students did not show any great emotion. Similarly, it’s considered “forward” or inappropriate for Japanese women to reveal broad smiles, so many Japanese women hide their smile, sometimes with their hands (Ma, 1996). Women in the United States, on the other hand, have no such restric- tions and so are more likely to smile openly. Thus, the difference may not be in the way different cultures express emotions but rather in the society’s cultural display rules, or rules about the appropriate display of emotions in public (Aune, 2005; Matsumoto, 1991). For example, the well-documented finding that women smile more than men is likely due, at least in part, to display rules that allow women to smile more than men (Hall, 2006).

Eye Communication Oculesics is the study of the messages communicated by the eyes, which vary depend- ing on the duration, direction, and quality of the eye behavior. For example, in every culture there are rather strict, though unstated, rules for the proper duration for eye contact. In much of England and the United States, for example, the average length of gaze is 2.95 seconds. The average length of mutual gaze (two persons gazing at each other) is 1.18 seconds (Argyle, 1988; Argyle & Ingham, 1972). When the duration of eye contact is shorter than 1.18 seconds, you may think the person is uninterested, shy, or preoccupied. When the appropriate amount of time is exceeded, you may perceive this as showing high interest.

In much of the United States, direct eye contact is considered an expression of honesty and forthrightness. But the Japanese often view eye contact as a lack of respect. The Japanese glance at the other person’s face rarely and then only for very short periods (Axtell, 2007). In many Hispanic cultures, direct eye contact sig- nifies a certain equality and so should be avoided by, say, children when speaking to a person in authority. Try visualizing the potential misunderstandings that eye communication alone could create when people from Tokyo, San Francisco, and San Juan try to communicate.

The direction of the eye also communicates. Generally, in communicating with another person, you glance alternatively at the other person’s face, then away, then again at the face, and so on. When these directional rules are broken, different meanings are communicated—abnormally high or low interest, self-consciousness, nervousness over the interaction, and so on. The quality of the gaze—how wide or how narrow your eyes get during interaction—also communicates meaning, especially interest level and emotions such as surprise, fear, and disgust.

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Eye Contact You use eye contact to serve several important functions (Knapp, Hall, & Horgan, 2014; Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012):

• To monitor feedback When you talk with others, you look at them and try to under- stand their reactions to what you’re saying. You try to read their feedback, and on this basis, you adjust what you say. As you can imagine, successful readings of feedback help considerably in your overall effectiveness when it comes to communication.

• To secure attention When you speak with two or three other people, you maintain eye contact to secure the attention and interest of your listeners. When someone fails to pay you the attention you want, you probably increase your eye contact, hoping that this will increase attention. When online dating profile photos were analyzed, those women who made eye contact with the camera received signifi- cantly more responses than did those who looked away. Men, on the other hand, did better when they looked away from the camera (Dean, 2010b).

• To regulate the conversation Eye contact helps you regulate, manage, and control the conversation. With eye movements, you can inform the other person that she or he should speak. A clear example of this occurs in the college classroom, where the instructor asks a question and then locks eyes with a student. This type of eye contact tells the student to answer the question.

• To signal the nature of the relationship Eye communication can also serve as a tie sign or signal of the nature of the relationship between two people—for example, to indicate positive or negative regard. Depending on the culture, eye contact may communicate your romantic interest in another person, or eye avoidance may indi- cate respect. Some researchers note that eye contact serves to enable gay men and lesbians to signal their orientation and perhaps their interest in someone—an ability referred to as “gaydar” (Nicholas, 2004).

• To signal status Eye contact is often used to signal status and aggression. Among many younger people, prolonged eye contact from a stranger is taken to signify aggressiveness and frequently prompts physical violence—merely because one person looked perhaps a little longer than was considered normal in that specific culture (Matsumoto, 1996).

• To compensate for physical distance Eye contact is often used to compensate for increased physical distance. By making eye contact, you overcome, psychologically, the physical distance between yourself and another person. When you catch some- one’s eye at a party, for example, you become psychologically closer even though you may be separated by considerable physical distance.

Eye Avoidance The eyes, sociologist Erving Goffman observed in Interaction Ritual (1967), are “great intruders.” When you avoid eye contact or avert your glance, you allow others to maintain their privacy. You probably do this when you see a couple arguing in the street or on a bus. You turn your eyes away, as if to say, “I don’t mean to intrude; I respect your privacy,” a type of behavior called civil inattention (Goffman, 1967).

Eye avoidance can also signal lack of interest—in a person, a conversation, or some visual stimulus. At times, like the ostrich, we hide our eyes to try to cut off unpleasant stimuli. Notice, for example, how quickly people close their eyes in the face of some extreme unpleasantness. Even if the unpleasantness is auditory, we tend to shut it out by closing our eyes. At other times, we close our eyes to block out visual stimuli and thus to heighten our other senses; for example, we often listen to music with our eyes closed. Lovers often close their eyes while kissing, and many prefer to make love in a dark or dimly lit room.

The research and theory discussed above is, of course, based on people without visual impairment. People vary greatly in their visual abilities: some are totally blind, some are partially sighted, and some have unimpaired vision. Ninety percent of people who are “legally blind” have some vision. All people, however, have the same need for

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If you’re the person without visual impairment and are talking with a visually impaired person:

Generally Specifically Identify yourself. Don’t assume the visually impaired person recog-

nizes your voice.

Face your listener; you’ll be easier to hear. Don’t shout. Most people who are visually impaired are not hearing impaired. Speak at your normal volume.

Encode into speech all the meanings you wish to communicate.

Remember that your gestures, eye movements, and facial expressions cannot be seen by the visually impaired.

Use audible turn-taking cues. When you pass the role of speaker to a person who is visually impaired, don’t rely on nonverbal cues; instead, say something like “Do you agree with that, Joe?”

Use normal vocabulary and discuss topics that you would discuss with sighted people.

Don’t avoid terms like see or look or even blind. Don’t avoid discussing a television show or the way your new car looks; these are normal topics for all people.

If you are a person with visual impairment and are talking with a person without visual impairment:

Help the sighted person meet your special com- munication needs.

If you want your surroundings described, ask. If you want the person to read the road signs, ask.

Be patient with the sighted person. Many people are nervous talking with people who are visually impaired for fear of offending. Put them at ease in a way that also makes you more comfortable.

Demonstrate your comfort. When appropriate, let the other person know that you’re comfortable with the interaction, verbally or nonverbally.

SOURCE: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of sources, including the websites of the Cincinnati Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired, the Association for the Blind of WA, the National Federation of the Blind, and the American Foundation for the Blind, all accessed February 23, 2017.

Table 5.4 Interpersonal Communication between People with and People without Visual Impairments

communication and information. Here are some tips for making communication bet- ter between those who have visual impairments and those without such difficulties. Table 5.4 addresses this imbalance and identifies some suggestions for communicating between people with and people without visual impairment.

Pupil Dilation In the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, Italian women used to put drops of belladonna (which literally means “beautiful woman”) into their eyes to enlarge the pupils so that they would look more attractive. Research in the field of pupillometrics supports the intuitive logic of these women: dilated pupils are in fact judged more attractive than constricted ones (Hess, 1975; Marshall, 1983).

In one study, for example, photographs of women were retouched (Hess, 1975). In one set of photographs the pupils were enlarged, and in the other they were made smaller. Men were then asked to judge the women’s personalities from the photographs. The photos of women with small pupils drew responses such as cold, hard, and selfish; those with dilated pupils drew responses such as feminine and soft. However, the male observers could not verbalize the reasons for the different perceptions. Both pupil dila- tion itself and people’s reactions to changes in the pupil size of others seem to function below the level of conscious awareness.

Pupil size also reveals your interest and level of emotional arousal. Your pupils enlarge when you’re interested in something or when you’re emotionally aroused. In one study, gay men and heterosexuals were shown pictures of nude bodies; the gay men’s pupils dilated more when viewing same-sex bodies, whereas the heterosexuals’

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pupils dilated more when viewing opposite-sex bodies (Hess, Seltzer, & Schlien, 1965). These pupillary responses are unconscious and are even observed in persons with profound mental retar- dation (Chaney, Givens, Aoki, & Gombiner, 1989). Perhaps we find dilated pupils more attractive because we judge them as indicative of a person’s interest in us. That may be why models, Beanie Babies, and Teletubbies, for example, have excep- tionally large pupils.

Although belladonna is no longer used, the cosmetics industry has made millions selling eye enhancers—eye shadow, eyeliner, false eyelashes, and tinted contact lenses that change eye color. These items function (ideally, at least) to draw attention to these most powerful communicators.

Culture and Eye Communication Eye messages vary with both culture and gen- der. Americans, for example, consider direct eye contact an expression of honesty and forthrightness, but the Japanese often view this as showing a lack of respect. A Japanese person will glance at the other person’s face rarely, and then only for very short periods (Axtell, 2007). Interpreting another’s eye contact messages according to your own cul- tural rules is a risky undertaking; eye movements that you may interpret as insulting may have been intended to show respect.

Women make eye contact more and maintain it longer (both in speaking and in lis- tening) than do men. This holds true whether women are interacting with other women or with men. This difference in eye behavior may result from women’s greater tendency to display their emotions (Wood, 1994). When women interact with other women, they display affiliative and supportive eye contact, whereas when men interact with other men, they avert their gaze (Gamble & Gamble, 2003).

Cultural differences also exist in the ways people decode the meanings of facial expressions. For example, American and Japanese students judged the meaning of a smiling and a neutral facial expression. The Americans rated the smiling face as more attractive, more intelligent, and more sociable than the neutral face. In contrast, the Japanese rated the smiling face as more sociable but not as more attractive—and they rated the neutral face as more intelligent (Matsumoto & Kudoh, 1993).

Touch Communication Tactile communication, or communication by touch, also referred to as haptics, is per- haps the most primitive form of communication. Developmentally, touch is probably the first sense to be used; even in the womb, the child is stimulated by touch. Soon after birth, the infant is fondled, caressed, patted, and stroked. In turn, the child explores its world through touch. In a very short time, the child learns to communicate a wide variety of meanings through touch. Not surprisingly, touch also varies with your rela- tionship stage. In the early stages of a relationship, you touch little; in intermediate stages (involvement and intimacy), you touch a great deal; and at stable or deteriorating stages, you again touch little (Guerrero & Andersen, 1991).

The Meanings of Touch Touch may communicate at least five major meanings (Jones, 2005; Jones & Yarbrough, 1985):

• Emotions Touch often communicates emotions, mainly between intimates or oth- ers who have a relatively close relationship. Among the most important of these positive emotions are support, appreciation, inclusion, sexual interest or intent, and affection. Additional research found that touch communicated positive feelings

VIEWPOINTS Gender Differences

Research on nonverbal gender differences (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010; Gamble & Gamble, 2014; Guerrero & Hecht, 2008; Krolkke & Sørensen, 2006; Stewart, Cooper, & Stewart, 2003) finds that: (1) women smile more than men; (2) women stand closer to each other than do men and are generally approached more closely than men; (3) women (and also men), when speaking, look at men more than at women; (4) women both touch and are touched more than men; (5) men extend their bodies more, taking up greater areas of space, than do women. Examine the photos on one of your social media sites. Can you see these differences in the photos?

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such as composure, immediacy, trust, similarity and equality, and informality ( Burgoon, 1991). In one study, people were able to identify emotions such as fear, disgust, anger, sympathy, love, and gratitude from a simple touch on the forearm, even when the person doing the touching could not be seen (Dean, 2011a; Herten- stein et al., 2009). Touch also has been found to facilitate self-disclosure (Rabinowitz, 1991). And, not surprisingly, those who touch are perceived more positively (more sincere, honest, and friendly) than those who don’t touch (Erceau & Gueguen, 2007).

• Playfulness Touch often communicates a desire to play, either affectionately or aggressively. When touch is used in this manner, the playfulness deemphasizes the emotion and tells the other person that it’s not to be taken seriously. Playful touches lighten an interaction.

• Control Touch also may seek to control the behaviors, attitudes, or feelings of the other person. Such control may communicate various different kinds of messages. To ask for compliance, for example, we touch the other person to communicate, “Move over,” “Hurry,” “Stay here,” or “Do it.” In one study people were asked to complete a questionnaire; those who were touched twice on the upper arm com- plied more than did those who were touched once who, in turn, complied more than those who weren’t touched at all (Willis & Hamm, 1980; Vaidis & Hamimi- Falkowicz, 2008; Dean, 2011a). Touching to control may also communicate status and dominance (DiBaise & Gunnoe, 2004; Henley, 1977). The higher-status and dominant person, for example, initiates touch. In fact, it would be a breach of eti- quette for the lower-status person to touch the person of higher status.

• Ritual Much touching centers on performing rituals, for example, in greetings and departures. Shaking hands to say hello or goodbye is perhaps the clearest example of ritualistic touching, but we might also hug, kiss, or put an arm around another’s shoulder.

• Task-related Touching is often associated with the performance of a function, such as removing a speck of dust from another person’s face, helping someone out of a car, or checking someone’s forehead for fever. Task-related touching seems generally to be regarded positively. In studies on the subject, for example, book borrowers had a more positive attitude toward the library and the librarian when touched lightly, and customers gave larger tips when lightly touched by the waitress (Marsh, 1988). Similarly, diners who were touched on the shoulder or hand when being given their change in a restaurant tipped more than diners who were not touched (Crusco & Wetzel, 1984; Guéguen & Jacob, 2004; Stephen & Zweigenhaft, 1986).

As you can imagine, touching can also get you into trouble. For example, touching that is too intimate too early in a relationship may send the wrong signals. Similarly, playing too roughly or holding someone’s arm to control their movements may be resented. Using ritualistic touching incorrectly or in ways that may be culturally insen- sitive may likewise get you into difficulty.

Touch Avoidance Much as we have a need and desire to touch and be touched by others, we also have a tendency to avoid touch from certain people or in certain circum- stances (Andersen, 2004; Andersen & Leibowitz, 1978). Among the important findings is that touch avoidance is positively related to communication apprehension, or fear or anxiety about communicating: people who fear oral communication also score high on touch avoidance. Touch avoidance is also high among those who self-disclose little; touch and self-disclosure are intimate forms of communication, and people who are reluctant to get close to another person by self-disclosure also seem reluctant to get close through touch.

Older people have higher touch avoidance scores for opposite-sex persons than do younger people. Apparently, as we get older, we are touched less by members of the oppo- site sex, and this decreased frequency of touching may lead us to avoid touching. Males

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score higher than females on same-sex touch avoidance. This accords well with our stereotypes: men avoid touching other men, but women may and do touch other women. Women, it is found, have higher touch avoidance scores for opposite-sex touching than do men.

Culture and Touch The several functions and examples of touch- ing discussed earlier in this chapter were based on studies in North America; in other cultures, these functions are not served in the same way. In some cultures, for example, some task-related touch- ing is viewed negatively and is to be avoided. Among Koreans it is considered disrespectful for a store owner to touch a customer in, say, handing back change; it is considered too intimate a gesture. A member of another culture who is used to such touching may consider the Korean’s behavior cold and aloof. Muslim children are socialized not to touch members of the opposite sex; their behavior can easily be interpreted as unfriendly by American children who are used to touching one another (Dresser, 2005).

Some cultures—including many in southern Europe and the Middle East—are contact cultures; others are noncontact cultures,

such as those of northern Europe and Japan. Members of contact cultures maintain close distances, touch one another in conversation, face each other more directly, and main- tain longer and more focused eye contact. Members of noncontact cultures maintain greater distance in their interactions, touch each other rarely (if at all), avoid facing each other directly, and maintain much less direct eye contact. As a result of these differences, problems may occur. For example, northern Europeans and Japanese may be perceived as cold, distant, and uninvolved by southern Europeans—who may in turn be perceived as pushy, aggressive, and inappropriately intimate.

Paralanguage Paralanguage is the vocal but nonverbal dimension of speech. It has to do with the man- ner in which you say something rather than with what you say. An old exercise used to increase a student’s ability to express different emotions, feelings, and attitudes was to have the student say the following sentence while accenting or stressing different words: “Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?” (This sentence, by the way, comes from Greek mythology where Helen of Troy, considered the most beautiful of all women, was abducted by Paris [some accounts say they eloped] and began the ten-year Trojan War and the “launching of a thousand ships.”) Significant differences in meaning are easily communicated, depending on where the stress is placed.

Consider, for example, the following variations; try to paraphrase each of these questions, giving special attention and emphasis to the italicized word:

1. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?

Out of all the possible faces, are you sure that this face is the one that started the war? It might be a way of implying that she’s not that beautiful.

2. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?

Was it really her face that started this war? It might be a way of saying that there had to be other reasons.

3. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?

Were there really a thousand ships? It might be a way of questioning the number of ships.

Each of these three sentences communicates something different. Each, in fact, asks a totally different question, even though the words used are identical. All that distin- guishes the sentences is variation in stress, one of the aspects of paralanguage.

You have to address a group of people who can understand your language but are not completely flu- ent in it. Which nonverbal messaging techniques will you follow to win their trust?

a. Smile at them throughout the talk.

b. Look directly at them while you speak.

c. Use deliberate hand movements that show your open palms.

d. Focus on speaking slowly so that they understand you better.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Nonverbal Messaging

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In addition to stress, paralanguage includes vocal characteristics such as rate and volume. Paralanguage also includes the vocalizations that we make when laughing, yelling, moaning, whining, and belching; vocal segregates—sound combinations that aren’t words—such as “uh-uh” and “shh”; and pitch, the highness or lowness of vocal tone (Argyle, 1988; Trager, 1958, 1961).

Paralanguage and People Perception When listening to people—regardless of what they’re saying—we form impressions based on their paralanguage about what kind of people they are. It does seem that certain voices are symptomatic of certain personal- ity types or problems and, specifically, that the personality orientation gives rise to the vocal qualities. Our impressions of others from paralanguage cues span a broad range and consist of physical impressions (perhaps about body type and certainly about gen- der and age), personality impressions (they sound shy, they appear aggressive), and evaluative impressions (they sound like good people, they sound evil and menacing, they have vicious laughs). And men are found to be more attracted to women who vary their paralanguage to make their voice sound sexier, though it doesn’t work the other way around: women do not find men who try to make their voice sound sexier more attractive (Hughes, Mogilski, & Harrison, 2014; Dean, 2016a).

One of the most interesting findings on voice and personal characteristics is that listen- ers can accurately judge the socioeconomic status (high, middle, or low) of speakers after hearing a 60-second voice sample. In fact, many listeners reported that they made their judgments in less than 15 seconds. It has also been found that the speakers judged to be of high status were rated as being of higher credibility than those rated of middle or low status.

It’s interesting to note that listeners agree with one another about the personality of the speaker even when their judgments are in error. Listeners have similar stereotyped ideas about the way vocal characteristics and personality characteristics are related, and they use these stereotypes in their judgments.

Paralanguage and Persuasion The rate of speech is the aspect of paralanguage that has received the most research attention—because speech rate is related to persuasive- ness. Therefore, it’s of interest to the advertiser, the politician, and anyone else who wants to convey information or to influence others orally—especially when time is limited or expensive. The research on rate of speech shows that in one-way commu- nication situations, persons who talk fast are more persuasive and are evaluated more highly than those who talk at or below normal speeds (MacLachlan, 1979). This greater persuasiveness and higher regard holds true whether the person talks fast naturally or the speech is sped up electronically (as in time-compressed speech).

In one experiment, subjects were asked to listen to recorded messages and then to indicate both the degree to which they agreed with the message and their opinions about how intelligent and objective they thought the speaker was (MacLachlan, 1979). Rates of 111, 140 (the average rate), and 191 words per minute were used. Subjects agreed most with the fastest speech and least with the slowest speech. Further, they rated the fastest speaker as the most intelligent and objective, and the slowest speaker as the least intelligent and objective. Even in experiments in which the speaker was known to have something to gain personally from persuasion (as would, say, a sales- person), the speaker who spoke at the fastest rate was the most persuasive. Research also finds that faster speech rates increase listeners’ perceptions of speaker competence and dominance (Buller, LePoire, Aune, & Eloy, 1992).

Although generally research finds that a faster than normal speech rate lowers listener comprehension, a rapid rate may still have the advantage in communicating information (Jones, Berry, & Stevens, 2007; MacLachlan, 1979). For example, people who listened to speeches at 201 words per minute (140 is average) comprehended 95 percent of the message, and those who listened to speeches at 282 words per minute (that is, double the normal rate) comprehended 90 percent. Even though the rates increased dra- matically, the comprehension rates fell only slightly. These 5 percent and 10 percent losses

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are more than offset by the increased speed and thus make the faster rates much more efficient in communicating information. If the speech speeds are increased more than 100 percent, however, listener comprehension falls dramatically. But, with small children, a rate slower than normal, is more effective in learning difficult or new tasks (Haake, Hans- son, Gulz, Schötz, Sahlén, 2013). A slower rate would also likely make comprehension easier for those new to a language or those who have some cognitive impairment.

Culture and Paralanguage Cultural differences also need to be taken into consid- eration when we evaluate the results of the studies on speech rate because different cultures view speech rate differently. For example, investigators found that Korean male speakers who spoke rapidly were given unfavorable credibility ratings, unlike Americans who spoke rapidly (Lee & Boster, 1992). Researchers have suggested that in individualist societies, a rapid-rate speaker is seen as more competent than a slow-rate speaker, whereas in collectivist cultures, a speaker who uses a slower rate is judged more competent.

Silence “Speech,” wrote Thomas Mann, “is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradic- tory word, preserves contact; it’s silence which isolates.” But philosopher Max Picard noted that “silence is nothing merely negative; it’s not the mere absence of speech. It’s a positive, a complete world in itself.” The one thing on which these two contradictory observations agree is that silence communicates. Your silence communicates just as intensely as any- thing you verbalize (Jaworski, 1993; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012).

The Functions of Silence Like words and gestures, silence serves several important communication functions:

• To provide time to think Silence allows you time to think, time to formulate and organize your verbal communications.

• To hurt Some people use silence as a weapon to hurt others. We often speak of giving someone the silent treatment. After a conflict, for example, one or both indi- viduals may remain silent as a kind of punishment.

Remaining silent is at times your right. For example, you have the right to remain silent to avoid incriminating yourself. You have a right to protect your privacy—to withhold information that has no bearing on the matter at hand. For example, your previous relationship history, affectional orientation, or religion is usually irrelevant to your ability to function in a job and thus may be kept private in most job-related situations. On the other hand, these issues may be relevant when, for example, you’re about to enter a more intimate phase of a relationship; then there may be an obligation to reveal information about yourself that ethically could have been kept hidden at earlier relationship stages.

You do not have the right to remain silent and to refuse to reveal information about crimes you’ve seen others commit. However, psychiatrists, clergy members, and lawyers—fortunately or unfortunately—are often exempt from the requirement to reveal information about criminal activities when the information had been gained through privileged communication with clients.

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Interpersonal Silence

Ethical Choice Point Pat is HIV positive and engages only in safe sex. Does Pat have an obligation to reveal the HIV status to any potential sexual partner? Does this obligation change if Pat is in a long-term relationship? At what point in a relationship does Pat incur an obligation to reveal this HIV status (if at all)?

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• To respond to personal anxiety Sometimes silence is used as a response to personal anx- iety, shyness, or threats. You may feel anx- ious or shy among new people and prefer to remain silent.

• To prevent communication Silence may be used to prevent communication of certain messages. In conflict situations, silence is sometimes used to prevent certain topics from surfacing or to prevent one or both par- ties from saying things they may later regret.

• To communicate emotions Like the eyes, face, or hands, silence can also be used to communicate emotions (Ehrenhaus, 1988; Lane, Koetting, & Bishop, 2002). Sometimes silence communicates a determination to be uncooperative or defiant; by refusing to engage in verbal communication, you defy the authority or the legitimacy of the other person’s position.

• To achieve specific effects Silence may also be used strategically, to achieve spe- cific effects. The pause before making what you feel is an important comment or after hearing about some mishap may be strategically positioned to communicate a desired impression—to make your idea stand out among others or perhaps to give others the impression that you care a lot more than you really do. Generally, research finds that people use silence strategically more with strangers than they do with close friends (Hasegawa & Gudykunst, 1998).

The Spiral of Silence The spiral of silence theory offers a somewhat different per- spective on silence. When this theory (originally developed to explain the media’s influ- ence on opinion) is applied to the interpersonal context, it argues that you’re more likely to voice agreement than disagreement (Noelle-Neumann, 1973, 1980, 1991; Scheufele & Moy, 2000; Severin & Tankard, 2001). The theory claims that when a controversial issue arises, you estimate the opinions of others and figure out which views are popular and which are not. In face-to-face conversations—say, with a group of five or six people— you’d have to guess about their opinions or wait until they’re voiced. In social media communication, on the other hand, you’re often provided statistics on opinions that eliminate the guesswork. You also estimate the rewards and the punishments you’d likely get from expressing popular or unpopular positions. You then use these estimates to determine which opinions you’ll express and which you won’t. Some research on the spiral of silence theory, applied to online communication, indicates that people support issues held by the minority in the offline world but not issues held by the minority in the online community (Yun & Park, 2011).

Generally, you’re more likely to voice your opinions when you agree with the major- ity than when you disagree. And there’s evidence to show that this effect is stronger for minority group members (Bowen & Blackmon, 2003). You may do this to avoid being iso- lated from the majority or for fear of being proved wrong or being disliked, for example. Or you may simply assume that the majority, because they’re a majority, must be right.

As people with minority views remain silent, the majority position gets stronger (because those who agree with it are the only ones speaking); as the majority position becomes stronger and the minority position becomes weaker, the situation becomes an ever-widening spiral. The Internet (blogs and social network sites, especially) may in some ways act as a counteragent to the spiral of silence because Internet discussions provide so many free ways for you to express minority opinions (anony- mously if you wish) and to find like-minded others quickly (McDevitt, Kiousis, & Wahl-Jorgensen, 2003).

VIEWPOINTS Nonverbal Communication and Ethics

In addition to silence, other dimensions of nonverbal communication appear to be related to ethics. For example, there is some evidence to show that people are more ethical in the morning than in the afternoon or evening. People are less apt to lie or cheat early in the day than they are later in the day (Kouchakil & Smith, 2013). And people are more apt to lie or cheat when they are sitting in chairs that allow for expansion and are more moral when seated in chairs that are more restrictive (Yap et al., 2013). What other dimensions of nonverbal communication might have ethical implications?

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Culture and Silence Not all cultures view silence as functioning in the same way (Vainiomaki, 2004). In the United States, for example, people often interpret silence neg- atively. At a business meeting or even in an informal social group, others may wonder if the silent member is not listening, has nothing interesting to add, doesn’t understand the issues, is insensitive, or is too self-absorbed to focus on the messages of others.

Other cultures, however, view silence more positively. In many situations in Japan, for example, silence is a response that is considered more appropriate than speech (Haga, 1988). And in the United States, the traditional Apache regard silence very dif- ferently than do European Americans (Basso, 1972). Among the Apache, mutual friends do not feel the need to introduce strangers who may be working in the same area or on the same project. The strangers may remain silent for several days. This period enables people to observe one another and to come to a judgment about the other individuals. Once this assessment is made, the individuals talk. When courting, especially during the initial stages, Apache couples remain silent for hours; if they do talk, they generally talk very little. Only after a couple has been dating for several months will they have lengthy conversations.

Spatial Messages and Territoriality Space is an especially important factor in interpersonal communication, although we seldom think about it. Edward T. Hall (1959, 1963, 1966), who pioneered the study of spatial communication, called this area proxemics. We can examine this broad area by looking at proxemic distances, the theories about space, and territoriality.

Proxemic Distances Four proxemic distances, the distances we maintain between each other in our interactions, correspond closely to the major types of relationships. They are intimate, personal, social, and public distances, as depicted in Table 5.5. Note that these four distances can be further divided into close and far phases and that the far phase of one level (say, personal) blends into the close phase of the next level (social). Do your relationships also blend into one another? Or are your personal relationships totally separate from your social relationships?

Intimate Distance In intimate distance, ranging from actual touching to 18 inches, the presence of the other individual is unmistakable. Each person experiences the sound, smell, and feel of the other’s breath. You use intimate distance for lovemaking, comfort- ing, and protecting. This distance is so short that most people do not consider it proper in public.

Relationship Distance Intimate relationship Intimate distance

0                                      18 inches close phase far phase

Personal relationship Personal distance 1 1�2                                      4 feet close phase far phase

Social relationship Social distance 4                                      12 feet close phase far phase

Public relationship Public distance 12                                      25+ feet close phase far phase

Table 5.5 In a Nutshell Relationships and Proxemic Distances

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Personal Distance You carry a protective bubble defining your personal distance, which allows you to stay protected and untouched by others. Personal distance ranges from 18 inches to about 4 feet. In the close phase, people can still hold or grasp each other but only by extending their arms. You can then take into your protective bubble certain individuals—for example, loved ones. In the far phase, you can touch another person only if you both extend your arms. This far phase is the extent to which you can physically place your hands on others; hence, it defines, in one sense, the limits of your physical control over others. At times, you may detect breath odor, but generally at this distance, etiquette demands that you direct your breath to some neutral area.

Social Distance At the social distance, ranging from 4 to 12 feet, you lose the visual detail you had at the personal distance. The close phase is the distance at which you conduct impersonal business or interact at a social gathering. The far phase is the dis- tance at which you stand when someone says, “Stand away so I can look at you.” At this distance, business transactions have a more formal tone than they do when conducted in the close phase. In the offices of high officials, the desks are often positioned so that clients are kept at least this distance away. Unlike the intimate distance, where eye contact is awkward, the far phase of the social distance makes eye contact essential— otherwise, communication is lost. The voice is generally louder than normal at this level. This distance enables you to avoid constant interaction with those with whom you work without seeming rude.

Public Distance Public distance ranges from 12 to more than 25 feet. In the close phase, a person seems protected by space. At this distance, you’re able to take defensive action should you feel threatened. On a public bus or train, for example, you might keep at least this distance from a drunk. Although you lose the fine details of the face and eyes, you’re still close enough to see what is happening.

At the far phase, you see others not as separate individuals but as part of the whole setting. People automatically establish a space of approximately 30 feet around important public figures, and they seem to do this whether or not there are guards preventing their coming closer. The far phase is the distance by which actors on stage are separated from their audience; consequently, their actions and voices have to be somewhat exaggerated.

Theories about Space Researchers studying nonverbal communication have offered numerous explanations about why people maintain the distances they do. Prominent among these explanations are protection theory, equilibrium theory, and expectancy violation theory—rather complex names for simple and interesting concepts.

Protection theory holds that you establish a body buffer zone around yourself as protection against unwanted touching or attack (Dosey & Meisels, 1976). When you feel that you may be attacked, your body buffer zone increases; you want more space around you. For example, if you found yourself in a dangerous neighborhood at night, your body buffer zone would probably expand well beyond what it would be if you were in familiar and safe surroundings. If someone entered this buffer zone, you would probably feel threatened and seek to expand the distance by walking faster or cross- ing the street. In contrast, when you’re feeling secure and protected, your buffer zone becomes much smaller. For example, if you’re with a group of close friends and feel secure, your buffer zone shrinks, and you may welcome close proximity and mutual touching.

Equilibrium theory holds that intimacy and interpersonal distance vary together: the greater the intimacy, the closer the distance; the lower the intimacy, the greater the distance. This theory says that you maintain close distances with those with whom you have close interpersonal relationships and that you maintain greater distances with those with whom you do not have close relationships (Argyle & Dean, 1965; Bailenson, Blascovich, Beall, & Loomis, 2001).

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Expectancy violations theory explains what happens when you increase or decrease the distance between yourself and another in an interpersonal interaction (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). The theory assumes that you have expectancies for the distance people are to maintain in their conversations. When these expectancies are violated, you try to explain to yourself why this violation occurred and it brings into focus the nature of your relationship. Perhaps the most interesting conclusion to emerge from this theory is that the meaning you give to the violation depends on whether you like the person. If you like the person who violated your expectancies by, say, standing too close, you’ll like the person even more as a result of this violation—probably because you’ll interpret this added closeness as an indication that the person likes you. If, on the other hand, you do not like the person, you’ll like the person even less as a result of the violation—perhaps because you’ll interpret this added closeness as threatening or being overly forward.

Territoriality Another type of communication having to do with space is territoriality, the possessive reaction to an area or to particular objects. You interact basically in three types of territories: primary territories or home territories, secondary territories, and public territories (Altman, 1975):

• Primary territories, or home territories, are areas that you might call your own; these areas are your exclusive preserve and might include your room, your desk, or your office.

• Secondary territories are areas that don’t belong to you but that you have occu- pied; thus, you’re associated with them. Secondary territories might include the table in the cafeteria that you regularly eat at, your classroom seat, or your neigh- borhood turf.

• Public territories are areas that are open to all people; they may be owned by some person or organization, but they are used by everyone. Examples include a movie house, a restaurant, or a shopping mall.

When you operate in your own primary territory, you have an interpersonal advan- tage, often called the home field advantage. In their own home or office, people take on a kind of leadership role: they initiate conversations; fill in silences; assume relaxed and comfortable postures; and, in conversations, maintain their positions with greater conviction. Because the territorial owner is dominant, you stand a better chance of get- ting your raise, having your point accepted, or getting a contract resolved in your favor if you’re in your own territory (your office, your home) rather than in someone else’s (your supervisor’s office, for example) (Marsh, 1988).

Like animals, humans mark both their primary and secondary territories to signal ownership. Some people—perhaps because they can’t own territories—use markers to indicate pseudo-ownership or appropriation of someone else’s space or of a public ter- ritory for their own use (Childress, 2004). Graffiti and the markings of gang boundaries come quickly to mind as examples. If you think about your own use of markers, you’ll probably be able to identify three different types of markers: central markers, boundary markers, and ear markers (Goffman, 1971):

• Central markers are items you place in a territory to reserve it for you—for exam- ple, a coffee cup on the table, books on your desk, or a sweater over a library chair.

• Boundary markers set boundaries that divide your territory from that of others. In the supermarket checkout line, the bar that is placed between your groceries and those of the person behind you is a boundary marker, as are fences, the armrests separating chairs in a movie theater, and the contours of the molded plastic seats on a bus.

• Ear markers a term taken from the practice of branding animals on their ears—are identifying marks that indicate your possession of a territory or object. Trademarks, nameplates, and monograms are all examples of ear markers.

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Markers are important in giving you a feeling of belonging. For example, students in college dormitories who marked their rooms by displaying personal items stayed in school longer than did those who didn’t personalize their spaces (Marsh, 1988).

Again, like animals, humans use territory to signal their status. For example, the size and location of your territory (your home or office, say) indicates something about your status. Status is also signaled by the unwritten law granting the right of invasion, or territorial encroachment. Higher-status individuals have a “right” to invade the ter- ritory of lower-status persons, but the reverse is not true. The boss of a large company, for example, can barge into the office of a junior executive, but the reverse would be unthinkable. Similarly, a teacher may invade a student’s personal space by looking over her or his shoulder as the student writes, but the student cannot do the same to the teacher.

At times, you may want to resist the encroachment on your territory. If so, you can react in several ways: withdrawal, turf defense, insulation, and linguistic collusion (Lyman & Scott, 1967; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012):

• In withdrawal you simply leave the scene, whether the country, home, office, or social media site.

• In turf defense you defend the territory against the encroachment. This may mean doing something as simple as saying, “This is my seat,” or you may start a fight, as nations do.

• Insulation involves erecting barriers between yourself and those who would encroach on your territory. Putting up a fence around your property or surround- ing your desk with furniture so that others can’t get close are common examples of insulation.

• Linguistic collusion means speaking in a language or jargon that the “invaders” don’t understand and thus excluding them from your interactions.

Artifactual Communication Artifactual communication consists of messages conveyed by objects that are made by human hands. Thus, aesthetics, color, clothing, jewelry, and hairstyle, as well as scents such as perfume, cologne, or incense, all are considered artifactual. Here are a few examples.

Space Decoration That the decoration or surroundings of a place exert influence on perceptions should be obvious to anyone who has ever entered a hospital, with its sterile walls and furniture, or a museum, with its imposing columns, glass-encased exhibits, and brass plaques.

And, of course, the way you decorate your private spaces communicates something about who you are. The office with a mahogany desk, bookcases, and oriental rugs communicates importance and status within the organization, just as a metal desk and bare floor communicate a status much farther down in the hierarchy. At home, the cost of your furnishings may communicate your status and wealth, and their coordination may communicate your sense of style. The magazines may communicate your interests. The arrangement of chairs around a television may reveal how important watching television is. Bookcases lining the walls reveal the importance of reading. In fact, there is probably little in your home that does not send messages to others and that others do not use for making infer- ences about you. Computers, wide-screen televisions, well- equipped kitchens, and oil paintings of great-grandparents, for example, all say something about the people who own them.

VIEWPOINT Pygmalion Gifting

The “Pygmalion gift” is a gift designed to change the recipient into what the donor wants that person to become. For example, the parent who gives a child books or science equipment may be asking the child to be a scholar or a scientist. What messages have you recently communicated in your gift-giving behavior? What messages do you think others have communicated to you by the gifts they gave you?

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Likewise, the absence of certain items communicates something about you. Consider, for example, what messages you would get from a home in which there was no televi- sion, computer, or books.

People form opinions about your personality on the basis of room decorations. Research, for example, finds that people make judgments about your openness to new experiences (distinctive decorating usually communicates this, as do different types of books and magazines and travel souvenirs) and about your conscientiousness, emo- tional stability, degree of extroversion, and agreeableness. Not surprisingly, bedrooms prove more revealing than offices (Gosling, Ko, Mannarelli, & Morris, 2002).

Color Communication When you’re in debt, you speak of being “in the red”; when you make a profit, you’re “in the black.” When you’re sad, you’re “blue”; when you’re healthy, you’re “in the pink”; when you’re covetous, you’re “green with envy.” To be a coward is to be “yellow,” and to be inexperienced is to be “green.” When you talk a great deal, you talk “a blue streak.” When you’re angry, you “see red.” As revealed through these timeworn clichés, language abounds in color symbolism.

Color communication takes place on many levels. For example, there is some evidence that colors affect us physiologically. Respiratory movements increase in the presence of red light and decrease in the presence of blue light. Similarly, eye blinks increase in frequency when eyes are exposed to red light and decrease when exposed to blue. This seems consistent with our intuitive feelings that blue is more soothing and red more provocative. At the same time, blue light has been found to increase alertness (Rahman, et al., 2014; Dean, 2014b).

Color also seems to influence the expectation of taste sensation (Srivastava & More, 2010). For example, people expect pink pills to be sweeter than red pills, yellow pills to be salty, white and blue pills to be bitter, and orange pills to be sour.

Colors vary greatly in their meanings from one culture to another. To illustrate this cultural variation, Table 5.6) lists some of the many meanings communicated by popular colors in different cultures (Dresser, 2005; Dreyfuss, 1971; Hoft, 1995; Singh & Pereira, 2005). As you read this section, you may want to consider your own meanings for these colors and where your meanings came from.

• Red: In China, red signifies prosperity and rebirth, and is used for festive and joyous occasions. In France and the United Kingdom, red indicates masculinity; in many African countries, blasphemy or death; and in Japan, anger and danger. Red ink, especially among Korean Buddhists, is used only to write a person’s name at the time of death or on the anniversary of the person’s death; this can create problems when American teach- ers use red ink to mark homework.

• Green: In the United States, green signifies capitalism, a signal to go ahead, and envy; in Ireland, patriotism; among some Native Americans, femininity; to the Egyptians, fertility and strength; to the Japanese, youth and energy.

• Black: In Thailand, black signifies old age; in parts of Malaysia, courage; in much of Europe, death.

• White: In Thailand, white signifies purity; in many Muslim and Hindu cultures, purity and peace; in Japan and other Asian countries, death and mourning.

• Blue: In Iran, blue signifies something negative; in Ghana, joy; for the Cherokee, it signi- fies defeat; in Egypt, virtue and truth; in Greece, national pride.

• Yellow: In China, yellow signifies wealth and authority; in the United States, caution and cowardice; in Egypt, happiness and prosperity; in many countries throughout the world, femininity.

• Purple: In Latin America, purple signifies death; in Europe, royalty; in Egypt, virtue and faith; in Japan, grace and nobility; in China, barbarism; in the United States, nobility and bravery.

Table 5.6 Color and Meaning across Cultures

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And, of course, colors are often associated with gender, beginning with pink for baby girls and blue for baby boys in the United States. Even as adults, women are allowed great choice in clothing color. Men, on the other hand, have a more restricted palette from which to choose.

Clothing and Jewelry Clothing serves a variety of functions. It protects you from the weather and, in sports like football, from injury. It helps you conceal parts of your body and so serves a modesty function. In the business world, it may communicate your position within the hierarchy and your willingness and desire to conform to the clothing norms of the organization. It may also communicate your professionalism, which seems to be the reason why some organizations favor dress codes (Smith, M. H., 2003). Clothing also serves as a form of cultural display (Morris, 2002). It communicates your cultural and subcultural affiliations. In the United States, where there are so many different ethnic groups, you regularly see examples of dress that indicate what country the wearers are from.

Today, wearable technology has added a new dimension of the messages clothing communicates. Google glasses, watches that function as computers, and cameras built into ties or jewelry are among the “clothing” that communicates something about who you are and, perhaps, where you’re going.

The very poor and the very rich don’t dress in the same way, nor do white- and blue-collar workers or the young and the old (Lurie, 1983). People dress, in part at least, to identify with the groups of which they are or want to be members. At the same time, they dress to manage the impressions they give to others (Frith & Gleeson, 2004; Keat- ing, 2006). For example, you’re likely to dress conservatively if you’re interviewing for a job at a conservative firm, to indicate that you share the values of the firm of which you want to be a part. On the other hand, you’d dress very differently if you are going clubbing at one of the trendy hot spots.

You probably make judgments about your college instructors on the basis of the way they dress, especially on the first day. In one study, college students perceived an instructor dressed informally as friendly, fair, enthusiastic, and flexible, and the same instructor dressed formally as prepared, knowledgeable, and organized (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989). Perceptions naturally vary with the fashions of the time and the expectations of what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate. Today, with websites such as Rate My Professor, students may come into the class with a pretty firm picture of the instructor, and clothing is likely to prove less important.

Clothing also seems to influence your own behavior and the behavior of groups. For example, it has been argued that people who dress casually act more informally (Morand, 1995). Therefore, meetings with such casually dressed people are more likely to involve a freer exchange of thoughts and ideas, which in turn may stimulate creativity. This casual attire seems to work well in companies that must rely heavily on creative development, such as computer software companies. And many technology companies, like Google, Yahoo!, and Apple, encourage a more informal, casual style of dress. But banks and insurance companies, which traditionally have resisted change, may prefer more formal attire that creates distance between workers as well as between employees and customers.

Your jewelry, too, communicates messages about you. Wedding and engagement rings are obvious examples of jewelry designed to communicate very specific messages. College rings and political buttons also communicate specific information. If you wear a Rolex watch or large precious stones, others are likely to infer that you’re rich. Men with earrings will be judged differently from men without earrings. And the number and type of buttons you display on your Facebook page also communicate something about you, your sense of humor, your passions, and your values.

Tattoos and Rings Today body piercings are popular, especially among the young. Nose and nipple rings and tongue and belly-button jewelry send a variety of messages.

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Although people wearing such jewelry may wish to communicate meanings of their own, those interpreting these messages seem to infer that the wearer is communicating an unwillingness to conform to social norms and a willingness to take greater risks than those without such piercings (Forbes, 2001). It’s worth noting that in a study of employers’ perceptions, applicants with eyebrow piercings were rated and ranked significantly lower than those without such piercings (Acor, 2001). In another study, nose-pierced job candidates were given lower scores on measures of credibility, such as character and trust, as well as sociability and job suitability (Seiter & Sandry, 2003). Tattoos—tempo- rary or permanent—likewise communicate a vari- ety of messages, often the name of a loved one or

some symbol of allegiance or affiliation. Tattoos also communicate to the wearers them- selves. For example, tattooed students see themselves (and perhaps others do as well) as more adventurous, creative, individualistic, and risk-prone than those without tattoos (Drews, Allison, & Probst, 2000). Another study found that 30% of tattooed Americans felt it made them sexier. And women do find men with tattoos sexy (Brooks, 2014). Men who display tattoos in their profile photos get more attention than those without tattoos, though the same is not true for women (Roper, 2014). However, tattoos and piercings may also communicate undesirable traits, such as impulsiveness, unpredictability, and a tendency toward recklessness or violence (Rapsa & Cusack, 1990; Smith, M. H., 2003).

Attitudes toward tattoos are changing quickly. For example, 64 percent of Amer- icans over 65 said the increase in tattoos was a change for the worse, while only 22  percent of those 18 to 29 said this (Brooks, 2014). Nevertheless, business experts continue to note the negative effects in terms of getting a job and suggest hiding tattoos during job interviews (Ingegneri, 2008; Varenik, 2010).

Olfactory Messages Smell is a peculiar aspect of nonverbal communication and is discussed in widely differ- ent ways by different writers. Here, because the emphasis is on using scents (for example, perfume or cologne), it’s grouped with artifactual communication. But recognize that body odor also communicates, and perhaps that part of smell is best thought of as a form of body communication. In fact, some research argues that body odor is a significant factor in influencing why some relationships develop and some don’t (Comstock, 2012). You also use smells to make yourself feel better. When the smells are pleasant, you feel better about yourself; when the smells are unpleasant, you feel less good about yourself. In fact, research finds that smells can influence your body’s chemistry, which, in turn, influences your emotional state. For example, the smell of chocolate results in the reduction of theta brain waves, which produces a sense of relaxation and a reduced level of attention (Martin, 1998).

Olfactory communication, or olfactics, is extremely important in a wide variety of situations. Scientists estimate that you can smell some 10,000 different odors (Angier, 1995a). People are able to identify relatives from their smells, fear and stress in others, and even illness and relative age (Comstock, 2012; Mitro, Gordon, Olsson, & Lund- ström, 2012). There is some evidence, though not conclusive, showing that the smell of lemon contributes to a perception of health, the smells of lavender and eucalyptus seem to increase alertness, and the smell of rose oil seems to reduce blood pressure. Findings such as these have contributed to the growth of aromatherapy and to the profession of aromatherapist (Furlow, 1996). Some of the most important messages that scent seems to communicate involve attraction, taste, memory, and identification.

VIEWPOINTS Dress Implications

A popular defense tactic in sex crimes against women, gay men, lesbians, and transgender individuals is to blame the victim by referring to the way the victim was dressed and implying that the victim, by wearing certain clothing, provoked the attack. What do you think of this tactic? Is it likely to be effective? Is it ethical?

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• To attract others In many animal species, the female gives off a scent that draws males, often from far distances, and thus ensures the continuation of the species. Humans, too, emit sexual attractants called sex pheromones, body secretions that arouse sexual desire (Kluger, 2008). Humans, of course, supplement pheromones with perfumes, colognes, after-shave lotions, powders, and the like, to enhance attractiveness and sexuality and, at the same time, to cover up any unpleasant body odor. And if we can judge from the advertisements and the space devoted to such products, men seem to be catching up with women in the number and diversity of such products. Women, research finds, prefer the scent of men who bear a close genetic similarity to themselves—a finding that may account in part for our attraction to people much like ourselves (Ober, et al., 1997; Wade, 2002). And the Associated Press reports (June 23, 2012) that pheromone sniffing parties, in which members submit a slept-in T-shirt to be smelled by others in an attempt to meet eligible singles, have been held in New York City and Los Angeles and are planned for other cities as well. The idea is that singles bring a slept-in T-shirt, coded for identification purposes, to a party. Others smell it and if they like the smell, they get together. It’s seen by some as an alternative to online dating.

• To aid taste Without smell, taste would be severely impaired. For example, it would be extremely difficult to taste the difference between a raw potato and an apple without the sense of smell. Street vendors selling hot dogs, sausages, and sim- ilar foods are aided greatly by the smells that stimulate the appetites of passersby.

• To aid memory Smell is a powerful memory aid; you can often recall situations from months and even years ago when you happen upon a similar smell. One reason smell can help you recall a previous situation so effectively is that it’s often associated with significant emotional experiences (Rubin, Groth, & Goldsmith, 1984; Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989).

• To create an image Smell is often used to create an image or an identity for a product. Advertisers and manufacturers spend millions of dollars each year creating scents for cleaning products and toothpastes, for example. These scents have nothing to do with the products’ cleaning power. Instead, they function solely to help create product images or identities. There is also evidence that we can identify specific significant others by smell. For example, infants find their mothers’ breasts through smell, mothers can identify their newborns solely through smell, and children are able to identify the T-shirts of their brothers and sisters solely on the basis of smell (Porter & Moore, 1981; Angier, 1995a).

Temporal Communication The study of temporal communication, known technically as chronemics, concerns the use of time—how you organize it, react to it, and communicate messages through it (Bruneau, 1985, 1990, 2009/2010). Here we’ll look at psychological, interpersonal, and cultural time.

Psychological Time Before reading about psychological time, consider your time orientation.

You receive a large amount of money. Will you save it for the future or blow it up on a lavish holiday? Your answer will depend largely on your time orientation. Time orientation plays an important role in governing how people think, feel, and behave, and influences their decisions about their life. Respond to the following statements with true (T) if the statement applies to you and false (F) if it doesn’t, in order to get an understanding of your time orientation.

____ 1. I believe that the old traditions and values of my family should be preserved.

____ 2. I spend a lot of time looking at old photo albums and reliving the glorious past.

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The time orientation you develop depends to a great extent on your socioeconomic class and your personal experiences (Gonzalez & Zimbardo, 1985). For example, parents with unskilled and semiskilled occupations are likely to teach their children a present- oriented fatalism and a belief that enjoying yourself is more important than planning for the future. Parents who are teachers, managers, or other professionals tend to teach their children the importance of planning and preparing for the future, along with other strate- gies for success. In the United States, not surprisingly, future income is positively related to future orientation; the more future-oriented you are, the greater your income is likely to be.

Different time perspectives also account for much intercultural misunderstanding because different cultures often teach their members drastically different time orientations. For example, people from some Latin cultures would rather be late for an appointment than end a conversation abruptly or before it has come to a natural end. So the Latin cultures may see an individual’s lateness as a result of politeness. But others may see the lateness as impolite to the person with whom the individual had the appointment (Hall & Hall, 1987).

Similarly, the future-oriented person who works for tomorrow’s goals frequently sees the present-oriented person as lazy and poorly motivated for enjoying today and not planning for tomorrow. In turn, the present-oriented person may see those with strong future orientations as obsessed with amassing wealth or rising in status. Some cultures—individualistic cultures in particular—seem to emphasize a future orienta- tion; members work hard today for a better future and without much regard for the past, for example. Collectivist cultures, on the other hand, have greater respect for the past; the past is often looked to for guidance for the present. According to some intercul- tural researchers, many Asian cultures (Japanese and Chinese) place great value on the past, Latinos and Native Americans place more emphasis on the present, and European Americans emphasize the future (Lustig, Koester, & Halualani, 2018).

As you read more about time and nonverbal communication generally, consider how these time orientations work for or against you. For example, will your time

____ 3. I never forget the hardships of my past. They guide me in all that I do today.

____ 4. I continue to visit my elderly doctor for old times’ sake.

____ 5. I know our relationship will be short-lived but this will not stop me from enjoying it today.

____ 6. Although I have bright prospects in my current firm, I will resign and join the exciting new start-up.

____ 7. I’m happy to live in the moment and enjoy all that life offers to me today.

____ 8. I will even take a loan, but I must possess this new phone.

____ 9. I plan all details of my holidays well in advance.

____ 10. I will sacrifice my leisure time today, and study harder to ensure better grades in my exams.

____ 11. I eat healthy and exercise regularly so that I’m fit in my old age.

____ 12. I will bear hardships today if they secure me a better life tomorrow.

These statements were designed to raise the issue of time orientation, whether you focus more on the past, the present, or the future.

• Past orientation refers to a respect for the past and a desire to keep the past alive in the mind by continuing old traditions and way of life. Past-oriented individuals would respond with true (T) to statements 1-4 and with true (T) or false (F) for the remaining statements.

• Present orientation refers to an attitude of living in the moment, and making most of what the present offers. Present-oriented individuals respond with true (T) to statements 5-8, false (F) to questions 9-12, and either true (T) or false (F) to questions 1-4.

• Future orientation refers to people who believe in planning for the future. They will make sacrifices today to ensure a better tomorrow. Future-oriented individuals respond with true (T) to questions 9-12, false (F) to questions 5-8, and either true (T) or false (F) to questions 1-4.

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orientation help you achieve your social and professional goals? If not, what might you do about changing these attitudes and behaviors? Time and its effective management are important, and Table 5.7 offers some suggestions for effective time management.

Interpersonal Time Interpersonal time refers to a wide variety of time-related ele- ments that figure into interpersonal interaction. Here are several of the more important (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010; Andersen & Bowman, 1999; DeVito, 2014):

• Punctuality refers to being on time for a variety of occasions—for company meet- ings, class, teacher-student appointments, a ballgame, a movie or television show, and completing assignments, to name just a few examples.

• Wait time refers to the amount of time it’s considered appropriate to wait for some- one. Generally, the rule is that you’d wait longer for higher-status people than for lower-status people. You’d wait a long time if your supervisor is late, but you may wait only a few minutes for a colleague.

• Duration refers to the length of time that a particular interaction will take. When you go to the doctor or dentist, you’re likely given a specific amount of time. If you use a consultant, lawyer, or accountant, you may be charged for the length of time you interact and the length of time he or she works on your project. Appropriately enough, the practice is referred to as being “on the clock.”

• Talk time refers, for example, to who initiates and who terminates a conversation, who talks more, who selects and directs the topics for discussion. As with so many such factors, status plays an important role here. It’s the higher-status person who makes the decisions. But perhaps the best example of high status and talk time is the privilege to interrupt.

• Work time refers to the time schedule of your working life. If you’re a low-level employee, you may have to punch a clock. And you’re probably paid per unit of time, per hour or per day. You need to arrive on time and not leave before the work- day is finished. And you need to wait for your lunch break to eat even if you have been hungry for the last two hours. If you’re a high-level employee or the boss, you may actually spend more time at work, but it will be of your own choosing. You won’t have to punch a time clock; get permission to arrive late or leave early; and, of course, you don’t have to wait for your lunch break to eat.

• Relationship time is similar to work time but refers to the time one gives or should give to the various people with whom he or she has a relationship. In our culture,

Principle Suggestion

Understand your use of time.

Take a look at what takes up most of your time. In a 24-hour day, what takes up the largest block of time (aside from sleeping)? Once you know how you spend your time, you’ll be able to see what can be and should be cut back.

Attack your time-wasters. Begin by getting rid of the one time-waster that you can do without most easily.

Avoid procrastination. It’s highly unlikely that you will do a better job when you’re rushed.

Use tools. Everyone needs help and you can’t keep everything in short-term memory. Twitter can easily be used for jogging your memory, as can the various online calendars.

Prioritize. Put some order into your list.

Break up large tasks. Most large tasks can be divided into small steps to accomplish during the workday.

Set realistic time limits. It often helps to set time limits, especially when the task is unpleasant, like doing your income taxes or reading a boring but important textbook.

Reward yourself. Rewarding yourself after completing a unit of work often makes unpleasant tasks a bit easier to accomplish.

Do things once rather than twice.

For example, one of the popular rules for time management is to look only once at a piece of paper, act on it, and then file or get rid of it.

Avoid distractions. Minimize whatever distractions you can control. You’re not going to be able to control all of them.

Table 5.7 Ten Principles of Time Management

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committed romantic couples normally spend a considerable amount of time together and when that time is abbreviated (and considered too little by one of the partners), the relationship may be headed for trouble. Even long-distance relationships normally have relationship time—whether on the phone, through periodic visits, or via Skype.

• Response time refers to the time it takes you to respond. Response time is observed in both synchronous and asynchronous communication. For example, in face-to- face communication, the response time to some statements and questions must be immediate. There should be very little response lag between one’s person’s “Will you marry me?” and the other’s “Yes.” When the response time is inappropriately long, you may sense some kind of disagreement or lack of certainty. An article in The Week (June 1, 2012, p. 12) gave a perfect example of inappropriate response time. An Indian woman filed a motion for divorce from her husband of two months because he took too long to change his relationship status on Facebook to “mar- ried.” Her reasoning was that this was an indication that he was probably cheating; the judge didn’t agree and ordered them to undergo counseling.

All of these types of interpersonal time are influenced by a variety of factors involved in the interpersonal communication process. Status differences, as already illustrated, influence significantly the way in which interpersonal time is treated. But other factors

Long-term-oriented cultures teach the importance of future rewards, whereas short-term-oriented cultures teach their members to appre-

ciate the rewards of the past and the present.

THE CULTURAL MAP Long-Term Versus Short-Term Orientation

How might the differences between long- and short-term orientation influence interpersonal communication? Do you think long- and short-term oriented cultural members would use social media in the same way? For example, would their posted photos be similar? Different?

These countries are associated with long-term orientation and emphasize the importance of future rewards. Work now to benefit later is a shared belief. A good education and planning for the future are strongly valued in these countries.

These countries are associated with short-term orientation and emphasize the importance of present rewards. Benefit now because you may not benefit later. Spending resources now and getting quick results are strongly valued in these countries.

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also come into play. For example, your personality likely influences your punctuality, how long you wait for someone, whether you interrupt others, and your response time to invitations. Similarly, the context and purpose of the communication influence how you’ll treat interpersonal time. For example, if you’re interviewing for the job of a lifetime and the interviewer is late, you’ll no doubt wait. But if you’re simply meeting someone to walk to classes with and the person is late, you’d be more likely to move on.

Cultural Time Here we look at three types of cultural time: monochro- nism and polychronism, formal and informal time, and the social clock.

Monochronism and Polychronism Another important distinction is that between monochronic time orientation and polychronic time orientation (Hall, 1959, 1976; Hall & Hall, 1987). Monochronic people or cultures—such as those of the United States, Germany, Scandinavia, and Switzerland—schedule one thing at a time. In these cultures, time is compartmentalized and there is a time for everything. On the other hand, polychronic people or cultures—such as those of Latin America, the Mediterranean, and Arabic cultures—schedule multiple things at the same time. Eating, conducting business with several different people, and taking care of family matters all may occur at the same time.

It’s interesting to note that social network sites enable you to do (or at least appear to do) more things at one time by enabling you to schedule your tweets or the sending of birthday cards. So you can be skiing down the slopes at the same time your tweets are posted or your cards are sent.

No culture is entirely monochronic or polychronic; rather, these are general ten- dencies that are found across a large part of the culture. Some cultures combine both time orientations; for example, both orientations are found in Japan and in parts of American culture. Table 5.8 identifies some of the distinctions between these two time orientations. As you read this table, which is based on Hall and Hall (1987), note the potential for miscommunication that these differences may create when monochronic- time and polychronic-time people interact. Have any of these differences ever created interpersonal misunderstandings for you?

Formal and Informal Time Days are astronomically determined by the earth’s rota- tion on its axis, months by the moon’s movement around the earth, and years by the earth’s rotation around the sun. But the rest of our time divisions are cultural (largely religious) in origin.

Formal time divisions in the United States and in most of the world include sec- onds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Some cultures, however, may use seasons or phases of the moon to demarcate their most important time periods. In the United States, if your college is on the semester system, your courses are divided into 50- or 75-minute periods that meet two or three times a week for 14-week periods. Eight semesters of 15 or 16 periods per week equal a college education. As these examples illustrate, formal time units are arbitrary. The culture establishes them for convenience.

VIEWPOINTS Time Management

What factors determine how long you’ll wait for someone who is late for an appointment?

The Monochronic-Time Person The Polychronic-Time Person

Does one thing at a time. Does several things at once.

Treats time schedules and plans very seriously; feels they may be bro- ken only for the most serious of reasons.

Treats time schedules and plans as useful (not sacred) tools; feels they may be broken for a variety of causes.

More often have short term relationships. More often have long term, even life-time, relationships.

Considers the job the most important part of life, ahead of even family. Considers the family and interpersonal relationships more important than the job.

Considers privacy extremely important; seldom borrows or lends to oth- ers; works independently.

Is actively involved with others; works in the presence of and with lots of people at the same time.

Table 5.8 Monochronic and Polychronic Time

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Informal time divisions are more general, more ambiguous, and involve informal time terms such as forever, immediately, soon, right away, as soon as possible. This type of time communication creates the most problems because informal terms have differ- ent meanings for different people. This is especially true when these terms are used interculturally. For example, what does late mean when applied to a commuter train that is not on time? Apparently, it depends on your culture. In the United States (the New York area specifically), late means arriving six minutes or more after the sched- uled time; in Britain, it means five minutes or more. But in Japan, it means one minute.

Not only in concepts of lateness but in other respects as well, attitudes toward time vary from one culture to another. In one study, for example, researchers measured the accu- racy of clocks in six cultures—in Japan, Indonesia, Italy, England, Taiwan, and the United States. Japan had the most accurate and Indonesia had the least accurate clocks. The investi- gators also measured the speed at which people in these six cultures walked; results showed that the Japanese walked the fastest, the Indonesians the slowest (LeVine & Bartlett, 1984).

The Social Clock Your culture maintains a social clock—a time schedule for the right time to do various important things, such as starting to date, finishing college, buying your own home, or having a child. The social clock tells you if you’re keeping pace with your peers, are ahead of them, or are falling behind (Greene, 2003; Neugarten, 1979). On the basis of this social clock, which you learned as you grew up, you evaluate your own social and professional development. If you’re keeping pace with the rest of your peers (for example, you started dating at the “appropriate” age or you’re finishing college at the “appropriate” age), you’ll feel well-adjusted, competent, and part of the group. If you’re late, you’ll probably experience feelings of dissatisfaction. Although today the social clock is becoming more flexible and more tolerant of deviations from the acceptable timetable than it was in past decades, it still exerts pressure on each of us to keep pace with our peers (Peterson, 1996).

Understanding these culturally different perspectives on time should make inter- cultural communication a bit easier, especially if these time differences are discussed in a culturally sensitive atmosphere. After all, one view of time is not any more correct than any other. However, like all cultural differences, these different time orientations have consequences. For example, members of future-oriented cultures are more likely to succeed in competitive markets like the United States, but they may be viewed negatively by members of cultures that stress living in, and enjoying, the present.

Table 5.9 summarizes the 10 channels of communication discussed here.

Channel Key Concepts

Body messages include body gestures and body appearance (also known as kinesics).

Five types of gestures: emblems, illustrators, affect displays, regulators, and adaptors; general body build, height, and weight.

Facial communication. Facial management, facial feedback.

Eye communication (also known as occulesis). Eye contact, eye avoidance, pupil dilation.

Touch communication (also known as tactile communication, haptics). Touch communicates a variety of emotions as does touch avoidance.

Paralanguage. The rate, pitch, volume of your speech.

Silence. Silence is functional; spiral of silence.

Spatial messages and territoriality (also known as proxemics). Proxemic distances (intimate, personal, social, public) and territories ( primary, secondary, public).

Artifactual communication. Items made or arranged by the person, for example, space decoration, colors, clothing and body adornment, and scent.

Olfactory messages. Scent can be used to attract others, to aid taste, to aid memory, and to create an image.

Temporal communication (also known as chronemics). Psychological, interpersonal, cultural, and biological time.

Table 5.9 In a Nutshell Ten Channels of Nonverbal Communication

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Nonverbal Communication Competence 5.3 Identify the competencies for effectively encoding and decoding nonverbal

messages.

Throughout the discussion of nonverbal communication, you’ve probably deduced a number of suggestions for improving your own nonverbal communication. Here we bring together some suggestions for both receiving and sending nonverbal messages.

Understanding Interpersonal Skills Immediacy: Interpersonal Closeness and Togetherness

Communicating with Immediacy Here are a few suggestions for communicating imme- diacy verbally and nonverbally (Mottet & Richmond, 1998;

Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012).

• Self-disclose. Reveal something significant about yourself. But remember the cautions.

• Refer to the other person’s good qualities of, say, dependability, intelligence, or character—“you’re always so reliable.” Be complimentary.

• Express your positive view of the other person and of your relationship—“I’m so glad you’re my roommate; you know everyone.”

• Talk about commonalities, things you and the other per- son have done together or share.

• Demonstrate your responsiveness by giving feedback cues that indicate you want to listen more and that you’re interested—“And what else happened?”

• Express psychological closeness and openness by, for example, maintaining physical closeness and arranging your body to exclude third parties.

• Maintain appropriate eye contact and limit looking around at others.

• Smile and express your interest in the other person.

• Focus on the other person’s remarks. Make the speaker know that you heard and understood what was said, and give the speaker appropriate verbal and nonverbal feedback.

At the same time that you want to demonstrate these immediacy messages, try also to avoid nonimmediacy mes- sages, such as speaking in a monotone, looking away from the person you’re talking to, frowning while talking, maintaining a

tense body posture, or avoiding gestures.

Working with Immediacy How would other people rate you on immediacy? How would you rate yourself? In what situations might you express great immediacy? In what situations might you express little immediacy?

Immediacy is the creation of closeness, a sense of together- ness, a oneness between speaker and listener. When you communicate immediacy, you convey a sense of interest and attention, a liking for, and an attraction to, the other person. You communicate immediacy with both verbal and nonverbal messages.

Not surprisingly, people respond to communication that is immediate more favorably than to communication that is not. People like people who communicate immediacy. You can increase your interpersonal attractiveness, the degree to which others like you and respond positively toward you, by using immediacy behaviors. In addition, there is considerable evidence to show that immediacy behaviors are also effective in workplace communication, especially between supervisors and subordinates (Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012). For example, when a supervisor uses immediacy behaviors, he or she is seen by subordinates as interested and concerned; subordinates are therefore likely to communicate more freely and honestly about issues that can benefit the supervisor and the organization. Also, workers who have supervisors who communicate immediacy have higher job satisfaction and motivation.

Not all cultures or all people respond in the same way to immediacy messages. For example, in the United States, immediacy behaviors are generally seen as friendly and appro- priate. In other cultures, however, the same immediacy behav- iors may be viewed as overly familiar—as presuming that a relationship is close when only an acquaintanceship exists. Similarly, recognize that some people may take your imme- diacy behaviors as indicating a desire for increased intimacy in the relationship. Although you may be trying to signal a friendly closeness, the other person may perceive a romantic invitation. Also, recognize that because immediacy behaviors prolong and encourage in-depth communication, they may not be responded to favorably by persons who are fearful about communication and/or who want to get the interac- tion over with as soon as possible (Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012).

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Perhaps the most general skill that applies to both receiving and sending is to become mindful of nonverbal messages—those of others as well as your own. Observe those whose nonverbal behavior you find particularly effective and those you find ineffective and try to identify exactly what makes one effective and one ineffective. Consider this chapter a brief introduction to a lifelong study. In addition to mindfulness, general suggestions can be offered for encoding (or sending) nonverbal messages and for decoding (or interpreting) nonverbal messages. Putting these skills into practice will help you improve your nonverbal communication.

Encoding Skills In using nonverbal messages to express your meanings, consider these suggestions:

1. Identify choices. Identify your choices for your nonverbal communication just as you do for your verbal messages. Identify and think mindfully about the choices you have available for communicating what you want to communicate. For exam- ple, when you post a photo on Facebook, you are telling others something about yourself; is your message positive or negative?

2. Be consistent. Keep your nonverbal messages consistent with your verbal mes- sages; avoid sending verbal messages that say one thing and nonverbal messages that say something else—at least not when you want to be believed.

3. Self-monitor. Monitor your own nonverbal messages with the same care that you monitor your verbal messages. If it’s not appropriate to say “this meal is terrible,” then it’s not appropriate to have a negative expression when you’re asked if you want seconds.

4. Avoid extremes and monotony. Too little nonverbal communication or too much are likely to be responded to negatively. Similarly, always giving the same nonver- bal message—say, continually smiling and nodding your head when listening to a friend’s long story—is likely to be seen as insincere.

5. Analyze the situation. Take the situation into consideration. Effective nonverbal communication is situational; to be effective, adapt your nonverbal messages to the specific situation. Nonverbal behavior appropriate to one situation may be totally inappropriate in another.

6. Maintain eye contact with the speaker. Whether at a meeting, in the hallway, or on an elevator make eye contact; it communicates politeness and says that you are giving the person the consideration of your full attention. Eye contact that is too focused and too prolonged is likely to be seen as invasive and impolite.

7. Avoid certain adaptors in public. For example, combing your hair, picking your teeth, or putting your pinky in your ear are likely to be seen as impolite. And, not surprisingly, the greater the formality of the situation, the greater the perception of impo- liteness is likely to be. So, for example, combing your hair while sitting with two or three friends would probably not be consid- ered impolite (or perhaps only mildly so), but in a classroom or at a company meeting, it would be considered inappropriate.

8. Avoid strong cologne or perfume. While you may enjoy the scent, those around you may find it unpleasant and intrusive. Much like others do not want to hear your cell messages, they probably don’t want to have their sense of smell invaded, either.

9. Be careful with touching. Touching may or may not be consid- ered appropriate or polite depending on the relationship you have with the other person and in the context in which you find yourselves. The best advice to give here is to avoid touch- ing unless it’s part of the culture of the group or organization.

Your colleague in the next cubicle wears extremely strong cologne that you find horrendous. You can’t continue smelling this horrible scent any longer. What might you do to correct this situation?

a. Cough repeatedly when passing your colleague, who you hope will get the hint.

b. Say something to the office manager.

c. Say something to your colleague.

d. Say nothing; bear it.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Dealing with Unpleasant Nonverbals

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As a type of conclusion to this section, consider the findings of one nonverbal expert for nonver- bal behaviors that you should avoid because they often create negative impressions (Smith, 2014). But, because each situation is different, it’s best to look at these nonverbal behaviors as creating negative impressions under certain circumstances but, cer- tainly, not in all situations:

• Crossing your arms across your chest can signal defensiveness.

• Leaning forward too much or too quickly can indicate aggressiveness.

• Breaking your eye contact too early in the inter- action might indicate a lack of concern or focus.

• Putting your hands on your hips when standing can indicate aggressiveness.

• Taking a step or two back when asked a question or for a decision may lead people to see you as defensive and unwilling to be honest.

• Putting your hands behind your back or in your pockets can make you look overly stiff.

• Nodding more than usual can make you look less than serious.

Decoding Skills When you make judgments or draw conclusions about another person on the basis of her or his nonverbal messages, consider these suggestions:

1. Be tentative. Resist the temptation to draw immediate conclusions from non- verbal behaviors. Instead, develop hypotheses (educated guesses) about what is going on, and test the validity of your hypotheses on the basis of other evidence.

2. Mindfully seek alternatives when making judgments. Your first judgment may be in error, and one good way to test it is to consider alternative judgments. When your romantic partner creates a greater-than-normal distance between you, it may signal an annoyance with you, but it can also signal that your partner needs some space to think something out.

3. See messages as multi-channeled. Notice that messages come from lots of different channels and that reasonably accurate judgments can only be made when multiple channels are taken into consideration. Although textbooks (like this one) must pres- ent the areas of nonverbal communication separately, the various elements all work together in actual communication situations.

4. Consider the possibility that you are incorrect. Even after you’ve explored the different channels, consider the possibility that you are somehow mistaken; that you’ve misevaluated the situation. This is especially true when you make a judg- ment that another person is lying based on, say, eye avoidance or long pauses. These nonverbal signals may mean lots of things (as well as the possibility of lying).

5. Interpret your judgments and conclusions against a cultural context. Consider, for example, if you interpret another’s nonverbal behavior through its meaning in your own culture. So, for example, if you interpret someone’s “overly close” talk- ing distance as intrusive or pushy because that’s your culture’s interpretation, you may miss the possibility that this distance is simply standard in the other person’s culture or it’s a way of signaling closeness and friendliness.

VIEWPOINTS Nonverbal Skills

Research shows that women are perceived to be, and in reality are, more skilled at both encoding and decoding nonverbal messages (Briton & Hall, 1995; Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). Do you notice this in your own interactions? Do these differences give women an advantage in conversation? In negotiation? In conflict resolution? In serving on a jury?

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6. Consider the multitude of factors. A wide variety of factors can influence the way a person behaves nonverbally; for example, a person’s physical condition, person- ality, or particular situation may all influence a person’s nonverbal communica- tion. A sour stomach may be more influential in unpleasant expressions than any interpersonal factor. A low grade in an exam may make your normally pleasant roommate scowl and grumble. Without knowing these factors, it’s difficult to make an accurate judgment.

7. Measure behaviors against a baseline. In judging the meaning of another’s behav- ior, you need to know how this person behaves ordinarily so you can tell what’s a deviation and what’s normal for this person. For example, if Pat is normally shy and reticent to talk and you observe Pat being the life of the party, it’s more mean- ingful than if you observed Pat being shy and reticent. Nonverbal behavior is most revealing when it deviates from the baseline.

Table 5.10 summarizes these guidelines for increasing your own nonverbal com- munication competence.

Guidelines for Encoding Competence Guidelines for Decoding Competence

Identify choices. Be tentative.

Be consistent. Mindfully seek alternatives when making judgments.

Self-monitor. See messages as multi-channeled.

Avoid extremes and monotony. Consider the possibility that you are incorrect.

Analyze the situation. Interpret your judgments and conclusions against a cultural context.

Maintain eye contact with the speaker. Consider the multitude of factors.

Avoid certain adaptors in public. Measure behaviors against a baseline.

Avoid strong cologne or perfume.

Be careful with touching

Table 5.10 In a Nutshell Nonverbal Communication Competence

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contempt, interest, bewilderment, and determina- tion. Some facial movements manage the meanings being communicated by means of intensifying, dein- tensifying, neutralizing, masking, and simulating.

11. Through eye contact, we monitor feedback, main- tain interest/attention, signal conversational turns, signal the nature of relationships, signal status, and compensate for physical distance. Through eye avoidance we may give others privacy, signal disin- terest, cut off unpleasant stimuli, or heighten other senses. Pupil dilation indicates interest/arousal and increases attractiveness.

12. Among the meanings touch can communicate are positive affect, playfulness, control, ritual functions, and task-relatedness.

13. Paralanguage cues help people form impressions; identify emotional states; and make judgments of speakers’ credibility, intelligence, and objectivity.

14. Silence can communicate varied meanings (for example, the desire to hurt, to prevent communi- cation, or to achieve special effects). The spiral of silence theory offers an interesting perspective on the influence of silence.

15. The major types of distance that correspond to types of relationships are intimate distance (touch- ing to 18 inches), personal distance (18 inches to 4 feet), social distance (4 to 12 feet), and public dis- tance (12 or more feet).

16. Theories about space include protection theory (you maintain spatial distance to protect yourself), equi- librium theory (you regulate distance according to the intimacy level of your relationship), and expec- tancy violations theory (increasing or decreasing the expected distance between yourself and another can send important messages).

17. Your territories may be identified as primary (areas you own), secondary (areas that you occupy regu- larly), and public (areas open to everyone). Like animals, humans often mark their territories with central, boundary, and ear markers as proof of own- ership. Your territory (its appearance and the way it’s used) also communicates status.

18. Among the artifactual nonverbal cues are space decoration, color, clothing, and body adornment.

Principles of Nonverbal Communication 5.1 Explain the principles of nonverbal messages.

1. Nonverbal messages interact with verbal messages in six major ways: to accent, to complement, to con- tradict, to control, to repeat, and to substitute for each other.

2. Nonverbal messages help manage impressions. It is largely through the nonverbal communications of others that you form impressions of them and through your nonverbals that they draw impres- sions of you.

3. Nonverbal messages help you form relationships. You communicate affection, support, and love, and also displeasure, anger, and animosity through non- verbal signals.

4. Nonverbal messages structure conversation. When you’re in conversation, you exchange nonverbal signals indicating that you’re ready to speak, to lis- ten, or to comment on what the speaker just said.

5. Nonverbal messages can influence and deceive. You can influence (and deceive) others not only through what you say but also through your nonverbal signals.

6. Nonverbal messages are crucial for emotional expression. Although people often explain and reveal emotions verbally, nonverbal signals commu- nicate a great part of the emotional experience.

Channels of Nonverbal Communication 5.2 Explain the channels through which nonverbal

messages are sent and received.

7. Nonverbal messages are communicated through a variety of channels and their meanings are greatly influenced by culture.

8. Among body gestures are emblems, illustrators, affect displays, regulators, and adaptors.

9. General body appearance (e.g., height, weight, and eye and skin colors) can communicate a person’s power, level of attractiveness, and suitability as a friend or romantic partner.

10. Facial movements express emotions, such as hap- piness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust/

This chapter explored nonverbal communication and identified the major principles of nonverbal communication, the varied channels of nonverbal communication, and suggestions for increas- ing competence in encoding and decoding.

Summary

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19. Olfactory messages include those designed to attract others, to aid taste and memory, and to cre- ate images and recollections.

20. Three main time orientations can be distinguished: past, present, and future. These orientations influ- ence a wide variety of behaviors, such as your willingness to plan for the future, your tendency to party, and even your potential income.

Nonverbal Communication Competence 5.3 Identify the competencies for effectively encoding and

decoding nonverbal messages.

21. You can increase your nonverbal encoding compe- tence by considering your choices for communicat- ing, being consistent in your messages, monitoring

adaptors affect displays artifactual communication boundary markers central marker chronemics civil inattention color communication cultural display rules cultural display deception bias Duchenne smile ear marker emblems emoji emoticon equilibrium theory expectancy violations theory eye avoidance eye communication facial feedback hypothesis formal time

haptics home field advantage home territories illustrators immediacy informal time insulation interpersonal time intimate distance kinesics linguistic collusion markers monochronic time orientation nonverbal communication oculesics olfactory communication paralanguage personal distance polychronic time orientation primary territories protection theory proxemic distances

proxemics psychological time public distance public territories rate regulators secondary territories silence smiley social distance spiral of silence tactile communication temporal communication territorial encroachment territoriality touch avoidance truth bias turf defense volume withdrawal

your nonverbal choices, avoiding extremes, being aware of the situation, maintaining eye contact, avoiding adaptors, avoiding strong and poten- tially unpleasant scents, and being cautious about touching.

22. You can increase your nonverbal decoding compe- tence by mindfully seeking alternative judgments, being tentative, attending to all nonverbal channels, considering that you might be wrong, being sensi- tive to the cultural context, and considering the vast array of factors that can influence what a person does or says.

Key Terms

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CHAPTER SIX

Chapter Topics The Process and Skills of Listening

Listening Barriers

Styles of Effective Listening

Culture, Gender, and Listening

Learning Objectives 6.1 Define listening, describe its five stages, and identify

some of the skills for improving listening at each stage.

6.2 Explain the major barriers to effective listening.

6.3 Define the four styles of listening and explain how each may be used effectively.

6.4 Describe some of the cultural and gender differences in listening.

Listening isn’t always easy. A variety of skills can make it more effective and more comfortable.

There can be little doubt that you listen a great deal. On waking, you listen to the radio or television. On the way to school, you listen to friends, people around

you, screeching cars, singing birds, or falling rain. In school, you listen to the instructors, to other students, and to your- self. You listen to friends at lunch and return to class to listen to more instructors. You arrive home and again listen to fam- ily and friends. Perhaps you listen to music on your phone,

news on the radio or your computer, or dramas and sitcoms on television. All in all, you listen for a good part of your wak- ing day.

And there can be little doubt that listening is significant both professionally and personally. In today’s workplace, listening is regarded as a crucial skill.

Whether a temporary intern or a high-level executive, you need to listen if you’re going to function effectively in

Listening

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today’s workplace. If you’re not convinced of this, take a look at the many websites that talk about the skills needed for success in today’s workplace and you will find that listening consistently ranks among the most important skills. Job searching website, The Balance, identifies listening as the most important of the 10 communication skills for success in the workplace (Doyle, 2016).

Personally, we want partners who listen to us; we seek them out in good times and bad to share our thoughts and feelings. Without someone to listen to us, our lives would be a lot less fulfilling.

In this chapter, we look at the nature of the listening process, the barriers to effective listening, the varied styles of listening you might use in different situations, and some cultural and gender differences in listening. Throughout this chapter, we’ll identify ways to avoid the major barriers to listening and provide guidelines for more effective listening.

The Process and Skills of Listening 6.1 Define listening, describe its five stages, and identify some of the skills for

improving listening at each stage.

Traditionally, the study of listening has focused on spoken messages (Emmert, 1994; Brownell, 2013, Worthington & Fitch-Hauser, 2012). However, in light of Facebook, Twitter, wikis, and blogs, we need to expand the traditional definition of listening as the receiving and processing of auditory signals. If posting messages on social media sites is part of interpersonal communication (which it surely is), then the reading of these messages must also be part of interpersonal communication and most logically part of listening. Listening, then, may be defined as the process of receiving, understand- ing, remembering, evaluating, and responding to verbal [spoken or written] and/or nonverbal messages.

You can look at listening as a process occurring in five stages: (1) receiving (hearing and attending to the message), (2) understanding (deciphering meaning from the mes- sage you hear), (3) remembering (retaining what you hear in memory), (4) evaluating (thinking critically about and judging the message), and (5) responding (answering or giving feedback to the speaker). This five-step process is visualized in Figure 6.1.

All five listening stages overlap; when you listen, you’re performing all five pro- cesses at essentially the same time. For example, when listening in conversation, you’re not only remaining attentive to what the other person is saying but also critically evalu- ating what he or she just said and perhaps giving feedback.

Listening is never perfect. There are lapses in attention, misunderstandings, lapses in memory, inadequate critical thinking, and inappropriate responding. The goal is to reduce these obstacles as best you can.

Note that the listening process is circular. The responses of Person A serve as the stimuli for Person B, whose responses in turn serve as the stimuli for Person A, and so on. As will become clear in the following discussion of the five steps, listening is not a process of transferring an idea from the mind of a speaker to the mind of a listener. Rather, it is a process in which speaker and listener work together to achieve a common understanding.

Figure 6.1 emphasizes that listening involves a collection of skills for improv- ing: attention and concentration (receiving), learning (understanding), memory (remembering), critical thinking (evaluation), and competence in giving feedback (responding). Listening can go wrong at any stage—but you can improve your listen- ing ability by strengthening the skills needed at each step of the listening process. Consequently, suggestions for listening improvement are offered with each of the five stages.

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Stage One: Receiving Listening begins with hearing, the process of receiving the messages the speaker sends. One of the great myths about listening is that it’s the same as hearing. It isn’t. Hearing is just the first stage of listening; it’s equivalent to receiving. Hearing (and receiving) is a physiological process that occurs when you’re in the vicinity of vibrations in the air and these vibrations impinge on your eardrum. Hearing is basically a passive process that occurs without any attention or effort on your part; hearing is mindless. Listening, as you’ll see, is very different; listening is mindful.

At the receiving stage, you note not only what is said (verbally and nonverbally) but also what is omitted. You receive, for example, your boss’s summary of your accom- plishments as well as the omission of your shortcomings. To improve your receiving skills:

• Focus your attention. Focus your attention on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal messages, on what is said and on what isn’t said. Avoid focusing your attention on what you’ll say next; if you begin to rehearse your responses, you’re going to miss what the speaker says next.

• Avoid distractions. Avoid distractions in the environment; if necessary, take the ear buds out of your ears or turn off your cell phone.

• Maintain your role as listener. Maintain your listening role and avoid interrupting as much as possible. It will only prevent you from hearing what the speaker is saying.

At times, you may wish to ask your listeners to receive your messages fairly and without prejudice, especially when you anticipate a negative reaction. For this pur- pose, you’re likely to use disclaimers, statements that aim to ensure that your mes- sages will be understood and will not reflect negatively on you. Disclaimers also lessen

Figure 6.1 A Five-Stage Model of Listening

Lapses occur at each stage of listening. For example, at the receiving stage, a listener receives part of the message but, because of noise and perhaps for other reasons, fails to receive other parts. Similarly, at the stage of understanding, a listener understands part of the message but, because of each person’s inability to share another’s meanings exactly, fails to understand other parts. The same is true for remembering, evaluating, and responding. This model draws on a variety of previous models that listening researchers have developed (for example, Worthington & Fitch-Hauser, 2012; Barker, 1990; and Brownell, 2013).

Receiving Hearing

Attending

Responding Answering Giving

feedback

Evaluating Judging Criticizing

Understanding Learning

Deciphering meaning

Remembering Recalling Retaining

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any impression of what you’re saying being an attack on face. Some of the more popular disclaimers follow (Hewitt & Stokes, 1975; McLaughlin, 1984):

• Hedging helps you to separate yourself from the message so that if your listeners reject your message, they need not reject you (for example, “I may be wrong here, but . . . ”).

• Credentialing helps you establish your special qualifica- tions for saying what you’re about to say (“Don’t get me wrong; I’m not homophobic” or “As someone who tele- commutes, I . . . ”).

• Sin licenses ask listeners for permission to deviate in some way from some normally accepted convention (“I know this may not be the place to discuss business, but . . . ”).

• Cognitive disclaimers help you make the case that you’re in full possession of your faculties (“I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but let me explain the logic of the case”).

• Appeals for the suspension of judgment ask listeners to hear you out before making a judgment (“Don’t hang up on me until you hear my side of the story”).

Generally, disclaimers are effective when you think you might offend listeners in telling a joke (“I don’t usually like these types of jokes, but  .  .  .  ”). In one study, for example, 11-year-old children were read a story about someone whose actions created negative effects. Some children heard the story with a disclaimer, and others heard the same story without the disclaimer. When the children were asked to indicate how the person should be punished, those who heard the story with the

disclaimer recommended significantly lower punishments (Bennett, 1990). Disclaimers, however, can also get you into trouble. For example, to preface remarks

with “I’m no liar” may well lead listeners to think that perhaps you are lying. Also, if you use too many disclaimers, you may be perceived as someone who doesn’t have any strong convictions or as someone who wants to avoid responsibility for just about everything. This seems especially true of hedges.

In responding to statements containing disclaimers, it’s often necessary to respond to both the disclaimer and to the statement. By doing so, you let the speaker know that you heard the disclaimer and that you aren’t going to view this communication negatively. Appropriate responses might be: “I know you’re no sexist, but I don’t agree that . . . ” or “Well, perhaps we should discuss the money now even if it doesn’t seem right.”

Stage Two: Understanding Understanding is the stage at which you learn what the speaker means—the stage at which you grasp both the thoughts and the emotions expressed. Understanding one without the other is likely to result in an unbalanced picture. Understanding is not an automatic process; it takes effort.

You can improve your listening understanding in a variety of ways:

1. Avoid assuming you understand. Avoid assuming that you already know what the speaker is going to say before he or she actually says it. Making assumptions can prevent you from accurately listening to what the speaker wants to say.

2. See the speaker’s messages from the speaker’s point of view. Make a special effort to see the messages from the point of view of the speaker. Avoid judging the message until you fully understand it as the speaker intended it.

VIEWPOINTS Listening Attentively

What makes a person or a message deserving of your attentive listening? For example, would you find it more difficult to listen to someone who was overjoyed because of winning the lottery for $27 million or to someone who was overcome with sadness because of the death of a loved one? How easy would it be for you to listen to someone who was depressed because an expected bonus of $60,000 turned out to be only $45,000? Put differently, what types of people and what types of messages engage your listening attention?

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3. Ask questions. Whenever in doubt, ask for clarification; ask for additional details or examples if they’re needed. This shows not only that you’re listening—which the speaker will appreciate—but also that you want to learn more. Material that is not clearly understood is likely to be easily lost.

4. Paraphrase. Paraphrase or rephrase the speaker’s ideas in your own words. This can be done silently or aloud. If done silently, it will help you rehearse and learn the material; if done aloud, it also helps you confirm your understanding of what the speaker is saying.

Right now, a large part of your listening takes place in the classroom—listening to the instructor and to other students, essentially for understanding. Table 6.1 offers a few suggestions for listening effectively in the classroom.

Stage Three: Remembering Effective listening depends on remembering. For example, when Susan says that she is planning to buy a new car, the effective listener remembers this and at a later meeting asks about the car. When Joe says that his mother is ill, the effective listener remembers this and asks about her health later in the week.

In some small-group and public speaking situations, you can augment your mem- ory by taking notes or by recording the messages. In many work situations, taking notes is common and may even be expected. In most interpersonal communication situations, however, note taking is inappropriate—although you often do write down a telephone number, an appointment, or directions.

Perhaps the most important point to understand about memory is that what you remember is not what was said but what you remember was said. Memory for speech is not reproductive; you don’t simply reproduce in your memory what the speaker said. Rather, memory is reconstructive; you actually reconstruct the messages you hear into a system that makes sense to you. Although this may seem obvious to you (reading a chapter on listening), in a survey of over 1,800 people, 63 percent thought that memory works like a video and accurately records what they hear and what they see (Simons & Chabris, 2011).

If you want to remember what someone says or the names of various people, this information needs to pass from your short-term memory (the memory you use, say, to remember a phone number just long enough to write it down) into long-term memory. Short-term memory is very limited in capacity—you can hold only a small amount of information there. Long-term memory is unlimited. To facilitate the passage

General Suggestions Specifically

Prepare to listen. Sit up front where you can see your instructor and any visual aids clearly and comfortably. You listen with your eyes as well as your ears.

Avoid distractions. Avoid daydreaming, and put away physical distractions like your laptop, smartphone, or newspaper.

Pay special attention to the introduction. Listen for orienting remarks and for key words and phrases (often written on the board or on presenta- tion slides), such as “another reason,” “three major causes,” and “first.” Using these cues will help you outline the lecture.

Take notes in outline form. Listen for key terms and use these as headings in your outline. When the instructor says, for example, “there are four kinds of noise,” you have your heading and a numbered list of four kinds of noise.

Assume relevance. Some information may eventually prove irrelevant (unfortunately), but if you listen with the assumption of irrelevancy, you’ll never hear anything relevant.

Listen for understanding. Avoid taking issue with what is said until you understand it fully. Generally, it’s wise not to rehearse your arguments against a particular position. When you do this, you run the risk of missing additional expla- nation or qualification.

Table 6.1 Listening in the Classroom

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of information from short- to long-term memory, here are FOUR suggestions (focus, organize, unite, repeat):

1. Focus. Focus your attention on the central ideas. Even in the most casual of conversations, there are central ideas. Fix these in your mind. Repeat these ideas to yourself as you continue to listen. Avoid focusing on minor details that often lead to detours in listening and in conversation.

2. Organize. Organize what you hear; summarize the message in a more easily retained form, but take care not to ignore crucial details or qualifica- tions. If you chunk the material into categories, you’ll be able to remember more information. For example, if you want to remember 15 or 20

items to buy in the supermarket, you’ll remember more if you group them into chunks—produce, canned goods, and meats.

3. Unite. Unite the new with the old; relate new information to what you already know. Avoid treating new information as totally apart from all else you know. There’s probably some relationship and if you identify it, you’re more likely to remember the new material.

4. Repeat. Repeat names and key concepts to yourself or, if appropriate, aloud. By repeating the names or key concepts, you in effect rehearse these names and con- cepts, and as a result they’ll be easier to learn and remember. If you’re introduced to Alice, you’ll stand a better chance of remembering her name if you say, “Hi, Alice” than if you say just “Hi.” Be especially careful that you don’t rehearse your own anticipated responses; if you do, you’re sure to lose track of what the speaker is saying.

Stage Four: Evaluating Evaluating consists of judging the messages in some way. At times you may try to evaluate the speaker’s underlying intentions or motives. Often this evaluation process goes on without much conscious awareness. For example, Elaine tells you that she is up for a promotion and is really excited about it. You may then try to judge her intention: perhaps she wants you to use your influence with the company president, or maybe she’s preoccupied with the promotion and so she tells everyone, or possibly she’s look- ing for a compliment.

In other situations, your evaluation is more in the nature of critical analysis. For example, in listening to proposals advanced in a business meeting, you may ask: Are the proposals practical? Will they increase productivity? What’s the evidence? Is there contradictory evidence?

In evaluating, consider these suggestions:

1. Resist evaluation. Resist evaluation until you fully understand the speaker’s point of view. This is not always easy, but it’s almost always essential. If you put a label on the speaker (ultraconservative, bleeding-heart liberal), you’ll hear the remainder of the messages through these labels.

2. Distinguish facts from opinions. Distinguish facts from the opinions and personal interpretations of the speaker. And, most important, fix these labels in mind with the information; for example, try to remember that Jesse thinks Pat did XYZ, not just that Pat did XYZ.

VIEWPOINTS False Memories

The term false memory syndrome refers to a phenomenon in which you “remember” past experiences that never actually occurred (Loftus, 2004), a situation depicted here from the 1995 movie Indictment: The McMartin Trial. Most of the studies on false memory syndrome have centered on erroneous recollections of abuse and other traumatic experiences. Often these false memories are implanted by therapists and interviewers, whose persistent questioning over a period of time can create such a realistic scenario that you come to believe these things actually occurred (Porter, Brit, Yuille, & Lehman, 2000). In what other ways can false memory syndrome occur and create problems?

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3. Identify any biases. Identify biases, prejudices, or self-interests that may lead the speaker to slant unfairly what is said. It’s often wise to ask if the material is being presented fairly or if this person is slanting or spinning it in some way.

4. Recognize fallacious forms of “reasoning.” Recognize the com- mon fallacies of reasoning that speakers may employ, such as:

• Name-calling: applying a favorable or unfavorable label to color your perception—“democracy” and “soft on terror- ism” are two currently popular examples.

• Testimonial: using positively or negatively viewed spokes- persons to encourage your acceptance or rejection of something—such as a white-coated actor to sell toothpaste or a disgraced political figure associated with an idea the speaker wants rejected.

• Bandwagon: arguing that you should believe or do some- thing because “everyone else does.”

Stage Five: Responding Responding occurs in two phases: responses you make while the speaker is talking (immediate feedback) and responses you make after the speaker has stopped talking (delayed feedback). These feedback messages send information back to the speaker and tell the speaker how you feel and what you think about his or her messages. When you nod or smile in response to someone you’re interacting with face-to-face, you’re responding with immediate feedback. When you comment on a blog post, poke a person on Facebook who has poked you, or say you like a photo or post on Facebook, you’re responding with delayed feedback. The ease with which feed- back can be given on social media (and e-mail and mobile communication) seems to have created an expectation for feedback. When you don’t respond (or don’t respond quickly enough), it may be interpreted as negative feedback, for example, that you don’t like the new post or that you want to create more distance between you. This ease of responding and the expectation (and desire) for feedback may also be one of the reasons motivating the frequent status updates and the adding of new photos, at least for some social media users.

In face-to-face communication, supportive responses made while the speaker is talking are particularly effective; they acknowledge that you’re listening and that you’re understanding the speaker. These responses include what nonverbal researchers call back-channeling cues—comments such as “I see,” “yes,” “uh-huh,” and similar signals.

Responses made after the speaker has stopped talking or after you read a post on a blog or on Facebook are generally more elaborate and might include expressing empathy (“I know how you must feel”), asking for clarification (“Do you mean that this new health plan is going to replace the old one?”), challenging (“I think your evidence is weak here”), agreeing (“You’re absolutely right on this; I’ll support your proposal”), or giving support (“Good luck”). Social networks make this type of feedback especially easy with comment buttons and the thumbs up icon.

Improving listening responding involves avoiding some of the destructive patterns and practicing more constructive patterns, such as the following five:

1. Support the speaker. Give the speaker support throughout the conversation by using and varying your listening cues, such as head nods and minimal responses, for example, “I see” or “uh-huh.” Using the “like” or “love” icon, poking back on Facebook, and commenting on another’s photos or posts on social networking sites also prove supportive.

Your mother starts talking about messy rooms. You feel she is referring to your room, which is indeed quite messy. When she pauses for breath, what do you do?

a. Explain why your room is not clean.

b. Complain about your sister’s room, which is equally unkempt.

c. Tell her not to comment on your room.

d. Let her continue and realize that she was not referring to your room at all.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Listening Without Interruptions

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2. Own your responses. Take responsibil- ity for what you say. Instead of say- ing, “Nobody will want to do that” say something like “I don’t think I’ll do that.” Use the anonymity that most social networks allow with discretion.

3. Resist “responding to another’s feel- ings” with “solving the person’s problems.” Men are often accused of responding by trying to solve the person’s problems. Generally, this is best avoided, unless, of course, you’re asked for advice (Tannen, 1990).

4. Focus on the other person. Focus your attention on the other person. Avoid multitasking when you’re listening. Show the speaker that he or she is your

primary focus. Take off headphones; shut down the iPhone and the television; turn away from the computer screen. Instead of looking around the room, look at the speaker; the speaker’s eyes should be your main focus.

5. Avoid being a thought-completing listener. Avoid completing the speaker’s thoughts or what you think the speaker will say next. Instead, express respect by allowing the speaker to complete his or her thoughts. Completing someone’s thoughts often communicates the message that nothing important is going to be said (“I already know it”).

Table 6.2 provides a summary of effective listening at each of these five stages.

VIEWPOINTS The Skills of Listening

Thinking back to your last few face- to-face conversations, can you identify examples where the suggestions made here were or were not followed? How did the use or misuse of these suggestions influence the conversation?

Listening Stage Effective Listening

Receiving: You note not only what is said (verbally and nonver- bally) but also what is omitted.

Focus your attention on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal messages. Avoid distractions in the environment. Maintain your role as listener and avoid interrupting.

Understanding: You learn what the speaker means, the stage at which you grasp both the thoughts and the emotions expressed.

Avoid assuming you understand what the speaker is going to say before he or she actually says it. See the speaker’s messages from the speaker’s point of view. Ask questions for clarification. Rephrase (paraphrase) the speaker’s ideas in your own words.

Remembering: You put the information into short-term memory and rehearse it so that it is stored in long-term memory.

Focus your attention on the central ideas. Organize what you hear. Unite the new with the old. Rehearse; repeat names and key concepts to yourself or, if appropriate, aloud.

Evaluating: You judge or evaluate the messages in some way. Resist evaluation until you fully understand the speaker’s point of view. Distinguish facts from the opinions and personal interpretations of the speaker. Identify any biases, self-interests, or prejudices in the speaker. Recognize some of the popular but fallacious forms of “reason- ing” that speakers may employ, such as name-calling, testimonial, and bandwagon.

Responding: You may respond immediately as well as at some later time.

Support the speaker. Own your responses. Resist “responding to another’s feelings” with “solving the person’s problems.” Focus on the other person. Avoid being a thought-completing listener.

Table 6.2 In a Nutshell Effective Listening in Five Stages

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Listening Barriers 6.2 Explain the major barriers to

effective listening.

In addition to practicing the various skills for each stage of listening, consider some of the common general barriers to listen- ing. Here are six such barriers and some suggestions for dealing with them as both listener and speaker—because both speaker and listener are responsible for effective listening.

Physical and Mental Distractions Physical barriers to listening may include, for example, hearing impairment, a noisy environment, or loud music. Multitasking (watching TV while listening to someone with the aim of being supportive, say) simply doesn’t work. As both listener and speaker, try to remove whatever physical barriers can be removed; for those that you can’t remove, adjust your listening and speaking to lessen the effects as much as possible. As a listener, focus on the speaker; you can attend to the room and the other people later.

Mental distractions are in many ways similar to physical distractions; they get in the way of focused listening. Typical mental distractions, for example, are thinking about your upcoming Saturday night date, worrying about the unflattering photo your ex posted on Facebook, or becoming too emotional to think (and listen) clearly. In listen- ing, recognize that you can think about your date later. In speaking, make what you say compelling and relevant to the listener.

Biases and Prejudices Biases and prejudices against groups, or against individuals who are members of such groups, will invariably distort listening. For example, a gender bias that assumes that only one sex has anything useful to say about certain topics will likely distort incoming messages that contradict this bias. As a listener, be willing to subject your biases and prejudices to contradictory information; after all, if they’re worth having, they should stand up to differences of opinion. When you as a speaker feel that you may be facing bias, ask your listeners to suspend their attitude for the moment—I know you don’t like the Martins, and I can understand why. But, just listen to . . . 

Another type of bias is closed-mindedness, which is seen, for example, in the person who refuses to hear any feminist argument or anything about gay marriage. As a listener, assume that what the speaker is saying will be useful in some way. As a speaker, anticipate that many people will be closed-minded on a variety of issues, and remember that it often helps to simply ask for openness—I know this is contrary to what many people think, but let’s look at this logically.

Racist, Heterosexist, Ageist, and Sexist Listening Just as racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist attitudes influence your language, they can also influence your listening if you hear what speakers are saying through the ste- reotypes you hold. Prejudiced listening occurs when you listen differently to a person because of his or her gender, race, affectional orientation, or age, even though these characteristics are irrelevant to the message. As you can appreciate, this type of listening can present a major barrier to accurate listening.

VIEWPOINTS Cell Conversations

Research indicates that overheard cell phone conversations are rated as more intrusive than overheard conversations between two people talking face-to-face (Monk, Fellas, & Ley, 2004). Why do you think this is so?

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Racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist listening occurs in many situations. For example, when you dismiss a valid argument—or attribute validity to an invalid argument—because the speaker is of a particular race, affectional orientation, age group, or gender, you’re listening with prejudice.

Of course, there are many instances when these characteris- tics are relevant and pertinent to your evaluation of a message. For example, the sex of a person who is talking about pregnancy, fathering a child, birth control, or surrogate motherhood is, most would agree, probably relevant to the message. So, in these cases it is not sexist listening to take the sex of the speaker into consid- eration. It is sexist listening, however, to assume that only one sex can be an authority on a particular topic or that one sex’s opinions are without value. The same is true in relation to listening through a person’s race or affectional orientation.

Lack of Appropriate Focus Focusing on what a person is saying is obviously necessary for effec- tive listening. And yet there are many influences that can lead you astray. For example, listeners often get lost because they focus on irrel-

evancies, say, on an especially vivid example that conjures up old memories. As a listener, try not to get detoured from the main idea; don’t get hung up on unimportant details. Try to repeat the idea to yourself and see the details in relation to this main concept. As a speaker, try to avoid language or examples that may divert attention from your main idea.

People sometimes listen only for information with an obvious relevance to them. But this type of listening only prevents you from expanding your horizons. After all, it’s quite possible that information that you originally thought irrelevant will eventually prove helpful. Avoid interpreting everything in terms of what it means to you; see other perspectives. As a speaker, be sure to make what you say relevant to your specific listener.

Another mistake is for the listener to focus on the responses he or she is going to make while the speaker is still speaking. Anticipating how you’re going to respond or what you’re going to say (and perhaps even interrupting the speaker) just prevents you from hearing the message in full. Instead, make a mental note of something and then get back to listening. As a speaker, when you feel someone is preparing to argue with you, ask them to hear you out—I know you disagree with this, but let me finish and we’ll get back to that.

One of the things that makes maintaining an appropriate focus difficult is the enor- mous amount of information that surrounds you. Consider the Facebook pages of some of your friends. They are often so cluttered with posts and photos and album covers and advertisements and much more that it’s difficult to focus on what is important.

Premature Judgment Perhaps the most obvious form of premature judgment is assuming you know what the speaker is going to say—so there’s no need to really listen. Let the speaker say what he or she is going to say before you decide that you already know it. As a speaker, of course, it’s often wise to assume that listeners will do exactly this, so it may be helpful to make clear that what you’re saying will be unexpected.

A common listener reaction is to draw conclusions or judgments on incomplete evi- dence. Sometimes listeners stop listening after hearing a speaker, for example, express an attitude they disagree with or make some sexist or culturally insensitive remark. Instead, this is a situation that calls for especially concentrated listening so that you don’t rush to judgment. Instead, wait for the evidence or argument; avoid making judg- ments before you gather all the information. Listen first; judge second. As a speaker, be aware of this tendency and when you feel this is happening, ask for a suspension of

Often you’re asked by a speaker if he or she is get- ting through or making sense. It seems as if speakers doubt that you’re listening. But, usually at least, you are. What can you do to show people you’re listening to them and interested in what they’re saying?

a. Maintain eye contact and face-to-face posture.

b. Smile and allow your face to express your feelings.

c. Give minimal response cues such as “Yes, I see that” or simple head nods of agreement and listening involvement.

d. Ask questions.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Giving Listening Cues

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judgment. A simple “Hear me out” is often sufficient to prevent a too-early judgment on the part of listeners.

Hearing Impairment Still another barrier is the physiological one of hearing impairment. People with hearing loss differ greatly in their hearing ability: Some are totally deaf and can hear nothing, others have some hearing loss and can hear some sounds, and still others have impaired hearing but can hear most speech. Although people with profound hearing loss can speak, their speech may appear labored and may be less clear than the speech of those with unimpaired hearing. Table 6.3 provides some suggestions for more effective com- munication between people who hear well and those who have hearing problems.

Table 6.4 provides a brief summary of these barriers.

If you have unimpaired hearing:

Generally Specifically

Avoid interference. Make sure the visual cues from your speech are clearly observable; face the person squarely and avoid smoking, chewing gum, or holding your hand over your mouth.

Speak at an adequate volume. But avoid shouting, which can distort your speech and may insult the person. Be careful to avoid reducing volume at the ends of your sentences.

Phrase ideas in different ways. Because some words are easier to lip-read than others, it often helps if you can rephrase your ideas in different words.

Avoid overlapping speech. In group situations, only one person should speak at a time. Similarly, direct your comments to the per- son with the hearing loss; don’t talk to the person through a third party.

Use nonverbal cues. Nonverbals can help communicate your meaning; gestures indicating size or location and facial expres- sions indicating feelings are often helpful.

Address the person. Even if there’s a sign language interpreter, address your comments to the person to whom you’re

speaking, not to the interpreter.

If you have impaired hearing:

Do your best to eliminate background noise.

Reduce the distance between yourself and the other person. Reduce background noise. Make sure the lighting is adequate.

Move closer to the speaker if this helps you hear better.

Alert the speaker that this closer distance will help you hear better.

Ask for adjustments. If you feel the speaker can make adjustments, ask the speaker to repeat a message, to speak more slowly, or to increase volume.

Position yourself for best reception. If you hear better in one ear than another, position yourself accordingly and, if necessary, clue the speaker in to this fact.

Ask for additional cues. If necessary, ask the speaker to write down certain information, such as phone numbers or website addresses.

SOURCES: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of sources, including the websites of the Rochester Institute of Technology, the National Technical Institute for the Deaf, and the United States Department of Labor, and the suggestions of Professor Paul Siegel of the University of Hartford. All accessed February 25, 2017.

Table 6.3 Improving Effective Communication between People with and without Hearing Difficulties

Barrier Reasons

Distractions Distractions can be both physical and mental and take your mind away from the message.

Biases and prejudices These prevent you from listening openly and critically, especially to differences of opinion and belief.

Racism, heterosexism, ageism, and sexism

As with biases in general, these prejudices will serve as filters, preventing you from receiving accurate messages.

Lack of appropriate focus Failure to focus on the essentials of the message and perhaps becoming diverted by small details often will waste your time.

Premature judgments Premature judgments will lead you to hear the message you want to hear instead of the message as intended.

Hearing impairment Hearing loss can distort or even prevent messages from being heard.

Table 6.4 In a Nutshell Listening Barriers

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Styles of Effective Listening 6.3 Define the four styles of listening and explain how each may be used effectively.

Listening is situational (Brownell, 2013). The way you listen should depend on the situation you’re in. For example, you don’t listen to a State of the Union address in the same way that you listen to Jimmy Fallon’s monologue. You don’t listen to a friend’s relationship breakup story in the same way you listen to a person giving you directions for completing a task or to get to your desired destination.

At the least, you need to adjust your listening on the basis of (1) your purposes (for example, are you listening to learn? to give comfort? to judge?) and (2) your knowledge of and relationship to the other person (is this person prone to exaggeration? or does this person need support?) (Figure 6.2).

As a listener, you have, at a minimum, these two ethical obligations:

1. You owe it to the speaker to give an honest hearing, without prejudgment, putting aside prejudices and preconceptions as best you can. At the same time, you owe the speaker your best effort at understanding emotionally as well as intellectually what he or she means.

2. You owe the speaker honest responses. Just as you should be honest with the listener when speaking, you should be honest with the speaker when listening. This means giving open and honest feedback, and also reflecting honestly on the questions that the speaker raises. This suggestion will appear insensitive or unacceptable in many cultures where polite responses are expected regardless of what you really think.

ETHICS IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Ethical Listening

Ethical Choice Points What would you do in each of these two situations?

(a) Your friend begins revealing deeply personal secrets—problems at home, a lack of money, no friends, and on and on. You don’t want to hear all this; it depresses you. At the same time, however, you won- der if you have an ethical obligation to listen openly and respond honestly to your friend. What would you do in this situation?

(b) At work, you’re listening to a colleague (who you know is lying) criticize another colleague. What are your ethical obligations in a situation like this?

A key quality of being a good communicator is being a good listener. It takes a good listener to understand what is really being said, what is left unsaid, what the pauses and silence indicate, what appears biased, and which statements contradict the accompanying body language. The following statements are based on listening styles discussed in this chapter. Examine your listening style by responding to each statement using the following scale:

5 = always, 4 = frequently, 3 = sometimes, 2 = rarely, 1 = never.

____ 1. My friend endlessly complains about how things are going in her life. I listen to her, ask her relevant questions, and help her think deeper about the cause of her dissatisfaction.

____ 2. I often cry when I hear a sad story.

____ 3. I heard a convict confess to his crimes but surprisingly I felt sorry for him.

____ 4. I listened to my colleague when he explained his predicament and offered logical, unemotional advice.

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Empathic Listening If you’re going to understand what a person means and what a person is feeling, you need to listen with some degree of empathy; you need to engage in empathic listening (Rogers, 1970; Rogers & Farson, 1981). To empathize with others is to see the world as they see it, to feel what they feel. When you listen empathically as a neighbor tells of having her apartment burgled and all her prized possessions taken, you can share on some level the loss and emptiness she feels. Only when you achieve empathy can you fully understand another person’s meaning. Empathic listening will also help you enhance your relationships (Barrett & Godfrey, 1988; Snyder, 1992).

One potential danger: over-empathizing with another’s feelings can lead you to lose control over your own feelings (Stern & Divecha, 2015). It’s important to remem- ber that with effective empathy, you feel what the other is feeling but retain your own thoughts and feelings.

In empathic listening, keep the following recommendations in mind.

Figure 6.2 Four Listening Styles

Listening styles

Empathic

Polite

Critical

Active

____ 5. I found the host’s talk utterly boring, but still nodded sweetly to show my interest.

____ 6. I listened to my consultant and observed several discrepancies in his views.

____ 7. I looked at my neighbor while he spoke and observed from his body language that his disease was worse than he stated it to be.

____ 8. I often get distracted and use my mobile phone when my grandparents are offering me advice.

____ 9. I don’t have the patience to ponder over what people say to me. If they want me to act on something, they should state it clearly; else be prepared that I will not pick up any hints about doing something.

____ 10. I often interrupt my partner even while he/she is talking about something really relevant to me.

High scores (4s and 5s) in statements 1 to 7 indicate listening skills that are active, empa- thetic, critical, and nonjudgmental. High scores (4s and 5s) in statements 8 to 10 reveal examples of impolite and surface listening. Your responses could vary depending on the situation. Think of the situations where you are a good listener and where you’re not.

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• See from the speaker’s point of view. See the sequence of events as the speaker does, and try to figure out how this perspective can influence what the speaker says and does.

• Engage in equal, two-way conversation. To encourage openness and empathy, try to eliminate any physical or psychological barriers to equality. For example, step from behind the large desk separating you from your employees. Avoid interrupt- ing the speaker—a sign that you think what you have to say is more important.

• Seek to understand both thoughts and feelings. Don’t consider your listening task finished until you’ve understood what the speaker is feeling as well as what he or she is thinking.

Listening with empathy and especially responding with empathy are not always easy. Here, for example, are five possible responses to the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” Assume that the two individuals are close friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances. Assume that they are two women, two men, or a woman and a man—select the genders as you wish. Read over each statement and consider why each is a non-empathic response. After reading these, try formulating your own empathic response.

Some Responses Comments

Response 1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s all in your head. This research—it was done at the University of Illinois—showed that the . . . .

This statement is non-empathic because it deper- sonalizes the issue. It moves the conversation away from the person and the person’s feel- ings by intellectualizing the person’s feelings of depression.

Response 2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now that’s depression.

The lack of empathy is shown here in minimizing or lessening the importance of what the person is thinking and feeling.

Response 3: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s go and have some fun.

This type of problem-solving response also mini- mizes the feelings of the person by offering a quick fix and does nothing to encourage the per- son to explore his or her feelings.

Response 4: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?

This type of response refocuses the conversation and shifts the focus from the person speaking to oneself.

Response 5: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off the roof.

This type of response is a good example of “cata- strophizing” or “awfulizing,” making the problem seem even worse than it probably is and likely increasing the person’s depression.

Polite Listening Politeness is often thought of as the exclusive function of the speaker, as solely an encoding or sending function. But politeness (or impoliteness) may also be signaled through listening (Fuku- shima, 2000).

Of course, there are times when you would not want to listen politely (for example, if some- one is being verbally abusive or condescending or using racist or sexist language). In these cases, you might want to show your disapproval by showing that you’re not even listening. But most often you’ll want to listen politely, and you’ll want to express this politeness through your listening behavior.

Here are a few suggestions for demonstrating that you are, in fact, listening politely. As you read

VIEWPOINTS Negative Empathy

There is some evidence to show that empathy can also have a negative side. For example, the more empathy you feel toward your own racial and ethnic group, the less empathy— possibly even the more hostility— you feel toward other groups. The same empathy that increases your understanding of your own group decreases your understanding of other groups (Angier, 1995b). Have you ever experienced or witnessed these negative effects of empathy?

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these strategies, you’ll notice that they are designed to be supportive of the speaker’s positive and negative face needs:

• Avoid interrupting the speaker. Avoid trying to take over the speaker’s turn. Avoid changing the topic. If you must say something in response to something the speaker said and can’t wait until he or she finishes, then say it as briefly as possible and pass the speaker’s turn back to the speaker.

• Give supportive listening cues. These might include nodding your head, giving minimal verbal responses such as “I see” or “yes, it’s true,” or moving closer to the speaker. Listen in a way that demonstrates that what the speaker is saying is important. In some cultures, polite listening cues must be cues of agreement (Japa- nese culture is often used as an example); in other cultures, polite listening cues are attentiveness and support rather than cues of agreement (much of United States culture is an example).

• Show empathy with the speaker. Demonstrate that you understand and feel the speaker’s thoughts and feelings by giving responses that show this level of under- standing—smiling or cringing or otherwise echoing the feelings of the speaker. If you echo the speaker’s nonverbal expressions, your behavior is likely to be seen as empathic.

• Maintain eye contact. In much of the United States, this is perhaps the single most important rule. If you don’t maintain eye contact when someone is talking to you, then you’ll appear to be not listening and definitely not listening politely. This rule, however, does not hold true in all cultures. In some Latin and Asian cultures, polite listening would consist of looking down and avoiding direct eye contact when, for example, listening to a superior or much older person.

• Give positive feedback. Throughout the listening encounter and perhaps especially after the speaker’s turn (when you continue the conversation as you respond to what the speaker has said), positive feedback will be seen as polite and negative feedback as impolite. If you must give negative feedback, then do so in a way that does not attack the person’s negative face, for example, first mention areas of agreement or what you liked about what the person said and stress your good intentions. And, most important, do it in private. Public criticism is especially threatening and will surely be seen as a personal attack.

The ubiquity of the cell phone and texting has led to enormous increases in com- munication, but it has also created problems, many of which are problems of politeness. Because much use occurs in public spaces, people often are forced to listen to conversa- tions that don’t involve them or to lose your attention when you send or respond to a text message. Table 6.5 offers some suggestions for using cell phones politely.

General Rule Adjustments

Avoid using cell phones where inappropriate.

If you must make or take a call when in these various situations, excuse yourself and try to move to a less public area. Specifically: Avoid calls in restaurants, hospitals, theaters, museums, commuter buses or trains, and the classroom.

Avoid texting when in a group.

If the text is especially important, apologize for the inconvenience. Specifically: Unless the text message concerns everyone and will be shared, avoid making everyone wait until you’re finished.

Silence your cell. When you can’t avoid taking a call, speak as quietly as possible and ask to call back at a better time. Specifically: Put your phone on vibrate mode, or let your voicemail answer and take a message when your call might interfere with others.

Avoid unwanted photo taking.

Of course, if there’s an accident or incident such as robbery, you may want to photograph the events. Specifically: Don’t take pictures of people who aren’t posing for you, and delete photos if the person you photographed requests it.

Avoid extended talking when your reception is weak.

In an emergency, caution trumps politeness. Specifically: Talking on your cell on a crowded street will probably result in poor reception, which is annoying to the other person.

Consider the other person.

As with any phone call, it’s wise to ask if this is a good time to call—a strategy that helps maintain the autonomy (nega- tive face) of the person you’re calling. Specifically: It’s easy to assume that when you have nothing better to do, the person you’re calling also has nothing better to do.

Table 6.5 Cell Phone Etiquette

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Critical Listening In many listening situations, you’ll need to exercise critical evaluation or judgment. When you engage in critical listening, you think logically and dispassionately about, for example, the stories your friends tell you or the sales pitch of the car dealer. Listen- ing with an open mind will help you understand the messages better; listening with a critical mind will help you analyze and evaluate the messages. In listening critically, focus on the following guidelines:

• Keep an open mind. Avoid prejudging. Delay your judgments until you fully under- stand both the content and the intention the speaker is communicating. Avoid either positive or negative evaluation until you have a reasonably complete under- standing. Even when a friend tells you he or she did something you disapprove of, keeping an open mind requires that you withhold making value judgments (in your mind as well as in your responses) that can get in the way of your understanding your friend.

Politeness, in both speaking and in listening, refers to being civil to others, having consideration for others. It refers to being positive and kind and at the same time not imposing on people.

THE CULTURAL MAP Politeness

If you were with a group of fellow students you just met and one of them made a factual error, would you offer a correction (believing that errors need to be corrected) or would you ignore it (believing it’s more important to allow the other person to not be embarrassed, to save face)? Is your choice based on your cultural beliefs about relationships and politeness?

These countries are among the most strongly a�liated with high individualism, making politeness and face-saving less important, whether at school, at work, or at home, compared to collectivist cultures where interpersonal relationships are more valued and nurtured (often through politeness).

These countries are among the most strongly a�liated with high collectivism, making politeness and face saving very important. And not surprisingly, the social consequences and negative impressions will be greater for those being impolite in collectivist cultures.

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• Avoid filtering out or oversimplifying complex messages. Similarly, avoid filter- ing out undesirable messages. Clearly, you don’t want to hear that something you believe is untrue, that people you care for are unkind, or that ideals you hold are self-destructive. Yet it’s important that you reexamine your beliefs by listening to these messages.

• Recognize your own biases. These may interfere with accurate listening and cause you to distort message reception through a process of assimilation—the tendency to integrate and interpret what you hear or think you hear according to your own biases, prejudices, and expectations.

• Combat the tendency to sharpen—to highlight, emphasize, and perhaps embellish one or two aspects of a message. Often the concepts that we tend to sharpen are inci- dental remarks that somehow stand out from the rest of the message. Be careful, there- fore, about sharpening your blind date’s “Thank you, I had a nice time” and assuming that the date was a big success—while ignoring the signs that it was just so-so, such as the lack of eye contact, the awkward silences, and the cell phone interruptions.

• Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages. Recognize both consistent and incon- sistent “packages” of messages, and use these as guides for drawing inferences about the speaker’s meaning. Ask questions when in doubt. Listen also to what is omitted. Remember that speakers communicate by what they leave out as well as by what they include. When Jack says things will be okay now that his relationship is finally over but says it with downcast eyes, deep breathing, and clenched hands, consider the possibility that Jack is really hurting and that things are not okay.

• Watch out for language fallacies. Language is often used to serve less than noble purposes, to convince or persuade you without giving you any reasons, and some- times to fool you. Table 6.6 presents four language fallacies that often get in the way of meaningful communication and need to be identified in critical listening. Often these fallacies are used to fool you; they are ways in which language can be used to serve less than noble purposes, to convince or persuade you without giving you any reasons. After reviewing this table, examine some of the commercial websites for clothing, books, music, or any such product you’re interested in. You’ll find lots of examples of these fallacies.

Active Listening One of the most important communication skills you can learn is that of active listening (Gordon, 1975). Consider the following interaction. You’re disappointed that you have to redo your entire budget report, and you say, “I can’t believe I have to redo this entire

VIEWPOINTS Listening Politely

Much of the thinking and research on listening and politeness have focused on face-to-face communication. How would you describe listening politeness on social network sites? Are the same principles applicable, or do we need an entirely different set to describe social networking listening politeness?

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report. I really worked hard on this project, and now I have to do it all over again.” To this you get three different responses:

Apollo: That’s not so bad; most people find they have to redo their first reports. That’s the norm here.

AthenA: You should be pleased that all you have to do is a simple rewrite. Peggy and Michael both had to completely redo their entire projects.

DiAnA: You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the past three weeks? You sound really angry and frustrated.

All three listeners are probably trying to make you feel better. But they go about it in very different ways and, we can be sure, with very different results. Apollo tries to lessen the significance of the rewrite. This type of well-intended response is extremely common but does little to promote meaningful communication and understanding. Athena tries to give the situation a positive spin. With these responses, however, both these listeners are also suggesting that you should not be feeling the way you do. They’re also implying that your feelings are not legitimate and should be replaced with more logical feelings.

Diana’s response, however, is different from the others. Diana uses active listening. Active listening owes its development to Thomas Gordon (1975), who made it a corner- stone of his P-E-T (Parent Effectiveness Training) technique; it is a process of sending back to the speaker what you as a listener think the speaker meant—both in content and in feelings. Active listening, then, is not merely repeating the speaker’s exact words but rather putting together into some meaningful whole your understanding of the speaker’s total message.

Functions of Active Listening Active listening serves several important functions. Perhaps the most obvious function is that active listening enables you to check under- standing. It helps you as a listener check your understanding of what the speaker said and, more important, what he or she meant. Reflecting back perceived meanings to the speaker gives the speaker an opportunity to offer clarification and correct any misunderstandings.

A second function is to let the speaker know that you acknowledge and accept his or her feelings. In the sample responses given, the first two listeners challenged your feelings. Diana, the active listener, who reflected back to you what she thought you

Fallacy Notes Example

Weasel words are terms whose mean- ings are slippery and difficult to pin down (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1989).

Weasel words (and terms) include “help,” “virtu- ally,” “as much as,” “like” (as in “it will make you feel like new”), and “more economical.” Ask yourself, “Exactly what is being claimed?” For example, “What does ‘may reduce cholesterol’ mean? What exactly is being asserted?”

A commercial claims that Medicine M works “better than Brand X” but doesn’t specify how much better or in what respect Medicine M per- forms better. It’s quite possible that it performs better in one respect but less effectively accord- ing to nine other measures.

Euphemisms make the negative and unpleasant appear positive and appealing.

Euphemisms often take the form of inflated lan- guage designed to make the mundane seem extraordinary, the common seem exotic. Don’t let words get in the way of accurate firsthand perception.

An executive calls the firing of 200 workers “downsizing” or “reallocation of resources.”

Jargon is the specialized language of a professional class.

Jargon prevents meaningful communication when it is used to intimidate or impress; for example when it is used around people who aren’t members of the same profession. Don’t be intimidated by jargon; ask questions when you don’t understand.

A computer coder explains the HTML coding of a website to a philosophy student.

Gobbledygook is overly complex lan- guage that overwhelms the listener instead of communicating meaning.

Some people just normally speak in complex lan- guage. But others use complexity to confuse and mislead. Ask for simplification when appropriate.

An academic scholar speaks in long sentences, complex grammatical constructions, and rare or unfamiliar words.

Table 6.6 Recognizing Fallacies of Language

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meant, accepted what you were feeling. In addition, she also explicitly identified your emotions; she commented that you sounded “angry and frustrated,” allowing you an opportunity to correct her interpre- tation if necessary. Do be careful, however, to avoid sending what Gordon (1975) calls “solution messages.” Solution messages tell the person how he or she should feel or what he or she should do. The four types of messages that send solutions and that you’ll want to avoid in your active listening are (1) ordering messages—Do this . . . , Don’t touch that . . . ; (2) warning and threatening messages—If you don’t do this, you’ll . . . , If you do this, you’ll . . . ; (3) preaching and moralizing messages— People should all . . . , We all have responsibili- ties . . . ; and (4) advising messages—Why don’t you . . . , What I think you should do is . . . .

A third function is to encourage the speaker to explore his or her feelings and thoughts. For example, Diana’s response encourages you to elaborate on your feelings. This opportu- nity to elaborate also helps you deal with your feelings by talking them through.

Techniques of Active Listening Three simple techniques may help you succeed in active listening:

• Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning. Stating in your own words what you think the speaker means and feels can help ensure understanding and also shows interest in the speaker. Paraphrasing gives the speaker a chance to extend what was originally said. Thus, when Diana echoes your thoughts, you’re given the opportunity to elabo- rate on why rewriting the budget report is so daunting to you. Be especially careful not to lead the speaker in the direction you think he or she should go. Also, be careful that you don’t overdo it; only a very small percentage of statements need paraphras- ing. Paraphrase when you feel there’s a chance for misunderstanding or when you want to express support for the other person and keep the conversation going.

• Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings. In addition to paraphrasing the content, echo the feelings the speaker expressed or implied (“You must have felt horrible”). This expression of feelings will help you further check your perception of the speaker’s feelings. This also will allow the speaker to see his or her feel- ings more objectively—especially helpful when they’re feelings of anger, hurt, or depression—and to elaborate on these feelings.

• Ask questions. Asking questions strengthens your own understanding of the speak- er’s thoughts and feelings and elicits additional information (“How did you feel when you read your job appraisal report?”). Ask questions to provide just enough stimulation and support so the speaker will feel he or she can elaborate on these thoughts and feelings. These questions should further confirm your interest and concern for the speaker but not pry into unrelated areas or challenge the speaker in any way.

Consider this dialogue and note the active listening techniques used throughout:

pAt: That jerk demoted me. He told me I wasn’t an effective manager. I can’t believe he did that, after all I’ve done for this place.

Chris: I’m with you. You’ve been manager for three or four months now, haven’t you?

VIEWPOINTS Remembering Names

Research finds that names are generally difficult to remember, more difficult than a person’s job, hobbies, or home town (Dean, 2011c). If you too have difficulty remembering names, why do you think this is so? And, more important, what can you do about it?

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pAt: A little over three months. I know it was probationary, but I thought I was doing a good job.

Chris: Can you get another chance?

pAt: Yes, he said I could try again in a few months. But I feel like a failure.

Chris: I know what you mean. It sucks. What else did he say?

pAt: He said I had trouble getting the paperwork done on time.

Chris: You’ve been late filing the reports?

pAt: A few times.

Chris: Is there a way to delegate the paperwork?

pAt: No, but I think I know now what needs to be done.

Chris: You sound as though you’re ready to give that manager’s position another try.

pAt: Yes, I think I am, and I’m going to let him know that I intend to apply in the next few months.

Even in this brief interaction, Pat has moved from unproductive anger and feelings of failure to a determination to correct an unpleasant situation. Note, too, that Chris didn’t offer solutions but “simply” listened actively.

Table 6.7 presents a brief summary of the four styles of listening along with their goals and strategies.

Styles and Goals Strategies

Empathic listening: to understand on an emotional level the meanings of the other person

• See the situation from the speaker’s point of view.

• Engage in equal, two-way conversation.

• Seek to understand both thoughts and feelings.

Polite listening: to respect the other’s positive face and his or her right to auton- omy (negative face)

• Avoid interrupting the speaker.

• Give supportive listening cues.

• Maintain eye contact.

• Give positive feedback.

Critical listening: to separate truth from falsehood, accuracy from inaccuracy

• Keep an open mind.

• Avoid filtering out or oversimplifying complex messages.

• Recognize your own biases.

• Combat the tendency to sharpen.

• Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages.

• Watch out for language fallacies.

Active listening: to check your under- standing, to acknowledge your accep- tance of the other person’s feelings, and to stimulate the speaker to talk about things as needed

• Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning.

• Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings.

• Ask questions.

Table 6.7 In a Nutshell Listening Styles

Culture, Gender, and Listening 6.4 Describe some of the cultural and gender differences in listening.

Listening is difficult in part because of the inevitable differences in communication systems between speaker and listener. Because each person has had a unique set of experiences, each person’s meaning system is different from every other person’s. When speaker and listener come from different cultures or are of different genders, these dif- ferences and their effects are naturally much greater. Consider culture first.

Peter, your client, says, “I noticed your excellent work for Marsters Associates.” How do you react?

a. Thank your client for the praise and tell him how hard you have worked.

b. Smile and say that you always do good work.

c. Listen to your client and realize that what he actually means is that you are not doing sufficient work for his firm.

d. Reassure him that you will do equally good work for him as well.

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Listening Actively

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Culture and Listening In a global environment in which people from very different cultures work together, it’s especially important to understand the ways in which cultural differences can influence listening. Three such factors may be singled out: (1) language and speech, (2) nonverbal behaviors, and (3) feedback.

Language and Speech Even when speaker and listener speak the same language, they speak it with different meanings and, as noted earlier, with different dialects and accents. No two speakers speak exactly the same language. Speakers of the same lan- guage, at the very least, have different meanings for the same terms because they have had different experiences.

Speakers and listeners who speak different native languages and who may have learned English as a second language have even greater differences in meaning. Trans- lations never fully capture the meaning in the other language. If your meaning for the word house was learned in a culture in which everyone lived in their own house with lots of land around it, then communicating with someone for whom the meaning of house was learned in a neighborhood of high-rise tenements is going to be difficult. Although you’ll each hear the same word, the meanings you’ll each develop will be drastically different. In adjusting your listening—especially in an intercultural setting— understand that the speaker’s meanings may be very different from yours even though you’re speaking in the same language.

In many classrooms throughout the world, there is a wide range of accents. Stu- dents whose native language is a tonal one (in which differences in pitch signal impor- tant meaning differences), such as Chinese, may speak other languages such as English with variations in pitch that may seem puzzling to others. Those whose native language

UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Openness: Willingness to Disclose and be Honest

honesty—though also with an awareness of what you’re saying and of what the possible outcomes of your mes- sages might be.

• Communicate a clear willingness to listen. Let the other person know that you’re open to listening to his or her thoughts and feelings.

• Use active listening techniques. Paraphrase, express understanding, ask questions.

• Use nonverbal messages to signal interest. Focus your eye contact, move closer, block out other nearby activities.

• Use feedback cues. Nod, give minimal listening cues such as “yes” or “I see what you mean,” give facial and eye move- ment cues that say you understand.

Working with Openness How would you describe your face-to-face communica- tion and your social networking communication with casual friends or acquaintances in terms of openness? Are there significant differences in openness in your face-to-face versus online communication? If so, what might be the reasons?

Openness in interpersonal communication refers to your will- ingness to self-disclose—to reveal information about yourself as appropriate. Openness also includes a willingness to listen openly and to react honestly to the messages of others. This does not mean that openness is always appropriate. In fact, too much openness is likely to lead to a decrease in your relationship satisfaction (Dindia & Timmerman, 2003).

Openness is almost always appreciated and valued over closed-mindedness in both face-to-face and online communi- cation. According to Match.com, those who showed openness had higher contact rates than those who didn’t display open- ness (Roper, 2014).

Communicating with Openness To communicate openness, consider these few ideas:

• Self-disclose when appropriate. Be mindful about what- ever you say about yourself. There are benefits and dangers to this form of communication. And listen carefully to the disclosures of others; these reciprocal disclosures (or the lack of them) will help guide your own disclosures.

• Listen mindfully. And respond to those with whom you’re interacting with spontaneity and with appropriate

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is Japanese may have trouble distinguishing l from r in English, for example, because the Japanese language does not include this distinction. In these cases, the native language acts as a filter and influences the accent given to the second language.

Nonverbal Behaviors Speakers from different cultures have dif- ferent display rules—cultural rules that govern what nonverbal behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate in a public setting. As you listen to other people, you also “listen” to their nonverbal cues. If nonverbals are drastically different from what you expect on the basis of the verbal message, you may experience them as a kind of noise or interference, or even as contradictory messages. Also, of course, different cultures may give very different meanings to the same nonverbal gesture. For example, the thumb and forefinger forming a circle means “okay” in most of the United States, but it means “money” in Japan, “zero” in some Mediterranean countries, and “I’ll kill you” in Tunisia.

Feedback Members of some cultures give very direct and very frank feedback. Speakers from these cultures—the United States is

a good example—expect feedback to be an honest reflection of what their listeners are feeling. In other cultures—Japan and Korea are good examples—it’s more important to be positive than to be truthful, so people may respond with positive feedback (say, in commenting on a business colleague’s proposal) even though they don’t agree with what is being said. Listen to feedback, as you would all messages, with a full recogni- tion that various cultures view feedback very differently.

Gender and Listening Men and women learn different styles of listening, just as they learn different styles for using verbal and nonverbal messages. Not surprisingly, these different styles can create major difficulties in opposite-sex interpersonal communication.

Rapport and Report Talk According to Deborah Tannen (1990) in her best-selling You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, women seek to build rapport and establish closer relationships, and they use listening to achieve these ends. Men, on the other hand, emphasize their expertise and use it in dominating the interaction. They talk about things; they report. Women play down their expertise and are more interested

in talking about feelings and relationships and in communicating supportiveness. Tannen argues that the goal of a man in conversation is to be given respect, so he seeks to show his knowledge and exper- tise. A woman, on the other hand, seeks to be liked, so she expresses agreement.

Listening Cues Men and women feed back to the speaker different types of lis- tening cues and consequently show that they’re listening in different ways. In con- versation, a woman is more apt to give lots of listening cues—interjecting “yeah” or “uh-huh,” nodding in agreement, and smiling. A man is more likely to listen qui- etly, without giving lots of listening cues as feedback. Women also make more eye

A classmate says to you, “I got a C on that paper. That’s the worst grade I’ve ever received. I just can’t believe that I got a C. This is my major. What am I going to do?” What might be appropriate to say?

a. “So what? I got a D and you don’t hear me complaining.”

b. “Grades don’t matter in the real world.”

c. “That professor is crazy; there’s no logic to these grades.”

d. “You got a C? That’s insane; you’re the best student in the class.”

e. Other

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT Listening without Judging

VIEWPOINTS Gender Differences

What do you see as the major differences between the ways in which men and women listen? Consider, for example, men listening to men, men listening to women, women listening to men, and women listening to women.

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contact when listening than do men, who are more apt to look around and often away from the speaker (Brownell, 2013). As a result of these differences, women seem to be more engaged in listening than do men.

Amount and Purposes of Listening Tannen argues that men listen less to women than women listen to men. The reason, says Tannen, is that listening places the person in an inferior position, whereas speaking places the person in a superior position. Men may seem to assume a more argumentative posture while listening, as if getting ready to argue. They also may appear to ask questions that are more argumentative or that seek to puncture holes in your position as a way to play up their own expertise. Women are more likely to ask supportive questions and perhaps offer criticism that is more positive than men. Men and women act this way to both men and women; their customary ways of talking don’t seem to change depending on whether the listener is male or female.

It’s important to note that not all researchers agree that there is sufficient evidence to make the claims that Tannen and others make about gender differences (Goldsmith & Fulfs, 1999). Gender differences are changing drastically and quickly; it’s best to take generalizations about gender as starting points for investigation and not as airtight conclusions (Gamble & Gamble, 2014). Further, as you no doubt have observed, gender differences—although significant—are far outnumbered by similarities between males and females. It’s important to be mindful of both differences and similarities.

Table 6.8 provides a reminder of some of the topics that research has investigated in regard to cultural and gender differences in listening.

Cultural Differences Gender Differences

Language and Speech: meanings vary from one language to another as well as from one dialect to another

Rapport and Report: women emphasize rapport, men emphasize report

Nonverbal Behaviors: different cultures assign different meanings to the same non- verbal behavior

Listening Cues: women give more

Feedback: cultures vary in the directness and honesty of feedback

Amount and Purposes: some evidence suggests men listen less as a way of asserting superiority

Table 6.8 In a Nutshell Culture and Gender

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The Process of Listening 6.1 Define listening, describe its five stages, and identify

some of the skills for improving listening at each stage.

1. Listening is an active process of receiving, under- standing, remembering, evaluating, and responding to communications.

2. Listening enables you (1) to learn, to acquire infor- mation; (2) to relate, to help form and maintain rela- tionships; (3) to influence, to have an effect on the attitudes and behaviors of others; (4) to play, to enjoy yourself; and (5) to help, to assist others.

Listening Barriers 6.2 Explain the major barriers to effective listening.

3. Both listener and speaker share in the responsibility for effective listening.

4. Among the obstacles to effective listening are physi- cal and mental distractions; biases and prejudices; racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist listening; lack of appropriate focus; premature judgment, and hearing impairment.

Styles of Effective Listening 6.3 Define the four styles of listening and explain how

each may be used effectively.

5. Listen empathically to understand on an emotional level the meanings of the other person.

6. Listen politely to be supportive and encourage the speaker to communicate.

7. Listen critically to separate truth from falsehood, accuracy from inaccuracy.

8. Listen actively to check your understanding, to acknowledge your acceptance of the other person’s feelings, and to stimulate the speaker to talk about them as needed.

Culture, Gender, and Listening 6.4 Describe some of the cultural and gender differences

in listening.

9. Members of different cultures vary on several com- munication dimensions that influence listening, among them speech and language, nonverbal behav- ioral differences, and approaches to feedback.

10. Men and women appear to listen differently; gener- ally, women give more specific listening cues to show they’re listening than do men.

This chapter focused on the nature and process of listening and the relevant skills, the barriers to effective listening and how these might be lessened, the varied styles of listening and their relevant skills, and the influence of culture and gender on listening.

Summary

Key Terms active listening closed-mindedness critical listening disclaimer display rules

empathic listening empathy evaluating listening long-term memory

receiving remembering responding short-term memory understanding

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