1.4 Week One Reflection
MikeBTheGreat
DEVELOPMING-YOUR-CONFLICT-COMPETENCE-LEADER.zipDEVELOPMING YOUR CONFLICT COMPETENCE LEADER.pdf
Developing Your Confl ict Competence
is a practical book that offers a hands-
on resource for leaders, managers, team
members, and everyone within an organiza-
tion who wants to sharpen their skills and
learn to respond to confl ict with confi dence.
This third book in the “confl ict competent”
series is fi lled with tips, checklists, exercis-
es, and illustrative stories that offer insight
into the nature of confl ict and show how to
handle confl ict successfully.
Throughout the book, authors Craig
Runde and Tim Flanagan outline a con-
crete process for dealing with unavoid-
able workplace tensions and present a
series of thought-provoking questions and
self-diagnostics. Developing Your Confl ict
Competence is a comprehensive guide to
managing disagreements, differences, and
discord. It shows how an individual can
practically help others deal with confl icts
that are causing friction within an organiza-
tion. Runde and Flanagan also give down-
to-earth advice for dealing with discord
within teams. They show how teams can
establish norms for handling confl ict by
creating the right climate for discussing
issues and using effective communications
techniques. On a more global level, the
(Continues on back fl ap)
Craig E. Runde is director of the Center for
Confl ict Dynamics at Eckerd College.
Tim A. Flanagan is director of Custom Pro-
grams at the Leadership Development Institute
at Eckerd College.
Runde and Flanagan are the authors of
Building Confl ict Competent Teams and
Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader (both
from Jossey-Bass). Visit the authors’ web site at
www.confl ictcompetent.com.
The Center for Creative Leadership (CCL®)
is a top-ranked, global provider of executive
education that develops better leaders through
its exclusive focus on leadership education and
research. Founded in 1970 as a nonprofi t, edu-
cational institution, CCL helps clients worldwide
cultivate creative leadership—the capacity to
achieve more than imagined by thinking and
acting beyond boundaries—through an array of
programs, products, and other services.
Praise for Developing Your Confl ict Competence
“A must-have guidebook for the new age of global business. This book shows every leader how to turn feelings of fear into feelings of safety, suspicion into trust, and competitiveness into collaboration.”
—Jim Kouzes, coauthor of the best-selling book The Leadership Challenge and Dean’s Executive Professor of Leadership, Leavey School of Business, Santa Clara University
“Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan use their vast experience to give us Developing Your Confl ict Competence. Move beyond negative workplace confl ict to positive and constructive outcomes with the simple tools and suggestions in this must-read fi eld guide!”
—Marshall Goldsmith, best-selling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Succession: Are You Ready?, and the upcoming MOJO
“Runde and Flanagan have taken their Confl ict Competence Model to the next level. Their basic tenets of con- fl ict competence: cool down, slow down, and engage constructively are proven techniques for moving from confl ict to collaboration. Whether you are a manager, team leader, trainer, or simply interested in self-improve- ment, this is a must-have book for enhancing your confl ict competence.”
—Ed Nolan, managing director, Learning and Organizational Development, AAA Auto Club South
“The quintessential guide to leveraging confl ict for positive outcomes. Full of practical tools and examples, it is a must-have on your bookshelf.”
—Erica Bader Sorrell, executive director, Management and Executive Education, Rollins College
“The hands-on tools outlined in Developing Your Confl ict Competence were instrumental in developing the ability of our refueling outage leadership team to deal with thousands of competing activities, hundreds of temporary employees, and long work hours—a natural recipe for confl ict. As we prepare for future refueling outages, we continue to spread the book’s teachings to our permanent staff and supplemental workforce.”
—Chris Schwarz, site vice president, Palisades Nuclear Power Station Entergy
“I’ve read the authors’ fi rst two books, Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader and Building Confl ict Com- petent Teams. Their latest book pulls it all together by providing models, examples, and thought-provoking insight. It will be required reading for my senior management team.”
—Deborah Jallad, president/chairman, Accredited Surety and Casualty Company, Inc.
P H
O T
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Y M
A T
T H
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R U
N D
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P H
O T
O B
Y R
O N
A L D
C O
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C R A I G E . R U N D E C R A I G E . R U N D E a n da n d T I M A . F L A N A G A NT I M A . F L A N A G A N
a u t h o r s o f B e c o m i n g a C o n f l i c t C o m p e t e n t L e a d e r
DEVELOPING DEVELOPING YOUR CONFLICT YOUR CONFLICT
COMPETENCECOMPETENCE
D E
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L O
P IN
G Y
O U
R C
O N
F L
IC T
C O
M P
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C E
A Hands-On Guide for LEADERS, MANAGERS,
FACILITATORS, and TEAMS
THE CENTER FOR CREATIVE LEADERSHIP Ranked in the Top 5 Worldwide for Executive Education by BusinessWeek
M O R E C O N T E N T I N C L U D E D O N T H E I N T E R N E T
“An amazingly comprehensive collection of designs, options, examples, and techniques on how to move from confl ict avoidance to constructive resolution.”
—Jim Kouzes, coauthor, The Leadership Challenge Confl ict is inevitable in any
organization. Successful leaders
know that if confl ict is embraced
rather than avoided it can lead
to fresh opportunities, solutions,
and results.
R U
N D
E
F L
A N
A G
A N
(Continued from front fl ap)
authors present specifi c approaches for
changing organizational culture so confl ict
can be addressed with effectiveness and
immediacy.
Developing Your Confl ict Competence
demonstrates how anyone confronted with
confl ict can cool down, slow down, and
engage constructively.
FREE Premium ContentP MANAGEMENT/CONFLICT RESOLUTION
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence
ffirs.indd iffirs.indd i 1/6/10 10:28:16 AM1/6/10 10:28:16 AM
On the Web: Take the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le® With a 1/2 Hour Review Session at a Substantial Discount
The Confl ict Dynamics Profi le® assessment instrument helps you better
understand how you currently respond to workplace confl ict. It enables you
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instrument provides specifi c measures on fi fteen different constructive and
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence A H A N D S - O N G U I D E F O R L E A D E R S ,
M A N A G E R S , F A C I L I T A T O R S , A N D T E A M S
Craig E. Runde Tim A. Flanagan
ffirs.indd iiiffirs.indd iii 1/6/10 10:28:18 AM1/6/10 10:28:18 AM
Copyright © 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.
Material in Chapter 4 from Michelle LeBaron is reprinted with permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Material in Chapter 6 from the International Institute for Confl ict Prevention & Resolution is reprinted with permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or com- pleteness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002.
Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Runde, Craig E. Developing your confl ict competence : a hands-on guide for leaders, managers, facilitators, and teams /Craig E. Runde, Tim A. Flanagan.
p. cm. "A joint publication of the Jossey-Bass business & management series and the Center for Creative Leadership."
Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-50546-5 (cloth)
1. Confl ict management. 2. Interpersonal confl ict. I. Flanagan, Tim A. II. Center for Creative Leadership. III. Title. HD42.R864 2010 658.3'145—dc22 2009044800
Printed in the United States of America THIRD EDITION HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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A Joint Publication of The Jossey-Bass Business & Management Series and The Center for Creative Leadership
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For all those challenged by confl ict (pretty much everyone in the world). May you fi nd new ways to make the best out of differences!
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vii
C O N T E N T S
Preface: What’s a Hands-On Guide and Why Should I Be Interested? ix
1 Introduction 1 2 Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 11 3 The Emotional Side of Confl ict 33 4 Engaging Confl ict Constructively 71 5 Team Confl ict Competence 139 6 Organizational Confl ict Competence 215
Resources 243 References 249 The Authors 253 Index 255 About the Center for Creative Leadership 267
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ftoc.indd viiiftoc.indd viii 12/19/09 12:15:49 PM12/19/09 12:15:49 PM
ixix
P R E F A C E
W H A T ‘ S A H A N D S - O N G U I D E A N D W H Y S H O U L D I B E I N T E R E S T E D ?
Our fi rst two books, Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader and Building Confl ict Competent Teams, generated a good deal of interest (Runde and Flanagan, 2007, 2008). We were pleased with the
reviews and the number of invitations we received to speak and pres-
ent. We were also intrigued by the volume of inquiries from readers
regarding how they could put the principles of confl ict competence
into action.
We had designed Building Confl ict Competent Teams to be user friendly. Our in-
tent was that teams could use portions of it as a handbook as they developed
norms for interaction and encountered the challenges of confl ict. We discovered
that team leaders, coaches, consultants, and trainers loved this notion. We also
found that they wanted even more. Thus, the concept for this book, Developing
Your Confl ict Competence, is unquestioningly one of practicality and usability for
individuals, teams, trainers, facilitators, and coaches.
We didn ’ t enter into this third book in the series lightly. For us, tackling a hands -
on guide means covering the concepts we presented in the fi rst two books without
pure (boring) replication. At the same time, our intent isn ’ t to break much new
ground. Rather, we are committed to providing examples, suggestions, and tools
for embracing the opportunities and meeting the challenges of confl ict. Our goal
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x
is to provide a resource that makes it easier to address confl ict when it occurs. After
all, confl ict is not only inevitable, it also contains elements of diversity, innovation,
and creativity that can result in more satisfying interactions and better solutions.
What this guide is not is an exhaustive review of every step you could take for
every aspect of confl ict possible. We believe it is critical to help you make the most
of your time. Therefore, we decided to err on the side of “ less is more. ” Our focus,
as always, is on actions, behaviors, and steps.
We are indebted to our many friends and colleagues who have contributed
to this book. They are cited specifi cally in the text for their stories and sugges-
tions. Without them, this guide could not exist. We also want to thank our editors
and marketers at Jossey - Bass, without whom this book would never have been
published. Kathe Sweeney, Brian Grimm, Mary Garrett, and Dani Scoville are a
wonderful team who make our job much easier and more pleasant. We ’ d also
like to thank Kathy Runde and “ Mac ” Flanagan for their help in proofing the
manuscript.
In short, our hope is that you will fi nd Developing Your Confl ict Competence
both engaging and useful. The stories and examples come from our own experi-
ences and from practitioners in the fi eld. The tips, suggestions, and tools have
been developed over time and used in a variety of settings. We welcome your
feedback and wish you the very best.
St. Petersburg, Florida Craig E. Runde
December 2009 Tim A. Flanagan
Preface
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1
Introduction
When we talk with leaders, team members, and individual contributors, we find universal agreement that conflict is an inevitable part of organizational life. Survey after survey sup-
ports the notion that confl ict is all around us. In fact, a recent study
by the Center for Creative Leadership found that 85 percent of
leaders experience confl ict on a regular or continual basis (Center
for Creative Leadership, 2009). So the question isn ’ t one of whether
or not you ’ ll experience conflict or how to reduce or avoid it.
Instead, the question is what will you get out of conflict when
it does occur. Depending on how you respond, that something
can be good or bad, constructive or destructive, invigorating or
debilitating.
During nearly all of our presentations, we ask participants what words come to
mind when they think of confl ict. In just a few moments, we collect dozens of
words. Next, we ask the audience how they would characterize most of the words
they shared. The response is always the same: most of the words are negative. A
few of the words, though, such as opportunity or interesting, are positive. This
tells us a couple of things. First, the vast majority of people experience confl ict
as negative. Second, there is also a natural, albeit infrequent, response to con-
fl ict that is favorable. Next, we ask the audience how they learned to deal with
confl ict. Many say they followed the lead of models (most of them poor models).
Others say that they just tried to avoid or minimize confl ict when it happened.
� c h a p t e r
O N E
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence2
Finally, when we ask how their “ confl ict education ” has worked out, we usually
hear a smattering of nervous laughter.
We can virtually guarantee that using traditional approaches to dealing with
confl ict (avoidance, minimizing, “ eye for an eye, ” and so on) will result in the same
poor outcomes that generate the negative words most associate with confl ict. It
simply doesn ’ t have to be this way. Rather, it is possible to prepare for and respond
to confl ict in ways that reduce the negative or harmful aspects and promote posi-
tive, mutually satisfying outcomes. This fi eld guide provides simple, focused tools
and suggestions for doing just that.
DEFINING CONFLICT COMPETENCE
Confl ict competence is the ability to develop and use cognitive, emotional, and
behavioral skills that enhance productive outcomes of confl ict while reducing
the likelihood of escalation or harm. The results of confl ict competence include
improved quality of relationships, creative solutions, and lasting agreements for
addressing challenges and opportunities in the future. As with all competencies,
people can learn ways to improve, change, and develop.
We believe that those individuals who possess a keen sense of self - awareness
are well positioned to develop confl ict competence. This requires honesty and
objectivity. It requires seeking feedback from others. We recommend using assess-
ment instruments for a thorough analysis.
It is also helpful to understand how confl ict begins and unfolds. Cognitive
understanding of the “ mechanics ” of confl ict helps to demystify the impact
of confl ict. In addition, preparation for confl ict is critical. In nearly all cases,
we fi nd that those who are best prepared for confl ict have the best outcomes,
the fewest issues, and the most satisfying relationships with their conflict
partners.
Most important, we believe that developing skills, learning mental models,
and applying basic principles are the keys to developing confl ict competence. Our
model is simple and involves three key steps: cooling down, slowing down, and
engaging constructively. We address the components of the model fully in the
pages to follow. In short, though, the model suggests that those who deal well
with emotions, are mindful of the ramifi cations of confl ict, and use effective skills
during confl ict have the best chance of productive outcomes.
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3
Ten Principles of Confl ict Competence for Individuals, Teams, and Organizations
Conflict competence applies to individuals, teams, and organizations. It is
relevant at work, home, and in community settings. The following principles
capture the key elements of confl ict competence and can be used to frame effec-
tive training efforts.
1. Confl ict is inevitable and can lead to positive or negative results depending
on how it is handled.
When we talk with people, they readily admit that confl ict is inevitable. Their
life experience has confi rmed that when people interact with one another their
different perspectives and needs lead to confl icts. They are keenly aware of the
negative aspects of confl ict but less so about its potential benefi ts.
2. While people generally see confl ict as negative and prefer to avoid it, better
results can emerge from engaging it constructively.
Research in organizational confl ict has identifi ed various types of confl ict that lead
to different outcomes. Two important types include task confl ict, which focuses
on resolving the issues that stem from differences, and relationship confl ict, which
emerges when people are more interested in placing blame than they are solving
problems. Task confl ict can lead to creative solutions and improved decisions,
whereas relationship confl ict nearly always leads to interpersonal tension and poorer
performance. People have more experience with relationship confl ict and as a con-
sequence see confl ict as a negative to be avoided. This often leads them to respond
ineffectively and guarantees that they experience the dysfunctions that come with
that type of confl ict. When they are able to engage confl ict effectively, though, they
are more likely to attain the benefi ts that can come from task confl ict.
3. In order to overcome reluctance to address conflict, people need to believe
it is important to do so — thus recognizing the tremendous value of managing confl ict
effectively.
Motivation is as important as knowledge in developing conflict competence.
Changing established beliefs and patterns of behavior is diffi cult, and unless peo-
ple see value in doing so, it won ’ t happen. Helping them understand the benefi ts
that emerge from managing confl ict effectively is critical in providing the rationale
and impetus to undertake this work.
Introduction
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence4
4. Individual conflict competence involves developing cognitive, emotional,
and behavioral skills that enable one to cool down, slow down, and engage confl ict
constructively.
When faced with conflict, people respond in a variety of ways. They think
about what is happening. They experience emotional reactions that are infl u-
enced by the ways they view and interpret the conflict. They also take action
to address the concerns that the confl ict raises. In order for people to be able to
deal effectively with conflict, they need to be able to improve their cognitive,
emotional, and behavioral skills so they can cool down, slow down, and engage
the matter constructively.
5. Cognitive skills include developing self - awareness about one ’ s current attitudes
and responses to confl ict and an understanding of confl ict ’ s basic dynamics.
As with most leadership skills, self - awareness plays an important role in dealing
with confl ict more effectively. This includes an understanding of how people
currently view confl ict, because their attitudes can affect their responses to it.
Self - awareness also involves understanding what triggers a person in the fi rst
place as well as how he responds when confl ict emerges. This awareness allows
him to leverage effective responses and at the same time work on improving
areas where he is using ineffective behaviors. This development work plays out
better when people recognize some of the fundamental dynamics of the confl ict
process.
6. Emotional skills include understanding one ’ s emotional responses to confl ict,
regulating those responses to attain and maintain emotional balance, understanding
and responding to the emotions of one ’ s confl ict partners, and when necessary slowing
down to allow extra time to cool down.
In order to use constructive behavioral responses to confl ict, a person fi rst needs to
be able to manage his emotional responses. This allows him to become curious, and
curiosity is a key factor in engaging one ’ s confl ict partner constructively. Confl ict is
all about emotion. Being able to manage one ’ s emotions provides a foundation from
which to choose and use constructive behavioral responses.
7. Behavioral skills include engaging constructively by understanding others ’ per-
spectives, emotions, and needs; sharing one ’ s own thoughts, feelings, and interests;
collaborating to develop creative solutions to issues; and reaching out to get commu-
nications restarted when they have stalled.
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Introduction 5
Considerable research and publishing have been done in the field of conflict,
and there is considerable agreement about the kinds of behaviors that work well
to resolve confl icts. These include listening to understand how other people see
an issue, sharing one ’ s own perspectives, working together to develop effective
solutions to problems, and keeping communications going. When these behaviors
are used, confl ict can move in more productive directions. Of course, it can be
a challenge to use these behaviors. If it were simple, people would already handle
confl icts better.
8. Engaging constructively also involves reducing or eliminating the use of
destructive behaviors characterized by fi ght - or - fl ight responses to confl ict.
One of the reasons that responding constructively can be a challenge is that people
are more likely to default to destructive fi ght - or - fl ight behaviors, either because
these are the kinds of responses they have learned to use or because they are upset
and turn to reactive behaviors in order to protect themselves. Reducing the use of
these kinds of responses depends in large part on developing and practicing new,
more constructive approaches and on regulating emotional reactions to confl ict.
9. In team settings, confl ict competence includes creating the right climate to sup-
port the use of the “cool down, slow down, and engage constructively” model among
teammates so they can have open and honest discussions of issues. Creating the right
climate includes developing trust and safety, promoting collaboration, and enhancing
team emotional intelligence.
In order to manage confl ict effectively, team members need to be able to discuss issues
openly and honestly. When they can robustly debate issues without turning a task -
focused confl ict into one involving relationship confl ict, they can develop better, more
creative solutions. This is not easy to do and requires developing norms that produce
the right climate for managing confl ict constructively. This includes changing attitudes
about confl ict so that it is not just something to avoid. It also means creating a safe
environment in which team members trust that what they say won ’ t be used against
them. Working together with team spirit produces collaborative effort that can enable
people to give others the benefi t of the doubt when confl ict emerges. Managing emo-
tions is important in team settings as well as in individual contexts, because emotions
are contagious and if not addressed can spread tension throughout the team. Team
members also need to use constructive behaviors when addressing confl icts in order
to keep a solution - oriented focus to their discussions.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence6
10. In organizational contexts, confl ict competence involves creating a culture that
supports the “cool down, slow down, and engage constructively” model. This includes
aligning mission, policies, training programs, performance standards, and reward struc-
tures to reinforce the confl ict competence model. It also includes creating integrated
confl ict management systems to support these cultural changes.
In order to be confl ict competent, an organization needs its leaders, manag-
ers, supervisors, and employees to be individually confl ict competent. At the
same time, it needs to align its confl ict management processes with its mission,
values, policies, performance standards, and reward structures in order to
reinforce the kind of confl ict behaviors it wants its personnel to use with each
other and with its vendors and customers. This involves creating systems to
reinforce its confl ict model and to provide multiple avenues for employees
to address conflicts, preferably at the lowest possible level at the earliest
possible time.
Individual Confl ict Competence Model
Our model of individual confl ict competence looks at cognitive, emotional, and
behavioral aspects of how people respond to confl ict. Key elements of the model
are shown in Figure 1.1 .
Cool down relates to strategies to help regulate emotions so that a person can
maintain or regain emotional balance before proceeding further. If you are upset,
your cognitive faculties are impaired and it is easy to slip into use of destructive
behaviors. So a key fi rst step is to make sure that your emotions are managed
effectively. Since emotions can come and go rather quickly, it may be necessary to
cool down several times during a confl ict.
Slow down involves developing a strategy for what to do when cooling down
is not working. Strong emotions can be challenging, and despite our best intents,
there will be times when our efforts to calm down will not be entirely effective. In
these cases, it is important to have ways to slow things down. Taking a time - out to
enable your emotions to calm down is much better than going too far and saying
something you will later regret. These foot - in - your - mouth comments usually
escalate the confl ict and prove very hard to undo.
Once you have used cool down and slow down to allow you time to gain a
more balanced state, you can then move on to engage the other person using
constructive behaviors.
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Introduction 7
Engage Constructively The key behaviors associated with the engage con- structively part of the Individual Confl ict Competence Model are reaching out,
perspective taking and listening for understanding, sharing thoughts and feelings,
and collaborating to create solutions. Figure 1.2 provides a graphic view of these
behaviors.
Reaching out is a behavior that involves working with the other person either at
the very start of confl ict to get communications moving or later on to get things
back on track.
Perspective taking and listening for understanding involve listening for how the
other person sees the situation, using empathy to understand how the other per-
son is feeling, and asking about what he or she wants. Through this process you
can develop new insights about the confl ict and help lower tensions.
Sharing your thoughts and feelings involves telling the other person how you
see the situation, how you feel about it, and what you want for yourself and the
other person.
Figure 1.1 Individual Confl ict Competence Model
Cool Down
Slow Down
Engage Constructively
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence8
Collaborating to create solutions involves trying to fi nd answers to the issues raised
by the confl ict that will work for both parties. It includes refl ecting on the merits
of alternative solutions, brainstorming with the other person to develop new
approaches, and remaining flexible so you can make the best out of whatever
solution is devised.
Team Confl ict Competence Model
Team confl ict competence includes creating the right climate to enable open, hon-
est discussion as well as using constructive communications techniques to discuss
issues. Team members know that confl ict is an integral part of team life. Yet, most
teams don ’ t take the time to figure out how they want to deal with it when it
emerges. The team model in Figure 1.3 shows some of the important elements
that teams must address to manage confl ict effectively.
Figure 1.2 Engage Constructively Model
Reaching Out
Collaborating to Create Solutions
Perspective Taking and
Listening for Understanding
Sharing Your Thoughts
and Feelings
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Introduction 9
The right climate includes fi ve elements that teams can use to help support open
discussion. The fi rst involves changing attitudes toward confl ict so it isn ’ t looked
upon only as negative. The second and third deal with creating and preserving
a sense of trust and safety among members of the team. The fourth component
involves creating a collaborative spirit in the team. The fi nal element concerns
improving the team ’ s emotional intelligence.
Once the right climate is set, then team members can use constructive communi-
cations techniques to keep discussions focused on solutions and away from fi nger
pointing. These constructive techniques include refl ective thinking and delayed
responding, listening for understanding and perspective taking, and expressing
emotions as well as thoughts.
Figure 1.3 Team Confl ict Competence Model
Listening for
Understanding
Techniques for Staying on Track
Reflective Thinking and
Delayed Responding
Right Climate
Constructive Communications
Perspective Taking
Expressing Emotions
Emotional Intelligence
Behavioral Integration
Safety
Trust
Attitudes
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence10
A special set of techniques help teams stay on track when communications
become challenged and begin to turn destructive.
Organizational Confl ict Competence Model
Expanding confl ict competence from teams to entire organizations presents more
complex challenges, but there are some fundamental similarities. Perhaps the most
important one is developing and supporting a culture in which people can raise issues
and discuss them in constructive ways. Our view of organizational confl ict compe-
tence is infl uenced by our colleague, Jennifer Lynch, QC, and others who have evolved
the concept of integrated confl ict management systems (ICMS). These systems help
organizations align their values and mission as well as policies and procedures with
the kinds of confl ict management approaches they want used by their employees.
Figure 1.4 is an adaptation of Jennifer ’ s model for an ICMS (Lynch, 2005).
In this model, organizational support refers to the skill development that enables
individuals to develop individual confl ict competence together with the leadership,
coordination, communication, and evaluation required to create an ICMS.
An updated alternative dispute resolution system involves elements such as me-
diation, fact fi nding, arbitration, and other processes that can be used to deal with
confl ict that has reached a point where the individuals themselves are unlikely to
resolve it without the involvement of third parties.
Together, the organizational support and the updated alternative dispute reso-
lution components create and sustain the ICMS that in turn helps transform an
organization ’ s culture into one that supports confl ict competence.
Figure 1.4 Organizational Confl ict Competence
Organizational Support
Integrated Conflict
Management System
Updated Alternative
Dispute Resolution + =
Source: Adapted from a model developed by Jennifer Lynch, QC (Lynch, 2005).
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11
Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict
The fi rst element of individual confl ict competence deals with the cognitive aspects of confl ict, including improving current attitudes about confl ict, appreciating the value of managing confl ict eff ectively,
and understanding how you currently respond to confl ict. This chap-
ter explores ways of improving cognitive skills in these areas.
CONFLICT ATTITUDES
In our programs and presentations, we often ask questions of participants to get
them thinking about their current attitudes toward confl ict. People clearly have
thoughts and feelings about confl ict, but these often go unexamined. Yet, these
attitudes affect the ways that people act when confl ict arises even if individuals
have not thought about them. We fi nd it helpful to get people thinking about their
relationship with confl ict, and one way is by having them explore their attitudes.
Exploring Current Confl ict Attitudes
It would be helpful to consider your own attitudes about confl ict. Do you think it
is something bad, to be avoided? Are there positive aspects of confl ict? What has
affected your understanding and approach to confl ict? When we run programs,
we ask people a number of questions about confl ict to help them refl ect on their
attitudes. We share them next as if you were conducting a program with others. If
you are doing this exercise by yourself, answer the questions based on your own
thoughts and feelings toward confl ict. In either case, we believe you will discover
some interesting answers!
� c h a p t e r
T W O
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence12
1. We suggest you begin by having people fi rst think about confl ict and then share
words that come to mind to describe it. You will probably hear lots of words like
stress, frustration, anger, and fear. Less frequently you may hear words like opportunity
and resolution. Once you have solicited a number of terms, ask your participants how
they would characterize most of the words they ’ ve just heard. If your group is like the
hundreds that we have asked, they will describe the words as negative.
2. At this point, shift your inquiry to how people deal with confl ict. You could
ask a question such as, “ How do you or most of your colleagues respond to con-
fl ict at work? ” While a few people may say they react to it aggressively or move to
resolve it, most of the answers will be something like, “ We avoid it. ”
3. You may ask at this point, “ How well does the combination of viewing con-
fl ict as negative and avoiding it work out? ” People usually chuckle at this point, as
they begin to see how ineffective this approach is.
4. We also suggest asking people, “ Why do you think confl ict seems to be so
diffi cult to manage? ” You will likely hear a variety of responses. “ It is emotionally
distressing. ” “ I ’ m afraid I might hurt the other person ” (or its converse — “ I ’ m
afraid they might hurt me ” ). Eventually, someone will probably suggest, “ I ’ ve
never learned how to deal with confl ict. ” You ’ ll see a lot of others nod in agree-
ment with this statement. It is easy to follow up with, “ How many of you learned
how to deal with confl ict in school? ” Rarely will you see more than 1 percent of
hands raised. Some people may joke that they learned how to deal with confl ict
on the playground. School confl ict management programs have improved in re-
cent years, so eventually we will see more people who did learn effective ways of
dealing with confl ict in school. We also ask our participants, “ How many of you
learned to deal with confl ict at work? ” A few more hands will go up but rarely
more than 10 percent.
5. We suggest one more preliminary question: “ How many of you believe that
confl ict is something that inevitably arises in the workplace? ” Nearly everyone
usually agrees with this, largely because of their personal experiences. This point
can be further emphasized by referring to the Center for Creative Leadership study
we mentioned earlier that found that 85 percent of leaders encounter confl ict on a
regular or continual basis (Center for Creative Leadership, 2009).
6. At this point it may be helpful to recap: Confl ict is inevitable. We gener-
ally use negative words to describe it (but there are a few positive words as well).
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 13
We generally use avoidance techniques when it arises. It can be emotionally
distressing, and we ’ ve never learned how to address it effectively. With all of
that, participants readily agree that there is little doubt why confl ict is such a
vexing problem.
Connecting Attitudes to Confl ict Results
People fi nd it interesting to look at their confl ict attitudes and see that theirs are
similar to those of most people. They also begin to see that their attitudes prob-
ably make it harder to deal with confl ict effectively. We like to strengthen this
connection by relating attitudes with research on organizational confl ict. In both
Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader and Building Confl ict Competent Teams,
we explored research on organizational confl ict. Since the mid - 1990s, researchers
have looked at two very different types of confl ict. One type, called relationship
or affective confl ict, describes situations in which people have apparently incom-
patible differences and focus more on who is at fault or to blame than on how to
solve the problem caused by the differences. We then talk about the researchers ’
conclusions about the outcomes of this type of confl ict: increased stress, people
avoiding or pulling back from one another, decreased creativity, lowered morale,
and poorer decision making (DeDreu and Weingart, 2003). When we describe
this type of confl ict to participants, they usually are very familiar with it. When
we ask about their own experience with relationship confl ict, they quickly realize
that the negative words they used earlier to describe confl ict essentially describe
this form of confl ict. So most of their experience is with relationship confl ict, and
most of what they get out of confl ict is something bad. No wonder they would
prefer to avoid it!
We then talk about the second type of confl ict, called task or cognitive confl ict,
with which people have less experience. Task confl ict emerges when people ap-
pear to have irreconcilable differences but they stay focused on ways of solving the
problems caused by those differences in mutually benefi cial ways. When people
are able to stay focused on solutions, which we understand is not easy, they often
come up with more creative solutions and effective decisions and implementa-
tions (Roberto, 2005). Participants are typically less familiar with this type of con-
fl ict, but they recognize that the positive words they shared earlier, like resolution
and opportunity, describe task confl ict and its more favorable outcomes.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence14
So, confl ict is inevitable and you are likely to either experience it as relationship
confl ict, with its bad outcomes, or task confl ict, with its more favorable outcomes.
Our point to participants is that the way you think about confl ict can have an ef-
fect on whether you get more good or more bad results from it. Our next step is
to look at how to improve attitudes.
Changing Confl ict Attitudes
Since most people have negative attitudes about confl ict that can fl avor and af-
fect the ways they respond to it, we enable people to begin looking at confl ict in
new ways — ones that help them see it as something to embrace rather than just
avoid. Again, we have framed this as a group exercise, and it can be helpful to do
this with others. If you are alone, though, you can still profi tably refl ect on these
questions and your answers to them.
1. We typically divide participants into groups of three or four. We then ask
them to start by thinking about any confl ict they have experienced that had some
kind of a positive outcome. This itself can take some doing. We tell them to fi rst
write down a description of the confl ict and the positive outcomes that came
from it.
2. Once they have completed the fi rst step, we ask participants to think about
what caused the confl ict to have a good result. We ask them to think about the
types of behaviors and approaches people used that seemed to help the confl ict
move in a more positive direction.
3. After everyone has had a chance to describe a confl ict that turned out
well and list some contributing factors for the success, we ask the participants
to share their stories and comments with others in their small groups. We ask
them to look for common factors that seemed to lead confl ict in a positive di-
rection and for some common types of successful outcomes. After sharing in
the small groups, a representative from each group reports their key fi ndings.
As this is being done, we encourage participants in other groups to ask ques-
tions and provide comments about what they are hearing. When participants
are from the same organization, these questions and comments are often more
specifically related to the substance of the conflicts, but even in groups of
people from different organizations this interaction usually leads to additional
insights.
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 15
APPRECIATING THE VALUE OF DEALING WITH CONFLICT
As we noted, people generally prefer to avoid dealing with confl ict. Leaders are just
as or even more confl ict averse than everyone else. As a consequence, we feel it is
important to have people refl ect on why they should overcome their reluctance
to engage confl ict.
What is the cost of confl ict for you? How much time do you spend either deal-
ing with confl ict or thinking about it? Does it affect your relationship with others?
If you are the leader of an organization or team, how is confl ict costing your or-
ganization? Are your employees empowered to debate issues so that you get more
creative results, or is your organization one in which people keep quiet, avoid
rigorous discussion, and settle for mediocre compromises?
If you are training others, you can put program participants in groups and
have them come up with reasons why dealing with confl ict effectively is of value to
them personally, as well as to their organization. You may want to prime the pump
by providing the groups with an example. One good one is to ask them whether
managers in their organization waste much of their time dealing with confl ict.
You ’ ll probably get an affi rmative reaction to this example, as numerous surveys
have confi rmed that a typical manager can spend 20 percent or more of his or her
time on confl ict (Thomas and Schmidt, 1976; Watson and Hoffman, 1996; Center
for Creative Leadership, 2003). After 10 – 15 minutes, you can ask groups to share
their results with the larger group. As each point is raised, we recommend spend-
ing time discussing the costs associated with it and how handling confl ict better
could result in either savings or improved results for an organization. During this
time we also encourage participants to share personal experiences, which increases
the interest and relevance of the exercise.
Another more formal way to help people evaluate the cost side of confl ict is
the use of the Dana Measure of Financial Cost of Organizational Confl ict (Dana
Cost of Confl ict Survey, 2009). This online calculator helps people explore the cost
of confl ict to their organization. We fi nd that the calculator is the best tool for fo-
cusing people on the multiple costs of confl ict, such as wasted management time,
retention problems, absenteeism, health costs, grievances, complaints, sabotage,
and violence. Dan Dana notes that these costs are often unexamined or at least not
thought of as confl ict issues. When we have participants in our programs fi ll out his
online calculator, we recommend that they be very conservative in their estimates of
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence16
various costs. Yet, when they get back the results of their estimates, they are usu-
ally astounded by how much confl ict can cost. The costs of managers ’ time can
be particularly profound. At even 20 percent of managers ’ time, confl ict can be a
tremendous fi nancial burden to an organization.
The out - of - pocket costs of confl ict are easier to calculate, and make for easier
return on investment arguments. When we are working with organizational lead-
ers, we like to explore other value propositions associated with confl ict, such as
enhanced creativity and improved decision making. Again, we put participants
in small groups and ask them to talk about the kind of interactions they have
around confl ict. In particular, we prompt them to explore the degree to which
their top management teams engage in robust discussions about different ap-
proaches to issues. We recommend having a facilitator placed with each group.
The facilitator ’ s purpose is to prompt participants to make connections between
their ability to engage confl icting approaches and the quality of the ideas they
are able to produce and the decisions they make. This discourse generally leads
to recognition that robust discussion brings more creative options, because as
people bounce ideas off one another they come up with new concepts that had
not been considered before. This interaction also allows for more complete vet-
ting of alternatives and leads to better decisions. Implementation is better as well,
because members of a team have felt part of the process even if their proposal
was not chosen. Dan Dana has found that clients appreciate this part of the value
proposition.
“ The out - of - pocket costs of workplace confl ict certainly catch people ’ s atten-
tion. Yet, it is the effects of confl ict on decision quality that seem to make the
greatest impression. When I discuss this with clients, they initially say that they
never really thought about the connection. Upon refl ection, they readily agree that
this happens on a regular basis and leads to some poorly considered, costly deci-
sions ” (Craig ’ s discussion with Dan Dana on July 8, 2009). If, however, confl ict is
addressed effectively, better decisions can be obtained.
UNDERSTANDING HOW YOU CURRENTLY RESPOND TO CONFLICT
Self - awareness is a key component of most leadership development programs.
The gap between a person ’ s intention and his or her impact on others can be of
particular importance in confl ict contexts.
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 17
When people refl ect on these and similar questions, they begin to get a better
sense of how they approach confl icts. We don ’ t often take the time to consider
such things. As a consequence we are often unaware of how we truly think and feel
about confl icts and are sometimes surprised by our reactions to confl ict.
Using Instruments
While various forms of self - refl ection can be helpful, we fi nd that people seem to pay
more attention when we use assessment instruments as part of their development
work. The instruments contribute an additional sense of objectivity and credibility to
the process. The powerful impression they can have on people also underscores the
importance of making sure you use assessments that have been properly tested
and validated and that they are administered by competent professionals. In this
section we talk about one instrument that focuses on confl ict behaviors and a
group of others that deal with confl ict styles.
The Confl ict Dynamics Profi le We often use the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le ® (CDP) in our programs. Yes, it was developed at Eckerd College, where we work,
but there is more to it than just that. The course of confl ict is heavily infl uenced
by the behaviors people use when dealing with it. The CDP looks at behaviors
Take a minute and ask yourself a few questions:
How often do I face confl ict in the workplace?
When confl ict occurs, do I prefer to avoid dealing with it or
give in to others?
Do I come off too aggressively at times?
Do I take time to listen to other people ’ s thoughts on an issue?
When confl icts emerge, am I aware of my feelings and those of
others?
Do I rush to solve problems before I ’ m sure of what the issues
are?
Do I collaborate with others to come up with solutions, or do I
make most of the decisions on my own?
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence18
that tend to move confl ict in both positive and negative directions. It measures
behaviors in others that can trigger people ’ s negative emotions that lead to ten-
sion and exacerbate confl ict. It also reveals the responses or reactions we use once
confl ict is initiated.
The CDP was developed by Drs. Sal Capobianco, Mark Davis, and Linda Kraus
in the late 1990s and was infl uenced by research on organizational confl ict that
focused on two different types of confl ict: cognitive or task confl ict and relation-
ship or affective confl ict (Amason, 1996). The former type of confl ict is character-
ized by discussion, creative thinking, and good decision making, and the latter by
blaming, emotional tension, and dysfunction.
The CDP authors suggested that the kind of conflict that is experienced is
largely determined by the kinds of behaviors that people use when they are faced
with confl ict. They identifi ed a set of constructive behaviors that when used would
lead to the more productive task confl ict and another set of destructive behaviors
that usually generated relationship confl ict. The CDP measures the frequencies
with which people use the various constructive and destructive behaviors.
In addition to behaviors, the CDP also measures confl ict triggers. These be-
haviors in others that cause irritation in an individual and can lead to destructive
reactions are called hot buttons. The hot buttons as well as the behavioral scales
are normed against a large adult population so that recipients can see how their
patterns compare against other people. Hot buttons are described in greater depth
in the chapter on emotions.
Administering the CDP To administer the CDP, one must be certified in the instrument, which comes in both multirater and self - assessment versions.
While it is available in both online and paper - and - pencil formats, most people
use the online version.
When we use the 360 - degree version of the instrument with a group, we ask par-
ticipants and their respondents to complete the instruments using the instructions
that come with it. If we use the self - assessment version of the instrument, only the
individuals respond to questions.
During the program, we review the model underlying the instrument using a
PowerPoint slideshow that comes with the certifi cation materials. We make sure
that people understand the specifi c scales that are presented on the CDP report
so that people are clear about the data they will be reviewing. These are described
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 19
in some depth in chapters Three , Four , and Five of Becoming a Confl ict Competent
Leader.
The main scales include a set of nine hot buttons, seven constructive behav-
iors, and eight destructive behaviors. The hot buttons measure behaviors in other
people that tend to irritate us. In particular, they measure the degree to which a
person gets upset when he or she encounters someone who behaves in specifi c
ways. We describe these in more depth in Chapter Three . They include the fol-
lowing types of behaviors:
1. Abrasive : Arrogant, sarcastic, and demeaning
2. Aloof : Isolating, not seeking input, hard to approach
3. Hostile : Angry, yelling, losing temper
4. Micro-managing : Constantly monitoring and checking on others
5. Overly analytical : Focus on minor issues, perfectionistic
6. Self - centered : Care only about self, believe they are always correct
7. Unappreciative : Fail to give credit, seldom praise good performance
8. Unreliable : Miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
9. Untrustworthy : Exploit others, take undeserved credit
The constructive scales deal with behavioral response patterns that when used
tend to move confl ict toward more positive outcomes. We address these in more
detail in Chapter Four . They include:
1. Perspective taking : Trying to understand the way the other person thinks and
feels about the confl ict
2. Creating solutions : Brainstorming with the other person to develop solutions
to the problem
3. Expressing emotions : Telling the other person openly and honestly how you
feel about the confl ict
4. Reaching out : Working with the other person to start or keep communica-
tions going to resolve a confl ict
5. Refl ective thinking : Considering the pros and cons of different approaches
for solving the issue
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence20
6. Delayed responding : Taking a time - out to let emotions cool down before
returning to discuss the problem
7. Adapting : Remaining open and fl exible so as to make the best out of the
situation
The destructive scales address eight response patterns that tend to prolong con-
fl ict and result in the negative outcomes found in relationship confl ict. As with
the constructive scales, we address these in greater detail in Chapter Four . They
include:
1. Winning at all costs : Trying as hard as you can to get your way in the
confl ict
2. Displaying anger : Acting out and showing anger towards others
3. Demeaning others : Belittling or putting down a person with whom you are
experiencing confl ict
4. Retaliating : Getting even with the other person
5. Avoiding : Staying away from another person to prevent having to deal with
the problem
6. Yielding : Giving in to the other person in order to not have to address the
confl ict
7. Hiding emotions : Covering up the way you feel about the confl ict
8. Self - criticizing : Ruminating about the ways you mismanaged the
confl ict
As we discuss the different behaviors, we show people some of the questions
that are asked for each scale and have them discuss how they characterize each
scale. We review a sample report with the participants so they can understand how
data will be presented before receiving their own report. At that point we share
participants ’ reports with them individually and give them a chance to review
their results. We encourage you to consider taking the CDP; we provide you with
information about it in the beginning of this book.
Debriefing the CDP After people get their results on the Conflict Dynamics Profi le, we set a time to meet with them to debrief their results. It can be unset-
tling to get feedback on how one responds to confl ict, so it ’ s helpful for someone
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 21
knowledgeable in the instrument to work with the recipient of a report to make
sense of it. We go through the data in the report with individuals and ask them what
they make of the responses — either their own responses or those of other people. In
particular, we ask why they think others may see them the way they do. People are
often surprised that others see them differently than they see themselves, but often
after refl ecting on the matter, they begin to appreciate why that may be the case.
Even in instances when they do not understand reasons for differences, they ’ re able
to think about how they may talk to the individuals who gave them their responses
in order to fi nd out more why those people see them differently.
In addition to helping them understand the data in the report, we also
help them to think about ways in which they are already effective and behav-
iors that they ’ re already using appropriately. We also help them consider what
behaviors they may want to improve or what hot buttons they may want to
cool down. This process of prioritizing areas for development is aided in the
360 version of the CDP by a section dealing with the organization ’ s perspec-
tive on confl ict. This part of the report looks at how particular behaviors could
enhance or be detrimental to one ’ s career development. People are then able to
compare their own use of behaviors to see which ones could be problematic if
not done well. This helps prioritize areas for development.
We also help people explore connections between their hot buttons and the
ways they respond to confl ict when those buttons are pushed. For instance, it
may be the case that the participant gets upset when she encounters a hostile
individual. We ask her how she responds if that is indeed a hot button for her. If
she says that she, herself, gets angry and pushes back against the other person,
it may not be a surprise if, in her behavioral data, she fi nds that her Displaying
Anger score is higher than she might otherwise expect.
When we ’ re debriefi ng the CDP in groups, we often use a consolidated report
to look at the overall patterns of the group. We see which constructive or destruc-
tive behaviors may be unusually high or low within the group. We can also look
in the 360 version at a larger sample of people ’ s perspectives on what behaviors
are acceptable and unacceptable in the organization. These group reports enable
people to compare their behaviors against the norms of the group to see when
they are generally in sync with others or display behavioral patterns different from
their teammates.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence22
Talking About Confl ict
One of the benefi ts of using an assessment instrument like the CDP is that people
who use it are able to talk about confl icts using a common model and vocabulary.
This is illustrated in a story from Sue Strong, a consultant and colleague of ours.
She calls the story, “ It ’ s All About the Business. ”
IT ’ S ALL ABOUT THE BUSINESS
The Business Situation
A well - known consumer products company conducted an internal survey
to assess the effectiveness of one of its most critical business processes.
The success of this process is directly linked to competitive advantage
in the marketplace, which, as we know, equates to product sales. While
there were a variety of elements that constituted how effectively
the process worked, a critical component was the ability for multiple,
cross - functional teams to partner in achieving outcomes that would be
in the best interests of the company.
There was only one problem. The members of the team each reported
into different functional areas within the organization, and there was
no hierarchy within the team that would suggest a fi nal decision maker.
In other words, they needed to fi gure out a way to work together and
reach mutual decisions . . .
A perfect storm for confl ict! And, a perfect opportunity for innova-
tion! Which way would it go?
The Process
Up until the time I was brought in, the feelings on these multiple teams
ranged from high energy in some cases to lethargy and frustration in
most. The same people tended to dominate discussions and the same
people tended to say nothing at all. It wasn ’ t uncommon to feel that
a key approach to success was, “ I Win, You Lose. ” Not that anyone was
saying that, however.
I viewed this as a perfect place to use the CDP not only to deal directly
with the success of these teams but also to begin shaping a culture in
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 23
which people would begin to think in different ways. Because time was
tight and I was dealing with busy people who were not about to spend
a lot of time on development without kicking and screaming, I chose to
use the Individual version of the CDP. It was administered to more than
fi fty people online.
As the data came in, I realized that these individuals were all over
the place in terms of how they dealt with different opinions. This was,
of course, part of the problem. Not only did they look at issues from dif-
ferent business angles, they also addressed their differences in a wide
variety of ways. Of course, everyone thought his or her approach was the
right approach. At times, approaches were polar opposites. For example,
on the Destructive scale of the CDP, as many people scored Yielding as a
behavior they used to deal with confl ict as those who scored it as some-
thing they very rarely did. On the Hot Buttons scale we saw a similar
phenomenon. As many people saw Overly Analytical as a hot button as
those for whom it wasn ’ t an issue at all.
The Outcome
The CDP allowed us to do several things:
1. It opened a conversation that permitted us to defi ne confl ict as
something that was not “ bad. ”
2. It illuminated the reality that there are different ways people
handle confl ict and that some of those strategies worked and
others didn ’ t.
3. The CDP offered participants the opportunity to self - refl ect and
think about what they needed to do differently for the good of the
whole.
4. We were able to dialogue about how different behaviors could,
unknowingly, feed off of each other and cause a downhill spiral —
for example, Yielding and Winning as potentially the fl ip sides of
the same coin.
5. It also pointed out strategies for taking something Constructive and
using it to minimize a behavior that was Destructive: for example,
Expressing Emotions versus feeling the need to Display Anger.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence24
The critical outcomes were that people left the meeting with a new
interpretation of confl ict and its potential value to them as a competitive
strategy, a better appreciation of the pluses and the minuses of their
approaches to confl ict, and the ability to talk to each other about some-
thing that often is “ undiscussable. ”
Removing the taboo of confl ict has opened up a dialogue that will be
continued in the organization as the strategies offered in the CDP are
put to use and even carried to this group ’ s counterparts overseas. Cultur-
ally, it offers the organization an opportunity to use the synergy of its
people in ways they had never previously considered.
Style Instruments There are a number of instruments that measure people ’ s confl ict styles, such as the Thomas Kilmann Confl ict Mode Instrument (TKI) and
the Hiam Dealing with Confl ict Instrument. Style instruments typically look at two
domains. The TKI domains are concern for self (getting what you want out of the
confl ict) and concern for other (wanting the other person to get what they want
out of it). The Hiam instrument looks at the importance of relationship in relation
to importance of outcome of the confl ict. In both cases, depending on the relative
importance of the two domains for an individual, he or she is characterized as
having one of fi ve different styles:
1. Competing. This style on the TKI indicates more concern for self than
for other; on the Hiam it shows more importance for outcome than for
relationship.
2. Avoiding. On the TKI, this style indicates low interest in self and other con-
cerns and a desire not to have to deal with the confl ict; on the Hiam it shows
low perceived importance in the relationship and the outcome.
3. Accommodating. Low concern for self and higher concern for the other mark
this style on the TKI, as does higher importance for the relationship and
lower importance for the outcome on the Hiam.
4. Compromising. This styles splits the difference and shows partial interest in
both domains on both the TKI and Hiam.
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 25
5. Collaborating. This style shows high concern or importance for both
domains on both instruments.
When people understand their own styles of approaching confl ict, they can re-
fl ect on situations where their style generally works well, as well as instances where
it usually doesn ’ t. They can then begin to adjust their approach based on their
style and the circumstances. They can also appreciate styles of others and learn
how to reach out to those with different styles. Our colleague, Beverly Fletcher,
who is a faculty member at the Federal Executive Institute, does an excellent job
using exercises that help people understand their confl ict styles and the relevance
these styles have for confl ict settings.
We appreciate her sharing her approach.
DISCOVERING YOUR CONFLICT STYLES
The primary focus of this best practice is on participants ’ understanding
of confl ict styles. It uses adult learning techniques and is heavily experi-
ential and thus avoids long lectures and demonstrations.
The process described here provides an example for trainers to use in
helping participants understand the grounding theory underlying fi ve
confl ict styles described by several different theorists. This best practice
was designed to provide an opportunity for participants to examine and
develop, fi rsthand, the underlying theory and constructs involved in the
fi ve “ styles ” utilizing the theoretical constructs developed by Kenneth
W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann (Thomas - Kilmann Confl ict Mode Instru-
ment); the fi ve styles presented by Alexander Hiam (Dealing with Confl ict
Instrument); and fi ve confl ict strategies presented by David W. Johnson in
Reaching Out; Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self - Actualization (Thomas
and Kilmann, 1974, 1976; Hiam, 1999; Johnson, 2008).
This example sets up experientially basic information about how people
differ in their approaches to confl ict; it provides an opportunity for partici-
pants to develop a language to use in discussing these differences and the
interaction between people with various differences. It also enables train-
ers to conduct an initial process upon which to build additional and more
complex experience - based training in the area of confl ict management.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence26
The success of this process depends upon several things:
The trainer ’ s belief in the perspective that adult learners are
naturally curious, creative, resourceful, and fully able to understand
and articulate the nature of confl ict styles
The trainer ’ s understanding of the fi ve confl ict styles
The trainer ’ s experience with adult learning technologies, and
The trainer ’ s ability to actively listen, to use provocative inquiry
techniques, and to give constructive feedback
The trainer must do her homework to understand the styles, must be
able to ask good open - ended questions in the moment, and must have
the skills to take participants as fully as possible through the adult learn-
ing cycle. The trainer must listen and build upon what is said in order
to assist participants in developing the concepts underlying each style.
Trainers must also be able to support participants by providing concise
constructive feedback.
BEVERLY ’ S APPROACH
Explain objectives of the process. Understand your primary style,
explore advantages and disadvantages of different styles, determine
how to diagnose the confl ict situation, and determine the most
appropriate style in that situation to guide your behavior.
Introduce the style instrument being used in your session.
Have the participants complete the instrument and put it away for
later. They do not yet score their instruments.
Emphasize that the fi ve styles are “ situational ” and have the
quality of being neither “ right ” nor “ wrong ” nor “ good ” or “ bad. ”
Briefl y describe each style using visual metaphors that represent
the styles (visual metaphors affect us at a deeper level than word
labels). Have participants take notes and each select his “ primary ”
style based on his perceptions of his own behavior. ( Note : This
should take less than 5 minutes. Do the descriptions after the
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 27
participants complete the instrument to prevent unduly skewing
the instrument results.)
Set up separate fl ip charts for each style. Have all participants stand
by the fl ip chart with the style they select. Give participants at each
fl ip chart 15 to 20 minutes to discuss and record the advantages
and disadvantages of their style. Also have them record an example
of an inappropriate and an appropriate use of the style. Figure 2.1
shows an example of a fl ip chart using a turtle symbol adapted from
Johnson to indicate a group that tends to avoid confl ict.
Each group reports out. Explain that we are all capable of and
probably have at one time or another used each of the fi ve styles.
Have the person “ reporting ” stand by with a marker to add
additional insights into advantages and disadvantages from other
•
•
Figure 2.1 Turtle Style: Avoiding Confl ict
DisadvantagesAdvantages
Inappropriate Situation for Using this StyleAppropriate Situation for Using this Style
Source: Adaptation from Johnson (2008) by Beverly Fletcher.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence28
Disadvantages
• Make it worse
• Prolong conflict
• No solution
• Doesn’t address root causes
• You look weak, indecisive
• Holding hostage, passive aggressive, controlling
Advantages
• Stay in comfort zone
• Less risk
• Buy time to think
• Able to pick place and time
• Preserve energy
• Give time to calm down
• Long-term, festering problem, especially one that impacts a number of people and requires everybody’s input.
• When need time to cool down and think
• When it’s time to let things go
• When goal is not important
Figure 2.2 Problem-Solving Wheel
participants. (It becomes apparent at this point in the workshop that
each style has the quality of being neither “ good ” nor “ bad ” but
rather “ appropriate ” or “ inappropriate ” given the situation.)
Figure 2.2 is an example of a completed chart for the “ Turtle ”
behavior.
After all fi ve styles report out, reveal the instrument interpretation.
Have them discuss their thoughts and feelings about their results in
dyads and participants review their own reports.
It was a pleasure for me (Craig) to watch Beverly present this model with
senior executives from a government agency. It was apparent that this exercise
goes over well in a group setting and allows people to explore their own style and
•
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 29
recognize that others may have very different styles. This sheds light on why it can
be diffi cult to engage others in confl icts.
DECONSTRUCTING CONFLICT: A METHOD FOR UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMICS OF CONFLICT
People are often confused by how conflict unfolds and changes. So we use an
exercise that helps them better understand how the dynamics of confl ict form
their personal perspectives. We ask participants to think of and write down a
description of a conflict that they ’ ve experienced recently. We then engage in
a series of steps to help clarify how the confl ict played out. Try answering them
yourself:
1. How did you fi rst become aware that there was a confl ict? Can you deter-
mine the fi rst time that you felt either some tension or thought that there was
some kind of a difference that mattered with another person? It is not easy,
sometimes, for people to remember these early stages. They get covered up by
the subsequent interactions with the other person, and they no longer remem-
ber the conflict ’ s origin. In many feuds, people no longer remember why the
feud occurred; they just remember that they ’ re supposed to dislike some other
person or group.
2. When the participants can remember the earliest time they became aware
of a conflict, we ask them what their thoughts were about the actions of the
other person involved. In effect, what we want to do is to have them consider
how they saw the other party. Our hope is that they remember what the other
person said or did. The next step is to have them focus on how they understood
the meaning of what the other person said or did. As they begin to fl esh out their
sense of what the other person ’ s intentions may have been and what their actions
probably meant, we ask them how it was that they came to that conclusion based
on what they saw or heard. We also ask them to consider whether there are any
other possible interpretations of those same facts or circumstances. If they indi-
cate that there were alternatives (and usually this takes some effort to draw them
out), we ask them why they think they chose the particular interpretation that
they did at the time. Sometimes, this is infl uenced by a person ’ s history with the
other person. If he or she has had negative encounters in the past, it ’ s very easy
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence30
for an individual to draw a negative interpretation about a new situation based
on history.
3. After we ’ ve had the individual consider his or her interpretations of the
situation, we then ask that person to talk abut how he or she felt about the matter.
We want her to link the way she felt with the thoughts she was having and the
interpretations she was giving to the situation. It ’ s oftentimes diffi cult for people
to clearly express their feelings, and we spend some time helping them get to what
they felt at the time.
4. Next we ask them to think about what actions they took once they had
experienced their initial thoughts, interpretations, and feelings about the situation.
In other words, what did they say or do with respect to the other person in the
confl ict? We ask participants to be as specifi c as possible in sharing what they said
or did.
5. Finally we ask how he or she thinks the other person would have interpreted
or likely interpreted the actions that he or she took. If they were in the other
person ’ s shoes, how might they have reacted to what they had said or done toward
that other person? We ask them how might they have interpreted their actions if
they were in the other person ’ s shoes. How might they have thought about those
actions, and what kind of feelings might they have had? Then, we ask them how
the other person responded, and is his or her response understandable — even
though, perhaps, not reasonable in light of how they thought and felt about the
behavior. Slowing things down and beginning to analyze, step by step, how a
confl ict unfolds begins to give us a sense of why people do the things they do.
We also ask the person to refl ect on whether his actions, based on his thoughts
and feelings, were likely going to get him the result he wanted. In the moment
of confl ict, behaviors that feel so right oftentimes are unlikely to get us what we
want out of the situation. So, we ask participants to think about whether their ac-
tions would likely get them what they wanted, and if not, what different kinds of
actions would have been more likely to succeed.
There are obviously other factors that come into play — questions about dif-
ferences in power between people, differences of culture — all of which can affect
how confl ict unfolds. But in general, the fundamental factors of how individuals
see things, what sense they make of them, how they feel about them, how they
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Cognitive Aspects of Confl ict 31
respond, and what they really want in the situation are key elements of any con-
fl ict. If people can begin to understand better how these facets interact with one
another, it becomes easier to be aware of them as confl icts emerge. It becomes less
of a complex enigma. Individuals are able make more sense of confl icts and, as a
result, can begin to develop skills and strategies to enable them to address confl icts
more effectively.
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33
The Emotional Side of Confl ict
There are many wonderful books and courses dealing with con-fl ict. If people could easily follow the recommendations found in these sources, confl ict would not be such a confounding problem.
We work with a lot of very smart clients, and while they easily under-
stand concepts related to constructive confl ict behaviors, they usually
have diffi culty using them in their daily lives. While practice helps
polish the behaviors, we fi nd that an even more fundamental issue
concerns emotions.
Confl ict is much more than just an intellectual battle of opposing ideas. It involves
emotions, and often they are the greatest obstacle to resolving differences. In order
to become confl ict competent, people need to develop their emotional intelli-
gence. More specifi cally, they need to understand how they respond emotionally
to confl ict, develop approaches to achieve and maintain emotional balance, rec-
ognize emotional responses in their confl ict partner, and learn ways to help their
partner gain emotional balance.
UNDERSTANDING HOW EMOTIONS ARISE IN CONFLICT
We have defi ned confl ict as situations in which people have apparently incom-
patible interests. When we feel our interests threatened, our biological and
neurological systems kick in and help us prepare to meet the threat. Before
� c h a p t e r
T H R E E
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence34
devising approaches to help manage emotions, let us fi rst start by looking in more
detail at what happens when the confl ict emerges.
When we take in sensory data (seeing, hearing, and other senses), our brains
try to make sense out of it. During this interpretive process, we make inferences
about what the data mean and eventually draw conclusions based on these in-
ferences (Argyris, 1990). While this process and the conclusions we draw seem
perfectly reasonable, they are often off the mark.
First of all, we don ’ t see everything that is happening, so our conclusions are
made on incomplete data. Next, our inferences based on data we do have can be
biased, especially in situations in which we think there are threats to our inter-
ests. In such cases, we frequently analyze the other person ’ s actions in negative
terms. We attribute their actions to personality fl aws or sinister motives. Once we
have concluded that the other person is a threat, and an unprincipled one at that,
we conclude that the other person is bad and needs to be punished (Allred, 2000).
Research suggests that this retaliatory response is an evolutionary development
meant to teach others to avoid bad behavior (McCullough, 2008).
As these processes of inference and attribution proceed, emotions are triggered.
When we feel that someone is threatening us and that this is bad, we begin to feel
afraid or angry. These emotions tend to fuel further negative thinking about the situa-
tion and the other person. This process of rumination has been shown to be associated
with brain patterns related to negative emotions (Ochsner and Gross, 2005).
All of these steps unfold very quickly. The distance from hearing something,
to thinking about it, to inferring negative intent, to feeling angry can be spanned
in seconds. In some cases our brains are preconditioned to analyze certain pat-
terns as threats so that we can respond without thinking. When a snake darts out
on a trail in the forest, we automatically step back without consciously thinking
about it. We humans have what psychologist Paul Ekman calls auto - appraisers that
enable our brains to scan the environment for threats, including possible threats
to our interests caused by other people (Ekman, 2003). In confl ict contexts, these
auto - appraisers could be called hot buttons (Capobianco, Davis, and Kraus, 2008).
When you come across someone who pushes your hot buttons, you get upset right
away without even consciously thinking about it.
When our negative emotions are aroused, it becomes more difficult to
respond constructively rather than react destructively. Authors in the fi eld of
emotional intelligence distinguish between our “ hot ” and “ cool ” response systems
and between the “ high road ” of thinking and “ low road ” of destructive emotions
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 35
(Edmondson and Smith, 2006; Goleman, 2007). If we don ’ t fi nd ways of cooling
down our emotions, we are more likely to react to confl icts by using ineffective
behaviors that tend to escalate and prolong tensions. If we fail to slow down when
we are upset and instead use destructive behaviors, this will cause our confl ict
partner to get angry and react, thus leading to a cycle of retaliation (Dana, 2005).
The problems arise from a combination of perception, thinking, and emotional
responses. Over the years people from various fi elds have looked at how people
can regulate these processes. Cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectic behavioral
therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy view the problem from
a psychological therapy perspective.
The work of James Gross at Stanford University analyzes emotion regulation
from a chronological viewpoint. It examines what people can do at various stages
to regulate emotional responses (Gross, 1998). Early on, a person could try to
avoid certain situations or people to prevent being provoked in the fi rst place.
This, of course, it not easy in the workplace. Once a situation has arisen, you could
try to distract or focus your attention on something else and try to defuse ten-
sions. You could also reexamine what you have seen or heard to see if there is some
innocuous explanation for what is happening. Once their emotions have been
aroused, people try to fi nd a way of dealing with them, often by suppressing them
and occasionally by fi nding constructive methods of expressing the emotions.
Regardless of the techniques employed to manage emotions, it is crucial to re-
member how negative emotions emerge because that process provides a glimpse
of what needs to happen to regulate them.
In this chapter we share a number of approaches that can be used to help peo-
ple cool down, slow down, and gain emotional balance as fi rst steps in dealing
effectively with confl ict. We share tips and techniques that we use as well as ideas
from leading researchers and practitioners.
We look at ways of helping people understand their current emotional reactions
to confl ict so that they will not be caught off guard. We investigate the concept of
conflict “ hot buttons. ” We explore three approaches — centering, cognitive reap-
praisal, and mindfulness or awareness — to cooling down negative emotions when
they arise.
We also look at an approach from Roger Fisher and Dan Shapiro called core
concerns, which aims at forestalling negative emotional reactions. This involves
promoting positive emotions and is grounded in the areas of positive psychology
and resilience.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence36
Finally, we share methods to help people slow things down, when despite
their efforts to cool their emotions down, things are nonetheless slipping
out of control. In all of these areas we present tips, practices, and stories that
you can use to help yourself and others improve confl ict competence around
emotions.
PERSONAL HOT BUTTONS
Confl ict can emerge quickly, and before a person knows it he can feel upset and
emotionally off balance. We use the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le ® (CDP) assess-
ment instrument to help people analyze personal hot buttons. The CDP contains
a section that measures people ’ s responses to nine different types of behaviors
that are typically at the root of workplace confl icts. These hot buttons include the
following behaviors:
1. Abrasive : Arrogant, sarcastic, and demeaning
2. Aloof : Isolating, not seeking input, hard to approach
3. Hostile : Angry, yelling, losing temper
4. Micro-managing : Constantly monitoring and checking on others
5. Overly analytical : Focus on minor issues, perfectionistic
6. Self - centered : Care only about self, believe they are always correct
7. Unappreciative : Fail to give credit, seldom praise good performance
8. Unreliable : Miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
9. Untrustworthy : Exploit others, take undeserved credit (Capobianco, Davis,
and Kraus, 2008)
In the CDP, people rank how upset they get when they encounter other people
who exhibit specifi c behaviors that describe the nine hot buttons. Their answers
are compared to those of thousands of other people who have taken the instru-
ment. They are then provided with a graphic display of how their responses
compare to the norm group.
We fi nd that people are fascinated by their hot button profi les, particularly
because scores can differ so widely. In group settings we ask for volunteers to
share a hot button. We then ask how many others in the group also share this hot
button. There are almost always others who have the same hot button, and people
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 37
fi nd comfort that they are not alone. At the same time, there are usually individu-
als in the group for whom the hot button is not a trigger.
Hot buttons discussions work very well in team settings. Our colleague,
Dr. Edmond Bazerghi, a psychologist from Austin, used a hot buttons exercise
with an executive team that was having confl ict problems. They took the Confl ict
Dynamics Profi le to get a better sense of how they were currently dealing with con-
fl ict. The group was reticent. Although they agreed to take the instrument, they were
concerned about how to discuss the results. Edmond was able to overcome their
reluctance by focusing the group on a discussion of their hot buttons. The group
began to share their particular hot buttons and soon loosened up and were able to
say things like, “ When you do that particular thing, it drives me crazy, ” in a way that
didn ’ t hurt each other ’ s feelings. They talked about how not everyone experiences
the same reactions. Even the president of the company, who was an introvert, was
drawn into the discussion. He normally avoided confl ict and as a consequence didn ’ t
get to hear what people were thinking about issues. The hot buttons exercise enabled
him to open up about his avoidance of confl ict and his desire to change this so the
group could have more substantive discussions. They also had a new language about
hot buttons and behaviors they could use when frustrations arose.
If two people were in the room with another person who behaved in a par-
ticular way, one person might get angry and the other wouldn ’ t. We ask people in
our groups to refl ect on whether the “ button pusher ” is the cause of their anger or
rather is it a specifi c reaction to the other ’ s behavior. This is an important ques-
tion in confl ict management; rarely will you have a better context to explore the
true cause of the emotional upset you feel in confl ict.
We also like to explore why people get angry in the face of certain hot button
behaviors. We ask the people who have a particular hot button, such as Unreliable,
to talk about what makes them angry when they encounter someone who misses
deadlines or cannot be counted on to do what they say. This helps people refl ect
on the values or concerns that underlie their hot button. When doing this in a
group, we ask other people who do not share that hot button to talk about why
they do not get upset when they encounter someone who behaves in that way.
When people recognize that it is their own reactions that are at the heart of their
hot buttons, they can become more open to exploring ways to cool down.
Before looking at ways to cool down, we ask participants to think about why
they would want to do so in the fi rst place. When people feel righteous indignation
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence38
about their hot button responses, it is difficult to think about cooling down.
The natural response is to want to “ fi x ” the button pusher. To overcome this, we
fi rst help people think about what cooling down is all about.
The idea of lessening the intensity of our hot button responses is primarily
about maintaining our own emotional balance. When we get angry at someone
else ’ s behavior, we become more susceptible to engaging in destructive, reactive
responses. To prevent this from happening, we want to decrease the level of our
anger. We still may not approve of the other person ’ s behavior, but in addressing
it we will be able to use more constructive approaches. So by dealing with our hot
buttons, we are better positioned to effectively address the button pusher.
Once people see that lessening the intensity of their hot button reactions can
be helpful, the next question is how to do it. The techniques described in the rest
of this chapter can help lessen the emotional tension felt when hot buttons have
been pushed.
REFLECTING ON HOT BUTTONS
1. Pair up with someone.
2. Have each person identify one of their hot buttons.
3. One person shares her hot button with her partner and describes
what about the hot button causes her to get upset. We recommend
that the person describe a real situation where the hot button was
pushed and how she felt.
4. The partner then asks the individual to describe the “ button
pusher. ” The person who is experiencing the hot button carefully
describes the actions of the button pusher and talks about how
she interprets the motivations behind the button pusher ’ s actions.
If there is history behind the relationship, the person should also
describe it and talk about how it affects the attributions she
makes about the button pusher ’ s intentions. Finally, the person
should talk about how her view of the actions, motivations, and
history of the relationship affected her emotional reactions to the
situation.
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 39
5. The partner then asks the individual to speculate about any other
possible reasons for the button pusher ’ s actions. If the button
pusher was abrasive and condescending, it might be explained
by the person feeling superior and treating others as inferiors. It
might also suggest that the button pusher was insecure and used
the abrasive behaviors to try to cover up a sense of inferiority.
The partner can brainstorm with the individual to come up with
other possible explanations. The partner then asks the person
how she would feel about the situation if one of the alternate
interpretations was correct. Would this change the intensity of the
irritation she was feeling? If it does, this may be one approach for
cooling down the hot button reaction.
6. An alternative approach is for the partner to ask the individual if
there are any helpful aspects of the button pusher ’ s behavior. It
is easy to spot the problematic aspects of the behavior but more
diffi cult to look for positive ones. For example, if the individual
has a hot button of Micromanaging, it would be easy to see the
downsides of someone else acting in that manner. Is there anything
positive, though, about people who micromanage? Perhaps they
are good at details and make sure to keep things on track, even
though the way they do it can be aggravating to some. Again, the
partner can brainstorm possible positive aspects of a particular hot
button behavior and then ask the individual how she would feel
about the behavior when looked at from this context.
7. When this process is complete for one person, then the partners
switch positions and repeat the exercise.
8. When the process is completed, the participants continue to follow
a similar approach for each of their hot buttons. The key is to
do this in advance of the time they encounter the hot button, so
that it is no longer a mystery. Exposing hot buttons to the light of
this analysis lessens the likelihood that they will take a person by
surprise and will decrease the intensity of the emotions that will be
felt. If there is an opportunity, the person could work with a coach
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence40
to role - play hot button contexts to let the individual practice
dealing with exposure to the behaviors and work to put new
perspectives on them into practice.
As we have said, people have very different reactions to hot buttons. This
probably stems from life experiences that have taught us to regard different
behavior patterns as threats to our interests. In our work as consultants, we fi nd
that most people taking the CDP have one or two hot buttons out of the nine that
are measured. For those people, we explore which of the hot buttons might be
pushed in their workplace settings and how much diffi culty the buttons present
when they are pushed. We explore how an individual typically responds when a
button has been pushed. We try to help him determine which, if any, hot button
might be worthwhile to cool. It is usually too diffi cult to work on multiple hot
buttons at once, so we recommend starting with one that is particularly prob-
lematic and moving on to others after the fi rst is adequately addressed.
Some people have many hot buttons. Lots of behaviors can upset some
individuals. We fi nd they can even be upset about having lots of hot buttons.
Often we see this in people who have very high standards for themselves and
for others. If they don ’ t live up to those standards, they can get down on them-
selves. If others don ’ t meet their standards, it pushes a hot button. We reassure
people with this type of pattern that having high standards is not a bad thing.
When these standards lead to hot buttons being triggered, it can be diffi cult but
it can also be managed. We take the same approach of working on one hot button
at a time. Once the person addresses one hot button, then she can move on to
the next.
A bigger problem occurs when a person who has lots of hot buttons that are get-
ting pushed lacks a way to deal with the emotional upset these cause. If the person
holds the anger inside, the anger can build up until it is released in unhealthy ways.
Similar approaches can be used to lessen the intensity of an individual ’ s hot button
responses, but any approach needs to be coupled with work on lowering negative
emotions and expressing how the person is feeling in more constructive ways.
A smaller selection of people have few if any hot buttons. These folks do not
seem to get upset by other people ’ s actions, which can make their lives a little
easier. This pattern is not without its problems, though. Some people without hot
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 41
buttons can be insensitive to the fact that other people do have them. We run into
people who have no hot buttons and who are seen by others as real “ button push-
ers. ” It is as though the person ’ s attitude is, “ It doesn ’ t bother me; why should it
bother you? ” In these cases, we focus on how they can keep from pushing others ’
buttons without knowing it. The exercise in which people pair up to talk about
hot buttons can be useful here. Instead of telling about their lack of hot buttons,
they can talk in more depth with a partner who does have a hot button. The key
task is to acknowledge and affi rm that the other person ’ s hot button is authentic,
and that even though one person doesn ’ t get upset by that behavior, the other per-
son genuinely does. So if he acted in that manner, he could be upsetting the other
person even without intending to do so and even if the same behavior would not
upset him.
Understanding hot buttons is a rich area in emotions and confl ict. It can pro-
vide helpful insights into what triggers people ’ s emotions. If you want more in-
formation on the hot button concept, you can take a mini - survey at: http://www
.confl ictdynamics.org/cdp/hotbuttons/index.php . This survey does not substi-
tute for scoring the hot buttons component of the CDP, but it does provide a
fi rst glance.
ADDRESSING FEARS
While we often think of anger when we consider confl icts, perhaps fear is the key
underlying emotion. We may fear losing out on substantive issues or losing face.
Bob Acton, a psychologist and organizational development consultant, provides
us with an interesting approach to reducing fear.
As a confl ict advisor, I assist individuals and organizations using a variety
of tools such as organizational assessments, individual assessments, con-
fl ict coaching, training, and organizational effectiveness interventions.
As a psychologist, I attend to many factors involved in a conflict
situation, such as an individual ’ s thinking (for example, attitudes, inter-
pretations, expectations, thoughts), behavior (for example, aggression,
avoidance, withdrawal), emotions (for example, fear, anger, disap-
pointment), and the context of the situation (for example, past history
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence42
of conflict, organizational structure and functioning, current work
environment).
Conflict frequently involves negative emotions for nearly every-
one involved. Anger, of course, is the most common negative emotion
associated with conflict, and the outcome of anger is all too often
aggressive behavior. I believe it is important to pay particular atten-
tion to the participants ’ emotional reactions to the confl ict itself while
assisting them to reduce confl ict. While anger is frequently noticed,
there are other emotions that need to be assessed, as they can signifi -
cantly infl uence behavior. Moreover, some emotions seldom are overt;
they are frequently hidden, suppressed, or denied by people because
of the associated anxiety or embarrassment associated with a specifi c
emotion.
Fear is an emotional reaction that individuals experience in response
to aggressive behavior or angry outbursts in others. But acknowledging
fear or anxiety in response to aggression or anger can be embarrassing
for some and hence can be uncomfortable to talk about. However, if
a confl ict advisor does not attend to the underlying emotional reaction,
it will continue to undermine successful resolution of the confl ict and
may, in fact, lead to more confl ict.
An example of this relates to my work with a manager of a small
group in a unionized, not - for - profi t organization. There had been sig-
nifi cant confl ict between the manager and some members of the group.
It was serious enough that the union had frequently been consulted,
grievances had been filed, and investigations were conducted. This
required time - consuming and costly involvement from upper manage-
ment and human resource professionals. However, no positive change
had occurred, and I was asked to conduct an assessment and provide
some solutions.
The assessment determined that the manager would become insis-
tent about his perspective, increase his emotional reactions, and become
more focused on the rules (how it was supposed to be done) when faced
with what he perceived to be irrational employee behavior that was
contravening industry standards and rules. The staff members in ques-
tion would frequently respond to the manager ’ s behavior by becoming
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 43
accusatory, withdraw or yell, and then fi le a grievance. Thus the focus
was shifted to the individuals ’ emotional reactions and subsequent
behavior rather than the issue of the job performance, which was the
key issue.
The manager was accurate in his belief that the employees were not
following procedures correctly and that this placed the organization at
risk for substantial fi nes by various authorities. But despite the fact he
was correct, his reactions and behavior had not resulted in changing
the employees ’ behavior. And, in fact, his emotional reactions provoked
such a storm in the employees that typically the desired change in work
procedures was lost.
A series of solutions was suggested, including conflict coaching
for the manager. The coaching was designed to assist him to develop
a new repertoire of responses to negative or confronting behavior by
the staff.
I adopted a consulting role that included information provision, ques-
tioning, teaching, and empathetic understanding. We began with setting
manageable, concrete goals that were accompanied by activities, includ-
ing developing an understanding of confl ict, recognizing the value in
using effective conflict strategies, and role - playing effective conflict
management techniques. The manager, however, seemed to struggle
with enacting the expected behavior even in role play situations. In fact,
I could provoke the behaviors experienced by his staff in the manager
quite quickly (that is, emotional responses, rule - focused reactions,
and so on). It was apparent that a hidden emotional reaction may
have been creating a barrier for the implementation of new conflict
resolution actions.
Through more exploration, it became clear that the manager ’ s imme-
diate reaction to employee noncompliance or overt defi ance was fear.
This fear stemmed from his worry that he would be seen as inept by
his boss, the union, and human resources. It was his belief — that others
would identify his presumed inadequacy — and the accompanying worry
or fear that triggered his self - protective anger and his insistence that
the employees act appropriately. This emotional response triggered
a number of maladaptive behaviors and prevented opportunities to learn
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence44
more adaptive behaviors. Until we were able to negate the impact of this
emotion, no amount of training or teaching would suffi ce.
In situations such as this, one strategy that is quite effective is to assist
the person to examine the truth behind the emotional reaction. Often
people will hold a belief that not only is incorrect but also provokes a
strong negative emotion that, in turn, leads to unproductive behaviors. In
this case, we examined the “ truth ” of his sense of personal inadequacy.
I often use the metaphor of trying to put the issue on the table.
In this strategy, I try to get the client to focus his or her attention on
a table in front of us by imagining the issue is “ on the table. ” This
externalizes the problem and allows the individual to reduce his or her
emotional reactions so that he or she can be more rational and thought-
ful about it. Then we examine evidence, as one might do in a court of
law, about the belief, and we look for evidence that is supportive or
contrary to the belief. In the case of the manager, there was an over-
whelming set of evidence that he was very competent (for example, past
performance evaluations, statements by his boss) and no evidence that he
was inadequate. He learned that he couldn ’ t use his worry as evidence.
He acknowledged that his propensity to think that others viewed him
as inadequate was an infl uence from early experiences growing up and
that it was clearly not true in the present context. This insight allowed
him to develop a new belief that had solid evidence: “ I am a competent
manager dealing with a diffi cult situation. ”
In order to help him to deal with his anxiety and to focus on the task
at hand, I taught him a technique to breathe effectively and maintain his
attention and focus in the present moment. The idea of being fully pres-
ent can be a powerful tool for individuals involved in confl ict. Once he
was able to breathe effectively and maintain his attention in the present
moment, I asked him to remind himself of his new belief. He spontane-
ously created a mantra or internal cue for himself of “ Breathe, Present,
I ’ m okay, ” which he eventually shortened to BPOK. This held specifi c and
powerful meaning for him.
When he became comfortable with these techniques, I was able to
teach effective confl ict resolution techniques (listening, clarifying, para-
phrasing). I helped him to understand that his fear response may continue
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 45
or recur, as it was likely that this response was embedded in his reac-
tions to events. It is important for confl ict advisors to predict that the
old reactions may occur again but that the client can have greater con-
trol over it with the new skills. This emphasis on competency rather
than mastery is important in helping individuals cope with “ slips ”
rather than become discouraged and give up.
Relatively quickly, the manager was able to use the process of
breathing, being present, and recognizing his competence even when
his fear was triggered. He was able to use newly learned conflict
management techniques in both provocative role play situations and
ultimately in real - life situations when having diffi cult conversations
with the staff.
At the end of our work together, he was able to stop his negative,
anger - inducing reactions and replace them with appropriate conflict
management techniques that resulted in the work - related issues being
addressed without a great deal of confl ict. The manager ’ s work stress
reduced significantly, and conflict in the department reduced to an
acceptable and manageable level. The manager felt confident and
competent in his newfound awareness and skills. The manager, his staff,
and the team were able to return their focus to their individual and
collective strengths and the core activities of the workplace.
Fear and other distressing emotions can cause us to lose balance and react in
negative ways. Our next section looks at one approach to regaining balance.
CENTERING
The process of centering has its roots in the martial arts. Our friend and
colleague Judy Ringer is an instructor in the martial art of aikido and a confl ict
management trainer in New Hampshire. She makes wonderful use of meta-
phors and lessons from aikido in her confl ict training. We fi nd her work with
centering to be particularly valuable and are happy that she was willing to
share the following tips and stories. We hope you fi nd her stories and tips to be
valuable as well.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence46
People will push our buttons. Confl ict will happen. What choices will we
make? As Craig and Tim write in Building Confl ict Competent Teams,
“ Once you understand the behaviors that can push your hot buttons,
begin to look at ways to keep them from getting out of control. ”
In aikido, the Japanese martial art that I practice and teach, we use
a physical centering practice that offers this kind of control through
focused awareness on the breath, the body, and the environment. On
the mat and moving from center, I align with the attacker ’ s energy and
redirect it while disarming the attack. Similarly, off the mat and breath-
ing from center, I can acknowledge my emotional energy and manage
it more intentionally. Whether on the mat or off, when I center, I collect
myself physically and emotionally. I ’ m present to my surroundings and
ready for whatever may come.
You can try centering yourself right now. Your physical center of
gravity is an internal balance point approximately two inches below the
navel. In aikido, we call it tanden, or one - point. You center yourself by
focusing on this balance point. Stop reading, stand up, and focus your
thoughts on your center, your tanden. Direct your weight toward that
spot. Breathe in and out from center. Do you feel calm? Confi dent? More
present? Ask a partner to gently push on you. You ’ ll notice that you ’ re
stable and can redirect the push through your center into the ground.
You can increase your understanding of center by moving in and out
of the centered state and identifying the differences in the quality of your
being. Once you become familiar with the feeling of centeredness, you will
access it quickly and easily. It only takes a thought to bring you back.
To choose center under pressure takes awareness of our uncentered
state. When rising emotion and tension take hold of my body, if I can
notice the tension coming over me, I can make a choice to center myself
and create the next moment with awareness and purpose. I move from
reaction to response, and I regain fl exibility, balance, and power. Acquir-
ing this life skill takes time, practice, and commitment to making the
change in ourselves.
My own experience with the practice of centering, as well as the
stories of students and colleagues, reinforces my conviction that as we
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 47
become more centered, the social intelligence of our environment
changes. Our centeredness is contagious. As we change, we infl uence the
energy in the room, on the phone, and yes, even in that e - mail!
Examples of centering and its effects in the workplace are numerous.
One participant, Sam, wrote me that after attending a conference work-
shop I presented on centering and purposeful communication, he was
immediately offered an opportunity to put centering into practice.
Upon returning to his offi ce that day, he was surprised by an unantici-
pated meeting concerning a policy confl ict that had been keeping him
up nights — a meeting that could easily have turned confrontational but
did not.
Sam is the director of a multifamily housing program in northern
New England. Among his responsibilities is interpreting complex and
controversial Housing and Urban Development (HUD) policy changes.
One recent change affected how homes are appraised, and many
area appraisers were unaware of the new policy. As a consequence, their
appraisals of properties were coming in high.
One particular transaction was questioned by HUD and ended up in
limbo for fi ve months. When Sam explained that the appraiser ’ s meth-
odology put the transaction at risk and quite possibly thirty elderly resi-
dents out of a home, the developer and his consultant accused Sam of
interfering.
The afternoon Sam retuned from the conference, the developer and
consultant arrived unexpectedly to talk about the confl ict with Sam ’ s
boss. Sam was caught off guard and unprepared.
In Sam ’ s words:
Upon learning that the developer and consultant were in the
building I made sure to begin some centered deep breathing. I
reminded myself that this wasn ’ t about me and thought about how
this could be an opportunity to hear their side of the story and fi nd
some common ground. I asked that they be shown into a neutral
meeting room rather than meet in my offi ce and spent a few min-
utes gathering my thoughts and staying positive. Instead of focus-
ing on whether I was right or wrong and defending my position,
I projected confi dence in the process that was about to unfold.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence48
We sat around the oval table in the meeting room, and I tried to
fi nd a relaxed position. I continued to breathe and remind myself
that this could be a good opportunity to find a new path that
would allow us to acknowledge differences and reach a better
outcome.
After some introductory conversation while waiting for my boss,
the developer and consultant began to rather emotionally pres-
ent their position. I forced myself not to defend myself and instead
focused on really listening to what they had to say . . . . This was
very hard to do. Reminding myself to stay calm and centered, once
they fi nished, I acknowledged some things that they had said that
I did agree with and talked about the need to be accurate, con-
sistent, and fair in how we approach the appraisal issue. Some
good information was shared, and I felt a shift in the fl ow of the
conversation.
As I continued to relax, I sensed that they, too, were transitioning
from a position of challenge and confrontation to one of coopera-
tion and purpose. We all wanted to see the sale happen for the same
reasons, and there were valid issues on both sides. Rather than get-
ting caught in the trap of digging in on our respective differences, we
were able to move to a place where new ideas and approaches could
be used to solve the problem and both end up in a better place.
The upshot is I slept better over the weekend and communicated
with others involved about what we might do as a result of the dif-
fi cult conversation. I could fi nally let go, and instead of fear and
defensiveness, I could look forward to problem solving in a more
enlightened and forward - thinking way.
This kind of story is common. When one person decides to cool down,
slow down, and engage constructively, all are affected. Everything
changes.
Susan is the manager of a quality control team in an international
biomedical corporation. Things had not been going well at work. She ’ d
lost her top performer, and the rest of the team was making frequent
and unacceptable mistakes. The stress of having to pick up the missing
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 49
teammate ’ s work was affecting Susan mentally and emotionally. She,
too, was waking up nights thinking about what to say to her team about
their poor performance.
The morning of their staff meeting, Susan woke in a bad mood, after
one more restless night. She felt like screaming at her team to get their
act together. On the way to work, however, she realized if she went into
the meeting with these negative feelings it would only make matters
worse.
She decided to center. As she focused on her breathing, her center of
gravity, and on her positive intention, she began to reframe the confl ict
and see her team differently. They were not working against her or try-
ing to undermine her. She saw them as one team, all there to do a job
and facing the challenges together. As she took a few more minutes in
the car to breathe and fi nd her center, she focused on welcoming the
energy from the group and redirecting it toward solutions.
At the meeting Susan remained relaxed and centered; the team began
to brainstorm ideas on how to manage the workload without their star
teammate; and together they made plans to meet their challenges.
Sam and Susan were able to create their environments on purpose.
For them, centering is a mind - body practice they think about and engage
in regularly, not only in diffi cult moments. If we want to get better at
something, we have to practice, and there is no limit to the ways we can
practice centering.
When you center yourself, you access a state of being that helps you
notice, appreciate, and manage your hot buttons, transform your rela-
tionships, and enjoy being alive.
COGNITIVE REAPPRAISAL
New biological research has shown that a process called cognitive reappraisal
can be a potent method for regulating emotions (Ochsner, Bunge, Gross, and
Gabrieli, 2004). Reappraisal (also known as reframing ) involves a cognitive process
through which the facts underlying a confl ict are reexamined for nonthreatening,
alternative explanations.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence50
Professor James Gross from Stanford University is a leading expert on emotion
regulation. He shared with us some insights about how to use this approach and
why it is effective (Craig ’ s conversation with James Gross, April 20, 2009). Key
suggestions and observations include:
Cognitive reappraisal involves using alternative interpretations of the meanings
about situations.
Emotions have control precedence in crises (so if you want to manage confl ict,
you need to manage emotions).
It is helpful to understand how emotions unfold and to recognize that you have
options other than just acting them out or suppressing them.
Emotions emerge over time, regenerating in waves that ebb and fl ow.
Reappraisal can be used at any point during an emotional sequence.
Being aware of your current emotional state is important so that you can know
when you are off balance and need to use reappraisal.
Recognizing that being upset isn ’ t in your best interest can provide impetus to
reappraise the situation.
One approach is changing the meaning of what you see. Dr. Gross gives the
example of seeing someone crying on the steps of a church. At fi rst, you might see
this as an unhappy situation, such as a funeral. Alternatively, the person might
be crying for joy, after a wedding. Our fi rst impressions and interpretations are
often affected by our own life experiences. So, two people viewing the same scene
may construe it very differently.
In workplace contexts, many conflicts arise from just such misinterpreta-
tions. One person may say, “ I ’ ll be glad to take on that task, ” with the intention of
helping others out. The recipient of the message may interpret it as an attempt to
invade his turf. On the one hand, this describes the gap between the intention and
impact of the speaker. It also describes how a particular reading of the situation
on the part of the recipient can result in negative impressions and upset feelings.
To use cognitive reappraisal, you have to challenge your original construal. Is
it the only way of seeing the situation? Are there rational, nonthreatening ways of
understanding the matter?
When you are able to develop and consider such alternatives, interesting
changes occur in the brain. Brain imaging shows that patterns associated with
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•
•
•
•
•
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 51
negative emotions begin to lessen, and those associated with more positive emo-
tional states emerge (Ochsner and others, 2004). People begin to calm down and
are more able to access and use constructive behaviors.
A second approach involves reconsidering the personal importance of the situ-
ation. This is equivalent to the notion, “ Don ’ t sweat the small stuff. ” While it may
be true that the other person ’ s actions if construed in a particular way might be ir-
ritating, is it worth bothering yourself about it? Looking at the broader perspective
can help temper our emotional reactions.
Professor Gross admits that most people have little practice using the technique
of cognitive reappraisal. Fortunately, walking through sample confl icts can be an
effective practice technique.
There are several approaches we suggest for doing this. One involves remem-
bering a conflict in which you got upset. Carefully note how you initially saw
or interpreted what was happening and what the motives of the other person
were. At this point, we suggest thinking about other possible explanations. You
may initially want to reject these other alternatives as unrealistic, particularly
given your “ knowledge ” of the other person. We encourage you to withhold judg-
ment and participate in the brainstorming effort, assuming for the moment that
the other person wasn ’ t acting out of a malevolent intent. Remember, the point
of this exercise is not to discern the objective truth about what happened,
but rather to come up with possible alternative ways of appraising the situation.
The more you can remain open to the possibility of alternate scenarios, the more
effective the exercise becomes. By seeing alternatives, tensions begin to recede be-
cause the confl ict threat is no longer so certain. Again, it is important to stress
that you are using this technique to regulate your emotions so that you can more
effectively use constructive engagement techniques. You may ultimately find
out that your initial understanding was correct and that you will want to take
action to address that situation, but at least you will be able to do so from a more
balanced emotional state.
Another approach that can help people practice reappraisal and reinforce its
validity involves thinking of a confl ict in which they misinterpreted or misun-
derstood someone else and became angry or afraid. As an individual recalls a
story, she describes the situation and her initial interpretation of it — the one that
turned out to be wrong. As she describes her original appraisal, she describes why
it was an understandable one given the circumstances or her history with the
other person.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence52
At that point, she shares what really was going on and what the other person ’ s
real motivations were. It is useful to also have her explain why the original con-
strual was a reasonable, understandable one for someone in her shoes. This helps
reinforce the notion that our original interpretations and attributions often seem
eminently reasonable even though they turn out to be wrong. We sometimes get
people to talk about other times when they felt certain their initial impression was
correct only to have it turn out wrong.
If you can get people to admit that fi rst impressions can be and perhaps often
are wrong, it helps them open up to alternative explanations. In effect, it makes it
easier for them to use cognitive reappraisal.
We have participants in our programs talk about how things turned out when
the misunderstanding was clarifi ed. We ask if they were surprised by the fi nal
explanation of the situation. Could they see how this version, which escaped their
initial awareness, was probably a believable alternative from the start?
Finally, we ask them to talk about how they felt about the other person and
the situation once things were cleared up. While the individual may initially talk
about how he felt guilty, silly, or sorry for the misunderstanding, he reconsiders
how he felt toward the other. Did his anger, fear, or resentment lessen? Did he feel
better about the other person, perhaps less threatened by or suspicious of them?
Did he feel more positive about moving forward?
When people are able to recognize that they are upset, and slow things down,
they can consider how they are looking at the situation and then begin to look for
other nonthreatening alternatives. When successful, this helps bring down ten-
sions and enables people to achieve emotional balance. At that point, they can
begin to use more constructive communication techniques to effectively resolve
confl icts.
The process of reappraisal may be helped by the next emotion regulation tech-
nique we address, known as mindfulness (Garland, Gaylord, and Park, 2009).
MINDFULNESS
The approach called mindfulness or awareness has its origins in contemplative
or meditative traditions. It is based on the belief that our thinking affects our
emotions and vice versa. When we are in conflict, distressing thoughts about
the issue or the other person can lead to fear and anger, which in turn provide
fuel for further negative thinking. Mindfulness is an approach to breaking this
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 53
cycle and helping us regain emotional balance. One defi nition is, “ Mindfulness is
the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present
moment, and non - judgmentally to things as they are ” (Williams, Teasdale, Segal,
and Kabat - Zinn, 2007).
People use different terms to describe this process, such as awareness, presence,
observing, disengagement, and going to the balcony. In confl ict contexts, the process
involves slowing down, stepping back, and observing what you are feeling and
thinking rather than being caught up in the thoughts and feelings.
Although the practice derives from meditative traditions, it can be used with-
out reference to its spiritual or religious roots. In more recent times, mindfulness
has been used to help people deal with anxiety and depression in clinical settings.
A process called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) was developed at
the University of Massachusetts Medical School to help patients deal with pain
and anxiety. More recently, mindfulness has been used to address depression in a
practice called Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy.
Mindfulness allows people to see thoughts and feelings as passing phenomena.
Just as cloud shapes come and go, so too do thoughts and feelings. What feels so
overwhelming in the moment can change and dissolve after a short time — unless
we continue to ruminate about the matter. When we are able to step back and dis-
engage from being obsessed about what the other person did to cause the confl ict
and how mad we feel about it, the intensity begins to diminish and we are held
less captive by our emotions. The cycle of negative thoughts begetting negative
emotions begetting more negative thoughts is broken. We no longer identify our
sense of self with the negative thoughts and feelings, and as a consequence they
lose their hold over us (Tolle, 2008). We also become more open and curious to
what is happening and less likely to use avoidance behaviors.
Mindfulness changes brain functioning. Researchers have found that when
people use mindfulness techniques, their brain patterns change from ones associ-
ated with negative emotions to ones associated with more positive affect (Siegel,
2007; Davidson and others, 2003; Begley, 2007). So if people can effectively use
this approach, they change not only their thinking but their brains as well.
Mindfulness Techniques
A variety of approaches can be used to help develop awareness skills. Let ’ s go back
to the defi nition just presented. Mindfulness involves purposely paying attention,
being in the present moment, and suspending judgment.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence54
In conflict, this means paying attention to your thoughts and feelings —
observing them rather than being swept away by them. It means doing this in the
present moment. When we are upset, we often think more about what has hap-
pened to cause the confl ict (in the past) and about what we intend to do about it
(in the future). We have diffi culty staying in the present — being in touch with the
sensations we are feeling in our body (tightness, unsteadiness), what thought pat-
terns are occurring, and what emotions we are feeling. We are experiencing all of
these sensations, thoughts, and feelings, but we are relatively unaware of them. It is
as though we are on autopilot and not very conscious of what is happening to us.
Being mindful involves suspending judgment for the moment. If we observe
our thoughts and feelings and then berate ourselves for having them, we launch
a new set of negative things to dwell on. Being observant while withholding
judgment allows things to settle down and for balance to return.
So what are some of the techniques that can be used to practice mindfulness?
You can try being mindful about all kinds of things in your life. A number of
books provide exercises that you can follow. We particularly like The Mindful Way
Through Depression because it provides a wide range of exercises; an accompa-
nying CD by Jon Kabat - Zinn, who was a key developer of the MBSR program;
and a framework that can be used to connect the various practices (Williams and
others, 2007).
I (Craig) had the pleasure recently of attending a mindfulness retreat hosted by
the Florida Community of Mindfulness. Participants were provided with opportu-
nities to experience mindfulness in different circumstances — including a number
described in The Mindful Way Through Depression book. After an introduction to
the concept of mindfulness, participants tried being very aware of their breathing.
As we became aware of the feelings associated with both inhalation and exhala-
tion, a certain calm emerged. Our minds slowed down. Thoughts would come and
go, but we were encouraged to gently bring our attention back to our breath when
we were aware that it had strayed. We were reminded that distractions happen
naturally and frequently. We needn ’ t berate ourselves when it happened (in other
words, we could be nonjudgmental).
Later in the retreat, we participated in two walking exercises. The fi rst occurred
inside and involved walking in a circle with other participants. The key was paying
attention to each step, noticing how our body was balanced and where each foot
was placed for each new step. It took awhile to get used to the practice, but over
time we found our minds less full of thoughts and more relaxed.
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 55
The second walking exercise was outside, through a local wildlife park. We
walked in silence and were encouraged to just observe things. Rather than trying
to name all the plants or calculate how many birds we saw, we were encouraged to
stay in the moment and just observe what we saw, heard, or felt. This included
observing the sensation of the sun on your skin or how a breeze felt when it
passed.
Once again, as we became more observant of what was happening here and
now, there was a slowing of thinking. Occasionally one ’ s mind would turn to an
errand you wanted to do later or some work - related problem, but when you be-
came aware of it, you would gently return to the present moment and begin ob-
serving what was here and now anew. Again, an easing of tensions and a general
positive mood emerged.
We practiced mindfully doing some stretching and yoga exercises. We were
encouraged to move slowly through these exercises and be very aware of feelings
in our bodies. When we stretched, we looked for areas of tightness and the sen-
sations that occurred. It was fascinating to feel the tingling, almost burning
sensation when a tight muscle began to be stretched. We didn ’ t push hard, so as
to avoid injury, but enough so we could feel the body ’ s response. It was possible to
focus on sensations, even those that were a little uncomfortable, in a new way. We
learned not to immediately pull back just because something was unpleasant.
We could observe it dispassionately and with a sense of curiosity, and we noticed
our relationship to the sensation begin to change. It no longer caused us to im-
mediately react. It was possible to stay aware, open, and curious about the feeling.
These, of course, are key elements of being able to manage confl ict effectively.
The retreat included a lunchtime exercise in eating mindfully. In a society that
is always on the go, eating often means grabbing something quickly and not hav-
ing time to savor the meal. Our retreat lunch was completely the opposite. We
were given guidance in how to make the meal into a mindfulness exercise. In
particular, we ate slowly and carefully observed how the food felt in our mouths
(texture; tastes — salty, sour, bitter, sweet; hot or cold), the fl avor as we chewed it,
and how it felt as we swallowed. The experience was rich and dramatic compared
to an ordinary eating experience.
Similar kinds of practice can be done with thoughts and feelings. As described
in The Mindful Way Through Depression, you can invite a diffi cult situation (like a
confl ict) into your mind and then focus on how it makes you feel. You can notice
any physical sensations (increased heart rate, tightness, sweating, and so on).
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence56
You can be aware of what thoughts arise in your mind around the confl ict and
what emotions are evoked by it. By being aware and open to these elements, you
accept them rather than try to push them away. We particularly like the approach
described in the book to enhance acceptance by saying to yourself, “ It ’ s okay.
Whatever it is, it ’ s already here. Let me be open to it ” (Williams and others, 2007,
p. 152).
I (Craig) have practiced this technique with interesting results. I think of a con-
fl ict that I ’ ve had or am having and begin to stew about it for a moment. I remem-
ber some of the thoughts and feelings I originally had. At some point I started
observing my thoughts and feelings. As I observe them rather than being wrapped
up in them, I feel my agitation recede and an openness and curiosity emerge. At
that point I try to change pace and get immersed in the thoughts and feelings
again. I could feel the tension rise again. At that point I would try the mindfulness
processes again and regularly found that the anxiety would decrease.
Our colleague, Michael Hoppe, a former instructor at the Center for Creative
Leadership, also used an adaptation of mindfulness in exercises. He and his
coinstructors would create a space in the room where participants could go when
they began to feel upset about something. More than just a time - out space, this
witnessing perch or balcony, as it was called, was a place where people could go
to observe and refl ect on what was happening to themselves and with others in
a group. The person could objectively look at himself or herself and disengage
from the thoughts and emotions that were causing turmoil. The program facili-
tator could intervene when someone appeared upset and encourage them to go
to the witnessing perch. The rules and norms of the program gave legitimacy to
people going there on their own volition or for the facilitator to suggest that
participants do so. This made it much easier to take advantage of this approach to
cool down when one ’ s emotions were getting the best of him (Craig ’ s conversation
with Michael Hoppe, May 5, 2009).
Practice Builds Skill
Since confl ict is so prevalent, there will be plenty of chances to practice these tech-
niques should you choose to do so. At the same time, it takes practice to build new
skills, particularly when the need for them arises in stressful contexts.
Fortunately, mindfulness skills can be developed in nonstressful contexts.
When the phone rings, don ’ t answer it on the fi rst ring. Take that short moment
to slow down and become aware of how you are feeling. When you ’ re eating your
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 57
breakfast, try eating at least a part of it very consciously. Rather than reading the
paper or talking, spend a few moments being very aware of the eating experience.
As you enhance your skills, your ability to focus and become aware in stressful sit-
uations will improve. In the beginning it may only be after an argument that you
become aware that you were not being mindful during the confl ict. As you prac-
tice, the more likely you will be able to catch yourself in the midst of distress and
begin to use these techniques to help gain emotional equilibrium (Tolle, 2004).
The Mindful Way Through Depression presents a helpful exercise for dealing with
stressful contexts. The authors call it “ the three - minute breathing exercise. ” When
you become aware of distress, they recommend stopping and observing what you are
thinking and feeling and the body sensations you are having. After this, they suggest
focusing your attention on your breathing and give specifi c suggestions for doing
this. Finally, they suggest expanding your fi eld of awareness to include a sense of your
body, posture, and facial expressions (Williams and others, 2007, pp. 182 – 183). This
process is meant to change your stance toward what is happening. It helps stop our
entanglement with negative thoughts and feelings and allows slowing down, cooling
down, and regaining balance.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of The Mindful Brain and Mindsight, says that such
exercises help activate parts of the brain that support receptivity as opposed to
reactivity (Siegel, 2007, 2010). The exercises enable people to distinguish their
thoughts from themselves : “ You can see mental activity as something different than
you are ” (Craig ’ s conversation with Daniel Siegel, June 26, 2009). By being aware
of sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts, you are able to reshape your internal
world and respond to confl icts in a more balanced manner.
CORE CONCERNS APPROACH
Another approach focusing on cultivation of positive emotions is the core con-
cerns model developed by Dan Shapiro and Roger Fisher of Harvard University
in their book, Beyond Reason (Fisher and Shapiro, 2005). They identify fi ve core
relational concerns, common to all people, which when addressed can create posi-
tive emotions that help in dealing with confl ict and negotiation contexts.
The fi ve core concerns include:
1. Appreciation: Acknowledging the merit of the thoughts, feelings, and actions
of others and yourself. This includes understanding the other person, genu-
inely fi nding merit in what he says or does or how he feels about an issue,
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence58
and letting him know what it is that you appreciate. It also involves helping
the other person appreciate you.
2. Affi liation: Building connections with others. This concerns fi nding things
in common with the other person, building trust, and treating each other as
colleagues.
3. Autonomy: Respecting the rights of others to make their own decisions as
well as for you to make your own. Refraining from impinging on others ’
autonomy to make their own decisions while retaining the right to make
your own builds respect and prevents people from being imposed upon by
others.
4. Status: Acknowledging others ’ and your own areas of status. Everyone has
special talents and characteristics. Treating others with the respect they de-
serve can enhance esteem and make people feel good.
5. Role: Defi ne and support fulfi lling roles for yourself and others. If you feel
your role is unfulfi lling, it can be disheartening. Our colleague, Bill Rusak, a
longtime business executive, always made a point to emphasize the impor-
tance of all his employees ’ roles in promoting important organizational or
societal outcomes. A sanitation worker might not have a high - profi le job,
but if he of she doesn ’ t do it well, public health can be seriously jeopar-
dized.
Shapiro and Fisher suggest that it is easier to address these core concerns
than to worry about managing the myriad emotions we may experience. Their
approach aims at building positive emotions while at the same time lessening
the chances that negative emotions will emerge. We recommend their book and
a course that Dan Shapiro teaches at the Harvard Program on Negotiation.
Showing Respect
We want to focus on one aspect of the core concerns model. This involves showing
respect to others. While respect is a part of all of the core concerns, we particularly
like its use in the fi rst concern, which involves expressing appreciation for the
other person ’ s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
It costs very little to show some respect for the other person in a confl ict. Our
colleague, Jennifer Lynch, QC, who was appointed the chief commissioner of the
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 59
Canadian Human Rights Commission in 2007, developed a confl ict model called
VALUED. The elements include:
V Validate
A Ask (open - ended questions)
L Listen (to test assumptions)
U Uncover interests
E Explore options
D Decide (on solutions)
The fi rst step involves validating the other person. If someone has angered us,
we often respond by attacking their view of things. Jennifer says that this is the
time to stop and offer some form of validation to the other person, perhaps by
acknowledging that he or she feels strongly about an issue, and it is important
that it be addressed. Showing respect to another person does not mean that you
agree with him, just that you respect him enough to treat his ideas, feelings, and
actions seriously.
We fi nd a good way to help people develop this skill is to have them practice
with past confl icts. When we are working with a group, we divide people into small
groups and have them describe their confl ict and the person with whom they had
it with the other participants. At this point we ask if she genuinely fi nds merit
with how the other person thought about the confl ict. We also ask the person to
refl ect on how the other person felt about the confl ict and how he acted during the
confl ict. This is not as easy as it seems, because many times people do not have a
very good understanding of how the other person thought or felt about the confl ict.
In these cases, we have them refl ect on how the other person probably thought or
felt about the confl ict. We encourage the other participants to share alternative
thoughts or feelings that the other person might have had. Once this is complete,
the participant is again asked to consider the potential merit in these thoughts and
feelings. We do not ask them to judge whether the other person ’ s thoughts or feelings
are objectively correct. Rather, we ask them to look at them to see if they have merit.
We do not want the participant to make something up. It is important for the
participant to fi nd something he genuinely believes has merit (even though it
might not turn out to be correct).
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence60
After he has discovered a thought or feeling that has merit, then we have him
practice how he could express appreciation to the other person about how that
person thought, felt, or acted. As we mentioned before, it might be something as
simple as recognizing that the person has a strong emotion about something
and validating that you respect that emotion as genuine and worthy of being ad-
dressed. He might also comment on a thought that the other person had and
recognize that this is a reasonable or understandable way to view the situation,
even if he sees it another way.
When people feel respected it boosts their self - esteem. This can cause them
to feel more positive and lessen tensions. As this occurs, people can begin to
listen to one another more carefully and consider new approaches to solving
their problems. Fred Eppsteiner, a psychotherapist and teacher with the Florida
Community of Mindfulness, shared with us an approach for dealing with ongo-
ing confl ict called the beginning anew ceremony. It incorporates a process called
“ watering seeds ” in which people in a group acknowledge positive aspects of one
another. They also admit any ways they have contributed to a problem, and then
talk about the emotional pain that has been caused. Fred said that this helps clear
the air and enable people to move on (Craig ’ s and Tim ’ s conversation with Fred
Eppsteiner, May 19, 2009).
We also recommend celebrating successes — small ones and large ones. The
positive feelings that can come from a job well done can help lift people ’ s spirits.
Sometimes people think that doing one ’ s job shouldn ’ t require additional kudos.
While that may be true in one sense, in terms of helping improve resilience and
the ability to deal with confl icts, we say, “ Celebrate! ”
CHANGING FOCUS
When emotions arise in confl ict settings, they are triggered by the way we think
about the situation, giving rise to the confl ict. One way to manage emotions is to
think differently about the circumstances. It is a cognitive approach that can be
very effective.
Another technique is embodied by common adages like “ Take your mind off the
problem ” or “ Think of something more positive. ” This approach involves changing
one ’ s focus or attention. Thomas Jefferson advised, “ When angry count to ten before
you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred. ” The reason this process helps
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 61
is that it breaks the mind ’ s absorption in the negative thoughts related to the
confl ict. This, in turn, disrupts the emotional reactions stemming from these
thoughts.
Sometimes people suggest taking a break when things get tense and going out-
side for a walk to change the context. If, while on the walk, the person is able
to enjoy the sights and stop thinking about the confl ict, this can be helpful. If,
however, the walk turns into a time when the person continues to stew about the
problem, then little relief will be found.
We fi nd it is helpful for people to think about or imagine something that is
relaxing or inspiring to them. I (Craig) was once in a coaching session with a cli-
ent who became quite upset in confl ict settings, so much so that it prevented her
from dealing with issues in a suitable manner. She wanted to fi nd some way to
calm down so she could relate to people in the way she wanted. It was obviously a
problem for her, and she became tense even discussing it. I asked her about what
she found to be calming. Almost at once, a smile came on her face. She began to
talk about taking her boat out onto the lake and just fl oating quietly. As she spoke,
I could see her body relax, and her mood continued to brighten. By the end of the
coaching session, she determined that one technique she would use to cool down
during confl icts would be to take a short break, go somewhere she could be alone,
and visualize herself out on the lake, in her boat.
The benefit of imagining something positive is that a person ’ s mood can
brighten, and this not only helps emotions calm, but also supports adaptive
thinking — looking for how to make the best out of a situation.
A number of people fi nd that refl ecting on religious or spiritual themes helps
them deal with upsetting emotions by providing an uplifting alternative to nega-
tive thoughts. This sometimes takes the form of quotes like “ This, too, shall pass ”
or prayers such as the serenity prayer (Niebuhr, 1987). Various meditative or con-
templative practices have also been shown to lessen tension and help regulate
emotions, as we saw in the section on mindfulness.
POSITIVE EMOTIONS
We have seen that negative thoughts can trigger negative emotions that can
fuel more negative thoughts and so on. This in turn leads people to default into
destructive types of behavioral responses. Researchers in the fi eld of emotions
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence62
suggest that negative emotions trigger specifi c action tendencies that tend to be
fi ght - or - fl ight responses. It is as though we feel we have fewer alternatives for
action while we are experiencing negative emotions. We have talked about ways
of cooling down these enfl amed emotions. What if instead we could increase our
positive emotions? Would this help us deal with confl ict better?
In recent years, research into the fi eld of positive psychology and positive emo-
tions has revealed some helpful clues to these questions. Dr. Barbara Frederickson
has developed a broaden - and - build theory of positive emotions that suggests that
positive emotions broaden the array of thoughts and actions that come to our
mind. They increase our curiosity and ability to absorb new information. This
happens not only while you are experiencing the emotion but afterward as well,
as our thinking patterns are broadened in ways that help us deal with subsequent
threats (Frederickson, 2001).
This suggests that cultivating positive emotions may be an effective way of
addressing confl icts in which negative emotions can emerge. Frederickson sug-
gests that positive emotions serve as antidotes to negative emotions and can help
undo the narrowing tendencies they engender. They help people fi nd more positive
meaning and make more positive appraisals of stressful situations and even enable
people to refl ect on information in more complete and complex ways (Tugade and
Frederickson, 2004; Tugade, Frederickson, and Barrett, 2004). It appears that posi-
tive emotions also help increase people ’ s resilience, which in turn helps them deal
with the stress and setbacks that can come with confl icts (Cohn and others, 2009).
Cultivating Positive Emotions
How can one go about cultivating positive emotions? A number of approaches
have been suggested, such as using humor and laughter and fostering a sense of
gratitude. Different types of meditative practices have been shown to increase
brain function associated with positive affect (Davidson and others, 2003;
Frederickson, 2008).
We suggest that you think about things that inspire you and make you happy.
What brings you a deep sense of peace, contentment, and happiness? Since posi-
tive emotions seem to have a cumulative effect, we suggest you think about these
things on a regular basis. This can be diffi cult during the hustle - bustle of the day,
but it is still important. We recommend that you fi nd and set aside a few brief
times during the day when you can refl ect on these uplifting thoughts. It could be
at the very start of the day, right before or after lunch, and just before going home.
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 63
The key is to do it regularly so that you constantly replenish the positive emotions
that can bring so much into your life.
Another interesting approach is presented by work done at the Institute of
Heartmath. They have developed several techniques that involve focusing on the
heart area while self - generating a positive emotion like appreciation. Research
suggests these techniques can elevate people ’ s positive emotional states. (McCraty,
Atkinson, and Tomasino, 2003).
RESILIENCE
When you have experienced strong negative emotions, it takes a while to recover.
In the short - term refractory period, you have to weather the storm. Sometimes,
though, these feelings last for a long time and interrupt a person ’ s capacity to
respond effectively. Then it becomes important to work on improving our
resilience. Confl ict coaching is a mechanism of choice for Cinnie Noble, founder
of CINERGY ® Coaching, a Toronto - based company that provides confl ict coach-
ing and training worldwide. We appreciate that Cinnie has shared her approach,
which can help people with this work.
This one - on - one process is a hybrid of executive coaching and confl ict man-
agement principles, and it is both a proactive and a reactive technique. Con-
fl ict coaching began to gain popularity as a distinct mechanism in the fi eld
of alternative dispute resolution in the 1990s and has grown exponentially
in both the coaching and confl ict management arenas since that time.
Goals of confl ict coaching in workplaces include:
To help people increase their competency to more effectively engage
in confl ict
To help individuals approach confl ict proactively and prevent
matters from escalating unnecessarily
To assist individuals to effectively manage an ongoing dispute
To help people resolve a dispute that ended in an unsatisfactory way
To prepare for mediation or other dispute resolution forum
To help leaders better manage their staff members ’ confl icts they
have with their coworkers and with themselves
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence64
To help leaders prepare for challenging conversations, such as
performance reviews and appraisals
To help participants apply and sustain their learning from confl ict
management training workshops
Most of my practice involves coaching individuals to improve their
confl ict competence, to be able to manage their disputes and engage
in confl ict more effectively. Similarly, as a mediator, I increasingly pro-
vide premediation using the CINERGY ® model to prepare people for this
process.
However, one component of confl ict management that I fi nd is often
overlooked in workplaces has to do with postconfl ict resilience. Specifi -
cally, many people experience an adverse reaction after an altercation or
after their participation in a dispute resolution process such as mediation.
This fact has the potential for continuing to challenge the individuals ini-
tially involved in the confl ict and other workplace relationships as well.
It also has implications for the nonresilient person ’ s ongoing and future
ability to engage in confl ict. Following are two examples of situations in
which one of the people in a dispute identifi es the impact of confl ict after
its occurrence.
David and John
David and John are midlevel managers who have worked in the
same company for three years. Mostly they see each other at
monthly meetings, at which time their competitive styles and
apparent need to win at all costs are evident. At a recent meeting,
David and John began to argue over the plan being proposed for
restructuring several departments. After the meeting, their man-
ager called them in and said she wanted them to participate in
mediation “ to get the issues between them sorted out once and
for all ” and to “ learn how to collaborate. ”
At the mediation, David and John discussed what they
considered the reasons for their clashes. The two men seemed to
come to a truce by the end of several highly charged sessions, and
they ultimately discussed a plan for how they will work collabora-
tively. However, a few months after the mediation, John decided
•
•
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 65
to see a coach. He told him that he had been blaming himself ever
since the mediation for things he said or wished he had said to
David and also for “ getting into such squabbles ” in the fi rst place.
John added that he is now reticent to disagree with David in meet-
ings and that he is not really sure he can be collaborative with
David when he still “ resents ” him.
Jennifer and Victor
Jennifer and Victor work in close proximity and their desks are
separated by a divider. Victor came on staff two months ago and
from the beginning he found Jennifer ’ s voice to be “ loud and stri-
dent. ” He has sent her several emails expressing his complaints. A
few times Victor also peered over the offi ce divider and asked Jen-
nifer to “ please keep your voice down. ” These messages started in
a friendly manner and over time have become angrier and more
sarcastic in tone and content.
Jennifer initially apologized to Victor and tried to be conscious
of her voice. Then, she too became angry at Victor and started to
blame him for being “ a bully. ” Last week, Jennifer screamed at
Victor to “ stop his nonsense and get over himself, ” after he sent
her an email that said “ PLEASE SHHHH. ” The two of them began
to argue and blame each other for various behaviors until one of
their coworkers intervened and told them they were being childish
and inconsiderate of everyone else. Both Jennifer and Victor went
back to their work, and they haven ’ t spoken since. Jennifer asked
for a transfer and was off on sick leave for two days. Yesterday,
she went to see a coach and told her that she has been agonizing
over a situation with her coworker Victor and that it ’ s typical of
her that she “ never seems to bounce back after arguments with
anyone. ”
These two examples of dissension demonstrate how confl ict can have
a lingering impact on ongoing interactions and how negative feelings
prevail. People who repeatedly experience postconfl ict repercussions have
typically developed confl ict - coping habits that tend to repeat themselves
from altercation to altercation. I have found that helping people closely ex-
amine their confl ict habits through coaching, including the consequences
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence66
of lack of resilience, strengthens their individual confl ict competence in
general. Similarly, coaching for other aspects of conflict management
strengthens clients ’ postconfl ict resilience. Relevant to this discussion is
also my experience that when people speak of even one factor that re-
fl ects lack of resilience, there are usually clusters of other responses to
confl ict that are apparent and related to the one(s) identifi ed.
The following exercise includes a number of behaviors that are often
indicative of lack of resilience and may be used to check one ’ s Confl ict
Resilience Quotient (CRQ). This tool, shown in Exhibit 3.1 , helps people
identify a range of variables that refl ect lack of resilience, so that they
are able to focus on and develop those that require strengthening.
To put this exercise into a confl ict coaching context, it helps to look
back on the two scenarios presented earlier. John continues to focus on
things he said or wished he had said to David. John criticizes himself about
how he acted in the meeting and is now reticent to disagree with David.
Exhibit 3.1 Confl ict Resilience Quotient
After most interpersonal confl icts, I usually tend to: Less True More True
Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize, or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me.
1 2 3 4 5
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did.
1 2 3 4 5
Refl ect on what I learned from the confl ict that will help me manage future disagreements.
1 2 3 4 5
Reach out to make amends with the other person.
1 2 3 4 5
Take responsibility for my part of the confl ict and consider what I may have done differently.
1 2 3 4 5
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 67
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways.
1 2 3 4 5
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening.
1 2 3 4 5
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself.
1 2 3 4 5
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways.
1 2 3 4 5
Not bad-mouth the other person to others.
1 2 3 4 5
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before.
1 2 3 4 5
Apologize for my part of the confl ict. 1 2 3 4 5
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it.
1 2 3 4 5
Not criticize, blame myself, or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do).
1 2 3 4 5
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do).
1 2 3 4 5
Total:
SCORING KEY
15–39 Hmmm . . . I guess you already know you are not confl ict resilient and
coaching is highly recommended.
40–54 Your confl ict resilience quotient is low and confl ict coaching is recom-
mended.
55–69 You are confl ict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to
strengthen your skills even more.
70–75 You are defi nitely confl ict resilient!
Source: From CINERGY® COACHING www.cinergycoaching.com.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence68
In his confl ict coaching, John identifi ed factors on the CRQ related to
these tendencies. He was surprised how much it resonated that he “ is not
able to move on ” and that he “ bears a grudge ” against David. All of these
points were signifi cant to John ’ s coaching, which ultimately helped pre-
pare him to have a one - on - one conversation with David aimed at fi nding
a way for them to disagree productively and to collaborate more effec-
tively. John acknowledged that he wanted to work on his competitive
style of communicating, which has caused him trouble in previous jobs.
In the scenario with Victor, Jennifer was able to identify a number of
factors on the CRQ to work on. She acknowledged that when she is in
confl ict, she does not readily recover and worries “ endlessly, ” choosing
to continuously avoid rather than to learn more effective ways of manag-
ing or resolving the confl ict. Jennifer ’ s coaching focused on helping her
gain increased awareness about her way of responding to confl ict. She
explored alternate ways she could manage confl ictual situations not only
with Victor but also with others who might provoke her in the future. In
this case, Jennifer decided not to transfer out of the work unit after all,
and she said she wanted to make amends with Victor. She was coached
on her goal to meet with Victor to discuss things, including how open he
was to meeting together with their manager about what sort of physical
setup may be more workable for them.
Some interpersonal conflicts are more upsetting than others.
Depending on the person and the nature of the situation, resolution
does not always occur. Even when it does, it may not be as mutual or
satisfactory as one might have hoped. Confl ict competent organizations
contemplate the full gamut of how confl ict affects the workplace and
its workforce and provide ways to address staff members ’ postconfl ict
resilience in their overall efforts to normalize confl ict. Whether it fol-
lows an interpersonal dispute that has occurred, after mediation or
other interaction or process in which staff engage, the importance of
offering ways to assist people with respect to postconfl ict repercussions
cannot be overstated. I have found that coaching staff to learn more
about themselves and how they manage issues before, during, and
after confl ict is critical to increasing their confl ict competence and their
Confl ict Resilience Quotient.
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The Emotional Side of Confl ict 69
SLOWING DOWN When confl ict arises, our emotions can get enfl amed. Adrenaline courses through
our bloodstream to prepare us for fi ght - or - fl ight responses to perceived threats.
Things speed up, and we become susceptible to reacting to situations without
thinking about the consequences. We have talked about how we can work at cool-
ing down in these situations. When these efforts are successful, we become calmer
and more balanced emotionally. Yet, sometimes despite our best efforts at cool-
ing down, our tensions continue to escalate, and before we know it, we say or do
something we later regret.
An effective strategy for gaining and maintaining emotional balance also
has a backup plan for when cooling down isn ’ t working. We call this process
“ slowing down. ” It involves taking a time - out to allow yourself extra time to apply
cooling down techniques.
When our negative emotions are aroused in confl icts, we enter a stage Ekman
(2003) calls a refractory period, in which emotions hold sway over our rational
mind. During this period, logical persuasion doesn ’ t work. The stronger the
emotions, the longer the refractory period can last (Goleman, 2003). During
this time, it is best to slow things down to give you more time to work on
cooling down.
In the heat of confl ict, it can be diffi cult to remember to slow down or to fi nd
a good way to ask for a time - out. So we recommend developing plans in advance
for what to do when things are racing in the wrong direction.
We have people develop ways of being able to know when to take a time - out
in the fi rst place. Since it is easy to get caught up in the moment and say some-
thing that is accompanied by your foot in your mouth, it is crucial to know when
it is time to stop ! One method is practicing becoming more aware of your feel-
ings. The section on mindfulness provided some tips for practicing this through
the day. As you become more conscious of your emotions, you will be able to
tell when negative emotions are becoming stronger, and you can slow down. You
could also ask trusted colleagues to let you know when it looks like you are getting
upset. If they help you out with this, you would do well to just thank them rather
than telling them in loud terms that “ I am not angry ! ”
Once you are aware that your emotions are aroused, you ’ ll need to signal your
desire for a time - out. This time is meant to give you a break so you can use the
techniques we described in the cooling down sections of this chapter. Depending
on the circumstances, you may only need a few moments, or in some instances
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence70
you may need more time to allow the cooling strategies to work. So it is good to
develop a few approaches to ask for some time.
If you only need a few minutes, you might ask for a coffee break or a restroom
break. In this case you are not commenting on your emotions but rather taking
a little time to breathe and clear your head. In more diffi cult situations, you may
have to ask for more time. We recommend having people write up ways in which
they could ask other people for such a break. This might look like, “ This is an
important issue and deserves our full attention. I need a little while to refl ect on
this so that I can do it justice. ” Another approach might be, “ I ’ m upset right now
and need some time to cool down so I can listen to you with the attention you
deserve. ” When people have in mind words that they can use when they are upset,
it takes the pressure off to come up with something at the exact time when their
brain is least able to concentrate to do it.
Slowing down also helps when you return to the discussion of the issue. The
factors that upset you in the fi rst place are still present and could reignite emo-
tional reactions. We particularly like the communication processes developed
by Dr. Sherod Miller for use by couples and by people in organizational settings
(Miller, 2009). These processes help people become more clear about what they
have perceived, thought, felt about a situation, how they have acted, and what
they want out of it. The particular techniques he employs with people help them
discuss these elements in a deliberate manner that helps slow things down and
keep emotions in balance. We talk more about how to slow things down as part of
constructive engagement of confl ict later in the book.
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71
Engaging Confl ict Constructively
So far, we ’ ve focused on improving the “ internal ” aspects of per-sonal confl ict competence. Understanding our attitudes about conflict, recognizing the value of conflict, and investigating our
natural responses to confl ict help us address it intellectually. Then,
learning how to cool down and slow down by managing our feel-
ings and/or pausing before reacting helps regulate our emotional
responses to confl ict. Next, we prepare to actively engage with our
confl ict partners. In this chapter, we look at ways to improve the way
we interact by utilizing constructive approaches and lessening or
avoiding the temptation to engage destructively.
CONSTRUCTIVE ENGAGEMENT
During our years of experience working with individuals, we ’ ve identifi ed four spe-
cifi c behavioral categories for constructively engaging in confl ict. There are no com-
pletely foolproof tactics, methods, or behaviors for dealing with confl ict. But the
consistent use of these four approaches will dramatically increase the chances that
you ’ ll not only resolve confl icts more effectively, you will discover a wealth of unfore-
seen ideas and possibilities in the very differences that caused the confl ict to arise.
We ’ ve identifi ed a general sequence for engaging in these four behaviors in the
model presented in Figure 1.2 . Most productive confl ict conversations begin (1)
with one party initiating or reaching out to the other. Next, there is meaningful
F O U R
� c h a p t e r
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence72
sharing comprised of (2) perspective taking and listening for understanding, and
(3) open, honest expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests. This continues,
when conducted successfully, with (4) problem solving and searching for collab-
orative outcomes. In between, of course, every confl ict is different. Even though
we suggest this general sequence, confl icts certainly don ’ t follow a script. It ’ s im-
portant that you use the most appropriate behavior at the right time during your
interactions.
These concepts and behaviors are very easy to understand. Tim ’ s wife,
Virginia, leads a team of prevention specialists in the Pinellas County, Florida,
middle schools. They teach students how to use these skills to settle disputes
and manage anger without resorting to violence. Duane Collette works with a
student mediation program called “ Peace Makers ” at an elementary school in
Washington state. He reports that fourth and fi fth graders are able to identify
and use these same constructive behaviors when they serve as peer mediators at
school. With programs such as these in progress, we have high hopes for a confl ict
competent world!
FOUR CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORAL ELEMENTS
In the following section of the chapter, we review four behavioral elements of
confl ict competence. We know that these behaviors and techniques work. The
emphasis here is on how to use them and when to apply them. We suggest options
for practicing these behaviors and exercises to prepare for using them. In essence,
we address what a person says and does when using each.
Reaching Out and Initiating Contact
Someone has to initiate the discussion. Reaching out involves an overt attempt to
resume communications with one ’ s confl ict partner once a confl ict has arisen. It
includes the intent to repair emotional damage caused during the confl ict. It may
include an apology or making amends.
Obviously each situation is unique. There are no detailed “ cookie cutter ” for-
mulas for phrasing the perfect reach out. However, there are components or char-
acteristics common to many effective instances of reaching out. When coaching or
encouraging someone to reach out, it may be useful to focus on certain character-
istics. Let ’ s look at four of the most common components of reaching out: overt
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 73
invitation, intent to address emotional damage, offer to take responsibility and
apologizing, and expressed interest in resolving the issue.
Overt Invitation Sometimes, keeping the effort simple and concise is the best approach. In the case of an overt invitation, one confl ict partner directly
asks the other to reengage in the discussion. The most critical aspect is to
phrase the question so that it invites rather than insists. Some sample invita-
tions include:
“ Would you like to talk? ”
“ I would very much appreciate an opportunity to discuss this with you
again. ”
“ Would you please join me in reviewing our recent conversation? ”
Intent to Address Emotional Damage The key aspect of this characteristic is clear communication of one ’ s intent. As we ’ ve discussed, most harmful confl ict
is connected to feelings and emotions. When one confl ict partner expresses a desire
to address and/or repair emotional damage, chances improve dramatically that
the confl ict can be resolved. Some sample phrases that communicate this intent
include:
“ I ’ d like to talk about the damage to our relationship. ”
“ I ’ m sure your feelings were hurt. Would you like to discuss that? ”
“ Can we focus on the emotional harm before we start talking about our
disagreement? ”
Offer to Take Responsibility and Apologizing When it ’ s clear that one party has said or done something that hurt the other, an offer to accept responsibility
goes a long way toward reengaging in a meaningful discussion. We don ’ t advocate
making an apology when it ’ s not warranted. However, there are very few state-
ments more powerful than an apology for restarting a confl ict discussion that ’ s
gone bad. When an apology is offered, it must include an offer to take responsibil-
ity. An apology offered with an excuse is not an apology at all. For practice, which
of the following do you think are good apologies and which are excuses?
1. “ I ’ m sorry. I didn ’ t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me. ”
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence74
2. “ My mouth just engages before I think sometimes. I ’ m very sorry. ”
3. “ I apologize. I was having a really bad day. ”
4. “ I ’ ve been under a lot of stress at work lately. I didn ’ t mean to come across
that way. ”
5. “ I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I hurt you. I hope you can
forgive me. ”
6. “ When you yelled at me, I should have kept my cool. I apologize. ”
7. “ Everything happened so fast. In the heat of the moment I probably said
some things I shouldn ’ t have. ”
8. “ Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to be very clear. ”
9. “ Sorry. It was just one of those things. ”
10. “ I ’ m sorry. Let ’ s focus on the future rather than the past, okay? ”
The correct answer may surprise some of you. In our estimation, only one of
the statements constitutes a “ good ” apology. We hate to admit it, but we ’ ve used
a number of these ourselves and wondered why they didn ’ t work! Here ’ s a quick
review with brief restatements and/or explanations:
1. “ I ’ m sorry. I didn ’ t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me. ” (Not realizing
or remembering may be true, but ultimately is an excuse.)
2. “ My mouth just engages before I think sometimes. I ’ m very sorry. ” (It ’ s my
mouth ’ s fault, not my fault.)
3. “ I apologize. I was having a really bad day. ” (Bad days don ’ t excuse poor
behavior.)
4. “ I ’ ve been under a lot of stress at work lately. I didn ’ t mean to come across
that way. ” (It ’ s my job ’ s fault, not mine.)
5. “ I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I hurt you. I hope you can
forgive me. ” (This is the only good one. It acknowledges the damage, accepts
responsibility, and seeks forgiveness.)
6. “ When you yelled at me, I should have kept my cool. I apologize. ” (But you
were wrong, too.)
7. “ Everything happened so fast. In the heat of the moment I probably said
some things I shouldn ’ t have. ” (Probably?)
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 75
8. “ Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to be very clear. ” (Let me ratio-
nalize my misbehavior.)
9. “ Sorry. It was just one of those things. ” (It ’ s no big deal that I hurt you.)
10. “ I ’ m sorry. Let ’ s focus on the future rather than the past, okay? ” (Get over it
already.)
While apologies should never be forced or phony, it may be helpful to think
about how to deliver them effectively. Small group work can be effective for prac-
ticing apologies. The key becomes, how does the person who receives the apology
understand it? The apology should make it clear to the other person that you un-
derstand what you have done that has harmed them, that you are sorry for it, and
that you will not do it again (Weeks, 2003).
We sometimes use a short exercise in our workshops that enables participants
to practice creating and delivering apologies.
1. Each person recalls a confl ict in which they felt sorry about something they
said or did to the other person, whether or not they tried apologizing about it.
They write down a short apology they could have made.
2. The members of the group take turns sharing their story and the apology
they wrote. The other members of the group put themselves in the position of
the individual ’ s confl ict partner. They then tell the person how they would have
reacted to the apology as written and delivered. The key focus is the impact
that the apology has on the recipients, in this case the other members of the
group.
3. After telling the person about their reactions to the apology, the group
members make suggestions about how it could have been better. The per-
son issuing the apology also participates and shares his or her reactions to the
suggestions.
4. At the end of the session, the large group reconvenes and participants pair
up with another person in the large group who was not in their small group. The
members of these dyads then take turns describing the confl ict situation and shar-
ing their revised apology. Their new partner provides them with feedback on the
impact of the revised apology. This gives another viewpoint on whether the apol-
ogy is having its intended effect and whether or not it comes across as genuine.
Another important part of reaching out involves taking responsibility for
your own part in the confl ict and making amends where appropriate. In almost
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence76
every confl ict, both sides bear some fault. If you genuinely want to work through
the conflict and reach a resolution, being willing to admit and apologize for
your own shortcomings can begin to break the ice. As Lynn Johnston, one of our
favorite cartoonists says, “ An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just
about anything. ” Apologies, of course, only work when they are genuine and
largely, if not completely, unconditional. As Kimberly Johnson says, “ Never ruin
an apology with an excuse. ”
Expressed Interest in Resolving the Issue The fi nal common characteristic of reaching out is demonstrating a sincere interest in fi nding a resolution. Genuine
desire to reach agreement and resolve differences can be a catalyst for beginning
the earnest discussion necessary to repair hurt feelings and focus on collaborative
solutions. Demonstrating a willingness to reengage and explore the differences
may generate a similar spark in one ’ s confl ict partner. Again, we acknowledge that
every confl ict is different and there are no absolutes when it comes to the right
words to use.
EXPRESSING INTEREST
Here are several simple ways to express interest in resolving the issue:
“I’m sure we can fi nd common ground.”
“Although we see it differently now, I can’t help but believe we can
fi nd a way to make it work.”
“We both have strong reasons for our views. Let’s see if we can fi nd
some connections in our perspectives.”
“I’d like to explore this further. Will you join me?”
“Imagine if we found a way for our ideas to work together. How
great would that be?”
•
•
•
•
•
Reaching out and initiating contact alone do not guarantee that the confl ict
will be resolved. Reaching out ensures very little. What it does is give the confl ict a
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 77
chance to be addressed. If none of the parties involved in the confl ict reach out,
there is zero chance that the confl ict will be resolved.
We appreciate our colleagues, Dennis Dennis and Debera Libkind, sharing a
great story about how reaching out can prevent tensions from escalating as well as
result in some pleasant surprises.
THE CONTAGIOUS NATURE OF REACHING OUT
Delivering consulting and training services in health care sometimes
means working in less than ideal situations. The diffi culties may come in
the form of limited time availability of the staff and managers due to the
24/7/365 schedules they keep; sometimes their staffi ng needs require us
to work with very small groups. But on occasion, the problem is some-
thing as simple as access to space that is conducive to creating a positive
learning environment.
Not having quiet, private space was the problem when we were
working with the food service staff in a medium-sized medical cen-
ter. This group planned, produced, and delivered 300 meals three
times a day and ensured they were as nutritionally sound and tasty as
possible. One discussion group consisted of vocal and engaged staff
members who were at the lowest level of the organizational hierarchy.
Most of these folks had little formal education, but they were bright
and personally committed to the patients and the medical center.
Unfortunately, the only space available for this meeting of about
fi fteen employees with two consultants was at one end of an employee
cafeteria.
About halfway through the meeting we had nearly finished
describing the CDP concepts of hot buttons, and the constructive and
destructive conflict behaviors. At that point other employees began
arriving for their lunch breaks. Their tables were about 20 feet away
from the back of our “classroom” and there was no physical demarca-
tion between them. As the normal volume of lunch table conversations
began to increase, we attempted to adapt (our preferred CDP behavior
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence78
in these situations) by speaking a little louder and leaning in toward our
audience gathered closely around the lunch room table that was serving
as our “classroom.”
In spite of our considerable confl ict competence, as visitors we were
hesitant to impose our needs on others who had no knowledge of us or
what we were doing in their space. Apparently, it was more of a concern
for at least one of our participants. He quietly got up and approached
the employees at the lunch tables nearby. He politely explained that
we were in a class and requested that they keep their volume down.
He returned to our group, and the employees on their lunch breaks
began speaking in hushed tones.
Not wanting to miss an opportunity to identify the skills already exist-
ing in the group, we highlighted the effectiveness of this man’s actions
by noting that he:
Was aware of his own increased tension. In other words, his hot
button was pushed. It might have been “Unappreciative”; in this
case the “offenders” were completely unaware of any impact they
were having on us.
Initiated action by reaching out, a particularly powerful constructive
behavior.
Expressed emotion when he explained the situation and the impact
of the noise on our class.
We also discussed the very different impact that using a destructive
behavior, like displaying anger or demeaning others, could have had.
Our participants were pleased when we recognized that they did in
fact already have skills that they demonstrated confi dently and naturally.
Too often folks believe we are working with their unit because of some
defi cit that needs correction. Acknowledging these skills, particularly in
a group that frequently is seen as less skilled and competent than others,
was a powerful tool in both building their trust in us and increasing their
willingness to consider the wisdom of using constructive behaviors more
frequently.
•
•
•
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 79
What makes it even more diffi cult is our natural resistance to reaching out.
The one inexorable truth in conflict is that if no one initiates a conversation
about the confl ict, the confl ict has no chance of being resolved. Reaching out is
the only way to give resolution a chance.
By the way, did we mention that it sometimes takes several attempts at reach-
ing out before your confl ict partner accepts? Have patience, be resolute, and keep
reaching out until either your partner acknowledges the effort or you determine
that the work situation or relationship no longer requires effective interaction
between you and this confl ict partner. Please use extreme caution when deciding
the situation or relationship no longer warrants your efforts. In today ’ s world, it ’ s
not uncommon to reconnect years later with people you thought you ’ d never see
again. We encourage giving every confl ict your best shot.
But the payoff was yet to come. Several minutes later, as another
group of employees entered the cafeteria, the volume again began to
rise. Before anyone in our group reacted, someone from the fi rst table
leaned over to the newcomers and explained the situation to them.
Hushed tones were again the only thing we heard. This is the real power
of using constructive confl ict behaviors—they are contagious, even in a
medical center.
REACHING OUT ACTIVITY
1. Imagine a recent confl ict. This confl ict should be one where your
feelings were hurt or your confl ict partner made you frustrated or
angry.
2. As you think of this confl ict situation, be sure that this is a case in
which your confl ict partner has behaved worse than you.
3. In fact, this situation is one where you’re sure that your confl ict
partner owes you an apology and there’s no chance that the
conversation can continue until that happens.
4. Do you have this image pictured clearly in your mind?
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence80
Perspective Taking and Listening for Understanding
We have long declared that perspective taking is the single most powerful behavior
associated with confl ict competence. Nothing in recent years has changed our po-
sition about this. The ability to see the situation from your confl ict partner ’ s point
of view is unsurpassed as a way toward resolution of differences.
We like to break the entire concept of perspective taking into three distinct
parts. First comes listening for understanding. This serves as a prerequisite for the
act of perspective taking. If one is unable or unwilling to listen with the intent to
understand, true perspective taking simply isn ’ t possible.
Second is perspective taking with a focus only on the substance or tangible is-
sues related to the confl ict. This requires the ability to effectively summarize the
other party ’ s points of view, positions, and/or ideas. In other words, one must
demonstrate understanding to the satisfaction of the confl ict partner.
Finally, there is perspective taking with a focus on the other party ’ s emotions.
We refer to this as demonstrating empathy or acknowledging the feelings of one ’ s
confl ict partner. Again, this must be accomplished to the satisfaction of one ’ s con-
fl ict partner.
Next we offer ideas and exercises on how to polish one ’ s skills and abilities for
perspective taking by reviewing each of these three components.
Listening for Understanding The essence of listening for understanding is placing one ’ s full intent and focus on hearing and comprehending what is being
said. The entire purpose of the act is to grasp the words, context, and emotion of
the speaker. We often contrast listening for understanding with listening to re-
spond. Both are valuable communication skills. Listening to respond is listening
with a focus to communicate back to the speaker. The skill of listening for understand-
ing isolates the act of listening for the sole intent to comprehend what is being said.
5. This is the exact moment for you to reach out to your confl ict
partner!
For most people, this demonstration seems extreme. The thought pro-
cess goes something like this: “If I’m owed an apology, there’s no way
I’m going to reach out!” This kind of mental story-telling is exactly what
prevents many of us from reaching out.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 81
You are not effectively listening for understanding when:
Your mind wanders while your confl ict partner speaks.
You say, “ Yeah, but . . . ” (or any of scores of similar responses).
You contemplate points or counterpoints you wish to make while “ listening. ”
Signs that you are effectively listening for understanding include:
You are genuinely curious about what the speaker is saying.
You approach the speaker ’ s communication with a sense of wonder.
You can accurately summarize the speaker ’ s statement.
You ask follow - up questions for clarifi cation.
You r attention is fully upon the speaker ’ s words, mannerisms, and delivery.
You ’ re not thinking of your position.
The purest form of listening for understanding happens with a sense of won-
der and curiosity. Think of the last time you saw something truly remarkable or
engaging. Perhaps you witnessed a magic trick that left you wondering, “ How
did they do that? ” Maybe you saw a powerful play or a performance that left you
moved. You wanted to know how it was possible. That same sense when applied
to listening for understanding during confl ict can be the key to freeing you from a
position and enabling you to grasp another ’ s perspective. Of course, during con-
fl ict a sense of wonder and curiosity may not occur naturally. You may have to
work at it. Our colleague Rita Callahan offers an exercise for improving the ability
to listen for understanding.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
When I use this exercise for participants to practice listening and sum-
marizing and paraphrasing, I continue to be amazed at how diffi cult
it is for many people to allow others to communicate a different view.
Many people are challenged just to listen without interrupting and of-
fering their own point of view. Often, even when they think they have
summarized another’s view, they just can’t resist also offering their alter-
nate viewpoint before understanding what has been said.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence82
The purpose of this exercise can be twofold:
1. Participants understand that there are different views, all
perceptions are accepted, and no one perception or interpretation is
“right.”
2. Participants practice listening and summarizing and paraphrasing
when others express a different point of view.
While training people to develop confl ict management or communi-
cation skills, I value this exercise because it engages everyone, includes
movement, builds skills, and the instructions are simple. By varying the
statements, I can direct the degree of intensity, interaction, and practice
to match the skills of the participants.
Agree/Disagree Only
Learning Objective: Participants experience that there are at least
two points of view for any topic, and all views are
accepted.
Time: Flexible. Recommend a minimum of 10 minutes.
Number of people: Flexible. Ideal is a minimum of ten people. The more
people the better to illustrate the point.
Space: Almost any room where people can move into two
groups.
Preparation: A number of statements and two signs (“Agree”
and “Disagree”) are posted in different parts of the
room. The number of statements varies with the time
allotted.
The statements can be on any topic and can be on a
PowerPoint slide or written one at a time on chart
paper. Only one statement is displayed at a time.
If groups are in confl ict, begin with more neutral
statements and work up to more relevant or more
controversial statements.
Instructions: Begin by saying, “In a minute, a statement will be
displayed. Read the statement and then move to the
side of the room that represents your view. You must
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 83
agree or disagree. Choose a side. There’s no middle
of the road.” After people are grouped, choose one
side (the one with fewer people) to offer their views
about the topic. If there are many people, limit each
person to just one point that supports their view.
Keep this moving fast so everyone is engaged. After
hearing from one side, repeat the same process for
the other side. After hearing from everyone, ask
who is right. Repeat for the number of statements.
Sample statements: Cell phones and other technology contribute posi-
tively to my life.
Schools are getting better.
This community is a good place to raise children.
TV is a good baby-sitter.
Employees at [this organization] are fortunate to
have a job.
Managers care about employees.
Employees want to be productive at work.
People can change.
To work together, everyone must agree.
Agree/Disagree with Summarizing or Paraphrasing
Learning Objective: Participants practice listening to understand,
summarizing, and paraphrasing.
Instructions: After hearing all the points from one side of
the room, ask participants from the other side of
the room (before offering their point of view on the
topic) to summarize (or paraphrase) the points they
have heard. Usually, especially when the participants
feel strongly about the topic, the participants will
rush in with their points and ignore the request to
summarize. As the facilitator, interrupt them and
remind them of the request to summarize. Continue
to make the request to summarize.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence84
Most people will enjoy the challenge and some will recognize the dif-
fi culty in summarizing or paraphrasing before offering their own point
of view. Continue to ask for different points to be summarized by the
listeners before hearing their points of view. After hearing all points, ask
the original speakers if they feel understood or if there are additional
points not yet mentioned. (The listeners have still not yet offered their
points of view.) Only after making sure the speakers have been under-
stood, allow the participants to offer their alternate points of view.
After several statements, the group improves by listening and summa-
rizing (or paraphrasing), before offering their points of view.
Debrief: Facilitate a discussion about the value of these skills
when dealing with people in confl ict. Participants
will conclude that there are many points of view
that are accepted, and they recognize the value
of listening and summarizing (or paraphrasing) to
understand before adding their points of view.
An additional opportunity is to identify the importance of tone of
voice when expressing one point of view to deescalate a disagreement
or confl ict.
Perspective Taking: Focus on Content Perspective taking on content focuses on the other party ’ s points of view, positions, and/or ideas. It is for most people
the easiest kind of perspective taking. One primary tool for demonstrating this
is the art of summarizing. Others include checking for understanding and asking
related questions. Suggestions for how to effectively demonstrate content - focused
perspective taking include:
1. Summarize frequently. You can summarize mentally, by jotting notes, or ver-
bally. The key is to do it with enough frequency to remember what is being
said. Do your best to summarize the speaker ’ s thoughts, feelings, positions,
and ideas throughout the conversation.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 85
2. Check for understanding. When you genuinely don ’ t understand something
the speaker says, ask for clarifi cation. Be clear about what you don ’ t under-
stand by saying, “ When you said X, I ’ m not sure I followed you. Can you
explain? ”
3. Ask questions related to the content. Questions can demonstrate your inter-
est in the speaker ’ s thoughts. Be cautious about making challenges through
your questions. The idea is demonstrate interest, not to put the speaker on
the spot. A safe way to ask is by seeking comparisons or analogies.
4. Demonstrate your understanding. Once the speaker has said his piece, ask
if you can take a stab at reviewing what he ’ s said. Offer a summary of the
points and a grasp of the rationale. The idea is to show him that you truly
understand the essence of his perspective.
We use ColourBlind, a challenging exercise originally designed for use with
air traffi c controllers, in some of our workshops. Participants are seated around a
table, blindfolded, and are asked to solve a problem. The problem involves iden-
tifying the shapes and colors of small plastic playing pieces. Participants must
describe their shapes to each other without touching or trading pieces. The facili-
tator will tell participants the color of a shape when asked, but nothing more.
This exercise very clearly enables participants to experience the art of per-
spective taking. As each participant describes the shape of a piece, the others
examine their pieces trying to determine whether they are holding the same
piece. Questions abound regarding the length of sides, contours of curves, de-
grees of angles, and other identifying characteristics. All the while, participants
are “ seeing ” mental images of the shapes and attempting to discern if they have
matches.
When individuals involved in confl ict use perspective taking, they make the
same kinds of attempts. They listen carefully to their partner ’ s descriptions. They
ask questions to clarify. They summarize what ’ s been described. They display curi-
osity about their partner ’ s perspectives. And they try to fi nd ways to be clear about
each other ’ s viewpoints.
Obviously, when the viewpoints are shared accurately, both parties are clear
about the similarities and differences. Even when the viewpoints are not fully clear,
genuine attempts at perspective taking can help a confl ict reach more satisfying
conclusions. Without perspective taking, most confl icts cannot be resolved.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence86
Perspective Taking: Focus on Emotions Perspective taking with a focus on feelings and emotions is often more powerful and more complex than content -
focused perspective taking. As we ’ ve emphasized throughout our work, most de-
structive confl ict is connected to ineffective communication regarding emotion.
The ability to show empathy during confl ict is the most effective way to demon-
strate emotion - focused perspective taking.
When people in confl ict show regard for one another ’ s feelings, the results are
validation and a sense of safety. When validated and safe, confl ict partners are more
likely to share and explore differing views. As the sharing and exploration expands,
so does opportunity for fi nding common ground. Even better, such expansion in-
vites the discovery of new ground, additional perspectives, and novel solutions.
Teaching people to demonstrate empathy requires knowledge, experience, me-
chanics, and genuine concern for others. Of these, no one can “ teach ” concern for
others. We believe all of us have that capacity. It ’ s up to each of us to tap into it
and choose to display it. We do have some suggested activities for gaining knowl-
edge and experience, as well as practicing the mechanics of empathy. Here are two
recommendations.
EXERCISE 1: IDENTIFYING EMOTIONS
1. Create a deck of “emotion cards” by listing common feelings and
emotions on 15 to 20 index cards. (Examples include sad, proud, joyful,
frustrated, angry, exhilarated, upset, surprised, alarmed, and scared.)
2. Assemble a group of participants and distribute one card to each
person.
3. Ask each to tell a story illustrating a time when they felt the
emotion listed on their card without revealing the emotion.
4. When the story is complete, other participants try to identify the
emotion.
5. Repeat this process until everyone has had a turn.
6. Debrief the exercise by asking questions such as:
Which emotions were most diffi cult to identify? Why?
Which emotions were most similar?
•
•
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 87
Activities such as these help build awareness and skills for demonstrating
empathy. The surest way to successfully demonstrate empathy is by labeling the
feeling you ’ ve observed. When you observe or discern an emotion, label it! For
instance, “ You must be very frustrated at the way I ’ ve responded. ” Even if the label
is slightly off, there ’ s still credit given for recognizing that a feeling is present. The
response might be, “ I ’ m not frustrated, but I was surprised. ”
Unfortunately, most people attempt to demonstrate empathy by saying some-
thing like, “ I really understand how you feel. ” The result of this statement, re-
gardless of the intent, is often the opposite of understanding or acknowledgment.
“ What do you mean you really know how I feel? You ’ re not in my shoes! ”
What clues did you hear or see that helped you identify emotions?
Which were more meaningful in identifying feelings, words,
tone, nonverbals, and so on?
•
•
EXERCISE 2: I UNDERSTAND
1. Ask for a volunteer to share a story about a time when he or she
was extremely happy or proud. The story will need to be several
minutes long.
2. Ask for a second volunteer to listen to the story with the instruction
that all he or she can say to the storyteller is, “I understand how
you feel.” Tell the listener to say this at least three times during the
story.
3. Ask all others (if it’s a group) to observe and comment afterward.
4. Debrief the exercise by asking questions such as:
(To the storyteller) How did you feel about the listener’s level of
empathy?
(To the listener) How did you affect the storyteller?
(To observers) Did you observe empathy?
5. Discuss alternatives to “I understand how you feel” that would
effectively demonstrate empathy.
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence88
In practice we attempt to bring these three concepts (listening for understand-
ing, content - focused perspective taking, and emotion - focused perspective taking)
together by using a tool dubbed “ the perspective - taking worksheet. ” The work-
sheet asks a person in confl ict to review the confl ict situation. First, the person is
asked to briefl y summarize the issue and the people in it. Next, she responds to
series of questions (including content and emotions) from her confl ict partner ’ s
perspective. Finally, she must reconsider her approach and steps for addressing
the confl ict anew.
Debra Dupree, a confl ict management consultant in San Diego, offers advice
and activities she uses in her practice.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES
Whether it’s in dialogue or full-blown conflict, people often listen for
content—what’s being said, rather than what’s being conveyed. Listening
for content frequently fuels the fi re further as we react to what we hear
rather than what the speaker intended. Oftentimes, we are busy process-
ing in our minds what we’re going to say before the other person has even
fi nished speaking. This approach seldom helps us resolve differences and in-
stead may escalate the situation, leading to the “retaliatory cycle” as coined
by Dr. Dan Dana in Managing Differences (2005, p. 134). Instead, successful
confl ict conversations are marked by very different sets of dynamics.
In mediation and related confl ict engagement processes, listening for
meaning is much deeper and requires that we listen without doing any-
thing else. And, when appropriate, we probe for underlying interests—
what’s important to people about certain issues, challenges, or obsta-
cles. When we key into what’s important to people, the visible signs of
making a connection are incredible. Passion and clarity emerge and true
understanding evolves. The aha! magical moments of mediation appear
and work their transformation . . . in any conversation!
But how do you teach that to clients who are in the midst of a per-
sonal or professional confl ict? And, in a relatively short but meaningful
period of time, so that they can truly benefi t from a change in strategies
and techniques?
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 89
In my teaching of mediation, I have used a number of techniques from
noted scholars that have proven most effective. Drawing upon the works
of Dr. Dan Dana, should be Michelle LeBaron, James Champion, and
Dr. Nancy Love, my practice today incorporates a series of simple strat-
egies that serve to bring out what’s truly important to people. As the
commander of a major naval station in Southern California recently
voiced, “Why didn’t they teach us this in elementary school? Years of
professional development and leadership experience would have been
much better served!”
So here are a few tips and strategies, building upon the work of many
notables, that serve to sharpen one’s listening and speaking skills in just
a few short activities.
Activity 1: Getting to Know You: An Exercise in Deep Listening
Introductions of participants in any group process are critically im-
portant. Going beyond the usual name, position, years of service,
here’s an opportunity to engage participants in the fi rst step of
deep listening. To focus participants on underlying interests, en-
gage them in “listening for the sounds of the BEACH”: Beliefs, Ex-
pectations, Assumptions/Attitude, Concerns, and Hope (Dr. Nancy
Love, www.pulseinstitute.com).
Ask participants to tell where they’re from, one unique thing
about him- or herself, and one memorable life experience. While
each person is speaking, the other participants simply listen.
When each person is finished speaking, the participants take
1–2 minutes to jot down brief highlights of what they heard.
The facilitator asks for three or four participants to share with
the speaker what they heard. The facilitator is the last to share
what he or she heard, modeling listening for underlying interests.
As the sharing process continues, the other participants continue
to get sharper and more articulate in their listening by going be-
y ond the facts presented and highlighting the meaning conveyed.
Participants inevitably feel much more connected and learn much
more about their fellow participants.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence90
Activity 2: Hot Buttons
Another quick and effective way to help people become aware of
the different approaches to confl ict is to engage them in the Con-
fl ict Dynamics Profi le Hot Buttons exercise found at: http://www
.confl ictdynamics.org/cdp/hotbuttons/index.php. Having partici-
pants engage in this before a group activity allows for interesting
discussion and awareness of the things that trigger people into
confl ict while building commonality and shared purpose. Strat-
egies for cooling down and slowing down help people connect
and develop communication strategies jointly. Engaging in a fa-
cilitated dialogue helps transform understanding from intent to
impact.
Activity 3: The Animal Exercise: The Power of Open-Ended Questions
This is a quick little exercise that opens the eyes and minds of peo-
ple to the power of asking open-ended questions. As the facilitator,
you select an animal in your mind. The task presented to the par-
ticipants is that they must guess the name of the animal by asking
only closed (Yes or No) questions. The facilitator keeps track of how
many questions are asked before someone guesses the animal (if
they reach twenty-fi ve questions, call a stop to this part of the exer-
cise). Announce to the participants how many questions it took to
guess (or not) the right answer. Now repeat the process of identify-
ing an animal; however, this time, participants may ask only open-
ended questions, generally starting with What or How. If they ask
a “closed-ended question,” simply refuse to answer the question.
Frequently, participants will start with “What does the animal look
like?” While this is great, and as a facilitator one should reinforce
this response positively, there is a more basic open-ended question
that captures it all: “What is the animal?” Participants marvel at
how quickly they can get where they want to go by simply fram-
ing the questions more appropriately. This is a great opportunity
to demonstrate how open-ended questions are used effectively by
starting broadly and then probing further based on the response
to the fi rst question and subsequent questions.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 91
Activity 4: Three Minutes of Passion (Adapted from Michelle LeBaron’s Cultural Issues in Confl ict Management, 2003)
This exercise draws upon emotional intelligence, which is central
to successful relationships. It allows one to refocus, recharge, and
reinvigorate. It enhances listening while also building connections.
Pair up participants and select one to be A and one to be B. Start-
ing with A, the fi rst speaker begins by fi lling in the sentence “I am
passionate about . . .” Speaker A continues to repeat that phrase
and fi ll in the blank for 3 minutes (facilitator calls time). Listener B
listens . . . for changes in intensity, themes, and patterns. If Speaker
A gets stuck, Listener B asks, “What else are you passionate about?”
When the facilitator calls time, the Speaker and Listener sit in silent
refl ection for 1–2 minutes to process what was said and what was
heard. A and B then reverse roles and repeat the exercise.
When debriefing, first ask the speakers for what they noticed
about what they experienced and what they said. Then ask the
listeners for what themes emerged, what shifts in content developed,
and what they observed about the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal
behavior. This is an excellent exercise to help people listen beyond the
content to the meaning conveyed both verbally and nonverbally.
Each of these activities takes just minutes, yet the learning experienced is pow-
erful and contributes to enhanced understanding of how people listen and how
they engage in communication and confl ict!
Perspective taking and listening for understanding are simply the most critical
behaviors for handling confl ict competently. When those in confl ict practice these
behaviors, outcomes are better than ever imagined.
Expressing Emotions, Thoughts, and Interests
This is consistently where we get the greatest degree of resistance when coach-
ing, facilitating, or presenting on confl ict competence. Participants ’ initial reac-
tion to this set of behaviors is that they appear soft. Many people tell us they were
brought up to meet force with force, trade an eye for an eye, and certainly never
let the other side see you sweat. To do so would be a sign of weakness. On the con-
trary, we assert that the effective expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests is
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence92
a sign of strength, forthrightness, and honesty. To do otherwise is tantamount to
concealing the truth and fosters mistrust. And fostering mistrust is exactly the op-
posite of what is necessary for resolving confl ict. When participants in confl ict are
skilled at expressing their emotions, thoughts, and interests effectively, the ensuing
discussion of confl icting ideas, issues, and positions can fl ow productively.
The problem is, paradoxically, many of us conceal our true feelings or thoughts
from our confl ict partners at the exact moment when revealing them would be
most meaningful. In fact, not only do we conceal the thoughts and feelings, we
deny them!
Last fall we worked with the executive team of an accounting fi rm. We spent
several days in teambuilding exercises and discussions leading to the formation of
a set of team agreements. Team members were open about the fact that they had
some ongoing relationship issues and expressed confi dence that some of those
issues could be addressed through the workshop.
During the ColourBlind exercise, several participants became frustrated with
one of their teammates. Although the team was making progress, one member
thought she could accelerate the problem solving by changing the process. A de-
bate about the pros and cons of the new process ensued with the group prevail-
ing over the dissenting member. The exercise continued and the team successfully
solved the problem. During the debriefi ng discussion, we asked each member to
identify the moment of most frustration. As expected, several described the debate
over changing the process as the single most frustrating part of the activity. The
person who suggested the change acknowledged how she had affected the group
and graciously accepted responsibility for the frustration. Upon apologizing, she
also asked, “ Is everyone okay with me now? ” Everyone on the team affi rmed they
were okay. “ Don ’ t be silly. It was just a game. ” “ Heavens yes, I ’ m fi ne. ” “ Of course
we ’ re okay. It wasn ’ t a big deal. ” It seemed fi ne to us, too . . . for about 30 seconds.
During the break, we overheard several members chatting in the hallway. The
gist of their conversation bordered on outrage at the person who made the sugges-
tion to change the process. “ Can you believe how she tried to take over the entire
game? ” exclaimed one. “ Isn ’ t that what she always does? ” said another. “ Do you
think she ’ ll ever learn? ” asked a third.
Even in the face of direct inquiries, many people will withhold or deny true
feelings or thoughts that could initiate a deeper conversation and lead to res-
olution. We believe that this phenomenon is based on the combination of a
desire not to put others “ on the spot ” and to avoid the potential of becoming
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 93
vulnerable themselves. We also believe that most people don ’ t admit their
thoughts or feelings because they believe that their confl ict partners “ already
know how I feel. ”
In the case just described, if any one of the team members had responded to
the original question, “ Is everyone okay with me now? ” honestly, there could
have been a vastly different outcome. Imagine a response such as, “ Thanks for
asking. I ’ m not sure I ’ m completely okay because this isn ’ t the first time I ’ ve
experienced this. ” This open, honest response may have led to signifi cant discus-
sion and deeper understanding of the intent and impact of each participant.
During such discussions, a framework for future interactions is laid that can lead
to more favorable relationships and outcomes. We use an exercise to illustrate
the signifi cance and impact of expressing thoughts, feelings, and interests. Here ’ s
how it works:
1. Ask participants to think of recent confl ict they ’ ve experienced.
2. The confl ict should be one that had some degree of intensity. They felt some
level of negative emotion.
3. Next, ask them to consider a specifi c time during that confl ict when they
were feeling that negative emotion.
4. Ask them to imagine looking at themselves in a mirror at that moment.
5. Now, ask them whether or not their confl ict partner knew what they were
feeling or thinking at that very moment.
6. If they answer yes, ask them how they know that their confl ict partner knew.
If the answer is anything other than “ I described my thought or feeling to them, ”
engage them in a playful discussion about mind reading.
7. The learning point of this exercise is that we often assume that others
know what we ’ re thinking or feeling. Unless we disclose or reveal our thoughts
or feelings, we can ’ t be sure that our thoughts and feelings are being interpreted
accurately.
Perhaps the most severe consequence of hiding thoughts and feelings is the
appearance of being dishonest to one ’ s confl ict partner. In the previous example,
when team members made statements such as, “ Don ’ t be silly. It was just a game, ”
they were in fact not being truthful. Concealing the truth about thoughts and
feelings, regardless of one ’ s intent, can lead to an erosion of trust. When trust is
damaged, the ability to overcome confl ict is signifi cantly damaged. On the other
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence94
hand, when confl ict partners share thoughts and feelings honestly, especially when
doing so results in heightened vulnerability, trust is signifi cantly enhanced. And
nothing supports confl ict competence more than working from a base of trust.
Searching for Collaborative Outcomes
The biggest misstep in searching for collaborative outcomes is arriving at this
point too quickly. While we advocate treating most confl icts as problems to be
solved, rushing to solutions often results in agreements that only superfi cially
address the issue or satisfy only one partner. That ’ s why in our model, this set of
behaviors occurs most frequently in the latter stages of confl ict discussions.
The three previous components of constructive engagement are necessary
steps that prepare confl ict partners for true collaborative problem solving. In ad-
dition, these three components are frequently interwoven during the search for
collaborative solutions. Based on our work with the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le,
we believe three interrelated behavioral components of searching for collabora-
tive outcomes include adapting, refl ective thinking, and creating solutions.
Adapting Adapting refers to an optimistic outlook, fl exibility, and a willingness to consider all the possibilities. People who are willing to consider many alter-
natives give themselves and their confl ict partners more opportunities for sat-
isfactory outcomes. Adaptability also includes acknowledgment that confl ict is
natural and inevitable. Confl ict is not an unfair consequence that just happens. It
is instead an opportunity to see an issue from different perspectives. Even in the
most volatile circumstances, effectively adapting means holding out hope that
resolution is possible.
Adaptability is often associated with personal styles or psychological
preferences. We are avid proponents of assessment tools such as the Myers
Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), Kirton Adaptive - Innovative Survey (KAI),
the California Psychological Inventory (CPI), and the Change Style Indicator
(CSI). These assessments provide clear evidence of different styles and prefer-
ences while illustrating the vast diversity of approaches to creativity, problem
solving, and pattern recognition. Such knowledge is powerful when acknowl-
edging differences. This awareness makes it easier to accept that a variety of
ideas and possibilities exist for resolving conflict. But awareness alone doesn ’ t
address one ’ s ability. That ’ s why we use exercises and activities to enhance
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 95
participants ’ willingness to search for multiple solutions and consider a vari-
ety of possibilities.
MULTIPLE USES EXERCISE
This exercise is adapted from many classic brainstorming activities. It is
fun, engaging, and most important illustrates the ability of individuals to
create multiple ideas and solutions for consideration. It generally takes
20–25 minutes to complete. It can be used with two individuals or with
an entire team.
1. Assemble several common household or offi ce items. Some of our
favorites include paper clips, binder clips, clothes pins, and pillow
cases.
2. Assign each person or small group one item.
3. Instruct them to come up with two lists for each item. The fi rst
list includes all the “normal uses” for the item. The second list
includes all the “creative uses” for that item. Provide a time limit for
creating the lists (10 minutes is usually plenty).
4. Call the participants together and ask them to present their lists and
demonstrate a variety of their suggestions.
5. Once each list is presented, seek additional suggestions from the
other participants.
6. When all lists have been presented, conduct a debrief discussion.
Some sample questions for this discussion include:
What is your reaction to the sheer volume of ideas?
Which ideas and suggestions were your favorites? Why?
How many of the ideas and suggestions were wrong or
unacceptable? What do you make of this?
How can you apply a similar approach for considering possibilities
for resolving confl ict?
•
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence96
When the parties involved in a confl ict bring a sense of optimism and adapt-
ability to the discussion, the potential for collaboration rises substantially. Finding
ways to encourage optimism and adaptability, therefore, becomes a very useful
strategy for coaching confl ict partners and facilitating sessions for teams experi-
encing confl ict. Exercises and activities that demonstrate these concepts are valu-
able tools for developing confl ict competence.
Adapting includes:
An optimistic mind - set that views confl ict as an inevitable part of the work-
place (and life in general)
A willingness to entertain a wide variety of alternatives for resolution
An awareness of changes or opportunities that signal the potential for engaging
in problem solving and confl ict resolution
Reflective Thinking Reacting in the moment is an integral part of our human condition. The stimulus - response process occurs as a function of
our “ wiring. ” As we ’ ve discussed in previous chapters, when exposed to certain
stimuli such as pain or fear, we have an almost instantaneous reaction. Refl ective
thinking is a practice that enables us to slow down our immediate reactions,
consider possible alternatives, and reengage later in more fruitful discussions
for resolution.
In Chapter Three , we discussed a variety of approaches and techniques for
managing our emotions. These included:
Understanding and assessing our personal hot buttons
Practicing cognitive reappraisal
Using processes for establishing improved mindfulness
Centering and controlled breathing
Analyzing core concerns
Delaying our responses
The application of these approaches and techniques can enhance our ability
for refl ective thinking, as they buy us time for separating the stimulus from the
response. (Refer back to Chapter Three for suggestions on how to practice these
techniques.)
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 97
Refl ective thinking is uniquely related to the search for collaborative solutions
in that it is an individual ability. The act of refl ective thinking is not a collaborative
or group activity. It happens only within the confi nes of our personal thoughts
and feelings. It happens in our own heads. But without the ability to do refl ec-
tive thinking, participating effectively in fi nding collaborative solutions may be
impossible.
Refl ective thinking is characterized by:
Noticing one ’ s own reactions and the reactions of others during confl ict; then
taking the time to consider and refl ect on those reactions
Being aware of the immediate and ongoing impact of the confl ict on oneself
and all other parties involved
Thinking through alternatives for responding to the confl ict
Heather Brown, who teaches confl ict management in the Washington, D.C.,
area, shared the following story with us. We believe it demonstrates the power
of reflection for choosing appropriate responses even in the most difficult
circumstances.
•
•
•
REFLECTING WITHOUT RUMINATING
An attractive, professionally dressed woman, whom I will call Jane, came
up to me after a training program and asked if I had a minute to talk
to her about a problem she was experiencing concerning what I had
taught on the concept of refl ection. I agreed to talk with her, and we
found a quiet corner in the training room to chat as the rest of the class
networked and began leaving for the day. She explained to me that she
had started her career as a secretary after a long period of working as a
stay-at-home mom and then a divorce that forced her back into the busi-
ness world for economic reasons.
She told me that her first position upon returning to the business
world was a nightmare. Her job was to provide clerical and administra-
tive support to several high-level professionals, and they were abusive
to her. She indicated that this was particularly diffi cult for her because
she had left an abusive marriage for a new start, only to land in a
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence98
workplace where she was again being abused. Her supervisors would yell at
her when she made an error. They would berate her in front of others
at meetings, and they would call her names in front of customers. One
of her supervisors even wrinkled some of her work that they were not
happy with and threw it at her! She had tried for a long while to get out
of that position unsuccessfully when she found out that they were giving
her unfairly poor references. She felt trapped!
Obviously, these were unstable individuals in a dysfunctional work
environment! I have found in my years of consulting that “birds of a
feather do fl ock together,” and often when one dysfunctional profes-
sional is doing the hiring, they hire others who have the same dysfunc-
tional values, communication style, and interpersonal fl aws as they do
themselves. This helps them to feel better about themselves because they
can say, “Well at least I am not as bad as . . .”
Jane went on to explain how she returned to school at night for her
BA degree. This was done clandestinely because she feared her bosses
would not be supportive and might even try to derail her goal. She began
applying for entry-level management jobs after completing her degree,
and after sending out dozens of applications she landed her fi rst supervi-
sory position. She vowed that she would never treat others like she was
treated—and she didn’t. She was such a strong, caring, and competent
leader that she excelled quickly in her new organization and moved into
midlevel management. At the time we talked she had applied for her fi rst
senior-level position. Thinking that Jane was done with her message of
bootstrap success, I said, “Thank you for sharing that inspiring story with
me; it is so nice to hear about individuals who are able to overcome diffi -
cult odds and forge a new life and career for themselves.” She thanked me
for my kind words but informed me that her story was not yet complete.
As she began to talk, I noticed that her friendly, girl-next-door smile
began to fade and her physical posture began to stiffen. The tone of her
voice changed to a harsh rusty sound that I found disturbing. Her face
turned red, and her eyes were fi ery with anger. By this time the training
room had cleared out, and I was beginning to get uncomfortable and won-
dered if I had made a mistake by agreeing to talk privately with Jane.
With anger and venom in her voice, she told me that not a day went
by when she did not refl ect about getting revenge on her early, abusive
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 99
supervisors. She said that she often refl ected about trying to hurt them in
passive-aggressive ways like deliberately misfi ling their papers or putting
something distasteful in their coffee. She admitted that for a while she even
had daydreamed about hurting them by putting a laxative in their beverage
or using some other form of nonlethal food poisoning. Then she would think
about ways she might berate them in front of customers or make them look
bad. However, she proudly told me with the same dark countenance in her
facial expression, body language, and tone that through the art of refl ection,
she had decided not to harm them but vowed to fi nd a constructive way to
get back at them. She said that after refl ecting on this for some time, she
had decided to fi nd out where each of them was living or working today and
bring her check stub and job description and tell them that she had become
successful in spite of what they had done to her and how they had tried to
hold her back. She said, “That is what I wanted to ask you about; don’t you
think it is a good idea for me to go show them that they were not able to
hold me back; I am successful in spite of what they did to me!”
“How long ago did all of this occur?” I asked while trying to think of
a tactful way of telling her that her plan was one of the most ridiculous
plans for revenge I had ever heard.
“I worked there ten years ago,” she said.
“Ten years ago?!” I replied in dismay.
I was shocked that this woman had spent ten years trying to “get
revenge” on her former abusive supervisors. What a waste of energy,
time, and brain power.
After I overcame my shock, I began explaining that the scenario she
described to me was not refl ection, it was rumination. Refl ecting is the
skill of taking the time to stop and think about what happened so that
you can mine lessons, process your emotions, and formulate a positive
strategy to move past the issues you are experiencing. Many people never
take the time to stop and think about the confl ict issues they are encoun-
tering; they just react. Reactive responses without refl ection are almost
always destructive and escalate issues. We are operating out of emotion
over logic, and our emotions have a tendency to initiate unproductive
responses to confl ict if we don’t take time to refl ect. Refl ection is a posi-
tive, constructive process that allows you to produce quality responses
and solutions to issues that arise.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence100
Rumination is defi ned in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary as going over
an event repeatedly in one’s mind. It comes from the Latin word rumi-
nari, which means to chew one’s cud. A cud consists of regurgitated,
partially digested food. When you ruminate on a confl ict or issue, you
never really settle it; you just keep bringing it back up and going over
it. This is not constructive, and it can lead to very unhealthy mental
states.
Refl ection is careful, serious, considered thought. Refl ection also has
a component of enlightenment to it. The verb refl ect means “to throw
back light.” When we refl ect, we think about something in a manner
that allows new ideas and solutions to illuminate. When we ruminate
on something, we just keep chewing on it, digesting it, and bringing
it back up again, because we cannot fi nd closure. The issue remains
unsettled in our mind, and it usually festers and infects other thoughts.
Ruminating can result in destructive responses like Jane’s ideas of retali-
ation. In contrast, refl ection usually results in positive ideas and emo-
tional stability.
I explained to Jane that at this time, it no longer matters what her
former supervisors think of her. She has moved beyond them and met
success. Each time she brings them up again in her mind she is allowing
them to diminish her success. I told her that she should be proud of what
she accomplished and that should be enough. I further explained that
her thoughts, refl ections, and ideas should be geared toward her future
goals, not her past tragedies. I told her that it was time for her to move
beyond them and spend her time refl ecting on more productive things.
Essentially, it was time for her to let go and give closure to that phase in
her life. Her former supervisors could hurt her now only if she let them
by continuing to mull over what happened ten years ago. That kind of
negative thinking spills over into our current situations, often sparking
new confl icts.
Reflection can happen in all three phases of conflict — before, during, and
after. Before a full - fledged conflict emerges can be one of the most productive
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 101
times for an individual to refl ect. Often a confl ict can be diffused early if the right
strategy is contemplated and executed. Refl ection during confl ict is diffi cult. Usually
in the midst of confl ict, we are too busy defending and protecting ourselves to rec-
ognize the need to stop and refl ect. Our strong emotions during confl ict tend to
block constructive refl ection. Additionally, refl ection takes time, so it is very diffi -
cult to refl ect in the midst of a confl ict. However, refl ection can be a very powerful
confl ict resolution tool used in the midst of confl ict because it forces you to stop
and think. Refl ection can be very constructive after confl ict because it focuses on
what went wrong and what can be done about it in the future.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
Here are some questions to help facilitate the constructive process of
refl ection before, during, and after confl ict.
Before an impending confl ict:
1. Why do you think a confl ict is imminent?
2. Is there something that can be done now to defuse the confl ict?
3. Did you initiate or contribute to the confl ict?
4. What can be done differently, in the future, to avoid this situation?
5. What is the best solution for both parties?
During a confl ict:
1. Do you have to respond now or can this wait until you have time to
refl ect on the issues and potential solutions?
2. Are emotions in control enough to continue conversing or do you
all need some “cooling off time”?
3. Are your tone, body language, words, or stance contributing to the
confl ict?
4. Is it likely that a constructive solution can be negotiated now?
5. Is there any way for you to defuse the confl ict?
6. Can you choose not to respond at all and tell the other party you
need time to think about it before you respond?
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence102
Creating Solutions Adapting and refl ective thinking are the individual com- ponents of searching for collaborative solutions. Creating solutions is the more
interactive portion of this critical behavioral aspect of conflict competence.
Descriptively, this is the problem-solving aspect of conflict management and
resolution.
Organizations embrace and reward those of us who are adept at spotting prob-
lems and fi nding solutions to them. This is especially true when we do so quickly
and repeatedly. This valuable ability, often honed over time, can also work against
fi nding the most effective, agreeable, satisfying solutions to confl ict. Creating solu-
tions within confl ict not only means fi nding acceptable resolution, it requires the
identifi cation and exploration of multiple possibilities that enable the selection of
the best solution.
After a confl ict:
1. What was the primary issue in this confl ict and what alternative
solutions existed?
2. How well did you communicate during the confl ict, and is there
anything you wish you had done differently?
3. Is there any follow-up you would like to initiate to reduce the
impact of something you wish you hadn’t said?
4. Is there any follow-up action you would like to initiate to get a
better understanding of the other person’s position?
5. What do you wish you had done differently before or during the
confl ict?
6. What can you do now to try to resolve the confl ict and minimize
any further damage?
Before, during, and after a conflict, try to focus your thoughts on
these questions to force your thinking into a positive, refl ective form of
thinking rather than a negative ruminating thought process. Construc-
tive, positive, refl ective thinking is the foundation for effective confl ict
resolution skills.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 103
There are many ways to create solutions. Brainstorming techniques have been
used for decades, even centuries. Accessing and engaging others is a preferred
technique for many. Careful individual contemplation and consideration of ideas
is preferred by others. Refl ecting on historical or past solutions to similar chal-
lenges is a valuable approach. Encouraging novel and innovative ideas can lead
to groundbreaking solutions. The common denominator among all these ap-
proaches, and what makes creating solutions so critical, is not stopping after dis-
covering a viable solution.
Finding one solution to a problem or a confl ict is just doing your job. Anyone
worth his or her salt should be able to fi nd a single solution. Seeking multiple pos-
sibilities is the key to confl ict competence. Once multiple solutions are imagined,
each possibility can be considered. The more potential solutions, the more likely
an effective agreement can be found.
The Multiple Uses Exercise described earlier is a good example of an activity to
use to create numerous possible solutions. There are many other problem - solving
exercises that do the same. When using exercises and activities for practicing
creating solutions, remember to keep the focus on coming up with multiple solu-
tions. It ’ s easy to get side - tracked when participants discover unique or interesting
approaches to the problem.
One of our favorite exercises for practicing creating solutions is one originally
designed for exploring process improvement. With a few minor adaptations, we ’ ve
found it to be especially useful for encouraging the creation of multiple solutions in a
collaborative way. In other words, it ’ s appropriate for illustrating the entire concept of
searching for collaborative solutions. It ’ s got a memorable title: Four-Letter Words.
FOUR-LETTER WORDS EXERCISE
This activity works best with 6–8 people. It’s possible to adapt it for use
with as few as two, but we prefer it for group or team situations. It re-
quires a complete set of Scrabble game tiles for each small group partici-
pating. If Scrabble game tiles aren’t available, make a set of materials using
index cards cut into small pieces and labeled with letters of the alpha-
bet in approximate concert with Scrabble guidelines. (Note: The scoring
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence104
numbers on the Scrabble tiles are not important for this exercise. If mak-
ing your own materials, you need not include these numbers.)
1. Divide participants equally into several teams, with no more than
four members on each team.
2. Announce that the goal of the exercise is to form as many four-
letter words as possible in a 60-second time period.
3. Teams will have a planning period (we recommend 4–6 minutes)
prior to implementation, during which they can strategize.
4. During the planning period, complete words cannot be formed and
set aside.
5. Before implementation, the tiles must be “shuffl ed” so partially
preformed words are not available. All tiles can remain upright,
though.
6. Upon implementation, each word formed is counted by a recorder
appointed by each team. In order to qualify as a four-letter word,
the word must be completely formed and visible to the recorder, be
spelled correctly, and be used only once per round.
7. At the end of 60 seconds, each team reveals how many words they
formed.
8. Multiple rounds can be used. Artifi cial targets can be set by the
facilitator to provide challenge and encourage more creativity.
Natural competition among the teams will usually suffi ce.
9. A thorough debriefi ng discussion will provide insight into the value
of creating multiple possibilities and the search for collaborative
solutions. We suggest using questions such as:
What was your fi rst reaction to the objective?
What enabled you to produce more words than you originally
thought possible?
How did you manage divergent ideas for creating the words?
Describe the way you worked to achieve the best solution.
How did you decide among all the ideas for producing the most
words?
•
•
•
•
•
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 105
What connections can you make for creating solutions for
resolving confl icts?
When adapting this exercise for use with just two people, we recom-
mend the use of three rounds. Planning in the fi rst two rounds is done
silently, with no interaction between the two participants. The first
round is conducted with one person creating the words and the other
recording the total number. Round two is conducted the same way, with
the roles reversed. Planning and word creation is done collaboratively for
round three, with the facilitator serving as the recorder.
•
Creating solutions comes naturally for many of us. Human beings are
problem solvers at heart. As a component of searching for collaborative
solutions, creating solutions focuses on the interaction among conflict par-
ticipants for identifying possibilities. Key characteristics of creating solutions
include:
Identifying multiple potential solutions and ideas; never stopping after identi-
fying only one possible solution
Analyzing and discussing the viability of all the possible solutions
Agreeing on which solutions to try
Finding agreeable solutions to any problem can be a challenge. When the prob-
lem is a confl ict, the challenge often intensifi es. In addition, because so many of
us tend toward avoidance, we often rush to use the fi rst possible solution that
comes to mind. The key for successfully searching for collaborative solutions lies
in having patience for creating multiple potential solutions. Once multiple ideas
are generated, careful refl ection and consideration can lead to agreements that are
satisfying and successful.
DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS TO AVOID AND CONTROL
The single biggest problem with confl ict lies in our all - too - often terrible responses
to it. The actual confl ict, the differences of view or opinion, can serve us well if
only we choose our responses better.
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence106
In Chapter Two we presented and described eight categories of destructive con-
fl ict behaviors, originally developed by our good friends Sal Capobianco, Mark
Davis, and Linda Kraus (1999), in association with the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le.
These include:
1. Winning at all costs
2. Displaying anger
3. Demeaning others
4. Retaliating
5. Avoiding
6. Yielding
7. Hiding emotions
8. Self - criticizing
Each of these destructive behaviors can be prevented or controlled simply by
learning and applying constructive responses as we ’ ve discussed in the fi rst half
of the chapter. However, we can learn much by understanding our mistakes and
considering how to limit similar mistakes in the future. In this spirit, we briefl y
address each of the destructive behaviors and make suggestions for improving
our choices.
Winning at All Costs
Who doesn ’ t like to win? In today ’ s highly competitive world, success is measured
by winning. The world celebrates winners. Whenever there are winners there must
also be losers. Who likes to lose? Therein lies the issue. In the scope of interper-
sonal, team, and organizational confl ict, when one party is perceived as consis-
tently attempting to win at all costs, rest assured the confl ict will worsen.
Winning at all costs encompasses a wide variety of behaviors. Some are much
more overt than others. Some behaviors are valuable when used in other contexts
or circumstances. What makes this category of behavior so destructive is the im-
pact it has on one ’ s confl ict partners. Presented next is a list of ten behaviors and
descriptions to consider. With as much honesty and objectivity as possible, check
those that are characteristic of you in confl ict. The more you check, and the more
frequently you exhibit these behaviors, the more likely it is that others perceive
you as attempting to win at all costs.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 107
“ Winning at All Costs” Checklist
❏ Stand my ground steadfastly
❏ Show tenacity for my ideas and suggestions
❏ Defend my actions
❏ Make excuses for my poor behavior
❏ Create rationale for ideas or behavior even when I know better
❏ Rationalize my behavior based on good results
❏ Blame or accuse others (especially my confl ict partner)
❏ Argue for the sake of arguing
❏ Never admit mistakes or shortcomings
❏ Deny responsibility
Overcoming the tendency to win at all costs is no easy task. The most frequent
advice we give is to replace this behavior with more constructive behaviors. Many
of us can improve by simply adhering to the “ cool down, slow down, engage ”
principles we ’ ve discussed throughout this book. Here are a few specifi c sugges-
tions for exerting more self-control in this area.
Confl ict competence involves fi nding outcomes that are mutually satisfying.
Although this isn ’ t always possible, approaches that are perceived as winning at all
costs insure outcomes that satisfy only one party. This also sets the stage for more
destructive confl ict between the parties in the future.
CONTROLLING THE URGE TO WIN AT ALL COSTS
1. In a heated discussion, be very careful when asked to “defend”
your actions. For instance, when your confl ict partner says, “How
could you say such a thing?” or “Why would you do that?” resist
the temptation to provide any rationale immediately. If you do, it
will very likely sound like excuse making or blaming someone else.
Instead, fi rst respond to the emotion behind the question. Lead
with something like, “That must have really bothered you.” You’ll
come across as much less defensive.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence108
2. Being confi dent in your views or positions is great. During a confl ict,
make sure you acknowledge the other parties’ views and positions.
Even though you disagree, you’ll look less demanding when you can
summarize the other side’s views.
3. When you feel attacked in a confl ict, “fi ghting fi re with fi re” is
not the only tactic available. Consider responding by calling for a
brief time-out or simply pausing for several moments. As in our fi rst
tip, you might also consider responding to the feeling or emotion
of the speaker with empathy. For instance, “You must be very
upset . . .”
Displaying Anger
Classic “ fi ght ” behavior is most often expressed through fear and anger. It mani-
fests as raising one ’ s voice, yelling, use of profanity, intimidation, and threatening
gestures, posture, and/or facial expressions. It ’ s probably the easiest of the destruc-
tive behaviors to describe and understand. When demonstrated by one party, the
response of the other party can range from withdrawal to equal or more vehement
displays of anger. The result is always a confl ict unresolved.
The biggest problem with displaying anger is not just the immediate damage it
causes, but the often extraordinarily long - lasting impact on the relationship. The
damage can last for years. Another more insidious issue with displaying anger is
that the offender may genuinely not realize his or her actions have been perceived
as angry. Finally, individuals, organizations, and cultures have varying degrees of
tolerance for anger that may not be fully understood or appreciated, therefore
exacerbating the situation.
We often hear people attempt to explain this type of behavior away. “ Oh, he ’ s
just hot tempered, ” or “ She ’ s just having a bad day, ” or “ I ’ m not angry, I ’ m just
fi red up. Everybody knows how passionate I am. ” All of these explanations may be
true. But the truth doesn ’ t matter in the eye of the beholder. The damage is done,
and it takes more than a brief explanation for recovery. In a perfect world, preven-
tion is the best course of action. Unfortunately, we don ’ t live in a perfect world.
Here are a few tips for preventing and recovering from displays of anger.
The bottom line here is to take notice whenever anyone suggests that you
looked or acted angry. It does no good to rationalize this feedback away. Even
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 109
though your intent may have been different, if the impact was perceived as dis-
playing anger, the confl ict will most certainly be negatively affected.
TIPS FOR MANAGING YOUR ANGER
Prevention
1. When you feel your emotions rising during a confl ict, acknowledge
them immediately. In your mind, say, “I’m feeling upset.” This
simple act causes you to pause momentarily and takes some of the
steam out of the growing and potentially harmful emotion.
2. When you feel your emotions rising, say so out loud to your confl ict
partner. Describing the feeling almost always prevents acting out
the feeling. Saying, “I’m starting to feel angry,” provides your
confl ict partner an opportunity to empathize. In addition, as we’ve
said before, it’s a great display of trust to admit an emotion to the
person with whom you’re in confl ict.
3. If you think you may look or sound angry, say so immediately.
Catching it early is almost as good as preventing it entirely. And
even if your partner says she didn’t perceive you as angry, you show
good will by bringing it up.
Recovering
1. There’s nothing like a genuine apology. Admit it. Take responsibility
for your actions. Assure that you’ll behave differently in the
future.
2. Apply some perspective taking and empathy. Try to see how you
sounded from the other’s point of view. When you show empathy
to someone you’ve offended, you demonstrate an understanding of
how they feel or were affected.
3. Thank your confl ict partner for bringing it to your attention and
for giving you a chance to show that you can handle the confl ict
without anger.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence110
Jan McKenzie, head of training for a major corporation in Atlanta, offers
the following example about dealing with anger when it occurs. She sug-
gests that often the greatest learning opportunities occur in the heat of the
moment.
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
Your best coaching opportunity when helping someone to develop
confl ict competence is in the heat of the moment, when the person
you are coaching is faced with an uncomfortable situation, no appar-
ent solution, and a real need to deal with his or her problem. Let me
explain.
It was Tuesday night and I was prepared. I had an agenda, I had
interactive exercises, and I was pretty sure where the night would
lead. There should be no surprises. The content was simple and the
topic was relevant. The women began to fi le in, taking their usual
places at the table and chatting easily with each other. This group
was special—ten women recovering from marital abuse and home-
lessness with the help of a dedicated staff and comprehensive life
recovery program. My role as a volunteer was simply to show up every
other Tuesday night and share some guidelines for positive parenting.
Just as we were getting ready to begin, the final two participants
arrived.
This didn’t appear to be the good news it should have been. Some-
thing had happened to upset both women, and it showed. The fi rst one’s
face was red and her fi sts were clenched as she noisily took her seat.
The other woman was shaking her head back and forth and muttering,
her eyes narrowed into small angry slits on an otherwise open face. The
other women were turning toward the two new arrivals, their own faces
beginning to mirror the anger they saw in their teammates. This was a
group familiar with and quick to anger.
As the fi rst woman began to tell us what had happened, she angrily
tossed a pen and hit another participant on the arm with it. Both women
were surprised at the result, and the woman who had been hit stood up
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 111
and walked out of the room. The woman who had thrown the pen also
got up and left. We had one angry woman remaining, and I asked her
what had happened. To make a long story short, she had been given a
“demerit” for breaking a program rule and felt it was unfair. It occurred
to me that we had a moment of opportunity unveiling right in front of
our eyes. In that instant the agenda changed and I waded into unfamiliar
territory, armed with a skill set that I hoped would make a difference.
“Tonight we’re going to talk about the fact that somewhere in be-
tween stimulus and response there is a moment when we can choose our
response,” I said.
It was a bold statement to a group that had been victimized in many
ways, but it is a tried and true one. We had been focused on it at work
lately as well and, with the help of Stephen M. Covey’s training team, we
had been learning that we always had a choice, even when it appeared
we didn’t. It’s habit 1 from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,
and it’s based on the idea that when something happens to us, we don’t
have to react—we can choose to act instead.
Asking the woman what she had thought right after she’d received
her demerit, I was surprised to hear her say, “I do so much right and no
one seems to notice.” She had decided to break a rule in the program
in order to secure something at her job and felt justifi ed in her decision. In
the meantime, she felt that her hard work doing the right things at other
times went unnoticed. Those two thoughts—”I had to break the rule” and
“No one appreciates my hard work”—had led to her mini-meltdown.
Once we got to this point, we were able to show the participants that
our reactions are the children of our thoughts—often born in the heat
of the moment. By recognizing when our hot buttons have been pushed,
slowing down the process, capturing the thoughts that come from the
stimulus, and challenging them, we can choose another thought.
The group began to catch on, and it wasn’t long before our conver-
sation went to all the choices we had—including forgiveness, taking
responsibility, and more. The women calmed down and were busy chal-
lenging other recent reactions by the time I left.
My tip? Don’t be afraid to switch agendas, wade in, and work during a time
of confl ict. Your best results are waiting to grow out of those moments.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence112
Oh, by the way, I went home that evening and saw that my brand-
new neighbor was pouring bags of dirt into giant, crooked, coffi n-like
plywood rectangles on her front lawn. She gladly informed me that
she was going to create an organic garden there because there wasn’t
enough sun in her backyard. No amount of reasoning on my part seemed
to encourage her to do otherwise. Now, every time I look out my front
window, and when I leave in the morning and arrive home at night, I get
to practice what I preach.
“Somewhere between stimulus and response, I can choose,” I tell my-
self. The good news is that I only chose to keep the front curtains closed
for one day before I decided to see things differently. When the garden
ripens, even though it’s an eyesore and a little creepy, I am going to hope
for a home-grown tomato or two.
Demeaning Others
Many instances of demeaning others, just like displaying anger, are unintended.
The most common instances occur when a person feels unfairly criticized or per-
ceives an attempt at humor as underhanded or mean spirited. Sometimes, even a
fl eeting glance or gesture can convey a damaging, demeaning message. Of course,
there are also times when a comment or action is purposefully demea ning. If
you ’ re honest with yourself, you can remember a wisecrack or joke you made at
somebody else ’ s expense that went beyond funny and had specifi cintent or mes-
sage. Regardless of the intent, demeaning behavior during a confl ict is toxic.
Perhaps the most common of demeaning behaviors is sarcasm or misplaced humor.
We love laughter. Jokes, funny stories, and quick - witted repartee are common in our
workplace and in most every healthy relationship and organization. During confl ict,
though, the use of humor comes with a risk. What was intended as “ just joking or kid-
ding ” to the speaker can be received as critical or embarrassing by the listener. Such
demeaning behavior is certain to prolong or worsen the confl ict situation.
So what is a fun - loving, good - humored person supposed to do? Here ’ s what
we suggest.
Actions that demean others are among the most costly behaviors within confl ict.
These infl ict immediate harm in the form of embarrassment or criticism. And the
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 113
impact can linger for a very long time. The best policy is to avoid demeaning dis-
plays altogether. Once committed, however, quick action and sincere apologies are
necessary. Otherwise, the confl ict is likely to continue without hope of resolution.
THE IMPACT OF A DEMEANING BOSS
In the mid 1990s I was working in a training and development depart-
ment with a total staff of twelve employees. A new director, Tom, was
hired to manage the department. He was hired because of his perceived
management skills and success in other settings. Unfortunately, Tom was
also quite abrasive, blunt, and demanding.
MANAGING POTENTIALLY DEMEANING BEHAVIORS
1. During confl ict, resist the temptation to offer feedback or advice
to your confl ict partner. Instead, focus on perspective taking and
listening for understanding. Save your feedback for well after the
confl ict has been resolved. Better yet, wait until you’re asked to
provide it.
2. In a confl ict, relationships are often strained. This creates greater
potential for attempts at humor to be misperceived. At the same
time, humor can be a great tension reliever. The best kind of humor
for confl ict situations is of the self-deprecating type. If you must
poke fun, poke fun at your own expense.
3. Monitor your nonverbal signals carefully. You might consider asking
a colleague for specifi c feedback on your nonverbal actions during
challenging meetings or confl ict discussions. Research has shown
that even slight mannerisms at the wrong time, such as eye rolling
or head tilting, can have a tremendously demeaning impact
on others.
Demeaning behavior affects not only the person who is “ targeted ” but often all
those within earshot. The following story contributed by Don Albert underscores
the often debilitating effect of a demeaning leader.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence114
One day Tom was in the administrative assistant’s offi ce, loudly rep-
rimanding her about a perceived mistake. I couldn’t help but overhear
even though my offi ce was three doors down. When he fi nished, she
was in tears. I met him in the corridor. I said, “You know, Tom, that’s not
the best way to help an employee improve performance. For gosh sakes,
we teach this stuff.” Tom replied, peering over his half–reading glasses,
“Don, I know all about that leadership stuff. I just chose not to use it
today.”
At that point I decided that I needed to coach my boss. I started doing
my homework by writing in a legal pad the behaviors I had witnessed
in similar interactions. After fi lling approximately thirteen pages in my
legal pad, I felt ready to speak with Tom. However, my “gut” wasn’t
quite ready. After all, Tom was my boss and he was responsible for my
performance review.
One fateful day at the end of a one-on-one meeting Tom asked, “Well,
Don, do you have anything else we need to talk about?” I was sitting in
my offi ce, behind my desk, with the legal pad in my top drawer. I knew
it was now or never. I said, in what I hoped was an upbeat manner, “As
a matter of fact, I do. Let’s discuss your leadership style.” He looked over
those half-glasses once again and said in an arrogant tone, “Oh really?”
Still trying to be upbeat and informal I replied, “Yes, if you have a few
minutes.”
I began by suggesting that his leadership style was perceived as
somewhat abrasive and blunt. He responded, in an angry tone, “Oh
yeah, well give me an example.” I opened my drawer, pulled out the
legal pad, and leafed through the pages (avoiding his half-glasses stare).
I found the incident about him and the administrative assistant. I relayed
the information to him with specifi c dates, the situation, his actions,
and the impact it had. As I was finishing, he interrupted, waved his
hand, and said, “Okay, give me another example.” I then reminded
him of an incident during a staff meeting when he verbally and publicly
reprimanded Debra, our instructional designer, about a perceived lack
of progress on a course she was developing. “Any other examples?” he
asked.
Our discussion lasted for two and a half hours. I was very glad I had
completed extensive homework with regard to specifi c situations and
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 115
behaviors that Tom had exhibited, as well as the impact it had on oth-
ers. When Tom left my offi ce, he did so in a quiet and refl ective manner.
I would like to tell you that he improved dramatically. He didn’t. He im-
proved incrementally. He no longer reprimanded people publicly, and his
approach seemed a little less abrasive. To Tom’s credit, he never let our
discussion infl uence my annual review.
Unfortunately, lasting damage had occurred. Not only had Tom’s
demeaning interactions affected individuals with whom he spoke, in
nearly every case others in the department overheard or witnessed the
behavior. The entire climate was affected and Tom’s reputation forever
tarnished. Eventually, Tom left the organization. But many of us have
scars and memories that will last a lifetime.
Retaliating
By far, the most common types of retaliatory behavior are associated with unex-
pressed or poorly expressed emotions or beliefs. When a person believes he ’ s been
wronged or embarrassed by another, the stage is set for retaliation. The stakes
grow higher when that person silently imagines a payback toward the offender.
The “ eye for an eye ” adage grows attractive and getting even takes on more impor-
tance than resolving the issue at hand. Obviously, assumptions and attributions
also play an important part in the retaliatory cycle.
The problem is that what is seen as “ getting even ” in one person ’ s mind is per-
ceived as a provocation by the other. What was once a misunderstanding is sud-
denly a full - blown relationship confl ict impacting not only the two principles, but
all those in proximity.
Retaliation can take many forms. Physical retaliation is the easiest to spot but
probably the least frequent to occur. Instances of workplace violence are rela-
tively rare. Verbal retaliation is more obvious and much more frequent. In the
workplace, passive resistance is probably the most common form of retaliation.
The length of time between the event and the retaliatory action varies widely.
Immediate retaliation occurs within seconds. Delayed retaliation may appear
within a few minutes or days or weeks later.
As with each destructive behavior, our advice is to use constructive approaches so
consistently that there ’ s little time or room for destructive behaviors. For yourself,
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence116
or when coaching others, whether you believe there ’ s a pattern of retaliatory be-
havior or just an occasional slip, here are some tips for avoiding retaliation.
AVOIDING RETALIATION
1. Assume positive intent. Much too often simple misunderstandings
lead to ugly confrontations and severed relationships. If you
perceive that you’ve been slighted by someone, and it’s an out-
of-the-ordinary occurrence, choose to believe that there is an
explanation devoid of malice.
2. When you fi nd yourself imagining a way to “get even,” stop
immediately and examine why you’re feeling this way. Allowing
yourself to step into the moment, assess your thoughts, and
consider your motivations slows everything down. At the worst, you
delay taking any action. At the best, you give yourself a chance to
reconsider.
3. If you fi nd yourself resisting someone else’s idea or suggestion (often
associated with passive resistance), take a moment to ask yourself
why you’re resistant. If you’re resistant because of the source or
person, you should take even more time for your assessment. You
must confront the reason for your resistance to the person, then
take steps to address the underlying resentment or issue.
Retaliatory behavior can only lead to deeper, longer - lasting confl icts. In many
cases, assumptions and attribution are the only sources of confl ict. Substantive
issues may not even exist. When you feel or believe that you ’ ve been unjustly
treated, it ’ s better to address that belief head on rather than via passive action or
guerilla tactics. When you deal ineffectively with your emotions or act on assump-
tions, confl icts will result or deepen.
Avoiding
When we ask people about how they generally deal with confl ict, the overwhelm-
ing response is that they try to avoid or deny it. They readily admit that this does
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 117
little to solve the problem, as the confl ict festers and usually fl ares up at a later
time. Even knowing this, they still prefer to avoid dealing with it. It is a natural
response — aversion to an unpleasant thing — but in the case of confl ict it provides
at best temporary relief, usually at the cost of more pain later on.
Since so many people tend to avoid confl ict, in our workshops we regularly
work on helping them learn how to lessen avoidance and increase their ability
to engage constructively. Avoidance is one aspect of the “ fl ight ” response and is a
natural and valuable part of our survival responses in truly life - threatening situa-
tions. It worked great thousands of years ago when we might have been faced with
a dangerous animal or other threat. The same instinct kicks in when we are faced
with less than life - threatening issues like confl ict in the offi ce, and unfortunately
it does not work well in these changed circumstances. Yet, the fl ight instinct is
hard-wired into our system, which can make it an easy default behavior when we
feel threatened.
So the question is, how can you overcome this hard - wired response? Tim
Ursiny, author of The Coward ’ s Guide to Confl ict, shared an approach that he uses
effectively with his clients (Ursiny, 2003). He calls it a pain/pleasure analysis. He
asks people a series of questions that helps them examine the relative value that
avoiding or engaging confl ict has for them. He says that the exercise is particularly
effective for people who are experiencing confl ict with their boss and are afraid to
deal with it (conversation with Craig on June 4, 2009).
Ursiny fi rst asks the client to think about the pain they might experience if they
face the confl ict. In the case of an employee dealing with a confl ict with his boss,
the potential pain might include getting reprimanded or in the extreme getting
fi red. He then asks the person to refl ect on the likelihood of these things actu-
ally happening. There are certainly situations when the boss may truly be mean,
vindictive, or retaliatory, and in those cases it may be best to avoid or eventually
to fi nd a new job. Fortunately, in most cases these things are not likely to happen
even though our thoughts about them contribute heavily to our desire to avoid.
A second step is asking the person to think about the pleasure he or she would
get from avoiding the confl ict. Usually in the short term, there is some relief that
comes from not having to face the other person, although it is often accompanied
by a nagging feeling that the issue is still there or that his or her interests are still
not met. An employee may put off asking for a raise because he doesn ’ t want to
face a confl ict with the boss. There may be relief in not having to face the boss, but
at the same time the employee isn ’ t getting his raise.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence118
In the third step, Ursiny asks the person to think about the pain that would
be caused by not facing the other person. Avoidance usually creates some pain,
but we often overlook this at the moment in favor of the temporary relief of not
having to engage the confl ict. The employee might forgo his raise, and he might
also get down because he didn ’ t stand up for himself. In other cases, we avoid but
know that at some point we ’ ll probably have to deal with the issue, and it hangs
over us like a cloud.
In the fi nal step, Ursiny has the person think about the pleasure that he might
derive from dealing with the confl ict. In addition to getting it over, perhaps he ’ ll
get the raise. In other contexts, he won ’ t have to carry the dread around for so
long. He may achieve a breakthrough and come up with a good solution to the
problem and a better relationship with the other person.
Ursiny says that, in his experience, people fi nd this exercise to be helpful in
putting their fears in context and in recognizing that avoidance is not their only
option. By addressing the pain of engagement and the pleasure of avoidance fi rst,
people are more willing to consider the other elements — the pain of avoidance
and the pleasure of engagement. The process of examining both components
often reveals the right answer for how to move forward.
Developing an Engagement Strategy Avoidance comes from a fear of en- gaging confl ict. It is a natural response, but one that does not work well in most
cases. When confl ict arises, it stirs up people ’ s emotions. It can produce fear, anger,
and other feelings. If a person doesn ’ t have a strategy for how to deal with these
situations, her emotions can lead her to default into fi ght - or - fl ight behaviors, the
latter of which leads to avoidance.
In addition to helping people deal with their emotions, in our workshops we
help them develop strategies they can use to respond to the confl ict more effec-
tively. We do this in advance of future confl icts because it is very diffi cult to do
this in the heat of the moment.
We talk about the specifi cs of engagement strategies later in the chapter; these
approaches become critical in providing a person with a framework he or she can
use to move forward to deal with the confl ict issues rather than feel overwhelmed
and run away. While he may still not like confl ict, he will have a specifi c set of
behaviors and approaches he can use that will enhance his ability to engage the
other person, discuss the issues, and develop solutions that lead to mutually
benefi cial outcomes.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 119
Engaging Confl icts in Performance Management Clients tell us that it is particularly diffi cult to deal with confrontations during performance manage-
ment discussions. It is diffi cult for managers to give subordinates bad news, so
they often don ’ t. Yet, a sugar - coated review does not help resolve problems, and in
the end it lets the employee down as well because he fails to receive feedback that
can help him improve. Our colleagues, Rick Voyles and Carol Rice at the Confl ict
Resolution Academy in Atlanta, describe an approach they have successfully used
to help clients effectively address performance management issues.
The workplace is a breeding ground for misunderstanding, resulting in
disputes that have the power to destroy teams, undermine the mission of
the agency, and lead to lower productivity and poor morale. That’s the
bad news. The good news is that there is a way to deal with these issues
that can help manage and/or prevent potential destructive confl icts.
While consulting for a large Atlanta fi rm, we learned that the fi rm’s
situation called for managing confl ict between the principals of the com-
pany. This high-level confl ict, based on performance issues, called for
a systemic approach if any resolutions were to be effective, long-term,
and stable. The company was stalled, and it was clear something had to
change. We initiated several techniques as part of the Collaborative Skills
System that we developed at the Confl ict Resolution Academy. In this
instance, we employed the collaborative feedback technique using our
Performance Documentation Instrument assessment tool.
The collaborative feedback technique is designed to create a collabora-
tive document that looks at the individual performance of the employee. It
helps develop an action plan with accountability and serves to support the
parties involved in the review. It also includes measurable outcomes. Man-
agers and supervisors who are trained in the use of this form benefi t from
the skills introduced when it is necessary to have a diffi cult conversation.
The collaborative feedback technique is mission driven. A series of spe-
cifi cally designed appreciative inquiry questions are asked in four areas:
response, options, commitment, and action items. Each question is to be
answered by both the manager/leader and the employee/volunteer.
Response includes questions designed to determine what is working
well and what needs improvement. Building upon information gathered
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence120
in this fi rst section, option questions brainstorm ways to maintain what is
working well as well as potential corrections for what needs to be done
differently. Commitment questions defi ne specifi c actions and timelines
for who will do what, when it will be done, how it will be done, where
it is going to be done, as well as what to expect if commitments are
not kept or what recognition there will be when commitments are kept.
Specifi c, detailed accountability is the goal of the action items section
of this collaborative endeavor. Dates are set for specifi c actions, accom-
plishment, consequences, and recognition. Signed commitment cards are
distributed to both the manager/leader and the employee/volunteer.
The result of our consulting and employment of the Collaboration
Skills System was a change in the decision-making process in the fi rm and
communication that led to improved exchanges and more productive
confl ict between the leadership of the fi rm. Each person became more
accountable for the responsibilities and outcomes assigned to her for
the growth and development of the business, and she began to look at
confl ict as a positive opportunity for change.
The fact is, performance-based reviews can create possibilities for more
disagreeable project and/or annual reviews. Feedback on performance
must be available in clear, concise, and concrete terms so that account-
ability is evident both on the part of the employee and the manager.
The Collaborative Skills System is designed to promote a performance
culture based on feedback, communication, and results, encouraging
dispute resolution at the lowest level.
While they must deal with the overarching mission objectives of the
organization, managers must also clearly communicate performance
expectations and hold employees responsible for accomplishing them,
make meaningful distinctions among employees based on performance
and contribution, foster and reward excellent performance, address poor
performance, create action plans, assure that employees are assigned a
rating of record when required, adhere to merit system principles and
prohibited personnel practices, and ensure continuing application of,
and compliance with, Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) laws, regu-
lations, and policy.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 121
Yielding
The second of the passive destructive behaviors measured in the Conflict
Dynamics Profi le is yielding. This occurs when a person responds to confl ict by
giving in to the other person just to avoid having to deal with the confl ict. It is
different from avoiding in that the person does not stay physically away from the
other person but rather capitulates to or accommodates the other person. This is
another type of the fl ight behaviors.
Yielding is not always a completely destructive behavior. You might give in
to the other person on a point that is not important to you in hopes of getting a
concession in return. This tactical approach can be helpful in certain cases. The
problem with yielding comes from consistent patterns of this behavior. When a
person regularly gives in to others in order to avoid addressing confl icts, problems
arise. In practice, you can spot yielding behaviors when you hear people say with
somewhat resigned voices, “ Okay, we ’ ll do it your way, ” or “ Whatever you want is
fi ne with me. ”
A habitual pattern of yielding can cause people to become dissatisfi ed with
themselves. They feel disappointed that they have not stuck up for their principles
or interests. They can also get a reputation as a pushover. Other people may begin
to take advantage of them.
When we ask about the downsides of yielding, people in our programs usu-
ally note the issues just raised. They also point out big downsides of yielding
for the organization. One of these is that the person who yields may have had a
better idea. If he gives in before his idea is seriously considered, his solution can
be lost and the organization loses out on a potentially valuable idea. This lack
of open, honest debate leads to lowered levels of innovation and poor decision
quality.
A number of organizations we have worked with display cultures of yielding.
We often fi nd this in contexts in which employees characterize their company or
agency as “ a nice organization. ” In these cases, people typically mean that they do
not like to challenge one another, so they quietly go along with someone who has
a strong agenda. By “ go along, ” they mean that they do not challenge the person
in the meeting, but it does not mean that they support the person in implementa-
tion. While it appears that the person received consent from others for his idea,
when he starts to move ahead on implementation, there is little or no support
from the others who appeared to give their consent.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence122
Moving Beyond Yielding When working with individuals or groups who have a habit of using yielding behavior, we fi rst try to help them explore why
they find conflict so discomforting. You can use similar techniques to those
discussed in the section on avoiding. While there are differences between these two
behavioral patterns, they are both driven by either fear of or discomfort around
confl ict. People may be concerned about hurting someone else or being hurt
themselves. They may be scared of the emotional aspects of conflict or the
uncertainties it brings.
We fi nd that it helps for people to talk about their concerns, especially in safe
contexts. This is somewhat easier if the people in a training group do not know
one another or when people work in the same area and have high trust of each
other. Clearly, discussions of this sort must be of a voluntary nature, and that is
why it is so important for a trainer to make sure the context is safe for sharing.
As people talk about the concerns that lead them to yield, it can be helpful to ask
individuals how they feel about using this behavior. Some people are completely
comfortable yielding and fi nd this an appropriate strategy for themselves. Others
feel fi ne about using the technique but only in specifi c situations. Most people,
though, have some regrets about giving in to others when they don ’ t believe the
other person ’ s solution is best. When you fi nd people who are dissatisfi ed with
their general pattern of yielding, you can ask them about how they would prefer
to handle confl ict situations. This inquiry can typically lead to new insights about
alternative behavioral approaches.
Hiding Emotions
One of the destructive behaviors on the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le (CDP) is hiding
emotions. This is closely linked to the constructive behavior of expressing emotions,
only in a negative manner. The inclusion of both behavior patterns on the CDP em-
phasizes the importance that the emotional side of confl ict plays in our models.
Hiding emotions is essentially the same thing as suppressing, which almost
always results in negative outcomes. Indeed, researchers have found that suppress-
ing emotions is the worst strategy for emotional regulation (Gross, 1998). When
people suppress emotions, it can even affect their health. It also makes it harder
for other people to understand what ’ s truly going on in the confl ict. Suppressed
emotions typically fester and oftentimes emerge as some form of active destruc-
tive behavior, such as an outburst of anger or perhaps demeaning remarks to
another person.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 123
When we work with individuals who have high scores on hiding emotions, they
often have low scores on expressing emotions. The techniques described in the
expressing emotions section of this chapter are those that we use to help people
overcome the inclination to hide their emotions.
Self - Criticizing
When people obsess over the ways in which they ’ ve mishandled a confl ict, they ’ re
engaging in the CDP behavior of self - criticizing. While refl ecting on ways in which
a person could have handled a confl ict better can be positive, when one thinks over
and over again about the things she did that were wrong in a confl ict, it can sap
her energy and prevent her from moving forward productively. It is okay to learn
from your mistakes, but to run yourself down for every small mistake you made in
a confl ict setting is counterproductive. When we work with people who have high
scores on self - criticizing, we often fi nd that they have a number of high scores on
hot buttons as well. That ’ s because often people with high standards can get irritated
when the standards are not met — either by others, which is the case in hot buttons,
or by themselves, which can be the case in self - criticizing. We encourage people to
refl ect on why they are so self - critical and whether or not this is a behavioral pattern
that works for them or against them. When we fi nd that people view it as counter-
productive, we then help them think about how they can lessen their use of this
behavior. One of the approaches we use is similar to the techniques described in the
section on mindfulness in Chapter Three . This involves becoming aware of the self -
criticizing behavior and thinking patterns while they ’ re occurring. Once awareness
of the pattern arises, the person steps back and just observes the thoughts or feelings
he ’ s having that are of a self - critical nature. The key here is observing the thought
in a nonjudgmental manner. It does no good to look at the self - critical thought and
then become self - critical about having the thought. That just fosters further rumi-
nation about one ’ s inadequacies. The idea is to merely observe the thoughts and/or
feelings until they pass. And indeed, they do pass when less energy is given to them.
This can be diffi cult if you ’ ve had a pattern of self - criticizing for many years; it is
like a habit. Yet, slowly and surely, it is possible to break that habit by observing, in a
dispassionate manner, those thoughts as they come and as they go.
You can ask trusted associates to help you with this. If you start running your-
self down or talking over and over again about how poorly you handled a situa-
tion, your colleague can suggest that it looks like you ’ re being overly self - critical.
It may be time to step back and just observe those thoughts and let them pass.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence124
And while you step back, you needn ’ t analyze the correctness of your thoughts, or
whether or not you indeed were overly self - critical, but just observe the thoughts
and feelings, nonjudgmentally, and allow them to slowly dissolve and work on
thinking of more positive things. When people are able to overcome overly self -
critical behavior patterns, their energy for moving forward after confl icts is mark-
edly improved.
ORCHESTRATING THE USE OF CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
There is obviously a lot to consider when confronted with confl ict. We ’ ve spent
a signifi cant amount of time reviewing its cognitive, emotional, and behavioral
aspects. One additional consideration in addressing confl ict is its severity or in-
tensity. In our previous books, we introduced a scale of intensity. We ’ ve included a
brief review of our intensity scale as a prelude to an orchestration exercise we use
to bring the entire notion of constructive engagement together.
Intensity
Most of us tend to recall conflicts that rank among the most painful or awful
moments in our lives. And many of our clients come to us during those very mo-
ments. As the intensity of confl ict rises, so do the stakes, and so does the challenge
of fi nding resolution. As a consequence, we often hear about confl icts that border
on being virtually irreconcilable.
There ’ s no doubt that the intensity of confl ict can escalate rapidly. That ’ s why
we so passionately recommend that confl ict be addressed early and often. To em-
phasize this concept, we have compared the intensity levels of confl ict to the in-
tensity scale used to describe the fi ve intensity levels of hurricanes. Just as weather
experts recommend different ways to prepare for and recover from storms of vari-
ous strengths or intensity, we believe it ’ s important to consider the intensity levels
of our confl icts as a factor in shaping our responses. With this in mind, we offer
a brief review of the fi ve intensity levels and some suggestions on how to prepare
or respond during each.
The Intensity Levels of Confl ict Level 1: Differences We defi ne this level as times when two or more people see
a situation differently, understand the other parties ’ positions and interests well,
and feel no discomfort regarding the difference.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 125
The vast majority of people probably don ’ t consider differences to be a form
of confl ict at all, let alone being an intensity level. On the contrary, we contend
that differences contain the very essence of healthy or constructive confl ict. When
individuals and teams can deal with confl ict while it ’ s low in intensity, confl ict
becomes an asset.
The essence of this lowest level of conflict intensity rests in two or more peo-
ple having different perspectives. The recommended response to differences is to
embrace and explore them! What better time to debate, compare, and analyze than
when no animosity exists. Such differences can ultimately lead to better outcomes.
When confl ict exists at this lowest level of intensity, we suggest that listening for
understanding and perspective taking are the best tools for exploring the possibili-
ties. Use this as an opportunity to investigate deeply, express wonder, demonstrate
curiosity, and challenge with gusto.
Level 2: Misunderstandings We defi ne misunderstandings as times or situations
when what is understood by one person is different than what is understood by
others.
Misunderstandings are normal and commonplace. They happen all the time
in our lives. In most cases they are relatively innocuous. They appear as minor
“ speed bumps ” on life ’ s highway. We experience it, take care of it, and move on.
The challenge occurs when misunderstandings cause problems or issues that take
time to resolve. Tension rises when misunderstandings result in embarrassment
or inconvenience. In the workplace, intensity rises to this level when misunder-
standings lead to missed targets, opportunities, appointments, commitments, and
obligations. Attributions form, accusations follow, and soon you have a signifi cant
confl ict on your hands.
Most misunderstandings are handled quickly and easily. This happens when
they are addressed as early as possible. Other misunderstandings can lead to
higher levels of intensity. We categorize misunderstandings as level 2 primarily
because of their potential to morph quickly to higher levels. We believe that the
longer a misunderstanding goes unresolved, the greater the likelihood that it will
grow to higher intensity levels. In addition, the more critical the misunderstood
issue is to those involved, the more potential there is for escalation.
Reaching out and making an apology if you are responsible for the confusion
is especially important. We also recommend a healthy dose of listening for under-
standing and sharing thoughts and feelings when misunderstandings occur.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence126
If misunderstandings happen frequently, it may be a sign of issues related to
poor communication. When the frequency is high, we recommend regular check-
ing for understanding and summarizing to help ensure shared comprehension.
In other words, slowing down the speed of delivery and discussions may aid in
improving the communication.
Level 3: Disagreements We defi ne disagreements as times when two or more
people see a situation differently and, regardless of how well they understand the
others ’ positions and interests, feel discomfort that the other parties disagree.
This is the midpoint of the intensity scale. It ’ s also a very delicate balance point
between constructive and destructive avenues. Because emotions are engaged at
this point, there ’ s a heightened potential for the confl ict to go poorly.
On one hand, a disagreement can be a signal to slow down and examine dif-
ferences that may lead to new ideas or creative solutions. It ’ s critical in moments
like this that all views are fully considered. On the other hand, a disagreement can
indicate emotional or relationship issues that are in need of attention. If ignored,
these kinds of issues most certainly can lead to more intensity and/or destructive
results.
The key to handling disagreements effectively is to not ignore them. We suggest
a balance between expressing empathy and demonstrating understanding of the
position of one ’ s confl ict partner. These two skills comprise both elements of per-
spective taking. Taking care of the relationship or emotions fi rst is recommended.
In addition, one must also remember to clearly and honestly express one ’ s own
thoughts and feelings.
Level 4: Discord We defi ne discord as situations where the confl ict causes dif-
fi culties in the relationship of the people involved even when the people are not
dealing with the original confl ict.
Once a confl ict reaches the level of discord, serious damage to relationships
can result if the confl ict is not addressed effectively. Discord is characterized by
chronic tension and strain among those involved even during routine interac-
tions. In other words, the parties involved begin to experience consistent, ongoing
diffi culties with their interactions. This “ carryover ” effect makes discord especially
complex and challenging to address.
Discord most often results from differences, misunderstandings, or disagree-
ments that have been mishandled. The participants must engage in constructive
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 127
dialogue to have any chance of cooling the intensity enough to enable resolution.
We coach the individuals involved to fi rst reach out to one another in order to
reestablish a discussion. Once reengaged, we recommend that the parties spend
considerable time listening to the others ’ views, acknowledging the others ’ per-
spectives, and summarizing the thoughts and feelings of their confl ict partners.
Only through persistent demonstrations of understanding can the intensity of
discord be reduced. Unaddressed, discord can easily escalate to the most intense
level of confl ict, polarization.
Level 5: Polarization We define polarization as conflict situations charac-
terized by severe negative emotions and behavior with little or no hope for
reconciliation.
Two common themes arise during this most severe level. One theme involves
the active recruitment of others for supporting one ’ s position. The other is an
unwillingness or inability to attempt perspective taking. The chasm is so great that
accusations and attributions become the norm. Neither side is willing to reengage.
Attempts at resolution are considered futile if not impossible. For comparison,
when a marriage is at the polarization level, the couple is likely proceeding toward
divorce. When countries arrive at this level, they may be on the brink of war.
This level of intensity is obviously damaging and painful, but it is not impos-
sible to address. The one absolutely compulsory step for progress is communica-
tion. Those involved must agree to meet, listen, and talk. Quite often third party
mediators are necessary. Through them, ground rules can be established for listen-
ing, perspective taking, expressing thoughts and feelings, and eventually reaching
collaborative solutions. Nothing about this is easy. Through constructive com-
munication, though, there is hope.
Understanding the intensity of confl icts can enable confl ict participants to
gauge their use of constructive behaviors. Clearly, the lower the intensity, the eas-
ier it is to overlook the opportunities. The higher the intensity, the harder it is to
ignore the obvious concerns. Simply acknowledging the fact that confl ict exists
at different intensity levels and understanding what it takes to address the vari-
ous levels can be extremely helpful. Rather than succumbing to the inclination to
avoid or lash out, confl ict participants can consider instead ways to constructively
engage in behaviors that provide hope for progress. We do not pretend to have a
linear, sequential model for engaging in constructive confl ict behaviors. Confl icts
simply do not occur in simple, easily defi nable ways. Consequently, what it takes
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence128
to address conflict competently is as complex and challenging as the conflict
itself. This doesn ’ t mean that confl ict competence is unattainable. On the contrary,
with a combination of self - awareness, understanding, and practice, anyone can
improve his or her confl ict competence.
CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION EXERCISE
We have devised an exercise for two (or more) people in confl ict to use
that offers both an opportunity to practice constructive communication
and discover potential solutions to their confl ict. The participants will
examine one person’s confl ict at a time. The other person will play the
role of the confl ict partner.
Step 1: Describe the Confl ict
Each participant writes a paragraph describing the confl ict as it currently
exists.
Encourage participants to state clearly how the confl ict began.
Tell them that they will share this statement with their confl ict
partner.
Direct each participant to write a second paragraph describing a
solution to the confl ict. (This statement is not used until the end of
the exercise.)
Step 2: Planning for Starting and Maintaining Communications (Reaching Out)
Participants craft a statement they can use to reach out to their
partners.
Encourage the use of “I statements.”
Encourage taking responsibility.
Encourage an apology if warranted.
Statements should include clear desire to make progress.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 129
Reaching out can be diffi cult for people, particularly for those who
prefer to avoid confl ict. Spending time developing an approach for doing
it can help ease the anxiety. Part of the process involves becoming clear
about the issue involved. When you go to the other person to request that
you talk about the issue, it is important to be able to state it in a clear,
concise manner. It is also important not to get into the issue until you
have set some ground rules for how you will proceed. It is too easy to fall
into an argument at this point, so it may be best to schedule a later time
to talk.
Step 3: Participants Engage in Reaching Out
One participant reads or says her prepared statement to the other.
The listener simply nods and says, “Thank you.”
The second participant reads or says his prepared statement.
The listener listens, nods, and says, “Thank you.”
No further discussion is allowed.
Step 4: Planning for Perspective Taking (and Listening for Understanding)
Participants write two statements.
One statement summarizes one signifi cant content point or view she
thinks is held by her partner.
One statement describes an emotion or feeling she believes her
partner holds and the reason for that emotion.
Encourage participants to see the confl ict from their partner’s
perspective.
When we work with participants in our programs, we have them pre-
pare for discussions about confl icts. Part of the process involves think-
ing about how the other person may be seeing the confl ict. This helps
prevent surprises and starts the process of becoming curious about how
the other person understands the confl ict and feels about it. It makes it
easier to then listen and ask clarifying questions when engaging in per-
spective taking with the other person.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence130
Step 5: Participants Engage in Perspective Taking
One participant reads or says his statement regarding a signifi cant
content point held by his partner. Then he asks, “Do I have that
right?”
The other responds openly.
If a correction or restatement is warranted, the original speaker
makes it.
The other participant reads or says her content statement, then asks,
“Do I have that right?”
The other responds openly.
If a correction or restatement is warranted, the original speaker
makes it.
The process is repeated for the statements of emotion or feelings.
Steps 4 and 5 may be repeated until both parties are satisfi ed that
enough perspective taking and empathy have been demonstrated
that progress can be made.
We encourage people to spend significant time on this process.
The key is to deeply understand how each other sees and feels about the
confl ict. This does not mean you agree with your partner about the issue,
just that you understand them. Sometimes people rush through this part
of the process because they are uncomfortable with perspective taking,
but the facilitator can play a role in making sure that suffi cient listening
is done. One way to test whether enough listening has been done is to
ask each party to state the way the other thinks and feels about it. If the
confl ict partner agrees that the other person has a good understanding
of him, then they are ready for the next step.
Step 6: Planning for Sharing Thoughts and Feelings (Expressing Emotions)
Participants write two statements.
One statement is a clear expression of his feeling or emotion about
the confl ict.
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 131
One statement is an expression of a key thought or idea he has
about the confl ict.
Encourage participants to be honest and open about their thoughts
and feelings.
Confl ict communications involve talking and listening. We believe that
confl ict competent people generally listen fi rst because it helps them
learn more about what is involved and it also helps reduce tensions. After
you have heard the other person out, there comes a time when you need
to share your views and feelings on the confl ict. Refl ecting on these in
advance can be helpful because it allows you to order your thoughts for
more effective presentation.
Step 7: Participants Engage in Sharing Thoughts and Feelings
One participant reads or says her statement regarding a feeling or
emotion.
The other responds by demonstrating understanding and empathy.
The other participant reads or says her statement regarding a feeling
or emotion.
The other responds by demonstrating understanding and empathy.
The process repeats for the statements of thoughts or ideas.
Steps 6 and 7 may be repeated.
We encourage the facilitator to make sure that the person sharing
talks about both thoughts and feelings. People are more comfortable
talking about thoughts and will often leave out a discussion of how they
feel. This is important information.
Step 8: Planning for Collaborative Problem Solving (Refl ective Thinking, Creating Solutions, Adapting)
Each participant writes a paragraph describing how progress can be
made.
Each participant writes three questions to ask his or her partner.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence132
Each participant writes a second paragraph describing what he or
she could do differently.
Encourage the use of specifi c words and actions.
Once the parties have heard each other, they are in a position to look
at how to solve the problem in ways that address the concerns of each.
Successful resolutions come from addressing those elements that are
important to each party. So being clear on the interests of each per-
son is the starting point. Coming up with possible solutions comes next.
Considering options in advance can help this process. Encourage the
participants to think about a number of possible solutions. We often fi nd
people settle for simple compromises at this point and often overlook
better options.
When creating questions to ask their partners, suggest they request
feedback on how to improve different aspects of possible solutions. We
also suggest asking about how the solution looks from the other person’s
perspective.
Step 9: Participants Engage in Collaborative Problem Solving
Participants take turns reading their descriptions of how progress
can be made.
Each is encouraged to comment on the other’s description.
Participants take turns asking their prepared questions and
responding.
Participants share their statements of what they could each do
differently.
This stage is where breakthroughs take place. As in step 5, we
encourage spending enough time on this step. When participants com-
ment on each other’s descriptions and answer questions, we suggest
that they point out something positive and add another point that
might also be helpful. When participants share statements about what
they could do differently, we recommend they build on one anoth-
er’s suggestions. Rather than critiquing the other person’s suggestion,
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 133
acknowledge some good about it and then add one point that could
improve it.
Step 10: Compare Beginning and Ending Solutions
Participants take turns sharing their original “solution” to the
confl ict.
Participants are encouraged to comment on the differences between
the original solutions and their comments during step 9.
This exercise takes at least 90 minutes to complete. It can be used for
real confl icts or as a practice activity in a training program. It is admit-
tedly more “step by step” than a real confl ict conversation. However, it
effectively slows down the thinking and emoting processes of the con-
fl ict participants so they have time to consider the other’s perspectives.
It also allows each party to cool down when their emotions run high.
Finally, it provides the opportunity to plan, then engage in constructive
behaviors that can lead to progress, resolution, and ultimately satisfac-
tory outcomes to confl ict.
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One of the most signifi cant learning outcomes during the activity is the com-
parison of the solution prepared at the start of the exercise with the potential solu-
tions generated at the end. All too often participants in confl ict rush to solutions.
This results in outcomes that are seldom truly mutually agreeable, satisfying, or
successful. Rather, when practicing the “cool down, slow down, engage” process
within the framework of constructive communication behaviors, the confl ict is
more fully examined. Both the emotional and content aspects are carefully ad-
dressed. Participants are often surprised at the new options they created for mak-
ing progress and reaching resolutions.
If you have time, you can run through the exercise a second time. In the sec-
ond round allow the communications to fl ow more freely, as in a normal confl ict
context. People can complete steps 2, 4, 6, and 8 ahead of time. They then work
in “ real time ” on reaching out, listening, expressing, and collaborative problem
solving. The sequence may begin the same as the fi rst round, but it is likely that
there may be deviations. After reaching out, discussion might start with emo-
tions. If things get too hot, there may be a need for some cooling down time.
The participants may jump ahead to problem solving only to have to fall back
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence134
to the listening and expressing steps. One thing the facilitator needs to watch
for is the participants jumping to the solution stage before discovering ad-
equate understanding of the issue from both parties ’ sides. Allowing people to
practice these constructive behaviors in safe contexts will help them develop
the skills that they can then use in real - life settings. You may want to have pe-
riodic follow - up sessions to enable people to refl ect, adjust, and continue to
practice.
Below, Denise Pearson at the University of Denver shares her experience using
principles of confl ict competence, the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le, and her own
unique blend of constructive approaches.
CONFLICT AND APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY
The Confl ict Dynamics Profi le 360 coupled with the organizational devel-
opment process of appreciative inquiry offers organizational leaders a
unique opportunity to engage in collaborative problem solving, employ-
ing refl ective practices and strengths - based dialogue. Combined, these
two approaches are particularly useful in mitigating confl ict resulting
from organizational change efforts.
More than two decades of consulting and partnering with organi-
zational leaders in the fi elds of health care, nonprofi t administration,
higher education, public administration, and business on organizational
confl ict and change management supports claims that the only guaran-
tees in workplaces around the globe are the inevitability and omnipres-
ence of confl ict, change, and the increasing value of leaders who can
navigate these complex and dynamic environments.
Observed through organizational downsizing, reengineering, and
mergers and acquisitions, change is continually unfolding on an inter-
national level — commonly triggering organizational conflict. Conse-
quently, organizational leaders are compelled to equip themselves with
the knowledge and skills necessary to mitigate ensuing confl ict while
keeping change initiatives on track for achieving organizational goals
and objectives. The process of change can be wrought with confl ict, for
personal grounds ranging from fear for economic well - being; fear of the
unknown; fear of losing important social relationships; and individuals ’
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 135
inability to recognize the need for change. Organizations, too, often
foster resistance to change through support of structural inertia, which
creates the perception of stability and work team inertia supported by
the development of strong social norms. Threats to existing balances of
power and recall of previously unsuccessful change efforts further serve
to obstruct change initiatives.
The challenge to successful change is further complicated when tran-
sition management is neglected. Bridges (2003) and others have writ-
ten extensively about this organizational phenomenon, emphasizing the
difference between change and transition. While change is generally
doctrinaire in nature, transition represents the internal journey through
which people confront and process change. Given its principally personal
nature, transition presents additional challenges and opportunities
for organizational leaders, which too can be supported by reflective
practices and creative problem - solving activities — the Confl ict Dynamics
Profi le (CDP) 360 and appreciative inquiry (AI), as suggested here.
The CDP 360 and change management are natural concepts to discuss
concurrently. The CDP 360 offers leaders an opportunity to participate in
a nonevaluative development process that engages members from across
the organization. Runde and Flanagan talk extensively about this; I use
this in my consulting practice to help leaders identify constructive and de-
structive confl ict behaviors that can advance or hinder their effectiveness
(Runde and Flanagan, 2007). The CDP 360 complements refl ective leader-
ship practices, which further promote the importance of a leader ’ s need
to create vision, motivate, inspire, and empower individuals to think and
behave in ways that are aligned with organizational mission and goals.
CDP 360
The CDP 360 has proven to be highly effective in my work illustrating
leadership blind spots, one of the four quadrants represented in Luft
and Ingham ’ s Johari Window (1955). The Johari Window consists of four
quadrants that help facilitate understanding of what one knows about
oneself, what one does not know about oneself, what others know
about oneself, and what others don ’ t know about oneself. The “ blind
spot ” is located in the quadrant that contains those things one does not
know about oneself but are known by others (Luft and Ingham, 1955).
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence136
The CDP 360 can help leaders identify those blind spots relevant to their
confl ict behavior — before, during, and after an episode. The critical pro-
cess of refl ection that follows data analysis provides the opportunity for
leaders to increase their capacity to motivate and inspire members of the
organization to achieve both organizational and personal goals. Based
on the work of Sch ö n (1996), Harris (1998), and others, refl ective prac-
tices encourage continuous development and improvement — a must for
twenty - fi rst century leadership. When combined with the cooperative,
strengths - based process of appreciative inquiry, the personal and refl ec-
tive nature of the CDP 360 represents a powerful and energetic approach
to change management.
Appreciative Inquiry
Appreciative inquiry (AI) as a collaborative refl ective process is quickly
becoming this consultant ’ s organizational development tool of choice.
The key principles illustrate its potential to build organizational capacity
for change and confl ict resolution. Derived from the work of Cooperrider
(1986), the fi ve principles of AI are summarized as follows by Reed:
1. The constructivist principle. People develop ideas about the world
through interpretation and construction, which leads to different
views.
2. The principle of simultaneity. Inquiry and change occur together at
the same time.
3. The poetic principle. As people develop stories about their worlds,
they try out different “ plotlines. ”
4. The anticipatory principle. The way people think about the future
infl uences the way they approach it.
5. The positive principle. Positive inquiry can create deeper
engagement. (Cooperrider, 1986; Reed, 2007)
In essence, AI allows organizations to engage in the process of
construction, in the telling of their stories about the past, present, and
future. It recognizes that inquiry encourages refl ection, which has the
capacity to lead to change. AI furthermore supports individuals and
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Engaging Confl ict Constructively 137
groups in the telling of their stories through a process that is engaging
and easily reached. Recognizing the relationship between how people
think about their future and how they move toward it, AI emphasizes
what presently works well as a foundation for building a stronger
future.
To summarize, as leaders seek to develop conflict competency
throughout their organizations, the CDP 360 has been utilized effectively
in combination with the four - phase process of appreciative inquiry. The
four phases of this structured inquiry process (discovery, dream, design,
and delivery) are built in part on the assumptions that every organization
can fi nd things that work, and the act of asking the right questions has
the potential to positively infl uence the future thoughts and actions of
organizational members. The task becomes that of fully leveraging the
best of the rediscovered past, characterized by refl ective practices, on
behalf of future visioning, innovative organizational design, and sensitivity
to the human dimension of implementing change.
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139139
Team Confl ict Competence
When we work with teams, we ask the members if they encoun-ter conflict in their work. They almost always say yes and readily agree that they will face it again in the future. When we probe
further to see if they have developed processes for handling confl icts
when they emerge, they almost always say no. This is why we believe
teams have such a diffi cult time dealing with confl ict.
Team confl ict is both natural as well as inevitable. It emerges from many types of
differences that the members bring to a team such as education, experience, values,
culture, personality, and interests. These differences can sometimes lead to people
feeling threatened. They can also create expectations about how others should respond.
This, in turn, leads to confl icts when people do not respond in the desired manner.
In Chapter One we talked about two kinds of conflict — task and relation-
ship. Task confl ict occurs when people have differences and they work to solve the
problems and issues caused by the differences. This kind of confl ict can result in
creative solutions, good decisions, and improved implementation. Relationship
conflict is typified by focusing on whom to blame as opposed to how to solve
problems. It leads to divisiveness and poorer outcomes in teams. When teams
experience more task confl ict than relationship confl ict, they tend to perform
better. So, how do teams engage in task confl ict?
Signifi cant research has examined this issue over the past ten years. The key
question is whether team members are able to openly and honestly discuss diffi -
cult issues in a constructive manner. While this sounds straightforward, it clearly is
not easy given the degree of diffi culty that most teams experience around confl ict.
� c h a p t e r
F I V E
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence140
In Building Confl ict Competent Teams, we reviewed the research and provided a
framework for what teams need to do to foster robust discussion of issues and
keep communications moving in a positive direction. There are two critical steps
that teams can take to improve their chances of making the most out of the con-
fl icts they experience. The fi rst involves creating the right climate for discussions,
and the second deals with using effective communication strategies to explore
issues and develop solutions to problems. However, even when the right climate is
established and teams employ effective communication strategies, teams may still
experience confl ict challenges. In the pages that follow, we suggest ways to create
the right climate and communicate effectively. We ’ ll also provide recommenda-
tions for staying on track, handling confl ict on virtual teams, and meeting the
challenge of cultural differences among team members.
THE RIGHT CLIMATE
Creating the right climate means developing processes for handling confl icts when
they emerge. While there is no single right way to do this, there is one clearly
wrong approach and that is to do nothing. We recommend teams discuss their
current attitudes as well as new ways of looking at confl ict. We also suggest that
they develop norms for developing and maintaining trust among team members
so each person can feel safe sharing their opinions with the others. Developing
a sense of “ teamness ” in which each member feels that everyone is working for
the good of the team enables everyone to give others the benefit of the doubt
when confl icts emerge. Finally, the emotional side of team confl icts is particularly
important. Negative emotions can spread among team members and complicate
working toward solutions. We look at each of these areas and suggest approaches
teams can use to create a more effective climate for managing their confl icts. The
various components are shown in Figure 5.1 .
Improving Attitudes
In Chapter Two we talked about processes we use in our workshops to help indi-
viduals think about the ways they currently view confl ict. These same approaches
work well in team settings. People usually fi nd it quite interesting to hear how
their teammates view confl ict. If most people on a team view confl ict negatively,
it becomes easy to see why teammates would prefer avoiding it and why the
team might not have procedures in place to manage it. This is true even when
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Team Confl ict Competence 141
all or most of the members admit that confl icts inevitably arise. It is even true
when most people agree that a total lack of confl ict would lead to stagnation and
mediocre outcomes.
We also find it helpful to have teams talk about how they have managed
conflicts in the past. This can be uncomfortable in the beginning, but with
encouragement from a facilitator people are usually able to share insights that can
both explain why it has been diffi cult to address confl ict and what steps a team
may need to take to handle it.
Perhaps the best exercise is one we described in Chapter Two . It involves talk-
ing about confl icts that went well. It is so effective; here ’ s how to adapt it to team
settings.
Figure 5.1 Team Confl ict Competence Model
Listening for
Understanding
Techniques for Staying on Track
Reflective Thinking and
Delayed Responding
Right Climate
Constructive Communications
Perspective Taking
Expressing Emotions
Emotional Intelligence
Behavioral Integration
Safety
Trust
Attitudes
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence142
1. We ask the team to select a confl ict they experienced that turned out well —
in other words a constructive confl ict.
2. We then ask them to talk about how they handled the confl ict and what
seemed to lead to the positive outcome. We have them note down the actions they
took that were helpful.
3. Next, we ask them to come up with additional confl icts that had positive
outcomes. Sometimes this can be diffi cult and one has to settle for situations in
which there were some positive outcomes as well as some unfavorable ones. Again,
participants look for actions they took that contributed to favorable results.
4. Finally, team members look for common factors that seemed to lead confl ict
in a positive direction. These become possible behavioral norms that the team can
use in the future to foster positive outcomes.
The power of the exercise is to help people realize that confl ict can result in
positive outcomes depending on how it is handled. This helps overcome a general
reluctance to deal with confl ict. If confl ict is seen only as a bad thing, then at best
it is something to avoid or suppress.
Trust and Safety
When teams manage confl ict effectively, their members talk openly and honestly
about their differences. People are reluctant to do this unless they feel safe. They
need to know that what they say won ’ t be used against them by others. Otherwise,
they will remain quiet and play their cards close to their vests.
Trust and safety play a central role in fostering the kind of climate in which
people feel comfortable talking with one another about diffi cult issues. So what
do teams need to do to be able to create and maintain trust? In Building Confl ict
Competent Teams, we reviewed the research around trust and psychological safety
and found:
A critical element of trust is having confidence that others have your best
interests in mind and won ’ t use what you say against you.
Getting to know more about other team members through structured disclo-
sure (discussed later in the chapter) can help build trust.
Acting with integrity, being honest, demonstrating courage, showing respect,
being dependable, caring about others, and giving others the benefi t of the
doubt all help build trust.
•
•
•
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Team Confl ict Competence 143
Trusting in others involves being vulnerable; it is helpful when team leaders can
show their own vulnerability.
Using constructive communication behaviors requires risk and is easier to do
in high - trust situations.
Trust can be challenging when team members have different values or come
from different groups because stereotypes can emerge that cause suspicions
and negative attributions.
Breaches of trust can be damaging; people will often forgive one breach but
rarely will they forgive a second one (Elangovan, Werner, and Szabo, 2007).
Therefore, team leaders need to address breaches quickly.
Psychological safety involves taking risks with the entire team (like telling
others how you honestly feel about a situation) and requires both individual
trust and mutual respect for one another (Edmondson, 2004).
Our research also led us to talk with Drs. Dennis and Michelle Reina, who
have developed an elegant model for developing and regaining team trust. Their
model is presented in their book, Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace (Reina and
Reina, 2006). It includes an analysis of several different types of trust and what
can be done to enhance them. The three types are:
1. Contractual trust (trust of character), which develops confi dence in the inten-
tions of others — it involves managing expectations, establishing boundaries,
encouraging mutually serving intentions, and doing what you say you are
going to do
2. Communication trust (trust of disclosure), which includes sharing informa-
tion, telling the truth, admitting mistakes, giving and receiving feedback, and
maintaining confi dences
3. Capability trust (trust of capability), which builds confidence in others ’ abil-
ity to deliver on promises by acknowledging abilities, allowing people
to make decisions, seeking input from others, and helping people build
skills
The Reina trust model also looks at how trust is eroded through betrayals and
how it is rebuilt. Betrayals are apparent or real breaches of trust. As Dennis says,
“ Betrayal comes with trust; it is part of the human condition ” (Reina and Reina,
•
•
•
•
•
c05.indd 143c05.indd 143 12/19/09 12:05:08 PM12/19/09 12:05:08 PM
Developing Your Confl ict Competence144
2006, p. 110). So rebuilding trust after breaches becomes as important as creating
it in the fi rst place. It is an ongoing effort.
The Reina s’ model envisions a number of steps in rebuilding trust, including:
1. Observing and acknowledging what has happened
2. Allowing feelings about the breach to surface
3. Getting support from a friend or trusted colleague to address the feelings
4. Reframing the experience to look for lessons that can come from it
5. Taking responsibility for your part in the matter
6. Forgiving yourself and others
7. Letting go and moving on
We ’ re very pleased that Dennis and Michelle were able to share the following
selection from their work.
DEVELOPING COMMUNICATION TRUST: LAYING THE FOUNDATION OF SAFETY TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT
At work, I cannot always honestly share my thoughts and feelings.
I ’ m afraid of what will happen if I do. I have developed a tendency
to say what I think they want me to say rather than how I truly feel.
This isn ’ t the way I want to be or how others generally see me, but
this is how I feel safest in my current work environment. As long as
I am professional and considerate in expressing my opinions, there
shouldn ’ t be any negative consequences, but unfortunately, this is
not always the case.
I would like management to provide a process where people can
voice their concerns, feelings, and needs safely. Recognize the need to
openly talk about the issues and work them through. Allow employees
to speak with supervisors and with one another without retribution.
People listening and talking with one another without prejudging or
overreacting — this is what creates trust in the workplace!
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Team Confl ict Competence 145
Do we communicate openly and honestly? Do we create safe forums
or work environments in which people are encouraged to express their
concerns or voice their feelings without our prejudging them, making
assumptions, or overreacting? Can employees speak the truth without fear
of retribution? Particularly in times of change, people yearn for straight-
forward communication and need it from their leaders and one another. If
people don ’ t tell the truth, trust can ’ t grow. This is particularly important
in today ’ s global economy, where honesty is highly valued worldwide.
Experience shows that when the truth goes by the wayside, trust
diminishes. People ’ s natural openness is replaced by sarcasm and cynicism.
Regardless of how savvy we may be in spinning the truth, others detect
when they are receiving anything less than the full truth. Partial truth
creates a betrayal that may take a great deal of time to overcome.
Truth telling is the foundation for trust in an organization, and it is
essential for resolving confl ict. Telling the truth often takes courage, and
employees look to their leaders to create a safe environment in order to
have those “ courageous conversations. ” Especially in times of change,
employees need their leaders to scrupulously and unfl inchingly tell the
truth — and nothing but the truth.
Because trust and honesty go together, a leader ’ s behavior is crucial in
building trust and fostering honest communication. Through their behav-
ior, leaders can facilitate discussion of problems and concerns and work
toward resolving confl ict by responding in a nonjudgmental and engag-
ing way. In so doing, they role model this behavior for employees. Having
the straight story and accurate information helps employees make better
decisions, take the initiative to assume responsibility, be more productive,
and make a strong contribution to the organization.
Individuals demonstrate a commitment to their relationships when they
express their true thoughts and feelings about each other in a timely and
appropriate manner. As one production worker on the shop floor of a
northeastern manufacturing plant exclaimed to another, “ If you ever get
teed off at me, I want you to tell me. I ’ m a big boy. I can handle it. ” Or as an
offi ce worker exclaimed in a one - on - one communication session, “ I don ’ t
know how to read you at times, and if I get upset with you, I shut up. That ’ s
not good. We need to talk things through with each other as they come up.
We need to build on the trust we have had and keep building on it! ”
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence146
Giving each other effective feedback contributes to developing and
maintaining trusting relationships that directly affect performance.
To give feedback effectively, we need to be willing to receive it in
return — nondefensively. When receiving feedback, we need to listen to
the intent of what people are saying rather than think of a comeback
or response. We need to make an effort to show genuine interest in
what we are hearing. Leaders support building this environment of
trust around feedback by giving and receiving it themselves consis-
tently.
In receiving constructive feedback, people may fi nd it diffi cult to trust
themselves and others. They may not trust the messenger because of their
low readiness to trust or because they are not convinced that the messen-
ger is genuinely interested in their well - being. (For example, their manager
tells everyone he has an open - door policy and that anything can be shared
in confi dence, but then takes punitive action against anyone who com-
plains about anything.) Another problem might be that instead of hearing
the issues presented, they cloud their perspective by consciously or uncon-
sciously revisiting their past or bringing up prior mistakes they have made.
They have diffi culty separating the past from the present, possibly because
they have unresolved issues.
Trust develops when people feel comfortable and safe enough to
share their perceptions regarding one another ’ s behavior without nega-
tive repercussions. They trust that they will not suffer the consequences
of retaliation because they spoke the truth.
Working constructively with feedback helps develop our readiness
and willingness to trust in ourselves and in others. From this perspec-
tive, feedback is a gift — to those giving it and to those receiving it.
Either way, when given with positive intentions and practiced skill, hon-
est feedback helps us grow and develop, and nurtures communication
trust.
Application Exercises
The following exercises are designed to develop, measure, and monitor
trust within your team. When practiced with conscious positive intent,
they create a foundation of psychological safety (trust) that will facilitate
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Team Confl ict Competence 147
Exhibit 5.1 The Reina Communication Trust Quiz™
HOW WELL DOES YOUR TEAM PRACTICE BEHAVIORS THAT BUILD TRUST?
TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO EVALUATE
LEGEND: 1 2 3 4 5
(1) Almost Never (AN) AN O ST F AA
(2) Occasionally (O)
(3) Some of the Time (ST)
(4) Frequently (F)
(5) Almost Always (AA)
1. Do we willingly share job-related information with one another that is pertinent to getting the job done?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
2. Do we openly and honestly tell the truth with each other?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
3. Do we openly admit and take responsibility for the mistakes we have made?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
(continued)
team members ’ ability to discuss and deal with confl ict issues as they
arise in the workplace.
Pretest/Post - Test: Team Communication Trust Quiz The Reina Team
Communication Trust Quiz is intended to facilitate dialogue within
a team. Refl ect on how you and your teammates practice each of the
behaviors that create communication trust. The quiz is presented as Ex-
hibit 5.1 . Rate each question on a scale of 1 – 5 (1 = low, 5 = high).
Note: This quiz was excerpted from the statistically valid and reliable
Reina Team Trust Scale ® . While the quiz is not the equivalent of this rig-
orously proven instrument, it will give you a starting point for dialogue
within your team.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence148
4. Do we give each other constructive feedback to help each other grow in our jobs?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
5. Do we speak our minds even when others disagree?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
6. Do we receive constructive feedback from each other without getting defensive?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
7. Do we appropriately maintain confi dential information?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
8. Are we able to bring up concerns and talk through issues with one another without fear of retribution?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
9. Do we gossip or participate in unfair criticism about other people?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
10. Do we speak directly to the person with whom we may have an issue or concern?
❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏
SCORING
Add up all your scores for the above questions to come up with your
score of the team.
The highest possible score is 50, and the lowest would be 10. The higher the
score, the greater you perceive your team practices trust-building behaviors,
and the greater the likelihood the team has effective working relationships.
Your team practices trust-building behaviors . . .
10 . . . Almost never. There is serious room for improvement!
11 to 19 . . . Occasionally, which damages trust within the team.
20 to 29 . . . Some of the time, which does not build sustainable trust.
30 to 39 . . . Frequently, and most likely has effective working
relationships.
40 to 50 . . . Almost always, and is probably viewed as a highly effective
team.
Source: Excerpted from the Reina Team Trust Scale® ©1995–2009 Dennis S. Reina, Ph.D., and Michelle L. Reina, Ph.D. The Reina Trust Building Institute, Inc. www.ReinaTrustBuilding.com.
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Team Confl ict Competence 149
One - on - One Team Communication Trust Meetings This exercise is
intended to facilitate communication trust within a group or team.
This process is effective in dealing with interpersonal issues that
impede communication and performance within a group. Construct a
matrix of all the participants in the group so that every person has an
opportunity to have a one - on - one meeting with everyone else. Set
up one - to two - hour meetings. (Refer to the communication matrix in
Exhibit 5.2 as a sample.)
Have participants speak candidly to one another about how they
interact and work together. You may use the following sentences to add
structure to the meeting. Have each person refl ect on these in preparation
for the meetings with each of their teammates.
What I appreciate about you is . . .
What works in our relationship is . . .
What doesn ’ t work in our relationship is . . .
What I need from you is . . .
Let ’ s brainstorm together ways in which we can work together
better.
This exercise works with groups as small as four individuals or as large
as twelve. For larger groups, you might want to divide the participants
into subgroups to expedite the process.
If there is low trust or antagonism within the group, it is advisable
to lead these sessions with a skilled facilitator who does not have a
relationship with any of the participants. It is important to conduct
the sessions in a confi ned time frame to achieve optimum results. We
strongly suggest that team members contract with one another before
the sessions start to keep these conversations confi dential. Establish
working agreements ahead of time to ensure the psychological safety
of the participants.
Team Reflection/Dialogue Exercise The following questions are
intended to facilitate dialogue as a team after conducting the one -
on - one Team Communication Trust Meetings. Refl ect on the following
•
•
•
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence150
behaviors that create communication trust. Share those thoughts with
your teammates. Notice the attitude and tenor of teammates toward
one another.
1. Share information. How willingly do you share information with
others? Do you receive the information you need? What happens to
your communication trust when you don ’ t? What can you do in the
future to share information at a high level and encourage others to
share with you?
Exhibit 5.2 Sample Matrix for Team Communication Meeting
Communication Matrix
Purpose: To facilitate the logistics of everyone participating in this communication exercise
Process:
Example: During the week of May 7–9, the following people talk with each other:
The participants will speak to each other in the prescribed rounds during the following weeks:
Participants: 1. Harry 2. Maria 3. Carlos 4. Lee
5. Rachel 6. Jackson 7. Joanne
Participants:
May 7–9 May 12–16 May 19 –23 May 26 –30
1 and 7
2 and 6
3 and 5
1
1 and 6
2 and 5
3 and 4
2
1 and 5
2 and 4
7 and 6
3Rounds
1 and 4
2 and 3
7 and 5
4
1 and 3
6 and 5
7 and 4
5
1 and 2
6 and 4
7 and 3
6
2 and 7
6 and 3
5 and 4
7
Harry and Joanne Maria and Jackson Carlos and Rachel
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Team Confl ict Competence 151
2. Tell the truth. Do others tell you the truth? What happens to your
level of trust when you question the truthfulness of others? What can
you do to encourage more truth telling both by you and by others?
3. Admit mistakes. Are you willing to admit your mistakes? What
happens when you do admit mistakes? What do you do when
others admit their mistakes? What can you do to support the
admission of mistakes within your organization?
4. Give and receive constructive feedback. How do giving and
receiving constructive feedback contribute to communication trust
in your organization? What can you do in the future to encourage
constructive feedback?
5. Maintain confi dentiality. How do you decide what to share and
what to hold back? How do you balance this behavior with the
need to share information?
6. Speak with good purpose. How do people speak of each other in
your organization? Do they speak respectfully of others, or is there
a lot of gossiping and backbiting? What can you do to promote
speaking with good purpose in your organization?
TRUST NOTE
Trust infl uences communication, and communication infl uences trust. The
two are very closely related. Leaders who readily and consistently share infor-
mation and involve employees in the running of the business not only build
trust within the organization but also boost productivity and profi tability.
TRUST TIP
When we gossip, criticize, and shun others, we destroy trust between
individuals, within a team, and throughout an organization. The
consequences are devastating to relationships, morale, and performance.
Conversely, when we speak with good purpose, speak constructively and
affi rmatively, and stand up for each other, we build trust, strengthen
relationships, boost morale, and improve performance.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence152
Trust Norms
During a presentation about team confl ict competence, Tim and I were discuss-
ing the importance of developing norms around the various elements of creating
the right climate. When we came to trust, one of the participants said, “ You can ’ t
legislate trust. ” He was right!
Trust is something that has to be built and maintained. At the same time, it
is important to recognize its importance, and we believe that this can be a part of
a team agreement. It might look like, “ Trust plays a crucial role in enabling our
team to openly and honestly discuss issues. We work on building trust among team
members. ”
Perhaps more important would be the inclusion of norms about how to handle
breaches of trust. They could include something like, “ When trust is betrayed
among team members, it becomes more challenging to talk about diffi cult issues.
Therefore, we agree not to use what one of our team members has said against
them either inside or outside of the team. If we have a problem with what some-
one said, we will talk directly to that person about it. If someone hears a colleague
talking behind another team member ’ s back or using what they have said against
that person, they will approach the colleague about it. This applies to the team
leader and all team members. ”
The team norms could also address how to rebuild trust after breaches. They
might say, “ If there has been a breach of trust, team members will discuss the mat-
ter and work on rebuilding trust among the team members. They will also talk
about how to prevent the problem in the future. ”
Once norms are established, they need to be periodically reviewed, and they
should be shared with new members as they join the team.
Collaboration (Behavioral Integration)
When team members work together collaboratively, they not only increase their
chances of success, they also build a sense of “ teamness ” that can help them deal
with confl ict more effectively. Researchers describe this process of mutual and
collaborative interaction as “ behavioral integration. ” Behavioral integration consists
of three key elements, including high degrees of information sharing, collabora-
tive behavior, and collective decision making (Hambrick, 1998). It has been shown
to improve decision - making quality and to improve a team ’ s ability to deal with
confl ict (Carmeli and Schaubroeck, 2006; Mooney, Holahan, and Amason, 2007).
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Team Confl ict Competence 153
When team members know teammates well and feel that the group is truly work-
ing together toward a common goal, they can give others the benefi t of a doubt
when confl icts emerge. While differences may occur, they remain confi dent that
everyone has the team ’ s best interests in mind, rather than just their own.
So how does a team become more behaviorally integrated? We recommend
starting by helping the team get a sense of its current level of “ teamness. ” We ask
the team questions like:
1. How well is information shared among team members? There are a number
of components of this inquiry. Does the team leader share information with all
members of the team? Is information shared with members of subgroups but not
with everyone? Are some people purposely kept out of the loop?
In behaviorally integrated teams, information is shared widely. All team members
are kept in the know. This heightens trust and enables everyone to participate on
an equal information footing when important issues are discussed. If information
is not shared, cliques can form and suspicions can be raised.
To improve behavioral integration, the team should adopt a norm that encourages
processes that ensure that team members are brought up to date on new informa-
tion and that efforts are made to keep everyone in the loop on key information.
When in doubt, assume that the information should be shared.
2. Does the team discuss issues in depth? Is input sought from all members
of the team on common issues? Collaborative decision making is a hallmark of a
behaviorally integrated team. Team leaders should make efforts to get everyone ’ s
input on key issues. This can be difficult especially when some members are
introverted or shy away from confl ict. It may require individual discussions or
even asking for comments in written form.
When one asks for input, it is certainly possible to encounter confl ict because
people can have differing opinions. Yet, as long as communications can be
kept constructive, these kinds of differences can lead to helpful debate and bet-
ter - quality decisions. Seeking input does not mean that the team leader has to
abrogate decision - making responsibility. Rather, the leader needs to get team
members involved in thinking issues through and working toward consensus.
In terms of norms, a team should look at its decision - making processes and
incorporate methods for ensuring input from all team members. The norms
should also encourage respect for differing opinions, even when there may not
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence154
be agreement on the substance of them. When people feel that they have the
opportunity to present their opinions and have them heard by their teammates,
they are more likely to go along with whatever fi nal decision is made.
3. Do team members work interdependently with one another? The essence of
behaviorally integrated teams is that people work together and feel that they are
“ in this together. ” If team members have little interaction with one another and
operate independently from one another, there is a risk that when confl ict arises
they will not have confi dence that they will be able to work through it. When they
work closely with one another, they get to know one another better and can see
that they are working toward a common end. This may be why teams with high
levels of behavioral integration can outperform other teams with technically more
talented members who lack a sense of togetherness. It is also why “ All - Star ” teams
often fall short of their potential.
We also have teams look at other elements that can contribute to behavioral
integration such as team identity, team makeup, and reward structures. Something
as simple as giving a team a name can help create a sense of identity. If this were
the only step, it would fall short, but it can be a helpful addition. Teams need grad-
ual turnover to keep things fresh, but if done too frequently or rapidly it could
disturb the cohesion that has developed. When reinforcing performance, there
should be an emphasis on collective rewards and celebration rather than a focus
on the individual. If more emphasis is put on individual performance and rewards,
people may feel suspicious of others ’ motives when conflicts arise, and this
can complicate their resolution.
When developing norms related to behavioral integration, teams should
emphasize that team success is of paramount importance. Specifi c norms sup-
port this premise and emphasize information sharing, working together collab-
oratively, making decisions together by seeking everyone ’ s input, and sharing both
responsibilities and rewards. When confl icts emerge, team members agree to share
information with one another (and not withhold important points), listen carefully
and respectfully to everyone ’ s input, and make decisions that are in the best inter-
ests of the team and that also try to reconcile the interests of the team members.
We talked with Professor Ann Mooney, from Stevens Institute of Technology,
whose research includes the fi eld of behavioral integration. According to Professor
Mooney, one of the key benefits of behavioral integration to team conflicts
involves improved attitudes toward one another among team members. When people
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Team Confl ict Competence 155
recognize through experience that the other members of their team indeed have
the interests of the team ahead of their own personal interests, then they ’ re willing
to give the others the benefi t of the doubt when confl ict arises (Craig, conversation
with Ann Mooney, May 19, 2009). They ’ re willing to put aside suspicions and nega-
tive attributions more easily. This, in turn, leads to more willingness to listen to the
other person, understand where he or she is coming from, and collaborate to fi nd
solutions to the problems.
In virtual team settings, behavioral integration becomes even more important
because the opportunities to speak face to face are fewer. It often requires more
work on the front end to develop norms for how the team will work together in
virtual team settings. In particular, teams need to develop norms around com-
munications processes that enhance their ability to share information and work
more closely together to build behavioral integration.
Teams can enhance their behavioral integration by promoting open exchange and
developing norms that enable all members to participate equally — ensuring equal
airtime. This includes making sure that leaders don ’ t assert too much authority
or presence in meetings in which joint decision making is the goal. Sometimes the
use of external facilitators can help in this process (Craig, conversation with Ann
Mooney, May 19, 2009).
Emotional Intelligence and Team Confl ict
In Chapter Three we discussed the importance of being able to regulate emo-
tions in the context of individual confl ict competence. Emotional intelligence
also plays a crucial role in team confl ict competence. Emotions affect individ-
ual members of a team and can spread to other members as well. The term
emotional contagion describes the phenomenon in which the feelings of one
person can be “ caught ” by others. One part of our brain called mirror neurons
enables us to read other people and feel similar kinds of emotions (Hotz, 2007).
This happens automatically and typically occurs outside our normal awareness
(Goleman, 2003).
Emotional intelligence in teams includes the components of individual emo-
tional intelligence plus norms that help govern the social interactions of the team
(Rapisarda, 2002). It also helps reinforce other aspects of the right climate, includ-
ing trust and behavioral integration (Rapisarda, 2002; Prati and others, 2003).
When people are able to regulate their emotions in team settings, they can prevent
outbursts that lead to suspicions and divisiveness.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence156
We particularly like the work of Marcia Hughes and James Terrell in this fi eld.
Their book, The Emotionally Intelligent Team (Hughes and Terrell, 2007), describes
a number of elements or skills that are important for developing emotional and
social intelligence in teams. These include:
Developing a team identity : Having a common purpose, commitment, and
pride in the team
Motivation : Creating and harnessing the drive that enables teams to execute
Emotional awareness : Ability to read one another and respond to how others
feel
Communications : Being able to talk and listen effectively to one another
Stress tolerance : Building strong relationships to overcome challenges
Confl ict resolution : Developing capabilities to address the inevitable confl icts
that teams face
Positive mood : Cultivating happiness about today and optimism about
tomorrow — encourages a can - do attitude, curiosity, and hopefulness
Marcia and James have developed an assessment instrument called the Team
Emotional and Social Intelligence ® Survey (TESI ® ) that measures these seven areas
and provides valuable insights to teams about their current strengths and areas for
improvement. We are happy that Marcia was able to provide the following story
and tips that help illustrate the signifi cance of team emotional intelligence.
USING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TO RESOLVE TEAM CONFLICT
A woman I ’ ll call Sandra became the team leader and member of the
senior team at a nonprofi t foundation. Sandra is accomplished and com-
mitted to doing her work well. She is inclined to be task oriented and
reserved; Sandra loves to analyze, strategize, and make good plans.
These skills have served her well in the past, and she has repeatedly been
successful. However, she walked into a Trouble Team, truly with a capital T,
when she took on her new role heading this team. The organization was
only a decade old, and at the beginning all staff had had a fairly strong
role in making hiring and policy decisions. That changed over time, and
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Team Confl ict Competence 157
the staff is asked to fulfi ll their team roles but they no longer have a
role in top decisions. This loss of power caused considerable resentment
among the people who have been involved from the beginning, and they
willingly spread that resentment to any new hires. The team had man-
aged to get their last two leaders fi red, and Sandra could see that they
were aiming for her to be the next one on the fi ring block.
It was time for intervention, so we were brought in to work with
the CEO, Sandra, and the team. We had every team member take two
assessments at the beginning, the EQ - I, an individual measure of emo-
tional intelligence skills, and the Team Emotional and Social Intelli-
gence ® Survey (TESI ® ). The results provided good data to support the
intervention. We created the TESI at Collaborative Growth in order to
help teams self - assess and understand how well they function in seven
behaviors required for team success: team identity, motivation, emo-
tional awareness, communication, stress tolerance, confl ict resolution,
and positive mood.
We worked to open the team members ’ eyes so they would recog-
nize the costs of their confl ict and revise their engagement. This team ’ s
function is to help give away money to excellent causes and support the
recipients in using the money successfully. Thus they have strong motiva-
tion to do a good job. The team members were feeling many emotions:
passion for their work, love for their clients, jealousy that they had lost
some of their job functions, and annoyed and resentful that a new team
leader was coming in when many of them had been there from the start.
This manifested in gossip and an overall negative spirit.
Sandra was a good match for the team with her intellect, connections,
and organizational skills. However, her reserve and straightforward
intellectual approach alienated many team members who thought
focusing on the human side was most important. As a result, she was
accused of favoritism; team members kept information from her and
just weren ’ t good team players. She was quickly on her way to her fi rst
career failure.
The team ’ s TESI report showed they were very strong in positive mood
and motivation, and they were struggling with emotional awareness and
confl ict resolution. They decided to start building their skills by using
their strengths to guide their interactions. Taking time to stop and be
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence158
grateful for their great jobs and the tremendous results they help facili-
tate opened the door to fi nding the fl exibility to shift their behavior and
expand their skills in other areas. They took time naming all that they
appreciate and then moved on to developing their emotional awareness,
one of their challenged skills. They knew expanding their skills in being
aware of one another and intending to be sensitive and responsive would
provide a good foundation for being able to resolve confl ict better.
They worked on building their demonstration of emotional awareness in
several ways. One was to drop notes in a community bowl throughout the
week whenever they saw someone doing something well. Sandra then
pulled the notes out and read them at the beginning of the weekly
team meeting. This concrete positive engagement changed the tenor of
their meetings, creating a much more open environment that supported
creative problem solving. It diminished the confl ict and helped the team
resolve disagreements more readily when they did arise.
Another key contribution to the team ’ s progress is that Sandra
realized she needed to change her limited and moderate engagement
with the staff if they were to connect with her and build trust. She prac-
ticed using this formula several times a day: “ I feel ___ because ___. ” For
example, Sandra might say, “ I feel worried because our grantees are
so stressed in this economy. And therefore, we need to take on more
support roles. ” The difference in using both sentences instead of just
telling the team to take on more jobs was equivalent to the difference
between night and day. When they heard that she cared, they knew they
were sharing a common purpose. They immediately began to creatively
fi nd ways to provide that additional support.
After several months of committed work, telling the truth to one
another, and everyone taking responsibility for his or her engagement in
the team, the team made substantial progress. They took the TESI again,
and we ran a pre/post comparison of their results. Every area showed sig-
nifi cant progress, which motivated the team to keep up their good work.
Practice Tips and Information
Good data from the team members themselves helps them quickly
take an honest look at what is happening. Excellent assessments
to use are the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le, www.confl ictdynamics.org ,
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Team Confl ict Competence 159
and the Team Emotional and Social Intelligence ® Survey (TESI ® ),
www.EITeams.com . The individual measurement of emotional
intelligence through the EQi ® adds in strong additional data,
www.mhsassessments.com .
Plan on conducting pre - and post - analysis with the team so they
know their progress will be measured. It builds motivation and
accountability.
Emotional and social intelligence is data — trying to operate
without taking advantage of that potent information hurts success
and sustainability of any results accomplished. The root word for
emotions and for motivation is the same Latin word — emovare — and
it means “ to move. ” To resolve confl ict, teams must know how
they are feeling and why at the individual and at the team levels
if they are to get to the root cause and effectively fi nd the way to
move forward. When they do move, they are successfully using their
emotional data along with the other data and are on their way to
sustainable results.
Norms and Team Emotional Intelligence
Organizations usually ignore emotional aspects of confl ict. It is as though they
have a large sign on the front door that reads, “ Leave your emotions outside. ”
Of course, people don ’ t leave their feelings outside, and when confl ict emerges
so do their emotions. Unless teams have spent time talking about how they want
to address emotions as they arise, they will be unprepared to deal with the conse-
quences. We believe that team agreements should expressly address how the team
wants to deal with emotions. An agreement could include some of the following:
Expressed acknowledgment that team members will experience emotions
around confl ict and that this is normal
Recognition that suppressing or hiding emotions does not work well, because
they will fester and usually come out later in harmful ways
Appreciation that emotions convey important information about conflict,
including the degree to which people care about certain issues
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence160
Learning to regulate emotions so that individuals do not act when they are in
the grip of negative emotions
The right to call a time - out to let things cool down before proceeding
Encouragement to share their thoughts and feelings about confl ict issues and
to listen for the thoughts and feelings of others
Creating and maintaining a positive mood in the team as a helpful antidote to
negative emotions when they arise
An interesting norming application related to group emotions can be
found in the works of Buddhist monk and author, Thich Nhat Hanh. During a
conversation with Fred Eppsteiner of the Florida Community of Mindfulness, Fred
mentioned Thich ’ s Peace Treaty, which was originally used to help manage con-
fl icts in monastic settings (Thich, 1992, 2002). In this agreement (or set of norms),
people are encouraged to not suppress anger and at the same time refrain from
acting on it until there is a chance to talk with the other person in the confl ict.
There is a call for using mindfulness techniques like those described in Chapter
Three and self - reflection to recognize one ’ s own contribution to the conflict.
This is then followed by apologies where appropriate and conversation about the
confl ict when emotions have suffi ciently cooled. Although the principles men-
tioned in the Peace Treaty were developed for monastic settings, we fi nd that they
are adaptable to workplace settings.
CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION
The components of constructive engagement we discussed in detail in Chapter
Four are applicable and useful in both individual and team confl ict situations.
However, when focusing exclusively on team confl ict, we emphasize some of the
constructive communication behaviors in a different way than when we focus
exclusively on individual confl icts.
Most obviously, in team confl ict the number of perspectives grows with each
additional member on the team. In addition, the complexity of relationships
skyrockets on teams. For instance, the way two people interact when alone may
be very different from the way they interact when they are around teammates
or other people. The relationship between every pair of teammates becomes
a study in complexity depending on which other teammates are around. Add a
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Team Confl ict Competence 161
vast diversity of situations and context to the mix, and soon you have a recipe for
an extraordinarily complex soup!
In our model illustrating the components of building confl ict competent teams
(Figure 5.1 ), we identify fi ve discrete aspects of constructive communications:
1. Refl ective thinking and delayed responding
2. Listening for understanding
3. Perspective taking
4. Expressing emotions
5. Techniques for staying on track
In our model illustrating the behavioral components of engaging construc-
tively (see Figure 5.2 ) we identify four discrete behavioral categories:
1. Reaching out or initiating contact
2. Perspective taking and listening for understanding
3. Expressing thoughts, emotions, and interests
4. Searching for collaborative solutions
There ’ s no surprise that there is signifi cant overlap across these components.
The differences are illustrative of the nuances of addressing confl ict between
two people versus conflict among team members. For instance, the use of
techniques for staying on track is much more compatible with teams than for
individuals.
We shall briefl y review each behavioral component of constructive communi-
cation covered in Chapter Four as it applies to team confl ict. Later in the chapter, we
provide a comprehensive description of techniques teams can use to stay on track.
In all cases, the focus is on how to best utilize these approaches and behaviors in a
team context.
Reaching Out or Initiating Contact
Reaching out involves an overt attempt to begin or resume communications with
a team member once a confl ict has arisen. It includes the intent to repair emo-
tional damage caused during the confl ict. It may also include an apology, taking
responsibility, or making amends.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence162
The act of reaching out in a team may carry even more weight than when
used between two individuals. This is especially true when the act of reaching out
occurs in the presence of the whole team. Once a confl ict has occurred on a team,
every member of the team is affected, not just those directly involved. In the same
way, when a team member reaches out effectively, there is a clear impact on every
team member. Sometimes one person ’ s acknowledgment of the issue or issuance
of an apology is all it takes to initiate a veritable avalanche of similar sentiments
from other team members.
Our colleague, Dan Dana, suggests an effective process for reaching out. When
confl ict has turned dysfunctional and people stop talking, Dan recommends set-
ting up a time to hold a meeting to talk about how to resolve the confl ict. This
sounds easy enough, but it can be tricky. This is where having a framework can be
helpful.
Figure 5.2 Engage Constructively Model
Reaching Out
Collaborating to Create Solutions
Perspective Taking and
Listening for Understanding
Sharing Your Thoughts
and Feelings
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Team Confl ict Competence 163
Setting up a meeting consists of several steps. These include getting the other
person ’ s attention, identifying the issue that you want to talk about, asking the
other person to join you in talking about the problem, addressing any objections
they may have to talking, setting a time and place for having the meeting, and
agreeing to some ground rules for the session.
Identifying the issue entails creating an unbiased, objective, specifi c, resolvable,
and concise statement that can be shared with the other person. When people
articulate effective issue statements, their efforts to reach out are greatly enhanced.
The components of such a statement are as follows:
Unbiased statements are impartial to both parties and objective ones refrain
from blaming either person. Once people have cooled down suffi ciently, they
are usually able to craft unbiased, objective statements of the issue, although
it can be diffi cult to present them in an unbiased and objective manner.
Specific statements with clear language are critical. People seem to have
difficulty actually describing the problem in terms that the other person
understands. The circumstances typically contribute to this challenge. People
have stopped talking because they are upset with one another and generally
blame the other person for the diffi culties they are experiencing.
Resolvable relates to issues that people have the authority to fi x by themselves.
If the problem is one that the parties cannot resolve on their own, the partici-
pants may need to reach out to a third party for help.
Concise statements are brief ones that address the other elements. One risk
of having a long statement is that it can get into so many facts that it makes
people want to start arguing about the confl ict at a time when they are just try-
ing to set up a later time to talk.
While the elements of an effective issue statement are easy to understand, they
can be quite diffi cult to master. When we work with people on reaching out, we
frequently have them create and test out issue statements. We present Dan ’ s model
and then use sample confl ict scenarios to allow the participants to practice. The
steps we use include:
1. Choose a sample conflict scenario. We suggest that you work with your
client to develop sample situations. This is particularly helpful when
your client feels that their workplace has unique challenges.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence164
2. Have everyone in the small groups start by developing their own issue statement
related to the common confl ict scenario, emphasizing that it exhibit the
fi ve characteristics: unbiased, objective, specifi c, ability to be resolved by
the parties, and concise.
3. Ask the participants in each group to share their individual statements. The
group then picks one statement to use as its starting point. From there
the group works collaboratively to improve the statement, again checking it
against the fi ve qualities.
4. Once all the groups are fi nished, have each one present its statement and
write it down on a fl ip chart so that they are visible to everyone. The whole
group comments on the effective aspects of each statement. Afterward the
whole group makes suggestions about how the various issue statements
could be improved.
5. Repeat the process for a second time using a different confl ict scenario. You
should fi nd that all of the groups do a much better job of creating issue
statements the second time around.
If participants are able to develop effective issue statements, they usually get
better responses from their confl ict partners. People involved do not feel attacked
or blamed. They may still have objections, but they will be less likely to feel
attacked.
A good issue statement does not guarantee success, though. The other parties
may still harbor negative emotions about the confl ict and may blame the person
who is reaching out. The prospect of rejection is one of the challenges of reaching
out. If you experience rejection, we suggest trying again. This involves addressing
objections to talking and continuing to try to “ make the sale ” of going forward
with a meeting to try to work things out. This includes acknowledging the other
person ’ s objection, showing why going ahead with a meeting would benefi t both
parties, and making the request again.
Perspective Taking and Listening for Understanding
Perspective taking and listening for understanding are very simply the most criti-
cal behaviors for handling confl ict competently. The descriptions and suggestions
made in Chapter Four are very useful for addressing confl ict on teams. Again,
because the sheer number of possible perspectives rises dramatically with the
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Team Confl ict Competence 165
number of team members involved, so too does the potential for more complexity
and confusion. But with more perspectives also comes the potential for a greater
variety of solutions.
We often use synergy or consensus - seeking exercises in our workshops or inter-
ventions with teams. The purpose of these exercises is to demonstrate the power of
collaborative problem solving. Tim has created an exercise specifi cally for use with
teams experiencing confl ict titled “ Last Gasp Gorge . ” Others are available in the
public domain or for purchase through a variety of vendors. (See the Resources
section for suggestions.) Each challenges participants to consider a list of items
or steps and place them in a rank order based on a level of importance or the
sequence necessary to address a particular issue or challenge. Next, the participants
form groups and try to reach a consensus rank order for the same items. The
debriefi ng discussion upon completion highlights the ways the team interacted
with specifi c focus on the use of constructive and destructive behaviors.
When we wish to emphasize perspective taking or listening for understanding
during these exercises, we closely monitor the way groups elect to share informa-
tion or use processes to guide their interaction. For instance, when teams simply
agree on processes that focus on the ranked items ( “ Let ’ s agree on the top three
first, then go to the bottom three, and finish by focusing on the items in the
middle ” ), they often produce an orderly, polite discussion and seemingly agree-
able solution. However, when teams decide on a process that invites each person
to share their rationale for approaching the challenge as a fi rst step, perspective
taking is immediately enhanced. The resulting discussion is often more animated
and deep. Participants appreciate being heard. More possibilities are debated. And
in many instances, the fi nal decision is described as a commitment, not just an
answer.
In cases where you wish to provide practice at perspective taking, include
the presentation of each person ’ s rationale in your directions to the team. Then
include specifi c questions during the facilitated debriefi ng discussion upon the
conclusion of the exercise. Some sample questions:
How did the presentation of each person ’ s rationale in the very beginning
infl uence the nature of your decision - making process?
What was your reaction to the variety of rationales and perspectives?
When there were differences of opinion or approach, how did the group proceed?
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence166
Did you change your mind during the exercise? Why? What caused you to
change?
What learning can you apply from this exercise when diffi cult challenges or
confl icting views arise on your team?
In our estimation, there is virtually no limit to the amount of practice one can
provide to teams for perspective taking. Time after time, teams that demonstrate
effective listening for understanding and perspective taking are the teams that fi nd
the greatest value in the natural confl icts they encounter.
Expressing Emotions, Thoughts, and Interests
One way to think about the effective expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests
on a team is to imagine a continuum of behaviors (see Figure 5.3 ). On one end is
displaying anger and winning at all costs. A team member behaving like this is re-
lentless in trying to get his or her own way. He may raise his voice, be prone to angry
outbursts, swear, and threaten. On the other end is avoiding and hiding emotions.
A person behaving this way withdraws or yields. He may become silent or detached
during the confl ict discussion. Sometimes she simply nods in veiled agreement just
to put an end to the confl ict. In between these extremes is expressing emotions,
thoughts, and feelings effectively. The key to effectiveness is in the expressing.
We often describe this behavior as open, honest communication. While this
may seem much too simple a defi nition, for many individuals it is anything but
simple to accomplish in the midst of a confl ict on a team. When team members
are skilled at expressing their emotions, thoughts, and interests effectively, the
discussions of confl icting ideas and issues can become spirited without resulting
in hurt feelings. However, when dealing with diffi cult issues, many of us often
hide our true feelings from our teammates. Unfortunately, this can lead to unex-
pected surges of emotion in the form of lashing out, shutting down, or demeaning
others. Before we know it, the entire team is at one end of the continuum or
the other, demoralized in silence or embroiled in argument. At either extreme, the
confl ict is left unresolved and the team climate is at least temporarily in shambles.
A far better choice is for team members to develop skills to effectively express their
emotions, thoughts, and interests.
One common suggestion we make to teams involves legitimizing such expres-
sions when confl ict arises. In other words, we encourage teams to discuss how they
will handle confl ict as they establish team agreements or norms. Unfortunately,
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Team Confl ict Competence 167
our experience is that most teams do not have these kinds of process and expecta-
tion discussions early enough in their existence. So when confl ict does occur, they
are often ill equipped to handle it.
In the section “ Getting and Staying on Track ” later in the chapter, we present a
variety of exercises and activities that lend themselves to competency in sharing
emotions, thoughts, and interests. As good as these are, exercises and processes are
just vehicles for expression. The key to being able to express thoughts, emotions,
and interests is that the trust level on the team supports and enables it. Only when
the right climate exists can team members be expected to willingly express them-
selves in ways that may make them vulnerable.
Common Vocabulary Aids Dialogue In addition to trust, a common frame of reference for discussing confl ict helps. Mark Nevins, a consultant and coach
in New York, shares his experience using the CDP instrument as a means for
promoting dialogue.
Our work with executive and senior teams usually goes well beyond
typical “ team - building events. ” We approach team building not sim-
ply as a time - out to talk about and fi ne - tune interpersonal dynamics
(though those do matter), but as a holistic opportunity to improve the
team ’ s overall alignment among its members and in the context of its
specifi c near - term business goals as well as its longer - term mission and
Figure 5.3 Continuum of Behaviors
Displaying Anger and Winning at All Costs
Expressing Emotions, Thoughts,
and Feelings
Avoiding and Hiding
Emotions
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence168
purpose. We see the team as the fundamental social unit of any organi-
zation. Ironically, however, most of the investment (time and money) in
organizations is spent on individual development (executive education
and coaching) or organizational initiatives (transformation projects and
large - scale change efforts). Meanwhile, teams are by and large left to
fend for themselves. Many team leaders don ’ t know where to start when
it comes to team development, and most “ off-sites ” are topic - driven
meetings with a smattering of “ team - building exercises ” rather than
conscious objective - driven collective investments in taking performance
to the next level.
Most of our team alignment engagements take place via a series
of team activities over the course of six to nine months, in situations
when a new leader is on - boarding, when some significant change
( organizational or strategic) has taken place, or when a team decides
it has reached a sticking point or state of inertia that it needs to push
through. Team alignment sessions challenge teams to take a close look
at where they are, where they need to go, and how they can best get
there. The teams discover if they share the same priorities; they assess
their current state, for good and for bad; they create tangible action
plans to improve performance; and they make meaningful commit-
ments to critical issues, including better focus on execution, improving
decision making, a more disciplined development of talent, and more
effective communication and collaboration with stakeholders.
In the context of our work with teams, we have found the CDP a
powerful tool not just for improving confl ict resolution but also for en-
hancing fundamental team functionality. Used as part of a team align-
ment program, the CDP can create self - awareness and openness that
foster a more productive working - through of the issues at hand. But we
also encourage the participants to use the CDP feedback to think more
broadly about improving their ability to foster more effective dialogue.
We believe that the ability to foster dialogue is one of the most criti-
cal skills for any leader or manager. However, this skill is not effectively
taught in universities or business schools and rarely gets meaningful at-
tention in executive development programs. An unwillingness or inabil-
ity to foster dialogue — and, in turn, to engage the necessary range of
stakeholders, effect collaboration, and make people feel as if they are
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Team Confl ict Competence 169
partners — is a signifi cant “ derailer ” for many executives. Indeed, if one
examines the careers of leaders who have failed, often it was an insuffi -
cient degree of dialogue that led to their downfall. This lack of dialogue
manifests itself as not appreciating the needs of constituents; failing to
see the broader strategic landscape; shutting down critical feedback or
input; mistaking collaboration opportunities for competition; and pro-
jecting a hubristic persona of not needing others in order to succeed.
We use the CDP (either CDP - I or CDP - 360, depending on the situation
and development objectives) as a means to engage leaders and team
members in the arts of asking questions, listening, and building rela-
tionships. While there are many models and theories about what makes
teams effective, all of them have in common the fact that good teams
have open and honest communication, and good leaders (and followers)
seek continually to improve the level and quality of dialogue with those
around them.
Searching for Collaborative Outcomes
The essence of effective teamwork is displayed when teams tackle tough problems
together. When teams apply to their confl icts the same problem - solving skills and
processes they use to deal with their work - related challenges, collaborative out-
comes are not only possible but expected. Unfortunately, many obstacles appear
when teams experience confl ict. The application of even the greatest problem -
solving processes and skills too early in the process is almost always a recipe for
failure. That ’ s why searching for collaborative outcomes appears as the fi nal part of
our model. Teams must be fully prepared, having addressed many of the potential
obstacles before beginning their search.
As we described in Chapter Four , we suggest that searching for collaborative
outcomes is made up of three discrete but interrelated components. These include
adapting, refl ective thinking, and creating solutions. These focus primarily on
the approaches and skills utilized by each team member. (The suggested exercises
and activities in Chapter Four can all be used with teams. In fact, the Four - Letter
Words Exercise is best used with teams and is one of our favorites for working on
this competency with teams.)
When assessing a team ’ s readiness for searching for collaborative outcomes,
consider the following questions. The more “ yesses, ” the better.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence170
1. Do team members think of confl ict as an inevitable part of being a team?
2. Are team members willing to consider a wide variety of approaches to
problem solving?
3. Does the team welcome change?
4. Do team members demonstrate an awareness of the reactions of others?
5. Are team members cognizant of both the immediate and longer-term
impact of confl ict?
6. Do team members show an affi nity for considering many alternatives?
7. Does the team regularly create multiple possible solutions to problems
rather than fi nding the one best solution?
8. Do team members engage in open, honest debate of issues?
9. Once several possibilities are established, can the team objectively analyze
each possibility?
10. Do team members willingly “ put themselves out there ” when discussing
issues and problems?
One of the true tests of “ teamness ” is the team ’ s ability to reach critical deci-
sions in ways that not only result in good outcomes but provide a sense of sat-
isfaction for the team members. In today ’ s world full of ambiguous situations,
impossible deadlines, complex issues, and ever - expanding technologies, teams
must more than ever be comfortable with disagreement and confl ict. At the end
of the day, we advise teams to evaluate their performance not just on the “ what ”
or the outcome, but also on the “ how ” or the ways in which they interacted to fi nd
collaborative solutions.
Expanding Participation Leads to Better Outcomes When more people are involved in the search for solutions, creativity can be enhanced. When
people feel involved and empowered, they are more willing to participate in
implementation of decisions. The process can also reduce destructive confl icts
that occur when people feel decisions on which they had no input are being
forced on them.
Amanda Pace, an ombuds working in Atlanta, illustrates this point in
her story.
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Team Confl ict Competence 171
It involves a department that was being restructured. Traditionally,
decisions had been made by managers with very little input from
employees. This approach had caused conflicts and made employees
feel undervalued. So this time around, efforts were made to enable
employees to take responsibility for aspects of the restructuring. In
particular, team associates:
1. Defi ned the ground rules and procedures for their meetings
2. Outlined the process to get others ’ views of their ideas and
suggestions
3. Sought to gain early approval from the more outspoken
associates before presenting their fi nal work to the department
as a whole
Inside each team, the focus was on hearing each person ’ s point of
view and generating alternatives when agreement was an issue. All
ideas and suggestions would have to be linked to the vision and goals.
This approach helped to minimize confl ict. Brainstorming sessions were
held as well to build on a particular concept or idea. This allowed for
every idea and suggestion to be explored, and no one person felt they
were not being heard. Because the foundation of this department rests
on “ good communication skills, ” the associates used those skills to avoid
personal attacks or judging each other as they offered ideas. People
listened to each other with a high level of cooperation. Being part
of the decision - making process gave the associates a level of engage-
ment in the work and cooperation that propelled the work forward.
The result of the work done by the teams contributed to a successful
restructuring.
GETTING AND STAYING ON TRACK
The tools and techniques we review in this section represent a sampling of some
of our favorites. We review them in a sequence related to the time they may be
most useful. As discussed, we see confl ict as an unfolding process that includes
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence172
before, during, and after stages. The lines between each stage are admittedly
rather blurry. Nevertheless, as we review each tool, we believe you ’ ll see the
progression and come to appreciate the unfolding nature of team confl ict.
Before Confl ict
The fi rst three tools we describe are associated with “ before confl ict begins ” or
“ as it is just beginning. ” In our experience, most teams never discuss in advance
how they will handle confl ict. In some ways this is surprising, as nearly everyone
agrees that confl ict is inevitable. Why not prepare for it? Perhaps the most com-
mon method for dealing with confl ict is avoidance. Failing to create agreements or
set norms for dealing with confl ict is just another expression of our avoidance.
Teams that do take the time to establish norms or team agreements, especially
early in their existence, are much better positioned for meeting the inevitable con-
fl icts that emerge. We hope the following tools help you and your team take some
proactive steps.
Reaching Team Agreements We responded to a request from the executive team of a medical billing fi rm for “ a day or two of team building. ” After a series
of discussions, it became apparent that “ team building ” was code for “ We need to
learn to talk with each other when the stakes are high and we don ’ t agree. ” Team
members knew they needed help, but they didn ’ t know what kind. A major portion
of our intervention involved a review of the team ’ s mission, key priorities, and
agreements. The team was quite articulate about their mission and purpose. They
were in almost complete agreement. Key priorities were equally clear and under-
stood. When we asked about team agreements, it ’ s fair to say that team members ’
faces went blank. It had simply never occurred to them that a discussion about
standards of conduct, interaction, and behavior was needed. The process we used
with this team to establish a set of team agreements is one we ’ ve used with great
success. It ’ s simple, thorough, and “ tailorable ” to fi t almost any team ’ s needs.
THE EIGHT - STEP METHOD FOR TEAM AGREEMENTS
Step 1: Review the Team ’ s Mission and Context
Ask the team to gather or create written statements regarding the
team ’ s charter, mission, and priorities.
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Team Confl ict Competence 173
Seek mission, charter, and priorities information from the team ’ s
sponsor and/or customers.
Share, discuss, and clarify all information with the team.
Note: This step may not take long, especially if there is general agree-
ment among team members. It is, however, a mistake to assume shared,
clear understanding of mission and priorities.
Step 2: Discuss the Desired Climate
Ask team members to independently create “ wish lists ” consisting
of words and phrases that describe the nature of the interactions
they ’ d like to experience on the team.
Ask team members to share their lists while one team member
records the words and phrases publicly using a fl ip chart or computer
with the screen projected and visible to all.
If necessary, clarify the “ why ” behind descriptions that seem
misunderstood or unclear.
Encourage the team to create a comprehensive list.
Note: Sometimes we ask team members to comment on their most
satisfying experiences on other teams. If the team has diffi culty or seems
reluctant to share, it can be helpful to ask for examples of the most suc-
cessful teams they ’ ve seen and the climates they ’ ve noticed.
Step 3: Brainstorm Suggestions and Ideas for Creating the Desired Climate
Post the descriptions of the desired climate (from step 2) in clear
view of the participants.
Remind participants of brainstorming guidelines (give everyone
opportunities to be heard, record all items, resist debate and
evaluation, and so on).
Suggest that ideas and suggestions be phrased in behavioral
or process terms. For instance, it ’ s better to suggest that “ team
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence174
members shall assume positive intent of colleagues during
discussions and debates ” rather than “ Be positive. ”
Step 4: Combine Similar Suggestions
Invite participants to analyze all the ideas.
Encourage the combination of suggestions to improve the effi ciency
of later steps.
Note: Caution team members not to “ force ” combinations. It ’ s better
to err on the side of keeping items distinct rather than collapsing discrete
ideas together.
Step 5: Prioritize Suggestions
Describe the goal or outcome of this step as reducing the length of
the list to those items necessary and suffi cient to support the desired
climate created in step 2.
Utilize appropriate classic brainstorming techniques for this step,
such as each person gets X number of votes, and so on.
Recommend a fi nal list of between fi ve and ten items.
Display the description of the desired climate created in step 2 and
refer to it often.
Note: During this step, we always encourage the creation of state-
ments that specifi cally address how the team will handle confl ict.
Step 6: “ Behaviorize ” the Remaining Items
Remind participants that this step is about fi ne - tuning and bringing
clarity to the agreements.
Suggest the use of behavioral language and actionable descriptions.
Simple, clear, concise agreements are best.
Note: When team members have diffi culty using behavioral language,
ask questions such as, “ How would that look? ” and “ What would some-
one say or do to demonstrate that? ”
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Team Confl ict Competence 175
Step 7: Record and Distribute the Resulting List for Review
Set a time for the team to meet again to fi nalize their agreements.
We recommend at least an overnight break for team members to
review and refl ect (this isn ’ t always possible).
Step 8: Review and Finalize Agreements
Each of the fi nal draft agreements are posted and read aloud.
Team members are asked for amendments or revisions to each.
As each agreement is fi nalized, ask team members to verbally signify
their commitment.
Distribute fi nal copies of the agreements to all team members.
Note: We recommend that teams periodically review their agree-
ments. It is also helpful to establish a process for revising the agreements
if/when circumstances warrant. Examples of these circumstances include
the addition of new team members, signifi cant changes in the organiza-
tion, changes to the team ’ s mission and priorities, and so on. A sample
list of team agreements is presented as Exhibit 5.3 .
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Exhibit 5.3 Sample List of Team Agreements
1. We will demonstrate respect for each member of the team by
being on time for meetings and completing projects on time.
We will give advance notice if we cannot attend or complete
projects.
2. We pledge to share thoughts and ideas openly during team
meetings.
3. Whenever we have disagreements with other team members,
we will address our concerns directly with our confl ict partner.
We will not talk behind our team members’ backs.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence176
The establishment of team agreements doesn ’ t guarantee anything. In our
experience though, this process is the single best proactive step teams can take for
developing confl ict competence. The process we ’ ve outlined provides a simple
and thorough way to establish clarity and a shared vision among team members.
It enables the team to discuss the ways they expect to handle interactions in good
times and tough times. Perhaps most important, the process allows discussion
of how to handle the inevitable challenges they ’ ll face before those challenges
appear. When teams establish agreements and norms, they are in effect practicing
preventative medicine: like health professionals, teams administer vaccinations in
advance rather than wait to treat the symptoms of disease when they occur.
Structured Disclosure We are often surprised at how little team members know about one another. This isn ’ t to suggest that the only successful teams are comprised
of team members who have deep, intimate relationships. However, there ’ s little doubt
that openness goes a long way in the establishment of high - trust team climates.
Over the past few years, we ’ ve been honored to play a small role in the trans-
formation of the New York – Penn Baseball League. The New York – Penn League
is the premiere short season minor league baseball association in the country.
When Ben Hayes became the league president, he wanted to change the way
league members worked together. Now this may sound a bit strange. Aren ’ t
the teams in the league competing against each other? Of course they are— on
4. During team meetings, all cell phones, BlackBerries, and
other electronic communication devices will be turned off
(or silenced in the case of emergency situations with the
knowledge of all team members).
5. Sidebar conversations during team meetings are rude
and distracting. We agree that sidebars and other similar
interruptions are prohibited.
6. We will support team decisions in public even when the
decision was not our personal best choice.
7. We will review these agreements at least twice a year and
make revisions as necessary.
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Team Confl ict Competence 177
the field. Otherwise, in Hayes ’ s mind, much of the success of the league
depended on cooperation and collaboration among the general managers
(GMs) of the sixteen teams. Slowly and methodically, over a number of years,
Hayes instituted a number of steps to encourage exactly that. He organized the
fi rst - ever spring GM meeting at which participants were encouraged to share
their approaches to marketing and fan experience. The now annual league
meetings occur in Florida prior to the beginning of the season. League com-
mittees were established to address marketing issues, community outreach, and
other common issues.
Hayes also provided a series of leadership development sessions for the GMs. This
is where we became involved and used the process of structured disclosure to expand
the GMs ’ comfort with one another. In short, during introductions we asked each
GM to share a unique fact about themselves with the rest of the group. The one rule
was that the information had to be something that no one else in the room knew.
We promised that we wouldn ’ t share any of the specifics of the structured
disclosure session in this book. Suffi ce it to say, though, that the laughter was
infectious. The GMs, even though many of them had known one another for
years, discovered a myriad of previously unknown similarities, experiences, and
interests. The signifi cance of these meetings and the techniques employed has not
eluded Hayes. As the GMs established closer, more open relationships, disputes
between and among teams diminished, and disagreements were handled without
third - party intervention.
The keys to using structured disclosure are timing and choice. Typically, this
technique works best during introductory activities or when the team is socially
active. For instance, it can work as an icebreaker prior to a team dinner meeting.
Providing team members with the choice of how to participate is also a good idea.
We often use a disclaimer suggesting that team members can choose their level of
participation. In other words, the depth of their disclosures is entirely up to them,
as is their decision to participate at all.
Some of our favorite structured disclosure categories:
Share something unique about yourself (that nobody else in the room knows).
Share an experience that you found absolutely exhilarating.
What ’ s a nickname you ’ ve had or nickname of another person that you ’ ll never
forget?
Who ’ s one person you ’ d love to interview (that will probably never happen)?
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence178
What was your favorite game as a child?
Share a special skill or ability that you possess.
What ’ s your favorite guilty pleasure?
The power of this technique exists in the contagious level of sharing that occurs.
We love it when participants begin to try to “ outdo ” each other. The laughter,
amusement, insights, and revelations lead to improved connections, heightened
trust, and a willingness to engage — all invaluable traits for effective teams.
Preliminary Perspective Sharing This technique is recommended when a team knows they are about to enter into a serious discussion in which differing views are
anticipated and the stakes are high. We don ’ t claim to be the originators of this idea,
but we do believe we ’ ve witnessed the evolution of its applicability and impact. It
works because all team members are given an opportunity to be heard from the
outset. There ’ s a sense of fairness to the process and a level of acceptance for diverse
views that sets the stage for a debate of issues. Here ’ s how it works:
The potentially hot topic for team discussion is introduced.
Each team member is invited to share their initial view in a specified brief
period of time. For instance, each member is given 60 seconds to state their
preliminary perspective.
Each member has exclusive rights to the floor for the time period with no
questions or interruptions from others.
No discussion occurs until after each member completes their “ air time. ”
As each person shares his or her view, a scribe records the essence of each per-
spective.
When all participants have been heard, the scribe reviews the perspectives.
We ’ ve found that when teams begin discussions of hot topics with this brief bit
of structure, they nearly always have more satisfying interactions than when they
simply dive into the debate. In fact, the debates are often more spirited when this
technique is used than when it ’ s not. We believe this is due to the enhanced sense
of safety that ’ s created when everyone has been heard in advance of the debate.
In addition, we believe that the sooner teams engage in perspective taking and
examination of their differences, the more likely they are to fully explore all the
options available to them.
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Team Confl ict Competence 179
During Confl ict
The next several tools are most useful in the “ during ” stage of confl ict. We review
more techniques here than in either the “ before ” or “ after ” stage. We are strong
advocates of proactive rather than reactive processes and tools. We highly encourage
teams to take the time to discuss how to deal with future confl icts at any point.
As with any set of tools, it ’ s important to select the right one for the job. If
you ’ re drilling a hole in the wall so you can hang a picture, you ’ d choose a hand-
held drill with a very tiny drill bit. If you ’ re drilling for oil in the Persian Gulf,
you would select mammoth pieces of equipment that can pierce through layers
and layers of rock, soil, and sediment. In a similar way, think carefully about
the depth of the confl icts you ’ re addressing when selecting tools to use in these
situations.
Summarizing Techniques The wisdom of summarization is that it acknowl- edges the signifi cance of what others have previously stated. During confl ict, such
acknowledgments are powerful factors in keeping the intensity low. When par-
ticipants in a confl ict feel that their views are heard and valued, there is a much
greater chance that the debate over those views will be constructive versus destruc-
tive. We review three kinds of summarizing that are useful during team confl ict.
Conversational Summaries This type of summary is very common in group
interactions. Once a number of ideas, suggestions, views, or opinions have been
stated, any member of the discussion can summarize what ’ s been said.
For instance, a team member might say, “ So several of us think we need to start
immediately, some want to have another meeting with our sponsor before starting,
and a couple of others believe this isn ’ t within our charter and we shouldn ’ t even
consider beginning. ”
Structured Summaries We often refer to this technique as “ summer before fall. ”
Just as the summer season precedes fall, the idea is to summarize another ’ s view
before falling into a description of one ’ s own view.
Any team member can suggest the use of this tool. The idea is that teammates
summarize another ’ s view before stating their own. It ’ s most useful when team
members have varied and passionate viewpoints.
Have you ever observed a team meeting that deteriorated into a series of “ tak-
ing stands ” ? This is a situation in which it seems like everyone has an opinion
and wants to share it. In many cases, there ’ s actually more agreement among the
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence180
opinions than is apparent because everyone is so focused on standing their
ground. This is the perfect opportunity for someone on the team to suggest struc-
tured summaries. All they have to say is, “ Hey folks, I think we need to make sure
we ’ ve got summer before fall here. Why don ’ t we summarize what we ’ ve heard
before sharing our thoughts and see if that helps us slow down and make better
sense of our discussion? ”
Power Summaries Power summaries represent a highly structured process that is
most useful when teams fi nd themselves deadlocked or believe that they must simply
“ agree to disagree. ” The process involves slowing the discussion to “ idle speed. ” This
is accomplished by asking each team member, one at a time, to state his or her view.
When the person completes his statement, each remaining team member ’ s only job
is to summarize that person ’ s view. Once everyone has provided a summary, the
speaker either acknowledges that her view has been accurately summarized or clari-
fi es what she believes is missing. The process continues until each team member has
had a turn to express his or her view and all views have been summarized.
At the risk of sounding like Tim “ the Toolman ” Taylor on the long - running
television show Home Improvement, we have a way of adding even more power to
this technique. As each person provides his summary, he must also add a comment
about what he appreciates about the view he is summarizing. This approach, even
though highly structured, provides a sense of value for each person ’ s view that
goes beyond a simple demonstration of hearing the other ’ s view. We recommend
this “ power added ” technique especially for situations in which views have been
openly criticized. Here ’ s how it works:
1. One person begins by stating her or his view of the situation or issue under
discussion. Depending on the complexity of the situation, a time limit may
be established.
2. One by one, all team members summarize the view of the first person.
In large teams, limiting the number of “ summarizers ” can help manage
time. We suggest three summaries for most cases. (When using the “ power
added ” technique, summarizers add one thing they appreciate during
this step.)
3. The person who stated their view acknowledges the accuracy of the sum-
maries or clarifi es any missing or misunderstood points. (When using the
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Team Confl ict Competence 181
“ power added ” technique, the person acknowledges what each summarizer
appreciated during this step.)
4. At least one more summary is provided if there has been missing or misun-
derstood information.
5. The process continues and repeats for each view stated.
Time - Outs When a conflict discussion becomes overly chaotic, heated, or emotional, a well - placed time - out can help restore calm and civility. A team time -
out works in much the same way as the tried - and - true advice of “ Count to ten
when you ’ re angry ” helps individuals pause before they say or do something they
regret. A time - out can serve several purposes:
It provides participants a temporary respite from the heat of the moment.
A time - out enables valuable moments for refl ection on what has just transpired.
Time - outs allow participants a chance to reconsider what they have contrib-
uted and how they have affected others.
Similarly, time - outs provide the opportunity to reconsider what others have
contributed, said, or done.
A pause stops potentially destructive processes and behaviors such as
interrupting, blaming, loss of focus, and accusations.
As simple as the act of calling a time - out seems, we advocate several “ rules ” for
team members. These include:
All team members have the authority and the responsibility to call time - outs.
Once a team member calls for a time - out, there is no option but to take the
time - out. A time - out cannot be overruled.
Because too many time - outs can be disruptive, we suggest setting limits in
advance. For instance, during a single team meeting or discussion, there is
a limit of three time - outs allowed. Once the third time - out is called, the team
should determine a time to reconvene.
We suggest that teams create their own agreements governing the use of time -
outs. Most important, we believe teams should encourage all members to accept
responsibility for calling time - outs when the situation warrants.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence182
Devil ’ s Advocacy This technique is widely used in casual social and business conversations. Most of us can probably recall a time when somebody said, “ Let me
play devil ’ s advocate . . . ” Applied to confl ict resolution, it asks those individuals
with opposing views to go beyond summarizing their confl ict partners ’ views.
Quite literally, the technique asks that confl ict partners argue for the opposing
view or position.
It sounds easy enough. And most of us have had some practice at it during
friendly banter over a movie or a book or a sporting event. As the stakes get higher,
though, the degree of diffi culty of playing devil ’ s advocate also rises. We see it all
the time on teams . . . even when using exercises and simulations in a classroom
setting. Consider the following example.
The global strategy team from a highly regarded technical support organiza-
tion met with us for a three - day team development program. One of the exercises
we used is a classic negotiation simulation that almost always causes some level of
confl ict among the small groups involved. During the debriefi ng of the exercise, it
was apparent that two of the negotiating groups had vastly different views of the
situation they had experienced. The conversation between the groups was laced
with defl ecting comments such as, “ We didn ’ t say that! ” “ You said . . . , ” “ But you
did . . . , ” and our favorite, “ Yeah, but . . . ” In fact, whenever we hear the phrase,
“ Yeah, but . . . , ” we challenge the debating sides to stop using made - up words (like
yabutt!). When they say, “ Yeah, but . . . , ” it ’ s a clear sign that neither side is making
sense of the other’s views.
True to form, we asked both sides to stop and take a stab at playing devil ’ s
advocate for the other side. The fi rst person to volunteer had been arguing pas-
sionately for his point of view. He smiled sheepishly and agreed to give it a try.
“ When you set your price in the third month, you didn ’ t fully consider the other
options. You were only trying to make up for the past two rounds. ” We ’ re sure this
person truly intended to play devil ’ s advocate. Needless to say, what he said did
not impress the other side as an effective effort. They continued to feel blamed for
their decision.
The key to effectively using the technique of devil ’ s advocacy is to speak in fi rst
person. In other words, when I ’ m advocating for your point of view, I get so far
into your view, perspective, and position that I speak as if I am you. Even if I don ’ t
get the substance 100 percent correct, the fact that I ’ m speaking in fi rst person
removes any perception that I ’ m being accusatory, because I never say “ you. ” As
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Team Confl ict Competence 183
facilitators of this technique, the most critical part of the process to manage is
encouraging the speakers to use fi rst - person language.
This technique is most useful when two or more parties are stuck in advocacy.
When confl ict partners spend most of the time defending their rationale or restat-
ing their reasoning, it ’ s a tell - tale sign that neither side is attempting to understand
one another ’ s rationale or reasoning. We suggest that teams make it okay to use
devil ’ s advocacy by identifying it as one of a set of tools they can access when they
are slowed by confl icts. Ideally, any team member can suggest using the technique.
We encourage teams not to wait for a consultant ’ s or outside facilitator ’ s advice.
Devil ’ s advocacy can help team members practice perspective taking and result in
deep understanding and appreciation for opposing views.
Reaching Out Stated simply, the technique of reaching out involves a team member acknowledging the emotional damage caused by a previous interaction
and taking responsibility for resuming communication with a team member or
members. It sometimes takes the form of an apology or making amends. Most
important, the act of reaching out is intended to initiate a dialogue with a confl ict
partner or partners at a time when all parties feel inhibited by some emotional
pain or discomfort.
There is no specifi c formula or suggested series of steps to follow for reach-
ing out. For this technique to work, someone has to take a risk or at least take
the “ high road ” to get beyond the emotional distress weighing on the team.
An example we often share occurred with a team at a cancer research hospital.
A new team leader, Melinda, had been selected to replace the long - standing leader,
who retired. The new team leader was highly qualifi ed but was also the spouse of
a prominent physician at the hospital. Almost immediately, team members balked at
her attempts to change and improve team processes. They questioned her on
almost every suggestion. Over a period of several months, team members and
the new leader were polarized. Relationships were strained, and the team ’ s results
suffered. Human resources attempted to intervene, but nothing seemed to work.
We were asked to help the team work through their issues. After two sessions,
we were stymied. Beginning with the third session, we decided to provide some
feedback based on our observations of interactions among team members. This
seemed to provide a sense of sobering reality for the members. Sensing some
motivation to break out of the malaise, we asked team members to refl ect on what
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence184
had been happening and asked what they would like to say to each other specifi -
cally about the decline of relationships over the past few months. The dialogue
proceeded as follows:
D allas (hesitatingly): Melinda, I ’ m really sorry for how we ’ ve welcomed you
into the team. I suppose “ welcome ” isn ’ t really the right word for it.
N ancy : We didn ’ t really give you a chance.
M elinda (nodding slightly): Thank you.
D avid : You must be feeling like a complete outsider around us. What can I do
to help you feel more a part of the team?
M elinda : I ’ m really not sure.
D allas : I guess I didn ’ t realize just how tough we ’ ve been on you and in some
ways on ourselves. We really haven ’ t accomplished much in the past few
weeks. Do you think we can move forward from here?
O ’ Neil : I ’ ve probably been the worst. Sara [the former team leader] was a
good friend of mine. The last thing I wanted to do was deal with a change.
It didn ’ t matter who the new leader was. I didn ’ t want anyone else but
Sara.
N ancy : I actually found myself getting upset with you at times, O ’ Neil. I know
I wasn ’ t easy on Melinda, but I wish I had said something to the team.
M elinda : It ’ s been very tough, I admit. And I know I ’ ve thought some pretty
terrible things about you all, too.
D allas (chuckling): Imagine that. Why would you ever think poorly of us?
O ’ N eil : How can we begin to get back on the right track?
The technique of reaching out was demonstrated fi rst by Dallas. The power
of the technique is illustrated not so much by Melinda ’ s response to his apology
but by the outpouring of comments by other team members. In teams, once one
person reaches out, it often seems as if the fog of depression begins to lift for all
team members. The repair of relationship damage, however, doesn ’ t happen in a
fl ash. Reaching out enables it to begin but doesn ’ t result in a magical cure. This
team still had to face the challenge of having a new leader who presented a dif-
ferent style. And much more dialogue was necessary to repair and rebuild trust.
But the act of reaching out was the beginning of that rebuilding. In cases where
emotional damage is evident, reaching out may be just the tool for a team to begin
turning things around.
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Team Confl ict Competence 185
Reframing Questions We offer this tool with some slight hesitation. In truth, it is probably better described as a skill rather than a tool. Many people describe
it as checking for understanding. We tend to think it is just a bit deeper than that. It is
most commonly used in those moments when a spirited debate suddenly turns
into an ugly argument. When used effectively, it is an amazingly beautiful thing.
And it happens almost as quickly as the debate morphed into argument.
The reframing technique we prefer is one of inquiry. The “ reframer ” comments
with the sole intent to clarify or understand what was just said or what has just
happened. It can focus on the topic, a recent comment, the process, assumptions,
or even the current progress of the discussion. Certainly the person doing the
reframing must deliver in a nonconfrontational and nonthreatening manner.
Done poorly, the reframing can be mistaken for “ taking sides ” or criticizing.
Here are some samples of questions or statements that can be used for refram-
ing. This is not an exhaustive list by any means. The words you choose will refl ect
the context and content in the moment.
What might be the consequences of that course of action?
What if we found our assumption to be in error?
Are there more than just these two alternatives?
What else have you considered?
What else might we try?
Please help me understand why.
You obviously see it differently. I ’ d like to hear you say more.
How important is this versus that?
I misunderstood your point. Can you say it again?
How does this discussion fi t with our main priority?
If we do that, what are the implications?
What impact will our decision on this topic have on . . . ?
Will spending more time now on this pay off on that?
What would it take to change your or our minds?
Would it be helpful to revisit what we ’ ve already decided or know?
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence186
Obviously this tool requires good timing and tact. Not everyone will be espe-
cially good at it. That ’ s why we think it ’ s more a skill than a technique. In fact, the
more reframing becomes “ technique - ish, ” the less effective it is. The more jargon
we hear and the more technique we sense from a confl ict partner, the less genuine
that person appears. Nevertheless, used effectively, reframing can be the key to
defusing a quickly rising confl ict or to unlock discussions that have stalled. The
key in the heat of the moment is to use inquiry to reframe or clarify rather than
advocacy. So rather than asserting, “ We have to move beyond this stalemate, ” it is
better to seek, “ What are our options given the different views expressed? ”
Brainstorming Most teams engage in some form of brainstorming from time to time, if not routinely. It is a tried - and - true technique for generating ideas and
coming up with possible solutions to challenges. The heart of effective brain-
storming is its process. Although brainstorming processes can vary, most guide-
lines share several key characteristics. Among them:
All ideas are welcome and acknowledged.
Creative thought is encouraged.
No ideas are discussed or debated until the idea-generating phase is complete.
Generating a great volume of ideas is the primary objective.
All parties are encouraged to participate.
Violations of these guidelines are immediately recognized and rectifi ed.
When applied as tools for engaging confl icts among team members, these very
same characteristics can work wonders.
One common opportunity to use brainstorming occurs when just two or three
ideas are “ on the table ” at once. When the choices are limited, taking sides can
happen very quickly. Once the sides become polarized, the chance for a satisfy-
ing resolution is greatly diminished. Brainstorming provides a vehicle for staying
focused on the challenge, creating a respite from the argument, and generating
new possibilities.
The real trick is in knowing the difference between a healthy debate of the
issues and polarizing arguments for positions. We are huge fans of healthy
debate. Cutting off such dialogue prematurely can do more damage than good.
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•
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•
•
•
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Team Confl ict Competence 187
In this spirit, we offer fi ve tips for distinguishing healthy debate from polarizing
argument:
1. Debates feature passion; arguments feature venom.
2. Debates involve emphasis; arguments involve shouting.
3. Debates include critiques of the opposing ideas; arguments include
criticism.
4. Debates are often friendly; arguments are seldom friendly.
5. Debates imply civility and have structure; arguments often include neither.
There are also a great many similarities. Debates and arguments can both be
won and lost. Both involve persuasion. Both, once resolved, have the potential for
resulting in new perspectives. And both feature taking and defending sides.
The most critical decision for utilizing brainstorming as a technique for
addressing team confl ict is when to call for it. It ’ s a handy tool for many purposes,
including problem solving. And with the plethora of challenges facing teams, it ’ s
easy to see how it can be overused. With this in mind, we encourage teams and
team members to observe carefully and distinguish among the debates and argu-
ments that occur. Replacing an argument with brainstorming is nearly always a
useful substitution. Replacing a debate with brainstorming is a misuse of the tool
and may hinder the development of future debates.
Intentional Intent This technique is one of Tim ’ s favorites for slowing things down in the heat of the moment. It ’ s very simple, it doesn ’ t take long, and it nearly
always presents an immediate impact on the participants.
When it ’ s obvious to any team member that two or more other team members
have misunderstood, misinterpreted, or otherwise misperceived one another, this
tool can provide a quick dose of structure and a “ reality check ” before things spiral
out of control. It simply requires that each speaker clearly states his or her intent
before making their statement. It sounds so simple that the fi rst reaction of many
is to consider the technique absurd. In practice, what it accomplishes is taking the
guesswork out of perception.
Recall a time when one colleague mistook the comment of another as a criti-
cism. How did the conversation continue? In many cases, we think the parties
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence188
quickly recognized the miscommunication and took quick steps to reconcile. In
other cases, we suspect the conversation proceeded with one or both parties feel-
ing hurt, disrespected, or unheard. This technique can quickly assist by ensuring
that there ’ s no misinterpretation of intent.
We are keenly aware of the impact of the recession on our business in 2009. I
remember a staff meeting not long ago when I proclaimed to my teammates that
“ we had better start generating some new ideas . . . ” Almost immediately, all eyes
in the room turned to me. Many of my colleagues looked surprised and were
doing their best Mr. Spock “ one eyebrow cocked ” impression. Even before anyone
asked me what I meant, I knew my message had not come across the way I had
intended. Immediately, I self - invoked the technique of intentional intent, although
in this case it was done as an act of recovery rather than prevention. I said, “ Can
I try that again? What I was trying to communicate was my frustration with the
economic crisis and my fear that without signifi cant change our business will be
badly damaged. ” Had I made my intent clear in the fi rst place, the impact on my
teammates might have been quite improved.
In its purest form, intentional intent is a technique that asks each speaker to
describe his or her intent before making a statement, rather that vice versa. When
in use, you ’ ll hear comments such as:
“ What I ’ m about to say is intended to support the comments made by Lois last
week . . . ”
“ What I ’ m trying to communicate here is my curiosity about your idea . . . ”
“ I ’ m hoping to indicate my dissatisfaction with the process we followed, not
the result . . . ”
When team members use intentional intent, many assumptions can be pre-
empted. As we ’ ve seen, most destructive conflict occurs when emotions are
frayed or damaged. Even when parties are trying to be as clear as possible, it ’ s our
human nature to interpret what ’ s being said. This technique is a way to head off
faulty assumptions and misinterpretations. That said, because of its structure,
we caution against overuse. Part of what makes our interactions unique and our
communications interesting is interpretation. We ’ d rather err slightly on the side
of stimulating interest and intrigue than eliminating all facets of distinction and
uniqueness.
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•
•
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Team Confl ict Competence 189
Observation and Feedback We use several variations of this methodology in our work with teams. At the core of this tool is observation. The observation can
be conducted by a team member, an outside facilitator, or with the use of video
recording. In each case, the purpose is to accurately record the behaviors, inter-
actions, and group dynamics of the team. Once recorded, the team can examine
their interactions and decide how to alter or improve in the future.
Many teams select a team member to be the observer when using this tech-
nique. This method is the easiest in terms of scheduling and there are no
costs involved. However, when using a team member as the observer, there are
several important issues to consider. First, and most important, the normal team
dynamics are disrupted when removing a current member to serve as the observer.
The interactions of a team missing one of its regular members will be different
than “ normal. ” Second, it may be challenging for the observer to be completely
objective. Plus, even the most accurate and objective observations may be per-
ceived as subjective or skewed by other members of the team. Finally, unless the
observer is experienced or has special training, they may not be adept at spotting
key behaviors and identifying them accurately.
Another option is to use an outside facilitator as the observer. Many organiza-
tions have human resources professionals, organizational development specialists,
or internal coaches who can assist. There are also many consultants and organiza-
tions that can provide this service for a fee. The advantages of utilizing an outside
resource rather than a team member are many. Most important, each of the cau-
tions we noted previously can be addressed by using an outside resource.
A third option, growing in popularity, is the use of video recording. We have
long been advocates of video recording as a training tool. Using video to record
team meetings is a logical extension of this technology. In most cases, there is
no need for a full - time camera operator as cameras with wide-angle lenses can
be positioned to record the team meeting. A key factor to consider is the sound
quality. We have the best results when equipping the camera with an external
microphone rather than relying on the camera ’ s built - in microphone. We strongly
recommend testing the sound recording quality by using a group of individuals
talking rather than the traditional method of one person stepping in front of the
camera and saying, “ Testing 1, 2, 3 . . . ” It is critical that the sound quality can dis-
tinguish between and among many voices sometimes speaking at once. A quality
check using just one voice will not suffi ce.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence190
Once you ’ ve decided on which observation method to use, there are several
techniques to consider for providing feedback. One method simply involves taking
notes or using a checklist to track the interactions of team members. (Obviously when
using video recording, this is the only option.) When using a team member as the
observer, this method works best when teams have had a common experience with
training programs or assessment tools that provide a common language. The observer
can use the common language to create a list of behaviors or points. Such a list makes it
easier for the observer to catch critical interactions and for the team to understand the
observations and feedback when reviewed.
A variation on this method involves the team agreeing to take several time - outs
during the observed meeting so the observer can provide feedback. This approach
is valuable in its immediacy of feedback, but it is disruptive in that it breaks the
fl ow of the interactions. It is essential that all team members agree in advance
if the time - out method is to be used. This technique is most useful when team
members use the feedback to make immediate changes in their behaviors. It is
most effective for use in training sessions rather than team meetings.
Another variation on this theme involves the observer verbally labeling
behaviors as they occur. Again, this works most effectively when team members
have a common language, such as the fi fteen constructive and destructive behav-
iors associated with the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le. As the meeting progresses,
the observer not only makes note of the behaviors, he or she identifi es each
behavior verbally in real time. What results is akin to the public address an-
nouncer at a ball game. As the action continues, the teams and the fans hear,
“ Goal by Kyle. ” In the team meeting, team members will hear, “ Summary by
Matt ” or “ Perspective taking by Lindsay. ” To reduce disruption even more, the
observer doesn ’ t identify the source, only the behavior. We have the greatest
success with this variation in situations in which teams have fl oundered with
confl ict and are ready and willing to try something different. It is a powerful
way to identify and acknowledge behaviors that have a signifi cant impact on the
effectiveness of team interactions.
Finally, the most common variation of the observation technique includes a
specifi c time period for feedback and discussion after the meeting. When using
video recording, the team is gathered to watch the replay of the video, identify
key points, discuss the impact of behaviors, and decide how to improve in future
meetings. Asking a third - party facilitator to participate can lend expertise and an
element of objectivity to this process. When video recording has not been used,
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Team Confl ict Competence 191
this session relies on the skill and thoroughness of the observer. Again, key points
and the impact of behaviors are reviewed. Once these are analyzed and discussed,
team members can decide what improvements are necessary.
We believe it ’ s a good idea for teams to use this technique periodically whether
or not they are experiencing any difficulties with conflict. Just as we schedule
routine maintenance on our vehicles, routine “ tune ups ” for our teams makes
just as much sense. When small, sometimes imperceptible behaviors or trends are
identifi ed and corrected early, more complex and potentially damaging situations
are prevented.
Clearing the Air Clearing the air requires courage and honesty. It is a technique utilized for times when emotions are running high but are not being expressed
effectively. The most obvious situations involve times when destructive, overt dis-
plays of emotions, such as displaying anger or demeaning others, erupt. Just as
crucial, and perhaps even more risky, are situations when emotions are hidden,
repressed, or denied. The technique of clearing the air provides the team a mildly
structured way for expressing emotions safely.
The process for clearing involves several discrete steps or segments as outlined here:
1. Call a time - out. The team member who calls the time - out takes the fi rst risk
by identifying his or her own strong emotions or reactions to the current
interactions. The time - out is accompanied by the suggestion that the team
uses the “ clearing the air ” process.
2. Identify and write down thoughts and feelings. The simple process of writ-
ing down thoughts and feelings creates some time and space between the
interactions and the discussion to follow. Emphasis on feelings is key. We
recommend writing simple words and phrases to describe the feelings.
3. Identify sources. Next to each feeling, participants are asked to identify the
sources of the emotion. We highly encourage that the writer take ownership
or acknowledge control of at least some of the sources. This eliminates play-
ing the “ blame game. ”
4. List alternatives. Each person lists alternative actions, behaviors, or processes
for each source that may have resulted in different responses or results.
Alternatives must include suggestions for the writer, not just other team
members. We recommend that the fi rst suggestion for each source focus on
oneself.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence192
5. Share lists. Team members take turns sharing their thought and feelings,
sources, and alternatives. We recommend that each person share one, then
the turn moves to the next team member.
6. Summarize and reengage. Once all members have shared, ask for a few
thoughts about the process. Ask if the team is ready to return to the issue or
meeting. Reengage.
Clearing the air involves a signifi cant degree of risk and disclosure. Admitting
strong emotions is not easy. Neither is identifying sources of the emotions or sug-
gesting alternatives. The risks of allowing destructive emotions and feelings to
fl ow unchecked or to go unacknowledged and denied are even greater. The struc-
ture suggested for clearing the air provides safety through the process of delaying
each person ’ s response and providing time for refl ective thinking. Because of the
high stakes, we suggest that teams consider the use of a third - party facilitator to
manage this technique. As challenging as it may feel, when team members are
open and honest with one another, there is great opportunity for trust and respect
to grow.
Stop, Start, Continue We use this process for addressing a variety of team challenges. In general, it is a tool that is most helpful when teams find them-
selves in a rut, not performing up to past standards. It can also be used for
addressing specific challenges such as dealing with significant changes in the
team ’ s mission. This technique is among the most thorough for analyzing how
the team is handling confl ict and what they can do to handle it more effectively.
Although it ’ s called “ Stop, Start, Continue, ” the title doesn ’ t necessarily dictate
the order in which the three categories should be addressed. In fact, the most com-
mon order we use is Continue, then Stop, and fi nally Start. We fi nd that beginning
with a focus on what ’ s working provides a sense of accomplishment for most
teams.
We also recommend that this technique always be facilitated by a third party
with expertise in group dynamics and behavior. The process itself is not com-
plex. We believe though, that asking a team member to facilitate alters the team
dynamic signifi cantly. It is important that all team members contribute in their
normal roles. The process can also be lengthy. Having a facilitator can help manage
the process objectively and effi ciently.
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Team Confl ict Competence 193
The process involves preparation and three distinct stages. The following
description is meant as a guideline for facilitating. As with any process of this
nature, a skilled facilitator must be ready to adjust and alter to meet the needs of
the team.
STOP, START, CONTINUE PROCESS
Preparation
Secure the following:
1. A private meeting space with tables and seating to accommodate
the team
2. Smartboards, whiteboards, and/or easels with fl ip charts and
markers
3. Notepads and pens for each team member
4. Refreshments
Stage 1
The facilitator and/or team leader welcomes the team members. The
facilitator briefl y describes the process. Here ’ s a sample opening:
This session uses a tool called Start, Stop, Continue. It will help
you describe how you ’ ve been dealing with confl ict, analyze the
behaviors and processes you ’ ve used, and ultimately to agree on
how to address the confl ict moving forward.
It ’ s critical that each of you focus on sharing ideas and perspec-
tives openly and honestly. Keeping information and views hidden
will stifl e the process and prevent the team from making progress.
Because we ’ re dealing with confl ict, some of the discussion may feel
risky at times. This is natural and expected.
My role is to manage the process in a way that helps you focus on
behaviors and information rather than placing blame. I appreciate
your willingness to participate. I anticipate that you ’ ll fi nd the session
meaningful, but only if you participate fully.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence194
The process includes three stages. [Insert a description of how
long you expect the session to last and whether you plan to extend
it over two days.] Are you ready to begin?
Stage 1 begins by seeking ideas and suggestions for what the team
should continue to do about the confl ict. Each suggestion is recorded
publicly so that all members can see. We suggest asking team mem-
bers to do the recording. When teams have trouble getting started, we
remind them that suggestions for this category can focus on what they
do before, during, and after confronting the conflict. We encourage
them not to limit their thinking to only the time when actually embroiled
in the confl ict. We have found that by beginning with the category Con-
tinue, teams are able to consider behaviors and interactions that they
consider effective. By focusing on positives fi rst, the team gains a sense
of reinforcement and recognition. This also highlights the fact that the
team engages in constructive behavior. In other words, even though this
technique addresses conflict that is causing a problem, the team can
clearly see that they have been doing some things well.
At this point, the process resembles brainstorming in that no sugges-
tions are debated. The key issue is to record as many suggestions about
what to continue as possible. The suggestions are simply recorded.
Once the list for Continue is exhausted, the same approach is used to
record suggestions for Stop. You can expect this phase to be a bit more
contentious. As team members refl ect on past experiences that have not
gone well, some items may embody perspectives that seem judgmen-
tal or focused on individuals. It is essential that the facilitator keeps the
focus on observations that describe behavior, not people. The listing
continues until the team has diffi culty coming up with additional items
for this category.
Next, the team considers the category Start. Now the focus is on what
the team can do differently or better in the future. Because this cat-
egory is future oriented, it sometimes takes longer than the fi rst two
categories. Once again, effective brainstorming guidelines are followed,
with no discussion or debate. It is common to fi nd a signifi cant num-
ber of suggestions that are reverse characterizations of items listed in
the Stop category. Although this can appear repetitive, we are generally
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Team Confl ict Competence 195
supportive of this practice because it emphasizes the need for change.
If the team has diffi culty coming up with ideas, the facilitator can sug-
gest that they review the previously created Continue list. This often
results in suggestions that build on behaviors and processes already seen
as worthwhile.
Once all three categories are addressed, we suggest taking a break.
It ’ s not uncommon for this segment to take one to two hours. During
the break, the facilitator should organize and display the lists around the
room. Once reconvened, team members are asked to silently review
each list. They each carry a notepad so they can jot down additional
suggestions for each list. After everyone has had ample time for review
(15 – 20 minutes is usually enough), the additional suggestions are sought
and recorded.
At this point, we fi nd that many teams experience a feeling of real
accomplishment. We encourage team members to gaze around the
meeting room so they can see the walls covered with the information
they produced. Often the sheer volume of information alone gives team
members the sense that they have made signifi cant progress. This leads
to optimism and hope that much more is possible. Capitalizing on this
sense of hope and accomplishment is the goal of the next stage.
Stage 2
In stage 2, each category (Continue, Stop, and Start) is reviewed. Each and
every item is reviewed. The methodology for stage 2 can take a variety of
forms and may include a number of process options. The ultimate goal
is to discuss each item, clarify it, and determine whether or not it should
stay on the list. One option we often suggest is to consider each item as
a critical incident. The team provides examples of when the action or
behavior was observed and how it affected the team. This practice helps
the team verify the item ’ s value and understand its application.
Another important step in this stage is grouping similar items together.
This enables the team to compare items and consider the relative value
of all the suggestions. This typically results in a methodical reduction of
the number of suggestions and items in each category. We fi nd this very
helpful as we prepare for the fi nal stage of this technique.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence196
Stage 3
Stage 3 involves a fi nal review of each category and prioritization of the
remaining suggestions. The method and outcome for each of the three
categories is slightly different. In the Continue category, we ask team
members to identify the most important items to continue. One way to
do so is by giving each member an opportunity to identify their personal
“ top three ” or “ top fi ve ” items. A simple method for completing this
task is to ask team members to silently review the list and select their
top items by placing a mark beside each. As the team members reveal
their selections, those items most important to the team become appar-
ent. The facilitator can review the “ voting ” and circle the top selections,
checking of course with the team.
For the Stop category, the process is very similar. The idea is to identify
those suggestions that, if stopped, will have the greatest impact on the
team ’ s ability to deal with the confl ict. The same method of identify-
ing one ’ s “ top three ” or “ top fi ve ” seems to work well. Once again, the
facilitator reviews the results and circles the top items. This usually results
in a very clear list of things the team agrees it must stop doing.
The suggested method for considering items in the Start category is
more complex. In this case, instead of deciding only which actions are
most important, we encourage a discussion of how each action will
be implemented. This discussion is critical. The first step can include
the same elimination process used for Continue and Stop. This can
reduce the number of suggestions to those deemed most essential.
Next, we suggest reaching agreement on four factors for each agreed -
upon item: who, what, when, and how. Team members should specify
who has responsibility for engaging in the behavior (in the vast major-
ity of circumstances all team members share this responsibility). This
emphasizes that every team member has the authority to intervene or
make suggestions when confl ict occurs. The team should also consider
what should be said or done when accessing each item on the list. Many
times this results in the identifi cation of “ warnings ” or “ catch phrases ”
that signal the team to slow down. Next, the team should consider when,
or under what conditions, they will engage in the new behavior or pro-
cess. For example, teams may agree that whenever a team member feels
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Team Confl ict Competence 197
suffi ciently uncomfortable, he or she should or must mention it. Finally,
the team discusses how such interventions should take place. This discus-
sion focuses on how to use respectful, well - intentioned interventions,
even when the suggestion may at fi rst appear as an interruption.
The discussions on who, what, when, and how comprise the heart of
this technique. The team has identifi ed and agreed on specifi c actions
for addressing confl ict. This makes it okay to “ do something construc-
tive ” instead of avoiding or taking action that could be misinterpreted as
destructive. When team members agree on new specific behaviors,
actions, and processes for addressing their conflict, they are well on
their way not only to resolving the current confl ict but for confi dently
handling similar confl icts in the future.
Team Leader or Team Member Intervention From time to time, team mem- bers may violate team norms or rules. In some cases, such mistakes can be handled
through the organization ’ s prescribed performance or work habits procedures.
We believe taking this kind of formal action is appropriate when warranted. We
also believe that the most effective teams fi nd ways to use informal interventions
to address the poor work habits or performance of team members.
It ’ s diffi cult to itemize the many variations and forms this can take. We thought
it would be helpful to describe a recent high - profi le example of this approach. So,
welcome to the world of major league baseball!
The 2008 season of my hometown team, the Tampa Bay Rays, was one to
remember. The team had never posted a winning record in a season until that year.
Amazingly, in 2008 they not only won more games than they lost, they became the
American League champions and made it to the World Series! Although they lost
to the Philadelphia Phillies in the series, the way this team developed during the
season was one of the best sports stories of the year.
Of particular interest during the season was the way the Rays ’ manager Joe
Maddon handled several situations involving young center fielder BJ Upton.
The team had been built on a foundation of outworking and out - hustling other
arguably more talented teams. This was epitomized by the team slogan, “ 9 = 8. ”
Loosely translated, 9 = 8 meant nine players working together for nine innings
every game would result in the team being one of the eight teams making the
playoffs.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence198
In midseason, Upton failed to run hard to fi rst base on what he thought was
a routine groundball, a cardinal sin in the Rays ’ “ out - hustling ” climate. Just a few
games later, Upton hit what he thought was a sure double. As he rounded fi rst
base, he slowed to a trot as he neared second base, unaware that the throw in
from the outfi eld came to the fi rst baseman. Before he reached second base, the
fi rst baseman tagged him out from behind. Two incidents in such close proximity
demanded action.
Maddon intervened in two ways. First he had a private conversation with
Upton explaining his disappointment, reiterating his and the team ’ s expectations,
and asserting how important BJ is to the team. Second, he looked to veteran play-
ers on the team like Cliff Floyd and Carlos Pena to work with Upton. The vet-
erans “ took Upton under their wings, ” providing invaluable guidance, coaching,
and support. Upton stepped up to the challenge to improve his effort. He starred
during the playoffs with stellar defense and a team high of seven home runs.
By intervening himself and expecting other team members to intervene,
Maddon demonstrated his commitment to team standards and the value of
true “ teamness. ” When team members violate standards or agreements, action is
necessary. Without intervention, the power of team norms and rules is rendered
useless.
Mediation As we discussed in Chapter Four , mediation is perhaps the most serious kind of intervention or technique for resolving conflict on teams.
Mediation is typically reserved for confl icts that have reached the highest levels of
intensity (discord or polarization). There are formal mediation processes available
and fi rms that specialize in business mediation services. We focus here on more
informal types of mediation. This type of mediation can be provided by team
members, the team leader, a respected colleague, or an agreed - upon third - party
mediator.
Four basic tenets or guidelines must be present for mediation to be effective:
1. The mediation meeting is conducted in a private, safe environment.
2. The mediator presents ground rules that ensure safety, honesty, openness,
and commitment to listening by all parties.
3. The confl ict parties agree to air their views honestly and listen respectfully
and completely to the other views.
4. The parties agree to continue talking until progress is made.
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Team Confl ict Competence 199
If mediation is an option, refer back to the section on intensity levels in Chapter
Four for a more in - depth review.
After Confl ict
Just as teams conduct periodic progress reviews, milestone summaries, and project
debriefs, there is great value in reviewing the behaviors, tactics, and processes used
once a team confl ict has been addressed. We suggest two approaches for reviewing
confl icts. Although both can be used periodically as best practices whether or not
a specifi c confl ict has been addressed, they are especially valuable once confl ict has
occurred. Both involve thorough, honest reviews of the behaviors and processes
used by the team.
Periodic Peer Feedback High - performing teams often establish agreements for conducting routine peer feedback sessions. The purpose of these sessions is to
share perceptions of what ’ s working or not working in team communication and
team member interaction. The more specifi c the feedback, the more likely team
members are to understand and engage in constructive behaviors.
We recommend and use a specifi c method for conducting peer feedback. It is
characterized by a degree of structure and requires the willingness of team members
to request feedback from their colleagues. For feedback to be the most productive,
it must be welcome. This is possible only when the team climate is right. As we dis-
cussed earlier, team climate cannot be legislated. It must be created, established, and
nurtured over time. Generally speaking, the better the team climate, the more likely
the team is to experience value and productivity during these feedback sessions. That
said, even when the climate is not as good as one would like, feedback is a necessary
ingredient for improvement. As a facilitator of feedback processes, one must be pre-
pared to guide and intervene more frequently when the team climate is not ideal.
Situation - Behavior - Impact Method The successful use of this method involves
sharing the Situation - Behavior - Impact (SBI) model with team members and ask-
ing them to provide feedback to one another by following this simple model. We
highly recommend using a third-party facilitator when using this approach. The
components include:
Situation: The context in which the behavior or action took place.
Behavior: What was said or done.
Impact: How the behavior impacted the observer or others in the situation.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence200
A technique we recommend for team members when first learning the
model involves taking notes. Each team member makes a three - column grid
for each of their colleagues on a notepad. The fi rst column is labeled “ situ-
ation, ” the second “ behavior, ” and the third “ impact. ” As they work together,
team members make brief SBI notes recording their observations of each other.
These notes will be used during the facilitated session when members share
their feedback.
The feedback session is obviously the most critical portion of this method. The
facilitator can ensure the success of the session by providing some process guide-
lines such as the following:
1. Conduct the session away from potential interruptions and distractions.
2. Set a reasonable time period for the session. Allow ample time. Rushing this
session greatly inhibits the value. For teams of fi ve to seven members, two
hours is recommended.
3. Team members are expected to come prepared with SBI observations for
each teammate. Especially in a team ’ s earliest experiences with the SBI
method, keeping notes as described previously is highly recommended.
4. Each team member specifi cally requests feedback by asking teammates to
share their observations.
5. To ensure safety, team members can pass on providing or requesting feed-
back. Forcing participation only fosters resentment.
6. Each team member takes a turn on the “ receiving seat. ” When a team mem-
ber asks for feedback, all other team members provide SBI observations.
Depending on the time allotted for the session, and the volume of data col-
lected by each team member, we often suggest that feedback is focused on
those SBIs deemed most critical or impactful.
7. While receiving feedback, the receiver does not defend or explain. They sim-
ply listen and take notes if they wish.
8. If a piece of feedback is misunderstood or unclear, the receiver may ask
clarifying questions, again without defending or explaining.
9. The receiver thanks all the teammates and the process continues until all
participants have had an opportunity to receive feedback.
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Team Confl ict Competence 201
Once the SBI model becomes comfortable and the team has effectively used
the process several times, an outside facilitator may no longer be needed. This
process is an extremely valuable tool for debriefing a recent conflict. We also
recommend it as a “ routine maintenance ” tool for teams. Our colleague Susan
Gunn from Richmond, Virginia, uses the SBI method when she works with teams
on confl ict. As she says, “ I fi nd it especially useful in exploring the concept of ex-
pressing emotions. For a variety of reasons, it isn ’ t unusual to meet with resistance
to the notion of telling others what one is feeling in work situations. Even when
individuals get past the resistance and accept its value in resolving the confl ict,
expressing emotions can feel awkward. Practicing this technique helps get past
this discomfort along with gaining clarity and ability to identify and communicate
the real emotion at the heart of the confl ict ” (Craig ’ s and Tim ’ s correspondence
with Susan Gunn, July 7, 2009).
The better team members communicate, the easier it is to handle confl icts when
they arise. The more effectively team members seek and share feedback, the more
they know what ’ s working. And the more open and honest teammates are with one
another, the more likely it is that they can engage in spirited debates constructively.
When this happens, confl ict becomes constructive, expansive, and productive.
VIRTUAL AND GLOBAL TEAMS
In addition to all of the confl ict challenges that face traditional teams, new ones
emerge when team members work at a distance or come from different cultures. In
the case of virtual teams, most communications take place using electronic media,
which poses a set of unique issues. It is also harder to build familiarity and trust at
a distance. Understanding is impaired because team members lack a shared context
and cannot use visual clues like body language and facial expressions as easily
as they can in person. For instance, lag times with e - mail and other messaging
can lead to misunderstandings when messages pass like ships in the night.
Confl ict can be hard to recognize in virtual teams. It is diffi cult to interpret the
meaning of silence in these situations (Armstrong and Cole, 2002). As a conse-
quence, confl ict can arise but go undetected until it has built into a serious prob-
lem. Billie Williamson of Ernst & Young suggests that it is important to listen for
who is being silent and then to make sure to follow up so that everyone is heard
(Williamson, 2009).
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence202
Virtual teams have a more diffi cult time developing behavioral integration than
do traditional teams. People do not feel as much in touch when their colleagues
are at a distance. It is harder to develop a sense of cohesiveness.
Faced with these and other problems, what can a team leader and team mem-
bers of a virtual team do to improve their chances of addressing confl icts ef-
fectively? First, we strongly advocate an early face - to - face meeting where they
can begin to build familiarity and trust using the same techniques as traditional
teams. This meeting also helps the team develop a shared understanding of team
member roles and responsibilities. Even though there are costs associated with
this process, the investment is even more important in the case of virtual teams
because of the additional problems they face in dealing with confl ict.
The face - to - face meeting also provides them with the opportunity to develop a
team agreement about the norms they wish to use to manage confl ict. In addition
to the standard issues related to creating the right climate and employing con-
structive communications techniques, virtual teams also need to focus on several
unique issues.
First, they need to talk about what approaches they want to take to make sure
when confl ict is happening and the team is not aware of it. Several approaches can
be used, including emphasizing the importance of everyone being responsible for
raising issues. For people who are uncomfortable doing this, the team could create
a method that would let the person bring the issue to the attention of the team
leader. If the team leader was the focus of the problem, another team member
could be used as a conduit to alert the team about the problem.
The team also needs to agree on what kinds of communications technologies it
wants to use to address confl icts once they arise. Usually it is better to use higher -
bandwidth techniques (phone is preferable to e - mail, videoconference is better
than phone) because they make it easier to see nonverbal cues. Depending on
where the team members are located, they may need to develop norms for when
they meet. If they are many time zones apart, it will be important to not require
the same people to always be the ones to take late-night calls.
Cultural Issues
People from different cultures can easily misunderstand one another. This can
stem from language differences as well as cultural variations that can lead to
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Team Confl ict Competence 203
expectations being unmet. These misunderstandings and unmet expectations
frequently lead to confl ict.
Different cultures also have varying approaches for how confl icts should be
managed. In some cultures, it is preferable to talk directly about issues — put your
cards on the table. In others, such directness is frowned upon because it could lead
to a breakdown in the harmony of relationships. The differences are quite real,
and each culture ’ s approach is not only authentic but can be effective when used
by people from the same culture. At the same time, when you have a confl ict with
someone from another culture, that person ’ s way of trying to resolve it may be
very different from yours. These differences themselves can complicate resolution
of confl ict and can escalate confl icts by causing frustration.
We recommend that teams with members from different cultures spend some
time learning more about the cultural approaches to confl ict of its members. For a
general background on the subject we recommend the book Managing Intercultural
Conflict Effectively (Ting - Toomey and Oetzel, 2001). You can also get a better
understanding of the cultural confl ict styles of team members using the Intercultural
Conflict Style Inventory (Hammer, 2005). It examines two key domains: the
degree of directness that people prefer to use when addressing confl ict and the de-
gree to which they are emotionally expressive or reserved when doing so.
Three of our colleagues have provided us with helpful insights about intercul-
tural confl ict. Maya Hu - Chan is a consultant and author in the fi eld of intercultural
communications. I (Craig) first met her at a global leadership conference in
Shanghai. She was kind enough to share stories and insights that can be helpful
when dealing with global teams.
GLOBAL TEAM LEADER ALERT! AVOID CULTURAL DYSFUNCTION IN YOUR WORKPLACE
Is it a social faux pas or a compliment? It really depends to whom you ’ re
talking. “ You ’ ve gained so much weight! ” Insulting to most Westerners,
this comment is a neutral and even flattering observation in China.
On the other hand, the “ thumbs up ” sign means “ A - OK ” in the United
States but is offensive in Iran and Greece. Even First Lady Michelle Obama
took a cultural misstep in London by placing her hand on the queen ’ s
back, a violation of royal protocol.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence204
Take these different cultural frameworks, drop them into the interna-
tional workplace, and you have a recipe for cross - cultural dysfunction on
a global scale. Yet this disagreeable dish can be saved with the proper
ingredients — curiosity, knowledge, empathy, and adaptability.
Take three examples of global teams I ’ ve worked with in recent years.
Team A, Asians, South Africans, and Australians, worked together in Asia
via e - mail and conference calls with satellite offices. Productivity had
dropped and mistrust was growing. People were working at cross - purposes
and had stopped communicating. As refl ected in the Thomas - Kilmann con-
fl ict model, some members verbalized their grievances, others withdrew
into an avoidance mode of silence, and compromisers tried to work things
out. Cultural differences and virtual distances were creating an impasse.
Team recovery began with talking, the team leader setting the tone
by admitting that he could have done a better job. Efforts were made to
understand different cultural frameworks and to give others the benefi t
of the doubt. Some commonsense ground rules and “ do ’ s ” and “ don ’ ts ”
were charted. Terms were specified: “ open communication ” meant
“ active listening. ” “ Follow up ” was described in behavioral terms. A
year later, team A reported an 82 percent improvement in productivity,
compared to 25 percent growth the previous year.
Team B ’ s dysfunction arose from cultural differences between a Japa-
nese team leader and his American team. Silence, limited eye contact,
and deference to his supervisors, all appropriate in a Japanese workplace,
served only to erode his credibility as a leader in the United States. Team
performance began to suffer.
“ He doesn ’ t make eye contact with people, and seems to lack self-
confidence, ” some employees said. “ He is so quiet and shy. We don ’ t
know where he stands, ” described another. Receptive to feedback, the
leader changed, emerged from his shell, called more team meetings,
and initiated team - building social activities. Within six months, the team
had turned around and, even in a tough economy, outperformed other
teams.
Team C ’ s leader faced similar problems but with a less successful
outcome. A high performer in the United States, she expected similar
kudos managing a team of workers from Mexico, the Philippines, and
the United Kingdom. Yet her direct communication style was not an
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Team Confl ict Competence 205
appropriate fi t for her team, and lack of fl exibility was her downfall.
When approached about the situation, she responded, “ I am from New
York. This is how I communicate, direct and to the point. That ’ s what I
expect from everyone. Indirect communication and hierarchy just don ’ t
work for me. ” The situation worsened.
Culture permeates every part of our lives, whether personal or profes-
sional. Women are discriminated against in many cultures, and ageism is
a problem in others. While some countries have come to accept certain
life events, such as divorce or having a child out of wedlock, these are
still taboo subjects for many people. Even socializing after work can trip
up the unknowing foreign employee. Evenings of eating and drinking
might seem like an optional nonwork activity, when in fact work matters
are discussed, important decisions made, and social relations cemented.
Tips and Best Practices
How does the global team leader fi nd the appropriate recipe to avoid
such cultural dysfunction? Start with these key ingredients:
Learn about your team member ’ s culture.
Be respectful and open - minded.
Remember that each team member is an individual, as well as a
product of his or her culture.
When confl ict occurs, remember the DIN model:
D Describe facts in an objective manner with no prejudgment.
I Interpret the facts from the other person ’ s point of view.
N Navigate and search for a different approach that will be
satisfactory to both parties.
With these ingredients at hand, the global team leader can steer clear
of cross - cultural pitfalls and create instead a productive and harmonious
recipe for success.
Curtis Curry is a longtime colleague of Tim. Curtis is fl uent in multiple lan-
guages and has more than twenty years of cross - cultural training experience.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence206
He gives us a glimpse at how cultural differences around time, individualism versus
collectivism, and power - distance can cause confl ict and how they can be bridged.
The past twenty years have witnessed a great increase in interactions
among individuals of diverse cultures. Globalization, improved commu-
nication technology, and an increasingly diverse workforce have led to a
rise in confl icts stemming from cultural differences. Such confl icts arise
from many differences in expectations of “ normal ” behavior, including
diverse perspectives on how individuals should relate to one another,
how authority fi gures should be treated, and how time is viewed. My
time as master trainer and director of the Peace Corps training center
for Honduras and Nicaragua was an intense period of learning how
powerfully cultural values inform confl ict behavior and often serve as
a catalyst for confl ict. One area of difference is the conceptualization
of time. While a common North American saying is “ Time is money, ” a
well - known Central American aphorism is “ hay m á s tiempo que vida, ” or
“ There is more time than life. ”
Our weekly senior staff meetings had an official start time, but
meetings generally began with a period of informal socializing before
turning to the agenda. While formal meetings were occasionally
scattered through the week, chatting informally with managers and
employees was a more common and productive way of getting work
done in Central America. Formal meetings were not as important or as
frequent as in the United States.
When we hired a new assistant director from the United States, I noticed
that when I would drop in on her, as was my common practice with host
country staff, I noticed she seemed a bit anxious to get back to her work.
“ Curtis, did you need something in particular? ” Her reaction refl ected a
number of values: her U.S. expectation of holding formal, planned meet-
ings to discuss business, her view of time as a resource to be used effi ciently,
and her focus on completing the task that had been structured for that time
slot. Latin American leaders are often expected to postpone scheduled tasks
when facing a choice between people issues and task assignments. Differ-
ences in time orientation can be a major source of confl ict across cultures.
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Team Confl ict Competence 207
Another important area of cultural difference is power - distance. In
high power - distance cultures, such as Colombia, Japan, and Honduras,
there is greater deference to authority fi gures than in low power - distance
cultures such as Holland, Canada, and the United States. Differences
along this dimension can lead to confl ict.
When the Peace Corps established a new training center in Jinotepe,
Nicaragua, Do ñ a Norma, our Honduran executive assistant, accompa-
nied our Honduran/American team to help out with the project start -
up. When addressing one another, Hondurans primarily use the formal
you form, usted, rather than the highly informal vos, which is reserved
for lifelong friends. In Nicaragua, vos is a much more common way to
address colleagues, and usted is much less frequently used.
One of the project drivers we had recently hired addressed me using
vos and was quickly corrected by Do ñ a Norma. “ How could you think of
using vos with the director! What a lack of respect! Don Curtis is how
he should be addressed. ” While U.S. business culture is much less formal
than Honduran business culture, I had lived in Honduras for a couple of
years, and the driver ’ s use of vos initially struck me as a bit disrespectful
as well. I soon learned that this informal manner of address did not dem-
onstrate a lack of respect in Nicaragua, but rather a cultural difference
between Hondurans and Nicaraguans.
A fi nal critical area of cultural differences that often leads to con-
fl ict is individualism versus collectivism. In general, individualist cultures
focus on individual goals, individual performance, and “ individuality. ”
Collectivist cultures focus more on community, group loyalty, and family
goals. The United States ranks high on the individualism end of the
spectrum. As an American leader working in Honduras, a more collectiv-
ist culture, I learned that a leader ’ s responsibilities in Honduras differed
in some respects from those of the United States. Birthdays, Mother ’ s
Day, and other signifi cant events marked special occasions that were to
be observed by the organization. The director was expected to make a
presentation to honor the individual or group. Additionally, the leader is
expected to support his or her employees in interactions with the home
offi ce and help the employee get through personal rough times. Initially,
I was surprised to have an employee ask me for a personal bridge loan,
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence208
but realized that the leader has obligations to employees in collectivist
cultures not generally found in individualistic cultures.
Quick Tips for Communicating Effectively Across Cultures
Withhold making judgments when working with individuals from
other cultures. Instead, focus on trying to understand rather than
judge differences in behavior. For example, “ That Brazilian team
member stands close to me and touches my arm a lot while he is
talking. Perhaps he ’ s not being aggressive, but rather demonstrating
a cultural difference. ”
Since many cultures focus fi rst on relationships, then on task
deadlines, listen carefully to others. Make time to cultivate
relationships. Value the differences.
Be open to changing your cultural paradigms. In Honduras,
we created a hybrid organizational culture in which meetings
would start ten minutes after the offi cial start time, and much
business was conducted Honduras - style by walking around
and chatting. We still got the job done, and to very high
standards!
Learn more about cultural elements that affect confl ict such as the
importance of hierarchical structure and the relative importance of
the individual and collective concerns. You can get more information
at http://www.geert - hofstede.com .
Learn about differences across cultures. Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands:
The Bestselling Guide to Doing Business in Sixty Countries (Morrison
and Conway, 2006) is a good starter resource.
A fi nal caveat: Avoid stereotyping. Research shows that while
cultures do differ along certain dimensions such as time
orientation, individualism - collectivism, and power - distance, there
are great differences among individuals within cultures. There
are highly individualistic people in collectivist cultures and vice
versa.
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Team Confl ict Competence 209
Creating a Third Culture
Another interesting approach to managing cultural differences around confl icts
is to create a new culture. Michael Rawlings, confl ict management expert and a
senior faculty member at the Federal Executive Institute, has dealt with intercul-
tural confl ict in many contexts. His contribution describes what he calls “ creating
a third culture. ”
Living in Brussels, Belgium, from 1986 to 1996 was invaluable in learning
the importance of developing skills for building effective relationships
in the international community. Working at NATO HQ, the Commission
of the E.U., in multinational corporations, serving as an offi cer in the
U.S. – European Chamber of Commerce, and teaching at business school
presented daily challenges of fi nding middle ground. Not surprisingly,
building long - term personal relationships within the international com-
munity presented exactly the same challenges.
As the emerging “ Capital of Europe, ” Brussels is a place like no
other, requiring the coming together of business and government, gov-
ernment with government, language to language, culture to culture.
It ’ s like London or Paris or Berlin, Washington or New York, Tokyo or
Bangkok, Sidney, Mumbai, Cairo, or Jerusalem, taken to an exponen-
tial level by a dozen or more intermingled languages and many more
cultural differences and nuanced interests. It ’ s a learning laboratory
for interest - based problem solving, with the fortunate elixirs of beer
and wine coupled with the lubricant of long gourmet dinners, both
of which encourage hours of practice in the arts of conversation and
relationship building.
Daily life in Brussels presents challenges in how to move toward others
and how to guide others in moving toward each other. Year after year
I watched, participated, and learned the techniques used for effective
interaction and meaningful experience in interpersonal relationships and
organizational collaboration.
Perhaps the most important lesson Brussels has taught me about con-
fl ict management and collaborative problem solving is the importance
of what I call “ third culture. ” True third culture requires learning various
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence210
methods and creating opportunities for each person within a group to
move at will into a space that is native to neither of them but in which
they can each function effectively. The components include (1) having
a distinct third culture, (2) cultivating an attitude of willingness to step
into third at any time with anyone, and (3) practicing the development
of skills, attitudes, and approaches to support third culture. All three
are important, and they build on each other. There is a well - established
saying that after one lives outside of one ’ s native culture for more than
fi ve years, one is forever a member of the broader expatriate community
and culture. I think this is true, and it seems to hinge on the principles of
third culture.
The fi rst and second components are a matter of seeing and choos-
ing. The third presents the basis for my preferred approach to confl ict
management and collaborative problem solving. It is an alternative to
assimilation and is arguably more powerful than one person or group
stepping into and adapting to the culture of another party. As an
example, my boss at the Commission of the European Union was
an Italian senior executive. We found it highly effective to communicate
in French, a second language for each of us, which formed the basis for
our third way. Not only did we work well together, we learned a lot
from each other about fl exibility, adventure, and humility, each of which
built trust.
These experiences have powerfully informed my work with teams.
Whether a client request is reactive or proactive, my fi rst question before
beginning work with the team is what “ languages ” or tools members of
the team have in common. For example, I ask if members of the team
have a working knowledge of Myers Briggs Type Inventory or another
Jungian tool; a shared 360 assessment instrument such as Cornerstones,
Benchmarks, Hogan, Confl ict Dynamics Profi le; or self - assessments like
Thomas - Killman Inventory or Alexander Hiam ’ s Dealing with Confl ict
Instrument.
After doing an inventory of the team ’ s existing tools, it is essential
to organize a refresher for one or more of those tools as well as ensure
that new members of the team are given the same materials. Frequently
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Team Confl ict Competence 211
I fi nd that one or more of these classic tools are poorly understood or
only presented in the abstract; the refresher gives the team members
a motivation to anchor the material and an opportunity to internalize it
within the context of our approaching work together. If it is a new team
or if no investment has been previously made in assessments or tools,
I recommend that we administer at least one before beginning our work
together. In either case, this step must be both time and cost effective
to allow the group to move forward with the confl ict management and
collaborative problem - solving work.
With executive teams or small - to medium - sized intact working
groups, I frequently ask each member of the team to pull together a per-
sonal package of their assessments and tools and do some preparatory
self - refl ection, including journaling:
“ What do I bring to the team that benefi ts our work together? ”
“ What do I bring to the team that might be counterproductive to
its work or that I might need to use more or less of to make us more
effective? ”
Bringing the group together, we go through a norming exercise,
review the principles of their existing and new tools — which I refer to
as “ third languages ” — and discuss the benefits of using those tools
to help reduce counterproductive emotion or personalization of issues.
Whenever possible, I provide groups with their normative strengths and
predictable weaknesses or challenges.
Typically, I instruct the group in a consensus - building technique such
as the commonly used fi ve - fi nger model. The Five Finger Method is often
attributed to the Society of Friends. It is not only useful for building con-
sensus, it is also the most effi cient method I ’ ve found of getting feedback
from groups of any size and of systematically managing both support
and concerns. This simple system is based on a proposal being offered
to the group, followed by each person in the group raising the appro-
priate fi nger(s) to indicate his or her view on that proposal. Thumbs - up
is “ strongly agree, ” two fingers (the V sign) is “ agree, ” three fingers
is “ can live with it, ” four fingers is “ I have a question, comment, or
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence212
concern, ” and fi ve fi ngers is “ No — I block this. ” Trust must be present
for this method to work, yet it ’ s highly effective and will build trust over
time when used effectively.
It ’ s only at this point that we are ready to begin the work of interest -
based problem solving. It ’ s essential to show the team and then model
for and with them — often over an extended period of time — effective
and proven collaborative models.
The team learns to use and prove the effectiveness of a classic col-
laborative problem - solving model and uses this model as their default
approach to meetings and challenges. The essential steps include:
1. Identifying stakeholders
2. Refi ning and prioritizing issues together
3. Hearing their stories and sometimes doing fact fi nding
4. Sorting out the positions and interests of each stakeholder
5. Exploring options
6. Ground testing those options the group chooses
7. Moving toward workable win - win solutions
My goal in this sort of team intervention has been to work myself out
of a job. That is, to help each team see the value of learning, sharing,
and internalizing one or more third languages, then providing them
with classic interest - based problem - solving methods and modeling these
methods for and with them, using their real issues until they become
competent at using the models. Teams can then continue to expand their
capacity by bringing new members into the language and methods as
well as by periodically investing in new languages and tools, thus enrich-
ing their team ’ s creativity, productivity, and enjoyment.
Corporate Culture Clash
We often think of cultural confl icts in terms of national differences. Yet, some
of the most diffi cult confl icts emerge when companies merge. Their respective
cultural differences can cause suspicions and make it hard for people to work
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Team Confl ict Competence 213
together. This is often exacerbated when a focus on the fi nancial elements of a
merger is not matched by suffi cient attention to the people elements.
Our colleague Mary Khosh, a psychologist and organizational development
trainer, shared an example of how to deal with this phenomenon.
A large, traditional, international pharmaceutical company acquired a
smaller innovative informal U.S. pharmaceutical company headquartered
in a western state. There was a need to merge the workforce of the giant
company with the workforce of the smaller and very specialized drug
company without interrupting the work and destroying the innovative
culture of the smaller company. Employees were nervous about the
impact of the change and worried that what they enjoyed about their
work (casual environment and easy communication) would be eliminated.
These concerns could have presented signifi cant morale problems and
turnover. They were resolved, though, by holding weekly town hall meet-
ings in the western headquarters of the smaller company. Arrangements
were made so that every employee could watch live or online. Questions
could be asked by anyone companywide. The meetings were archived so
employees could watch them again. Everyone was told that all questions
would be respected and no questions were off-limits.
An abundance of communications and attention to employee concerns is an
excellent step in preventing destructive confl icts from occurring in merger and ac-
quisition contexts. Our advice is, don ’ t wait for confl icts to emerge. Expect cultural
differences to cause concerns and meet them head on through communications
and constructive confl ict engagement.
Norms for Managing Confl icts Involving Team Members from Different Cultures
As with other team conflict challenges, we recommend developing norms for
how the team wants to address confl ict issues that involve cultural differences. In
general, we suggest including norms that recognize the cultural differences as
natural and respect the authenticity of each culture ’ s particular approach toward
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence214
confl ict. It is helpful to recognize that intercultural confl ict can be complex and that
it is important to slow things down when it is recognized. This allows participants
time to sort through things and try to make sense of them. We encourage working
to understand one another and not try to force solutions too quickly. It should
be recognized that language differences can make it more diffi cult to develop un-
derstanding. It may be appropriate to turn to outside help from consultants like
Maya, Curtis, or Michael to help sort things out. There is no one right way to
handle confl ict between people from different cultures. If the team has worked
to develop trust and collaboration among its members, team members will be
more willing to have faith in the good intentions of other teammates, and this will
help overcome misunderstandings caused by the cultural differences.
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215
Organizational Confl ict Competence
In Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader we discussed how lead-ers could champion organizational conflict competence and discussed the basic elements associated with systemic treatment of
organizational confl ict. In this chapter we look at the subject again
through the viewpoint of practitioners. We look at the nature of
organizational conflict competence, the benefits that accrue from
it, and what it takes to change organizational culture and systems
to enable more effective confl ict management. We will also look in
some depth at one of the fi nest examples of integrated confl ict man-
agement systems design and implementation at the Transportation
Security Administration (TSA).
In our earlier book, we noted that leaders can have a big impact on corporate
culture in general and the way an organization deals with confl ict more specifi -
cally. When leaders look at confl ict as a zero - sum game, their organizations tend
to take a more adversarial approach to confl ict management. On the other hand,
when leaders prefer to seek win - win outcomes, their organizations more often
use collaborative problem - solving approaches (Lipsky, Seeber, and Fincher, 2003).
We believe that the latter approach lends itself to development of organizational
confl ict competence and the benefi ts this competence can bring.
� c h a p t e r
S I X
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence216
So exactly what is organizational confl ict competence? As we mentioned in
Chapter One , it involves creating a culture that supports our “ cool down, slow
down, and engage constructively ” model. It also includes aligning mission, poli-
cies, training programs, performance standards, and reward structures to rein-
force these approaches. Finally, it includes developing systems to support cultural
change and for managing confl icts that become too intense for individuals to
manage on their own. This enables a “ shift to a systematic focus on relationship
management, and early resolution of confl ict at the lowest possible level ” (Lynch,
2005). Deborah Katz, TSA ’ s Director of the Offi ce of Collaborative Strategies,
provides an excellent description of its essence: “ I cannot stress enough that
enabling interests and concerns to surface, be heard with respect and discussed
constructively not only supports employees, it supports the entire organization
and should be a critical component of any approach to risk management and
organizational development ” (International Institute for Confl ict Prevention &
Resolution, 2009, p. 102).
BENEFITS OF ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT COMPETENCE
When an organization effectively manages confl ict, it can cut down on costs from
wasted management time, turnover, absenteeism, presenteeism, lost productivity,
lawsuits, vandalism, and violence. It can increase creativity and collaboration,
improve relationships and morale, and enhance decision quality and implemen-
tation efforts. When interpersonal issues are not allowed to fester and organiza-
tional issues are allowed to be aired, employees become more engaged, trust is
improved, dialogue and collaboration expand, and people become effective prob-
lem solvers. The pain and stress of confl ict can be eased (International Institute
for Confl ict Prevention & Resolution, 2009). In the case of TSA, the overrid-
ing need was to manage risk by enabling concerns and issues to be raised and
addressed as swiftly as possible. If confl icts kept people from discussing serious
security issues, the results could be disastrous. As Katz notes, “ Enforcing expecta-
tions that executives and managers create an environment that is respectful and
open to new or unwelcome ideas is critical to any organization ’ s risk manage-
ment efforts. Examine virtually any catastrophic organizational failure, and you
will almost always fi nd that at least one person in the organization had doubts
or concerns that could have averted disaster ” (International Institute for Confl ict
Prevention & Resolution, 2009, p. 91).
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 217
An Example of the Benefi ts of Effective Confl ict Management
Cindy Koehn is the director of human resources at the Corrections Corporation
of America (CCA). One of her tasks is helping staff at prisons deal with confl icts
more effectively. As Cindy notes, “ People who work in correctional institutions
know that confl ict is inevitable and often stressful. They live it every day. ” She told
us a story about a training program she conducted in one of CCA ’ s facilities that
involved the warden, department heads, and senior correctional offi cers (Craig ’ s
conversation with Cindy Koehn July 20, 2009). The facility was undergoing expan-
sion, which always brings about additional stress.
The program placed specific emphasis on slowing down and constructive
engagement practices. Cindy used the CDP instrument with participants and
focused on the behavior of delayed responding as a technique to help people calm
down before saying something that could escalate conflicts. Once people had
regained their composure, they were then encouraged to use reaching out
and perspective taking behaviors in order to engage the issue and better under-
stand the differences that were at the heart of the confl icts.
Before the program, Cindy had been receiving a number of complaints from
employees related to different confl icts. Soon after the program was implemented,
there was a 70 percent drop in the number of complaints, and the remaining
complaints were generally less serious. This example demonstrates some of the
benefi ts that constructive engagement can bring.
ADDRESSING CONFLICT SYSTEMATICALLY
Team conflict is typically more complex (although not necessarily harder) to
manage than interpersonal confl ict. Creating the right climate and constructive
norms is a key to addressing team confl ict effectively. When taken to an organi-
zational level, creating the right culture and reinforcing constructive behavioral
approaches to confl ict remain a key element of confl ict competence, but the pro-
cess for achieving them is more complex still. The use of integrated confl ict man-
agement systems (ICMS) helps address this complexity and achieve the cultural
change that is essential for success. Key aspects of such systems include:
Provides multiple options for how to raise and address confl icts
Fosters a culture that welcomes dissent and encourages resolution at the lowest
point at the earliest time
•
•
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence218
Allows for multiple access points to the system
Incorporates systemic support and structures that coordinate access to and use
of the various options to address confl ict
Supports confi dentiality and safety (Gosline and others, 2000)
An ICMS includes alternative dispute resolution (ADR) but it is much more.
Indeed, most of its value derives from the parts that serve to prevent destructive
confl ict and help promote the constructive resolution of differences. The focus
in an ICMS is on changing an organization ’ s cultural norms around confl ict that
shape how people work together, manage their differences, and resolve problems. It
promotes surfacing concerns and issues as a means of developing creative resolu-
tions. When these issues are surfaced, it provides leaders with a much better sense
of what is going on in an organization than when the problems stay submerged
and arise in crises. Systemic issues can be identifi ed sooner. As Deborah Katz says
to leaders, “ You have a choice. You can be the fi rst to know or the last to know
what is going on in your organization. It depends on whether you have created an
environment in which issues and concerns can be raised with confi dence that they
will be received respectfully and responsibly ” (International Institute for Confl ict
Prevention & Resolution, 2009, p. 88).
THE TSA EXPERIENCE
The Transportation Security Administration was created in 2001 and has respon-
sibility for security for all modes of transportation. Among other responsibilities,
it provides passenger and baggage screening for 450 commercial airports in the
United States. TSA, which is part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security,
has more than 43,000 employees. It began work on its ICMS in 2003. We appre-
ciate the access that TSA has provided us for this book. In addition to Deborah
Katz, we were able to speak with Diane Ditzler, Program Manager, and Ruth Britt,
Confl ict Management Specialist, from TSA ’ s Model Workplace Program Offi ce
(MWPO), and with Jennifer Lynch, who served as the key outside consultant dur-
ing the fi rst few years of the effort.
The key components of TSA ’ s integrated confl ict management system can be
summed up as skills, structure, and support. The skills component involves help-
ing all employees develop conflict management and communication skills, as
well as helping supervisors and managers develop a higher level of cooperative
•
•
•
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 219
problem - solving skills to help them routinely use an interest - based approach to
addressing workplace issues. Additional skills are developing internal practitioners
across the organization in facilitation, coaching, and mediation, which builds inter-
nal capacity that enables TSA to provide internal confl ict management services
throughout the agency.
The structure component of the ICMS refers to practices and processes that allow
issues to be raised and addressed either informally or as needed in more formal
ways through a traditional alternative dispute resolution system. Employees are pro-
vided with confi dential and anonymous options for raising concerns. There are also
work groups and employee councils that can address group - related concerns. These
options are available in local settings as well as on the national level.
The support component involves creating an environment that encourages peo-
ple to raise issues and protects them against retaliation when they do. This includes
having leaders model and reinforce the practices and behaviors that are espoused
as part of the model. This type of modeling gives leaders credibility to champion
widespread adoption of the ICMS within the organization (International Institute
for Confl ict Prevention & Resolution, 2009).
ICMS support includes providing governance and coordination for system
implementation and sustainment efforts, strategic and ongoing communication
about the system, and ongoing assessment and evaluation for monitoring progress
and planning for continuous improvement.
A major aspect to ICMS support is integrating the core principles of the ICMS
so that they become embedded in all organizational processes and practices. The
core principles, outlined in a TSA management directive and fi rmly established as
organizational policy, include Prohibition of Retaliation, Voluntary Participation,
Protection of Confidentiality and Privacy, Collaborative Decision Making,
Impartiality of Neutrals, as well as Qualifi cations and Training of Neutrals, and
Diversity and Accessibility.
As the ICMS has taken hold at TSA, the confl ict management practices have
begun to be aligned with the TSA mission and its hiring and promotion practices,
performance management processes, and reward and recognition structure. This
integration of the ICMS into the larger organizational culture marks its transforma-
tion from an interesting new approach to a core competency of the organization.
Another principle that is a unique feature of TSA ’ s ICMS evolved through work
with the early adopter sites. In ongoing dialogue in the earlier years of development,
team members struggled with how to get middle management to routinely think
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence220
about the need to involve stakeholders to ensure fair processes and open commu-
nications regarding decision making. One team member, Scott Lorenzo from Port
Columbus International Airport, said, “ It is really pretty simple — they just need to
remember to be fair, inclusive, and transparent. ” Diane Ditzler adds, “ Thus was born
the FIT test, ” which is now codifi ed in TSA policy with the following defi nition:
The FIT Test: TSA expects that decisions will meet the FIT test, i.e.,
decision making processes and practices will be fair and, to the fullest
extent possible, inclusive and transparent [excerpt from TSA Manage-
ment Directive 1100.00 – 5].
At TSA, it has become everyone ’ s responsibility to raise concerns. One way this
has been accomplished dates back to the original design workshop. As the group
wrestled with how to frame and educate others about the ICMS, one team came
up with the notion that the ICMS really could be cast as “ I C Me in the Solution. ”
This catchphrase embodies several meanings, all reinforcing that it is everyone ’ s
responsibility to be a part of the process in dealing with confl icts and issues that
arise in the normal span of our workday. Following are the statements that appear
on the “ I C Me in the Solution ” poster sent to all fi eld locations:
I am responsible for raising concerns, recognizing and resolving confl ict and
making TSA a Model Workplace.
I alone am not the solution: I am part of the solution.
I have the skills I need to raise and resolve issues and concerns.
I know where to go with an issue or concern.
I am confi dent I will be listened to respectfully.
I am confi dent my interests and relevant input will be considered when deci-
sions are made that affect me.
Considering that most people prefer to avoid dealing with conflict, this
amounts to a big change. One thing that helped people make this change
was a message that simplifi ed what raising concerns meant. It is called the 4R
model and includes recognizing that there is a problem, responding to it with
respect, resolving or managing the issue, and refl ecting on what caused it and how
it was able to be resolved. Figure 6.1 shows a poster of the 4R model. Since the 4Rs
are everyone ’ s responsibility, the model helps interpersonal issues get raised so
that they don ’ t fester and become larger problems. It also represents a method of
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Figure 6.1 The Four Rs of Confl ict Management
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence222
creating a simplifi ed way of explaining what could have been a complex process.
It helps make the approach more understandable and accessible.
The ICMS emphasizes engagement and cooperative problem solving.
Collaborative problem solving is encompassed in a collaborative problem - solving
graphic that shows the elements of interest - based problem solving in the shape of
a wheel. The parts of the wheel include raising the issue, uncovering the interests
of the parties, exploring options to resolve the problem, and deciding on a solution.
Figure 6.2 shows the wheel with a line between the raising of the issue and deciding
on a solution components to help people from jumping too quickly to a solution.
Design and Implementation
TSA leaders provided the initial support that allowed the ICMS effort to begin.
The MWPO knew they had to build buy - in and chose to start working with peo-
ple in the fi eld. They would collaborate with people at airports who had interest
and enthusiasm about the concept and leaders whose personal leadership style and
approach mirrored that of the ICMS principles. Regardless of the motivation —
excitement about dealing with confl ict more effectively or pain from experiencing
so much dysfunctional confl ict — the MWPO went “ where the energy was. ”
Jennifer Lynch, the ICMS external consultant, urged being fl exible and inclusive
and to model interest - based approaches to problem solving at every step along the
way. This approach helped expand buy - in and led to many innovations from fi eld
staff, who were experts on their working environments. They didn ’ t look for cookie
cutter approaches. Although some core concepts applied to all situations, fl exibility
was allowed in how they were implemented. The process became the product.
They started by convening an initial meeting with several early adopters. As Katz
described it, “ We held a design workshop with cross - functional teams from 11 airports
that had volunteered to be pilot sites. They proposed a basic design including confl ict
management training for all, confl ict coaching training for some, a communication
strategy, a plan for establishing a baseline and evaluating progress, and various
options customized to local site needs. The optional techniques included peer review
panels to be used in the grievance process, local employees ’ councils and other work
groups, and confi dential ‘ concern forms ’ to raise issues outside the chain of com-
mand ” (International Institute for Confl ict Prevention & Resolution, 2009, p. 89).
One of the key elements of the design was a half - day course in confl ict manage-
ment available to all employees. We asked Diane Ditzler and Ruth Britt about what
seemed to catch people ’ s attention in the course. The fi rst concerned an exercise in
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Fi g
u re
6 .2
T S A
’s C
P S W
h e e l
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence224
which participants listed confl icts they experienced or had seen in the workplace.
They wrote them on Post - it notes that were put on the wall, categorized as indi-
vidual, group, or organizational issues, and then discussed. The process seemed to
free people up and led to a feeling that it was all right to talk about confl ict — no
small breakthrough! The second element was picking a confl ict and using the prin-
ciples and processes of interest - based negotiations to fi gure out how to deal with it.
Additionally, local coordinators developed a “ Top Ten ” list of the group and organi-
zational issues, which provided leadership and the new local councils with a place
to begin work. Showing some early successes on group confl icts that resonated with
a majority of employees provided the initial impetus to get solid grounding for the
implementation teams to build out the full system. Once again, it demonstrated a
new approach to managing and resolving confl icts that captured people ’ s interest
and provided avenues to address major workplace issues in meaningful ways (Craig ’ s
conversation with D. Ditzler and R. Britt, July 1, 2009).
In addition to initial training, efforts have been made to reinforce the lessons.
In some airports, home - grown visuals have started to appear that underscore the
key aspects of the ICMS. At the Milwaukee airport, supervisors now provide a
monthly report on ICMS principles they have put into place. These are shared
with all supervisors so they can benefi t from others ’ best practices. The reporting
process has helped with the adoption of common language to describe confl ict
management behaviors, which itself reinforces understanding.
Efforts have continued to build internal capacity to train, facilitate, and coach
others. Having peers involved in these processes has added credibility. One - shot
training is not enough. These ongoing efforts to help people put constructive be-
haviors into action are critical, as are efforts to maintain a supportive environ-
ment for raising and addressing issues.
After a few years, the core team recognized the need to solidify and institu-
tionalize the gains that had been made. While individual responses to confl ict
had improved, there was a need to enhance the integration of the ICMS into all
areas at TSA. They began development of a way to visualize the entire path of
implementation and the evolutionary nature of that work. This led to the cre-
ation of the ICMS Maturity Model. It spells out in more detail the foundational
work needed to build to higher levels of performance and effectiveness in con-
fl ict management, issue resolution, and organizational change. The model and
accompanying tools provide specific information on observable milestones
and activities necessary to achieve different levels of effectiveness in implementing
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225Organizational Confl ict Competence
the ICMS (see Figure 6.3 ). They also provide behavioral indicators for various
actions. As such, the Maturity Model becomes a “ road map with goals, landmarks,
and directions ” (International Institute for Confl ict Prevention & Resolution,
2009, p. 89). This provides a basis for measuring effectiveness at sites. Assessment
and evaluation of the entire program in light of its objectives is also part of the
ICMS strategy, and TSA has contracted with an outside third party to evaluate
the success of the program thus far.
The process of integrating the ICMS into the overall TSA culture has also
begun. Team members appreciate that the base of knowledge provided by the
ICMS is helping TSA accomplish its overall mission. When problems and
issues are raised and addressed, people feel more engaged and help create solu-
tions that enable the organization to function more smoothly and effectively.
Confl ict competencies, including behavioral indicators, are reviewed in relation
to hiring, promotion, performance management, recognition, and rewards. This
alignment represents a transformative stage in the evolution of an ICMS, where
it becomes an integral part of an organizational culture rather than a new project
or program.
Practical Advice
When implementing an ICMS, it can be challenging to resist the temptations of
trying to move too fast or limit the effort to a specifi c outcome. An ICMS that
grows organically has the best chance of success. This requires allowing time for
involvement by a wide range of stakeholders, including those who champion and
lead implementation, those who use the system and those who own processes
within the system or are affected by the system (for example, offi ces that man-
age alternative dispute resolution practices, the training department, and human
resource process owners). When you are able to get their participation and buy - in
to the process, you are able to draw from their experience and insights to dev-
elop approaches that will be more readily accepted. These groups will also help
devise ways of recognizing and overcoming resistance. The TSA staff found this
to be particularly true when early adopters as well as skeptics were included in
the design and implementation phases. By listening to the input of stakeholders
and being willing to make changes that emerged from discussions, the staff was
able to adjust the ICMS so it could be most benefi cial to various TSA locations.
All this takes patience and a recognition that developing an ICMS is a marathon
rather than a sprint. It involves a great deal of ongoing dialogue — both talking
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Fi g
u re
6 .3
T S A
’ s I
C M
S M
a tu
ri ty
M o
d e l
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 227
and listening. If not rushed, it can help an organization build a sustainable model
for long - term success.
When asked for suggestions to others who are contemplating creating an ICMS,
Diane Ditzler and Ruth Britt recommended making the most of one ’ s opportunities.
To do this one needs to be open and fl exible. Ditzler and Britt cited a session that
had become know as the “ Lost in Translation ” meeting. The session involved the fi rst
ICMS coordinators at the pilot sites who were struggling with local ICMS implemen-
tation. In particular, team members at the sites were confused about the approach, and
the coordinators were having a hard time explaining the system to local leaders
and team members. The coordinators expressed a need to reframe the ICMS in sim-
pler language. The MWPO used this opportunity to apply collaborative problem -
solving skills, to have everyone at the meetings be open to not knowing the answer
and to working collaboratively to come up with one. This enabled everyone to experi-
ence the power of the approach and confi rmed the validity of what they were doing.
It also enabled them to come up with practical and effective answers to the issues they
have been facing. Two takeaways from this meeting were that the MWPO had a new
model for explaining the ICMS and a valuable lesson in the power of the model: that
using these opportunities to practice what they preach, trust in the system, and model
the skills inherent in the ICMS model can be fruitful and help in addressing key issues
that arise (Craig ’ s conversation with D. Ditzler and R. Britt, July 1, 2009).
While the emphasis in this section has been on TSA ’ s system of dealing with
confl ict, it is important not to lose sight of the personal impacts that effective con-
fl ict management can have. They are nicely put in a statement Eileen Lundgren, a
TSA confl ict coach, wrote in 2006.
What I Learned from Confl ict in 2006
I have learned that confl ict is not a bad thing
and it does not make you a bad person.
I have learned that my unfulfi lled expectations are my own,
I can give up my stand of being right,
and be neutral in the situation.
I refl ect back on the beauty of my growth and development of
becoming an extraordinary person through confl ict
when I let go of judgment and celebrate that being human we
both want the same things—to feel valued and loved.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence228
I will listen differently and be more present to the words
instead of allowing my past experience to infl uence how
the person is showing up for me.
I will ask more open-ended questions
to clarify how I perceived the meaning of the words.
I will not react next time but respond.
I will stay in the now, use my active listening skills,
and let go—it is not personal.
The behavior I want to change is to acknowledge the person
that I am in confl ict with and let them know that it made a difference
in my life.
Eileen Lundgren,
Confl ict Coach (DEN)
CHALLENGES OF MANAGING ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT
The TSA example represents a success story that is still in progress. TSA staff have
had to meet a number of obstacles along the way. The challenges of developing
and implementing an ICMS can be formidable. While we believe such systems
hold great potential, we recognize that they represent a signifi cant effort that can
prevent organizations from taking the fi rst step.
Richard Fincher is a full - time mediator and arbitrator of workplace disputes and
litigation. He has a national consulting practice assisting organizations in establish-
ing and evaluating confl ict management systems. We appreciate his contribution,
which addresses the organizational challenges that ICMS implementations face.
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SYSTEMS IN THE WORKPLACE: A PROMISE UNFULFILLED
In 2003, two academic researchers (David Lipsky and Ronald Seeber of
Cornell University) and a practitioner (myself) published a textbook titled
Emerging Systems for Managing Workplace Confl ict: Lessons from American
Corporations for Managers and Dispute Resolution Professionals (Jossey -
Bass). The content and observations in the text were the results of
research and onsite interviews with a variety of organizational leaders,
including CEOs, CFOs, general counsels, and human resource offi cers.
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 229
At that time, numerous large employers — including General Electric,
Prudential, Eastman Kodak, Exelon, Shell, Halliburton, FMC, as well as
several universities — had implemented various forms of workplace sys-
tems. All of these systems provided a multistep confl ict resolution model,
including mediation. Some models included voluntary arbitration, and
most models included mandatory arbitration. From other researchers,
there was soft data suggesting that more employees were employed
under these workplace confl ict management systems than there were
employees employed under collective bargaining agreements.
Original Premise
The premise of the book was that progressive organizations were moving
“ beyond ADR. ” As described by coauthor David Lipsky, “ Organizations
weren ’ t simply using mediation, arbitration, or other third - party tech-
niques to resolve disputes, but had developed comprehensive, integrated
confl ict management systems. These systems put the emphasis on man-
aging confl ict rather than merely resolving confl ict. They usually involve
elaborate internal procedures to handle confl ict before it ever reaches
an arbitrator, mediator, or other outsider. In an integrated confl ict man-
agement system (ICMS), the organization takes a proactive approach to
confl ict within the organization, rather than a reactive one. ”
The tone of the book was optimistic. As ADR researchers, we
believed ICMS has the potential to reshape the nature of the American
workplace and be part of a new social contract. While acknowledging
that employers were motivated to establish workplace systems for a
variety of reasons, we were attracted to such expressed motivations as
employee engagement, quality improvement, employer branding, and
a new cultural norm. We pondered whether these emerging workplace
systems had reached the “ tipping point ” in American business or legal
culture.
Acknowledged Barriers
Our research acknowledged several concerns about the future of
integrated confl ict management systems. One chapter in the text was
dedicated to these anticipated barriers to the growth of workplace sys-
tems. Three representative quotes from that chapter:
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence230
“ There is nothing inevitable about the ultimate triumph of ADR in
the workplace. ”
“ Without further institutionalization, ADR may prove to be a transi-
tory phase rather than a permanent shift in corporate confl ict man-
agement. ”
“ Our research demonstrates that dispute management over-
whelms confl ict management as the dominant mode of corporate
behavior. ”
In this chapter, we noted the potential barriers to growth of ICMS,
including that some organizations view conflict as an exception or an
aberration and do not buy into the logic of the ICMS; some organizations
do not welcome disputes over rights; and while no one denies confl ict res-
olution costs money, some organizations disconnect the cost of resolving
employee litigation from the cost of a preventative program. Additional
barriers included that some CEOs fear a fl ood of employee complaints: if
you build it, they will come; opposition to workplace systems by some labor
unions; and the paucity of hard data research from existing systems, requir-
ing a leap of faith by internal champions. One fi nal barrier was that ADR
systems never become embedded in the corporate culture because the or-
ganizations selectively embrace ADR for some uses (for example, employ-
ment) but reject it for other uses (for example, product liability).
The View from Today
We have not formally updated our data since publishing our text. How-
ever, we continue to consult in the fi eld and have a signifi cant amount of
anecdotal observation. In hindsight, our original view about the future
of workplace systems was overly optimistic. Many of the barriers we anti-
cipated have come true. While most employers who had workplace systems
in 2003 still have them (and appear satisfi ed with their effi cacy), there has
been no expansion of the movement across the country. Today, there are
few articles in legal or HR journals about ICMS for the workplace. Fewer
academics are researching the concept. The new focus is on fairness in
workplace arbitration, prompted by the proposed Arbitration Fairness Act,
which would eliminate mandatory arbitration of employment disputes.
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 231
What Has Happened in Five Years?
Why has the movement toward workplace systems stalled after an
explosive spurt of acceptance? Was it merely a phase? Was the problem
structural (how it was organized and funded and evaluated) rather than
conceptual? Have events superseded its original value?
The following are my perceived reasons for the lack of growth of
integrated confl ict management systems in the workplace. Some factors
were identifi ed in our text, while other reasons are new.
1. Institutional memory about the original reason (precipitating
justifi cation) for creating the workplace system has been lost.
Some workplace systems were originally created as a response to some
major event, such as settlement of a class action lawsuit, a difficult
merger of two organizations, a labor dispute, or a scandal involving
employee relations. Memories fade quickly in corporate America, and an
attitude arises of “ That is old history. ”
2. Resistance from internal corporate stakeholders was stronger
than anticipated, particularly the law department and HR
department.
This barrier was clearly anticipated in the original research. Although
law schools have slowly embraced ADR, most practicing attorneys have
a “ rights - based orientation ” to their jobs. They understand but do not
intuitively value a preventative focus in the law. The same could be
said for human resource executives, who today see their primary role
as instruments of business strategy and less employee engagement
and morale. Both professions may view workplace systems as a
loss of control for them. Of course, there are exceptions to any
characterization.
3. Turnover or departure of original champions and program
leadership has left gaps in ongoing institutional support.
There are several examples of workplace systems that fl oundered due to
the turnover of their original champions or original leaders. When the
original champion or original program director retires or relocates,
the workplace system may be moved lower in the organization, or
defunded, or staffed with a lower - level executive with less infl uence.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence232
4. Two problems have arisen concerning mandatory employment
arbitration as the last step of the system: companies with
mandatory arbitration clauses have received public criticism due to
perceived unfairness, and management (with legal advice) reverted
back to a legalistic attitude favoring disposition of employment
disputes by legal maneuvering.
As noted previously, the majority of workplace systems established in the
2000 – 2003 time period included mandatory arbitration. One of the uneasy
questions about employer motivation about workplace systems is whether
“ it was all about arbitration, ” even though 98 percent of all workplace
disputes are resolved during the negotiation or mediation steps. Clearly,
mandatory employment arbitration is under attack due to concerns about
fairness and public policy. In addition, employers seem to be regressing
to a more power - based attitude toward employee confl ict, seeking legal
means to quash confl ict rather than take the time to embrace and resolve
it. Bottom line, those employers who embraced workplace systems due to
arbitration are now thinking twice about the decision.
5. The range of motivations toward systems narrowed: at one time
the motivations included productivity, employee retention, quality
improvement, culture building, and even branding as an employer
of choice. Those reasons are not mentioned anymore.
This observation reinforces our original view that ADR has generally been
viewed by employers more as a reactive response rather than a strategic
choice. However, coauthor David Lipsky has a contradictory theory. His
view: In the beginning, corporations had a sharp focus on saving the time
and money associated with litigation. Those two goals justifi ed the pro-
gram. Later, an expanded range of motivations may have raised unreason-
able expectations and diluted the sharp focus of earlier approaches, and
led to contradictory prescriptions on how best to serve all of those ends.
6. Hard research data from universities or corporations to justify
cost savings is not available. Most corporate ADR systems do not
invest in evaluation of their outcomes.
Workplace systems have knowable costs but uncertain benefi ts. Corporate
leaders demand data to support business decisions. With few exceptions,
most workplace systems did not invest in such data, or instead gave it lip
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Organizational Confl ict Competence 233
service. When budget reductions occurred, there was not the hard data
needed for the systems to survive the cuts.
7. Support from outside employment law fi rms regressed, as they
never valued confl ict management systems and disparaged the idea.
Five years ago, it was common to hear defense employment attorneys
complain about the waste of time and money in the litigation process
and praise clients who had a preventative focus. Today, that theme has
disappeared. At legal conventions, defense employment attorneys now
praise the use of motion practice to knock out most employment cases.
Within the defense bar, there is a general disdain toward the motivation
of plaintiffs. Today, the defense fi rms discourage arbitration, because in
theory some arbitrators disfavor motions to dismiss. The irony of this
observation is that the top twenty - fi ve employment law fi rms today all
represent themselves as offering expertise in ADR.
So What Is the Future of Workplace Systems?
In the short term, we do not expect to see a reemergence of workplace
systems. The barriers outlined in our book, together with the barriers
described, are overwhelming the perceived opportunities. However,
I remain optimistic. In that much of life is cyclical, I can foresee a new era
of workplace systems, perhaps different than the prior era. Described
next are five possible scenarios that could encourage employers to
embrace the benefi ts of workplace systems.
One scenario involves a backlash by employees against fi nancial cor-
porations tainted by the recent U.S. fi nancial meltdown and associated
images of greed. In an effort to reduce or address employee discontent,
these fi nancial corporations may draw attention to protections they offer
that address both internal process justice and distributive justice through
workplace systems.
Another scenario involves employers using workplace systems to col-
laborate with labor unions. Contrary to common perception, unions can
embrace workplace systems that do not infringe on rights within the col-
lective bargaining agreement.
A third scenario involves potential passage of the federal Arbitration
Fairness Act, which would eliminate the enforceability of arbitration for
employment disputes. As of September 2009, the Arbitration Fairness
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence234
Act is being vetted through various committees in Congress. A recent
lawsuit between the State of Minnesota and the National Arbitration
Forum over ties to consumer groups has increased the likelihood of
some form of passage. The ACR Board of Directors has commissioned a
national taskforce to explore options concerning the AFA. A recommen-
dation will be made to the board in early 2010. This issue is being greatly
overshadowed by health care legislation.
Without the option of mandatory arbitration, some employers may
place more emphasis on mediation and other preventative measures to
avoid court litigation.
A fourth scenario involves the expected growth in union organizing
which may accompany the federal Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA).
Some version of EFCA is expected to become law, and some employers
may embrace workplace systems to convey a culture of internal justice
and due process. As of September 2009, the proposed Employee Free
Choice Act is stalled in Congress. Resistance to the card check provision
has been more intense than was anticipated by the sponsors. Some labor
law reform is still expected to pass Congress is 2010. The issue is being
greatly overshadowed by health care legislation.
A final scenario involves the eventual rebound of our economy. In a
down economy, most employees keep their heads down and hesitate to sue
their employers. In a growing economy, employees have more confi dence
to push their rights. As our economy recovers, employers may preempt this
litigation - prone environment by embracing workplace systems.
Note: Dick acknowledges the insightful contributions of Professor David Lipsky and Professor Ronald Seeber of Cornell University. The author also thanks War- ren Cunningham (formerly of Raytheon Corporation) for his insights as well.
CULTURE AUDITS
In order to know what changes need to be made to an organization ’ s confl ict cul-
ture, it is fi rst necessary to understand the current culture. Every organization has
one, although they are implicit in most. If you ask people, they can tell you how they
think confl ict is handled in their organization, even if the vision and mission say
something quite different. However, different people may provide you with different
pictures depending on their position and location in the organization. Sometimes
c06.indd 234c06.indd 234 12/19/09 12:06:41 PM12/19/09 12:06:41 PM
Organizational Confl ict Competence 235
it is necessary to fi rst conduct a culture audit to get a better sense of where things
stand. Mike Bice, Senior Health Care Fellow at the Center for Confl ict Dynamics,
shares his experience with a cultural audit of a health care organization.
REGIONAL MEDICAL CENTER CULTURAL AUDIT
I was hired by the new CEO of the Regional Medical Center (RMC), to
conduct a cultural audit. He had been hired to reverse the fortunes of
an ailing medical center and had been on the job for eighteen months.
Try as he might, he could not change the culture to realize his vision of a
market - leading, high - quality provider as rapidly as he ’ d like. There was
a gap between his vision and the operating reality, and he was eager
to fully understand the nature of the gap and to develop interventions to
alter the historical culture.
A department head meeting was held prior to the audit to allow
me to present my model of the culture change process. The CEO then
announced that I had been retained to conduct a cultural audit and that
the fi ndings of the audit would be presented to the group upon comple-
tion of the study.
The culture audit began with a document review. The review included
the current HR policy manual, the process used to hire new employees,
employee newsletters, and CEO memos to employees for the previous
eighteen months. RMC annual reports for the previous three years were
studied, as well as minutes from the management executive committee
for the past twelve months. Two employee attitude surveys were exam-
ined, and the most recent Joint Commission survey was studied.
After this paper review, a series of structured interviews was held with
thirty individuals: ten from top management, ten from middle manage-
ment, and ten direct caregivers or care support staff. Since each person was
asked the same set of questions, there was an opportunity to compare and
contrast the answers for each group. Not surprisingly, there were material
differences between top management and the other two groupings.
The top management group “ got ” the CEO ’ s message, for the most part,
and were trying to move the organization forward. The other two groups
hadn ’ t internalized the CEO ’ s vision, and based on past experience, were
hunkering down until it was evident the new CEO meant business and was
c06.indd 235c06.indd 235 12/19/09 12:06:42 PM12/19/09 12:06:42 PM
Developing Your Confl ict Competence236
going to stay long enough to make signifi cant changes. All three groups
were unifi ed in one respect: they all described the historic culture in nearly
the same terms. A comparison of the historical culture and the desired cul-
ture was then prepared. Figure 6.4 shows the results of this comparison.
The next step in the process was to identify two high - leverage interven-
tions, which had the potential to change the organization ’ s culture. One
intervention fell in the human resources category (Human Relations Phi-
losophy) and the other fell into the organizational development category
(Enhance Innovation). In the fi rst instance, it became evident that the HR
department was fi rmly embedded in the old culture. Policies were based on
controlling behavior, and rigid rules and procedures were enforced. The HR
director was not a member of top management and probably could not have
passed muster as a contemporary CHRO. As the organization moved forward,
she was falling further and further behind. An early retirement package was
developed, and she accepted, after some counseling and due process.
The other intervention, Enhancing Innovation, began with a thorough
reordering of the organization ’ s system for handling employee suggestions.
Suggestion boxes were placed on all patient fl oors, in the cafeteria, and
inside the two main entrances to the facility. (Before this, there had been
Source: Mike Bice.
Figure 6.4 Regional Medical Center Culture Audit Findings
Reg ional Medical Center Culture Audit Findings
Old Culture
• People: Commodities • Social Enterprise • Weight of History • Cynicism • Control Behavior • Entitlement • Totem: Elephant
New Culture
• People: Valued Assets • Business Enterprise • Promise of the Future • Trust • Enable Behavior • Accountability • Totem: Eagle
c06.indd 236c06.indd 236 12/19/09 12:06:42 PM12/19/09 12:06:42 PM
Organizational Confl ict Competence 237
one suggestion box, located outside the HR office.) Every quarter, an
employee was recognized for suggesting an improvement, and a monetary
reward was given by the CEO at a department head meeting. Continuous
quality improvement (CQI) programming began, and achievement reports
were published widely. Team - building efforts were redoubled, with CQI and
daily, incremental improvements becoming part of the routine.
The fi nal step was to present the fi ndings of the cultural audit to the
department heads, after the program was underway and taking hold.
We were not interested in a one - off improvement but rather in sustained
changes. Today, the same CEO is in place, and the RMC has been recog-
nized as a market leader by JD Power & Associates.
THE LEADER ’ S ROLE IN ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT COMPETENCE
Cultural change is a key component of developing organizational confl ict compe-
tence. Leaders can play a big role in supporting this change. They can model the
constructive behaviors that make a difference in confl ict settings. They can serve
as coaches and mentors to help others improve their confl ict skills. Finally, they
can champion the organizational and cultural change processes needed to achieve
the comprehensive benefi ts of confl ict competence. Jean Wright is a coach and
organizational development practitioner who works with leaders to improve their
abilities to manage confl ict. She graciously shared her insights.
COACHING AND PRACTICING CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS: PATH TO UNEXPECTED DISCOVERIES
Machu Picchu, the Inca Lost City, was discovered by Hiram Bingham as
he searched for something else. Hiram Bingham and my coaching clients
share the experience of exploring and discovering something unexpected
that proved more powerful than their initial intention. The Conflict
Dynamics Profi le (CDP) opens an opportunity for clients to dig deeper
into some key beliefs that contribute to not just one specifi c confl ict but
to many of their workplace confl icts. By opening themselves to refl ec-
tion and challenging existing stories, coaching clients gain a greater
c06.indd 237c06.indd 237 12/19/09 12:06:42 PM12/19/09 12:06:42 PM
Developing Your Confl ict Competence238
awareness of themselves and how they contribute to confl ict. The CDP ’ s
constructive behavior responses are potential areas for client practice
during all phases of the coaching process.
Phase I: Exploration
Using open - ended questions, explore the client ’ s context of pre-
senting confl ict, internal confl ict, values, goals, and meaning mak-
ing. Client explores the presenting issue and sets a coaching goal,
which could be directly tied to one of the CDP behaviors or to a
current confl ict. Through this exploration, the client gains insight
into self. The coach may assist the client ’ s practice of several of the
CDP constructive responses: perspective taking, expressing emo-
tions, and refl ective thinking.
Application. This client ’ s position required listening to diverse groups
and considering their concerns — a hotbed of confl ict. During explo-
ration, this client revealed that he could listen for short durations
and stopped listening when he thought that he heard all he needed
to hear or started hearing impertinent information. The client also
revealed that he drove the conversation, focused mainly on facts,
discouraged hearing about “ personalities ” as they were “ insignifi -
cant, ” and easily became impatient with listening. The client made
physical body shifts when he talked about the “ fl uff ” in conversa-
tions. The distinction between “ fl uff ” and “ facts ” led the client to
question if he was missing valuable information. Client felt he was
operating in a “ fallacy ” that he listens but does not give it his full
attention. As the client told stories about work situations and how
he listened, I noticed and shared my observation about the types of
questions he asks and the imbedded suggestions of the “ right ” way
of doing something. We explored using open - ended questions and
the origin of his questions. We created an observation exercise to
notice what he says to himself when he is listening to others.
Phase II: New Awareness
Through refl ection and observations on current confl icts, the client be-
comes increasingly aware of their making meaning and the thinking
c06.indd 238c06.indd 238 12/19/09 12:06:43 PM12/19/09 12:06:43 PM
Organizational Confl ict Competence 239
and feeling behind the action; becomes aware of new sensations and
makes connections among three domains (mind, body, and language);
begins challenging his own assessments; realizes that the presenting
confl ict is rooted in something much deeper than was fi rst thought.
During this phase, the coach continues to build on perspective
taking, expressing emotions, and refl ective thinking, and the client
begins to notice behaviors connected with the CDP constructive
and destructive responses.
Application. The client practiced active, authentic listening and
quickly realized that he was missing information. He was hearing
what he wanted to hear and imposing his suggestions on others.
Some of the mental distractions included formulating responses
prior to the other person fi nishing his or her sentence, not paus-
ing to refl ect on what was said, assuming he already knew the
solution and situation, and holding assessments of the person and
situation. The client also recognized physical distractions to his
listening, such as people waiting in the hall, e - mail alerts, papers
on the desk, and so on. The client became more curious about
missing information and practiced listening with curiosity and
asking questions. The client created a list of strategies to focus
and refocus his listening and identifi ed conversations in which to
practice the strategies.
Phase III: Unexpected Discovery
My clients usually fi nd something unexpected and become more
self - directed in their learning. With anticipation and hope, one
of my clients said, “ This is going unexpected places. ” The client ’ s
unexpected discovery impacts the presenting confl ict and other
areas of his or her life. Client refl ections and self - observations are
strong and intentional; somatic work becomes a practice; between
sessions observations lead to new behavior; takes risks; adapts in
the moment or shortly after; and welcomes accountability.
I fi nd this part of coaching gratifying, as clients begin asking
themselves coaching questions and making their own observations.
I enjoy witnessing the clients ’ hope in their progress and eagerness
to learn. I simply hold an open space and hold them accountable.
c06.indd 239c06.indd 239 12/19/09 12:06:43 PM12/19/09 12:06:43 PM
Developing Your Confl ict Competence240
I can see the constructive behaviors practiced as part of the coaching
process carrying over into the work setting and confl icts.
Application. The client immediately started noticing and hearing
other perspectives and identifying emotions during conversations.
He effectively dealt with many of his mental distractions to listening,
which opened an opportunity to reexamine his leadership style.
He found that his listening and communication was more directive
than he intended. This discovery surprised him. As a result, he began
reaching out to others, collaborating, and asking more questions. He
noticed increased participation in creating solutions, learned more
about people and the situation, and experienced less confl ict.
Phase IV: New Direction
With new awareness, the client refocuses on the presenting con-
fl ict. This time, the presenting issue looks different to the client.
New options unfold out of new distinctions and choices.
Application. The client ’ s discovery prompted him to reshape his
coaching goal to listen and reach out to people at all levels. He
started observing others ’ behavior and created meeting processes
that involved others. By involving others, the client learned more
about situations, noticed improvement in his relationships, and en-
gaged in confl ict in a new constructive way.
This client noticed that he used to say, “ I think you are wrong. ”
Now, he listens, observes body language, pauses, and responds. He
receives positive feedback from others. He uses questions instead of
telling and notices that others enjoy responding to curious questions.
When listening to others, the client fi nds opportunities to praise
them. The client also worked on slowing his rapid pace for the sake
of better listening, discussion, involvement, and openness.
Closing Phase
I end each coaching agreement by asking about the client ’ s key take-
aways, the impact of coaching, and their commitments to themselves.
I inquire about strategies to overcome potential obstacles and
c06.indd 240c06.indd 240 12/19/09 12:06:43 PM12/19/09 12:06:43 PM
Organizational Confl ict Competence 241
enlist support from others. This phase is an opportunity to return
to the CDP results and celebrate improvements.
Application: The client used a breathing practice to slow his pace,
listened better by focusing on what he doesn ’ t know, accomplished
more based on “ new ” information received from listening, involved
others, passed leadership onto others, talked more to others, and
put his BlackBerry away to reduce reaction and slow the pace.
An unexpected benefi t is that he feels less tense and has created
boundaries that help him decide if he really needs to be involved
or if others can handle the problem. Previously, he escalated con-
fl ict by inserting himself in situations that could have been resolved
without his intervention. The client also has a better idea of what
coaching really means.
Championing Organizational Confl ict Competence
When we reviewed TSA ’ s experience developing an integrated confl ict manage-
ment system, we saw that TSA leaders gave early buy - in to the process. Cultural
change does not come easily. Leadership support is critical in helping sustain
momentum. Leaders need to model the kind of behaviors that they want others to
use. It provides credibility to leaders ’ calls for new norms that support construc-
tive engagement of confl ict. We strongly recommend that leaders show the way by
participating in training to improve their own skills. We suggest they work with
coaches to refi ne those skills. Finally, we encourage them to be personally involved
in efforts to develop confl ict competence in others so that their organization can
achieve the benefi ts that stem from it. After all, they and their organizations face
confl icts on a regular basis — why not get the best results from them?
c06.indd 241c06.indd 241 12/19/09 12:06:44 PM12/19/09 12:06:44 PM
c06.indd 242c06.indd 242 12/19/09 12:06:44 PM12/19/09 12:06:44 PM
243243
R E S O U R C E S
We work at Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida. Tim is the director of cus-
tom programs at the Leadership Development Institute at the college. His group
conducts programs for leaders and managers in leadership development, team
building, and confl ict management. You can reach Tim at:
Leadership Development Institute
Eckerd College
4200 54th Avenue South
St. Petersburg, FL 33711
800 – 753 – 0444
www.eckerd.edu/ldi
Craig is director of the Center for Confl ict Dynamics at the college. His group
oversees the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le ® assessment instrument and other prod-
ucts that can be used to help in assessment and training in confl ict management.
You can reach Craig at:
Center for Confl ict Dynamics
Eckerd College
4200 54th Avenue South
St. Petersburg, FL 33711
888 – 359 – 9906
www.confl ictdynamics.org
both01.indd 243both01.indd 243 12/19/09 12:12:31 PM12/19/09 12:12:31 PM
Resources244
Bob Acton
Gilbert Acton
347 Sierra Morena Place SW
Calgary, Alberta T3H 2X3
403 – 862 – 7246
www.gilbertacton.com
Don Albert
Don Albert & Associates
415 Newport Drive
Indialantic, FL 32903
321 – 953 – 2223
Edmond Bazerghi
Center for Executive Assessment
2002 Plumbrook Drive
Austin, TX 78746 – 6230
512 – 656 – 0007
www.centerexec.com
Michael Bice
Senior Health Care Fellow
Center for Confl ict Dynamics
Eckerd College
4200 54th Avenue South
St. Petersburg, FL 33711
888 – 359 – 9906
www.confl ictdynamics.org
Dr. Heather Brown
Professional Solutions, Inc.
462 Herndon Parkway, Suite 108
Herndon, VA 20171
703 – 593 – 2901
hbrown@professionalsolutions
.com
www.professionalsolutions.com
Rita Callahan
Working It Out
175 West 90th Street
New York, NY 10024
646 – 438 – 9899
www.mediate.com/RCallahan
Curtis Curry
Quality Learning International
1050 Hollow Brook Lane
Malabar, FL 32950
321 – 724 – 1917
leadershipqli.com
Dan Dana
Mediation Training Institute
International
5700 West 79th Street
Prairie Village, KS 66208 – 4604
Phone 877 – 338 – 1113
Fax 913 – 273 – 1919
http://www.mediationworks.com/
index.html
Contact Information for Contributors and Other Resources
both01.indd 244both01.indd 244 12/19/09 12:12:32 PM12/19/09 12:12:32 PM
Resources 245
Debra Dupree
Relationships That Matter
4075 Alder Drive, F1
San Diego, CA 92116
619 – 417 – 9690
debradupree@relationshipsthat
matter.com
www.relationshipsthatmatter.com
Richard Fincher
Workplace Resolutions
3420 Shea Boulevard Suite 200
Phoenix, AZ 85028
602 – 953 – 5322
www.workplacesolutions.com
Beverly Fletcher
Federal Executive Institute
1301 Emmet Street
Charlottesville, VA 22903
434 – 980 – 6360
Susan Gunn
Working Dynamics
P.O. Box 25778
Richmond, VA 23260 – 5778
804 – 353 – 9527
www.workdyn.com
Maya Hu - Chan
Global Leadership Associates
San Diego, CA
858 – 668 – 3288
Marcia Hughes
Collaborative Growth
P.O. Box 17509
Golden, CO 80402
303 – 271 – 0021
www.cgrowth.com
International Institute for Confl ict
Prevention & Resolution
575 Lexington Avenue, 21st Floor
New York, NY 10022
212 – 949 – 6490
www.cpradr.org
Debera Libkind, Ph.D., and Dennis
Dennis, Ph.D.
Care Full Confl ict, LLC
16541 Redmond Way, #525 - C
Redmond, WA 98052
314 – 330 – 5558
Debera@carefullconfl ict.com
Dennis@carefullconfl ict.com
www.carefullconfl ict.com
Jan McKenzie
The Weather Channel
300 Interstate North Parkway SE
Atlanta, GA 30339
770 – 226 – 2154
both01.indd 245both01.indd 245 12/19/09 12:12:32 PM12/19/09 12:12:32 PM
Resources246
Sherod Miller
Interpersonal Communications
Programs
30772 Southview Drive Suite 200
Evergreen, CO 80439
800 – 328 – 5099
www.i - skillszone.com
Mark Nevins
Nevins Consulting
90 Bedford Street Suite 1 - D
New York, NY 10014
212 – 675 – 6137
www.nevinsconsulting.com
Cinnie Noble
Cinergy ® Coaching
Toronto, Ontario
416 – 686 – 4247
www.cinergycoaching.com
Denise Pearson
University of Denver
2199 South University Boulevard
Denver, CO 80208
303 – 871 – 3964
www.du.edu
Michael Rawlings
Federal Executive Institute
1301 Emmet Street
Charlottesville, VA 22903
434 – 980 – 6280
Dennis and Michelle Reina
Reina Trust Building Institute
560 Black Bear Run
Stowe, VT 05672
802 – 253 – 8808
www.reinatrustbuilding.com
Judy Ringer
Power and Presence
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
603 – 431 – 8560
www.judyringer.com
Dr. Daniel Siegel
Mindsight Institute
11980 San Vicente Boulevard F1
Los Angeles, CA 90049
310 – 447 – 0848
www.mindsightinstitute.com
Sue Strong
Strong Consulting
4 Beechwood Drive
Morristown, NJ 07960
973 – 267 – 7720
www.strongconsulting.biz
Tim Ursiny
Advantage Coaching and Training
480 East Roosevelt Road, Suite 105
West Chicago, IL 60185
630 – 293 – 0210
www.advantagecoaching.com
both01.indd 246both01.indd 246 12/19/09 12:12:32 PM12/19/09 12:12:32 PM
Resources 247
Rick Voyles and Carol Rice
Confl ict Resolution Academy, LLC
P.O. Box 724506
Atlanta, GA 31139
770 – 435 – 5009
Confl [email protected]
www.confl ictresolutionacademy.com
Jean Wright
Leadership Coaching 911
240 – 299 – 9744
A good source for synergy exercises:
Consulting Psychologists Press
1055 Joaquin Road
Mountain View, CA 94043
650 – 969 – 8901
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253253
T H E A U T H O R S
Craig E. Runde, Director of the Center for Confl ict Dynamics at Eckerd College,
oversees training and development on the Confl ict Dynamics Profi le ® assessment
instrument and other products and services of the center. He is a frequent speaker
and commentator on workplace conflict issues and is coauthor of Becoming
a Confl ict Competent Leader (Jossey - Bass, 2007) and Building Confl ict Competent
Teams (Jossey - Bass, 2008). Before joining Eckerd he was the director of the
International Center for Computer Enhanced Learning at Wake Forest University.
Craig has a B.A. from Harvard University, an M.L.L. from the University of Denver,
and a J.D. from Duke University. He has practiced law in Colorado and has taught
at the University of Minnesota Law School and Wake Forest University.
Tim A. Flanagan, Director of Custom Programs for the Leadership Development
Institute at Eckerd College, earned his M.A. at the Ohio State University and
worked in higher education for eight years before entering the human resource
development fi eld in 1985. Tim ’ s experience includes leading the senior leader-
ship development programs at the Harris Corporation, managing consulting
services for Development Dimensions International, building the training pro-
gram at AAA, Tampa, and guiding the custom development of discovery learning
programs at Paradigm Learning. Tim is a frequent presenter at professional con-
ferences and has consulted with scores of leading national and international fi rms.
He is coauthor of Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader (Jossey - Bass, 2007) and
Building Confl ict Competent Teams (Jossey - Bass, 2008).
Tim and Craig are available for speaking engagements, webinars, and presenta-
tions. Visit their website for more information at www.confl ictcompetent.com
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255255
I N D E X
Page references followed by e indicate an exhibit; followed by fi g indicate a fi gure.
A Abrasive behavior, 19, 36 Accommodating confl ict style, 24 Activities. See Exercises/activities Adapting behavior: description of, 20, 94–95;
Multiple Uses exercise for, 95; planning for, 131–132
ADR (alternative dispute resolution), 10, 218, 229, 230, 231
Affi liation core concern, 58 Aikido (martial art), 45, 46 Albert, D., 113 Allred, K., 34 Aloof behavior, 19, 36 Amason, A., 18, 152 Anticipatory principle, 136 Apologizing, 73–76 Appreciation core concern, 57–58 Appreciative inquiry (AI), 134,
136–137 Arbitration Fairness Act, 233–234 Argyris, C., 34 Armstrong, D., 201 Atkinson, M., 63 Autonomy core concern, 58
Avoiding behavior: destructive impact of, 20, 116–118; developing engagement strategy to counter, 118–120
Avoiding confl ict style, 24 Awareness. See Mindfulness (or awareness)
B Barrett, L., 62 Bazerghi, E., 37 BEACH (Beliefs, Expectations, Assumptions/
Attitude, Concerns, and Hope), 89 Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader
(Runde and Flanagan), 13, 215 Begley, S., 53 Behavioral responses: constructive, 19–20,
72–105, 124–134, 237–241; destructive, 20, 23, 105–124. See also Emotions; Hot buttons
Behavioral skills: confl ict competence role of, 4–5; for engaging constructively, 7–8fi g, 161–171
Benchmarks, 210 Beyond Reason (Fisher and Shapiro), 57 Bice, M., 236 Bingham, H., 237
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Index256
BPOK (Breathe, Present, I’m okay), 44 Brainstorming, 173–174, 186–187 Bridges, W., 135 Britt, R., 218, 224, 227 Building Confl ict Competent Teams (Runde
and Flanagan), 13, 46, 140, 142 Bunge, S., 49 “Button pusher,” 38
C California Psychological Inventory
(CPI), 94 Callahan, R., 81 Canadian Human Rights Commission, 59 Capability trust, 143 Capobianco, S., 18, 34, 106 Carmeli, A., 152 CCA (Corrections Corporation of
America), 217 CDP (Confl ict Dynamics Profi le) 360:
appreciative inquiry (AI) used with, 134, 136–137; blind spots identifi ed by, 135–136; description of, 134–135; Johari Window showing four quadrants of, 135–136
CDP (Confl ict Dynamics Profi le): administering the, 18–20; coaching and practicing constructive behaviors of, 237–241; debriefi ng the, 20–21; description of, 17–18; destructive behaviors measured by, 20, 23, 105–128; fundamental team functionality improved by, 168–169; “It’s All About the Business” discussion using the, 22–24; measuring hot buttons reactions, 18, 19, 36–41, 90; team shared knowledge of, 210. See also Confl ict management; Constructive behaviors
Center for Creative Leadership: CEO confl ict study by, 1, 12; on costs of confl ict, 15; mindfulness exercises used at, 56
Centering: aikido approach to, 45, 46; description of, 45; emotional regulation using, 45–49
Champion, J., 89 Change Style Indicator (CSI), 94 Changing focus approach, 60–61 Checking for understanding, 185–186 CINERGY Coaching, 63 Clearing the air, 191–192 Climate. See Competence climate Close-ended question, 90 Cognitive reappraisal, 49–52. See also
Reframing Cohn, A., 62 Cole, P., 201 Collaborating confl ict style, 25 Collaborative outcomes: adapting
to facilitate, 20, 94–95, 131–132; constructive communication for, 169–171; creating solutions to facilitate, 19, 102–105, 131–132; refl ective thinking to facilitate, 19, 96–102, 131–132
Collaborative problem solving: comparing beginning and ending solutions, 133; participants engaging in, 132–133; planning for, 131–132
Collaborative Skills System, 119–120 Collette, D., 72 ColourBlind exercise, 85, 92 Communication: closed-ended versus
open-ended questions, 90; expressing thoughts, interests, and emotions, 91–94, 130–131; intent to address emotional damage, 73; listening for understanding, 80–84, 129, 164–166; offer to take responsibility and apologizing, 73–76; reading between the lines for good, 88–91; structured disclosure, 176–178; team meetings on, 149–152; tips for effective cross-cultural, 208
Communication exercises: Animal, 90; Constructive Communication, 128–133; Getting to Know You in deep listening,
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Index 257
89; Hot Buttons, 90; Three Minutes of Passion, 91
Communication trust: application exercises for building, 146–147; description of, 143, 144; developing, 144–151; establishing norms of, 152; note and tip on, 151; one-on-one team meetings on, 149–151; Reina Communication Trust Quiz on, 147e–148e; Team Refl ection/Dialogue exercise, 149–151
Competence climate: collaboration producing behavioral integration and, 152–155; emotional intelligence for, 155– 160; improving attitudes for, 140–142; required for resolving team confl ict, 5, 8, 9, 140; team agreement on, 173; trust and safety for, 142–152. See also Constructive communication
Competing confl ict style, 24 Compromising confl ict style, 24 Concise statements, 163 Confl ict: appreciating value of dealing
with, 15–16; cognitive aspects of, 11–31; cognitive understanding of mechanics of, 2; constructive engagement in, 71–137; cultural differences related to, 202–214; deconstructing the dynamics of, 29–31; fi ght-or-fl ight responses to, 5, 62; intensity of, 124–128; performance management and related, 119–120; as regular organizational experience, 1–2; relationship or affective, 3, 13, 139; task or cognitive, 3, 13, 139; typical reactions to, 4; understanding how you currently respond to, 16–25. See also Emotions; Team Confl ict Competence Model
Confl ict attitudes: changing, 14; connecting confl ict results to, 13–14; description of, 11; exploring current, 11–13
Confl ict competence: defi ning, 2; organizational, 6, 10fi g, 215–241; ten principles of, 3–6; virtual and global teams, 201–214
Confl ict competence tools: after confl ict, 199–201; before confl ict, 172–178; brainstorming, 173–174, 186–187; clearing the air, 191–192; devil’s advocacy, 182–183; during confl ict, 179–199; feedback as, 189–191, 199–201; intentional intent, 187–188; mediation, 198–199; observation as, 53, 189–191; periodic peer feedback, 199–201; preliminary perspective sharing, 178; reaching team agreements, 172–175, 176e; reframing questions, 185–186; Stop, Start, Continue, 192–197; structured disclosure, 176–178; summarizing techniques, 179–181; team leader or team member intervention, 197–198; time- outs, 181. See also Reaching out behavior
Confl ict costs: assessing organizational, 15; Dana Measure of Financial Cost of Organizational Confl ict, 15–16
Confl ict management: ADR (alternative dispute resolution) approach to, 218, 229, 230, 231; ADR (alternative dispute resolution) updated approach to, 10; Appreciative inquiry (AI) approach to, 134, 136–137; Arbitration Fairness Act impact on, 233–234; core concerns model for, 57–60; culture audits on organizational, 234–237; Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA) impact on, 234; future of workplace systems for, 233–234; ICMS (integrated confl ict management systems) for, 10, 217–234; Individual Confl ict Competence Model for, 7–8fi g; leadership role in organizational, 237; mediation as, 10, 63–68, 72, 88, 198–199; SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) model for, 199–201; TSA (Transportation Security Administration) case study on, 215–228; virtual and global teams approach to, 201–214; workplace changes impacting, 231–233. See also CDP (Confl ict Dynamics Profi le); Engage
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Index258
Constructively Model; Team Confl ict Competence Model
Confl ict Resolution Academy (Atlanta), 119 Confl ict responses: constructive, 19–20,
72–105, 124–134, 237–241; destructive, 20, 23, 105–124; instruments to measure, 17, 24–26; self-awareness of your, 16–17. See also Emotions
Confl ict responses instruments: Dana Measure of Financial Cost of Organizational Confl ict, 15–16; Hiam Dealing with Confl ict Instrument, 24–26; positive/destructive behavior responses measured by, 19–20, 23; TKI (Thomas- Kilmann Confl ict Mode Instrument), 24–26, 210
Confl ict styles: Beverly’s approach to, 26–27; discovering your, 25–26; instruments for measuring fi ve types of, 24–25; problem- solving wheel, 28fi g; turtle style: avoiding confl ict, 27fi g–28fi g
Constructive behaviors: Constructive Communication exercise, 128–134; discoveries made when coaching and practicing, 237–241; expressed interest in resolving the issue, 76–77; intensity, 124– 128; intent to address emotional damage, 73; offering to taking responsibility and apologizing, 73–76; overt invitation, 73; reaching out and initiating contact, 19, 72–73, 77–97; searching for collaborative outcomes, 94–105. See also CDP (Confl ict Dynamics Profi le); Destructive behaviors
Constructive communication: collaborative outcomes using, 19, 20, 94–105, 131–132, 169–171; common vocabulary aids dialogue, 167–169; continuum of behaviors, 167fi g; description and aspects of, 160–161; exercise for, 128–133; expressing emotions, thoughts and interests, 19, 76–77, 166–169; getting and staying on track, 171–193; “Last Gasp Gorge” exercise for, 165; perspective
taking/listening for understanding, 19, 80–88, 92, 129–130, 164–166, 178; reaching out/initiating contact, 19, 72–91, 129–130, 161–164, 183–184. See also Competence climate
Constructive engagement: appreciative inquiry (AI) for, 136–137; CDP 360 for, 134–136; constructive communication, 128–134; contagious nature of reaching out, 77–88; destructive behaviors to avoid and control, 105–128; four behavioral elements of, 72–77; overview of, 71–72; reading between the line, 88–97; refl ecting without ruminating, 97–105
Constructivist principle, 136 Content focus, 84–85 Contractual trust, 143 Conversational summaries, 179 Conway, W., 208 Cooperrider, D., 136 Core concerns model: fi ve core concerns of,
57–58; showing respect component of, 58–60
Cornerstones, 210 Corporate culture clash, 212–213 Corrections Corporation of America
(CCA), 217 Covey, S. M., 111 The Coward’s Guide to Confl ict
(Ursiny), 117 Creating solutions behavior: benefi ts of,
105; description of, 19, 102–103; Four- Letter Words exercise, 103–105; planning for, 131–132
Cross-cultural communication tips, 208 CRQ (Confl ict Resilience Quotient),
66e–67e Cultural audits: description of, 234–235;
Regional Medical Center (RMC) example of, 235–237
Cultural issues: corporate culture clash, 212–213; examples of team cultural
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Index 259
dysfunctions, 203–208; leadership control over, 203–205; norms for managing confl icts related to, 213–214; team-created third culture, 209–212; tips and best practices on, 205; tips for effective cross- cultural communication, 208; virtual and global teams and related, 202–203
Cultural Issues in Confl ict Management (LeBaron), 91
Curry, C., 205–208
D Dana, D., 15, 16, 35, 88, 89, 162 Dana Measure of Financial Cost of
Organizational Confl ict, 15–16 Davidson, R., 53, 62 Davis, M., 18, 34, 106 Dealing with Confl ict Instrument, 210 DeDreu, C., 13 Deep listening exercise, 89 Delayed responding behavior, 20 Demeaning others behavior: destructive
impact of, 20, 112–113; impact of demeaning boss, 113–115; managing potentially, 113
Destructive behaviors: avoiding, 20, 116–120; demeaning others, 20, 112–115; displaying anger, 20, 108–110; hiding emotions, 20, 122–123; retaliating, 20, 115–116; self-criticizing, 20, 123–124; types to avoid, 105–106; winning at all costs, 20, 106–108; yielding, 20, 23, 121–122. See also Constructive behaviors
Destructive scales: “It’s All About the Business” use of, 23; positive behavior responses measured by, 20
Devil’s advocacy, 182–183 Differences level of intensity, 124–125 Disagreements level of confl ict, 126 Discord level of intensity, 126–127 Disengagement, 53 Dishonest emotions, 92–94
Displaying anger behavior: destructive impact of, 20, 108–109; tips for controlling, 109–110
Ditzler, D., 218, 220, 224, 227 Dupree, D., 88
E Eckerd College, 17 Edmondson, A., 35, 143 Ekman, P., 34, 69 Elangovan, A., 143 Emerging Systems for Management
Workplace Confl ict: (Lipsky, Seeber, and Fincher), 228–234
Emotional intelligence: establishing norms of team, 159–160; used to resolve team confl ict, 156–159; team confl ict and role of, 155–156; Team Emotional and Social Intelligence Survey (TESI) on, 156, 157
Emotional regulation: centering used for, 45–49; changing focus technique for, 60– 61; CINERGY approach to resilience and, 63–68; clearing the air for, 191–192; cognitive reappraisal for, 49–52; core concerns model used for, 35, 57–60; mindfulness or awareness for, 52–57; promoting positive emotions for, 35, 61–63; slowing down approach to, 69–70
Emotional skills: confl ict competence role of, 4; emotional intelligence, 155–160
The Emotionally Intelligent Team (Hughes and Terrell), 156
Emotions: addressing fear as underlying, 41–45; expressing thoughts, interests, and, 91–94, 130–131; fears, 41–45; hiding, 20, 122–123; issue of expression dishonest, 92–94; personal hot buttons and, 36–41; perspective taking by focusing on, 86–88; positive, 35, 61–63; refractory period of, 69; understanding how they arise during confl ict, 33–36. See also Behavioral responses; Confl ict; Confl ict responses
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Index260
Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA), 234 Engage Constructively Model: behavioral
skills for, 7–8fi g; collaborative outcomes, 19, 20, 94–105, 131–132, 169–171; expressing emotions, thoughts, and interests, 19, 76–77, 166–169; illustrated diagram of, 162fi g; perspective taking/ listening for understanding, 19, 80–88, 92, 129–130, 164–166, 178; reaching out/ initiating contact, 19, 72–91, 129–130, 161–164, 183–184. See also Confl ict management
Engagement strategy, 118–120 Eppsteiner, F., 60, 160 Equal Employment Opportunity
(EEO), 120 Ernst & Young, 201 Exercises/activities: Animal, 90;
ColourBlind, 85, 92; constructive Communication, 128–134; Four-Letter Words, 103–105; Getting to Know You, 89; Hot Buttons, 90; I Understand, 87; Identifying Emotions, 86–87; “Last Gasp Gorge,” 165; Listening for Understanding, 82–84; mindfulness, 56; Multiple Uses, 95; Team Refl ection/Dialogue, 149–151; Three Minutes of Passion, 91
Expressing emotions behavior: constructive communication using, 166–169; description of, 19; expressing interest in resolution, 76–77
F Fears: addressing confl ict-related, 41–45;
BPOK (Breathe, Present, I’m okay) to control, 44; description of, 42
Feedback: observation and, 189–191; SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) model for, 199–201
Fight-or-fl ight responses, 5, 62 Fincher, R., 215, 228–234 Fisher, R., 35, 57, 58
Flanagan, T. A., 13, 46, 135, 201 Fletcher, B., 26–28 Florida Community of Mindfulness,
60, 160 Floyd, C., 198 Focus on emotions, 86–88 Focusing on context, 84–85 Four-Letter Words exercise, 103–105 Frederickson, B., 62
G Gabrieli, J., 49 Garland, E., 52 Gaylord, S., 52 Getting to Know You exercise, 89 Global teams: confl ict issues of, 201–202;
creating a third culture for, 209–212; cultural issues related to, 202–208; handling corporate culture clash by, 212–213; norms for managing confl icts and different cultures, 213–214; tips for effective cross-cultural communication, 208; tips to avoid cultural dysfunction in, 205
Going to the balcony, 53 Goleman, D., 35, 69, 155 Gosline, A., 218 Gross, J., 34, 35, 49, 50, 122 Gunn, S., 201
H Hambrick, D., 152 Harris, A., 136 Hayes, B., 176–177 Hiam, A., 25, 210 Hiam Dealing with Confl ict Instrument:
description of, 24–25; discovering your confl ict style using, 25–26; Hiding emotions behavior, 20, 122–123
Hoffman, R., 15 Hogan, 210 Holahan, P., 152
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Index 261
Home Improvement (TV show), 180 Hoppe, M., 56 Hostile behavior, 19, 36 Hot buttons: CDP (Confl ict Dynamics
Profi le) to measure, 18, 19, 36–41; description and measuring, 18, 19; Hot Buttons exercise on, 90; personal, 36–38, 40–41; refl ecting on, 38–40; types of behaviors included as, 19. See also Behavioral responses
Hotz, R., 155 HUD (Housing and Urban Development),
47–48 Hughes, M., 156
I I Understand exercise, 87 ICMS (integrated confl ict management
systems): description of, 10, 217–218; Emerging Systems for Managing Workplace Confl ict: on, 228–234; four Rs of confl ict management used in, 221fi g; “I C Me in the Solution” notion of, 220; leadership championing of, 241; potential barriers to growth of, 229–230; recent workplace changes impacting growth of, 231–233; skills, structure, and support components of, 218–219; TSA design and implementation of, 222–227; TSA’s ICMS Maturity Model of, 225, 226fi g–227
Identifying Emotions exercise, 86–87 Individual Confl ict Competence
Model: description of, 6; engaging constructively behaviors of, 7–8fi g; illustrated diagram of, 7fi g
Ingham, H., 135 Intensity levels of confl ict: 1: differences,
124–125; 2: misunderstandings, 125–126; 3: disagreements, 126; 4: discord, 126–127; 5: polarization, 127–128
Intentional intent, 187–188 International Institute for Confl ict
Prevention & Resolution, 216, 218, 219, 226
“It’s All About the Business” discussion, 22–24
J Johari Windows, 135–136 Johnson, D. W., 25, 27
K Kabat-Zinn, J., 53, 54 Katz, D., 216, 218 Khosh, M., 213 Kilmann, R. H., 25 Kirton Adaptive-Innovative Survey
(KAI), 94 Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands: The Bestselling
Guide to Doing Business in Sixty Countries (Morrison and Conway), 208
Koehn, C., 217 Kraus, L., 18, 34, 106
L “Last Gasp Gorge” exercise, 165 Leadership: championing of ICMS by, 241;
confl ict competence tool of intervention by, 197–198; control over cultural dysfunction by, 203–205; organizational confl ict management role of, 237
LeBaron, M., 89, 91 Lipsky, D. B., 215, 228–234 Listening for understanding: constructive
communication and, 164–166; description of, 80–81; exercise used to increase, 82–84, 129
Love, N., 89 Luft, J., 135 Lundgren, E., 227–228 Lynch, J., 10, 58, 216, 218, 222
bindex.indd 261bindex.indd 261 12/19/09 12:10:52 PM12/19/09 12:10:52 PM
Index262
M McCraty, R., 63 McCullough, M., 34 Machu Picchu, 237 McKenzie, J., 110 Maddon, J., 197–199 Managing Differences (Dana), 88 Mediation: used as confl ict resolution,
10, 63; examples of, 64–68; four basic tenets or guidelines for, 198–199; “Peace Makers” (student program), 72; reading between the lines during, 88
Micromanaging behavior, 19, 36 Miller, S., 70 The Mindful Brain (Siegel), 57 The Mindful Way Through Depression
(Kabat-Zinn), 54, 55 Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction
(MBSR), 53, 54 Mindfulness (or awareness): description of,
52–53; practicing to build skill in, 56–57; techniques used for, 53–56
Mindsight (Siegel), 57 Misunderstandings level of intensity,
125–126 Mooney, A., 152, 155 Morrison, T., 208 Motivation for confl ict competence, 3 Multiple Uses exercise, 95 Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), 94,
210
N Nevins, M., 167 New York–Penn Baseball League, 176–177 Noble, C., 63
O Obama, M., 203 Observation, 53, 189–191 Ochsner, K., 34, 49, 51
Open-ended questions, 90 Organizational confl ict competence:
addressing confl ict systematically for, 217–218; benefi ts of, 216–217; challenges of managing confl ict, 228; championing, 241; components of, 6, 10fi g; constructive behaviors coaching/practice for, 237–241; culture audits on, 234–237; Emerging Systems for Managing Workplace Confl ict: on issues of, 228–234; ICMS approach to, 10, 217–227; leadership role in, 237; TSA’s case study on, 215–216, 218–228
Organizational support, 10fi g Overly analytical behavior: as hot button,
19, 36; “It’s All About the Business” on, 23 Overt invitation, 73
P Pace, A., 170–171 Paraphrasing exercise, 82–84 Park, J., 52 Peace Corps training centers, 206–208 “Peace Makers” (student mediation
program), 72 Pearson, D., 134 Pena, C., 198 Performance management confl ict, 119–120 Periodic peer feedback, 199–201 Personal hot buttons, 36–38, 40–41 Personality styles, 94 Perspective taking behavior: ColourBlind
exercise for, 85, 92; constructive communication using, 164–166; description of, 19, 80; focus on content, 84–85; focus on emotions, 86–88; listening for understanding for, 80–84; planning and engaging in, 129–130; preliminary perspective sharing, 178
Poetic principle, 136 Polarization level of intensity, 127–128 Positive emotions: cultivating, 62–63;
description and power of, 61–62
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Index 263
Positive principle, 136 Power summaries, 180–181 Prati, L., 155 Preliminary perspective sharing, 178 Presence, 53 Principle of simultaneity, 136
R Rapisarda, B., 155 Reaching Out; Interpersonal Effectiveness
and Self-Actualization (Thomas and Kilmann), 25
Reaching out behavior: constructive communication using, 161–164; contagious nature of, 77–80; description of, 19, 72–73, 183–184; engaging in, 129; listening for understanding, 80–84, 129; perspective taking, 19, 80, 84–91, 129– 130, 164–166, 178; reaching out activity for, 79. See also Confl ict competence tools
Reading between the lines, 88–91 Reed, J., 136 Refl ective thinking behavior: description
of, 19, 96–97; planning for, 131–132; questions to facilitate, 101–102; refl ecting without ruminating, 97–101
Refractory period, 69 Reframing: description of, 49; questions
used for, 185–186. See also Cognitive reappraisal
Regional Medical Center (RMC): background information on, 235; cultural audit conducted on, 235–237
Reina Communication Trust Quiz, 147e–148e
Reina, D., 143, 148 Reina, M., 143, 148 Relationship (or affective) confl ict:
description of, 13; task confl ict versus, 3; team, 139
Resilience: confl ict coaching to improve, 63–64; CRQ (Confl ict Resilience
Quotient) measuring, 66e–67e; David and John story on, 64–65, 68; importance of, 63; Jennifer and Victory story on, 65–66, 68
Resolvable issues, 163 Respect, 58–60 Retaliating behavior: avoiding, 116;
destructive impact of, 20, 115–116 Retaliatory cycle, 88 Rice, C., 119 Ringer, J., 45 Roberto, M., 13 Role core concern, 58 Rumination: defi nition of, 100; refl ection
versus, 97–101 Runde, C. E., 13, 46, 54, 57, 61, 117, 135,
155, 201, 217, 224
S SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) model,
199–201 Schaubroeck, J., 152 Schmidt, W., 15 Schön, D., 136 Seeber, R. L., 215, 228–234 Segal, Z., 53 Self-awareness: description and confl ict role
of, 4; of how you currently respond to confl ict, 16–17
Self-centered behavior, 19, 36 Self-criticizing behavior, 20, 123–124 Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
(Covey), 111 Shapiro, D., 35, 57, 58 Siegel, D., 53, 57 Simultaneity principle, 136 Slowing down approach, 69–70 Smith, D., 35 Specifi c statements, 163 Status core concern, 58 Stereotyping, 208 “Stop, Start, Continue,” 192–197
bindex.indd 263bindex.indd 263 12/19/09 12:10:53 PM12/19/09 12:10:53 PM
Index264
Structured disclosure, 176–178 Structured summaries, 179–180 Summarizing techniques, 179–181 Szabo, E., 143
T Taking responsibility: apologizing as part of,
73–76; offering to take, 73 Tampa Bay Rays, 197–198 Task (or cognitive) confl ict: description of,
13; relationship versus, 3; team, 139 Team agreements: description of, 172;
eight-step method for, 172–175; preliminary perspective sharing for, 178; sample list of, 175–176e; structured disclosure for, 176–178
Team collaboration: behavioral integration for, 152–155; communication trust required for, 143–152; competence climate for, 5, 8, 9, 140–144; establishing norms of emotional intelligence for, 159–160
Team communication meetings: building trust through, 149; establishing trust norms, 152; sample matrix for, 150e; Team Refl ection/Dialogue exercise for, 149–151
Team confl ict: communication trust to handle, 143–152; complexity of, 217; emotional intelligence role in, 155–156; emotional intelligence to resolve, 156–160; ICMS (integrated confl ict management systems) used for, 10, 217– 218; task and relationship, 139; virtual and global, 201–214
Team Confl ict Competence Model: competence climate required for, 5, 8, 9, 140–144; constructive communications techniques of, 9, 144–156, 160–193; using emotional intelligence to resolve confl ict, 156–160; getting and staying on track using, 171–172; illustrated diagram of, 9fi g, 141fi g; stop, start, continue process of,
193–201; team agreements, 172–175, 176e; virtual and global teams using, 201–214. See also Confl ict; Confl ict management
Team Emotional and Social Intelligence Survey (TESI), 156, 157
Team leader intervention, 197–198 Team Refl ection/Dialogue exercise, 149–151 Teasdale, J., 53 Terrell, J., 156 Thich Nhat Hanh, 160 Third culture: description of, 209–210;
example of creating, 209–212; virtual and global team creation of, 209
Thomas, K. W., 15, 25 Thomas-Kilmann Confl ict Mode
Instrument (TKI), 24–26, 210 Three Minutes of Passion exercise, 91 Time-outs, 181 Tolle, E., 53, 57 Tomasino, D., 63 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace (Reina
and Reina), 143 Trust/safety: communication trust, 143,
144–152; creating climate of, 142–144; Reina’s model on types of, 143–144
TSA (Transportation Security Administration): background information on, 218; champions of ICMS at, 241; examining organizational confl ict competence of, 215–216; four Rs of confl ict management used in, 221fi g; ICMS approach used at, 218–227; ICMS Maturity Model used by, 225, 226fi g–227; “What I Learned From Confl ict in 2006” (Lundgren) on, 227–228
Tugade, M., 62 Turtle confl ict style, 27fi g–28fi g
U Unappreciative behavior, 19, 36 Unbiased statements, 163 University of Denver, 134
bindex.indd 264bindex.indd 264 12/19/09 12:10:53 PM12/19/09 12:10:53 PM
Index 265
University of Massachusetts Medical School, 53
Unreliable behavior, 19, 36 Untrustworthy behavior, 19, 36 Updated alternative dispute resolution
system, 10 Upton, BJ, 197–198 Ursiny, T., 117–118
V VALUED confl ict model, 59 Video recording observation, 189 Virtual teams: confl ict issues of, 201–202;
creating a third culture for, 209–212; cultural issues related to, 202–208; handling corporate culture clash by, 212–213; norms for managing confl icts and different cultures, 213–214; tips for effective cross- cultural communication, 208; tips to avoid cultural dysfunction in, 205
Voyles, R., 119
W Watson, C., 15 Weeks, H., 75 Weingart, L., 13 Werner, A., 143 “What I Learned From Confl ict in 2006”
(Lundgren), 227–228 Williams, J., 53, 54, 56, 57 Williamson, B., 201 Winning at all costs behavior: controlling
the urge to, 107–108; destructive impact of, 20, 106–107
Witnessing perch or balcony, 56 Workplace systems. See Confl ict
management
Y Yielding behavior: description of, 20, 121;
“It’s All About the Business” on, 23; moving beyond, 122
bindex.indd 265bindex.indd 265 12/19/09 12:10:54 PM12/19/09 12:10:54 PM
both02.indd 254both02.indd 254 12/19/09 12:13:12 PM12/19/09 12:13:12 PM
267267
A B O U T T H E C E N T E R F O R C R E A T I V E L E A D E R S H I P
The Center for Creative Leadership (CCL) is a top - ranked, global provider of
executive education that unlocks individual and organizational potential through
its exclusive focus on leadership education and research. Founded in 1970 as
a nonprofi t educational institution, CCL helps clients worldwide cultivate creative
leadership — the capacity to achieve more than imagined by thinking and acting
beyond boundaries — through an array of programs, products, and other services.
Ranked in the top ten in the Financial Times annual executive education survey,
CCL is headquartered in Greensboro, North Carolina, with campuses in Colorado
Springs, Colorado; San Diego, California; Brussels, Belgium; and Singapore.
Supported by more than four hundred faculty members and staff, it works an-
nually with more than twenty thousand leaders and two thousand organizations.
In addition, twelve Network Associates around the world offer selected CCL pro-
grams and assessments.
CCL draws strength from its nonprofi t status and educational mission, which
provide unusual fl exibility in a world where quarterly profi ts often drive think-
ing and direction. It has the freedom to be objective, wary of short - term trends,
and motivated foremost by its mission — hence, our substantial and sustained
investment in leadership research. Although CCL ’ s work is always grounded in
a strong foundation of research, it focuses on achieving a benefi cial impact in the
real world. Its efforts are geared to be practical and action oriented, helping lead-
ers and their organizations more effectively achieve their goals and vision. The
desire to transform learning and ideas into action provides the impetus for CCL ’ s
programs, assessments, publications, and services.
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About the Center for Creative Leadership268
Capabilities
CCL ’ s activities encompass leadership education, knowledge generation and dis-
semination, and building a community centered on leadership. CCL is broadly
recognized for excellence in executive education, leadership development, and in-
novation by sources such as BusinessWeek, Financial Times, the New York Times,
and the Wall Street Journal.
Open - Enrollment Programs
Fourteen open - enrollment courses are designed for leaders at all levels, as well as
people responsible for leadership development and training at their organizations.
This portfolio offers distinct choices for participants seeking a particular learning
environment or type of experience. Some programs are structured specifi cally
around small group activities, discussion, and personal refl ection, while others
offer hands - on opportunities through business simulations, artistic exploration,
team - building exercises, and new - skills practice. Many of these programs offer
private one - on - one sessions with a feedback coach.
For a complete listing of programs, visit http://www.ccl.org/programs .
Customized Programs
CCL develops tailored educational solutions for more than one hundred client or-
ganizations around the world each year. Through this applied practice, CCL struc-
tures and delivers programs focused on specifi c leadership development needs
within the context of defi ned organizational challenges, including innovation, the
merging of cultures, and the development of a broader pool of leaders. The ob-
jective is to help organizations develop, within their own cultures, the leadership
capacity they need to address challenges as they emerge.
Program details are available online at http://www.ccl.org/custom .
Coaching
CCL ’ s suite of coaching services is designed to help leaders maintain a sustained
focus and generate increased momentum toward achieving their goals. These
coaching alternatives vary in depth and duration and serve a variety of needs,
from helping an executive sort through career and life issues to working with
an organization to integrate coaching into its internal development process. Our
coaching offerings, which can supplement program attendance or be customized
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About the Center for Creative Leadership 269
for specifi c individual or team needs, are based on our model of assessment, chal-
lenge, and support (ACS).
Learn more about CCL ’ s coaching services at http://www.ccl.org/coaching .
Assessment and Development Resources
CCL pioneered 360 - degree feedback and believes that assessment provides a solid
foundation for learning, growth, and transformation and that development truly
happens when an individual recognizes the need to change. CCL offers a broad
selection of assessment tools, online resources, and simulations that can help indi-
viduals, teams, and organizations increase their self - awareness, facilitate their own
learning, enable their development, and enhance their effectiveness.
CCL ’ s assessments are profi led at http://www.ccl.org/assessments .
Publications
The theoretical foundation for many of our programs, as well as the results of
CCL ’ s extensive and often groundbreaking research, can be found in the scores
of publications issued by CCL Press and through the center ’ s alliance with Jossey -
Bass, a Wiley imprint. Among these are landmark works, such as Breaking the Glass
Ceiling and The Lessons of Experience, as well as quick - read guidebooks focused on
core aspects of leadership. CCL publications provide insights and practical advice
to help individuals become more effective leaders, develop leadership training
within organizations, address issues of change and diversity, and build the systems
and strategies that advance leadership collectively at the institutional level.
A complete listing of CCL publications is available at http://www.ccl
.org/publications .
Leadership Community
To ensure that the center ’ s work remains focused, relevant, and important to
the individuals and organizations it serves, CCL maintains a host of networks,
councils, and learning and virtual communities that bring together alumni,
donors, faculty, practicing leaders, and thought leaders from around the globe.
CCL also forges relationships and alliances with individuals, organizations, and
associations that share its values and mission. The energy, insights, and sup-
port from these relationships help shape and sustain CCL ’ s educational and
research practices and provide its clients with an added measure of motivation
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About the Center for Creative Leadership270
and inspiration as they continue their lifelong commitment to leadership and
learning.
To learn more, visit http://www.ccl.org/community .
Research
CCL ’ s portfolio of programs, products, and services is built on a solid foundation
of behavioral science research. The role of research at CCL is to advance the un-
derstanding of leadership and transform learning into practical tools for partici-
pants and clients. CCL ’ s research is the hub of a cycle that transforms knowledge
into applications and applications into knowledge, thereby illuminating the way
organizations think about and enact leadership and leader development.
Find out more about current research initiatives at http://www.ccl.org/
research .
For additional information about CCL, visit http://www.ccl.org or call Client
Services at (336)545 – 2810.
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Developing Your Confl ict Competence
is a practical book that offers a hands-
on resource for leaders, managers, team
members, and everyone within an organiza-
tion who wants to sharpen their skills and
learn to respond to confl ict with confi dence.
This third book in the “confl ict competent”
series is fi lled with tips, checklists, exercis-
es, and illustrative stories that offer insight
into the nature of confl ict and show how to
handle confl ict successfully.
Throughout the book, authors Craig
Runde and Tim Flanagan outline a con-
crete process for dealing with unavoid-
able workplace tensions and present a
series of thought-provoking questions and
self-diagnostics. Developing Your Confl ict
Competence is a comprehensive guide to
managing disagreements, differences, and
discord. It shows how an individual can
practically help others deal with confl icts
that are causing friction within an organiza-
tion. Runde and Flanagan also give down-
to-earth advice for dealing with discord
within teams. They show how teams can
establish norms for handling confl ict by
creating the right climate for discussing
issues and using effective communications
techniques. On a more global level, the
(Continues on back fl ap)
Craig E. Runde is director of the Center for
Confl ict Dynamics at Eckerd College.
Tim A. Flanagan is director of Custom Pro-
grams at the Leadership Development Institute
at Eckerd College.
Runde and Flanagan are the authors of
Building Confl ict Competent Teams and
Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader (both
from Jossey-Bass). Visit the authors’ web site at
www.confl ictcompetent.com.
The Center for Creative Leadership (CCL®)
is a top-ranked, global provider of executive
education that develops better leaders through
its exclusive focus on leadership education and
research. Founded in 1970 as a nonprofi t, edu-
cational institution, CCL helps clients worldwide
cultivate creative leadership—the capacity to
achieve more than imagined by thinking and
acting beyond boundaries—through an array of
programs, products, and other services.
Praise for Developing Your Confl ict Competence
“A must-have guidebook for the new age of global business. This book shows every leader how to turn feelings of fear into feelings of safety, suspicion into trust, and competitiveness into collaboration.”
—Jim Kouzes, coauthor of the best-selling book The Leadership Challenge and Dean’s Executive Professor of Leadership, Leavey School of Business, Santa Clara University
“Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan use their vast experience to give us Developing Your Confl ict Competence. Move beyond negative workplace confl ict to positive and constructive outcomes with the simple tools and suggestions in this must-read fi eld guide!”
—Marshall Goldsmith, best-selling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Succession: Are You Ready?, and the upcoming MOJO
“Runde and Flanagan have taken their Confl ict Competence Model to the next level. Their basic tenets of con- fl ict competence: cool down, slow down, and engage constructively are proven techniques for moving from confl ict to collaboration. Whether you are a manager, team leader, trainer, or simply interested in self-improve- ment, this is a must-have book for enhancing your confl ict competence.”
—Ed Nolan, managing director, Learning and Organizational Development, AAA Auto Club South
“The quintessential guide to leveraging confl ict for positive outcomes. Full of practical tools and examples, it is a must-have on your bookshelf.”
—Erica Bader Sorrell, executive director, Management and Executive Education, Rollins College
“The hands-on tools outlined in Developing Your Confl ict Competence were instrumental in developing the ability of our refueling outage leadership team to deal with thousands of competing activities, hundreds of temporary employees, and long work hours—a natural recipe for confl ict. As we prepare for future refueling outages, we continue to spread the book’s teachings to our permanent staff and supplemental workforce.”
—Chris Schwarz, site vice president, Palisades Nuclear Power Station Entergy
“I’ve read the authors’ fi rst two books, Becoming a Confl ict Competent Leader and Building Confl ict Com- petent Teams. Their latest book pulls it all together by providing models, examples, and thought-provoking insight. It will be required reading for my senior management team.”
—Deborah Jallad, president/chairman, Accredited Surety and Casualty Company, Inc.
P H
O T
O B
Y M
A T
T H
E W
R U
N D
E
P H
O T
O B
Y R
O N
A L D
C O
O K
C R A I G E . R U N D E C R A I G E . R U N D E a n da n d T I M A . F L A N A G A NT I M A . F L A N A G A N
a u t h o r s o f B e c o m i n g a C o n f l i c t C o m p e t e n t L e a d e r
DEVELOPING DEVELOPING YOUR CONFLICT YOUR CONFLICT
COMPETENCECOMPETENCE
D E
V E
L O
P IN
G Y
O U
R C
O N
F L
IC T
C O
M P
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C E
A Hands-On Guide for LEADERS, MANAGERS,
FACILITATORS, and TEAMS
THE CENTER FOR CREATIVE LEADERSHIP Ranked in the Top 5 Worldwide for Executive Education by BusinessWeek
M O R E C O N T E N T I N C L U D E D O N T H E I N T E R N E T
“An amazingly comprehensive collection of designs, options, examples, and techniques on how to move from confl ict avoidance to constructive resolution.”
—Jim Kouzes, coauthor, The Leadership Challenge Confl ict is inevitable in any
organization. Successful leaders
know that if confl ict is embraced
rather than avoided it can lead
to fresh opportunities, solutions,
and results.
R U
N D
E
F L
A N
A G
A N
(Continued from front fl ap)
authors present specifi c approaches for
changing organizational culture so confl ict
can be addressed with effectiveness and
immediacy.
Developing Your Confl ict Competence
demonstrates how anyone confronted with
confl ict can cool down, slow down, and
engage constructively.
FREE Premium ContentP MANAGEMENT/CONFLICT RESOLUTION
This book includes premium content that can be accessed from our Web site when you register at www.josseybass.com/go/runde using the password professional.
www.josseybass.com
- Developing Your Conflict Competence: A Hands-On Guide for Leaders, Managers, Facilitators, and Teams
- Contents
- Preface: What’s a Hands-On Guide and Why Should I Be Interested?
- Introduction
- Chapter One: Introduction
- DEFINING CONFLICT COMPETENCE
- Chapter Two: Cognitive Aspects of Conflct
- CONFLICT ATTITUDES
- APPRECIATING THE VALUE OF DEALING WITH CONFLICT
- UNDERSTANDING HOW YOU CURRENTLY RESPOND TO CONFLICT
- IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BUSINESS
- DISCOVERING YOUR CONFLICT STYLES
- BEVERLY’S APPROACH
- DECONSTRUCTING CONFLICT: A METHOD FOR UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMICS OF CONFLICT
- Chapter Three: The Emotional Side of Conflict
- UNDERSTANDING HOW EMOTIONS ARISE IN CONFLICT
- PERSONAL HOT BUTTONS
- ADDRESSING FEARS
- CENTERING
- COGNITIVE REAPPRAISAL
- MINDFULNESS
- CORE CONCERNS APPROACH
- CHANGING FOCUS
- POSITIVE EMOTIONS
- RESILIENCE
- SLOWING DOWN
- Chapter Four: Engaging Conflict Constructively
- CONSTRUCTIVE ENGAGEMENT
- FOUR CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORAL ELEMENTS
- DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS TO AVOID AND CONTROL
- ORCHESTRATING THE USE OF CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
- Chapter Five: Team Conflict Competence
- THE RIGHT CLIMATE
- CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION
- GETTING AND STAYING ON TRACK
- VIRTUAL AND GLOBAL TEAMS
- Chapter Six: Organizational Conflict Competence
- BENEFITS OF ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT COMPETENCE
- ADDRESSING CONFLICT SYSTEMATICALLY
- THE TSA EXPERIENCE
- CHALLENGES OF MANAGING ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT
- CULTURE AUDITS
- THE LEADER’S ROLE IN ORGANIZATIONAL CONFLICT COMPETENCE
- Resources
- References
- The Authors
- About the Center For Creative Leadership
- Index
