Manage Through Communication

43

chapter three

Trust of Communication

The Second of The Three Cs: Trust of Communication

“I’m really disappointed and disturbed!” Laurie stated. “As a supervisor of this unit, I’m always looking out for my people and trying to do the right thing for the company. I can’t believe my employees perceived my actions as self-serving!”

Have you ever felt the pain of being misunderstood? Have people misread your intentions as self-serving when you were honestly acting in the best interests of your company? Have you been in situations where others had negative perceptions that were far from the truth, yet they operated on those incorrect assumptions without checking their accuracy?

“All I did was inform the boss about what was happening out in the field—information he needed to know—and he blew up at me!” Bob, a new sales rep, said in exasperation. “I’m never going to stick my neck out again!”

Have you ever been shot down as the messenger communi- cating bad news, yet you had nothing to do with creating that bad news? Maybe you were trying to avert major problems, even head

Reina3e_rev.indd 43 11/26/14 7:33 AM

C o p y r i g h t 2 0 1 5 . B e r r e t t - K o e h l e r P u b l i s h e r s .

A l l r i g h t s r e s e r v e d . M a y n o t b e r e p r o d u c e d i n a n y f o r m w i t h o u t p e r m i s s i o n f r o m t h e p u b l i s h e r , e x c e p t f a i r u s e s p e r m i t t e d u n d e r U . S . o r a p p l i c a b l e c o p y r i g h t l a w .

EBSCO Publishing : eBook Collection (EBSCOhost) - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY AN: 846281 ; Dennis Reina PhD, Michelle Reina PhD.; Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace : Building Effective Relationships in Your Organization Account: shapiro.main.eds

44 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

off a disaster for the company, yet your good intentions were nei- ther acknowledged nor appreciated. Possibly you were even pun- ished for being proactive.

Whether the situation involves relationships with your co- worker, bosses, or employees, painful misunderstandings, ill- placed outbursts, and undeserved hurts happen every day on the job. They result in decreased risk taking and collaboration, breakdowns in information sharing, diminished performance, and damaged Trust of Communication.

What Is Trust of Communication?

Trust of Communication is the form of trust that allows you and your colleagues to know where you stand with one another and with your shared work. It’s the trust that creates an environment of openness and transparency that “greases the skids” for col- laboration and candid two-way exchanges. It empowers you to

R E C I P R O C A L

TRUST OF CAPABILITY

TRUST OF CHARACTER

C R E A T E D I N C R E M E N T A L LY

TRUST OF COMMUNICATION Share information

Tell the truth Admit mistakes

Give and receive constructive feedback Maintain confidentiality

Speak with good purpose

DIMENSIONS OF TRUST®Three Dimensions of Trust

Reina3e_rev.indd 44 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 45

both give and get the information you need to do your job, take responsibility for and learn from your mistakes, and talk through issues and concerns with an eye toward deep understanding and effective resolutions. Trust of Communication helps you create workplace relationships infused with positive energy, a sense of community, and shared purpose.

You earn Trust of Communication by practicing six primary behaviors: share information, tell the truth, admit mistakes, give and receive constructive feedback, maintain confidentiality, and speak with good purpose.

Behaviors that Contribute to Trust of Communication

You need Trust of Communication to develop open, honest inter- actions that will support you and your colleagues in doing your best work. You want trustworthy communication, right? Cultivat- ing it begins with you. Let’s explore how to get it by practicing the six Trust of Communication behaviors.

Share Information

Do the people you work with willingly provide information to others? Or is information shared on a “need to know” basis? Do you assume you’re obligated to share only what others need to complete specific tasks or projects? Do your bosses or colleagues take this approach with you? Answering these questions requires honesty, both with yourself and with others.

Think about how fast the world is moving and how this speed highlights the importance of fluid information flow. You know firsthand how vital information is to you. You can’t be effective without it. You and others need timely information to tie your efforts to your organization’s purpose and strategy.

Reina3e_rev.indd 45 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

46 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

In theory, people know how important sharing information is. In practice, however, they all too often experience the bur- den of progress being interrupted when critical information isn’t received. Trust of Communication breakdowns persist when you and others can’t get your hands on the information you need to do your jobs. This is especially true when expectations are changing.

Jerry, the president of a large manufacturing operation, asked us to assist him in assessing the climate of his organization. The changes the company had made were not producing the desired results, and the president had a sense that there was some disconnect in the level of understanding among the employees regarding the change. Although the president felt the detachment, he wasn’t sure how to address it.

When provided with a safe forum to talk, people shared their experiences regarding how the recent changes had been managed:

“There was lack of communication—and much miscom- munication—regarding changes that were taking place. Peo- ple felt lied to. Human Resources had to pick up the pieces after being left out of the decisions. Even if management didn’t have the answers, they simply needed to say ‘We don’t know.’ It appeared as though leadership was operating in a chaos mode.”

“The information flow has dried up. The rumor mill and grapevine is our source of information. We never know how accurate it is. We feel as though we’ve been cut adrift and are floating aimlessly.”

The president’s sense that something was wrong proved to be correct. The lack of information had contributed to loss of

Reina3e_rev.indd 46 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 47

confidence and trust in the future direction of the company. As a result, people no longer trusted what they heard and felt less committed to the organization.

When information isn’t shared—or there’s a perception that it hasn’t been shared—people feel left out, let down, and betrayed. This is especially true when there is shifting of strategic direction, roles, and reporting structures. When the flow of information is stymied, people feel cut off from the pulse of their workplace. They sense they haven’t been trusted with the information they need to effectively perform and, in response, withhold their trust from others. Anxiety increases; energy is diverted from the work at hand. Guesswork and doubt take over, confidence and com- mitment erode, and relationships and results suffer. Positive out- comes are rare when needed information is withheld—even if that concealment is unintentional.

On the other hand, when information is shared, people develop the clarity they need to do their best work, extend infor- mation to others in good faith, and enjoy the blossoming of col- laborative relationships. They feel safe to voice their perspectives, questions, and concerns, and navigate the impact of change on their lives. When you and others are armed with a sense of know- ing what’s what, you’re able to focus on performing your jobs with confidence rather than expend energy trying to fill information gaps. You feel informed and connected, and you find comfort in knowing that whatever happens, you’re in good company to weather the storm.

Sharing information inspires collaborative relationships.

Reina3e_rev.indd 47 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

48 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

Given the payoffs to sharing information, why would people withhold it? There are numerous reasons—some conscious, delib- erate, and based on good reasons, and others not.

Information can be confidential. At times, managing informa- tion is a balancing act of keeping those with whom you work informed and fulfilling your obligations to maintain confiden- tial and proprietary information. Transparency can be difficult in these situations, but not impossible. In these instances, it may be helpful to share that you’re not at liberty to discuss some infor- mation, that you’re constrained by a code of confidentiality. Then be clear about what information can and cannot be disclosed. Others will understand the need for confidentiality and respect your responsibility to maintain it. Your explicitness, genuine hon- esty, and commitment to maintaining two-way accountability will enhance others’ trust in you.

Information can be a security blanket. In addition to confiden- tiality, personal insecurities may divert the flow of information, the most common being the fear of loss of control. People may fear that not being the only ones “in the know” will reduce their value to or power within the organization. This is most common when people are feeling particularly vulnerable and perhaps threatened. They respond out of a need to justify themselves and their roles. Or they may be driven to further their personal agendas or secure power or influence. You may find yourself withholding information for these reasons. You may not be ready to trust that others have your best interests at heart. The problem with this posture of gatekeeping is that you’re inadvertently reinforcing a cycle of mistrust. When oth- ers see that you’re withholding from them, they’ll follow suit.

Reina3e_rev.indd 48 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 49

Information can be taken for granted. At other times, you may not even be aware you’re withholding information. When under pressure, it’s easy and normal to assume communication channels are flowing. You may not intentionally withhold it, but the impact of missing information on others is the same—diminished trust across your relationships, and perhaps even feelings of betrayal.

Trust begins with you. To avoid breakdowns in Trust of Com- munication, you may find it helpful to incorporate an information check-in with your co-workers, boss, and others who rely on you to provide them with updates. Review your understanding of their information needs and ask them if you’re giving them what they require to do their best work. Expand the conversation by review- ing your information needs and extend the courtesy of asking for the most helpful method for you to give and ask for what’s needed.

Giving and receiving information is in essence giving and receiving trust. Growing trust results in stronger work communi- ties filled with people who know their peers will support them in meeting their goals.

Giving and receiving information is in essence giving and receiving trust.

Tell the Truth

“I’m afraid of what will happen if I honestly share my thoughts,” Roland, a quality engineer, said hesitantly. “I’ve developed a tendency to say what I think others want me to say rather than how I truly feel. This isn’t the way I want to be, but this is how I feel safest in my current work envi- ronment. You’d think that as long as I’m professional and

Reina3e_rev.indd 49 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

50 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

considerate in expressing my opinions, there shouldn’t be any negative consequences—but unfortunately this is not always the case.”

Do you fear what will happen if you honestly share your thoughts and feelings at work? Do you fall back on saying what you think others want you to say rather than what you truly feel? Do you ever signal to others—perhaps even unconsciously—that you don’t want their true opinions?

People need a safe work environment where they can voice their concerns, feelings, and needs. They need to openly talk about issues. People want straightforward communication from their leaders and one another. This means no lying, no exaggerat- ing, no stretching or omitting or spinning of the truth. Lying and spinning destroy trust. If people don’t tell the truth, trust can’t grow. This is particularly important in our increasingly globalized economy, where honesty is essential to building trusting relation- ships cross-culturally. Because trust and honesty go together, your ability to tell and encourage the truth is crucial for build- ing trust and fostering honest communication in your workplace relationships.

Your ability to tell the truth is essential for building trust.

It’s important to realize there are different kinds of truth. There is the truth about the status of a project. The status of a decision. The status of change. The truth about a position. A cli- ent. A goal. And there are more personal truths—the truth of your thoughts, opinions, and perspectives. The truth about your confidences and vulnerabilities. Being aware of the different forms

Reina3e_rev.indd 50 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 51

truth takes—and being willing and ready to share all of them— deepens your trustworthiness in your relationships, both at home and at work.

Telling the truth isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. People engage in half-truths or little white lies regularly. Have you been on the receiving end of a partial truth? A white lie? Expe- rienced someone telling you what they think you want to hear rather than giving it to you straight? Have others been on the receiving end of you doing the same?

“We don’t speak the truth at work,” Julie, a schoolteacher, said. “People tend to withhold the truth or ‘sugar-coat’ it to protect the relationship or to avoid negative repercussions. We are afraid of the truth. We don’t trust what others will do with it.”

Sometimes telling the truth can be difficult. You may be nervous others will get frustrated with you or won’t like what you have to say. You may worry they will blame, judge, or criticize you. You worry that you will lose the relationship. You may not be sure if the per- son is open to hearing your perspective. You might slip into giving a comfortable variation of the truth—or sharing a partial truth— because you want to be accepted.

To help you come to terms with the inherent complexity of truth telling, it may be helpful for you to realize that the truth you are telling is “your truth.” You are unique and the truth you tell is based upon your experience. Honor yourself and your perspective by avoiding exaggeration or putting a spin on your perspective.

Although you may feel safer not being honest in the moment, in the long run, your relationships will be damaged by this hesi- tancy. Avoiding the truth causes your credibility to break down, your trustworthiness to be compromised, and puts the acceptance

Reina3e_rev.indd 51 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

52 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

you seek at risk. Hiding the truth fosters an environment of doubt and confusion where it’s impossible for trust to grow. In the end, you don’t feel good about yourself.

Telling the truth takes courage. The reward for having coura- geous conversations about your thoughts, feelings, and perspec- tives is that you’re perceived as authentic and trustworthy. People notice your willingness to be vulnerable, and they share their vul- nerability with you in return. As you extend trust through your truth, others are inclined to tell you their truth in return. This transparency will allow you and your co-workers to forge deeper connections, take pride in your work, make better decisions, and render stronger contributions to your workplace.

How to Tell the Truth

 State facts, and then offer your opinion or perspective of those facts.

 Be explicit that you’re offering your interpretation of the facts, so there is no confusion about what you’re communicating:

 “This is my understanding of . . .”

 “This is my opinion.”

 Be open to hearing an alternate point of view:

 “This is my take on the situation. What’s yours?”

 “This is how I see things. How do you see them?”

 Acknowledge that it might be difficult for others to hear what you have to say:

 “I know this might be difficult to hear, but I’d like to share the full story . . . or provide all the information.”

 Acknowledge when it’s difficult for you to tell your truth:

 “This is hard for me. I feel a bit awkward.”

 “I’m a little nervous how you or others might react.”

 Check the accuracy and appropriateness of your information:

 “This is the information I have. These are the facts, as I under- stand them. Have I missed something?”

Reina3e_rev.indd 52 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 53

People often focus on the need for those in hierarchical posi- tions of leadership to tell the truth. Yes, employees typically intuit when they are not getting the straight scoop. People working together side by side every day, however, are also highly attuned to receiving spin from one another. Truth telling begins with each and every individual. It begins with you.

Admit Mistakes

“When I take responsibility and admit my mistakes, it makes it safe for others to admit theirs,” said Kate, a shift supervisor. “The last thing I need is to be blindsided by covered up mistakes my team members made that I should have known about and cor- rected before orders were shipped to our customers.”

“We need to increase our speed to market,” said Max, a project lead. “This means we’ve got to find new, innovative ways of manufacturing our products. I need everyone on my team to think out of the box, to take some risks. Yes, they’ll make mistakes, but we all need to treat those mistakes as an investment in our future position in the marketplace.”

As the complexity of the business world increases, it’s difficult for you to have the right answers for all your questions and prob- lems the first time around. You need to expand your approach and accept the reality that mistakes will be made along the way as you develop new solutions.

Your organization needs you to take risks in order to grow. You also need to take risks to grow as a person. Sometimes you’ll get the results you thought you’d get and sometimes you won’t. If you aren’t making mistakes, however, you aren’t growing. The biggest gains and deepest lessons learned come from mistakes— when you allow yourself to make them.

Reina3e_rev.indd 53 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

54 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

An environment where people take risks, innovate, and stretch themselves to make progress is an environment where mistakes happen. We all make mistakes. Even with the best inten- tions, there will be times when you are pulled in several directions or simply distracted by everyday concerns, and errors or slip-ups will happen.

How do you respond to mistakes you make? Do you beat yourself up? Are you hard on yourself? Or do you consider that you made your best effort? How do you handle mistakes made by others? Do you focus on the results they didn’t get or search for insights and lessons?

An environment where people feel free to admit mistakes is an environment that inspires innovation.

How you respond to your own and others’ mistakes sets the tone for your relationships and is a key factor in squashing or cre- ating Trust of Communication. When you own your errors, you show others that you are a fallible human being, just like them. You show them that you care about your company, take your work seriously, and want to learn from your missteps. You let oth- ers know you can be trusted to take responsibility for your actions and that they can feel safe to do so, too.

Admitting mistakes isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength. You inspire trust. You become known as a person who suspends judgment, extends compassion, and gains perspective on why mistakes happened in the first place.

So, given the benefit of owning up, why would you not admit your mistake? You may be in a situation where you worry that you’ll be judged, criticized, or seen as “less than” if you fess up

Reina3e_rev.indd 54 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 55

that you messed up. You may be concerned that you’ll be per- ceived as less valuable to your organization. Or you may be so overwhelmed with the pressures of everyday work that you’re too anxious about how to handle your mistake. You might be tempted to “save yourself some trouble” by simply ignoring it or moving on as if nothing has happened.

Or, you might choose to make excuses or blame others. The problem with blaming or pointing the finger at others is

that you and they can’t learn the valuable lessons mistakes bring. Thomas Edison tried 1,600 materials before he discovered the right one. You can choose to focus on his 1,599 mistakes, or not. Edison categorized his errors, learned from them, and invented the light bulb.

Covering up mistakes, justifying them, or blaming them on others wastes precious time, impacts productivity, arrests inno- vation, and stifles creativity. The impacts are equally negative when you put others down, judge them, or ridicule them for their mistakes: collaboration breaks down, trust is eroded, people pull back, and the status quo takes over. Remember, you don’t break trust when you admit a mistake—you break trust in how you handle the aftermath of both your own and others’ errors. Trust begins with you.

To admit your mistake, it’s always a good idea to speak directly to those most impacted by your misstep. Taking responsibility for making corrections and forging a stronger path forward can go a long way in maintaining (or rebuilding) others’ trust in you. And a simple “I’m sorry” is always appreciated, regardless of your mis- take’s size or impact. You can learn a great deal by reflecting on the perspective you’ve gained after the incident and considering how you can apply these lessons to your work as you move forward.

Reina3e_rev.indd 55 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

56 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

Give and Receive Constructive Feedback

“Many people here avoid giving feedback because they’re afraid of confrontation or of hurting someone’s feelings,” shared Sylvia, an instructional designer. “Also, giving feed- back can involve lengthy conversations where issues are brought to the table. Many times, it’s easier to avoid doing this. I’m not saying this is effective, but it happens in this workplace.”

“I know it’s going to be difficult for Joseph to hear how he came across in the meeting with the division team,” said Cliff, an account manager. “But I have a responsibility to provide him with that feedback so that he can grow from it. I don’t want to rob him of that opportunity.”

Do you avoid confrontation because you fear your criticism will hurt the other person’s feelings? Can you open yourself up to receiving feedback—without getting defensive?

Feedback matters. Most people associate feedback with con- versations that directly relate to job performance. It’s true this kind of feedback is essential to trust building. People need to know how their performance is perceived. They want to know if they are on track, or not.

There’s another form of feedback that builds trust, however: the feedback that helps you discover how others experience you in your relationships with them. This feedback is a powerful tool that helps you become more aware of how you’re perceived by others. Sometimes, you show up in ways that don’t match your intentions and you aren’t even aware of it. The vast majority of behavior that breaks trust is unintentional. The only way you can become aware of your inadvertent missteps or the impact of your missteps is through feedback.

Reina3e_rev.indd 56 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 57

Giving and receiving constructive feedback is at the core of raising your self-awareness and building trust into your relation- ships. Through it, you and your co-workers learn how to cre- ate better work results, relate more effectively with one another, and add greater value to your organization and your individual careers. Remember, trust is the bridge between the business need for results and the human need for connection. Work is accom- plished through relationships. You build trust when you engage in feedback with the spirit and intent to honor relationships and help yourself and others learn and grow.

Yet you may struggle with giving effective feedback. You may fear how others will react or be intimidated by their rank or level of responsibility. Perhaps you don’t trust yourself to frame your comments without getting emotional, judgmental, or pull- ing unresolved issues into the conversation. Or you may work in a low-trust environment that positions feedback as punishment rather than as a learning opportunity.

Giving and receiving constructive feedback is at the core of raising your self-awareness.

Requesting feedback—and getting it—can be just as difficult as giving it. It’s human nature to not want others to think you have shortcomings. It may be hard to hear that someone felt let down by you. Slighted by you. Or that your comment hurt their feelings.

Additionally, you may not trust what you hear because you have reason to believe the criticism is not intended for your ben- efit, but is rather meant to hurt or harm you. Or you may hear echoes of prior painful mistakes that cloud your perspective. And sometimes, it’s just plain hard to look at yourself—or ask others to

Reina3e_rev.indd 57 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

58 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

do so. It may feel easier to avoid conflict, shortcomings, and mis- takes than be proactive in addressing them.

Hesitancy to give, ask for, and receive direct feedback is both understandable and common. Yet it can hold you and your team- mates back from learning and growing.

Frank, a logistics coordinator, shared that his team meetings were too cordial. “Everyone is so courteous to one another— too courteous,” he remarked. Upon our further probing, he detected unresolved conflicts among the team members.

Because of their reluctance to confront issues openly and give one another constructive feedback, many issues sim- mered just beneath the surface of Frank’s team and did not get addressed. Team members talked with their leader about their concerns, but they were unwilling to speak directly with one another. They hoped the team leader would intervene and do the talking. As the situation continued to decline, the level of trust among the team members deteriorated.

No matter how difficult or uncomfortable it can be, it’s imper- ative that you give, ask for, and receive honest feedback. Failure to do so robs you and others of chances to connect with one another on a more meaningful level and build trusting relationships. When perceptions are not shared and issues don’t get resolved through constructive feedback, the issues of today get lumped together with the issues of yesterday. They grow in their magni- tude and impact. Trust is undermined because people don’t know where they stand or which direction to go next.

When others give you feedback, you may not always agree with what they perceive about you. It’s important to remember that their perceptions matter; they impact how they bring them- selves to your shared work. You may discover that when you keep

Reina3e_rev.indd 58 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 59

an open mind, you learn something you didn’t know about your- self, as well as about the people sharing their insights. Feedback helps you see things and create opportunities that otherwise may not have been open and available to you. This raised awareness helps you make better choices about how to improve aspects of your performance and move forward in your career.

Nicole is an office manager. In her small team of four peo- ple, Nicole served as the ringleader in pushing back against expectations set by upper management.

“I don’t mean to be disruptive, but I don’t understand this new process,” Nicole would interrupt. A co-worker observed how often she would self-sabotage her communications. “I think you’re a nice person, but you don’t know what you’re talking about,” she’d blurt out in a meeting. Her co-worker reread Nicole’s emails and saw her efforts to engage. In every message, however, she counted the dozens of times Nicole had used the word but.

“Nicole, you’re the ‘but’ lady,” her colleague Samantha shared over a cup of coffee in the empty conference room. At first, Nicole didn’t believe her co-worker. Three hours later, Nicole came back to Samantha’s office. She’d reviewed her own email correspondence and was shaken by her findings.

“I’m so embarrassed,” Nicole said. “No one has every approached me about this. I’ve always been told I am diffi- cult to approach, and now I see why.”

After receiving this feedback, Nicole began to speak her own truth with inclusive ands instead of exclusive buts.

Evaluations, performance reviews, contract renewals, rene- gotiations, team meetings, and water cooler conversations: feed- back is part of organizational life. But how do you tell people their

Reina3e_rev.indd 59 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

60 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

behaviors are negatively affecting performance or your work- ing relationship? Important to remember is that it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it—and the intention with which you offer your insights. Is your intent to put the person down, to prove him or her wrong, and to make yourself right? Or is your wish to make your colleague aware of how he or she is perceived and to strengthen the relationship?

It’s not so much what you say as how and when you say it.

When you share your perspectives with a colleague, boss, or employee, it’s vital that you keep the other person “whole.” You do this by focusing on specific behaviors and being true to your posi- tive intention to help rather than judge or criticize the other person’s character. When people are put down or made to feel wrong or infe- rior as human beings, their human dignity is betrayed. No one wins.

When you extend compassion while giving feedback, how- ever, you support others to see opportunities to improve some- thing—whether it’s a behavior, skill, or approach to a relationship. You demonstrate that you care for the other person and that you’re willing to invest in your mutual effectiveness. You build a deeper sense of understanding for how to move forward together in a strong way. People feel safe in proactively requesting feedback from you if they trust your positive intentions in sharing it.

In addition to approaching feedback with compassion, you build trust in your relationships when you express your true thoughts and feelings in a timely and situational-appropriate manner. You inspire trust when you take the time to discover why they behaved the way they did and when you demonstrate appre- ciation and gratitude for your shared work and relationship.

Reina3e_rev.indd 60 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 61

You can reflect this gratitude by sharing what you appreciate about your co-workers and what you value about your connec- tions with them. You may even wish to engage others in cre- ative conversation where together you brainstorm ways you can strengthen your relationships. Do not underestimate the power of gratitude and appreciation. It helps to keep you, them, and the relationship whole.

To give feedback effectively, you need to be willing to receive it in return with gratitude. When others give you feedback, listen closely and hear their intentions, instead of pulling away with a focus on your comeback or response. Being defensive prevents you from learning. Make an effort to be open and show genuine interest in what you hear. When you do, people will experience your receptiveness and will feel safe in sharing their perceptions. You will earn their trust, and you’ll gain the added benefit of hear- ing their perceptions again in the future.

Constructive feedback conversations take courage, ongoing discipline, and an expansive view of your workplace relationships. The traditional approach to feedback is top down—boss to subor- dinate. In trusting relationships, feedback is a 360-degree process, with all levels of responsibility respectively sharing their insights with their peers, bosses, employees, suppliers, and other external partners.

Having the courage to engage in constructive feedback con- versations is an ongoing discipline that demonstrates commit- ment to fostering trust in your relationships. Consider engaging in feedback proactively to check in on the relationship rather than waiting for a disappointment or breakdown to occur. Share what works in your relationships, and then work through what doesn’t on a regular basis. It may be helpful to explicitly ask what others

Reina3e_rev.indd 61 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

62 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

need from you and be ready to share what you need from them to produce your best work.

In trusting relationships, feedback is a two-way street—you give it and you receive it.

Engaging others to provide you with ongoing feedback dem- onstrates your commitment to your relationships and signals your willingness to accept help to continually grow as an individ- ual. When this happens, the level of trust in your relationships is enhanced. Constructive feedback is a gift, both to those who give it and to those who receive it.

Maintain Confidentiality

“I’m appalled that my co-workers discuss confidential infor- mation inappropriately,” said Nancy, a customer service rep- resentative. “The eagerness of some to expose confidential information about a colleague or misuse personal informa- tion of co-workers is demoralizing.”

“If people come to me in confidence and share something that’s happened to them, I honor their confidence,” said Jack, a copy editor. “If I don’t, I know rumors will get started, things will get out of hand, and damage will be done.”

In any kind of relationship, confidentiality is essential to maintain- ing Trust of Communication. When others share private or sen- sitive information with you, they’re demonstrating their trust in you. You have an obligation to honor their trust in the same way you would want them to honor yours.

You may link the behavior of maintaining confidentiality with critical, proprietary business information. The need for this kind of confidentiality is well understood and rarely violated. You know

Reina3e_rev.indd 62 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 63

if you betray a confidence that is viewed as a business responsi- bility that you can jeopardize advancement opportunities or risk losing your job completely.

You are often exposed to other forms of information where confidentially is equally important. You may become aware of information regarding structure, roles, and responsibility shifts. Perhaps you become “in the know” of the creation of a new posi- tion, including the job’s salary range. When this type of infor- mation is shared inappropriately, at the wrong time and in the wrong manner, it can feed the rumor mill and diminish the intended positive outcome of future announcements. Addition- ally, it prevents your co-workers from carrying out communica- tions in a thoughtful manner and denies others the opportunity to hear news first directly from those who are tasked with deliv- ering it.

When you share or become aware of key decisions and infor- mation via backroom channels and gossip, doubt and specula- tion often replace openness and receptivity. You and others may begin to withdraw and hold back from sharing your own infor- mation, for fear that your words may be misconstrued or used against you in the future. An environment in which confidences are not respected or maintained breeds distrust and causes dam- age to workplace relationships, perhaps irreparably so.

Do you respect others’ requests to maintain the confiden- tiality of sensitive information? Have you ever slipped and let a secret out or leaked information to a close friend? Have you ever shared personal information that you’re having troubles with your spouse, that your son is failing in school, or that you’re looking for another job only to hear your private communication bounced around the water cooler a week later?

How do you deal with this kind of infraction?

Reina3e_rev.indd 63 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

64 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

Having this kind of conversation lets people know that you know they’ve violated your trust. When you ask for accountabil- ity, it establishes a clear boundary and sets explicit expectations regarding future communications. If you fail to address breaches of confidentiality, then animosity and distrust will creep into your relationships with others. If this behavior proliferates in the work- place, its impact will destroy trust and cripple the organization.

Speak with Good Purpose

GOSSIP!!! Yes, I am aware of gossip around here,” said Pete, a training instructor. “Who isn’t? You’d either have to be deaf, dumb, and blind or living in seclusion not to hear it. Although I don’t condone it, I’m sure I’m a perpetrator as

Tips for Dealing with a Confidentiality Breach

The best way to deal with a breach is to have a direct, honest conversation with the person who leaked the information.

 Remind the other person of what you expected when you shared your thoughts:

 “I trusted you with information. I asked you to maintain confidentiality.”

 Be candid in your knowledge of what occurred:

 “I’ve learned that you shared my information with someone else.”

 Be explicit in your future expectations:

 “I expect from you the same high degree of integrity and confidentiality that I bring to you.”

 Ask for confirmation of understanding:

 “If I have a conversation with you in confidence, I expect you to keep it in confidence. Are we in agreement?”

Reina3e_rev.indd 64 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 65

well as a victim of it. When I gossip about someone else, I tend to feel guilty, but only after everything is said and done because, honestly, no one thinks about it when they are actu- ally doing it!”

“We have an agreement on this team, to talk directly to one another when a problem arises rather than complain behind one another’s back,” said Theo, a mid-level team leader. “We’ve learned that when you hear others talking in a negative way, it’s important to encourage them to stop and talk to the person directly. Also, before reacting to some- thing you hear, it’s important find out the whole story. Often what we hear through the grapevine is not accurate and can be quite damaging. Only we can stop that damage from occurring.”

We’ve worked with hundreds of teams in different parts of the world. They all share a propensity to gossip. Gossip is the most frequent trust breaking behavior practiced in teams.

Do you talk or gossip about co-workers behind their backs? Do you share what is troubling you clearly and freely, or do you use insinuating remarks or slighting digs to convey your thoughts and feelings indirectly? When you’re called to task for these belit- tling remarks, do you take responsibility or hide behind a white lie? Oh, I was only joking. Don’t be so sensitive!

Have you ever been the brunt of gossip? Have you discovered that someone else’s issue with you is the topic at lunch or after work drinks? How did you feel when this happened? What hap- pened to your trust in others?

The behavior of speaking with good purpose is a litmus test for developing trust-based relationships. We’ve established that

Reina3e_rev.indd 65 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

66 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

disappointments, frustrations, and trust breakdowns come with the territory of relationships. You speak with good purpose when you talk directly with the individual who has broken your trust with the positive intention of resolving your issues. In pursuing these straightforward communications, you establish your expec- tations that others will bring their concerns directly to you. After all, if people have issues with you, you want to hear about the issues directly from them rather than from someone else, right?

Gossip is the number one killer of communication trust in teams.

When you talk about your concerns with others rather than the person you have an issue with, you fuel gossip and feed the rumor mill. You contribute to a negative environment in which agi- tation and speculation steal focus from where it belongs—on the work itself. It becomes difficult for you and others to focus on goals and creative problem solving when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who is talking about you behind your back. Your energy is depleted by negative thoughts and concerns.

When you hide behind inappropriate humor and sarcasm, gossip, criticize, or shun others, you undermine trust in your communications. You shirk your responsibility to say what really needs to be said and inject negative thoughts into the minds of those around you—and into your own mind as well. In this way, you actually betray yourself. You not only lose trust with the indi- vidual with whom you have an issue or concern, but others note your behavior. They become sensitive to the way you speak to them and become more cautious with what they share with you because they don’t consider you trustworthy. They may fear that you’ll talk about them behind their backs, too. That fear is reason- able. If someone gossips to you about another person, you suspect

Reina3e_rev.indd 66 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 67

you, too, will be the topic of their gossip. What goes around comes around.

There are a variety of reasons why people struggle to find the courage to speak with good purpose: the most common of which is they just don’t know how. Here, we can help.

Mounting, unaddressed issues that get funneled into the grapevine turn into major problems and conflicts later on— leading to devastating impact on your own and others’ relation- ships, morale, performance, and trust. People’s reputations and opportunities can be damaged due to gossip—not to mention the impact on the human spirit and work performance. The bottom line is that no value comes from gossip.

“Oh, but I was only venting,” one individual shared to defend her gossip. “We all need to vent from time to time,” exclaimed another. “This is how we connect with one another—we share our common concerns about someone else.”

How to Speak with Good Purpose

 Prior to engaging with your colleague, take time to center yourself.

 Set a climate where you both feel safe to discuss your points of view.

 Begin the conversation by sharing your intentions.

 Ask the other party to give you more information about the concerns you have.

 Ask for your colleague’s point of view to gain perspective.

 Assume the benefit of doubt.

 Extend compassion by withholding judgment and bias before you’ve heard your colleague explain his or her position.

 Be present in the conversation.

Reina3e_rev.indd 67 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

68 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

Everyone has a need to vent from time to time. When you use venting to help you gain perspective and prepare yourself to speak with good purpose, you preserve trust. If, however, you fall into the trap of venting without sound intent and responsible action, you’ve not contributed to a positive outcome. You’ve simply cho- sen to (wrongly) justify your gossip. Sometimes, it’s easier and more comfortable to rationalize our behavior than it is to own it. When we take ourselves off the hook in this way, we betray trust.

Venting can easily turn into complaining, gossiping, and back- biting when it’s not constructive. Although it may make you feel better in the moment because you’ve released your frustration, venting does not make the issue go away. There is no positive out- come unless you consider the steps you can take to work through your frustration, issue, need, or concern—directly with the indi- vidual with whom you have it.

Speaking with good purpose takes courage. Regardless of the size of the concern or issue, your ability to speak with good pur- pose, not engage in gossiping and backstabbing, and participate in courageous conversations will have a positive impact on your personal relationships. Others will notice the standard you set for yourself and be encouraged to follow suit.

As Alan, a savvy supervisor shared, “I have made my expec- tations clear: that people in this division address issues and concerns with one another directly rather than through a back door. To back up my expectations, I provided resources to help them develop the skills to do so mindfully. They now directly communicate problems and concerns to the appropriate indi- viduals in an appropriate manner. Sure, there are slip-ups, and gossip does creep in. But it doesn’t create the distraction and damage it once did. It is managed.”

Reina3e_rev.indd 68 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

chapter three  Trust of Communication 69

Speaking out against gossip builds a safe environment in which to trust. Be explicit in your relationships: Don’t engage in gossip. Adopt a stance that backbiting behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable in your relationships. You and your co-workers will build trust as you stop getting distracted by the day-to-day drama of these “empty” communications.

Trust of Communication Builds Relationships

We all have a need for effective relationships with those we work with and live with. We have a need for connection with one another—to be heard, understood, supported, and given the ben- efit of the doubt—particularly when we trip up.

Trust of Communication nurtures the fundamental human need for healthy ways of relating and is essential to meeting busi- ness needs. Business is conducted through relationships, and trust is the foundation of effective relationships.

Trust of Communication is one thread in the delicate fab- ric of human relationships. This fabric takes time to weave and can become easily frayed or torn. Even a single conversation, including those that are misunderstood and unintentional, can have a significant impact toward building or breaking Trust of Communication.

Your credibility unfolds through developing trusting relation- ships based in meaningful dialogue. This connection allows you to find out what matters to other people around you. As you lis- ten and respond to their thoughts and insights, you earn their trust. They feel comfortable to share more with you, and you gain a comprehensive picture of what’s on their minds, as well as in their hearts and souls. You come to understand your colleagues as multidimensional people rather than as “the night shift” or “the finance department.”

Reina3e_rev.indd 69 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use

70 Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace

This realization allows you to develop strong relationships and gain others’ support when you most need it. Inclusion and involvement become integral to your daily interactions. Your words and actions reinforce your trustworthiness. Trust develops between you and your co-workers as you understand they care for you and are there to support you to take risks and to fulfill your responsibilities. And you care for and are there to support them. Trust of Communication contributes to developing a safe and productive work environment where your Capacity for Trust in self and others increases, your relationships flourish, and your organization’s performance expands.

Trust Building in Action Reflecting on Your Experience

1. Where in your personal and work life do you experience high levels of Trust of Communication?

2. Of the six behaviors that contribute to communication trust, choose one or two that you feel represent opportunities for you to build more trust in your relationships with others.

 Share information

 Tell the truth

 Admit mistakes

 Give and receive constructive feedback

 Maintain confidentiality

 Speak with good purpose

3. How do you want to show up in your relationships?

Trust Tip  When you engage in gossip you are sending a message about yourself. You leave doubt in others people’s minds about your trustworthiness. Their inner voice goes off: I wonder what this person says about me behind my back?

Reina3e_rev.indd 70 11/26/14 7:33 AM

EBSCOhost - printed on 10/10/2024 7:22 PM via SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY. All use subject to https://www.ebsco.com/terms-of-use