Informative Essay Revision

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Definition of success

Introduction

It is no secret that all humans crave success. It fuels the growth in the economy and

milestones in areas such as sports, music, politics, and business, among many other fields.

Through it, people gain recognition and respect from their family, friends, and society. It is also

associated with making a lot of money, which is a crucial driver to its attainment. For example,

the best-paid athletes are the ones who have achieved extraordinary results. Society has

constricted the view about success to be limited to money metrics only. One is considered

successful if one is wealthy and has a lot of money. However, I am of a different opinion when it

comes to the topic. This paper aims to provide the reader with the full definition of success as it

should touch all aspects of a person’s life such as health, job satisfaction, family life, and

achievement of goals, not just the financial part.

Aspects of success

Job fulfillment

This may be considered deviating from society's normal expectations, but success is

measured based on the job satisfaction levels a person has. Many people are in high-paying jobs,

but they do not enjoy working there, nor do they find any thrill in completing their job activities.

This leads to disengagement, where someone lives only for a living. This kind of outlook on life

has a way of spreading and affecting other aspects of a person's life. They will not find joy in

their families as they tend to bring home their frustrations. This leads to a lack of connectedness

with their children and their spouse. The quality of life is low even though they may have a lot of

money. Enjoying your job or profession is important as most people engage in it daily.

Formatted: Strikethrough

Comment [PMW2]: This part of the thesis should be worded differently. Think of a way to state the claim without simply saying, “this paper is about…”.

Comment [PMW3]: The green highlights are for transitional sentences not titles for the paragraph. Transitional sentences bring the reader into the paragraph and let them know the information that is coming.

Comment [PMW4]: Excellent statement.

Comment [PMW5]: Good paragraph and speaks to the issues of a standard notion of success.

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Family life

Also, harmony with family is just as important. Having an excellent relationship with

your spouse is essential to success (Lutz-Zois, Bradley, Mihalik, & Moorman-Eavers, 2006).

This is because a person’s partner is the closest person anyone can have at an intimate level. It

offers a place where one can seek refuge when the going gets tough. A person’s mood can be

elevated depending on the actions of their spouse. Most people do not appreciate their partners

and as such the relationship deteriorates and the people live together and may have children

together but do not enjoy each other’s company. They stay in the relationship out of familial

obligations or just formality purposes, but in truth, they are miserable on the inside as everyone

craves affection. The people who receive more love and understanding from their partners tend

to be happier in life. This is a form of success that is hard to come by these days.

Goal achievement

Another critical aspect of success involves the achievement of one's goals. The goals can

be as small as limited to a particular task one is doing right now that may take as little as ten

minutes to complete or lifelong dreams. Lifelong goals are more challenging to achieve than

short-term goals as they require a person's commitment on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and

multi-year basis. It requires time and a lot of effort to achieve. Such goals may range from

elevating the company one works to the top of its industry to more humanitarian purposes such

as providing clean water access to all people in a third world country. Such goals orient

someone’s energy to a specific objective (Koestner, Lekes, Powers, & Chicoine, 2002). When

this is done, money no longer matters to them as they give up their time, money, and energy to

Comment [PMW6]: Again, think about transitional sentences and what their purpose in the essay is.

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Comment [PMW7]: This statement is challenging and way too generalized. Think about how this could be better stated to support the point you are making.

Comment [PMW8]: As noted, these should be removed in the revision and you should focus on transitional sentences.

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Comment [PMW9]: This is confusing.

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attain that goal. This leads to high-level people who work to the best of their abilities with

renewed strength every day. Success includes the attainment of the goals one has set.

Fostering good relationships

It also includes the quality of the relationships one has developed. The relationships we

have with people are diverse. They include the relationships we have with our partners, children,

relatives, friends, and business associates. It is not only limited to this but also to the people who

may seem relatively irrelevant in our lives, such as the mailman, our gardeners, or the shop

attendant at the store we buy our groceries from. These relationships are all vital as they are

points of interaction in our lives. Developing a good relationship with people is necessary to

being happy and developing the support of others. The quality of the relationship does matter a

lot. Having good relationships allows one to get advice and even help from the people they trust.

The feeling of getting help when one needs it is extraordinary. Most people should focus on

creating quality relationships. This is a crucial marker for success.

Personal health and wellbeing

Another essential part of success in achieving personal health. This is because as a person

grows older, things do not work the way they used to. They develop more diseases and will be

required to visit the hospital more regularly. Living in the now is essential. The choices a person

makes considering their health is critical (Musschenga, 1997). Quitting bad habits such as

smoking, drinking, using drugs, among others, can be life-changing. A focus on getting healthier

should then follow this. Regular exercises and eating healthy will lead to good health. This will

lead to the enjoyment of one's life.

Conclusion

Comment [PMW10]: This is another fairly strong paragraph. In the revision, think about how this could be clarified and focused a bit more.

Comment [PMW11]: Incomplete sentence.

Comment [PMW12]: Be clear on what the “It” you are speaking to is.

Comment [PMW13]: The conclusion needs to be stronger and more complete. You should restate the thesis and the main points of the essay and close with a summation statement.

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Success varies from person to person. It does not have to involve these metrics for all

people, but doing what one loves and attaining goals gives a person the right direction to go.

Think about your writing

1. What is the significance of your essay? Why should readers care about what you

have written? (2-3 sentences)

The essay offers new and fresh ideas concerning success. This can challenge a person's

ordinary thinking and make them think of things differently. This will lead to their personal

growth.

2. Which areas of your draft do you think will benefit most from revision? (2-3

sentences)

The relationship aspects of life, this is because it is a complex topic, and I feel I have not

covered it sufficiently with the limited space allowed for.

3. Consider the strengths and weaknesses of your writing. How can you capitalize on

your strengths and improve on your weaknesses in future essays? (3-4 sentences)

Yes, this is possible. One gets better the more they write. I am more likely to develop my

strengths and minimize my weaknesses the more I engage myself.

References

Koestner, R., Lekes, N., Powers, T. A., & Chicoine, E. (2002). Attaining personal goals: Self-

concordance plus implementation intentions equals success: Journal of personality and social

psychology, 83(1), 231.

Comment [PMW14]: Overall, the essay is acceptable. However, there are some noted things to be aware of for the revisions: purpose and clarity of transitional sentences, flow of ideas, and being aware of generalizations that take away from the information.

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Lutz-Zois, C. J., Bradley, A. C., Mihalik, J. L., & Moorman-Eavers, E. R. (2006). Perceived

similarity and relationship success among dating couples: An idiographic approach. Journal

of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(6), 865-880.

Musschenga, A. W. (1997). The relation between concepts of quality-of-life, health, and

happiness. The Journal of Medicine and Philosophy, 22(1), 11-28.

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Touchstone 3 Rubric and Feedback

Rubric Category

Feedback Score (acceptable, needs improvement etc.)

Image Analysis OR Extended Definition

Defines a meaningful and nuanced word or concept in a coherent way, primarily using critical thinking and thoughtful discussion to explore the definition. Primarily goes beyond traditional definitions to define or redefine the word in a new and unique way.

Proficient

Working Thesis

Has an acceptable working thesis that states a claim, but it may be unclear or unfocused, or consist of more than one sentence.

Acceptable

Organization Is missing one of the required components of an essay or most of the components are ineffective. The sequence of sentences and/or paragraphs is frequently illogical and lacks flow.

Needs Improvement

Style and Tone

Demonstrates effective word choices and uses a variety of sentence structures. Establishes an unbiased and impersonal tone that is appropriate for an informative essay, with occasional minor exceptions.

Proficient

Focus Details are predominantly relevant and generally support the purpose of the essay, though some details may be irrelevant and/or distracting.

Acceptable

Conventions There are occasional minor errors in grammar, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, formatting, and usage.

Proficient

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Think About Your Writing

Primarily demonstrates thoughtful reflection, but some responses are lacking in detail or insight. Answers all reflection questions, primarily following response length guidelines.

Acceptable

Overall Score and Feedback: 6/10