4- Attraction, Single Sexuality, and Cohabitation

Deal, R. (2012). Da ng and the Single Parent. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker.

Chapter 6

Finding Love in All the Right Places . . . and in All the Right Ways

I was not married to a Chris an my first me around. I learned that I needed a strong Chris an man; I wouldn’t date just anyone. —Tammy, mom and stepmom Since you could find a poten al mate anywhere, this chapter is really more about how to look for someone worthy of marriage than where. That is the point, remember? Finding someone worthy of marriage—not just someone to have coffee with—is what you’re a er. Ge ng yourself ready is step one. Smart da ng is step two. ARTICULATE YOUR SILHOUETTE When boy meets girl—and boy falls in love with girl—there is a lot of chemistry that is visible to any observer: extended smiles, gazing at each other, gestures that communicate an openness to each other, ela on when you hear from them, random acts of kindness, and the like. But there is also a great deal of chemistry going on internally that no one can see. It centers in a ny sector near the base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area. This area produces dopamine and sends it to many regions of the brain, especially the brain’s reward system, which produces want, mo va on, goal-oriented behavior, energy, and ela on. “So, when you fall madly in love with someone, the brain is producing dopamine, a natural s mulant, to give you the focus, energy, ela on, and mo va on to win life’s greatest prize—a ma ng partner.”[19]

Best Prac ces Da ng Tip Be authen c right from the start even if it means revealing something una rac ve about you. If you hide all your faults, you become fearful that you have to keep up the façade or lose their favor. Don’t set yourself up to perpetually lie. But here’s the downside. This cocktail of biochemistry and highly mo vated behavior is also clouding your judgment about the viability of your selec on. Love is blind, remember? That’s why you need a standard to measure this person by—a silhoue e of substance to temper your dopamine-addicted high from your latest love interest. You need something to help you get below the surface of biochemistry and the many ways people make themselves look good. Plus, when someone measures up, you’ll have confidence that the person you are da ng is worth at least a temporary investment—and perhaps an eternal investment—of your life and the lives of the children. By using the word silhoue e, you might assume I mean the physical outline or bodily shape of the kind of person you are looking for. I do not. You can’t judge a book by its cover, nor determine love based on physical accoutrements. (I’ve got bad news: All of life is a downward

slide away from physical beauty—get used to it!) I’m sugges ng you ar culate a silhoue e of someone’s spirit, character, and inner beauty. That won’t slide toward ugliness—ever! More important, successfully making a stepfamily a family requires emo onal maturity, a strong sense of personal worth (in Jesus Christ), and a spirit of humility to face all that can’t be controlled (e.g., ex-spouses, a child who refuses to bond, etc.). “I am looking for someone who puts God first in their life and prays with the children. He should be a good family man, an involved parent, a good provider, a good communicator, someone who puts others first, and has a good moral track record.”—Kerry Let me be candid: The blended family is no place for emo onally weak, wimpy, or needy adults. As a single parent, if you date someone who is self-absorbed or has a strong need to be the emo onal center of the home, you and your kids may be in for trouble. If you’re single without children and you date a single parent who is emo onally fragile or paralyzed as a parent by guilt, you’ll likely live a family nightmare. Date someone who is rigid and stubborn and you’ll find yourself lonelier while married than you ever were while single. Find someone who is strong in character and emo onally stable. His/Her Silhoue e If I may, allow me to suggest some personal character quali es that you should include in your silhoue e. I’ll let you decide whether it’s important that they enjoy sushi. Submissive to God. A person of faith is not the same as someone who a ends church. Just because you’re in a garage doesn’t make you a car. Look for a follower of Christ, not just a fan of Christ who joins the masses of spectator Chris ans who gather every week to cheer on their pastor. But how will you know the difference, you ask? Look at their fruit. If they are a follower, it will show up in how they spend their money, the people they hang out with, the values they hold dear in their home, and the boundaries they set for their children. It is very easy to witness the overflow of submission in someone’s heart—you just have to look past the outward façades most of us display in public and look at their real life. It will be a tes mony either for submissiveness or selfishness. It’s a very important dis nc on. Humble. In every season of life, humility is the posture that acknowledges our dependence upon God and opens us to the sanc fying work of the Holy Spirit. From the moment we declare the lordship of Jesus ll he comes again and “every knee shall bow,” it is what prepares us to be transformed. Humility primes the canvas of the heart to receive the Holy Spirit’s paint so we can more profoundly reflect the image of Christ. You may not marry a perfect person, but if you find a humble person, they will become increasingly perfect throughout their life me—and it will be a joy, not a burden, to walk beside them as they do.

Kid Reac ons

“They didn’t like the idea of my da ng and ge ng to know people. They wanted me to find one man and exclusively date him. We’ve had lots of discussions about finding the right fit, what a godly man looks like, and who is worthy of da ng. My son very much accepts my boyfriend. My daughter has the ‘he’s not my dad’ a tude.” So how can you recognize humility? While da ng, most people are vigilant to put their best foot forward in order to impress the other person. But a humble person won’t shy away from admi ng their faults, even before they’ve won your heart. They are able to laugh at themselves (not take themselves too seriously), openly discuss their tempta ons and failings, and regularly call on the grace of God to redeem them from themselves. They don’t need to appear a rac ve just to win your approval, because a humble person has their iden ty firmly planted in their rela onship with God. Because they have God-esteem, they can be authen c with you. This is a supreme quality for marriage and family rela onships. Pursue it in yourself and seek out a partner who is rich in it. Sexually Controlled. This is a great litmus test of someone’s submission to God. God made us sexual beings and purposed sex in marriage, in part, as a celebra on and seal of the covenant between husband and wife. Every couple faces sexual tempta on during courtship; da ng someone who is tempted sexually doesn’t tell you anything about the person. But someone who ac vely guards their heart from pre-covenant sexual behavior is revealing their submissiveness to God, their desire for a healthy rela onship, and their respect for you. A person, on the other hand, who constantly pursues and pressures their partner sexually is showing that they don’t possess much spiritual maturity. Pressuring behavior is a litmus test of character. Listen to what it is telling you about the person. (I’ll talk more about managing sexual tempta on later.) A Spiritual Personal Trainer. Personal trainers are people who push us to get physically fit. They cheer us on our way to health. The silhoue e of the person you are looking for includes someone who challenges your walk with the Lord. If they are chasing a er God, just hanging out with them will inspire you to do the same. In addi on, personal trainers challenge us to put off unhealthy habits and put on be er ones. Listen to the apostle Paul, personal trainer extraordinaire, laying out a healthy plan for living. Isn’t this a good list of what to look for in a da ng partner? Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its prac ces and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. . . . Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and pa ence. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any

of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:5–10, 12–14 Measure the people you date by this standard and you’ll be looking for the right kind of person. Family Silhoue e Your silhoue e needs to be twofold. Not only should it describe quali es you are looking for in a person, but also the quali es you hope to create as a family. This will have implica ons for both the couple rela onship and the family rela onships. Most single parents have a silhoue e for the person but neglect the family silhoue e. I’m encouraging you to have one for both—and falling short in either should be a deal breaker. Paren ng Considera ons. Far too many single parents fall in love and marry a person who is good marriage material but not good stepparent material. What stuns me as a therapist is how many biological parents have admi ed to me behind closed doors that they knew their boy/girlfriend was not good parent material before they married but ignored their own intui on because they didn’t want to live alone, were hungry for sex, or needed another income to provide for their kids. Really? Please don’t sacrifice your kids on the altar of your anxiety or lust. And do not think you can marry a bad parent and turn them into a good one. While da ng, examine their poten al role as a stepparent by learning about their paren ng ideals and how they were parented (which is the paren ng style most of us default to, or do just the opposite of). As you get more serious about your rela onship, bring them into your paren ng situa ons and watch how they process it and what they think should happen. You are looking for harmony between your basic approach to paren ng and theirs. No two adults parent exactly the same, and yes, both of you will change and grow together as parents should you marry, but it is unwise to date someone with a vastly different paren ng style from yours. Merging polar opposite styles is extremely difficult. Can you know if someone will be a good stepparent? There are no guarantees. Again, me is your friend. Watch, for example, how your kids and they bond over me. Is your da ng partner increasingly invested in your kids and ge ng to know them? Do they enjoy your kids or are they just an inconvenience to your couple me? Do they offer their humble input into paren ng— even if it means poin ng out a weakness in you—because they are striving to see the child grow in “wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52)? These are the quali es of a person willing to take on the tasks of stepparen ng. Meaghan tried to communicate her nonnego ables and expecta ons to her boyfriend, but every me she asked a “What if?” ques on regarding the children, he shut her down and said, “Let’s not talk about the ‘What ifs’ un l they become a reality.” Less than a year into the

marriage, the couple was in crisis and had filed for divorce. Don’t ignore the “What if?” conversa ons. If you are da ng a parent, take note of their paren ng as well as their children’s behavior and a tudes. I’ve o en said that an opposi onal child is a yellow cau on light (some mes a red stoplight) to da ng the parent. I’m not blaming the parent for everything the child does, but it is an indicator that you should pay a en on to. If nothing else, know that merging your life and kids with a conflictual or chao c family situa on over which you will have very li le influence or control will bring anger and stress to your family life. In addi on, our daily lifestyle and how we go about living together under the same roof are primarily determined by paren ng expecta ons. If your children are expected to clean up a er themselves and contribute to household chores, but your da ng partner’s kids don’t feel comfortable at home unless there are piles of clothes on the floor, you should take note of it. Don’t minimize this dynamic. I know clothes on the floor are not a big deal, but mul ply this dynamic by a hundred similar scenarios, and it will be—fast! Your kids will scream “not fair” and the stepkids will holler “foul” and you and your new spouse will find yourselves defending your kids and your preferences, only to end up on opposites sides of the issue—and your marriage. You have to consider the en re package when da ng, not just the couple dynamic. In my experience, people without children who are da ng single parents are tempted to repeatedly minimize the paren ng deficits of their da ng partner. It’s just too easy to think it’s not significant. Please don’t fall into this trap. Once married, you’re going to be powerless to change what the kids’ parent is unwilling to change, and you’ll get red of having to accommodate their irresponsibility really fast. I’ll talk more about this cau on light in chapter 7, but for now, make sure your silhoue e includes da ng a competent, healthy parent.

Best Prac ces Da ng Tip If the paren ng of the other person is poor, don’t think that you can fix their kids a er marriage. It’s very unlikely. Plus, if the person isn’t mo vated to be a be er parent while single, they probably won’t be a er marriage, either. A end paren ng classes together, read books, and discuss be er paren ng, but if they don’t improve, don’t move toward marriage. The Family Package. In addi on to paren ng ma ers, the blended family package includes— just to name a few—ex-spouses, the family loss story, financial stress and changes, former in- laws/grandparents, the paren ng of the parent and stepparent in the children’s other home, and the spiritual influences of former and current church leaders. You must carefully look into all of this, which will take me, but remember, me is your friend. If you can’t marry the package—the en re package—then don’t marry the person. Family History and Pa erns. As you grow increasingly serious about someone, be sure to visit their family of origin and learn about their family history. Who someone is becoming is o en

ed to who they came from. Do they have a history of close family connec ons, or are they

disengaged and angry? Is there a genera onal pa ern of chemical abuse or other addic ons? That doesn’t mean the person you are da ng will be an addict (thank God his grace redeems us from such things), but it may mean strained family rela onships and irresponsible extended family members who will complicate your life. What is the story of faith in their extended family, and is it celebrated as the compass for life? How do men and women treat one another in their family, husbands and wives, parents and children? Bo om line: If you don’t like their family, think seriously about not marrying into it. Melissa has given a lot of thought to her silhoue e: I’m looking for someone who, ini ally, can respect my decision not to introduce my children to them for quite a while. I want someone whose paren ng style (or their views on paren ng if they don’t already have children) closely resembles mine so that we are more likely to be able to present a united front in paren ng. The person needs to be able to recognize their own flaws and be willing to address them as well as lovingly point out mine and help me address mine. The person should be pa ent and kind and willing (as things get serious) to be a suppor ve role model for my children, but not a empt to take the place of their father. He should speak well of me and not allow the kids to be disrespec ul. By the same token, he should be respec ul of their father’s posi on and not speak ill of him. I’ve looked online, in church, at social events, and through friends to find someone like this. They are few and far between, but I believe they do exist. Okay, Melissa, if they do exist, where are they? How does one find them? ON MEETING SOMEONE I’m less concerned about where you meet someone than how you manage your da ng experience and expecta ons once you do. It seems to me that you never know when or where you’ll meet someone of interest to you. A friend may introduce you to someone; you may bump into someone at church; or a chance mee ng may change your life forever. It happens. Having said that, I do think there are wise ways and places to look for dates. How to Look Every year businesses spend millions trying to create places for singles to meet and fall in love. If I knew the secret to finding someone, I’d be rich. I don’t and I’m not. But I can suggest that looking begins with perspec ve about the eternal purpose of finding a mate, then le ng that perspec ve dictate where you look. Suppose, for example, you prayed the Dater’s Prayer in faith each day: Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness.

Praying that prayer each day would help to relax your heart about finding a mate. You wouldn’t over-desire finding someone and you wouldn’t under-desire it. You would walk by faith with a sense of calm about your life. Desperate singles look for love in the same places as content singles, but they ignore warning signs and make it their agenda to find “the one.” Instead, make it God’s agenda and then relax. You can s ll implement the below strategies, but you won’t be desperate when doing so. Discernment will s ll have voice. Where to Look The Dater’s Prayer posi ons your heart to be open to the people God brings to you. I’ve talked with many singles whose external, physical silhoue e is so GQ-ish or Victoria’s Secret-ish that they quickly discount the normal people in their lives. Are your standards so high that you look past people of high character but average beauty? Don’t be quick to dismiss someone. Get to know the person on the inside first. Look for dates in gatherings of people you generally know something about and that reflect your core values. Mee ng someone during a service project or recrea onal ac vity or at church are good examples. Mee ng someone at the na onal swingers conven on is not (remind me some me to tell you about the weekend when a church I was speaking at put me and my then ten-year-old son, Connor, up in a hotel that was hos ng just such a gathering!). Let the venue do some of the filtering for you, but keep in mind that everyone can present themselves as something they’re not—even (or should I say, especially) in church! Also, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but ask your family, friends, or community of faith to suggest people they think would be a good fit for you. A er all, they know you well and o en have a decent perspec ve about who might fit your personality and interests. Perhaps this will give you a running start on finding someone. Finally, don’t try to suggest to someone that God told you they are your soul mate. As one man told the woman who said that to him, “Well, I’m pre y sure God’s not going to leave me in the dark. If he told you that, he should be telling me—and I’m not hearing that from him.” I call this using the Holy Spirit hammer; hit someone over the head with it and they’re sure to fall in love with you . . . or not. Honestly, it just makes you look desperate and manipula ve. That’s not what they call a rac ve. Online Da ng: What Match.com and eHarmony Likely Won’t Tell You I must share some apprehensions with you about online da ng. I realize that millions of people use online da ng sites to help them meet someone. I do think that some sites, especially those that use proven psychological assessments, do give you a running start toward connec ng with someone. That I find valuable for you. But I must point out a number of cau ons for single

parents that aren’t necessarily true for those without kids, considera ons that the online matchmakers will not share with you. Couple vs. Family Sa sfac on. Online da ng sites are about helping you find a compa ble person to date. The major premise of this book is that coupleness is one thing but familyness is another; online da ng may give you a leg up on the former, but it doesn’t speak to the la er. In our book The Remarriage Checkup, Dr. Olson and I report that our research confirmed what family therapists have speculated for years: Before marriage, couple sa sfac on is mainly ed to couple rela onship factors, but a er the wedding, couple sa sfac on is increasingly ed to factors related to blended family harmony or the lack thereof. In other words, when it comes to blended family marriages, what happens between you is what makes you fall in love with someone, but what happens around you (e.g., stepparent-stepchild issues, ex-spouse pressures, stepfamily disharmony, etc.) is increasingly responsible for what creates couple distress and divorce. Don’t let an online da ng service lull you into thinking that the person who is right for you is right for your kids and family. Long-distance Romance. Da ng online increases the likelihood that the person you meet lives elsewhere. I have coached many da ng couples who live across the country from each other, even one couple that lived on opposite sides of the planet. Here’s the problem: Long-distance romances mature into logis cal nightmares for parents and children. Jeremy wrote me, “We are looking for resources to try and decide whether to move my fiancée eight hundred miles from Kansas with her resistant soon-to-be high school daughter to be closer to me in Pennsylvania. Her daughter has few school friends. We are struggling as to what would be best for all involved and want to be a successful stepfamily in the future!” Well, Jeremy, finding what’s “best for all” assumes that what’s best for you as a couple will also be best for a resistant teenager. That’s a big assump on—and a big risk. I even had one couple email me saying they had married but thought they could con nue a long-distance marriage. It wasn’t working out so they wanted me to fix in a day what they hadn’t been able to resolve. “I was wondering if you have an opening this coming Saturday. My husband lives in Michigan and I live in Houston. We have been married for one year (a second marriage for both of us), and we have been arguing about who needs to relocate. I am at the point of giving up on this marriage, but I want to try a counseling session first instead of having our usual never-ending discussion about this.” Best Prac ces Da ng Tip Don’t be afraid to ask the tough ques ons. And what are they? Whatever you find yourself avoiding in order not to rock the boat.

Let me be frank. Falling in love with someone long-distance is very complicated and in most cases downright lousy for kids (unless they are very young). First of all, it makes ge ng to know each other very difficult and doesn’t help you to assess the fit of your da ng partner and kids. Second, know that moving kids to a new town while launching a new family at the same me is double trouble. They have a new family, new school, lost friends, lost community connec ons, lost church, etc. It requires a tremendous amount from the kids, so unless they absolutely love the no on, it’s a bad idea for everyone involved. Should logis cs temper your decision to date someone long-distance? Yes. Does it ever work out well? I’ve only known of a few, and most of them were when a person without children moved to where the children lived. If you insist on da ng someone long-distance, think ahead and moderate your investment in them with awareness of what it will likely cost your children later on if the rela onship con nues. Hiding Your True Self. Online it’s very easy to appear to be someone you’re not. This is true for a number of reasons. First, everyone puts their best foot forward when da ng in person; even more so, the format of online chat, website pos ngs, replying to emails and texts, etc., allows you and your da ng interest to carefully and methodically choose your responses. Emo on is suppressed and ra onal, well-thought-out replies are cra ed. It’s not that people are lying, they’re just choosing carefully how you will view them. But then again, some mes people do lie. USA Today reported on a poll asking, “How honest are you on your social networking sites?” Almost one-third said they were totally honest, 26 percent fibbed a li le, 21 percent said what they posted about themselves was a total fabrica on, and 22 percent admi ed to flat-out lying.[20] Adding it up, 69 percent said they were untruthful. Yikes. Online da ng can be a helpful jump start to a rela onship, but be sure you verify in person everything you come to believe about someone through online interac on. (See Appendix 1 for

ps on safe social networking.) DATING BEST PRACTICES . . . AND ATTITUDES I’ve gathered more collec ve wisdom from my da ng single parent focus group and summarized some of their best prac ces for you here. Define the Rela onship Steve shared, “On our first date, the woman who would become my wife asked me, ‘So, what do you want from this rela onship?’ Being the self-centered, nervous, just-trying-not-to-look- stupid-on-the-first-date guy that I was, I had no idea how to answer her. I hadn’t thought past the next five minutes, let alone the future of our rela onship. Awkward! But in hindsight, what I then thought was a silly ques on turned out to be a really good one.”

Defining the rela onship (or DTR) means that you and the person you are da ng express your inten ons to each other, and you do so each me the rela onship moves to a new level. You don’t have to pop the “What are you looking for?” ques on on the first date, but fairly soon it is helpful to make this overt with each other. Couples o en assume they know what the other person’s inten ons are and then are surprised when they realize they were wrong. In the beginning you want to know: Do you only date people who are marriageable, or will you keep da ng someone that you’d never consider for marriage? Are you just trying to get out of the house, or are you ac vely looking for a mate? Ques ons like these define the nature and intent of your rela onship and give both par es the informa on they need to determine if they want to keep seeing the other.

Kid Reac ons “Mason is happy to have Keith in our lives and looks forward to us ge ng married. He is encouraging us to get engaged.” A er a few ini al dates, DTR again. “I’ve really enjoyed ge ng to know you and I’d like us to become more inten onal about learning about each other. Do you agree? Do you think we’re ready to, for example, learn more about each other’s values and life goals? I’m thinking we need to start spending more me with each other’s kids, too. What do you think?” Another DTR dialogue is one that sounds like this: “I am interested in us enough to make this an exclusive da ng rela onship. How do you feel about that?” You can then discuss the boundaries around your rela onship and expecta ons for each other. These then form the guidelines for the next season of your da ng. Eventually you may find it’s me for this DTR discussion: “I am beginning to see us ge ng married. I’m wondering if you are entertaining that idea, as well.” No ce, this is not “Do you want to get engaged?” This is “Are you open to considering engagement?” This kind of inten onal dialogue helps both people track the status of their rela onship and adds security when the rela onship is defined—even when the two people are at different places. For example, should one partner be ready for engagement and the other not, the “ready” partner will be disappointed, but at least both people know where they stand. By the way, if both people agree that they are ready to consider engagement, the next topics of conversa on should be, “Are the kids ready for us to do that?” and “What steps do we need to take to aid the trajectory of that rocket?” Engagement and marriage are the ul mate DTR moments. They confirm to the couple that they intend to marry and announce to the world that a new family is beginning. These signposts are easily iden fied in our culture. But the DTR principle is just as important at the beginning and middle stages of da ng. Don’t be afraid of bringing it up. Slow Down

Falling in love creates an anesthe c that numbs your common sense. Be aware of this enough to slow down your da ng and spend at least a year of face-to-face me with someone. This allows the anesthe c to wear off so your discernment can be clear. Maintain Sexual Purity Before marriage, love is blind and sex is a blindfold. Charles and Diana (not their real names, but it does make the story more interes ng) scheduled a consult with their counselor to discuss their da ng rela onship. Diana had two children from a previous marriage and Charles had never been married before. They had been da ng for seven years, and their therapist soon found out why they hadn’t pulled the trigger on marriage. Charles and Diana had been raised in two totally different paren ng systems. Charles was raised in a strict, conserva ve home. Diana grew up in a chao c family where you never knew what was going to happen next. There were few boundaries, li le discipline, and a lot of freedom (which Diana was more than happy to take advantage of during her teen years). Now a parent herself, Diana was paren ng her children, ages eighteen and nine, the same way she had been parented.

Best Prac ces Da ng Tip Talk to others who know the person. Get objec ve feedback from their friends and family members. Charles and Diana had constant conflict over her paren ng and her children’s behavior. Charles protested that they got away with murder and suggested Diana step up her expecta ons or they would waste their lives away in irresponsibility. Diana disagreed. To her, keeping the children happy and at peace with her was more important than drawing tough lines in the sand. Given this stalemate, you might be wondering why in the world this couple was s ll together. Their counselor was, too. When all these differences were laid out before the couple and they were asked why they thought they hadn’t broken up, an honest answer came forth: sex. They were sexually ac ve on a regular basis, and no ma er what they fought about, sex brought them back together. In other words, if it wasn’t for sex, they wouldn’t have anything. Sex was their blindfold. Both Charles and Diana believed that ideally sex should be reserved for marriage. When asked why she would con nue to intertwine her life with a man who could be so black-and-white judgmental about her paren ng but gray when it came to denying himself sex with her, Diana just shrugged her shoulders. And when asked why he con nued to date Diana even though me had proven to him that she was not interested in changing her paren ng (only he was mo vated to change her paren ng), Charles couldn’t come up with an answer. Both Charles and Diana had a ached themselves to a fantasy image of one another; sex and emo onal immaturity had blinded them to this truth.

Keeping in mind that this couple was da ng and arguing over the same issue for seven years when they came for their consulta on, if you were their counselor, what would you have said to them when asked, “Should we stay together?” Managing Sexual Tempta on. God knows what a powerful force sexuality is in our lives. A er all, he designed it. God is very much invested in your sexual fulfillment. That’s why he placed boundaries around sex; he knows in a marital context how beneficial sex can be, and he knows how problema c it can be in a da ng rela onship. Charles and Diana, for example, had very li le founda on to their rela onship, and yet sex fooled them into thinking they had more in the bank than they really did. Physiologically we can explain it this way: The hormone oxytocin, some mes called the “cuddle hormone,” facilitates bonding in mammals (e.g., between a mother and her newborn child). It is also released when couples are affec onate and escalates drama cally a er orgasm, especially in men. In short, it makes you feel connected even when there is no substance to a rela onship. Charles and Diana were wri ng checks with their lives based on a bankrupt account. In the end, they got hurt and wasted a lot of me on a quick but shallow high. Maintaining a desire for the best in your life—and in your future marriage—starts by trus ng that God has your best interest in mind. By declaring sexuality before marriage a sin, he is not being a simpleton or killjoy; he is trying to protect you from a shallow rela onship and personal pain. The only ques on is, do you trust his mo ves and his insight? Before marriage, sex tends to be about what we can get from the other person. Sex that is saved un l a er marriage has

me to mature into a physical and soul expression of the deep founda on of the rela onship that has already been established and the lifelong commitment expressed to each other during the wedding. Saving sex ll a er marriage protects the objec vity of your da ng, ripens your commitment to each other, and then as a symbol of marital oneness blossoms in a pleasurable celebra on of love. That’s worth wai ng for. Karen’s son was nearing his wedding day when he told his mother, “If you and Bill had slept together before marriage, Calli and I probably would have, too. But you didn’t—so we didn’t, either.” Prac cal Strategies for Managing Sexual Tempta on. One day this phone message appeared on my desk: “Ron, please call L. S. He and his fiancée—they have only known each other two months—have been reading The Smart Stepfamily and are stumped by the sugges on of wai ng two years to marry. It seems unreasonable to them that a passionate couple could wait two years before having sex. It’s important to both him and his fiancée to manage their rela onship with purity. BTW, they have nine children in all.” All couples are sexually tempted. Here are some prac cal ps for managing your tempta ons.

1. Get accountable. You must invite others to help you stay accountable to your goal of sexual purity. Giving a friend, pastor, family member—even your teenage or adult

children—permission to randomly ask both of you about your behavior raises the bar and helps you to think of how your ac ons will be viewed by others.

2. Let God define sex. When someone says “Did you have sex?” what we usually hear is “Did you have intercourse?” That’s unfortunate for many reasons. First, it implies that we can engage in all other forms of sexual touch (including oral sex and mutual manual s mula on to orgasm) and think we haven’t “had sex.” Second, it lulls us to sleep about how far we can go and s ll be safe (see item 4 below). And third, it turns sexuality into a legalis c game of avoiding sin rather than a spiritual ma er of trust and discipleship. Ephesians 5:3 says, “There must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Sexual immorality there is defined specifically as fornica on or intercourse. But Ephesians 4:19 broadens the defini on of sex to include sensual behavior (e.g., loose conduct, unchaste behavior, lust) that starts long before intercourse. “Having lost all sensi vity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity.” The issue here is not “Can we touch here or there?” The issue is bringing our sexual passions under the lordship of Christ. It’s not, “How close to the edge can we stand?” but “How can we honor Christ with our behavior?” That is a far greater challenge, but one worth every effort.

3. View how you and your da ng partner manage sexuality as a spiritual precedent for your marriage. Erin and Josh commi ed themselves to purity. But Erin’s con nual efforts to introduce sex to their rela onship educated Josh on her spiritual maturity. He listened to what her lack of discipline was telling him about her, and it helped him to look past her outward appearance. Plus, he knew that if he couldn’t provide spiritual leadership now, he would struggle to do so in their marriage. In the end, because Erin and Josh couldn’t unite over this ma er, Josh broke off the rela onship.

4. Agree to a Purity Covenant. Couples who can’t talk about their sexual tempta ons are des ned to fall prey to them. But don’t just acknowledge them, discuss the values behind purity and agree to a plan. Consider dra ing a wri en purity covenant (a sample is available in Appendix 2) that details your values and plan. This is an excellent teaching and modeling tool for your children, too. When the me is appropriate, show them this document and say, “This is what we did and this is what we would encourage you to do, as well.”

5. Understand that there’s no reverse in sex. Have you no ced that sex only has a forward gear? Once you break a certain touch barrier, you’ll quickly return to it and will never be sa sfied backing up. In other words, take very seriously any forward movement. Even benign affec onate touch that is meant to communicate connec on and love moves us further toward sexual touch that is arousing. Be careful not to awaken love before its

me (Song of Solomon 2:7). Embrace God’s defini on of sex and then ask yourself where you need to stop in order not to cross into sensuality. You might also think of it this way. Picture your da ng partner having a Hula-Hoop around them. Every me you enter the hoop, you make physical touch the focus of interac on and you lose objec vity in the rela onship. Stay outside the hoop as much as you can.

6. Date in public. Being in a private place (e.g., home, hotel, or car) explodes sexual tempta on because no one is watching. On the other hand, I’ve never seen a couple having sex on a table in McDonald’s.

7. Date in a group. Being with other couples adds accountability, but it also offers objec vity. Again, when you enter each other’s Hula-Hoop, you stop assessing the person, their values, and your fit together as a couple and start focusing on physical and sexual touch. Being in a group helps you stay outside the hoop and also brings perspec ve as you consider this person through the eyes of others you trust.

8. Don’t live together. In the next chapter I’ll share in detail why doing so breeds insecurity in a rela onship, but for now recognize that cohabita on will most certainly sexualize your rela onship.

Best Prac ces Da ng Tip Don’t ignore the flashing yellow cau on lights, and don’t run red lights! (See chapter 7.) Discussion Ques ons 1. Write down the silhoue e of the person you are looking for. 2. If you are currently da ng, review my recommended silhoue e quali es in light of the person you are da ng (rate them from 1 to 10). If not currently da ng, consider previous partners and how well these quali es describe them. Submissive to God Humble Sexually controlled A spiritual personal trainer 3. Now consider the family silhoue e you desire and the quali es discussed on pages 122–125. Paren ng The family package Family history and pa erns 4. How would praying the Dater’s Prayer every day change how you date? Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness. 5. Where have you been looking for dates? What will you do differently a er reading this chapter?

6. Ar culate the limita ons of online da ng. (This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it, just be aware of the unique weaknesses for single parents.) 7. What challenges does long-distance da ng present? 8. In the past, how proac ve have you been in defining the rela onship (DTR)? What challenges or fears does DTR bring to you? 9. Discuss the ma er of sexual purity. What do you believe is God’s desire for your rela onship? 10. If da ng, outline and discuss together how you intend to maintain purity. If not da ng, discuss which sugges ons in this chapter would be helpful to you in the future.

Chapter 7

Yellow Light. Red Light. Green Light. My ex-boyfriend used to talk about what he liked about his ex-girlfriend’s body. That would be why he’s my ex-boyfriend. Gail Choose your rut carefully. You’ll be in it for the next 200 miles. Road sign in Alaska Troy and Meredith had been da ng off and on for six years. They had lived together for a me, but were separated when they came to their first session. Both had been married before, but only Meredith had children. “We’re trying to figure out if we have anything to salvage,” they shared. “We love each other but just don’t seem to like each other very much.” I immediately thought of the research I shared in chapter 1 about couples who date longer than five years having more rela onship issues than other couples. I thought, It’s likely both for some reason are afraid of being hurt. Sure enough, I was right. Troy and Meredith had some core trust issues that resulted in a merry-go-round, on-and-off rela onship with neither feeling confident about the future. Troy had lead Meredith to the Lord early in their rela onship, and while he saw many changes in her behavior, he couldn’t help but fear her chao c childhood and how it had turned her to drugs at one point in her life. Even though she had been clean for four years, he told me she s ll had an addic ve personality and he just couldn’t trust her. S ll trying to manage her addic on tempta ons, Meredith was afraid of herself, her history of poor choices, and Troy. “I am so grateful that he brought me to the Lord,” she shared, “but he has slept with me ever since. How can I respect him on Sunday when he presses me for sex on Saturday?” Both Troy and Meredith were seeing some yellow cau on lights. Now what do they do?

TRAFFIC LIGHTS Traffic lights are meant for our safety. Flashing yellow lights alert us to take cau on in moving forward. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. Once our hesita ons are sa sfied, we can move forward with greater confidence. Red lights, however, demand that we stop. And there’s always good reason to stop at a red light, even if we can’t immediately see it. Running it will likely result in being broadsided. In da ng there are two kinds of yellow and red lights: general and specific. General ones are usually true for all couples and tend to have more to do with circumstances or dynamics beyond your control. The openness of children to a future stepparent or how quickly someone begins da ng a er a breakup is a good example. Specific lights have to do with, for example, opposing personality characteris cs in you and the person you are da ng or contras ng values. Troy and Meredith were experiencing specific flashing yellow lights and thankfully were not ignoring them. Despite how intertwined their lives had become over the past six years (which diminishes objec vity and makes us nearsighted), they were heeding the yellow lights and slowing down to ask the hard ques ons. You should do the same. This chapter does not present an exhaus ve list of yellow and red lights. Some have already been presented. For example, da ng someone who is not a Christ-follower is a red light; so is da ng someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Likewise, a yellow light flashes when you realize the other person is a poor parent (chapter 6), and a red one lights up if your, your children’s, or your da ng partner’s fears are making trust impossible (chapters 4 and 5). We’ve already started the list; add these to it. FLASHING YELLOW LIGHTS Here are some common flashing yellow lights that should be heeded. A er slowing down to take a good look around, check your level of confidence in the situa on to see if the yellow light has turned green or red. General Cau on: Da ng Is Inconsistent With Actual Blended Family Living[21] This flashing yellow light essen ally translates again into the “slow down” message. A lot of couple harmony during da ng makes the road ahead appear clear and safe, but once you top the hill of marriage, you’ll likely find some road hazards on the other side. Nearly everyone does. Paul and Brenda know exactly what I’m talking about. Paul is senior pastor of a large metropolitan church in the Midwest. He had a wonderful twenty-seven-year marriage to his first wife, Karen, who tragically died of cancer. About a year before Karen passed away, one of Paul’s

best friends, Terry, died of cancer, as well. Terry’s wife of twenty-five years, Brenda, had graciously cared for him throughout his ba le with cancer. Six months a er Karen’s death and eighteen months a er Terry’s death, Paul and Brenda began da ng. Paul had four children ranging from their early teens to mid-twen es, and Brenda had three children in the late teens and mid-twen es. A er da ng for less than a year, Paul and Brenda made plans to marry. Five years into their remarriage, Paul asked me to come and speak to his congrega on. A weekend stepfamily conference gave me the opportunity to hear more of their story and meet their friends Pamela and Allen, who were da ng (both with children from previous marriages). What fascinated me was the behind-the-scenes advice and coaching Paul and Brenda had given their friends Pamela and Allen. Before I share their advice, please understand that both Paul and Brenda are very high-func oning people and parents. They both had very good first marriages, both are educated professionals, and both had had success and joy in raising their children before their spouses passed away. In addi on, since becoming widowed, they were quite inten onal in grieving well and helping their children move through the loss of their parent. And since marrying and becoming a blended family, Paul and Brenda had led a stepfamily enrichment group at their church for a few years. Despite all that, five years into their marriage, their blended family experience con nued to be stressful and difficult. Their advice to their friends: Proceed with cau on. One night over dinner I was honored to listen in as Paul and Brenda candidly shared with Pamela and Allen their newfound perspec ve about da ng and becoming a blended family. “We love each other dearly, but if we had it to do all over again, we might not have go en married at all.” Paul and Brenda had by experience come face-to-face with the truth that coupleness does not equal familyness, and their 20/20 hindsight advice to their friends was direct and straigh orward: Don’t rush into marriage. Make sure you are ready to marry the en re package that comes along with the person you have fallen in love with, or don’t marry—and even if you are ready, keep in mind that there’s no guarantee that doing so is best, convenient, or a blessing for your kids. In other words, their advice was to step very carefully into a stepfamily because the love felt between the couple before the wedding does not predict family harmony a er the wedding. Sounds nega ve and discouraging, huh? Well, that depends on what you do with it. Pamela and Allen took their friends’ advice to heart and delayed their wedding for well over a year so they could be more sensi ve to the needs of their children and more adequately deepen their couple rela onship before deciding for sure to marry. I caught up with Pamela some me later and asked her to reflect on the advice they had received and their da ng journey; here’s what she shared: Allen and I both affirm that wai ng has enriched our rela onship and allowed me for valuable rela onship bridges to be built with our kids. This has also given our kids me to get used to the idea of our families eventually merging. Another hidden blessing of all this is that by the me we do marry, we will have a nearly empty nest (only one teenager le at home). Even so, I have concerns about what holidays will look like for our families.

I must say, the wai ng me has allowed us to move beyond the euphoric infatua on stage into the ni y-gri y hard places of loving each other. Facing those things before marriage is certainly healthier, enabling us to move forward without rose-colored glasses (to whatever degree that is possible). As I always tell my clients [Pamela is a licensed counselor herself], “Rose-colored glasses make red flags look pink!” Amen, sister. Amen. General Cau on: A Quick Turnaround Do you remember in chapter 1 my discussion of the pit of pain and how it pushes us toward rela onships, o en without discernment? Da ng someone who has recently gone through a painful experience but is now eager to be with you is dangerous. Their despera on and loneliness are flashing yellow lights. Perhaps they are s ll finalizing their divorce, just a few months past the death of a spouse, or recently broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and haven’t let me be their healing friend. They are on the rebound and will likely bounce you into pain, too. General Cau on: Pressured to Marry and Willing to Accommodate If you or the person you are da ng is being pressured by friends and family members to marry, take a step back. Unfortunately, Chris ans can be the worst about this. Well-inten oned mothers, for example, who want their daughters to marry and have babies can push them to lower their standards and get hitched. Obviously, this adds undue pressure to the process of da ng and sabotages discernment.

Kids Because porn is so accessible, the average age that children are exposed to it is now eight. Be aware of how much access all the children have had. Specific Cau on: Pornography Use The easy availability of pornography today means that da ng parents should assume that anyone they date, male or female, has had some exposure to pornography. The ques on you should ask is not “Have you ever seen porn?” but “How much porn have you viewed?” I hate to say it, but if your da ng partner claims they have never seen it, invite them to be more candid. “Honestly, I find that hard to believe. I want us to be able to share our tempta ons with each other, so I need you to be honest with me. If you’d like to revise your answer I’d appreciate it.” The impact of porn can derail a marriage; you need to know what you’re ge ng into. If they have ever habitually used pornography, this yellow light turns red. Specific Cau on: Character Issues

We all have failings and faults and dare I say character issues. Be sure to manage your own, and have both eyes open when it comes to seeing the other’s. For example, some people are neat freaks who need their bed made, dishes put away, and toilet seats down before leaving the house. Others are obsessive compulsives who require that the floor be scrubbed with a mop each day, that Lysol be sprayed any me someone sneezes, and can’t walk out of a room—or let you walk out of the room—without checking twelve mes that the light was turned off. Living with the first is one thing, the second something totally different. Here are a few character ma ers not to ignore:

 a quick temper or in mida ng, angry reac ons  a history of chemical abuse or physical violence[22]  someone who can’t say no to you (it sounds great on the surface but represents a fragile

insecurity that will cause many problems later)  someone who consistently blames others for their irresponsibility—an indica on of

pride or a fragile ego  someone who won’t honor or respect your boundaries. Forge ng is one thing (yellow

light), but consistently pushing through without regard for your needs is a red light!  someone who is Dr. Jekyll to you but Mr. Hyde to your kids (this is rated yellow only

because it might be related to a kid’s closed heart; if not, this turns red fast)  someone who cannot calm themselves during conflict—a healthy partner manages their

level of nega ve emo on so they can listen and respond, not overreact  someone who has excessive debt from poor principled living or low self-control (income

is not the issue here; poor self-control is, and it will play out in a million scenarios in a family)

 excessive enmeshment (blind closeness) or disengagement with their family of origin— typically this is an indica on of strong control issues or nega vity within the family. This can be culturally driven, as well; nevertheless, it’s a compelling dynamic that should be embraced since you won’t be able to change it (see the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding for an example).

 someone who is decep ve or secre ve about previous rela onships—this includes someone who is always nega ve about a former spouse (to cast the other in a nega ve light is to a empt to make oneself always look good)

 a diagnosed personality disorder (e.g., bipolar, obsessive-compulsive, or borderline personality disorder)

The nature of falling in love is to minimize these ma ers. As me allows the anesthe c of romance to wear off, objec vely ask yourself, since many of them probably won’t change, whether you are willing to live with these or not. Specific Cau on: A Difficult or Unbelieving Ex-Spouse We’ve already talked about the lack of wisdom of yoking oneself to an unbeliever, but why does it ma er if their ex-spouse is an unbeliever? An unbelieving ex means your stepchildren will

have many contras ng moral messages that will impact their behavior and a tudes. It may also be a sour and depressing dynamic for your spouse (who may feel frustrated in paren ng their children and guilty about enjoying yours) and a constant “thorn in the flesh” to your family unit (e.g., if the children make decisions that bring about heartache). Plus it means your children may be exposed to many ungodly influences (a spiritual Trojan horse) that you cannot control. It is one thing to send our kids out into the world; it’s another to bring the world directly to them. It also means that prodigal living and parental heartbreak are more likely for all the children (which can be stressful on a marriage). Brian and Linda didn’t get any pre-stepfamily counseling because they thought they didn’t have any issues with his children or their rela onship. He had two girls ages nine and thirteen who loved ge ng to know Linda over their year-and-a-half da ng period. “The girls made comments like, ‘When are you two going to get married?’ ” she shared. It all seemed to be working out so well. But the moment they men oned marriage, Brian’s ex-wife went to work crea ng chaos. An angry alcoholic, she took the couple to court mul ple mes, cos ng them well over $50,000, every dime they had in savings. It was one nightmare a er another. This type of situa on o en makes us protest, “It’s hard enough finding someone; it isn’t fair that an ex should have that much impact on whether you date them or not!” or “But I’m not marrying them.” You’re right. But you are marrying the package, remember? Marriage to a divorced person means ge ng a mother-in-law, a father-in-law, and an ex-spouse-in-law. Therefore, you be er weigh the consequences for you and your kids before doing so. Specific Cau on: Personality Differences There’s a maddening dynamic about the interplay of personali es. Before marriage, opposites a ract, but a er marriage opposites a ack. She was a racted to him because he was predictable and well-inten oned. A quiet, reserved man, he brought stability to her life. He loved that she knew how to have a good me. Well liked by many friends, she taught him how to laugh and be spontaneous. Now that they are married, many of their enduring disagreements center on these very issues. She accuses him of being boring, and he gets red of her losing her car keys. She agrees to budget spending limits but then buys something on a whim; to keep them out of the poorhouse he feels like he has to parent her spending and she feels controlled by it. The more your personality traits are similar, the easier it is to live with someone; the more different they are, the harder it is. As one insigh ul therapist noted, when you choose a partner, you are choosing a set of problems for life![23] (That reminds me of a sign seen beside an Alaskan highway that reads, “Choose your rut carefully. You’ll be in it for the next 200 miles.”) And since personality differences are the seed for many perpetual conflicts in marriage (69 percent of conflicts are about issues that will remain with the couple throughout their lives[24]), you be er see clearly how the personality of the other intersects with yours. How can you do that?

To obtain a Voucher Code for your free Individual Profile, call the PREPARE/ENRICH office (CST 8:00 to 4:30) at 800-331-1661. Then go to: www.smartstepfamilies.com and take the survey. The SCOPE sec on of the couple report will give you insight into your personali es and how they intersect. In addi on, my book The Remarriage Checkup, coauthored with Dr. David Olson, discusses in depth how personali es harmonize or collide in marriage. Personality differences are a double-edged sword. On one hand, they challenge us to grow as we realize our selfishness and how it impacts the other. On the other hand, extreme differences present repe ve occasions for conflict. Proceed with cau on. Specific Cau on: A empts to Meddle in the Other Person’s Parent-Child Rela onship Some mes future stepparents believe they can improve or modify the rela onship between their da ng partner and their child(ren). But beware: Nothing will sabotage a remarriage more quickly than one partner trying to rearrange the rela onship of the other person and their child.[25] Meddling only results in polariza on and conflict. This is the cardinal sin of blended families and will likely result in failure. Don’t do it and don’t a ach yourself to someone who tries. RED STOPLIGHTS In case you’ve forgo en, a flashing yellow light means proceed with cau on. A red light means stop! Let’s Hurry and Get Married!” I realize that “My life is complete now that I’ve met you. I can’t live without you, let’s get married . . . today!” makes for a great romance novel, but rarely does it make for a lifelong love. Don’t be smi en by someone’s strong desire to skip the process of da ng (and, therefore, the process of discovering your fit, or lack thereof, as a couple and family). This usually indicates the person is desperate, insecure, and emo onally fragile—plus, it increases the chance that the children will feel thrown under the bus and resen ul of the marriage. Extreme Differences in Paren ng In the last chapter I noted that when adults have very different paren ng styles, the marriage and family suffer (in par cular when both adults bring children to the marriage). In my experience as a family therapist working with stepfamilies since 1993, I would say that this dynamic is the most common saboteur of blended marriages. Given that, it seems necessary to plainly repeat the cau on here: Stop da ng someone if you can’t see eye to eye on paren ng. I’ll say more about this in chapter 8. Someone Who Can’t on Occasion Sit in the Backseat

Have you ever tried to have a friendship or rela onship with someone who demanded to be the center of a en on all the me? It’s not much fun, huh? In a stepfamily, this same person will whine to no end. I’ve o en said that a blended family is no place for thin-skinned people. It’s also not a place for adults who need to be at the center of the family (I like to call them “center babies”). Everyone in a stepfamily has to take the backseat every once in a while (especially stepparents); doing so helps bring grace to undefined rela onships. It’s pre y common for people to feel jealous and le out occasionally, but center babies won’t put up with it and will a empt to control or manipulate the other rela onships in the home to become the center of a en on. If you find yourself da ng this person, run for the hills. Horrible Ex If a difficult ex-spouse is a yellow light, a horrible ex is a red one. You have to decide which it is. Katy wrote to me saying, “My boyfriend has three boys ages eleven, nine, and four. Every me we make plans, their mom creates some sort of chaos and our plans have to change. I’m sure she does it on purpose.” I’m sure you’re right, Katy. And if you think it’s bad now . . . wait ll you get married. Pseudo-Commitment: Se ling for Cohabita on Cohabita on has become so common it has changed the way people date. In many circles it is assumed that da ng couples will eventually live together on their way to marriage. In fact, living together for many is considered another way to gauge the seriousness of the rela onship; first you live together, then you get engaged. But is cohabita on healthy? No, it’s not. Even da ng someone who advocates for it is a red light. Let me make my case. There is a great deal of research and debate today about the pros and cons of cohabi ng. Of course, there is a spiritual side to this conversa on related to sex outside of marriage, but since I’ve addressed that elsewhere (see chapter 6), I’d like to focus the conversa on here on what social science has to say about cohabita on. Let’s examine whether couple and family research lines up with God’s wisdom for our lives. To start, let’s think outside of the coupleness ma ers and consider the familyness issues. Cohabita on is not good for kids. For children, “the cohabi ng stepfamily is the most dangerous family form in America today.”[26] There are many reasons couples give for cohabi ng: saving money, spending more me together, unclu ering their lives, and tes ng the rela onship.[27] You’ll no ce that all of them are conveniences for the adults. But what isn’t convenient is that children are put at risk when couples cohabit. Children face higher risks of abuse (physical, emo onal, and sexual) and lower psychological well-being.[28] And they are exposed to numerous family transi ons in and out of marriage and/or cohabita on, which in turn increase the likelihood of them having sex at an earlier age, having their first child out of

wedlock, cohabi ng before marriage, and having a lower confidence in the ins tu on of marriage (which o en translates into divorcing more quickly than previous genera ons).[29] Perhaps most cri cally, I believe it dilutes the process of faith forma on in children. When kids are exposed to mul ple parental figures (for example, cohabi ng stepparents) across both their homes, frequently they are presented with mul ple religious worldviews. A related nega ve outcome for single parents is that cohabita on deteriorates parental authority and makes their spiritual training weaker. Many adolescents have asked me essen ally this ques on: “How can Mom tell me not to party when she moved us into his house before they were married?” Parents who want children who live by God’s moral standards must themselves live by those same standards, no ma er how imprac cal they may be. In short, cohabita on doesn’t benefit your kids, especially not if you’re trying to create a home of safety, integrity, and clear moral standards. Cohabita on is not healthy for the couple rela onship. Forty-six percent of young adults believe that “living together would improve their chances for a good marriage.”[30] They are mistaken. I wish I could discuss this in more detail, but for the sake of space, let me sum up what the last decade of academic research has discovered about cohabi ng couples (with some commentary). There is debate about whether cohabita on creates these effects or whether they arise out of characteris cs of people who cohabit, but either way, the rela onship suffers. Cohabi ng couples:

 increase their risk of divorce by 50 percent (when ironically they are trying to protect themselves from hurt).

 value their independence rather than an interdependent rela onship.[31] (You can’t test a rela onship by si ng on the side of the pool and dipping your toe in the shallow end—you have to jump into the deep end to know whether you can really swim.)

 are less sexually trustworthy.[32] (Marriage clearly removes other op ons.)  have more nega ve a tudes about marriage[33] (which is one reason they avoid it).  have lower religious commitment.[34] (Thirty percent of cohabi ng people agree that

doing so is against their own beliefs,[35] revealing the gap between their beliefs and ac ons.)

 some mes exchange inten onal da ng for the pseudo-security of being together.[36] (They stop exploring their fit.)

 break up at a rate of 50 percent before marrying.[37] (Unfortunately, trial marriage o en has a trial commitment.)

 have lower marital quality and commitment if they do marry (compared to couples who did not cohabit before marriage,[38] which makes them more vulnerable to pain).

 are tempted to “slide” into marriage (“We’re living together and sharing a bus pass, why not get hitched?”) instead of making a conscious decision to throw their en re selves into marriage[39] (which firmly places both people in the deep end of the pool, swimming together).

Let me reiterate: All of the above are results from social science, but they clearly agree with God’s boundaries around sexuality and what is best for us. Someone who pushes for cohabita on is, I believe, telling you about their fear. Since they can’t have a guarantee that marriage will last, they protect themselves with an arrangement that is marriage-like but without the legal bonds. They actually prefer the ambiguity of cohabita on (“we’re together, sort-of”) to the risk of rejec on and a marriage gone bad.[40] Ironically they have just increased the likelihood of rela onship failure, not protected themselves from it. Sliding Without Deciding “He and his daughter would come over and watch movies. It just got easier for them to spend the night. Then they started coming over and never le . Pre y soon, they moved in all their stuff.” Essen ally, cohabita on is choosing second best and then wondering why it didn’t work out for the best. Instead, choose God’s best for you. Date with inten onality, separate and apart from the confusion of sex and cohabita on, and your da ng decisions will have much more clarity and integrity for both you and the kids. An Imbalanced Dance of Want What happens when one person’s green light intersects with the other person’s yellow or red light? You have what I like to call the dance of want. In a general sense, the dance is about who wants whom, and how much each wants the other. The dance occurs throughout da ng. The first me is during the pre-da ng phase. For example, when you have feelings for someone but don’t know if they are also interested in you, you aren’t sure whether to step toward them or away . . . and when. Even a er a first—or many—dates this dynamic con nues. One person may find themselves wishing for more me together or daydreaming of the other and then wondering if the other is equally interested in them. No one wants to want more than they are wanted. (Do you hear the fear in that statement?) Before asking a woman to marry him, a man wonders, What if she says no or not now? Even a er marriage the dance con nues as the ebb and flow of life leaves partners wondering, Why hasn’t she spoken to me as much lately? or Why is it that I ini ate sex most of the me? The da ng dance cannot be helped. Un l you solidify your commitment to each other in marriage, you cannot help but wonder if the other is as invested in you—and the developing “us”—as you are. By the way, if in your first marriage you found yourself repeatedly wan ng your spouse to want you more, you may be hypersensi ve to being the more mo vated partner in a new da ng rela onship. Manage this ghost and your fear reac ons or you may push away someone who is s ll working through their feelings for you. Some people play the want game,

pretending not to really love the other person as much as they do to see if the other fights for the rela onship (i.e., playing hard to get). But that just perpetuates a dance of want that is unstable and manipula ve. Instead, proac vely define the rela onship from your point of view and be authen c with your feelings. Is that risky? Yes, it is. And it’s also how you determine if you have a mutually supported rela onship or a one-sided one. But what if you’ve been authen c and pa ent and the other is s ll not moving toward you? What if you have a clear green light and the other person has a persistent cau ous yellow, and you con nue the rela onship? Typically what crystallizes is a pursue-distance dynamic that becomes, in and of itself, a serious red light. If you find yourself chasing someone who is repeatedly unwilling to pursue you, stop being willing to se le for the crumbs they toss for you on the floor. For years Debbie dated a guy who loved her but wouldn’t marry her (though he would live with her) because she had, in his words, “undisciplined” children. Debbie admi ed that she was a poor parent and that her kids had behavior problems. She tried to improve, but every me she recommi ed herself to be er paren ng, she gave in to the kids and her boyfriend backed a li le further away from marriage. Debbie sent me an email summarizing the situa on. In parentheses you can see what I was thinking as I read it.

Mo va on and Rela onship Influence  The person least invested in a rela onship has the most power (influence).  When pursuing an elusive partner, the highly invested partner feels frustrated and

insecure. “He isn’t sure he wants to con nue da ng me.” (To be more precise, he is interested in you— and sex—but not in partnering with your undisciplined paren ng. He doesn’t want the package, but you’re willing to se le for what you can get.) “I’m trying everything I can to not let him give up on me.” (Oh, Debbie, no one has enough want for two people.) “I know that I love him and want to spend my life with him, but he is reluctant to put forth any effort at all toward me.” (Please wake up and smell the coffee. Stop chasing a squirrel thinking it wants to be caught.) “I just don’t know what else to do.” (I’ve got a sugges on: Recognize the red light in front of you, let go, and move on. By the way, this means having to deal with your fear of being alone.) There are many reasons people like Debbie are willing to se le for crumbs of want from a partner: a history of one-sided rela onships makes another feel familiar; they fear ge ng old alone or having their biological clock stop cking; and they don’t think they are valuable enough to be loved well. On the other hand, there are many reasons some da ng partners remain guarded: the fear of being hurt, being unsure of rela onship “fit”; wan ng to wait ll a new season of their life arrives (i.e., a er gradua on, promo on, accumulated wealth, etc.); or, as in the case of Debbie’s boyfriend, not wan ng to marry the en re blended family package. Actually, I see this a lot. Some mes one partner (usually the biological parent) is less concerned about how the blended family will fare and they get into a dance of want with the would-be stepparent (“I’m going to talk you into not being afraid of us”).

If you find yourself stuck in this dynamic—for whatever the reason—step back and recognize that the pursue-distance dance has created a fragile and emo onally unstable situa on for everyone involved. Then, stop wan ng for two. Let go of trying to mo vate the other person to invest more, give more, and want more. If they resolve their concerns and find a new level of investment, congratula ons, you’ve got a fair chance at a healthy rela onship. If they don’t, let them go. Having an “Affair” With the Person They Almost Are This red light is for those of you who have been da ng for a while and are stuck. You have a love-hate rela onship with the person but can’t get any clarity on what’s going on. In my opinion, one of the most pathe c lines in a roman c movie (Jerry Maguire) is when Dorothy Boyd, played by actress Renee Zellweger, tells her sister that she is in love with Jerry, played by Tom Cruise, even though he is distant, uncommi ed, and ina en ve. “I love him for the man he almost is.” That means she’s having an affair with the fantasy of the man, not the man himself. One man I counseled had been da ng a woman for three years. He described their recurring on- and-off dynamic as him breaking up with her because she was harsh and cri cal, only to take her back because he missed her few good quali es and mostly the poten al he saw in her and in their rela onship. Plus, to get him to take her back, she repeatedly promised to act nicer. A er a brief “honeymoon” she would again go back to being the same mean person; a er pleading with her to change, he would break up with her again. In the mean me, she was bonding with his child, which added to his sense of obliga on to stay with her. Ever op mis c, he would again put up with who she was while dreaming about who she almost was. A er three years, he felt stuck. He wasn’t. He just needed to stop having an affair with who she promised to be and break up with who she really was. Why would someone focus on the fantasy person instead of the real person? I’ve seen many singles who felt like this was their last chance at marriage and they just couldn’t give it up. Others see their children bonding with the other person and/or their children and fear hur ng their kids, so they hold themselves hostage to what they think their kids need. And others discount their concerns by determining that they are being too judgmental. Whatever the reason, if you are stuck in this rut, you really aren’t stuck. GREEN LIGHT The absence of serious yellow lights and red lights is a green light for proceeding with a rela onship. But ul mately the decision to marry needs more than that. You need a sense of direc on, purpose, and safety in the rela onship, and you need me to confirm your couple and family fit. Your confidence about choosing marriage will also increase drama cally when children, friends, family, and God’s Spirit confirm your “us-ness.”

Do you s ll have a green light? The next few chapters will walk you further down the road. Discussion Ques ons

1. Case Study: Do you remember Paul and Brenda’s advice to their da ng friends? Don’t rush into marriage; make sure you are ready to marry the en re package that comes along with the person you have fallen in love with, or don’t marry. Read the following scenario and discuss it together.

Dear Smart Stepfamilies, I am a single woman with no children and am da ng a man who has never been married but has three children (two with one woman and one with another). At first I ran from the idea of da ng him, but we became great friends and, a er a few years of friendship, I gave da ng a try. But now I am confused. We don’t seem to get much me together in part because his children don’t live with him and he feels he must jump through hoops to appease their mothers in order to get me with them. Most days he tries to spend me a er school with them and then put them to bed. Then he wants to spend me with me a er that (which is usually a er 10:00 p.m.). On weekends he would be “on call” just in case the mothers decided they would allow him to see the children. As you can imagine, we seldom get to keep our date plans. Some mes he would visit me late at night, and that just set us up for sexual situa ons that were displeasing to God. I care for this man and think we might be good together, but I’m troubled by what is happening. What should I do?

 How would you respond to this woman? Explain your reasoning and discuss the dynamics at play here.

 How would you respond if talking with the boyfriend/father? 2. Flip back through the chapter and review the yellow lights. Which are flashing in your da ng rela onship (past or present)? Rate their significance from 1 to 10 with 10 being the most menacing. 3. Now review the red lights. Which are turned on? In what ways are you tempted to minimize them? 4. List any other yellow or red lights you can think of that were not men oned in this chapter.

Chapter 8 Going Deeper

Once we got really serious, my boyfriend and I took a five-week paren ng class together, a ended a one-day remarriage seminar, and completed a ten-week financial course together. It really helped us evaluate our future. Amanda

So far, all the lights are green. Now what do you do? How do you move past “I love you” to “I’m confident I want to spend the rest of my life with you”? Amanda, quoted above, and her boyfriend are on to something. They inten onally engaged themselves in structured classes and ac vi es that fostered construc ve dialogue. A er da ng for a while, some couples allow their da ng process to wander aimlessly. Bri ney shared, “I was in a rela onship that I thought had poten al for marriage, but then we got in an unhealthy rut. No growth toward God, just the ho-hum of ‘How’s your day?’ A er a year of going nowhere, I expressed my need for more but got no serious response from him. I had to make a decision to move on.” Inten onally inser ng structures, like a ending seminars or reading a book together, helps to deepen a rela onship. In Bri ney’s case, it helped reveal that her level of want was greater than her boyfriend’s. This chapter will provide structures you can put in place and topics to discuss to deepen your rela onship. But before we proceed, now that you’re serious, it’s important to remind yourself where you’re going. ENGAGED TO A SAVIOR In Ma hew 22 there is an interes ng dilemma presented to Jesus; his response is one you’ll never hear shared during a wedding. The Sadducees present a case study to Jesus about a woman who had been married and widowed seven mes. “At the resurrec on,” they asked, “whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?” (Ma hew 22:28). Before hearing Jesus’ reply, let’s push Pause for a moment. Imagine how Hollywood or your favorite romance novelist would answer. “Well, the one she loved the most, of course,” they might reply. Or perhaps, “Only her true soul mate could spend eternity with her in heaven; otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven!” If you were asked that ques on, what would your answer be? Now push Play to hear Jesus’ reply. “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrec on people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” (Ma hew 22:29–30). What? There’s no marriage in heaven? But I thought (didn’t you, too?) that eternity with the one you love would be the ul mate ending to true romance. Well, it is—but not in the way we assume. The Bible begins and ends with a wedding. In the beginning, because of the aloneness of man, God gives the first bride away, and on the last day when Christ comes back for his bride, the church, we will all be joined with him in heaven in perfect oneness. In light of that truth I guess you could say we’re all engaged to our Savior. And when he comes, implies Jesus’ response, we won’t need marriage to fill our aloneness because the power and

presence of God will fulfill our every longing. We will experience ul mate oneness with the One who created us and live happily ever a er. Do you remember being in kindergarten and going on a field trip? The teacher probably paired you up with a friend and told you to hold hands and s ck together. Or the teacher might have grouped a few students together with a chaperone so no one got lost. God has pre y much done the same thing for us. “Before I date someone seriously, I need to see the fruit of the Spirit in them and I need to know that they accept me for who I am but love me enough to encourage my growth with Christ so I will become more like him.”—Bri ney We are on the field trip of life and we’ve le the safety of the classroom, but we haven’t arrived at the des na on yet. When Jesus comes, we will have arrived, but un l then, we’re s ll vulnerable. To help us not get lost, he’s created two groups to help us find our way. First, we’ve been put into a small group of people called the church. Here we look a er one another and encourage one another as we see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25). This is a place for singles as well as couples and families. Others of us find a buddy—a spiritual traveling buddy—to whom we are accountable. We help each other stay on the path and together strive to bring our children along with us on the journey to the ul mate des na on. Marriage to a person is not our ul mate des na on; being wed to our Lord is. Single people need that perspec ve so they won’t overvalue ge ng married, and married people need that perspec ve so they won’t lose sight of their purpose in being together.[41] And da ng people need that perspec ve so that they will date with the purpose of finding someone who can become their buddy during the field trip of life and ul mately usher them to the arms of their Savior. Going deeper for any purpose other than this is a waste of me and could become an idol that detours your walk toward Christ. On the other hand, going deep in the spiritual disciplines, for example, will lead you toward Christ and have the added benefit of solidifying your hearts and empowering a healthy marriage. Therefore, make shared godliness a priority for your rela onship (and if the other person is unable to join you there, consider that a yellow—and some would say red—light). Pray Together You can learn so much about a person just by listening to them pray. What do they pray about? For example, are they the center of their prayers or do they have a heart for the poor, underprivileged, and broken? What concerns them or fills their thoughts? How do they approach the Father—with legalis c fear or humble confidence in God’s grace? If they can’t pray openly with you, you take the lead and see if they can’t eventually get there.

Many people find prayer an in mate ac vity (far more so than sex) that is in mida ng. That should show us just how powerful it is—and how helpful it is to a rela onship.

Knowing Yourself Most people find praying with a roman c partner or spouse difficult. What makes you anxious about it? Write down your feelings and fears. Study the Scriptures Try to engage one another in learning from God’s Word, whether in a Bible study or small group with others, with your children, or just by yourselves. Talk about what God is teaching you and discuss how to live it out. And if you really want to go deep, share your tempta ons and confess sin to each other. A rela onship that offers both accountability and encouragement about such things is one that can reach the des na on. Serve Beside Each Other Turn your shared faith into shared service; get outside of yourself and help someone else in the name of Christ. This is primarily an act of love for those God loves, and yet it also feeds and informs your da ng. DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP Before I share many other prac cal strategies for deepening your rela onship and informing your decisions about marriage, remember to again openly define the rela onship. As I shared earlier, couples should overtly discuss the status of their rela onship at every phase. Before adding inten onal structures to deepen your rela onship, it would be advisable to have the “I’m ready for us to be very inten onal” conversa on. Assuming both of you agree that your level of want is moving you toward marriage, then implementa on of the strategies in this chapter will be easy. If only one of you is ready to define the rela onship as serious, then you’ll need to slow down. Either way, at least you’ll both know where you stand. If both of you are seeking to deepen the rela onship, it’s wise to share this with your children. They, too, need to know the status of your rela onship. This can be accomplished with another “What if?” conversa on. What if Jeremy and I were ge ng serious? What if we all started spending a lot more me together? What if I were to take his daughter out for lunch someday—how would you feel about that? Each answer gives you informa on about how the kids are feeling and what their concerns might be. You might also discover that they already suspected you were serious (our kids can read us pre y well), but s ll, the conversa on lets everyone know of your inten ons. It also invites them to go with you to the next phase of coupleness and familyness. GOING DEEPER STRATEGIES

The following steps are not in any par cular order, and not all of them will make sense for your rela onship. Feel free to implement the ideas that make sense at this point in your rela onship. If you’ve already found your way to doing some of these, you’re on the right track. Explore Your “Fit” and Rela onship Health Throughout the book I have men oned the online Couple Checkup inventory. Used by individual couples throughout the world and churches, the inventory is backed by thirty-five years of research and has been taken by millions of couples. The Couple Checkup is an assessment tool designed to iden fy the unique strengths and growth areas of your rela onship. And because it tailors itself to your rela onship type, you can take it at each season, whether da ng, engaged, or married, in order to assess your strengths and where you need to grow if you are going to have a vibrant marriage. Immediately a er comple ng the assessment, couples receive a ten-page Couple Checkup Report assessing over twenty aspects of couple rela onships, including expecta ons, communica on, managing conflict, finances, affec on and sexuality, spiritual beliefs, and da ng issues (or if engaged, a scale that deals with marital prepara on). You also receive an extensive discussion guide designed to help you learn proven rela onship skills in these and other areas. Research has shown that this process improves rela onships by s mula ng honest dialogue, increasing understanding, and empowering couples. In addi on, couples who want to prepare specifically for the challenges of remarriage will want to get The Remarriage Checkup, the book wri en by the innovator of the Checkup, Dr. David Olson, and me. In that book we report on our research of what predicts healthy remarriages, and we walk couples through a process of using their couple report to enhance their rela onship stability and trust. Taking the Couple Checkup has two dis nct advantages. First, it provides you and your partner an objec ve X ray of your rela onship health. Lots of couples marry with a false confidence in the quality of their rela onship; the fog of love or infatua on distorts their discernment, and they make decisions based on subjec ve feelings.

Take the Couple Checkup To obtain a Voucher Code for your free Individual Profile, call the PREPARE/ENRICH office (CST 8:00 to 4:30) at 800-331-1661. Then go to: www.smartstepfamilies.com and take the survey. This code also provides a 50 percent discount if you upgrade to the full couple report (available a er you have completed your free Individual Profile). The Couple Checkup is not a pass/fail assessment, that is, it’s not a compa bility test and it’s not going to recommend whether you stay together or get married. That is for you to decide. But when taken by both partners it will clearly iden fy whether you have a strong

rela onship, a moderate one, or a fragile one. This creates the second advantage for da ng couples. Learning about your weaknesses helps you as a couple target specific ways to improve. No more shoo ng in the dark. No more wondering what you need to talk about before deciding on marriage. The report will tell you what you need to discuss and what needs to improve, and the book The Remarriage Checkup (and small group discussion guide) will tell you how to do it. There is one limita on, however, to the Checkup. It is a couple rela onship profile, not a family profile. It will help you know whether you are on the same page about stepparen ng, but it won’t assess the joys or fears of your children. It won’t let you know whether your ex is going to make your life miserable and it won’t predict how kids will receive a stepparent’s authority. You s ll have to a end to the familyness issues yourself. Date the Kids If you are the single parent, perhaps you have been a bit protec ve of your kids up to this point. Single parents o en have legi mate concerns about exposing their children to would- be child molesters or a child bonding with someone only to have them step out of the child’s life a er a breakup. Those are reasonable concerns, but now that you are ac vely trying to deepen your rela onship, it’s me to start deepening the poten al steprela onships, as well. This includes “da ng” the other’s children and le ng the children spend me together. Frequently this is already happening to a degree. But what I’m talking about is proac ve, inten onal “family da ng.”

If You Don’t Have Kids Be sure your da ng partner is in agreement that it’s me for you to become more inten onal with their kids. Discuss what this might look like and what strategies you’ll use. If you have been ready for this for some me but the parent is not, ask what their fears or concerns might be and hear their heart. Agree on small steps you can take to help lessen their fears and connect with the kids. Kelsey and her fiancé shared their family da ng best prac ce: “We have weekly meals together and we plan at least one event a month that is required a endance for all the children. We have also planned several weekend trips together.” This type of ac vity is on target for this phase of your da ng. Essen ally, me together is what fosters connec on and a growing sense of family, which will, in turn, increase your confidence in a decision to marry. If the structured me backfires and kids get annoyed by it, back up a step and don’t force it down their throats. Closeness has to be chosen and can’t be forced upon them. Likewise, when a da ng partner dates a kid by spending focused me with them with or without the parent, they should gauge the child’s level of openness and mirror it. Some children are just wai ng for you to walk into their world, and they gladly invite you in. Others will avoid a one-on-one ou ng like the plague. Try to meet them where they are and grow from there. It helps if you engage them around things they are already interested in.

Study their preferences, desires, and wounds and try to enter each as allowed. Your basic goal as the outsider is to get to know them and build a basic level of respect and trust. Love may or may not occur; for now, just connect. Mary, a single mom of two teenagers, offered some good insight when she suggested that couples in this period of da ng include the kids in as many decisions as possible. Teens in par cular need to feel some power over their lives, and bringing them into decisions is a good way to do that—and it shows them some respect. That, in turn, helps them have respect for your rela onship.

Kids Talk  Don’t try to impress me; I can see through phony.  Don’t try to replace my dad/mom, and don’t act like you’re my parent—you’re not.  Don’t smother me; I’ll let you in when I’m good and ready.  No PDA (public displays of affec on)—it’s kind of gross.  I like you—some mes I think I love you—and I feel weird, guilty, and scared when I

do. Having some control in choices and the direc on of the family is very much related to past losses. In an earlier chapter I suggested that for both adults and children, the deepening of a new rela onship and the sense that marriage is approaching heightens both fear and sadness. Don’t be surprised if kids start talking about their deceased parent more as they sense you ge ng more serious. Or perhaps they’ll make sure that your boyfriend, for example, knows that their loyalty is to their biological dad and not him. These stake-in-the- ground statements feel needed when a child is feeling guilty over what is happening. Be sure to listen and affirm these emo ons (see the next sec on), not dismiss or argue with them. Doing so only builds a wall to your rela onship. Jerry told our ministry this is exactly why he went to family therapy with his kids. They needed a place to talk about their mother’s death and at the same me discuss their feelings about his girlfriend, Sonia. Giving his kids a trusted guide to help them sort through some things was wise. Learn to Tune In and Turn Toward Listening with empathy is an amazing skill in interpersonal rela onships. Whether to a co- worker, friend, family member, or spouse, listening with the intent of seeing the world through the eyes of another facilitates emo onal safety between the two par es and fosters shared understanding. This in turn invites each to share with more transparency. When this is understood and validated, both experience greater in macy with each other.

Part- me Kids Two challenges:

1. Having infrequent me with them makes bonding harder. 2. When they do visit, try to balance their need for one-on-one me with their

parent and the couple’s need for family da ng.

There are some subtle but very important skills that people can develop to help them be more empathe c. They have been described as tuning in and turning toward your partner.[42] Partners who tune in are aware of what is going on in the inner world of the other and they a end to it. “I know you’ve been worried about your son lately. How did it go with Dylan today?” This invites a sharing of inner worlds and says, “I’m here for you.” Turning toward the other, par cularly when they are experiencing a nega ve emo on, requires a tolerance for anxiety, especially if the emo on is about you. Having this skill starts with believing that nega ve emo ons aren’t bad, but are instead a normal part of life. People with a low tolerance for nega vity try to squelch it as soon as possible. Have you ever tried to talk someone out of a nega ve feeling (especially one about you)? It doesn’t work—and it pushes them further away from you. Rather, enter the person’s world, turn toward them, to explore and understand the emo on. “It’s obvious you are feeling hurt. Help me understand.” Now here’s what true masters are able to do: They listen beneath the other’s words to hear the desire embedded deep within. Their words may be “Yeah, I’m hurt. We make plans to be together and then you break them at the drop of a hat to accommodate your kids’ every beck and call.” A dismissing person will reply, “Now wait a minute. You know my kids are important to me. Don’t get between me and my kids.” With a message of “you can’t feel that way,” this argument is off to the races (and both people are going to feel more distant and less safe as a result). Rather, listen beneath the words to hear the desire, the request therein. What they really said was, “I’m missing you.” A master listener will turn toward that desire and validate the feeling (even if they don’t understand it). “What you’re telling me is that you enjoy being with me and feel disappointed when something interrupts our me together.” When hearts connect around desire, then and only then can the couple have a nondefensive, safe conversa on about the delicacies of balancing their couple me with the needs of the children. Highly respected marital researcher John Go man said, “There is a longing or a wish, and therefore a recipe, within every nega ve emo on.”[43] Can you find the longing . . . and follow the recipe? A master partner and companion can.

When the Kid Is an Adult Strive to have peer-to-peer turning toward conversa ons, not parent-child ones. This shows respect to the adult child and invites respect. Now here’s the bonus. People who have the skills to tune in to emo on make be er stepparents because they are not afraid of the emo ons of children. In par cular, they know what to do with nega ve emo ons. For example, a stepmother with this skill is not dismissive of a child who displays sadness around Mother’s Day because they aren’t with their mother. Instead, she turns toward the child, acknowledges and labels the sadness (and pain), and invites the child to share it with her. A dismissive stepmother would feel personally a acked in this situa on and get lost in how it made her feel instead of focusing on the child; she may even try to talk the child into feeling be er (a strategy that never works). Again, a stepparent with a tolerance for nega ve emo ons would be

compassionate, pa ent with the child, and view the situa on as an opportunity to help coach the child (learn more about emo onal coaching in The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad ). Just as in a couple’s rela onship, this response fosters emo onal safety and a movement toward one another; it invites stepchildren to draw toward a stepparent. This in turn is a homerun for the family as a whole. TOPICS TO DISCUSS—REALLY DISCUSS The Remarriage Checkup book and online Couple Checkup assessment and report will spur dialogue around a number of important topics related to your couple rela onship. Topics like money management, how you expect to manage conflict (i.e., the rules for figh ng fair), personal habits that concern you, and your expecta ons for sex in marriage need focused conversa on and agreement should you decide to move forward together. Money management, for example, is not just about “Are you a spender or a saver?” or “Should we compile all our assets or keep them separate a er we marry?” It is also about your values and your understanding of stewardship from a biblical standpoint. These conversa ons are vital to deepening your rela onship.

Financial Conversa ons A list of money ques ons for da ng couples to discuss is available at smartstepfamilies.com/view/money-ques ons. Another cri cal topic to discuss is paren ng. As you read that, you’re probably thinking, Well, duh. Of course that’s important—there are kids to raise (or if adults, to mentor or support). But apparently that isn’t as clear to most single parents as you’d think. Only about one-third of moms discuss with their da ng partner before marriage some aspect of his future role as stepfather to her children (e.g., his behavior and affec on toward the children, his role in child care, or discipline and behavioral management), and 19 percent never discuss anything![44] If you ask me, that’s evidence of big assump ons such as “He’s a great guy, he will be a great father” and “Because we get along so well, we will see eye to eye on paren ng.” Such assump ons are extremely risky. Likewise, I’ve no ced that many singles without children of their own have a strong hesita on to bring up paren ng ma ers with their da ng partner because they think I don’t have kids, what do I know about paren ng? Others fear that it will appear as if they are being cri cal of the kids. So in an a empt not to create conflict, they just avoid the subject altogether. Bo om line: The couple does not process paren ng styles, strategies, their knowledge of child development, or their preferences in discipline. Once Serious With Someone, What Should You Talk About? Judy recommended couples discuss their paren ng expecta ons, how to discipline, and daily rou nes, including everything from how to get kids up in the morning, to bath me and bed me rou nes, to what you do on the weekends and family tradi ons on holidays.

What’s at stake here is the children’s adjustment to the new family and the stepparent. Family conflict that begins with paren ng issues quickly transi ons to marital ones. As I shared earlier in the book, couple sa sfac on before marriage is centered on the couple’s rela onship, but a er the wedding is increasingly ed to parental unity or conflict (as well as other third-party stressors like difficult ex-spouses). Being a couple and being unified parents are two different things; do not assume you will be a good team just because you love each other. It’s cri cal to thoroughly discuss:

 your expecta ons of the children’s chores and responsibili es;  behavioral management of the children;  the role of punishment in your home and which strategies you will and won’t u lize;  how you will train the children spiritually;  whether you will have more children;  the influence of co-parents on your household, the boundaries you will a empt to

put in place, and how to manage stressors that arise from the other home; and  how you will func on as a parent-stepparent team, including how to capitalize on

your rela onal strengths with the children, who will impose discipline and under what condi ons, and coming to an understanding of the limita ons of the stepparent’s role and influence.

The details of these ma ers are beyond the scope of this book, but all of these topics are specifically addressed in my books The Smart Stepdad and The Smart Stepmom (coauthored with Laura Petherbridge). In addi on, each book contains two chapters for the biological parent detailing their unique and cri cal role in se ng the stepparent up for success. I strongly recommend that you read one or, if appropriate, both of those books, discuss the concepts, and agree on which will govern your paren ng should you marry. I can’t tell you how many people have read those books well into their marriage and reported to me, “We have made so many mistakes and now I understand what we did wrong. I wish I would have read this before we married.” Find a Mentor and Learn All You Can About Stepfamily Living Nearly twenty years of counseling, coaching, and training blended families has revealed a secret of successful blended family couples: They work harder at ge ng smarter about stepfamily living. Ge ng smarter means learning all you can about how stepfamilies func on and operate best, and why they have the unique complexi es that they do. You may know how to drive a car, but driving in snow and icy condi ons requires a different knowledge and skill set. Nearly all blended families have inclement weather to manage as they drive, so adopt the a tude of a learner.

When a Parent Is Deceased Stepparents should explore what type of parent they were. Don’t try to replicate them (be yourself), but realize that who they were creates expecta ons in the children.

To do this you can read the books I’ve recommended or visit smartstepfamilies.com (with the largest bank of ar cles on stepfamily living available). But let me also recommend that you find a mentor couple to walk with you through your da ng, decisions about marriage, and first two years a er the wedding. Look for a couple who has been married at least ten years, take them to lunch, and ask them if they’d be willing to walk beside you. They don’t have to have all the answers—perhaps you could read The Smart Stepfamily or watch my Remarriage Success DVD together and let the content ignite insigh ul conversa ons—they just have to be willing to share some of their perspec ve. One indirect way of being mentored is si ng in on your church’s class or small group for blended family couples. (If they don’t have one, ask them to begin one soon!) Listen to the couples discuss real-life ma ers and glean from their experience what is helpful and what isn’t. You will never regret the effort it takes to get smart. Discussion Ques ons

1. How might an inten onal family ou ng reveal the need to slow your da ng? 2. So far, how have you been inten onal to foster depth in your da ng? What

other ideas has this chapter generated for you? 3. What is unse ling about Jesus’ teaching that there is no marriage in heaven

(Ma hew 22:28–30)? 4. How does it recalibrate your image of marriage to think of it as God’s spiritual

buddy system meant to usher us toward the ul mate des na on and “marriage” to Christ?

5. How o en have you prayed together and under what circumstances? Most couples find praying together without others present very difficult. The level of insecurity and anxiety in doing so is a tes mony to how in mate it is. Discuss together how you can begin praying together more o en.

6. Without discussing it first, each of you should write a brief paragraph defining your rela onship as you currently understand it. Then share and discuss what you’ve wri en.

7. Review the sidebar Kids Talk (p. 171). What do you think your kids are thinking about your rela onship?

8. Rate your ability to tune in and turn toward nega ve emo ons on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most ideal). What ra ng would your partner give you? What ra ng would the children give you?

9. Discuss if and when you will take the online Couple Checkup. Once you have, use your Couple Report to s mulate conversa on about your strengths and growth areas.

10. Discerning your fit as a paren ng team is cri cal. What books, classes, or seminars could you access to help you explore and develop a paren ng plan?

11. List the names of five poten al mentor couples. Decide if and when you will approach them for guidance.

Chapter 9 Re-Engage? Decisions About Marriage

Our wedding is planned for later this year, but I plan to postpone it. I love him and the children, but it is so hard. Facebook Submission I think it’s ge ng harder in our culture today for people to pull the trigger on a covenant commitment to another person. The collec ve anxiety in our world about the instability of marriage screams—via TV, movies, online media, and social networking sites—“Don’t do it.” And people are listening. Cohabita on has risen drama cally before a first marriage, which doesn’t usually happen un l people are in their late twen es and already have a child. In mid- life, cohabita on between marriages is exceedingly common, and more and more later-life couples are choosing cohabita on instead of trying to merge re rement plans and three genera ons of family rela onships. We lack confidence in “happily ever a er” and, therefore, keep trying to find ways of being with someone without having to fully be with someone. And yet God has clearly created marriage for our provision and protec on. “Fine,” you say, “but that doesn’t help me know whether to marry this person or whether the kid-adult combina ons will work out.” One woman posted the following to an online forum. She was already engaged but far from pulling the trigger: My fiancé and I are ge ng married in several months. I have three children and he has two. We began da ng a couple years ago; before that I had not seriously dated anyone for eight years because I chose to focus on my children and only date someone that I would consider marrying someday. We fell in love, and at mes I feel like we can work through the obstacles of blending our families, but at other mes I feel hopeless. I am not sure if I am just ge ng cold feet or if we have major issues. My children have no father in their life; his kids live with their mother and they visit us whenever they like. He has been more than a father to my children and they absolutely LOVE him. He takes off work to go to their school events and much more. They have never had a father and they don’t take him for granted. We broke up once because I didn’t think I could do it. He spends money trying to keep up with his ex’s new husband; I’m afraid of losing everything I have worked for if we get married. A er we broke up, one of his kids stayed in touch with me and begged us to get back together. She said that with me and her father together, she actually felt like she was part of a family. She was so excited when we became engaged, but some mes it feels like she doesn’t like me at all. I’m confused. DECISION POINTS “So how do we know if we should get married?” That is a ques on I hear o en. Even a er da ng well and giving careful considera on to all of the dynamics involved, the answer isn’t easy. There are a plethora of ma ers that people

evaluate as they consider engagement: their life stage, financial situa on, the openness of the children, how much they desire a life partner, the quality of the rela onship and perceived future together, how much they love the other person, the level of conflict in the rela onship— on and on the list goes. I’ve talked about a number of these throughout the book, but only you can know what all these factors are for you, and only you can evaluate the pros and cons, risks and rewards of each in order to make a decision. Some of these ma ers weigh more heavily than others, and since you determine how much they weigh, ul mately you determine which impact your decision most. Some ma ers are poten al deal breakers; others give cause for con nued da ng while delaying a decision. Catching couples in the throes of the “integra on years” (see chapter 10) will likely find them under stress. Talk to blended families who have been married ten years or longer to balance your hesita ons and hear about the long-term rewards of healthy blended families. May I suggest that it is unrealis c to expect that you can do away with every concern or anxiety related to this decision. What you are looking for in general is:

 confidence in your rela onship  convic on that you are willing to give your life away in the loving service of the other

(and their children)  trust that your partner is willing to do the same for you  an educated, objec ve sense (as opposed to a love-intoxicated delusional sense) that

the children are reasonably open to your union and a new family, and that their emo onal, psychological, and spiritual health will be well served by your marriage

Confidence Joshua sent me an email explaining his decision hesita ons: I know you don’t remember me, but we talked on the phone a couple of months ago and I ordered one of your books and a video. My girlfriend and I were thinking of ge ng married and blending our families. We wanted to do it the right way and were in no hurry, so we did some research and found your ministry. We both watched your video, read The Smart Stepfamily together, and took your advice sugges ng we find a blended family to talk to. What we found is probably not what most would expect and certainly not what we expected. We couldn’t find a stepfamily that really thrived— not one that looked like ours, anyway. All of the families we looked at were just surviving, having a mul tude of issues surrounding the children; some were on divorce’s doorstep again. This scared us to death. It seems to us that the blended family is a good idea for adults, but not so good for the kids. To their credit, Joshua and his girlfriend were proac vely learning all they could about stepfamily living, but the feedback they got from those living the reali es was causing hesita on. In short, their confidence was low.

“I am a single female . . . never been married. I am engaged to a man with two children, ages nine and seven. Our wedding is planned for later this year, but I plan to postpone it. I love him and the children, but it is so hard. All he thinks about is his kids—but isn’t that the way it is supposed to be? I feel so selfish because I think What about me? I feel guilty and unsure of what to do. Is there anyone who can help me—and us—decide what to do?” I’ve suggested throughout this book that the quality of the future stepparent-stepchildren rela onship(s) is just as important to a marriage decision as the quality of the couple rela onship. You need confidence in both to move forward. If you are lacking confidence, give full considera on as to why, and don’t get engaged un l your confidence rises. One predictable trap for people who lack full confidence before making a decision to marry is that a er the wedding, when the inevitable conflicts and disappointments of blended living occur, they look back on the decision and label it a bad one. Recas ng the past in light of a stressful present is highly predic ve of marital disillusionment and divorce[45] because it closes you off to seeing the rela onship as a good one or one worthy of hard work. Ignoring your own hesitancies before marriage is a setup for trouble later. When your confidence is high, make a decision for marriage; un l then, keep seeking to resolve the concerns or gracefully bow out of the rela onship if you can’t. Commitment and Trust Let me remind you of something you already know. Marriage is tough. Not because it’s inherently difficult, but because marriage reveals our selfishness. Therefore, it forces us, if we want to experience trust and in macy, to do the hard work of confron ng and sacrificing our selfishness. Marriage is tough because in macy always requires more of us than we expected. (By the way, this is one significant way God grows us up into the likeness of our Savior.) To help us stay engaged in this painful process of growing up, God in his infinite wisdom asks each person to make a covenant that binds them together throughout life. Without this permanence, most people won’t subject themselves to the process of matura on and discipleship that marriage brings; instead they wiggle out when the going gets tough. The “ ll death do us part” promise helps to constrain our momentary unwillingness to mature and strengthens our mo va on to persist, grow, and learn to love. What I’m sugges ng to you is that commitment in the form of marital vows expressed at a wedding is a significant turning point for any rela onship because it helps foster a living out of the commitment. It builds a wall of mo va on around the marriage that helps each person to allow God to grow them into the person the marriage and blended family needs them to be. Wai ng for a guarantee that this is the right person doesn’t take into considera on who they will be a er making a commitment—or for that ma er, who you will be. Instead, evaluate whether you and your da ng partner have the resolve and determina on to live out a covenant commitment. If not, slow down or back up a step. But if you do trust the level of resolve in both of you, keep moving forward.

What should you do if one of you is ready to make that commitment and the other is not? This brings us back to the dance of want that I discussed in chapter 7. If one of you is feeling God’s blessing on the rela onship and is ready to move forward, great. But don’t use that desire as a hammer to make the other want the rela onship just as much. Instead, make space for them to reach their own decision in their own ming. “But what if they aren’t moving fast enough?” someone might ask. Well, one thing’s for sure— saying, “Hurry up and want!” won’t help. Rather, take this approach:

 Pa ently con nue da ng. Date within the level of closeness and commitment—the comfort zone, if you will—of the other; be inten onal to deepen your understanding of each other and your circumstances.

 Wrestle with your impa ence. Usually there is fear underneath that needs to be a ended to. Name the fear and process it with someone other than your da ng partner (that puts undue pressure on them to alleviate your fear for you, which fosters a guilt that is not conducive to them making an unencumbered decision for the rela onship).

 Iden fy together any specific concerns about your couple or family rela onships. Seek solu ons when you can iden fy them. Realize there may be some concerns that do not have a resolu on within your control (e.g., concerns about the nega vity of an ex- spouse or when you have been married before and the other can’t get comfortable with not being your “one and only”).

 Give me for the hesitant person to find resolu on to their concerns. Remember, me is a friend to your us-ness.

 At some point, however, the higher desire person will grow weary of wai ng. Only they will know when they can’t wait any longer and need to move on. Feel free to let the other know when you’re growing weary (define the rela onship), but don’t threaten a breakup just to get them to want more.

 If you are unable to find mutual direc on for the future, courageously end the rela onship.

Mike and Charlene pulled me aside at a conference. They had read a couple of my books and were a ending a conference, but they had a dilemma that needed personal a en on. Mike had been divorced about sixteen years. He had raised his three girls and now they were young professionals living on their own. While raising them, he dated a few people but focused primarily on his children. Charlene was about fourteen years younger than Mike and was busy raising her two children: Tommy, age twelve, and Katy, age ten. Mike and Charlene had been da ng for about two years when it occurred to both of them that they were stuck when it came to a decision about marriage.

I must tell you, most couples that pull me aside at a conference and ask whether they are ready to marry have not done their homework. Unlike you, who have been reading this book, they haven’t studied about stepfamily living, nor have they considered the spiritual implica ons of such a decision. In addi on, they are typically having sex and in a hurry to e the knot. None of this was true for Mike and Charlene. They had successfully managed their sexual tempta ons, had sought outside counsel and wisdom about the tasks of becoming a stepfamily, were being very pa ent with the da ng process, and were very much in love with each other. So what was the problem? The closer they got to marriage, the more Mike realized he didn’t have any desire to raise more children. Charlene’s kids were about to enter adolescence, and he knew how much emo onal energy that would require of him; he just didn’t want to be responsible for them or to them. He felt very bad about this. His first ques on to me was “Is there something wrong with me? Am I just being selfish?” “Selfish would be marrying her under false pretenses and then disengaging from the kids,” I said. As we talked through his feelings, it became clear to me that Mike was not a self-absorbed man. He just didn’t want more kids, and he knew that if he married Charlene he couldn’t go halfway in paren ng. It was an all-or-nothing decision. I agreed. I was impressed with Mike’s self-awareness and honesty with Charlene. They had discussed this numerous mes, and again the conversa on led him to admit that it wouldn’t be right to ask Charlene to keep wai ng for him. This maturity impressed me. But Charlene’s maturity throughout the conversa on impressed me even more. She was the higher desire partner who had been wai ng on Mike. She had been hopeful about a future with him—and even now s ll was. I’m sure the weight of his decision would not se le in un l they really stopped seeing each other, but she took the hard news well. She could have responded out of her emo ons—fear, rejec on, disappointment—but instead she responded out of wisdom. As much as she wanted Mike in her life, she knew it wouldn’t be wise to talk him into staying or make accommoda ons in order to keep him. She also knew he needed to be all in or he wasn’t the best person for her and her children. Both were right in their honest assessment of the situa on, and it led to the hard decision: It was me to go their separate ways. Don’t agree to marry without both of you having a clear commitment that you can trust. A Reasonable Expecta on That Your Kids Are Open to a New Family and Will Be Blessed by It Let me define some terms in this statement. It’s not reasonable to think your kids are open to having a stepparent and stepfamily if you have talked to them about it only a couple of mes, if you have had a rapid first-date-to-engagement meline, and/or if you think their fears are silly and assume they’ll get over them a er the wedding. These aren’t reasonable expecta ons; they’re fantasy. You also can’t be sure without some objec ve input.

One of the best things a single parent can do is to invite an extended family member, a youth pastor, family friend, or grandparent to spend me listening to the children talk about their feelings related to the poten al stepparent, his or her children, and the possibility of becoming a blended family. Kids just aren’t as transparent with their biological parent as they are with someone objec ve that they trust. In chapters in both The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad on later-life blended families, I share, for example, stories about adult children who told their widowed parent how excited they were that their parent was considering remarriage—only to later reject the stepparent a er the marriage was final. Was the adult child lying? No. They, like younger children, have mixed feelings all at once and can genuinely be happy for their parent and sad for themselves at the same me. Invi ng a trusted mentor or family member to explore both sides of the child’s feelings will give you objec ve feedback that can help you decide whether to move forward and what is the best ming. As I said in chapter 5, your children do not get to decide whether you marry. But only a fool doesn’t care whether they like the idea or hate it.

When the Kids Are Adults A common mistake is assuming that adult children will have few adjustments to a parent’s remarriage. Be sure to talk with them extensively and explore how life will change for everyone if a wedding takes place (see chapter 10). The second part of the sec on heading should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Don’t marry someone unless you are convinced they will bring emo onal, spiritual, psychological, and rela onal blessings to your children. This is your first obliga on in making a decision to marry (not your personal happiness). God has entrusted your children to you, so you must consider the stewardship of their lives a vital priority in making a decision for marriage. “YEAH, BUT HOW DO I KNOW?” Now, having said all that, let me really frustrate you by sta ng the obvious. Even if your confidence in both couple and child rela onships is high, mutual commitment is present, and a willingness to give the best of yourself in the loving service of the other is being lived out, you s ll won’t know that you should get married. At some level when you get right down to it, marriage is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. Recently I had dinner with a couple about to be married; their wedding date was about a month away. Megan had two children from a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Ryan, her fiancé, had never been married and didn’t have any children. One source of stress for the couple was Megan’s ex-husband, who was unpredictable and irresponsible, and a consistent fly in their ointment. But there was a lot of posi ve energy around Megan’s young kids, who loved Ryan and couldn’t wait for the couple to marry so he could “spend the night.” As we talked, I began to pick up on Ryan’s apprehensions. As much as he loved Megan and her kids and wanted to join his life to theirs, he found himself wondering if he could follow through with the decision to marry her. The crux of the ma er centered on what Ryan couldn’t control.

As a single man, Ryan had been the master of his universe. A man who loved being in charge of his schedule, things, and family rela onships, Ryan was now being challenged by circumstances and people (e.g., Megan’s ex-husband) that he could not predict, let alone control. He feared walking into something that would be a constant thorn in his manageability flesh. Did he want to marry Megan and her children? Yes. Did he know that doing so would work out well? No. No one can know. I told Ryan two things. First, he didn’t have to get married. Even though an announcement had been declared, plans had been made, and a date was set, he didn’t have to get married. He could bow out gracefully or just slow down the love train un l his confidence increased. Second, I a empted to calm his anxiety around not knowing. Wan ng to be certain that things would work out was, ironically enough, a reflec on of his need to control his life. If he married, he would have to do so knowing that he would never be certain about anything and certainly not in control of his world (something singles without kids o en miss). Rather, he would have to trust God to teach him and Megan who they needed to be and trust that his and her commitment to each other would provide a protec ve climate around their rela onship that would allow them to learn what God had to show them. What Ryan—and you—can never know before marriage is who he needs to become in order to love his spouse and family. God will teach him that, and he’ll use the crisis of marriage, paren ng, and life to show him what that looks like. For Ryan to put his faith in some constructed reality of what he knows is extremely nearsighted. At the end of the day, he will be much be er off pu ng his faith in God’s ability to show him how to love, even while God is also showing Megan how to love. What I’m saying is this: Even a er da ng well (and you ought to), exploring your fit as a couple, examining your fears (and you must), listening to and considering your kids’ needs, and pausing at every flashing yellow light (and you should ), marriage is s ll a leap of faith. And it’s in the falling that God teaches you to love another person the way his Son loves you. The decision then is this: Are you willing to leap and take your kids with you? GAINING CONFIDENCE Confidence calms the heart and reduces anxiety. If some concerns are keeping your confidence low, I would encourage you to pursue resolu on of those issues. But even if your confidence is high, it can be based on unrealis c expecta ons and assump ons—a figment of your imagina on. For example, some have a blind confidence in their future, assuming that stressors during da ng will automa cally improve a er a wedding. “Once we’re married and have more

me together, we’ll be able to work through these things,” I heard one woman say. WRONG! Problems that exist before marriage tend to worsen a er.

So how do you know if you have a false confidence? How do you resolve issues so you can consider the future? Get objec ve feedback. Here are two things to do. Email ques on: “I’m aware that both of us are weak in managing money. Should we hold off on marriage un l each of us improves in that area, or is it okay to remarry, since we’re both aware of the weaknesses?” Reply: “Confidence should be coupled with skills. Hoping a problem will magically go away is asking for trouble. Grow in your money management skills before becoming engaged.” Pre-engagement Counseling I know you’ve heard of premarital counseling, but when your confidence about marriage is faltering, I suggest you seek out pre-engagement counseling. Si ng down with someone can really help you stay objec ve about the rela onship and avoid being blinded by the fog of love. Explore your concerns and frustra ons with someone, both individually and as a couple. This will help you make a more informed decision about marriage and perhaps work through some issues that may be lowering your confidence. Take the Couple Checkup You may have taken the Checkup earlier in your da ng rela onship, but feel free to take it again now. If gains have been made, you’ll see it in black and white. If not, you’ll see that, too. Either way, you’re ge ng valid objec ve feedback on the overall health of your rela onship. “WE’RE ENGAGED!” MAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS AND TELLING THE KIDS Because confidence is high, each of you trusts the other’s resolve, and the kids are on board, you’ve go en engaged. Congratula ons! It’s me to make it known to the world. I’m going to make an assump on (which is always dangerous, by the way!). If you get engaged, it will not be a surprise to your kids. If they are blindsided by it, you’ve probably skipped a step (go back and read chapter 5). Assuming you’ve been having an ongoing dialogue about your rela onship and their feelings about it, and assuming your da ng has moved at a pace that has allowed them to see its growth and have me to bond with your partner (and if present, their children and extended family), then the engagement announcement should not be a huge surprise to them. It will certainly be a reality check—but it should not blindside them. S ll, you have to tell them. Telling the Kids Given the diversity of children’s ages, genders, personali es, developmental needs, and family history (e.g., family closeness, paren ng history, loss events, etc.), it would be absurd for me to tell you exactly how you should tell the children about your engagement. Instead, I’ll share

some things for you to consider and the two of you can pray for wisdom as you decide how to proceed. In addi on, when I asked my focus group of single parents what worked for them, a number of best prac ces rose to the surface. Let’s learn from two case studies. Kelsey shared, “Before we got engaged, we had already been preparing the kids for many months, telling them we were moving toward marriage. In the beginning we sensed some resistance, but as they came to see the difference in us as a couple, they have come to accept the situa on.” Let’s no ce a few things that are important. First, not only had Kelsey and her boyfriend been defining their rela onship to each other, they had been defining it to their children, as well. When the me for engagement came, it wasn’t a surprise because the kids had a few months to prepare themselves emo onally and express any concern. Second, by having mul ple conversa ons with the children over me, this couple strengthened their leadership voice with the children. Including them invites respect from children even while the kids’ input helps the adults to objec vely evaluate the possible fit of family members. The couple will also be wise to con nue having mul ple conversa ons throughout the engagement period about life a er the wedding, changes the children will have to face, and how they feel about all that is happening (see chapter 10). Ongoing dialogue is crucial to staying emo onally connected and helping the family journey forward. Third, note that the reality of marriage ini ally brought some child resistance to the surface—it usually does. We’ll talk more about that later in this chapter. Another single parent, Melissa, and her fiancé, Bruce, reported this when asked how they told their kids about their engagement. “We have kept open lines of communica on with both our children throughout our da ng. Before he proposed, he sat down with his kids and I sat down with mine and we talked openly about what they thought of the other partner. Also, because my kids’ father passed away, Bruce and I wanted to make sure they understood that he wasn’t replacing their dad, but was just going to be a father figure. We asked my kids if they thought their dad would approve of Bruce helping me to raise them; they said yes.” I love that Melissa and Bruce spoke individually to their children. If the other partner and their children are in the room when you tell them you’re engaged, you might not get a completely honest response. Be er to create an environment conducive to freedom of expression. Next, note that right from the start they proac vely defined for the kids some of the implica ons and boundaries of the new family. By telling them that Bruce wasn’t going to replace their father, they helped the kids know what to expect from him and what they didn’t have to fear in him. Another helpful strategy is to provide as many facts as possible about how their lives will change a er the wedding. For example, share “Here is our meline for a wedding and where we will live; this is where you’ll go to school; and here’s what we’re going to do to ensure that your

me with your mom/dad in the other home is maintained.”

Tips for Telling the Kids  Emphasize your commitment and availability to them.

 Plan for and engage in mul ple conversa ons before and a er the big announcement.  Acknowledge that this means change for their lives in significant ways; try to an cipate

some of those changes.  Provide as many facts as you can about how life will change, and give honor to their

other family loyal es and rela onships.  Don’t let your enthusiasm cheat them of me with the other household.  Don’t be surprised by volcanic erup ons.

Melissa and Bruce also showed honor to the kids’ deceased biological father and kept his place in the family alive by asking what he would think about Bruce stepping into their lives. This declares that their approach of forming the blended family will be one that expands the emo onal system of the former family and includes family members past and present, rather than one that tries to shrink the emo onal system and cut out important people. At a me when so much is changing, children need to hear this from their parent and future stepparent and then see this spirit of grace lived out day a er day. Melissa made one more comment. She noted that she and Bruce have daughters the same age that competed o en. When planning how to make their announcement, they tried to an cipate the issues they would have and tried to be sensi ve to their needs by individually reassuring each that she was loved. I would extend this strategy to every child (not just those in compe on with a future stepsibling). Bathe your pre-, during-, and post-announcement conversa ons in reassurance of your love and commitment to them. One of the predictable reac ons from children to a parent’s engagement announcement, especially those who have already lost connec on with a parent or significant family member, is a feeling of insecurity. Life is about to change—again—in another huge way. Kids need to know they haven’t lost your love, a en on, nurturing, or availability. Reaffirm your love for them over and over. Volcanic Erup ons. From me to me, even a er couples have done due diligence in preparing their kids for an engagement and feel confident the children are in favor of the marriage, children erupt when an announcement is made. Others erupt a er the wedding. This unforeseen erup on can be explained this way: It isn’t real un l it’s real. Only when the reali es hit home do some children experience resistance and anger at the idea of their parent’s marriage (not unlike the sinking feeling most of us get as our wedding day approaches and the “Dear God, what have I done?” ques on hits our brain). When this happens, the trick is not to panic. What is needed is a turning toward the child’s nega ve emo ons and the courage to coach them into understanding what they are feeling and what they will do with it. A couple who responds nega vely to a child’s reac on will likely do one of two things: either dismiss their feelings (defensively try to explain to the child why they don’t need to feel that way), or back away from the engagement decision to placate the child. Neither is helpful. Instead, recognize that the erup on is a func on of fear and insecurity and ar culates how significant this change is for the child. Refer back to the discussion of Learn to Tune In and Turn Toward in chapter 8, and acknowledge the child’s feelings so you can earn the right to coach them through the nega ve emo ons and insecurity. This is not to say that you

can resolve the child’s fears; this is not about fixing them. It is about remaining connected to them and their pain. Telling Parents, Extended Family, and the Children’s Other Parent Talk with your fiancé and perhaps the children (if they need a voice in how this happens) and decide how to inform your extended family and your ex-spouse about the engagement. They, too, have a vested interest in your life and the lives of the children and will need to be respec ully considered. A principle to keep in mind when deciding who should tell whom is that blood talks to blood and ex-spouses talk to ex-spouses. Each of the adults should tell their own extended family members and ideally the children’s other biological parent. An excep on to the la er would be if doing so will erupt violence or a hos le response from an ex. PLANNING OR PREPARING? Once everyone knows about your engagement, it’s me to start preparing. Unfortunately, once engaged, most people shi gears from working on a rela onship to planning a wedding. But engagement is just the beginning, a passing from a phase of evalua on to a new phase of prepara on, that is, preparing to become a family. In the next chapter I’ll outline some key steps to take and what to look for as blended family living approaches. Discussion Ques ons

1. To what degree do you agree with this statement and why? I think it’s ge ng harder in our culture today for people to pull the trigger on a covenant commitment to another person. The collec ve anxiety in our world about the instability of marriage screams, “Don’t do it!”

2. In what way does the Chris an culture scream, “Go ahead, get married— everything will be fine!”

3. This chapter outlines four basic points to assess before becoming engaged:  confidence in your rela onship  convic on that you are willing to give your life away in the loving service of the other

(and their children)  trust that your partner is willing to do the same for you  an educated, objec ve sense that the children are reasonably open to your union and a

new family, and that their emo onal, psychological, and spiritual health will be well served by your marriage.

What do you think of them? Would you add more? 4. Now rate your current rela onship on each point above on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest). Explain your ra ng.

5. Share what would be difficult about being in a rela onship where one is ready to marry and the other isn’t. 6. Discuss this statement: Even a er da ng well (and you ought to), exploring your fit as a couple, examining your fears (and you must), listening to and considering your kids’ needs, and pausing at every flashing yellow light (and you should ), marriage is s ll a leap of faith. And it’s in the falling that God teaches you to love another person the way his Son loves you. 7. Review and discuss these ps for telling the kids once a decision to marry has been made. What addi onal ideas would you add to the list?

 Emphasize your commitment and availability to them.  Plan for and engage in mul ple conversa ons before and a er the big announcement.  Acknowledge that this means change for their lives in significant ways; try to an cipate

some of those changes.  Provide as many facts as you can about how life will change, and give honor to their

other family loyal es and rela onships.  Don’t let your enthusiasm cheat them of me with the other household.  Don’t be surprised by volcanic erup ons.

Chapter 10

Preparing for a Good Blend

If remarriage, as Samuel Johnson said, is the triumph of hope over experience,[46] then a harmonious blended family is the triumph of risk over fear, trust over self-protec on, inclusion over exclusion, and grace over possessiveness. Congratula ons! The decision to marry has been made, perhaps a date set, and you’re planning a wedding. Just be sure to plan for becoming a family, as well, because ul mately that is what this is all about—becoming family to one another. Through the years I have encountered countless blended families that were comprised of a strong marital couple who really loved each other trying to exist within a divided stepfamily household. Preparing for a good blend will hopefully keep that story from becoming yours. BECOMING FAMILY: KEY STEPS TO TAKE Don’t be surprised if you feel underprepared for stepfamily living. In the na onal survey of couples planning to form blended family marriages, which David Olson and I conducted, we found that in two-thirds of unhappy couples (those with struggling couple rela onships) one or both partners felt inadequately prepared for the reali es of stepfamily living; so did one-third of the happy couples. We also found that 78 percent of couples were already having difficulty related to blending and 72 percent disagreed about whether ge ng married would put more stress on their rela onship (this disagreement, ironically, puts more stress on their couple

rela onship).[47] The point: Don’t be surprised by growing stress and tension around how to blend. It’s not easy even in all-around healthy situa ons. As the wedding day approaches, stress tends to increase for all family members. Don’t be surprised by this. I o en tell pastors that the key objec ve of stepfamily ministry is to get the newly formed family through the first few years. Surviving the “integra on years” is really what you’re trying to do. On the surface that may not sound like much, but actually it’s rather significant. The first five to seven years are when everyone is adjus ng to life together and becoming family, that is, learning first to like each other and then, perhaps, to love each other even as they are psychologically redefining their exis ng family to include new family members. This is a stressful process with many potholes and road hazards. For example, research confirms that “it takes longer for children to adjust to living in a stepfamily than it does for them to adjust to living in a single-parent family.”[48] That statement usually hits single parents right between the eyes, because they remember how much stress and strain their children experienced a er the death of their parent or the divorce in their family. I believe the adjustment me will be reduced by a healthy da ng process (what this book has outlined) but the point is, expect there to be a period of transi onal stress for your home a er the wedding. Further, while most adults intui vely know that stepparents and stepchildren can take years to bond, most biological parents don’t an cipate that rela onships with their own children can come under stress, especially within the first two years a er the wedding and again when young children enter adolescence. Mother-daughter rela onships post remarriage, for example, commonly become strained (even as mother-son rela onships o en get be er when a stepfather enters the home), and the family unit as a whole can experience three mes the level of stress that a biological family experiences. The good news, however, is that this escala on of stress and conflict generally recovers a er two years.[49] Again, the issue is adjustment to the new family. “Remarriage does not cons tute a neutral event for children. Parent-child rela onships are put under considerable stress following remarriage, and parents and children face challenges that are not experienced by parents in first-marriage and single-parent families.”[50] Some may ask, “Ron, are you trying to scare us? Why include these doses of reality at this point in the book?” No, I’m not trying to scare you, but I am trying to inform you that while good da ng requires much work, more work will be needed a er the wedding. Don’t relax your ini a ve; move instead into this next season of your rela onship with as much drive as you’ve had up to now because, while the integra on years may be stressful for many (not all) blended families, the rewards are worth the price. Research confirms that once the marriage and blended family stabilizes, paren ng improves, rela onships with children improve, and child outcomes improve.[51] I’m convinced that healthy stepfamilies are a redemp ve work of God for both children and adults, but that’s a func on of years of dedica on, determina on, and smart stepfamily living, not just good da ng.

This chapter cannot present a comprehensive overview of smart stepfamilies (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family to get that), but I can share a few core concepts to get you started. Solidify Your Marriage: Parent as a United Front In the digital era, it’s rare to receive a snail mail le er. One day I opened my mail and received this hear elt pe on addressed to me but, I think, wri en to you. Dear Ron, I don’t know why I’m wri ng this le er to you. Unfortunately, four and a half years into a second marriage, I realize that I’ve always been in the #2 posi on behind my stepsons in my wife’s heart. I’ve heard and read how serious this is but did not fully understand un l experience caught up with me. Now, with my stepsons determining how my wife interacts with them and with me (and my children alienated from me), I now see what a grave mistake I made. Please con nue to tell spouses that God designed marriage for them to be #1 in each other’s hearts, and that straying from this design will never, ever work. Of course, I’m not referring to a spouse who is abusive or following one who is contrary to Christ. I’m referring to the majority of spouses in stepfamilies who are doing their best but find themselves in second place, with their spouse deferring to and trus ng the children rather than them. I’m three to six months away from divorce at this point. . . . I have always been #2 and a er years of spiritual work and determined effort I’ve not been able to move to #1. Respec ully, Joe Unfortunately, Joe encountered the Achilles’ heel of blended family integra on—a biological parent who is unwilling to boldly move their spouse into a place of prominence in their heart and family. You simply will not bond or grow together in love if this dynamic is true in your marriage. Joe referred to being #1 or #2. Talking about rank some mes frightens biological parents because they think this means abandoning or neglec ng their children. It unequivocally does not! This isn’t about leaving anyone behind, but it is about priori zing the marriage as a lifelong commitment and posi oning the marriage as the paren ng team and focal point for leadership in the home. Couples in first marriages raising their biological children do this, as well. Yes, they devote a great deal of me and energy to raising and nurturing their children, but the kids also know that Mom and Dad don’t hide things from each other, are deeply loyal to each other, and are a united team in leading the home. This understanding empowers the couple and provides stable leadership within the home. Of course, in a biological family kids are as equally invested in their parents’ marriage as the couple is; that is, they want Mom and Dad to be loving and commi ed to each other. In a newly formed blended family, however, some children are

threatened by the marriage and feel pushed aside by it. That means the first me Mom says, “I know I used to give you quick answers, but now I need to ask my husband what he thinks before making a decision,” they may challenge Mom’s effort to posi on the stepfather as a co-leader. And the first me she takes her husband’s side on an issue, they may hit the roof.

What Kids Are Feeling One reason kids some mes react strongly to changes within the family is the feeling that they are being forgo en or pushed aside. Of course, they are not being neglected, but a er experiencing much loss in their lives, it can feel that way to kids. Have compassion for how difficult this is for them, but gently persist in uni ng as a paren ng team. But she must do just that. If she does not, she tears the family’s Achilles’ heel. However, if she does express and live out her commitment to her husband, she posi ons him and herself to parent from within the marriage. They must be a unified team or everything begins to crumble. Because paren ng in stepfamilies is extremely different than in biological families, I have wri en two books on the subject (The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad ). Let me summarize the process this way: A achment—the emo onal and psychological bond that affords a parent the right to lead—is automa c for the biological parent but must be developed over me with the stepparent. Un l that bond exists, stepparen ng is a very tenuous experience with fragile boundaries, ghtrope circumstances, and explosive scenarios. The biological parent must keep the role of disciplinarian in the life of the child (hopefully they played this role during the single- parent years) while the stepparent slowly joins the paren ng process and earns the right to lead. On occasion, young children will bond quickly and fast-forward through the typical two to three years that stepparents need to accomplish this, but with most children, pa ence is cri cal. Not expec ng instant love and being pa ent with affec on in the stepparent-stepchild rela onship is also important to the stepparent’s evolving role. Anything that demands a place in the child’s heart rather than le ng it happen on its own usually backfires on everybody. That’s why you cook a stepfamily in a Crockpot, not a blender. Cooking With a Crockpot Just because you’re engaged (or newly married) doesn’t mean you can accelerate your rocket to Passion Planet at light speed with the expecta on that your children will also accelerate theirs (see chapter 5). That would be trying to combine your stepfamily in a blender—quickly and with high velocity. It is far wiser to adopt a Crockpot cooking style—slowly with low heat. In The Smart Stepfamily I wrote, “Stepfamilies need me to adjust to new living condi ons, new paren ng styles, rules, and responsibili es. They need me to experience one another and develop trust, commitment, and a shared history. They need me to find a sense of belonging

and an iden ty as a family unit. None of these things can be rushed. People who are trying to prove to their parents, friends, church, minister, or themselves that their remarriage decision was right for everyone, need their family to ‘blend’ quickly. But they are o en greatly disappointed and feel like failures. A slow-cooking mentality . . . invites you to relax in the moment and enjoy the small steps your stepfamily is making toward integra on, rather than pressuring family members to move ahead.”[52] The great paradox of adop ng this approach to integra ng your family ingredients is that it helps everyone relax about being family. No heavy pressure (which just invites resistance from kids). No upside-down “you need to take care of me by loving the people I’ve inserted into your life” burdensome messages from adults. No “forget your past, end your loyal es, and get happy now” crazy talk. Just calm “we respect your confusion and accept you anyway” pa ence and mature leadership. This, over me, paradoxically fosters openness and connec on—just what you’re looking for. Here are some contrasts to help you adopt a Crockpot strategy to family integra on:

 A blender mentality assumes that because children are happy that you’re ge ng married, they won’t ever also feel confused and sad by it. A Crockpot mentality expects some “hi ng the brakes” reac ons from the children at some point (weddings commonly bring this on).

 A blender mentality forces children to call a stepfather “Daddy,” but a Crockpot mentality lets them decide on their own.

 A blender mentality expects everyone to be happy with the new family, but a Crockpot one finds calm when there’s tension, knowing that they’re not done “cooking” yet.

 A blender mentality expects that combining all holiday and other special-day tradi ons will make everyone pleased, but a Crockpot mentality says “try it and see,” knowing that it may take a few years to figure out what actually works.

 A blender mentality makes children take down pictures of loved ones, but a Crockpot one encourages honoring deceased family members and staying connected with extended family.

 A blender mentality assumes adult children will “be mature about this,” but a Crockpot one gives them space to be hurt.

 A blender mentality declares, “I do so much for them—I should get more respect than this,” but a Crockpot one says, “I give freely to my stepchildren and trust that with me they’ll show gra tude.”

 A blender mentality says, “My kids should not have to be disappointed, so my new spouse will just have to deal with my catering to their pain,” but a Crockpot mentality says, “I can be loving to my kids and s ll allow them disappointment—besides, catering just keeps them stuck in their pain and doesn’t invite them to grow through it.”

Cooking Time Younger “ingredients”—under the age of five—may require far less me to so en toward stepparents than those between the ages of ten and fi een years. Also, on occasion a stubborn

ingredient may resist so ening and retain a sour taste. In either case, keep cooking and don’t unplug the Crockpot! If any of the above challenged your thinking or le a pit in your stomach, you’re catching on. Merging two families into one is not as simple as toas ng bread. It’s more like discovering by trial and error a recipe for a casserole of ingredients you’ve never combined before. Ge ng smart about the process will help a great deal, but even then there are some things you’ll just have to discover with God’s help all on your own. Trust him to show you how. CROCKPOT EXERCISES AND RECOMMENDATIONS To aid your healthy cooking process, I suggest you involve the ingredients of your future family in these exercises. As with the ongoing dialogue with your children about da ng, these ac vi es are meant to be assessment and interven on. They will give you informa on and insight into your children and family dynamics, and hopefully move you forward as you prepare to be a family. They are not listed in any par cular order; feel free to apply those that make most sense to your situa on and revisit the themes as needed. Younger children may not need all of these, but preteens, teenagers, and adult children will likely benefit from all of them. How Shall I Introduce You? Exercise Background: The terms we use to refer to one another indicate how we define a rela onship and the level of closeness we feel, and give respect to the role the rela onship plays in each person’s life. Children use labels to indicate the emo onal a achment they feel with someone. A stepparent who started off being referred to as “Sara, my dad’s wife” may become “Mom” in a few years, but not if the biological mother is within hearing distance. The stepmom who adapts to changing labels shows respect for a child’s close e with their mother and welcomes their own growing connec on with the stepchild. Purpose: To engage future family members in a proac ve discussion of their current and future rela onships. You hope to decide together what terms you will use, and in the process communicate respect for one another. Process: Both adults should arrange a me to sit down with the children. If you both have children, have two mee ngs to encourage openness. The biological parent should take the lead and say, “The reason we wanted to talk with you today is to discuss how we will introduce one another once we get married. I realize this can be complicated and a bit awkward at mes, so let’s figure it out together. Before we start, we [indicate you’re speaking for the couple] want you to know that we don’t expect you to use any par cular term when referring to us. You are free to use whatever label makes you comfortable as long as it also feels respec ul to us. Plus, we also know that you have a lot to worry about when choosing labels. Things like whose feelings might get hurt or what others will think. Feel free to be honest with us about this stuff.

Also, we know each of you may have different preferences—that’s okay. Just speak for yourself.” Then engage these ques ons:

 Once we are married, in public how would you like to be introduced by your stepparent? In general should they say, “This is my stepson/daughter,” or “my wife’s son/daughter” or something else? What feels okay and what’s weird about this?

 In private (in our home), what term would you like for them to use when talking to you or about you (e.g., “buddy” or “my son/daughter”)?

 [The stepparent can ask] In public, how would you like to introduce me? When talking about me, what term feels most fi ng?

 In private, what would you like to call me?  What would you like to call your stepsiblings? Stepgrandparents? Other family

members?  Now that we’ve decided this, when do you think these terms might be awkward (e.g., if

your other parent is present)? What term would you like to fall back on at that point?  We suspect that for all of us, these decisions will need to change at some point. Don’t

hesitate to let us know if you want to make a change, or just go ahead and change it and we can discuss it later.

Special Tips: The point of this exercise is to help family members not fret over what others think or how they interpret certain terms. Anything you can do to put them at ease is wonderful. Also, if a child uses a term of endearment sooner than you are prepared for, don’t ask them to stop unless you have a significant fear of them doing so, and then the biological parent should be the one to ask the child not to. If a child wants to call a stepmother Mom, let them. I know it’s respec ul toward the biological mother to reserve that term only for the mother, but the child can feel rejected by the refusal. Most kids are good at measuring their loyal es and comfort zones. Trust them to do so. For more on this ma er, read “The Name Game” at www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/name-game. What Will Change? Exercise Background: Because a parent’s marriage brings loss to a child, helping them an cipate and be prepared for those changes shi s what they can’t control toward what they can. By the way, before having these discussions with the children, you will need to discuss them as a couple and have in mind what you consider op mal before you talk to the children. Purpose: This exercise readies kids for coming adjustments, communicates that you are aware of how marriage complicates their lives, and reveals your considera on of the other household and their extended family rela onships. Process: The couple should arrange a me to sit with each set of children and explore how things will change a er the wedding. Be as prac cal as you can and explore as many topics relevant to their lives as you can. The examples below are just a brief list of possible topics.

Once you have this formal conversa on, you’ll be able to have addi onal spontaneous conversa ons as you think of more topic areas. Start by saying something like, “You know, we got to thinking about all the things that will change once we get married. Some of them are going to be welcome changes, others will be beyond your control. Let’s try to think of as many as we can and talk about them.”

 What’s one thing you are really looking forward to? I’ll go first . . .  What’s one thing you aren’t looking forward to? Again, I’ll go first . . .  Home: Discuss changes in bedrooms, bathroom use, kitchen use, TV/computer/media

me, etc.  Church: Will you stay at your current church or find a new one? How will you decide?  Rou nes: How will your morning rou ne change? Day me? Nigh me? Weekend?  Tradi ons/Holidays/Special Days: How will you celebrate birthdays and special days?

What tradi ons will you keep and which ones will have to be modified? How will holiday schedules/tradi ons change? (Don’t try to nego ate every tradi on, just discuss a few examples and note that you’ll have to figure out the specifics of each as they come up.)

 Expecta ons and Chores: If both of you have children, by now the kids have already sized up the differences. What general expecta ons/rules will be the same, which will change? What chores will children be responsible for? Explain what the kids should expect if they misbehave and who they will hear from.

 Boundaries: With stepsiblings in the house together, does there need to be a dress code? Under what condi ons can you enter someone’s bedroom? If you have a problem, who do you talk to?

 Money: How will allowance and discre onary money ma ers with the children change? Who pays what bills, and what responsibili es do the children have for lunches at school, jobs, etc.?

 Time Together/Ac vi es: More people in the family means less me with parents. An cipate for the kids what this might mean for them and reassure them of the things that you are commi ed to con nuing (e.g., a special nigh me ritual with a child). Acknowledge that it will be more difficult to keep certain rituals of connec on, and grieve this reality (e.g., going to lunch regularly with an adult child).

 School: Will they have to change schools? If so, where and when? What are the pros and cons of this?

 Social Life: Will they be able to see their friends as much? If so, how? What avenues do they have for staying in touch?

 Visita on and Extended Family Rela onships: It is vital that your marriage not interfere with the kids’ visita on schedule; they need con nued, predictable contact with the other household, and your blended family should not cost them that. Even while reassuring them of this, discuss what might change in terms of logis cs. (For example, “We will live closer to your dad’s house, so it will take less me to get there—that’s a good thing!”)

Special Tips: Reading through this list and considering the implica ons for your children ought to cause you to pause and reflect on all that will be required of them. Remember that change, especially if you didn’t ask for it, equals loss and powerlessness (for kids and adults alike). Don’t be surprised if this conversa on isn’t a li le depressing for them. Be prepared to be compassionate. Recognized Loss Exercise Background: As has been pointed out, remarriage is a gain for the adults and ini ally a loss for the children because it brings unwanted changes. But this isn’t the first loss for the children. This is loss added on top of an already exis ng loss story. Furthermore, loss reminds us of previous loss and erupts again the grief associated with it. For example, a parent’s remarriage can resurrect a child’s sadness over their parent’s death. Compassionately mee ng a child in the midst of their loss helps them journey through it. Purpose: Recognizing that becoming a family carries some loss is important to maintaining emo onal influence with the child. To be distant and removed from this part of the child’s life is to appear uncaring and disengaged. Rather, strive to show yourself a trustworthy asset to the child as they cope with what life con nues to throw at them. Process: Try to engage the child in a dialogue about loss. Lead with your own experience of grief and then acknowledge theirs.

 If you were widowed: “I got to thinking about something the other day. As excited as I am to marry Jane/John, it makes me miss your mother/father. I miss the way she/he would . . . Has my engagement made you miss them, too?”

 If you were divorced: “I know our divorce has put you through a lot and I grieve what cannot be for you. I was thinking, if I were you, I’d be a li le sad that . . . (e.g., you’re going to have to get used to a stepmom/dad/stepsiblings in the house). Or maybe you’re feeling hurt or angry that I’m ge ng married because . . . (e.g., this means your mother/father and I can’t get back together). Or maybe you are worried how this will impact your mom/dad. Is any of that on your mind?

 What’s hard for you to get used to as you think about our marriage and new family? Special Tips: Remember to emo onally coach your child through the loss conversa on and acknowledge their sadness, don’t dismiss it (see chapter 5). This isn’t about fixing the pain, it’s about joining them in it and hugging their hurt. Wedding Planning Ac vity Background: Weddings mark the start of a new journey for every member of the blended family. While the making of a covenant during the wedding is very significant for couples, it does not necessarily bind children to a stepparent. However, including them in the planning of the wedding and the wedding itself can have a bonding impact.

Purpose: Including children in wedding planning gives them an opportunity to voice their desired level of involvement. Including a family medallion ceremony within the wedding affirms biological children of their parent’s con nued commitment to them and serves as a bonding experience for the whole family. Process: Engage the children in planning the wedding as appropriate to their age. Listen to their ideas and respect their desired level of involvement. Also, consider presen ng a family medallion to the children during the wedding. Just as a wedding ring signifies covenant love between a couple, a family medallion communicates the intended desire of the parents to become family to and for one another. Special Tips:

 Learn more about the family wedding service and the use of a family medallion here: www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/family-medallion.

 Links to remarriage bridal showcases and blended family wedding planners can be found here: www.smartstepfamilies.com/links.php.

 A recommended resource for an cipa ng and planning the complexi es of a blended family wedding is Weddings, A Family Affair: The New E que e for Second Marriages and Couples with Divorced Parents, Second Edi on by Marjorie Engel (Carpentaria, CA: Wilshire Publica ons, 1998).

Pre-Stepfamily Counseling Background: While the average cost of a wedding is $27,500, less than a third of first-marriage couples seek premarital prepara on, and less than 25 percent of pre-stepfamily couples do. That is stunning to me, especially when you take into account that premarital counseling works. Premarital prepara on can reduce the risk of divorce by 30 percent,[53] and a meta-analysis of eleven experimental studies found significant differences favoring couples who received premarital educa on, with a 79 percent improvement in all marital outcomes compared to couples who did not receive premarital educa on.[54] Reading this book is a solid start, but it’s nothing like ge ng you and the kids in counseling. That’s right—I said the kids should be part of the process, too. Purpose: The personal a en on a counselor can give you and the children is invaluable. The objec ve feedback and insight will serve you well as you step into the future and give children a neutral place to talk through their concerns or fears. Process: Find a qualified pastor or stepfamily therapist who has had training in understanding blended families (for ps, see this ar cle:www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/findtherapist). Likely you will experience a combina on of individual, couple, and en re family sessions that can iden fy potholes and remove stumbling blocks.

Special Tips: Unfortunately, finding a pastor or counselor with blended family training is difficult. If you can’t find someone with training and experience, share Smart Stepfamily resources with a premarital counselor and invite them to do some extra homework for you. Start by giving them this web link: www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/counselor. Get Connected: A end a Local Blended Family Small Group or Class Background: Being connected with a fellowship of faith is vital to our spiritual growth. Being connected to a class or small group of stepfamily couples is also vital to your family’s growth. Purpose: A ending as a premarital couple will not only get you connected, but help you find insight and support from others a li le further down the road than you. Process: Get involved with the blended family ministry at your church. If they don’t currently have one, ask them if you can start one; I have wri en guidelines and resources to help you get started (smartstepfamilies.com/view/educate). If necessary, a end the blended family ministry of another church in your area. A er ge ng to know the couples in the group, ask one of the couples to be your mentors. Specifically, ask them if they will meet with you monthly un l your wedding and then for the first two years of your marriage. Explain that you don’t expect them to have all the answers; they would just act as a sounding board for you. Keep Reading As a Couple This chapter is far from comprehensive in addressing the total integra on of your stepfamily— there’s a whole series of books for that. To really get prepared, before and a er the wedding, may I suggest you pick up a copy of my other books The Smart Stepfamily, The Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom (coauthored by Laura Petherbridge), and The Remarriage Checkup (coauthored by David H. Olson). Each will make a unique contribu on to your family prepara on. A FINAL ENCOURAGEMENT You’re about to marry the wrong person. That doesn’t sound very encouraging, does it? Well, it really is. What it means is this: If you were perfect, you could pick and marry the right person. But since you’re not, you’ll pick the wrong person—who, of course, in God’s economy is the right person. That is, the right person to help God reveal what you didn’t know about your selfishness or frail es or limita ons and to grow you beyond them. Furthermore, God will use the journey of marriage and becoming a blended family to sharpen you, refine you, and teach you how to love with humility, sacrifice, and surrender, just as Christ has loved you. That is, God will do all these things if you will let him. I suggest you do.

——— A toast to your new family: May God’s richest blessings be upon you, and may grace rule in your home. Discussion Ques ons

1. Learning that the average stepfamily needs five to seven years to se le into their new family iden ty and roles can be both encouraging and discouraging. What is your reac on?

2. Becoming family is in part about psychologically redefining your exis ng family to include new members. How might that be stressful for children in your situa on? For adults?

3. Why do you think it’s temp ng for couples headed into marriage to relax their ini a ve, that is, stop working on “becoming family”?

4. React to this statement: The Achilles’ heel of blended family integra on is a biological parent who is unwilling to boldly move their spouse into a place of prominence in their heart and family.

5. Why do you think posi oning the stepparent as part of the paren ng team is the biological parent’s responsibility?

6. React to and discuss this statement: A achment, the emo onal and psychological bond that affords a parent the right to lead, is automa c for the biological parent but must be developed over me with the stepparent. Un l that bond exists, stepparen ng is a very tenuous experience with fragile boundaries, ghtrope circumstances, and explosive scenarios. The biological parent must keep the role of disciplinarian in the life of the child while the stepparent slowly joins the paren ng process and earns the right to lead.

7. Review the contras ng statements between a blender mentality and a Crockpot mentality in chapter 10. Discuss each one individually, but also discuss what the cumula ve “blender” or “Crockpot” impact would be on the family as a whole.

8. Review each of the Crockpot Exercises and Recommenda ons in chapter 10. Discuss which ones you will implement and why.

 How Shall I Introduce You?  What Will Change?  Recognized Loss  Wedding Planning Ac vity  Pre-Stepfamily Counseling  Get Connected: A end a Local Blended Family Group or Class  Keep Reading

9. Looking back over the en re book, what concept stands out as most helpful to you in your circumstances? What have you remembered most?

 How Shall I Introduce You?  What Will Change?  Recognized Loss  Wedding Planning Ac vity  Pre-Stepfamily Counseling  Get Connected: A end a Local Blended Family Group or Class  Keep Reading  Looking back over the en re book, what concept stands out as most

helpful to you in your circumstances? What have you remembered most?