3- Family of Origin, Multiculturalism, and Marital Myths

Deal, R. (2012). Da ng and the Single Parent. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker.

Chapter 1

Da ng in a Crowd: Da ng With Purpose

Our whole family is da ng this guy. Rachel, 22 years old Some mes kids say it best. When asked what she wishes her mom would do differently while da ng, Rachel—a smart young graduate student—replied, “I wish she would recognize her own impulsivity and emo onal roller coaster. She does and says things without recognizing that to some extent our whole family is da ng this guy. This year I came home four mes from college and he was in town every single me. A er I went back to campus each me, Mom said, ‘I never get to see you!’ Yes, well, that’s because you were with your boy. I just wish they would hurry up and get married so they would be a bit less interes ng to one another.” Da ng in a crowd is tough. The kids are engaged, at least on some level, even when you don’t think they are. Choosing to be with one party generally means the other party is le wai ng. And everyone has strong emo ons and opinions about who is involved and what the outcome is—in other words, the whole family is da ng. Table for twenty! For the two people directly involved, da ng is hard enough; add the kids, ex-spouses, extended family, and friends, and you be er have a plan and purpose in your da ng or you’ll likely waste a lot of me and wander from romance to romance with a lot of heartbreak along the way. The most consistent mistakes I see in people who have repeated failed da ng (and later, marriage) rela onships are these: they don’t have a purpose in da ng; they lack an inten onal process to their da ng; they don’t have an apprecia on for the complexity of da ng in a crowd; they don’t take their children’s needs and feelings into considera on enough; and they don’t realize that the growing connec ons between children and future stepparents or stepsiblings established during da ng may shi toward distance and conflict a er the wedding (it’s this last truth that really catches people by surprise—I’ll say more about this later). As we begin our journey together, I’d like to recommend a purpose for your da ng and present an overall process to da ng that will help you know when you’re on target for a good start. Many of the specifics of this process will be discussed in more depth throughout the remainder of the book, but I do want you to get a sense of what to expect, from pre-da ng prepara on, to making a decision for marriage, to an cipa ng the hot/cold responses of children.

PURPOSE IN DATING Does your da ng have purpose? What do you mean, Ron? Isn’t the purpose of da ng to find the right person—my soul mate? No, it isn’t. Let me explain.

I always ques on when I hear someone say they are looking for their soul mate, because for most people, finding someone has nothing to do with their soul or eternity. A 2001 study of da ng a tudes of twenty-year-olds found that an overwhelming majority (94 percent) of never- married singles agree that “when you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” But only 42 percent believe “it is important to find a spouse who shares your religion.”[5] Are you kidding me? How can they remotely qualify as a soul mate and not share your core beliefs and guiding spiritual convic ons? (I guess to them, a soul mate has li le to do with spirituality.) Remember, single parents, this person is going to have an eternal influence on your kids. Isn’t finding someone with your same spiritual beliefs of the utmost importance? No, apparently what the average person looking for a soul mate is really saying is, “I’m looking for the person who is easy for me to love; someone who will fulfill my needs and who knows just how to love me.” Sounds pre y selfish, doesn’t it? Soul-mate shopping is nothing more than consumerism applied to da ng. The mentality is to date as many people as you can—or as one writer said it, test drive people to see which you like best—and stop when you find the one that meets your expecta ons and needs.[6] The problem with this a tude is fourfold. First, it assumes the test driver contributes nothing to the quality of the developing rela onship, which, of course, you do. Second, the consumer’s criteria for their purchase is completely selfish. Even if you find someone who seems to make you happy, they won’t be able to sustain it forever. This usually isn’t obvious un l marriage, which is when most people begin to think, Maybe you weren’t my soul mate a er all—I must have made a mistake. Third, it mistakenly places too much emphasis on your happiness as a couple and not enough on the role the stepparent will have as a parent. And fourth, the consumer a tude toward da ng assumes that God has purposed marriage to make us happy. He has, but not in the way most expect. A Match Made in Heaven: God’s Purpose in Rela onships, Marriage, and Family Our God loves us beyond anything we can imagine, and he will go to great lengths to pursue us and foster a deep rela onship with us. He will even go to a cross to rescue us from the slavery of our sin. But God doesn’t stop his pursuit of us a er our ini al rescue. Through discipling us to be more like Jesus, he deepens our walk with him. I believe that family life is God’s best tool for discipling us. From the cradle to the grave, he is growing us up in maturity, faith, and knowledge—and he is using rela onships to train us. When we’re children, God uses our family to teach us important lessons about obedience, submission, and respect for authority. Learning these lessons makes it more likely that we’ll gain respect for God’s authority. In paren ng, God teaches us about nurture, providing for those you love, and how far you will go to rescue one of your own. We also learn about free will (he lets us create life and struggle with the reality of not being able to control it!) and humility (praying for your kids will drive you to your knees!). In friendships, God teaches us about loyalty and living in community. In being single, God teaches us about trus ng him with our aloneness and not

turning marriage into an idol. God uses marriage to teach us about commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness, and selfless love. In the physical, emo onal, and spiritual depth of sex, God teaches us about surrender, vulnerability, and oneness. In crisis, God reminds us of kingdom priori es and the limits of materialism, and he recalibrates our faith and trust toward him. And in facing death, God invites us to live in light of what is eternal. In all of these life experiences and rela onships, God invites us to walk with him: “to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8). In all of this, God is purposing to make us holy and healthy and eternally happy. He knows what is best for us, and each rela onship and season of family life invites us to trust him and know him more deeply. And therein lies the rub. Making us eternally happy usually doesn’t sa sfy our selfishness today; instead, it requires us to grow up a lot emo onally—which is painful. Ask yourself if you are open to what God is teaching you about him in your singleness. Are you pursuing him as much as he is pursuing you? Is your singleness helping you to see him more clearly and trust him more deeply, or are you instead telling him what he should be doing for you? Are you open to maturing in this season of life, or do you assume that you need marriage to be fulfilled? Knowing Yourself Take me to reflect on the ques ons in this sec on. Knowing what mo vates you in da ng is very important. And what about da ng? When you meet someone, is whether they make you happy or holy the standard by which you choose to engage them? Do you lose sight of the Lord when you fix your sights on a man or woman, or can you keep your eye on your eternal love while exploring an earthly love? In what way is your purpose in da ng blocking God’s purpose for you in da ng? With God’s goals in mind, I suggest that the purpose of da ng for single parents is threefold: to discern if together you and this other person can walk humbly with God with a common heart, faith, value system, and approach to life; to discern if you can love the person sacrificially without reserva on,[7] and trust that they will do the same for you; to discern if the children involved in your union would be graced by your common commitment to the Lord and combined families. If your purposes for da ng don’t pass this smell test, slow down or stop altogether. You may be naturally a racted to someone and enjoy me together, but if a er a brief da ng period you are just wandering aimlessly, it’s probably me to stop playing around. If da ng reveals at any point that your life trajectories (faith walk, paren ng, family situa ons, values, etc.) are divergent, back away. This is not a game. Is it okay to date on occasion purely for recrea onal purposes? Yes, as long as you don’t let children get emo onally wrapped up in the da ng partner (more about this in a later chapter) and the other person is aware of your inten ons and the limits of the rela onship. But da ng is not a goal in and of itself. Instead, think of da ng

as the process you go through to become married. That helps to keep the ul mate purpose in mind. THE PROCESS OF DATING Having a spiritually determined purpose in da ng will help to set your a tude in the right direc on. It also helps to have a sense of the process or stages of da ng. Thinking through the overall process helps you to know where you are in the journey and what tasks lie ahead. It also helps you gauge the depth of a developing rela onship and whether it will hold water. In general, single parent da ng will move through the following stages: It starts, if you are the single parent, by preparing yourself and the kids for da ng; if you are single without children, it starts by assessing your openness to da ng someone with kids and welcoming them into your life. From there, the stages consist of forming an ini al couple rela onship; ini al da ng partner and child rela onships; serious da ng and deepening couple and da ng partner-child bonds; making decisions about marriage; and preparing for a wedding and blended family living. Da ng Process FAQs From a stage perspec ve, the da ng process is straigh orward and clear. But ques ons about managing the process abound. The following are some frequently asked ques ons with answers that give perspec ve to the journey.

When the Kid Is an Adult Empty-nest couples are o en very surprised to learn that later-life blended families with adult stepchildren have just as many adjustment issues as do families with children s ll at home. The specific issues vary, but don’t naïvely assume everyone will be open to a new love in your life. But before diving into the FAQs, let me speak about a perspec ve to avoid. Society has created many unspoken benchmarks for da ng couples. They are meant to help individuals gauge the da ng process, but most of them are ambiguous, simplis c, and shallow. Don’t let these ques ons guide your thinking about your da ng rela onship: Is this person good-looking and do I get points just for standing beside them? Are they wealthy or do they at least have the poten al to become wealthy? Do they hang out with the right people? Are they sexually experienced (because I don’t want to be with a novice)? Have we had sex yet and how good of a lover are they? Why don’t we stay over at one another’s place on occasion to test the waters a li le? Are we ready to live together? These are the clear standards by which Cosmo, Facebook, and Hollywood judge da ng rela onships, but let me be clear: They are pathe c pathways to commitment, horrible benchmarks to gauge rela onal quality and stability, and o en lead to rela onal self-sabotage. Don’t adopt them or be taken in by their salacious promises.

Now, back to the FAQs and their answers, which are rooted in wisdom and will help you manage each stage of da ng. Hold them close and remember that when kids predate a new couple, marriage is a package deal. If you can’t marry the package, or aren’t ready to embrace all that comes with the package, don’t marry the person. Q: If We’re in Love, Why Should We Wait to Get Married? A: Don’t rush da ng and don’t rush a decision to marry. Time is your friend. Slow the pace of your da ng and fill it with purposeful conversa on so you can explore how well your life trajectories might merge. Avoid being driven by surface-level infatua on, and instead look deep into the mirror to examine the person you are and the person they are. Timing Issues In general, men are open to da ng more quickly a er a death or divorce than are women, and both are ready to date before their kids want them to. Time will help you to see whether you and the other person are a fit not just on the surface, but to the core. Time will make known transparency or hiding, authen city or façade, integrity or falsehood. Time will reveal what you don’t like about each other and whether you can problem- solve through it (couples who break up even once during da ng are four mes more likely to have rela onship difficul es than couples who don’t[8]). And me will reveal whether your extended families can merge or if cohesiveness is unlikely; if both of you are parents, whether your paren ng styles can complement or compete; and whether each parent is strong enough to lead their children through the transi on to a new family. Don’t rush past the children and their need for reliable, consistent nurturing from you. And let the pace of your coupleness be influenced by—not controlled by—the leanings, longings, anxie es, and openness of the children. Don’t dismiss me; she is trying to help you. Listen to her. Q: How Do I Proceed Without Feeling Overwhelmed? A: If you are feeling overwhelmed at this point, you may be trying to comprehend and master every stage even before you get there. Instead of trying to get your hands around all of them at once, try to focus on the stage you are in and trust God to help you manage it well. Only then do you have to deal with the next stage—and God will be there, too. It’s a li le like trus ng God with life. Do you know how God gives direc ons? If you were to ask me how to get from my house to the local Walmart, I would give you step-by-step instruc ons. For example, I might say drive southwest in front of my house on London Court toward Liberty. Turn le at the stop sign. Then, curve through our neighborhood un l you come to Con nental Parkway; turn le . Con nue

east two-tenths of a mile ll turning le onto Coulter Road. Walmart will be half a mile on your le . But that’s not how God gives direc ons. In his book Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby says that God doesn’t give us direc ons that way; he only gives us the next set of instruc ons and then waits for us to obey. He might, for example, say, “Drive southwest on London Court,” and then stop talking. We, of course, then anxiously ask, “And then what, God?” He responds, “Don’t worry about that, just drive that direc on on London Court.” “Yeah, but God, I need to know what follows that so I can get prepared.” “I’m not interested in you bring prepared.” He smiles. “I’m interested in you trus ng me to know the way; I’ll give you more when it’s best.” I don’t know about you, but God’s direc on-giving style really frustrates me! My need to know—and be in control—is too high for this to be comfortable. But that’s exactly why God does it that way; he wants to deepen my trust, not my knowing. To keep from being overwhelmed by the da ng stages, give yourself permission to not know how to master the next step. Trust God to lead you through when you get there. In the mean me, trust him with the stage you’re in now. Q: Given the Magnitude of This Process, Should I Do Myself and My Kids a Favor and Wait Till the Kids Are Gone Before Da ng? A: I don’t know how old your kids are, but honestly, it’s worth considering. Essen ally, what da ng and marriage creates is a compe on of emo onal a achment and priori es between you, your children, and your partner/spouse. When it’s just you and the kids, the a achments are clear and your priority is paren ng. When you begin to date, you gradually shi your me, a en on, and priority to the new love; at marrige you make the ul mate shi to “forsake all others ll death do you part.” Of course, this doesn’t mean you abandon or neglect your children a er marriage, but it does mean that your decisions are more firmly rooted in your companion than in your children. No wonder kids feel le out and in compe on with their parent’s new love. This also helps us understand why many children who at one point were in favor of their parent da ng, and might have even encouraged them to marry, later begin protes ng a parent’s marriage. Whether you have kids or not, please know that da ng and marriage when kids are present is a gain for you but ini ally a loss for the kids (un l family bonding takes place—which can take years—and then becomes a gain for the kids, too). There’s no way around this truth. Single parents ask me all the me, “Can I find a new love and not make my kids feel displaced?” I respond, “Unless your children are very small and your ex-spouse is coopera ve and open to you remarrying, probably not.” Melanie wrote to me, “I seriously dated a man for a while, and my children did not like him or his children at all. While I didn’t allow my children to break up the rela onship, I did spend much me asking them specifically what their concerns were and addressed them. I feel it’s cri cal to pay a en on to a child’s response.” Jackie said, “If the child has outbursts because of

a new partner, it should be talked through to find out if it’s just jealousy or something worse. A parent may have to take a step back from da ng and let their child know that they are not being replaced.” Melanie is applying a great deal of wisdom. A child’s jealousy is the result of the trauma c losses they have already experienced (e.g., death of a parent or divorce, and all the changes since). They don’t want any more loss—and when you shi your energy toward someone else, it is another loss. This is less of a concern for very young children (preschool age) because they aren’t as aware of life before and a er the new stepparent. They are also more open to new people in their lives. Children between the ages of ten and fi een seem, on the other hand, to have the most difficulty making space for a stepparent, stepsiblings, and all the transi on that comes with them.[9] Wai ng to date ll the children are grown and on their own avoids the compe on of a achment at a developmentally significant me of the children’s lives—and it’s worth considering. It allows you to focus on raising your children and preparing them for adulthood; it allows them to deal with what is already on their plate without more emo onally draining transi ons being added on. I Chose to Wait “I chose to wait it out. I had two very angry children who were ac ng out a er the divorce. People told me for years I was was ng my life—that if I brought a man into their lives, it would help them not act out so much. I turned fi y this year. I raised them for fourteen years on my own. They are adults now; the youngest of my four is twenty. Now I can think about da ng. I am trus ng God to bring a man into my life if that is his will.” Now, I realize that remaining single in order to focus on raising your children is a challenging thought, and not many will be drawn to it. I’m just sugges ng it’s worth prayerful considera on. Marriage is a blessing to the part of your heart that longs for partnership. However, remaining single is a blessing to the parental part of your heart and carries a blessing for your children, as well. One more thought before leaving this subject. If you wait ll the kids are launched from your home, please do not assume that an empty-nest blended family will be adjustment free. Every stepfamily, no ma er what the age of the children, has significant transi ons to manage. For example, stepparents of adult stepchildren don’t struggle because they’re trying to figure out how to discipline the children; they struggle because they s ll feel like outsiders to the family’s history, tradi ons, and rituals. And the stepchildren, even as adults, worry about how incorpora ng the new stepparent into their lives will impact their rela onship with the other biological parent, etc. (To learn more, read The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad, in which I address adult stepfamilies and their adjustment issues.) The upside, though, is that these transi ons don’t occur during the important developmental years of a child’s life and are, therefore, less nega vely impac ul. Because the transi on to becoming a new family occurs when everyone is more mature, stepfamily adjustment does seem to be easier for most families. That adds one more reason to consider wai ng ll the kids are gone.

Take the Couple Checkup

The Couple Checkup is an online assessment of twenty rela onship areas significant for da ng, engaged, and married couples. Based on over thirty years of research, the Checkup is a highly respected rela onship tool used by marriage experts around the world. To obtain a Voucher Code for your free Individual Profile, call the PREPARE/ENRICH office (CST 8:00 to 4:30) at 800- 331-1661. Then go to: www.smartstepfamilies.com and take the survey. This code also provides a 50 percent discount if you upgrade to the full couple report (available a er you have completed your free Individual Profile). Q: Does It Ma er How Long You Date Before Marriage? A: No, and yes. Just as I used to tell people not to date for two years a er their divorce or death of their spouse, I used to tell couples they should date for at least two years before deciding to marry. That was before Dr. David Olson and I conducted the largest study of single parents ge ng ready to marry their partners. We studied the profiles of over 50,000 couples and published our prac cal findings in the book The Remarriage Checkup. By the way, you can take the Couple Checkup, a similar profile to the one we used in our research, and assess your rela onship. It’s a great way to get an objec ve perspec ve on the health of your rela onship, which helps you make more informed decisions about the future. In our study, we discovered what predicts great remarriage rela onships (defined as a marriage in which either spouse or both have been previously married) and we learned that the length of

me a couple dates does not predict couple rela onship quality. That is, couples who dated a few months were just as likely to have a high- or low-quality rela onship as couples who dated a few years. In other words, it’s possible to have a high-quality da ng rela onship in just a few months. But that doesn’t mean it’s wise to rapidly get married. As I have already stated, when children are involved, a marriage between the two of you is not just between the two of you. How long you date ma ers significantly to kids and greatly impacts your future blended family. Let me remind you of the central point of this book: Coupleness does not equal familyness. You might have a quality couple rela onship within six months, but that doesn’t mean your family will do well or that your marriage can’t be pulled apart by conflicts over the children, ex-spouses, or an ex-mother-in-law. Learning to steer and balance a tandem (two-person) bicycle is tough, but it’s not as challenging as bringing the Queen Mary into port. They are two different processes.

If You Don’t Have Kids If you don’t have children, it can be difficult to give appropriate considera on to the openness and readiness of the children of the person you’re da ng. It may feel like the children are holding your rela onship hostage. Instead, put on compassion for what your presence is requiring of them, and be pa ent with their ming.

In the next chapter I’ll explain in more detail what this family dynamic is all about, but for now hear this: Even if you are ready to get engaged or marry, it may not be wise to do so un l the family is ready. Someone who asks “How long should we date?” is usually already thinking about marriage, and they are hoping they can get permission to jump in. That’s why you have to remember that me is your friend—not only for your rela onship, but for the needs of the kids. Children need much more me than couples, and you only shoot yourself in the foot if you ignore their ming. Ron, are you saying that kids get to determine when the couple marries? Not at all. But it’s wise to be influenced by their degree of openness; only a fool will ignore how significant their feelings really are to becoming a blended family.

When a Parent Is Deceased Quick da ng (less than one year) and a quick remarriage (less than two years a er death) can be perceived by children as a low-value statement regarding the parent who has died. This feels offensive and casts a nega ve shadow on the new rela onship. For example, teenage and adult children o en scowl at a parent’s marriage when it follows a short courtship. One man, even fi een years into his remarriage, found himself repeatedly trying to convince his two adult daughters that he really loved his new wife. Less than one year a er his first wife died of cancer, the couple had met and married within six weeks. His daughters decided as soon as the wedding was announced that there was no way their father loved this woman. “How could he?” they insisted. “Mom has only been gone a li le while and he doesn’t even know this new person. He’s deceived.” From that me forward, they closed themselves and would not accept the marriage or their stepmother. Time ma ers. Q: If We Decide to Marry, Will Faithfully Following These Stages Guarantee Us a Successful Blended Family? A: Of course not. There are no guarantees in life. None of us can an cipate what life will bring our way or what will be required of us when we get there. That’s why we need commitment. Discerning your fit for partnership and becoming a family is the task of da ng. Commitment in marriage is what helps you live out this discerning belief and turn it into reality. People o en think if they didn’t choose well, they can’t be happily married. I’m not so sure. Don’t get me wrong—choosing well ma ers, but so does the commitment made by each person once they decide to marry. How else do the arranged marriages of many cultures around the world last? Commitment glues the couple together and gives God a chance to really go to work on their selfishness, mistaken expecta ons, pride, and immature views of in macy.

Da ng Too Long Couples who date five years or longer are significantly more likely to have lower-quality rela onships. We theorize that couples who can’t pull the trigger on marriage a er five years of

da ng have some barriers they cannot overcome, including significant levels of fear (see chapter 4). They get stuck and just can’t move forward (and probably shouldn’t). Here’s God’s master plan for us: He asks us to vow to love, honor, and cherish, and then he uses life to teach us what we commi ed ourselves to. And that’s when God grows us up—as we learn how to live out our vows. Commitment is important because it gives us the chance to make mistakes while learning what God wants us to learn. Said another way, commitment is important because of what we do a er we make the commitment; the power is not so much in making the decision, but in the ac ons we take to uphold the decision and the lessons learned along the way. No one, no ma er how well they dated, knows what marriage will require of them. In 1986 when I married Nan, I had no earthly idea what parts of me would have to change in order to love her and live with her—and neither did she. God is con nually growing us up, teaching us how to love one another, and molding us into the image of Christ so we can in turn deepen our love for one another. It’s a marvelous, wondrous—and painful—process! And only those who are willing to die to self and submit themselves to the discipling process of marriage receive its rewards. By the way, this is why cohabita on doesn’t work. I’ll say much more about this in chapter 7, but it’s important to say now that cohabita on is not commitment, neither does it tell you whether your rela onship would work if you made a commitment. I once coached a single parent who had been da ng a man for three years. He was ready to get married, but she just couldn’t pull the trigger. When I asked if she wanted a guarantee that the marriage would last before becoming engaged, she said, “Absolutely. That’s why we’re living together instead; I want to know if this will work.” With much compassion for her fear I replied, “But cohabita on isn’t marriage—and un l you make a full commitment to each other, you’ll never know what you’d be willing to do for one another. Right now you’re just dipping your toe in the deep end of the pool; you can feel the temperature, but you’ll never know if you can swim un l you throw your whole self in.” There are no guarantees in life or rela onships—there is always risk. Either choose risk or don’t; when the me comes, choose commitment or don’t. But don’t sit on the side of the pool with one foot in the water telling everyone you’re swimming. FINAL THOUGHTS Consumer daters want guarantees. “I won’t purchase this marriage un l I know my partner will love me as only my true soul mate can and is everything I want them to be—and will last 100,000 miles or fi y years, whichever comes first.” How absurd. Instead of being a consumer who selfishly purposes in da ng to find the one person you believe will serve your needs, purpose instead:

 to make sure you are being the right person for God; and  to follow Christ, and while you do, look around for another Christ-follower who shares

your heart, interests, life objec ves, background, paren ng style, and vision for family. Once you find them, walk in faith together.

Discussion Ques ons

1. People with repeated failed rela onships o en make the following mistakes. Which are you or the person you are da ng guilty of?

 They don’t have a purpose in da ng.  They lack an inten onal process to their da ng.  They don’t have an apprecia on for the complexity of da ng in a crowd.  They don’t take the children’s needs and feelings into considera on

enough.  They don’t realize that the growing connec ons between the children and

future stepparents or stepsiblings established during da ng may shi toward distance and conflict a er the wedding.

2. What does a consumer a tude in da ng look like? What should you look for to iden fy that a tude in yourself or someone else?

3. God is always using the circumstances of our lives to grow us up. Digest these ques ons:  Are you open to what God is teaching you about him in your singleness?  Are you pursuing him as much as he is pursuing you?  Is your singleness helping you to see him more clearly and trust him more

deeply, or are you instead telling him what he should be doing for you?  Are you open to maturing in this season of life, or do you assume that you

need marriage to be fulfilled? 4. I proposed three purposes for da ng in this chapter. Discuss each and what it would look

like to live out each in a da ng rela onship.  Discern if, together, you and this other person can walk humbly with God

with a common heart, faith, value system, and approach to life.  Discern if you can love the person sacrificially without reserva on, and

trust that they will do the same for you.  Discern if the children involved in your union would be graced by your

common commitment to the Lord and combined families. 5. If you are da ng a single parent, how would you know if they were not giving enough

considera on to the needs of their children as it relates to da ng you? 6. Society has many ambiguous, simplis c, and shallow benchmarks for gauging the status

of da ng rela onships. How have these or others influenced your da ng in the past: Is this person good-looking and do I get points just for standing beside them? Are they wealthy or do they at least have the poten al to become wealthy? Do they hang out with the right people? Are they sexually experienced (because I don’t want to be with a novice)? Have we had sex yet and how good of a lover are they? Why don’t we stay over at one another’s place on occasion to test the waters a li le? Am I ready to move in with them, and what happens when we live together?

7. Review the Da ng Process FAQs beginning on page 34. Discuss the implica ons for you and the kids.

Chapter 2

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Am I Ready to Date?

Before Mom met Larry, she cried a lot. She was worried that all of us kids would go off and live our own lives and she’d be all alone. (Corey’s mom, a well-educated professional, met and married a man in six weeks’ me. They were divorced one and a half years later.) Corey, age 17 Are you ready to love again? Are you ready to risk again? And if you think you are, how would you recognize being vulnerable, like Corey’s mom, to an unhealthy rela onship? When love requires a lot, most of us rethink—at least on some level—our willingness to give. When love requires some, a few will bow out, but most stay in the game. When love requires very li le, nearly everyone thinks they are ready for it. For years I’ve jokingly referred to da ng as “The Big Lie.” Each person puts their best foot forward in an a empt to be liked by the other. He will open the car door for her every me they go out; she will take the me to watch his favorite spor ng event (even though she’d rather do anything other than that). He will plan crea ve dates and offer small gestures to show her he cares; she will overlook his annoying personal habits and make excuses for his decision to wear certain out-of-fashion clothes. He will unfriend old girlfriends from his Facebook page, and the only pictures she will post of herself are ones taken before she gained a few pounds. The Big Lie—it is the nature of the da ng game. Please understand, it’s not that these people are really trying to deceive each other. They just want the other person to like them, so they present themselves in the best manner possible. For a few months at least, this best-foot-forward approach creates a near fantasy da ng experience that doesn’t require a great deal of sacrifice from da ng partners. Because everyone is on their best behavior, love is natural, invigora ng, energizing, and hope producing. It is easy and requires li le in the way of emo onal trust, vulnerability, or an intermingling of one another’s lives (things like children and paren ng, extended family, tradi ons, values, and lifestyle choices). Who would think they weren’t ready for that? Here’s the point: Most people during the pre-da ng and early da ng stages are focused on finding the right person and then impressing the socks off them, when what they ought to focus on is being the right person. Da ng starts not by looking outward, but by looking in.

This and the next chapter will help you to do just that—look carefully into the mirror so you can become the right person and assess your readiness for da ng. This will create a more presentable and a rac ve you should you encounter someone of interest. DEATH AND DIVORCE RECOVERY . . . REALLY? Pre-da ng prepara on usually begins with single parents having to recover from something: a death, a divorce (or rela onship breakup), or some other significant loss. But you are deceived if you think that once you’ve “recovered,” you’ve moved past that pain forever. Cassandra wrote to us at Smart Stepfamilies and shared how her church divorce recovery program had been helpful to her. “I think healing before remarriage is the most important thing a person can do for themselves and their children. I went through a DivorceCare class, and my current husband did a divorce recovery program at his church that helped him deal with his divorce. These programs helped us make changes that needed to be made, and have blessed our marriage, as well.” I am a strong believer in divorce recovery and support ministries that help widowed persons move through their grief. (For example, I highly recommend the DivorceCare and GriefShare programs.) These support ministries help people learn how to manage their grief in a healthy way, give them perspec ve on how their marriage came to an end, and help them take responsibility for how they contributed to a dissolved marriage. Recovery programs also provide stability at a me of emo onal upheaval through prac cal counsel, encouraging rela onships with others in the group, and a godly perspec ve on forgiveness, healing, and managing anger. But in spite of all the good these programs bring to our lives, I have to ask the ques on: Does anyone fully recover? Knowing Yourself How vulnerable are you to a da ng partner’s best-foot-forward behaviors? How easily are you drawn in to the fantasy? To recover is to get back or regain a normal posi on or condi on.[10] Really? Is that possible a er tragedy strikes? It hasn’t happened for me. Taken As I write, it is two days before Father’s Day, a day that I used to cherish but now dread with every fiber of my being. In February of 2009 my wife, Nan, and I went to a movie. It was a Saturday night and we just needed to get away from the kids and refresh ourselves. We went to see the movie Taken, starring Liam Neeson. The movie is about a father whose daughter is abducted—that is, taken—for the purpose of child trafficking. As any good father would do, Liam Neeson hunts down the men responsible and saves the day. A er a fun, wild ride at the

theater, we returned home to find our middle son, Connor, complaining of a headache. Li le did we know that at that very hour Connor was being taken. We gave him an ibuprofen and sent him to bed, confident he would feel be er in the morning. He didn’t. An MRSA staph infec on had contaminated his body and was systema cally destroying his lungs. Over the next ten days we journeyed up and down steep mountains of hope and fear, and spiraled through narrow passages of prayer un l finally descending into the valley of the shadow of death. Connor was gone from this life. Taken. There is no recovery from this. There is only surviving and ge ng through. That may sound pessimis c or without faith to you, but I have talked with enough counselors and grieving parents who are decades further down the road than us to know that un l heaven we will never go back to “normal.” A good, long look in the mirror has shown us that our life is forever changed and me now falls into the categories of before and a er.

 Before: I never once prayed for daily bread. I prayed for early re rement. A er: I’m learning what it is to pray for daily survival and to wait on the Lord’s provision for this moment—to be s ll and know that he is God.

 Before: I prayed “if the Lord wills” such-and-such will happen, just like the book of James says to do.

A er: I realize that I didn’t mean it when I said that. I said “if the Lord wills,” but I never gave it an honest thought that my plans for life wouldn’t really come about. I was smi en with the illusion of control. If I just worked hard enough, prayed hard enough, lived right enough, things would pre y much work out. Now when I say “tomorrow I will do this or that,” I don’t have any illusion that it will really happen . . . unless the Lord wills. My illusions have been ruptured.

 Before: Nan and I thought we knew what it was to be and have friends. A er: We have discovered the faithfulness of a few amazing friends who are willing to walk through darkness with us, day a er day, year a er year, even when we can’t be for them who we once were. We have also learned that lots of other “friends” can’t handle our pain—and won’t handle our pain. Never before had we experienced social isola on and loneliness un l we entered the valley of death.

 Before: I thought a bad day was the flu, a flat re, or a flight delay. A er: My defini on of a bad day has been recalibrated. Watching my wife dig her fingernails into our son’s grave while screaming “I want my son back,” or helplessly standing by as one of Connor’s brothers is submerged night a er night in the fear that another family member will die, now qualify as a bad day.

 Before: Sunday was a me of family connec on, worship, and celebra ng our Lord. A er: Sunday is o en the worst day of the week and worship the worst hour. Songs without Connor’s voice, the memory of his casket at the front of the auditorium, the feeling of abandonment by those we thought were friends, etc., make worship a me of confusion and agony.

 Before: I thought trust and faith were the an dotes to pain. A er: I’ve realized that the train I now travel sits on two rails: the le is sadness (deep, deep sadness) and the right wonderful memories. The le is anguish, the right hope. The le anger, the right trust. The le sorrow, the right peace in the arms of Jesus. Neither rail invalidates the other. Neither excludes the other. They coexist. I now know that faith doesn’t end grief, and the hope of heaven s ll allows room for asking why. I travel these two rails, side by side, on an unstoppable train . . . ll Jesus comes. My guess is that by now you’ve realized (for yourself or the person you are da ng) that your life is also forever changed, that there is no full recovery from the tragedy of death or divorce, and that you, too, are riding on the same train. Yes, my tragedy and pain are different from yours, but even s ll, your tragic loss has changed you. You have a before and a er story, too. Just look in the mirror.

 Before: You were sure you had found the one and only love of your life. A er: You realized infatua on stole your discernment, and you married someone you didn’t know, someone who eventually became your enemy. And now you don’t trust your decisions.

 Before: You dreamed of growing old with someone. A er: You discovered that life is fragile, and not even the righteous can assume they are protected from death.

 Before: You had friends, lots of friends, who welcomed you and made you feel at home. A er: As friends took sides, you lost a few, and the ones who remained soon faded into their married-couple world. You ended up alone and in search of new friends.

 Before: You believed that if you love and serve someone, they will be faithful to you. A er: A sight, sound, or smell instantly transports you back to the me when your knees buckled under the weight of betrayal. And now you doubt if anyone really keeps their promises.

 Before: You were confident to take on life. Your marriage and home life supported your work, interests, and ambi ons.

A er: You are lucky to stay ahead of the bills. Ambi on is dead, and you are socially withdrawn and embarrassed about your life situa on.

 Before: You worshiped God with a blind trust and ques oned others who got angry with him.

A er: For a season, you cursed God to his face, felt jus fied in doing so, and refused to open your mouth in praise. With your anger now subsiding, you are again open to your Father but s ll baffled at why he would let you and your children suffer so much.

Kids Talk “How could God have let this happen to my family? Does he really care about me? Can I trust him to be there for us?” Tragedy changes us forever. Some mes for the be er and some mes for the worse, but do not be mistaken, it changes us forever. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen countless singles make is assuming that because they or their da ng partner graduated from a support ministry, there no longer exists a residue of pain in their heart. Because the intensity of pain has li ed does not mean that you have learned everything you needed to learn or have moved past your pain. Sadness, pain, and doubt will coexist with faith, at some level, throughout life. You are forever different—in both posi ve and nega ve ways:

 Posi ve: You are more self-reliant now. Your previous husband le you with nothing but the clothes on your back. At first you were petrified, but by God’s hand you found a job, a house, and friends who came through for you over and over. You not only survived, you learned that you have the ability to find your way.

Nega ve: You are more self-reliant now. Coming to depend on God and yourself was tough, but now that you’re there, leaning on another man for financial support is downright scary.

If You Are Da ng a Single Parent Take me to listen to the “before and a er” story of your da ng partner and their children (if they are open to sharing it). The more you know about how profoundly their lives have changed, the more informed your choices will be about the rela onship and the more compassionate you will be to their fears and hesita ons.

 Posi ve: You are a more involved dad now. Picking up the pieces a er your wife died wasn’t easy, but you did it. What was most difficult was engaging your children on an emo onal level that you had previously relegated to their mother. You had to find a way to touch their hearts—and you did.

Nega ve: You are a more involved dad now. Not only did you learn to hold your children’s hearts, you cherish doing so. Now that you’re da ng, your girlfriend is moving in on your

territory. Most people assume it would be a relief for you, but you just feel threatened—and guilty that your kids are losing a part of you. If you are a single parent who has been through a death or divorce, as you ponder how your life has changed, here are three points to chew on. First, humble yourself enough to admit that you are changed. Real recovery does not transport you back to being the person you were before the tragedy; it incorporates who you were with who you have had to become. Be open to discovering this and integra ng these various parts of you. Second, keep in mind that your kids are different, too. As I’ve wri en in each of my other books, children never recover from the death of a parent or parental divorce. They live the rest of their lives in the shadow of that event. Yes, they are resilient and quite capable of adap ng to the new normal of their family, but no, they don’t stop wondering about what might have been, wishing that broken rela onships would mend, or grieving the mul tude of losses that keep accumula ng since the death or divorce. Third, da ng has a way of showing you that the growth you gained from your recovery work was sufficient to being single, but not sufficient for contribu ng to an “us.” Just because you have done some recovery work doesn’t mean you or your children are ready for new rela onships. Take one step at a me and don’t be surprised if da ng reveals a hurt or pain you didn’t know existed.

When a Parent Is Deceased If your former spouse died, you may not be wrestling with shame, but you may have regrets. Let God affirm your value in spite of your failings, and don’t try to make up for those regrets in a new rela onship. Here is something worth considering: A parent who has turned a blind eye to how they or their children have been changed by the past will make repeated da ng mistakes. They will run over da ng partners, fall short in caring for their children, and make foolish decisions about remarriage. A buried past is usually buried alive—and easily resurrected. Be er to carry the past with you, reflect, and humbly listen. GOD’S MIRROR There’s another mirror that I want to encourage you to look into. It’s the mirror in which you see yourself as God sees you. You are his chosen child, beloved and cherished. No ma er where you’ve been or what you’ve done, he loves you. I share this because many of the divorced persons I’ve worked with over the years have struggled with tremendous guilt and spiritual shame. Even if the divorce wasn’t their decision, they feel unworthy, perhaps even second class. There are two things to think about, I tell them. First, remember that God is really good at forgiveness. He’s been doing it a long me and he took great pain in making a way for grace to

be available to—yes, even divorced people (tongue in cheek)! So let him forgive you; embrace his grace. Second, remind yourself that while you can’t earn his grace, God does call you to obedience. The reason he wants you to be obedient, by the way, is not because “I said so.” We parents some mes give this response to our children when we don’t know what else to say. It’s as if we are saying, “I and the rule are one, so do it.” No, God invites our obedience because he knows the good he has in store for us when we live a certain way. His statutes are meant to provide for us, protect us, and mature us. There’s a gi in the command—we just have to trust that his loving heart is working on our behalf through the precept. Pursuing Spiritual Blessing If you were to fall in love with someone and marry them, would you have the blessing of God? Would you have the blessing of your local church family? Both of these ques ons are of the utmost importance for the divorced person. If you have been widowed, Scripture is clear that you are free to marry. Paul actually encourages widows to remain single so their dedica on to the Lord can be undeterred; however, if remaining single with sexual purity isn’t your gi ing, Paul says, as long as you marry a believer, you are free to remarry (see 1 Corinthians 7:8–9, 39). But if you are divorced, ques ons about your freedom to marry with God’s blessing and approval are cri cal. Pursue the Smile of God. Every bride wants her father to give her away with his blessing. What every Chris an couple hopes is for God to in effect do the same, that is, to “give them away” to each other with his blessing. Star ng the journey of marriage with God’s smile on you is to begin on the right foot. Everyone wants that. To take the first step while hiding in shame casts a shadow on the legi macy of the marriage. No one wants that. Therefore, it is important to seek God’s will for your life as it relates to marriage. I believe the high calling of Scripture for divorced persons is to reconcile their original marriages if at all possible.[11] God created marriage in part to reflect the oneness of the Trinity and be a tes mony to the world of selfless love. When a marriage dissolves, unity is broken and the tes mony lost. But how much more is God glorified when a divorced couple reconciles their marriage and transforms it into a God- honoring, mutually serving in love kind of marriage! Now, having said that restora on of a separated or dissolved marriage is near to the heart of God, I want to acknowledge that this won’t be likely in many situa ons and wouldn’t be prudent in others. For example, returning to an unbelieving partner or restoring an abusive marriage would not bring glory to God unless there was radical repentance. The fundamental nature of such a marriage would have to be dras cally different in order for a reconcilia on to reflect God’s purposes in marriage.[12] In addi on, if your ex has remarried already, reconcilia on is not possible (in fact, Scripture teaches against them divorcing their new spouse to return to you; see Deuteronomy 24:1–4).

There are many other Scriptures and scenarios we could examine, but my point is this: Don’t move on to another marital partner without first giving serious considera on to the calling of reconcilia on. Instead, explore with a trusted spiritual advisor, pastor, or ministry (e.g., www.reconcilinggodsway.org) the choices or ac ons you may have available to you as it relates to your former spouse[13] and what the Bible teaches about this ma er.[14] SLOW YOUR GAZE The next chapter will explore a number of other aspects of your readiness to date, but slow down, don’t turn the page just yet. This chapter started your examina on of self with what I consider to be the two most important facets of readiness: (1) the impact loss has had on you, and (2) your willingness to surrender to God’s direc on regarding divorce and remarriage. Both of these are vital and should not be quickly passed by. If you are divorced and already in a da ng rela onship with someone you really like, you may have skipped the last sec on. You don’t want anyone sugges ng you might need to reconsider the rela onship for spiritual reasons (and if you do feel that irrita on right now, it might be your conscience telling you to do just that). Or perhaps you are running so fast from your past, you have never taken the me to reflect on how it has changed you or your children. You must stop. Slow your gaze in front of the mirror and take a good long look at yourself. You won’t be able to outrun these two facets of your life. Let me put it another way—you can pay now or pay later. For over a decade I have specialized in stepfamily therapy and working with remarried couples, and one thing experience has taught me is that people who ignore these components of their life o en pay a price for them later when they have a new marriage, new family, and much more on the line. Had they dealt with it before da ng, they might not have even married who they married. Now they and their kids are paying the price. Pray through these aspects of your life. Ask for insight and be open to what the mirror—and the Holy Spirit—shows you. Discussion Ques ons

1. Da ng can be “The Big Lie.” Look back over your previous da ng experiences and examine how easy it is to fall prey to the best-foot-forward fantasy that early da ng creates.

2. What concrete steps have you taken to bring healing from your past losses? If you haven’t par cipated in any structured opportunity so far (e.g., counseling or divorce recovery program), why not?

3. List your befores and a ers. How has your loss recalibrated your a tudes, paren ng, and outlook on life?

 If you are da ng someone who has also experienced loss, do you know how they are different? If not, listen to their story and find out.

4. How are your kids (and/or partner’s kids) different? What are their befores and a ers? 5. Regarding a previous rela onship/marriage, what regret, guilt, or shame lingers for you?

6. If you are divorced, I encourage you not to move on to another marital partner without first giving serious considera on to Scripture’s calling of reconcilia on. What implica ons does this have for you or the person you are da ng?

7. Slowing your gaze is about giving yourself me to hear what the Holy Spirit has for you in this season of your life. What steps can you take to slow down and not rush into a new rela onship?

Chapter 3

Ready or Not, Here I Come: The Readiness Factors

When I first became single, everyone told me to wait at least two years to date, and I laughed at them; I now realize what good advice that was. Sheri, single parent As you con nue to look in the mirror, let me dispel a myth right now. The idea that either you or a da ng partner is defini vely ready or not ready for another rela onship is misguided. It’s not a black or white, either/or situa on. It’s more of a con nuum of gray. For example, you might think a er a period of self-examina on and counsel that you are ready to meet someone. But all it takes is a first date for you to realize that you are ready for only casual da ng, not a serious rela onship. Let’s take the pressure off right now. Stop worrying about whether you’re ready to date, and stop trying to discern whether your kids are ready for you to date yet (we’ll talk more about that in the next chapter). No one but God knows the answer to these ques ons! And unless he writes a message to you on the wall (your Facebook wall or otherwise), I suggest you reflect on the following readiness markers, and then perhaps try da ng and see what happens. Yeah, that’s right, try da ng. Some mes that’s the only way to expose readiness factors you didn’t know to a end to. As you date, con nually reflect and listen to what you are experiencing and learning about yourself, your children, your da ng partner, and the “us” that is being developed between you. EMOTIONAL READINESS Have you ever watched a celebrity interview on TV and thought, How can that person be so unaware of how strange they sound? They really think they are making sense. How can someone be that arrogant, self-centered, or nearsighted? What is missing in that person is the ability to look in the mirror, to see themselves objec vely, for who they really are. Look in the Emo onal Readiness Mirror Part of what keeps us humble before God is the ability to look in the mirror. It will also help you consider your emo onal readiness for da ng. What are your internal drives at this season of

your life? What strong emo ons persist? Emo ons like guilt, fear, loneliness, or unhappiness do not create fer le soil for growing healthy rela onships, and discontentment breeds vulnerability and poor discernment. To what degree do these emo ons exist in your life? Regularly I ask single-agains “How do you know if you are ready to date?” Sheri shared, “In order to be ready to date again, you really need to have come to terms with what went wrong in the marriage and accept your part of the blame and responsibility for it. You should be at a place where you want to make changes in your own life so that your next rela onship is much be er. Also, make sure enough me has passed for you or the person you are da ng. When I first became single, everyone told me to wait at least two years to date, and I laughed at them; I now realize what good advice that was.” I like Sheri’s willingness to look in the mirror.

If You Are Not a Parent Singles who have never been married or don’t have any children can “need” to be married, too. It is a yellow cau on light if either of you has a strong urgency to get married. Kerry, a divorced mom, emphasized to women the importance of becoming self-reliant. “First, you truly have to be over your rela onship with your previous husband in all aspects; no one wants you to constantly compare them to your ex-spouse. You have to realize that you do not need a man, as you will choose ineffec vely if you are needy and are just looking for someone to take care of you and your children. You must have the financial means to care for yourself and children without needing anyone else. Woman, be strong and learn to stand on your own two feet. You can take care of you and your children with self-confidence, drive, and a tude. No is never an op on!” Obviously Kerry is sugges ng that if you see neediness in the mirror, you aren’t ready to date. And then there was this response from the other side of the fence. “Regre ul from Canada” anonymously wrote my ministry, sharing her already married blended family perspec ve. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t able to look in the mirror un l it was too late. My husband and I are both in second marriages, but I wish I had never remarried. I have two young teenagers and he has a five-year-old he has never seen but talks to every few weeks. I remarried a er being on my own for three years. I now realize that I married again because I was terrified of being alone and desperately wanted to have a healthy family for my children. Unfortunately, my second husband cannot relate to my children and sees them only as a duty. In fact, all aspects of family life seem to be a chore for him. This causes tremendous tension between us. I fought for my first marriage for many years un l it was torn from me. I have no more fight le in me. I try to give it to God, but only find temporary peace. I have been thinking about leaving for over a year now. My children have tried to relate and bond with him, but have been pushed away. We have seen counselors together and separately. Ini ally I was sad that I had made another mistake, but now I am ge ng angry at myself for being so needy back then and at him for not being who I want him to be. Divorcing this me wouldn’t seem to be wrong because I wouldn’t be tearing apart a family—we aren’t a family.

It is easy to hear Regre ul’s pain and defeat. She doesn’t even classify her situa on as a family. (I would, however, because she and her husband made a covenant promise; her family is worthy of being saved, it just needs much improvement.) But what is worthy of our a en on is her observa on that loneliness and worry for her children closed her eyes to wise discernment about marriage and becoming a blended family. She didn’t take her loneliness and worry seriously and didn’t examine her emo onal readiness thoroughly. As a result, she found herself in a regre ul situa on. Marital Amnesia Defini on: The willingness to date again even a er a painful divorce or spouse’s death.

1. loss of rela onal memory due usually to loneliness, fear, discontent, or the desire to climb out of the pit of pain

2. a gap in one’s memory 3. the selec ve overlooking or ignoring of events or acts that are not favorable or useful to

one’s purpose or posi on of ge ng into another rela onship Relax in Your Aloneness As I stated in the introduc on, God made us to be rela onal beings. When without a companion, we will feel alone. That loneliness must be acknowledged and managed so it doesn’t place blinders on your eyes. Loneliness might be one of the strongest causes of marital amnesia, which fools people into believing they are ready for a new rela onship and causes them to minimize the complexity of forming a blended family. So what’s the prescrip on for loneliness? Relax in your aloneness. I know that sounds crazy, but let me explain. Finding the ability with God’s help to be s ll in your loneliness is not a remedy for loneliness—you will s ll feel lonely—but if you learn to trust God with your loneliness, meet it head on, and manage it responsibly, it won’t dictate or drive your decisions.

Kids Talk “My dad tells me to wait for the right girl to come along and not get impa ent. But he can’t live without a woman in his life. That’s a li le hypocri cal, don’t you think?” Rebound rela onships are a good example of loneliness at the steering wheel. A er the loss of a significant rela onship, it’s common to feel as if you’ve fallen into a pit of pain. One reason people rebound into a new rela onship is that it func ons as a ladder to help them climb out of their pain. Unfortunately, the drive to get out of the pit is so strong that it blinds people to the weaknesses of the ladder and the fact that they are using this person to medicate their pain. In the end, the weak ladder—a pseudo-rela onship at best—crumbles, and you (and your children) fall again into the pit of pain.

To truly move out of your pain, you must first sit in it. You must recognize your hurt, your loneliness, your despair and call out to God for help as you walk through it. This is an excrucia ng process for many, especially those who have had divorce thrust upon them, but there’s no other healthy way to manage the pit and keep it from crea ng vulnerability in your life. You can’t sidestep the pit. How will you know when you are relaxing in your aloneness? When you recognize your loneliness but don’t need to find another person; when you can choose to enjoy the good parts of your life without feeling that they could be be er if you just had a person to share them with; when you aren’t overwhelmed by a profound sense of failure or inadequacy; and when fear, guilt, and discontent don’t control your decisions or push you to search for a partner, but you instead devote me to exploring and understanding your fear, guilt, and discontent. Then you are relaxing in your aloneness. Since losing my son Connor, I can’t tell you how isolated our family has been (most folks don’t like to hang around grieving parents) or how many mes I’ve been tempted to quit my job, sell the house, and disappear on the other side of the planet somewhere. A er a few years of con nuous heavy sorrow, some mes you just want to chuck it all and quit life. The tempta on to rapidly climb out of the pit of pain is very real for me. But where would that leave me? In denial, emo onally lost, spiritually vulnerable, and addicted to the agent of my quick fix, I suspect. So instead of le ng my pain dictate my journey out of the pit, I’ve decided to sit in the pit and feel it. Every single bit of it. Yes, I cut myself a break every now and then and allow myself a pity party, but I refuse to let the pit control my life. I decline to make rash decisions on a really bad day. And I ac vely rebuff any tempta on for a quick fix to my emo onal pain. To do so would be to stunt my growth and become foolish, I’m sure. Trust God I’m choosing instead to sit in the pit and take God with me. I cry out to him, talk with him, and ques on him. And I listen . . . and some mes, though not as o en as I would like, he speaks. “Be s ll and know that I am God,” he reminds. “I can be trusted with the things of this life that you will never have the privilege of understanding un l heaven,” he consoles. I know that is true. And so I rest in the pit. And so can you. The first steps to finding emo onal readiness for da ng are to rest in the pit you’re in, trust God with what you don’t understand, and look into the mirror he provides. Then and only then can you grow with his wisdom. Explore Your Emo onal History An o en hidden aspect of emo onal readiness stems from our family of origin and rela onal history. It’s one thing to ponder how your first love has impacted who you are now, but it’s another to consider the rela onal pa erns that persist throughout your life. Like threads that

are woven into a fabric, rela onship pa erns create the narra ve of our lives and heavily influence our thoughts, behaviors, emo onal responses, and choices. Cindy was bi er. “Men are pigs,” she said. And then she connected the dots for me. Cindy’s grandfather was a hard-working, happy-all-the- me drunk. As a young child she loved being around him because he was so jovial. As a young woman she realized how much his family despised him because, although he was responsible enough to provide for the family financially, his love affair with alcohol made him func onally absent from their lives. He was home all the

me, but never there. Cindy’s father, just like his father, le the family. When she was sixteen, her father le the home one day and never came back. “He had been in my life every day un l then,” she explained, “and then he was gone forever.” Then came her first husband, who followed suit and le her for another woman when she was pregnant. For five years she lived as a single mom with no support. “Men are pigs; you can’t trust them.” Most recently she met Winston, fell in love, and married him within a year. Despite being warned by friends, it was only a er she married him that she no ced that he catered to his ex-wife, who was demanding and controlling of his children. Believe it or not, Cindy never saw the rela onal pa ern of irresponsible men in her life un l I spelled it out for her. Neither did she understand her part in perpetua ng the pa ern by the men she chose, nor the blinders she put on while da ng them. You must—if you intend to ever have a rela onship different from the ones you’ve had before— reflect on your rela onal history and ask the ques on What does this tell me about me? This isn’t intended to cast blame for all the bad things that have happened in your life, but to simply no ce what the narra ve of your life says about you.

 What types of rela onships are you most familiar with (and, therefore, likely to repeat)?  In hindsight, what are your blind spots about yourself or rela onships?  What roles do you and others typically play in your life?  What vulnerabili es do you have?  Based on the past, what beliefs do you have about men/women, husbands/wives,

parents/stepparents, children/stepchildren?  Knowing that previous emo onal injuries lead us to look out for similar hur ul behavior

from others, what wounds do you have on your heart and how would you know if you were hypersensi ve to them, and therefore more likely to exaggerate the nega vity of minor irrita ons?

These ques ons are crucial to finding emo onal readiness for da ng. Finding the right person who will love you just as you desire is not the answer to resolving the You issue. You must deal with you long before you try to get someone else to deal with you. If you are having difficulty with this, consider si ng down with a family therapist who will conduct a genogram with you. A genogram is a family map that helps someone explore their rela onship history, spiritual legacy, and emo onal well-being. It can be a very insigh ul process and help you to move out of unhealthy rela onship ruts and cope with emo onal bruises.

Timing Issues I’ve got a hard truth for you. If it ain’t over, it ain’t over—and even if it’s over, it ain’t over. Let me explain. Pam was posi ve that her boyfriend’s marriage was over. Gary, who had been married for a total of nine years, had been separated for the last two and a half years. When Pam and Gary met, she was reluctant at first to date him, since his divorce was not final. Gary reassured her that his feelings for his soon-to-be ex-wife had ended long ago, and the only reason he was s ll married was because she was emo onally unstable and stubborn. She was contes ng the divorce yet all the while living with a new boyfriend. “It’s just her bi erness,” he shared apologe cally. “That’s the only reason we aren’t divorced. She shacked up with her boyfriend a few months ago, so she has obviously moved on—and as far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” Something in Pam made her hesitant to date Gary, but his explana on and genuine interest in her lessened her defenses. Before long, Pam was da ng Gary on a regular basis. But the marriage wasn’t really over. About six months later, Gary’s wife kicked out her boyfriend and had a change of heart. She let Gary know that she was interested in ge ng back together. Ironically, it was Pam who had wisdom enough to advise Gary to consider it. Pam’s parents had divorced when she was a child, and she knew how hard it was to grow up with a stepparent. She urged him to explore the possibility of reconcilia on even though it meant she and he would have to stop da ng. Pam and I processed the experience together. She learned that almost over is not the same as over. Rather than a clearly defined rela onship environment, a not-yet ending offers ambiguity, which is really bad for star ng something new. Pam also recognized:

 an ambiguous couple rela onship is doubly confusing for kids.  when a marriage isn’t legally over, children, society, and the church define the new

rela onship as adulterous. That sets a poor moral example for children and invites them to emo onally boyco your rela onship from the beginning.

 un l the divorce was final, Gary couldn’t fully put away his feelings for his wife. Even though they were bi er toward each other, he could not be emo onally, psychologically, or spiritually released from her un l their marriage ended and there was no possibility for reconcilia on. And he couldn’t know what he wanted in a rela onship other than someone who would rescue him from his pit of pain.

Pam was only shoo ng herself in the foot (or should I say heart?) by da ng him. It ain’t over ll it’s over. Now here’s part two: Even when it’s over, it ain’t over. Divorce may be the end of love, but divorce also includes the persistence of a achment. In my first book, The Smart Stepfamily, I shared this key principle to understanding the ongoing rela onship between ex-spouses: Divorce doesn’t end family life, it only reorganizes it.

Divorce may be the end of love, but divorce also includes the persistence of a achment. In my first book, The Smart Stepfamily, I shared this key principle to understanding the ongoing rela onship between ex-spouses: Divorce doesn’t end family life, it only reorganizes it. This truth has two aspects to it. First, couple interac onal pa erns that occur before a divorce usually con nue a er the divorce, as well. A man who catered to his ex-wife’s ideas about paren ng typically keeps catering well a er they have divorced and set up two separate households. A woman who is cri cal and condescending toward her husband tends to be angry and picky well a er their divorce. These pa erns only change if one or both ex-spouses mature as individuals, accept how they nega vely contributed to the end of the rela onship, and choose to behave in different ways. The irony, of course, is that when exes are stuck in old interac onal ruts, they keep their emo onal a achments alive. This can hamper the development of new rela onships. New love is much freer to mature when it is unencumbered by old emo onal a achments. A second aspect of this truth is that divorce doesn’t end the job of paren ng, it just reorganizes it. Two people who share a child never stop being in rela onship with each other (we call them co-parents), and new partners must accept this. Even if their marriage is over, their paren ng rela onship isn’t. In prac cal terms, this means that stepparents some mes get vetoed out of decision making, have to deal with unfair financial arrangements, and have to confront the fear that ex-spouse parent-talk could easily slip into former spouse love-talk. If you or the person you date cannot cope with the powerlessness this some mes brings, the “always second, never first” nature of your rela onship, or the related “you’re not my mom/dad” s ff-arm from a stepchild, then you are in for a world of discouragement and distress and should back away from da ng. I can’t tell you how many newly married stepparents have said to me, “I don’t know what I was thinking, but I just assumed that once we got married, his/her ex wouldn’t interfere with our family. I thought it would just be us.” Nothing could be further from reality. When kids are involved, marriage is a package deal. And the package includes exes and co-paren ng in addi on to the kids. If you can’t marry the package, don’t marry the person. The larger point here is to pay a en on to the ming of new rela onships and not downplay the significance of ongoing a achments. Don’t think you or a da ng partner can skip adequate grieving and jump untouched and unscathed into a new rela onship. Timing ma ers because it either contributes clarity and defini on to the rela onship, or it offers ambiguity and confusion; make sure it is the former. So how long should someone wait a er a death or divorce before da ng again? I’m asked that ques on all the me by the media and single parents. I used to give them a defini ve answer: Wait at least two years before da ng. To be honest, I now consider that response inadequate and a bit arrogant. I thought I could give a one-size-fits-all response, but life, research, and experience has taught me that I can’t. Timelines are misleading (they give a false sense of security) and deceiving (I know lots of people who aren’t ready to date a er five years!). No one

can tell you how much me you need to mature or whether someone is ready to date. Now, having said that, I feel the need to offer this cau on: In general, a quick turnaround is not conducive to wise rela onship decision making. Rather, make me your friend. Use it to seek stability in your life, grow as a Christ-follower, and con nually work toward a collabora ve co- paren ng rela onship with your ex—and look for the same in whomever you date. People who rush into da ng are usually running from something. Gap Worries Let me speak frankly to a vulnerability that weighs heavily on the hearts of many single parents. You care deeply for your children; that’s why you want to fill any emo onal and financial gaps they may have. For example, single moms who don’t have the income poten al they desire may feel great pressure to find a provider for the family. And parents who want their children to grow up in a home with both a mom and a dad may try to fill the gap with a man or woman willing to play the role. This gap worry is especially acute when a child openly asks for a dad or mom and the other biological parent is deceased or is MIA. Such gaps are undeniable. But replacement da ng to give your child a two-parent home with a larger income is never a good idea. Michelle has some gap worries. “Because I have a son, I feel strongly about ge ng married so that he will have a good, strong Chris an male in his life so he can learn how to be a man and a godly leader. My son’s father lives twelve hours away, so the only me he gets to spend with another male is when his grandparents keep him (about once every other month, which isn’t much). I want my son to grow up in a two-parent home.” Michelle’s worries are understandable, but here’s something she—and you—must comprehend. Even if Michelle marries, she is not giving her son a two-parent home. She would instead be giving her son a parent-stepparent home. They are not the same. Yes, stepfamilies can be redemp ve, loving, healthy environments for children. And yes, as I’ve wri en elsewhere, blended families have many rewards, such as providing children with posi ve marital role models, more stable economic condi ons, and psychological healing from the nega ve impact of divorce.[15] But you can never fully restore the emo onal process of a biological family; a parent-stepparent home does not equal a biological two-parent home. If it did, the outcome measures of child well-being would be similar for children of stepfamilies and biological homes. They aren’t. Findings from a na onal survey by the Na onal Center for Health Sta s cs reveal considerable differences between children raised in nuclear families and those raised in single-parent families, blended, cohabi ng, or extended families. Children in biological homes are generally healthier, have be er access to health care, and are less likely to have definite or severe emo onal or behavioral difficul es. Specifically, children in blended families do about as well as children in single-parent families on most outcome measures of well-being.[16] The point is this: Marrying someone just to fill the gaps in your child’s life isn’t wise.

Upon hearing this perspec ve, some single parents feel discouraged, as if I’m saying they would be wrong to date. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Other single parents feel relieved when they hear this viewpoint because they realize there’s no pressure to get married. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t let guilt or worry be your mo va on toward marriage. Marry someone, not as a replacement parent, but because you love them and believe they will help you raise your kids in the Lord. Un l that person comes along, raising your children as a single parent is a viable op on. RELATIONAL ROADBLOCKS, BLINDNESS, AND BITTERNESS Being blind to issues in a rela onship is very different from being bi er over a previous one, but they have a similar func on: neither brings wisdom or discernment about a new rela onship. Rela onship roadblocks just stop you in your tracks. Ginny was blind. “Before we married, my husband and I did not seek out educa on on being a blended family because we didn’t realize that it would be hard. Now, seven years into our marriage, I wish that we would have.” Kari also had a blind spot—about her child. She called Smart Stepfamilies a er hearing me on a radio interview. Kari’s daughter Bonnie (age twenty-five) fully resented her mother’s remarriage three years a er her father died in a car accident. Kari thought she had waited long enough but now realizes she missed a big yellow flag. “My daughter never talked about her dad’s death. My son did, but Bonnie never wanted to talk about it. Now I’m three years in and I’m about to give up on having a blended family.” Courtney had a bruise on her heart from a previous rela onship that blocked her from moving forward. “I love reading your e-magazine. I’m recently divorced and not nearly ready for another marriage for some me, but I do want to educate myself, because that may happen at some point. I was married for four years and have two children. My ghost is trust. My ex- husband consistently lied to me and had an affair. I find it very difficult to trust right now. I want to trust and fall in love again, but I’m very cau ous and taking my me.” No ce that Courtney is not blind to her roadblock trust issue—that is a huge plus. Yet she s ll has to deal with it. And finally, do you remember Cindy, who decided a er being abandoned by her grandfather, father, and first husband that “all men are pigs”? She was bi er, blind, and blocked. But can you blame her? Look, there is no condemna on for those who are hurt and, therefore, hesitant to move into another rela onship, but you can’t stay there. Whether you are going to date or not, dealing with your pain is cri cal to finding healthy living, becoming an effec ve parent, and perhaps, finding readiness for a new rela onship. Recognize and deal with your stuff. Listen to trusted friends who can see into your blind spots. And then have the courage to face what you find. I’ll never forget the following post to SmartStepfamilies.com, because the unnamed writer impressed me with her courage. See if you agree.

My fiancé and I a ended your conference in Dallas a year ago. We had been together almost a year and thought we had the perfect union and that it was me to blend our kids. A er a ending such an informa ve and discussion-provoking conference, we both knew that we weren’t ready for marriage. Our kids weren’t ready, either. We were in love with being in love and weren’t thinking of how this would affect our kids. Your conference opened our eyes to how our kids’ lives would be affected, and I am forever grateful. We broke off our engagement shortly therea er and are both thankful that we had such wise counsel and good tools to help us in our decision-making process. As much as it hurt to say good-bye to each other, we do have the peace to know that it was the right decision. I would encourage anyone who is thinking of ge ng married and blending their children to RUN to this conference and also read your books NOW. You will walk away either knowing that you are really ready for this huge commitment, or that you have more to work on. Thank you so much for helping us. God’s best to you! —Forever Grateful in Texas Now this is a couple with objec vity to see their bi erness, roadblocks, and blind spots when pointed out and the courage to face them head on. Preserving their fantasy rela onship was not their priority; considering what was best for their children, families, and future was. Doing so steered them toward dissolving the rela onship (that certainly won’t always be the end result for others) and they embraced it. Likewise, if you find that you or the person you’re da ng is not emo onally ready for da ng, I pray that you can bow out with courage and grace. Discussion Ques ons 1. How does the recommenda on that you stop worrying about whether you’re ready to date and stop trying to discern whether the kids are ready for you to date, and instead “try it and see what happens” help take the pressure off? How does it inform what you should expect of yourself in da ng? 2. Write out or share how you would know beyond a shadow of a doubt if you weren’t ready to date. 3. How are you “relaxing in your aloneness”? How about the person you’re da ng? 4. List the rela onal pa erns that persist throughout your life (family of origin and previous rela onships). What themes rise to the surface, and how have they impacted your life and rela onship choices so far? Consider these ques ons:

 What types of rela onships are you most familiar with (and therefore, likely to repeat)?  In hindsight, what are your blind spots about yourself or rela onships?  What roles do you and others typically play in your life?

 What vulnerabili es do you have?  Based on the past, what beliefs do you have about men/women, husbands/wives,

parents/stepparents, children/stepchildren?  Knowing that previous emo onal injuries lead us to look for similar hur ul behavior

from others, what wounds do you have on your heart and how would you know if you were hypersensi ve to experiencing them again?

5. What are the implica ons of this statement for you: If it ain’t over, it ain’t over—and even if it’s over, it ain’t over. 6. What gap worries (concerns that you believe only another adult can fill for your kids) have you had? 7. Review the roadblocks, blinders, and bi erness expressed by Ginny, Kari, Courtney, and Cindy. Can you see yourself in any of their descrip ons?

Chapter 4

The Fear Factor: Preparing Yourself and the Kids for Da ng When I’m protec ng me from you there can’t be an us. There’s one more emo onal readiness factor that must be considered, and it’s so significant I’ve dedicated two chapters to the topic. Some people first encounter this factor even before they start da ng, and others don’t no ce it ll they are approaching marriage. But over twenty years of stepfamily training, research, and counseling has taught me that nearly every da ng single experiences fear to some degree at some point—and so do the kids. If le unmanaged, fear in yourself, your partner, or the children has the ability—separate and apart from all the other stumbling blocks of blended families—to singlehandedly dismantle your rela onship and paralyze your life. A er being tossed aside by her husband of sixteen years and the father of her two children, Lauren declared to friends in her divorce recovery group, “Never again will I be hurt like that.” Her bi erness combined with the fear of being hurt again built twenty-foot walls of self- protec on around her. And yet a er many years of single living, to her surprise, Lauren found herself entertaining thoughts of romance. She wondered if she could love and trust again. But just when she’d begin to trust, fear would rush in. Even imagining being vulnerable made her heart tremble. Stacy, on the other hand, had casually dated a few men. She found herself caught between hope and doubt, between the accelerator and the brake. Her children’s reac ons confused her, as well. One minute they were complimen ng her date and the next complaining that she was going out again. “What does it all mean?” she asked. “It feels like walking through a minefield.”

Lauren’s and Stacy’s fears had direct connec ons to having experienced divorce and being parents. For others the fear has more to do with their family of origin. Never-married Ming-hoa, a third-genera on Asian-American, grew up with highly controlling tradi onal Chinese parents. While their high expecta ons did challenge him to do well in school and college, he never believed that he quite measured up. In short, Ming-hoa worried about pleasing others, and it came out in his da ng rela onships. Da ng Jodie, a mother of two teenagers, had him sinking in anxiety. He not only worried about what Jodie thought of him, he worried about what her kids thought, too. Essen ally, fear is the emo on most apt to cause one or both partners to be guarded with their whole selves, cau ous with their trust, calcula ng in determining how much they are willing to serve and sacrifice for the other, and careful not to step off the ledge of self-sufficiency. Fear is an excellent catalyst for self-preserva on, but when I’m protec ng me from you, there can’t be an us. Fear prevents people from doing the things that love would have them do. It prevents them from choosing risk. Ironically, risk management behavior can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the self-protec ve person inadvertently contributes to the very thing they fear, that is, a distant or difficult rela onship. Kids of all ages have their own fears, too. They fear losing connec on and me with their parent, they fear how one parent da ng will impact the other parent, and they may fear losing their family iden ty, tradi ons, or inheritance. It’s when kid fears intersect with adult fears that things really get complicated. When a Former Spouse Is Deceased Widows may fear the pain of another loss, but may also blindly assume a new marriage will be just as good as the previous one. Hernando and Connie came for therapy just one month before their wedding. She had two teenagers from a previous rela onship and he had two younger children. Because Connie had jumped into a rela onship with Hernando fairly quickly, she had not processed her trust fears. But this fear surfaced rapidly once conflict between her son and fiancé increased. One of Connie’s teens, Samuel, was going through a period of rebellion and anger over his parents’ divorce. She had hoped he and Hernando would connect, but Samuel wasn’t open to Hernando. Instead he aligned himself closely with his father; this loyalty kept him closed to Hernando. The emo onal disconnect between Hernando and Samuel escalated when Hernando confronted Samuel about how he was disrespec ng Connie. Connie stepped in to manage the conflict, but as most “referee” parents discover, she alienated herself from both her fiancé and her son. Just one month before their marriage, everyone’s fears were colliding, conflict was rising, and the couple was considering delaying the wedding.

Fear is hazardous to rela onships. If you are going to date well, and ul mately have a successful marriage and family, da ng must occur with an awareness of both adult and child fears. We’ll examine adult fears in this chapter and kid fears in the next. ADULT DATING FEARS I fear paren ng as a stepmom and having my kids parented by a stepdad. Tammy, mom I’m scared of my son being hurt and divorce happening all over again. Jackson, dad There are many different types of rela onal fears. Some of the most common are men oned below. As you review them, ask yourself which may currently be at work in your life or da ng rela onship. Gauge the intensity of each fear on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most intense and most menacing, 1 being just an occasional concern, and 5 being moderately troubling). Measuring and then addressing your fear factor is cri cal throughout every stage of da ng. The lower the ra ng, the be er, but be honest with your self-assessment. As you consider each of the following, keep in mind this important insight: The more important the person and the more in mate the rela onship (meaning transparent and connected), the more vulnerability, and therefore fear, increases. Just when you think it’s safe to jump back into the deep end, fears some mes swell. Many people don’t register anything on their fear-o-meter un l the word marriage gets thrown out, when they start thinking through the logis cs of combining homes, children, possessions, and financial assets, or for some, when they actually get married. That’s when things get real, fast. Don’t be surprised by this; it’s a natural outgrowth of a meaningful rela onship. The upside of fear is that it tes fies to the importance of the person. The reason you get anxious about the future is that you desire the other person in your life. And again, given what you have already been through (your loss story), leaning in to another person or family situa on should produce some anxiety. Don’t be taken aback by this— but don’t deny it, either. You see, what most people do when fear comes is to try and control rela onship boundaries and expecta ons in order to mi gate their fear. For example, early on in the process, one dad didn’t tell his kids he was da ng. Surprisingly, he also didn’t tell his dates that he had children. He jus fied it by saying things like, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” and “Why make things complicated in the beginning in case things don’t work out?” This need to control informa on is really about this dad’s fears and ends up crea ng decep on and mistrust. Here’s another example of how fear manifests itself. Lots of couples these days gravitate toward stayover and cohabi ng rela onships. These halfway house scenarios help people feel safe while s ll being in a serious rela onship. But that’s exactly the point. Stayover rela onships—

where each person maintains a personal residence but one of them stays over with the other on a fairly regular basis—and cohabita on are for many couples fear metaphors. The arrangement screams, “Since we’re unwilling to jump with both feet into the deep end of life together, let’s live together so we can maintain our op ons. That way you can have me and I can have you but neither of us really has to go all in—you know, just in case it goes bad.” In seeking to control the risks inherent in a trus ng rela onship, these couples opt for an independent-togetherness arrangement. The way through fear is not to sidestep it with a pseudo-promise that leaves the back door open. Rather, it is to acknowledge your fears, understand their origins and what they seek to protect you from, and then walk directly through them by choosing to risk. Love comes with risks; avoiding that truth gives in to fear. Losing Kid Connec on In chapter 1 I men oned an important truth that single parents must understand. The process of becoming a couple and ul mately placing significant priority on the couple rela onship requires a shi of your energy and me away from your kids and to your spouse. This nearly always creates a compe on of a achment and a loss of excessive closeness with your children. Death or divorce throws you into a survival closeness with your children that cannot be sustained when a marriage enters the picture. Something has to change—and kids feel the loss of connec on. Single parent Jenny feared this very thing. “My biggest fear is that I will lose the quality me and rela onship I have with my kids.” Losing some connec on is to be expected; the real ques on is how much will you lose. One blind spot for single parents is assuming this dynamic will not apply to them because they have enough love for everyone. Of course you have enough love, but you don’t have unlimited energy and you can’t be in two places at once. Unless your children are toddlers, expect them to feel displaced and be irritated, jealous, or angry about it. One fourteen-year-old boy told me three years into his mom’s remarriage, “I used to be best friends with Mom. But I got pushed back to fi h place when she met Benny.” In chapter 1, I introduced you to Rachel, a twenty-two-year-old student who feels the contrast in her mom’s investment in her boyfriend versus her. “Some mes I get frustrated that she will tell me she’s ‘too busy to talk—can it wait?’ when I know that she talks to him every morning and evening. Pushing me out of her schedule when she has mul ple slots can be frustra ng, but she doesn’t see it that way. I also get frustrated when she spends lots of money to see him yet complains about finances. When he is available she clears her schedule; when I come back from school, her work schedule stays the same and she o en takes phone calls during our me together. She would never do that with him.” Here’s the tough part. Rachel’s mother isn’t necessarily doing anything wrong. She is just giving part of her me and affec ons to someone other than her daughter. For Mom, this is a good thing. For Rachel, it’s another loss—a change she didn’t want or ask for. Those who are da ng a

single parent may find this dynamic bewildering or troubling. It’s hard to imagine how much pain the children have already experienced in life and, therefore, why your presence can cause more unhappiness in the child. Resist the tempta on to complain to your da ng partner that their kids are out of line. Instead, listen with compassion and try to have grace for how difficult this is for them. If as a single parent you can’t face the fear that da ng will likely create in your children—and your resul ng guilt—don’t date. If you can, pair moving forward with compassion toward the kids because, again, life seems a li le out of tune with their needs and family agenda. Most important, stay as ac ve in their lives and as emo onally affirming as you can; they need to see that they really haven’t lost you. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. Causing Kid Pain A loss of rela onship connec on certainly causes some kids pain. But pain can come about in other ways, as well. Kyle worries that “if I get serious with someone and things don’t work out, the kids will have formed an a achment to that person and be hurt by the loss and/or become desensi zed to later rela onships.” This is a legi mate concern. Very young children can some mes bond with a parent’s da ng partner faster than the parent can, so be sure not to prematurely expose children to a da ng partner (see the next chapter for guidelines on introducing kids to da ng partners). Angela has already had one bad da ng rela onship and doesn’t want her daughter to grow increasingly bi er about men and da ng. She also doesn’t want to bring a man into the house who will expose her daughter to unhealthy behaviors or ac ons, so she is vigilant to only date men who have a proven record of spiritual integrity. In addi on, Angela is fearful of a marriage where her daughter is not fully accepted. Like most fears, this one has some truth to it and some exaggerated concern. It’s true, for example, that stepparents do feel differently about stepchildren than they do their biological children. That’s not to say that they don’t love them, but that they love them more by choice than by a natural connec on, especially during the early seasons of the blended family. If a biological parent’s standard for the stepparent is that they love stepchildren and biological children the same, everyone will be discouraged; that standard just isn’t realis c. But how much less are you willing to accept? One final significant fear is inadvertently exposing your children to an emo onal or sexual predator. No one purposefully chooses to do so, but it happens. There are warning signs to look for: someone who refuses to take responsibility and con nually blames others for their failures, has a sense of en tlement and uses people for their own benefit, lacks empathy for the pain of others, struggles with in mate rela onships, has a history of abuse or a troubled childhood, or engages in deviant sexual behavior and abuses pornography.[17] But even with that list in mind,

it’s possible to be duped given that predators are excellent manipulators. You must be aware of this fear (and the signs of an abuser) and find balance in how cau ous you will be. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. Not Blending Another common fear I hear repeated from singles is the fear that the family won’t blend. What if holiday tradi ons can’t be united? What if differing paren ng styles can’t be brought in line or if spending habits and financial assets bring disagreement and possessiveness? Cathy shared, “I fear having my best inten ons misunderstood by my stepchildren or that some of them may never completely accept me—that, plus simultaneously watching my kids experiencing another loss (of me) while I try to connect with my stepkids.” In the beginning, blended families are not blended. In fact, they are a collec on of two families living under the same roof, trying to integrate their lives. It is important that you recognize that some family members may not fully integrate themselves. Adult stepchildren, for example, or a teenager who has primary residence at the other home doesn’t get much integra on me with the new family and, therefore, may not connect into the new family iden ty. You must consider this a possibility as you date and count the cost should you marry. This is a very real fear for singles without children da ng single parents. Think about it: If you marry someone with four kids, and for whatever reason you aren’t accepted, it could be five against one really fast. In response to this fear, I’ve watched some singles subtly try during da ng to distance their da ng partner from their children. That is a big mistake. Never try to distance or, for that ma er, substan ally alter the bond between a parent and their children because it will only rebound against you. Don’t try to manipulate the rela onship of others to make space for you. If you can’t deal with the ambiguity while finding your fit with them, step back. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. Choosing Poorly “Personally, I fear repea ng the same mistake,” said Carl. “I pray that God helps me find the best woman for me and that I don’t jump into a bad situa on. I worry that she will be completely different a er a year.” Chandra’s biggest fear is “picking the wrong man again, or jumping in too soon and not ge ng the best that God wants for me.” Falling in love makes everyone believe they have chosen wisely, but life some mes reveals that you chose poorly. n a way, that’s not completely fair. I believe that some people choose a mature, godly mate, but life and circumstances bring out the worst in them. It’s not like finding the right person will always result in the best behavior from them, or even the best family with you. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to pay a en on and pick well (chapter 7 will reveal some cau on lights to

heed and stoplights not to run), but be realis c: We all have faults. Ask yourself if you are willing to love an imperfect person. Are you willing to allow God to stretch you in order to mature your rela onship with someone who is at mes inadequate and flawed? One of the reasons God gives our spouses failings is so he can grow us. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. Ex-Spouse Fear Ex-spouses can wreak lots of havoc on remarriage rela onships. From causing financial stress when they won’t pay their share of child medical bills to overt flirta ons and sexual proposi ons, ex-spouses carry leverage to invade your rela onships. Diane’s anxiety would rise every me she even thought about da ng because of her ex-husband’s emo onal instability. He was possessive and controlling during their marriage, and she feared that if she brought another man into her life and the lives of their children he would escalate his bad behavior. In Jack’s da ng rela onship it was only a er two years that he admi ed how much the ex- spouse factor bothered him. “Both the lady I have been da ng and I have been divorced for over ten years. I have four young adult children and she has two. The reason we haven’t married yet is because of her rela onship with her ex-husband. They s ll speak two to four

mes a week—and most of it is unnecessary. Should I just give up?” Here’s the bind when it comes to ex-spouses: Because they share children, they should and must communicate on a regular basis. Interac on is unavoidable, but that communica on should be restricted to parental dialogue, not personal conversa on (see my book The Smart Stepfamily for a full discussion of boundaries with ex-spouses). Ex-spouses who regularly cross the line toward the personal create a threat to new roman c a achments. If the appropriate boundaries cannot be maintained, something has to give. In other words, my answer to Jack’s ques on, “Should I give up?” is this: If others confirm to you that her connec on with her ex is too close, express your concerns. If she con nues to ignore your need for firmer boundaries, then yes, give up and move on. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. Fearing Spiritual Judgment For many Chris ans, remarriage brings spiritual judgment from their church or Chris an brothers and sisters. Different understandings of what cons tutes an unscriptural marriage can polarize friends and family members. Other mes, the spiritual fear comes from within. Jamie wrote to me asking, “What if you are the one causing the spiritual pain? My husband and I had an affair that ended our first marriages. I wish so badly that I could go back in me. I always have to live with the fact that I am the other woman who caused pain to so many. I dare not ask God to bless our marriage. Adultery and divorce are devasta ng; no wonder God hates divorce.

He does not want his children suffering the consequences, but my husband and I live them every day.” If you are in Christ, the sin of the past will be forgiven. But even if Jamie and her husband can embrace God’s radical grace, they will have to live with some very real consequences of their sin. None of us can change the past, but we can live faithfully (not perfectly!) beginning today. If you’re finding it difficult to accept God’s forgiveness, seek wise counsel from a Chris an therapist or pastor. How strong is this fear in your life? Rate 1 to 10. CHASING AWAY THE GHOSTS Now that you’re more aware of your fears and the ghosts that haunt you, what do you do about them? Trus ng that your ra ngs for the fears men oned above are accurate, anything that is a 5 or greater needs a en on. These ghosts will creep into your heart and rela onship at some point and you need to chase them away. But how? Before addressing that, let me say something counterintui ve; you are under no moral obliga on to walk through your fears. I know that sounds strange, but as a single person, you don’t have to overcome your fears. If you were already married and came asking how to overcome them, my response to you would be different: “Okay. You’ve made a covenant before God that is going to require you to walk through your fears and do what love demands. Let’s get to work.” But single people don’t have that moral obliga on. Being cau ous might mean you miss out on a rela onship, but you certainly are free to make that choice. As long as your da ng rela onship is honest, rooted in spiritual integrity, and sexually pure, you don’t have to walk through your fears. If, however, you desire to work through them, consider these key steps. First, lay before the Lord your desire to be free of the fears that limit your ability to love selflessly. Con nually invite him to help iden fy what triggers your fear and how it makes you react. This self-awareness is crucial to changing your response set. Essen ally, you must become familiar with how fear impacts you and what your typical reac on is. Once you iden fy it, I suggest you write this down so it becomes tangible and real to you. You might even run it by a trusted friend or counselor who can give outside perspec ve on that part of you. Together, you’ll get a much more complete picture of the measure of your fear and how it debilitates you. Then, ask yourself these cri cal ques ons: If I didn’t have any fears, if I didn’t have any emo onal bruises on my heart from the past and I wasn’t afraid to risk being hurt again, how would I respond in this situa on? What would love have me do in this situa on? What would I do if I didn’t have anything to lose? This, too, should be something you share with a trusted friend so they can help you shape this “free to love” scenario. Then, begin to push through your fear and take the risks love would have you take. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” There’s profound wisdom in that. Ask God for strength and trust him to see you through.

A er taking a good long look at her fears, Evelyn realized she found comfort in emo onal and financial independence. Throughout her life she has dealt with strong, opinionated men. Her father was a military man with rigid black-and-white rules for her life. One of her boyfriends in high school controlled her me and friendships while they were da ng, and her first husband was a high-powered a orney who expected their marriage and family life to center around his schedule and professional goals. Divorced now for nine years, Evelyn had come to find comfort in her independence and feared trus ng herself and her kids to another man. “I am accustomed to being able to manage my own me and resources,” she said. “I like being able to make decisions without having to consult another person.” Evelyn wrote down her fears as she iden fied them. She feared being trapped in a rela onship, gravita ng toward men who are abusive or controlling, finding herself in a bad marriage, having to parent small children again, having to share her finances with someone and their children, having her children not like someone she does like, and trus ng and being hurt again. Then Evelyn no ced how each fear impacted her emo onally and what ac ons she typically undertook to prevent the fears from becoming reality. For example, she no ced that when she went on first dates, she asked lots of probing ques ons about the man’s past; her aim was to iden fy any markers of untrustworthiness as quickly as possible. Her guard was up, and she let it be known she didn’t need anyone. Unfortunately, this callousness made her una rac ve to the men she dated, who stopped pursuing her fairly quickly. Of course, asking ques ons about someone’s past is part of ge ng to know them. But looking for nega vity (and perhaps inser ng nega vity when it wasn’t there) to jus fy withholding herself was the problem for Evelyn. That’s what she decided to change. Walking through that fear meant calming her anxiety while on first dates and becoming more of a listener and less of an inves ga ve reporter looking for dirt. She told herself that taking things slowly was okay, as was lowering her emo onal wall (a li le wall was okay). Similarly, Evelyn created a list of ini al growth steps regarding each of her fears; together they helped her slowly move through her fear. Now, let me jump around the other side of change for a moment. Balance your risk with appropriate boundaries. Some people have distorted ideas of ghost-free living and become easy targets for manipula ve people. Loving with your whole heart doesn’t mean living without boundaries. Instead it frees you to live out of your God-given worth and iden ty in Christ in the loving service of another. Self-respect based on what God has done (and is doing) in you is the source of your ability to give to another—and that giving will never beli le your iden ty in Christ. For many people there is quite a contrast between who they are when paralyzed by fear and who they will be when it no longer has a hold. The journey into and through fear will be anxiety producing, but no pain, no gain. Incidentally, going through this process will help you help your children with their fears.

Discussion Ques ons 1. React to this statement: Fear is an excellent catalyst for self-preserva on, but when I’m protec ng me from you, there can’t be an us, because fear prevents people from doing the things that love would have them do. It prevents them from choosing risk, which leads to a self- fulfilling prophecy. 2. Work through the list of Adult Da ng Fears and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Share why you rated each as you did.

 Losing kid connec on  Causing kid pain  Not blending  Choosing poorly  Ex-spouse fear  Fearing spiritual judgment

3. In addi on to the fear examples provided in this chapter, what fears have you seen in yourself or others? 4. Given the evidence that cohabita on is detrimental to rela onships, why does it remain so popular in our culture? 5. React to this statement: Stayover rela onships and cohabita on are for many couples fear metaphors. The arrangement screams, “Since we’re unwilling to jump with both feet into the deep end of life together, let’s live together so we can maintain our op ons. That way you can have me and I can have you but neither of us really has to go all in.” 6. React to this statement: As a single person, you are under no moral obliga on to walk through your fears. 7. Consider these steps to chasing away the ghosts:

 Lay before the Lord your desire to be free of the fears that limit your ability to love selflessly. Con nually invite him to help iden fy what triggers your fear and how it makes you react. This self-awareness is crucial to changing your response set.

 Write down your fears so they are tangible and real to you. You might even run it by a trusted friend or counselor who can give outside perspec ve on that part of you.

 Ask yourself these cri cal ques ons: If I didn’t have any fears, if I didn’t have any emo onal bruises on my heart from the past and I wasn’t afraid to risk being hurt again, how would I respond in this situa on? What would love have me do in this situa on? What would I do if I didn’t have anything to lose?

 Then, take the risk of loving in these ways. Risk is the only way to confirm or disprove your fears.