Resilience in Kids Following Divorce

Chapter 5-8 Deal

Deal, R. (2014). The Smart Stepfamily. Baker Publishing Group.  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781441264206

Smart Step Three: Two-STEP

Your marriage must be a top priority

Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Matthew 19:4–6

Every family, including the stepfamily, is founded on the marital relationship. Yet the complexity of stepfamily life makes nurturing the marital relationship a tremendous challenge. Caution: It is easy for your marriage to get lost in the stepfamily forest, and without a strong marriage your entire family falls apart. As stepfamily educators and friends Gil and Brenda Stuart say, “If you ain’t got the marriage, you ain’t got nothing.”1

The divorce rate in America is generally considered to be around 50 percent. However, a recent book by Shaunti Feldhahn calls this assumption into question. In The Good News About Marriage she accurately points out that while researchers predict that 40–50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce, the actual number of marriages that have divorced (referred to as the “current” divorce rate) is much lower; only 31 percent of all marriages have divorced (25 percent of first marriages and 34 percent of remarriages).2 That really is good news.

The divorce rate specifically among stepfamily partners, while difficult to calculate exactly because of little research, seems to be considerably higher. Whether preceded by divorce, the death of a spouse, or a non-marital birth, I estimate that at least one-third of all weddings conducted in America today give birth to a stepfamily (it actually might be closer to 40 percent)3 and that the current divorce rate for stepcouples is around 40–45 percent (most occur within five years).4 Another way to view the impact of this statistic is through the eyes of children. A significant percentage of all children will watch their parents divorce at some time; half of those children will watch at least one parent divorce a second time.

Without question the stepcouple divorce rate is higher than the divorce rate of first marriages. But why? I believe the intersection of marital dynamics and complex stepfamily relationships, including issues around stepparenting, cause family stress that eventually erodes marital trust and commitment. To protect your marriage from this negative force you must get smart about managing the dynamics between you and surrounding you. That is the focus of this chapter.

God’s Design From the Beginning

The beautiful story of Genesis 2 is of a God who provided a partner for man and for woman. Two people who would complete each other, share intimacy, work side by side in child rearing, and reflect God’s love to each other. The mystery of marital oneness (Ephesians 5:31–32) was created by God for humankind. Marriage was created with purpose.

From the beginning God was at the center of the marital relationship. He was the focal point for Adam and Eve’s relationship, giving purpose and instruction for life. Marriage, like all of God’s activity in this world, is meant to usher people into relationship with him. He loves us with his whole heart and desires to be known by us. Marriage, then, is about knowing God and sharing his love with another, who, in turn, loves us in such a way that we are drawn toward God. In fact, the closer we draw to God as individuals, the closer we come to our mates; the closer we become in marriage, the more intimate we become with God.

This spiritual intimacy is at the heart of Christian marriage and forms the basic divine purpose of marriage for all times, places, and cultures. Healthy, growing marriages seek to build on this foundation. Couples who place God at the center of their relationship, whether a first, second, third, or fourth marriage, put him in charge of their wills, their choices, their money, their vocation, and their parenting. Such couples, while never achieving marital perfection, will undoubtedly experience some of God’s richest blessings. This holy love triangle has three parts: each partner’s relationship with God and their relationship with each other.

Loving God involves everything we are and have—our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Loving each other involves romantic affections, committed love, and a host of other practical life skills and qualities, including trust, a sense of companionship, a satisfying sexual relationship, and healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. It is beyond the scope of this book to address all the areas of a healthy marriage. For that I would point you to The Smart Stepfamily Marriage by David H. Olson and me; it provides a comprehensive look at marriage in a stepfamily based on the largest survey of stepcouples ever conducted (a study guide for groups is also available).

I will focus here on two key barriers to marital oneness in stepfamilies that, I believe, account for the higher divorce rate in stepfamily marriages. Drawing upon the love of God and loving each other through these barriers will greatly strengthen your marriage and help it to grow and mature.

Best Practices for Enriching Your Marriage

To keep the energy in your marriage moving in a positive direction, prioritize two things:

To strengthen your couple relationship, attend a general marriage enrichment class, workshop, or conference every year.

In addition, attend a class or conference for stepfamily couples to specifically confront the stressors of stepfamily living.

Barrier One: Parent-Child Allegiance—When Children Precede the Marriage

God’s design for the family includes a man and a woman beginning their marriage by separating from their families of origin. As the two “leave father and mother” emotionally, financially, and psychologically and “be joined” to each other, a foundation is laid for their new home (see Genesis 2:18–25). The marriage relationship is established before children are born and continues as the foundation to the home throughout the child-rearing years. Scripture affirms the necessity of what some have called a honeymoon period as the couple solidifies their relationship: “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). But stepfamily couples don’t have this bonding time. In fact, because parent-child relationships are bonded by blood and have more history, the marital relationship, instead of being the strongest bond in the home, is often the weakest.

The normal progression in a first marriage is for the couple’s relationship to broaden from one characterized by romance before children to one of partnership after children. Without a honeymoon period, stepfamily couples are forced to negotiate their partnership at the same time they are solidifying their romance. Needless to say, the process is complicated, and frequently the couple’s personal relationship gets lost in the stepfamily forest.

The challenge for stepfamily couples, then, is to make their relationship a top priority and position it as the foundation of the home. This does not mean de-prioritizing children or neglecting them. “Wait a minute,” said Carrie. “You mean I have to put my husband before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood. He’s just someone I picked up alongside the road somewhere.” Her tongue-in-cheek meaning was evident, but so was her fear. “I can’t do that to my kids. I don’t ever want them to think I love him more than I love them.”

Her statement calls attention to a number of legitimate fears for biological parents that new spouses/stepparents must understand. First, children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce, and biological parents feel guilty because of it. Guilt is a powerful emotion that can easily motivate parents to protect their children from future pain. This effort to protect children can take on many different forms both before and after a stepfamily is formed. Shielding a child from inconvenience, letting them off the hook from consequences, preventing a stepparent from having an equal say in parenting decisions, monitoring the amount of contact between stepsiblings, and controlling money so that children don’t go without are just a few examples. Many of these inadvertently align the child with the biological parent to the detriment of the parent-stepparent (and marital) relationship. This is very dangerous to the long-term viability of the family. Gary and Emily know what I mean.

Gary’s sixteen-year-old stepdaughter, Amy, walked into the kitchen while he was fixing dinner. He politely asked her to set the table while he finished the meal. She ignored him. A second time he asked, and this time all he got in return was a halfhearted, “I’ll do it in a minute.” Ten minutes later she showed no indication of helping, so he repeated his request, this time with tension in his voice. Amy’s mother, Emily, walked into the room just as he was raising his voice. At first, Emily remembered how important it was to support Gary, so she gave Amy “the look.” Amy grudgingly responded. Later, as the family sat down to eat, Gary made a snide comment about how Amy had forgotten the knives. Emily came unglued. “Why do you have to criticize her like that? Can’t you just leave well enough alone?” Gary felt that Emily was once again taking Amy’s side and became resentful. In an instant Gary’s conflict with Amy became Gary’s conflict with Emily and ended when he slammed the front door and shouted something about divorce.

Stepfamily couples can learn two things from this story. First, aligning with each other as a couple is delicate sometimes, so hold on to the “little victories.” Emily’s initial support of Gary’s request was a step in the right direction. But Gary, when he pushed for a big victory with a comment about forgetting the knives, turned the situation into a big defeat. Gary should not have criticized Amy’s effort at the dinner table. He could have voiced his concern to his wife later (behind closed doors), and together they could have decided on a standard of conduct for the future. Later he confessed that his comment grew out of his frustration that she hadn’t accepted him as her stepfather and because she refused to honor his authority. He should have settled for the “little victory.” Little victories or big defeats.

Second, Emily’s initial effort to support Gary was short-circuited by her need to protect Amy from more harm. Emily’s divorce had been difficult, and Amy got caught in the marital conflict often. Emily could have expressed her feelings about Gary’s negative comment behind closed doors or done so at the table without attacking, but she lost her ability to respond appropriately when her allegiance to Amy took over.

Let me point out that conflict over loyalty to children is not unique to modern-day stepfamilies. In Genesis 16 and 21, we read how Abraham, on more than one occasion, got caught in the jealousy and competition of Sarah and Hagar. Sarah even approached Abraham and insisted he cut his son Ishmael out of the will because he was born to Hagar. “Cast out this slave woman with her son, for the son of this slave woman shall not be heir with my son Isaac” (21:10). She was protecting Isaac’s interests and insisted that Abraham put her first. But the decision wasn’t so easy for him. The Scripture goes on to say that “what Sarah said upset Abraham very much. After all, Ishmael was his son” (21:11 NIRV).

Stepfamily couples experience countless instances where the biological parents feel caught between their spouse and their children. Perhaps it is a decision over what treat the family will pick up after Bible class. The kids want ice cream from Baskin Robbins, but your spouse wants pie from Perkins. Any one time this happens may not feel significant, but repeated over time choices like this feel like a statement of loyalty and priority. If you choose to get pie for your spouse, your children may feel slighted and get angry. If you choose ice cream, your spouse may complain. Either way, biological parents feel like they can’t win for losing. We’ll return to how to handle this situation in a moment.

Eventually biological parents must make choices that elevate the status of the stepparent, and more important, the couple as a unit. Ice cream or pie is not the issue; it is whether the marital team leads the home or not. The real culprit driving the barrier of parent-child allegiance is when biological parents refuse to take whatever risks are necessary in order to move their spouse and marriage into a position of leadership. What risks are involved? Making children angry, upsetting the delicate balance between households, and giving an ex-spouse a foothold to use against you in court. Or it could be feeling guilty about bringing a stepparent and stepsiblings into the child’s life, or even emotionally investing in the new marriage.

Notice that it’s the biological parent who ultimately has the responsibility to elevate the status of the stepparent and the marriage in the family. If they don’t, it probably won’t happen. I’ll say more about that later, but first, let’s recognize that stepparents with the wrong attitude can make this process even more difficult.

How Stepparents Contribute to the Problem

The parent-child allegiance coin has another side. Biological parents can feel resentful when stepparents pile on guilt trips or turn every little instance into a major issue.

Jennifer wrote to me, complaining that her husband focused too much on his daughter when she came to visit. At first I thought, Yes, that’s a common problem for fathers who see their children infrequently each month. She then described how the daughter had the gall to ask her father to take her to an art gallery—alone. The stepmother felt that the daughter was intentionally pushing her out; it felt even worse that her husband gave consideration to the request. At that point in reading her email I was feeling a little sympathy for the stepmom, especially if this happened repeatedly over time.

And then I read the next portion of the email. It turns out that the daughter doesn’t visit a couple weekends a month as I had assumed, but only a couple times a year. She lives in another country. In my mind, that changed everything. Of course, the daughter and the dad want to make the most of their time together; of course, there is need for exclusive time together. And no, the stepmom should not be in competition for that time. After giving his daughter some focused attention, the father can orchestrate opportunities for his wife to join them, but for the stepmom to turn every minute into a competition for his loyalty is a poor choice. Rather, she should give the gift of time and permission for them to be together.

Managing Time

Choices to spend time either with a spouse or children can be stressful. Early in the Crockpot make “both/and” choices to this apparent “either/or” dilemma.

Share your torn-in-two feelings with your spouse; reassure them that the marriage is your ultimate priority.

Try to balance time and energy with each; don’t keep score, splitting every hair.

If you have different opinions about how time should be spent, extend grace to each other and try to meet in the middle.

Comparing Loves

One of the problematic thoughts in both biological parents and stepparents that pits couples against each other as it relates to parent-child allegiance has to do with comparing and ranking loves. Do you remember Carrie’s comment, “I don’t ever want them to think I love him more than I love them”? The love a parent feels for a child is qualitatively different than the love a spouse feels for his/her husband or wife. Carrie’s fear is misguided because it assumes she has a certain number of love points to give away and once they’re gone, everyone else will have to do without. This simply isn’t true. God provides us with an endless supply of love.

Children often feel insecure when their parent marries and may even attempt to play the “you love him more” card to manipulate parents into choosing them. But biological parents who know they can love many people at once won’t be manipulated. Likewise, stepparents shouldn’t force their spouse into an either/or position to determine his or her dedication. They should, instead, acknowledge their personal worth in Jesus Christ, realize that during the Crockpot years children need reassurance of their parent’s love, and work with their spouse to find time together. Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. (Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.)

One more thought: On a couple of rare occasions over the past two decades I’ve seen children who just wouldn’t let this issue go. The “I have enough love points for both of you” response from their parent wouldn’t cut it for them. If you run into this, give them what I call “the speech” and then move on. It includes a reframing of their concern into something that might make a little more sense to them:

Because you keep bringing this up, I can tell that you need some reassurance. I do love you. You are my child and I’m committed to you for life. And I’m committed to my husband/wife for life. It’s not about who is number one in my life—you both are. Just like all of my children are equally important to me, both you and my husband/wife are equally important. You kids are the most important children in my life and he/she is the most important adult in my life. You’re both number one. I hope you can rest in that.

So What’s the Answer?

Even if you give “the speech” and limit comparing the amount of love you have for spouse and child, and if stepparents relax enough not to make every circumstance a life-or-death dilemma, you may still feel caught in the middle and still have to work toward elevating the status of your “us-ness” within the home.

The answer to the parent-child allegiance barrier to marital oneness is unity. Stress in a stepfamily generally divides people along biological lines. When push comes to shove, the allegiance (or loyalty) between parents and children often wins out over the marriage unless the couple can form a unified position of leadership. If they cannot govern the family as a team, the household is headed for anger, jealousy, and rejection. Unity within the couple’s relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family. If a biological parent is not willing to build such a bridge with the stepparent, the children will receive an unhealthy amount of power in the home. All they have to do is cry “unfair” and their parent protects them from the “mean, nasty” stepparent. This almost always results in marital tension, conflict, resentment, and isolation.

As discussed in chapter 2, stepfamilies are divided into “insiders and outsiders,” that is, those who are biologically related and those who aren’t.5 Insiders have a strong bond that pulls them together in the face of stress or conflict. Outsiders often feel that they don’t belong and frequently try to force their way in. The biological parent in stepfamilies maintains relationships with both insiders (their children) and outsiders (new spouse and his or her children), and therefore, must position the stepparent as his or her teammate. Including the new spouse in parenting decisions (see chapter 7), setting a date night and keeping it, and taking a few minutes each day to connect as a couple without interruption are a few simple but significant ways to communicate the unity of the couple to the children. If the biological parent doesn’t help the outsider stepparent take a leadership position, the stepparent is likely to try to force his or her way in. This almost always results in resentment and resistance from the insiders. Again, jealousy, rejection, and anger are common resulting emotions.

Now let me balance this truth by noting that biological parents must take a “both/and” stance with their children and new spouse. They must invest time and energy in both. Early in the marriage, it is especially important to stay connected with your children, but this doesn’t mean the marriage can’t be made a priority, even in front of the children.

Returning to the ice cream or pie dilemma, I suggest that stepfamily couples purposefully choose ice cream for the kids’ sake early on and privately enjoy pie together. If the stepparent is agreeable to this solution, the couple is still unified in accommodating the children. As the Crockpot works over time, the biological parent can more overtly say no to the children while saying yes to the spouse. For example, “Sorry kids, we’re going for pie tonight.” Such a transition almost always elicits anger and insecurity from at least one child, if not all. But a stepfamily in which the couple isn’t working toward affirming the importance of their relationship before the children is one destined for mediocrity.

Make Changes With Compassion

Demonstrating compassion toward a child who is protesting a change in rule or expectation helps to make the changes more palatable. “You are used to getting ice cream, aren’t you? And now we’re changing that. I get it; that is hard. I feel for you. However, tonight we’re considering someone else in the family, so you can either join us for pie or sit quietly while we eat. Your choice.”

Waiting for this to happen is difficult for many stepparents unless you are in agreement about how to handle such matters early on and over time. I’m suggesting that early in the Crockpot you strategically choose your battles. If it’s just a decision between ice cream or pie, lean toward what the kids are used to, but if the decision is a parenting authority matter, lean toward making sure your “us-ness” wins. Try to keep in mind that biological parents in two-parent nuclear homes frequently make “ice-cream” sacrifices on behalf of their children. You must do the same. Be unified in your sacrifices for the children and make strategic choices to support your marriage.

Two-Step

As you can tell, the above advice requires a delicate balance of marital teamwork. It is a dance that takes harmony and practice. Now you know why I titled this smart step the “two-step.” Couples in Texas are well aware of a dance they call the two-step. Like all dances, it requires that the couple work together to stay in balance. Striving to make your marriage a top priority means balancing commitments to both the children and your spouse. As moving around the dance floor becomes more natural, greater harmony and enjoyment result. But as I’ve suggested, sometimes learning to dance means fighting some battles.

Divide and Conquer

Not all stepfamilies struggle with the tug and pull of parent-child allegiance, but for most this developmental task is difficult. It takes a few to the brink of divorce.

I had been working with Jeff and his new wife, Kelly, for a few sessions when they walked in with worried looks on their faces. I had been trying to help them make room for Jeff’s fourteen-year-old daughter, Lauren, who had recently come to live with them. The transition had been difficult, to say the least. Prior to Lauren’s moving in, the couple had integrated quite well. Kelly brought four-year-old Becky to the marriage, and she had warmly accepted her stepfather. The couple enjoyed three relatively hassle-free years together—until Lauren moved in.

“Lauren wrote me this letter after our last session,” Jeff explained. Lauren was very jealous of her stepmother and had been cornering her father about his marriage. At my direction he had already talked with Lauren about how he could love her and Kelly without competition, and he reassured her that she didn’t need to be concerned about losing him. “She’s really forcing the issue now,” he said. He showed me the letter. It started with a classic adolescent manipulative tool—a guilt trip.

Dear Dad,

Listen, I’m sorry I’m such a screw-up! But I really don’t think I can do this anymore! I was thinking about what you said: It’s (1) God; then (2) your spouse; then (3) your children! I can’t live with you [believing] that the second Kelly and I get in a life-or-death situation you would save Kelly over your own flesh and blood. . . . I can’t live with you, knowing that would happen. I can’t live here knowing that you love Kelly more than me. And Kelly loves Becky more than you. And don’t tell me there are different kinds of love, ’cause you put her above me. I can’t take this anymore. I knew this girl in school who gave herself up for adoption; I really think I want to do that! I don’t want to, but it’s the only option.

Love,

  Lauren

Is it reasonable for a parent in this situation to be afraid? Absolutely. Everyone loses contact with someone when a family ends by death or divorce, and Jeff had lost a lot of time with his daughter. His time with her since the divorce had been very limited. Lauren had also missed her dad. The change of residence represented an opportunity for Lauren to reconnect with her dad, but now his relationship with Kelly appeared to be threatening her chances, so she resorted to guilt and threatening withdrawal to try to orchestrate closeness with her dad. (By the way, before you judge her tactics too quickly, let me note that many adults resort to guilt trips and emotional withdrawal in their marriage, too, with the hopes that they will foster closeness. They don’t.)

Before we developed a game plan, I asked the couple to put themselves in Lauren’s shoes for a moment. That was a stretch for Kelly, who only saw a manipulative teenager systematically eroding her marriage. Kelly hadn’t wanted Lauren to “invade” their home, but didn’t have much choice due to difficulties with Lauren’s mother. Kelly bristled when I suggested Lauren was frightened and simply trying to find her place in her daddy’s heart. She found it even more difficult to hear me say that neither of them should take it personally. “Please understand, Lauren didn’t ask for her parents to divorce, and she didn’t ask for you to get married. She needs some reassurance.” Kelly had to find some compassion for Lauren; the couple couldn’t afford to be divided by this maneuver or Lauren would conquer. Not taking this personally and finding compassion was Kelly’s task at this point. Jeff had to step up to bat and swing at the pitch Lauren had thrown.

And Jeff did just that. He took a “both/and” approach with Kelly and Lauren, giving personal time to each. He and Lauren spent exclusive time together and renewed their relationship. Jeff also made sure he and Kelly dated on a regular basis no matter how much Lauren complained. In addition, Jeff took a firm role in setting boundaries with Lauren and carried out the consequences even though he feared making her mad and driving her away. At one point he let her know without question that if push came to shove, his loyalties were with Kelly. But since her father had become so involved in her life as well, Lauren didn’t fear being forgotten. Eventually, with time and constant effort, Lauren backed away from competing with her stepmom.

Kelly’s role as stepparent in this situation was to avoid fighting fire with fire. It is tempting for stepparents who are being pushed out by the stepchildren to fight back by insisting their spouse choose them in all circumstances. Unfortunately, that kind of stepparent easily falls victim to insecurity and resentment if the biological parent doesn’t do just that. Kelly needed to stand tall and support Jeff as he dealt with his daughter. She needed to give him space to spend time with Lauren and reassure her of his love. She also needed to express her fears to Jeff privately and appropriately instead of with accusation and contempt. Trusting that he was on her side and giving the Crockpot time to cook were critical. Together they made it through the Sea of Lauren’s Oppositions. And so can you.

Barrier Two: The Ghost of Marriage Past

The past has very little substance, but it stays close to your heels.

Unknown

A cat that sits on a hot stove won’t ever sit on a hot stove again; neither will it sit on a cold stove.

Mark Twain

It is human nature to view new relationships in light of previous ones. But doing so is like putting on poor quality sunglasses that are tinted yellow or black—everything you see has a yellow or black hue. Viewing a current relationship through a previous marital lens (and family-of-origin lens) sometimes leads to negative assumptions and expectations. Specific behaviors can also be interpreted negatively. If these assumptions are not examined or the lens not taken off, a new marriage can easily be colored by the experiences of the first (or previous). That’s why it’s critical that people take time to heal and resolve the ending of their marriage, whether by death or divorce, before jumping into another relationship. The circumstances of the loss (death or divorce) make a difference in how long someone should wait before dating, but in general I recommend individuals wait at least two to three years before beginning a serious relationship. All too often, however, people rebound from one failed marriage into another and take their tinted glasses with them. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negativity in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive. This second barrier to marital oneness in the stepfamily is what we might call being haunted by the ghost of marriage past.

Why Wait Two to Three Years to Begin Dating?

In general, the first year is spent grieving heavily and finding your footing again. The second year one often thinks they’re ready to date, but if they wait long enough they discover that it’s just loneliness pushing its way out. In the third year people begin to realize that they can be alone and not be lonely or desperate. That’s when you’re ready to date again. (For more, read Dating and the Single Parent.)

Terri’s first husband had an affair. She came home one day to discover he had packed his stuff and moved in with a woman half his age. The fallout from this rejection was almost more than she could handle. But with the help of a supportive church family, she and her eight-year-old son survived.

Bill made her feel good again. They met through a mutual friend and hit it off right from the start. He listened to her anger, supported her through the custody battle, and helped her son with his homework. Terri found herself trusting him with more and more of her life.

After the wedding, though, Terri would ask questions if Bill didn’t come home on time. When they talked, she shared her thoughts, but not quite everything. She often felt it wise to watch her step and not become too transparent. After all, look what happened last time. When they made love, Terri offered her body to Bill, but not her passion. In other words, she was willing to meet his basic sexual need, but guarding her heart meant never fully joining her soul to his. A year into the marriage, she deemed it wise to put money in a secret bank account, just in case anything ever went wrong. Finally, Terri invested much of her time in her son, “because his father hurt him so much.” Terri was haunted, and her marriage was slowly being sabotaged by her guarded heart and cautious love.

Don’s second wife misused money. She continually forgot to record checks in the ledger, maxed out their credit cards, and bounced numerous checks. Even before the divorce, Don’s credit was ruined; he had to borrow money from his parents to buy a car for his third wife, Heather. The first time Heather forgot to record an online billpay in the ledger, Don starting sweating bullets. He withdrew emotionally and demanded control over the checkbook. Heather was granted an allowance, but all expenditures beyond that had to be preapproved by him. Taking control seemed to be the only way to prevent another bad situation. But Heather resented Don’s controlling behavior.

What’s truly ironic about being haunted by the ghost of marriage past and responding out of fear is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat someone as untrustworthy in spite of their efforts to love and please you, frustration is sure to set in. In his frustration, Bill found himself repeatedly trying to change his wife’s mind about his being untrustworthy; she saw this as his being defensive. I wonder what he’s trying to hide? she thought. Heather’s resentment of Don’s control became disrespect; she began pulling away emotionally and sexually.

I have a cartoon of a man shouting at his wife as she drives off with her luggage: “Marie, don’t leave me. My ex-wife will think she’s right when she says no one can live with me.” That’s a man who is married to one woman but emotionally tied to another. His divided attention has left him unable to meet his current wife’s needs and haunted by a ghost. No one can live with him.

Menacing Ghosts

Do you know what your ghost is? Can you recognize its voice and the fear it imposes? Maybe you have more than one. Whether you have experienced the death of a spouse or a divorce, here are some common ghosts that you might be able to relate to:

Protect the Kids. This ghost seems to have the children’s best interests at heart, but in reality, it is protecting you. It says, “What does he/she know? They’re just a stepparent to your kids. You better watch out or your kids will experience even more pain. Protect them when you can.”

Keep Your Eye on the Money. Especially after experiencing a tremendous loss in income, this ghost urges you to watch every dime. It says, “You better keep a little money stashed away just in case. You don’t want to get stuck holding the bag again. And don’t add their name on the house!”

Who’s in Our Bed? This ghost is concerned that sex this time around might pale in comparison to previous sexual relationships. It urges couples to “check for compatibility” before marriage and plants seeds of fear within the marriage. It says, “I wonder if he/she is thinking of someone else right now; I wonder how our lovemaking compares. Maybe I need to act sexier to keep their attention. Whatever you do, don’t relax while making love, you need to perform well.”

Specifically, the divorce ghost also has some predictable whispers:

Trust Not, Want Not. This ghost says “Avoid vulnerability and the dangers of ‘wanting.’ Being in a position of wanting or pursuing the other person puts you in a vulnerable place—like walking on the edge of a cliff. Better to make sure they want you more than you want them.” Careful, calculated guardedness is this ghost’s friend.

Fear Factor. This ghost says, “You better watch your back. You never know what’s really going on with your spouse or when the other shoe will drop. I advise you to check cell phone bills, read his/her emails, and check to see if their stories are true. Remember, marriage is not forever.” A thick emotional shield is this ghost’s best protection from further harm.

You Know What That Means. This ghost is quick to interpret the meaning of words and actions in a negative light. It says, “Did you hear that? That sounds just like what old so-and-so used to say, and you know what that means. You better beat them to the punch/watch your back/argue your case before it’s too late.” Defensiveness and judgment are this ghost’s friends.

The widow ghost also has some unique whispers:

You’ll Never Find Another One Like Him/Her. Many widowed persons enjoyed their partner and didn’t want to live without them. While divorced persons often look for someone different from their previous partner, widows and widowers often find themselves looking for someone much the same. When the partner or marriage takes on a different complexion, the person judges it “less than.” This ghost says, “He/she was one of a kind. This person just can’t live up to what you had. . . . You see? Did you see that right there? That’s just what I was talking about. Good luck trying to make this work. Things just can’t be the same.”

What this ghost fails to realize, of course, is that this relationship can’t be compared to the previous one. Yes, you’re the same person, but it’s the combination of two people that make up your “us-ness.” Yellow and red make orange. But yellow and blue make green. Of course, your marital color is going to be different. Judge this relationship on its own merits.

What Would He/She Say About This Person? Trying to evaluate a new dating partner or spouse through the eyes of your deceased spouse is ultimately an issue of permission. Some widows don’t feel they can fully embrace a new relationship without the “permission” of a former spouse. This ghost says, “I know he/she told you before they died that they were okay with you getting remarried, but you don’t know if they would approve of this specific person. You just can’t be sure.” Of course, that is true. You can’t be sure. But then, that’s not the point. If your former mate approved of you and found you to be competent, trust in any future mate for you would be based on their belief in you, not the person. Assuming they believed in you, then you have their approval.6

Your ghost, of course, might not sound exactly like these common examples. And that’s the point—you have to find your ghost(s). Jennifer’s first marriage was physically and verbally abusive. She never knew what to expect. “My ghost says, ‘Is he going to snap one day and become the angry man? Keep your guard up and be ready to run.’” She continued, “I still live with fear from the past. It really haunts me even though my current marriage is peaceful. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

After reading the first edition of this book, Veronica, a mid-forties remarried widow, started observing her emotional and behavioral patterns in order to identify her ghosts. She made a list of her fears and shared them with me. In her case, one of her ghosts had roots in the family she grew up in.

“Ghost #1,” she wrote in her journal. “See what happens? Husbands get sick and die. You’ll be abandoned again, and alone. Better not get too attached. Better keep some financial resources for yourself. Better act tough.”

“Ghost #2: It’s obvious that your husband doesn’t love you as much as he loves his kids. Now, here you are . . . and this after your dad left you when you were eight and wasn’t interested in you or your activities. It hurts to see your stepchildren have the love and security you always longed for but never had, doesn’t it?”

“Ghost #3: You were hoping your husband would be able to make up for what you didn’t have as a child and the horrible pain of losing your first husband. But he won’t. He’s a person with his own past, needs, and priorities. Who’s really going to take care of you?”

Becoming a Ghost Buster

For many people, having an open, trusting posture toward your new spouse and treating them fairly requires becoming a ghost buster. Jennifer and Veronica can teach us a lot about ghost busting.

First, they were humble enough to look deep in the mirror at themselves, and brave enough to write down what they saw. One reason most people stay haunted is that they focus their attention on the actions of their spouse; that’s actually part of the haunting, that is, they are looking for evidence that they can’t trust their spouse, so their attention is on the other. Let me skip to the obvious at this point: There’s no doubt that you will find qualities or behaviors in your spouse that concern you. They are imperfect. Be less focused on the imperfections of your mate and focus more on becoming the person God has called you to be in the marriage. Love and trust will come much easier to both of you if you do.

A second lesson we learn from Veronica is looking beyond the ghosts of the previous marriage to the ghosts from childhood. All of us have some emotional residue coating us from childhood because our parents and families were imperfect too. Sometimes our family of origin residue is thin, sometimes very thick. But when it gets reinforced with similar experiences in marriage, it hardens into a protective coating that we must crack and shake off if we are ever to become free of it. Veronica was abandoned by her father when she was a child; her husband did the same. Even though the circumstances were very different—her father left her by choice and her husband because of an illness—her experience of abandonment, of being left alone, was the same. This theme in her life story led to the fear that it would happen again. The result? See Ghost #1. Don’t get attached (withhold yourself), keep some money (don’t invest everything you have or are into this man), and act tough (maintain your protective coating). There may be a number of character defects in Veronica’s husband, but even if he were Jesus, she wouldn’t trust him or give herself sacrificially to the marriage.

You must examine how you have been influenced by your previous relationships and strive to adjust your responses to similar circumstances. Here are some tips for recognizing your ghosts and then busting them.

Actively connect the dots between your quick and guarded reactions and your fears. The actions are obvious; the fears that gave birth to the actions often remain hidden and unrecognized.

Recognize that sometimes you negatively interpret your spouse’s motives and behavior. It’s not a given, but if a husband or wife says, “Why are you overreacting to this?” or “Wait a minute. I am not your ex!” you may be haunted. When that happens, take some time to reflect. Examine whether your past is still part of your present. Then replace your reactive behavior with more appropriate responses.

Tips for busting ghosts:

Write down your ghosts and what they whisper in your ear. Become very familiar with this so you can recognize the voice.

In contrast, strive to recognize the voice of Jesus and what he is telling you to do. Jesus said that he is the Good Shepherd and his sheep follow him because they know his voice (John 10:1–14). Even when there is risk involved in loving your spouse (and there always is), following the voice of Jesus will lead you toward acts of service, a gracious attitude, kindness, patience, gentleness, and self-control. Moving toward his voice and away from the ghost’s is how you bust a ghost.

Ask yourself, “If I had never been hurt before, how would Jesus have me respond in this situation? If I were to treat you as if you are trustworthy, how would I act? If I weren’t afraid of being abandoned, hurt, or controlled again, how would I love?” The answers to these questions are a great start toward how you should act and what you are trying to become.

You may also have to struggle with matters of forgiveness as difficult emotions and memories come to the surface. We’ll talk more about forgiveness in the next chapter, but for now, recognize that the work of forgiveness can be an ongoing part of busting ghosts.

Admit your ghosts to your spouse and enlist their help as you fight to change your behavior. Ask your partner to pray for you and compassionately be patient with you as you strive to change. Admitting to a ghost is an act of vulnerability. While difficult, this in and of itself can be very healing. It not only invites prayer and compassion from your spouse, it overtly tests your belief that the marriage is fragile. If you discover your spouse to be caring and comforting, your ghost has been proven wrong. Confidence in your marriage should go up.

What If Your Spouse Has a Ghost?

If you are married to someone who is haunted by a ghost, here’s how you can help them bust it.

Spotting a ghost. I’ve often said that the answer to the question How does someone know if they have a ghost? is that their spouse will tell them! If you are feeling like something unseen is infiltrating your marriage, say so, but do so carefully. If you are feeling unfairly attacked or prejudged by your spouse, softly say something like, “I’m pretty confused about why this subject sets you off the way it does. I’m wondering if it reminds you of anything.” Let your spouse process your observation over time; if they haven’t spotted the ghost yet themselves, they may need time to make the connection. Again, be soft in your observations. Remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Once a ghost is identified, be patient. Naming the ghost is an important first step toward change, but don’t expect your spouse to corral that thing immediately. Because change is difficult, you will see it haunting again and again as they strive to move out from under its influence. Offer support, not quick judgment. “But I shouldn’t have to suffer for the sins of their ex-spouse,” you might object. Unfortunately, marriage means we join ourselves to each other’s past—positive and negative—for better or worse; remarriage is a package deal. Stop feeling victimized and start helping.

Don’t take responsibility for their ghost. Ultimately you cannot do enough to bust their ghost; it’s their ghost and they must do the work to manage it. But here’s what you can do to be supportive:

Ask, “How can I mention a ‘haunting in progress’ when I see it without putting you on the defensive?” This gives both of you a system for acknowledging what’s happening without setting you against each other.

Let the bullet bounce. When your spouse overreacts, remind yourself that it is about the past, not so much about you personally. Like putting on a bullet-proof vest, you can let what was fired at you bounce instead of penetrate. When you de-personalize their comments, you are left with a bruise instead of a piercing hole through your heart.

Own your part of the exchange. Ghosts are sometimes triggered when you act in a way that mirrors the previous partner. Anything that closely resembles their behavior or attitudes creates a land mine. As your spouse talks about their ghost, learn what you can do to avoid triggering those explosions and monitor yourself closely.

Love as perfectly as you can. Most ghosts are rooted in fear, but Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). Having an unconditional love that reflects the love of Christ will eventually help to root out and destroy your spouse’s ghosts.

Pray with and for your spouse. Taking ghosts to the Father together as a couple and asking for his wisdom and power to overcome can bring powerful healing. Besides enlisting the power of the Holy Spirit, praying together reminds you that you are a team attempting to chase, face, and displace the ghosts. Prayer strengthens your resolve and unites you.

Focus on improved behavior before softened emotions. The process of change for your partner requires them to “act better than they feel.” Don’t be discouraged when you notice negative emotions set off by the ghost. Instead, focus on their effort to change their responses toward you (behavior). Offer encouragement by saying, “I’ve noticed you trying to [identify the positive behavior], and I appreciate your commitment to our relationship. Your effort is bringing us closer together. Thank you.”

Ghosts are hovering, irritating pests; they are about the past. Love and service are about the present and future. That’s where you are headed. Follow God and he’ll take you there, ghost free.7

Ghost Busting Before the Wedding

I would be doing all of the dating couples a disfavor at this point if I didn’t make an important observation (married couples may also find this section insightful as you consider in hindsight the origins of your relationship): Culture has a collective ghost, and it is selling you a lie on how to avoid getting stuck in a bad marriage, while still having a loving, intimate relationship. Ironically, much of it is driven by fear.

Stacy’s dating career could be described as casual. She would meet a man and throw herself into getting to know him while, in her heart, simultaneously keeping her options open. The dopamine brain-rush of meeting someone new and connecting through physical touch made her feel wanted and important, but the idea of being tied down to someone made her nervous. She often found herself caught between hope and doubt, between the accelerator and the brake, between sex and the hope that he would want to leave her apartment afterward. After a while, her relationships would fizzle; she would lose interest because the relationship just wasn’t going anywhere or the guy would tire of waiting for her to make up her mind about their future.

After being tossed aside by his wife and mother of their two children, Caleb declared to friends in his divorce recovery group, “Never again will I be hurt like that. Never again will I fall in love.” Bitterness and fear built twenty-foot walls of self-protection. Fast-forward life a few years and, to his surprise, Caleb found himself attracted to someone. He wondered if he could love and trust again. As quickly as hope would say, “Yes, you can,” fear would shift his heart into neutral. Just imagining being vulnerable made his heart tremble. The combination of Caleb’s passion for his new girlfriend and simultaneous fear of being hurt again found expression in a “stayover” arrangement. A few nights a week he would stay at her apartment; occasionally she would stay at his, but both kept their separate residences, separate rent responsibilities, and ultimately separate lives.

Afraid to Be Seen With Our Clothes On

People like Stacy and Caleb are in a dilemma: They want to be in an intimate committed relationship but don’t want to take on the risks of marriage. Their solution? Strive for independent togetherness.8 And they aren’t alone.

Commitment is a tough sell these days. Americans prize our national and economic independence, but now that mentality has dramatically invaded our social psyche about marriage, and it’s confusing us. We want to be with someone, but don’t want to be really with someone.

Half of U.S. residents are single (whether never married, divorced, or widowed) and nearly one-third of all households have one occupant.9 And yet, we don’t necessarily like being alone. On one hand, we value and cherish marriage—it is still a highly sought-after goal—and yet, we fear the vulnerability it creates. Nearly three generations of people now have suffered under a high divorce rate and many have watched their parents have multiple marital or cohabiting partnerships—and breakups—creating an increasing social fear and distrust of marital relationships. In this collective fear, we’ve drifted toward dating strategies that supply the benefits of marriage while protecting us from potential pain. Essentially we have normalized a variety of dating arrangements, such as cohabitation and “stayover” relationships that allow us to have sex while at the same time hiding from the risks of permanent commitment. Taking off clothes is how one hides. Carelessly, we are hiding naked.

Relationships that make independent togetherness the primary guiding force behind the level of investment from each person remain surface and, ironically, vulnerable. Noted family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.” I say it this way: When I am protecting me from you there can’t be an “us.”

The Blindfold of Sex

The dark hole inside independent togetherness is fear. Sex becomes the hiding place, an external behavior that gives the appearance of intimacy, but is really striving for self-protection. Let’s consider this observation by comparing it to marital sex. One function of marital sex is renewing the emotional bond of the couple and reminding them of their covenant to each other. From within the safety of permanence, the couple is free to engage in sexual touch that sustains and reinforces the specialness and safety of their relationship.

Outside of marriage, sex has a very different function: It creates a pseudo-bond between the couple that blurs the definition of their developing relationship and confuses physical closeness for emotional safety. Couples with little foundation to their relationship can be fooled into thinking they have more in the bank with each other than they really do. Physiologically we can explain it this way: The hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone, facilitates bonding in mammals (e.g., between a mother and her newborn child). It is also released when couples are affectionate and escalates dramatically after orgasm, especially in men. In short, it makes you feel connected even when there is no substance to a relationship. Couples having sex outside of marriage are quite possibly writing checks with their lives based on a bankrupt account. In the end, they get hurt and waste a lot of time on a quick but shallow high.

But then, who cares? At least you have a little fun and don’t open yourself to soul-level rejection that way, right? Wrong.

In a blind act of self-sabotage, sexuality in dating is not viewed by today’s culture as something that contributes to vulnerability; rather, the assumption is that you can enjoy it while maintaining your separateness. You can have your cake and eat it too.

You don’t have to reveal yourself to another.

You don’t have to accommodate your preferences while living in intimate relationship with another.

You don’t risk your accumulated wealth.

You don’t have to lose your independence or identity by getting married.

You don’t have to risk having your child(ren) raised by a stepparent.

And you don’t risk being hurt . . . again.

In short, you can hide naked without consequence.

But this line of thinking is completely faulty. Independent togetherness strategies actually foster pain when what seemed to be real turns out not to be. Sometimes dating couples figure this out and break up (because “he just wasn’t the one”), while other couples don’t realize what has happened until they have already married and discover they really don’t know—or like—each other. Either scenario is completely avoidable.

Courageous Dating

What is needed is the courage to date well (intelligently and romantically) and make a clear decision for marriage so that each person takes responsibility for leaping into the deep end of the pool. There are, of course, no guarantees of long-term marital success. Intimacy is inherently risky. But without the courage to take risks, love will remain a distant dream.

Here are some quick tips to help you avoid an independent togetherness dating arrangement. For more, read my book Dating and the Single Parent.

Date with an eternal purpose in mind. Recognize that one ultimate purpose of marriage is to further disciple us into the image of Christ. This reality should change everything. Pursue relationships that keep you connected to God, not withdrawing from him in shame.

Get healthy. Does your relationship history testify to the presence of fear in your life? Have you settled for independent togetherness relationships in order to “play it safe”? If this section has you examining yourself, take it before the Lord and ask the Spirit to help you to get healthy. Peel away the layers of your emotions and see what the Lord wants to redeem in you so you aren’t paralyzed by it any longer.

Take off the blindfold. If you have been hiding naked in sexuality, it’s time to move back to sexual purity until marriage. Even if you’re in a cohabiting situation and regularly engaging in sex, it’s time to stop. The only way to recover an objective perspective about the health of your relationship—and more important, about your true priorities—is to remove the mirage that sex before marriage produces. This level of obedience is very difficult and at times costly (e.g., increasing couple conflict), but I’ve never known anyone who regretted it (even if the other pulls away in anger because of your obedience—then their true motives have been revealed and you, ironically, are less vulnerable to disappointment).

Maintaining a desire for the best in your dating life—and in your future marriage—starts by trusting that God has your best interests in mind when it comes to his boundaries around sex. God knows what a powerful force our sexuality is. After all, he designed it. By declaring sexual intimacy before marriage a sin, he is not being a simpleton or killjoy; he is trying to protect you from a shallow relationship and personal pain. The only question is, do you trust his motives and his insight? Saving sex till after marriage protects the objectivity of your dating, ripens your commitment to each other, and after marriage becomes a symbol of marital oneness that blossoms into a pleasurable celebration of love. That’s worth waiting for.

Choose to risk, choose to love. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees in love. We live in a fallen world and you and I are fallen, imperfect people. Because of that, being in a loving relationship sometimes hurts. Marriage, to be successful, needs to be an all-in experience. Dating, on the other hand, is progressively moving toward the all-in experience. Each new depth requires a little more openness, a little more trust, a little more risk. To pull up short of the risk required is to revert back to hiding. If you find the relationship unsafe at the new depth, then by all means, pull back. But then again, maybe a lack of willingness to risk has made it seem unsafe.

Knowing when to risk and when to pull back is never easy. One thing is sure: Love that is motivated by self-preservation never matures into selfless love, and independent togetherness dating relationships never find oneness. If you are dating, this is one ghost you must bust.

Conclusion

Marriage is tough under any circumstance. Stepfamily marriages can fall prey to the common issues of escalating conflict over money, sex, and in-laws just like all other marriages, yet it’s the unique stepfamily challenges that are so insidious for many couples. That’s why stepfamily couples must make their relationship a priority and must work harder—and smarter—at their marriage than anyone else.

The above barriers can quickly or subtly destroy a marriage, especially when they work in concert with one another and compound their impact. For example, why would a wife want to make her husband a priority and risk alienating her children when she is haunted by a ghost of mistrust? If she’s not sure her husband will be there in two years, why not stick closer to her kids? After all, they’re not going anywhere. Truly, the risk of marriage is vast. But so are the rewards for those who keep God at the center of their relationship and love like they have nothing to lose.

Questions for Discussion

FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)

If divorced, discussing the topic of marriage with your children could be awkward (e.g., “if God values commitment, why did you guys divorce?”) and bring up hard feelings (e.g., over how the divorce occurred or what life has been like since the divorce). Let me encourage you not to hide from the topic of marriage with your kids; it’s too important that they have your guidance. Give consideration and prayer to how you will address it with them.

In reference to the section on comparing loves, ask your child if they have ever felt loved less than a new stepfamily member. Normalize this feeling while reassuring them of their importance and your love.

In reference to the section on ghost busting before the wedding, engage your older children around social messages about sex before marriage and cohabitation. Teach them about the blindfold that sex before marriage creates.

FOR ALL COUPLES

Discuss your personal relationship with God and your ideas of what a faithful life would look like. In what ways do you need to grow spiritually?

How will your marriage be God-directed? What is your desire for spiritual intimacy?

What insights did this chapter give you about your relationship?

What fears do you have for your children, and how do you most naturally protect them?

What barriers exist because of someone’s allegiance to his or her children? Work to establish trust in a unified direction and plan for handling difficult situations. Don’t put each other in a corner.

Identify and name the ghosts in your marriage. Make a contract to help each other exorcise them from your relationship.

How would you act differently if you had never been hurt before, if you could love like you have nothing to lose?

FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES

While conducting pre-stepfamily counseling, I asked a couple what ghosts might be haunting them. They, like most couples before marriage, quickly dismissed the possibility. “I’ve got a decent relationship with my ex, and he just lets the stuff with his ex roll off his back,” she said. He agreed, “Yeah. I just put things behind me and go on. I don’t let it affect me much.” I doubted that and was soon proven correct.

Within five minutes the couple was arguing about a current issue in which each felt the other was acting like someone from his or her past. The truth is this: We don’t want to believe that previous relationships will impact our future ones, but they do—especially if we deny the ghosts that haunt us. Give careful attention to the following questions and honestly identify your ghosts:

How many years has it been since the ending of any prior significant relationships (whether to death or divorce/breakup)? Assuming you can keep your sexual passions in check, what are the benefits of slowing down your dating and progression toward marriage?

To what degree have you achieved “emotional divorce” with a previous spouse(s) and healing from difficult emotions? (Rate yourself from 1 to 10.)

Have you tried to reconnect with former lost relationships (children and/or extended family)? What has been the result?

How much did you need to be needed when you first began dating?

What scares you about committing again? What ghosts have you identified already?

Are you now or have you in the past tried the “independent togetherness” approach to dating? What wisdom did you see in the “Ghost Busting Before the Wedding” section?

Chapter 6

Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 1)

With the parenting team (co-parenting)

Parenthood is a partnership with God. You are not molding iron nor chiseling marble; you are working with the creator of the universe in shaping human character and determining destiny.

Ruth Vaughn

The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

William James

Divorce doesn’t end family life; it reorganizes it. This foundational truth first communicated in chapter 2 is nowhere more applicable than regarding the roles adults play in raising children in stepfamilies. You may have been reorganized into different households following divorce, but you still must act as a parental team. This is often referred to as co-parenting. To co-parent well you have to get along reasonably well; you may have hated your ex-spouse at the time of the divorce, but now you have to find a way to cooperate with him or her for the sake of your children (it is one of the great ironies of divorce). After all, parenting is about your children’s welfare, development, and spiritual nurturance, not your personal needs. I like to say that parenting is all on behalf of the kids. This does not give you permission to placate, spoil, or cater to your children; rather it means that your parenting decisions, goals, and attitudes—including finding ways to be cordial and cooperative with people you dislike or distrust—need to be oriented around what will benefit your children and increase their desire for the Lord. Most of that last sentence is not difficult for parents—we want what’s best for our kids! It’s the part about dealing with people we dislike that is tough.

When There’s Not Another Home

Not all stepfamilies involve multiple-home situations. If your children don’t travel between homes, feel free to skip this chapter.

In Genesis 21, Sarah refused to consider Hagar or Ishmael as having a place in Abraham’s life. Sarah showed great hostility and selfishness when she insisted that Abraham exclude Ishmael from the inheritance. She was looking out for her son and good old number one. Her actions were driven by fear (of Isaac’s not getting the full blessing from Abraham), anger (because Hagar and Ishmael were mocking Isaac), and jealousy (because Hagar had given Abraham the highly prized firstborn son). But why would she act that way? Didn’t she know what was coming when she encouraged Abraham to give her a child through a union with Hagar (Genesis 16)? Probably not.

Wise Stepparents

Stepparents need to understand the principles of this chapter too because you are part of the parental team in your household; you and your spouse need to find unity in how you relate to and cooperate with the other home.

I suspect neither did Abraham see what was coming. He agreed to the union with Hagar and then found himself stuck between two mothers and the children he loved. Modern-day stepfamilies are different in the sense that a remarried man isn’t married to two women at the same time, but similar in the sense that men in that situation sometimes find themselves trying to cooperate with two women for very different reasons. His motivation to please his wife and cooperate with her around parenting matters is out of his devotion to her (marital and parental motivation) while his motivation to cooperate with his ex-wife is out of his devotion to his children (parental motivation). The problem in Abraham’s situation was that the two mothers had different agendas for their children and their husband. That’s the kind of dynamic that divides co-parents and causes conflict or stress.

Step in Line—With Whom?

I’ve never done it myself, but I’ve seen people line dance. I don’t try it because I have very little coordination, and I would surely throw off the entire group. After all, if I can’t fall in line with others and keep pace with the necessary movements, the effect is lost. The same is true for the adult caregivers in stepfamilies.

There was a time in America when parents had lots of children; today we say children have lots of parents.1 The parenting team is comprised of everyone who shares responsibility for child-rearing tasks. This primarily includes biological parents and stepparents, but might incorporate grandparents, ex-in-laws, stepgrandparents, and extended family members who aid in the child-care process. The more coordinated or unified they are as “line dancers,” the better team they become for the benefit of the children.

Parenting team cooperation is one of the most challenging aspects of stepfamily life. Leftover pain from previous relationships, broken promises, and envy often characterize how ex-spouses and new spouses feel about the adults in the other home. Walls of distrust are built as the bricks of painful emotions and experiences are stacked side by side. Tearing down those walls and setting aside personal agendas for the children’s sake is no easy task. Yet adults in separate homes who successfully create a functional parenting team discover their individual homes blessed with increased harmony.

The two key relationships in the parenting team are the co-parenting relationship between the biological parents and the parent-stepparent relationship. The relationships between the biological parent of the other home and the stepparent (e.g., the mother and stepmother), both stepparents (when each ex-spouse is remarried), and grandparents are generally determined by the health of these two key relationships. Let’s begin by looking at the ex-spouse co-parenting relationship; we’ll examine the parent-stepparent relationship in the next chapter.

Co-Parenting—What’s the Goal?

At a minimum, biological parents should contain their anger and conflict in order to cooperate and compromise on issues of the children’s welfare. At a maximum, the co-parents can strive to enforce similar rules and standards of conduct in each of the children’s homes. Most co-parents find it difficult to accomplish the former; only a few are able to achieve the latter. Nevertheless, co-parents should do everything they can to build cooperation between the two homes.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of this concept in regard to the well-being of children. Research clearly confirms that children successfully adjust to the ending of their parents’ marriage and can fare reasonably well if: (1) parents are able to bring their marital relationship to an end without excessive conflict; (2) children are not put into the middle of whatever conflicts exist; and (3) there is a commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children’s material, physical, educational, emotional, and spiritual welfare.2 Bottom line—children need their parents to work together whether married, divorced, or married to other people.

A healthy co-parent relationship does not mean children will not experience emotional or psychological distress. “Numerous studies document that children who experience parental divorce exhibit more conduct problems, more symptoms of psychological maladjustment, lower academic achievement, more social difficulties, and poorer self-concepts compared with children living in intact, two-parent families.”3 Judith Wallerstein’s longitudinal research discovered that the effects of divorce are often lifelong and traumatic for children.4 Even Mavis Hetherington’s research, which gives hope to parents by pointing out that 80 percent of children from divorced homes eventually adapt to their new life, acknowledges that 20 percent will continuously display impulsive, irresponsible, antisocial behavior, and depression.5

In addition, children face greater levels of family conflict while the stepfamily is integrating (compared to nuclear family children)6 and are at increased risk for developmental behavioral problems, health problems, and substance abuse.7 Stepfamily conflict and ex-spouse conflict have a number of negative effects on children and are contributing factors in all of the following statistics. Children in stepfamilies are less likely to complete high school8 and more likely to have lower educational achievement,9 leave home earlier,10 and cohabit before marriage.11 Finally, it’s worth noting that boys are more affected by divorce, but girls seem to be more affected by remarriage.12

Parents who want to reduce these negative effects on their children should strive to be effective co-parents because it reduces between-home conflict and increases cooperation. Taming your tongue, for example, is critical to cooperating. Scripture notes that the tongue is a small part of the body but that its impact can be severe. “Think about how a small spark can set a big forest on fire” (James 3:5 NIRV). Conflict containment starts with controlling your speech. You cannot be an effective co-parent without doing so.

What Does a Healthy Co-Parent Relationship Look Like?

Here’s a checklist of Healthy Co-Parenting from friend and co-parenting expert Tammy Daughtry for you to consider. (I highly recommend Tammy’s book Co-Parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce.)

The remainder of this chapter will discuss concepts similar to those found in the inventory below.

INDICATORS OF HEALTHY CO-PARENTING13

by Tammy Daughtry, MMFT, CoParenting International

Rate your co-parenting relationship on a scale of 1–5 for each of the following. 1 = Not at all, 2 = Rarely, 3 = Occasionally, 4 = Often, 5 = Always.

___ We give our children the freedom to love both parents.

___ I believe my child’s well-being is directly affected by the quality of relationship I have with their other parent.

___ The transition between our homes is smooth and positive.

___ We discuss and deal with financial matters in a rational way.

___ We intentionally plan out the details of Christmas and other holidays to minimize the stress.

___ We make it possible for our children to love and maintain ties with both extended families.

___ We enjoy being at our children’s functions and are there to enhance our children’s happiness.

___ I think the more functional my relationship is with my ex, the less likely it is that our children will engage in high-risk behaviors.

___ We recognize the developmental stages of our children and let them enjoy their childhood.

___ We take care of responsibilities as adults and do not put pressure on the children to do our jobs.

___ We allow and encourage our children to take specific clothing, toys, and electronic devices between their homes.

___ We encourage our children to have photos of their other parent (and family) in their bedroom.

___ We tell our children it is okay to talk about how much they miss the other parent.

___ I discuss specific parenting strategies with my ex.

___ We speak highly of the other parent to our children, with at least three specific compliments.

___ We prioritize our time with the children and are fully engaged with them and focus on them.

___ We communicate regularly with our co-parent at predesignated meetings or telephone calls.

___ I do not get upset when our child seeks out the other parent after a game or event.

___ We do not allow or utilize the children as messengers or “go-betweens” on anything.

___ We incorporate other friends and activities into our lives to enhance our self-care and happiness.

___ When we are both present at the same event we do not use the opportunity to discuss family business.

___ We are working with our co-parent and stepparents to raise healthy and well-adjusted children.

___ I can see a positive difference in my children as a result of our co-parenting efforts.

___ I know why co-parenting is so vitally important to the well-being of my children and stepchildren.

___ It makes sense to me that the well-being of my children/stepchildren is dependent on the relationship with the other parent(s) involved.

TOTAL POINTS _________

Use the interpretive guide below to gauge your co-parent relationship.

THRIVING CHILDREN (96–125 Points)

Understanding is maximized, which is leading to intentional application of healthy communication and co-parenting strategies. Parental functioning is high and parental conflict is low. The children are becoming happier and better adjusted every day. Their behavior and challenges are typical of other children of similar age, race, and socioeconomic background. These children are thriving in their developmental stages emotionally and physically, and the parents are doing the hard work of parenting without putting them in the middle.

STRUGGLING CHILDREN (71–95 points)

Understanding and application are minimal but co-parenting function is being enhanced by regular communication. Increasing the quality of communication will have a significant effect in reducing the children’s anxiety. There is still a high level of parentification (children thrust into parental roles) taking place as well as noticeable conflict in the ongoing co-parenting efforts. The children are hurting due to exposure to and involvement in adult matters that they are not developmentally prepared to deal with. Put simply, they need the adults to do the “parent stuff” so they can just be kids.

DISTRESSED CHILDREN (0–70 points)

Lack of communication, understanding, and application is leading to high levels of stress in both households and high levels of anxiety in the children. Quite often these conditions lead to emotional distress and produce unwanted and unhealthy behaviors in the children. These “acting out” or withdrawal responses are not simple ploys for attention but cries for help from fearful, anxious hearts who don’t know how to process or express what they are going through.

Now that you’ve analyzed your co-parenting from an adult point of view, I’ll let the children explain what a functional co-parental relationship means in practical, everyday terms from a child’s viewpoint.

Julie, twelve, complained in a therapy session that she couldn’t invite both her parents to her music recital. “If they both come they’ll just scowl every chance they get. I tried inviting them both last year, and Mom wouldn’t speak to me for two days because Dad brought Amy with him. She refuses to be in the same room with them.” Julie has had to learn to take turns inviting her mom and dad. Unfortunately, this put her in constant turmoil as she was forced to choose which parent she would invite to certain events. If the other wanted to come but wasn’t invited, Julie heard that parent’s disappointment and felt guilty. “Why can’t they just put aside their differences and tolerate a couple of hours in the same room?” Good question.

Because Terrance’s parents always ended up fighting on the phone, he became the middleman to their visitation arrangements. His mother stopped speaking to his father and asked Terrance, at age nine, to communicate her preferences for drop-off and pick-up. Terrance had no choice but to oblige, since he enjoyed spending time with his father on weekends.

In both these examples, children carried undue emotional anxiety and burden because their parents could not set aside their differences and be adults. An effective co-parent arrangement for Julie’s parents would mean she could invite both parents to her recitals and not worry that they were fighting or anxious. An effective arrangement for Terrance’s parents would include their finding a way to talk rationally about their schedules instead of triangulating Terrance. What you’re striving for is a system that allows children to be children and adults to be their parents.

Co-parenting does not mean sharing all decisions about the children or that either home is accountable to the other for their choices, rules, or standards. Each household should be autonomous but share responsibility for the children. It also does not mean that rules or punishment from one home cross over to the other home.

Karen sought therapy in part because her ex-husband, Ted, refused to carry out the consequences she imposed on their children. In one instance, her teenage son lied about his homework, so she grounded him from weekend activities. The scheduled visitation meant her son would be going to his dad’s house that weekend, so she called her ex to ask him to honor the punishment and keep their son home on Friday and Saturday nights. Ted refused, saying that was his only time with his son and he wasn’t obligated to fulfill her decisions. That angered Karen, and she hoped the therapist could intervene and get Ted to cooperate. Karen was right to ask for Ted’s cooperation. But since he refused, she would have to let it go. Karen’s therapist explained that if her son was grounded, she should wait until he came back to her home to carry out the punishment. Her home is within her control. Ted’s home is not.

You might be thinking, But at the beginning of the chapter you said that co-parents should strive to enforce similar rules and cooperate regarding the children. Didn’t that obligate Ted to honor her request? Yes, I did say that between-home cooperation, even to the point of carrying out the other home’s punishment, is a goal some co-parents obtain. However, that does not obligate either side to do so. If you achieve this level of cooperation, great. If the other home refuses, follow through in your home and move on.

Incidentally, this control issue between Karen and Ted was nothing new. It was as old as their failed marriage. Remember, divorce doesn’t end the dynamics of family relationships; it merely reorganizes them into separate households. Well into divorce most ex-spouses are still trying to change, control, or influence their ex in the same manner they did before they divorced. They are still emotionally invested in what their ex does and how they do it. Letting go of control is tough, but it helps co-parents respect each other’s boundaries and, ironically, work better as a team.

Children Living in Two “Countries”

Let’s examine stepfamily life from the child’s point of view. Children in stepfamilies live in two “countries.”14 They hold citizenship in each country and are, therefore, invested in the quality of life found in both. The parenting team should do everything they can to help children thrive and enjoy each of their two homes. But living in two countries does require some adjustments.

Shortly after my wife and I married, we went with my parents to Kenya for a brief missionary effort. My parents continued to lead an annual trip to Kenya for about seventeen years, coordinating volunteers’ mission efforts in East Africa. What I remember most about going to Kenya is the radical change in culture that we experienced. Clothing was different, social customs seemed odd, the economy and systems of government were unknown to us—we even had to learn to drive on the left side of the road. Despite all these shifts in customs, ritual behaviors, and rules of conduct, we learned to adapt quite quickly. Because my parents returned to Kenya year after year, the changes grew more predictable for them and, therefore, were not as awkward as our first trip together. But they always experienced an adjustment period when traveling between countries. One year my father returned to the U.S. and began driving on the left side of the road. The oncoming traffic abruptly reminded him of the change in driving system!

You can see the parallel with children living in two homes. At first, the fact that the two countries have different rules, customs, and expectations may require an extended adjustment. Later, when the territory is familiar, only a brief adjustment time is required, especially when the rules and expectations are predictable.

Can you imagine what travel for my parents would have been like if Kenya and the United States had been at war? Getting on a plane and heading to the “other side,” even to do mission work, would have been considered treason. And once they landed, they would have been met with anger and rage as co-workers protested how awful the other country was because of their wartime tactics. How would my parents function under that kind of stress? How would they cope with the external pressures to choose an allegiance to one side or the other? Every comment and criticism would be loaded with a battle for their loyalty, and trust would be defeated at every turn. And what if they decided to be ambassadors between the warring governments—would they have a voice? Depending on how suspicious the governments were and how convinced they were that the other side would never change, their attempts to bring peace would likely fail. What a losing position to be caught in.

Part-Time Stepfamilies

Be careful not to take it personally when part-time children forget your household rules. At times this is intentional, but much of the time it is force of habit; they are used to doing things a different way. Offer a gentle reminder and follow through to reorient them to your way of doing things.

An old African proverb says, “When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.” Biological parents who fight and refuse to cooperate are trampling on their most prized possession—their children. Elephants at war are totally unaware of what is happening to the grass, for they are far too consumed with the battle at hand. Little do they know how much damage is being done.

Researcher James Bray has confirmed what many therapists have believed for years. When one parent speaks negatively about a child’s other biological parent, the child internalizes the comment. In other words, “a child who hears a parent attacked thinks, in some way, he is also being attacked.”15 A simple comment like, “Your father is late again. He can be so irresponsible,” cuts the child as well as the parent. If the child is ever late for anything, she knows (or thinks she knows) how you feel about her. In addition, a negative comment subtly invites children to agree with the comment, which children hate to do. It implies they are choosing one parent over the other, and that brings guilt. Because of the internalized negativity and guilt over having to choose sides, Bray goes on to suggest that the child will eventually act out such hurt and anger in some destructive behavior. I say you can count on it.

What Kids Are Thinking

Said to a stepdad: “I can criticize my dad’s poor behavior, but how dare you do that!”

Are you making a POW swap every other weekend? How often do you trample your children’s loyalties to the other country in an effort to persuade them to remain faithful to you? How has your new stepfamily affected the amount of time children have in the other home? As citizens of two countries, your children should be privileged to all the rights, relationships, and responsibilities of each of those homes. Your job is to be at peace with the other country so your children can travel back and forth in security.

Loyalty Conflicts for Children

Understanding loyalty conflicts and striving as a co-parenting team to alleviate excessive loyalty concerns is important to children’s emotional well-being after divorce. Even in the best of circumstances, children feel caught between their biological parents and often feel as though they are in an emotional tug-of-war.

Parents implicitly ask their children to “choose” and, therefore, put children in a no-win tug-of-war when they

badmouth the other parent or household

comment on or compare living conditions

invade the other home’s time with the kids with constant text messages, phone calls, or showing up at private family activities

cast blame on the other household for financial pressures or emotional pain

ask for the child’s time when it takes time away from the other parent

coax the child into not visiting his/her other parent until child support payments are made or custody time is renegotiated

make children feel guilty for enjoying the people in the other home

refuse to listen to their happy stories of life in the other home

All of these situations, and many more, teach children to take their emotions underground and train them to play the game of “keep everyone happy by making them think I love them most.” Children who internalize this tug-of-war become depressed, discouraged, self-destructive, and unmotivated. Children who externalize their pain become angry and oppositional, have behavior problems, and may turn violent.

Children simply want to be connected to the people they love—no strings attached. The messages adults give children that attempt to gain their loyalty in effect are strings. The goal of the string often is to mend the emotional wounds carried by parents. If your son seems to prefer you to his mother, it somehow affirms your wounded heart (not really, it just feels like it). This turns your son into an emotional Band-Aid. If his preference for you satisfies your deep desire for revenge against the woman who ended your marriage and broke your heart, your child has become a toy soldier, fighting your emotional war. Be careful not to let your wounded heart influence you to subtly and nonverbally elicit your son’s allegiance. Children lose when they are made the caretakers of wounded parents. Parents should find ways to soothe their pain through their relationship with God and others. You may need help from a therapist, minister, or trusted friend, but never turn your child into your emotional healer.

The binds children feel sometimes create an unhealthy preference for one parent, usually the most distant or under-functioning parent. Boys, for example, often identify with an unavailable father to the dismay of their mother and stepfather. I’ve often had stable, responsible parents (and stepparents) ask why their child seems to prefer time with the noncustodial parent, who is an irresponsible drunk. Others wonder why their kids desire to be with a parent who shows no real desire to be with them. “We are good to my kids,” one mother said. “My husband is good to them; we provide a financially stable home and a healthy environment. Why do they worry about their dad so much?”

Again, the caretaker dynamic applies. Children are often pulled into a helper role with a parent who needs help. Someone, it feels to the children, has to take care of Dad—even if he is a drunk—or he’ll have no one. In effect, the irresponsible behavior of the father functions as an invitation to the children to be his emotional Band-Aid. Children are easily drawn into this protective role. Further, they may become harsh toward the high-functioning biological parent and frequently are harsh toward the stepparent. To enjoy time with a stepfather when your dad is alone and sad at home feels to some children to be disloyal. This struggle not to cause the under-functioning parent more pain is accentuated if he tells the children not to “call that man Daddy” or if he criticizes the stepdad in any way. The message is, “I can’t stand for you to love him and care for him—take care of me by not honoring him.” One five-year-old demonstrated his bind rather well when he asked his stepmother, “Can I love you when I’m here at Daddy’s house and hate you when I’m at Mommy’s house?”

There is something completely upside-down when parents rely on children to make themselves feel okay. If you find yourself guilty of placing your children in an emotional tug-of-war, please begin to alter your messages to them and take them out of the middle. You can only trample grass so long before it ceases to grow. Here are some suggestions:

Acknowledge to your children your improper reliance on them. Communicate your desire to do better in the future.

Make a list of ways you have inadvertently burdened your children. Then for each improper tactic, plan a more appropriate response. For example: Talking to the kids about your job frustrations and worries is improper. Focus conversations on their activities and interests; assure them of your competency; consult with a career counselor. (A chart in the discussion questions at the end of the chapter helps you develop your new responses.)

Affirm your children for who they are, not how they care for you.

Look to God for strength and wisdom as you discover how to heal the wounds of your heart. Remember that he is Jehovah-Rophe, “the LORD who heals you.” (See Exodus 15:26.)

Begin to connect with friends and counselors who can help you heal.

Shy away from dating relationships that fill your emptiness. Remarriages that develop as two people rescue each other from painful pasts have difficulty long term. Get well before dating someone new.

Adolescents, Loyalty, and Living With the Other Parent

Stepping in line with the parenting team means understanding the developmental decisions adolescents often face. For many reasons teenagers may not welcome the birth of a stepfamily. One reason is the pressure that is put on them to bond with new family members at a time when they are trying to move away from the family.

Adolescence is a developmental passage in our society when children become young adults striving for increasing levels of autonomy and independence. It is a time of testing values and rules, of building a distinctive identity, and an opportunity to gain decision-making power. All of these developmental forces are moving teenagers away from parental control and away from the family.

Eager stepparents who are bonding quite well with younger children sometimes complain that they don’t have sufficient access to the adolescent children. The message teens hear is an expectation that rivals their efforts for independence. Parents and stepparents alike should, again, relax and not force a level of participation or acceptance from adolescent children. Realize they may be stepping back for many reasons. Maintain a Crockpot mentality and enjoy the bonding experience with younger children, while allowing teens to keep their main interests outside the family.

Striving for independence and identity formation is also expressed when teens begin wondering what it would be like to live with the other parent. Some 20 percent of adolescents will move in with their nonresidential parent during the teen years. What to them is further exploration into their history and family background can be easily taken as rejection by parents. “I’m afraid of how Mom will react if I tell her I want to live with Dad,” is a statement I’ve heard from numerous teenagers. “It’s not that I don’t like being with her, I just want to know my dad a little better.”

Understanding this struggle for teens is important for parents because teens have been known to generate family conflict in order to be sent to the other home out of parent frustration. High conflict levels are not fun for anyone, but they seem to be less guilt inducing for teens than facing a parent who feels rejected after a request to live in the other home. Is conflict a good result? No. Is conflict the lesser of two evils for the adolescent? Yes. Show your children that you are emotionally strong enough to listen to their needs, even if it means a loss for you.

Unquestionably, some teens threaten to live in the other home as a way of gaining power. “Fine, I’ll just go live with Mom,” is a great trump card to a parent who fears losing another battle to an ex-spouse. Parents cannot afford to be manipulated by a teen’s threats. If you find yourself in this situation, seek outside help immediately. You will need help deciding how to respond.

In all the above circumstances, consider the individual growth needs of your teenagers. Be considerate of adolescents’ strivings for independence and don’t force them to give up their social life to bond with new family members. Be discerning about adolescents’ desire to live in the other home and let them know that you would entertain a conversation about such a change if ever they desire it. Undoubtedly, watching them go will tear open your heart. But this isn’t about you, remember? It’s all about the kids.

Some Important Reminders for Co-Parents

1. Unless systematic parental alienation is taking place, you will never lose your children’s affections, so relax about the bonds they are making with stepfamily members in the other home. Blood is very, very thick and nearly impossible to dilute. Your children will not forget about you just because they have a new, rich, and/or entertaining stepparent. You have to intentionally be a royal jerk over an extended period of time before your children will consider turning their back on you. Don’t worry or compete with the other household for loyalty; you already have it. (If alienation is taking place, see the section at the end of this chapter.)

2. Never make children regret having affections for the other home. Remember that they have citizenship there, and forcing a loyalty battle only destroys them. Children need your permission to love their other biological parent, and they need to see your psychological stability as they do so. Your permission helps to take them out of the emotional tug-of-war and relieves the pressure to take care of you. They also need your acceptance of the relationship they carve out with their stepparent. A stepparent cannot replace you, so don’t force a competition. In fact, the more comfortable you are with the children’s relationships in the other home, the more likely it is that they will honor you (and your new spouse). Respect given is respect returned. Said another way, permission connects, but possessiveness divides.

3. Relax and let your children open the circle of insiders to include your new spouse at their own pace. Some children will do so more quickly than others (more on this dynamic later), but don’t try to push your spouse in or force your children to allow him or her in. You can find ways of getting along long before stepparents become welcomed family members.

4. If you have children who are protecting an under-functioning parent, do not try to force them away from the other parent. While your desire to remove your child’s need to rescue is valid, coaching the child away from the other parent feels to the child like a betrayal. Your child may resent you for standing in the way of his relationship. Listen to his worries and affirm his concerns: “I can tell you are worried about your dad. You’re afraid he is going to lose another job, huh? Tell me what you are thinking you should do.” Express concern and gently help them to decide what their boundaries with the other parent should be.

Also, don’t feel the need to protect the children from the other parent’s actions. Many parents try to preserve the child’s opinion of the other parent by covering or explaining negative behavior. This generally puts you in the middle of the child’s angry feelings. Help your older children and adolescents to ask the other parent why he or she didn’t keep a promise or to explain unhealthy decisions. This empowers children in their relationship. Protecting hides the truth. Children can cope with a parent’s actions if they know what to expect, so try not to sugarcoat the truth.16

Guidelines for Co-Parents

The following are guidelines that will help you to help your children move back and forth between their two homes. All co-parents should seek to live according to these guidelines.17 Consider how you might make each a reality in your situation. Remember that you are responsible for your contribution to how you and your ex interact. Change your part of the interaction even if you believe your ex-spouse is to blame for the negative exchanges that have occurred in the past.

1. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. Agree that each parent has a right to privacy, and do not intrude in his or her life. Make space for different parenting styles and rules, as there are many healthy ways to raise children. Do not demean the other’s living circumstances, activities, dates, or decisions, and give up the need to control your ex’s parenting style. If you have concerns, speak directly to the other parent (see Borrow a Script and Stick to It, later in this chapter).

2. Schedule a regular (weekly to monthly) “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters. You can address schedules, academic reports, behavioral training, and spiritual development. Do not discuss your personal life (or your ex’s); that part of your relationship is no longer appropriate. If the conversation turns away from the children, simply redirect the topic or politely end the meeting. If you cannot talk with your ex face-to-face due to conflict, use email, text, or speak to their voice mail. Do what you can to make your meetings productive for the children. Learn more about the structure of T.E.A.M.M. meetings in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

3. Never ask your children to be spies or tattletales on the other home. This places them in a loyalty bind that brings great emotional distress. In fact, be happy when they enjoy the people in their new home. (“I’m glad you enjoy fishing with your stepdad.”) If children offer information about life in the other home, listen and stay neutral in your judgment.

4. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them to explore their feelings without trying to sway their opinions with your own. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones.

5. Children should have everything they need in each home. Don’t make them bring basic necessities back and forth. Special items, like clothes or a comforting teddy bear, can move back and forth as needed.

6. Try to release your hostility toward the other parent so that the children can’t take advantage of your hard feelings. Manipulation is much easier when ex-spouses don’t cooperate.

7. Do not disappoint your children with broken promises or by being unreliable. Do what you say you will do, keep your visitation schedule as agreed, and stay active in their lives.

8. Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement. Update the other party when changes need to be made to the visitation schedule. Also, inform the other parent of any change in job, living arrangements, or other situation that may require an adjustment by the children.

9. If you plan to hire a baby-sitter for more than four hours while the children are in your home, give the other parent first right to that time.

10. Suggest that younger children take a favorite toy or game as a transitional object. This can help them make the transition and to feel more comfortable in the other home.

11. Regarding children who visit for short periods of time or spend time in another home:

• Sometimes it is tempting to only do “special activities” when all of the children are with you for fear that some children may feel that they aren’t as special as others. Do special things with differing combinations of children (it’s all right if someone occasionally feels disappointed he or she wasn’t able to go).

• When other children come for visitation, let the lives of those living with you remain unaltered as much as possible.

• Keep toys and possessions in a private spot, where they are not to be touched or borrowed unless the owner gives permission (even while they are in the other home).

12. Help children adjust when going to the other home:

• If the children will go on vacation while in the other home, find out what’s on the agenda. You can help your kids pack special items and needed clothing.

• Provide the other home with information regarding your child’s changes. A switch in preferences (regarding music, clothes, hairstyles, foods, etc.) or physical/cognitive/emotional developments can be significant. Let the other home know what is different before the child arrives.

• When receiving children, give them time to unpack, relax, and settle in. Try not to overwhelm them at first with plans, rules, or even special treatment. Let them work their way in at their own pace.18

13. If you and your ex cannot resolve a problem or change in custody or visitation, agree to problem solving through mediation rather than litigation.

Top 10 Things Kids Wish They Could Say to Their Divorced Parents

Tammy Daughtry, MMFT CoParenting International

Don’t say mean things about my other parent—I want and need to love you both!

When you criticize my other parent it makes me angry at YOU!

Don’t make me pick who I want to spend time with—it’s not fair and I will get hurt if you do that. And don’t “keep track” of my time like I’m “on the clock.” It can’t always be 100 percent fair. Please just love me when we are together and don’t make me feel bad about not spending the same amount of time with each of you.

Handle your financial conversations in private—I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to be your messenger.

Don’t use money to win my love—be a stable and loving parent and I will love you no matter who has the “most” money.

Don’t keep me from seeing the other parent—if you do, I’ll grow up and resent you.

Get a counselor to help you with your problems—I need you to be strong and stable for my well-being. I don’t want to hear about your dating and your disappointments. I don’t want to hear about your problems at work or how much we are struggling financially. Talk to someone else. I need you to be my parent and mentor and lead me in the way you want me to grow up. Don’t make me be YOUR parent.

The harder you make it on my other parent, the harder you are making it on me.

Laugh and smile—I want to enjoy my life, and your mood impacts my mood. Find a way to be happy and enjoy your life—I need to have fun and enjoyable memories with you.

Don’t forget that I have a divided heart now and I live between two completely different houses, rules, traditions and attitudes. Be patient with me when I forget things or need some time to adjust from house to house. Please buy me enough stuff that I don’t have to live out of a suitcase my whole life. If you want me to feel “at home” in both places, please set up a full home for me, even if I am only there a few days a month. Things like toothbrushes, shoes, clothes, my favorite cereal, and having cool décor in my room—these all help me feel welcomed and “at home” in both homes. Don’t compete or argue about these things, just help me not to feel like a visitor when I am with either parent. Make it as easy on ME as possible!19

Building the Co-Parental Relationship

“Now we know what we’re trying to accomplish as co-parents, but how do we get there?” is one question I’m often asked. Another is “Sounds great to me—I’d love to have that kind of relationship with my children’s parent. But he won’t try. Everything I do always backfires or gets sabotaged. What can I do about that?” Believe me, I understand, it takes two to make any cooperative relationship work. Nevertheless, do what you can. (Notice: Rarely does someone admit that he or she contributes to a difficult co-parent relationship. Pointing the finger of blame is always easier; we are usually blind to how we contribute to the difficulties.) This section will help you understand the emotional issues at play and provide practical ideas for building a better co-parental relationship. Please know that some situations require a different set of rules. If the other home has systematically alienated you from the child’s life, the rules of engagement change. More will be said about the extreme circumstances of parent alienation at the end of this chapter.

Dissolving the Marital Bond/Retaining the Parental One

As you attempt to build or strengthen your co-parent relationship, it may be helpful to understand the emotional tasks of ending your previous marital relationship while still maintaining your parental one. When a man and woman marry, they form a husband-wife relationship. Later, when children are brought into the marriage, the same two people form yet another relationship. This father-mother relationship is focused on the partnership of raising a child, while the husband-wife relationship is based on romantic love, companionship, and sexuality. The boundary between these two types of relationship is blurred and weak. For example, most couples are well aware of how disagreements over discipline or which values to teach children can easily turn into marital rifts that pit husband against wife. What starts out as a parental issue quickly becomes a marital issue.

“My husband’s ex-wife relies on him too much. What do I do?”

Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

The challenge for couples after divorce is to dissolve their marital relationship while retaining their parental one. This is a terribly difficult task to accomplish for most people. In effect, the couple redefines their relationship to one of parents only (partners trying to raise a child), not lovers. This is especially difficult when old buttons get pushed and past marital pain is resurrected through parental disagreement. Unless ex-spouses actively set aside their previous marital agendas, they will easily fall back into personal attacks and manipulative ploys. Again the elephants start fighting, and the grass gets trampled.

How many times have you heard of someone withholding visitation to a former spouse because the ex is a little behind with child-support payments? In effect, one parent holds a child hostage until the child-support ransom is paid. “But you don’t understand. My ex was always irresponsible with money and is selfish even today. The only reason he doesn’t pay is because he can’t stand to part with material things.” So you’re going to change him by withholding his children? Does that sound like an old marital issue that’s supposed to be buried in a grave somewhere, or a parental one?

Putting to death the old marital bond with all its pain, power, and privilege is difficult. Yet it is just what the doctor ordered for effective co-parenting to begin. Separate your marital past from your parental present and there will be less conflict between you. (For a specific example of this in action, see “Letting the Bullet Bounce” later in this chapter.)

Ex-Spouses: What’s Your Type?

Family researcher Constance Ahrons has identified five types of ex-spouse relationships. Consider her descriptions and see where you and your ex fit.

Perfect Pals: These couples are high interactors/high communicators, and comprised just 12 percent of the research sample. Even though these couples were divorced, their friendship behaviors continued. They still considered themselves good friends, spoke once or twice a week, and were interested in each other’s lives. They remained connected with family and old friends. Not many of these couples remained in this category, but moved on to less cooperative relationships. Also, five years after their divorce they had not recoupled with new partners. (Indeed, it’s difficult to establish a new relationship while holding on to a former spouse.)

What Kids of Perfect Pals Are Thinking

It’s weird. My parents get along better now that they’re divorced. I’m not sure why they divorced.

Cooperative Colleagues: These moderate interactors/high communicators represented 38 percent of the research sample. While not considering each other best friends, these couples did cooperate quite well around issues that concerned the children. Some talked frequently, others minimally. For the most part, they were able to compromise when it came to dividing up time with the children. In handling conflict, they usually didn’t end up in vicious battles, but resolved issues or avoided them. A common denominator for these couples was the ability to compartmentalize their relationship; that is, they separated out issues related to their marital relationship from those related to their parenting relationship. Their desire to provide the best situation for their children took precedence over their personal issues.

What Kids of Cooperative Colleagues Are Thinking

These kids think nothing of being connected to family members in both homes or engaging with one home while with the other. They are blessed with permission from each parent to enjoy the other: “Mom, I’ll miss you this weekend, but I’m really looking forward to the camping trip with Dad and Sharon.”

Angry Associates: These moderate interactors/low communicators (25 percent of the sample) communicated only to make plans for their children and usually got angry doing so. Conflict was the major issue for these couples. Unlike cooperative colleagues, they were not able to compartmentalize their anger, but found it spreading to most aspects of their interaction.

What Kids of Angry Associates Are Thinking

Careful not to give either parent cause for eruption, these kids are calculating and anxious about what might upset their parents: “Dad, I’m sure Mom didn’t mean anything by it . . .”

Fiery Foes: These low interactors/low communicators made up about 25 percent of the sample. Fiery describes these ex-spouses well. They communicate very little and when they do, it usually ends up in a fight. Legal battles over the kids and highly litigious divorce proceedings are common, with each deepening their anger toward each other.

What Kids of Fiery Foes Are Thinking

These kids display a wartime vigilance as they monitor their parents’ hostilities and try to prevent combat. Never at rest, they’re usually depressed, withdrawn, or highly anxious. They think, I’ll just skip my birthday this year. That will cause fewer problems.

Dissolved Duos: These ex-spouse pairs stop contact entirely. It is common for one ex-spouse to move away and maintain little or no contact. There is no two-household arrangement here; it is truly a single-parent family.20

What Kids of Dissolved Duos Are Thinking

“Why did my dad leave? What is it about me that he doesn’t like?”

Did you find your type or the one that most aptly describes your current ex-spouse relationship? What type are your new spouse and his or her ex? Which of these types should co-parents strive for? Cooperative Colleagues works best. If you look closely at the description, you can see why: They have the ability to compartmentalize personal issues relating to their marriage and parenting issues relating to their children. They are able to dissolve their marital issues while continuing to work together as parents. They simply don’t allow old marital junk to spoil their ability to cooperate.

What if you find yourself an Angry Associate or a Fiery Foe? Take control of yourself and make changes to your part of the relationship. Improving your ex-spouse relationship, even if you have an “impossible” ex, is not completely out of your control. You can always—and God expects you to—control yourself and not give in to anger or pain. Yet the obstacles for some are many. Let me offer some tools to help you to be a Cooperative Colleague.

Spoiled Leftovers From the Past: Coping With Anger, Hurt, and Guilt

Relational attachments come in many shapes and sizes. The highest attachment is, of course, selfless covenant love. What surprises most people is the realization that hurt, anger, and guilt can tie two people together as tightly as love.21 The root of such attachments is pain; it binds people together in disharmony. Even more surprising is the realization that conflict, bitterness, and control are the umbilical cords through which anger and guilt stay alive. As criticism and defensiveness pass back and forth between ex-spouses, hurt and the bond of disharmony are kept alive. One of the greatest ironies of bitterness is that it imprisons you with the person who hurt you. Over time you actually contribute to your own pain and misery.

If you are the leavee (your ex left you), you probably feel more anger, rejection, and hurt. If you cannot set this aside and compartmentalize your feelings, you can easily spoil the co-parental relationship. If you were the leaver (you initiated the divorce), you may feel guilt over your actions, especially when you see your children’s pain. You may find it difficult to separate from your decision and fully invest in your present stepfamily situation, in which case your new spouse may feel insecure with your commitment, and your stepchildren may feel rejected by you. Your guilt may even lead you to keep your ex-spouse from being angry with you. For example, some feel obligated to their ex and go out of their way to accommodate him/her regarding money, time schedules, or taking care of maintenance tasks for their ex-spouse’s home. For both the leavee and the leaver, whether you feel rejection or guilt, your pain is dictating your responses. You are locked in a prison cell of pain, and your continued negative interaction is keeping the key beyond your reach.

Leavee or Leaver?

Rarely do our actions or experiences fit nicely into categories like these. In truth, you are probably some of both—a part of you was left and a part of you participated in the leaving. Recognize each aspect and take responsibility for it.

Learning to Forgive

So what do you do? How do you let go of the old marital hurt so you can cooperate as co-parents? Let it go with forgiveness. I know this is where I’ll lose some of you. Your back is already bowed, your blood pressure is going up, and you want to close the book. “After what he did to me, how dare you suggest I forgive?” One woman heard me discussing the necessity of forgiveness as a tool to improve co-parent relationships, and she was offended. She called to say, “My ex left me for another woman and now she is my kids’ stepmother. There’s no way I can forgive him for that and I won’t accept her place with my children.” As she talked further I could tell that she was intentionally trying to badmouth the stepmother to her children, since she broke up their family.

Please understand, I don’t make the suggestion to forgive lightly, nor do I believe it an easy task. I was a crisis counselor after the Westside School shooting in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and for years after worked with a number of the families who were so painfully impacted by that event. Never have I seen such pain or crying out to God. Never have I felt so inadequate as a therapist. My passion for those who lost so much on March 24, 1998, would not allow me to flippantly urge them to “forgive and move on.” To discount the value of lives lost in such a way would be reprehensible. Yet acknowledgment of a loving God who cares deeply about our losses and the ability to offer forgiveness to the two young boys who perpetrated the tragedy eventually became the backbone of healing for those whom I counseled.

Your pain is real too, and your anger may be completely justified. Yet you can’t be for your stepfamily everything God calls you to be if you’re carrying around a burden of anger, hurt, and guilt.

Forgiveness is an unnatural act of a will that has been shaped and molded by a forgiving God. There is nothing human about it. Forgiveness doesn’t restore the broken relationship or repair the emotional damage done. It simply writes it off. And it only becomes practically possible to us when we realize what God has forgiven us. Even after having his debt canceled by his master, the unmerciful servant of Matthew 18:21–35 was not able to cancel the debt owed him by a fellow servant because he didn’t fully appreciate his gift of forgiveness. Paul reminds us in Colossians 2:13–14 that while we were dead in our sins, God made us alive with Christ. “God made [you] alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” Only when we realize what stood between us and God (our sinfulness) and how God removed that through the cross, can we ever realistically apply forgiveness to that which stands between us and another person. Be humbled by the magnitude of your forgiven debt and you’ll discover that the unnatural act of forgiving is possible.

New Spouses and Secondary Pain

After hearing stories and seeing the negative consequences of a former spouse’s behavior, new spouses (stepparents) who were not direct recipients of hurtful actions can still find themselves angry at their spouse’s former spouse. This “secondary pain” deserves to be acknowledged and forgiven.

Some Practical Observations About Forgiveness22

Forgiveness begins with a decision. Saying the words “I forgive Lisa for abandoning me and our family” starts a process of forgiveness. The challenge, then, becomes living that choice. Please know that emotional release—a letting go of pain and hurt—follows the intellectual decision to forgive, not the other way around.

Choose to forgive one offense at a time. All too often we face a mountain of hurt that cannot be overcome. Make a list of the boulders that comprise that mountain and strive to forgive them individually. Take it in manageable pieces.

Communicating your forgiveness is optional. For some, relief comes just by having made a personal decision to forgive. Others need to communicate their decision to bring closure to the process. Do what is best in your situation.

Forgiveness and accountability are not mutually exclusive. We can forgive someone and still hold him or her accountable for his or her actions (not for revenge or personal gain). For example, you can forgive an ex-spouse for driving drunk with your children in the car, but you don’t have to then subject your children to future possible harm. Work with your ex and/or the court system to ensure safety (e.g., another person must be present when driving) until your ex demonstrates more responsible behavior.

Forgiveness takes one; trust and reconciliation takes two. Mercy can be extended to someone without reestablishing trust. Many resist forgiveness because they believe they will be forced into making themselves vulnerable to the other person again. If a bank employee steals from a bank, he can be forgiven and still not be given his job back. There is nothing wrong with learning from your past experience with someone and protecting yourself or others from hurt. Just check your motives.

Forgiveness is empowering. Holding on to hurt and pain enslaves us to the person who hurt us. Conflict and bitterness keep our hurt alive. The result is a helpless victim. Have you ever been guilty of constantly blaming your poor life circumstances on someone else? That’s what victims do—constantly complain about how others have ruined their life. In doing so, victims alleviate themselves from personal responsibility for the condition of their life.

Forgiveness moves us from victim to empowered victor. It breaks the chains of imprisonment and severs the umbilical cord that gave life to the pain. When you forgive, you no longer have to react to the other out of pain, but have free choice to decide the best course of action. For example, an ex-spouse might continue to act as a Fiery Foe, but you do not have to return fire (as in the past). Forgiveness is the key that opens your prison cell door. Ex-concentration camp victim Corrie ten Boom said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”

While forgiveness is fresh on your mind, take a moment and complete this action point: Write brief answers to the following questions.

What offenses or leftovers from the past are you carrying with you? (Make a list.)

Which of these can you decide to forgive today?

Decide how you will continue to struggle with forgiving the remaining items.

What personal acts do you need to repent of, release to God, or seek forgiveness for?

Learn How to Invite Cooperation

Some parents, after reading this material, can simply call their ex-spouse, share this book, and have a rational meeting to discuss how they might better implement the Guidelines for Co-Parents (earlier in this chapter). If that is within your power, by all means set up the meeting soon. Angry Associates and Fiery Foes, however, will understandably fear a face-to-face meeting, believing it will erupt into World War III.

“You just don’t understand. My ex is a jerk and won’t listen to anything I say. If I mail her a copy of your book she’ll throw it away. I have no control over her attitude.” True, you have no control over your ex’s attitude, but you may have some influence. Years ago I wrote “An Open Letter to Parents Who Are Divorced.” It was designed to remind parents of their vital role and invite ex-spouses to consider how they might better cooperate. I had no idea how useful and productive the letter would be to angry, fiery co-parents.

Here’s the plan. The letter is now available online (find it at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/open-letter). Send the link to your ex-spouse with this written or verbal message: “I have been reading a book on stepfamily life and co-parenting. The author of the book recommended that I share this with you; otherwise, I wouldn’t impose. I also want you to know that I’ve realized I have been violating a few of these principles and am committing myself to do better. Specifically, I’ve noticed that I am guilty of [provide two examples of mistakes you have made and what you intend to do next time. For instance, you could say, “I shouldn’t cut into your visitation time by bringing the kids over past five p.m. I’m sorry. My new goal is to be on time, every time. Also, I’m going to stop saying negative things about your new husband. I now see that that puts the kids in a tight spot.”] I appreciate your time. [sign your name]”

There are, of course, no guarantees that sending the letter will create immediate change; you are simply trying to open the door to change. To that end, be sure not to send the link with a message like “Boy, do you need to read this. You’re a terrible co-parent and it’s tearing up our kids.” Obviously, this will re-ignite your battles and close the door to change. Admit your mistakes without asking your ex to evaluate his or her parenting. Admit your failings with no strings attached. This quietly invites the other parent to consider his or her own behavior without pressure from you. Above all, keep the goal in mind, do your part, and pray that the Lord will soften your ex-spouse’s heart.

Should You Admit Mistakes in Writing?

Those of you in Fiery Foe, highly litigious circumstances may not want to admit mistakes in writing because it may be twisted and used against you in court. Just leave that part of the cover letter/email out.

Be Businesslike If Necessary

Many co-parents have learned how to handle difficult ex-spouse relationships. Some use note cards while speaking on the phone to help keep them on task. Others avoid personal contact altogether, relying on text messages, voice mail, letters, or email. No matter what your avenue of communication, treat the contact as you would a business deal: Don’t get personal, seek the win/win solution, and stick to discussing the kids. Having a business mentality may help you to avoid being sidetracked when your buttons get pushed.

One good business principle that applies in many circumstances is to try to find the common ground. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex is saying, even if you disagree with the main point. “You’re right, every teenager wants the independence a car provides; I’m just wondering if he should be rewarded with one right now given his poor grades.” If you can’t “close the deal” because of personal pain or attacks, politely take a time-out from negotiations (e.g, “I’m afraid I’m not thinking straight at the moment and need to take a break. I’ll call you back later/tomorrow to discuss this further.”). Return to the table later when you have gathered yourself.

Borrow a Script and Stick to It

Stepfamily expert Patricia Papernow has designed some scripts to help co-parents deal with each other and the differences between their homes in a constructive manner.23 Before calling your ex, for example, have a written script in your hands to guide your responses. This will help you manage yourself during the conversation.

Here are some of Dr. Papernow’s scripts to help you communicate.

1. LETTING THE BULLET BOUNCE

After answering the phone, you hear your ex say, “I can’t believe you forgot to send Jennifer’s Halloween costume. We’re going to be late, she’s crying, and once again you are irresponsible! When are you going to grow up?”

Your response: [Take a deep breath and gather yourself] “I know it’s a pain. I’m sorry. Do you want me to bring it over, or do you want to pick it up?”

Note: I call this letting the bullet bounce, because your ex is attacking you, and if you let the bullet penetrate, you will react defensively. Putting on thick skin is a premium in stepfamilies. Don’t respond to the accusation; get to a behavioral solution. And next time remember to send the Halloween costume.

2. MOM’S HOUSE RULES/DAD’S HOUSE RULES

You say to your son: “Homework before watching TV.”

He says, “Dad lets me watch TV before doing my homework.”

Take a deep breath and say, “That may be true in your dad’s house. And in this house, the rule is homework before TV.”

Note: It’s okay to have differing rules and expectations. The temptation is to argue with Dad’s rule or judge his motives by saying, “That’s because your dad likes to watch TV all the time himself.” Don’t worry about Dad’s rule. Stick to yours. Also, notice the use of the word and instead of but preceding “in this house . . .” The latter creates defensiveness; and is much more conciliatory.

3. THE “LOOKING FOR INFORMATION” PHONE CALL

Sometimes situations like the one above require further information from the other parent. The biological parent should make the call; how you make that call is important to maintaining a cooperative relationship.

If you call and say the following, you are igniting a battle: “I can’t believe you let Johnny watch TV before doing his homework.”

Rather, call and say, “Hi. I’m calling for some information. Johnny and I had a little run-in, and he says that in your house it’s okay to watch TV before getting his homework done. I’m wondering if that’s true, or if he’s trying to get away with something.”

If you are Cooperative Colleagues, the response may sound like this: “Yeah. I figure he needs to unwind a little bit after basketball practice.”

You say, “Okay. I can understand that. That’s what I needed to know. Thank you.”

If you are Angry Associates, the response may sound more like “He comes home tired from basketball practice, and he’s just a kid. Why should he have to do it anyway—homework isn’t that important right now.”

You say [after taking a deep breath], “Okay. Thank you.”

Note: This second response is by far the most difficult. However, it is likely that arguing is not going to convince the other parent to change (has it ever worked before?), and you don’t need to try to control them anyway. You got the information you were seeking, and it wasn’t pretty. Hang up and work with your son within your home.

Say to your son: “Moms and dads are different. I have lots of rules about chores in the house; your father has more rules about manners at the table. I’m concerned about your grades and wonder what you can do here to improve them. [Discuss the possibilities.] What might you do while in your dad’s house to get your homework done?”

4. OFF THE HOOK AND OUT OF THE MIDDLE

Parents can sometimes tell when kids are getting caught in negative battles between adults. However, many times children themselves are not aware of a loyalty bind nor can they articulate it, so parents may not know their child is caught. Here are some possible ways to respond when you notice your child is in the tug-of-war.

What do you do when kids lie to those in the other home?

Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

To your children: “It seems to me that you are kind of caught in the middle between your mother and me. I know that is a tough place to be. I’m wondering how you feel about it. [Listen and affirm.] When do you feel stuck the most? I’m sorry you have to hear negative things. I want you to know if you hear me say something about the other home that makes you feel bad, you can ask me to stop. And you can ask your mom to stop too. If not, you’ll be in a bad spot between us. Do you want to talk about it? [Listen and validate feelings.] By the way, you have my permission to love your mom and respect or love your stepdad. That’s important for you, and I’m okay with it.”

If your child responds, “Come on, Dad. You know Mom won’t stop even if I ask her to. Once she gets started, she can’t stop,” reply by saying, “You may be right. But I think it’s worth saying out loud to her that it makes you feel bad.”

To your ex-spouse: “I know you would never mean to hurt the kids. But your comments like [give specific examples] are putting them between us. Please stop. I’m learning not to say negative things in front of the kids, and I hope you will do the same. Thank you for your time.”

If your ex isn’t convinced that negative comments hurt the children, don’t try to defend yourself to the children. That only forces them into the middle again. The children will form their own opinions as they grow, and they tend to finally respect the parent who manages their tongue.

5. RECONNECTING

When noncustodial parents have been disconnected from their children for an extended period of time, many wounds are created. If you have been absent from your child’s life and now want to reconnect, understand that it won’t be easy. As children grow into adolescence and adulthood, they can develop emotional walls that have protected them from feeling your rejection. Your ex-spouse may have great anger toward you for disappointing the children and being unavailable to help raise them. Consider the following script as you hope to reconnect.

Communicate to your ex-spouse: “I apologize for not being involved like I should have been. I know I have cheated you and our children out of a lot. And I’m sorry. I am hoping to reconnect with the kids but will not force myself on them. I will just let them know I’m changing, and they can contact me when they are ready.”

Write a letter to your child: “I know this is tough to hear from me after I’ve been away for so long. I can see you are holding close to your mother right now. That is as it should be. Sometime I hope things will change enough that you feel you can reconnect with me. I love you. When you’re ready to call, I’ll be happy to talk to you.”

Note: Once you have stated your desire to reconnect, don’t make it tough for kids to reach back and find you. Send birthday and holiday gifts with short, friendly messages. Don’t induce guilt by saying, “Happy birthday. Why haven’t you called?” Short emails can also help you stay at a safe distance until your children decide to step closer.

There are times, however, when you cannot reconnect and it’s not your fault. There are extreme situations when one parent systematically pushes the other out; in those situations of alienation, most of the well-natured reasonable strategies presented so far in this chapter need to be recalibrated.

Alienated Parenting

In memory of our son, Connor, who died at the age of twelve, Nan and I have invested in an incredible ministry that rescues trafficked children—slaves, to be more blunt—in Ghana, West Africa. Sold into slavery, many times by their parents, these children as young as four years old work in the fishing industry twelve to fourteen hours a day, eat one meal a day, receive no education, are stripped of their personhood, and never see their parents again. They are taken. When most people first hear us talk about the plight of these children, they are dumbfounded and outraged. How insidious to hold a child hostage. Indeed.

Learn more about this effort at ConnorsSong.com.

Sometimes it is divorced parents who hold their own kids hostage from the other parent. They systematically and intentionally alienate the other parent, home, even extended family from the child—and just like the slave masters of Ghana, justify their actions as prudent and necessary. I have written elsewhere about when parents are “occasionally blocked” from spending time with a child or receiving their entire visitation time (see The Smart Stepdad), but I am not referring to that now. Nor am I talking here about when a child becomes a prodigal and on their own volition stops returning a parent’s phone calls or responding to attempts to connect. Parental alienation is far more insidious and destructive because it involves the intentional brainwashing of a child by one parent against the other.

A mother approached me at a conference. “What do I do,” she begged. “My four-year-old son came home from his dad’s house the other day and started saying, ‘Mommy, you have a hard heart. You are a bad mommy. You have a hard heart.’ We have a great relationship, but ever since his father remarried, his stepmom has started putting these thoughts in his head about me. I am so scared that he is turning away from me.”

A valued friend of mine, Richard, has a PhD in marriage and family and is an expert trainer in marital relationships, but his degrees and training came after he and his mother became victims of alienation. When he was just five years old his parents divorced. His father, from a wealthy and highly influential family in Miami, systematically set about to poison him and his siblings against their mother. They were discouraged from visiting their mother and were repeatedly told how their mother had mental problems and that he loved them, not she. Richard vividly remembers his father offering trips for deep sea fishing and the like to dissuade him from visiting his mother. His father intercepted her letters, gifts, and attempts to spend time with them and then accused her of not loving them enough to bother to see them. He even insisted that the kids stop calling her Mom (and punished them with raging guilt if they did) and instead refer to her as “Mrs. Smith.”

This depersonalization and marginalization of their mother removed her from their life and caused my friend to despise her. My friend grew up resentful to God that he didn’t have a mother like other children. The other great sadness in this story was that Richard’s stepmother, who herself was a divorcée, did not desire to be a mother figure and fulfill the emotional needs of Richard and his siblings. He was left to grow up void both of a mother and a caring stepmother.

Parent Alienation Syndrome

Each year tens of thousands of new court cases are ignited as a result of one biological parent alienating their children from the other. The distorted and self-justifying reasons parents do this varies, but the results are similar. Alienated children rapidly downgrade a once close relationship with a parent (for example, before the divorce) to nothing; they have an absurd devotion to negative attitudes and beliefs about the parent even in the face of evidence to the contrary (e.g., they accuse a parent who pursues them of not caring); they offer trivial explanations for why they reject a relationship with the parent; and/or they extend hatred of the parent to that parent’s extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) without justification.24 We all understand how parents who consistently break promises and disappear from a child’s life deserve a child’s anger and hurt, but truly alienated parents usually haven’t earned this response.

If you are living this nightmare, you already know it, but you are desperately searching for answers. While a complete discussion of how to manage parent alienation syndrome is beyond the scope of this book, I do want to offer an important perspective to help you get started in finding help. Earlier in this chapter I addressed healthy co-parenting. In that section I stressed the importance of not bad-mouthing your ex-spouse, especially in front of the children, as it naturally puts them in the middle and adds to their distress. If you are an alienated parent, please hear this: That general principle no longer applies to you. The extreme nature of alienation necessitates that you take a stronger, more assertive posture with your children in order to break the spell they are under. In his seminal and highly recommended book on this subject, Divorce Poison, Dr. Richard Warshak tells parents that in the face of alienation, avoiding speaking against the other parent is the wrong approach. “It does not work,” he says. “Often, it makes things worse.”25 Being reasonable in the face of an unreasonable opponent only adds to your vulnerability. Parents, he suggests, should maintain a commitment to shielding their children from unnecessary and destructive communication, but notes that the only way to break through the trance of systematic alienation is to assertively confront the reality of the situation.26

I once coached a dad to stop passively allowing his ex-wife to control the children’s thoughts about him by directly saying to them, “I’m sorry, your mother is wrong about me. I do not hate you. I love you very much. I have sent you many letters only to discover that your mother has hidden them from you. I tried to go to your basketball game last week, but she told me the wrong school—I showed up but the game wasn’t there, and by the time I got to the right place the game was over. I’m not sure why your mother says this to you, but please know that what she is saying is not true.” Without question, this puts the child in a tight spot, but without direct confrontation, his children would be unlikely to snap out of the trance their mother had put them under.

If you are an alienated parent, I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of Divorce Poison by Dr. Warshak so you can apply the multitude of prescriptions he offers to alienated parents.

What Kids Are Thinking

All kids get caught in the middle between their parents to some degree. But alienated kids have stopped trying to walk the fence; instead, because they are manipulated, they jump on one side. Don’t give up reaching over the fence to break the spell they are under.

Let me return to the story of my friend, Richard. Alienated from his mother by his manipulative father, Richard found himself at the age of thirty crying out to God for a mother in his life. Despite a PhD in marriage and family, Richard never realized what his father had done until the moment he was questioning God as to why he never had a mother in his life. In the midst of his prayer, Richard believes the Holy Spirit opened his eyes and broke through the trance he had been under. Richard remembers the Holy Spirit telling him, “What you always wanted in a mother you always had. You just rejected her.” Richard was so disconnected he asked of the Holy Spirit, “Well, who is it?” The Spirit simply said back to his heart, “She gave birth to you.”

At midnight, Richard called his mother. She answered the phone and was surprised to hear from him. He said to her, “Mom, I realized something tonight.” With tears in his eyes and heart he said, “You are my mother.” Now, with tears in her eyes and joy in her heart, she lovingly told him, “Welcome home.” What he uncovered was a mother’s never-ending love, the truth of her persistent attempts through the years to be reunited with her children, and the depth of his father’s manipulation. The lost years grieved his heart, but he found his mom.

If you are an alienated parent, I am grieved on your behalf for all that has been lost. You may be tempted at times to give up hope, to withdraw your affections in order not to go crazy in agony over the one you have lost. As a parent who has lost a child to death, I can most certainly sympathize with your despair. But do not give up trying. There is no telling what God may do—or when—in order to reunite you and your child. Keep praying and searching.

Stepping in Line

This chapter and the next suggest that a key step in stepfamily success is taken when all the adults on the parenting team put their needs aside and consider the children. Remembering that it is all about the children keeps the focus of adult interaction where it should be. The first key relationship in the parenting team is the co-parent relationship. The next chapter will discuss the second key aspect: the parent-stepparent relationship and their roles as caregivers.

Questions for Discussion

FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)

Note: Asking kids of any age about between-home and co-parenting matters is delicate; when the subject is brought up, kids naturally feel caught in the middle. To help lower their fears, set up the conversation by telling them (1) they don’t have to answer any question that makes them uncomfortable; and (2) start by owning your mistakes as a co-parent and make the conversation about their feelings concerning you, not the other parent.

I know from time to time you feel caught in the middle between your mom/dad and me. What is going on when you feel that way?

We all feel our anxiety somewhere in our bodies. For example, when I am anxious about something I feel it in my stomach/headache/lower back/bowels. Where do you feel yours?

Before we talked today, I completed this exercise. I’d like you to check me on my answers. Help me understand you better. [Review your responses to the “Burdens My Children Face” exercise below.]

Burdens My Children Face

Make a list on the left side of co-parent stressors for your children. On the right, list what you might do to improve the situation. Consider, for example:

Ways I put them in an emotional tug-of-war

Expectations put on them to take care of others or me

UNHEALTHY BURDEN

MY NEW PLAN

FOR ALL COUPLES

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your co-parental relationship on your ability to contain anger and conflict in order to cooperate and compromise on issues regarding the children’s welfare.

List two or three things you might do to improve this rating.

When a remarriage takes place, the visitation routine is often disturbed. Indeed, fathers, on average, drop their visits to noncustodial children by half within the first year of their ex-wife’s remarriage. Regularity of contact is critical to children’s self-esteem and reduces feelings of loss. What disruptions in access to both parents have your children experienced? What can you do to improve the access and regularity (predictability) of this contact?

Consider whether your children have your permission to care about others in their two homes. If not, what needs to change within you in order to grant that permission?

What fears do you have about losing touch with your teenagers? If they wanted to live in the other home, how would you react?

Review the Healthy Co-Parenting checklist and rate your co-parenting relationship on each. Overall, how would you rate your situation? What needs to improve most?

Review the Guidelines for Co-Parents and create a checklist of items you need to develop or work toward. Affirm yourself and your ex for the things you are currently doing well.

Review the list of Things Kids Wish They Could Say to Their Divorced Parents. Which would your children say to you?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are you able to compartmentalize old marital issues and current co-parental ones? What triggers are you most susceptible to?

Share some of the forgiveness issues you have had to face or are currently struggling to release.

Which scripts might be helpful to you in the future? Why?

Alienated Parenting: If you are experiencing alienation, you already know it. Your heart is burdened. You need a clear plan of action. Discuss who you need to consult or what books you need to read in order to develop this plan.

FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES

Openly discuss your present co-parent relationships. How cooperative have you been in the past with your ex? What issues are problematic? How well are you able to contain your anger and responses with your children’s other parent?

With whom do you need to step in line prior to your remarriage?

What are your hopes regarding how quickly your children will accept their new stepparent? Do you think this is realistic?

How did you contribute to the breakup or divorce of your last relationship?

To what degree have you emotionally resolved the ending of your first marriage?

To what degree have you resolved what happened to your future spouse in his or her previous relationship?

The presence of moderate to severe anger and/or guilt is a good indication that you have not emotionally de-coupled from your former love relationship. How de-coupled are you and your ex-spouse?

Alienated and stressful co-parenting: If you are the potential stepparent and the person you are dating is already facing a situation of alienated parenting or a Fiery Foe ex-spouse situation, you must weigh the burden it will bring to your life and to your children should you marry. Do not minimize this situation as you consider a future together.

Chapter 7Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 2)

Parent and stepparent roles

But Sarah saw Ishmael making fun of Isaac. Ishmael was the son Hagar had by Abraham. Hagar was Sarah’s servant from Egypt. Sarah said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman. Get rid of her son. The slave woman’s son will never have a share of the family’s property with my son Isaac.” What Sarah said upset Abraham very much. After all, Ishmael was his son.

Genesis 21:9–11 NIRV

Parenting in stepfamilies is a two-, three-, or four-person (sometimes more!) dance. Parent-stepparent harmony is the crux of successful parenting within your home—whatever the condition of your co-parental relationship(s). The two most critical relationships in any stepfamily home are the marriage and the stepparent-stepchildren relationships. The marriage must be strong to endure the many pressures stepfamily couples face and provide a backbone of family stability. Marriage, we might say, is the Crockpot itself; without the pot, nothing gets cooked. Almost as important is the stepparent-stepchildren relationship. The stepparent’s presence and the role they play in the family is critical because it dramatically affects the level of stress in the primary triangle of relationships between parent, stepparent, and stepchild(ren). Less stress equals more harmony in parenting; more parental harmony in turn leads to more harmony in the marriage.

Many people assume incorrectly that stepparenting is the sole responsibility of the stepparent. This assumption inadvertently pits husband and wife against each other when the stepparent flounders or upsets the children. Lest there be any confusion, let me say very clearly that stepparenting is a two-person task. Biological parents and stepparents must work out roles that complement each other and play to each other’s strengths. Just as in two-biological-parents homes, parents and stepparents must be unified in their goals and work together as a team. Stepparents who are struggling need biological parents who will step up to the plate; biological parents need stepparents who will partner with them in the task of raising responsible, God-following children. Stepping in line in your home means planning and parenting together. This principle was again validated when a study of more than a thousand children in stepfather households found that children are better able to adapt to changes brought on by the introduction of a stepfather, and are more open to connecting with him emotionally, if they see a strong, united, and cooperative alliance between their mother and stepfather.1 In other words, parental unity is an important aspect of the “low-level heat” that facilitates the Crockpot cooking process.

Just in Case You Think You’ve Got It All Together . . .

I’m convinced that children are God’s tool for humbling adults. We could pretty well sail through life feeling in control of almost everything if we didn’t have children. But competent, self-assured, capable people can be reduced to Jell-O when face-to-face with a typical two-year-old. Throughout the child-rearing years, humility comes to parents in many forms: the helplessness of trying to get a six-month-old infant to stop crying at three in the morning; the powerlessness of struggling with a sixteen-year-old daughter who keeps breaking the rules; the inadequacy you feel when your nine-year-old son says, “So, do you and Mom have sex?” And nothing can embarrass us more than the surprises kids throw at us at the most inconvenient times. I’ll never forget carrying a constipated three-year-old out of worship (during the quiet, reflective time of Communion, no less), only to have him announce at the top of his lungs why we were leaving: “Poo-poo!” Once you have kids, your life will never be the same.

One challenge more humbling and frustrating than raising children is raising stepchildren! Throughout the family’s integration years, stepparents are often the most rejected, least affirmed, and most taken for granted adults in stepfamilies. At any given moment, stepparents may have all the responsibility for daily child care that biological parents have, but very little authority to manage the child’s behavior. They are expected to make the same sacrifices as biological parents but reap very few rewards. “Thanks for washing my clothes for school today” doesn’t come often enough.

Knowing Yourself

“I thought I was going to be the best stepmom God ever put together, but I have had such a hard time loving his kids—and I feel just horrible about it.”

Stepmothers are at an even greater disadvantage than stepfathers for a number of reasons. First, children tend to maintain more frequent contact with their noncustodial mothers. Second, children’s attachment to their biological mother is believed to be stronger than their attachment to their father, making the acceptance and bonding with a stepmother even more difficult. Third, because society expects women to achieve a higher relational standard than men, stepmothers feel greater pressure to build a strong attachment with stepchildren. Despite societal changes in women’s roles throughout the world, women still bear the primary responsibility for child care, maintenance, and nurturance of children. Stepmothers are not excused from these responsibilities, and they try to fulfill society’s expectations by working hard at building a relationship—only to discover a strong loyalty to the biological mom standing in the way. No wonder stepmothers report greater dissatisfaction with their role and exhibit higher levels of stress.

Unguided by norms, role clarity, or realistic expectations, the stepmother works to “make up for the past” experiences of the stepchildren, only to come to the awareness that she is overwhelmed, frustrated, and less committed to them than she believes she should be. . . . The lack of role models for women who become stepmothers means that women have nowhere to turn for meaningful advice.2

Truly the job of a stepmother is a challenging one. Family therapist and stepfamily educator Jean McBride says one woman described it well: “Being a stepmother is like setting your hair on fire and then trying to put it out with a hammer!”3

“I feel more like a maid than a mother.”

“I feel that every time I try to set some rules, it’s like a declaration of war with my stepchildren.”4

But remember, the journey for stepmoms and stepdads alike also offers rewards; not all children feel negatively toward stepparents.

“When I was four years old my father died, and two years later my mother met my stepdad. There were six of us kids to raise, plus he had three from his previous marriage. When they got married, he helped her raise us and treated us like his very own kids. I never knew my father; Ted is the only real father I ever knew. Though we have had our ups and downs, I would never trade him for any other father in the world.”

Stepdaughter

“He’s only been my father for about six years. He seems like my real father. He takes me fishing, hunting, and four-wheeler riding. I think the only things we haven’t done are skate and golf. If I want something and he can afford it, he gets it for me. He shows me love and discipline. Even when he disciplines me, I can tell he still loves me.”

Stepson, age nine

Children nominating their fathers for their church’s “Father of the Year” award wrote these last two quotes. The respect and appreciation of these stepchildren is evident. I share it with you as a reminder that there is a Promised Land. All the hard work and discomfort of stepparenting can pay off. It may not happen as quickly as you’d like, but you can get there.

So how do stepparents and parents work together to generate this type of recognition? What are some common pitfalls, and how can stepparents avoid them? Let’s begin by establishing some rules to keep you on the same side. Then I’ll examine the role biological parents have in empowering the stepparent, the evolving role of stepparents, and conclude with an overview of the overall parenting process. The next chapter will discuss some common challenges stepparents face.

The Parental Unity Rules

These rules will help you work together and keep you on the same side as a parental team. Remember, united you stand, divided you fall.5

Rule 1: Be Proactive

Don’t wait until problems occur to discuss behavioral expectations, preferred methods of punishment and consequences to be enforced, and the values you wish to instill in the children.

Rule 2: When in Doubt, Call a Parental Powwow

Tell the children, “I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that” so you can have a parental meeting to discuss the situation. This response communicates to the kids that you seek, respect, and honor each other’s input in parenting decisions, and it will speak volumes about your unity as a couple. This will help to dissolve their efforts to “divide and conquer” the marriage. Even if it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable, go the extra mile to ensure parental agreement. You won’t regret it.

Rule 3: If the Biological Parent Doesn’t Appreciate How the Stepparent Handled a Given Situation, Have a Private Discussion

The biggest mistake a biological parent can make is to make negative, critical comments about the stepparent in front of the kids. The second mistake is to reverse the decision. Either of those responses robs their authority, which is already under scrutiny by the kids. Listen openly to the stepparent’s explanation of what happened (kids often leave out significant details). If you don’t agree with how something happened or a decision made, acknowledge the stepparent’s good intentions and then discuss an alternative plan for the next time: “I appreciate that you were trying to teach Rebecca a lesson. I understand what you were attempting to accomplish, but given Rebecca’s personality, I’m wondering if you could handle it a little differently next time.” Refrain from turning this into a competition. The goal should be to find a solution that you can both support.

Rule 4: Making Changes

From the time they are born, children are learning the expectations and behavioral management style of their parents. They become accustomed to rules and expectations over time and settle into them. When rules change, children adapt (after a bit of grumbling) because they give their parent the right to make the changes. When stepparents enter the picture and influence changes, children often struggle with the stepparent’s authority to make those changes. That’s when they complain or protest to their biological parent. Biological parents must take seriously how they support the status of the stepparent to their children. Here are some guidelines to help couples communicate the changes, especially when the stepparent’s opinion has obviously contributed to the change.

Dating Couples

Once you’re serious about marriage, begin bringing your parenting systems in line. Doing so before the wedding communicates that you, the biological parent, are clearly behind the changes. Communicate rule changes separately from the future stepparent and give your kids many months to adapt to the new expectations.

Remember to powwow in order to find unity in the new expectation. Then decide how to communicate the changes.

In general, communicate changes in rules or expectations to the children together. It’s best if the biological parent takes the lead in sharing the change with the stepparent standing beside them. This is particularly important in the early years of your marriage. The stepparent can certainly add to the conversation, but the biological parent’s voice should be clearly heard.

If a child disrespects the stepparent, correct them in front of the stepparent. This clearly communicates to both the stepparent (who will appreciate being backed) and the child the expectation that children respect their stepparent.

A biological parent may need to communicate the change privately, without the stepparent present. This should happen if:

A child continually challenges the new rule (e.g., “you’re just doing this because he/she wants you to”). The biological parent should be empathetic, but gently follow through. “You are right. You now have to wash your own laundry because he/she brought it to my attention. But we have discussed it thoroughly and I am in agreement. I’m sure you are bummed about this—I can’t blame you. But this is how it’s going to be from now on.”

A child is highly sensitive to the issue at hand or feels on display or embarrassed about the circumstances. For example, restricting computer use because the child visited inappropriate websites or working through boyfriend/girlfriend matters may be best handled by the biological parent alone. Again, powwow together as a couple to determine the best way to handle these situations.

These general guidelines will help to keep you on the same side as you parent the children. Even still, each of you must understand your role as it relates to the other.

Biological Parents: Champion the Stepparent’s Role

In each of the books The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge) and The Smart Stepdad, I included two chapters for the biological parent. People often asked me, “Why does a book for stepparents include chapters for the biological parent?” “Because,” I replied, “stepparents cannot be successful unless the biological parent sets them up for success; much of stepparenting depends on the biological parent doing their job.”

Biological parents hold four keys that aid stepparents in their role. Essentially you must champion their place in the family. If you don’t, they may experience defeat, frustration, and resentment toward you.

Key 1: Be the Parent

Before championing the stepparent’s role you first have to function consistently in the role of primary parent. You did this during the single parent years and before the wedding, and you have to continue doing so after the wedding, especially around matters of nurturance, affection, and punishment. Until the stepparent has had time (more on this later) to develop a bond with the kids and earn respect as an “authority,” you need to clearly be the authority. Look at it from your kids’ perspective: you are the safest, most well-defined parent figure in their life. Be that parent.

Part-Time Biological Parents

If you are a nonresidential, part-time parent, making changes and raising the standards with your children is difficult, because the temptation to remain a Disneyland Daddy or Magic Mountain Mommy is high, and you have limited opportunities to follow through. Be proactive and plan to spend a number of months shifting expectations. If you have a respectable relationship with the other home, let them know what you are trying to do and ask them to be patient with the process.

Here’s the problem that presents for those of you who haven’t been that parent. Making the change to become that parent may be met with resentment from your kids and a blaming of the stepparent even though it isn’t their doing. Let’s say, for example, that during the single parent years you lowered your expectations and your children got used to not obeying. Trying to reinstate your expectations comes along at the same time a lot of other changes in the family occur. This makes it difficult for kids to adapt to the change and easy for them to blame the stepparent. Nevertheless, you need to do what you must to become that parent because the parental standards of the home will follow your lead. Find the courage to be strong for the sake of your kids.

Key 2: Declare Your Spouse (the Stepparent) Your Lifelong Partner

As discussed in chapter 5, a healthy marriage paves the way for healthy parenting. But since your relationship with your children preceded the wedding, your marriage is the least bonded and most vulnerable relationship in your home. You must protect it, honor it with time and energy, and declare it a top priority. If you don’t, your children might assume they can pull on your loyalties any time it suits their selfish desires. For example, if a child learns that acting sad over the losses they’ve experienced draws your sympathy, makes you soft on punishment, and likely to defend them to the stepparent, they will use it to their advantage. Children need to know you sympathize with their grief, but they also need to know their place in the family.

Parenting and Birth Order

Learn more about parenting and birth order changes when a stepfamily forms in chapter 8.

Key 3: Pass Power to the Stepparent

The main challenge to stepparenting is earning or building a relationship with a stepchild that affords the stepparent needed authority to make rules (and impose consequences for disobedience). Until such a relationship is built, the stepparent must live on borrowed power from you. If you haven’t yet done so, begin communicating to your children the expectation that they respect their stepparent. Say something like, “I know Bob is not your dad. However, when I am not here, he will be enforcing the household rules we have agreed upon. I expect you to be courteous and respect him as you would any authority figure.” Then back up your expectation with action. I’ll say more about this “baby-sitter” role later in this chapter.

Key 4: Build Trust in the Stepparent

Roger loved Cheryle very much, but he wasn’t sure why she was critical of his two daughters. Cheryle complained that Roger was too easy on them and she feared they would grow up to be “spoiled, boy-chasing girls.” Roger believed that Cheryle’s real problem was jealousy; he interpreted her criticism of the girls as her attempt to step between Roger and his daughters. Therefore, he ignored her input and discounted her efforts at discipline.

For some biological parents, the greatest barrier to entrusting their children to their spouse is a fundamental lack of trust in the stepparent. In first-marriage, two-biological-parent homes, couples don’t seem to question the motives of their spouse. They may not agree with each decision or response, but they don’t question their spouse’s love for the children or parenting motives. Stepparents are not always granted that same benefit of the doubt. Open yourself to the stepparents’ input. Listen to their “outsider” perspective and strive to see the love behind their actions.

The Wise and Prudent Stepparent

It takes five years to learn how to parent a five-year-old. I just got one yesterday, and no matter what I do, I am five years behind.

David Mills, therapist

Proverbs 1:1–4 makes an interesting comparison between the wise or prudent person and someone who is simple-minded. The wise person has good sense and is skilled in living. The simple-minded person on the other hand lacks judgment due to inexperience or naïveté. The following section describes the qualities of unwise, naïve stepparents and contrasts them with wise stepparents, skilled in their role. Take them to heart so that inexperience need not result in heartache.

Unwise Stepparents Make Becoming an Insider Their Goal

It’s perfectly understandable to want to be considered a part of the family, but stepparents who make it their goal to quickly become insiders often end up terribly disappointed. It is one thing to find ways of getting along or to be respected by stepchildren with moderate authority; it is another to want stepchildren to want you in their innermost family circle. This desire leads stepparents to force their way in and put pressure on the biological parent to help bring them in. Simply put, these stepparents try too hard, rather than accept the relationship that develops.

“My stepson doesn’t follow rules or treat me with respect. What do I do?”

Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Wise stepparents enjoy the relationship they have now. The cardinal rule for stepparent bonding is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you.6 If they welcome or seek affection, then give it in a way that matches their comfort. If they remain distant and cordial, honor that as well. If they follow your rules and respect your decisions, continue to assert your given authority. If they challenge your authority, find ways to live on borrowed power from the biological parent while slowly growing your attachment over time (see key 3 above). Effective stepparents know that building a connection with stepchildren takes time, and they aren’t focused on “deepening the bond” to the point that they miss the relationship they currently have. Learn to find the nuggets of good in the relationship you have now. Be patient and keep seeking to grow with your stepchildren, but don’t add too much pressure.

Unwise Stepparents (and Their Spouses) Expect Too Much of Themselves

Parents and stepparents tend to assume that children want a close, warm relationship with the stepparent. Biological parents want their children to be happy with their stepparent, and stepparents assume they need to be someone special to the children. Kids say otherwise.

When asked how the stepparent role should be performed, parents and stepparents generally envision the role in similar ways. In one study, close to half of them said the ideal stepparent role should be one of “parent” as opposed to “stepparent” or “friend.” In contrast, 40 percent of stepchildren identified “friend” as the ideal role. Far fewer children thought a “parent” role was ideal.7 “Parents” give hugs and expect obedience to their rules; “friends” offer support and encourage positive values in a child’s life.

Wise stepparents have realistic expectations for their role. Stepparents need to learn to relax into their role and not expect too much of themselves. To expect too much is to set themselves up for disappointment and frustration. Parents also need to relax and let stepparents and stepchildren carve out their relationship.

James Bray discovered that most stepchildren in the early years of stepfamily life view the stepparent like a coach or camp counselor.8 Such people have limited authority with children and provide instruction, but they are not “parents.” However, just because your stepchildren don’t give you unsolicited hugs does not mean you don’t have a decent relationship. Having stepchildren who only talk to you when they want something is not necessarily an indication that you are a poor stepparent. It represents where you are today. Relax and trust the Crockpot.

Unwise Stepparents Rush Into Authoritative Parenting

You may be familiar with what parent educators call authoritative parenting, identified as the most effective parenting style. The authoritative parent seeks to maintain firmness with respect for the child; boundaries, while providing limited choices; and rules with stated, consistent consequences that are balanced by nurture and love. Authoritative parenting at its best is a mirror of the parenting God gives us. Love and grace stand side by side with law and discipline.

Authoritarian parenting, by contrast, is characterized by high rules, harsh discipline, and excessive control. This strict parent essentially says, “You do it because I said so.”

Permissive parents represent the other end of the parenting continuum. They provide very few limits or rules and give children unlimited choices. These parents make excuses for their child’s behavior and assume the child will find his or her own way in life.

The authoritarian and permissive parenting styles have consistently been shown to produce children who lack self-control, have poor decision-making abilities, and who struggle with value-centered living. Stepparents don’t want to adopt either of these styles. So, one would naturally assume that since authoritative parenting is best for children, stepparents would need to begin there. Surprisingly, research suggests this is not so, at least not at first. It is a matter of timing.

Wise stepparents grow into their role. Stepparenting changes as relationships grow. Authoritative stepparenting, especially within the first six months after remarriage, does not have the same positive outcome that authoritative parenting does in biological families (at least with most children).9 Authoritative parenting requires stepparents to set rules and determine structure for children’s lives, as well as display high levels of affection. This kind of parenting is based on a bonded relationship, which does not exist for stepparents until the Crockpot has had time to help the stepfamily integrate.

Early in remarriage, the most successful stepparent-stepchild relationships are those where the stepparent focuses first on the development of a warm, friendly interaction style with the stepchild. Once a foundation of mutual respect and affection is established, stepparents who then attempt to assume a disciplinarian role are less likely to meet with resentment from the stepchild.10

Closeness and the authority to discipline develop over time, and neither should be rushed. For example, stepparents are often eager to build a relationship and commonly seek one-on-one activities with stepchildren. Bray discovered that stepchildren were usually uncomfortable being alone with a stepparent.11 They preferred family group activities to intense one-on-one experiences. After a period of time, one-on-one opportunities are received more openly. The length of time required for stepchildren to build a relationship with their stepparent depends on a number of factors that will be discussed later in this chapter.

The research evidence suggests that the best stepparent initially works through and with the children’s parent. Initially, maintaining an emotionally non-threatening, distant relationship is best. After a couple of years, stepparents can begin to spend more time in direct child care and rule setting. Agreement between the spouses as to the timing of this role shift is important. Marital consensus and mutual support always provide the strength a stepparent needs to become more authoritative. (A more complete discussion of wise stepparenting can be found in “A Prescription for Evolving Parent and Stepparent Roles” later in this chapter.)

I should note here that there are exceptions to this guideline based on age and gender of the stepchild. Stepfathers of young stepsons who move into authoritative parenting fairly quickly tend to have positive outcomes. Instead of being disengaged, stepfathers can move more rapidly into leadership with young stepsons. This is generally not, however, the case with stepdaughters. Relationships between stepfathers and stepdaughters became more conflicted over time, regardless of the parenting styles used by the stepfather. And even if early stepfather-stepdaughter conflict is minimal when the girl is young, it seems to erupt around adolescence.12 In addition, it seems that stepmothers and stepdaughters have the most difficult time bonding their relationship, in part due to strong mother-daughter bonds and competing female gender roles in the home.13

The point is this: Stepparent-stepchild relationships vary widely given a number of factors. You won’t be able to discern every factor, so remember to listen to each child’s cues and read his or her openness to you. If you let the child set the pace—and you honor the limits of your role—the Crockpot may eventually bring you closer together and increase your authority. But keep in mind—it also may not (which is why the biological parent’s role as primary authority is so important). Accept what you have, make the most of it, and pray for a deepening relationship over time.

Unwise Stepparents Punish Before Building a Relationship

By my estimation, this is the most common and one of the most destructive mistakes stepparents make. I’ve established that parental authority develops gradually over time and increases through bonding and the development of a trusting relationship. (If you want to test my assertion, just go to a neighbor’s house and try to punish his children. Just because you live next door doesn’t mean you have any say over those children. You can claim authority, but the level of authority the neighbor or his kids grant to you will be much less than what you claim.) Susan Gamache calls this parental status, that is, the degree that stepfamily members consider the stepparent a parent to stepchildren.14 Parents might expect stepchildren to readily accept discipline from their stepparent, and stepparents might claim to have as much authority as the biological parent, but what really counts is how much authority children will accept from the stepparent.

I’ve heard stepdads fall back on Scripture and claim that “since I am the man of the house I should have the power of a father.” Please remember, the children have a father (even if he’s deceased); you’re an added parent authority in their life. If you want to exasperate your stepchildren quickly (see Ephesians 6:4), push yourself on your stepchildren, claiming authority you don’t yet have. Rather, the ability to lead and influence children comes the old-fashioned way—you earn it. Trust, respect, and honor grow out of a relational history, and there is no quick way to establish that. Stepparents must be dedicated to building a relationship over time.

Wise stepparents gradually move into disciplinary roles.15 Influence comes with relationship and grows over time. Let’s look at three positive relationship phases of parental authority.

1. The baby-sitter role: Baby-sitters have power to manage children only if parents give them power. When our favorite baby-sitter, Amy, used to watch our three boys, I reminded them in front of her that she was in charge while we were away. “She knows the rules, and if you disobey her, you are disobeying me. She has my permission to enforce the consequences. Plus, she’ll tell me about it later, and you’ll have to deal with me, too.” After saying this before a number of date nights, my kids would finish the sentence before me. “We know, we know. Amy’s in charge.” Biological parents who have passed power to the stepparent and back it up with action will generally find their children to be cooperative with the stepparent (even though they may not value the stepparent yet).

There is, however, something very different about a stepparent and a baby-sitter. The latter is not part of the rule negotiation process; baby-sitters don’t get a say in what rules should be or what discipline strategies the parenting team will utilize. Stepparents do. They have full membership in the parenting team and, therefore, are part of the decision-making process.

Smart Stepparent Best Practices

For more on how stepdads can be a spiritual leaders, see the bonus material “How Does Scripture Apply to Stepfamilies?” at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Parents and stepparents, therefore, negotiate rules together behind closed doors and should pursue general agreement in their decisions. Early in the Crockpot, the biological parent then communicates the rules to the children with the stepparent standing in support. That way if a rule is broken, as far as the children are concerned, it is the parent’s rule not the stepparent’s. If a consequence is to be enforced by the stepparent, to the children it is the parent’s consequence. Baby-sitting stepparents, then, are extensions of biological parents.

In a classic example, a ten-year-old girl scowls at her stepfather when he asks her to begin her Saturday chore of cleaning the garage. She barks, “I don’t have to do what you say. You’re not my dad,” and then walks toward a friend’s house. His response: “You’re right, I’m not your dad. But I am the adult here right now, and this is the rule your mother communicated to you at our family meeting last month, remember? It’s your choice. You can clean the garage by three o’clock or pay your brother to do it from your allowance.” The stepdaughter clearly has a choice to make. She may choose obedience (and probably grunt and groan the whole way to the garage) or if she keeps walking to her friend’s house, the stepfather arranges to have her little brother clean the garage for extra pay. When Mom returns home later that afternoon, she should support the action taken. “I expect you to obey the rules even when I am not here. Your decision to leave cost you ten bucks. Tell me what you plan to do next time.”

When both adults bring a child(ren) to the stepfamily, they still negotiate rules together, but each takes the lead role with their own children. Simultaneously they are the primary parent to their children and the “baby-sitter” to the other’s children. It is important to note that this arrangement will not work if the couple does not adopt consistent rules. You cannot afford to have one set of rules for his kids and another standard for hers. Consistency without favoritism is key.

Parenting the “Mutual Child”

When couples have a child together (the “mutual child”) they will each parent that child from a position of strong attachment and authority. How adults respond to stepchildren versus the common biological child may vary, but strive to be equitable. See the section on parenting the mutual child in the next chapter.

The stepparent/”baby-sitter” system maintains the pre-stepfamily parenting arrangement with the biological parent acting as the primary nurturer and disciplinarian. Most critically, it allows the stepparent time and emotional space to focus on relationship development with the stepchildren. The stepparent can learn about the child’s interests, share talents and skills, and engage in family group activities without having to worry about negative confrontations with the children.16 Researcher James Bray says one of the most important stepparenting skills is monitoring the children’s activities.17 This involves knowing their daily routine, where the children are, who they are with, and what extracurricular activities they are involved in, but does not necessarily include being involved in the child’s emotional life. Monitoring stepparents check homework and daily chores and befriend stepchildren, yet refrain from emotional closeness that is unwelcomed by the child. The posture of monitoring engages the child in a non-threatening way (which is vital early on) and slowly connects hearts.

2. The “uncle/aunt” role: After a moderate relationship has developed, stepparents can find themselves in the “uncle or aunt” stepparenting role. If my sister comes to my house, and Nan and I are away for a few hours, she carries some authority with my children simply because she’s their aunt. She is not a full-fledged parent, but carries power through her extended family kinship. Stepparents can gradually gain a basic level of respect that allows children to accept them as extended family members by marriage. Stepparents can become more authoritative, clearly communicating limits and encouraging family discussion of rules. Furthermore, as personal bonds deepen, shows of affection and appreciation can become more common. One-on-one activities can become more frequent and personal connections increase.

Transitioning Roles

“How does a stepparent move from the baby-sitter to the uncle/aunt role?” The transition from one role to another is not formal; no one makes an announcement that stepdad is now “uncle-dad.” More likely, you wake up one day and feel that something has changed. One stepmom said to her husband, “I don’t know exactly what is different, but I think this is getting easier.” Celebrate the growth and keep cooking!

3. The “parent” or stepparent role: Eventually, some stepparents will gain “parental” status with some stepchildren. Achieving this status is usually a combination of stepparent qualities that foster trust and respect over time and dynamics of family structure, that is, things no one controls. For example, younger children who have many years with a stepparent tend to grant stepparents a higher parental status than adolescents or part-time children who only have a few years in the stepfamily Crockpot. In addition, it is my experience that stepchildren who have a deceased parent or children with one biological parent who has dropped out completely from their life are more apt through the years to grant this level of status to their stepparent. Just as these dynamics work to the benefit of some stepparents, they work against others. Don’t concern yourself with structural matters of your home that you can’t control. Rather, focus on being the person God has called you to be and be content with that.

It is important that stepparents not consider themselves failures if they do not achieve parental status with every child. It is quite common to be considered a baby-sitter by an older child, an aunt by a middle child, and a parent by the youngest child. This experience can be confusing to say the least, so be sure you and your spouse are a solid parenting team. Discuss circumstances often and work together to make adjustments over time.

A Prescription for Parent and Stepparent Roles

A few years ago, I developed a chart to visually demonstrate the changing roles of parents and stepparents over time (see next page).18 This chart summarizes many of the principles I have laid out in this chapter. Research supports this general model, but acknowledges that there is no one universal best way to stepparent. Some of you may discover as you read this chapter that your family has broken all the rules yet still managed to experience low levels of family conflict. Others may realize that mistakes were indeed made and they need to retreat from their current approach, regroup, and begin implementing this model immediately. Everyone should continually ask God’s guidance as you strive to lead your home.

Parental Status

The vertical axis on the left of the chart is labeled Degree of Authority to Discipline and represents a person’s parental status.19 The higher you go, the more authority you have. (This status is the intersection between the authority a stepparent would like to assert [“asserted authority”] and how much authority a child will grant them at the moment [“accepted authority”]). Notice that biological parents have parental authority from the beginning of stepfamily life. After all, they’re Dad/Mom and always will be. Stepparents, however, in most cases begin only with as much authority as a coach, teacher, or camp counselor. Even after marriage biological parents, labeled “Single Parent With Help,” continue their role of single parent, only now they have a live-in baby-sitter to help. Biological parents remain the primary nurturer and disciplinarian and should spend special time with each child. Stepparents (“Baby-Sitter Role”) initially focus on building relationships with their stepchildren and monitoring their activities and interests. Over time some stepparents move to higher levels of authority. Note the jagged line representing a multitude of up-and-down experiences with stepchildren. The variables impacting increasing authority vary widely, and many are beyond your control. Ride the waves with faith and hope.

As stepparents develop a greater bond with stepchildren and move up the vertical axis, biological parents will need to release more control to stepparents. This is difficult for many parents who have been their children’s primary—or only—provider for a long time; they may not know how to let go. Indeed, some parents block the stepparents’ increasing authority, even after they’ve pushed for it. Giving up control is difficult.

Some parents decide not to make room for the stepparent, while some stepparents, frankly, don’t desire to have a close relationship with their stepchildren. Don’t assume you as a couple have the same expectation for the stepparent’s level of closeness with the children. Talk about your relational preferences and periodically evaluate your changing goals.

Time With Stepchildren

The horizontal axis of the chart focuses on the amount of time stepparents have had with their stepchildren. Many people wonder if this begins with dating or the actual remarriage. Dating is important, but true stepfamily relationships start with the wedding. During courtship children can be tolerant, even encouraging, of their parent’s new romance because “she’s happier while with him.” While the couple dates, however, the children are usually out of the picture, spending time at Dad’s house. The dating partner stays friendly with the children, and everything seems to go along fine. But after the marriage, when everyone is thrown into the same pot, roles change. The intensity of relationships increases dramatically, and nearly everyone experiences unexpected anxious emotions.

A number of variables influence how long it takes for stepparents to move from one role to another.20

Age of Child. As previously stated, younger children accept stepparents more quickly than older children. Children five and under may need just a year or two before viewing stepparents as “parents.” It’s not uncommon to find children who call their noncustodial parent “Dad” and their stepparent “Daddy.” Adolescent children, on the other hand, may require a number of years before ascribing full parental status to their stepparent. Others never get that far.

A child’s openness to a stepparent, of course, has a major influence on the success of the marriage. In fact, it seems that “the best time to remarry is before a child’s tenth birthday and after his or her sixteenth; couples who marry in between often find themselves on a collision course with the teen’s developmental agenda.”21 A small window of attachment and feeling their close parent-child bond threatened (especially preadolescent girls and their mothers) just doesn’t make for quick acceptance of the stepparent.

In the end, remember that no one can predict how long it will take to build a working relationship with your stepchildren. Accept what you have and make the best of it.

Previous Family Experiences. The family you grew up in (called “family of origin”) has had dramatic effects on you, your choice of mate, and your marital behaviors—whether you know it or not. Similarly, previous family experiences impact children and their willingness to trust, honor, or open themselves to new relationships. Spend some time reflecting on what your children and stepchildren have experienced, and talk with your spouse about how it has impacted the children. Learn to be sensitive to their wounds and needs.

Relationship With Noncustodial Parents. Loyalty issues come into play here. If stepchildren have a poor relationship with a noncustodial biological parent, they may find it awkward and guilt-producing to enjoy a stepparent. If stepchildren have a positive relationship with the other parent, that too can generate resistance to the stepparent. Ultimately, it is ideal for the other parent to give the child permission to bond with the stepparent. This helps children make space in their hearts for stepparents. But for many noncustodial parents, giving permission is difficult.

One of the most common reasons noncustodial parents criticize and coach their children away from a relationship with a stepparent is fear. Noncustodial parents have lost contact with their kids and may resent a stepparent for having more time with the children than they have. Loss creates the fear of more loss. If stepparents will articulate a supportive message to noncustodial parents and then live up to it, fears can be diminished and criticism may decline as well.

For example, call or email the noncustodial parent and communicate the No-Threat message: “Bob, I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about my getting between you and your kids. I respect you as their father, and I will never intentionally do anything to keep you from them. I will expect them to speak respectfully about you when in our home and will do my part to make sure the visitation schedule stays on track. If I inadvertently cause a problem, please let me know, and I’ll rectify the situation. You are important to your kids.” This informal non-aggression pact helps the noncustodial parent know what to expect from you. If negative comments about you continue from the noncustodial parent, stay in control of yourself and take the high road of righteousness. “Pile up burning coals” of kindness on their heads, even in the face of their critical words, until your good cannot be ignored (see Romans 12:20).

Child’s Temperament and Personality. Some children are outgoing, some more reserved. Variations in personality between siblings can play a significant role in their willingness to open themselves to new relationships with a stepparent and/or stepsiblings. In addition, a child’s interests in sports, music, art, computers, etc., may create an immediate connection with a stepparent that can help bring them together in a non-threatening way.

Parenting Style Variations. Stepparents who have more structured rules and are more demanding than either of a child’s parents make bonding difficult. Julie’s stepchildren complained that since moving into “her house,” she always made them take off their shoes. They never had to do that before their father married Julie. “Yeah,” said the youngest, “and she won’t let me drink my milk in the living room.”

This is not to say that stepparents cannot assert their preferences for household rules. Not drinking milk in the living room is a reasonable rule, and children can adjust to the change. Stepparents should simply understand that pulling the rein a little tighter slows the bonding process; choose your battles carefully and make sure your spouse, the biological parent, is also on board for the change in rules.

Child’s Overall Stepfamily Satisfaction Level. How much transition and loss has the new stepfamily brought to children? What is the level of conflict within the home and between homes? How well are stepsiblings getting along? How well are personalities within the stepfamily mixing—do people have a lot in common or are they strangers under one roof? Are noncustodial parents involved and secure with the amount of contact with their children? If most of stepfamily life is positive for stepchildren, the likelihood of accepting a stepparent increases. If most of stepfamily life is tense and stress-producing, stepparent acceptance decreases.

Orchestrating Nodal Events

The evolving roles chart indicates that there can be nodal events that catapult the stepparent-stepchild relationship to new levels.22 Nodal events are extraordinary occasions or circumstances that, for whatever reason, transform bonding or trust. A death or tragic situation in a family, for example, can force family members toward one another in a way never before achieved. Likewise, a positive experience, for example the birth of a mutual child, can do the same. The question is, can parents and stepparents orchestrate nodal events that potentially accelerate the stepparent-stepchild bond?

To answer that question, let me tell you a story. After losing our son, Connor, Nan and I found ourselves, by God’s grace I believe, working with rescued slave children in Ghana, Africa. The work is very rewarding; it also brings some semblance of beauty from our ashes.

Some time ago, I returned from a two-week trip to Ghana, where my wife and I, in conjunction with other nonprofits, including Touch A Life Foundation, Go Team Ghana, and Art Feeds, built an art center for rescued trafficked children. The Connor Creative Art Center is a place of healing, restoration, and creative learning for children living in the care facility. (By the way, the art center is shaped like giant Lego-like building blocks; it’s so cool!) The designers for this project included five former designers from ABC’s Extreme Makeover Home Edition TV program and two professional carpenters. Before the trip I had never met any of them face-to-face. For two weeks we worked side by side completing the interior of the art center. We worked fifteen hours a day, slept little, drank water out of bags, and lost weight in the hot African sun. And we forged relationships that bonded us for life. I barely knew those people, but today I would do anything I could for them. We entered the trenches of hard, eternally focused work as strangers, but we came out family.

Radical Road Trip. Sometimes stepfamily relationships need a kick in the pants to move them beyond the status quo. But in order for the experience to be powerful enough, it must be out of the ordinary. It must be what I like to call a radical road trip. A day trip to feed the ducks or a day spent water-skiing on the lake probably won’t cut it. An extreme experience is needed, something radical to break through the barriers.

A mission trip that takes you to a remote part of the world or a work-camp experience in an unsafe part of an unfamiliar city just might be what is needed. The benefits, of course, are many. First, an extreme mission trip teaches a multitude of spiritual lessons that cannot be learned in church. Serving those less fortunate and seeing how another part of the world lives has its own wisdom, brings us closer to the heart of God, and teaches gratitude, thoughtfulness, and respect for others. Second, the intensity of the journey—we hope—will push through any prickly barriers that exist between stepfamily members and move them to a place of trust, cooperation, and mutual respect. Nothing pushes people together like facing an extraordinary challenge together. Go create your own self-serving “crisis” and serve the Lord at the same time.23

Dating/Engaged Couples

Can you plan a radical road trip before marriage? Absolutely. Doing so can propel relationships forward, but then again, it may not. Don’t feel defeated if it doesn’t; for some children, it just isn’t real enough until after your wedding.

Summary of Points to Remember

This model of parent-stepparent roles seems to work for most stepfamilies. There is no universal way to work out your parent-stepparent roles. Be sure you are unified in evaluating your approach and step carefully together.

Early on, biological parents need to remain primary caregivers and disciplinarians. Handing off the children to the new stepparent often sabotages his or her ability to build a relationship.

Early on, parents should empower stepparents by communicating to the children their expectation of obedience. Later, even if you disagree with what the stepparent has done in your absence, support their position with the children. Then take your disagreement behind closed doors and work out a unified plan and consequences for the next offense.

Stepparents need to grow into their relationship with stepchildren. Be friendly and support the house rules. Seek to be adaptable to your stepchildren and enjoy the relationship you have.

Encourage and insist that children maintain regular, consistent contact with the parent living in the other home. Do your best to have a functional co-parent relationship.

Let children set the pace for their relationship with the stepparent. Consider each child individually. Give and expect affection, nurturance, and emotional sharing only to the degree children appear open to it.

Parents should consider stepparents’ input into child rearing. It is easy for parents who are used to having complete control over their children to discount the stepparents’ perspective. Keep in mind that, as outsiders, stepparents can see things your blind spots prevent you from seeing. Listen and consider their input.

Stepparents need to learn to be a nonjudgmental sounding board for parents. When parents get frustrated with their own children, they may confide in the stepparent. However, stepparents who begin to agree and add their own frustration may find their spouse reversing position to defend the child. The parent-child bond is indeed a protective one. Stepparents would do well to listen and affirm without criticizing the child. “I can see you are angry at Jane for lying to us. What do you suggest we do?”

Finally, but most important, effective parent-stepparent teams begin with healthy marriages. Take time to nurture your relationship, date on a regular basis, learn to communicate and resolve conflict, and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. Make your marriage a priority!

“But We’re Already Stuck. What Do We Do Now?”

You’ve done all you could, proceeded with what you thought best, but have now discovered you’ve made a number of mistakes. Perhaps you are facing some resistance or open defiance from an angry child. So what do you do now?

First Step: Evaluate Yourselves As a Parenting Team

Together with your spouse, examine the interaction between you as a parenting team.

Are you cooperating poorly?

Do you frequently disagree about rules and consequences?

Does one of you feel sabotaged by the other?

Does the biological parent frequently feel caught between his or her children and the stepparent?

Do the same conflicts repeat because they aren’t getting resolved?

If you answered yes to two or more of the above, the root of the problem likely is not the children (but certainly may be complicated by the emotional condition and behavior of the children). You have a weak parental alliance, and you must work out a mutual plan to act as a team.

Failure to function as a team is the key cause of child behavioral problems in nuclear families and in stepfamilies. Plan a time together or with your support group and decide what aspects of your parenting need to change. You may also decide to seek outside help as you work through some difficult circumstances. Remember that there are lots of ways to parent kids well. The critical element is your ability to do it together.

Second Step: What If the Stepparent Has Overstepped His or Her Bounds?

If this chapter has helped you to see that you as a stepparent moved into punishment too quickly, and it has hampered your relationship with your stepchildren, consider these points of action:

Pull back from punishment and your high expectations. Let the biological parent take over being the heavy while you refocus on relationship healing and development.

Ask your stepchildren for forgiveness and admit your misguided attempt to join the family. Seeking forgiveness displays character and models commitment to your family. A stepdad may say something like, “Hey kids. I want you to know I’m learning how to be a better stepparent. In fact, I’ve learned that I’ve been making some mistakes, like not letting you talk to your dad each night before bedtime and being a little too bossy. Can you forgive me? I really want to do better. Here’s what you can expect at this point. . . .”

Biological parents may also need to seek forgiveness for being under-involved and abdicating their primary role to the stepparent. Together you can tell the kids how each of your roles is going to change and what they can expect.

Implement the changes slowly. Stepparents must realize that forgiveness may be slow in coming, and even then, children may have hard feelings from the past. Don’t drop your boundaries to win them back. Continue to seek relationship and model respect. Remain flexible with your new plan, as you may need to make adjustments along the way.

If necessary, consult a Christian family therapist who is knowledgeable in stepfamily therapy. (It is important to ask any therapist what specific training they have had regarding stepfamilies. Many therapists have no specialized training and utilize a first-family model of treatment. That will only make matters worse. An article that addresses this matter is available at my website: www.SmartStepfamilies.com/view/findtherapist.)

I often tell parents that raising children is a work in progress. No one ever has all the right answers, and all parents and stepparents yell, scream, plead, and lose their cool at some point. None of us is perfect. That’s why we must rely on a perfect God for wisdom and guidance. I cannot emphasize enough the necessity for parents to study the Scriptures on a daily basis. The more we are transformed into the likeness of Christ, the greater chance we will become who our children and stepchildren need us to be. We must be filled with the Holy Spirit and guided by God’s nature. Only then will we be able to set an example for our children that leads them to the Father. Press on with your work in progress.

Questions for Discussion

FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)

For older children: On a scale of 1–10, how much do you think I trust your stepparent? Give me an example of what makes you think that.

Knowing I’ll be okay with any answer you provide, how much do you trust your stepparent on a scale of 1–10?

What rules have changed for you since becoming a stepfamily? Which ones have been the most difficult to adjust to? What is still confusing for you?

What aspects of your stepparent’s role have been the most difficult for you to accept?

If you were to pick, which of the following terms best describes the role you think your stepparent should have? (1) Baby-sitter (2) Uncle/Aunt (3) Parent.

Currently, what role are they trying to play? What role do you think I want them to play?

How are different children (e.g., “mine,” “theirs,” or a mutual child) parented differently in our home?

FOR ALL COUPLES

1. Stepparents, what are your most common frustrations? Now share the rewards you’ve experienced so far.

2. Review the Parental Unity Rules. Which ones are you managing well right now and which could use improvement? Brainstorm ways you can improve.

3. Biological parents: In what circumstances have you become paralyzed as a parent in the past?

4. Review the four keys to Champion the Stepparent’s Role. Which are you managing well?

5. Review the descriptions of unwise vs. wise stepparents. Rate yourself using the following scales and discuss what you’ll be doing differently when you improve in each area.

   Becoming an insider is my goal. 1 —— 7 I enjoy the relationship I have now.

   Expect too much of myself. 1 —— 7 Have realistic expectations for myself.

   Rush into parenting. 1 —— 7 Growing into my role.

   Attempt to punish before I have relationship. 1 —— 7 Moving gradually into discipline.

   Trying to replace the noncustodial parent. 1 —— 7 Encouraging noncustodial parental contact.

   Taking on the peacemaker role. 1 —— 7 Accepting difficulties and facing them.

6. Look again at the chart A Prescription for Evolving Parent and Stepparent Roles. How well are you working together as a couple? What role is most suitable for the stepparent at this point in your integration?

7. What is the stepparent currently doing to build a relationship with each child?

8. In what way does the biological parent need to be more supportive of the stepparent or more involved with the children?

9. Review the Summary of Points to Remember toward the end of the chapter. Commend yourself for what you are currently doing well and challenge yourself with areas that need improvement.

FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES

In what way have you been assuming the children will be the same (or better) with the stepparent after the wedding?

How does it frighten you to read that emotional shifts after the wedding can complicate the stepparent-stepchildren relationship?

How can you protect yourself from getting drawn into the unwise stepparent’s ineffective behaviors?

Look again at the chart A Prescription for Evolving Parent and Stepparent Roles. What principles do you agree or disagree with? Discuss how you might implement the baby-sitter role even now.

Share your expectations for your role as parent/stepparent and the other’s role. Begin developing a plan for what role each of you will play with each child. Be aware that you will likely need to adjust your plan after marriage.

Discuss what a radical road trip would look like before you marry. Is that possible?

What should you do if you are off track already with the dating partner/future stepparent’s role? See the section “But We’re Already Stuck” and discuss how it pertains to you.

Chapter 8 Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 3)

Unique Parenting Roles and Issues

My son, hold on to good sense and the understanding of what is right. Don’t let them out of your sight. They will be life for you. They will be like a gracious necklace around your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety. You will not trip and fall.

Proverbs 3:21–23 NIRV

According to Wikipedia, Heinz 57 is a shortened form of a historical advertising slogan “57 Varieties” by the H. J. Heinz Company. It was developed from a marketing campaign that told consumers about the numerous products available from the Heinz company.1

Stepfamilies have a lot of varieties as well. When the various parts or origins of adults and children, including previous marriage or singleness, divorce or death, children, no children, and/or “ours” children are thrown into the same Crockpot and mixed together, we discover not 57, but 67 possible stepfamily configurations. (This helps to explain why not everything in this book pertains to you and your family.)

These “67 Varieties” obviously result in many unique parenting dynamics, issues, and roles that don’t fit into the more general parenting and stepparenting dynamics I have discussed so far. Much wisdom is needed to know how to maneuver through and around them. This chapter will address some of the key unique parenting matters not discussed in previous chapters, including:

Adult stepchildren

Part-time parenting and stepparenting

Birth order changes and children

Stepparenting adolescents

Parenting the mutual child

Sibling relationships

Adopting stepchildren

Legal matters in stepparenting

Military Stepfamilies

For more on this family situation see the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Adult Stepchildren

Through the years I have posted articles on SmartStepfamilies.com that address what is commonly referred to as later-life or adult stepfamilies (stepfamilies where the children were already adults when their parent married). Some of the most passionate comments we receive about any topic are made in response to these articles. Adult children who feel they are being slighted and forgotten, and stepparents who can’t understand why their adult stepchildren are acting like immature children, pour out their frustrations. If you have adult children, you may be disappointed that they’re not as enthusiastic about your new love as you are. But you also need to hear from the other side—the adult child—if nothing else, to understand their perspective. Most of what you’ve read so far in this book about the emotional reactions of children applies on some level to adult stepchildren as well. But let’s dive a little deeper into what adult children are experiencing. I’ll let them speak for themselves.

One woman who anonymously called herself “step-daughter-in-law” posted:

My father-in-law began dating a few months after his wife died and didn’t tell my husband; he then forced an introduction to a woman he would later marry. This woman and my husband got off to a bad start. She then expected “insta-family” and demanded respect and the title of grandparent, all the while slamming the door in my husband’s face (literally), informing us (through my father-in-law) that we are not welcome to go to their house, and refusing any invitation to our house. She also didn’t allow my father-in-law to come to our home or to activities involving our children.

If a foreign country kidnapped a family member and controlled every interaction while holding them hostage, we’d call them a terrorist. That’s what the new spouse was doing—but what’s worse, the passivity of her husband gave her permission to do so. No wonder this adult daughter-in-law, and no doubt her husband, was hurt and threatened by the marriage.

And then there was this post from Amanda, who was wrestling with her feelings. On the one hand she wants good things for her mom, but it is coming at such great cost to her, her brothers, and the grandchildren.

Hello Ron, I have always enjoyed reading your articles and now I am entering into a stepfamily situation! My dad passed away in April 2003. Diagnosed with stage-four terminal cancer in January, he died just eight weeks later. I was pregnant with our second child, and Dad passed away only thirteen days before she was born. Mom has been my rock. We have always had a close bond, and that bond became even closer after the loss of Daddy. She has not dated or seemed interested in dating in eight years. But last December she introduced her “friend” to me, and it was very noticeable to all that he was more than a friend. It was extremely hard seeing her with someone. He is a great man and seems to care a lot about her. He lost his wife suddenly in July of 2010. Mom met him through her sister who lives in West Virginia.

They dated throughout this past year and a ring was given in June. Mom has decided to move back to West Virginia and marry him. My two brothers currently live within fifteen miles of Mom and we live just a couple hours away. My older brother has four children who adore Mom and we have two girls who are extremely close to her; they are having a difficult time with her moving fourteen hours away. I need advice. I hate to see Mom move so far away from her three children and six grandkids. She seems so “in love” that I’m not sure she has thought this out. He has two adult children with grandkids and we have yet to meet them. How awkward will that be? Meeting them for the first time at our parents’ wedding! I need advice on this! Are my feelings selfish or are they legit? Never in a million years did I think I would have a stepfamily. Thanks in advance, Amanda.

Amanda’s feelings are legitimate—and what is she feeling? Loss, loss, loss.

Her mother, who has been her “rock,” is rapidly disappearing.

Her extended family (brothers, nieces, and children) is upset, anxious, and shaken by all that is changing—and likely by what it means that their mother can just walk away like this.

She is concerned for her mother, unsure if this marriage is a wise decision.

She is anticipating new family members whom she has never met and may not like, and wondering how this stepfamily situation will impact her family.

Her mom’s decisions undoubtedly resurrect pain over losing her father—and now she fears that she is losing her mom to another man, another state, another family.

What results from these feelings is an emotional gap between the parent and children; the parent is excited about the new marriage while the adult children are not. Never mind that they are adults, this is a hard transition for them because it comes at a great cost.

The family identity is being shaken . . . again.

Every change means more loss.

Your shift in priority leaves them and grandchildren feeling neglected, perhaps abandoned, and pushed out of the center of your life. New emotional attachments compete with old ones.

Sometimes this gap is transferred to siblings who disagree about a parent’s marriage. One welcomes the marriage and one rejects it. This happened to a friend of mine who at the age of forty-eight became a stepson. He was glad his mom remarried a few years after his father died. “I like the guy,” he said. “He takes care of my mom. We play golf together.” His sister, however, was upset and jealous from day one about the relationship. She had a close relationship with her mother and felt tremendous loss when she threw herself at Harry. This difference in perspective made holidays and special family days very tense for my friend, his sister, and the extended family.

And then there are all the idiosyncratic feelings associated with the death or divorce that preceded this union. If the marriage followed the death of a parent, like Amanda they may feel a resurgence of loss for the parent who has died. In addition, after the death they may have taken emotional or financial responsibility for the widowed parent only to be losing that role now that a stepparent has entered the picture.

If divorce paved the way for this marriage, their parent’s choice to love another may awaken old wounds and wishes. “You left Mom, and now you want me to be happy with your loving another woman.” If the parent who is remarrying abandoned the marriage, this new marriage may feel like another abandonment. This anger can be especially intense if the other parent has been debilitated by the divorce. Being happy for one parent is a loyalty conflict that feels like throwing bitter salt in the debilitated parent’s wounds. All of this means the child becomes more opposed to the marriage.

About Finances

Both parents and adult children should be concerned about estate planning and inheritance matters when a parent marries again, but talking about money matters can be awkward. Don’t avoid the subject. Engage the conversation sooner rather than later. See chapter 10 for guidance.

I can hear the protests from later-life couples now: But why can’t my kids, who are grown adults, be more mature than this? I’m not excusing immature behavior, but adjusting to a parent’s later-life marriage is not as easy as it sounds. When there is a heavy burden from the past on a child’s heart or loyalty issues at play, they tend to revert to more of a childlike posture when dealing with their parent anyway. And in the best of circumstances, when like Amanda they have had a good relationship with their parent, when trying to find their fit in a parent’s new marriage, the adult child thinks of themselves more as a child.

What then is the implication of all this? First, don’t be surprised by strong reactions by adult children. You may feel that they are raining on your parade, but many of their feelings are legitimate and need to be acknowledged. Second, you should see this as an opportunity for healing. A strong reaction is telling you something. Resurrected pain from the past needs to be dealt with; healing needs to occur between the biological parent and child; forgiveness needs to be granted or sought. In all things be filled with compassion and understanding. Express your awareness to the child for how hard this must be and listen to them. Then, apply Crockpot patience and strategies as you slowly begin working toward a developing family identity. Third, make decisions that lower the price tag of acceptance for the kids. For example, a quick dating experience and a fast engagement raise the price. As I’ve said throughout this book, many parents with younger children do this, but I find that later-life couples with adult children feel greater permission to do this because they assume their children will not be significantly disrupted by the union. Rather, slow down and respect them with the pace of your dating and the timing of major decisions.

Bonding With Adult Stepchildren

For more on developing a relationship with adult stepchildren, see Susan Gamache’s Smart Question, Smart Answer in the bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Fourth, the new stepparent should extend the hand of friendship to them. Not forcing themselves on the adult children, but pursuing connection. Assuming they are open to it, the stepparent can take them to lunch, share in their interests, share photos, videos, and family stories with them. Get to know their kids and take an interest in their activities. And, as I’ve said in previous chapters, it’s best to let the adult child set the pace for how much time the stepparent spends with them or their children and how much affection is shown. Stepparents should meet them where they are.2

In addition, before and after the wedding, stepparents should give the biological parent time with their children—alone. This compartmentalization of relationships helps adult children (and grandchildren) to maintain their bonds without the constant sacrifice of having to share them with the stepparent. More often than not a stepparent will join in family gatherings. But an occasional break is helpful, especially in the early years of the marriage.

Finally, be proactive to discuss the terms or names you will use to refer to one another. Adult children need to feel their territory respected in this just as younger children do. Find something mutually agreeable and comfortable. Share how you would like the other to introduce you to others. Also, decide what names you will encourage the grandchildren to use or follow their lead. Young grandchildren may use uncomplicated terms of endearment (e.g., “Grandpa”), or you may find a variation on a family term that suits everyone (e.g., “Papa Joe”). Once you have agreed to a term, recognize that it represents their current level of openness to you and the marriage. Respect those limits and trust the Crockpot to open their hearts further as time passes. Find more on appropriate terms for stepparents in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Part-Time Parenting and Stepparenting

Part-time parenting and stepparenting is difficult, sometimes extremely difficult. Nonresidential parents and stepparents alike find remaining connected to kids and keeping influence with children a challenge. For example, when a stepchild’s visitation schedule brings them into the stepparent’s home only a few nights each month, the stepparent can continuously feel like an outsider. “I feel whatever relational gains I make during the weekend are easily lost when she goes back to her mother’s house,” said one stepmom. “It’s two steps forward and one step back all the time.” That feeling is quite understandable given the tentative nature of the stepparent-stepchild relationship. But sometimes the circumstances surrounding visitation make biological parents anxious too.

Nonresidential Stepchildren

Learn more about parenting nonresidential children in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Jackson, a father of two adolescent sons, found himself paralyzed by his part-time schedule. After Jackson and his first wife divorced, she and their boys moved over 1,200 miles away. Through the years, Jackson felt his relationship with his sons slipping; they weren’t able to talk much on the phone and when they did talk, their mother made her physical presence—and the expectation that they not talk very long—very evident. Plus, the visitation schedule only allowed Jackson six weeks in the summer with his kids, one week during Christmas break, and one week during spring break. The lack of time made Jackson discouraged; parenting them with confidence when they came to his house was very difficult. Jackson’s wife, Cathy, was the first to notice . . . and complain.

“Why don’t you discipline your children the way you discipline mine?” she demanded of him. “It’s not fair that you let them get away with things you won’t let my daughter do. And she’s noticing it—and asking why. What do I tell her?”

Jackson tried to explain his position. “You don’t understand. It’s not fair to expect me to parent my kids the way I parent yours. Your daughter is with us all the time and I can follow through with her. My kids are here for one week; that’s all I get with them, and I don’t want it to be filled with conflict or expectations. My kids don’t call me much as it is; I can’t afford to lose the time I have.”

Upon further reflection, Jackson realized that he had a great many fears about losing contact with his sons. He viewed their relationship as fragile and not able to bear much distress. He knew his ex-wife tried to hoard the children as much as she could and that she told them untrue things about his life, trying to alienate them further. Plus, he wanted them to leave his home with positive feelings toward him and his wife, not negative ones. While all of these feelings were understandable, unfortunately they resulted in boundary-less parenting on his part, a sense of unfairness in the home, resentment from his wife, and feelings of dread within everyone before each visit.

Whether you are a part-time stepparent or biological parent, here are a few suggestions to help you navigate part-time parenting.

It Is Critical That You Hear Each Other

Parents and stepparents alike need to listen to and be heard by their partner. It is common for partners to have very different perspectives and feelings about the part-time schedule. A biological parent may look forward to the weekend or six-week summer schedule, while the stepparent lives in fear of the tension it brings to the home. Both perspectives are legitimate and understandable and need to be heard, but fear sometimes prevents couples from sharing. A biological parent might, for example, misjudge their spouse who is sharing their anxiety over the next visit as saying they don’t like being with the kids. Fearing that the children will then feel rejection, the biological parent might become critical of the stepparent. This only adds to the anxiety in the home and pushes the couple apart.

Instead, both parent and stepparent should strive for objectivity and empathy toward their spouse, remembering that different perspectives about the situation are common. “I can hear how anxious you are about my kids coming this weekend; what can we do to make things go a little more smoothly for you?”

Knowing Yourself

Be aware of your fears as they relate to children and your marriage. Are you concerned that the kids will feel unwanted? Do you fear being left behind when the children come for the weekend? These emotions can block your compassion and optimism; be aware of them and ask the Lord to give you strength to overcome them.

Paralyzed Part-Time Parents Should Strive for Balance

If you, like Jackson, find yourself afraid to discipline your children due to the fear that doing so will alienate them further, explore with your spouse what a balanced response might look like. Find a balance between following through on important values and expectations and letting go of more peripheral ones. Finding this balance can only be achieved through careful and intentional conversation with the stepparent. Follow-through is vital if you are going to maintain your influence as a parent. Take the risk of acting like a parent so your children will respect you as one.3

Birth Order Changes

From a developmental standpoint, shifts in birth order can be problematic for children.4 This common shift in role and position for children is often unrecognized by adults, but it has a potent impact on children. Nine-year-old Tara was the oldest in her family until her mom remarried a man with a thirteen-year-old son, Josh. During the single-parent years, Tara gained special status with her mother by learning to set the dinner table and changing her younger brother’s diaper. She became Mom’s helper in many ways, and her efforts were rewarded with a special mother-daughter bond. Once Josh entered the family, Tara’s mom thought having him help her in the kitchen would give them a chance to bond. Without realizing it, Tara soon became overlooked and lost a significant role in the family.

Have you ever been displaced at work? Perhaps a new employee has stepped in and captured the boss’s attention. Or a competing salesperson has subtly pushed you out and taken your place. How would you feel if your boss decided to move someone alongside him who, despite your laying the groundwork for a project, got to reap the rewards? Or perhaps you’ve been in a work situation where the new employee didn’t pull her weight and the burden of training her or cleaning up after her mistakes fell on you. Can you feel your stomach tightening?

Not all shifts in birth order are this extreme, but they all represent change. Let me remind you that change brings more loss, and loss added to substantial previous losses generates weariness and insecurity. It is the continual process of change that disheartens children, and that is what parents need to be sensitive to.

In order to consider how shifts in birth order have impacted your children, try one of the following ideas:

If your children are old enough to articulate their feelings (and you are courageous enough), sit down with them and ask how their role in the family has changed since adding stepsiblings. Discuss with them how you treat them differently now and what responsibilities they have lost or gained in the new family. Give them permission to be sad or angry over what has changed, but don’t promise to restore the past (having a new family requires change from everyone). Empathize and feel sorry for their losses, but support them with a vote of confidence that they can manage the change in role or position.

Whether you can speak with your children or not, make a list of each child’s roles before and after the changes occurred. Strive to be sensitive to old roles and restore jobs or tasks when possible or replace them with new jobs. This builds a sense of importance as the child contributes to the home and receives your approval for doing so.

During the early years, spend time every week with each child away from stepsiblings so as to affirm their uniqueness.

Stepparenting Adolescents

Parenting teenagers is always a challenge, even in biological families. Stepparenting adolescents is even more fun (um, maybe that’s not the best word for it). But it might not be as bad as it seems. I’ll explain what I mean by that, but first let me remind you of a few things I’ve already discussed throughout the book that very much apply to stepparenting teens.

In chapter 6 I mentioned that the normal developmental function of adolescence is to prepare kids for leaving home. Developing autonomous thinking, an independent identity from their parent, and the ability to make decisions on their own are important processes to prepare them for life away from their parents. This natural movement away from the family can make bonding difficult; forming a stepfamily identity necessitates moving closer together, while adolescence is pushing people apart. The implications for stepparents are many. Let me briefly remind you of a few of the principles discussed in chapter 7 that are relevant here.

Early on, even before marriage, be intentional about befriending teens and young adults. Fostering shared interests and topics you can discuss together is critical to finding acceptance and openness from the adolescent. Engage them in activities they enjoy, and spend one-on-one time with them just as soon as they are open to it.

Regarding areas of their life in which they are inclined not to let you in, stand “just outside the circle.” Don’t try to push your way in or they will lock you out. Instead, be around the activity or area so you are aware of what’s going on.

Regarding discipline, it is critical early on that you respect the limits of your role and practice “baby-sitting” when it comes to punishment (see chapter 7). Let the biological parent be the heavy and live on borrowed power until you have your own. While smiling say, “Your dad wants your chores done before he gets home, and I’m here to make sure that happens.”5

You must work on strengthening your marriage (see chapter 5). If your relationship is not prepared to handle the stress of parenting, ultimately your marriage will fracture and your ability to parent with it.

Tastes Like Butter, But It’s Not

In the mid-1970s Chiffon margarine had an advertising slogan that claimed their product “tastes like butter, but it’s not.” The message: Based on taste alone it’s hard to tell Chiffon margarine and butter apart. The difficulty in stepparenting adolescents is that some of what you experience, like stepparent rejection or defiance, tastes bitter, but it’s not. Let me explain.

“What happened to my baby?” Susan asked me. “Josh used to worship the ground I walked on, and then one day he changed into this sarcastic, prickly kid I didn’t like.” That’s when her husband, Josh’s stepfather, chimed in. “Josh and I used to get along pretty well, but now all I get is attitude.” So, what do you think? Is it margarine or butter?

Given the ambiguous nature of the stepparent role, normal thorny adolescent behavior can immediately be diagnosed by adults as stepparent rejection. It could be, but sometimes it’s just the tumultuous nature of adolescence shining through (oh joy). I love the title of a book my friends David and Claudia Arp have written for parents about the challenges of parenting teens: Suddenly They’re 13: Or the Art of Hugging a Cactus. That title says it all. Prickly attitudes and behavior from adolescents are normal; don’t be too quick to judge it as being a stepfamily issue. So, how do you know the difference? One way is to notice how pervasive the attitude is.

“I wish my husband wouldn’t take Josh’s petulance so personally,” Susan continued. “Josh is just as much a pain to me as he is to Jeff.” While it’s true that some teens can target negativity toward the stepparent with more intensity, Susan’s perspective is right on. If the teen is treating their parent and stepparent equally bad (again, oh joy) it’s probably not stepfamily related. Jeff would do well not to take things personally so he doesn’t overreact and inadvertently make things worse.

As a matter of fact, I think that’s a powerful posture even if the surge in attitude is stepfamily related. Assume the best and respond to the child as if this is just normal prickly teenage behavior. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a pain! But this posture of confidence empowers you as a parenting team to respond objectively and decisively instead of being pushed back on your heels. “You may not talk to us that way. Hand me your iPod.” “You can argue with me all you want, but you’re still not going. Keep arguing and you’ll also not attend (fill in the blank). It’s your call.” (Then turn and walk away.) These are the wonderful words all of us parents of adolescents must use and stand behind.

There are other complications of parenting adolescents, as well.

Teen Depression, Sadness, and/or Anger

The multiple losses children in stepfamilies have experienced can take on a dark side when coupled with hormonal changes and the social insecurities of adolescence. Ryan talked about feeling depressed: “I have no friends. My mom and dad still fight all the time, and my stepmom treats me like I’m second class compared to her kids. Life sucks.” The ongoing parental and family conflicts surrounding Ryan brought about a depression that sometimes expressed itself in withdrawn behavior and sometimes irritability and anger. All very understandable, I would say. Obviously, there need to be some changes in the family dynamic, and Ryan needs some direct attention regarding his concerns—someone to help him cope with what can’t be changed. (A youth pastor or family therapist may be able to help.)

The Struggle to Let Go

I often remind parents that we are working ourselves out of a job, that is, if we do our parenting job well, our children will launch out of our home into independence. The irony of this for stepparents is that when it comes time to push the bird out of the nest, it can feel like defeat. “I’ve worked so hard to bond with this kid,” a stepmom shared, “it feels weird to let her go.” Yes, it can. But let her go, you must.

Striving for “Mom/Dad” Status

If you have been involved in a stepchild’s life for many years, you may inwardly long for the day when they begin to refer to you as Mom or Dad. If that doesn’t happen after a number of years, some stepparents are tempted to emotionally withdraw with hurt feelings. If this coincides with adolescence, the child can experience this as rejection by the stepparent. Stepparents need to understand that only a third of stepchildren ever grow into using the Mom or Dad label for their stepparent and that many years together doesn’t increase the percentage.6 The Mom/Dad label is generally reserved by children for their biological parents. Stepparents need to do themselves and teens a favor and let go of this expectation so it doesn’t lead to unnecessary hurt feelings.

Finally, in thinking about parenting adolescents, I’m reminded of the words of one of my favorite parent educators, Roger Allen, who once said, “I have good news and bad news about the terrible two’s. The good news is that it only lasts around 18 months—usually between ages 18 months and 3 years old. The bad news: kids are subject to relapse at any given point in time—usually around age 15.”7 All I can say is, “Amen.”

Additional Tips for Surviving the Adolescent Years

Biological parents and stepparents should talk frequently during their child’s adolescence. Bounce your perspective about the child’s behavior off the other to see if there might be another side to consider.

Teens need a safe place to process their emotional sadness. Bringing up losses or extended family struggles that have resulted from the death or divorce gives permission for grieving together. This provides a child perspective and support.

Stepparents may need to grieve what will never be. A child moving out of the home before you’ve had sufficient time to bond or not ever hearing “Mom/Dad” are just two examples. Biological parents should not be defensive about their child; rather, listen and grieve with your spouse.

Have a family meeting to discuss the changes taking place with your adolescent. Be flexible with boundaries when appropriate to show respect for their increasing independence while also maintaining the expectation that the child show respect to both parent and stepparent. (Learn about family meetings in the bonus material at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.)

Parenting the Mutual Child

Have you ever had a couple walk up to you and ask, “Should we have a baby together?” I have. It was odd at first, but then I realized what they were really asking. Couples asking this question are acknowledging the complexity of their family and showing awareness that their home is still in the process of becoming a family, and they want to know if it’s wise to have a mutual child (what is sometimes called an “ours” baby). So, is there any validity to that concern?

The results to date of social research on this subject are mixed; there is no clear direction offered from stepfamily studies. But we do have some limited impressions. For example, stepfamilies experience a wide variety of emotional and relational changes after a mutual child is born. When relationships within the home are generally stable and positive before the pregnancy, the mutual child has a greater chance of bringing a positive impact to the home. In fact, half-siblings may consider the mutual child a full sibling, which can bring a great sense of joy to everyone. By contrast, adult or older half-siblings have widely varying relationships with a mutual baby. Some are close and have frequent contact, while others are distant and neutral about the new child. Infrequent contact with the stepfamily, a lack of involvement, and the differences in age-related interests are common reasons for the emotional disconnection between a stepchild and a mutual child.8

If the relationships within the stepfamily home are generally divided, a mutual child can bring further division. Children who already feel slighted may feel jealous of the time and attention a new child receives, thereby causing resentment toward a half-sibling. The biblical story of Joseph and his half-brothers illustrates this dynamic. They all shared the same father, Jacob, but ten of Joseph’s eleven brothers were born to women Jacob didn’t cherish, and they resented the special treatment Joseph received. Division in the family can also increase unexpectedly if a stepparent, who now has their own biological child, finds themselves pulling away from the awkward relationships with their stepchildren and focusing on their biological child. The natural bonding that occurs between parent and child brings to light the tentative and frustrating process of stepparenting. Stepparents would do well to avoid pulling away and continue to invest in stepchildren and their biological child alike.9

And what of the mutual child—what unique pressures does he or she experience? Being related to everyone puts the mutual child in the center of the family’s experience. This hub position cuts both ways. On the one hand, it is a privileged position, and the child gains more attention than the other children (especially part-time children). This affords the child more influence and control in the home. On the other hand, this child may feel a constant pressure to create bonds between family members and ensure that everyone gets along.10

Finally, we know that having a baby in a stepfamily—as in all families—provides both a protective function for the marriage while at the same time contributing to lower satisfaction levels. When couples have a child together, it tends to decrease the chance of divorce as couples now share an added reason to remain together. On the other hand, marital satisfaction diminishes somewhat given the increased responsibilities of parenting. (For more on having a mutual child, see The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad.)

Adopting a Mutual Child

While stepfamily dynamics are similar when a couple adopts or births a mutual child, there’s always something unique when a child is adopted. Work with your adoption agency to anticipate how adopting might impact both the child and your stepfamily.

As you can see, the addition of a child impacts the family in many ways. At the end of the day, no one can tell you whether you should or should not have a child together. It is a matter of faith. Couples show wisdom when they continue learning about stepfamily life and honestly assess the climate of their home, but the final decision should be one of mutual prayer. Both the decision to have a child and the process of raising it is, in the end, part of our walk with the Lord. Seek his guidance and follow.

Harmony and Hazards in Parenting the Mutual Child

The birth of a mutual child sometimes sheds light on how hard people have been working as parents. As was mentioned earlier, a stepparent who didn’t have children of their own before the marriage often discovers how much easier it is to bond with, feel affection for, and parent a mutual child once one is born into the family. They didn’t realize how fragile and self-conscious they were in parenting stepchildren until they have their own.

In a similar way, partners who each brought a child to the marriage and have found it difficult to negotiate their parenting rules and standards around each other’s children sometimes discover a harmony in parenting the mutual child. Again, the change in parenting dynamics—mutual attachment to the child, mutual trust of the other’s good will toward the child, the lack of loyalty conflicts with biological parents in another home—can make a huge difference.

As you can imagine, these differences facilitate some positive dynamics around parenting, but they do create some hazards as well. Part-time stepchildren may become bitter as they watch their father spend much more time with half-siblings. Of course, limited visitation is to blame for this, but in their minds, they are being slighted or don’t matter as much to their father. In response, some children become critical of their dad or their half-sibling, while others withdraw to their mom’s house, where they don’t have to face the situation. Here’s one more example of a parenting hazard: A stepparent who for whatever reason has forgone their parenting preferences (e.g., bedtime, foods served to children, etc.) in the parenting of their stepchildren may feel entitled and empowered to assert those preferences in the parenting of the mutual child. One stepdad (now father) told me, “I couldn’t keep my wife’s ex from buying his kids an iPhone when they turned thirteen, but I’m sure not going to allow that when my son gets to be that age.”

How to Deal With a Bully in Your Home

Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Having a mutual child creates new parenting challenges. But the prescription for managing these challenges is essentially the same as presented earlier: Parental unity is a must. Negotiate the rules and standards of the home and treat all children equitably to the best of your ability.

Sibling Relationships and Parenting

In general, think of the sibling relationships in your home as a microcosm of the larger stepfamily. Much of what we know about stepsibling relationships (and it isn’t much) parallels the larger dynamics of the developing stepfamily. Let’s consider a few examples. First, as we might expect, biological ties between half and full siblings create a stronger bond and loyalty than between stepsiblings. Just as in the larger stepfamily, there is a natural insider/outsider dynamic between those who have some biological connection to each other (half and full siblings) and those who don’t (stepsiblings). When taken to the extreme, this can create coalitions of insiders who shun the outsiders, fostering jealousy and hostility. In addition, biological siblings naturally have more frequent interaction within the stepfamily—and even into adulthood—than do half or stepsiblings. Something about sharing a parent (and a mutual residence) cements family members together. Perhaps that’s why, should the stepcouple divorce, stepsiblings tend to grow distant.11

Second, there is a Crockpot at work in the sibling relationships. Young children (under the age of six), who naturally have more time in the Crockpot with siblings and who enter it at a developmental age in which they are open to new people in their lives, are more likely to develop and maintain closer relationships with stepsiblings over time than children who enter a stepfamily in the elementary or teenage years. In fact, the connection is so strong, it more closely resembles full-sibling relationships.

Third, as I’ve mentioned numerous times throughout the book, becoming part of a stepfamily represents loss to children; gaining a stepsibling can add to that. Having a stepsibling reduces, for example, an adolescent’s sense of belonging in the family. Getting less time with their parent and moving between homes (as opposed to a half or stepsibling that might not move between homes at all) might be contributing factors to this sense of distance to the family. One observable outcome of this lost sense of belonging is the trend for stepfamily adolescents to leave home at a younger age than children from biological families. Now that I’ve said that, let me balance the discussion. For some children, gaining a stepsibling is cause for celebration. “At last, a little brother!” “Now I have someone to play with.” “Finally, the girls outnumber the boys around here.” All of these are viewpoints that children may adopt as a result of becoming part of a stepfamily.

Parenting Stepsiblings

Just as stepsibling relationships parallel the larger stepfamily dynamics, parenting should reflect the larger “low-heat” cooking strategies outlined throughout this book. Essentially, encourage relationship between stepsiblings in order to bridge the natural gaps that separate them; this will deepen bonding (make it feel more “real”), encourage loyalty, break up coalitions, and make their ongoing involvement with the family more likely.

Early on foster opportunities for kids to develop common interests (e.g., play dates), take them to one another’s sport or musical performances so they can encourage one another, and orchestrate outings for teens, for example, to encourage relationship building. If they take to one another immediately, great. If not, keep bringing them together around activities they enjoy, but just as with stepparenting, don’t demand connection or affection for one another; let them figure it out.

Over time your family needs to create new rituals and traditions. Likewise, be intentional to create rituals and traditions between siblings. For example, one stepmom whose stepkids were fragmented by visitation and school schedules during the week took them for ice cream every Friday after school. It gave her some special “let’s celebrate making it through the week” time with the kids, but also developed in them an expectation of fun together. This simple ritual became part of the growing sibling identity.

How do I parent kids with different personalities?

Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Another example is the couple who built up birthdays as a special time to celebrate the person. They engaged the stepsiblings the preceding month around how they could make the child with the birthday feel cherished and appreciated. Everyone participated in planning surprises and buying gifts. Of course, the birthday was special for the child, but more than that, the planning ritual around the birthday fostered warmth in the siblings toward one another.

What about rituals that encourage physical touch or hugs? A number of dynamics intersect when giving or receiving physical touch with stepfamilies, so the overarching principle here is “try it and see.” Young children have the least concern over this type of behavior and are the most coachable: “Hug Joey and tell him ‘Good night,’” is not difficult to do. Teenagers, however, have an entirely different level of awkwardness about this and need space to figure it out on their own. (The dynamic of stepsibling attraction is also something to be mindful of; I have an entire section on this topic in chapter 11.) So what should you do? Try a number of things and see what sticks. Try having siblings hold hands during a prayer, try giving good-night hugs, try group family hugs, and try wrestling on the living room floor. Then let kids figure the rest out on their own.

If you notice a sibling coalition excluding or mistreating another child, actively pursue breaking it apart. Martin had two daughters, ages eight and six, who were the twin queens of the household. The girls didn’t much like it when Sonja, their stepsister, was introduced as another queen in the family. The sisters deliberately mistreated Sonja, left her out of play time, and said hurtful things to her. Appropriately, Martin took charge of the situation and made it very clear to his daughters that they were not to treat her this way. He and his wife put consequences into place and followed through to stop the negative behavior, but that didn’t do anything to bridge the relationship gap. They couldn’t push the girls into liking each other, so they started going on family outings in order to gently engage the girls around fun activities. Having the parents there helped to buffer the awkward stepsister dynamic. After a few months, the girls began to find their own connections.

Adult Stepsiblings

Adult stepchildren should be allowed to negotiate their own relationship with stepsiblings. It’s not uncommon for them to be cordial, but not close, given busy lives, raising their own families, and living in different areas. Family holidays and special occasions may help, but respect their time and interest limitations.

Finally, be intentional to coach children through their inevitable sibling conflicts. Helping them to manage the conflict teaches problem-solving skills (which they will use the rest of their life), but also helps to bridge the insider/outsider gaps between stepsiblings. There’s more about reducing friction in your home in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.

Adopting Stepchildren

“Should I adopt my stepdaughter?” Paul asked. “I love this little girl and I want her to know how precious she is to me. I don’t ever want her to feel like she doesn’t have a father.” I really appreciate guys like Paul; he’s got a heart as big as Texas and the maturity to go with it. He wants to do the right thing.

In circumstances like this, I wish I had a definitive answer to what Paul should or should not do, but I don’t. This is in part because variations between stepfamilies (e.g., their loss journey, composition, age of children, etc.) make a big difference in whether the family is suited for adoption, and partly because there is little research about stepfamily adoption (it’s another area of stepfamily life that hasn’t been studied very much). We don’t even know how common it is for stepparents in the U.S. to adopt stepchildren because the government does not distinguish stepparent adoptions from other “kinship adoptions,” for example, when an aunt adopts her nephew.12 We do know what is generally required for a stepparent adoption to take place. In general, adopting a stepchild requires the consent of both biological parents, unless one parent has not fulfilled their parental responsibilities or is otherwise incapable of consenting to the adoption (e.g., is deceased or mentally incapacitated).

Legal Considerations

Adoption creates a clear legal relationship between stepparent and stepchild and the power to make parental decisions for the child. Otherwise, stepparents should pursue permission to act in parental ways. See the next section on legal matters.

In practical terms, this means that the nonresident biological parent holds the power to stepparent adoption. But that’s okay, in a way, because stepparent adoption should never overpower the will of either the nonresident biological parent or the child. Neither do you want grandparents or extended family resenting a change in last name for the child. You never want an ambiguous entrance into adopting a stepchild. What I mean is, if the path is not exceedingly clear, you probably shouldn’t walk down the road. In Paul’s case, for example, he had a strong desire to bond with his stepdaughter, but the path to adoption wasn’t entirely clear. Her biological father was inconsistent in his involvement (what I referred to in The Smart Stepdad as a disengaged or deactivated dad), but periodically showed up. On some level, he still wanted to be involved in her life. This makes adoption by her stepfather legally impossible and relationally unlikely. On the other hand, a clear path would include:

A biological father who has for years proven an unwillingness to parent.

A clear decision by the biological father to relinquish his parental rights.

A clear reason for stepparent adoption (there are many good reasons—for example, establishing legal rights to the child, medical or financial benefits, preventing stigmatization, and acknowledging family unity).

A clear, established bond between stepparent and his stepchild.

That last point is extremely important. Both parent and stepparent should think of adoption of a stepchild as the capstone to the stepparent-stepchild relationship, not the path to one. Unfortunately, some stepparents use adoption as another blender strategy: They think that adopting the child will foster bonding, connection, and a sense of family among everyone. It doesn’t. All of that should occur before you adopt. When love and trust are established over time and a biological parent has relinquished their rights, a clear path to adoption is evident.

Another well-intentioned but nearsighted agenda for some parents and stepparents is adopting with a health agenda: they think adopting will improve the child’s self-esteem. Preliminary evidence suggests this is not really true. A national study comparing nonadopted stepchildren, adopted stepchildren, and children adopted by first marriage couples (not in stepfamilies) found no difference between children on any measure of well-being, at any age.13 Therefore, do not feel pressure to adopt. Rather, focus on being a healthy stepfamily. If after years of family bonding and strength, a natural path to adoption appears in front of you—and both adults and child are in favor of it—then give prayerful consideration to it. If the decision to adopt is easy, then it’s probably the right one.

Legal Matters in Stepparenting

Family law and policy around marriage and original families is clear in Western cultures. However, family law regarding stepfamilies is ambiguous and diverse from state to state.14 Laws pertaining to stepfamilies are created through the filter of the biological unions that preexisted the stepfamily. In particular, understanding parental rights in the U.S. is paramount to understanding U.S. law regarding stepfamilies. “Family law resists formal recognition of nontraditional caregivers such as stepparents, regardless of their psychological or functional roles in a child’s life, largely because of robust legal precedent that protects and seeks to maintain legal parents and responsible parenting on the part of biological or adoptive nuclear parents.”15

To determine parental rights, two basic tenets are used. The parental rights doctrine gives biological parents fundamental rights to procreate and make parental decisions for their children and the parenthood as an exclusive status tenet sets the maximum number of parents that a child can have at two and can only be changed by terminating the rights of one parent (as in the case of stepparent adoption). These tenets result in legal ambiguity for stepparents. For example, you may have developed a deep emotional and psychological attachment with a stepchild, but you can’t grant them permission for a dental checkup. (But in all fairness, legal precedent in support of biological parents is not easily altered. How could the law grant stepparent practical authority without undermining the authority of the nonresidential biological parent?) In addition, if you die without a will, your stepchildren will likely not be able to inherit from you because intestacy (without a will) and probate laws do not recognize stepchildren as qualifying for inheritance. Instead, state laws will divide assets between a spouse and any biological children or family members.16 Again, this leaves stepparents with a legally ambiguous relationship with stepchildren.

To make matters more confusing, federal and state policy send mixed messages to stepfamilies. Federal policy recognizes stepchildren as dependent children, which has implications for receiving federal aid, employee benefits, income taxes, and federal money programs. However, states treat stepparents and stepchildren as having no legal relationship. As one precedent-setting case put it, stepparents and stepchildren are “legal strangers.”17 Stepparents have fewer parental rights than foster parents or legal guardians. As stated before, without legal authorization, stepparents can’t even sign a field trip permission slip.

However, state law does make accommodation for the basic functions that stepparents fulfill. De facto parent status, simply obtained by willingly taking on the role of parent by sharing residence and providing caretaking responsibilities, affords stepparents the ability to discipline stepchildren. It also makes you accountable to parental laws, such as physical and sexual abuse prohibitions. Essentially, this allows you to function as parent in day-to-day terms (but still not having legal authority over the children). But this, too, has clear limits. Legally, de facto parent status and any financial support offered to a stepchild ends with the ending of the marriage, whether by death or divorce. After divorce, for example, a stepparent who wishes to continue a relationship with stepchildren will have to receive permission from the biological parent. A strong relationship does not afford any parental rights to the child. In the case of the death of a biological parent, stepchildren are no longer eligible for benefits and the stepparent is not legally obligated to share any inheritance money. Therefore, provision for children and the spouse after death necessitates estate planning (see chapter 10) or legal adoption (see above) that clearly grants the stepparent rights and responsibilities even after the marriage has ended.

So, what do you do in light of these realities? There are many in the U.S. who have proposed family law and policy changes that would legally recognize stepparents and provide uniform direction to current legal ambiguities. Examples include allowing, as does England, children to have three legal parents (two biological and one residential stepparent) or formalizing the de facto parent role. You could help petition for these changes, but barring these significant alterations in the law, here’s what you can do:

Be proactive in estate planning (see chapter 10). Don’t leave your financial wishes to the state or attorneys to determine.

Utilize the forms provided on my website (SmartStepfamilies.com/view/permission-forms) to grant the stepparent functional permission to make medical decisions for stepchildren, travel with them away from home, obtain school information, etc. Signed and notarized by both biological parents, the forms make it clear to all interested parties that the stepparent is empowered to act in the children’s best interests. In light of current law, these are a vital first step to empowering daily living.

Focus on building a smart and strong stepfamily. At the end of the day, relational equity is worth more than legal governances because it fosters trust from children, motivates the child’s heart to grant you influence, and invites grace from the other household.

Final Thoughts

If you didn’t find your unique parent or stepparent situation in this chapter, review the bonus material available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn. Chapter 11 addresses the important topic of faith development in stepfamilies and what parents can do when the other home’s values are undermining your efforts to instill faith in your children.

Parenting is a lifelong challenge—and privilege. Be committed to being a good parent, for we are the ones who tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord so that they will know him, put their trust in him, and in turn will tell their children all that the Lord has done (Psalm 78:1–8).

Questions for Discussion

There are no parent-child discussion questions in this chapter because the content was focused on parenting. However, if the material sparked questions you’d like to ask your child, feel free to do so.

FOR ALL COUPLES

Adult stepchildren: What insights did this section give you about the emotional responses of adult stepchildren? How might you have responded differently had you been aware of this early on? What difference will it make now?

Part-time parenting and stepparenting: In what ways is your perspective about the part-time schedule different and the same as your spouse’s? To what degree do differences in perspective make you fearful of isolation in your relationship?

Birth order changes: What changes have your children experienced? What loss has it brought to them? What challenges have they responded well to?

Stepparenting adolescents: Because teens have many choices available to them that parents cannot control, parenting can be troubling and anxiety producing. Talk through this section. What emotions did it elicit in you and why?

Parenting the mutual child: What changed in you and in your family when you brought home your mutual child? What harmonies have you discovered and what hazards are you experiencing now?

Sibling relationships and parenting: Review the Parenting Siblings section and discuss any applications you think may be helpful in your home.

Adopting stepchildren: Discuss this statement and its implications for your family. “Both parent and stepparent should think of adoption of a stepchild as the capstone to the stepparent-stepchild relationship, not the path to one.”

Legal matters in stepparenting: What steps have you already taken to provide the stepparent(s) permission to provide oversight of the children? Which forms provided at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/permission-forms pertain to you?

FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES

Adult stepchildren: Discuss together how might you “lower the price tag of acceptance” for the adult children while you are dating or engaged.

Part-time parenting and stepparenting: During dating, both biological parent and future stepparent typically enjoy the part-time schedule because it allows them compartmentalized time to date each other or be with the kids. Marriage brings a new task: learning to balance couple time and family time. Discuss how you might handle this transition when the time comes and interview one stepcouple you know who has already walked down that road.

Birth order changes: How might the children’s roles, expectations, and positions in the family change once you merge families? What can you do to mitigate the change?

Stepparenting adolescents: Teens need to feel heard. Engage your teens to hear their excitement and concerns about your relationship. Try to empower them to share their feelings and find a way to be influenced by something they say.

Parenting the mutual child: Express clearly your desire for or against having more children. Many couples skirt this issue as if it really isn’t important—it is. Find agreement about your future together or consult a counselor to help you work through this matter.

Sibling relationships and parenting: What trends are you seeing currently in the kids regarding future stepsiblings? What has worked to help foster common interests and friendship between them? What has not worked so far?

Adopting stepchildren: Before reading this section, what hopes or expectations did you have about the stepparent ultimately adopting the children? How have those hopes been modified after reading this section?

Legal matters in stepparenting: Begin discussing estate planning and how you will combine your finances after the wedding. Most people underestimate the implications of these legal conversations for their family—start having your conversations in advance of marriage. (For more on financial matters, see chapter 10.)