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Cynthia King

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A healthy family is one where all members are cohesively connected in love, while at the same time each family member is valued for their uniqueness and is empowered to grow according to their own personality, gifting, and passions.  Balswick and Balswick (2014), in their theology of family relationships, state that this healthy interdependence, while valuing uniqueness, occurs through ever deepening degrees of unconditional covenant, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.  All of Scripture speaks to God’s love for us and our need to love others.  1 Corinthians 13:13 (New International Version) says, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  Jesus defines love in John 15:11-14 when He says, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.”  Reading through the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, we see over and over again Jesus’ example of unconditional love and His willingness to lay down his life for others.

In the book of Proverbs, we find a passage which encourages parents to find the unique bent of each child and to support them in their uniqueness.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not depart from it” (NIV).  Another translation puts it this way: “Point your kids in the right direction – when they’re old they won’t be lost” (The Message).  In healthy families, parents will be observing their children from the time they are born and throughout childhood.  As the parent observes each child’s unique personality, gifts, and passions, they will make choices to support that child emotionally, relationally, spiritually, and vocationally.

My own family has had to be very purposeful to stay healthy; to love each other as unconditionally as possible, and to support each member as an individual.  My husband and I have nine children, four of whom are adopted.  We have also had other foster children in our home for short periods of time.  Each one of us has very different gifts and interests.  We have enjoyed watching each child grow and helping them find “the way they should go” in all of the ways mentioned in the above paragraph.  Having a larger family, we have experienced horizontal stressors each time a new child has entered our home, whether through birth, foster care, or adoption.  These transition times were difficult for each family member and the stress affected each of us differently.  My husband and I needed to consciously take care of ourselves and our relationship in these times.  We also needed to make certain that each child was handling the stress in healthy ways.  Spending one-on-one time with each child is one way that we have stayed connected and monitored their emotional health.  We believe it is important to be aware of the horizontal stressors impacting a family, because they significantly impact both the family system and the individual.  For our family, remembering what Balswick and Balswick (2014) term morphogenesis, has been crucial.  Our family has had to function at a morphogenesis level, “generating or creating new ways of responding to the situation” (p. 27).

Each parent brings their own vertical stressors to the family, and my husband and I were no different. The most significant for us was my husband’s experience with a verbally abusive father and my past with a controlling, criticizing, and emotionally distant mother. We were fortunate to heal from these pasts through counseling and a healing prayer ministry in the church. Adding biological children to our family did not impact us too much in this area, however, when we started to foster and adopt children with different genetic make-ups, and with histories of violence, addiction, and mental illness, there was a greater impact on the whole family system.  This is an area in which I often work with other foster and adoptive parents. It is especially important for these parents to be aware of both horizontal and vertical stressorsin their families so that they can address each stressor as it arises, not waiting until the family is in crisis.

References

Balswick, J. O. & Balswick, J. K. 2014. The Family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home, 4th ed. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic.

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