Journal 8 Min 350 words

|08|creating YOUR GAME PLAN

“Nothing will work

unless you do.”

Maya Angelou

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Where Have We Been In the previous chapter, we focused on the importance of cultivating courage as a necessary component in creating a life that is aligned with your greatest gifts, values, and, of course, engaging in the exploratory process of uncovering your personal “why.” You were encouraged to discover your “courage compass” and to use it as often as is helpful and enjoyable, but particularly when fear comes knocking. You were also taught about the astonishing power of your imagination and its ability to activate your unconscious mind’s internal GPS in helping you to move in the direction of your desired future. Lastly, you learned how neuroscience relates to visualization, feeling and experiencing yourself embody real or imagined moments in a sequence of events that aids the brain in believing them.

Where We Are Going Well, you’ve made it to the end. This final chapter of the re:MIND methodology culminates into a process of synthesizing all that you have learned in the previous chapters into very personalized “game plan” (Figure 1). We say personalized because as we lead you through this process of creating a trustworthy game plan that can weather all the storms of your life, we will focus on proactively anticipating and forecasting any challenges that might arise, so that they do not derail your progress. You see, you will want to be at-the-ready and prepared when problems surface because, as you learned in Chapter 7, your life and your legacy are too important to leave in the hands of self-doubt, or problems like fear, guilt, or anxiety. But first, we’re going to look back on your journey. Without further ado, let’s get started.

Gearing Up » To review all that you’ve learned in order to prepare you for the final step

» To re-visit the structure of positive self-talk

» To create your personal game plan

» To help you plan against multiple mindset problems

» To prepare you for future mindset problems outside your plan

Figure 1. Your game plan will prepare you for what is to come.

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Remembering Your Journey Every step of this process has been leading you to this final outcome. The opportunity here lies in combining the material in a way that makes the most sense for you given the challenges that you currently face, or that you anticipate facing in the near future. By having a game plan, you will be armed with a coping strategy that is comprehensive, reliable, and fully committed to your success. Before we dive into the game plan, let’s take a brief journey and review what you’ve learned as a way of refreshing your mind and preparing you for this final step.

Self-Talk, Self-Doubt, and Your Personal Narrative When you first started, you may not have had a clear sense as to where this journey was taking you. The process started with three students tripping over both a literal and proverbial bump in the road. Through this immediate snapshot you were initiated into how an identical event could easily be interpreted in three very different ways and the power of personal narrative was illuminated. Each of us has a very powerful personal narrative, but if that narrative remains unexamined, it can all too easily control the navigation system in our lives, and to great effect. Now, that effect may be positive, but all too often it is not. All too often it is guided and informed by negative self-talk and self- doubt, veering the narrative off track (Figure 2).

Figure 2. We all have a personal narrative that we must work to keep

on track.

We have spent a lot of time unpacking the importance of updating your self-talk and examining your self-doubt. Maximizing the latest research in neuroscience, you are now equipped with techniques to support your ability to engage in more empowering self-talk habits, like addressing yourself in the third person and avoiding the word “not” in your self-talk as it relates to your goals and affirmations. With this, we began paving the way for you to create a more empowered narrative.

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The Big 7 Non-cognitive Competencies Hopefully, you know them by now and understand how and why these seven non-cognitive skills are so essential to your success (Figure 3). Each of the competencies are important in supporting your success as a student.

Revisit Your Mindset Inventory

The Mindset Inventory you took at the beginning of this course created a baseline for identifying where you were when you started. It’s time to revisit your Mindset Inventory as a way of capturing how far you’ve come!

Figure 3. Remember these seven non-cognitive competencies; they are

essential to your success.

When you think about the seven non-cognitive skills, remember the importance of practicing a growth mindset because it serves as the container within which all the other non-cogs must be practiced. Embracing your mistakes, your vulnerability, and your openness to trying something new (and getting out of your comfort zone) is what will best prepare you to cultivate greater strength in the other six non-cognitive competencies.

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Problem-Saturated Stories As you continue to reflect on and revise your narrative, remember the difference between “mindset problems” and “situational problems” so that you can identify problem-saturated parts of your narrative and work through the problems that sneakily attempt to monopolize your self-talk and increase your self-doubt (Figure 4). Not only do mindset problems limit the development of non-cognitive competencies, but they can also become pervasive feelings. Situational problems will always exist as part of life, but by learning how to work through your mindset problems, you become more competent in the face of situational problems.

Figure 4. Knowing what is a mindset problem and what is a situational

problem will help you identify

problems in you narrative.

Problems like procrastination, avoidance, worry, guilt, and fear can become so pervasive that they hold the potential to limit the development of non-cognitive competencies. Don’t allow confirmation bias to defend the faulty beliefs that problem-saturated stories work to promote.

Managing Feelings and Emotions You should now understand the difference between emotions and feelings, as well as the science behind how we experience emotions and how we assign feeling labels to those emotions. Remember that you have a great deal of control over the emotional process. You are now someone who experiences feelings and emotions, rather than someone who is their feelings and emotions. Your feelings and emotions do not define you. This distinction is important because of the potential for uncomfortable or painful emotions and feelings to become so strong that we begin to identify ourselves with them and believe the distorted thoughts that often accompany them.

Being more mindful and present through the practice of controlled breathing and meditation gives you an additional emotional coping strategy. The lifespan of anxiety is very short, for example, unless you are caught in the grips of the past, or forecasting into the future and cultivating a bodily connection to the stillness of the present moment is paramount in creating greater calmness and peace in your life. Again, simply noticing feelings in the moment, observing them, and releasing them is a route to increased presence and calm (Figure 5).

Figure 5. Being able to process your feelings gives you the control you

need to keep them from defining who

you are.

Cognitive Reframing and Externalizing Problems Diving into neuroscience, specifically neuroplasticity, we examined how your brain is capable of building new neural pathways and networks. Even if you’re steeped in problematic thinking habits or overwhelming feelings, neuroplasticity enables you to interrupt habituated ways of reacting to thoughts and events in your life. This capacity for plasticity allows us to practice seeing events in our lives differently—we can view the same event from a different perspective as part of the concept of cognitive reframing. Use this as an invitation to re-examine and re-author your narrative and where you’ve seen yourself and placed yourself in your own life story.

YOUR GAME PLAN | 139 At the core of narrative coaching is the concept and practice of externalizing your problems. This principle is best communicated in the following statement:

“You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.”

Keeping that statement firmly in mind when facing your mindset problems is critical because challenging the effects of the problem as an extension of who you are often generates feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, defensiveness, and blame. Instead, you are encouraged to participate in a process of inquiry that seeks to name the problem, understand the scope of its impact, and get creative and curious about how to outsmart it, calm it, be compassionate to its original intention, and then create a new response to it.

Finding Exceptions to Problem-Saturated Stories Outsmarting problems is essential as you work to liberate yourself from a personal narrative that might be problem saturated. A critical way to gain freedom from problems is through identifying exceptions to them. Your eyes are now open to how problems shape your self-talk, increase your self-doubt, create and intensify mindset problems, and alter both the lens and the frames through which you experience your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and beliefs. With that knowledge, you can begin the process of intentionally finding times in your life when the problem did not dominate your narrative. Doing so enables you to invest in a better story—one that holds much greater potential to lead you in the direction you prefer (Figure 6).

Figure 6. Identifying exceptions allows you to invest in a story that moves in a

direction that is best for you.

By engaging in the process of answering narrative questions, you can cultivate a new and more preferable story. You are given license to emerge as you uncover how some of the Big 7 non-cogs have already been active in your life. Connected with some of your strengths, you are also given the opportunity to rename the non-cogs as a way of becoming more familiar with them by finding language that reflects your unique personality and style.

Practicing Courage and Finding Your Why We hope to have inspired you to live even more courageously, and you know that a conversation about courage is not complete unless it also addresses fear. You have developed new inroads to explore what it is you want to do with your life and how to continue to pay attention to what part fear plays as you become more conscious of how to cultivate courage.

Be sure to continue to take advantage of the activities that invited you to investigate your “why.” The activities where specifically chosen to engage you in a way that focuses more on discovering your joy, your interests, and your values, and less on heightening any pressure to figure out precisely what you want your life to look like in five years, a prospect that may feel daunting at this juncture in your life.

The importance of having a why is that it will be the connection between your every day actions and your long term vision. Knowing your why will help to keep you motivated and on track, especially when fear pays an unwelcome visit. Continue to use your imagination to manage fear. Practice the process of visualization so that you can activate your unconscious mind to work as your own personal GPS, moving you closer to the future you’re working to create.

YOUR GAME PLAN | 140 Finally, if you have not done so already, find your courage compass. It is through this that your emotions can be mobilized and you will be inspired to do what is necessary to honor your personal why, rather than what is easy or keeps you in our comfort zone.

The Structure of Positive Self-Talk and Your Future At this point, it would be useful to revisit the concept of self-talk. More specifically, the cultivation of positive and more empowering self-talk. Though this topic has been covered a great deal throughout the previous chapters, we cannot stress enough the importance of recognizing self-talk and how much it affects your personal narrative. You already know how inescapable and universal self-talk is. It’s not like you’re going to learn how to live with a completely silent mind. It just doesn’t work that way. Your self-talk serves as an opportunity for liberation from your problems. By now you awareness has been raised enough to be conscious of when your self-talk is either negative or self- critical or both. Simply interrupting negativity and self-criticism is key; the next evolution, however, is to practice two interventions, particularly when a mindset problem surfaces in your self-talk: talking to yourself in third person and avoiding “not” in your self-talk.

Talk To Yourself In the Third Person We touched on this briefly in Chapter 2, but want to remind you of how powerful this concept can be toward improving your self-talk and/or disrupting the flow of negative self-talk.

Using third-person pronouns or your own name during self-talk can improve emotion regulation and self-control by helping to self-distance and reduce the tendency to rely too heavily on your own perspective and/or have a higher opinion of yourself.1

Typically, our negative self talk sounds something like this:

“Ugh, I got this wrong again. What is wrong with me?”

When we try to update that self-talk to be more positive, the traditional way would be to sound more like this:

“I know I can do this. It’s difficult, but I do difficult things all the time. I’ve got this!”

Research is suggesting that the more effective way to use self-talk is to talk to yourself as if you’re talking to someone else, as it supports continued emotional self-regulation:2

“You can do this, Josh! You do this kind of thing all the time. You’ve got this!”

When you engage in third person positive self-talk, take a moment to think about how it makes you feel afterward. The main objective of this method is to help you gain a new perspective and to interrupt negative self-talk before it becomes part of your ongoing personal narrative. The secondary objective is to help you move forward by putting you into a more empowered mindset and positive emotional state.

Avoid the Word “Not” As you become more practiced in creating positive self-talk, it will be imperative to be aware of one common tendency many of us have. This is the tendency to define what we will NOT do as a way to create positive habits. Let’s say that you are tired of being so stressed all of the time and you want your future to be one of more calmness and composure. Many of us, thinking that we are creating powerful and positive self-talk, may find ourselves saying, “I do not want to be so stressed in my future job,” or, “I will not leave things to the last minute,” or even, “I will not allow fear to sabotage my personal relationships.” Although we may know the intention we’re after, our brain does not hear the “not”.

Results from a number of studies are suggesting that when you try to put a thought or emotion out of your mind while stressed, it’s actually more likely to come back stronger.3 This is referred to as ironic process theory, or ironic rebound—the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface. It’s like when you say something like, ““I will not think of a white bear,” and then from that moment forward you can’t get the thought of white bears out of your mind (Figure 7). (We use the white bear, or polar bear, example because that is what was traditionally used when this phenomenon was being studied.) By saying to

YOUR GAME PLAN | 141 yourself that you will “not” do something, it’s possible all you will be able to think about is doing it! To avoid this phenomenon, structuring your self-talk to be in the positive—like, “I will get things done right away,” or, “I want a future job that is fulfilling”—can go a long way.

Figure 7. Try not thinking about a white bear and you’ll find you can’t get

white bears out of your head.

Ironic Process Theory the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface

Angela’s Experience with Self-Talk Angela grew increasingly aware of how frequently her thoughts were shaped by fear and insecurity. She would often find herself being critical of not only herself, but of others as well. As her awareness of this tendency grew, she started to notice the situations where this would happen most frequently, and she worked to silence and replace the negativity more consistently.

She noticed that her self-talk was most critical when she was walking to class alone or sitting down at the beginning of math class. She would hear herself say things in her head:

“I am such an idiot for thinking I have any chance of passing this class.”

At first, just noticing this was a huge wake-up call. The self-talk had become such a regular pattern of thought that she had not realized how controlling of her moods and belief it had become. When she initially attempted to interrupt the self-talk, she found herself saying this instead:

“I am not going to worry so much; I’ve got this. I will not procrastinate and I will not get distracted. I need to stop being so negative.”

She felt like this was such a positive step forward, but it did not seem to be making much of a difference. However, as she began to learn more about brain science, she soon applied what she was learning so that her eventual self-talk evolved:

“Angela, you’ve got this. You will get more things done on time and practice staying engaged and attentive while in class.”

These words eventually became somewhat of a mantra that she recited in her head while walking on campus alone or as she sat through her math class. At first she wasn’t sure she totally believed them, but she chose to have faith in the process and make sure what she was saying was actually realistic, and this was key.

If her self-talk seemed too far fetched or too far of a leap from where she was, she simply wouldn’t believe it. She had to find that sweet spot—that self-talk that was aspirational, but at the same time something she could actually

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The Game Plan It is finally time to condense what you have been learning into a clear and re-usable framework: your game plan.

As you moved through the previous chapters, you worked through each of the steps of the re:MIND methodology. Now that you have done this, your responses will serve as the components of your game plan. This is important and here is why: you will want to have them at-the-ready, rather than feeling the pressure of remembering them or discovering them in a moment of intense stress. By having learned the steps, you have engaged in a deliberate process of training your mind to look at things from a new perspective; you were creating new thinking patterns akin to something like muscle memory, a form of procedural memory that involves consolidating a specific motor task into memory through repetition. It will be important to continue to reflect on your personal narrative during those times when you are feeling calm and less stressed so that you continue forming the habit.

imagine her future self doing. What she found quite quickly, though, was that repeating her updated self-talk really did help her feel better. It was as if talking to herself in the third person gave her distance from the situation. In other words, it did not feel like there was something “wrong” with her when self-doubt arose; when she spoke to herself in the third person, she had more of a compassionate perspective than what she typically afforded herself.

She was realizing over a pretty short period of time that she was growing more confident and courageous in practicing many of the behaviors her self-talk was promoting. For example, as she practiced, she found herself doing her school work on time and staying focused while in class. It wasn’t magic or anything, but it did seem to make a difference and, all importantly, it gave her a sense of agency against her negative self-talk, enabling her to be more proactive. Also, to her surprise, her mental chatter grew less negative, and when the negativity did show up, she knew how to address it. She started to find that her mood lifted, as well, but more on that to come.

Muscle Memory a form of procedural memory that

involves consolidating a specific motor task into memory through

repetition

The Game Plan: Main Problem Edition What do you do when you are in the middle of a problem-saturated story? You are feeling stressed and anxious and all of the negative self-talk you have been trying to avoid is coming at you full strength. The downward spiral is real and you know you need to stop it, but it feels like an impossible task because your problem is working super hard against you. The good news is that you have previously identified times when you escaped the grip of the problems AND you have a game plan for this exact situation.

Figure 8. Once you’ve plugged all the answers into your game plan,

you’ll have something to look at when

problems try to take over.

“It takes just as much energy to wish as it does to plan.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

YOUR GAME PLAN | 143 The first goal is to create a game plan for each of the main problems that you have previously identified while working through your personal narrative. This way, even when the problem (or problems) seems to be taking over your mind, you know that you have something to look at and fall back upon to get you through the difficult times and back to being your empowered self (Figure 8). The best part? You already did all the work and now you are just plugging in the answers to create your game plan!

Step 1: Recognize the Problem Recognizing which problem is presently trying to gain control over your mindset is where we’ll start. The familiar negative self-talk and self-doubt have reared their annoying heads. Now that you are aware of what it sounds like and are familiar with which problem this specific self-talk and self-doubt are working for, you can alter the outcome.

In this first step, you choose a problem and define the circumstances within which it’s most likely to occur and the self-talk that you have learned to associate with it. You worked in Chapters 2 and 3 to identify the information you will need, so now you just need to plug it in!

» Which mindset problem is this game plan for?

» When does this problem seem to most likely occur?

» What negative self-talk do you associate to this problem?

» What positive self-talk can you practice to disrupt the problem’s attempt to take control?

When thinking about when the problem occurs, be detailed about the circumstances that can trigger it. This can include things like time of day, type of activity, previous emotional state, level of hunger, level of energy, who you interact with, and so on.

Angela’s Game Plan: Step 1

Angela has worked hard and is now ready to put what she’s learned into action by creating a game plan for what she considers her main problem.

Mindset Problem: Avoidance

Trigger: Whenever I am in a situation that requires me to ask for help from someone I don’t know or who is an authority figure, or when I have to do something that makes me feel overwhelmed or scared like dealing with financial aid, I tend to avoid the situation. Also, if I’m hungry or tired I’m much more likely to avoid doing something important if I think it will add to my stress. I especially struggle with avoidance when I’ve already tried, didn’t like the result, and have to try again.

Negative Self-Talk: I can’t do this right now. Why is this so hard for me? I don’t know that person and they are going to think I’m an idiot for asking for help with this. I’m so annoying. Why did I think I could do this? I don’t belong here. I should already know how to do this.

Positive Self-Talk: This is important to you, Angela, and you can get this done. You can do this, Angela, and you will be happy to have it done. Spiders are scarier than this, Angela, and you handle them like a pro. You don’t let it sit there making you feel worse! You’ve got this. Other people ask for help all the time. Your questions are justified and asking for help is a sign of strength.

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Step 2: Manage the Feelings and Emotions You’ve recognized the problem and that you are in the midst of a problem-saturated story that invites feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, or stress. These feelings need to be acknowledged and worked through so that you can move forward with a clear head and be present. First, remind yourself that you are not your feelings and emotions. You feel them, but they do not define you. When you become aware of the feeling or emotion, recognize the physical sensations that accompany it; this will help you observe the problem without judgement (Figure 9). Knowledge you gained from Chapter 4 should provide what you need.

» What physical sensations do you typically feel when the problem is present?

» What feelings have you identified for this problem? What new and more empowered names do you have for those feelings?

» Does this feeling need to be communicated? Do you need to journal, talk to someone, shout, or cry?

» Which breathing exercise or meditation will you practice to help bring yourself back to the present moment and help you move through the uncomfortable feelings further so that you can release them?

Angela’s Game Plan: Step 2 Feeling good about filling out Step 1 of her game plan, for the problem of avoidance, Angela reviews what she learned about her feelings and emotions and gets ready to write down her responses for Step 2.

Remember and Repeat: I am someone who experiences feelings and emotions but I am not my feelings or emotions.

Physical Sensations: When anticipating a task, I get kind of shaky and jittery all over, like I had too much caffeine. Sometimes I start to sweat. My face gets red and hot, like I have a sunburn. Since I’m all anxious when I start, if I have to ask for help, I talk in a quieter tone than I normally would, which often requires me to repeat myself. Depending on how long I’ve put off the task, I might also feel a little nauseated or I get a headache.

Feelings: Anxiety, Overwhelm, Fear

New Feeling Name: Anxiety = Ruminating Anticipation, Overwhelm = Multiple Feelings, Fear = Fluttering Nervousness

Relaxation Technique: 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise

Do I Need To Express this Emotion? Yes , I want to call my sister and share what’s going on.

Figure 9. Recognizing physical effects will help you observe a feeling or

emotion without judgement.

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Step 3: Externalize the Problem Your mind is back in the present moment and you are ready to move forward. You repeat the mantra, “The problem is the problem, I am not the problem.” Now it’s time to look at the problem from a new perspective. Review what you learned and worked on in Chapter 5 to assist you with the answers you need.

» What has this problem been trying to convince you of?

» Does the problem want the same thing for your future that you do? What do you want that the problem is keeping you from?

» Was there a time when the problem was trying to help you, and now you need to gently remind it that you are going to be okay without its assistance?

» What externalizing statement will you use to help yourself get unstuck from the problem?

Angela’s Game Plan: Step 3

Working on her game plan is starting to give Angela confidence that she can face avoidance with a clear and present mind. She even practiced her favorite breathing exercise before moving on to complete Step 3.

Remember and Repeat: The problem is the problem. I am not the problem.

Problem Wants Me to Think: You are timid. You are scared. You are not to be trusted with the responsibilities in life.

What You Want: I want to be confident in myself. I am responsible. I am capable. I am stronger than avoidance.

Let it Go: Yes, please! Thank you, avoidance, for any help that you provided me in the past to protect me. Now it’s time for me to decide for myself what is important.

Externalizing Statement: Avoidance really wants to keep me from getting important things done. Things I really care about. Avoidance is not trying to help me move forward and be successful in my choices.

Step 4: Remember the Exceptions to the Problem Remembering the times the problem didn’t take control is a key factor in rewiring the way you think and react to the problem. Additionally, recognizing your “hidden” qualities and wins is extremely important (Figure 10). In Chapter 6, you dove deeply into these concepts through the use of narrative conversations. The insights you gained during that process are now used to complete this step of your game plan.

What are some of the “hidden” non-cognitive qualities you identified about yourself, and what vernacular did you use to describe them?

» What exceptions to the problem-saturated story were you able to identify?

» What abilities did you assign to the times those exceptions occurred?

» What words did you use to describe someone else who demonstrated those behaviors?

» What statements did you make about yourself using those words?

» What would improve most in your life if you chose to believe those things about yourself?

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Angela’s Game Plan: Step 4

Angela knows that remembering the exceptions to the problem-saturated story can be really hard when she’s in the middle of an Avoidance tornado. She believes that having those reminders at her fingertips when she needs them will be extremely helpful.

Hidden Qualities: Growth Mindset = Curiosity, Perseverance = Focused , Confidence = Courageous, Emotional Intelligence = Empathetic

Successes: I needed to get my college application submitted by a certain date. I had a deadline and I was really nervous about whether or not I would get in, but I completed it, wrote my essay, and got the entire application submitted way ahead of time. By doing so, I ended up finding out I got accepted a lot sooner than I expected. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Another example is when my student housing got messed up. My parents were working and I had to drive up to the university by myself to talk to the student housing people to get it resolved. Instead of waiting until the last minute to take care of it, I drove up the day I found out there was an issue. I was so excited to start school that I didn’t want anything to mess it up; I wanted to make sure my dorm situation was sorted out well in advance. I got a little lost trying to find the building, but I managed the feeling of anxiety all the same. I thought for sure I was the only one who had somehow messed up their housing form. It turned out there was a problem with one of the main dorms and the school was having to move people around. It was crazy because so many students were there for the same reason. Once I talked to the housing person, I was all set and it felt so good to have gotten it done.

Abilities: Capable of getting things done, self-reliant, determined to move forward, ability to manage anxiety in a potentially very stressful situation

Descriptive Words: Capable, Focused, Courageous

Statements: I am capable of and focused on accomplishing my goals. I am courageous when meeting new challenges.

Life Improvements: Having something looming over my head makes everything else harder, especially when I want to do something else I enjoy. I would reduce my stress and anxiety a lot by getting done what needs to be done right away. I would feel good being done. I am learning to tolerate discomfort in the present moment for a more stress-free future.

Figure 10. Recognizing your wins will help you rewire how you think and

react to the problem.

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Step 5: Connect to Your Why When things are feeling difficult and the problem is working its hardest to derail your progress, staying connected to your “why” is what will keep you moving forward. In Chapter 7, you spent time thinking about and getting to know what drives you toward your goals. Writing that down, practicing visualization and seeing it each day, as well as reminding yourself of it when feeling stuck in a problem-saturated narrative, helps bring back perspective and shift your mind back into a more empowered narrative.

» What is your why?

» What do you visualize as part of reaching your why?

Angela’s Game Plan: Step 5 Angela put a lot of thought into this part of her journey. She realized that although she wasn’t yet sure exactly what she wanted to do with her future, exploring her joys, interests, values, and legacy really helped her connect to why she is in college and why she is determined to graduate. She focused on the details of her visualization so that it would feel very real in her mind; instead of just seeing it, she experienced it, as if it were happening in the moment.

My Why: I like to help people. I like to listen to and be there for them. Those are the moments that I am my best self. I value family, compassion, honesty, service to others, and financial stability. I want to be remembered for being kind, reliable, helpful to others, a good provider, and, most importantly, for being able to help my family financially.

Prepare My Mind: Before I begin my visualization, I will repeat my breathing exercise to make sure that my mind is more peaceful and I am more calm and present.

Visualization: I’ve just had dinner with my parents—spicy lasagna, and it was amazing. While still sitting at the table, I tell them that I would like to drive them somewhere, but it is a surprise. They look a little confused, but are happy to go. Dad says his usual dad thing about any minute he gets to spend with me is his favorite. I grab my purse and we head to the car.

Now I am driving my parents to the furniture store. My dad is sitting up front with me and my mom is sitting in the back. Through the rear view mirror, I can see her looking out the window, trying to figure out where we are going. It’s a warm evening, and the air conditioning feels good on my face. I pull into the parking lot and park the car. I’m so excited—my heart is beating fast.

My parents look so confused. They ask me why we are at the furniture store. I tell them that they will find out soon enough and we get out of the car. We walk to the front of the store and I open the heavy glass door. They pass through quietly as I hold it open for them. Once inside the store, I walk my parents over to the recliner section and I can see in their expressions that they are trying to guess what I am up to. Their faces light up when they see the big, squishy recliners all lined up in neat rows. I remembered visiting this same section when I was little. I would sit in every recliner. I also remember how much my parents seemed to like them, though they would never spend that much money on something for themselves.

I tell them that my new job is going very well; I earn enough to cover what I need with some left over. They interrupt me to tell me how proud they are that I got through college and that I’m doing so well. I get a little embarrassed, but I do like to hear them say it. I tell them that I’ve been putting money in a savings account specifically to buy them some new recliners for the family room. My mom’s hands fly to her mouth in surprise; my dad tries to tell me that I don’t have to do that. I tell him that I will not take no for an answer and that it would make me really happy to do this for them. My mom has to sit down because she is so surprised and happy. My father hugs me and I think I actually see a tear in his eye. Now I have tears in my eyes. The happy feelings are a bit overwhelming, but in a good way. After a few moments our emotions settle in, and we all start trying out different recliners. They pick two shiny black leather ones that are perfect. It’s a good day.

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Step 6: Embrace Your Courage Fear happens. You know this. It can feel especially dominating when a problem is working overtime to disempower your narrative. You know that you are stronger than the fear wants you to believe, but sometimes you need a quick reminder or distraction, or you need to just get pumped up and out of your own head (Figure 11).

» What gives you courage when you are facing fear? What is your courage compass (song, poem, quote, etc.)?

» How will you keep your courage immediately accessible to you?

Figure 11. You are more courageous than your fear wants you to believe.

Angela’s Game Plan: Step 6 Angela was happy that her game plan for managing avoidance is almost complete. But, there was one final and important step—she had to find the right courage compass to give her inspiration and energy when faced with fear. After much investigation online, which was actually quite fun, she decided on a song that was a perfect fit and a perfect antidote for self-doubt.

Courage Compass: “Brave,” by Sara Bareilles

How to Access: I will save it on my Favorites list in the YouTube app on my phone and play it whenever fear or avoidance attempt to show up or take over.

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The Game Plan: New Problem Edition As much as we would love to be able to say that you will never have any new problem-saturated stories in your personal narrative, we can’t. Life is life, mindset problems are sneaky about trying to push their way into your narrative, and it’s completely normal to face new uncomfortable feelings and emotions. So the question becomes, what do you do when some new mindset problem is lurking with it’s best friends: negative self-talk and self-doubt? Since you are not likely in a highly reflective state while in the midst of a stress spiral, we suggest the following actions:

1. Start by looking at a game plan you already have and repeat some of positive self-talk you’ve already identified. It may not match exactly with the negative self-talk that is bombarding your mind, but it will help interrupt the negative thought patterns.

2. Practice the breathing or meditation that you use to slow your thoughts and help you to become more present. Getting your mind to a peaceful place will help reduce the stress the problem is creating for you. Perhaps you’re holding an emotion that needs to be expressed: What form of expression will be best to help release that emotion?

3. Once you’re feeling more present, repeat your “why” and practice your visualization.

4. Tap into your courage compass.

Now that you’ve gotten through the emotional overload of a new problem-saturated story, find some time to work through it. Using the techniques you learned, reflect on the new problem-saturated story to identify the problem, recognize and name the emotions and feelings and express and release them, externalize the problem, find the exceptions to the problem, and create a game plan for when it crops up again in the future (Figure 13).

Figure 13. You are now equipped to deal with any new mindset problems

that show up.

The Game Plan: Plug-and-Play Edition If you only have one problem saturating your story, then one game plan is all you will need right now. But a lot of us don’t have just one mindset problem working to disempower our personal narratives. Sometimes multiple problems are working together to undermine our success. Some mindset problems are bigger or smaller and come and go. If, as you were working through the chapters, you identified more than one mindset problem that has the goal of disempowering your narrative, then make a game plan for each one (Figure 12). Follow the same steps and answer the same question as you did for your main problem game plan. By doing so, you will always be prepared and ready to face each problem head-on!

Figure 12. If you have multiple problems undermining your success,

have a game plan ready to plug in for

each problem.

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References 1 Bergland, Christopher (2017). “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotional Regulation.”

Psychology Today, July 28. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the- athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

2 Moser, Jason S., et al. (2017). “Third-person self-talk facilitates emotion regulation without engaging cognitive control: Converging evidence from ERP and fMRI.” Scientific Reports. Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-017-04047-3

3 “Ironic Processes.” Psychology. Retrieved from https://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social- psychology/control/ironic-processes/

Where the Rubber Meets the Road Now that you have your game plans ready, the next time you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with negative self- talk, self-doubt, and all that stress that comes with it, you have what you need to succeed. Match the self-talk to the problem or identify that you may have a new problem. Practice the breathing exercises or meditation that helps you get your mind back to a place of greater calmness and presence in the moment. Read the exceptions to the problem to remind yourself that the problem does not have to be in control all the time—you can often minimize it. Remember your “why.” Walk through your visualization and play/watch/read/listen to what helps you embrace your courage.

Alternatively, maybe you aren’t yet in the overwhelmed state of mind, but you are anticipating it in the future. Your game plan works for that, too, because you can start getting yourself mentally prepared by reminding yourself to be mindful of your self-talk.

Problem? What problem? You just totally crushed it, or you’re well on your way to crushing it!

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