Proposal

Throughout my advice, I will copy/paste text from your paper highlighted in yellow, and may then show corrections or suggested changes in blue. I will also use bold or italics to point out things I’m fixing.

Although we will cover revisions and rules, your professor’s instructions always take precedence over any advice you receive from the EWC.  If you have any questions, refer to your assignment guidelines first and don’t hesitate to ask your professor to clarify any unanswered questions.

Assignment Management

Bobby, next time you submit your assignment to the EWC, please copy and paste the assignment instructions from your professor into the Description box so the writing tutor knows what they’re expecting. Thank you!

Thesis & Organization

Goals:

· Articulate your thesis, argument, main idea, and/or purpose clearly.

· Organize your document or presentation in a manner that promotes understanding.

· I can’t tell what your thesis is. What’s the main argument of your paper? That’s usually the last line of your introduction, and gets the reader interested in what you’re writing. It focuses your paper.

· Thesis statements: A thesis statement states the main idea of your writing assignment and helps control the ideas within the paper. It’s not just a topic, but demonstrates an opinion or judgment that you as the writer made about what you’re reading. A strong thesis statement gives your paper direction and limits what you need to write about, and it also informs your readers what you will discuss in the body of the paper. All paragraphs of the essay should explain, support, or agree with your thesis.

· Tips on writing a thesis statement (Gustavus College): https://gustavus.edu/writingcenter/handoutdocs/thesis_statements.php

· (Purdue OWL): https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/the_writing_process/thesis_statement_tips.html

· Thesis Statements (UNC Chapel Hill): http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/thesis-statements/

· Organizing your drafts: (UNC CH): Having a well-organized draft means that it flows well—the introduction tells the reader what the paper will be about, the following paragraphs flow easily from one to another, supporting the main points in the introduction, and the conclusion wraps the paper up in a satisfying way. Each paragraph needs to be a cohesive whole with a main topic sentence, supporting sentences, and concluding sentence. And ALL paragraphs are there to support the thesis statement in the introduction.

· http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/reorganizing-drafts/

Development & Research

Goals:

· Develop coherent paragraphs, points, and/or sections so that each is internally unified and functions as a part of your entire document or presentation.

· Tailor your communications to the audience.

· Provide sufficient support for your ideas

· Integrate material from research (if required) smoothly into your own content.

· You’re using your personal experience quite frequently throughout your paper. Not having seen the assignment, I’m not sure this is what your professor expects you to do. Double-check with him that your personal experience is expected and acceptable in this assignment (usually academic papers have a more objective tone).

· You’re missing strong topic strong topic sentences for each of your paragraphs. Your paragraphs don’t have a focus, and they ramble. It makes it hard to understand the flow of your paper.

· For instance, this paragraph covers multiple things—organizational culture, poor management, and poor customer service. Which is it about? It needs to have one focus: The restaurant is designed and structured in a way that it can support the customer service in addition to the good customer friendly organizational culture. The organization is also faced with some poor leadership in the management, there is also a lack of consistency and limited rooms for the customers. The way the company operates is not consistent and it is just messed up, there is some time when the customer turned away because of poor customer service and organizational culture (Hickman & Silva, 2018).

· Developing Paragraphs/Topic sentences: The first step of developing a paragraph is to have a topic sentence, which directs the rest of the paragraph—it controls what the paragraph is saying to the reader. It tells the reader what you’re going to cover in that paragraph, and the concluding sentence wraps it up. Everything in the middle supports that topic sentence, and all your paragraphs support your thesis statement mentioned in your introduction. UNC Chapel Hill has a great handout on developing paragraphs, which covers topic sentences: http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/paragraphs/

· You need to define what transformational leadership is (p4): There are leadership styles such as transformational leadership is one of the factors that has been found to have a huge influence on the ways in which the follower’s approach and behave when they are dealing with customers.

· This is an assumption—just because a leader portrays a certain style doesn’t mean the staff will then adopt certain characteristics: When the leaders portray this style then the staff will be assertive, goal-oriented and self-confident as they work.

· Don’t say “always”—it’s rarely ever true (p5): The transformational leaders will always drive the organization towards positive change.

· Confusing: The frontline employee needs to be given training and they can be able to advocate and sale for the staff.

· What hotel are you referring to? I’m confused: The hotel will need to have a customer service that will be trained in a program that will be designed to empower the staff to provide the hospitality services as well as uphold customer service standards.

· This isn’t true—change depends on lots of things (p6): For an organization to be able to make changes, it wholly depends on the employees. The employees may either be positive about the proposed change or resist it.

· What do you mean by “cultural issue” (p7)? The company will also need to understand the cultural nature of both the customers and the employees. Once the organization has understood the cultural issue then they can be able to deal with the barriers and implements the changes

· You have to define these leadership styles: The leadership style seems to be an autocratic type of leadership because they have not been supporting the independent thinking amongst the employee so as to meet the customer needs. The company can make use of the coercive style in the leadership since they are going to be useful in the restaurant. The creation of dependence on the leaders to be able to address the risk-averse the culture (Adeola & Sergi, 2016). 

· I don’t understand your entire Employee Training section. Use a source to support the value of employee training.

· You don’t have a conclusion.

· Conclusions: http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/conclusions/

Formatting & Citations

Goals:

· Format paper according to the rules of required style.

· Cite sources according to the rules of your required style.

APA Format: Great job on your formatting—very professional.

APA General Format (from Purdue OWL): https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/general_format.html

APA References:

· Only use the author’s first initial for the first source—instead of Jacqueline, just “J”.

· Also, don’t use all caps.

· Only capitalize the first word in the title and subtitle, and not every word.

· Use a hanging indent—first line is flush left, and the next line is indented .5”. You have most of your with a first line indent.

· Put sources in alphabetical order.

APA Reference list: basic rules: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/reference_list_basic_rules.html

APA in-text citations:

· Don’t use all caps in your in-text citations.

APA In-text citations: the basics: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/in_text_citations_the_basics.html

Grammar & Mechanics

Goals:

· Use sentence structure appropriate for your task, message, and audience.

· Follow conventions of Standard Written English.

You have a lot of problems with your writing, grammar, and sentence structure. Many of your sentences are poorly written, confusing, or grammatically incorrect, making it very challenging to get through your paper. You need more in-depth, one-on-one help, and I would highly suggest getting an in-person writing tutor if you continue your academic writing career.

· This is a run-on sentence: The company that I have selected Dicks' last resort of Nashville, I have been working with for the last few years. Rephrase like this: The company that I have selected is Dick’s Last Resort [always capitalize each word—it’s a proper noun], where I have been working with for the last few years.

· Sentence Fragments / Run-ons (UNC CH) http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/fragments-and-run-ons/

· Capitalization rules (Grammarly): https://www.grammarly.com/blog/capitalization-rules/

· “of”: This organization has good prospects and I also have dreams pf furthering my career in the hospitality industry sector.

· “chose”: The reason why I choose this organization was that it is one of the few brands that have made a good mark in the hotel industry sector.

· What does “good mark” mean? Use evidence to back up your claims.

· Making an Argument (UNC Chapel Hill) http://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/argument/

· This sentence is confusing: This would make my career to be propelled to help me achieve better goals in life.

· These are cities, not countries: The company was founded in 1988, the dick’s last resort of Nashville has owned and operated in many restaurants in countries like Boston, Las Vegas, Nevada, Texas, San Antonio, and even san Diego.

· Dick’s in Nashville is just one of the locations.

· No comma needed after “that’: Therefore, I came to conclude that, this was the best organization that I wanted to work with in order to get the experience I needed.

· Commas (UNC Chapel Hill Writing Center): https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/commas/

· Support customer service how? The restaurant is designed and structured in a way that it can support the customer service in addition to the good customer friendly organizational culture.

· “customer-friendly”.

· Hyphens (Grammar Book): https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/hyphens.asp

· “just messed up” is too informal of language for a college paper: The way the company operates is not consistent and it is just messed up, there is some time when the customer turned away because of poor customer service and organizational culture.

· Customers aren’t turned away because of organizational culture, but that can contribute to poor customer service.

· Which—the leadership or the leader? The leadership, the leader does not have a well defined and clear vision of their brand.

· Not sure what this means: The customer management is seen not to be working within the lead roles.

· Give an example: The level of customer satisfaction is very important to make the company be a success and therefore many organizations have been investing more on the sales training to meet the customer needs.

· I thought this was part of Dick’s entire schtick? The staff played a huge role in the customer service dissatisfaction, they could even go to the extent of criticizing the menu and even giving the customer their own suggestions.

· “customer’s dissatisfaction”

· Capitalize cities (page 3): Some of the last resort outlets such as Orlando, California, Ohio, san Diego and new port Kentucky franchises, these are some of the ones that have closed.

· Your paper is full of comma splices (run-on sentences)—you need to review the paper thoroughly to catch them all.

· Comma splice: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-splice/

· Not sure what this means: The staff did not have the customer management skills so that they can understand the customer at their own perspective.

· Don’t understand about “recognize…the organization” means: Poor workplace or the organizational culture leads to the failure to recognize the customers and the organization n, therefore, fails to follow the standard in their operational procedures

· All Dick’s employees? Or just the ones in the Nashville store? Or again, is that the point of the company and you’re saying that has to change? I can’t figure out if it’s intentional or they’re just hiring poor staff (p4): A Dick’s Last Resort employee lacks courtesy, they are disrespectful and in addition to that, they are also rude.

· “withstand” (p5): The restaurant will need to provide better services so as to be able to stand competition.

· If you’re going to introduce a list, include the list immediately after (p7): The company will need to develop a change in the management program that entails the following:

· “address issues” (plural) (p9): It is the expectation of the company and the employees to be able to address the issue and fix them swiftly.

· Confusing: The organization needs to come up with some policies, more so, the customer approach strategies that will help to attract the customer.