Reflection

OMEGA, Vol. 64(4) 335-356, 2011-2012

THERAPEUTIC IMPLICATIONS OF CONTINUING

BONDS EXPRESSIONS FOLLOWING THE

DEATH OF A PET

WENDY PACKMAN, JD, PH.D.

Palo Alto University, California

BETTY J. CARMACK, RN, ED.D., CT

University of San Francisco, California

RAMA RONEN, PH.D.

Palo Alto University, California

ABSTRACT

Through the exploration of 12 continuing bonds expressions (CBE), this

current study investigated the grief reaction and continuing impact of the

death of a pet. Thirty-three individuals were interviewed to determine the

degree of connection maintained with the deceased pet and how that affects

their coping. Findings emphasize that the majority of respondents frequently

maintain ongoing meaningful ties with their deceased pet through the use

of CBE such as fond memories, rituals, dreams. The findings suggest that

it is not the number of CBE but the degree of adaptability that is sig-

nificant. The importance of recognizing the unique, total experience of

those grieving the death of a pet is addressed. Implications for those working

with and supporting those in grief are included. Future directions for research

are described.

INTRODUCTION

“With great love comes great grief” (Carmack, 2003, p. 5). The death of a beloved

companion animal induces a grief reaction of comparable severity to the loss of a

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doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.2190/OM.64.4.d

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significant human relationship (Archer, 1997; Carmack, 2003; Clements,

Benasutti, & Carmone, 2003; Cowles, 1985; Field, Orsini, Gavish, & Packman,

2009). “The emotional attachment which many humans develop for their pets . . .

frequently transcends the emotional attachment which they form with humans”

(DeGroot, 1984, p. 283). Indeed, many bereaved pet owners say that they would

rather lose their spouse than their pet (Carmack, 1985).

A large number of individuals (70-80%) describe their pets as family members

or consider pets as children (Cowles, 1985; Toray, 2004). Voith (1985) investi-

gated the potential that humans have for developing strong attachment relation-

ships with pets and found that certain types of attachments that humans developed

with their pets have the quality of a parent-child relationship. Similarly, in a survey

of pet households in North America, Stewart et al. (1989) noted that most people

treated pets as family members; and Carmack (1985) noted that pets are often

talked to as if they were small children, often being referred to as “my baby.”

The death of a pet is experienced in a manner similar to human death in terms

of sleep loss, days missed from work, and other psychological and social diffi-

culties (Quackenbush, 1985). Gerwolls and Labott (1994) assessed whether the

loss of a pet was different from the loss of a human companion (i.e., parent,

spouse, or child). At 2 and 8 weeks post-loss, the grief score (Grief Experiences

Inventory) of those who had lost a pet were similar to those who had lost a

human companion. Moreover, at 8 weeks and 6 months post-loss, there were not

statistically significant differences in grief scores between the two groups. Many

of the specific reactions associated with bereavement following the death of

a significant human relationship have been reported following the loss of a pet

(Archer & Winchester, 1994). Carmack (1985) described several features of

grief: anger, often directed toward the veterinarian; difficulties eating, sleeping,

and concentrating; and avoidance of painful reminders. By way of example,

Carmack reported the case of a woman who slept on a couch downstairs to avoid

the painful reminder of sleeping in her own bed, which she had previously

shared with her cat. Similarly, Weisman (1990/1991) described features of

grief such as preoccupation with thoughts of the pet, and mistaking sounds

and sights for a lost pet.

Weisman (1990/1991) found several common themes among those grieving

a pet. These include anthropomorphism, empathy, regret, and flashbacks as

well as a tendency to view the deceased animal as a primary attachment figure.

From his perspective, the extent of grief may approach clinical proportions,

especially in individuals who “valued their pets more than friends or relatives”

(p. 246). Weisman (1990/1991) concluded that animal bonding is a unique

relationship unlike other relationships and suggested individual and support

group counseling as an effective method for reducing grief symptoms.

Archer and Winchester (1994) used a pet loss questionnaire based on reactions

following human bereavement to study the occurrence of grief following the

death of a pet. They found that following the loss of a pet, there are grief reactions

336 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

parallel to those following the death of a human. Over half of the respondents

reported that their initial reactions were numbness and/or disbelief. Greater than

half endorsed preoccupation with thoughts about the pet; and a similar propor-

tion felt that “a part of them had gone” when their pet died (p. 267). Over half

stated that they were drawn towards reminders of their lost pet. About one-fourth

endorsed the urge to search for the pet or stated that they avoided thinking

about the loss or reminders. About one-fourth endorsed anger and negative

affect such as depression and anxiety.

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF

Disenfranchised grief results when a person experiences a grief reaction, yet

there is no social recognition or validation that the person has a right to grieve

or a claim for social support (Doka, 1985, 2008). Unfortunately, the death of a

pet may not be fully recognized or validated by spouses, friends, or acquaintances

as a significant bereavement. The authors propose that pet loss is a form of

disenfranchised grief. As a result, grievers are often isolated and left without

societal support. In the case of pet loss, many people may not perceive the death

of a pet as a cause for intense grief, yet, as shown above, research has demon-

strated strong ties between pets and humans and profound reactions to loss

(Archer & Winchester, 1994; Carmack, 1985, 2003). While it would be con-

sidered inappropriate to tell a new widower to find another wife, “urging a

bereaved pet owner to get a new pet immediately is almost commonplace”

(Podrazik, Shackford, Becker, & Heckert, 2000, p. 376). Indeed, statements

such as “He was just a cat” or “You can always get another one” add to the

isolation and distress many bereaved people experience (Toray, 2004).

THE CONCEPT OF CONTINUING BONDS WITH

BEREAVED PET OWNERS

There has been increasing attention in the bereavement literature focusing on

the function of a “continuing bond” in relation to coping (Field & Friedrichs,

2004; Field, Gao, & Paderna, 2005; Stroebe, Gergen, Gergen, & Stroebe, 1992)

and adaptation following the death of a loved one (Klass, Silverman, & Nickman,

1996). It is now generally accepted that despite the permanence of physical

separation, the bereaved can be emotionally sustained through a continuing

bond to the deceased (Field, Nichols, Holen, & Horowitz, 1999). Thus, resolving

grief does not involve ending a relationship (detachment), but instead involves

a reorganization of the relationship with the deceased (Field, 2008).

The phenomenon of continuing bonds has only recently been labeled as

such in the pet bereavement literature (Carmack & Packman, 2011; Packman,

Field, Carmack, & Ronen, 2011). Previously, similar concepts were described in

relation to pet loss (Carmack, 2003; Cowles, 1985; Podrazik et al., 2000) though

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 337

not labeled continuing bonds per se. For example, in Cowles’ (1985) study,

she reported that bereaved pet owners experienced an ongoing attachment with

their deceased pet in several ways. First, memories of the deceased pet were

reported by all participants. The memories of the deceased pet were, at first,

very painful but most owners eventually derived comfort from recalling “special

times” with their pet. A second common response was an unconscious attempt

to locate the pet (i.e., searching behavior). Third, the majority of participants

retained special items as remembrances of their deceased pet (collars, food

dishes, blankets, and favorite toys).

Carmack (2003) found that several clients described illusory phenomenon

in which they actually seemed to hear or feel the presence of their deceased pet.

Podrazik et al. (2000) described the importance of rituals as a way to continue

a connection with a deceased pet. Rituals such as planting a tree can serve to

“unite and mold the significance of the deceased within their life.” By using

such rituals, the attachment bonds can be reworked to transform the deceased

pet into an internal representation that is based on meaning, memory, or emo-

tional connection.

In this article, the authors demonstrate how the “continuing bonds” concept

applies to the human-pet relationship and describe the unique, ongoing relation-

ships and bonds formed by bereaved pet owners following pet loss.

METHOD

The Study

The current study investigated the grief reactions and continuing impact of

the loss of a pet on bereaved pet owners. The Continuing Bonds Interview (CBI)

of Field, Packman, and Carmack (2007) was used to evaluate the degree of

connection that the bereaved maintains with the deceased pet and how that bond

affects functioning. This interview-based CB measure is designed to investigate

the different facets of CB and goes well beyond simply assessing extent of CB

usage to distinguish whether the CB expressions are indicative of poor adjustment

versus successful adaptation to the loss (Field, 2008). Although CB with the

deceased can serve to facilitate and enrich the grieving process, CB may also

be expressed in a maladaptive way (Field et al., 2005; Hsu, 2007). We describe

how the bereaved preserve and maintain an ongoing attachment to the deceased

and the extent to which they are able to use continuing bonds expressions for

emotional regulation in coping with the loss of a pet.

Participants and Procedures

Participants were required to be at least 18 years of age and must have lost a

pet through death within 12 months from the date of data collection. A total of 33

individuals between the ages 25 and 79 (average age of 45.57 years) participated

338 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

in the study. The sample included 27 females and 6 males; 81.8% (n = 27) of the

sample were Caucasian. Of the total sample, 57.6% (n = 19) lost their dogs, while

42.4% (n = 14) lost their cats. The deceased pet’s age ranged from 3 to 20 years

with an average age of 12.79 years. The majority of participants (69.7%; n = 23)

lost their pets due to major illness (see Table 1). The participants’ own description

of their relationship to their deceased pet is provided in Table 2. As detailed in

Table 3, the participants’ reported highest sources of support were pets followed

by spouses/partners.

Potential participants were solicited through the distribution of flyers at

various locations such as veterinary clinics, family centers, practicum and intern-

ship sites, and at a pet loss support group. Research packets were sent to indi-

viduals who were willing to participate and who met the eligibility criteria. The

packet consisted of an introductory letter, instructional sheet, informed consent,

and standardized objective measures. After returning the completed packet to the

investigators, participants were contacted to schedule an interview. The interview

consisted of a demographic questionnaire followed by a semi-structured clinical

Continuing Bonds Interview (CBI). All of the interviews were audio taped and

transcribed. Prior to the onset of the study, the protocol was approved by the

Institutional Review Board (IRB) of Palo Alto University.

FINDINGS

Use of Continuing Bonds Expressions

In these next sections, we describe how bereaved pet owners maintain an

ongoing attachment to their deceased pet and the extent to which they use CB

expressions in coping with the loss of their pet. We investigated the different

facets of CB and asked participants whether they had any of the following

experiences:

1. sensing the presence and a continuing connection with their deceased pet;

2. thinking they heard or felt their pet’s sounds or movements (i.e., intrusive

symptoms);

3. talking to their deceased pet;

4. recalling fond memories;

5. dreaming of the pet;

6. holding onto or using special belongings of their pet in order to feel close;

7. creating memorials, shrines, or attending special events in tribute to their

deceased pet;

8. being drawn to places associated with their deceased pet;

9. learning lessons from their pet;

10. being influenced by the pet in making everyday decisions and choices;

11. attempting to carry out or live up to their deceased pet’s wishes; and

12. having thoughts of being reunited with their pet.

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 339

340 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

Table 1. Demographic and Background Information (n = 33)

Mean Range

Age of participant at time of interview Age of pet at death

45.57 12.79

25-79 3-20

Frequency Percent

Gender Male Female

Type of pet Dog Cat

Marital relationship Single Married/Partnered Divorced

Highest level of education High school College Graduate school

Racial/ethnic background Latino Caucasian Asian/Pacific Islander Wiccan Other

Household total yearly income Less than $25,000 $25,000–$49,000 $50,000–$74,999 $75,000–$100,000 More than $100,000

Cause of death (more than one selection possible) Natural anticipated cause (e.g., old age) Unexpected cause Major disease (e.g., cancer) Other

6 27

19 14

13 15 5

2 13 18

2 27 1 1 2

5 6 5 7

10

9 5

23 7

18.2 81.8

57.6 42.4

39.4 45.5 15.2

6.1 39.4 54.5

6.1 81.8 3.0 3.0 6.1

15.2 18.2 15.2 21.2 30.3

27.3 15.2 70.0 21.2

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 341

Table 3. Sources of Support

Question: Rate (1-5 scale) each one of the sources of support from whom, if

anyone, you have received help.

Variable n M SD

Pets

Spouse/partner

Support group

Friends

Other bereaved pet owners

Family

Nature

Counselor/therapist

Veterinarian

God/Supreme being

Work colleagues

Clergy, minister, rabbi

Family physician

29

18

18

31

27

27

27

20

27

21

24

11

15

3.76

3.61

3.56

3.39

3.33

3.15

2.89

2.80

2.78

2.52

2.17

1.64

1.53

1.4

1.4

1.5

1.3

1.3

1.5

1.5

1.2

1.6

1.4

1.1

1.0

1.1

Table 2. Relationship to Pet Who Died

Question: How would you describe your relationship to the pet who died? Please check all that apply.

Relationship Frequency Percent

Parental (e.g., mom, dad)

Best friend

Partner/significant other/soul mate

Other: protector, assistance dog, family member, sister, mentor

27

25

18

5

81.8

75.8

54.5

15.2

Note: Participants could choose more than one response which explains why the sum of the percentages is greater than 100%.

If the participant endorsed CB expressions, they were asked to describe and rate if

the experience was comforting, distressing, or both comforting and distressing.

Sense of Presence and Intrusive Symptoms

Respondents were asked if they had a sense of their pet’s presence or spirit

coming back, being with the person, comforting or guiding the person. Of the 33

interviews, 22 participants (67%) reported a sense of their animal’s presence after

death. For some this occurred within the first month after the death of the pet.

For others it came later, while for others it was a continuous experience extending

from the time immediately after death up to the time of the interview. Responses

ranged from a subjective sense of presence to actually seeing and/or hearing one’s

pet. The subjective sense of presence was described by one young woman:

When I volunteer at animal shelters and mobile vans, it has felt like she

(my dog) is looking down at me and I have a vision of her—she is there.

When I am teaching kids at camp, I feel her. It is a sense of gratitude I have

that she is there.

Another woman talked about the sense of presence of her dog Hannah, as a spirit

coming back to comfort and guide her:

I noticed a week after Hannah died that my heart was closing up. My heart

was so open and big and huge the last week of my dog’s death . . . it was

an amazing experience. I felt so open-hearted and the next week I felt my

heart was shriveling. I noticed after I had taken a new dog home, a week

later, (as a foster parent) that my heart felt more open. Then, I took my

new dog camping and I decided that I would pray to Hannah and to St. Francis

and whatever they told me to do I would do to decide whether to adopt the

dog or take him back to the rescue organization. I went on a long hike

and I was sobbing for miles and talking to Hannah and saying “I don’t

know how you can expect me to love another dog.” I didn’t know what

to do. Then, this image came to me of my heart with a crack down the

middle and the new dog standing in the little crack. I decided that is my

answer. I have to adopt because he is standing in the crack helping to heal

my heart and keep it open.

On the other hand those respondents who actually thought they saw or heard

the pet described it in terms of, “I really thought she was there . . . like I thought

I saw her sitting on the floor or something and I’d come back in the room and

know she’s not there.” Another respondent stated, “yeah, I’ve had a sense of his

presence from . . . ever since the day he passed. But I saw him in the flesh,

physically last week . . . here in the house. But I’ve felt him when I’m laying down

here at night . . . many, many, many times.” A 29-year-old woman mentioned that

another of her cats also sensed the presence of the deceased cat.

Eighteen participants (55%) reported experiencing intrusive symptoms (i.e.,

thinking they heard or felt their pet’s sound or movement). As would be expected,

342 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

there was overlap between respondents’ descriptions of the experiencing of their

deceased animal’s presence and the perception of intrusive symptoms. Some

respondents denied feeling their pet’s presence but acknowledged hearing or

feeling their pet’s sounds and movements. For example, one respondent denied

having felt her dog’s presence but acknowledged that during the first month after

death she felt she mistook her dog for another:

I would go in the park and then see a tail, or I would walk around the corner

and see a tail, and I would follow the dog. I actually thought for some

reason I had lost him or something, like he was still around. That was the

first month but not any more.

Talking to Deceased Pet

Respondents were asked if they continued to talk to their deceased pet and

if they felt that the pet was actually there and aware of what the respondent

was saying. A majority of respondents, 25 out of 33 (76%), indicated that they

continued to talk to their beloved animal companion. A few respondents talked

to their pets as if they were still here saying things like “good morning, good

night, and hey, love you little guy.” Many others reported that they tell their

deceased pet how much they deeply miss them—“I miss you . . . I wish you

were here. You would like this or you were a good dog.” The majority of

respondents did not think that their pet was aware of what the pet owner was

saying. However, some participants were not certain if their pets were aware but

hoped that they were. One participant longed for acknowledgment from her pet:

“I miss you . . . please come and see me or please give me a sign.”

As part of this construct, respondents were asked if they experienced a sense

of unfinished business (e.g., regrets, self-blame, guilt). Seventeen out of 33

participants (52%) described regrets they had about not spending enough time

with their pets or wishing that they had “taken them to the vet earlier” or “provided

better food” or better “medical care” so their pets may have lived longer.

One respondent stated: “I’m sorry I did this to you. I regretted staying too long

at school when he had a seizure.” Another respondent “begged for her cat’s

forgiveness. This little thing was left in my care and I just really feel like I

failed her. She shouldn’t be dead.” Another respondent mentioned “being angry

at God” because his cat was taken from him.

Fond Memories

Remembering special times with the deceased pet appeared to be an important

and common theme. Thirty out of 33 (90%) participants reported focusing on

fond memories such as thinking back to birthdays, family events, holidays, etc.

For most individuals, fond memories were experienced spontaneously; they

did not purposefully try to think about fond memories to help them cope with

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 343

the loss. Most participants described fond memories as both comforting and

distressing. For example one man noted:

It is really distressing because . . . oh, just everything . . . going to the market,

not having him there, running errands. . . . I can’t go to the beach yet, but going

to the park even walking down the street was hard. I think about him all

the time, and everything is a memory. And it’s distressing because he’s

not there. So no, it’s not good happy. It’s good happy memories but it’s

upsetting. At the beginning it was distressing and now it is comforting.

On the other hand, a woman described a memory which she found comforting:

A couple of my clients who are really depressed, when he would come in,

their faces would just kind of light up. One in particular would sit over there

and he would just go sit in front of him and look at him until he got some

attention and kind of brought my clients out of that depression.

Dreams

Twenty-five (76%) respondents reported having had dreams at some point

about their deceased pets. Data analysis did not indicate any relationship or

pattern between time since pet’s death and occurrence or non-occurrence of

dreams. An analysis of this section showed that the participants’ memories and

descriptions tended to be more vague than for the other CB constructs. Many

believed they had dreamed of their animals but they were unable to remember

the specifics of the dream. Some participants were frustrated that they did not

experience any dreams about their deceased pet, while others described imprecise

and somewhat disjointed dreams. Among those who were able to remember the

specifics, a 28-year old man stated:

I remember that both our dogs were there and we were walking, hiking

something like that, and she seemed young and happy. After I woke up I

thought it felt like she was maybe saying that she was all right.

Another respondent reported distressed feelings:

I did have one recently that had two cats that didn’t look like them, but it

was them. And I remember thinking that I forgot to give them their fluids

and treatments, and that’s really all I remember about the dream. In that

particular dream I don’t know if I was distressed at the time but after the

dream I became distressed.

For some participants, no matter how comforting or pleasant the dream, when

they woke up, the realization that the pet had died was distressing. One woman

described her experiences that while she was having the dreams it felt “great”

but when she woke up “it was a very cold, empty feeling.”

344 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

Belongings and Possessions

Participants were asked a series of questions about what they had done with

their deceased pet’s belongings and possessions. They could choose more than

one description. Twenty participants (61%) kept some items for other animals

to use. Seventeen participants (52%) sorted and kept special items as a memory.

Seven participants (21%) stored but did not fully sort through possessions. Five

participants (15%) kept all belongings exactly as they were when their pets

were alive. Three participants (9%) got rid of all possessions.

Participants were then asked two specific questions:

1. have they held onto or used any special belongings/possessions of their

pets in order to feel close to them; and

2. have they avoided looking at their pets’ belongings and possessions to

avoid becoming upset.

The vast majority of participants (79%) held onto or used special belongings/

possessions of their pets in order to feel close to them. One 48-year-old woman

stated: “I wear his dog tags and I sleep with his service harness under my

pillow and I sleep with his duck and squirrel squeaky toys.” For her, the

experiences were both comforting and distressing. A similar experience of both

comfort and distress was exemplified by a 42-year-old woman: “I’ve lain on

his bed and I have his paw print on my necklace; the vet did a paw print

before he died. So I touch it, I don’t ever stop wearing that, I sleep with it

and I touch it all the time.” Our findings are similar to those of Cowles (1985)

who reported that a majority of participants in her study retained special items

as remembrances of their deceased pet (collars, food dishes, blankets, and

favorite toys).

A way to mitigate the pain of grieving is by maintaining the feeling that

the bereaved is nearby (Parkes, 1998). One way to do this is by holding onto

special belongings as a symbolic representation of the deceased. The majority of

our participants experienced an ongoing connection with their deceased pet by

holding onto special items as remembrances. Parkes (1998) writes that another

way to mitigate the pain of grief is by avoiding thoughts of the loss by not

looking at the deceased’s belongings in order to keep from becoming upset.

Sixteen participants (49%) acknowledged that they avoided looking at their pet’s

belongings or possessions in order to keep themselves from becoming upset. In

addition, participants struggled to find a balance between keeping belongings

as they were and removing some or all of the possessions. This struggle is reflected

in a 67-year-old male, whose cat died 4 months before the interview. He kept all

of the cat furniture (steps and stairs) in the exact same place, noting:

It was one of those psychological things where you don’t want to move

it because you’re admitting that thought (that the cat died). It was really

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 345

silly and I knew I was doing it, but I felt some comfort with it in a way

almost. And then finally I took it downstairs.

Memorials and Rituals

Rituals and memorials facilitate grief by transforming something sad into

something that is easier to accept. Memorials help grievers say “goodbye,” and

allow persons to honor and express appreciation to their animals for having

shared their lives.

Of the 33 interviews, 20 respondents (61%) described creating, holding, or

attending rituals and memorials for their pets. Of these 20 respondents, 15 (46%)

reported them as comforting. For some, the ritual or memorial was created

immediately after the death. Others needed time to think about what they wanted

to do to honor their animal. For some participants the ritual or memorial was

private while for others friends, family, other animals, and veterinary staff were

included in the ritual or memorial.

Respondents described the types of rituals and memorials they created: setting

up home altars on which were placed, for example, photographs of the deceased

animal with the box of ashes; tying a t-shirt with the pet’s painted picture to

the bedpost; creating a home shrine; making a keychain out of the cat’s hair;

making scrapbooks, writing poetry and music; scattering ashes on a beach;

donating money to a dog who needed a wheel-cart in honor of a deceased dog;

hanging a chime for the deceased; and taking the deceased animal’s ashes to

an animal sanctuary.

Participants differed as to what they perceived a ritual or memorial to be.

One man had set up his cat’s photo along with the box of ashes but when asked

if he had participated in the creation of a ritual or memorial answered, “No.”

He went on to say:

You know we talked about it, and I just didn’t want to do it. And I’m not

even sure why I didn’t want to do it. I think I was feeling so much emotion.

I still am, you know, I still don’t know that I’d be ready to sit down with

anybody that I can think of that would appreciate how I felt about losing

him. But we know friends who have done that and it was very cathartic

for them, but I just wasn’t ready for it.

Although the participant did not perceive it as such, the very creation of photo-

graphs with boxes of ashes, for others, was the definitive creation of a ritual or

memorial. Sometimes, individuals create ways to honor their beloved pets but

they do not necessarily think of them as a memorial. Participants were asked if

they felt their deceased animals were aware of the rituals and memorials created

in their honor. Only one person felt her animal was aware, “since I believe she

can hear and see what I’m doing, whether she can really appreciate what I’m

doing, I don’t really know.”

346 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

Associated Places

Participants were asked if they felt themselves drawn to places they associated

with their deceased pet. Eighteen (55%) acknowledged feeling drawn to places

either within their home (bedroom, home office, patio) or outside (walks, parks).

For the majority of participants (10 out of 18; 56%), feeling themselves drawn

to such places was a source of comfort. One participant, a 60-year-old woman,

stated that “the bedroom was my quality time with her . . . and I saw my cat there

twice out of the corner of my eye.” For this woman, being in the bedroom was

very comforting as well as moderately distressing. Some of the participants

mentioned taking the same walking route now as they did with their deceased

pet. One 29-year-old woman stated:

I would do the same stuff with my new dog, like the same route. We’d

walk the same routes and see the same people. . . . I eventually took comfort in

that. . . . Part of me sort of hoped maybe I’d see her or, at least, see a dog

that she was friends with. That gave me a lot of comfort because I would

be able to visualize in my head the times that they played together and

things like that. I guess to an extent, I was kind of seeing her in other

dogs because it would bring back those memories.

Although not directly asked, there were a number of participants who reported

that they actively avoided going to the same places because the distress was

too intense. This avoidance was reflected in statements such as: “There are

places I can’t even go near, I can’t go to pet hospitals”; “I actually avoid specific

places when I am home”; “No—just the opposite I go the other way”; and “I am

not drawn to places, I back away.”

Lessons Learned and Everyday Decisions and Choices

When respondents were asked about lessons they learned from their deceased

pets such as “courage” or “inspiration,” 26 (79%) endorsed lessons learned.

Nineteen of these 26 (73%) reported these lessons as comforting to some degree.

Lessons varied. Most were of a positive nature. For example, one respondent

said, “I’ve learned just by his existence and what he was. I’ve learned a deeper

respect for life by watching him and what he was capable of. He gave me a

much more profound respect for animals.” And another verbalized, “The tenacity

of spirit, the calm stoic, the sweetness; you don’t have to be noisy to be heard . . .

your enthusiasm can be the calm stillness, she was a very calm, sweet dog.”

Another woman talked about the lessons learned from her dog:

She (her dog) rehabilitated herself . . . in her resiliency . . . its amazing what

we have in ourselves that I don’t have to press other people for recovery,

that there’s a natural spirit of resiliency . . . but she has taught me that, you

hope people can recover and adapt to their disabilities . . . but there are

also times when you have to let them find their path.

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 347

Respondents were asked earlier in the interview if they found themselves

making everyday decisions and choices based on what their deceased pet liked or

disliked. Only seven acknowledged this affirmatively. Thus, it appears at first

glance that even though 26 endorsed learning lessons from their deceased pets, this

does not necessarily translate into being influenced with everyday decisions. Yet,

on closer inspection, one can see that the question related to everyday decision

making relates to more specific decisions and behaviors, such as going to the pet’s

favorite places or buying the kind of food the pet liked. In contrast, the question

related to lessons reflects more of a broader and more generalized lesson of values.

Live Up to Pet’s Wishes

Fifteen (46%) respondents acknowledged that they do try to live up to their

pet’s wishes such as “taking care of myself and reaching out to others.” One

woman acknowledged:

I have really shitty relationships. The girls (her two cats) had to go through a

lot of that. . . . In the last year I started a new relationship and true to form

it has some incredibly difficult problems that I know I need to walk away

from. . . . I know my girls would want me to walk away, and I carry that with

me when I think about it.

A 28-year-old woman stated that “feeling and being good to others, doing good

things for others” is how she tries to live up to her pet’s wishes. A male participant

said that his dog wanted him to get out more and stop smoking. According

to another respondent: “Since she’s died what I hear often in my mind is ‘don’t

shame my memory’ as if she’s saying to me. She’s kinda inspiring me to be a

better person somehow.” Another woman said that her cats helped her calm

down and relax and “now I try to soothe myself with the vision of them wanting

me to calm down.” As reported by these bereaved individuals it appears that

the thoughts about living up to their pet’s wishes mobilized and motivated

them to take better care of themselves or others.

Thoughts of Being Reunited with Pet

Participants were asked their thoughts of being reunited with their pets. Per-

ceptions varied as to how the reuniting would occur. Twenty-one (64%) of

participants thought in some way and to some degree they would be reunited

with their pets. Some felt more certain, for example, “I guess I have this vision

about being reunited with her in a big green field on a sunny day, and she’s

just really smiley and happy running around.” While some participants weren’t

sure they would because of previous religious or theological teachings, these

people hoped they would. One 57-year-old woman said that she wasn’t sure but

“I wish it, it’s an abstract and emotional way to think of it, wishing it.” A

43-year-old woman described a dream she had about being reunited with her

beloved animal companions:

348 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

I was up in Heaven and this angel was showing me (around) . . . and takes

me through the cabin and out back, and opens the door, and there’s all these

corgis . . . and I was like “oh, there’s Sparky and there’s Rascal and

there’s Billy” and the angel was like “those are corgis you haven’t had yet”

which makes no sense in the context. . . . I had already had them for them to

be in the dream.

A young woman, age 29, endorsed her hope in the idea behind The Rainbow

Bridge in which a person is reunited physically with a beloved animal companion

at the time of the person’s death. While she is hopeful that she and her dog will

be reunited after her own death, she added, “You know, I’m already united with

her to an extent, I mean just not our bodies, I mean spiritually I am connected to

her, mentally and emotionally.” In fact, several participants talked about the

Rainbow Bridge poem when asked about being reunited with their beloved pets

and they drew considerable comfort from this thought.

A different perspective on being reunited was reflected in one 38-year-old

female participant’s response when she said, “I kind of feel like one day I

might find a kitty that has the same little kitty soul that is a part of my deceased

pet.” It is apparent that this group of individuals has varying thoughts and

perspectives of being reunited in some way with their deceased animal and find

comfort in those thoughts.

DISCUSSION

Fostering Continuing Bonds Expressions

The results of this investigation confirm that individuals experience dimen-

sions of the phenomenon of CB following the death of their beloved companion

animals. Our findings emphasize that the majority of bereaved pet owners main-

tain ongoing, meaningful ties with their deceased pet and with the parts of their

lives that they shared together. Our results expand and enrich our quantitative

findings (Carmack & Packman, 2011; Packman, Field, Carmack, & Ronen,

2011). Additionally, these findings corroborate the earlier literature related to this

topic (Carmack, 1985, 2003; Cowles, 1985).

Frequently, people are hesitant to share their experiences of CB for fear

that they will be perceived as “crazy” or “going off the deep end.” They may even

be hesitant to endorse CB expressions for fear others will think “poorly” of them.

Yet, when given the invitation to talk about their experiences in a supportive

validating setting, often they are willing, and grateful, for the opportunity to

describe and discuss their experiences. In the sharing of these experiences, some

are looking for validation that these experiences are not “weird” or “crazy.” On

the other hand, others are not necessarily seeking validation but instead a safe

place in which to tell their stories and describe their experiences.

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 349

Thus, one implication from our research is to encourage individuals to discuss

their particular experience(s) of CB. A simple question such as,”Do you still feel

her presence?” can give one permission to disclose aspects of their experience.

Another statement might be, “sometimes when people lose a loved animal com-

panion, they describe perceptions of hearing or seeing or feeling their animal—

I’m wondering if this has happened for you.” Validating this type of con-

tinuing bond occurrence in a non-judgmental way can allow those in grief to

feel safe to disclose their comparable experience; they are given permission to

tell their stories.

Another significant finding is the recognition of the frequency of practices

and behaviors that people engage in after a loved animal dies—practices and

behaviors which are dimensions in the category of CB. Behaviors that fall

within this category include talking to the deceased, holding onto items the

pet used, dreaming about the animal, going to locations and places that had

been shared by the person and animal, creating rituals and memorials to honor

the deceased, and feeling the pet’s guidance in one’s daily life. It is equally

important to recognize that those grieving the loss of their pet may avoid going

to places they associated with their deceased pet and avoid the use of CB

expressions because they cause too much distress. Recognizing the frequency of

these behaviors and validating their occurrence helps individuals not to feel

“abnormal” or “weird” or other similarly pejorative terms.

The Importance of Support Services

Individuals grieving the loss of a pet often feel disenfranchised and unsupported

because of their loss. As a result, they are reluctant to tell others about the intensity

of their grief as well as their experiences of CB. Either they have already felt some

form of rejection for disclosing, or they fear this will happen should they disclose.

Instead, they need to be encouraged not to discuss their grief and experiences

of CB with those who will criticize, ridicule, and be unsupportive—in other

words, those who disenfranchise the person and the loss. A person’s grief

for a loved animal companion is too tender and precious to have it trampled.

Unfortunately, “society generally does not acknowledge pet loss as a significant

loss, which alienates those who grieve. Clinicians must not fall into the same

category” (Podrazik et al., 2000, p. 377). Our findings indicated that the greatest

source of support for our respondents was spouses/partners and pets. These

respondents received considerably less support from clinicians, clergy/spiritual

counselors, and veterinarians. In our view, helping bereaved clients discuss the

loss of their beloved companion animals and their experience of CB “should be

a routine task for every treatment professional” (Podrazik et al., 2000, p. 339).

Encouraging individuals to seek out supportive situations—for example, pet

loss support groups, on-line pet loss chat rooms, and pet loss telephone hot

lines—will facilitate their receiving the quality and type of support they deserve.

350 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

Encouraging the bereaved to attend pet loss support groups can be helpful

because, in such groups, individuals learn that they are not alone in experiencing

grief. Through sharing in the group, individuals learn to manage their grief and

learn to share their own thoughts, feelings, and strategies.

Because of the prevalence of clinical situations in which pet owners are

required to make euthanasia decisions (79% in our sample), clients need support

in deciding whether euthanasia is an appropriate course to be pursued. Often

veterinarians are in the position of providing this type of consultation. But there

are other times in which clinicians and ministers/rabbis/priests are the persons

whom pet owners seek for support. To be able to assist pet owners in making

decisions related to continued treatment in contrast to deciding about euthanasia

is both necessary and challenging. Pet owners need guidance before, during,

and after this decision. Fortunately, the literature provides suggestions to assist

veterinarians, clinicians, and pet owners during this time of decision-making

(Carmack, 2003; Cornell, Brandt & Bonvicini, 2007; Lagoni, Butler, & Hetts,

1994; Nakaya, 2005).

The Important Role of Rituals

and Memorials

Rituals have the ability to focus and calm us as they convert something painful

into something less so. They can also be transformative by helping us move on

while still holding onto memory (Carmack, 2003). Our findings corroborate the

value of rituals and memorials as recognized in the literature (Carmack, 2003;

Harris, 1996; Sife, 1998). Individuals need to be encouraged to create a way

to honor and say “thank you” to and for their deceased animal. Participants in

our study, for example, mentioned planting a tree, creating a home shrine, making

a keychain out of the cat’s hair, and scattering ashes on a beach. Participation

in pet loss support groups and on-line pet loss chat rooms will give grievers

ideas for memorializing their animal as will talking with a pet loss counselor and

reading books on pet loss.

Consider the Bereaved’s Total

Experiences

What became apparent from these qualitative data is the importance of under-

standing a grieving pet owner’s total experience. Thus, to make an assumption

based only on high or low scores on objective grief or symptom measures is to

run the risk of missing what is actually happening. For example, one could

have a high score on a measure of grief but actually be functioning quite well

because of the CB expressions being utilized. Because of the uniqueness of

each person’s experience, it is not the number of CB expressions but the degree

of adaptability that is most significant. By using one or more particular CB

expressions that provide comfort, a person may be able to regulate his or her

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 351

emotions so that the intensity of grief, while deep, is not overwhelming. The

researchers discerned that several participants actually regulated their emotions

in an adaptive manner by incorporating CB expressions into their lives. In a

clinical setting, a clinician might encourage a client to look at a photo of the

deceased pet and tell that pet how much he or she is loved and missed. Clinicians

could suggest that clients take the lessons learned from their pets and use them

to guide their lives.

It is also important to note that how individuals cope with the death of a pet

may also depend on individual, situational, environmental, and spiritual factors.

Individual characteristics (age, gender, health status, and previous experiences

with loss and death) may impact a person’s bereavement responses. Situational

characteristics—circumstances surrounding the death, such as cause of death,

place of death, duration of the illness—may also influence responses to the death

of a pet. In an article concerning sibling bereavement, environmental variables

such as family functioning, the family environment, and CB expressions of other

family members were found to be important (Packman, Horsley, Davis, &

Kramer, 2006). In our view, similar environmental factors would also play a

major role in the pet bereavement experience. Several participants noted that

there were differences of opinion within their family concerning CB expressions.

For example, in the area of holding onto their pet’s belongings/possessions,

some participants noted that it was their spouses/partners who “made them”

remove their deceased pet’s belongings.

Spiritual and religious influences may also affect bereavement responses. Par-

ticipants were asked their thoughts of being reunited with their pets and 64% of

them thought they would be reunited with their pets in some way and to some

degree. While some individuals were not certain they would because of previous

religious teachings, these people hoped they would. One of the authors (Carmack)

remembers one of her clients who was having a particularly difficult and pro-

longed grief. This woman stated that if only she could believe she would be

reunited with her pet, she could resolve her grief more easily. But because she

had been taught by her church that pets do not go to Heaven, for her the finality of

never seeing her animal again was exacerbating her grief experience and resulting

in excruciating grief. One’s theological or spiritual perspective appears to be a

contextual factor that influences one’s grief response. This continuing bond has

implications for clinicians and those in pastoral care.

Continuing Bonds Expressions are Unique

to Each Person

It is important that those in grief not be burdened with expectations that

they “should develop continuing bonds.” Such bonds may develop and change

over time and are unique to each person. The greater the bereaved pet owner’s

352 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

experience of unfinished business (guilt, regrets, self-blame) the greater is their

difficulty in adapting to the loss. This may be especially salient in instances

where the bereaved have said or done things that they wish they had not said

or done; or the opposite—wishing they had said or done certain things. We saw, in

our participants, many instances of unfinished business—over half described

regrets they had about not spending enough time with their pet or felt that if

they had “taken them to the vet earlier” or provided better “medical care” their

pet may have lived longer. This may affect the developing of CB that are

not necessarily helpful or comforting. It is useful to emphasize that finding

ways of staying connected with their deceased pet may occur naturally as a

part of the human experience of grief. Each person’s experience is unique. For

some, CB may develop over time while for others they may develop immediately

after the death.

Future Directions

Within the areas covered in this article, new questions are raised for future

investigations that elucidate the uniqueness of pet loss. A limitation of the current

study that bears on the generalizability of results is the sample composition.

The sample consisted largely of educated, middle-class Caucasians from the

San Francisco Bay Area. Future research should include a more diverse sample.

There has been some attention to the impact of culture on the grief process,

including cultural expressions of CB (Klass et al., 1996). Thus, it would be

important to ascertain how pet loss affects people of different cultural back-

grounds. The authors are currently conducting such a study. Another limitation of

our study is that the participants in our sample were assessed only once. Future

research should use a longitudinal research design and repeated measures of CB

expressions (from immediately after the pet’s death until 1 year post-death). It

would then be possible to clarify the normative course of various CB expressions

in pet loss. In our view, the CB interview is a powerful and effective tool to

elucidate the different facets of CB and to distinguish whether the CB expressions

indicate successful or poor adaptation to the loss of a pet.

Future research should include an in depth exploration of contextual factors

related to pet loss. Specifically, the authors recommend examining the situational

factor of euthanasia and its impact on grief. Of interest would be the relationship

between the euthanasia decision-making process and the subsequent intensity

and duration of grief in addition to the impact on CB expressions.

SUMMARY

It is essential that those grieving the death of their animal be supported and

reassured that dimensions of the experience of CB are recognized as legitimate

PET LOSS AND CONTINUING BONDS / 353

in the experience of grief. Just as research and literature report this experi-

ence for grieving spouses and grieving parents of deceased children, so too, is

research and literature related to pet loss documenting the same phenomenon.

In the past 25 years there has been increased recognition of the grief that

is experienced when one loses a loved animal companion. Literature, both pro-

fessional and lay, in addition to research, is growing in this area. Services such as

pet loss counseling, on-line support services, pet loss telephone hot lines, and

numerous books now exist to help those in grief. But in addition to the general

acceptance of the legitimacy of grief related to pet loss, those who work with

grieving pet owners must also be open to the phenomenon of CB expressions

with deceased animal companions. The research on which this article is based

clearly demonstrates the presence of dimensions of CB expressions in these

grieving individuals.

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Direct reprint requests to:

Wendy Packman, JD, Ph.D.

Pacific Graduate School of Psychology at Palo Alto University

1791 Arastradero Road

Palo Alto, CA 94304

e-mail: [email protected]

356 / PACKMAN, CARMACK AND RONEN

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