HRMN 495-Mini Case Study 5
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ConflictandInterpersonalCommunication.pdf
Conflict and Interpersonal Communication
Who do you have the most conflict with right now? Your answer to this
question probably depends on the various contexts in your life. If you still
live at home, you may have daily conflicts with your family as you try to
balance your autonomy, or desire for independence, with the
practicalities of living under your family’s roof. If you’ve recently moved
away to go to college, you may be negotiating roommate conflicts as you
adjust to living with someone you may not know at all. You probably also
have experiences managing conflict in romantic relationships and in the
workplace. So think back and ask yourself, “How well do I handle
conflict?” As with all areas of communication, we can improve if we have
the background knowledge to identify relevant communication
phenomena and the motivation to reflect on and enhance our
communication skills.
Interpersonal conflict occurs in interactions where there are real or
perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources, or opposing viewpoints.
Interpersonal conflict may be expressed verbally or nonverbally along a
continuum ranging from a nearly imperceptible cold shoulder to a full‐
blown argument. Interpersonal conflict is, however, distinct from
interpersonal violence, which goes beyond communication to include
abuse. Domestic violence is a serious issue and is discussed in the section
“The Dark Side of Relationships.”
Learning Resource
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UMGC (n.d.). Conflict and Interpersonal Communication. Retrieved from https://leocontent.umgc.edu/content/umuc/tus/hrmn/ hrmn495/2225/learning-resource-list/conflict-and-interpersonalcommunication.html#
Conflict is an inevitable part of close relationships and can take a negative
emotional toll. It takes effort to ignore someone or be passive aggressive,
and the anger or guilt we may feel after blowing up at someone are valid
negative feelings. However, conflict isn’t always negative or unproductive.
In fact, research has shown that the quantity of conflict in a relationship is
not as important as how the conflict is handled (Markman et al., 1993).
Additionally, when conflict is well managed, it has the potential to lead to
more rewarding and satisfactory relationships (Canary & Messman, 2000).
Improving your competence in dealing with conflict can yield positive
effects in the real world. Since conflict is present in our personal and
professional lives, the ability to manage conflict and negotiate desirable
outcomes can help us be more successful at both. Whether you and your
partner are trying to decide what brand of flat‐screen television to buy or
discussing the upcoming political election with your mother, the potential
for conflict is present. In professional settings, the ability to engage in
conflict management, sometimes called conflict resolution, is a necessary
and valued skill. However, many professionals do not receive training in
conflict management even though they are expected to practice it as part
of their job (Gates, 2006).
A lack of training and a lack of competence can be a recipe for disaster,
which is illustrated in an episode of The Office titled “Conflict Resolution.”
In the episode, Toby, the human‐resources officer, encourages employees
to submit anonymous complaints about their coworkers. Although Toby
doesn’t attempt to resolve the conflicts, the employees feel like they are
being heard. When Michael, the manager, finds out there is unresolved
conflict, he makes the anonymous complaints public in an attempt to
encourage resolution, which backfires, creating even more conflict. As
usual, Michael doesn’t demonstrate communication competence.
In real life, the negative effects of poorly handled conflict can range from
an awkward last few weeks of the semester with a college roommate to
violence or divorce. However, there is no absolute right or wrong way to
handle a conflict. Remember that being a competent communicator
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doesn’t mean that you follow a set of rules. Rather, a competent
communicator assesses multiple contexts and applies or adapts
communication tools and skills to fit the dynamic situation.
Conflict Management Styles
Would you describe yourself as someone who prefers to avoid conflict?
Do you like to get your way? Are you good at working with someone to
reach a solution that is mutually beneficial? Odds are that you have been
in situations where you could answer yes to each of these questions,
which underscores the important role context plays in conflict, and
conflict management styles in particular.
The way we view and deal with conflict is learned and contextual. Do you
handle conflicts similarly to how your parents do? Like many people, it
wasn’t until my late twenties and early thirties that I began to see how
similar I am to my parents, even though I spent years trying to distinguish
myself from them. Research shows that traits related to conflict
management are transmitted from generation to generation. As children,
we test out the conflict resolution styles we see in our families with our
parents and siblings. Later, as we enter adolescence and begin developing
platonic and romantic relationships outside the family, we begin testing
what we’ve learned from our parents in other settings. If a child has
observed and used negative conflict management styles with siblings or
parents, he or she is likely to exhibit those behaviors with non‐family
members (Reese‐Weber & Bartle‐Haring, 1998).
There has been much research done on conflict management styles,
which are communication strategies that attempt to avoid, address, or
resolve a conflict. Keep in mind that we don’t always consciously choose
a style. We may instead be caught up in emotion and become reactionary.
The strategies for more effectively managing conflict that will be
discussed later may allow you to slow down the reaction process, become
more aware of it, and intervene in the process to improve your
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communication.
A powerful tool to mitigate conflict is information exchange. Asking for
more information before you react to a conflict‐triggering event is a good
way to add a buffer between the trigger and your reaction. Another key
element is whether or not a communicator is oriented toward self‐
centered or other‐centered goals. For example, if your goal is to “win” or
make the other person “lose,” you show a high concern for self and a low
concern for other. If your goal is to facilitate a “win‐win” resolution or
outcome, you show a high concern for self and other. In general,
strategies that facilitate information exchange and include concern for
mutual goals will be more successful at managing conflict (Sillars, 1980).
Five strategies for managing are competing, avoiding, accommodating,
compromising, and collaborating. Each of these conflict styles accounts
for the concern we place on self versus other.
Five Styles of Interpersonal Conflict Management
Source: Adapted from M. Afzalur Rahim, “A Measure of Styles of Handling Interpersonal
Conflict,” Academy of Management Journal 26, no. 2 (1983): 368–76.
To better understand the elements of the five styles of conflict
management, we will apply each to the following scenario: Rosa and
D’Shaun have been partners for 17 years. Rosa is growing frustrated
because D’Shaun continues to give money to their teenage daughter,
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Casey, even though they decided to keep the teen on a fixed allowance to
try to teach her more responsibility. While conflicts regarding money and
child rearing are very common, we will see that there are many ways for
Rosa and D’Shaun to address this problem.
Competing
The competing style indicates a high concern for self and a low concern
for other. When we compete, we are striving to “win” the conflict,
potentially at the expense or “loss” of the other person. One way we may
gauge our win is by being granted or taking concessions from the other
person. For example, if D’Shaun gives Casey extra money behind Rosa’s
back, he is taking an indirect competitive route resulting in a “win” for him
because he got his way. The competing style also involves the use of
power, which can be noncoercive or coercive (Sillars, 1980). Noncoercive
strategies include requesting and persuading. When requesting, we
suggest the conflict partner change a behavior. Requesting doesn’t
require a high level of information exchange. When we persuade,
however, we give our conflict partner reasons to support our request or
suggestion, meaning there is more information exchange, which may
make persuading more effective than requesting. Rosa could try to
persuade D’Shaun to stop giving Casey extra allowance money by
bringing up their fixed budget or reminding him that they are saving for a
summer vacation. Coercive strategies violate standard guidelines for
ethical communication and may include aggressive communication
directed at rousing your partner’s emotions through insults, profanity, and
yelling, or through threats of punishment if you do not get your way. If
Rosa is the primary income earner in the family, she could use that power
to threaten to take D'Shaun ATM card away if he continues giving Casey
money. In all these scenarios, the “win” that could result is only short
term and can lead to conflict escalation. Interpersonal conflict is rarely
isolated, meaning there can be ripple effects that connect the current
conflict to previous and future conflicts. D'Shaun behind‐the‐scenes
money giving or Rosa’s confiscation of the ATM card could lead to built‐
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up negative emotions that could further test their relationship.
Competing has been linked to aggression, although the two are not
always paired. If assertiveness does not work, there is a chance it could
escalate to hostility. There is a pattern of verbal escalation: requests,
demands, complaints, angry statements, threats, harassment, and verbal
abuse (Johnson & Roloff, 2000). Aggressive communication can become
patterned, which can create a volatile and hostile environment. The
reality television show The Bad Girls Club is a prime example of a
chronically hostile and aggressive environment. If you do a Google video
search for clips from the show, you will see yelling, screaming, verbal
threats, and some examples of physical violence. The producers of the
show choose houseguests with histories of aggression, and when the
“bad girls” are placed in a house together, they fall into typical patterns,
which creates dramatic television moments. Obviously, living in this type
of volatile environment would create stressors in any relationship, so it’s
important to monitor the use of competing as a conflict resolution
strategy to ensure that it does not lapse into aggression.
The competing style of conflict management is not the same thing as
having a competitive personality. Competition in relationships isn’t always
negative, and people who enjoy engaging in competition may not always
do so at the expense of another person’s goals. In fact, research has
shown that some couples engage in competitive shared activities like
sports or games to maintain and enrich their relationship (Dindia &
Baxter, 1987). And although we may think that competitiveness is
gendered, research has often shown that women are just as competitive
as men (Messman & Mikesell, 2000).
Avoiding
The avoiding style of conflict management often indicates a low concern
for self and a low concern for other, and no direct communication about
the conflict takes place. However, as we will discuss later, in some
cultures that emphasize group harmony over individual interests, and
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even in some situations in the United States, avoiding a conflict can
indicate a high level of concern for the other. In general, avoiding doesn’t
mean that there is no communication about the conflict. In fact it’s
impossible to not communicate. Even when we try to avoid conflict, we
may intentionally or unintentionally give our feelings away through our
verbal and nonverbal communication. Rosa’s sarcastic tone as she tells
D’Shaun that he’s “Soooo good with money!” and his subsequent eye roll
both bring the conflict to the surface without specifically addressing it.
The avoiding style is either passive or indirect, meaning there is little
information exchange, which may make this strategy less effective than
others.
We may decide to avoid conflict for many different reasons, some of
which are better than others. If you view the conflict as having little
importance to you, it may be better to ignore it. If the person you’re
having conflict with will only be working in your office for a week, you
may perceive a conflict to be temporary and choose to avoid it and hope
that it will solve itself. If you are not emotionally invested in the conflict,
you may be able to reframe your perspective and see the situation in a
different way, therefore resolving the issue. In all these cases, avoiding
doesn’t really require an investment of time, emotion, or communication
skill, so there is not much at stake to lose.
Avoidance is not always an easy conflict management choice, because
sometimes the person we have conflict with isn’t a temp in our office or a
weekend houseguest. While it may be easy to tolerate a problem when
you’re not personally invested in it or view it as temporary, when faced
with a situation like Rosa and D'Shaun, avoidance would just make the
problem worse. For example, avoidance could first manifest as changing
the subject, then progress from avoiding the issue to avoiding the person
altogether, to even ending the relationship.
Indirect strategies of hinting and joking also fall under the avoiding style.
While these indirect avoidance strategies may lead to a buildup of
frustration or even anger, they allow us to vent a little of our built‐up
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steam and may make a conflict situation more bearable. When we hint,
we drop clues that we hope our partner will find and piece together to
see the problem and hopefully change, thereby solving the problem
without any direct communication. However, in almost all the cases of
hinting that I have experienced or heard about, the person dropping the
hints overestimates their partner’s detective abilities. For example, when
Rosa leaves the bank statement on the kitchen table in hopes that
D’Shaun will realize how much extra money he is giving Casey, D’Shaun
may simply ignore it or even get irritated with Rosa for not putting the
statement with all the other mail.
We also overestimate our partner’s ability to decode the jokes we make
about a conflict situation. It is more likely that the receiver of the jokes
will think you’re genuinely trying to be funny or feel provoked or insulted
than realize the conflict situation that you are referencing. So more
frustration may develop when the hints and jokes are not decoded, which
often leads to a more extreme form of hinting/joking: passive‐aggressive
behavior.
Passive‐aggressive behavior is a way of dealing with conflict in which one
person indirectly communicates their negative thoughts or feelings
through nonverbal behaviors, such as not completing a task. For example,
Rosa may wait a few days to deposit money into the bank so D’Shaun
can’t withdraw it to give to Casey, or D’Shaun may cancel plans for a
romantic dinner because he feels like Rosa is questioning his
responsibility with money. Although passive‐aggressive behavior can feel
rewarding in the moment, it is one of the most unproductive ways to deal
with conflict. These behaviors may create additional conflicts and may
lead to a cycle of passive‐aggressiveness in which the other partner
begins to exhibit these behaviors as well, while never actually addressing
the conflict that originated the behavior. In most avoidance situations,
both parties lose. However, as noted above, avoidance can be the most
appropriate strategy in some situations—for example, when the conflict is
temporary, when the stakes are low or there is little personal investment,
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or when there is the potential for violence or retaliation.
Accommodating
The accommodating conflict management style indicates a low concern
for self and a high concern for other, and is often viewed as passive or
submissive—one person complies with or obliges another without
providing personal input. Whether or not this is an appropriate strategy
depends on the motivation for using it. Generally we accommodate
because we are being generous, we are obeying, or we are yielding
(Bobot, 2010). If we are being generous, we accommodate because we
genuinely want to; if we are obeying, we don’t have a choice but to
accommodate (perhaps because of the potential for negative
consequences or punishment); and if we yield, we may have our own
views or goals but give up on them because of fatigue, time constraints,
or because a better solution has been offered.
Accommodating can be appropriate when there is little chance that our
own goals can be achieved, when we don’t have much to lose by
accommodating, when we feel we are wrong, or when advocating for our
own needs could negatively affect the relationship (Isenhart & Spangle,
2000). The occasional accommodation can be useful in maintaining a
relationship—remember earlier we discussed putting another’s needs
before your own as a way to achieve relational goals. For example, Rosa
may say, “It’s OK that you gave Casey some extra money; she did have to
spend more on gas this week since the prices went up.” However, being a
team player can slip into being a pushover, which people generally do not
appreciate. If Rosa keeps telling D’Shaun, “It’s OK this time,” they may
find themselves short on spending money at the end of the month. At
that point, Rosa and D'Shaun conflict may escalate as they question each
other’s motives, or the conflict may spread if they direct their frustration
at Casey and blame it on her irresponsibility.
Research has shown that the accommodating style is more likely to occur
when there are time restraints and less likely to occur when someone
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does not want to appear weak (Cai & Fink, 2002). If you’re standing
outside the movie theatre and two movies are starting, you may say,
“Let’s just have it your way,” so you don’t miss the beginning. If you’re a
new manager at an electronics store and an employee wants to take
Sunday off to watch a football game, you may say no to set an example
for the other employees. As with avoiding, there are certain cultural
influences we will discuss later that make accommodating a more
effective strategy.
Compromising
The compromising style shows a moderate concern for self and other and
may indicate that there is a low investment in the conflict and/or the
relationship. Even though we often hear that the best way to handle a
conflict is to compromise, the compromising style isn’t a win‐win solution;
it is a partial win‐lose. In essence, when we compromise, we give up some
or most of what we want. It’s true that the conflict gets resolved
temporarily, but lingering thoughts of what you gave up could lead to a
future conflict. Compromising may be a good strategy when there are
time limitations or when prolonging a conflict may lead to relationship
deterioration. Compromise may also be good when both parties have
equal power or when other resolution strategies have not worked
(Macintosh & Stevens, 2008).
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Compromising may help conflicting parties come to a resolution, but neither may be
completely satisfied if they each have to give something up.
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A negative of compromising is that it may be used as an easy way out of a
conflict. The compromising style is most effective when both parties find
the solution agreeable. Rosa and D’Shaun could decide that Casey’s
allowance needs to be increased and they could each give 10 more dollars
a week by committing to taking their lunch to work twice a week instead
of eating out. They are both giving up something, and if neither of them
has a problem with taking their lunch to work, then the compromise is
equitable. If the couple agrees that the 20 extra dollars a week should
come out of D'Shaun golf budget, the compromise isn’t as equitable, and
D’Shaun, although he agreed to the compromise, may end up with
feelings of resentment. Wouldn’t it be better to both win?
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Collaborating
The collaborating style involves a high degree of concern for self and
other, and usually indicates investment in the conflict situation and the
relationship. Although the collaborating style takes the most work in
terms of communication competence, it ultimately leads to a win‐win
situation in which neither party has to make concessions because a
mutually beneficial solution is discovered or created. The obvious
advantage is that both parties are satisfied, which could lead to positive
problem solving in the future and strengthen the overall relationship. For
example, Rosa and D’Shaun may agree that Casey’s allowance needs to be
increased and may decide to give her 20 more dollars a week in exchange
for her babysitting her little brother one night a week. In this case, they
didn’t make the conflict personal but focused on the situation and came
up with a solution that may end up saving them money. The disadvantage
is that this style is often time consuming, and only one person may be
willing to use this approach while the other person is eager to compete to
meet their goals or willing to accommodate.
Here are some tips for collaborating and achieving a win‐win outcome
(Hargie, 2011):
• Do not view the conflict as a contest you are trying to win.
• Remain flexible and realize there are solutions yet to be discovered.
• Distinguish the people from the problem (don’t make it personal).
• Determine what the underlying needs are that are driving the other
person’s demands (needs can still be met through different demands).
• Identify areas of common ground or shared interests that you can
work from to develop solutions.
• Ask questions to allow others to clarify and to help you understand
their perspective.
• Listen carefully and provide verbal and nonverbal feedback.
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Getting Competent
Handling Roommate Conflicts
Whether you have a roommate by choice, by necessity, or through
the random selection process of your school’s housing office, it’s
important to be able to get along with the person who shares your
living space. While having a roommate offers many benefits such as
making a new friend, having someone to experience a new situation
like college life with, and having someone to split the cost of rent,
there are also challenges. Some common roommate conflicts involve
neatness, noise, having guests, sharing possessions, value conflicts,
money conflicts, and personality conflicts (Ball State University,
2001). Read the following five scenarios and answer these questions
for each one:
1. Which conflict management style, from the five discussed,
would you use in this situation?
2. What are the potential strengths of using this style?
3. What are the potential weaknesses of using this style?
Scenario 1: Neatness. Your college dorm has bunk beds, and your
roommate takes a lot of time making his bed (the bottom bunk) each
morning. He has told you that he doesn’t want anyone sitting on or
sleeping in his bed when he is not in the room. While he is away for
the weekend, your friend comes to visit and sits on the bottom bunk
bed. You tell him what your roommate said, and you try to fix the
bed back before he returns to the dorm. When he returns, he notices
that his bed has been disturbed and he confronts you about it.
Scenario 2: Noise and having guests. Your roommate has a job
waiting tables and gets home around midnight on Thursday nights.
She often brings a couple friends from work home with her. They
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watch television, listen to music, or play video games and talk and
laugh. You have an 8 a.m. class on Friday mornings and are usually
asleep when she returns. Last Friday, you talked to her and asked her
to keep it down in the future. Tonight, their noise has woken you up
and you can’t get back to sleep.
Scenario 3: Sharing possessions. When you go out to eat, you often
bring back leftovers to have for lunch the next day during your short
break between classes. You didn’t have time to eat breakfast, and
you’re really excited about having your leftover pizza for lunch until
you get home and see your roommate sitting on the couch eating the
last slice.
Scenario 4: Money conflicts. Your roommate got mono and missed
two weeks of work last month. Since he has a steady job and you
have some savings, you cover his portion of the rent and agree that
he will pay your portion next month. The next month comes around
and he informs you that he only has enough to pay his half.
Scenario 5: Value and personality conflicts. You like to go out to
clubs and parties and have friends over, but your roommate is much
more of an introvert. You’ve tried to get her to come out with you or
join the party at your place, but she’d rather study. One day she tells
you that she wants to break the lease so she can move out early to
live with one of her friends. You both signed the lease, so you have
to agree or she can’t do it. If you break the lease, you automatically
lose your portion of the security deposit.
Culture and Conflict
Culture is an important context to consider when studying conflict, and
recent research has called into question some of the assumptions of the
five conflict management styles discussed so far, which were formulated
with a Western bias (Oetzel, Garcia, & Ting‐Toomey, 2008). For example,
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while the avoiding style of conflict has been cast as negative, with a low
concern for self and other or as a lose‐lose outcome, this research found
that participants in the United States, Germany, China, and Japan all
viewed avoiding strategies as demonstrating a concern for the other.
While there are some generalizations we can make about culture and
conflict, it is better to look at more specific patterns of how interpersonal
communication and conflict management are related. We can better
understand some of the cultural differences in conflict management by
further examining the concept of face.
What does it mean to “save face”? This saying generally refers to
preventing embarrassment or preserving our reputation or image, which
is similar to the concept of face in interpersonal and intercultural
communication. Our face is the projected self we desire to put into the
world, and facework refers to the communicative strategies we employ to
project, maintain, or repair our face; or maintain, repair, or challenge
another’s face. Face negotiation theory argues that people in all cultures
negotiate face through communication encounters, and that cultural
factors influence how we engage in facework, especially in conflict
situations (Oetzel & Ting‐Toomey, 2003). These cultural factors influence
whether we are more concerned with self‐face or other‐face and what
types of conflict management strategies we may use. One key cultural
influence on face negotiation is the distinction between individualistic
and collectivistic cultures.
The distinction between individualistic and collectivistic cultures is an
important dimension that varies. Individualistic cultures like the United
States and most of Europe emphasize individual identity over group
identity, and encourage competition and self‐reliance. Collectivistic
cultures like Taiwan, Colombia, China, Japan, Vietnam, and Peru value in‐
group identity over individual identity and value conformity to social
norms of the in‐group (Dsilva & Whyte, 1998). However, within the larger
cultures, individuals will vary in the degree to which they view themselves
as part of a group or as a separate, which is called self‐construal.
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Independent self‐construal indicates a perception of the self as an
individual with unique feelings, thoughts, and motivations.
Interdependent self‐construal indicates a perception of the self as
interrelated with others (Oetzel & Ting‐Toomey, 2003). Not surprisingly,
people from individualistic cultures are more likely to have higher levels
of independent self‐construal, and people from collectivistic cultures are
more likely to have higher levels of interdependent self‐construal. Self‐
construal and individualistic or collectivistic cultural orientations affect
how people engage in facework and the conflict management styles they
employ.
Self‐construal alone does not have a direct effect on conflict style, but it
does affect face concerns, with independent self‐construal favoring self‐
face concerns and interdependent self‐construal favoring other‐face
concerns. There are specific facework strategies for different conflict
management styles, and these strategies correspond to self‐face concerns
or other‐face concerns.
• Accommodating. Giving in (self‐face concern).
• Avoiding. Pretending conflict does not exist (other‐face concern).
• Competing. Defending your position, persuading (self‐face concern).
• Collaborating. Apologizing, having a private discussion, remaining
calm (other‐face concern) (Oetzel, Garcia, & Ting‐Toomey, 2008).
Research done on college students in Germany, Japan, China, and the
United States found that those with independent self‐construal were
more likely to engage in competing, and those with interdependent self‐
construal were more likely to engage in avoiding or collaborating (Oetzel
& Ting‐Toomey, 2003). And in general, this research found that members
of collectivistic cultures were more likely to use the avoiding style of
conflict management and less likely to use the integrating or competing
styles of conflict management than were members of individualistic
cultures. The following examples bring together facework strategies,
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cultural orientations, and conflict management style: Someone from an
individualistic culture may be more likely to engage in competing as a
conflict management strategy if they are directly confronted, which may
be an attempt to defend their reputation (self‐face concern). Someone in
a collectivistic culture may be more likely to engage in avoiding or
accommodating in order not to embarrass or anger the person
confronting them (other‐face concern) or out of concern that their
reaction could reflect negatively on their family or cultural group (other‐
face concern). While these distinctions are useful for categorizing large‐
scale cultural patterns, it is important not to essentialize or arbitrarily
group countries together, because there are measurable differences
within cultures. For example, expressing one’s emotions was seen as
demonstrating a low concern for other‐face in Japan, but this was not so
in China, which shows there is variety between similarly collectivistic
cultures. Culture always adds layers of complexity to any communication
phenomenon, but experiencing and learning from other cultures also
enriches our lives and makes us more competent communicators.
Handling Conflict Better
Conflict is inevitable and it is not inherently negative. A key part of
developing interpersonal communication competence involves being able
to effectively manage the conflict you will encounter in all your
relationships. One key part of handling conflict better is to notice
patterns of conflict in specific relationships and to generally have an idea
of what causes you to react negatively and what your reactions usually
are.
Identifying Conflict Patterns
Much of the research on conflict patterns has been done on couples in
romantic relationships, but the concepts and findings are applicable to
other relationships. Four common triggers for conflict are criticism,
demand, cumulative annoyance, and rejection (Christensen & Jacobson,
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2000). We all know from experience that criticism, or comments that
evaluate another person’s personality, behavior, appearance, or life
choices, may lead to conflict.
Comments do not have to be meant as criticism to be perceived as such.
If Gary comes home from college for the weekend and his mom says,
“Looks like you put on a few pounds,” she may view this as a statement of
fact based on observation. Gary, however, may take the comment
personally and respond negatively back to his mom, starting a conflict
that will last for the rest of his visit. A simple but useful strategy to
manage the trigger of criticism is to follow the old adage “Think before
you speak.” In many cases, there are alternative ways to phrase things
that may be taken less personally, or we may determine that our
comment doesn’t need to be spoken at all. I’ve learned that a majority of
the thoughts that we have about another person’s physical appearance,
whether positive or negative, do not need to be verbalized. Ask yourself,
“What is my motivation for making this comment?” and “Do I have
anything to lose by not making this comment?” If your underlying reasons
for asking are valid, perhaps there is another way to phrase your
observation. If Gary’s mom is worried about his eating habits and health,
she could wait until they’re eating dinner and ask him how he likes the
food choices at school and what he usually eats.
Demands also frequently trigger conflict, especially if the demand is
viewed as unfair or irrelevant. It’s important to note that demands
rephrased as questions may still be perceived as demands. Tone of voice
and context are important factors here. When you were younger, you
may have asked a parent, teacher, or elder for something and they
responded to “ask nicely.” As with criticism, thinking before you speak and
before you respond can help manage demands and minimize conflict
episodes. As discussed earlier, demands are sometimes met with
withdrawal rather than a verbal response. If you are doing the demanding,
remember a higher level of information exchange may make your demand
clearer or more reasonable to the other person. If you are being
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demanded of, responding calmly and expressing your thoughts and
feelings are likely more effective than withdrawing, which may escalate
the conflict.
Cumulative annoyance is a building of frustration or anger that occurs
over time, eventually resulting in a conflict interaction. For example, your
friend shows up late to drive you to class three times in a row. You didn’t
say anything the previous times, but on the third time you say, “You’re
late again! If you can’t get here on time, I’ll find another way to get to
class.” Cumulative annoyance can build up like a pressure cooker, and as it
builds, the intensity of the conflict does also. Criticism and demands can
also play into cumulative annoyance. We have all probably let critical or
demanding comments slide, but if they continue, it becomes difficult to
hold back, and most of us have a breaking point. The problem here is that
all the other incidents come back to your mind as you confront the other
person, which usually intensifies the conflict. You’ve likely been surprised
when someone has blown up at you out of cumulative annoyance or
when someone you have blown up at didn’t know there was a problem
building. A good strategy for managing cumulative annoyance is to
monitor your level of annoyance and occasionally let some steam out of
the pressure cooker by processing through your frustration with a third
party or directly addressing what is bothering you with the source.
No one likes the feeling of rejection. Rejection can lead to conflict when
one person’s comments or behaviors are perceived as ignoring or
invalidating the other person. Vulnerability is a component of any close
relationship. When we care about someone, we verbally or nonverbally
communicate. We may tell our best friend that we miss them, or plan a
home‐cooked meal for our partner who is working late. The vulnerability
that underlies these actions comes from the possibility that our relational
partner will not notice or appreciate them. When someone feels exposed
or rejected, they often respond with anger to mask their hurt, which
ignites a conflict.
Managing feelings of rejection is difficult because it is so personal, but
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you can maintain perspective by controlling the impulse to assume that
your relational partner is rejecting you, and instead engage in
communication. If your partner doesn’t get excited about the meal you
planned and cooked, it could be because he or she is physically or
mentally tired after a long day. Concepts discussed in “Communication
and Perception”—perception checking, taking inventory of your
attributions, and engaging in information exchange—are useful for
managing triggers.
Interpersonal conflict may take the form of serial arguing, which is a
repeated pattern of disagreement over an issue. Serial arguments do not
necessarily indicate negative or troubled relationships, but any kind of
patterned conflict is worth paying attention to. There are three patterns
that occur with serial arguing: repeating, mutual hostility, and arguing
with assurances (Johnson & Roloff, 2000). The first pattern is repeating,
which means reminding the other person of your complaint (what you
want them to start/stop doing). The pattern may continue if the other
person repeats their response to your reminder. For example, if Marita
reminds Kate that she doesn’t appreciate her sarcastic tone, and Kate
responds, “I’m soooo sorry, I forgot how perfect you are,” then the
reminder has failed to effect the desired change. A predictable pattern of
complaint like this leads participants to view the conflict as irresolvable.
The second pattern within serial arguments is mutual hostility, which
occurs when the frustration of repeated conflict leads to negative
emotions and increases the likelihood of verbal aggression. Again, a
predictable pattern of hostility makes the conflict seem irresolvable and
may lead to relationship deterioration. Whereas the first two patterns
entail an increase in pressure on the participants in the conflict, the third
pattern offers some relief. If people in an interpersonal conflict offer
verbal assurances of their commitment to the relationship, then the
problems associated with the other two patterns of serial arguing may be
ameliorated. Even though the conflict may not be solved in the
interaction, the verbal assurances of commitment imply that there is a
willingness to work on solving the conflict in the future, which provides a
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sense of stability that can benefit the relationship. Although serial arguing
is not inherently bad within a relationship, if the pattern becomes more of
a vicious cycle, it can lead to alienation, polarization, and an overall toxic
climate, and the problem may seem so irresolvable that people feel
trapped and terminate the relationship (Christensen & Jacobson, 2000).
There are some negative, but common, conflict reactions we can monitor
and try to avoid, which may also help prevent serial arguing.
Two common conflict pitfalls are one‐upping and mindreading (Gottman,
1994). These are quick reactions to communication from another person
that escalates the conflict. If Sam comes home late from work and Nicki
says, “I wish you would call when you’re going to be late” and Sam
responds, “I wish you would get off my back,” the reaction has escalated
the conflict.
Mindreading is communication in which one person attributes something
to the other using generalizations. If Sam says, “You don’t care whether I
come home at all or not!” she is presuming to know Nicki’s thoughts and
feelings. Nicki is likely to respond defensively, perhaps saying, “You don’t
know how I’m feeling!” One‐upping and mindreading are often reactions
that are more reflexive than deliberate. Remember concepts like
attribution and punctuation in these moments. Nicki may have received
bad news and was eager to get support from Sam when she arrived home.
Although Sam perceives Nicki’s comment as criticism and justifies her
comments as a reaction to Nicki’s behavior, Nicki’s comment could
actually be a sign of their closeness, in that Nicki appreciates Sam’s
emotional support. Sam could have said, “I know, I’m sorry, I was on my
cell phone for the past hour with a client who had a lot of problems to
work out.” Taking a moment to respond mindfully rather than react with a
knee‐jerk reflex can lead to information exchange, which could de‐
escalate the conflict.
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Leave Mind Reading to the Pros
Mind reading leads to patterned conflict, because we wrongly presume to know what
another person is thinking.
Mysterion the Mind Reader (https://www.flickr.com/photos/slipperroomnyc/10006281775/) by
Slipperroom is licensed under CC BY‐NC 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by‐nc/2.0/)
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Validating the person with whom you are in conflict can be an effective
way to de‐escalate conflict. While avoiding or retreating may seem like
the best option in the moment, one of the key negative traits found in
research on married couples’ conflicts was withdrawal, which as we
learned before may result in a demand‐withdrawal pattern of conflict.
Often validation can be as simple as demonstrating good listening skills
by making eye contact and giving verbal and nonverbal back‐channel cues
like saying “mmm‐hmm” or nodding your head (Gottman, 1994). This
doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own side in a conflict or that
you agree with what the other person is saying; rather, you are hearing
the other person out, which validates them and may also give you some
more information about the conflict that could minimize the likelihood of
a reaction rather than a response.
As with all aspects of communication competence discussed so far, you
cannot expect that everyone you interact with will have the same
knowledge of communication as you. But it often only takes one person
with conflict management skills to make an interaction more effective.
Remember that it’s not the quantity of conflict that determines a
relationship’s success; it’s how the conflict is managed—and one person’s
competent response can de‐escalate a conflict.
Negotiation Steps and Skills
We negotiate daily. We may negotiate with a professor to make up a
missed assignment or with our friends to plan activities for the weekend.
Negotiation in interpersonal conflict refers to the process of attempting
to change or influence conditions within a relationship. The negotiation
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skills discussed next can be adapted to all types of relational contexts,
from romantic partners to coworkers. The stages of negotiating are
prenegotiation, opening, exploration, bargaining, and settlement (Hargie,
2011).
In the prenegotiation stage, you want to prepare for the encounter. If
possible, let the other person know you would like to talk to them, and
preview the topic, so they will also have the opportunity to prepare.
While it may seem awkward to “set a date” to talk about a conflict, if the
other person feels like they were blindsided, their reaction could be
negative. Make your preview simple and nonthreatening by saying
something like “I’ve noticed that we’ve been arguing a lot about who does
what chores around the house. Can we sit down and talk tomorrow when
we both get home from class?” Obviously, it won’t always be feasible to
set a date if the conflict needs to be handled immediately because the
consequences are immediate, or if you or the other person has limited
availability. In that case, you can still prepare, but make sure you allot
time for the other person to digest what you have to say and respond.
During this stage you also want to figure out your goals for the
interaction by reviewing your instrumental, relational, and self‐
presentation goals. Is getting something done, preserving the relationship,
or presenting yourself in a certain way the most important?
For example, you may highly rank the instrumental goal of having a clean
house, or the relational goal of having pleasant interactions with your
roommate, or the self‐presentation goal of appearing nice and
cooperative. Whether your roommate is your best friend from high school
or a stranger the school matched you up with could determine the
importance of your relational and self‐presentation goals. At this point,
your goal analysis may lead you away from negotiation—remember, as we
discussed earlier, avoiding can be an appropriate and effective conflict
management strategy. If you decide to proceed with the negotiation, you
will want to determine your ideal outcome and your bottom line, or the
point at which you decide to break off negotiation. It’s very important
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that you realize there is a range between your ideal and your bottom line
and that remaining flexible is key to a successful negotiation—remember,
through collaboration a new solution could be found that you didn’t think
of.
In the opening stage of the negotiation, you want to set the tone for the
interaction because the other person will be likely to reciprocate.
Generally, it is good to be cooperative and pleasant, which can help open
the door for collaboration. You also want to establish common ground by
bringing up overlapping interests and using “we” language. It would not
be competent to open the negotiation with “You’re such a slob! Didn’t
your mom ever teach you how to take care of yourself?” Instead, you may
open the negotiation by making small talk about classes that day and then
move into the issue at hand. You could set a good tone and establish
common ground by saying, “We both put a lot of work into setting up and
decorating our space, but now that classes have started, I’ve noticed that
we’re really busy and some chores are not getting done.” With some
planning and a simple opening like that, you can move into the next stage
of negotiation.
There should be a high level of information exchange in the exploration
stage. The overarching goal in this stage is to get a panoramic view of the
conflict by sharing your perspective and listening to the other person. In
this stage, you will likely learn how the other person is punctuating the
conflict. Although you may have been mulling over the mess for a few
days, your roommate may just now be aware of the conflict. She may also
inform you that she usually cleans on Sundays but didn’t get to last week
because she unexpectedly had to visit her parents. The information that
you gather here may clarify the situation enough to end the conflict and
cease negotiation. If negotiation continues, the information will be key as
you move into the bargaining stage.
The bargaining stage is where you make proposals and concessions. The
proposal you make should be informed by what you learned in the
exploration stage. Flexibility is important here, because you may have to
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revise your ideal outcome and bottom line based on new information. If
your plan was to have a big cleaning day every Thursday, you may now
want to propose to have the roommate clean on Sunday while you clean
on Wednesday. You want to make sure your opening proposal is
reasonable and not presented as an ultimatum. “I don’t ever want to see a
dish left in the sink” is different from “When dishes are left in the sink too
long, they stink and get gross. Can we agree to not leave any dishes in the
sink overnight?” Through the proposals you make, you could end up with
a win‐win situation. If there are areas of disagreement, however, you may
have to make concessions or compromise, which can be a partial win or a
partial loss. If you hate doing dishes but don’t mind emptying the trash
and recycling, you could propose to assign those chores based on
preference. If you both hate doing dishes, you could propose to be
responsible for washing your own dishes right after you use them. If you
really hate dishes and have some extra money, you could propose to use
disposable (and hopefully recyclable) dishes, cups, and utensils.
In the settlement stage, you want to decide on one of the proposals and
then summarize the chosen proposal and any related concessions. It is
possible that each party can have a different view of the agreed solution.
If your roommate thinks you are cleaning the bathroom every other day
and you plan to clean it on Wednesdays, then there could be future
conflict. You could summarize and ask for confirmation by saying, “So, it
looks like I’ll be in charge of the trash and recycling, and you’ll load and
unload the dishwasher. Then I’ll do a general cleaning on Wednesdays
and you’ll do the same on Sundays. Is that right?” Last, you’ll need to
follow up on the solution to make sure it’s working for both parties. If
your roommate goes home again next Sunday and doesn’t get around to
cleaning, you may need to go back to the exploration or bargaining stage.
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• Interpersonal conflict is an inevitable part of
relationships that, although not always negative, can
take an emotional toll on relational partners unless
they develop skills and strategies for managing
conflict.
• Although there is no absolute right or wrong way to
handle a conflict, there are five predominant styles of
conflict management: competing, avoiding,
accommodating, compromising, and collaborating.
• Perception plays an important role in conflict
management because we are often biased in
determining the cause of our own and others’
behaviors in a conflict situation, which necessitates
engaging in communication to gain information and
perspective.
• Culture influences how we engage in conflict based on
our cultural norms regarding individualism or
collectivism and concern for self‐face or other‐face.
• We can handle conflict better by identifying patterns
and triggers such as demands, cumulative annoyance,
and rejection and by learning to respond mindfully
rather than reflexively.
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Licenses and Attributions
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