Essay

Surveillance and privacy on the internet by Wisline Fontilus

Submission date: 05-Feb-2021 07:25PM (UTC-0500) Submission ID: 1502755777 File name: essay2_draft_2.docx (22.41K) Word count: 969 Character count: 5246

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FINAL GRADE

5/5 Surveillance and privacy on the internet GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi, Wisline. You've made changes in the essay and the Chen article seems like a useful addition. And it is still apparent that you are making the point that our privacy is becoming more and more compromised with the new technologies in use and the fact that old data never seems to die. However, as noted here and on the prior draft, work is still needed to introduce and integrate sources effectively. You give Tolentino's chapter title and her full name, but do not do this with the other sources. And, there is a brief attempt to tell the reader what her chapter covers, but this doesn't happen with the other authors. If we can somehow discuss this this week, it might help. Otherwise, please see the examples I give in the "Basic MLA" handout and other handouts in Course Information in BB and the Purdue OWL website for help with this going into the 3rd draft, which will be the final draft of this essay in your portfolio.

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Comment 1

large

Comment 2

See the comments on the prior draft. This could still change. They are 2 issues, or surveillance has raised the issue of privacy invasion.

Comment 3

Are you asking a question here? The sentence it is in didn't start this way. Use a period after "platforms" and then a question mark after "data" here.

Comment 4

You ask 2 questions, it seems. Perhaps change is needed to ask only one.

Comment 5

but rather

Comment 6

This still needs work to be introduced and integrated effectively. See the comments on draft 1 still. Tolentino is quoting Darcy DiNucci, so this should be represented accurately. You'll need more sentences to both introduce the text well and set up the quotations that you want to use here.

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Comment 7

But what exactly is in Herrman's piece that this is a reference to? His text still needs to be introduced and integrated effectively as well.

Comment 8

This is still the wrong word to use.

Comment 9

The quotation given does not illustrate what you say Tolentino does. In addition to handing her text better here, Herrman is also mentioned again at the end, but the reader has no sense of who this is-- what the title is of his article and what it is about. The reader needs this to be able to follow what you give in the paper easier.

Comment 10

This should be "MySpace." Also, is this discussion of what is in Herrman's piece?

Comment 11

Whose words are these? Chen's? They need to be in quotation marks. Also, as with Tolentino and Herrman, his text needs to be introduced to the reader: Title, author's name, and what his piece is about , briefly.

Comment 12

But this, then, would be a good thing, no? If the "user" is the one for whom this "operates on behalf of," then what is the issue now? Do you mean to say that it "supposedly" does this?

Comment 13

What do you mean here? Does Chen say that the military or medical personnel use this for security reasons?

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Comment 14

This is better, but attention to detail is needed with punctuation and other things here. For example:

Herrman, John. "What ... MySpace?" snd

His last name comes first on this page and be accurate with the spelling of it. Also, "MySpace" is one word with capitalized letters in it and there is a question mark in the title. In the text of your essay, this needs to change too.

There are other things to change with each of the texts you list, so see the examples given in multiple handouts in Course Information for what to look for and fix here.