rev. paper 1

What you did well:

I really enjoyed the chronological development of your paper as it was easy to follow and

understand. The connections that you made with the changes and how they affected commerce

were also perfect as it gave a sense of action and result for me as a reader. Your transition

between the commercial and social systems was done well as they seem connected and relatable

to one another and helped develop your paper. Your conclusion was magnificent as it was

straight to the point as it didn’t miss out any important details of your paper, while summarizing

all the critical ideas that you wanted to address. I enjoyed the connections that you have made to

the current banking as your work seems relevant in understanding the history behind the

evolution of banking.

Suggestions:

You could work on having less redundancies and repetition of similar phrases like “over

time” by adding similar phrases or by shortening some of the sentences. I have noticed some

spelling and grammar errors which you could proofread or use grammarly to do the checking for

you. Make sure that you use right pronouns when you talk about the country or its banking

(“Greek vs Greece”). Make sure that you follow the plural vs singular structure of your

sentences. I think the part where you talk about uneven distribution of wealth needs a little bit

more work of providing more examples at the time of what was really going on. You could

maybe talk about the Pasiōn bank to provide more examples of their influence on the state and

how his slave was able to succeed from being in banking. When you compare modern and

Athenian banking providing evidence from the sources could make your paper look stronger and

in regards to modern safety of records mentioning hacking could show weakness of the

contemporary system.