2 Case Studies - Please Read Instructions Before Bidding

8

Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Copyright � 2010 James Flaherty. Published by Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Enrollment

Probably more coaching programs flounder here than anywhere elsedmaybe because enrollment demands that we be human; no role or force will fulfill the stage. Manipulation or misrepresentation is quickly shown up. For many potential coaches, managers, teachers, and parents, the idea of stepping out of their accustomed roles and positioning themselves as human beings equal to their potential clients is uncomfortable and disconcerting. Thus, they easily slide out of coaching and into some other mode of interactingdmanaging or teaching, probably. Of course, justification accompanies the slide. Some potential coaches justify themselves by saying ‘‘the client was resistent’’ or ‘‘the timing wasn’t right.’’ If you find yourself as a coach in this situation, use your discomfort as an indicator that you are on the right path and not as a sign that you must change what you’re doing.

Until now, the coach has been doing most of the work solo. In the next stage, enrollment, the coach/client partnership becomes explicit and the work shared. In enrollment, both the client and the coach make explicit what they are committed to accomplishing in the coaching program. The commitment of one member is not sufficient.

The second job in enrollment is to frankly discuss potential hindrances to achieving the outcomes. At this point, the coach can refer to the assessments she made. For example, perhaps the client is already very busy and the addi- tional work of the coaching program would be difficult to fit in. Maybe the client has a boss, a friend, or a family member who would not be supportive of the coaching program. Maybe the outcomes are only contingently or tempo- rarily important, leading to the likelihood that the client will abandon them. There can be many other hindrances, and without confronting them directly, honestly, and as completely as possible, the most sincere-sounding commit- ment will turn out to be hollow, shallow, and groundless.

Dealing with the hindrances so forthrightly may call into question what the outcomes of the program should be, and it’s perfectly fine to go back and change the outcomes in light of what is discussed around hindrances. The discussions about hindrances and outcomes may also bring into question the commitment of the client to the coach and it is often necessary to reclarify this during the conversation.

107

108 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

These three topicsdoutcomes, mutual commitment, and hindrancesdform the scaffolding for the conversation; other subjects will naturally present themselves. The coach can answer questions about other people who have successfully achieved the kinds of outcomes being discussed. The coach can also build confidence in the program’s outcome by strengthening his credibility with the client. Credibility is built by citing past successes with similar coaching endeavors and in other ways connecting the outcomes to the coach’s experience.

Additionally, the coach can provide logistical information, for example, how long an activity might take, how much a piece of equipment might cost to buy, or where a particular book might be purchased. As you may be able to tell by now, the enrollment conversation swirls around all these conversations and subjects.

As a coach, you’ll know this process is complete when both you and the client know exactly what the outcomes are and what the commitment of each is to the program, and when both have a general idea about what it will take to achieve the outcomes.

Another way to look at this is that enrollment happens in the area where the commitments of the coach overlap with the commitments of the client (see Figure 8.1).

As a coach, you’ll only be interested in doing the necessary work if, by doing it, you’ll be able to further something important to you, and the client has essentially the same point of view in terms of engaging in activities that further her commitment. A key point in enrollment then is understanding yourself and your client.

In order to make yourself credible as a coach and to avoid any hint of skepticism or cynicism on the part of the client, it’s usually necessary to make explicit your commitment to doing the coaching. You’ll find that the client more readily trusts you when it’s apparent that the program is in each party’s mutual interest. As you no doubt have noticed, many times peopledespecially in businessdare suspicious of altruistic motives, and when we attempt to present coaching as such, we may engender suspicion. At the same time, it’s

FIGURE 8.1 Where Coaching Happens

109Enrollment

necessary to make the program attractive to the client. As I’ve said earlier, the real point of the program is to have the client be more able to take action on what she is already committed to, and not simply to fulfill the requirements of the coach. By taking both sides of the situation into account, you’ll find it possible to balance the situation so that both the client and the coach are able to fully commit to the program.

The enrollment conversation itself requires that the coach listen very intently both to what the client is saying and to what the client is keeping silent about. The mood of the conversation is one of openness, forthrightness, and realistic viewing of possibilities. Be careful not to sugarcoat the program so that it seems as if it consists solely of fulfilling obviously wonderful outcomes. If you do that, you will find that your client becomes immediately discouraged at the first hint of difficulty. At the same time, do not let yourself be argued into dimin- ishing what’s possible by the statements of the client, who may be discouraged from earlier attempts to improve.

You’ve done a good job of describing the outcomes of the program when they are attractive to both parties and it is not obvious that they would occur anyway, without coaching intervention. Additionally, the outcomes must be stated in sufficient clarity that both parties will be able to recognize them as occurring or not and also be able to discern what progress has been made toward them. Spend as much time as it takes to come to such mutual understanding.

As much as possible, avoid generally descriptive words such as successful completion or outstanding performance. Such terms are so open to individual interpretation that it’s frequently unclear whether they’ve been achieved or not, or whether progress is being made toward them. It’s not that all outcomes must be reduced to a number or statistic, but they must be observable, and not exist solely within the private assessment of the coach or client.

When I said above that it’s important to listen to what the client is not saying, I was referring to the sometimes subtle concerns clients may have. During the coaching conversation the client may be trying to appease the coach, or thinking of all the reasons she would give for failure, or recalling discouraging incidents from the past. Unless the coach is intently observing and listening to the client, these aspects of the conversation will not be revealed and dealt with and, as a consequence, the enrollment will be shallow.

The notion of commitment, which is essential in enrollment, is not universally understood in the same way. As the coach, then, I recommend that you work in the conversation to uncover what level of commitment the client is bringing. Commitment is not a matter of all or nothing; in other words, it’s not a matter of ‘‘doing whatever it takes.’’ We don’t have many commitments like that in our lives and it doesn’t mean that someone isn’t committed when she doesn’t act that way.

A commitment that seemed very important to us when we made it seems less important in the face of other commitments we make later, or in the face of unanticipated breakdowns or requests for help from people who are dear to us. The

110 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

commitment the person makes in coaching has to fit into the whole array of commitments she is already in the middle of fulfilling. Many of us do not understand this array of commitments. That is to say, if we wrote down what we are committed to, we would discover contradictions, out-of-date commitments, or more obligations than we could fulfill. It’s simplistic to reduce this to a matter of asking someone to make coaching a high priority, because in many instances we are not in charge of prioritizing our actions, and we often forget what is supposed to be our higher priority when we are in the day-to-day continuous swirl of events.

I’m not trying to make the job sound more complex or impossible, but rather to give you grounds upon which to appreciate the kind of commitment the client brings. Perhaps by asking the following questions you can appreciate the way coaching fits into your client’s array of commitments:

1. What could interrupt this coaching program for you? 2. How does coaching fit into what you’re already doing? 3. How will you respond when the program seems to be going too slowly, or

gets boring, or repetitious, or even seems pointless?

The other side of the conversation is what commitment you’re bringing as a coach. I recommend that you ask yourself these questions to clarify your commitment as a coach. What are you willing to work through to have the program succeed? What are you willing to give up? What will discourage you? How many times can the client break a promise before you abandon your commitment? What are you willing to change about how you work with people in order to make the coaching program succeed? Are you willing to be, at times, more committed than the client is?

Yet another way of thinking about enrollment is that it’s an invitation the coach is making to the client. Invitations are very interesting requests because they also imply a promise. First, from the request end of the invitation, there is room for the invitee, in this case the client, to say yes or no, and to modify aspects of the invitation.

Consider, for example, inviting someone to your home for a party. The invitee can say yes or no without a negative consequence, tell you about what time she’ll arrive, can ask if she can bring someone else, and so on. The implicit promise made in an invitation is that, if accepted, the invitor will do what is necessary to make it worthwhile. Naturally, we invite people when we want them to say yes. The same is true in coaching. We initiate it when we really want the person to accept. Haven’t you been able to tell when someone is inviting you just because she is feeling obligated? Your clients will be able to tell the same thing about your invitations to be coached. They’ll be listening for your sincerity in fulfilling the implicit promise. They’ll be listening for the depth of your commitment, and whether or not you feel as if the program will succeed. I recommend that you address these questions within yourself before you attempt to do enrollment with your client.

111Enrollment

All of this may seem like a dry academic exercise, but if enrollment stays merely cognitive, it’s unlikely that it will be sufficiently powerful to propel the coaching forward. As Gurdjieff and others have postulated, the human will is not directly tied to the human intellect. Emotion fits between the two. You’ve probably observed this when you’ve seen that people know what to do and yet don’t do it. People who continue to smoke cigarettes or engage in other self- destructive behavior are clear examples of what I’m speaking about.

I’m recommending that you speak in a way that touches the emotions of your client when you’re doing enrollment, because emotions directly affect the will. All great coaches, in sports for example, have always known this and have spoken directly and sometimes exclusively to the emotions.

I’m not saying that your client has to cry or be moved to profound joy, but work to find a way to have your client experience an affective connection to the coaching. Naturally this will be easier or harder to accomplish according to the particular client, but it’s almost always possible to find a way to stir some feeling about the subject. The more profound the change you are going after, the more profound the emotional force necessary to accomplish it. For example, if you are just coaching to improve a pedestrian skill like designing a filing system, you don’t need much emotional connection to the project. On the other hand, if you’re working with a client to alter the direction of her life, you’ll find it important to tap into her emotions.

You’ll be able to tell when you have made contact with the client’s emotions in several ways. First, some clients will tell you that they are moved by something that is happening in the conversation or will somehow demonstrate their feeling. Second, you will feel a deeper connection with your client in a way that feels spontaneous and natural. Third, you will notice that you are starting to have stronger feelings on the topic yourself. To sum it up, here’s a checklist for enrollment:

1. Say what could happen in the coaching effort. 2. Declare your commitment to the client and the possible outcomes. 3. Invite the client’s commitment. 4. Confront potential hindrances. 5. Continue through steps one through four until both parties feel complete.

Here is a summary of how enrollment went with Bob. You’ll see the purpose and outcomes I proposed and he accepted. I wrote them after our first conversation and after much thought. I found that the clarity and precision of such statements brought a powerful direction to coaching and enormously enhanced my credibility with the client. Additionally, when the purpose and outcome statements accurately capture the intention of the client, they provide enormous credibility for the coach, who is seen as someone who understands, appreciates, and supports the client in a profound way.

112 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

The main obstacle in the enrollment conversation with Bob was getting him to see what it would take from him to accomplish the outcomes. At first he thought it was a matter of learning to dress differently or reading a few books on leadership. The real changes, though, had to be in his compre- hension of the executive world, an increased competence to deal with complex issues, and an understanding of the ebb and flow of political forces. Bob could build on some of his skills, but he would also have to develop new ones, and most challenging of all, he would have to abandon some long-term habits.

It was my job to keep presenting the path to Bob and do that in a way that was simultaneously attractive and realistic. It was as if I were enrolling him to enter training to run a marathon. Yes, there would be benefits in his health and self-confidence, but it would also require long hours of training, physical discomfort, and new skills in dealing with unexpected emotions. If an enroller only emphasizes one aspect of the program, either the benefits or the requirements, the coaching will soon fall apart. That is because someone who doesn’t remember the point of the work will likely soon abandon it, and someone who is initially prepared to deal with the obstacles will probably abandon the work at the first hint of difficulty.

I learned all this through years of trying out many different methods, so I continued to speak to Bob until we had thoroughly discussed the range of experiences he would encounter during the coaching program. Throughout our talk I kept assuring him that I was confident in his ability to do it and in my competence in coaching him through the whole process. He had many questions, mostly in the form of ‘‘What if.?’’ Some I answered, some I postponed until the scenario he was concerned about actually occurred. Our conversation lasted about one and one-half hours, and at the end we both agreed to the purpose and outcomes presented below:

Purpose

� You will make a greater impact on people so that your career at your company continues to progress.

Outcomes

� You will have a better understanding of how people perceive you. � You will have a strategy for dealing with each of your important work

relationships. � You will be seen as decisive and effective, and considered to be a strong

candidate for executive-level positions.

113Enrollment

SUGGESTED READING

The four books in this list don’t directly discuss enrollment; however, each addresses in distinctive and pertinent ways the conditions in which enrollment occurs.

Havens, Leston. Making Contact. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1986.

An original, practical presentation of how to use language to create, conduct, and complete

therapeutic partnerships.

Johnson, Vernon E. Intervention. Minneapolis, MN: Johnson Institute Books, 1986.

Presents a powerful methodology for working with very recalcitrant clients. The principles are

adaptable to other coaching structures.

Lavine, T. Z. From Socrates to Sartre: The Philosophic Quest. New York: Bantam Books, Inc.,

1984.

Every client lives within one or more of the discourses discussed in this clear, precise survey of

the Western philosophical tradition.

Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

A study (with many verbatim examples of relevant studies, citations, and acute analysis) of the

differences between the communication styles of men and women. This book is very useful in

untangling seemingly insoluble relational and communicative issues. A great aid in designing

and conducting coaching interventions.

9

Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Copyright � 2010 James Flaherty. Published by Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Coaching Conversations

In this chapter you’ll read about three levels of coaching interventions, from

a single conversation to complex, multisession programs. The proposed structures

have been tested over time and are meant to be used as a way to keep practicing

and improving as a coach. How can you use them in your coaching efforts?

‘‘He has to see on his own behalf and in his own way the relations between means and methods employed and results achieved. Nobody else can see for him, and he can’t see just by being ‘told,’ although the right kind of telling may guide his seeing and thus help him to see what he needs to see.’’

dJohn Dewey

As was said earlier, probably the only activity you will do as a coach is speak to your client. Sometimes you may demonstrate, at other moments you’ll be listening, but the form your coaching mostly will take is speaking with your client. That’s why the earlier section on language has been included. So what do you say to your client? The most abstract way to answer the question is to respond that you say to your client something that will allow him to make a new observation. A more everyday way of answering is that you will speak with your client so that he will be able to see something or understand something or appreciate something that he couldn’t before. But the job of a coach is beyond this way of speaking because the test of coaching will be in the action that the client takes, not only in the observation he can make. So another part of the answer is that the coach speaks in a way that frees the client to take action.

Sometimes the first speaking the coach does at this stage is to point out what the client is currently embedded in. The coach might, for example, say that the complaints that have been received about the client from a major account are probably the result of a misunderstanding about what it is to provide customer service combined with a severe shortage of time. The coach could go on and describe in detail obstacles, both personal and situational, that bind the client into his current behavior. On many occasions, the clarity that this conversation provides will be sufficient to liberate the client from the current situation and leave him open to try something new.

115

116 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Naturally all of these conversations can only happen if all of the earlier steps in the flow have been attended to. Otherwise, the coach will not be able to speak in a way that makes sense to this particular client or be able to cite specifically what the current reality is. Additionally, if there’s not a strong relationship in place, the client will not be open to hearing what’s said, some of which might be bad news.

TYPES OF CONVERSATION

Having made these preliminary remarks, let’s move to three different types of conversation the coach could have with the client:

� Type One: the single conversation aimed at building or sharpening a competence

� Type Two: a more complex conversation held over several sessions � Type Three: a profound and longer conversation intended to bring about

fundamental change

Given the scope of this book, we’ll spend most of our time studying Type One and Type Two conversations. Because Type Three is more profound, it will bring about deeper change, and readers of an introductory text such as this may be reluctant to enter into such issues with clients. Besides that, in most business situations there is not very much of an opening for engaging in Type Three conversations.

Type One

Here are some examples of situations that probably can be resolved in a single conversation. What will make these conversations coaching is that at the end the client will be more competent. You may already be having these conversations and not calling them coaching, but if it fits the criterion of leaving the client more competent, it is a coaching conversation, regardless of its simplicity or complexity.

� Intervening in aimless complaining � Responding to a request about how to do something � Clarifying standards for performance and presentation � Addressing the lack of phone etiquette in an otherwise cordial person � Discontinuing the repetition of a simple mistake

Type Two

Type Two conversations are more complex and are usually held over several sessions. Here are some examples of situations that probably require more than one coaching conversation with a client to resolve.

� The client is not being open to the input of others. � The client is not organized.

117Coaching Conversations

� The client is overcommitting himself. � The client is acting timid and unassertive. � The client must be trained to install and maintain a complex piece of

equipment.

Type Three

Type Three is a longer and more profound conversation intended to bring about fundamental change. Following are some examples of situations that would require this type of conversation.

� Discovering one’s life purpose � Beginning or ending a primary relationship � Making long-term financial commitments � Career change � Raising children

TYPE ONE: SINGLE CONVERSATIONS

Even a single coaching conversation must have a large background if the products of coachingdlong-term excellent performance, self-correction, and self-generationdare to be produced. Don’t let the short duration of time that you invest in the conversation lead you to neglect preparation. That is to say, only when the relationship is in place, you’ve done some assessment, and you have observed an opening for coaching are you in the position to approach your client to resolve a simple issue in a single conversation.

Outline and Example

You’re a sales manager for a group that sells accounting software. About ten salespeople work for you in a fast-paced informal environment. Each sales- person works in a cubicle and you have an office with no door, so it is easy for you to overhear what is happening on the phones. On this particular morning you hear Frank being rude to the point of being obnoxious with one of your largest potential customers. You immediately decide that you must do some- thing about it because you might lose the business, Frank may be doing this with other customers, and other salespeople have overheard Frank and may think that his behavior is acceptable. Here’s how such a conversation might go:

1 Enrollment

� Ask the client for permission to coach. � Say in general what the outcomes could be.

118 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Coach: Frank, I just overheard your conversation with the Bank of Tokyo and it sounded to me as if it didn’t go well. I’m wondering if you are open to discussing it with me, so that together we can discover a way that a conversation like that could go better in the future.

Client: To say it didn’t go well is a bit of an understatement. But you know how those people can be. Pointed in their questions and guarded in their answers, and I can’t figure out what to do. What can I tell you? I got, shall we say, annoyed?

2 Clarifying Intention

Ask the client:

� ‘‘What were you attempting to accomplish?’’ � ‘‘Did it happen?’’ � ‘‘How could you tell?’’

You may think that asking ‘‘Why?’’ or ‘‘Why not?’’ is a more simple way of speaking here, but asking that will usually trigger justification and defensive- ness, and what you’re after is giving the client room to step back and observe rather than dig in and generate excuses.

Coach: So, what were you trying to get done in that call? And were you able to get that done?

Client: Well, I was trying to find out if they were interested in being able to network their northern California branches together so that they could take advantage of one database located in San Francisco. And I can tell you for sure that didn’t happen. What happened instead was that I had to answer ten technical questions to help them solve problems that they already had and deal with five objections about how expen- sive our products are.

3 Revealing Thought Process

Ask the client:

� ‘‘How did you decide what to do?’’ � ‘‘How did you analyze the situation?’’ � ‘‘What were you feeling at the time?’’

The idea here is to allow both you and the client to understand as exactly as possible how the action came about. In other words, you are working to reveal the structure of interpretation that led to what the client did. As a coach, it is important throughout all of this to remain calm and open, and to avoid reacting even if you disagree with what the client is saying, or if you find yourself judging the client as stupid or inept. Your judgments won’t help the situation.

119Coaching Conversations

Coach: Okay, Frank, once you got in the middle of that, how did you figure out what to do? What was going on for you? How were you strategizing on your feet, as it were?

Client: Uh, let’s see.I figured that if I could answer a few questions then they would think I was a good guy and they would open up to me. And then I thought that if I started to sound a little put off by their insistence, that they would stop asking questions and start answering my questions. I was putting them a little bit into my debt so that I could get what I wanted. And as the conversation went on and on, I got more and more frustrated because it seemed like they were willing to take everything I said and not give anything back. That’s probably what you heard in my voice.

4 Invitation to See in a New Way

Given what the client stated as the intended outcome in step two above, you now have a chance to offer a new way of seeing the situation that can lead to more effective action. Here is where many people stop doing coaching and fall into solving problems or telling clients what to do. You will stay out of these temptations if you trust that the client will take the more effective action as soon as he can see it. You will keep coaching if you remain dedicated to providing the distinction and not recommending an action. A simple example is inviting the client who views incoming telephone calls as an interruption to instead view the caller as a customer for whom work is being done and as someone who funds his employment. A simple shift like that can completely reorient the way your client interacts to an interrupting phone call. The new way of interacting leads naturally to our next point.

Coach: You’re right, the annoyance was obvious. So let’s take a few moments and try and look at the situation in a different way. Probably the most important thing to understand in your relationship with the Bank of Tokyo is patience, patience, patience. I have discovered over the years that big institutions take a long time to make decisions and really have to trust the vendor before they invest.

My recommendation to you is that you understand the conversation with a huge bank as a long-term project which may take a year or more to develop, rather than a short-term project which you can close in one conversation or two. What I’m saying is to consider yourself a tree farmer when you are working with institutions, instead of a flower grower who is looking for growth and change every single day.

You can count on me to support you in nurturing these long-term relationships and not pressuring you to come to closure quickly. Is what I’m saying making sense to you?

Client: Yeah, as you talk I’m seeing that a lot of what was going on for me was impatience. They seemed so interested in their last phone call that I thought they really were ready to sign. You know how it is, even though

120 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

I’ve been in this racket for a year and even though it’s not a deal until we have a contract and a check, I was already imagining driving the new car that I was going to get from this huge commission. So yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll be more patient and I do appreciate your not being on my case about spending time talking to these folks, or taking them out to lunch, or answering their questions, or whatever it is going to take.

5 New Actions and Offering Support

Stay with steps one through four until you feel confident that each has been accomplished. Then ask your client what new action he will take given the new way the situation is being observed. You can do this by asking, ‘‘Now that you are seeing the situation in this new way, what action will you take?’’ and ‘‘How will you be able to correct yourself in the future so that your actions are consistent with your new observation?’’ Additionally, you can be sure that you will strengthen your partnership with your client if you ask him in what ways you can support him and then take the action that is requested.

Coach: That’s great, Frank, and you’ve already listed some new actions that you can take. Is there any way I can support you beyond what you’ve already said?

Client: I don’t think so except maybe I could talk to you after my calls with the bank, and you could give me your best feedback about how it’s going. Maybe you could even come with me on one of the tours they’re going to give us of their main branch next week.

Coach: I’d be glad to do both of those with you. Let me know when it’s sched- uled and I’ll clear my calendar.

The example follows the outline pretty closely, so I won’t take any more time to make the connections which you can probably make just as well yourself. What made the conversation with Frank work was that he could observe how he was being in the phone conversation and see the same situation in a different way. It’s the ‘‘seeing it in a new way’’ that is coaching. It’s what will bring about the products of coaching and leave Frank competent in the future.

TYPE TWO: SEVERAL CONVERSATIONS

As you will recall, Type Two situations require several conversations (see Figure 9.1). I’ll follow the same process as I did with Type One.

Conversation Number One

Background

During the first conversation, you formally establish the coaching relationship, which means that you request commitment from your client and promise your commitment. Authentic commitment can only happen after you’ve honestly

FIGURE 9.1 Overview: Type Two Coaching

121Coaching Conversations

confronted potential interruptions to the program’s success. The conversation usually begins with a discussion of the opening for coaching that you have observed (see Figure 9.2). Be enrolling and encouraging during this conver- sation. Remember that your client may be unaware of what you’re speaking about. Be prepared to cite examples, to use metaphors, and to describe your observation in different ways.

Once your client expresses some openness or interest, move to a conversa- tion in which you formally establish the coaching relationship. It is important

FIGURE 9.2 Conversation #1 Overview

122 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

during the enrollment conversation that you establish your credibility with the client. For this to occur, you must be competent to conduct the program, respectful of your client, and skillful in dealing with concerns, questions, or objections your client expresses.

Speak next about ways in which your client can observe what you are talking about. Before you can do this, you must sufficiently understand your client’s way of observing. Use one of the assessment models to determine this. It is perfectly fine for the client not to completely understand what you’re talking about.

The self-observation exercise that you assign during this conversation will allow your client to come up with his own data. The point is that your client will increase the opening for coaching. Since the point of coaching is to alter the

123Coaching Conversations

client’s structure of interpretation, it is more important initially to work on observation than on action.

At this juncture, you may have to reenroll your client in the program. Don’t be alarmed. This often occurs, and a review of the conversation up to that point will likely remind your client of the program’s benefits, your support, and your confidence in the client’s success.

Beware any premature impulse you have to move your client into action. You are working toward a major change. Keep focused on the long term. The time you put into the coaching effort will more than pay for itself in the end. Acting this way requires discipline from the coach, which is why it’s important for the coach to continually observe himself (see Chapter 11 on the two tracks of coaching).

End the first conversation by determining specific times and ways of communicating. Specify how available to your client you will make yourself for support. Last of all, schedule the date for Conversation Number Twodusually it’s two to three weeks later.

After all those words, here is a preparation list and a summary outline with an example conversation:

Preparation

� Prepare yourself by using an assessment model to better understand your client (see the Assessment Exercise at the end of this chapter and also Chapter 6).

� Write out a self-observation exercise to give to your client during the session (see the Self-Observation Exercise at the end of this chapter and also Appendix A).

� List three intended outcomes that could be achieved in the coaching program. Modify them as necessary so that they’re suitable for both client and coach.

� Consider what questions, concerns, or objections your potential client may have and be prepared to address them.

Outline

Introduction

� What openings for coaching have you seen? � Is the client open to being coached? � What could happen for the client?

Coach: Susan, I noticed during your presentation in our staff meeting on Tuesday that there were some awkward moments for you. I know I might be putting my foot in my mouth here, but during the ques- tion-and-answer period it seemed to me that there were times when you didn’t know what to say or, to be more exact, you really weren’t very open to what the questioner was saying. It seemed as if you had already come to your conclusions and that was that. Now I might be

124 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

off base here, but that’s how it seemed to me and as I thought back I remembered some other times when I saw the same kind of interac- tions between you and other people on our team. So, what do you think, Susan? Do you know what I’m talking about?

Client: What can I say when I’m being, even if it’s in a nice way, accused of not being open? What can I say? I guess I’m open to what you’re saying.

Coach: Well, Susan, that’s really all it’ll take for us to work together on thisdyou’re open to finding out if what I’m saying holds up or not. It’s my view that some of the recurring problems we have discussed happened partly because of the situation we’re talking about today. So I feel that if we could work on this and support you in being a little bit more open in how you listen to folks, your work would go faster and be interrupted less.

Client: Well, you know me. I really am interested in getting this stuff out the door and if something I’m doing is getting in the way, I’m willing to find out about it even if it’s not really comfortable. So, how do you think we could do it?

Enrollment

� What you’ll provide � What you ask of the client � Possible interruptions and hindrances � Agreement about outcomes (coach and client write these down)

Coach: Before we get into that, Susan, I really want you to know that I fully support you in your position and that, in general, I think you’re doing an excellent job. And you can also count on me to support you all the way through this improvement effort that we are talking about today. I’ll carve out time in my calendar so that we can talk about it, and I’ll be patient with you as you are learning and discovering and changing.

Client: Well that’s good, because the last thing I need is more pressure to get better at this quick while I’m still trying to meet those deadlines at the end of the month.

Coach: Yeah, I know what you mean and I think it’s possible for us to work on both at the same time since we both are willing to do it and we see that it’s important. The main hindrance I see is time constraints, which I’m sure we can work out between us.

Client: Okay, well, if we’re going to talk about roadblocks, let me be up front with you and say that I’m not really sure there is a basis for what you said. I don’t want this to look like I’m just going through the motions, so can you explain again what you are talking about?

125Coaching Conversations

Exercise

� Give observation exercise � Answer questions/address concerns

Coach: My idea is that instead of telling you what I see, I’ll let you discover it for yourself. This is what I meandfor, say, the next two weeks, when- ever you are doing a presentation or answering technical questions for somebody, watch yourself very closely. Pay special attention to your mood. I mean how open you feel to the other people in the conversa- tion. Notice if you feel put upon, or pressed, or threatened in any way. Also notice what you say at the end of each of these situations. Take a few moments after the conversation to jot down what you’ve noticed. And then you and I can get together, say, in ten days and go over what you’ve discovered, and we’ll see if there is any basis for what I’m speaking about.

Client: Listen, boss, I can save you a lot of time. I don’t know what you’re getting at, but I don’t ever feel threatened or pushed or whatever you said.

Coach: Instead of coming to a conclusion now, let’s take some time and do this observation experiment and see what we come up with. What I’m asking you to do is keep an open mind and be honest with your- self, and not to go by the conclusion you have already made.

Support

� How you will communicate � How available you are � Schedule the next session

Client: It’s only because I really trust you that I am willing to go along with it. But I am willing to along with it, so when I get back to my desk I’ll call up your calendar on my screen and schedule some time at the end of next week and we’ll go from there.

Coach: Sounds good to me and if you have any questions in the meantime, please call me or send an e-mail message.

Sometimes it doesn’t flow so logically or smoothly, but you could probably tell in this example that it was the strength of the relationship that made it work. The next conversation would happen about ten days later.

Conversation Number Two

Background

During this conversation, the learning from the observation exercise is put into action. By beginning a new practice that you assign, your client will become more competent.

126 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Usually, the conversation begins with a report from the client on what’s happening in the coaching program (see Figure 9.3). This conversation is, in a way, a continuation of the follow-up you’ve had between sessions. You’ll have more time now to address any concerns, questions, or breakdowns in more depth.

Build on what your client reports. Flesh out the observations. Find out together in what ways observation, action, and outcomes are connected. Use what your client reports to strengthen enrollment in the program, review the outcomes to see what progress is being made, and assess the efficacy of your work together. Keep listening to synthesize and to understand your client better.

Next, discuss what new behavior your client could initiate that would bring about the outcomes. See how much your client can suggest given what was observed. Speak about what competence is necessary to successfully perform the behavior. This conversation naturally flows to a talk about new practices.

FIGURE 9.3 Conversation #2 Overview

127Coaching Conversations

Introduce the new practice(s) that you designed. Tie the practice(s) to developing competence that will allow the client to achieve the outcomes. Enroll the client in doing the practice(s).

The conversation ends by scheduling the next conversation (three to four weeks later) and planning the follow-up. Your client may require more support during this phase, because initiating a new practice frequently precipitates questions, breakdowns, and changes in behavior.

Preparation

� What do you intend to accomplish in this session? � What is your assessment of how the coaching program is going? Are there

any corrections to make? � What questions or concerns is your client likely to have during this session,

especially regarding the new practices? How will you address these? � What questions do you have for your client? � Design a practice for your client (see the Practice Exercise at the end of this

chapter and also Appendix B).

Outline

Introduction and Connections

� Report from observation exercise � Determine how program is going � Show how what the client has observed affects behavior and outcomes � Acknowledge all positive results � Review outcomes for program

Coach: Susan, although I have a pretty good idea from some of the brief conversations we’ve had, I’d like you to, if you would, summarize what you’ve learned from observing yourself in the way that we spoke about last time we met.

Client: Well, I saw that there was probably more to what you had seen than I was willing to admit before. And I’m not exactly happy with it now but I think you’re rightdI have to relax a bit more and not be so anxious when people start pressing in on me. Otherwise, it starts to look like I don’t know what I’m doing or I’m trying to hide something.

Coach: That was exactly the point of having you observedso that you could come to your own conclusions based upon direct observation. I caution you about somethingdit’s likely that you’ve been doing this for a while and it has become a habitual response, and so it won’t change by just wishing that it were different. It’s going to take a concentrated, sustained effort that’s very focused.

128 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Client: Why am I getting the distinct idea that you have something in mind?

Changes and New Practice

� Talk about initiating new behavior: moving toward outcomes, building upon results so far

� What competence the new behavior will take � Introduce new practice � Integrate practice into program � Answer questions and concerns � Enroll client in doing practice

Coach: Funny you should mention that. Here is my idea. It’s that you start a new way of preparing for your presentations and a new way of con- ducting yourself during them.

Besides the usual thorough research you do, look through the list of people who are attending the meeting and ask yourself what questions, objections, or concerns they are likely to bring up, and then answer them in your own way before you go into the meeting.

Second, while you’re conducting your presentation or are in a tech- nical conversation with somebody, keep observing the way you did before. When you begin to detect the earliest sign of closing down, ask yourself one of two questions. The first one is, ‘‘What is threat- ening me?’’ Second is, ‘‘Is there any real reason to feel threatened?’’ By asking yourself these two questions, you will undoubtedly find that you’re not being threatened.

Sometimes people may make points at your expense or have some political agenda going on, and sometimes people really don’t know what they are talking about and they’re just swinging away. The ques- tions will remind you of all of that and return you to the presentation you have prepared.

On the rare occasions when the questions don’t bring this about, say this to the person who you feel is threatening you: ‘‘I’m unclear about what you’re attempting to accomplish with your remarks. Can you please take a moment to explain it to me, so that I may be more responsive to you?’’ While your question is being answered, you can regroup and, by listening to the response, get a better idea about what the person is up to.

Support

� Schedule next time to speak � Schedule next session

129Coaching Conversations

Client: Okay, I’ll try it. What I think I’ll do is write those questions on the top of each page of my notes so that I can refer to them if needed. I espe- cially like your third point about how I can speak to somebody who is starting to sound offensive in a way that doesn’t sound defensive, but does move the conversation forward.

Coach: That’s the idea. So why don’t you try this out for the next month or so and then we’ll meet and see how it went?

Client: Okay, boss, you got it.

Conversation Number Three

Background

The challenge now is to complete the program leaving enough structure and competence in place so that your client remains self-correcting and self- generating (see Figure 9.4). Several pitfalls may appear during this part of the program.

Pitfall #1: Client, in spite of observed outcomes, is convinced that no change has happened or that it was circumstantial or that it won’t last. Remedy: Your client has demonstrated some competence. Continual practice will ensure continual improvement. Remind your client of the distinctions between outcomes/competence and negative assessment/mood.

Pitfall #2: Client feels/thinks/concludes that it’s only by your continuing to coach that competence will remain or outcomes will continue to happen. Remedy: Review what has happened with your client. The client made the commitment, did the work, made the changes, and consequently, brought about the outcomes.

Pitfall #3: Your client says nothing has happened. Competence has not improved. No progress has been made on the outcomes. There’s an edge of disappointment/despair/resignation, or maybe cyni- cism/skepticism, and maybe some accusation/antagonism directed at you. Remedy: Stay open. There’s no need to defend. Examine what has happeneddin every case something has improved, so it’s a matter of the speed of the improvement, not its existence. Advise your client to be patient. Add additional observation exer- cises, practices, or sessions as necessary. In extreme cases, take what you’ve both learned in the program and begin again at Conversation One. Be sure to redo all of the steps, especially your assessment of the client.

If there are no pitfalls, or after you have worked through them, acknowledge progress in all parts of the client’s life, and show the client his new competence and the outcomes of it in all domains.

FIGURE 9.4 Conversation #3 Overview

130 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Speak about the new ways that people can trust and rely upon your client. In other words, talk about the new identity the client has begun to establish. Discuss what new possibilities this opens up for your client.

Preparation

� Read over your notes from the follow-up conversation(s) � Review the outcomes for the program � Have many examples of your client’s new competencies � Answer/address the questions in the summary outline

Outline

The example cited does not address all of the points listed in the outline. That’s because the coach and the client have an ongoing relationship in which these topics will eventually get discussed. In situations where there is not as much day-to-day contact, it probably makes more sense to address the topics of ‘‘Acknowledging Progress’’ in all domains and ‘‘The Future’’ in more detail.

Introduction

� Report results of new practice � Progress on outcomes � What openings? What breakdowns?

131Coaching Conversations

Pitfalls (if necessary)

� Identification � Staying open to what client says � Reminding client of outcomes � Leaving client self-correcting and self-generating � Adding observation exercises, practices, or sessions as necessary � Beginning program again if required

Acknowledging Progress

� In all domains, not only coaching topics � New possibilities for client � new relationships? � new identity? � new conversations?

� New learnings � about self? � about others? � about work? � about becoming competent?

The Future

� Addressing potential breakdowns � what to look for � actions to take

� Continuing to improve � in what? � new practices?

Example of Conversation Number Three

The conversation might go something like this. No pitfalls are encountered, but I suggest you prepare for them.

Coach: Well, from reading your e-mail messages, it sounds as if the ideas we came up with are working pretty well for you.

Client: That’s right. I can’t say that it’s gone perfectly. There have been a few times when I feel like I have blown it, but there is probably a 75 or 80 percent improvement. The one guy I still can’t figure out is Kevin Browndyou know, that new college kid in marketing? He seems to make himself into a human bulldozer whenever I start talking. And I have said the equivalent of ‘‘shut up’’ to him on several occasions in the last month.

132 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Coach: Here is my advice. Take him out to lunch and find out what his story is. Find out if it’s just his style and that’s how he is with everyone, or if there is some way you’ve offended him or what. Perhaps you can set up a kind of signal you can give each other when it looks as if either one of you is going to get into it, and then you can handle it outside of the meeting.

Client: Well I’m willing to try that and maybe if that doesn’t work, you can give it a try talking to him.

Coach: I’m willing to do that if we have to but I don’t think it’s going to be necessary. My guess is that you’ll be able to handle it just fine.

Client: I appreciate your confidence in me and I do feel more able to keep myself out of trouble these days. Do you have any ideas about how I could keep getting better at this or do you feel like, you know, I’m as good as I’m going to get?

Coach: Well, maybe the next step you could take is to ask yourself questions like, ‘‘What question am I not answering that makes this questioner keep pressing in on me?’’ or, ‘‘What is it about the way that I’m speaking that is stirring up the response I’m getting?’’ My point is that you can start to hear yourself from other people’s points of view while you’re in the middle of speaking. That way you can correct yourself in the middle.

Client: Well, what you’ve said so far is really good, so I’m willing to go with these other suggestions as soon as I feel more able to handle what I’ve already started.

Summary

By now you may have forgotten where all of this began, which is with the premise of coaching. The principle of coaching is to provide language and practice that alter the structure of interpretation of the client. The coach in the examples above did that. From time to time the coach did more than that and gave specific instructions about specific activities. Perhaps these actions could even be considered coaching because the intent was to leave the client competent and not merely to solve the problem.

TYPE THREE

Type One and Type Two conversations will probably cover any conversa- tions you have at work. The coaching situation with Bob is a good illus- tration of a Type Three conversation, so I will reference that work in the outline below.

Type Three conversation may be what you employ in coaching people outside of the work environment or with people with whom you have

133Coaching Conversations

a profound relationship. The design elements are more intricate and probably will require more thinking on your part. But this additional work will more than justify itself in the depth and longevity of the changes brought about.

Some questions to address while designing the conversation are:

1 How will you specifically recognize the fulfillment of the coaching program? List observable phenomena.

Observable phenomena are changes that both the client and the coach can observe and agree on. Examples are speaking up more in meetings, initiating new programs, completing projects on time. Being clear in your thinking, feeling better about yourself, and having more certainty are not phenomena that can be observed by both the coach and client and therefore are best not listed as outcomes for the program.

In Bob’s case, the program would be complete when:

A. He was promoted. B. He was competent to deal successfully with the political environment

at work. C. He was able to take the necessary steps to continue on his upward

career path. D. He was able to do all of this while still attending to his commitments

outside of work, including his family and his own well-being.

2 What distinctions must the client incorporate in order to fulfill the outcome as specified?

To address this you’ll have to think in a new way. Instead of trying to figure out what new actions the client must take, ask yourself what the client must be able to observe in order to take this new action. For example, the client must be able to observe when he is interrupting a conversation, when he is continuing to put off taking action, or when he has stopped listening. The word incorporate is used in its literal sense, that is, that distinctions must become part of the body of the client. These distinctions become incor- porated when they become part of a practice that is repeated again and again.

The important distinctions for Bob were:

A. That he listened from the point of view of a leader in the organization and not just a manager in the accounting department.

B. That he could detect levels of meaning and not obvious intentions in the speaking of others at work.

134 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

C. That he could detect who was trustworthy. D. That he could observe when his communication was having the

intended effect. E. That he could observe as soon as his life began to go out of balance.

3 What distinctions (e.g., belief, fear, negative assessment) must the client abandon?

Perhaps this point is already clear, but with adult learners the greatest difficulty is in letting go of what is hindering learning. As coaches we often make the mistake of only pointing out new distinctions, new practices, and new actions and forget that there may be ways of observing and acting that are in the way. Clearly, it will take a period of observation to come to some understanding about what these distinctions are for a particular client.

From your reading of my case study with Bob, you probably could fill in this category yourself. Nonetheless, here are the distinctions I felt he must abandon:

A. Being obsessed with factual truth rather than the interpretation of events that was being acted upon at the job.

B. His strongly felt opinion that merely doing good work would lead to the recognition he wanted.

C. That office politics were below him and that he could ignore them. D. That everyone should of course know about his good intentions and

appreciate him for them.

4 What life-world structures (habits, relationships, practices, etc.) maintain the hindering distinctions?

In order to bring about the outcomes of the program, the client will have to undo structures that are getting in the way. For example, a client who is working on being able to listen better may have to give up the habit of working on his computer during conference calls, or flipping through his messages when a colleague is having a conversation with him. These are small examples, but I’m sure you can get the point.

For Bob to make progress he had to give up these life-world structures that had supported him up until now:

A. Micromanaging his department and personally verifying every number on every report they published.

B. Complaining about decisions upper management made instead of looking at the forces that shaped the decisions.

135Coaching Conversations

C. Keeping quiet during meetings and letting his reports speak for themselves.

5 What exercise(s)/practice(s) can you assign that will allow your client to observe these distinctions and structures?

This is designing a breakdown. Assign an observation exercise to your client, the point being for him to find out for himself the importance of the program.

Following are some of the self-observation exercises I asked Bob to engage in during our six-month program:

Focus: Gaining StrengthdInitiating � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

1. What actions, conversations, or relationships did you initiate? 2. What other actions, conversations, or relationships were there that you

wanted to initiate but didn’t? How are you justifying that? 3. What actions, conversations, or relationships will you initiate next? How

can you ensure that what you initiate will be effective/satisfying? 4. What are you learning about yourself and initiating? How and when will

you take what you’re learning into action?

Focus: Gaining StrengthdMaking Decisions � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

This exercise has two parts. Please attend to both parts each day.

Part I 1. What important decisions did you make? 2. How did you make those decisions?

136 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

3. Was there any conflict around your decisions? How did you deal with the conflict?

4. How do you feel about the decisions you made today? What are you learning about yourself and your decisions? How and when will you take your learning into action?

Part II 1. What decisions did you avoid making? What justifications, excuses, or

stories did you employ in your avoidance? 2. When will you make the decisions? 3. What decisions will you make tomorrow? Write them down.

Use Part I and Part II of this exercise to support you in making decisions.

Focus: Gaining StrengthdMaking Requests � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

This exercise has two parts. Please attend to both parts each day.

Part I 1. What requests did you make? 2. How successful were your requests (i.e., did what you requested happen)? 3. What made your requests successful? 4. How do you feel about your requests? What are you learning about yourself

and requesting? When and how will you take what you’re learning into action?

Part II 1. What requests did you avoid making? How are you justifying that? 2. When will you make the requests? 3. What requests will you make tomorrow? Write them down. What can you

do to increase the likelihood that your requests will succeed?

Use Part I and Part II of this exercise to support you in making successful requests.

Focus: Gaining StrengthdPushing Back � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

137Coaching Conversations

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

Pushing back means declining a request, publicly questioning someone else’s assumptions, stating what you’d prefer instead of what’s being offered, refusing to be characterized or pigeonholed, avoiding being manipulateddall done with as much respect, tact, and skill as possible.

1. In what ways did you push back in relationships, conversations, meetings? 2. What happened from your pushing back? How did you feel? Did it produce

any conflict? How did you respond to the conflict? 3. Did you feel like pushing back and not do it? How are you justifying that?

What were the consequences of not pushing back, especially in terms of your emotions, mood, energy?

4. What are you learning about yourself and pushing back? How and when will you take your learning into action?

Focus: What Are My Resources? This assignment is slightly different. It’s an inventory you complete by both

observation and research.

1. What are your greatest strengths professionally and personally? 2. Who is part of your network of support? What specific support does each

person provide? 3. What does it take for you to live the way you do? Specifically address the

question in terms of: � monthly expenses (include yearly items such as property taxes, etc. by

dividing them by 12) � hours dedicated to job (include travel), work at home, your spouse/lover,

your children, meal preparation, cleaning, maintenance of home, clothes, car, etc.

� emotional energy � hours devoted to self-care � any other costs, physical, mental, or monetary

4. What resources do you have to address all the costs listed in #3 above? 5. What are you learning in this exercise? Does your costs/resources analysis

require any changes on your part? What new actions will you take from what you’re discovering?

Focus: What Do I Want for the Future? This assignment is slightly different. It’s an inventory you complete by both

observation and research. Please answer the following questions this week. For each time frame listed, please answer the questions below.

138 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Time Frame 6 months 1 year 2 years 5 years 10 years 20 years

Questions 1. What do you want to be doing? 2. Whom do you want in your life? In what capacity? 3. What resources do you want to have? 4. What experiences do you want to be having? 5. In what ways do you want to be growing/learning? 6. In what other way could you describe your life?

Focus: Accomplishments at Work � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

1. What did you actually accomplish at work today? 2. What will this accomplishment move forward? 3. How did you decide to accomplish this? 4. What action will you take from what you observed in this exercise?

Focus: Challenging Others at Work � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

1. Whom did you challenge today? 2. Why? 3. What were all the outcomes of this challenge? 4. What action(s) will you take from what you have observed in this exercise?

139Coaching Conversations

Focus: Insistence at Work � Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself

into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life.

� Using the following questions, begin to observe yourself in life. Observe quietly, passively. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world.

� At the end of each day, scan through your day and note what happened and how you reacted. You may want to write notes so you can begin to notice patterns.

1. What did you insist upon today? 2. How did you justify your insistence? 3. What were the effects of your insistence upon yourself? Upon your work

relationships? 4. What action(s) will you take from what you have observed in this exercise?

6. What practices can you assign that will incorporate the new distinctions (from #2 above)?

Designing practices takes creativity. If you’ve done a thorough job of addressing question #2, you will have an easier time of designing practices. Practices are meant to give the client a chance to make a new distinction over and over again, and then to follow up with an action which flows from that new observation. Perhaps remembering how you learned how to do something yourself will help you out in designing practices. What did you go through in learning to drive a car? Certainly the practice wasn’t simply to get in and drive around! That might sound silly, but that is what some people consider practice to bedjust go and do it, rather than take the steps necessary in order to do it competently. It’s as if you told the person whom you were coaching in typing to just sit down and start typing, instead of going through all of the different exercises and practices it takes to really learn how to do it.

Here is a sample of the major practices I asked Bob to do during his program:

Focus: Discovering the Concerns of Others For each of the people listed below, answer the following questions. Do

research to find the answers; don’t merely speculate on your own. Remember that the answers will keep changing. You will provide baseline information for yourself by doing the exercise. Additionally, you will begin to strengthen your ability to think and observe in bigger contexts.

People 1. Your peers 2. Your boss 3. Your boss’s boss

140 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

4. Your three top internal customers 5. Your three top external customers 6. Your subordinates 7. The executive managing your part of the company 8. The CEO 9. The Chairman and two other board members

10. The person holding the job you want next

Questions 1. What are the three top business concerns of this person? 2. What is the career path of this person (past and future)? 3. What does this person value in a business associate? 4. What is this person’s business agenda for the next six months, twelve

months, two years, five years, ten years? 5. What is this person’s styledof working, of leadership, of

communicating?

Focus: Building a Network of Support Part 1 Go back to your findings in the previous section, ‘‘Discovering the Concerns of

Others.’’ For each person listed (and for the additional people noted below), ask yourself the following questions. Then take the appropriate action to expand/extend your network of support.

People 1. Your peers 2. Your boss 3. Your boss’s boss 4. Your three top internal customers 5. Your three top external customers 6. Your subordinates 7. The executive managing your part of the company 8. The CEO 9. The Chairman and two other board members

10. The person holding the job you want next

Additional People � Your counterparts in other parts of the company � Experts in the political environment of the company � The people you admire at work � The people making decisions about your career

Questions 1. What concerns or breakdowns can I alleviate for this person? 2. What information, support, or guidance can I offer to this person? 3. In what other ways can I support this person?

141Coaching Conversations

Part 2 Make a list of people at work who can be part of your network of support. Use

the questions that follow to prompt your thinking. Keep your eyes open for new people to include.

1. What concerns/breakdowns do I currently have that someone can support me in?

2. What concerns/breakdowns do I anticipate having that someone can support me in?

3. What input, information, or guidance would make my current work easier? My future clearer?

4. Whose actions don’t I understand? Who could shed light on them for me? 5. What future decision/policy would I like to know about in advance? Who

could help me with this?

Focus: The Big Picture By addressing the following questions, you will have a solid understanding of

the big picture at your company.

1. What are the top five specific threats to your company during the next year? The next five years? The next ten years? What ought your company do about them?

2. What specific economic or political situations will impact your company most in the next year, the next five years, the next ten years? Answer this for your company as a whole, and for each major business. Then do it by geographical area: United States and North America, Asia, Europe, South America, Africa. What will the impact be? What ought your company do in response?

3. What people, both within and outside of your company, will have the most influence upon the company? What will the influence be?

7 What are the likely potential breakdowns in your client’s enacting these practices?

The breakdowns will be in both beliefs and emotions, as well as in the existing constraints of time and energy, priorities, resources, and so on. Again, it will take observation of your client over time to determine what these potential breakdowns might be.

The breakdowns I predicted for Bob were:

A. He would become discouraged by the complexity of the changes necessary.

B. He would become impatient with how long the program took. C. He would make the judgment that he didn’t have the necessary skills

or temperament to be an executive.

142 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

8 What will these breakdowns reveal to your client? Should you allow the breakdowns to happen or try to prevent them?

Breakdowns aren’t bad. In fact, in a recent survey of executives, researchers learned that it’s within breakdowns that leaders learn the most. If a breakdown is too disruptive to your client, however, he may stop the coaching program. Weigh the benefits of what will be revealed against the emotional and situa- tional impact of the breakdown.

I was very aware that I would have to keep reenrolling Bob as his program went along. Usually during breakdown I would remind him of the purpose of our program and I would point out that it was actually good news to find out in a concrete way what was hindering his forward prog- ress. Although it may have been uncomfortable at the time when he made such discoveries, it was these insights that showed Bob what had been getting in the way so that he could take some appropriate action. It was my preparation for and sensitivity to these breakdowns that ensured that Bob would move toward his goals.

9 What support will your client require during the program, especially during breakdown?

From knowing your client, take a moment to consider this point and prepare for both the breakdowns you are anticipating and the inevitable ones that will come unexpectedly.

Bob did a lot of his processing by writing in a journal and speaking with me on the phone. These two activities seemed sufficient to support Bob.

10 Who can provide support for your client?

The point here is that others besides you can support your client. A major program such as the one we are in the middle of discussing will require chal- lenging, difficult changes in your client’s orientation and behavior. It makes a lot of sense to have other people available to provide information and emotional support. I recommend that you don’t make yourself into the equivalent of a heart and lung machine for your client. Doing so will not leave your client independent and it will leave you unnecessarily constricted in your own freedom of action.

Besides me, Nancy was available to support Bob, and as he built alli- ances with upper management, people in those ranks also began to support him.

143Coaching Conversations

11 How could you structure this coaching program?

� What will be its duration? � How often will you and your client meet? What will be the duration of these

meetings? � How much time will this program demand of your client? What other resources? � How often will you communicate? In what form? � How available will you make yourself to your client?

Address all these points in your design and be open to changing them according to what happens when you present the program to your client and as the program progresses.

Bob’s program lasted six months. We met for six half-days and spoke with each other on the phone weekly. The exercises I asked Bob to do probably took between two and four hours a week. I told Bob I would be available to him outside of our scheduled times if he encountered some- thing requiring our immediate attention. That did in fact happen on several occasions during his program. I didn’t tell Bob that I was available 24 hours a day. I did warn him that because of my other work, I might not be able to get back to him immediately in all cases. That was fine with him.

12 What metaphor(s) could you use to show the outcome of the program to your client?

Let me simply give you some examples of this. For someone who is becoming very distracted in the completion of a project, you could say that currently his work is like a pipe full of steam that has loose joints that allow the steam to escape and therefore diminish the power of the apparatus. After the coaching, the cli- ent’s work would be like a pipe with no leaks, so that the full heat and pressure of the steam can be applied to the machine. For someone who is disorganized and has to reorganize himself each day or even each hour, perhaps you could use the metaphor of reading a book, so that being disorganized is like having to begin at page one again and again, while being organized allows one to pick up where one left off without any loss of time or effort. For a client who is not being assertive, perhaps you can use the metaphor of a diamond that is covered with dust, alluding to the fact that there is nothing wrong with the diamond and that it’s simply a matter of cleaning it off so that its true brilliance can shinedthe connection being that overcoming nonassertiveness is not a matter of the client being adequate but of there being something in the way of his adequacy coming across to others. Metaphors can be very memorable for your clients and can be used to give them an intuitive feel for what success in the program will be like.

The essential metaphor I kept returning to with Bob was that his executive potential was like oil buried deep beneath the ground, which

144 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

would only become valuable when it was brought to the surface. Given that he worked for an oil company, this was an apt description for the task of showing his aptitude for leadership to the people who could promote him.

13 What paperwork (calendars, worksheets, etc.) would support your client?

The more support you can give to your client the better. What have you used to remind yourself, to keep yourself organized, or keep yourself focused on your work?

I gave Bob all of the practices and self-observation exercises in printed form so that he did not have to remember them. I also provided him with a loose-leaf binder with tabs for the purpose of the program, his journal, current self-observation, current practice, and notes.

14 How can you present this program to your client? What questions is your client likely to have? What concerns? What objections? How can you address these?

Sometimes I wonder if the food tastes better in a restaurant that has beautiful furniture, or if we really do trust a salesperson who is well dressed. In any case, take as much care in the presentation of your program as you did in designing it. That way you’ll ensure an open acceptance by your client.

From my understanding of Bob, I guessed that the most important aspect of enrolling him in doing all of this work was establishing my credibility. It was important for him to know that I had coached other people successfully in accomplishing what he was setting out to do. I did this by telling him stories of other coaching programs and reminding him of these stories from time to time.

In developing yourself as a coach, I recommend that you begin with Type One conversations, then move to Type Two and Type Three as you grow more competent. Don’t try brain surgery before you know how to administer first aid.

ASSESSMENT EXERCISE

Use these questions to prepare for Conversation Number One. Base your assessment upon actual observations.

1. What opening did you observe for coaching? � breakdown (specify) � enhancing a competence (specify) � new possibility for client (specify) � threat to social identity (specify)

145Coaching Conversations

2. What new competence or quality must your client have to address the situation described in #1 above?

3. What is your potential client’s current competence in doing this? Write down at least three examples of behavior that verify your assessment.

Using at least one model, determine the structure of interpretation of your potential client.

� Five Elements Model � Immediate concerns � Commitments � Possibilities � Mood � Current history

� Domains of Competence Model � Facts and events � Relationships with others � Self-management

� Components of Satisfaction/Effectiveness Model � Intellect � Emotion � Will � Context � Soul

SELF-OBSERVATION EXERCISE

Use these questions to design an observation exercise to present to your client at Conversation One. A sample exercise follows the questions.

1. What is to be observed? 2. What is the duration of the exercise? 3. What is the frequency of observation? 4. What are the exact instructions for this exercise?

Sample Self-Observation Exercise

Beginning Date: (Today)

End Date: (Ten days from today)

1. Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself into two

persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life. 2. Begin to observe how you react in life. Observe what happens (life) and then

what you do, say, feel, think, your reactions, etc. Observe quietly, passively.

Keep noticing your judgments about yourself, about others, about life. Observe

your internal states as well as what you show the world.

Continued

146 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Sample Self-Observation Exercisedcont’d

3. At the end of each day, scan through your day again and note what happened

and how you reacted. 4. Do this exercise for ten days.

PRACTICE EXERCISE

Use these questions to design a practice to present to your client for Conver- sation Two. A new practice exercise is a combination of action and reflection which captures learning and connects it back to action so that competence improves. An example of a practice is on the following page.

1. What repeated behavior can your client do that will improve his competence? 2. How will your client know if the action(s) is successful? What are the

standards? 3. What specifically will you ask your client to reflect upon while doing this

practice? 4. What will be the duration and structure of the practice? 5. What are the exact instructions for this exercise?

Sample Practice Exercise for Business

Objective

To establish and maintain management practices that enable you to identify your

priorities and manage your time more effectively.

Directions

1. List all of the activities that you actually do at work. a. Divide them into categories A, B, and C, with A being the most important for

the success of the business and C being the least important. b. Within each category number the activities, with #1 being the most vital. c. Write next to each activity how much time you spend doing it each week or,

in some cases, each month. 2. Then ask yourself:

a. Can I allocate my time more effectively? How? b. What activities can I give to someone else? c. What is my job at the company, really?

3. List all of the activities you wish you were doing at work, but that you never get

around to doing. Be exhaustive in your listing. a. Divide the activities into categories and prioritize them as above. b. Write next to each activity how much time each week/month it would take

you to complete.

147Coaching Conversations

Sample Practice Exercise for Businessdcont’d

4. Then ask yourself: a. What would be the benefit of doing this activity? b. What recurring breakdowns could I avoid by doing this activity? c. What is my job at this company really?

5. Have your staff do steps #1 through #4. Then, having shared what you wrote

and having read their responses, ask them for ways to reorganize and/or rede-

sign your department’s work systems, accountability procedures, management

systems, reward systems, and training and development of staff. 6. What did you learn by doing this?

SUGGESTED READING

The listed books offer many different approaches to coaching. None is appli- cable to all clients. Each is useful for particular clients. By becoming familiar with many of them, a coach will be able to work successfully with a wide array of people. If you’re interested in reading only a few, I recommend the following in the order listed:

1. Educating the Reflective Practitioner, Donald Schön 2. The Path of Least Resistance, Robert Fritz 3. Shambhala, Chögyam Trungpa

Adams, & James, L (1986). The Care and Feeding of Ideas. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley

Publishing Company.

A primer in fostering and supporting creativity and innovation.

Anderson, & Nancy. (1984). Work with Passion. New York: Carroll & Graf Publishers, Inc.

A practical guide, replete with exercises and examples, that directs the reader in finding

a career of passion and purpose.

Argyris, & Chris. (1990). Overcoming Organizational Defenses. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.

The author is a founder of the organizational development discipline. He explains how it’s

possible for very intelligent people to come together in a group and have their intelligence cut

in half. Additionally, he presents many examples of how organizations populated by well-

meaning people ‘‘protect’’ themselves from change. From his own experience, he recommends

ways to overcome the defenses.

Beckett, Liana, & Stephanie Covington (1988). Leaving the Enchanted Forest. San Francisco:

Harper & Row.

A text intended to break the spell that romantic love has cast over many people in our culture.

Contains useful exercises. (See also Solomon: About Love.)

Bradshaw, & John. (1988). Bradshaw On: The Family. Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield.

Proposes that many emotional/psychological problems have their sources in the dynamics of

family relationships. The patterns of response and reaction learned in the family will likely

appear at some point in an extended coaching program. The book’s distinctions can help you

recognize these patterns for what they are.

148 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Burns, & David, D. (1980). Feeling Good. New York: Signet Classics.

An introduction to cognitive therapy, which is based upon the premise that thought initiates

feelings and moods. Can be helpful in designing self-observation exercises, and as a frame-

work for dealing with troubling experiences.

Dail, & Lee, Hilda (1983). The Lotus and the Pool. Boston: Shambhala Publications.

Presents a process for finding a suitable career (based upon long experience). The approach is

based upon profound human values. The book has useful exercises and practical advice.

DePree, & Max. (1989). Leadership Is an Art. New York: Doubleday.

Reading this book is like sitting under a palm tree in a beautiful oasis while a cool breeze

caresses your face. Deeply human. Credible because of the undeniable success of the author.

Inspiring.

Fournies, & Ferdinand, F. (1978). Coaching for Improved Work Performance. Blue Ridge Summit,

PA: Tap Books, Inc.

Not a book on coaching as presented in this text. Rather, it’s a tract on how to use the tenets of

behaviorism to manipulate the behavior of others. Why would professional people tolerate

being treated the way the author recommends?

Fritz, & Robert. (1984). The Path of Least Resistance. New York: Ballantine Books.

Proposes a methodology for creating goals and a structure that supports their fulfillment.

Especially useful in preventing the excuses, justifications, and self-defeating behavior people

engage in around goals. Valuable background for any coach.

Goldstein, Joseph, & Kornfield, Jack (1987). Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Boston: Shambhala

Publications.

How to work skillfully with our human condition. Full of exercises and recommended practices

that can be taken on for life. Well written, friendly, and nondogmatic.

Kinlaw, & Dennis, C. (1989). Coaching for Commitment. San Diego, CA: University Associates,

Inc.

A collection of some of the best techniques of reflective listening, open-ended questioning,

supportive speaking, and so on. Based upon the varied and extensive experience of the author.

The presentation is clear and well organized.

Kornfield, & Jack. (1993). A Path with Heart. New York: Bantam Books.

Written by a meditation teacher who is also a clinical psychologist, the text is a compas-

sionate sharing of what he’s learned of the spiritual path through personal experience and

working with thousands of students. Thorough, understandable, and unflinching in dealing

with pitfalls on the path, from students using it to deny/avoid psychological pain to teachers

who exploit students. Each chapter has suggested exercises and practices. A valuable

resource.

MacIntyre, & Alasdair. (1981). After Virtue. London: Gerald Duckworth & Co.. reprint, Notre

Dame, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 1981.

An examination of morality in an historic, philosophical context. Very useful for coaches in

showing the fundamental importance of practices in determining who we are.

Schön, & Donald, A. (1987). Educating the Reflective Practitioner. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, Inc.

This book (and The Reflective Practitioner, which follows) reveals the way professionals

actually work, not by applying formulae, but by learning and correcting as they go. By

studying diverse disciplines, the author shows how one can reflect-in-action and how a coach

can contribute. Useful, readable, and realistic.

The Reflective Practitioner1983. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

Solomon, & Robert, C. (1988). About Love. New York: Simon & Schuster.

A book that presents a new way to understand and create romance beyond the self-defeating

narratives perpetuated by songs, novels, movies, and television. Written by a philosopher with

wit, insight, and gentleness. (See Beckett: Leaving the Enchanted Forest.)

149Coaching Conversations

Starcevich, Matt, M., & Stowell, Steven J. (1987). The Coach. Salt Lake City, UT: The Center for

Management and Organization Effectiveness.

A form of coaching based upon research of successful managers. Straightforward. Applicable

to boss/subordinate scenarios at work.

Trungpa, & Chögyam. (1984). Shambhala. Boston: Shambhala Publications.

Makes available the ancient, powerful approach to personal transformation in the Tibetan

tradition. Full of wisdom and practical solutions to difficult problems. Shows how to develop

compassion, generosity, and acceptance and still lead a day-to-day, in-the-world life.

Woodman, & Marion. (1982). Addiction to Perfection. Toronto: Inner City Books.

A challenging, dense essay written from a Jungian perspective that unravels the inner forces

that drive many women to desperate attempts to be perfect in body and behavior.

10

Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

Copyright � 2010 James Flaherty. Published by Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Stuck

Stuck: By calling the chapter this, I want to address two topics. The first is when the

focus of the coaching is the client being stuck in his or her job or life, and the

second is what to do when our coaching (which to us seems, of course, brilliant) is

somehow leaving the client stuck.

CLIENT BEING STUCK

Probably the majority of our clients come to us because they feel stuck in their life. Of course, the word ‘‘stuck’’ describes a wide variety of phenomena. Clients can mean that they are bored, not learning anything, and don’t see a future for themselves. They could also mean that they are attempting to accomplish something and can’t get it to happen. Alternately, they might mean they are seeing the same cycles of behavior return again and again, at their work or in their relationships or in how they take care of themselves. It is even used to describe existential dread or angst, the experience when clients feel no grounding or support or meaning in their life.

Our initial questioning will quickly clarify for us what the client means. The central distinction with clients who report that they are stuck is the same, regardless of the content of the experience. My feeling is that they all share a common root. The root is feeling unheld by the world. By this I mean that they do not feel in their bodydand consequently in their emotions and thinkingdthat they have a place in the world.

In this state, they find themselves working frantically to resolve the anxiety and frustration that invariably accompany this experience. Their actions become unskillful, self-defeating, and sometimes destructive. Frequently they judge themselves negatively, disparage others, and cynically turn away from whatever support is offered. They are certain that their situation is unique and complex and that what they are going through has never happened to the same extent to anyone else. They simultaneously feel that they have to get out of the experience and that somehow there is no way to get out of it (because if there were a way, they would have figured it out by now). This cognitive/emotional

151

152 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

dilemma gives rise to the frustration I just mentioned, which is quickly fol- lowed by anxiety as they begin to worry that this may go on forever.

All this may sound terribly difficult and dramatic but that is because we make it into that. As I said, I am proposing that the root is feeling unheld by the world, so let me lay out what I see to be how this experience (for the most part) unfolds. (It is because the phenomenon unfolds in this way that it becomes complicated, and as coaches, we can get caught in this web if we don’t know to work on the root instead of its manifestations.)

Once we feel the searing pain of not being held, we immediately, reflexively look for who did this to us. We blame others, which leads to our then acting cynically toward them. Or we blame ourselves, which amplifies our inner voice of negative self-assessment. We do not know to explore the paindit seems too much and we want to move quickly away from itdand that is where the frantic actions begin.

As coaches, instead of trying to fix all of the difficulties that arise from the frantic activity, it is more helpful to invite the client to investigate what the experience of being unheld is like (which will alternately be described as lonely, misunderstood, out of place, unseen, unloved, and abandoned). I am not talking about a psychological state that is a product of trauma or abuse. Rather, I am pointing to a way of looking at life that seems totally true and valid. The key to undoing it is knowing that there is a lot of truth in the point of view but it is only looking at life from one angle.

There is no use in arguing with our clients into seeing the partiality of their view. They’ll have to discover that what they are seeing is not the whole story even though at the time it feels like it is. So it is true, in a way, like the exis- tentialists say, that we are alone. No one can feel what we are feeling, or go through what we have to go through, or live with the consequences of the choices we make. These points seem to me to be unarguably the case but it is also true that we are conjoined with others.

The food we eat, the water we drink, the clothes we wear, the homes we live in, and the roads we drive on link us inseparably to everyone who has ever lived. Our very body is a gift from the ancestors, as is the language that we speak, which gives rise to the thoughts we have. It is not possible to step out of the world and, in fact, every moment the world is holding us. We are given air to breath, gravity that holds us, trees that shade us, and the possibility of rela- tionship with the next person who walks by. We forget all of this in the moment of being tripped by pain, searching for whom to blame for it, how to escape it.

With all that as background, here is what we can do as coaches.

� First, keep in mind all that I said. � Second, design practices that support the client to build exquisite self-care

for himself. Explore together different domains of concern he has and how his needs in each of these can be realistically met. The phenomena of being

153Stuck

stuck is frequently started by a person who is neglecting sleep, food, companionship, self-expression, exercise, encounters with beauty; and then wonders why he feels dried up and abandoned.

� Third, design a series of exercises that help the client to scale his expecta- tions. People in our culture watch too many movies and look at too many magazines that have images of people whose lives are ‘‘perfect.’’ Along with the mighty support of marketing, we conclude our life ought to be, should be the same as we see on the screen or in the magazines. We even conclude that we deserve it to be.

We’ve been fooled: no one’s life is like that. Movie stars have to do two hours of makeup and have three hours of special lighting arranged so that they can look like that. The lives of people who have great wealth and power aren’t especially happy, in case you haven’t been noticing.

1 Our client’s expectations on this become realistic when he sees through this mirage to how life really is. A client who watches the Olympics and then says ‘‘I ought to be able to do that’’ will likely severely damage himself when he jumps off the 10-meter diving platform attempting a triple-twisting double somersault. That example is an obvious one, but people ruin their lives trying to have the wealth of Bill Gates or the body of Michael Jordan. You see how this goes when we have unrealistic expectations that aren’t fulfilled. We feel that the world has let us down and the whole syndrome that I’ve described above kicks in.

Once our client has taken care of his genuine needs and has set realistic expectations, life begins to flow effortlessly and he begins to harmonize with the people around him. Suddenly the world is there with all its stark beauty and intimate tenderness. Stuckness is gonedby dissolving its roots.

PROGRAM BEING STUCK

Sooner or later, one of our coaching programs will become stuck. Our client who seemed clear, engaged, and committed during the last session hasn’t done his practices and seems to have forgotten everything he has learned. We try everything we know and the same or similar keeps happening over and over. Since there is a time limit for our coaching, we begin to feel some pressure, which further clouds our creativity. At this point, it is easy for us to blame our client and many coaches, in fact, do just that. They categorize the client as ‘‘uncoachable’’ or ‘‘uncommitted’’ or ‘‘not in enough pain yet’’ and stop the coaching. My view is that this juncture is the ultimate moment for coaches to learn something, and maybe the biggest chance for our clients to have a developmental breakthrough.

It is always possible to end the coaching, but there is a lot to try out first. Here are some suggestions. (Careful readers will notice that the coach’s response to

1 See the work of Martin Seligman in Authentic Happiness for more on this.

154 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

program stuckness is an example of the events written about immediately above.) I am not going to attempt to list all of the possible reasons why a coaching program might be stuck. Instead, I am going to list a series of actions you can take to move the program forward and learn something about yourself.

1. Reexamine your initial interview of the client. What assumptions did you make and how did you come to these? How grounded was your assess- ment? What in the client’s actions are not accounted for in your assess- ment? Consider redoing the intake interview, including speaking to people who work with and live around your client. It is likely that you missed something or misunderstood it.

2. Examine whether the client is acting in ways consistent with your own ‘‘shadow.’’ Your shadow is a collection of unwanted qualities that you have pushed out of your own awareness. We usually find out about our own shadow by seeing it projected onto others. When clients act in ways consistent with our shadow, we have a very difficult time under- standing it and an impossible time intervening in it. You can know for sure if you find yourself having a strong emotional, personal response to your client’s actions. This usually indicates that someone is taking actions we are afraid that we ourselves might take and, therefore, our emotional guardians are screaming. Speak with someone who knows you well, who is a good observer and is candid. Ask your friend if the behavior you are seeing (remember to maintain confidentiality of your client) is something that could be your shadow. If it is, seek some support yourself in working with it before you address it with your client.

3. Investigate whether your client has the wherewithal in his life to go through with the coaching program. Does he have enough physical energy, emotional reserves, and relational support? If not, address these topics before continuing with the rest of the coaching program.

4. Change the venue where you are doing the coaching. Go for a walk outside. Sit at the beach. Stroll through nature. Shifting the environment often brings new topics to awareness. Moving the body also frees people from typical thought patterns.

5. Do the coaching work in the session itself. Instead of assigning a body scan, do it during the session. Instead of asking your client to go to the gym to do weightlifting, have your next session at the gym. Frequently, once the pump of practice has been primed during the session, it is easier for it to continue outside the session.

6. Form a partnership with the client and do a forensic review of all the work you’ve done together. Methodically go through each conversation, each meeting, each assignment looking for what was unsaid, unheard, misun- derstood, not addressed.

7. Has your coaching somehow brought to the surface abuse in the client’s background? It is difficult to describe on paper, but there is a unique sense

155Stuck

that is somehow emotional and somatic when such abuse is in the atmo- sphere. If you get any inkling of this, refer your client to a competent, trusted therapist who specializes in abuse. Your coaching may have to be postponed for a while or you may be able to form a partnership with the therapist and do both simultaneously. If you are not sure, find a delicate, spacious way to ask your client about it.

8. Study for a while through conversations and self-observations the emotions your client has connected with your coaching. Emotions are directly tied to action. Many clients habitually attempt to bypass or suppress their emotions, which makes it very difficult to take on new activ- ities. The coaching for a few weeks might consist of the client doing some very close, possibly hourly, audit of himself emotionally.

9. Your client may have conflicting commitments. For example, he may want the promotion but be simultaneously committed to working less hours. Kegan and Lahey’s book shows a brilliant exercise for revealing competing and conflicting commitments and a methodology for addressing them.

2

10. Shift the content of your coaching radically. For example, if content has been primarily cognitive, move it fully into the body realm. Or, if it’s been about emotions, for a while make it about learning new ideas. Open your creativity and expand your palate of practices. Invite your client to do art, visit museums, travel, listen to different music, anything that will require him to stand in a new identity at least while doing the practice.

That list is a beginning. I intend it to spur your own creativity. As I said previously, when clients are stuck, it is the supreme moment to learn some- thing. If you only have clients who move along readily, you will easily become complacent, maybe even arrogant. It is important for our development to have our best efforts defeated from time to time and remake ourselves. Isn’t that what we are asking our client to do?

The most important job we have as coaches is to keep ourselves in a fluid state, never landing on a solid understanding of ourselves, others, or life. In 500 bc, an ancient Greek philosopher, Thalus, said ‘‘Life is water.’’ Most moderns think he got his physics wrong. He was really saying that life is moving, life is flowing, life is a process. When we are fluid ourselves, we harmonize with life, and as soon as we settle on an idea we begin to harden and become less responsive. Getting stuck in our coaching work shows us where we have become hardened and is a red flare pointing to exactly where our work is. Will you take it up?

The longer you coach, the more you will develop your own large array of practices and exercises. Keep working to reveal your own blind spots and keep learning new methodologies to work with people. Even if you are at the moment fabulously successful at your coaching work, sooner or later, as I’ve said before, you’ll find yourself in a stuck place with a client. At that point, you

2 This exercise appears in the book How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work.

156 Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others

will be glad that you’ve done your own work and have kept educating yourself. The books at the end of this chapter take up this theme and encourage readers to expand their view of people and the world.

SUGGESTED READING

These books will show you many angles on how to work when you or your client is stuck.

Gerrish, Michael. When Working Out Isn’t Working Out. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 1999.

Unique book written by a psychotherapist and exercise physiologist that shows many methods

for overcoming obstacles to our development.

Kegan, Robert and Lisa Laskow Lahey. How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work. San

Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001.

Brings (among many other gems) to the world a phenomenally clear, complete, and powerful process

for uncovering and dissolving competing commitments. A skillful razor for cutting through stuckness.

Lasater, Judith. Relax and Renew. Berkeley, CA: Rodmell Press, 1995.

The author presents gently, peacefully to the world a yoga that brings profound rest, slowing

the nervous system and rejuvenation. Many photographs, clear instructions, beautifully laid

out. Classic handbook for the harried.

Loeb, Paul Rogat. The Impossible Will Take a Little While. New York: Basic Books, 2004.

Inspiration from contemporary, heroic people who speak directly to our heart and mind. Shows

the emotional, cognitive approach they took to seemingly immovable forces (segregation,

communism, and apartheid). Electrifying and enlightening.

Mellin, Laurel. The Pathway. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2003.

A book that could only be written by someone who has worked with the most ‘‘stuck’’ of people

(who overeat, overwork, overspend, etc.) for more than 20 years. Cuts to the root of self-

defeating, obsessive, stubborn behaviors with a proven methodology based upon solid

research and practical experience. Indispensable.

Schwartz, Barry. The Paradox of Choice. New York: HarperCollins, 2004.

Helps untie some of most perplexing mental knots by challenging some of our most cherished

beliefsdthat more choice is better, that we know what will make us happy, etc. Brilliant tool

for illuminating the benefits of simplicity in thought and action.

Wilson, Timothy D. Strangers to Ourselves. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2002.

The book clearly, convincingly shows us how much of ourselves we do not know (and perhaps

cannot know). The culmination of more than 30 years of study, research, and experimentation,

yet jargon-free and readily accessible. A book you’ll never get over and one you’ll want

everyone to read.