Assingment
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CMNS333Week4.ppt
Conflict and Communication
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Week 3 –
How People Behave in Conflict
- Review of where we’ve been
- Today’s class
Hurt Feelings Research
3 Key theories
Attribution Theory
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Reappraisal
How does this research help us understand and conflict?
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Today’s Class Objectives
- Why are hurt feelings a big deal?
- How do we understand with hurt feelings?
Conflict often involves comments that hurt our feelings. What is the nature of hurt from comments?
- How doe we deal with hurt feelings?
Reflecting and cognitive reappraisal – recognizing our stories and making them “true”
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Think of a time your feelings were hurt…
- What was it about that hurtful comment that made you feel hurt?
Eg.
“You were never very good at pool.”
“Oh, you look way older/ younger than you are”
“Could you please try to come to work with a better attitude.”
Start by getting the notion that hurt feelings are no big deal out of the way (Flight of the Conchords video)
Long lasting; deeply personal; intractable?;
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Messages that Hurt
- Why we care? (Sticks and Stones?)
Big influence on, and indicator of, how we feel about ourselves and others
Long lasting, emotionally draining
Hurt feeling profoundly influence relationships
Identity conversation
Threat to our well-being and survival
Physiological response similar to physical threat
Evolutionary threat – rejection from group
Big impact on how/ if a conflict is resolved
Why do we care about hurt feelings “sticks and stones”
Study on Moodle (2005)
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
From “Messages That Hurt,” by Anita L. Vangelisti from The Dard Side of Interpersonal Communication edited by W.r. Cuach and B.H. Spitzberg, pp.53-82.
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Why Does It Hurt?
The Perceived Causes of Hurt Feelings
Anita Vangelisti et al. (1994)
- Attribution Theory – how we explain the cause of behaviour and events; How we try to relieve cognitive dissonance
- Cognitive Dissonance – info that doesn’t sync up with our version of reality; try to resolve
- Cognitive Reappraisal – the process of resolving the dissonance
- Being hurt is a social phenomenon involving impact, intention, implicit and explicit cmns, one time or ongoing
Why do we care about hurt feelings “sticks and stones”
Study on Moodle (2005)
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
From “Messages That Hurt,” by Anita L. Vangelisti from The Dard Side of Interpersonal Communication edited by W.r. Cuach and B.H. Spitzberg, pp.53-82.
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Messages that hurt
- Study over two years with two groups of undergraduates (N=179 & N=183)
- Instructions
Think of a situation in which someone said something that hurt your feelings
Write a script as you remember it (what was said before, the comment, and the reaction)
Think about the script and rate how hurtful it is (extremely hurtful to not at all hurtful)
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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Topics of hurtful msg.
- Romantic – He never loved you; he wanted to be with me
- Nonromantic – You try to hard; you seem fake
- Sexual Behaviour – Do you still sleep around?
- Physical Appearance – You are really putting on weight
- Abilities/ Intelligence – It’s too hard for you to understand
- Personality Traits – You are spoilt and selfish
- Self-worth – I don’t want you anymore
- Time – We don’t do things together anymore
- Ethnicity/ Religion – You stupid ___________
Which topics are the most hurtful? Which are the least hurtful?
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Categories of hurtful msg.
- Accusation – You are such a liar
- Evaluation – Going out with you was a big mistake
- Directive – Just leave me alone
- Advice – I think you should dress differently
- Expression of desire – I don’t want to be anything like you
- Information – Well, I’m not actually attracted to you
- Question – Why aren’t you over this yet?
- Threat – If you see him again, don’t bother coming home
- Joke – ethnicity
- Lie - - know to be untruth
Which categories of msg are the most hurtful? Which are the least hurtful
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Findings of Vangelisti Study
- Some comments hurt more than others. Why?
- Information statements are the most hurtful
Recipients of hurtful information comments can’t “repair” or offer alternatives to the content of the msg.
Other msg. the recipients can either overtly or covertly defend themselves against the hurt – offer alternative attributions to the accusation (accounts, excuses, justifications, alternatives)
Few alternatives to information/ facts
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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Findings of Vangelisti Study
- Romantic msgs were also extremely hurtful
Lots of them were informational in nature
About a relationship – two parties who can influence but not control the message – you know the other side is “out there” – hard to repair
- Personal/ Individual msg. least hurtful
Easier to refute – you have more information about yourself than the accuser
- No evidence that time healed all wounds
Sometimes made them more hurtful
Why?
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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Findings of Vangelisti Study
- Dilemma created by the hurtful comment
What happens as a result of the hurtful comment?
Seeking to repair can threaten the relationship and the “face” of the accuser – might be incompatible
To escape dilemma, hurt party may choose to withdrawal, cry, verbally acquiesce
- Cognitive work as the “hurt” party - Explaining the intent of the accuser
“they didn’t mean to be hurtful” very common rationalization
Why?
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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Categories of hurtful msg.
- Accusation – You are such a liar
- Evaluation – Going out with you was a big mistake
- Directive – Just leave me alone
- Advice – I think you should dress differently
- Expression of desire – I don’t want to be anything like you
- Information – Well, I’m not actually attracted to you
- Question – Why aren’t you over this yet?
- Threat – If you see him again, don’t bother coming home
- Joke – ethnicity
- Lie - - know to be untruth
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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What makes a comment hurtful?
- Attributions
not the nature of the comment itself, but how we “appraise” and “reappraise” it for ourselves
- Appraisal
Our evaluation of the event or comment
Highly dependent on how we see ourselves
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What makes a comment hurtful?
- Primary appraisal
How does this affect me?
- Secondary appraisal
What do I need to cope with this “assault” (Can I reduce or avoid harm?)
- Reappraisal
What does this comment really mean to me?
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What makes a comment hurtful?
Involves Relational Devaluation
Suggests the relationship is different than what one thought it was
Isn’t as close, intimate, honest
Rejection/ betrayal
Undermines the self concept
Makes me doubt my self worth
Low self-esteem – more hurt
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What does this type of research offer conflict management?
- Awareness of what’s going can impact reappraisal and nature of hurt (system one to system two)
- Patterns in behaviours and outcome that may predict conflict or help resolve it;
- Levels of awareness and skills in managing conflict;
- How kids deal with conflict; who needs what kind of help? At what ages and stages? How can we help?
Move it from the fuzzy area of emotion (avoidance) to clearer, more intellectual interpretation
Know where you are vulnerable – work on those areas – recognize them when they are tweaked
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Questions this type of research offer conflict management? (cont’d)
- Do patterns and impacts of exposure to conflict suggest we support people in greatest need of conflict skills? (nasty fighters; nasty siblings)
- Does understanding our family patterns and practices help facilitate conflict management? (Bowen Family Systems)
- What are the health impacts of conflict and the stress it creates? What are the implications for treating health issues for the medical profession?
- What does this suggest our funding priorities should be for medical/ social services?
Flight of the Conchords “Hurt Feelngs” Video here
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Judge thy neighbor
- Use Byron Katie’s worksheet to explore how cognitive reassessment might work in a conflict you have encountered
Today
- Conflict interview debrief
- Summary of hurt feelings
Name your hurt
- Cognitive reassessment
-how did you do with your turn-around?
- Hot Buttons
What are yours?
Coming up next…
- 3-2-1 Reading
- Select one the readings from Week 4 and come prepared to discuss…
Honeymoon
Health Implications of conflict
Response to Interpersonal conflict young adults
Conflict Interview
- Stuff you might have included:
How effective was their coping/ reaction?
How might the conflict been more constructive?
Did you get caught up in their story without knowing the other stories involved?
How did you react? Did you impose attributions based on your own experience?
When is a “what happened” conversation necessary?
Did they have the feeling and identity conversations?
Use powerpoints and course material!!
Difficult Conversations
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Conflict Interview
- Stuff you might have included (con’t):
What is role of complaining? Useful??
Did they avoid emotions in a noble or less than noble way
How did that work for them? Sustainable?
How often did people just let it go?
How effective was this, in your opinion?
What other CMNS theories might have come into play?
Accommodation theory?
What does good and bad communication look like in the conflicts described?
Use powerpoints and course material!!
Difficult Conversations
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What is an intractable conflict?
Eludes resolution, eve when the best available techniques are applied
Reproductive rights
LGBTQ
Aboriginal Rights
Race Relations
Israeli – Palestinian conflict
Not hopeless, but different than most tractable conflicts
Most labor-management conflicts
Most family conflicts
Most workplace conflicts
Requires a different, multi-faceted, prolonged approach to find resolutions
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Conflict Interview Solutions
- Share one of the conflicts that was described in your conflict interview.
- Explore with the others in your group what possible solutions to the conflict might look like.
- Be ready to share one with the class.
Hurt feelings revisited…
- Cognitive Appraisals
Feelings result from our evaluation of an event or circumstance
Secondary appraisals are designed to prevent harm or improve our circumstances
Impacted by our self esteem and relational context
- Attribution Theory
- attempts to understand the behavior of others by attributing feelings, beliefs, and intentions to them.
The better we can take control of the “truth” the less hurtful it is.
The less we can take control of the “truth” the more hurtful it is.
Underlying dimension of individual’s explanation for their hurt feelings
- Relational denigration
It made me feel our relationship wasn’t importatn to the other person
It made me feel like I wasn’t important
- Humilation
- Verbal/ nonverbal aggression
- Intrinsic flaw
- Shock
- Ill conceived humour
- Mistaken intent
- Discouragement
Attribution Theory - attempts to understand the behavior of others by attributing feelings, beliefs, and intentions to them.
The better we can take control of the “truth” the less hurtful it is.
The less we can take control of the “truth” the more hurtful it is.
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Categories of hurtful msg.
- Accusation – You are such a liar
- Evaluation – Going out with you was a big mistake
- Directive – Just leave me alone
- Advice – I think you should dress differently
- Expression of desire – I don’t want to be anything like you
- Information – Well, I’m not actually attracted to you
- Question – Why aren’t you over this yet?
- Threat – If you see him again, don’t bother coming home
- Joke – ethnicity
- Lie - - know to be untruth
Communication Studies – University of Texas – Studies Family Communication and Attributions
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Hurt feelings revisited…
- Consider the hurt feelings you identified to your self at the beginning of our last class.
- What type of attribution did you assign to it? Based on this, how hurtful was it?
Dealing with the hurt, anger, frustration, etc.
- Byron Kelly’s Approach to Cognitive Reappraisal
Judge your Neighbour worksheet
Four Questions and Turn-around
Find a “truth” that works
1.) attending to the emotional situation, which will elicit an automatic judgment of the situation (called an appraisal), and then 2.) a cognitive re-evaluation or re-judging of the situation in a more neutral or positive direction (called a re-appraisal). What happens when you take a split second to cast a better light on an otherwise dark situation is that you can actually upend your emotional experience entirely.
From “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” by Byron Katie (2002) Harmony Books
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A few basic principles
Notice when your thoughts argue with reality
People should be kinder
This lineup should be moving faste
She should be on time
They should be paying more attention to me
1.) attending to the emotional situation, which will elicit an automatic judgment of the situation (called an appraisal), and then 2.) a cognitive re-evaluation or re-judging of the situation in a more neutral or positive direction (called a re-appraisal). What happens when you take a split second to cast a better light on an otherwise dark situation is that you can actually upend your emotional experience entirely.
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A few basic principles
Stay in your own business
Three types of business: Yours, Mine and the Creator’s
Much of our stress comes from worrying about problems that aren’t ours to control, like what other people should be doing
We can not control others, nor can we know what’s best for them. We can only control ourselves and our reactions.
1.) attending to the emotional situation, which will elicit an automatic judgment of the situation (called an appraisal), and then 2.) a cognitive re-evaluation or re-judging of the situation in a more neutral or positive direction (called a re-appraisal). What happens when you take a split second to cast a better light on an otherwise dark situation is that you can actually upend your emotional experience entirely.
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A few basic principles
Meet your thoughts with understanding
Thoughts aren’t real until we attach ourselves to them and give them power
They appear out of nowhere – recognize them and the as a thought and let them go.
Don’t let them snowball into a “story” that has no basis in reality
1.) attending to the emotional situation, which will elicit an automatic judgment of the situation (called an appraisal), and then 2.) a cognitive re-evaluation or re-judging of the situation in a more neutral or positive direction (called a re-appraisal). What happens when you take a split second to cast a better light on an otherwise dark situation is that you can actually upend your emotional experience entirely.
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A few basic principles
Be aware of your “stories”
What we use to make sense of the world, interact with others and relieve our cognitive dissonance
Search for one that is more true…
1.) attending to the emotional situation, which will elicit an automatic judgment of the situation (called an appraisal), and then 2.) a cognitive re-evaluation or re-judging of the situation in a more neutral or positive direction (called a re-appraisal). What happens when you take a split second to cast a better light on an otherwise dark situation is that you can actually upend your emotional experience entirely.
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Turn arounds…How did you do?
- How was the process of “judging your neighbour?”
- Was it useful in understanding how you understand your primary appraisal of the conflict ?
- Did you identify a turn-around statement that felt more “true” to you?
Hot Buttons – things that bug us
- Abrasive: Arrogant, sarcastic and demeaning
- Aloof: Isolating, not seeking input, hard to approach
- Hostile: Angry, yelling, losing temper
- Micro-managing: Constantly monitoring and checking on others
- Overly Analytical: Focus on minor issues, perfectionistic
- Self-centred: car only about self, believe thy are always correct
- Unappreciative: Fail to give credit, seldom praise good performance
- Unreliable: Miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
- Untrustworthy: Exploit others, take undeserved credit
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Coping with your Hot Buttons…cont’d
- Core Concerns Approach
Fisher and Shapiro (2005) Harvard University Negotiation Project
Appreciation – acknowledging the value of thoughts, feelings and action of yourself and others
Affiliation – building connections with others; what you have in common
Autonomy – respecting the rights of others (and yourself) to make their own decisions
Status – recognizing strengths and talents
Role – how you contribute in a meaninful way
Standup, focus your thoughts on your tanden. Direct your weight toward that spot. Breath in and out from this center;
Center yourself and have someone gentle push on your
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Hot Buttons – What are yours?
- Identify one of your hot buttons (based on real situation) with a partner and describe why it makes you so upset
- Take turns describing your “button pusher”. How do interpret the intentions behind the BP’s actions? How do they make you feel?
- Take turns speculating on other possible reasons for the BP’s actions (e.g. insecurity vs. aggressiveness). Then ask each other how your emotions might change with the alternative explanations.
- To what extent does understanding lead to resolution? What more is needed?
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Coping with your Hot Buttons
- Understand the role of fear in our responses in conflict situations
Missing opportunities, losing face, losing credibility
Something we all share; something we are able to empathize with
- Centering
Martial Arts and meditative technique of focused awareness on the breath, the body, and the environment
Focus on your physical center of gravity two inches below the navel (tanden demo)
When you feel emotions and tensions take hold, respond by focusing on your center. Breath into it. Feel it give you balance, stability, and power
Lets you cool down, slow down, shifts thinking to prefrontal cortex from amygdala
Standup, focus your thoughts on your tanden. Direct your weight toward that spot. Breath in and out from this center;
Center yourself and have someone gentle push on your
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Coping with your Hot Buttons…cont’d
- Mindfulness
aka awareness, presence, observing, disengagement or going to the balcony.
Adapted by Jon Kabat Zin for cardiac patients dealing with pain, anxiety, and depression – Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction
Studies demonstrate physical change to the brain after simple exercises and practice.
Standup, focus your thoughts on your tanden. Direct your weight toward that spot. Breath in and out from this center;
Center yourself and have someone gentle push on your
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Conflict Resilience
- Bouncing back form a conflict vs. rumination
Post conflict resilience
See quiz
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Difficult Conversation Ch.3
Think of a conflict you’ve been involved in, and identify the intentions and impacts that influenced how the conflict unfolded.
- How did your assumptions contribute to the conflict?
- Using the material on how to avoid the two mistakes, suggest how you might avoid these problems in the future.
Behavioural Approaches
- Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model (1977)
- Five behavioural types
Competing
Collaborating
Compromising
Avoiding
Accommodating
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Demonstrating your Conflict Styles
- Proximate Self
Experience things directly and without reflection
We are the emotion
System 1
- Distal Self
The overall self is conscious of what is happening and views it as a 3rd party
Conscious of experience, reflect and act; metacognitions
System 2
Recognize your conflict style – use it in a “distal” way
- Competitive – aggressivness can be constructive in an international forum. Place for it
- -with family? With friends?
- Avoiding – face it when it’s not constructive
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