COLLEGE COMPOSITION

UNIT 9 DISCUSSION BOARD SAMPLE POSTS

INITIAL POST

Hi, class, I had a little trouble coming up with a problem, but after brainstorming, it was easy to

choose one. I may have to deal with how staff shortages cause problems when I get into nursing,

so it is important. I am happy with the article that I found, and my introduction works well. I

think that I still need to add more to my second paragraph and come up with a conclusion. Here

is my draft:

TO: Bessemer Hospital Staff

As you are aware, patient safety is vital when it comes to quality healthcare service. Patient

errors at Bessemer Hospital have been on the rise, and this has led to a worsening of serious

conditions, disability and even patient mortality., The credibility of our infirmary has declined,

creating the potential of great financial losses. We can, however, address this problem by hiring

temporary on-call nurses during peak patient hours.

According to a publication by the Institute of Medicine (2004), 98,000 hospitalized American

citizens die annually due to errors made by nurses. This serious problem is usually the result of

either failure to follow management practices necessary for safety, or an unsafe work and

workspace design.

I know you can find a solution to this problem and hopefully soon.

Here is my question: What can I add to the second paragraph to make it more effective?

Thanks!

Darianne

RESPONSE TO INITIAL POST

Hi, Darianne, this is a great topic. I agree that you have a strong introduction because you

identify the problem and solution. The reading this week explains that professional writing

should be audience centered, and you are clear about audience from the start. For your second

paragraph, I think you need to explain the problem more. I keep remembering PIE ever since we

learned that. Maybe you know or can find an example of a specific situation that happened when

a hospital was understaffed? My cousin is a nurse, and he always complains that he does not

have enough time to take care of his patients the way he should. He mentioned patients falling,

and in one case the patient ended up with a broken arm! I also think that rather than telling your

audience to find a solution, that you want to offer your own recommendation. What do you think

this hospital should do to deal with this problem? Remember to be the problem solver yourself!

Also, don’t forget to set up the memo format. I used the sample assignment to help me with

mine. I hope that helps! Good luck.

Kate

Commented [JV1]: Notice that while Darianne’s draft still needs work and Darianne also admits to some struggles with the assignment, the student still posts a draft that focuses on a problem in an organization. It’s important to post your draft as soon as possible, even if you know it needs work.

Commented [JV2]: Kate’s suggestions are specific, helpful, and constructive. She does not identify weaknesses; instead, she focuses on what Darianne can specifically do to improve the draft.