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Christopher McKinney

Shaping a Child's Will

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Dobson describes ways to shape a child’s will that is reliant on a balanced approach between a firm foundation in authority and fluid independence and free-will (Dobson, 2004, p.51-59). The first of these is teaching respect for authority at an early age (p. 51) which is designed to provide the child with proper social guidelines and teach some humility that will last through the more rebellious stages of development that occur later. The second is defining boundaries before enforcing them (p. 56) which allows the child some freewill in their choices as they are fully aware of actions and consequences. This teaches some fairness and allows for freewill with boundaries. The third is distinguishing between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility (p. 57) which falls to the parent to understand and act appropriately at the child’s behaviors and not overreact or underreact. The fourth is reassuring and teaching following confrontation (p. 58) to make all negative behaviors a learning experience that the child and parent can use to grow and deepen their relationship. The fifth is avoiding impossible demands (p. 59) which provide a reasonable set of expectations for the child and prevent unneeded aggression, confrontation, or power struggles that can harm the relationship. The sixth is to let love be the guide (p. 58) of all parental actions and shaping the will of a child as love is the necessary foundation for all parent/child relationships and needs to be present and promoted to ensure healthy development.

I believe modern parents struggle with the fourth step most of all as turning consequences and negative behaviors into teaching moments can be quite difficult, especially when the punishment was not especially warranted. An example of this comes from my time as an after schoolteacher when a parent was dropping off their child for the program. During the car ride from school, the child had started to eat a snack which went against the parent’s rule of no food in the car. The parent preceded to take the snack, yell at the child, and then forbid the teachers from giving them a snack during the program. Rather than trying to speak with their child and find out the reason for the defiance, the parent simply escalated behavior and laid down strict punishments which were not especially warranted for such a mild disobedience. Upon speaking with the child, we discovered that they had not eaten lunch that day and were very hungry but could not explain that to their parent as they were yelling too much and would not listen.

If the parent had simply demonstrated proper communication and used the disobedience as a positive learning experience, their relationship could have potentially deepened rather than risking becoming fractured. All behaviors have the potential to become learning experiences if the parent has the ability to calm themselves, evaluate the situation, and communicate properly. Some of the modern barriers that parents face in shaping a child’s will include: modern media’s influence on parenting styles and knowing what is acceptable (this is both good and bad), increased defiance from children, stronger neglect from parents, increased time spent apart as a result of work, activities, or general life distractions at home, and modern society’s influence on child will development through conflicting information. Modern culture has an overwhelming number of barriers to proper will development in a child and most of these are the result of parents lacking confidence and the strong-willed nature themselves. It is difficult to teach someone else how to be strong, confident, and introspective when you lack these abilities yourself. To better aid in overcoming these barriers, parents need to understand themselves and their behaviors before attempting to develop these in another person.

References:

Dobson. J. (2004). The new strong-willed child: Birth through adolescence. Carol Stream, IL:

Tyndale House.

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