English essay questions
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Chapter9.pptxManaging Conflict In Relationships
Chapter
9
➔ Define interpersonal conflict
➔ Understand all six principles of conflict
➔ Discuss multiple ways to approach and respond to conflict
➔ Recognize certain behaviors that fuel unproductive conflict
➔ Apply chapter concepts to digital and online communication
➔ Be able to communicate effectively when engaging in conflict
Defining Interpersonal Conflict
➔ “Exists when there is expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have incompatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences”
➔ When one person feels the need to arguably persuade the other person to see things their way.
Expressed Tension
Interpersonal conflict is expressed
disagreement, struggle or discord.
Ways of expressing conflict:
➔ Shooting daggers with your eyes = “I’m angry with you”
➔ Walking away from a conversation or giving silent treatment = expressed hostility
➔ “Im furious with you!” = directly expressing disagreement
➔ Not responding to a text = indirectly expressing disagreement
Interdependence
➔ Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as interdependent (I-Thou) at the time of the conflict.
➔ This means that we don’t fight with people who don’t matter to us. Arguing over certain things can be a sign that people care about each other (to a certain extent)
Perceived Incompatible Goals
➔ Perceived incompatible goals means you’ve locked yourself into a conflict script and so it is less likely to find a mutually accepted outcome.
➔ Example: Bob likes barbecue but Sara likes salads. There is probably a restaurant that has both those things on the menu but if they already “know they don’t like the same restaurants” then they are less likely to find one they both like.
Bob
Sara
6
The Felt Need for Resolution
➔ Conflict is started by differences but if those differences don’t spark a need for resolving them then they are just differences.
➔ Example: Bob loves BBQ. Sara loves salads. They’re friends, but they like to play soccer together, not eat. So they never have lunch together and it stays at just being a difference, instead of a conflict.
Principles of Conflict
Principle #1
Conflict is natural in most Western Cultures
➔ It’s normal and inevitable in a relationship
➔ Engaging in conflict indicates people care enough about each other to want to resolve differences
➔ Even the strongest relationships have underlying disagreement
➔ Hidden conflict never gets dealt with
Principle #2
Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly
➔ Overt = out in the open and explicit
➔ Example: verbal arguement
➔ Covert = deliberately do something to hurt the other person but not in a straightforward manner
➔ Example: passive aggression- acting aggressive while denying feeling or acting aggressive
Principle #3
Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
➔ Social and cultural memberships shape how we respond to conflict
➔ Mediterranean cultures: conflict = lively, normal and valuable for everyday life
➔ France & Arabic countries: men debate for fun
➔ Hispanic: conflicts = opportunities for emotional expression
➔ Asian: conflict = destructive
➔ Americans: conflict = assertiveness and individuality
Principle #4
Conflict can be managed well or poorly
➔ How we manage conflict influences its resolution and its impact on interpersonal climates
➔ “You” language vs. owning your feelings
Principle #5
Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
➔ When constructive, conflict provides opportunities to grow and to strengthen the relationship
➔ Deepen insight and ideas
➔ A time to consider different point of view
➔ Better understanding of the person with which you’re arguing
➔ Lack of conflict reflects limited amount of emotional depth or unwillingness to work out differences
Orientations to Conflict
Lose-Lose
➔ The assumption that conflict will result in a loss for everyone
➔ Unhealthy and destructive for relationships
➔ People who adopt the lose-lose orientation typically try to avoid conflict as well
➔ Purposefully avoiding conflict now can actually lead to worse conflict down the line
➔ Example: Not wanting someone to get mad at you for something you did, so you refrain from telling them to avoid the conflict. Two months later, what you did affects them in a much worse way.
➔ Example: You broke your mom’s favorite serving dish. You don’t tell her because you know she will be upset and that she will get mad at you. Two months later, she throws a dinner party and when the guests arrive, she doesn’t have her dish and so she is furious with you
Win-Lose
➔ The assumption that one person wins at the expense of the other
➔ There can only be one “winner”
➔ “Yes” or “no” mentality -- no third option will become available
➔ Neither partner will make the effort to find a third solution that fits both of their needs
➔ Example: We will either go skiing while on vacation, or we will stay at home and do nothing, knowing that one person loves skiing and the other hates it
➔ Win-lose can be appropriate when there is a high desire to prevail, low commitment to the relationship, or little desire to take care of your partner
Win-Win
➔ The assumption that there is a solution to your differences where everyone involved wins
➔ Possible when both partners are equally committed to finding a mutually acceptable solution
➔ When a compromise is made so that both partners win, this signifies satisfaction, respect, and love of the relationship
➔ When a win-win view of conflict is invoked, often a solution neither partner previously thought of will be discovered
➔ Example: You want to go skiing while on vacation, but your partner wants to go to rock climbing. You both compromise slightly and agree to go horseback riding and camp at the lake instead
Responses to Conflict
The Exit Response
➔ Physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing from a situation
➔ Lose-lose or win-lose orientations
➔ Destructive and active
➔ Ignoring messages/phone calls
The Neglect Response
➔ Denies and/or minimizes the problem, disagreement, anger, tension, etc.
➔ Lose-lose or win-lose orientations
➔ Destructive and passive
➔ Used if an issue cannot be resolved without further harming the relationship, or if the person isn’t that committed to the relationship
➔ Example: Ignoring a problem hoping it will go away on its own
➔ Example: “You’re overreacting”
The Loyalty Response
➔ When you stay committed to a relationship despite differences with your partner
➔ Loyalty doesn’t actively address conflict
➔ Lose-lose orientation (avoids conflict)
➔ Constructive and passive
➔ Example: Your partner wants to quit their job and pursue their passion. You think it’s a terrible idea and you’d rather them have the safety net of a job, but you also want to support your partner no matter what, so you don’t voice your opinion
The Voice Response
➔ Confronting conflict directly in an attempt to resolve it
➔ Identifies the problems and makes it known that they need to be dealt with
➔ Generally the most constructive way to deal with conflict within a relationship
➔ Win-win orientation
➔ Constructive and active
➔ Example: Letting your partner know that you value their passions and their happiness, but you think it’s best if they keep their job until they are more financially stable
Exit
Voice
Loyalty
Neglect
Active
Passive
Constructive
Destructive
Communication Patterns During Conflict
➔ We have different patterns that we get use with during verbal or physical conflict, Productive and Unproductive Conflict patterns are the two patterns that can determine the outcome of conflict itself.
Unproductive Conflict Communication
Conflict is centered around a preoccupation for oneself, without any regard for the other person and their problems.
➔ Early Stages: Some examples of Early Stage Conflict Patterns for an unproductive communication, are not acknowledging or refusing to acknowledge the other person.
➔ Middle Stages: After the negative climate has been established and set, it is fueled and enhanced by other forms of negative communication.
Kitchen-Sinking is one example of Middle Stage Unproductive Conflict Communication, which is where more and more conflicts are created and tossed onto the already messed up situation. Interruptions, and trying to throw the other person off topic are some other methods of this.
➔ Late Stages: If the first two proposals failed to give the duo a solution, then it will get to the point in where the arguing duo will try and make propositions in an attempt to help themselves rather than the other person. It will get to the point of where since the duo has nothing to conclude on, then the relationship has nothing to grow off.
Constructive
Conflict Communication
If one uses constructive communication during conflict, it will be much easier for them to find relative ground to build off of. Constructive Conflicts are a way of getting through differences without harming the relationship.
➔ Early Stages: The early stages of constructive management can be finding the problems and building over them, trying to find out what each other is being bothered by, and building off of that.
➔ Middle Stages: The Middle stages are finding ways to get through other problems, while asserting other problems that form along the way. Bracketing is a technique of taking a conflict, and setting it aside to discuss later.
➔ Late Stages: Collaboration is key in constructive communication. It’s a way of taking your problems, and finding solutions together, rather than pitching a counterproposal. Think of when someone has a lot of work, and has not spent time with their partner, rather than trying to find things for them to do, they both discuss a thing to do, while considering each other’s work schedules.
Conflict Management Skills
➔ Attend to the relationship level of meaning: Tuning in to the other person’s feelings about the relationship.
➔ Communicate supportively: Be empathetic, supportive, and caring for the other, and do not show control, evaluation, and superiority.
➔ Listen mindfully: Discover the other person’s intent, goals, and mindset.
➔ Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and issues: Don’t flat out express your negative emotions, find a healthy way of expressing them to those around you, probably by reasoning with others.
Conflict Management Skills
➔ Check perceptions: Keep in mind of what the conflict is, and see how severe the other person is taking it. It is best not to overextend or underextend on your engagement.
➔ Looks for points of agreement: Find a common goal with the other person, and a shared belief can solve problems in the long run.
➔ Look for ways to preserve the other’s face: Don’t try and down the other’s self image.
➔ Imagine how you’ll feel in the future: Think about conflict, and how it will affect you in the long run.
Social Media and Conflict
➔ Conflict does not have to be face to face, and sometimes, we take our fits of rage online to Twitter, Facebook, etc.
➔ One Advantage that Social Media has is that we are able to step away from conflict. We can choose to delay the reply, or just get out of the conversation all-together, and nobody is gonna drag us by the hand back into the argument.
➔ Flaming is a word used to describe excessive insulting of someone online, think of those people that comment on a video, saying things like, “Wow, you are what’s wrong with Society.”
➔ Most of the time, the best way to avoid Social Media Conflict is to simply IGNORE IT
Guidelines for Effective
Communication During Conflict
➔ Focus on the Overall Communication System: Conflict is part of a larger whole, and we must make that whole healthy to create a context in which conflict can be resolved without jeopardizing partners or relationships.
➔ Time Conflict Purposefully: Time Conflicts carefully, and make sure it is at the right time when choosing to confront an issue.
➔ Aim for Win-Win Conflict: Look for Conflict in which both parties win, rather than trying to shoot for your own goal.
➔ Honor Yourself, Your Partner, and the Relationship: Relationships are affected by conflict, so conflict must take into consideration the feelings and relationships of others.
➔ Show Grace When Appropriate: Grace is granting forgiveness, however, it can’t be overused, otherwise people will expect grace of you.
Constructive
Validation of each other
Sensitive listening
Dual perspective
Expressed support of each other
Recognition of other’s concerns
Asking for clarification
Infrequent interruptions
Focus on specific issues
Compromises & contracts
Useful metacommunication
Summarizing the concerns
Positive effect
Disconfirmation of each other
Poor listening
Preoccupation with self
Not supporting each other
Cross-complaining
Frequent interruptions
Hostile mind reading
Kitchen-sinking
Counterproposals
Excessive metacommunication
Self-summarizing by both partners
Negative affect
Unproductive
The End.
