Reflection

The Importance of Communication in Close Relationships

9.1 Describe the importance of close relationships.

Friends play an important role in people's lives. Close relationships are a source of much happiness (and

some distress) and serve as a significant context within which a person s interactions take place

(Donaghue & Fallon, 2003). As illustrated in It Happened to Me: Olivia, friends can come to the rescue in

a crisis by providing both emotional and physical support. Relationships with friends, lovers, and family

members also offer a sense of belonging, help alleviate loneliness, and are central to psychological and

physical health.

Researchers have found that loneliness, or a lack of close relationships, is associated with psychological

disorders such as depression and anxiety Miller, 2002). People with even a few close relationships

experience greater well-being than those who are lonely (Gierveld & Tilburg, 1995). People with

satisfying relationships also experience better physical health. For example, an examination of 148

studies found that the quantity and quality of individuals' social relationships were linked both to their

mental health and to their longevity. The authors found that high-quality social relationships were

associated with a 50 percent increased likelihood of living longer (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).

Similarly, studies of marital relationships reveal that people in happy marriages are less likely to

experience high blood pressure and serious heart episodes (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2008). Thus, close

relationships can improve not only our satisfaction with life but also our health.

The importance of close relationships in people's lives is one reason the incidence of anxiety and

depression increased during the COVID-19 pandemic (Zarefsky, 2020). At one point, even former First

Lady Michelle Obama revealed that she was experiencing low-level depression (Zarefsky, 2020). Why is

being quarantined difficult for so many people? As you have learned throughout these chapters, Our

relationships are integral to who we are —so much so that our interactions with others shape our

identities. You may remember that in Chapter 2 we discussed that One of the ways we know who we are

is through how other people communicate with us. In addition, people we are close to provide love,

affection, and much-needed support. Of course, being socially isolated because potentially one could

become seriously ill is difficult, but being lonely because one lacks important communication skills is

even more difficult.The importance of close relationships in people's lives is one reason the incidence of

anxiety and depression increased during the COVID-19 pandemic (Zarefsky, 2020). At one point, even

former First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that she was experiencing low-level depression (Zarefsky,

2020). Why is being quarantined difficult for so many people? As you have learned throughout these

chapters, Our relationships are integral to who we are —so much so that our interactions with others

shape our identities. You may remember that in Chapter 2 we discussed that One of the ways we know

who we are is through how other people communicate with us. In addition, people we are close to

provide love, affection, and much-needed support. Of course, being socially isolated because potentially

one could become seriously ill is difficult, but being lonely because one lacks important communication

skills is even more difficult.

The relationships we develop with friends, family, and romantic partners are qualitatively different from

other types of interpersonal relationships, such as those relationships people have with their mail

carriers or Starbucks's barista (LaFollette, 1996). Close relationships are distinguished by their frequency,

intensity, and diversity of contact (Kelley et al., 1983) as well as by their level of intimacy, importance,

and satisfaction (Berg & Piner, 1990). These relationships also require considerable time to develop. For

example, communication professor Jeffrey Hall (2018) found that it takes around 30 hours of interaction

for individuals to become casual friends and about 20 more hours for them to transition to being friends.

Becoming good friends (more than 140 hours) and best friends (after 300 hours) takes even longer. Thus,

creating and sustaining close, satisfying relationships requires both skill and considerable investment of

time.

People in close relationships see each other as unique and irreplaceable. They are more open in their

communication with each other than with other people, and they tend to disclose more personal details

(Janz, 2000). In addition, the communication in these relationships is influenced more by individual

factors (as opposed to social factors) than is usually true of casual relationships. That is, people in close

relationships know each other better and share more experiences, so they are better able to adapt their

own communication and more effectively interpret their partner's communication. This can lead to

greater ease in communicating as well as increased understanding and intimacy. For these reasons,

people in close relationships expect their relationships to endure over time because they are committed

to them (Wright, 1999).

Casual relationships, in contrast, involve little disclosure or affection and are perceived as

interchangeable because they are usually role-based, as between a salesperson and a customer (Janz,

2000). For example, although you might like your mail carrier and would miss seeing her if she quit her

job, you probably would be perfectly content to receive your mail from someone new. But if your fiancé

or best friend terminated your relationship, it's unlikely you would be content with a substitute. Because

casual relationships are not based on the participants' knowledge of each other as individuals, the

communication that occurs within them tends to be influenced more by social norms for interacting and,

therefore, are less personal and more superficial.

Close Relationships and the Individual

9.2 Explain five communication theories of relationship development.

Because relationship development is an important aspect of life and because the process sometimes

goes awry —for example, approximately one third of first marriages end in divorce or separation within

10 years (Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2013) - scholars have devoted considerable effort toward creating

theories and models to explain it. No single theory can explain how all human relationships develop;

however, the following theories offer insight into how relationships develop and change over time as

people communicate with one another.

Communicating in Friendships and Romantic Relationships

9.3 Identify tactics for initiating, maintaining, and terminating friendships and romantic relationships.

In the following, Jeff describes how he sees the difference between friendship and romantic

relationships:

You're more likely to let your friends see you warts and all. There's no fear of rejection, for me anyway...

In a romantic relationship, you don't want them to see you at your worst.

You want them to think you're very well adjusted. And your friends know that's a total crock so there's

no use even pretending. (Reeder, 1996)

As Jeff's description illustrates, friendships can differ markedly from romances in how much we reveal,

especially in the early stages. But other differences exist as well. For example, we typically expect

exclusivity from our romantic partners but not from our friends. Also, people often have higher

expectations for their romantic partners, especially with regard to physical attractiveness, social status,

and a pleasing personality (Sprecher & Regan, 2002). And we may require greater expressions of

commitment and caring from romantic partners than from friends (Goodwin & Tang, 1991). In the

following sections, we explore in more detail the similarities and differences between friendships and

romances.

The Individual, Relationship Communication, and Society

9.4 Explain the role that society plays in the formation and maintenance of interpersonal relationships.

Most heterosexuals are unaware of the effect cultural norms have on their romance choices (O' Brien &

Foley, 1999) and on how they express affection and commitment in them. Until 50 years ago, partners of

different races could not legally have intimate relationships in the United States; until the year 2000,

Alabama still had a law against interracial marriages (Root, 2001; Sollors, 2000). Unsurprisingly, the vast

majority of marriages in the United States are still racially homogeneous. Moreover, they occur primarily

between people of similar religious backgrounds (Watson et al., 2004), economic status (Kalmijin, 1994),

age (Watson et al., 2004), education (Bennhold, 2012), weight (Schafer & Keith, 1990), and appearance

(Little et al., 2006). Such a high degree of similarity, or homogeneity, suggests that individual preference

is not the only factor influencing our choices.

Commonly held stereotypes also influence choices about whom one should or should not date and

marry. For example, some interracial pairings are more common than others. In 75 percent of Black-

White marriages, the husband is Black, and in 75 percent of White Asian couples, the husband is White

(Sailer, 2003). The frequency of these pairings reflects strong societal norms about who is attractive as a

partner (and who is not).

As discussed earlier (in Chapter , Communication norms vary across cultures, and the romance

context is no exception. For example, in some cultures (e.g., Japan, Indonesia, Kuwait), romantic couples

rarely express their feelings or affections in public (Chung, 2016). Other cultures, as in Indonesia, would

be shocked by kissing in public or other public displays of affection. If you were to do so, you could face

social backlash or even legal consequences, depending on what area of the country you are in ( Starmer-

Smith, 2004). Thus, every relationship is situated within a set of societal and cultural norms and

expectations, and what occurs within that relationship is likely to be affected by those norms.

Cultural norms and legal policies also impact the ways in which LGBTQIA+ individuals can communicate

with and about their romantic partners. They often can't express affection in public without fear of

negative, even violent, responses. For this reason, they may refer to their lovers as "friends" or

"roommates" or attempt to conceal their romantic partner's sex by never using pronouns such as him or

her. Having to alter one's verbal and nonverbal behavior to conform to society's norms may seem a small

matter if you are heterosexual. But imagine what life would be like if in many contexts you could never

acknowledge your partner or you had to pretend that you were "just friends." Not only would this be

exhausting, it would significantly inhibit your ability to be close to others. Unfortunately, this is the life

that many LGBTQIA+ live.

The practices of specific institutions (e.g., religions) impact our communication and relationships. For

example, many faiths have long prescribed whom their members should marry, how many spouses they

could have, and even if they should date. For example, the Mormon faith once permitted men to have

more than one wife (although it no longer does), Muslim men are instructed to marry Muslim women,

and Hindus often discourage young people from dating and selecting their own marital partners.

Although over time religions can and do alter their positions on these issues (e.g., the Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter Day Saints' position on polygamy), they may be slower to change than other social

institutions. For example, a recent Pew Research Center (2015) survey found that although some

Catholics are open to nontraditional families, 9 in 10 U.S. Catholics still believe that a household headed

by a married mother and father is ideal for child-rearing. In these ways, religious institutions and beliefs

influence how we view relationships as well as how we act within them and communicate about our

relationships.

Similarly, business organizations create policies and practices that affect the types of relationships and

communication practices their employees can have. Some examples include bans against "affectional

relationships," at work, fraternization —or relationships that cross the organizational hierarchy -in the

military, and limits on nepotism (hiring one's family members). They also express their views on same-

sex relationships and the institution of marriage by providing, or not providing, domestic-partner

benefits or even firing employees who marry same-sex partners. Organizations often create rules that

attempt to control and influence employees' communication through sexual harassment policies,

secrecy clauses, and dictates on what can be communicated to others outside the organization. Yet

another way organizations influence employee communication is by firing those whose communication

— on social media or in person — they do not wish to have associated with their company.

Ethics and Close Relationships

9.5 Explain how to ensure that interactions with close others are authentic.

Although communicating ethically is important in all contexts and relationships, it is nowhere more

important than in the context of close relationships. If we communicate unethically with our friends,

family, and romantic partners, the consequences may be severe. Certainly relationships have ended as a

result of deception, secrecy, and even the truth, too harshly expressed. All the ethical considerations we

have discussed throughout this text are important in close relationships, but here we will focus on

authentic communication.

Authentic communication is particularly important in close relationships for two reasons: We expect our

closest friends and family members to be authentic, or "real," with us, and authentic communication is

connected to intimacy. Why is authenticity in communication an ethical issue? Because inauthentic

communication attempts to manipulate the interaction or the other person for one's own goals, it can be

considered a type of deception, given that during inauthentic communication, one hides how one really

feels and misrepresents one's feelings and beliefs. In addition, inauthentic communication denies people

the information they need to make an informed choice about their relationships with others.

For most people, intimacy is based on the feeling that one knows and is known by another. When we

feel intimate with others, we believe that we are connecting with their "true" selves and that we are

able to be our truest selves in the relationship. However, when people are not autentic in their

communication with those close to them or deny them the right to communicate authentically, it can

decrease intimacy and even lead to termination of the relationship. And if we discover that an intimate

friend or partner was being inautentic and manipulative, we may feel not only deceived but betrayed.

For example, if you discover that your friend has been pretending to like your romantic partner while

making negative remarks about them on the sly, you might feel angry and betrayed. In addition, if you

want to continue the relationship, you now have to deal not only with your friend's feelings about your

romantic partner but also with your friend's deceit.

How can we ensure that our interactions with close others are authentic? We can do so by being open to

others' communication efforts, being open in our own communication, taking responsibility for what we

say, and respecting the rights of others to speak. In effect, we need to avoid the three "pitfalls" of

inautentic comunication: topic avoidance, meaning denial, and disqualification.

1. Topic avoidance. To maintain an authentic relationship with another, it is vital to confront issues that

are important to the relationship and to the other person. If one or both people in a relationship prohibit

the other from discussing issues that are important to either of them, it can be difficult for them to

maintain intimacy and commitment. For example, if a good friend wishes to discuss their sexual identity

and the person they are speaking to refuses to do so, they risk damaging the closeness and relationship

with the other person by shutting down communication on this topic.

2. Meaning denial. In addition, authentic communication involves taking responsibility for what we say

and mean. If one is angry and teases a friend harshly because of it, it is inauthentic to deny that one is

angry and trying to be hurtful. Even worse, if one puts the onus on the friend for being "too sensitive,"

they may be compounding the problem. This behavior is also an example of "gaslighting," which is a

tactic used to exert power or control over another person by encouraging them to question their reality

(Sarkis, 2017). Repeated interactions such as this can undermine trust and intimacy.

3. Disqualification. Finally, authentic communicators allow others to speak regardless of their positions

or experiences. If a single friend attempts to give relationship support and advice, they may feel

disqualified if their friend refuses to listen because they aren't married. We also engage in

disqualification when we deny a romantic partner the right to speak on a topic because we perceive

ourselves to be more expert on the topic. If a person finds themselves saying, "What could you know

about this?" then they may be disqualifying the other party and potentially engaging in inauthentic

communication.

Engaging in authentic communication can help people develop and maintain their relationships more

effectively. To help you begin the process, we conclude this chapter with suggestions for how you can

communicate more effectively by being open and direct with others.

Improving Your Close Relationship Communication Skills

9.6 Articulate how to recognize passive-aggressive communication.

Do you know what it means to communicate passive-aggressively? You may have heard someone call

another person "passive-aggressive," but can you identify the behavior in others— or yourself? We use

passive-aggressive communication when we indirectly communicate our negative feelings and reactions

instead of openly talking about them. For example, have you asked a friend for a favor that they agreed

to do, but then they repeatedly "forgot" to do it? Of course, sometimes we do just forget things, but if

you sense your friend is reluctant rather than has a poor memory, they may be communicating that they

regret agreeing but also aren't willing to talk about it openly.

Social worker Signe Whitson calls passive-aggressiveness "hostile cooperation" (Long et al., 2016). By

this, she means that people who are passive-aggressive appear to be cooperative in that they agree to

others' requests, but fundamentally, their behavior is hostile or uncooperative because they don't follow

through and/or nonverbally express negative feelings. These mixed signals can frustrate and upset others

because they can't solve the problem.

That is, they can't just let the issue go because they sense the other's anger, but they can't retract the

request because the offending party says it is not a problem. In addition, they can't get the angry party

to talk about it. What type of behavior does this sound like? If you guessed gaslighting, you are correct!

How do you know if you or someone else is being passive-aggressive? You or they might be if:

• You/they agree to do something reluctantly and feel resentment about it.

• You/they are unwilling to be truthful about negative feelings.

• You/they complain to third parties about being taken advantage of or cheated.

• You/they make repeated excuses regarding why the task agreed to hasn't been done.

• You/they use email, texts, and social media to avoid having to be open with another person.

You may have seen passive-aggressive behavior play out if you have lived in an apartment complex or

neighborhood where people disagree on appropriate behavior. This occurs when one person lodges a

complaint against another secretly or anonymously to the neighborhood association or apartment

supervisor but then acts friendly with the person they have complained about. People who call the

police on their acquaintances or neighbors because they are unhappy with something they have done

are engaging in passive-aggressiveness and potentially causing more severe harm than they ever

intended.

Why is being passive-aggressive bad for our relationships? It is for many reasons. First, feeling resentful

toward one's friends, family, and romantic partners increases our anger, decreases our patience, and

erodes our feelings for one another. Also, strong relationships are built on feelings of closeness and

acceptance. When one partner feels resentful, it inhibits their feelings of love and affection, and since

generally we can tell when our partners are angry or upset with us, we don't feel loved and accepted

when they exhibit it. Finally, it is very difficult to feel close to someone when we are unable to be

truthful with them or trust that they are truthful with us.

What should you do if you think you communicate passive-aggressively at times?

• First, determine when you are most likely to engage in passive-aggressive communication. Does it

occur with specific people in your life? Does it happen when you are asked to agree to something you

don't want to do? To change a behavior, you must be able to identify that you are engaging in it and

when.

• Accept that your behavior needs to change. It will not only improve your relationships; clearly stating

how you feel and what you want will make you happier.

• Don't agree to something until you have time to think it over. If your romantic partner asks if it is okay

if they go on a weekend getaway with friends on your birthday, don't say yes (or no) immediately. Take

time to explore how you feel now and how you are likely to feel in the future.

• If you don't want to agree, then you need to tell your partner honestly and calmly how you feel and

why you feel that way.

• If you agree to something and later regret having agreed or disagreed to it and are feeling upset or

angry, again you need to tell you partner how you are feeling. It is true that being open and honest can

lead to hurt feelings on occasion, but we can work through those moments. Agreeing with your partner

and then punishing them because you now feel resentful only creates a negative environment and can

lead to anger, conflict, and dissatisfaction.