PLAGIARISM FREE "A" WORK SUMMARY TECHNIQUES

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Chapter 6 Reflecting Skills: Reflecting Feelings

"The Importance of Understanding Emotions

Understanding another person’s emotions helps us better understand the whole person because

emotions give a window into motivation, current mental state, behavior, and worldview (Izard,

2009). It might even save your life. As an example, Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional

Intelligence (Goleman, 2006), describes an incident in Iraq where a group of soldiers who were

distributing relief supplies were surrounded by an angry mob of people who thought the

soldiers were there to arrest one of the villagers. Using emotional intelligence, the officer in

charge ordered the soldiers to kneel, point their guns at the ground, and smile, all of which

defused the situation without anyone being hurt. The officer, Lieutenant Colonel Christopher

Hughes, was able to transmit the message through nonverbal means that the soldiers were

nonthreatening and friendly.

Goleman’s story is in support of the thesis that there is a kind of intelligence quite different

from what IQ tests capture (Goleman, 2003). If the soldiers had attempted to explain their

mission to the villagers, it might have been a logical move but not emotionally smart.

Emotional intelligence has been described as the “ability to monitor one’s own and others’

feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s

thinking and actions” (Salovey & Mayer, 1990, p. 189).

There is little doubt that helpers must possess this emotional intelligence in the same way that

an engineer must have the intellectual ability to understand higher mathematics. Yet emotional

intelligence can be developed just as mathematical skills can be enhanced (Goleman, 2003).

The ability to recognize and express another person’s feelings can be learned, and it has power

to deepen the relationship and allow the client to release emotional burdens."

"The Skill of Reflecting Feelings

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Being able to recognize emotions in others and convey that you understand their feelings is a

special ability. This skill of reflecting feelings tells your client that you recognize the emotional

background of the story. The building block skill of reflecting feelings is essentially the same

technique as paraphrasing. This time, however, the focus is on emotions rather than on content

and thoughts. Reflecting feelings involves listening and then expressing in your own words the

emotions stated or implied by the client. These emotions may be hidden in the content of the

story or in the nonverbal responses of the client. The emoticon is an attempt to communicate

the emotions that can’t be expressed in a text message or e-mail.

Here is an example of how clients may not openly express a feeling, but it is implicit in the

message. The client says, “I just lost my job,” and looks down. The client’s feelings (shock,

hurt, embarrassment) are beneath the surface of the nonverbal messages and the simple

description of the event. Reflecting feelings shows the client that you understand the deeper

message.

Benefits of Reflecting Feelings

There are four therapeutic benefits of reflecting feelings. First, reflecting feelings makes the

client becomes more keenly aware of the emotions surrounding a topic. Many clients under

disclose, and any method or technique that allows them to more fully experience and express

their feelings is therapeutic (Peluso & Freund, 2018; Whelton, 2004; Young & Bemak, 1996).

Let us suppose that the helper makes a reflection such as, “I can tell that you are terribly angry

about that.” The client’s response may be one of surprise, “Yes, I guess I am.” Because a

reflection is done in a nonevaluative manner, it communicates understanding of feelings that

clients may not be conscious of or think they have no right to feel.

The second therapeutic benefit of reflecting feelings is that it brings the client to deeper and

deeper levels of self-disclosure. An accurate reflection focuses clients on emotions and teaches

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them to become aware of and report feelings. It stimulates the client to express other, perhaps

more deeply felt, emotions (Goldman, 2017). Even if the reflection is not quite accurate, the

client will provide a correction that is more on target. For example, when my daughter was 4

years old, some neighborhood kids slammed the door in her face, and she came home crying.

I said, “That must have really hurt your feelings.” She replied, “Yes, and I was embarrassed

and angry too!” I became aware that identifying one feeling evokes other emotions, and I also

learned that kids can learn to label emotions very early—especially a therapist’s kid.

Third, an accurate reflection of feelings has the almost magical power to deepen the

relationship between client and helper (Peluso & Freund, 2018). Nothing transmits

nonjudgmental understanding more completely. This is why reflecting feelings, which

originated in the client-centered tradition of Carl Rogers (1961), has gained such wide usage.

It taps the enormous healing properties of the therapeutic relationship. A beginning helper who

can accurately reflect feelings provides support and understanding without any other tools.

Finally, reflecting feelings brings genuine relief from emotional pressure (Hoffman, Vallejos,

& Cleare-Hoffman, 2015). Take, for example, the client whose wife had left him but would not

say why. He came for help, crying about the lost relationship. He ran the emotional gamut,

from confusion to shock to disgust to affection to rage. Experiencing all these conflicting

emotions in one session can make anyone feel “crazy.” Even though there were still conflicting

feelings, by the end of the first session, the client felt more in control simply because the

feelings were sorted and labeled. Untangling the emotional knots seems to be healing even if

no real action is taken. Somehow, we can accept our feelings as normal reactions when we

bring them to the surface and parcel them out. Reflecting feelings by saying, “You feel so

betrayed, and yet you still feel a bond of affection,” can help to normalize what the client

perceives as a deeply conflicting emotional experience.

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Why It Is Difficult to Reflect Feelings

Reflecting feelings is one of the most valuable tools of the helper, but it is not an easy one to

learn. Theodore Reik, the famous analyst, claimed that to hear deeply, one must learn to

become sensitive to the unexpressed and listen with the “third ear.” Referring to the fact that

the client may not even be aware of these feelings, Reik said, “The voice that speaks in (the

client) speaks low but (the helper) who listens with a third ear, hears also what is expressed

almost noiselessly, what is said pianissimo” (Reik, 1968, p. 165).

One reason that feelings may be hard to hear is that our upbringing, family background, and

culture affect the way we express them (Matsumoto, 2009; Tsai, Levenson, & McCoy, 2006).

For example, many individuals with Appalachian and English roots may express emotions in

very subtle ways. Some Native Americans, East Indians, and Europeans come from cultures

where open expression of feelings is rude or a sign of weakness. For instance, there was a

conference in Amsterdam on the “underexpression” of emotions as a mental health issue in

Europe. When a client’s family background or culture is constantly sending the message “Don’t

let anyone see your feelings,” helping is more difficult because the helper is going against

family and cultural mores. Getting to feelings may require more time and effort, and even then,

expression may seem faint by comparison. This can be frustrating when the client does not

seem to respond to your reflections. For some clients, though, even a small crack in the voice

may be quite a strong emotional sign and should be valued as a deep disclosure.

Culture Check Gender

A person’s gender training also has a bearing on emotional expression and the ability to detect

emotions in others (Lambrecht, Kreifelts, & Wildgruber, 2014). Traditional male upbringing

means “never let them see you sweat” and “big boys don’t cry” (Kottler, 1997; Wong,

Steinfeldt, LaFollette, & Tsao, 2010). Consequently, it may be difficult for some to openly

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display feelings in the helping relationship and in their other relationships, too. When feelings

leak out, traditional males may feel weak or out of control. Feminine socialization, on the other

hand, is associated with better ability to identify emotions, is more relationship-oriented, and

encourages telling another person how you feel (Kring & Gordon, 1998; Madrid & Kantor,

2009), even on Facebook and Twitter (Parkins, 2012). However, women are also trained to

repress certain emotions, such as anger or even confidence, that are not considered feminine.

Emotional health means recognizing one’s own feelings and appropriately expressing them.

When a helper sees a cultural handicap to emotional expression and helps the client recognize

what is being suppressed, the client may be able to overcome cultural conditioning and own

and accept those emotions.

How to Reflect Feelings

Step 1: Identifying the Feeling or Feelings

Like paraphrasing, reflecting feelings involves two steps. The first step is identifying the

client’s feelings; the second step is articulating the underlying emotions that you detect in the

client’s statements. You can learn the first step in your practice sessions as you listen intently.

Imagine how the client feels in this situation, and then try to label the feeling. The best way to

do this is to think of yourself as the client, taking into account all the facts and also considering

what you know about the client’s personality and history. In other words, do not try to think

about how you would feel in this situation; instead, become the client and think about how the

client must feel. Table 6.1 helps you to find another word that is closer to what the client is

expressing. Studying this list will help you improve the accuracy of your reflections. Do not

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forget that nonverbal signals are major clues to the client’s feeling state. Although reading and

responding to vignettes in this book will be a good training exercise, practicing with classmates

will be more realistic as you must pay attention to the nonverbal expressions as well as the

words."