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Chapter 8: Love and Communication in
Intimate Relationships

Main Topics

Friendship and love
Love and sexuality
How do I love thee? Approaches and attitudes related to love
Jealousy
Making love last: From passion to intimacy
The nature of communication
Sexual communication
Developing communication skills
Conflict and intimacy

Friendship and Love

Breathe life into humanity
Bind us together
Provide emotional sustenance
Buffer us against stress
Help to preserve our physical and mental well-being
Love and friendship are alike in many ways
Some crucial differences make love relationships both more rewarding and more vulnerable

Love and Sexuality

Are intimately intertwined
Sexual standards have become personal rather than institutional
Two important factors in sexual activity
Level of intimacy
Length of time couple has been together
Environmental factors influence the level of sexual activity
Physical environment
Cultural setting

Love and Sexuality –
Men, Women, Sex, and Love

Men and women have different perspectives on love and sex
These varied views are a result of
Demographics
Gender differences
Cultural differences
Love is equally important for heterosexuals as it is for non-heterosexuals

Love and Sexuality - Love Without Sex: Celibacy and Asexuality

Celibacy - Abstention from sexual activity
Not necessarily a symptom of a problem or disorder
Asexuality - The absence of a traditional sexual orientation
Little or no sexual attraction to males or females
Implies an assumption that some level of sexual desire is normal

How do I Love Thee? Approaches
and Attitudes Related to Love

Love and sex are closely linked in the ideal intimate relationship
Love reflects care—draws people together and sustains them in a relationship
Sex reflects both closeness and sexual excitement
Differentiates romantic love from other forms of love, such as parental love

How do I Love Thee? Approaches and Attitudes Related to Love

Styles of love - Sociologist John Lee describes six basic styles of love
Eros - Love of beauty
Mania - Obsessive and possessive love
Ludus - Playful love
Storge - Love between companions
Agape - Brotherly love
Pragma - Practical love

Figure 1: Sternberg’s
Triangular Theory of Love

How do I Love Thee? Approaches and Attitudes Related to Love

The components of love
Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare
Feeling happiness with your partner
Holding your partner in high regard
Being able to count on your partner in times of need
Being able to understand your partner
Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner
Receiving emotional support from your partner
Giving emotional support to your partner
Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things
Valuing your partner’s presence in your life

How do I Love Thee? Approaches and Attitudes Related to Love

Kinds of love
Liking (intimacy only)
Infatuation (passion only)
Romantic love (intimacy and passion)
Companionate love (intimacy and commitment)
Fatuous love (passion and commitment)
Consummate love (intimacy, passion, and commitment)
Empty love (decision/commitment only)
Nonlove (absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment)

Figure 2: Geometry of Love

How do I Love Thee? Approaches and Attitudes Related to Love

Love as attachment
Infant - Caregiver attachment
Romantic love - Types of attachment
Secure
Anxious/ambivalent
Avoidant
Unrequited love
Love that is not returned
Distressing for those involved

Jealousy

Understanding jealousy
When irrational, we can eliminate some of its pain
Can help cement or destroy a relationship
Often linked to violence in marriages and dating relationships
It is an aversive response
Occurs because of a partner’s real, imagined, or likely involvement with a third person
Sets boundaries for behaviors that are acceptable in relationships

Jealousy

Psychological dimension

Makes one feel less attractive and acceptable to the partner
Enriches relationships and sparks passion
Sex differences in the context and expression of jealousy

Men more than women are upset by a partner’s sexual infidelity

Women more than men are upset by a partner’s emotional infidelity

Managing jealousy
Irrational jealousy can be dealt with by addressing the underlying causes of insecurity
If the jealousy is well founded, the partner may need to modify or end the relationship with the third party
Understanding and insightful thinking is the best way to deal with jealousy

Jealousy –
Extradyadic Involvement

Sexual or romantic relationships outside of a primary relationship
Forms of extradyadic involvement
Sexual but not emotional
Sexual and emotional
Emotional but not sexual

Jealousy –
Extradyadic Involvement

Dating and cohabiting relationships
Exclusive marriages and partnerships
Nonexclusive marriages and partnerships
Open in which intimate but nonsexual friendships with others are encouraged
Open in which outside sexual relationships are allowed
Group marriage/multiple relationships
Open marriage
Swingers or polyamorists

Making Love Last:
From Passion to Intimacy

Intimate love
Commitment
Determination to continue a relationship or marriage in the face of bad times as well as good
Caring
Making of another person’s needs as important as your own
Self-disclosure
Revelation of personal information

The Nature of Communication

Communication is a transactional process
Cultural context
Language that is used
Values, beliefs, and customs associated with it
Social context
Status - A person’s position or ranking in a group is important
Psychological context
Determines how people communicate
Individuals are unique
Nonverbal communication
Typically, communication of feeling is nonverbal – Proximity, eye contact, touching

Sexual Communication –
In Beginning Relationships

The halo effect
Assumption that attractive or charismatic people also possess more desirable social characteristics than are actually present
Interest and opening lines
First move and beyond
Directing sexual activity

Sexual Communication –
In Established Relationships

Partners tend to be indirect and ambiguous in their sexual communication
Indirection allows them to express sexual interest
Within heterosexual relationships men continue to overtly initiate sexual encounters
Many women feel more comfortable with overtly initiating sex

Sexual Communication - Initiating Sexual Activity

Sexual initiations are more successful in long-term relationships than in new or dating relationships
In non-heterosexual relationships, the more emotionally expressive partner is likely to initiate sexual interaction
Gender differences in partner communication
Some men may avoid talking about feelings and personal issues
Some women may be inclined to show more interest and seek agreement and acceptance in the context of the sexual relationship

Developing Communication Skills - Talking about Sex

Good communication is central to a healthy intimate relationship
Obstacles to discussing sex
No models for talking about sexuality
Defines as being interested in sex which is considered immoral, prurient
Belief is that talking about it will threaten the relationship
Keys to good communication
Self-disclosure
Trust
Feedback

Figure 3: Communication Loop

Conflict and Intimacy

Conflict - Process in which people perceive incompatible goals and interference from others in achieving their goals
The more intimate two people become, the more likely they are to experience conflict
Engaging in nondestructive conflict can assist couples in enhancing their relationship
Sexual conflict
Arguing about sex

Conflict and Intimacy

Conflict resolution
Defusing conflict
Communicating with affection and interest
Using humor when appropriate
If a relationship is sound, differences can be absorbed
Coexistence focuses on the people we have the most power over—ourselves

Final Thoughts

Friendship and love
Love and sexuality
How do I love thee? Approaches and attitudes related to love
Jealousy
Making love last: From passion to intimacy
The nature of communication
Sexual communication
Developing communication skills
Conflict and intimacy