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Chapter 4

Revising Business Messages

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy

Essentials of

Business

Communication 9e

The Writing Process

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 2

Phase 3 of the Writing Process

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 3

Phase 3: Revising

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 4

Correcting grammar,

spelling, punctuation,

format, and mechanics

Improving content and

sentence structure

May involve adding,

cutting, and reformatting.

Proofreading

Revising

Phase 3: Revising

The Goals of Business Writing:

Conciseness

Clarity

Vigor and directness

Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 5

Revising for Conciseness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 6

Eliminate flabby expressions.

Poor:

We are of the opinion that

Please feel free to

In addition to the above

At this point in time

Despite the fact that

Improved:

We think

Please

Also

Now

Although

Revising for Conciseness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 7

Limit long lead-ins.

Poor:

This e-mail message is to inform you that we will meet on Friday.

I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Improved:

We will meet on Friday.

Thanks to everyone who voted.

Revising for Conciseness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 8

Drop unnecessary fillers, such as there is/was and it is/was .

Poor:

There are three items we must discuss today.

It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored.

Improved:

We must discuss three items today.

Lisa and Jeff were honored.

Revising for Conciseness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 9

Reject redundancies.

What words could be omitted in these expressions?

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

serious danger

Revising for Conciseness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 10

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

serious danger

Reject redundancies.

What words could be omitted in these expressions?

Making Sentences Concise

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 11

Poor:

Improved:

This e-mail message is to inform you that there is a new health benefit plan available for employees.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that in all probability we expect to win the contract.

A new health benefit plan is available for employees.

We will probably win the contract.

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 12

Poor:

Improved:

In addition to the above, there are contracts that are attached to this message.

Despite the fact that most information is posted on the company intranet, please feel free to call whenever necessary.

Two contracts are also attached.

Although most information is posted on the company intranet, please call whenever necessary.

Making Sentences Concise

Revising for Clarity

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 13

Dump trite business expressions.

Trite and Outdated

as per your request

attached hereto enclosed please find pursuant to your request

thank you in advance

under separate cover

Modern

at your request

attached

enclosed is/are

at your request

thank you

separately

Revising for Clarity

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 14

Avoid jargon—technical terms and special terminology.

Computer Jargon

queue

export

bandwidth

Alternatives

list of documents waiting to be printed

transfer data from one program to another

Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?

Revising for Clarity

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 15

Avoid slang—informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings.

Slang

sick

clueless

turkey

chill/chill out

Alternatives

great, amazing

unaware, naïve

someone stupid or silly

relax

Revising for Clarity

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 16

Drop clichés.

Substitute precise words for overused expressions.

Poor:

Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.

We had reached the end of our rope.

Improved:

Finally, you should work diligently.

We could go no further.

Making Sentences Clear and Concise

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 17

Poor:

Improved:

Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case.

With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked.

Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.

With warning, we could have sold before our stocks declined in value.

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 18

Poor:

Improved:

Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.

Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a check for $150.

Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.

As you requested, a check for $150 is enclosed.

Making Sentences Clear and Concise

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 19

Unbury verbs.

Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

Look for words ending in

tion or ment. Could they

be more efficiently and

forcefully converted to verbs?

Tip

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 20

Unbury verbs.

Poor:

The manager came to the realization that social networking made sense.

A job seeker must make application before May 1.

Improved:

The manager realized that social networking made sense.

A job seeker must apply before May 1.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 21

Unbury verbs.

Poor:

Once we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow.

Please give serious consideration to a company vanpool.

Improved:

Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow.

Please seriously consider a company vanpool.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 22

Control exuberance.

Limit intensifiers very, definitely, quite, really, completely, extremely, actually, and totally.

Excessive

The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.

Professional

The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 23

Choose clear, precise words.

Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.

Unclear

The man asked for a raise.

An employee presented a proposal.

More precise

Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 24

Choose clear, precise words.

Include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.

Poor:

They thought her report was good.

She said she would get in touch.

Improved:

The management council thought Erin’s report was factual and well written.

Sheila said she would send you a text message.

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 25

Poor:

Improved:

The seller said he definitely would contact you.

We must give encouragement to our team.

The seller promised to e-mail you.

We must encourage our team.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 26

Poor:

Improved:

Moviegoers actually show a total preference for buttered popcorn.

Please make an assessment of the home’s value.

Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee.

Moviegoers prefer buttered popcorn.

Please assess the home’s value.

Ann suggested that we hire Lee.

Revising for Vigor and Directness

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 27

Employ white space.

Headings

Short paragraphs

Ragged-right margins

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 28

Choose appropriate typefaces.

Serif typefaces have small features at the end of strokes.

Times New Roman

Century

Georgia

Palatino

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 29

Choose appropriate typefaces.

Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without features. They are useful for headings, signs, and noncontinuous reading material.

Arial

Tahoma

Verdana

Calibri

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 30

Capitalize on type fonts and sizes.

Font style: a specific style (such as italic, boldface, underline, ALL CAPS) within a typeface family (such as Arial)

Font size: measured in points

Most readers are comfortable with 10- to 12-point type for body text.

Larger font size is appropriate for titles and headings.

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 31

Use numbered and bulleted lists.

Numbered lists: Use for sequences.

Bulleted lists: Use for items that don’t require a certain order.

Capitalize the first word of each item.

Add end punctuation only to items that are complete sentences.

Make each item parallel.

Break up complex information into smaller chunks to ensure rapid comprehension.

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 32

Use numbered lists for items that don’t require a certain order.

Poor: We want to hire an accounting assistant who has good communication skills, experience with Excel, and a two-year college degree.

Improved: We want to hire an accounting assistant with these qualifications: Good communication skills Excel experience Two-year college degree.

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 33

Use bulleted lists for instructions.

Poor: To clean the printer, you should do the following. First, you should disconnect the power cord. Then you open the front cover, and the printer area should be cleaned with a soft cloth.

Improved:

To clean the printer, do the following:

1. Disconnect the power cord.

2. Open the front cover.

3. Clean the printer with a soft cloth.

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 34

Add headings for visual impact.

Poor: On April 3 we will be in Toledo, and the speaker is Troy Lee. On May 20 we will be in Detroit, and the speaker is Sue Wu.

Improved:

Date City Speaker

April 3 Toledo Troy Lee

May 20 Detroit Sue Wu

Revising for Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 35

Use paragraph headings to improve organization and readability.

Poor: The next topic is vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.

Improved:

Vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1.

Flextime. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.

Improving Readability

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 36

Poor:

Improved:

In the next training session, the trainer will demonstrate how to create podcasts, how to share Web programs, and how to build Web directories.

The next training session will demonstrate the following:

Creating podcasts

Sharing programs

Building Web directories

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 37

Poor:

Improved:

In preparing for an employment interview, you should begin by studying the job description. Itemizing your most strategic skills and qualifications is also important. Giving responses in a mock interview is another good practice technique.

You can prepare for interviews by doing the following:

Study the job description.

Itemize your most

strategic skills and

qualifications.

Practice giving responses

in a mock interview.

Improving Readability (Practice)

Phase 3: Proofreading

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 38

Spelling

Grammar

Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format

What to watch for in proofreading:

Phase 3: Proofreading

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 39

How to proofread routine documents:

On your computer screen, focus on one line at a time.

Read carefully for faults such as omitted or double words

Use a spell checker.

Proofread from a hard copy.

Phase 3: Proofreading

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 40

How to proofread complex documents:

Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.

Allow adequate time.

Be prepared to find errors.

Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics.

Reduce your reading speed.

Phase 3: Proofreading

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 41

For documents that must be perfect:

Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.

Spell names.

Spell difficult words.

Note capitalization.

Note punctuation.

Phase 3: Evaluating

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

Chapter 4, Slide 42

Answer these questions about your document:

How successful will this message be?

Does it say what you want it to?

Will it achieve its purpose?

How will you know whether it succeeds?

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy, Essentials of Business Communication, 9th Edition

“I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter.”

-- James Michener, American writer

Chapter 4, Slide 43

END

Mary Ellen Guffey & Dana Loewy

Essentials of

Business

Communication 9e