CHMB

Case Study D

Bon

Panic disorder.

I sit here wondering where I start… I sit here anxious about saying the right things…. I sit here after approximately five weeks of trying to write this.

Hi, my name is Bon and I have panic disorder.

I have not always had the grand title of having ‘panic disorder’ although I wonder if it has always been a part of me. I grew up in a household like many, I always felt warmth, loved and was always fed. I was young when I experienced reoccurring dreams of being run down by a very distinctive white semi trailer. I could not sleep and remember my mum comforting me, telling me to think about things I liked, which was dirt bikes and dancing at the time. My mum was 21 when she had me, I was her third child, so she was an expert at soothing her children although was probably not aware of anxiety. Looking back, I think I was having anxiety attacks on a regular basis.

It was not until the age of 14 years that my symptoms became apparent. Although I have vague memories of this episode my mum still remembers it like it was yesterday.

I was home when I had a psychotic episode, there were no drugs or alcohol involved. Mum tells me I was talking to my fingers as I believed they had faces on them and I also believed there was a giant monkey in my room. Mum and dad soon had me at our local hospital where I spent the next week having had a nervous breakdown.

It was the many hours of counselling that enabled me to find the root of my unexplained anxiety. I was sexually abused by my babysitter’s father at six or seven years of age. It was something I supressed for all those years only for it to rear its ugly head in one of the worst years of my life. This was the first time my parents heard about what had happened to me.

Throughout my teen and young adult years I struggled from time to time with depression and anxiety, and although I appeared to be confident and happy all the time, the black dog had me. I was ‘happy’ as much as I thought happiness looked like. I have been on the ride of ups and downs and it was not until I was in my late 30s when I received training and attended counselling, that I realised I had a medical condition

In my 30s I was working in a highly stressful workplace, running on adrenaline 24/7. I did not recognise the distress my body was under and was not feeling depressed, although was greatly aware of my anxiety levels which I controlled with quick-fix medications. It was not until I left that workplace and joined a slower paced environment that everything came to a head again.

One day I travelled by train to Coroy for a routine meeting and on return to Balla was faced with a scary scenario. I was sitting on the train and happy chatting with people around me. There was nothing to be alarmed about and I didn’t realise, but I was about to have a full-blown panic attack. I started feeling my body ‘go’ – how I describe my body when having a panic attack.

I started to feel excited from the adrenaline, which is a short-lived experience. My skin started prickling all over, I felt a hot flush, became short of breath, and disassociated with my surroundings. I quickly took half a tablet to get a quick fix, although it was not to be. I tried to stay calm and breathe, using all the techniques I knew, though I was not able to get this feeling to subside. As soon as the train pulled in to the next station, I jumped off to get as much fresh air into my lungs as possible. I was in Bacchus Marsh, many stops from home and I was terrified! I called a friend who lives in Bacchus Marsh to collect me from the station so I could feel safe. I spent the next hour calming down before heading back to the station to catch the next train. My friend dropped me off and I attempted to catch the next train but I could not do it. The staff were wonderful and after gaining permission, drove me back to Ballarat. I was fine in the car as I felt I would be able to get out at any time. After that day, I did not attempt to catch a train for an exceptionally long time

From that day on I thought I would be broken forever. It took me weeks to leave my home and having panic attacks when people would visit. I could not drive my car, I could not go to my doctor, I could not be in a shopping centre. I gently pushed myself a little at a time. There were many tears and embarrassing moments, although each day has been worth building my self awareness of my condition.

People are often confused as to what happens and how I feel when I have a panic attack, my husband being one of these people. I asked him what he feels like when he has an asthma attack, he went on to describe how I feel when having a panic attack. There is no one size fits all. I have undergone many therapies which, for the most part, work for me. I take regular medication, seek counselling when required, do regular meditation, have had hypnosis and acupuncture. I ensure I challenge myself to step out into the world of the unknown. I have been able to fly internationally several times since this time, not always with ease, although I keep on trying.

I have my own successful cultural consulting business where I am challenged daily by talking in front of hundreds of people or having to make quick decision

When I tell people I have panic disorder, they look at me in disbelief. I feel like I am doing what I love and almost living my best life, my health and fitness are my next challenges. Although I have not felt depressed for several years, I know this could again occur in the future.

I do not know when I will have my next panic attack, although I know my family and I have many strategies to assist me to get through. I know this may sound like it is easy for me to say, but I promise there are good people out there to assist and strategies to help you to live your best life.