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Chapter 7

Love and Intimacy

Sexuality Now – Embracing Diversity 6e

Chapter Outline

What is Love?

Forms and Measures of Love

Origins of Love

Love from Childhood to Maturity

Adult Love and Intimacy

Love, Sex, and How We Build Intimate Relationships

Broad overview of contents

What is Love?

Love in other times and places

The Middle Ages glorified the modern idea of romantic love

Throughout most of Western history, marriage was entered into for economic reasons and arranged by the parents

The 19th century brought the idea that romantic love was the most wanted form of a love relationship

Sigmund Freud (1856–1939), the father of psychoanalysis, set the stage for all psychological theories that followed. Source: Hulton-Deutsch Collection/Corbis

The Benefits of Love

Source: Jupiter Images/Creatas/Alamy

Forms and Measures of Love

Romantic love—passionate love that includes sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation

Companionate love (conjugal love)—deep affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, and loyalty

Colors of love (Lee)—eros, ludus, storge, mania, pragma, and agape

Triangular theory (Sternberg)—passion, intimacy, and commitment

Companionate Love

Source: Jupiter Images

Can We Measure Love?

Scales have been developed to measure love

Measure something strongly associated with love; Rubin views love as form of attachment

degrees of needing

degrees of caring

degrees of trusting

Measure aspects of relationships

Relationship Rating Scale, Passionate Love Scale

Most scales measure romantic, not companionate, love

Origins of Love—Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves

Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them

Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person

Social influences, such as religion, affect our attitudes about various sexual behaviors, including sex outside of marriage, same-sex marriage, contraceptive use, and abortion. Source: ColorBlind/Photodisc/Getty Images

Mutual Reinforcement

Source: Jupiter Images

Origins of Love—Cognitive and Evolutionary Theories

Cognitive theories

A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love

If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive

Evolutionary theory

Love is a strategy that helps us form the bonds

Each person in the partnership is seeking the highest quality mate

Origins of Love—Physiological Arousal Theory

Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion

We are more likely to interpret an experience as love when we are physiologically aroused for any reason

e.g., sexual excitement is a state of intense physiological arousal

Origins of Love—Other Biological Factors

Pheromones—odorless chemicals processed by brain influence choice of sexual partner

We are more likely to be attracted to someone whose histocompatibility (MHC) is different from our own

Neurotransmitters create cravings to be with a particular partner

Love from Childhood to Maturity—Childhood

Attachment to the caregiver can affect attachment throughout life

Three attachment types

Secure—accepts caregiver leaving

Anxious/ambivalent—panic if left alone

Avoidant—caregiver forces parting early

Childhood attachment styles may influence type of intimate relationships we form as adults

Caregiver Bonds

Source: Chris Rout/Alamy

Love from Childhood to Maturity—Adolescence

Time to learn how to love and manage emotions

Creates a foundation for adult relationships

Role repertoire—varied ways to relate with others

Intimacy repertoire—collection of behaviors used to create intimate relationships in life

Usually begin with an unattainable crush; powerful emotions and confusion

Young Love

Source: Kevin Dodge/Corbis

Adult Love and Intimacy

Attaining intimacy is different from loving; intimacy requires effort

Attraction

Field of eligibles

Proximity, similarity, physical factors, finances

Similar factors in among LGBTQ people and across global cultures

Source: Ingo Jezierski/Spirit/Corbis

What Do You Look For in a Mate? (1 of 2)

SOURCE: Based on David Buss, Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences: Evolutionary Hypotheses Tested in 37 Cultures. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12, 149, 1989.

In the accompanying graphs, heterosexual males and females from different countries rate the importance of a mate’s looks and financial prospects and their ideal age difference. In the “Good Looks” and “Good Financial Prospects” graphs, participants rated importance from 0 (unimportant) to 3 (very important). In the “Age Difference” graph, participants rated the importance of age difference in potential mates. A negative number refers to a desire for a mate who is younger by a certain

number of years, whereas a higher number refers to a desire for a mate who is older by a certain number of years.

What Do You Look For in a Mate? (2 of 2)

SOURCE: Based on David Buss, Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences: Evolutionary Hypotheses Tested in 37 Cultures. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12, 149, 1989.

number of years, whereas a higher number refers to a desire for a mate who is older by a certain number of years.

Adult Love and Intimacy (1 of 3)

Intimate relationships

Those who value intimacy tend to be more trusting, concerned for others, and disclose more

Gender differences in styles of intimacy

Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy

Gay men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner than heterosexual men

Source: Art Phillips/Bettmann/Corbis

Adult Love and Intimacy (2 of 3)

Intimacy in different cultures

Passionate love typical in individualistic cultures; collectivist cultures see passionate love negatively

Love has highest importance in Western world; lowest importance in Asian nations

Long-term love and commitment

Effort and commitment required to maintain love

Older the couple/relationship, the stronger the levels of intimacy and commitment

Source: Courtesy Farrall Instruments, Inc.

Maintaining Long-Term Relationships

Source: ©bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock.com

Adult Love and Intimacy (3 of 3)

Loss of love

Sadness, loss, depression, and anger

Breakup stimulates brain’s centers of reward and addiction, indicating link to post-breakup use of alcohol, drugs (even chocolate!)

Vulnerable to lowered self-esteem, self-blame, distrust others

Attachment style affects ability to deal with breakup

Best way to get over a breakup is time

Love, Sex, and How We Build Intimate Relationships (1 of 2)

Sexual intercourse can express affection, intimacy, and love

Before engaging in a sexual relationship

Clarify your values

Be honest about what you want

Be honest with your partner

The decision to engage in a sexual relationship may or may not be related to feelings of love

Love, Sex, and How We Build Intimate Relationships (2 of 2)

Beginning to feel attracted to someone:

Increases intimacy: more eye contact, more touches

Shows in other body language: often initiated by the female

Results in full “body synchronization”

Developing Intimacy Skills

Self-love—being at ease with ourselves, both the positive and negative qualities

Receptivity—shows others we are open to communication, approachable

Listening—provide full attention

Affection—warmth and security with others

Trust—a requirement that develops slowly

Respect—acknowledge and understand another’s needs; don’t have to share them

The Dark Side of Love

Jealousy

Emotional reaction to a perceived relationship threat

Similar responses: men and women, gay and lesbian couples

Related to attachment styles

Compulsiveness

Love addiction

Possessiveness

Abuse

Source: Center for Sexual Health Promotion, Indiana University

What Causes Jealousy?

Source: Michael Krasowitz/The Image Bank/Getty Images

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