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Chapter 3

Communication and Sexuality

Sexuality Now – Embracing Diversity 5e

Chapter Outline

The Importance of Communication

Types of Communication

Communication Differences and Similarities

Sexual Communication

Listening, Expressing Criticism, and Nonconstructive Communication

Table of contents

The Importance of Communication (1 of 2)

The “onion” theory of communication

Cultivates emotional intimacy, understanding, and love

Good communication increases the probability the relationship will last

Relationship problems often due to:

Poor communication

Unwillingness to acknowledge a problem or issue

The Importance of Communication (2 of 2)

Goals of Communication

Get the job done: send the message

Relational goal: maintain a relationship

Identity management goal: portray our self-image

Families and Communication

Strategies often learned from families: negotiation, conflict avoidance, arguing, and interpersonal skills

Helps children develop social and emotional understanding of the world

Types of Communication —Nonverbal

Comprises the bulk of our face-to-face communication

Fill in gaps in verbal communication

Includes facial expressions, gestures, postures, body position, speech rate, and intensity

Improved ability to interpret with age

Is expressed in various cultural forms

Nonverbal Cues

Using the nonverbal cues in this photo, what would you guess is going on with this couple and why?

Source: Mary Mary Denny/PhotoEdit

Types of Communication—Computer-Mediated Communication

Reduces inhibitions

Increased misunderstanding in the absence of nonverbal cues

Can become compulsive

Today’s college students use computer-mediated communication methods daily in their conversations with friends and families. Source: CJG - Technology/Alamy

Communication Differences and Similarities

Communication and Gender

Genderlects: women use rapport-talk (connection); men use report-talk (information)

Women less assertive in conversation

tag questions, disclaimers, question statements, hedge words

Categories of communication skills

Affective : comforting, listening

Instrumental: persuasive, narrative

Modes of Communication in Childhood

Communication patterns begin when children play in same-sex groups.

Source: Purestock/Getty Images

Communication Differences and Similarities—Gender-Based Research

Brizendine claimed women have higher speech quantity due to hormones during fetal development; not supported by other research

Tannen’s critics claim approach is unidimensional, basing gender only on biological sex

Many studies have found overall differences in many areas of communication are small

Discuss honor crimes

Communication Differences and Similarities—Gender Differences

Nonverbal –Women use more nonverbal communication than men and are better at decoding it –Women also more likely to smile, lean forward, and touch in face-to-face communication

Technology –Women use communication technology for relational maintenance –Men use it to establish relationships and find job leads

Modes of Communication in Adulthood

A male mode of communication uses more report-talk, which imparts knowledge and helps to establish status. A female mode of communication uses more rapport-talk, which establishes relationships and maintains intimacy.

Source (left): Fuse/Getty Images. Source (right): Digital Vision/Getty Images

Communication and Culture

Individualistic versus collectivistic cultures

Men and women from the United States disclose more personal information in their communication than men and women from some Asian cultures

“Low-context” cultures use language in a direct manner

“High-context” cultures use indirect language, relying more on nonverbal cues

Communication and Sexual Orientation

Most communication research deals with heterosexuals

Few communication differences have been found in gay, lesbian, and heterosexual intimate relationships

As in heterosexual couples, differences reflect power in the relationship more than the biological sex of the communicator

It might surprise you to know that vibrators have a long history dating back to the late 19th century. Vulvar massage to induce paroxysm (orgasm) was typically

painstaking and time-consuming work for a physician, often requiring up to 1 hour of time per woman. It was a strictly medical procedure most commonly prescribed

for women diagnosed with hysteria (Maines, 1999). Because religious mandates prohibited self-masturbation, vulvar massage was the only acceptable solution for women

without sexual partners. Source: Courtesy of Athena Images

Sexual Communication

Sexuality magnifies existing communication problems in a relationship

Reciprocity: the more a couple talks during sex, the more they will be able to talk about sex, and vice versa.

Couples who communicate about sexual issues report more relationship satisfaction

Source: The Wellcome Trust, London

Sexual Communication—Positive Self-Images

Positive self-images and feeling good versus fears about body image and attractiveness

Fear, worry, and anxiety can decrease enjoyment of sexual experiences

U.S. media role in creating the “ideal body”

We must accept ourselves before others can accept us

Talking about insecurities with partners can help them understand and move us toward self-acceptance

Sexual Communication—Self-Disclosure

Asking for what you need

–Many people are insecure about sex

–Honesty is essential for promoting satisfaction and happiness

Although many couples avoid communication about sex because it can be difficult to talk about, learning to communicate your

sexual desires and needs can strengthen your relationship. Source: Michael Goldman/Photographer’s Choice/Getty Images

Sexual Communication—Other Factors

Trusting your partner

One of the most important ingredients

Nonverbal communication

Nonverbal communication can express your sexual desires and reinforce verbal messages

Obstacles to sexual communication

Embarrassment

Inability/unwillingness to use proper sexual terminology

Communication is Key

Good lovers are not mind readers. They learn about their partner’s needs through listening and communication.

Source: ImagesBazaar/Alamy

The Importance of Listening (1 of 2)

Adults spend 70% of waking time communicating and 45% of this time listening

Active listening—nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentive

Eye contact, head nods, “um hum”

Nondefensive listening—without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns

The Importance of Listening (2 of 2)

Being a more effective listener

Some barriers: information overload, preoccupation with personal concerns, rapid thoughts, and noise interference

When others listen to us, we feel cared about, worthy, and protected

Message interpretation

Interpreting a message is dependent on nature of the relationship and your mood at the time

Nonconstructive Communication (1 of 2)

Negative feelings and criticisms

Harsh words typically escalate a disagreement

Reduce defensiveness

Happy couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one (20:1)

Conflicting couples 5:1

Divorcing couples 0.8:1

Nonconstructive Communication (2 of 2)

Communication mistakes can lead to conflicts

Overgeneralizations (“always,” “never”)

Name-calling

Digging up the past

Including too many issues in the talk

Yelling/screaming

Fighting and Resolving Conflicts

During disagreements, happy couples have positive thoughts about their partner

After a conflict:

Women tend to try to reestablish closeness

Men tend to withdraw

Know which issues can be resolved and which cannot

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